#just. god. makes me mad. makes me upset.

[kkujo]

something i don't see people talking about is the way hyperfixations come in like stages and cycles like it's not just "i'm obsessed with this thing" it's like. euphoria from finding something new and it brings you so much joy and then as that initial dopamine rush wears off you start to get more and more down and feel isolated as you start to realise that no one else cares about it as much as you do and you feel silly for being so into it and the thoughts become repetitive and boring so you get more and more depressed and lonely and then you inevitably lose the hyperfix which leaves you drifting feeling miserable and hopeless until you start the cycle again. idk if i explained this well or if other people will understand but it brings genuine phases of euphoria and straight up depression and this is why i get annoyed when neurotypicals use words like hyperfixation to describe like, an interest. bc it's not. just an interest it becomes who you are and when you lose it it's like losing yourself and you spend so much energy thinking about it that it interrupts your daily life and it's so fucking draining 👍

#like if i see one more nt being like hyperfixation this hyperfixation that SHUT UP!! YOU HAVE AN INTEREST #talk to me when you stay up until 6am every night bc you can't fucking sleep bc ur thinking about it. #talk to me when you can't process emotions in a normal healthy way because you can only relate it back to your hyperfix #paired w madd especially it's IMPOSSIBLE to be normal about shit i swear 2 god because the second i'm upset or lonely it's straight back to #immersing myself in another world and being someone else and not facing my emotions instead letting 'someone else' deal with them #not just negative emotions yk it's anything it's fully immersive to the point i end up not knowing exactly who i am myself bc i'm rarely #myself in my head yk #and it's so isolating #and this is why i get mad when people use these terms lightly bc they don't fucking get it #oh you're hyperfixated? oh you're delusional? you're delulu? watch this #< guy who has delusions that all of his friends secretly hate him bc he's too insane abt xyz media and who feels alone bc no one else is as #into it even though it wouldn't be reasonable to expect them to be #like i'm constantly questioning whether all my friends are secretly against me & finding me annoying anytime i talk about it but it's fine #it's so fucking isolating #i'm not losing my hyperfix yet thank god but i am in the stage of like realisation where the initial euphoria has worn off and i'm like #fuck no one else gets it. no one else is thinking about it like i am. and it's so lonely #< like not to sound like 'i'm 14 and no one gets me' or i'm not like other girls or whatever 😭 #it's not me being dramatic i genuinely. know that no one else is spending every waking moment thinking about the things i am the way i do #and it's so incredibly depressing i can't even explain it in a way that will make sense #because i want to talk about it so fucking bad and i can't. even to my friends and gf who always listen i end up feeling annoying #and then i get genuinely delusional not like tiktok girl voice delulu like i genuinely start questioning my entire reality #just if i talk about something a little too much #bc i'm convinced i'm fucking annoying and no one gets it and they're thinking bad things about me #but i know they wouldn't. but it feels like they are #idk #anyways !

[mattodore]

reading through these answers on theo's questionnaire and shaking my head and getting pissed off. like hello??

"I don’t think Theo outwardly shows any romantic tendencies, but inwardly… in that soft, guarded place inside of him… I think he makes himself sick yearning for love and romance. He doesn’t let on to those feelings of his at all. In fact, I think Theo probably shrinks away from mentions of romance, insisting he doesn’t need it… but really, it’s something he imagines all the time. What must it be like, to have that for yourself? Does it hurt? How bad is it? Is it painless? Does it fill you up? Does it ever feel like enough? Thoughts like those."

someone should have put tumblr user mattodore's head on a stick for that one like i'm so serious

