#thats what trying to reclaim triggers feels like | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

moonlit-positivity · 7 months

Text

Fawn response in trauma is so incredibly hard to talk about and to also identify because its actually quite insidious how this forms as a survival technique in childhood, because that means that they (ur abusers) are so invasive and controlling to your very being that your brain says, the only way we can survive this is to mimic the danger itself, so that we can trick the ones harming us that we are on their side so that MAYBE they'll let up on us for a minute or two...

Fawn response in childhood abuse is absolutely insidious because it can show up in ways like...

- "you're right, it's my fault" in a situation that is clearly not your fault, but you know arguing just escalates the situation even worse

- self sabotage or punishing yourself in order to "save face" or hope that they'll go easy on you

- hitting or abusing urself whenever you suspect they're gonna be mad at you

- if/when they are mad at you, you feel like you need to outwardly show you are suffering and not happy with yourself because they are mad and upset at you

- involuntarily kissing ass or constantly taking the blame even for things you didn't do

- taking on more housework or emotional duties to show you love them and that you arent trying to be "difficult"

- subconsciously picking up and adapting certain kinds of traits from your abuser in hopes that it will bring you closer together, like picking their favorite sports team or becoming invested in their favorite hobbies

Fawning can also look like...

- martyrism/"taking one for the team" or constantly defending the abuser when they are faced with outside criticism (i.e. as a kid I used to get mad at my friends for calling my mother crazy, "thats my mother you can't say that!")

- saving/healing fantasies in which you wish to heal the abuser so you can fix them and finally gain their approval

- being so enmeshed with your abuser that you often feel like you are them, i.e. "i feel so empty, i feel like im just wearing my mother's face and skin..."

- Stockholm & emotional incest, even feeling like you're dating ur abusers or that you're not allowed to give anyone else your attention except them 24/7

- any situation where you feel unsafe unless you are giving constant validation to someone who you actually do not like and do not want to be around, but they are so volatile that this is the only way you can survive this moment. That's fawning.

Fawn response is one that personally makes me sick to my stomach when I think of all the times it's shown up in my life, because of how incredibly sickening the situations have to be for someone to hide their pain and disgust and act in a total opposite way that strips us of our autonomy but also induces humiliation and shame by keeping us "leashed and bound" to our abusers... we mistake our fawn responses for love when in reality our true authentic souls are screaming out in protest...

Healing fawn response comes in restoring your intuition and your sense of self- no, you're not crazy for being paranoid or triggered about that thing they said that reminded you of what you went through, that's your body picking up those same signals that you've already been through!- reclaiming your emotional boundaries, asking yourself how do you define true genuine love and connection with those you love and want to have in your life? Working through the abdomen chakra point, the root of our trust, regaining trust in ourselves to communicate when we feel threatened and to trust our intuition to be vulnerable enough to listen again, to trust our bodies signals... and to trust those around us to hold space for us in ways that make us feel truly safe and supported and knowing if we cannot find that in them that we have the ability to move on and look for people and places that DO hold that space for us... healing the fawn response is all about reclaiming your VOICE and the right to leave or question any situations that immediately make you ick.

#emotional health #fawn #fawn response #ptsd #cptsd #trauma #trauma recovery #trauma healing #healing #mental health #boundaries #relationships #toxic relationships #emotional abuse #fight or flight #survival mode

24 notes · View notes

mxescargot · 11 months

Text

wow pinned post!

[Profile picture description: An image of KAITO, an anime-style character with fair skin, short messy blue hair, and a headset, against a muted genderfluid pride flag background. End ID]

[Header description: a digital drawing of a glowing white butterfly perched atop the spherical knob of a brass cage. Also atop the cage is a decorative horn to one side of the knob; the entire cage is coated in a translucent, glowing white filigree pattern that varies in opacity, getting brighter towards the butterfly. End ID]

helix or leucine or kamino, they/them mostly, minor, east asian, adhd diagnosed autism vibechecked by every autistic person i know, disabled and a mobility aid user, very queer, also a median system that mostly uses i/me dwai

tealblood, prospit dreamer, mage of light ✨

i try to put image descriptions on my posts with images whenever possible and i use tonetags when i feel like tone is unclear. posts with undescribed images are tagged #no ids

i talk in caps and i dont tag weaponry or most "creepy crawlies"; i tag arthropods as #bugs for my own usage though. most common triggers + foo d and fire are tagged #cw trigger or #trigger mention

im buddhist and talk abt that + my interest in other religions under #religion

my occasional vents are tagged #vent, block that if u dont wanna see them

i reclaim cripple and queer

dni in a nutshell: dont be awful or assholeish or exclusionary (esp militantly so) thanks, more detailed dni in my carrd

i draw things sometimes (usually in autodesk sketchbook) and thats under #helix draws, sloppy stuff is under #helix doodles

i dont make much music but what i do is under #helix composes even though the only thing there rn is not an original composition

i answer mostly non-askgame asks under #helix answers and other talky talking is under #helix talks

i have so many fandoms a list can be found in my carrd although it is probably not complete also i have ocs in some of the fandoms and ocs in my own universes; here is a list of most of them

for whatever reason my current hyperfixation is now Homestuck (at A6A5 rn), and i have special interests in biology, costuming/textiles, and linguistics as well as old sci fi, social justice, and US politics i think?

pfp by @prosekai-pride, header my own screenshot redraw from the silksong trailer

my carrd hasnt been seriously updated since i was in a big "heck yeah art is my Thing" phase sorry about that lmao

#pinned post #helix talks #i am writing this what is for me late at night as a morning person bear with the. absolute rambly nonsense

5 notes · View notes

moltenfeathers · 2 months

Text

Intro / (seanacoletta -> moltenfeathers)

Names: Sean, Seana, Jazz, Beau

Pronouns: he/she/jazz, using they/them on me knowing i dont like those pronouns used on me will earn an immediate block.

16 YEARS OLD.

^ see that big scary red bolded italicized text? im a minor. nsfw blogs will be blocked on sight.

i identify as AuDHD and i am aromatic bisexual. i physically cannot feel romantic attraction even if my life depended on it, though everyoen of all genders are absolutely gorgeous and /everybody/ deserves respect.

i am otherkin. i mainly shift over to jazz and we both see each other's memories.

sometimes i say im a furry, other days i dont, but i personally prefer not to use that term for myself as i was stigmatized and made fun of.

my gender is basically all but none. i have a label thats agenderqueer and, though its contradictory and, to some, redundant, i use it for myself and im okay with that and im happy

i find it more and more difficult to link with human emotions other than my own, so please dont assume im being a dick 😭. im just expressing how i feel and sometimes i dont consider how someone else feels until the last minute.

i love writing and art !!!! anything creativity related always makes me happy! also i love people loredumping on me, new stories from others make me happy!!

i am interested in beastars, demon slayer, warriors, inheritance cycle, post-apocalyptic worlds, learning about weather, and learning about the animals around me and across the world!! tornadoes, cats, and birds are especially my favorites

i say reclaimable slurs and i often do not hold back on cussing. i also say often triggering things but i try to tag them in their respective possible triggers (please tell me if i miss one or mislabel one! i sometimes get confused)

i Think that is it other than the dni list!

DNI/BYF UNDER CUT

DNI

pedos and zoos.

bigots

anti-therian/otherkin

people who find things "cringe" (you guys are bummers and dont know how to have fun boooo tomato splatter tomato booooo

nsfw accounts. just any in general. if you are 18 and older but do not post nsfw then youre welcome obviously

genshin impact and cookie run fans. this one is very specific but i met people who are scary who like these

PROSHIPPERS GET THE FUCK OUT

vivziepop fans/people who "enjoy the art but not the artist" when it comes to this person. both the art and artist are shitty in their own respective ways

^ this also goes for harry potter

terfs/swerfs/any other exclusionists

zionists, pro isreali/"neutral" on the Palestinian genocide.

people who support @/ofbeing7deadly or any of their close friends.

BYF

i consider myself extremely mentally ill. i do not hold back on anything im passionate about and i often fight for what i believe is right. i get very defensive and argumentative because thats what ive been unconsciously taught to do by my parents. like i said earlier, im not that good at understanding human emotion that isnt my own and i dont often consider someone elses feelings until last minute.

I AM GETTING THERAPY FOR THIS.

i block liberally and i will block even if im a little annoyed at something i disagree with. i do hear people out!! but if theyre extremely wrong, i just block before i become heated and end up causing a huge fight

1 note · View note

thepetrichorcollective · 2 years

Text

system names

just a few tips on naming your system!

Not every system has to have a name, if you'd like you can go without one! especially if that gets rid of the stress over it ^^

If you're worried about members of your system not liking what you come up with, try writing down a few ideas to test them out and get your headmates opinions. Communication and feedback helps, simply just listening to what other members of your system have to say can go a long way even if its just having them write down what they want to say. You can eventually have the list narrowed down to one or a few that everyone has mutual feelings towards and maybe even make a vote on it.

If you're struggling to come up with ideas or are worried it wont be unique enough, thats okay! I wouldn't be surprised if there was another system out there called "The petrichor collective" so dont fret if there's already a system with a name you like, a double is likely to happen. To start you could try listing names that have to do with common interests! for example when writing own ideas for our name we had things like "Nature, Rain, Art, Languages and Sci-Fi" all pop up. so we tried a few names based on those. we had "the Garden System" previously but later changed to "the Petrichor Collective" because Petrichor mixed our interested in rain and languages while Collective gave off the sci-fi vibes!

You could also search up some generators like a name wheel or random word generator and use those to help you come up with something that just happens to sound good to you!

