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sexiestpodcastcharacter · 6 months

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Sexiest Podcast Character — Unscripted Bracket — Round 4

Propaganda

Gable (Campaign: Skyjacks):

7ft tall silver-haired thembo of a fallen angel. was the literal sword of god until they killed him! reasons slightly unclear but probably sure to forbidden queer love! super caring for their friends. has one friend they have known for hundreds of years who they HATE but are bound to by the red string of fate. their sword is a part of them, they can sheathe it into a tattoo. they start out indistinct at the edges but as they have continued on through the campaign they have become more and more distinct. they became a flaming engine of justice to kill their friends shitheaded older brother who was following him. they have learned enough necromancy to allow other fallen angels to die, even though they typically cannot. they fly giant birds in to battle.

7ft tall beefcake wielding a sword as tall as they are. vengeful sweetheart

Imagine now: a fallen angel with beautiful gray hair and very big muscles. Now imagine them with a 9 ft sword. Now imagine them as a helmsperson of a pirate ship in a flowy deep-v pirate shirt. Now imagine they're dumb as a fucking rock. And finally, imagine that they killed god. Here, you have made Gable Skyjacks: sexiest podcast character of all time.

7ft tall nonbinary/genderfluid thembo fallen angel sky pirate who wields a buster sword. silvergrey hair with black/gold streaks as they regain feathers/memories of before their fall. back is covered in tattoos that hide the scars of their shredded off wings. killed God. toxic exes with lucifer. they are the keeper of several giant war birds who occasionally crave human flesh. they enjoy getting rowdy/smoking rope with their boys. they collect rocks that they think are neat. When anyone admits they are attracted to them, Gable trips over their words and absolutely swaglessly ends up sounding stupider and sexier by the end of the conversation; the will they/won't they and teasing they dish out to these (un?)lucky few is palpable. Sometimes the buster sword is on fire. They are immortal, they are cringe, they are trying to atone because they believe they are the reason the world is ruined.

Okay so aside from all of the above (giant with a matching giant flaming sword, killed god, extreme dumbass), here's some more propaganda for Gable the Godkiller.

They've escaped death multiple times with their partner in... crime? Like literally they were about to be executed in the most brutal way possible and just. Escaped and killed all their captors in the snowy wastelands.

They are the helmsperson of the Uhuru and take this job very seriously and definitely haven't left it to Bowser (you know, like from Mario) multiple times. Can steer that flying ship in horrible weather and still make it to port safely.

Healed an entire fucking hospital by cutting their hair for someone they had the hots for who was also in the hospital. Imagine being on that level of myth making in some random port city because of a hair cut.

Giant bird caretaker and also took the giant birds out on their friend's bachelor party (this was like. his Xth polyamorous marriage at this point btw) and had a fucking blast getting high on some rope and fucking around. They've also flown these birds into combat and looked cool as hell doing it (see: killing their friend's shithead of an older brother in a joust).

Had a relationship with Lucifer the Morning Star before they fell as an angel and killed God. Literally the reason the stars fell was their love for each other. The world would not look the same without Gable and they are, at the very least indirectly responsible for the creation of the Church of the Slain God and everything it represents (fantasy Catholicism).

And also yeah they are regularly tripping over themself and saying very silly things. 10/10 character we love Liz Anderson and Gable in this house

I am seeing people say that this Nicky fellow is basically trans! That's very cool! Gable is actually trans. Pronouns they/them/any presentation whatever they feel like.

Gable held a bachelor party for a BFF where the attendees hunted from their sky birds, wore dresses, and still managed to keep their eyeliner on point!

Gable killed God because he wouldn't let them be queer. They should rightfully crush anyone in their path.

Nicky Close (Dungeons & Daddies):

One armed half-demon man with a sword (also a Dedicated, Involved, Loving Father). (Specifically campaign 2, where he is an adult)

Transmasc bisexual (or at least so widely accepted as such it's basically canon) dilf half-demon let's start with the basics

And by half-demon I mean the literal prince of Hell

But also simultaneously is Saint Nicolas get you a man who can do both specifically this man

Missing an arm cause his ex-friends tragically betrayed him and shot it off but he doesn't need two arms to show you a good time wink wink ;)

The betrayal in question forced him to be seperated from his also hot milf voice actress wife and their son which is sad but in like a way that makes him sexier

Uses his one hand to wield a flaming katana that he used to rescue his son from the FBI

Protects his family with his life very literally which is hot as hell

Big himbo energy couldn't come up with a good plan if he used 100% of his brain

When he does fail at things it's pretty cute honestly

Definitely played a variety of musical instruments before the whole arm thing happened! Maybe he still does idk he's a sexy mystery

2 in 1 deal! This man was born from the merging of two timelines! Kinda sick!!! Also two dads = twice the daddy issues

You'd think the whole being forcibly split from his family thing would mean he isn't very close with his son but nope! His son adores him! They get along great!!!