#river dipping #questionnaire lb #DOES IT HURT . HOW BAD IS IT . IS IT PAINLESS .................. #OOOOOOOOOOOOO H I'M SO MAD . #I'M SO MAD AND SO SO SO UPSET #DOES IT HURT........................................................ DOES IT /HURT/ #DOES LOVE HURT #WHEN IT'S ALL YOU KNOW HOW DO YOU EVEN CONCEPTUALIZE IT BEING ANYTHING BUT PAINFUL.... GRHGGG #I WANT TO DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE #god. #the way my head spins reading through his 100 questions......... it's like i'm being yanked to the ground from this knot in my stomach #and then it all just starts unraveling #immediate tears yk #liveblogging my own writing abt theo bc if i had to sit with these thoughts quietly i think i would actually go insane . #it's fr just me and my favorite oc against the world........... #do NOT make ocs you will get so attached to them that you'll want to kick your own ass about it

[mwagneto]

hope anyone treating the stranger things concentration camp as a fandom thing dies irl btw. goes double for the people who got fucking serial number tattoos????? are you all genuinely braindead?

#it's already bad enough that they used it as a plot at all but how are people this fking stupid i 💀 #the number tattoo thing . the official account reposting it is making me sick fr #ohhhhmy fking god. what the hell is wrong with you? like actually? #it all makes me so mad and upset I've circled back around to just feeling nothing. i hate americans so much #also ppl defending it with ''well we're not taught about history in america''. no babe you're just an idiot #like even if that were true how are people NOT AWARE OF . MASS GENOCIDE #like if nothing else how are you gonna be ignorant of what the things you're tattooing on your body mean. #no excuse for any of it idc #anti stranger things #barking #we neeeeed to end the west for real i cant take it #like in general.

[lovelaceisntdead]

Dad mad because I didn't make dinner yay now I will dissociate forever

#which I'm sure will not make him more mad. #sorry i didn't know you were coming home late so i had not budgeted energy for cooking #i know it's really inconvenient for you thst my illness effects me I'm really sorry about that. #felt good enough to do a bit of work today but because that's just for me it doesn't count #and now i won't be able to do anything for the rest of the evening :) and he will be passive aggressive with me or just not talk to me :) #i hate that he has this power over me to make me feel so small #I've done so much work in therapy this year with how he makes me feel but what's the fucking point if he still behaves like a child #i constantly feel like I'm walking on egg shells around him #and god forbid anything he ever does upsets me that couldn't be possible. #already having a difficult time today but that's just making excuses according to him #had a migrain scare earlier which really threw me off but i managed to get past it and try and do some work #which made me feel a lot better and more in control ahd then he just fucking shatters it #i don't care if this sounds silly to you reading this I'm really dissociating and I'm trying to process what I'm feeling #so i don't completely shut down because that will make everything worse

[caffeinatedopossum]

This is random but friendly reminder to not be mean to people who don't like Christmas or want to avoid everything to do with it- it's really not something you need to take personally. I guarantee 90% of the time it's someone with ptsd and Christmas can be extremely triggering

#also its me im the one with ptsd lol. but also pretty much all of my favorite people too #plus there are just so so many things about Christmas that are just generally upsetting and i dont understand why people #arent more mad about it?? like for one capitalist hellscape obviously #but beyond that theres also the things like the lights. which have the possibility to either be very pleasant #or STRAIGHT UP banish certain disabled people. because god forbid we enjoy everything #anyway just so you know everytime i see those awful seizure inducing migraine giving pain in the optic nerve flashing bright lights #i think to myself 'this is why we cant have nice things' #anyway make Christmas accessible i guess because ptsd is a disability too at least it can be and in my case it is

[newts-and-sharks]

I FOUND A NEWT!!!!

#HES SO CUTE #BUT THEN MY SISTER KICKED IT JUST TO MAKE ME UPSET #NOT MUCH BUT OH MY GOD IT MADE ME MAD #I WOULD HAVE CURSED AT HER IF THERE WASNT A CHILD NEAR #I HATE WHEN SHE HURTS TINY ANIMALS JUST TO SPITE ME #UGH #BUT LOOOOOOOK #HES MY SON #I WOULDVE PICKED HIM UP AND MOVED HIM BUT MY MOM SAID ID GET SALMONELLA #BUT I WOULDVE WASHED MY HANDS SO IDK WHAT THE PROBLEM IS