Whether its renaming your system, fining a name for your newly discovered system or other, im sure whatever you land on will be great! I do advice against having it be anything thats possibly offensive or triggering though such as using slurs regardless of whether or not you can claim them because there will be people who shouldn't say it/Cant reclaim it, using it when referring to you so d o keep that in mind ^^;

ENDOS / NON-TRAUMAGENICS DNI

61 notes · View notes

creatingnikki · 2 years

Text

Lately I have been using the word ‘trauma’ a lot to describe certain situations where I get so overwhelmed and just cannot deal. I think, okay, that’s my trauma response. So it suddenly hit me, am I just misusing the word? What does trauma even really mean? I just looked it up and this is what came up:

Trauma is the response to a deeply distressing or disturbing event that overwhelms an individual's ability to cope, causes feelings of helplessness, diminishes their sense of self and their ability to feel a full range of emotions and experiences. It does not discriminate and it is pervasive throughout the world.

And now I know I have actually been underplaying it all along. It’s not normal for me to think that I cannot say no to people personally and at work. Or to feel like a horrible person and feel that they will hate if I try to say no. It’s not normal for me to have to journal 15 minutes before and 15 minutes after every difficult conversation. It’s not normal. It is all, in fact, a trauma response. I do feel a gnawing sense of helplessness even in daily routine situations that others wouldn’t think twice about. This inability to cope with and this diminishing sense of self that automatically triggers an ugly, intense, and lengthy internal monologue thats sole agenda is to hate on my existence and every single thing I have ever said, done, or even thought? This is not normal.

I always cringed at the use of the word ‘normal’. That’s because when I was in high school I was bullied for not being normal and the word ‘weird’ was the most commonly used to describe me. So, of course, I was not going to feed that narrative and describe things and people as normal or not normal. Because what was so great in conforming with other people? What was so wrong from deviating from the norms? I accepted every person for every shade of their existence. But how did I not see? This has led to such a toxic pattern in my life.

Because I never paid heed to what is normal, I have allowed people to behave in all sorts of ways with me. Because I did not have a sense of what’s acceptable and what’s unacceptable I allowed everything - all sorts of behaviours and people - pass. Showed them the green light. It felt unfair to me to discriminate against someone based on literally anything. Even when it was harming me quite directly and consistently.

Okay so you say I am your family but disappear for six months until you show back around and expect all the love and warmth only to disappear again for 3 months? Sure, that’s just how you are, right? That’s okay. Okay so you want to never cheer me on when I meet any major milestone because you are so sad about your insecurities but expect me to throw a parade every time you take even a baby step? Sure, that’s okay, that’s just what you need.

FUCK.

It’s only now that I see - this is NOT NORMAL.

And I am reclaiming that word again.

Not to bully people. Not to look down on them. Not to be mean to them. But to only let people into my life or even the periphery of my life who align with my values.

Values not interests or appearance or quirks.

Like I don’t care if you love films and never read a book. That’s fine. Let’s have varied interests. I don’t care if you have 10,000 piercings or a face tattoo. That’s cool. I also don’t care if you need to triple check the door lock before you leave. I can see why. But what are your values?

Do you expect people to give you a 5-star treatment when you never want to step up from giving them 2-star treatment? Do you expect things from people that you would never consider even doing for them? Are you careful with your words and the emotions of others? Do you have the maturity and courage to have difficult conversations and apologise sincerely? Do you reflect on your behaviour and how that impacts those you interact with?

Because that’s what I care about. And that’s what I want normal to mean in my world. When I call someone a friend or a lover or anything of any importance in my life, these are the normal behaviours and values I want to refer to.

And anything that is not normal, I don’t have to chide or try to change. I simply have to not even consider. People can be whoever they want. They are whoever they want. But I don’t have to accept that and I don’t have to be okay with that. But most importantly, I don’t even have to begin dealing with that. I won’t.

I know now what my normal is. And I am going to work on being assertive about that. Judging? That's an evolutionary instinct for our safety. I am going to apply that. I have to be better at self preservation. If I don't, all this self love? It's hollow. And that doesn't align with my values, does it?

107 notes · View notes

chumpmagump · 3 years

Text

24 things you've learned about your 24th year on this planet. 1. After having lots of trouble with love and loss, I've learned I will be ok. Remember you are growing into the woman you are are piece by piece.. reclaiming the person you were before the rest of them thought it was okay to take you away from yourself and you thought it was okay to let them. Many will come and go, but you dont have to lose a piece of yourself with them. Be strong, don't let them. 2. It is okay to love someone but not like them. It is okay to have compassion and empathy yet still hold your ground that you deserve better treatment. Compassion is not synonymous with lack of boundaries. 3. After talking to your therapist and doing some hardcore reflection you know you show traits of bipolar disorder or borderline personality. Your therapist thinks its bipolar, you're pretty sure its BPD.. this hurts because BPD is stigmatised to the shit house - you would almost rather have bipolar. You work in a hospital where BPD presentations are rampant and you diagnose them in your assessments a lot. Your coworkers like to say things like '' we got another borderline up in ED...'' as if its a massive inconvenience. You feel kind of weird being a 'quiet' borderline because you function quite well but know you have this fucked up secret that you keep from others for fear of judgement. Your behaviour isnt affecting your functioning enough to warrant a diagnosis. But that doesnt mean your experience isnt true. You're good at recognising when your triggered and where it originates from, and actively pull back more and more from impulsive decisions. You can sit with your emotion at times and you've stopped abusing phenergan and have been self harm clean for almost a year now? so yay for you regulating more of yourself! 4. You realise searching for validation only leads to experiences of invalidation. Stop doing it. 5. You're good at empathising to a point where you find it hard to be angry at others for long, you sometimes tolerate too much because you can reason with the persons reasoning for acting the way they are. You shouldnt mistake this for respect, because its not. You still need self-respect. 6. Making spontaneous choices has led to some new experiences, like changing jobs, moving towns, meeting new people. You've learned you've missed out a lot in your last 5 years of 20 hood because of fear of rejection/anxiety/ unsafe situation phobia. but now thats all you want to do, you fear staying static for too long more than you do change. You're ready for new exciting things. 7. Friendships matter way more than romance ever will. Build your friendships and you will always feel connected and OK no matter what the status of your dating life is. 8. Going for solitude car trips with your music blaring, singing meaningfully, on a road in the dark to no particular, with no particular deadline is your muse. You spend a lot of time in your thoughts and with yourself, and sometimes you imagine being in company when the loneliness hits. But funnily enough when company does finally arrive, you yearn for the space you had with yourself. Honour that time. 9. What you make of this life literally doesnt fucking matter. You will be born again. You will never get another chance to be in this body, with this family, with these friends, in this place, at this time though. Do whatever you can to enrich your experience and dont worry about if other people are having a better time. Concern yourself with your own experience. 10. You validate yourself. Stop asking your friends what you think you should do about a situation, dont feel the need to tell them every situaiton thats going on with you to hear their perspective. Listen to your own voice. You dont listen to her enough. 11. You dont actually have to put up with people being rude to you anymore, you can voice that things bother you. You're not quite there when it comes to friends you dont know too well.. or family you know blow up easily, but you're less of a people pleaser somewhat and i'm proud

of you for that effort.

12. You realise you need to stop seeking validation that others have hurt you. If it hurts it hurts. Simple as that. 13. Trust a person by their actions waaaaaaaaaaaay more than their words. And give a person 6 months. They tend to send their representative first for a while. 14. Sometimes you dream up people without knowing first who they are. Its ok to do this but don't be surprised when they dont fit the version you had of them in your head. Sometimes living in fantasy is far more intoxicating than what comes to fruition. Sometimes i wish i only knew some people for the period of time where they were warm to my heart.

15. Keep going to therapy, its doing amazing things and slowly but surely helping you change your procedurally learned patterns of behaviour including the desire and panic to want to fix social relationships that sometimes shouldnt be fixed. If someone did something shitty to you, and they are upset with YOU , for whatever reason- this does not mean what they did to you is void. It may even mean they are deflecting and gaslighting you. Get out of there and you know dont like goodbyes of any kind. so in this case slowly drop off contact. 16. people cant read your mind with how your feeling, so tell them.. what they do with that information is on them after that.

17. you dont have to take pictures of everything. You will remember the experience more if you dont. 18. Drink your damn coffee!! its not going to stain your teeth anymore. you are so diligent with your skin and teeth care, you deserve to live a little.

19. Dont have sex with friends, just dont. its messy.

20. Just because someone doesnt choose you, doesnt mean you arent good enough. It means they're blind, theyre not meant for you, or better doors are opening. Sometimes you need to shut a few doors for some to open. Trust the process. 21. Its time to start doing the things yu have said you were going to do for years. Its time to sign up for that dance class, its time to start writing again (and you have been!), its time to start stretching (and you have been!), its time to finish your courses (and you have been chipping away!). The best thing is you are so motivated right now to do all of these things. They no longer feel like words, they feel like happenings. 22. Your body and mind is so much stronger than you think. You are managing a 23 + caseload, and working across emergency and intake. You sometimes dont have a lunch break and work 9 hour days at times. You still have the ability to relay information and type notes at great speed, connect with clients at a great depth and come to eat, shower and have been dedicating time to study and friends. Your body is a machine, and you are so much more robust than you give yourself credit for. People look at you and see a small petite typical white girl, but you are strength! 23. You have learned sex can be a safe and very enjoyable experience this year very recently. Even though the partner turned out to be a careless character emotionally within the friendship, you were able to experience what it was like to be that connected with someone sensually in such an intense way which was a first for you. Now you know what kind of sex you like - well you always did but now you know it exists. Good for you.

