#ive been trying to get my hands on this thing for months

[identityquest]

some sort of angel

#sketch #digital art #ive been trying to get my hands on this thing for months

[dennisboobs]

do you guys ever sit and remember that dennis takes a mental health day is an episode that exists

#ada speaks #i think i could probably recite the entire one sided phone conversation he has with daisy by heart and i havent seen the ep in months #i don't know how to explain it but #from what little ive read of ross' writing it feels like. when you click onto a fanfic and you feel immediate deep trust of the author #like it just clicks #the cookbook characterization specifically. is like. #i would put my life in your hands #and im sure we will get more eps by him and i really hope that continues because i think its been a very long time since the shows had #writers that i feel Get the characters in a way that feels effortless rather than. overcompensating. #like you can smell that writer's signature no matter how hard they try to cover it up with jokes and subversions #which isnt always a bad thing and im sure if we do get more maloney eps i'll pick up on his writers quirks too #but it doesn't feel like he's trying to copy anyone/pull from old eps it feels like he has a good grasp on things which makes it feel fresh #i find that long running shows hit a point where episodes start to feel less cohesive and more like. segmented short films #but if you have a really good group of writers and they find their groove its like. yeah. ok. #i think season 3 is a good study because marder and rosell's influence is all over the entire season #later seasons you can literally just. Feel which eps they worked on because its got a completely different vibe from the rest of the season #16 still suffers from that segmentation but #i think all the first time sunny writers (and nina's first solo ep) were all absolutely fuckin bangers and they've got a good team in there #anyway. characterization of dennis flipflops a lot. but the rest of the gang arguably gets it worse at times #i think megan's dee is the absolute worst aside from conor galvin's #and i understand wanting to write her as a girlfailure who is just. horrible. but. #ok. comparing self help book dee to ross' cookbook dee. i dont even have to say anything do i. #she's like. The Woman. in the self help book. and i fucking could not stand it. ross' dee is so perfect though #and his frank. MAN. #EVERYONE FUCKING RUINS FRANK. #i think marder and rosell's frank is a lot of fun because hes clearly based on marder's dad and acts believably #a lot of writers struggle to capture his. frank-ness. #he's sort of suffered from like. bland pervy senile old man writing for a long time #and ross brought back him actually being a competent businessman #IM OUT OF TAGS IM SHUTTING UP

[frecklystars]

god im so excited for the Barbie movie today. I might be a bit tense while seeing my triggers on screen but honestly I’ve been doing so so so well handling my ptsd the last few weeks and I'm very proud of myself!!!!!

there’s a few triggers I’ve been actively working on reclaiming and I KNOW I’m going to be okay watching the movie bc I am not letting anybody take this from me. I know I’m gonna wanna see it more than once. I even bought myself a cute pink skirt for it ;w;

#I’m gonna wear pink glitter in my hair too for opening night #woof #like i know im gonna be rly tense but i have been doing SO much better than i was just a month ago #if anything ill just be incredibly tense at first. but i genuinely think ill relax more as the movie progresses #bc ive been using grounding techniques for months and ive been working so goddamn hard to reclaim pink #WHICH IS SUCH HUGE PROGRESS FOR ME to think back to january when i couldnt look at pink at ALL #and i think seeing pink literally every single second for 2 hours straight in the barbie movie #is gonna also help my brain be like 'oh hey everything is fine' help it to become desensitized #bc ive been doing exposure therapy and im doing so much better than i was even just one month ago!!!!!!! #barbie is my girlfriend. and ken is my boyfriend. and i have two hands they can hold #god!!! you know how many barbies im gonna kiss!!!!! SO MANY #this is MY movie i have been so fucking excited to see!! its my number one favorite thing ive been looking forward to!!!! #i have wanted to see this! so! fucking! badly! and fuck anybody who tried to ruin that for me #i dont want ptsd to control my life #i feel like im riding a bull and gripping it by the horns while its trying to kick me off while im yelling Not Today Bitch #thats what trying to reclaim triggers feels like #but i can fucking feel it working i can feel myself getting better with some of these triggers i cant believe it #and i think just a year from now most of these triggers wont be severe anymore #which is my goal. i dont even need them to be cured completely i just want to function normally #cannot tell u how fucking unreal it is to have so many triggers that are like. normal everyday stuff #colors. clothes. phrases. transformers. im taking ALL of that shit back #STARTING WITH PINK ONE OF MY FAVORITE GODDAMN COLORS 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖 #THE EMOJI LOOKS RED ON DESKTOP BUT THAT IS OKAY.