[areyouwho-ithinkyouare]

me internally when i’m trying to respect and recognise that my dad has unaddressed autism that impacts the way he handles social interractions while also trying to not just excuse the shitty insensitive behaviour that has absolutely contributed to my mental health issues

#it’s like. haha yeah he handled that situation terribly but remember it wasn’t intentional and he doesn’t understand how that came across!! #i can’t be mad at him i can’t take it personally and get upset haha. hahaha. #and also it’s like. being autistic isn’t an excuse to be a dick. being autistic doesn’t mean you have to like. emotionally damage ur kid ✌🏻 #which i AM. growing up with him has fucked me up!!! and i’m allowed to be mad at that i’m allowed to be upset!!!!!!!! #but also oh god is that shitty of ME??? is that insensitive???? do i need to just be more empathetic and understanding #but ALSO also. when ur a kid that shit doesn’t matter. when ur a kid and ur dad is making you cry that doesn’t matter. #and those years of damage stick with you even when ur older and trying to be mature and understanding #literally this evening started with me trying to do something nice for him. trying to give him a gift. actually literally giving him a gift. #and it has ended with me feeling fucking….. shit. #and disrespected. and useless. #i try so fucking hard with this man and with our relationship and every fucking time i try to connect with him he throws it back in my face #like. hey! you’ve been saying how much you want to play gran turismo 7!!! i will loan you my PS5 for a while bcus i’m not playing anything #and i will BUY YOU the fucking car game for you to play it while me and my mum are away on our girlie beach holiday #like i will happily and enthusiastically do those things for you because you have been so vocal about wanting to play this game!!! #so it will make you happy right? it will be something positive for you to enjoy!!! right?!!!???? #i will bring my console down to the family tv room for you and i will send you the money so you can buy the game!!!! #oh. oh you’ve clicked around the main playstation menu for 2mins and then turned it off to watch the news. and then just open ur laptop. #not even gonna buy the game huh. just gonna open ur laptop and zone out and act line i’m not even in the room. oh ok. ok ok. #not even a fucking thank you. not even a HINT of recognition. ok ok. ok. ok. now you’re literally ignoring me when i talk to you. ok. ok. #and like!!!! i know this seems so dumb and minor and insignificant but you have to understand. it has been 25 years of this shit. #25 years of me trying to make this man happy and 25 years of him rejecting all of those attempts. #and 25 years of……. a lot of other shit also.

[somewhat-very-insane]

You need professional help holy cow there's a lot of stuff wrong in your head.

anon. sweetie. anon, yeah, i know. i am in fact, fully aware of that; why do you think i go to therapy three times a week?

#confused as to whether this was supposed to upset me #or make me mad #or something? #because like that is just Objectively Correct? #like. okay #anon ask #//deity's wisdom #//god's words

[todayisafridaynight]

I mean realistically 7 didn't really have that many loose ends either but they managed to make 8 without any issues and the story still made sense as to how it was connected to 7 so like if they do make a like a dragon 9 they will probably do it for a reason and also rgg has some other shit to announce this year somehow (its probably not yakuza related) but there is still that

seven didn't have 'loose ends' in the traditional sense but it (and gaiden) definitely had a lot of interesting pieces left over. though with how those pieces were used in 8 it's not really possible to expand upon those anymore (i.e. akane, the tojo dissolution, bleach japan or the bastardization of it anyway, ebina's mother if we HAVE to include him in the discussion)

there's still the daidoji but idk what rgg's gonna do with them, but if nishitani iii and shishido still kicking is anything, maybe they'll get dragged out of the trenches <- doubt lowkey

#iw spoilers #spoilers #snap chats #iw's story makes me upset because for seven chapters it was really interesting and good and then it just. got messy #im still pissed about daigo's security company tho but that warrants a post of its own at some point #god my beef with 8 tho is that so much shit happens off screen #sawashiro losing his eye / daigo's company going under / KUME #I WANTED TO SEE THAT WORM SUFFER THIS IS NOT FAIR #just.... ugh. WHATEVEr im not getting into it now #im not mad at IW it just promised a lot and delivered on like half of it #game's still fun tho