His mom is simultaneously alive and dead

His mom bagged fucking two different dudes (one of whom FOUND HER DEAD in a different timeline, both of which are demons)

HIS MOMS NAME IS MORGAN FREEMAN, HIS DAD’S NAME IS GLENN CLOSE, AND HIS OTHER DAD’S NAME IS JODIE FOSTER, AND HIS GREAT SOMETHING GRANDFATHER’S NAME IS MERYL STREEP

HIS SONS NAME IS TAYLOR SWIFT

Lifelong pot smoker 👍 (plus drug flower user!!)

CANONICALLY BOTH A POLO WEARER (and yes, has all the stereotypes of that attached with it — a nerd, which is hot) AND A LEATHER JACKET WEARER (which also has all the stereotypes attached with it — a rebel dude person, which is also hot) [<- all widely accepted as canon by the fandom even as he’s older]

A part of the SECOND BIGGEST ship of season two, (Nark) despite the two characters only having one-two canon interactions (one of which JUST happened last episode)

Man’s a himbo what’s hotter than that

So many fucking names. You try to tag him in anything and he takes up half the space. That’s probably hot. For someone out there

This was already mentioned but so very very trans. Like. It’s basically canon

Rock and roll(er)

Joined a group of thieves called the watermice when he was like 13

for a few minutes had a guitar called the Battle Axe of Hatred

definitely had an frienimies with benefits relationship with his childhood friend Lark (sorry ppl that don’t ship nark lol) (it’s canon after ep 44 hah)

I feel like the audio of the entire Nick-breaking-into-the-FBI scene should be propaganda, but I'm copying select bits from the transcript:

Anthony: Yeah, it kind of echoes up through the vent, like the beginning of Metal Gear Solid. You hear a voice that strikes you as ever so slightly familiar, Taylor. Saying— ??: [a deep voice] [echoing in the vent] Where is he? Anthony: You hear— Will: Uh-oh, he’s hot. Anthony: —a bunch of shouting voices. [giggles] Beth: Uh-oh! Anthony: You hear a bunch of shouting voices and people shouting for him to get down on the ground to turn off his flame. To fucking get his hands behind his back. You hear this rhythmic stepping forward— because his footsteps don't sound like anybody else's because it's almost like… y’know when you toss a little bit of water onto a really hot pan and it just sizzles like that? It's like every footstep he's taking, you can hear that— Freddie: Cool Anthony: — and you can feel some of that heat coming up in this vent, even though you can't see him at this point. And he goes— ??: [echoing] Where. Is. My. Boy? Anthony: You hear the FBI agent—the FBI in quotation marks agent—in the back going like— Agent: [echoing] He's safe for now. If you want to go ahead and make sure that he stays that way, you feel free to go ahead and step inside the suite that we've prepared for you, my boy. Anthony: And you hear the hot guy voice saying— [chuckles] The Hot Guy: [echoing] I don't think that's going to happen.

...

[a powerful rush of air builds] Anthony: You hear— [gunfire, and the air rush culminates in a burst of flame; from underneath the fire, metal music starts playing] Anthony: —plumes of flame exploding. [a person’s pained shout, gunfire and bursts of flame continue] Anthony: You can feel the heat radiating through this metal vent and it's actually beginning to hurt and burn your hands.

...

Anthony: And you hear blood— [sizzling] Anthony: —hitting the fucking ground and you hear sizzling and things boiling and burning. Taylor: That could just be coffee! That could just be coffee. Link, let's go. Anthony: And you are getting closer and closer to the elevator. And you hear that same hot voice say— The Hot Guy: [echoing] Where the hell is Taylor?

Gable and Nicky Together:

We are on a joint ticket now! This is a truly unbeatable combo. Not even god can nerf it because Gable killed him. Vote for us. Nicky Close will watch your stuff and play with your cats while Gable gives you the night of your life.