[the-final-sif]

Honestly the biggest thing I'm taking away from dnf right now is that people with short hair get hair cuts way more often than I thought.

#it's been like #two years since I got the long part of my hair cut #I can count the number of haircuts ive gotten since I turned 18 on one hand #I do have a half shave I do myself #but I just let the long part grow #trying to get in to get a haircut every few months would be a nightmare #i cannot Schedule Things #sif speaks

[milkweedman]

I know you've talked about your frustration with how difficult it is to make money with fiber art, but would you ever consider selling or trading for the dyed fleece you have? Not like opening an etsy shop and dying fleece just for selling or anything. But like, say I wanted to buy some hand veg dyed wool...you could destash some of what you have....then you could use that money to dye more wool.....infinite wool hack.

I trade my stuff all the time (and am always down to trade hand made and hand processed stuff for other handmade/hand processed !). I dunno if selling dyed fleece would actually be an infinite wool hack though; I haven't really done the math but like, if I buy 2 pounds of raw fleece for $25 (definitely a price I've paid before, idk if its standard for me off the top of my head), once I wash it I likely have anywhere between a pound and a pound a half (depending on breed and how dirty it was, the lanolin and dirt that I wash away can be up to 70% of the weight of a raw fleece, but usually closer to 50% in the breeds I like working with). So I'd have to sell a single pound of washed dyed fleece for like $35 ($10 shipping for 1 pound package is what I just paid at the post office a few days ago) just to get the money back from what i paid for the fleece in the first place--basically paying in labor and foraged materials (so more labor) for the joy of getting to dye wool for strangers. Idk about that. I'd definitely do it if it looked like I could get at least double the cost of the wool for it--Maybe people would pay a lot more, but I'd be a little surprised if that were true, honestly. It's a very nice idea and i wish the world worked that way :(

#as it is i just trade/gift away most of my wool #wool processing #no-pants-dan #adding price tags to my stuff tends to just make me feel like shit #because 1) it never ever moves the meter on how much money i need to survive each month #2) theres not a single thing i can do that doesnt cost in pain. not just time but pain and frequently the clear and measurable #degradation of my body per project #my body will degrade anyway becauae i have no choice but to find some kind of work #but at least the other work pays better and usually degrades my body slower #i feel deeply uncomfortable selling my art that for example is the piece that made me stop being able to knead dough by hand #id kinda rather keep it bc if i cant knead dough by hand anymore at least i can look at the physical manifestation #of what caused me to not be able to do that anymore #idk if that makes any sense #i suspect not bc ive been trying to explain this to my family for literally years #and they do not get it at all #i finally got them to shut up about it only by telling them i will no longer talk about it and if they ask i will leave the room #yay for boundaries. now i just need to get over how angry even being asked that question now makes me. lol

[sanchoyo]

why is job hunting so hard and bad. im literally not made to work i should be someones funny little live in entertainment jester/ trophy boyfriend fr this sucks 😭

#if its called job HUNTING i think i should be allowed to shoot the job listings with a gun #*hands shaking holding a handgun 2 my computer screen* IM JOB HUNTING IM GOING TO GET THESE BASTARDS (the job listings) #sanchoyorambles #like no joke ive been sick and shaky w anxiety for what feels like weeks or months bc none of the interviews are workingggg no one wants #to hire me. then i go on indeed!! and the job listings are still up!! so CLEARLY!!! u still NEED SOMEONE!!!! #to do that job that u wouldnt give 2 ME.... #im so sick of doctors but maybe i really should try for ss one last time. i keep saying while not doing it #the process was so bad and hard and embarrassing tho tbh they rly make u drag urself thru the mud......augh #sorry to be a debbie downer this morning it is just VERY unpleasant job hunting. u guys know what i mean #when ur sick and everything is hard and bad. #it just makes me hyper aware of everything i CANT do and that sucks!! #theres some specific things i think im really good at!! but they arent profitable or things ppl would hire me to do

