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gamergirluprising · 4 years

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(WARNING SENSITIVE INFO WILL BE DISCUSSED OR GIVEN. IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE INFO REGARDING SELF-HARM OR BULLYING I’D ADVISE YOU NOT TO READ ON. VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED)

Hello, everyone, I’d like to share somethings that have urked me and outright surprise me when getting deeper and deeper into this whole shebang cause honestly, this is too much to NOT notice. If you're wondering what I am talking about I am referring to all the stuff I found out about Viv and the fact that she never truly seemed sorry for what she's done to said people based on what I have found out and what she's said in recent years.

Now you all may say "G, she said she's sorry and that's that. Don't bring up things that happened years ago or have been resolved." and look, man, I'd leave it alone if it was CLEAR that she was truly a person of her word, wasn't a hypocrite, and didn't cause 3 people to be suicidal and cause/know of witchhunts that she KNOWS happened and/or wanted to happen. You guys can like her all you want and defend her, but be sure they are good defenses, understand WHERE I am coming from, and be mindful of what I am saying. Don't just ignore everything she did just cause you THINK she's super nice or because she's your idol.

I will also emphasize that I wish for NO ONE to send any unnecessary hate or anything of the like to Viv. You don't stoop to someone else's level just cause they did some bad crap. I just wanted to say any of this, loud and clear, cause its straight facts that shouldn't be buried just cause she wants to hold onto her image the best she can. That isn't at all fair to those victims who have been wronged and had their names tainted over her destructive and mean-spirited hypocritical behavior. AGAIN DO NOT ATTACK VIV AND DON'T THINK ME CALLING HER OUT IS A REASON TO HATE HER. We can be better than her in terms of handling things. Do not also think me calling her out shouldn't have been done JUST CAUSE you don't wanna hear it or not. If you don't wanna see it, you don't have to read it.

with that being said, LET'S DISSECT.

S T A R V A D E R

First I have to start off relaying to you guys what Starvader had stated at the beginning of the document so you'll get a jist of why she even spoke up in the first place.

"I type this document with no malicious intent only my personal thoughts on how I feel recently about the situation since its been on my mind well every day now since 2013. At least five years I’ve had thoughts below as to my personal experience of meeting an ex idol and why sometimes meeting your idol isn’t the best approach. For me, that ex idol is Vivienne Medrano creator of Zoophobia and Hazbin Hotel. I’m not aiming to defame this creator nor do I think people should stop liking their work or stop supporting them. If you like their work there is nothing wrong with that but I will refuse to silence myself any longer due to how much this rarely leaves my mind and tends to come up. This has been a situation swept under the rug and most would probably state ‘ well why are you bringing all this up now it was so and so years ago you guys squashed this etc etc “ that being the case, sorry doesn’t fix emotional trauma that comes up frequently during depressive episodes and comments do tend to stick to people in a certain way. Apology or not, words have a heavy weight to them."

I put this here even though I will be putting a link to her doc because people will most likely not read or press the link and just act as if Starvader wanted blood. No, she stated her mind and was clear when saying she wanted no harm done to Viv.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/e/2PACX-1vRX8VEoTS7Xot7D9u5i7MMEgtT44mNEtgpl4FY7QDZCA7ZY2j-CTJF7Uw_JwSJ6WUQNVvaTQv60Igte/pub

In this link It tells anyone who comes across it what she and some others mentioned here had to go through when being compared by Viv, wanting to do what's right and still being "called out" and bullied while getting hate sent to them, and having been told how her dreams would never ever be achieved and that she should practically give up, how she put friends against one another, etc. It showcases screenshots of these examples.

It all began with the accusation of art theft. The very thing she played the victim in with someone else. I'm sure some of you old-time fans of Viv know who this person was and are aware of the beef they had with one another. After reading Starvader's Doc, I want you to look at the post Vivziepop made to defame someone known as

D O L L C R E E P

This may be a throwback to you and you all may have thought this person was abusive. I won't say that they did absolutely nothing wrong since they themselves have said they did some wrong in the situation, but I will say that one was more of a problem starter than the other.

http://web.archive.org/web/20151008172207/http://enoughisenough-dollcreep.tumblr.com/post/125101370456/my-experience-with-dollcreep

Notice in this post that the very things she did to Starvader she said DollCreep did to her and how she tries and paint DollCreep as this SEVERELY abusive person. Hell even in Starvader's document you'll see that DollCreep told SV that he talked with Viv about the whole thing regarding SV and Viv and she apparently listened at the time. Not to mention that the screenshots Viv put in that post were either take(very possibly) taken out of context or not even bad to begin with (though his reply about the face thing was odd and shouldn't have been addressed b but due to circumstances, I think that's why he was so cautious). I don't know DC like that, but this kinda makes me feel as though he wasn't a bad person Viv makes him out to be and more her trying to destroy his image ENTIRELY for her benefit, cause till this very day she still calls him an abuser and someone she doesn't want to meet again.

if you continue on into the post she made, you'll see that she has made characters, EERILY SIMILAR to DC's, some WAY MORE than others. SV was willing to change some of the designs and even wanted to stop, Viv, however, seemed to take great offense over such an accusation and took to social media to make her frustrations known. SV kept this hidden from 2013 to 2018.