[meteorherd]

just saw someone say the animation in rgu was bad and like. once again i am begging people to learn the difference between art style and animation 😭

#வார்த்தைகள் #like this is easily one of my most inconsequential things i get upset about but GOD it makes me mad LMAO #same feeling i get when people look at something rendered super realistically and say that that means the ANIMATION is good #also this isnt like me even saying the art style in rgu is objectively ugly i just like understand it is not everyones thing LOL #BUT THE ANIMATION ITSELF GIRL HAVE YOU SEEN THE DUEL SEQUENCES...

[bibiana112]

And for bad oversharing medical news the arrhythmia from december never went away but I thought maybe the throat infection was still there right so that could be a reason but then I went to a specialist and not only is it practically cured (just lingering a bit) but my lungs sound fine as well! which means! the shortness of breath is probably something wrong with the oxygen in the bloodstream and the slight chest tightness is also extremely worrying I could only make an appointment to get it checked next friday and that sounds like way too long

#I know it's morbid but the only thing I can think about is how fucking mad I am at my parents and how I wish I had someone else to take care #of my things and burial if I were to die #they don't know me #they would do everything against my wishes because they never cared to listen #and Especially I am mad at my dad cause when this started he was around and I was really scared and upset and nearly crying and I told him #that I was considering going to the hospital right there and then and then he didn't. fucking say anything or ask if I was okay #they'll never listen anything just registers as crazy fucking kid having a tantrum again let's give her space leave her out of sight #And I had to Yell at him to stop telling me not to go to the hospital the next day and I mean Yell and he still said they'd deny it #that I was making it up if I had just been on my fucking own I wouldn't have double guessed myself on it and gone to the wrong specialist #and wasted time and gotten to the point where it's not like debilitating pain but constantly aware that it's there and I can only like eat #heart healthy shit that I don't even like and wait and god I am so upset at them why so I have to be alone and yet still be so tied to them #why pretend to care when I've said time and time again they're still hurting me like nearly everytime we see each other #Okay nevermind I actually Need to distract myself now usually confronting feelings is my favorite #but my body is telling me that if I want to cry I have to deal with it physically feeling like there's a hole between my ribs so #I'll hold off on it #I'll be fine #god going to sleep has been the absolute worse #delete later

[pepprs]

lmaooooo i think i need to quit teaching forever and also bury myself in a hole. lol

#purrs #grading papers on a sunday and the WAYYYYY this one students paper just hurt my feelings so fucking bad. i mean it’s not just hers but like. #god. it’s the most childish thing in the world (which makes sense / is the literal problem. that i am a child.) but im coteaching this class #(WHICH I TOOK and my co-instructors were MY instructors and now im replacing one of them who’s also the one who left in july lol 😍😍😍😍😍😍) and #ive had WICKED impostor syndrome bc… not to air it all out but im airing it all out bc im so mad lol. they’re both older men with phds and w #wives and families and im a 24 year old in the first year of her career with a bachelors degree who stilllives at home w her parents and #also the two of them and the third instructor literaly developed this class together and again i TOOK IT as a student in their class 2 years #ago. so again… WICKED impostor syndrome. and the class is all abt figuring out how to thrive in different contexts that are constrained by s #social norms so it’s relevant to talk abt impostor syndrome and i have talked about it. and also i get substantial parts to lead in the #classes and whatever and take attendance and grade papers and send out emails to the whole class etc etc. so WHY are the other two #instructors getting shoutouts in the papers and i am getting… NOTHING!!!! naught a SINGLE mention. when i am literally fucking LIVING #THROUGH the things we’re taking abt in class abt the first year of ur career and impostor syndrome and shit……. oh iknow why! because they #don’t actually see me as an instructor because im short and a nothing girl and an IMPOSTOR!!!!! LOLLLLL 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰 and the book chapter was the #same too lol like im the only co-author who doesn’t actually get individually named as making a contribution in the text of it and nobody #noticed but me because it’s a stupid thing to notice but i still noticed. awesome. i love being invisible and not actually mattering ♥️ < #<- has the mental illness that makes you utterly unable to see evidence of how you actually do matter and only hyperfocus on the evidence th #that you don’t <- but also is trapped in the psychijc prison of some parts of her environment telling her she does matter and other parts t #telling her she doesn’t so can you blame her for going CRAZY!!!!!!!!! like is this literally not the normal well adjusted reaction to have #to GENUINELY LEGITIMATELY JUSTIFIABLY upsetting thigns. when the circumstances are fucked up and deleterious 😍😍😍😍😍😍 #delete later #oh also im apparently not even an official instructor in Da System (which is a problem and it is not supposed to be that way) so i won’t #even get to read abt how the students fucking forgot about me and think im a nothing girl because they won’t even have a chance to give me #that feedback!!! lol. i think * and * should just do everything together because they are both qualified to do it. and i should spin off #into the abyss and quit my job and never be heard from again. that’s how this shit makes me feel. like ik it’s just a couple of students and #their opinions literally don’t matter but im like hm how about i go fuck off then since clearly i don’t make a difference to you. lole <3 #* i won’t get that feedback etc etc bc i am not going to get course evals because im not in Da System. lol ♥️