24. You spend the most time by yourself with yourself. Validate your own experiences and try to interrupt the fantasy that you should be waiting for someone else to enhance or witness it. i know you like to think about what it would be like to sing in the car with someone next to you, or to laugh about a ridiculous vine and hear someone elses laughter drown out your own, or to dance around your house and have someone watch you in awe... but its okay to be your own witness. This is one is probably the hardest ones of them all... All you've ever wanted is to feel seen. You fantasize about it all time, you live in fantasy because atleast you can always feel seen there. You're not so sure if you put yourself out there you'll leave feeling more discarded and invisible than before. This way its safer. It's time to witness you. It's time for 25. A year full of spontaneity, new experiences, enhanced friendships, self validation and enormous growth.

It's finally time to stop hiding from people, pleasurable experiences and desire.

It's time for 25.

#august 2021 #birthday #reflections #journal #25th

9 notes · View notes

latulasbian-1 · 3 years

Note

what are your thoughts on kankri? personally i never understood the appeal and im interested to hear your take since he Was on the b tier of your list

OK! Sorry for lateness but I only noticed your question at like 2:00 AM and needed a full tank of brain-gas to be able to convey my thoughts even semi-coherently.

So Kankri’s a weird one, probably one of the most convoluted and self-contradictory characters in Homestuck. Its fitting given he’s pretty much a one note joke and hussie’s one-note joke characters actually wind up being either his most oddly complex (see: equius and feferi for instance) or most sympathetic (see: Nepeta). Kankri’s a bit of both imo, though I wouldn’t call him a favorite for me.

Kankri’s characterization is built almost entirely on one fuckin’ note: “LOL AIN’T TUMBLR SJWs FUNNY AND ANNOYING!?!?!?”. If you disagree with this then I don’t even know what to tell you, bc everything from his style of long-winded monologues (that wind up running up on Hussie Ableism Moments bc in-narrative his infodumping is supposed to be annoying???) to his inability to take social cues to his supposed-to-be-interpreted-as-excessive use of trigger warnings to his unapologetic killjoy attitude to his supposed hypocrisy/”privilege” are literally all just a fucking layer cake of anti-SJW stereotypes. This is where the issue of how the fandom interprets Kankri kicks in, as people’s opinions on him (aside from a few diehards) tend to scale from “DAWWW CUTE WIDDLE UPPITY BEANBOY” to “fucking annoying neoliberal”. For the matter, neither of these are intended by Hussie, while he did design him to be cute he wasn’t meant to be hateable for leftist homestuck fans as a (neo-)liberal or faux leftist. Hussie just designed him after everyone hussie found annoying in the social justice community primarily on tumblr. Even his political monologues, though not WITHOUT hypocrisy and bullshit, tend to actually skew towards “pretty fucking reasonable hussie just thinks people being upset by bad stuff is stupid”.

Now, people cite Kankri being ableist in his criticism of certain other dancestors for ~conforming to stereotypes~, which yes from an in context scenario is pretty fucking bad. If someone IRL is dealing with their disability in a way you think seems pretty stereotypical keep that thought to yourself. HOWEVER, AS ONE OF THE MOST CRUCIAL POINTS TOWARDS KANKRI BEING GENERALLY SYMPATHETIC, WE GET THE META ELEMENT. Hussie, in writing a hypocritical mansplainer who goes on and on and on about everything thats politically incorrect about the people around him, practically beat-for-beat replicates talking points PEOPLE HAVE USED TO CRITICIZE HOMESTUCK ITSELF. YES! MITUNA’S PRESENTATION AS A CHARACTER IS 100% UNAMBIGUOUSLY AWFUL IN ITS PORTRAYAL OF PEOPLE WITH BRAIN INJURIES AND MENTAL DISORDERS. DAMARA IS A RACIST STEREOTYPE SO BAD HUSSIE SHOULD GET THROWN IN JAIL. INCEST IS BAD. If ANYONE in homestuck should’ve pulled the meta knowledge shit in post-canon, kankri would’ve been a WAYYYYYY better candidate than dirk for it, especially since kankri seems halfway to realizing he’s fictional just by political analysis of the story he’s in! Kankri seems to exist at the apex of Hussie’s confusion about fandom, given he’s baffled enough by people being obsessed with his work yet so intensely negative that he can only seem to think of them as obsessive manchild wierdos with no sense of rational thought. As someone who myself unironically loves Homestuck and yet have an entire third of my brain dedicated to ripping it apart on an ethical level, I can see some of myself in that turtleneck’d contrarian. Just because someone is a fan of something doesn’t mean they will or should unthinkingly defend it from all recourse. This is something homestuck as a whole struggles with, I think back to the aspect or extended zodiac quiz where one of the questions amounted to “someone is talking shit about a show you like, how do you respond” and there wasn’t even an answer for “actually listen to what they’re trying to say and consider if they could be right”. Kankri is a symbol of sorts for those critical enjoy-ers, in a way. A stupid silly not-that-meaningful way, but a way. I think people should reclaim him.

I’ve touched on it a bit before, but the last main sympathizing aspect of kankri for me (aside from personality things like his frankly unearned patience with a friend group that entirely fucking hates his guts) is a trait share by almost all the dancestors: Hussie’s fucking disturbing use of mental illness & psychiatric disorders with them. Between Kankri’s unwillingness to observe common social cues, his overtly poised and practiced manner of speaking, his obsession with using trigger warnings to warn off confrontation in leu of not just speaking his mind with everything, his tendency to cling to certain articles of clothing for long periods of time, his implied difficulty taking care of himself physically, and the fucking insulting “mom-friend useless-manchild-who-needs-nannying” dynamic he has with Porrim, he comes off (intentionally or no) as a beat-for-beat embodiment of an autistic person as seen through Hussie’s tropey and horribly ableist worldview. This is a common trait he shares with both Aranea and Mituna, as well as many of the other dancestors to lesser degrees (many of them, like Mituna, also have OTHER mental disorders flat-out-stated in such a way that makes their depiction just fucking confused and bad). For me, and for at least SOME other people, it makes unbiased critical reactions to them damn near impossible. They deserve better than how hussie can write them. In a lot of ways I have friends like Kankri, and Hussie’d almost fucking certainly find them just as embarrassing and annoying as he meant for Kankri to be.

So yeah, Kankri isn’t my favorite by any means but i don’t feel like i can or should condemn him. He’s fun. I’d watch his video essays.

And this isn’t even BEGINNING to touch on how much I loathe Porrim as an example of “good cool fun feminists that hussie can sexualize!” And her more open bisexuality than other trolls being both a tool for fetishization by Hussie and a fucking skin-crawling thing to use as a contrast for Kanaya’s status as either “the only confirmed lesbian in homestuck (until postcanon showed rose was a lesbian too)” or “the only lesbian troll in existence ever bc thats totally how sexuality would work with aliens” (sorry if you ascribe to the “all trolls are bisexual bc they’re supposedly binormative as a get-out-of-jail-free card for hussie’s hetero-ass ship tease shit” then. well get better soon)

(seriously though everyone who pulls the “kanaya is the only lesbian alternian” shit owes every lesbian 100 dollars)

#homestuck #kankri #longpost #discourse #Anonymous

57 notes · View notes

hanyohime · 4 years

Text

A Broken blade 🗡️ , Rainbow Children 🌈 🦋 and the Root of all Evil🌳

Yashahime Ep. 2 and Ep. 3 (preview) observations and altering theories:

So some of my previous theories were a bit off, like Towa’s sword being found because of some reaction to Setsuna’s Eye/Golden Pearl. However, it is still unclear if the sword itself has some special ability or if Towas Silver Pearl is projecting energy into it. We saw how in Ep. 2 her sword breaks on the Three Eyed Mistress, but in the Ep. 3 preview you can see her with the blue blade of light that was advertised in the promo posters. I do not think that this light is coming form the power of the pearl per se, as the glow from her eye is White/Silver but the energy emitting from the broken blade is Blue. I believe this light/energy is coming from Towa herself, from an unrealized power.

I have a theory that sword in its broken state is how she will rid or help individuals possessed by the demonic roots. Perhaps she will even be cable to do this without having to kill the host directly, much like the Tensseiga and the demons of the underworld. I also have this idea that her sword will be able to cast things into the rainbow corridor because they have to get rid of the Three Eyed Mistress somehow in the next episode, but I don’t have much to go on that yet... I think the sword will eventually be repaired, I believe Moroha will direct Towa to someone in the past to repair the blade. It will most likley be the mystery character who is yet to have a name, as they are seen in the promo poster with a similarly wrapped weapon, just like Towas sword. I think it would be pretty cool if it remained broken and the blade is just this mysterious blue energy that projects out from the hilt.

Side note: Despite my initial theory being wrong, Towa does find the sword in modern times but it seems to be some sort of relic, perhaps from the Higurashi shrine? She says it belonged to Ashikaga Yoshiteru which, according to some google sleuthing, is one of the most prominent Shogun of the Muromachi period of Japan. In Ep. 1, we were introduced to the Deputy Shogun, Ogigayatsu Hiiraga Danjo. How I interpreted this information is that the Ogigayatsu this is just another clan within the Ashikaga or allied with them. It also says that the Ogigayatu clan is defeated by the Hojo clan, and the Ashikaga clan was driven out of Kyoto by Oda Nobunaga. This means the girls will be in a time where there is a lot of clan conflicts, and sociopolitical problems in general. It was mentioned that the surrounding provinces (villages?) have been fighting, in the Ep. 1 flashback.