Oh btw, if you read the doc you'll see that SV wanted to commit suicide. DC actually attempted it. The cyberbullying ran that deep and it ANGERS me.

here’s what someone who saw the sitch had to say.

https://web.archive.org/web/20170619163024/http://dcs-personal-blog.tumblr.com/

can find everything here regarding what DC said about the sitch. You guys DO NOT ATTEMPT TO HURT THIS PERSON. It actually pisses me off that people even attacked DC and blindly believed Viv. It’s Johnny Depp’s situation all freaking over again

Here’s the picture of Viv saying that he was abusive, completely ignoring her behavior, and knowing hate would be sent to DC. Again won’t say that DC was completely innocent but damn man, was this necessary? DC even said that they talked it out and everything

https://vivziepop.tumblr.com/post/179705403534/im-only-going-to-say-this-once

Don’t even get me started on the whole character credit fiasco that Viv refused to properly fix.

https://krieg-was-taken.tumblr.com/post/101438542866/dollcreep-kibadoglover45-dollcreep-even

Look at this as well.

https://web.archive.org/web/20200104224648/https://tyacutie123.tumblr.com/post/125800399071/beware-of-abusive-artist

it mentions SV again, but it also brings into light a parody character meant to mock DC during all of this drama.

https://killapunk.tumblr.com/post/125896144245/dcs-personal-blog-enoughisenough-dollcreep/amp

DollCreep does the same thing back and is treated like the enemy. Hypocrisy at its finest.

now, most of you guys will be saying that this all happened in the past. It’s over, some will say, She’s changed (some of you may even say that these people deserve it. Yes people actually have said stuff like this to me or others) but here’s the problem, She still pulls crap like this to ruin people or to make others feel stupid. Just last year she was laughing with JaneGumball (who APPARENTLY made up with the victim) saying that she deserves it for being rude when the girl just said her opinion and was still a fan of Viv at the time, meaning she didn’t even mean to hurt Viv’s feelings and, hear me out, even if she did WHY FIND HER CYBERBULLYING FUNNY AND JUSTIFIED OVER AN OPINION? What sort of logic is that? That’s GREATLY immature and unnecessary, especially for someone her age (She’s 27 or 28 guys while the victim was 15, come on man!)

and I’m sure some of you know what happened with the person who made a meme regarding HH and other animated cartoons.

She’s VERY MUCH AWARE THAT THEY WERE ATTACKED....and this is how she responds....wow O K A Y.

So no, she didn’t actually change because she most likely didn’t think she had to. People kept supporting her thus making her believe that what she did was correct. Oh and Faust is practically Viv as well. (As seen by the SV doc and this tweet thread)

https://twitter.com/melonbea/status/1206994000563068930?s=19

Hell Viv seemed to ignore this too, as well as a lot of shipping drama if it involves a specific ship, but I won’t delve too deep into that subject since I am not very aware of the things that go down in that side of the fandom.

and there’s this

https://afraidofmonsters-headcanons.tumblr.com/post/188662798256/so-lets-talk-about-this-blog-the-fandom-and-viv

and this

https://historia-kq.tumblr.com/post/190882421127

I’d advise you guys to hear these things out.

Oh and Viv is the type to be a Hypocrite regularly,

https://twitter.com/VivziePop/status/613097846603026433?s=19

I could send you all the screenshots of her tweets but that should be another post on its own cause THERE IS A LOT. Like her Cancel Culture tweet, that tweet where she said, and I quote, “The hypocrisy is strong” back in 2014, November 29th. That time she had a thread of tweets saying, and I quote “never let someone dictate your value as an artist! Never seek the approval of someone else and conform to what they say you should do!” Despite doing this to StarVader.

If you guys want screenshots I can either personally DM or make a post showing her hypocrisy. Cause honestly this is rather, dare I say it, TOXIC. She’s manipulated people and has used them when they don’t abide by her rules or make a mistake that could have been resolved privately, she attacks and it’s saddening. I am TIRED of people getting hurt by her and I am tired of her abusing her power. If she wants to change I am COMPLETELY DOWN for that, but change starts when you want it. You can’t say sorry and expect people not to see past the lies or see that you obviously didn’t change. Sorry should mean what it means, feeling regret or penitence, but if you don’t at all exhibit these things then how are we supposed to believe that you are at all sorry for anything you’ve done currently AND in the past? I mean damn dude did you guys even know what happened to the cosplayer that Viv was mad about?

https://boricua-moonbakery.tumblr.com/post/616407364553310208

Now look, if you like Viv’s content, that’s your choice. I for one very much do like some fan content that i’ve stumbled onto and find some very creative and my cup of tea and while I’m not a huge fan of HH I still very much find the premise very creative. What I do if a creator of something is majorly sketch or strange I simply seperateb the content from the creator. I simply wanted to point out things many peeps don’t know about and any person who is a fan of Viv, I hope you’d at least understand WHY I am at all saying anything I am saying. I want there to be justice but I want things to be fair. I don’t want Viv to get hurt, but I want her to actually learn from her mistakes. I am not here to discourage you from anything, it’s your choice if you choose to stay and I will not judge you for it. I am a girl who SIMPLY wants people to be more aware of who exactly Vivienne Medrano is. She’s mistreated both fans of HH and ZP and it boggles me.

If you guys want more info, like her tweets that I mentioned, just message me.