[orcelito]

Finished rereading ladue chapter 2 and

🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

#speculation nation #ladue shit #now the Amazing thing is i have 18k more words of this fic to read hfkshdjd #it would be agonizing to have to stop there #the unfortunate thing is that it does cut off rather abruptly at the end of the 18k words #bc. it is still a WIP. #BUT!!!!!!! im gonna try to finish it up. #briefly return to this pairing to get this damn 18k words out that ive been sitting on for Six Months #bit of a niche interest for this fic. only 55 subscribers. but this fic is mostly self indulgence anyways #and it is SOOOO GOOOOD #so for the handful of people invested in ladue. it wont be much longer... #i could have the chapter out by sunday tbh. that is my goal.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#sometimes. most times. if i cant articulate things properly i feel like my heads gonna explode. which is unfortunate bc i have the #language is hard brain problems. my neurology makes articulation difficult. but i try reguardless. which is sometimes. most times. #exhausting. that words gets thrown around a lot when i describe the patterns of my thoughts. exhausting. and it is i guess. tho id say its #more annoying and frustrating. but maybe its also exhausting. hard to tell when its how u think. but ive been reading a lot of papers this #weekend. enjoying the papers i read. papers about photosynthesis at the edge of habitability. about genetis and the structure and functions #of proteins. and the learning curve is steep but im learning bit by bit. and it just sorta makes me sad bc the way that my brain works has #so damaged the way that i interact with the world and i can see it at every step of my academic career. i dont even kno what to say abt the #past 2 years of my life. from where i stand now its just a black hole of self destruction. y did i do that? i dunno. at the time i was just #following the arbitrary rules and restrictions laid out for me within my head. did these rules have a rational basis? no. not usually. but #thats how it had to be. exhausting. but even then i coukd sometimes see thru to the wonder. and it was agony bc i wasnt allowed to think #abt it. its still agony now but i can feel it more often. maybe that's what happiness is to me. to be so full of wonder that i cant take it #i cant exist in that state or id b nonfunctional. its too big for my chest. it makes me want to scream and weep and pull at my hair. and #and its maddening bc i cant articulate it properly. except to call upon media short hands. there is wonder here. a nightmarish description #but not always. sometimes it was beautiful. theres a reason ive read annihilati0n 5 times despite hating the book. theres a reason i rewatch #the terror nearly once a month. to find beauty in a thing that causes you such terror and pain. theres something about it i can't find the #words for and its driving me nuts. exhausting. but so it goes #unrelated

[ayakinari]

you ever just

#duck rants about something #hoooooo man. why did all my motivation and ability to create go out the window as soon as i finished that valk piece #i cant draw. i dont know what to draw i knew what i had to draw but i cant. put it on canvas #cant go in an art block now of all times theres less than one month and a half until finals and i need some sort of portfolio put together #by then and. i am Still exhausted i thought !! it was getting better but nope i am still incredibly fatigued by Everything #and to make matters worse its thursday tomorrow meaning the classes i dislike the most i just want to lie down for 10 years maybe i dont kn #maybe pursuing art as a career was a bad idea. maybe im not fit for this but im already over a year into this art school and i dont want to #waste the money my family's put into letting me go to this school #and i absolutely love it here the teachers are nice and my classmates are cool and i made friends for the first time in years #but god if i havent been in the worst headspace of my life this past year. #well this year was going a bit too well for me in terms of art i had a steady pace of imrpoving and trying out new things but now its just #i cant do anything. no matter what i doodle or sketch or just let my hand do whatever nothings coming out and it terrifies me #maybe im being dramatic! i know someone would say im being just that #god i dont want to go to class tomorrow either im not in the mood for a religious lecture but ive already skipped the past two weeks #keep it up any more than that and itll probably result in a call to my parents #my parents are probably gonna call me later tonight anyways. should get it together til then #maybe i need a nap. maybe i need to go outside and take a walk and look at a bug. maybe i just need to go out in a field and scream #auhgh but i need to draw i need to make Something i cant halfass something the way i did last semester and barely pass #and now im getting dizzy just typing this out thanks brain #ill probably delete this later i just really need to. hhghghhhgh please let me draw. please let me make something or anything at all #i dont know what id have if it isnt art. #ive always been mediocre at everything in my life the only thing giving me peace of mind is drawing #if thats all im good for then what even use am i without it #and sure! maybe im actually not that good at it! maybe my artstyle is uninspired and boring maybe im just wasting my time!!! #but i still love it immensely i love making my silly characters i love drawing out my dumb stories i love just. #making things and being okay at it. maybe. am i actually good at this probably not. maybe im also mediocre at this and just kidding myself #sorry for being emotional on a wednesday. must be the curse #anyways