In the preview for the next episode we see that Towa will be possessed by a demonic root parasite that attaches to her face, most likely to get a hold of the Silver Pearl. I believe this thing was attached to the Three Eyed Mistress and is perhaps what caused her to rampage the local villages. There are a couple points in Ep. 2 where she begins to glow purple, much like the demon/creatures the girls are facing off with in the opening song. This makes me believe Root Head, who appears to be anchored to the sacred tree, must sprout root like creatures to do his bidding around the surrounding villages. This is quite worrisome as it seems that no one will be safe from these parasites. I have a feeling this will cause a lot of problems for the girls in their search for answers as they, and the company they keep, will be easy targets as they roam the land with 3 pearls. I bet stronger more fearsome demons could also be possessed in efforts to stop the girls from fixing the past, maybe even ones we are familiar with. Root Head could also be causing a lot of the clan conflicts in the surrounding villages, so that he can generate more fuel (AKA human heads) and gain more power. Yotsume, who I assume is working with Root Head, was already able to infiltrate one clan. Who knows if there aren't other allies of Root Head with other clan leaders, trying to spur on the blood shed. Just something to think about.

I believe The Three Eyes Misstress is most likely being used as a pawn to search for pearls, and it could be because of her strong ability to sense them? What I found very interesting was her saying that the pearl had demon powers, which makes me wonder about the theory of Kagome creating them. I believe she, as a priestess, would not have the ability to specifically create demonic pearls. So right now I am leaning more on the idea that they were already in existence beforehand. It also makes me wonder if the OG crew are sealed in them or they were thrown into the rainbow corrido like Towa was? But this doesn't explain where Sessomaru and Rin are if the twins have those pearls... but I’m not opposed to the idea that our beloved missing characters are in different time lines or realms in pearls form or not.

So it is now apparent that the pearls were created BEFORE the night of the fire as Towa, and presumably Sestuna, had the pearls in their eyes when they were very young. If Im going on the theory that Sesshomaru is the Silver Pearl and Rin is the Golden Pearl, something must have happened to them before the girls have the pearls, more in the past than we expected.

Another thing is that Towa mentions that they lived in the forest for a long time? I have noticed a lot of people interpret this as they lived alone in the forest, but in the english subtitles she simply states that they lived in the forest. I don’t necessarily think they were orphaned, someone had to have raised them and clothed them, but who?! Something else I noted was that Setsuna does not have her Monomoko with her when she is little, so it definitely is given to her after the fire. Does Sesshomaru save her? I have read some people suggesting that Sesshomaru may not even know he has daughters, but I don’t think this is likely because how would Setsuna receive her Mokomoko if she hadn't met him? The fandom have also been noting on how it was strange that these two girls ran around the forrest and there doesn't appear to be any demons around that may be threatening to them. I have a thought, perhaps this is an area that has been eradicated of demons from not only Inuyasha and crew, but Sesshomaru, so that his children can roam and live freely. I have a feeling that Sesshomaru will have more of a status role in the series, perhaps he reclaimed his fathers domain? I only think this because the girls are referred to as princesses, and why in a series that has put down half demons so much would they be addressed as such if it were not for their lineage? Something else that keeps nagging me is that perhaps the days of demons are coming to an end slowly? Or perhaps the scene below is an altered memory?

Another theory thats a bust is Moroha and Setsuna knowing each other, which is something I can not wrap my head around. How would these two girls who have such similar careers, never cross paths, and meet for the first time now after 10 years!? Although, I believe that Moroha meeting Setsuna for the first time and calling her “Setsu-chan” is what actually triggers the Golden Pearl in Setsuna’s eye to start glowing. Something about calling her by this nick name may be triggering a memory, perhaps there is a lost memory of Moroha calling her “Setsu-chan” when they were young and the annoyance she feels towards it is giving her some kind of nostalgia for a past she can’t remember.

Kohaku appears to know Moroha in a way, as she has made some kind of a reputation for herself as Beniyasha. He addresses her as “dono” in Japanese which I was told meant that he is showing her respect as an equal, most likely professionally. In english it was translated as “Lady”, which confused me but the Japanese version makes more sense. But how does Kohaku know her? Does he know who she really is, or have they had run ins with each other in the past? I would assume as leader/chief of the Demon Slayers he would keep track of reported bounty hunters slaying demons out side of his devision. But it appears he doesn't know much about her abilities as he was surprised she had sealing arrows.

Hisui also does not appear to know anything about her as he says “a demon and a bounty hunter?, as if he could only sense that she has demonic energy. So it’s safe to assume that Hisui and Kirara do not know/remember her, this could even be the first time they have met in person, and he only knows descriptions of her, but he does refer to her by name. I am a little concerned at Hisui’s haste to attack Moroha, despite her explanation that she was simply there waiting for her bounty, it definitely shows that he feels little respect for bounty hunters. At first I thought he was judging Moroha for being part demon... This made me wonder about his childhood, does he have some memories of something traumatic, perhaps a demon making his parents and maybe even his sisters disappear? However I doubt this now because of his familiarity with Setsuna and of course Kirara.

The one theory I'm most disappointed about is Hisui potentially not having a rainbow pearl. Because the Three eyed Mistress was able to sense Moroha’s and the one in Setsuna’s eye so easily, but made no indication that there was another present as she chases Hisui, Kirara and Setsuna towards Kaedes Village. So I now I have reason to believe that the largest bead on his prayer beads on his left arm is not a rainbow pearl. However! I am not completely dismissing the idea. I like to think that the prayer beads are actually concealing its power for the time being, at least until Hisui has his own moment where memories trigger a reaction from the pearl. Fingers crossed.

Whether it’s a pearl or not, I am still going with the theory that Hisui is spiritually inclined like his father. I think Hisui will play an important role in finding some of the pearls, specifically the coral and blue pearl. I hope as they set out for answers that Hisui and Kirara will be joining the girls. Hisui and Setsuna seem to have a solid working relationship (the ship has sailed folks!), and I am excited to learn more about what kind of personal relationship they have as they were most likely raised together in the demon slayer village. I have a theory that it is Hisui or Kirara who finds Setsuna during the fire which is how she eventually ends up in the demon slayer village and under Kohakus care. When it comes to any potential romantic feelings forming between Setsuna and Hisui I can see Setsuna being a little more indifferent about it and Hisui struggling hopelessly to gain her trust as more than just a fellow demon slayer. It would be really funny if he is the exact opposite of his father when it comes to love and has NO game what so ever.

Moroha seems familiar with the Rainbow pearls and the time tunnel, calling it the “Rainbow Corridor.” But how does she know about it!? After passing through the CorrIdor she also expresses that she feels weak, what would cause this? Is it Root Head draining their energy? Setsuna also seems to be having a hard time getting out of the Three Eyed Mistress’s hold, perhaps she too feels the effects of the time travel. This is completely different from the time passage Kagome went through, it must be specifically linked to the pearls (the name kind of gives that away). How much does Moroha know about this corridor? Another theory could be that she has seen this happen before to others, perhaps she recalls the events that caused the disappearance of our main characters but her memories are also altered. Before Moroha and Setsuna are pulled in, the tree (Root Head) actually speaks to them stating that it had not felt the the presence of the pearls for 10 years, so Root Head also knows or their existence, again firming the theory that they were in existence before the incidence that causes everyone to disappear and for memories to be altered. Perhaps Yotsume observed the creation or gathered information for Root Head on the Rainbow Pearls and set out a plan to collect them, and maybe in the past starting a fire was a part of this plan. Another thing is Root head says he is returning to THIS world, what could he mean by this? What world could it be returning from... curious.

With all of this, I am now convinced that almost everyone has had their memories tampered with, in one way shape or form, and some more than others.

Once again, that all I got for now! I’ll probably edit this post a few times tbh

This post goes out to @hanmajoerin @kumikodiary @inukag @viva-el-belt-libre @d-o-v-e-y @companion-for-who @biancam70 thanks for going theory crazy with me!! <3

#hanyo no yashahime #inuyasha #kagome higurashi #Sesshomaru #towa higurashi #moroha higurashi #moroha #half demon princess yashahime #Beniyasha #yashahimeprincesshalfdemon #hanyou no yashahime: sengoku otogizoushi #towa #Yashahime: Princess Half-Demon #Yashahime #yashahime theory

56 notes · View notes

dyketubbo · 2 years

Note

I get where you are coming from with the "malewife being misogynistic" thing, but i also think that it's kind of the point? Like the word girlboss comes from pyramid schemes trying to recruit stay at home moms, it's not a positive thing. The word girlboss literally suggests that women can not be bosses/business savvy. And if they are then you have to put girl in front of the word. Same thing as like pink camo prints and pink guns. Femanizing "men" things. None of the words (gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss, manipulate, mansplain, malewife) have positive meanings. The point is that people are taking terms with bad meanings and turning them into funny haha memes. So yeah, malewife is clearly misogynistic but it's sort of like it's been reclaimed??? If that makes any sense

im gonna be real and upfront with you nonnie that does not really make the situation sound any better lol. i get what you Mean but its clear in how these terms are used for beloved characters and how even the gaslight gatekeep girlboss meme has helped in "gaslight" becoming a meme term instead of an actually useful term that has a specific meaning (cough cough, triggered meme, anyone?). like, yes i know how it started, but its the end result that makes me go Hm, if that all makes any sense.

id be all for it if it was Actually making fun of the people that think this way, but now theyve turned into words that people use affectionately or even as compliments (look at this fandom, for example, we all know how girlboss niki went down). i guess ultimately thats why the only time i really enjoy these kinds of jokes is with c!beeduo bc like. i know most beeduo fans are actually making fun of these terms. the nuclear family jokes, the 50s housewife ranboo, its all clear satire and meant to make fun of these sorts of tropes, though at the same time even That can get all. woo boy for me, i suppose. not to tie even more questionable jokes/memes into this conversation, but its sort of similar to how simp has grown to be misused and while i havent talked about it in a while i think quite a few longtime followers of mine know how i feel about derogatory aave terms being made into jokes that are practically just as derogatory but now just completely removing the racial aspect which is not as good as it sounds honestly

#(for anyone who doesnt know yes simp is aave its used to call black men pathetic. its like. literally meant to mean the opposite of pimp)#angel answers #satire stops becoming satire when you just end up adding to the problem yknow?