END OF DISSECTION

#hazbin hotel #vivziepop #vivziemind #vivziepop drama #vivziemind drama #vivienne medrano #vivienne medrano drama #cyberbullying #hypocrisy #Trigger warning #tw #content warning #vivziepop critique

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yeoldontknow · 4 years

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so I watched brief encounter last night because I was curious... I don’t understand what the main character meant by her committing the violence of falling inlove. I don’t think I understand how being in love could be violent- is it because she’s married?

hi anon! ahhhh! im so happy you decided to watch it! and then came to discuss with me pls do you know how delighted that makes me ;^; if youre not used to classic cinema, or even classic melodrama, i can see how the film would be a bit slow or a bit difficult to connect with. so i really appreciate you taking the time to watch and come up with questions for things. when i say this made my day i mean it lmaooo

the quote i believe youre pulling from is this:

I’ve fallen in love. I didn’t think such violent things could happen to ordinary people.

there are several layers to this statement - emotional, moral, political, societal, etc. im happy to break these down contextually so you can have a better understanding of why this statement is painful and, also, why love is an extremely violent experience. going under a cut because...i have this entire masters degree in film and im not using it so im gonna use it here lmao

at its most basic, yes, you are correct. she says love is a violent experience because she is already married. to love, really love, is an act of violence, especially when you are already promised and making a family to another person. there is an element of ruination here that plagues laura, love as a threat to the stability of the home and family. and we can see this when her son is playing in the street and gets into an accident - a completely innocuous event, but one she sees as an omen of her violence against her own family. karma, but at a level that would start a war among her family and community.

in most filmic universes, romantic comedies especially, we are used to the relatively easy expectations that come from learning to love someone - you meet, you flirt, you are both, ideally, free to experience these types of intense emotions, you come together, you separate (due to...any sort of obstacle), you come back together. in this traditional narrative, we are presented with the notion that falling in love happens in a linear fashion and that, once the two characters have ended their arc and achieved their happy ending, there is not much else that occurs. they lived happily ever after, ever after being an indeterminate amount of time in which we are meant to assume they exist within this state, ceaselessly.

in general, there are two types of love stories - tragedies and comedies. where romantic comedies (in the modern sense, and i am stressing modern sense) end with ‘happily ever after,’ the other alternative for lovers is death. you either overcome your initial obstacle, or you perish, in love, where love becomes a death. so where does that leave brief encounter? neither party have been put to death, but the death is of the will, the passion. and, in brief encounter, it is killed by morality. by choice. i will be coming back to this. because passion is an extremely important element of this film, and it carries the narrative from start to finish.

at its core, brief encounter is a melodrama. melodrama has its own sect of film theory, but in this case ill do my best to keep it simple. and its really important to recognize that this film is british - british melodrama are two extremely different experiences and come from two completely different places of expression.

american melodrama, the most broad sense, was a stylistic set of films, usually from the 40s-50s (even some released in the early 60s) which use a lot of the tropes of classic cinematic narrative story telling - but as irony, parody, or pastiche. great examples of these films would be rebel without a cause, mildred pierce, from here to eternity, imitation of life, etc. in all of these films, and again i am paraphrasing because there is so much relating to melodrama as its own theory and practice, there is an onus on emotional expression and sensationalism. the narrative is driven by passionate action, emotional action, and, almost always, the swell of music weve come to recognize in hollywood cinema. music swells with character emotion, thus assisting in informing the audience in how to feel, and so we are ok regardless if these characters are successful in their plight, because we have felt.

british melodrama operates from an entirely different perspective. yes, like their historical theatrical roots, they favor spectacle and avoid realism. and, again, there is a reliance on the music to lead the narrative. however, the focus shifts from the societal body to the familial body; body concrete rather than body politic. culturally, this is a significant change from the usual reserved emotional experience within britain. and that is where brief encounter becomes something extremely important.

brief encounter was released in 1945, in a post-war period when there were significant changes to womens daily and societal lives, and this film really hones in on the causative anxieties that are born from these sudden changes and, yes, sudden notions of emotional liberation from their families - a new found independence. with the context of this film coming off the tails of WWII, in a post-war society in which there is meant to be peace, laura calls the act of falling in love violent which, for an audience member at the time of release, would have immediately associated that element of violence with war time violence. love is a threat. its dangerous. love at this level is repulsive. love is an insurrection - love is a revolution. and it came to her without her permission. she is bereft. she is on the brink of collapse - and ordinary women, the traditional family house wife, is never meant to feel so eager to ruin her family for a sensation that is, inherently, selfish.

so this brings us back to passion. something that comes up quite a lot in brief encounter, most explicitly at the cinema when alec and laura see a trailer for a film called flames of passion (this is a real film btw! and you might be able to watch it - it too is a melodrama. theres also a queer reading within brief encounter, because of the inclusion of flames of passion, but thats for another day). this brings us to the moral question of love as violence. for this, we can turn to hume and his 4 thesis on moral philosophy, the morals that drive humanity. primarily we will look at the following points:

1. reason alone is not enough to motivate the will, but rather is a slave to passion 3. moral distinction is derived from moral sentiment: feelings of approval (praise) and disapproval (shame, blame) through our inter-relations with others, or through the perceptions of others as they perceive us

for hume, the passions are simply emotions, but they are broken down as direct or indirect. desire is a direct emotion and it arises, without thought, from a place of good or evil, pain or pleasure - and it is only after these feelings have arisen that we are able to consider the feeling. by that same token, bodily or carnal appetites, our carnal desires, is another instinct that arises from unknown origin and only is able to be thoughtfully experienced after we have been confronted with it. and that is the most important piece - desire and carnal desire is an instinct. for hume, love, on the other hand, does not directly cause action - because love is not an instinct. love is learned.

in brief encounter, laura is admitting that not only does she thoughtfully love alec - love in a way that would not necessarily cause action, but brings her unparalleled pleasure in comparison to a man who simply helps, but she desires him. desires him enough to take action, to release the shackles of her political body and engage in her carnal body, with an appetite that is almost reductive in theory, aligning her with something base. this pleasure inherently causes her pain, yet still, she craves it - without morality.

and through her perception of those around her - her friends, her acquaintances, her own husband - she distinguishes this moral experience as shameful. but, in that shame, she still does not surrender her carnal body. her apetite is awakened, unable for her to be returned to its normal, thoughtful state. at war, now, with herself and her desires, laura is conflicted and ruined, simply because she learned to love and to desire, a violence an ordinary housewife should never experience.

#the cutest anons!#this was literally so much longer than it really needed to be #but i hope you understand now why that quote is literally so painful #why its one of the most quoted lines in film history #there are still so many layers to this #i didnt even talk about concerto no 2 and the agitation of the score #the violent swell and laura enacts violence against her heart #and her heart enacts violence against her mind #youre right anonie that its violent because shes already married #but the context of the film and the moral propriety of post-war england #makes that line an earthquake :(#Anonymous

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lenin-it-to-win-it · 7 years

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tag game

tagged by @mostladylikeladythateverladied

Rules:

1) Always post the rules.

2) Answer the questions given by the person who tagged you.

3) Write 11 questions of your own.

4) Tag 11 people.

1. What was the very first fandom you got super into?

when i was in middle school me and my younger brother were both super into artemis fowl and would draw all these parody comics together every summer so i guess it’d probably be artemis fowl!

2. Do you/Did you like school? Why or why not?

um kind of? mostly i just liked it bc going to school meant i could be on the debate team and not at home with my shit parents, now im at college and its more frustrating than anything lol

3. What do you do to keep entertained on a long drive? Listen to music? Books on tape? Yell at squirrels?

i always bring a SH I T LO AD of books anytime i have to go on a long drive somewhere but usually when that happens im with my siblings and we do car games and shit together or argue or do president flash card trivia bc YE S im a fucking DORK in case anyone has ever wondered and i genuinely enjoy presidential flash card trivia fight me

4. What’s the absolute scariest book/show/movie/game you’ve ever read/watched/played?

fuck i cant remember the name but i read this fucked up horror book in middle school about this like demon carnival thing i guess and there was this one scene with all these funhouse mirrors and if u walked thru the mirror you would look like the worst things u see about urself? like idk how to explain it but whatever u thought were ur worse traits would get more and more exaggerated and whatever shit things u thought about urself would get increasingly true as u fell thru the mirrors and the author described like the fuckin flesh shifting around and bones growing to change the appearances and it really fucked me up in 7th grade, i think it was for battle of the books but idk all i remember was one night i kept crying about it bc i was so freaked out lol and ive only seen one scary movie and it was oculus (about a haunted mirror) and my bed was DIRECTLY ACROSS FROM A GIANT ASS MIRROR so that scared me too lol

5. Do you have any pets? If not, do you want one?

YE S my DOGgO MY BOY MY LITTLE MEAT-MEATS (technically hes my parents dog but shh hes mine) and my only goal in life is to make enough money to afford a flemish giant rabbit lol

6. What’s your opinion on PE class? Fun break from studying or absolute hell?

H E L L

7. What’s the best way to spend a day off?

alone in bed with chocolate milk and memes

8. Rain, snow, or sunshine?

rain!

9. What’s your favorite quote?

ok well the one i picked for my senior quote was “go forth now over land and sea and set fire to the hearts of men with your word” which is from a pushkin poem BUT it was RUINED for me bc when the fuckin yearbook came out they switched my carefully chosen literary quote with special significance with the quote of the girl next to me alphabetically and what she chose was “You gotta work hard to ball hard” SO APPARENTLY THE UNIVERSE IS TELLING ME THATS MY FAVORITE QUOTE NOW IM A B A L L E R BITCH

10. If you only had access to one social media site, which one would you pick?

tumblr cuz its where my hoez at

11. Is there something you want to do that you’ve been putting off? Why?

homework for nearly every fuckin class theres this bnha angst fic that im definitely gonna write at SOME point but im putting it off bc i literally can ONLY write fics all at once in one sitting and with the amount of schoolwork i have in this upcoming week i know starting something like that is Not A Good Idea so maybe after next week when i have my midterm, three essays due AND NOW A RUSSIAN ORAL EXAM BC THE UNIVERSE HATES ME APPARENTLY ill hopefully get to it

my questions

1. how many otter pops do u think u could fit up ur ass if u really tried

2. what is prime meridian?