[magnoliamyrrh]

oh fuck. i just realized. november is always the month in which my cptsd is maybe worse than ever...,,,, i feel like that has something to do w how badly ive been dissociating lately and why. a myriad of symptoms have come back again

#ive been so out of it #and it just keeps getting worse this whole month #honestly tho like..... i dont think ive ever been this visibily mentally and physically ill in my life. i really dont like it #and its just gotten worse throughout the quarter #though like? in the early weeks of in one of my classes there was a rough switch as well out of... nowhere. but not like this one #but whole damn time. everything hurts in every class and i cant sit still or sit normal or not crack things or rub my joints or anything #and idk its some combination of dissociating headaches near-flashbacka and body pain and eye pain which just #has been making me have to so often keep my head in my hands or my hands over my eyes or my eyes closed or lay my head down on the table #bc its just too much. and even while im still trying to listen i just start shutting down? #...... . .. and i always feel so out of it. and every day feels fragmented. everything kinda seems fragmented...? and like its not really #happening ... . i feel so distant from myself and from my trauma and yet im somehow being consumed by it at the same time #and i really have no damn idea how its already the 28th

[thevoidshere88]

┐⁠(⁠￣⁠ヘ⁠￣⁠)⁠┌

#y'know just thinking ive had a lot of run ins with almost dying #since i was a child i had a severe breathing problem that mom said it looked like my chest caved in when i breathed #besides that point i got hurt running in school cracked my forhead open #got attacked by an abused pitbull almost killed me it was trying uts vest to go at my throat i dont even remember what age i was #ate medication at 4 or 5 idk what age i was and had to get my stomach pumped but they over filled my stomach #out of my sister's ive been the most sickly and visited hospitals often as a child #it seems like they've all forgotten all that ive been through and dont take my health seriously anymore #i feel like my mother cared more about me as as a child then as an adult i am incapable of taking care of myself and they know that or just #ignore it all together #i am having so many health problems that might be serious but i know i cant go to them to go see a doctor because nothing ever gets done #when i do ask so its pointless to ask anyone at any given point #plus the mental side of things too i ask for help i dont receive it my mom takes my lil sister's health and mental problems the most #serious that the seriousness of mine gets washed away and ignored #and i cant leave them i cant go somewhere else to live because i have no money coming in and no friends where i live so I'm stuck #their is alot i dont remember about my childhood and alot of the stuff i do is not happy #just feel like ive been dealt a bad hand in the family aspect #i dont think ive ever felt truly cared for a day in my life since growing up to now #i might be really in my feelings and in my head a lot because its the time of the month but idc #my mom says the scars on me are scars on her heart but i dont think she really cares to know a lot of my scars physical and mental are #because of her #yes i blame her #i love her i do but i still cant forgive her for alot of what shes done to me and caused me to feel as a young child

[be-good-to-bugs]

maybe i am cool and fun to be around. i feel like people dont like me but ive hardly been around anyone in so long so i have no proof of that.