4 notes · View notes

frecklystars · 1 month

Text

i hate that i see one gifset of stsc and my whole body just. locks up. and starts shaking. i hate that i immediately feel like im going to die. im not in danger oh my god im just. im just looking at a fictional robot and my body makes me react as if i have to run. run from what??? im so tired of feeling so nauseous and dizzy and angry every single day. my god i miss stsc more than anything. loving ken is great but it is not the same. nothing is the same. i have come to truly hate TF with my entire being, even tho TF didnt hurt me, it was someone i associated with TF. but i am so bitter about what happened to me and i wish the franchise never existed bc then i never would have met my abuser. but at the same time i miss TF so badly i just want to be able to look at an insignia without crying, or think of a flower meadow without my heart breaking, or listen to the 400 songs collecting dust on my TF playlist. my god there is so much music i miss, but every time i listen to a song on that playlist, my brain just associates it with my TF ships and then i miss them too badly and i cant enjoy the music for what it is. i have tried associating them with ken. i have tried associating them with barbie. it doesnt work. the furthest ive gotten is associating 7 out of 200 megakeri songs with patrickeri but !!! thats just!!! 7 songs!!! out of!!! two!!! hundred!!!!!

i dont know how to explain it to someone who doesnt get triggered but its literally like... spikes of adrenaline shooting through my body and making me shake every time i see something related to TF or even something that would remind me of a TF selfship i had. and my breathing either becomes very short or i just hold my breath entirely. and i start sweating and my body locks up and there's this urge to run, to hide, to call for help, but i cant do any of that, i just freeze up. and like lol thats so stupid bro. ill see a color and it triggers me, ill see a honeybee and i start crying, i see a flower meadow, or like. just. the word starlight. or hearing a song that reminds me of my TF ships. i miss them all so fucking badly. i see hailee steinfeld and it hurts so bad bc i loved her the most in the bumblebee movie, i loved charlie so dearly, she was one of my favorite main f/os years ago, now its like... i just have such a horrible horrible horrible association with charlie and bee and TF in general and i . dont know. how to reclaim that. and seeing them makes my body react like "you're gonna die holy shit" just automatically. immediately. i cannot control it. it just happens. it sucks.

steve blum hugged me so so so tight just days ago and said stsc would never hurt me. like three times. and that stsc misses me and loves me. growled it, as if stsc was truly enraged for being ripped away from me. and yet my brain is still like... numb. i watch the video with steve and im numb. he hugged me tightly and rubbed my back and, like, okay great i didnt have any "oh my god im gonna die" feelings when he was voicing stsc for me, but i was just... numb. totally shut down. i didnt expect seeing him again to fix me, but i was hoping so terribly that it would do something. anything. but i am tired of feeling this way and i want to try to do something about it even if theres almost nothing i can really do except try my fucking best one day at a time

i think one of my main problems is ive spent three years LOVING TF, feeling good with it, la la la. and then BAM about nine-ish months of being isolated with someone who ruined my fucking life. now spent about 16-ish months looking at TF whether it's a gifset or a photo or even just a flower that reminds me of a character or something, then having a trigger reaction where im crying/vomiting/hyperventilating, and then disengaging with TF entirely and spending days trying to come down from being triggered. for over a year, i have been unintentionaly training myself to believe i cannot look at TF. like. i am unable to ground myself when im triggered, i am supposed to say "ok im scared right now but he would never hurt me" or whatever. but i havent been able to do that, i just get triggered and immediately try to get away from whatever i saw that triggered me, and its wired my brain to believe TF is genuinely something to avoid.

i think i need to get into the habit of drawing myself with a TF character at least... once every two weeks. or once a week if i am able to. but i cannot just sit here, missing TF every day, get triggered if i see it, and then avoid it and then cry about avoiding it, and the cycle continues. i cannot keep fucking doing that. dude there has to be a way for me to fix myself. i need to train my brain to believe its gonna be ok even if it takes a long ass time. and then the next time i meet steve blum maybe ill feel? better? cmon, if the voice actor can hug me and say stsc would never hurt his little starflower and my brain doesnt believe that, then there is something else i gotta do. i cant just sit here and feel bad!!!! i have tried several forms of therapy and then i ran outta money, i have tried watching the shows but got a BAD reaction out of that, i tried commissioning ppl to draw myself with TF characters but it's done nothing but waste my money bc i cannot look at the pics, i have tried talking to friends about TF and associating it with them, but none of this shit has worked. but you know what did genuinely make me feel better back when this was really fresh? me drawing myself with TF characters and people commenting nice things about it. me posting drawings of me with stsc and people writing a nice tag or a nice comment. that helped the most. i need to get back into the habit of doing that even if i just get one (1) nice comment, i know it will make a difference. nice comments have always made a significant difference for me whether it's my inbox or dms or replies, any time someone shows me kindness, it helps a lot. and maybe if i just. keep. doing that. i can slowly but surely condition myself to believe again that im safe when i see TF. because i am. i am safe and i am loved and i am missed even if i dont believe that at ALL i know it's there even if i'm completely numb to it

my goal isnt even to hyperfixate on TF again. its to just... be indifferent to it, god that is the best case scenario for me right now, realistically. i just want to not be immediately triggered. i'll have reactions with ken or driver sometimes where i'm like "what if they hurt me" but that's not a trigger. i dont feel like im going to die when i look at them. but i feel like im going to die when i look at TF and im so sick of that. lol im done with that. fuck that. i shall take matters into my own hands. even if it takes years i am NOT giving up!!! no matter how many times i cry and scream and stress vomit and jolt awake from nightmares and make vent posts saying "its hopeless ill never ever ever reclaim them" i WILL fucking reclaim them i dont care if it takes me until im 90 years old!!!!!!!!! i hate living like this and i KNOW if i keep kicking and thrashing eventually something's gotta give. i cannot just lay here on the ground and cry. i gotta get up and scream the entire time and claw my way out of this deep dark depressing pit so i can eventually get out. what is that saying - fake it til you make it??? well ill keep drawing myself being so so so loved by these characters, and faking it until i finally fucking MAKE IT

#vent #delete later #im not back online btw im just venting. my god. i am hurting so bad

4 notes · View notes

tac-confessions · 3 years

Text

K lemme clear some stuff up since some of you cant read, and yes im gunna be aggressive as hell in this because none of you listen

First few things, i am not suicidal, i did not say i was going to off myself, i do not know who that anon was but because of everyone saying that anon was me, that anon is not getting the help they deserve from you people so maybe instead of looking for another petty reason to justify your actions against me, think for a second how ignorant your actions are to someone who is legitimately struggling with life right now. How do you think that anon feels? To have posted that as an attempt to seek help or something or to vent, and then see everyone going “omg vlixxie did this to guilt trip deku!!1!” Yeah, please use your brains thank you

To clarify, what i said was that i have struggled with suicidal thoughts and tendancies in the past, im getting help and im getting better, but i still struggle with heavy depression, i did not intend for this to be a guit trip, i realized how aggressive i was towards deku and i attempted to explain why i got so angry at them, receiving vivid violence threats like that really can trigger memories of when i was struggling with life, it can trigger a lot of dissociation and anger and hard shit to deal with, please do not take my words out of context if your going to go off on me for that, no one likes a hypocrite

K second thing, can you FUCK OFF with the ableist autism comments what the actual fuck is wrong with you anons. Seriously? You think people are defending me because im uwu autistic cant do shit? Yeah i have autism, yeah its a disorder thats hard af to deal with, but you know what? I fucking deal with it because life doesnt go soft on you because yoy have more trouble navigating it. I know how to control myself, i know how to form words, i can function as a human being and implying that i cant and that thats the only reason people are defending me is sickening and dehumanizing. Stop minimalizing me and the autistic community as a fucking whole just because you want reasons for me to be at fault

Next point, the slurs, oh the slurs, deku used the R slur against me. Deku did not know i was autistic, i did not ever expect them to have known that as i didnt tell them so i’d appreciate it if you dropped that whole “how could deku know!!” Im not mad because deku used a specific slur against autistic people against me. Im mad because deku used a slur as an insult. As i have been informed, deku also has some kind of disorder, but thats none of my business so i wont ask. The point is, deku has a disorder so in technicality he is likely eligable to reclaim the R slur. The issue with how deku used the slur was they used it as an insult, thats not how reclaiming works, reclaiming a slur is a process used by the minority to slowly take the edge away, to take away its power, so it cant be used against them anymore. When you “reclaim” a slur by using it as an insult, your giving it more power, your using it to descriminate, your doing literally the oposite of reclaiming. So dont come at me with the “deku can use the slur” because while thats true, using a slur to belittle or insult someone takes away any rights you might have and makes you just as discriminatory as anyone else using a slur as an insult