3. how many bones are there in ur room right now

4. what would u do if u had a roommate who gave people tattoos in ur shared room while u were there (Not A Hypothetical)

5. how many clones of urself do u think u could fuck without it getting weird

6. have you ever worn the flesh of ur enemies as you traipsed gaily across the battlefield, a delicious fresh picked banana in one hand and a severed head in the other only to peel the skin off the severed head and bite into it and stick the banana on a pike?

7. if u get a solid chocolate bunny for easter, how are you supposed to get ur lil wiener in there?

8. if you became president what would be ur first step to address the Lizard Tiddy Conundrum?

9. how many of your friendships are predicated on murder?

10. if u see a spider do u kill the spider or kill urself

11. if u had to pick a particular species of cactus to suck off, what kind would it be

tagging whoever wants to, go for it fuckos

#tag game

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asksansweredpdf · 5 years

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1: Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie. i don’t have one particular favourite movie per se. but star wars: i binge watched them at my friend’s house just before the ast jedi came out. i knew nothing about star wars and watched everything within 2/3 days. then, about a week later i watched the force awakens. and that was purely because we decided to watch the last jedi (which had just come out in cinemas) the next day. honestly, i didn’t care for star wars much skdjfhdjk but the force awakens really got me into it. and the last jedi fully sold me. then i went back and rewatched and i loooove the empire strikes back. now they’re my favourite movies. marvel: again, i hadn’t seen any marvel. but i had pretty much every friend i had yelling at me to catch up before end game came out. i loosely planned on watching them, but didn’t really get around to it until i got baked at a friends house and we had nothing to do. so we watched age of ultron and iron man and some others (i was too stoned to remember). i was sold i loved every second. and the fact that i was very high and rdj was very cute didn’t hurt. i went home the next day and watched ragnarok which happened to be probably the best movie i’d ever seen at that point. the next day, we got stoned again and watched infinity war. it was so fucked but amazing. i booked tickets for me and my dad to watch end game this saturday.

2: Talk about your first kiss. oh god. i was 15 and there was this guy who i thought was cool. he was a friend of my very gay crush at the time. me and the crush had a falling out later on. and a lot of other fucked up shit happened around that time period. i moved to his (the friend's) neighbourhood as it happened. we got talking because we had the same taste in music. and my best friend at the time put in a good word for me. i didn’t think of him as much more than a friend tbh, but my life was going to shit and i wanted to get out of the house ad have fun. so we organised to meet up at our town’s centre shopping place. i told my parents i was going with [insert random female names here] to hang out since we moved into a new place. they bought it and offered to drive me. i honestly thought we were just going to chill out and eat food. i was also nervous that this was a set up from his friend who was my crush, since the crush hated me and probably would have plotted to do something fucked. however, it turned out not to be a set up. we ended up walking around the suburb. this was much to my disapproval, because i was not very fit and had a strong dislike for exercise. he could tell i was tired and we decided to stop and sit down on this brick wall thing at the corner of a street. there was some terrible flirting on my part, and the next thing i know i was kissing this guy. i was pretty excited because every 15 year old girl wants their first kiss. and especially edgy ones who needed a distraction. i came home with no lipstick and chapped lips. lucky my parents were too busy to notice.

3: Talk about the person you've had the most intense romantic feelings for. most intense? i could list best friends, but in terms of intensity i think it would be this guy that i moved out with for the first time. i know this sounds terrible, but he was my best friend’s boyfriend at the time. i was pretty sure i was a lesbian at the time and i’m also not fucked up. so i wasn’t expecting this at all. because of the whole gay thing, and me being a flirty shit with anyone, i ended up very shamelessly flirting with him. he was sooo pretty, and im not just saying this. objectively, he is still probably one of the best looking people i’ve ever seen. and i own mirrors. anywayyyy, i took my sister to this lana del rey concert one day. not a lana fan personally, but borns was opening and i like him. turns out i like borns a lot. a hell of a lot. next day, i found myself talking to my best friend and her boyfriend and being like “hey i think i might be bi”. their reaction can be quoted as “oh cool okay.” the night after the concert, we got drunk. not a great idea, because i love to flirt when sober. so when i’m drunk and have literally 0 shame it’s a lot of fun but also an entire disaster. my friend bought her friend over and they were talking, which left me and the bf. the boys started teaching me self defence and were doing the whole smooth thing where they stand pressed up behind you and move your arms for you. they put me into headlocks and taught me how to get out and stuff. i was so drunk the ground kept spinning. a lot of terrible outrageous flirting ensued, like choking, touching adams apples, arm tickles, hugs that lasted 10 minutes while he had a knife in his pocket for whatever reason? more hugs like that but now featuring grinding. we slept in the same bed (just slept. nothing else. don’t get too excited). cuddling while in the same bed. laying on his chest and falling asleep. him playing with my hair. one time he played with my tiddies. this was over the course of like 9 months. whenever we werent 2 seconds away from like ..... jumping each other, we were just flirting in the most unsubtle way. obviously nothing happened, because he had a gf and everything. and as much as i didnt want to, i started to get some reeeeeal feelings. turns out the guy was a dick who only flirted with me whenever his gf wasnt paying attention to me. i later cut the whole thing off, and he started to act like a real dick to me. but yeaaahh. that was some intense shit.