#the bin #there have been some people who seemed to wanna be friends. i wish it couldve happened. #there was one of my sisters old coworkers who said they wanted to be friends. i really wanted to get to know them and hangout but i didnt #have tbeir contact info and my sister kept randomly having falling outs with them bc shes the worst #they stopped wanting to be around my sister. apparently they still wanted to be my friend but i never got her contact info #she seemed so cool. she showed me her los and monster high collection one of the few times we hung out. i wish we coulda watched #barbie movies together or smth. but no. #how do you meet people? where do you meet people who like the some kinda stuff you do? is it all just luck based? #ive been thinking music shows might be a good idea to try n meet people. that seems to be where a lot of people meet their cool alt friends #i wish i wasnt so lost on how social stuff works. others seem to just make friends wherever. but whenever i talk to people it ends quickly #how do you turn an acquaintance into a friend? some people will meet somone once in a circumstance where theyd never run into them again #and theyll become friends. how do they do that? i know its not luck. how do people have conversations in ways that lead to that? #how do you even learn you have these common interests or that you just like their personality? i hardly know what to talk about that isnt #immediately relevant. i do pretty well socially in work settings bc i can make some casual conversation but its all pretty enpty #i feel so awful every second of the day. nothing distracts me from it. i just wanna talk to someone. watch a show with someone #hold soneones hand. not be alone all the time. #i miss telling jokes. its like such a big part of me and how i interact with people. i have bareky gotten to joke around with anyone in #months. i think that especially is crushing me honestly #i just. i feel SO BAD. every day feels so long and horrible. its only one more month and then things will change at least somewhat but #everyday is so hard to get through. every hour feels like forever. i hate it. i can do anything to feel better #i feel empty of everything besides horrible feelings

[vanyafresita]

actually, you know what ? im glad my ex gf ghosted me, i dodged a bullet it seems

#this was two years ago and just a few months ago i started getting over it #on the one hand yeah it fucking SUCKS i wish i had had some type of warning instead of radio silence suddently from one day to the other #on the other i was ready to move to texas (me: poc queer fem presenting nd bitch) and was looking seriously jobs over there #and like- i fucking HATE the usa but she was really scared about leaving the states to come to europe- so i was willingly to travel there to #be with her and not put her through that (ive been traveling since childhood so im used to it- but she has certain mental stuff going on and #taking her away from her family and her childhood city was going to be really tough- of course i'd sacrifice my life for hers) #and like im so sorry to everybody who is stuck in the usa right now bcs ur country is treating yall so poorly i feel genuinely bad #but as someone who was planninh to work over there as a teacher..... IM SO FUCKING GLAD I DONT HAVE TO SET FOOT THERE 😭 #every single thing i hear about the education system there seems hellish- as well as the teachers' conditions and wages #like over here its not all rainbows and flowers but at least i dont have to worry about school shootings or getting fired for recommending #books from a banned list 💀 #ESPECIALLY as a poc latino queer linguistics and literature teacher- i'd love to talk to students about a big range of things- i cannot #imagine having to censor myself or dance around a subject becs “kids are too dumb to understand queerness” “youre trying to groom them” #“dont brainwash em you commie” like ma'am im trying to help your child develop basic empathy and respect for those who dont look like them #like i hear some serious worrying stuff from teachers over there i hope u guys are holding up somehow 😭😭😭 #anyways idk how the phrase in english goes but in spanish we say cuando dios cierra una puerta- abre una ventana #(<- trying to look for the positive in getting ghosted by the girl of their dreams) #its fine guys anyways #yeah that was the first LD relationship ive ever had- never trying that again #also i found out im arospec so im definitely not getting into a romantic relationship lmfaoooooo #only QPRs for me now if anything lol #vanya strawberry flavored

[sycophantzealot]

this is all there is and ill never arrive at heaven. everyday i try to scratch beneath gods door but i dont have hands. i am starving everyday, and i cant ever get closer, and i cant ever feel full. i hear muffled voices from the other side of the door, i will never be allowed in. i dont make a sound. it would be unsightly

#hanging on by a thread really trying to cope by filling it entirely with my religious delusions but i feel like its getting worse #these have been somehow some of the worst days in like the last months and its entirely unreasonable. #i feel on the verge of tears so oftenly and it is so deeply irritating #i think maybe i should pray or do something...even if the tendons from my knees collapse i still need to get on my knees and try to pray. #the one thing i cant forget is him. otherwise i fear ill go 9/9 and this next attempt will be the one that finally works #god please help my unbelief i cannot put this on anyone else to carry me i can only depend on your spirit <-doesnt believe a single word #of it #i know there is no heaven i know. but god ill never be let in. i would have never gone. i will never know peace. sweet god if only id known #before having had become such a rotten thing #i am a disgrace . god can someone please flog me with whips it would certainly fix half of this #ive been getting constant visions of slashing my head like a crown of thorns. stabbing through my hand for stigmata. for some kind of #permament marker that shows there is something of value. something. i may actually do it one day.