[erasurecloud]

Me: makes it clear I love Enji, tries to explain my interpretation of his character to friends, how he’s a huge comfort character for me, doesn’t bring him up very often bc they don’t like him and I don’t want to just talk about things they don’t like.

My friends, basically daily to me: lol Enji abusive & ugly

#im really mad about it #and sick of it #one of them in particular just constantly shits on him and I’m so tired of listening to it #like #I don’t bash their favorites? #not in the same way at least #it’s definitely not to the same intensity they do #idk maybe it shouldn’t but it upsets me #just let me love him in peace #Enji Todoroki #anyway I mention the comfort character thing bc the minute she mentioned someone I had been making fun of was her comfort character #I stopped doing it #but god forbid I get the same courtesy #maybe I should bash that character again #if she keeps hating too

[concerto-roblox]

i spend a bit of time on twitter for fandom stuff bc there are some really talented artists and writers but oh my god i have to limit my time on that app so much compared to tumblr bc one tiny thing will happen and suddenly there'll be the most despair-inducing discourse ever and i genuinely want to die

#honestly twitter definitely wants people to get angry bc angry people tweet more #this is mostly abt sttwt but ig it applies to other fandoms too #like one person will say one thing and suddenly everyone sees it on their timeline and everyone and their mother is talking about it #when it really isn't that deep #and also some people are just so rude?? like the ship wars are awful and people just make stuff up and say the most horrible shit #and it's so easy to find hate accounts like i'm not opposed to being a hater of things occasionally #but today i found an account called smth like 'why people hate st*ddies' (not censored) #and it was literally just someone screenshotting all the petty drama from one niche subset of the fandom #like i just don't understand how people can have fun on twitter if they use it like intended?? #i have to turn on notifs for people i like and use the notifs as a dashboard bc the timeline will randomly show you the most rancid shit #plus i feel like twitter is actively trying to make it hard to see anything older than a day #i hate the way it's all about new new new and content content content oh my god shut up shut up shut up- #obv tumblr can have awful people too but i feel like it's so much easier to avoid stuff like that if you curate ur own experience #like on tumblr i can just block someone bc i don't wanna see their posts but on twitter blocking someone is a personal attack #and someone will write a thread about how you're a toxic bitch making the fandom worse and you hated them bc they drew b*lly h*rgrove once #and that means you're against discussing harmful topics in media and are pro censorship or smth idk #girl maybe i just don't like him and don't wanna see fanart of him ugh #i feel like maybe i'm really sensitive bc seeing people argue abt things really upsets me?? but idk i thought that was universal #but apparently people love being mad?? #anyways uh. steve/eddie nation 4 eva yass #how to be cringe 101 #i feel like i need a tag for my beef with twitter uuh #twitter hate #there