4: Talk about the thing you regret most so far. probably not getting a license for any vehicle. that’s held me back so much the last 5 years. i wouldn’t have had to go through half the shit i did, if i could just drive

5: Talk about the best birthday you've had. my 15th birthday! i had raspberry chocolate bullets, watched movies in class because it was end of term, my friends bought me presents to school. the guy i had a crush on came to where i was sitting and sung a song to me in front of everyone. i think my friend bought me a club penguin membership? i ate pide and played league with crush and crush’s crush.

6: Talk about the worst birthday you've had. my 18th. i don’t want to talk too much about it because im very drunk atm but basically, i was suuuper depressed already that year. my mum was doing cocaine every spare second she could, and screwing men for it so she could get it for free (of course, none of us knew this at the time). whenever she wasn’t doing coke she was screaming at everyone for like, not taking pictures of her enough, or for eating dinner without asking her, etc. she and my dad were constantly either yelling at each other, or were 2 seconds away from yelling at each other. we went to a clothes shopping outlet. which i very outwardly expressed my hatred for, btw. my mum got mad because my dad told her not to look at clothes, because it was my 18th. my mum didn’t talk for the rest of the time we were in the shopping centre. i could feel the tension rising because they were in the 2 seconds away from having a fight period. i came home and watched sailor moon in my room alone. later my parents brought a cake and lit the candles. dad said to me “my god i am so sorry. this has been the most amazing birthday, hasnt it? you should thank your mother. she’s just the best. i’m so sorry! i never wanted this for you”. and, you know, my coke fuelled mother just screamed her lungs off and gave it right back to him. and my aries dad just yelled right back. and the candles were lit in the dark room and wax was dripping onto my chocolate birthday cake. and i hated chocolate flavoured cake. and i just wanted to run away all day because i knew this was going to happen. and they couldn’t even hold it together for me? or for my 18th? so i just sat there and cried as they screamed at eachother. i blew out the candles and ran into my bedroom and watched vines in my room. the end! :D

7: Talk about your biggest insecurity. honestly, i don’t have a lot of insecurities. i have a lot of fears, but not insecurities. i guess i’m insecure about my body in certain places. i have a scar from an operation i had when i was 9 and it makes my stomach look chubby, but only on one side? it’s out of proportion and weird. and i have violin hips.

8: Talk about the thing you are most proud of. honestly, it’s so simple, but i’m really proud of still being alive. i thought for sure i’d be dead by now

9: Talk about little things on your body that you like the most. i love my back! it sounds weird, but i have a rly nice waist and my back is sooo soft and smooth and it goes in at the waist and its so nice to touch and look at. and i have really nice and toned legs. and my arms are getting toned now too because my work makes me carry a lot of heavy stuff. and my baby sister is getting bigger and i’m usually the one to hold her. and i have nice hands too. but my favourite thing is my face and hair.

10: Talk about the biggest fight you've ever had. oh god. not going into much detail about this at all because i spend like 3 or 4 years crying about this. it featured: 2 best friends of mine who i had been friends with for 10 years; my crush at the time; random people off the internet i’d never met before. like i said before, i was a 15 year old with a lot going on. maybe that didn’t make it okay for me to be as annoying as i was, but it’s done now. they all got into a skype group chat together without me. and call it paranoia, but i call it intuition. i knew they were all shit talking me. i could tell there was something up for a while now. they all started changing their online profiles to something that very clearly mocked me, they started making posts about me, and posts that were clearly parodies of my posts. and i sort of went along with it because i dont like to stir up much trouble. but the posts just got worse and worse to where it was like ‘you were so weird and creepy’ and calling me names and stuff. honestly, i can’t even remember anymore because i spend a while blocking it out. but it was pretty mean. but it hurt more because there were all the people i was closest to, all saying fucked up shit about me. and then random people who lived in my city who i didnt know. after the fight ended, we never spoke again. but i spend the next 2 years afraid that i would bump into somebody from online in person and they would recognise me, and the whole thing would happen again

11: Talk about the best dream you've ever had. tbh i dont remember a lot of my dreams. i usually have nightmares anyway? i think i had a dream i could fly and had like magic powers and stuff. i was 8 or something and it was fun.

12: Talk about the worst dream you've ever had. after i moved out of my parents house, i had a lot of nightmares about my mum. again, i don’t remember specifics because i tried to block out the memory, but i remember feeling terrified, and then waking up relieved to remember i was out of there. after that, i started smoking weed which meant no dreaming which was good

13: Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time. i haven’t had like..... sex sex yet. i’ve been almost raped a few times? skfsdkjfl that sounds so cringey. but yeah! i dont know though, i imagine i’ll probably be super drunk for my first time. or maybe high. they make me more confident than usual. and for some reason i dont really like the idea of sex when im sober. i don’t think i’d be willing to be vulnerable with someone unless it was in a circumstance like that, maybe. and i’d be sure i wouldn’t have to see them again later on unless i wanted to. that way if i embarrassed myself, it wouldn’t matter. it would just be a terrible memory no one else would ever have to know about.

14: Talk about a vacation. i want one of these answers to not be about a fucked up memory of mine but i ...... truly can’t recall something? i guess there was a christmas i had when i was a kid (maybe around 8 or 10) and i’ll leave out the fucked up bits. but i stayed with my mother’s family and my grandmother owned a holiday apartment thing which had a pool and my uncles had horses and i got to see everyone and my uncles were super funny and let me play video games with them.