[lux-astrorum]

update, the zit on my chin is back YET AGAIN so I get to try out the new extra strength microdart patches from zitsticka. in slightly better news, finally figured out what was causing my hip flexor pain from running and it was the FUCKING SHOES so I went out and got new ones which will be hopefully better for me

#catchup for those just joining us: back in college I ran a handful of distance races (10 mi and half marathons) #its been 5 years since my last one - I wanted to do one in 2020 but obviously that didn't work out #so here we are and i am almost 2 months into training with a 10 mi race in 1 month and a half marathon in 2 months #and when i started this training i was at nearly the heaviest body weight ive ever had and also the least in shape ive ever been #and i didn't have any running gear so i had to make do with old clothes etc until i could get new ones #including shoes #so when i started training i was using these skechers walking shoes ive had for a couple years #and then about a month in i ordered some new running shoes. didn't pay too much attention when i bought them #they just looked similar to shoes ive used in the past so i thought theyd be fine #first thing I noticed when i put them on was the heel was a little higher than what im used to but didn't really think anything of it #within like a day of wearing them i started developing this hip flexor pain #and i was like huh that's weird i must have been too aggressive with my hip stretches #i'll ice it and change up my stretching routine and it'll be fine #well it was not fine #it just kept slowly getting worse #i tried running outside instead of treadmill / icing / stretching different. nothing worked #meanwhile trying to think what the HECK is causing this bc ive never had this issue with running or dancing or taekwondo #is it my heavier bodyweight? is it the fact that i sit all day at work now?? those were my best guesses #finally the other night i was in a panic bc i didn't know what else to do other than take a break from running for a few days #and maybe do elliptical instead to still get cardio but take a break from the impact of running #but that's STILL a setback i really didn't want to take #so im going crazy trying to decide what to do and if ANYTHING else could be causing this and it hits me: the shoes. #i wasn't having issues until the new shoes and then it was a very rapid onset #so for shits and grins i ran 4 miles in my walking shoes on friday. felt a million times better #and i text my dad like you'll never believe this but i think the raised heel in my shoes might have been giving me hip pain #and hes like oh yeah you probably need a shoe with lower heel drop #and im like. excuse u. what the FUCK is a heel drop. so i googled it #turns out running shoes with lower heel-toe differential put the force of impact on your ankles and calves #and shoes with higher heel-toe differential put it on your knees AND YOUR FUCKING HIPS #how was I supposed to know this???!?!?!?

[orcelito]

Honestly hate how hard it is to start writing again when you've gone too long without it. Like for fuck's sake man Why's shit gotta be like this

#speculation nation #daydreaming of the early discacc days when i wrote 70k words in 3 weeks. those were the days... #im just... so tired and wrung out and everything is so fucking hard #im barely even Doing anything besides working. my apartment is in horrible shape rn. #what is it about grief that makes life so hard to live man. you lose a cornerstone to your life and suddenly everything is in shambles #and i know he wouldnt have wanted this for me. for me to be Barely functioning bc my brain has been so bad in response #im alive im going to work im feeding myself and showering every day #but i havent been doing the dishes i havent taken out the trash theres Stuff all over my floors and cat messes i havent cleaned #and i dont have the energy for any of it. i get home i eat and then i climb into bed. rinse and repeat. #im just... tired. im so very tired. #i keep wanting to turn to my hobbies to cope with things but it's so fucking hard to stick to #constantly oscillating between manic moods where i think i can finally start moving on (but i dont have the focus to do writing) #and depressive moods where Good Fuckin Luck doing anything besides laying in bed #if you couldnt tell im in the second boat right now. in bed as we speak. and so i shall remain until it's time to go to work #at least ive been going to the woods almost every chance i get. it hasnt given me the power to write but it's been good for me i think #get out of the apartment. experience nature. pick up a snail. you know how it goes. #i kinda feel bad for entering a fandom and trying to dig out a place for myself and Kind Of succeeding #i have a good handful of followers. people who wanna see more of my analysis and fanfic #but i havent posted anything significant in like a month bc i have belonged to the void. all month. #losing family will do that to a person i guess. doesnt stop me from being frustrated though. #negative/