My triggers, so as i gave mentioned in this and as i have mentioned in notes and past posts, violence indicators and threats in general are pretty triggering for me, i dont know why ya’ll started saying “how could deku know??” Because i never said i expected them to know, newsflash, i really dont. Im not open about most of my triggers because most are centered around trauma or are embarrassing to talk about, ya’ll think i wanna be out here talking about how i used to wanna off myself? Ya’ll think im enjoying that? Nah not one bit i’d rather shut my damn mouth on that but it’d just give you people yet another reason to come at me so here we are. Deku did not know those two things would especially set me off, but the fact of the matter is that deku used a slur against me, and deku threatened me. Wether those two things are triggers for me or not they’re disgusting behavior and sick. The reason i brought up the triggers was like i said earlier, to try and explain why i got so aggressive at deku in addition to the original nature of the threats and insults

I legitimately dont know what “evidence” ya’ll have against me but your claiming you got screenshots of me doing/saying something that apparently warrants you to attack me, before ya’ll start sending those screens out like u claim your gunna do, maybe you should dm me and ask for my side, instead of furthering the one sided nature of this shitshow. I do have beef with endo rn, i have had beef with endo for a while now, but i kept it all in private, i didnt say anyting, i vented to my friends a few times because it was stressful as fuck and it was eating me up inside, i gave them screenshots when they asked but i literally never took this public. So before you try to attack me for “publicly” shaming endo, maybe consider that you are literally the people who made this a public affair and literally publicly shamed *me* for nothing

You had no reason to make this public, you had no reason to attack me, you’re grasping at straws trying to find a way to justify your actions, your trying to use me as a scape goat to take the blame off you, but you know what? I own up to my actions, i apologize when necessary, i genuinely want to better myself when i fuck up. And i dont use my mental health or my disorders as a sheild, i explain them when it’s necessary to the situation so dont twist that against me because it’ll only make you more of an asshole

Finally, people arent defending me because i have autism, people arent defending me because im “helpless” people are not defending me because i cant control myself or for any reason your describing, people are defending me because someone blatantly publicly threatened me with no basis and continued to harrass me and bully me into submission. To keep saying people are defending me because i have autism is not only offensive to me as a person with autism, its offensive to the whole ass community, we can take care of ourselves, just because we’re different doesnt mean you can pick our strengths and weaknesses apart and force an identity upon us

So before you make another post trying to further pin everything on me and make more shitty comments against me to justify yourself, consider that maybe you actually fucked up

And for the record, you keep saying i fucked up and im deflecting and i got called out, no one has told me how i fucked up, no one has told me why i apparently deserve this, so how the fuck do you expect me to apologize for actions i did that you wont tell me about. I cant apologize for things i didnt know offended or hurt you, not unless you downright tell me that it hurt you, im not a mind reader, and publicly shaming me isnt going to change that

Thank you.

#TW #submission #suicide ment #trauma ment

7 notes · View notes

malfoysqueen54 · 4 years

Text

White Flag Part 3

Dean and her grew up together, trained together. Also, absolutely can’t be in the same room without a fight ensuing. When she has to come back and help out the boys and their friends. If she stays too long will all her secrets come out. She swore he would never know, circumstances and their friends and family, they might have other ideas.

Pairing- Dean x OFC

Warnings: Angst!, oh and ANGST! Triggers for Alcohol and drug abuse. Anger issues. Dean angry and yelling. (That needs a warning). Eventually smut. Sexual situations, cussing, blood, gore, the usual Supernatural warning.

Thank You @winchest09!! Always you rock and talk and beta for me. You are a Rockstar!!!

Also Thanx to @jensengirl83 she made sure I didn’t miss anything. Love ya girly!!

Sam was pacing around the room, Benny was making multiple phone calls as Dean drank. Whiskey always cured his troubles.

“Really, I mean I know you don’t care, but you could try to help,” Sam snapped at his brother. Dean’s eyes traced to his sibling who looked very worried. He glanced over at Benny, who mirrored the same expression as Sam. “I do care,” Dean huffed.

The snappy retort made his brother snort in derision, “Yeah, sure.”

That rueful smile crossed Sammy’s face. Dean withered slightly, he hadn’t worried about the horrid wench that caused nothing but headaches for him for a while. This time, he had a bad feeling; four months and she hadn’t spoken to anyone. He called to tell her off for the car she bought Jack but she never answered. She hasn’t answered his calls in years. Sam, Cass, or even Jack. Hell, anybody but him, she answered within the hour.

It irked him, but it never bothered him. At least that’s what he told himself. Yet, when Benny came back within the week, checking every home and hideaway she had and there was no answer, he grew concerned. She hadn’t taken any of her go bags, her bank accounts, even the hidden ones were untouched; something was wrong. He felt it in his bones and that feeling never boded well with them. She was in trouble.

Y/n was a special kinda bitch in his book. Nothing and no one touched her without a crazy kind of surprise, or one hell of a plan beyond monster capabilities. This was a new hurdle.

The fact that Sammy doubted him wanting to find her or know what happened made his skin crawl. They may fight, shit, they hated one another, but he still wanted her safe. He NEVER wished her gone or dead; even if that’s how she made it seem over the years. She forced herself to be a ghost to them since the Mark of Cain.

He didn’t know why or even how the crazy woman did it, but she ghosted them. She was ruthless and wickedly smart, he would give her that. Her scars ran beyond skin though, to her core, and not even Sam knew them all. Hell, maybe no one did, even Benny. The vamp had become her companion, her best friend and he was happy to have him here, on his side.

Something was definitely wrong, they just had to figure out what. Sammy even called that bullshit British Men of Letters hunter, Ketch. As psychopathic as he was, was an excellent resource.

“You heard from Ketch?” he looked at his brother. Sammy just sighed and shook his head, looking down to his phone. No answer from Ketch meant no good news, at all.

Ketch was one of the pricks torturing Y/n, that’s why. Good ol’ Chuck saw his uses and used him. Nothing would stop that ruthless tea-swilling serial killer. Well, at least she had something pretty to look at.

“Well, now are you going to tell us the whole story Ms. Y/l/n?” Ketch asked, sheathing the blade he held.

Y/n’s smirk was her answer but she retorted just the same, “No, Mr. Ketch, but if you fancy a fuck, I am just laying about,” her brow crooked for what it was worth below swollen eyes, cuts that bloodied her vision, and bruised ribs that made it hard to breath.

The Brit turned to her and smiled, “Well, that is a fetching idea. Yet, I’m not allowed to play with God’s toys.” He leaned against the desk eyeing her, “You were always a beautiful woman. A vividly talented hunter, resourceful even beyond your abundance of wealth. Yet you,” his lips smacked in shame, shaking his head, “you stopped at Dean Winchester, what is that man’s pull? Truly, I want to understand.”

“You couldn’t,” she said simply. Looking at him gave a slight shake to her head, “No, not a sociopath like you. No empathy, no morals, you feel nothing. No guilt, no remorse, you hold nothing that would make you capable of wrapping your warped little mind around why I feel like I do about Dean. Plus, he doesn’t know and wouldn’t care.” A dry smirk was thrown his way as she let her head fall back against her restraints.

He eyed her, processing her, “Him knowing how you feel or the things you have done for him, terrifies you. You! I have seen and heard of the things you have fought and done.” He shook his head, folding his hand into his lap, “Yo-you’re formidable,” he shrugged confused.

Y/n snorted, “Obviously not,” jerking her wrists that were tied down for emphasis.

“No, no. it’s something more,” he dismissed her.

“Dean, flaws and all, is something you can never understand or be. Dean can’t help that he cares so much and he hides it. He can’t shake his loyalty, it’s a huge fault. Dean does whatever he has to for whoever he loves and cares about,” she growled.

Ketch smirked in realization, “And that’s not you. He has no love or loyalty to you. That’s why you accept this.” He gestured around, “You believe Chuck is wrong. Dean won’t care about anything you have done. Dean won’t care if you’re gone.”

“That’s right. He won’t.” She knew that for a fact. “I’ll give it to you, he will be surprised, but he’ll shrug it off.”

“Hmm.” With that Ketch got up and left the room. Y/n let her head fall back with force. Good thing she put her affairs in order years ago; everything she had would go to the Winchesters and Benny. Benny deserved a break from her. Benny had stuck by her side for years, put up with her boozing, drugging, and her massive attitude issues with no explanation from her. She even left a few tricks for Rowena. She did adore that sassy redheaded witch.

Ketch entered Chucks office sneering. A roaring fire, mahogany furniture, a desk the size of Sam. God did like to overcompensate.

“How is it going?” Chuck’s voice drew his attention, taking off his glasses with that smile of his.

Pursing his lips, “The same. She isn’t easily persuaded.”

Chuck sighed pursuing his lips rising from his chair turning to face the big picture window. “It’s been months. I might have to approach this differently. She is an anomaly, I can use her. I just need to find out how.”

“Maybe, it might be prudent to find out exactly what she means to Dean. I mean she may not be the chip you think she is to him. From what I know and heard from them, Dean is not a fan.” Ketch interjected.

“Dean also will still protect her, she is like family, and the others love her. So no, I can use her. Especially with the information I have, believe me I know what I am doing.” Chuck’s eyes cut to Ketch with a sneer reclaiming his seat at his desk. “Not only that, but once he knows EVERYTHING,” God’s eyes narrowed cruelly, “It will destroy them both.”

Ketchs brow quirked. “Are you going to kill her then?

The shorter man’s head shook back and forth, and he chuckled. “ Why? She is doing that to herself already. I don’t have to help with that.”

Ketch was confused. “Then why did you actually need her if you know everything?”

Chuck was silent a moment his jaw tensed. “Cause I know what happened, but not the details. I NEED the actual details. Which is why I have you,” he growled.