[hobisexually]

x

#i! feel! so! disconnected! from everything and everyone #and it’s so god damn annoying #I either feel nothing at all or everything at once and I can’t balance it #but if I take the time to sit with the things I’m scared of I’ll just keel over I don’t have time for it #Im just on autopilot moving ahead #because I have to! if I don’t my fear will win from me and that will Not be pretty #and that’s what I’m so upset about like I didn’t get something I really wanted #and it’s fully because of anxiety but the alternative is WORSE #and the people involved don’t KNOW I have anxiety but I can’t tell them either because it will make them look at me differently and I can’t #afford them to. I can’t let that happen and I think this is the first time I’m realising how much it holds me back even after uni #and I’m so angry over it dndndnd so so so angry and if they KNEW how much I had gone through no one would ever doubt my ability to — #bounce back and take charge of a situation ever again. they’d know I can do that. But it’s too private to share so now it’s up to me to #BELIEVE it and just show them but it takes so much out of me every time #and if it weren’t for the pandemic I would’ve been much further along and if it weren’t for my fucking burnout I’d have been further along #and it weren’t for my Fucking dad I’d be further along. I’m just so mad #so mad that I have to undo and tackle so much when people just sail through things but for me EVERYTHING takes effort #also I have not seen or spoken to my dad since December and I have a wedding he’s attending and I can’t get out of it #and I constantly pingpong between ‘its for the best I broke off contact I needed the space to heal’ and ‘I am a horrible person for taking #his only daughter away from him instead of talking’ #but I’ve TRIED the talking and he just never LISTENS????? and made me feel so unsafe in this world at all times #I’m constantly trying to undo all that and it’s exhausting and no one gets how much effort that takes and I can’t tell them either #like. not gonna unload my trauma on people but if they KNEW they’d get why I don’t always react optimally to things the way they do #aaarffggHhhhHHHhHhhh #also I’m not even enjoying festa I’m not tuned in at ALL and that’s also deeply upsetting but there’s no other way atm #Also. did a thing in PFPT today that. I feel complicated things and I’m just upset about the way my life’s been until now #its making me feel worse than I was expecting #oh AND I was on a trip with friends I’ve had for 16+ years and they all were so happy to be together #felt so connected with each other and it was familiar and safe and lovely they said #meanwhile I cried at 3am in the bathroom because I had never felt more alienated from them ever #I know who /I/ am and what I want and don’t want but the dissonance with the rest of the world….. what the fuck man. What is my place even

[dreamcast-official]

ugh.

#eli.txt #I KEEP FORGETTING MY EX HAS A PARTNER AND I GET SO MISERABLE ABT IT EVERYTIME I AM REMINDED. #idk. goes back to how disposable i probably am. in general. but to them especially #bc damn losing me meant absolutely nothing huh. nothing in your life changed other than not having to deal with me anymore. #nothing changed and yet me being gone made it all better huh. #idk what i expected but idk ive always been kinda disposable to most ppl i just. idk i hoped a relationship wouldve been different #like. damn! leaving me changed nothing! it just made your life better! i can fucking tell! #things always turn out this way is the thing lol everytime someone gets rid of me its like their life immediately gets better #AGFHGHGH this sucks i kinda wanna be mad at them but im NOT #IM MAD AT MYSELF FOR NOT BEING MAD AT THEM WHICH IS FUCKING STUPID BUT LIKE. GOD THEY NEVER DID ANYTHING TO HARM ME #AND THAT MAKES IT SO HARD FOR ME TO FEEL NEGATIVELY TOWARDS THEM #EVEN THOUGH IM REALLY HURT BC THEYRE NOT. DOING ANYTHING. TOWARDS ME. IM HURT BC IM A FUCKING BABY THAT CANT GET OVER ANYTHING EVER #this sucks so much i fucking hate it here do you know how upsetting this is. they didnt even fucking DO anything which makes it WORSE #bc WHY am i upset they didnt even DO anything #im just like a fucking infant is what i am