Killian Fangbattle (The Adventure Zone: Balance):

she's an orc! she's really fuckin strong! she's a butch lesbian! she has a short fuse, loves to joke, and loves to threaten! and she is very soft and loves ducks + her lizard wife.

I don't even think I need to say anything here, we were all smitten the moment Griffin said "orc woman"

Art of Nicky by @llumimoon.

#Round 4 #Gable #Gable Skyjacks #Nicky Close #Killian Fangbattle #Campaign #Campaign: Skyjacks #Campaign Podcast #Dungeons & Daddies #Dungeons and Daddies #The Adventure Zone #TAZ Balance

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holdmecloser-gandydancer · 8 months

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A How-To Guide to Ask Your Girlfriend to Marry You: Advice from Carey Fangbattle

The first step to this is to get a girlfriend. This may sound daunting, but it is doable! You might look back on your past attempts in this arena and cringe; it’s easy enough to say do not cringe, kill the thing that cringes. It’s another story when confronting yourself with the veritable trauma-trove of stinkers you shackled yourself with in the past. Breathe. Ask the cool girl at work to come spar with you. At best, it’s the perfect kindling for some nice sexual tension. At worst, you’re still sparring (and when you’re good at being hard to hit, it’s nice to have a challenge).

Taking it slow is cool! You can keep sparring and hitting the gym and become increasingly obvious that you want to maybe go for coffee sometime. And then, while out for coffee, if you suddenly remember you don't drink coffee, DO NOT PANIC. Tea is cool. You ever tried a Faerun Fog? It's like a latte but with tea. It's fine.

You can also try inviting her back to your place to watch a movie. Be sure to place the bowl of popcorn in such a way that would make accidental hand brushes inevitable.

Keep dropping hints that you're gay. Maybe she didn't notice.

Repeat substeps 1-3.

Get assigned to go on a work trip with her now that the flirtation has really ensued. Find the shittiest, draftiest tavern you can (there's not a lot of money in the job). Now, you might be asking: how many beds were there? And the answer is two, but don't despair! Because if you're cold-blooded, eventually she's going to get tired of your teeth chattering and will invite you to share her bed anyway!

Wake up in her arms. Super platonic like.

Oh, that actually worked? You now have a girlfriend? Great job! Never doubted you for a moment!

Now, you can go on some more dates! Have you tried the new wine and pottery place? It seems pretty cool.

Avoid your coworker at said wine and pottery place

Let her know that the whole being a reptile thing does make certain things different but! it's cool and fine and doesn’t take very much getting used to.

She's very enthusiastic and a quick learner. Lucky you.

This next step is also vital, sorry. You have to befriend this absolute himbo of a man. Neither of you consciously make an effort, you're just drawn together.

Hmm, politely turn him down after he hits on you.

Shit, that's not at all what was happening, cool cool cool.

He's cool about it though. And he has skills! And he wants to learn your skills!!

Have a heart to heart conversation with your girlfriend. This will happen organically after a long day at work. You're both going to be exhausted in every sense of the word. After all, you just had to attend the funeral of a friend.

She'll tell you she had wanted to use a powerful magic item while on a mission a while back.

Recall that the terms of your employment require that you apprehend or kill members of your organization tempted to do just that.

Be so brave and not cry about what this could mean for you both one day.

…cry a little

Decide you want to marry this woman.

Drop the hint to your best friend that you want to marry this woman.

Your best friend will carve a beautiful ring for your (hopefully) future fiancé.

Keep the ring in your pocket.

Try to figure out when to pop the question.

Watch the color fade from the world.

Lose your best friend.

Mourn him.

Discover your best friend was an alien from another plane of existence.

Discover that he didn't actually die.

Asshole, who keeps that kind of thing from a best friend!

Nearly lose the love of your life in the fray of battle.

Lose your shit.

Survive the apocalypse.

Mourn your friends.

And finally, when the dust has settled and you're finally back together in your bed, wince when you realize the ring box is digging into your hip.

Shift your weight and be weird for a minute

She's going to laugh a little. This is good. She loves you, after all.

Forget every single romantic notion you've ever come up with and tell her instead that you'd like to spend every near-apocalypse with her for as long as you both shall live.

She'll say yes, yes, ten thousand times yes.

She'll cry.

You'll cry.

And now you're engaged!

Start planning the wedding.

…Good luck

#reese writes #taz balance #taz #carey fangbattle #killian #team sweet flips #taz sapphic week #this is free choice i guess lskdfjlsdfkj #tumblr kinda killed the formatting but it's still cute i prommy

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