“Ah, I see. Well, it must be something big, if she is this tight lipped,” the taller man retorted, grabbing a drink from the wet bar.

The twinkle in Chuck’s eye unnerved him. “Oh it is, I heard the rumors, but the brutal truth. Oh thats why she is destroying herself. Fascinating to watch how humans react to things. That is why I need the truth, every nasty detail, of it all.”

@thorne93 @pegasusdragontiger @st-eve-barnes @suz-123 @magellan-88 @my-proof-is-you @carryonmywaywardwriters @forever-trapped-in-my-dreams @winchest09 @emoryhemsworth @ formulafun @delightfullykrispypeach @janicho88 @anathewierdo @flamencodiva

#dean winchester x ofc #dean winchester fanfiction #supernatural fanfiction #white flag #dean winchester angst

16 notes · View notes

saturnsenby · 3 years

Text

Trigger warning for graphic imagery

Marionette

I still remember the fall,

From the core of the earth to the depths of your soul.

You tasted of cosmos and salt.

I remember kissing you before every shot and thinking

“This would be just perfect with lime”

You said i was like sugar and songs.

Loved the way i danced for you,

Loved the way you moved in me.

We painted murals down every street in your city with our love

How silly i was not to see that when you signed your name at the bottom of our world,

You never left room for me.

I was fine with letting you carry me until i realized that i

Was living in zero gravity.

I still remember the fall,

From the outskirts of heaven to the bottom of this hole,

How you smote me from your arms and damned me to your failed love memories,

But i guess thats sorta hypocrisy.

I still wonder when you’re really going to leave,

When i’ll feel it,

When i’ll be susceptible to gravity.

I am living here in suspension like taxidermy,

‘Cause everyone comments on how my eyes have become so glassy.

I feel the stuffing in my ribcage that used to be lungs everytime i try to breathe.

I still remember the fall,

But i dont recall,

The striking the bottom,

The feeling.

I wish when you filled me up with insulation and cum,

You had positioned my arm over my heart so i could tell you i dont think its beating.

I think it stopped when your tires started spinning,

But so long after your first incision.

You made sure to keep me bleeding for as long as my veins would nourish your vampiric tendencies.

You made sure to keep me breathing.

Did i taste more like sugar and music when you oxygenated me?

I still remember the fall,

When you slit my throat and bent me at the waist to fuck me until you were done cumming and i was done bleeding.

Did you think to yourself “finally.” As that last drop fell from my tongue to your feet.

Did you like how i never stopped moaning?

Even after i went limp,

Did you like how i never stopped feeling?

Is this what all these strings are for,

The gears now contracting my pussy,

The warmer inside my belly?

Were you just trying to preserve the useful parts of me?

I still remember the fall,

And i think it might still be happening.

How do i escape from zero gravity?

How could you put such a lovely marionette like me on a shelf so dusty and leave?

When did i become failed taxidermy?

I swear i was doing my best to function for you properly.

But i suppose that’s what little boys do with toy hearts they keep on breaking.

Lock them away from the light for safe-keeping.

So why am i feeling so lonely?

Its not like here on this display i dont have company.

I feel like even my shelf-mates dont see me.

But like myself their eyes are nothing more than painted glass beads.

I wonder why you didnt sign your name on the bottoms of my feet when you were done with me.

Maybe i simply wasn’t an art piece.

You were having trouble with detailing.

I wont wait for apologies i’m,

So fucking sick of waiting,

Of trying to breathe.

What the fuck was that sound?

I almost thought my missing heart let out a feeble beat.

Maybe you felt it better from between your teeth where you are still drinking me.

I hope i am bittersweet,

And that it taints my meat so that you stop consuming me.

You are consuming me,

Like the budding necrosis in my cheeks,

The way you didnt bother to take the time to embalm me.

Just stuffed my throat with insulation and cum,

Used that tongue to slowly eviscerate me.

I still remember the fall of my intestines through glass ceiling,

And how the hollowness in my core only deepened the needing.

How demanding of me,

Wait,

There it is again,

The bleeding,

The pulse that won’t stop trying,

Pulmonary artery that wont stop reaching.

How strong of me,

To realize that im not falling,

Im levitating.

And i never left heaven,

It became me.

I can feel it like heartbeating wings,

Angel comradery

Does it hurt to realize im no longer crying,

Im glowing,

And you can keep your useless strings,

Bastardized vaginal walls that were perfect from the beginning,

Throat that will never stop singing.

I reclaim my lungs like roadkill and taste the air once again when i breathe.

Like salt and lime,

I am perfect with just me.

Like the songs i wrote on your soul that you will never be able to stop singing.

I hope every time you do,

The melody stings.

I still remember the rise,

From the prison of your arms to the depths of me.

I remember when i stopped screaming,

When my insides finished weeping and knit themselves back into place and into angry,

As i have every right to be.

But you dont deserve the symphony of my agony.

This song is just for me.

And you had your time to sing along,

So as i take my throne in the cosmos my advice to you:

Get comfortable falling,

I wont be supplying you strings.

#poetry #prose

2 notes · View notes

shattered-catalyst · 5 years

Text

So this isnt for anything other than just to say what happened just so I feel heard and I can explain why I cant be as energetic and socially active on here. Its not a callout post or to be reblogged/shared by people. Its not to get anyone in trouble or to cause any reaction. It’s just for me to let it out and reclaim this space again. Its been a year since it happened and I guess I’m just still noticing how badly it has impacted my PTSD. How much its changed me as a person both online and off, and this isnt a woe as me thing either this is just me feeling a need to be heard and explain my own behavior over the year and also to make one simple request of you guys: no matter what you do, always treat your rp partners as people first and writers second.

Because I feel myself becoming bitter and that isnt who I am and I dont want to be someone like that. Or like this. I want to be me again

The person who did this wont be named mainly because they dont deserve it and yall dont need to know. Their behavior when I confronted them more than cements the impression that they dont see any harm in what they said and how they reacted. And again this isnt about them though In A Way I suppose it is? it takes two to tango but it takes one to encourage someone to kill themselves.

This is going to be long because I need to inform on the activity that lead up to this because it didnt just happen over night- though in a way it did. But you need a better picture of this person because apparently they present a really great face that only a few of us see the manipulative and toxic side of.

This person was always very judgemental and hyper critical. I witnessed a lot of very negative and toxic behavior from them but I was naive and just hoped they would mature as they grew older and gained more independence. I thought it was just a toxic friend group and that perhaps she would recognize her self destructive and immature behavior and grow from it.

My first red flag should have been when they accused me of being their ex girlfriend SOLELY because I was living in PA. I hate to break it to yall, but PA is a big ass state and has a lot of comic book loving ladies. Thankfully I have never met this person IRL and I hope I never do.

They tried to pull me into making fun of other muns on discord, including mocking sensitive pictures from a mun’s personal blog. I blatantly said it wasnt okay and made me uncomfortable and she continued laughing and making jokes about it with her friend group on discord. She kept trying to pull me into it no matter how often I tried to change the subject.

Her group of friends also did this thing where one of them would go interact with a mun an they would take screenshots of the convo and share it with the group and mock the mun they were interacting with. Whether it be their presentation of character/grahics/writing style/ etc.

The other red flags I ignored? How much she complained and mocked other muns and compared them to me; if anyone did anything or said anything she disagreed with it was an instant blow up. She took EVERYTHING personally including other people writing the same characters she did, having differing headcanons, not knowng obscure details about canon, etc.

She once tried to make fun of a new writing partner I had who was writing the same character, and I had to break it to her that this new person could write in her first language if she wanted to; im being very vague but let me just say if you and your character have the same first language and you want to write in it then its completely WRONG for a white mun to try and make fun of you for it.

She once suggested I had stolen pictures off her pinterest when she sent me a moodboard request for my character. Jokes on her I didnt even know she HAD a pinterest and I had gotten all my pictures from the ‘green aesthetic’ tag on tumblr. Which I told her but she kept pushing the idea on me I had stolen them. I of course dismissed this and put it on the back burner despite the alarm bells going off.

This hyper critical and paranoid behavior continues with everything from other canon blogs making similar head canons/ vaguely similar graphics/ to fanfiction authors having similar head canons/plot ideas.

My penname Citrus? I didnt want one. I didnt want it. She demanded I have a pen name and if not she was going to call me Cat. Now as yall know I dont like being enmeshed with my muse so I keep myself separate from them. I didnt like being called Cat and I told her that explicitly. She kept doing it. So I had to make a pen name because she refused to respect my boundaries.

When the Deadpool movie came out she DEMANDED I change my FC to reflect the movie Despite Not Changing Hers to reflect her own characters new look - which might i add is fat erasure. It was clear then that the rules and standards she held other people to didnt apply to herself. I was labeled problematic for not giving into her demands to change FCs (which I have a literal logical reason for not changing and im not explaining that here)

So I shouldve left. Long story short I didnt because every friendship I’d been in until around this time had been abusive and toxic. I thought this was all normal behavior for people to have and I was convinced I was just being critical of someone elses opinions/ insensitive etc. Thanks to my colleagues in graduate school and to several of you on here I learned that ‘hey dumbass friends dont treat your ass like this’.

Im leaving a lot out about the shit she did/said to me but those snippets give you an idea of things.

Leading up she decided to leave fandom and asked we didnt talk about marvel I said cool okay and didnt talk about marvel with her. If I did I would ask first if she was okay if we talked about one small aspect I thought might excite her/ she would like to know about but it wasnt often that happened because she began ghosting me. Hard. She stopped replying to me at all over discord when I would try and talk to her how we used to about our lives. She didnt answer any asks for munday or character development, in fact she blatantly ignored me.