15: Talk about the time you were most content in life. there was this period for about ..... 3 months in my last year of high school just before i graduated. all my assignments were over, and my major works were all finished. i was just putting the finishing touches on them. and all i had to do was study for exams. i got into the swing of school. and my friend got her license so she used to drive us places after school and we would hang out and do dumb shit together. i didn’t care what anyone thought of me because i knew i wouldn’t have to see them again in 6 months unless i wanted to. the next time was this few months after i’d just moved out of my parent’s house. probably 4 or 5 months. i had been dreaming of having my own place for like, my entire childhood. and i finally did! and it was with my best friend and this guy i really liked. and all i did was go to uni for a few hours a day. and then that was it! my time was all my own to do whatever i wanted with. i didn’t have a lot of money but i was so so so happy. i used to take myself to the movies. i was in walking distance of a train station and uni. so i could go wherever i wanted, whenever i wanted. i just felt so free

16: Talk about the best party you've ever been to. the first part of my house-warming party was probably the best. i got really drunk, and someone’s mum brought weed so i was reeeeeally drunk and then reeeeeally high. i was dressed in the cutest outfit and a few people were flirting with me. actually, i think i made out with like 3 different people that night. and my friend bought me flowers! which i loved because no one had ever bought me flowers before. and we went to the park and i was so high and drunk and the little swing ride i was on felt like a rollercoaster.

17: Talk about someone you want to be friends with. hmmmmm to be honest, i’m trying not to make friends at the moment. i have a lot of other stuff i need to focus on. and having friends only leads to disappointment and heartbreak. i have a few friends i’ve accidentally made, but i’m trying to keep my distance from them so that we’re just ‘friends’ and not ‘good friends’ or anything like that. but secretly, i do love them a lot.

18: Talk about something that happened in elementary school. me and my best friend at the time were doing a school play about mary the saint (i went to catholic school). there were 3 of us: me, my best friend, and some guy who didnt have friends so we let him in our group. anyway, i wanted to play mary, but for whatever reason, this dude reeeeeeally fucking wanted to be mary. he started like yelling and stomping and being like “NO! i want to be mary!” and then just as he stomped his foot, a branch from a tree fell right on his head. and, without missing a beat, my friend goes “well, that branch hit you on the head so now you can’t be mary” and i laughed my ass off and he cried 19: Talk about something that happened in middle school. omg these are all going to be funny stories because why not. so this one time in like 6th grade, we had to use calculators to do some complex maths work. and there was this one calculator that kept fucking up and giving the wrong answers. i knew enough basic maths at that point to know that the calculator was faulty. anyway so me and my friends gave it to this other kid just to punk him a little right. turns out he didn’t realise it was a broken calculator and he finished his work and handed it in to the teacher, and proceeded to get in trouble sjlfsorerjlksjr

20: Talk about something that happened in high school. omg so in high school i did this multimedia class. so we would film events like chapels (i went to a christian high school) and assembly, etc. and what we filmed would go on the big screens for everyone to see. kinda like a concert. and anyway, one time this kid got in trouble in front of everyone, and my classmate did this dramatic zoom on our multimedia teacher as he stormed out of the auditorium, dramatically walking out to get the kid in trouble

21: Talk about a time you had to turn someone down. oh so this one time after i finished school i started going through rough patch #2 and i just needed a friend to talk to. and this guy from school was sort of the only friend who kept checking up on me and inviting me out places. and i liked that. i didn’t always have enough energy to do stuff or talk, because, depression. but i appreciated the fact that he cared. never thought much about it. until one day, we hadn’t spoken for like a month and he tells me suddenly that he has feelings for me. and of course, that’s so sweet and i did love the guy. but i wasn’t in the headspace for a relationship at all. i really just needed a friend. and i felt so terrible

22: Talk about your worst fear. my worst fear ever? it used to be dying. but i think now it’s just having to go through what i went through again. my worst fear would be being a child again and being at the mercy of others and having to rely on them. my worst fear is trusting people and having them completely fuck you up. again and again. and not being able to do anything about it because you need them.

23: Talk about a time someone turned you down. hoo boy. i was 15 and made friends with someone on the internet who turned out to go to my school. developed a crush on him, but he was very gay. i ended up telling him for whatever reason. and that went just about the way you’d think

24: Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot.

i don’t know. most people don’t know what they’re talking about when they give me advice. and i’m not saying that to be arrogant, but just most people haven’t been through much and not to sound self-pitying but i’ve been through a lot in a short amount of time. these are just facts here. so i don’t really believe what people say. i used to have this friend who was and will probably always be the only person who could ever make me laugh. genuinely. it felt like soulmates, but i was like a kid. but we had exactly the same sense of humour, and she was so witty and quick and would always have the best comedic timing. i really admired her and still do. anyway, one time she called me effortlessly funny. and that meant a lot then and still does now.