I checked in a couple times with her to make sure I hadnt done anything to make her uncomfortable and she said no. May I emphasize she said no here. Im emphasizing it right now. She said no. She said everything was fine. So when I was like hey dude this is super triggering for me can you send me like a hi every once in awhile just so I can know we’re okay because its super triggering for me. Yall know what she did? She ‘lmao’-ed. she thought that was hecka funny. Yeah triggering ‘Citrus’ is hilarious isnt it? No it isnt and I shouldve cut her ass off right then and there.

Heres where shit gets confusing: she kept fucking talking about marvel to me. Id get messages at random times about marvel and then silence for weeks. I vividly remember during this period I was cleaning the museum vault and she kept messaging me about her marvel fc’s and how she wouldnt get a plotline and how characters were wrong etc.

I remember being REALLY confused because she had said NO MARVEL. But here she was bitching at me about marvel. In fact thats all she did when she did talk to me. Which was only like three or four times during the ghosting time period. She’d bitch about marvel and then vanish.

Shed make claims about not watching her dash and thats why she never responded to me/ interacted with me. She’d say she wasnt talkng to anyone while I see her on the dash TALKING TO PEOPLE and Id like to point out Ive told her I would be fine ending anything as long as she let me know.

but she followed me on every blog and throughout this time period she made and followed me on numerous ones. She kept reaching out sporadically to bitch about her fcs/how horrible marvel was/ and thats it.

It was extremely confusing because if someone doesnt want to talk to me I assume they will; 1. unfollow 2. block 3. say goodbye 4. ghost and stay ghosted.

Not cycle through behavior rapidly. I asked her a few times if we were good and that I was confused and I got another ‘lmao’ reaction so I assumed we were good. At this point I still have no idea what was going on/ what message I was supposed to be receiving other than confusion.

So following this is heavily suicide tw and I encourage you not to read this part and to scroll down until the suicide tw is over which is highlighted in bold- if you’re triggered by that because I care about those who follow my blog.

So thats when this shit happened. I had tried reaching out to her on a different fandom platform to try and maintain the friendship. Because she said numerous times that we were friends. So like I reached out thinking maybe she just didnt want a marvel blog period. It wasnt too long after that that she suicide baited me.

I was in a really bad place and had been for awhile and when I posted about how the only thing holding me on was the new comic coming out and specifically said “im seriously suicidal and this comic is the only thing giving me hope #idk what to do anymore ”. I was surprised when she liked the post.

I was three steps into a four step plan. I had everything but the method planned out and was just waffling along with that. Because yknow its complicated and you do it you make it count amiright. Right. I was in a fucked up place. I had just realized I was gay, I was horrendously depressed, I was in considerable physical pain, I was working 70 hours a week, my OCD was at an all time high and the only thing that kept me on this earth was a fucking comic book. You hold onto what you need to yknow?

WELL APPARENTLY NOT

Because this person who doesnt read her dash? This person who doesnt want to talk about anything? Liked that post where I specifically stated I was suicidal and sent me a discord message saying “dont have hope”.

Thats all it said “dont have hope”

Now I know what youre thinking but hold on because it gets worse.

I said something about being confused I dont really remember because I was pretty out of it. I do remember she kept going on about how horrible the comic would be and that it would be a piece of trash. I remember telling her I was really numb and in a bad place and couldnt feel anything. I remember her sending me screencaps and continuing to go ON AND ON about how it wasn’t worth reading.

I remember with gross intensity how someone who said they were my friend was taking away the only thing that was keeping me alive.

I dont remember how the conversation ends. I called out of work for the next three days. I was catatonically depressed and unable to really move. I didnt eat either. I went to internship, work, and school in a state of dissociation.

I took screencaps of everything and set them aside for later. IDK what I was going to use them for but I set them in a folder on my desktop, looking back I regret what I did next; because I deleted them. I deleted them because I thought maybe she had been manic or drunk and hadn’t realized the scope of what was happening. I wanted to talk to her about it and clear things up because I believed in her. I believed there was no way she would be so callous as to do that on purpose. No way would someone try and get someone they called a friend to kill themselves. So I deleted the screencaps and my post on tumblr. I deleted all evidence to protect her and I encourage you all never to fucking do that even if you think that person misunderstood the gravity of your situation. Because if you’re wrong no ones going to believe you.

I remember shifting between intense depression and total denial.

I spent the rest of that month in and out of intense dissociative states when I wasnt in class or working with my clients. During the middle of October my sister sent me pictures of a litter of puppies and I was like ‘well, i really need to either kill myself or make sure i dont’. I spent a few days continuing to waffle with that decision but then i remembered my mom cosigned my loans and I cant leave her with that debt because fuck we cant even afford my funeral to begin with. So I adopted a dog, I named him Julio to remind me to keep living and he finally came to me on halloween.

He was the only reason I left bed on my days off. I tried not to think about it but I did.

I continued to spiral with heavier dissociative episodes and vivid nightmares about it.

SUICIDE TW OVER

I waited until Christmas to ask her to clarify the situation and let her know I no longer felt comfortable writing with her. I reminded her what happened and told her to check her discord if she wanted to see for herself etc.

She sent two long asks of combative, emotionally abusive, and gaslighting accusations. The first thing she did was say I needed to provide evidence if I went around making accusations like that. Then she cascaded into how I always talked about marvel *points up to where i explained what happened earlier*. She tried gaslighting me like a champion and tried turning me into a horrible person the only problem is everything she was accusing me of doing was the shit she was doing to me. Everything.

Even if I was bad at any time I had given her numerous chances to tell me I was overstepping a boundary- she always said no. I gave her numerous times to unfollow me if she wasnt interested in interacting with me- she never did. In fact I had unfollowed her that month because of her behavior towards me and she hadnt even noticed.

I let her know I could tell she was angry, and that I didnt take receipts of private conversations because I believed in settling things like adults, and that if she ever wanted any proof it was all in her discord anyway. I let her know she could contact me to apologize but otherwise I didnt want her on any of my blogs and I told her the first thing she should have done wasnt demand receipts but she should have asked if I was okay. Its a real reflection of where her priorities were when she demands evidence rather than checks to see if a writing partner is okay.

Even if I did something horrible it doesnt warrant someone trying to get me to end my life.

I was notified she put a post on her blog apologizing to her followers for being a bad friend and that she was a horrible person and ofc everyone was like ‘noooo youre perfect’ and its like ya thats not for me who hasnt followed her in months- thats to save face.

Her friends blogs kept visiting my profile and going through the month where this happened.

Everything she did and said was to save face. Her blog and her reputation are the only thing she cared about. She has never approached me to apologize or anything of the sort and I doubt she ever will. I would hope she would never do this again and I hope she has grown as a person since. That her life is better and her mother is okay, that shes happy and learning.

I know by posting this I will never receive an apology- then again i never expected one to begin with. I could go through all the trouble of restoring the deleted files but to be honest it isnt worth it because theres no room in my life for that type of toxicity.

Since this happened I:

I have stronger episodes of depression and dissociation since.

My PTSD has increased and I have week long spikes in anxiety attacks, depression and decreased self worth if I even see her around the rpc despite being blocked, blacklisted on xkit etc.

Have more difficulty completing basic self care tasks due to an increase in depression and a decrease in self worth.

I have nightmares about this event and her to this day a year later.

I cannot interact with the RPC how I once did as I fear seeing her on my dash or any sort of information getting back to her about me.

It took me half a year to see the character she wrote as as safe again and for awhile I couldnt even look at him without experiencing an anxiety attack.

I keep having nightmares. Its been a year and I still have nightmares about this.

I find myself having more difficulties connecting with people online especially on this blog. I’m constantly on edge when interacting with people and I feel spikes of anxiety at the merest thought of someone talking about me to her.

I find myself unable to have confidence as a writer or creator online because I have been reminder of the cement wall between oc characters and their canon counterparts.

I cannot go out and just follow anyone and be friendly and trusting with them anymore, even with people I already know. In the back of my mind is a constant reminder of how she and her friends used to check up on people and pretend to write with them/ interact with them just to take screenshots of conversations to share with the group. I have become a paranoid little bitch in the past year is what Im saying. like theres 0 need for that shit.

I blocked most of the people she interacted with simply to save myself from being triggered by her blogs/ mentions of her and that isnt fair to those people.

I remember the photo incident and how people derived such joy from mocking someones body. I can think of so many incidents of them making fun of others and I remember how that could be happening about me rn, and I wonder if anyone would stick up for me like I did for the other mun.

I hope by posting this I can try and return to the person I was before this happened. I can try and not be so bitter and reach out again to others. That somehow I can continue working on making tumblr a safe place for me again and not a PTSD laced minefield.

I would like to remind this isnt a callout and I request if you know who this is about you dont say anything to them. This isnt for them. They have NEVER reached out to apologize for their actions. They have NEVER checked to see if I was okay after that. They have NEVER shown any remorse for encouraging me to kill myself and while I hope they’ve grown from the situation and will never do it again I doubt I will ever get closure from such an event. But i DO hope by writing this I can take this place back.

Consider this my first step towards bringing this up to a therapist.

Consider this another step to me taking this blog back and feeling safer here; and maybe just maybe Ill make up a cool pen name for myself and own that shit.

If you’ve read this far thank you for your patience with me, and I request you always treat your writing partners like the people that they are.

This post is not intended or written to leave this blog and therefore I request you not reblog it or share segments of it with ANYONE. If I find you have shared anything on here without my explicit permission I will block you.

‘Citrus’

#suicide tw #gaslighting tw #emotional abuse tw

6 notes · View notes