25: Talk about an ex-best friend. i just did, but sure. i’ll keep talking about her because i’m already thinkig of her. i’m pretty sure she was a capricorn rising. she had this really deadpan humour and it was always hilarious. we were friends since we were 4 years old. and i dont think i appreciated it as much as i should have at the time, but we really did grow up together and in each others arms. she was very cool and closed off and serious. and i got to see her funny and silly side. but what was even cooler than that was that i got to know her emotionally. she had a twin, and looking back, i don’t think her twin even saw as much of that as i got to. we used to have talks about anything and everything. you know those people who you can stay up all night laughing with and talking to and it doesn’t even feel like it’s been 10 minutes and all of a sudden the sun is coming up? but it was so effortless and fun and. yeah. it was like that. i still haven’t met anyone like that since. we later had a falling out and i met her again after like a year but we both had our walls up and that’s sort of when i realised how much we really trusted each other. you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone kinda thing.

26: Talk about things you do when you're sick. complain. bitch. complain some more. i usually buy nasal spray because having a blocked nose is SO ANNOYING. and otherwise, i don’t mind being sick too much. like obviously it’s not ideal but you do what you can. if i’m truly annoyed with being sick, i just sleep so i don’t have to be awake to deal with it

27: Talk about your favorite part of someone else's body. i love girls tummys and waists

28: Talk about your fetishes. idk i like some light bondage, light choking, a biiiiit very much maybe potentially kinda into rapeplay, and spanking is fun

29: Talk about what turns you on. most of what turns me on is like dom/sub power dynamics. im into scanarios that have a looooot of sexual build up and tension. it’s pretty much foreplay for me personally. especially if it’s like flirty banter or implications, and dirty talk can be fun if done right.

30: Talk about what turns you off. absolutely not into anal at all. complete turn off. not at all into the thing where people get off on girls acting like kids, or people who think fucking someone who is asleep is hot. idk i like most normal shit tbh. anything else is probably weird for a reason

31: Talk about what you think death is like. i think it’s probably the most painful experience you’ll ever have physically. and then everything goes black and that’s it

32: Talk about a place you remember from your childhood. i remember my childhood house’s backyard. it was massive and had like a step in the middle where the grass changed levels. there was a swingset with a slide. and for the majority of my childhood my parents were doing renovations, so there were lots of holes in the backyard that we used to dodge. we used to catch lizards and i used to collect bird feathers. and at the very back, right in front of the back fence, my parents planted little trees and chillis

33: Talk about what you do when you are sad. i immediately find the fastest way to be alone. i immediately listen to music. i drink or smoke or get high on something. or i try to make myself laugh if i’m at work and can’t do either of those things. if i can’t make myself laugh, i try to talk to a customer and pretend to be happy hoping that whatever they have to say will distract me from whatever i’m sad about.

34: Talk about the worst physical pain you've endured. eugh. every year i somehow get sent to the hospital because i can’t stop vomiting. i dont know how because its always for different reasons. but i always end up puking an excessive amount on an annual basis. the worst pain is when you can’t stop vomiting, so your stomach just cramps and cramps and cramps and you vomit but nothing happens and it just cramps again. it’s literally worse than period cramps. and mine are so bad.

35: Talk about things you wish you could stop doing. having anxiety. i overthink a lot which doesnt help either. the thing is that i studied psychology, and i still don’t know how to stop myself from being so anxious. like i know how much it affects my work and stuff but i just can’t stop feeling like i’m about to die at any given second.

36: Talk about your guilty pleasures. drinking, drugs, smoking, im not even guilty about those. idk. to quote niall hora- i mean pink, i’m not guilty about any of my pleasures

37: Talk about someone you thought you were in love with. an old best friend. different to aforementioned best friend. we were friends for 6 years. not as close as the other one, but close as i’ve been to someone since. we were both depressed and going through stuff and both flirted with each other just for shits and gigs. idk. i think we really only bonded because we were both depressed and suicidal and having someone else around who is going through the same stuff makes everything so much more bearable. once i stopped being depressed i stopped being as close and as in love. but at the time, it was really nice and beautiful, we truly could talk about anything together. i could have opened with “i love being dominated in bed” instead of “hello” and she would have just rolled with it. we used to dream about the future together and hold hands and hug. idk. we used to just hang out together and there was never any pressure to do anything or be anyone. it was just us being our dorky selves.

38: Talk about songs that remind you of certain people. goodbye stranger by supertramp reminds me of above mentioned friend, two of us by the beatles reminds me of first mentioned best friend, and i love her by the beatles reminds me of this friend group i had for 10 years. princess by shortstack reminds me of this friend i had for a few years who i almost had a thing with because i knew she liked me but neither of us ever said anything.

39: Talk about things you wish you'd known earlier. i wish i’d have known that it’s not a good or admirable trait to be so open with people so quickly. you shouldn’t immediately show people that you trust them or like them, and you definitely shouldn’t get so excited about things for them. it makes you look naive and they will definitely just use you. i wish i’d known to get my license earlier i wish i’d have known what weed was like earlier. it really would have helped me out a lot.

40: Talk about the end of something in your life. the end of high school was really hard. i know a lot of people hated high school. and i did. but once i got to my final 2 years, i had this confidence that comes with being older in school and it was really nice. i love the routine we had and the forced structure school made you have in your life. i enjoyed mucking around with teachers and that feeling of starting assignments before they’re due. being at school was nice because i mostly kept to myself and was generally well-liked. so i had this big support system that got me through a lot. and school ending meant that the support i had also ended. and then i had nothing and nobody and went through so much and had to be alone for it all. the end of school coincided with the worst period of my life #2, probably because i was at home to experience a lot more.

#mine

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