#my hormones have been fucking with me

[sprout-fics]

Google search: How to make fanfiction fun again

#I’m probably just hormonal or something stupid #but I’ve been getting really depressed about this blog recently and I’ve been thinking more and more about deleting and starting over #or leaving it as an archive and abandoning it #I get so stressed about posting and nervous about interactions and it’s ruining the experience for me #and I know it’s my fault because I’m just fucked up and in need of so much more therapy than I currently have #but at this point I’m forcing myself to have fun in here #it’s not coming naturally #and I have a really really hard time letting go of things that once brought me joy #so I’m kind of hanging on hoping things will get better but they aren’t #I’m not making any decisions yet #but I am going to start backing up my stuff and crossposting to ao3 so it’s all there too #and I’m sure someone is going to come and tell me this is the wrong reaction #so I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything

[ruthlesslistener]

i fucking hate biomedicalizing anything about being trans because as much as i love understanding the world through a biological science perspective, the last thing that anyone needs is for there to be this quantifiable measurement on 'transness' out there for transphobes to get a hold of but at the same time. sometimes i look at myself- at how fucking sick i got when i was on estrogen and all the physical health problems i had before i went on testosterone and how they all seemed to have magically dissapeared as soon as i got on t- and i can't help but wonder if there's some genuine physical disconnect going on there. like i was physically wired to have a specifically masculine hormone balance and not having it once i hit puberty is why i was so physically fucked up even before i realized i was trans

idk, physiology is a complex mess of things and sex is a multi-tiered system affecting all parts of the body and multiple organ systems so its likely different for everyone bc of that (not even getting into social dynamics) but. the fact that i havent felt crushing fatigue and muscle weakness and unexplained bouts of nausea/gi issues and random bouts of muscle aching or sudden weight gain despite varying my diet and havent had the irregular debilitatingly painful periods or periods that literally never stopped once they started ever since i went on t is something that i cant help but think about

#i mean my mental health has been fucking soaring recently too but thats to be expected from transitioning #what gets me is how im also experiencing an end to what was essentially an undiagnosed chronic condition #granted a good chunk of it is also hypothyroidism but like. i was on meds for that for almost a year before starting t #and i was still experiencing a lot of physical health issues along with it #though ig i shoudlnt be surprised bc my mom (who is cis and also a fucking amazing trans ally) also needs hormones #so perhaps its just genetic #or maybe i was born with female genitalia because of hormone imbalance in the woumb and that fucked me over #because GOD KNOWS that what i have inside me is broke as fuck

[aroandawkward]

When I was 16, my parents took me to the doctor because my periods hadn't started yet. And my mum told the doctor that I hadn't had a crush yet and asked if that could be connected. And the doctor didn't really say that my lack of attraction was a sign of something wrong, but he didn't say that it wasn't. I remember him using the word limerence and I didn't know what that meant. I remember him saying something about the age at which it's usually experienced and it was an age which I'd already passed. I remember him changing the subject without any real resolution to my mum's question.

At the time I didn't think much of it, but looking back now, I'm angry. I'm angry that my mum, with all her good intentions, thought that (what I now know to be) my orientation could be a medical problem. I'm angry that that possibility was raised to me before I learnt the words asexual and aromantic. I'm angry that my mum probably doesn't even remember this incident. I'm angry that the doctor didn't tell me that some people never experience attraction and there's nothing wrong with them. I'm angry that none of us - not me nor my mum nor the doctor nor anyone else I knew at that point in my life - knew that me never feeling attraction was a perfectly healthy possibility.

#tw aphobia #tw internalised aphobia #aromantic #asexual #I'm not going to be like 'imagine if this happened with other orientations' #because I know it has and it still does #but it's fucked up #And I know I'm lucky not to have been subject to any major medical discrimination #but this still makes me feel so uncomfortable to remember... #Honestly it probably contributed to how long I clung onto the idea that maybe I was just a late bloomer #And like I'm not even ruling out that my slightly fucked up hormones might be related to my aroace-ness #but even if they are what does it matter? #I just needed to be told that there was nothing wrong with me for not having had a crush #I just wish someone had told me that #Sorry this is kind of a vent but it feels like an important memory to me #Awkward aroposting

[cowboy-robooty]

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT. I AM NOT TRANS I AM A CIS MALE LORD PLEASE WHY DOES EVERYONE I MEET THINK IM TRANS

#im sorry i dont have the raw tboy swag guys okay #i have been talking to people more (online) and for some reason everyone who knows my tumblr also thinks im trans apparantly #I HAVE NEVER SPOKEN TO THESE PEOPLE EVER. LIKE THANK YOU FOR THINKING I EXUDE THAT SWAG BUT IM CISSSSSSSSSSSS #i shouldnt care but look im asian and have a hormone disorder so i experience aids every single day okay #im asian (people think i look 11 when im 18) i have a hormone disorder (fucked me up) and im in cali (liberalville) #combine all that shit together and you got people calling me she/her at walgreens or my evil classmate calling me a goddamn shota everyday #IM TIRED OF IT. I AM A CISMAN STOP MAKING ME EXPEREINCE TRANSPHOBIA WHEN IM NOT EVEN FUCKING TRANS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #TRANS PEOPLE OBVS SHOULDNT EXPEREINCE THIS EITHER BUT IM LIKE GAW DAMN IM GETTING NERFED FOR HAVING TRAITS I DONT EVEN HAVE! #im actively pro trans because im normal and not a freak. BUT IM A CIS ALLY I DONT HAVE A PUSSY I HAVE A BEAUTIFUL JAPANESE PENIS!!!!!!!!!!!! #robooty just hates being called shit that hes not -_- got that autism iny blood

[castielsprostate]

im A+!!!!!!!!!!!!

#i FINALLY found out what my blood type is :3 after 21 years #also i found out my testosterone is like. low low. and this may be why I haven't been losing any weight at all :3 #fucking love myself that i pushed my GP to test my hormone levels because NOTHING ELSE IS MEDICALLY WRONG WITH ME #sjonnie.text #medical tw #im a tiny bit disappointed that im not an O type :/ because my mum's O and i REALLY wanted to be O also :( but oh well!!!!! #also i dont fucking have HEPB (or it's anti thingies) so i am reapplying to donate blood!!!!!!!!!! #mentally there's a lot wrong but medically except for the headaches i experience daily since age 7 my knee injury and the fact i dont lose #weight i am totally fine! #does this classify as an overshare??? maybe but my mutuals need to know my medical status

[ducktollers]

also why have we as a society not figured out a way to just stop periods. with no side effects or other issues. just get rid of it. who tf needs that.

#sorry im oversharing tonite I GUESS #i dont wanna be on birth control anymore cuz i have been since i was 14 #but a year off it fucked my shit up SO bad im scared to try again #kinda need to be on it for the suspected pcos shit like my period was sooooo irregular that year #everything SO fucked up #but also the pill only fixes the periods didnt help anything else #and i dont wanns be on the pill anymore cuz like. cancer risk and blood clots and i dont want More woman hormone in me :( #but also periods ruin a week of my life every month i cant fucking TAKE IT ANYMORE n the only way to stop it would be to stay on the pill #but i dont wanna. makes me dysphoric #but then periods make me dysphoric and put in sensory hell #GET ME OUT OF HEREEEEEEEEE I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE THERE IS NO SOLUTION IM TRAPPED IN HERE #👹👹👹👹👹👹👹 #x

[beautifel]

i. hate that i cant ignore any longer how fucked up i am

#ask 2 tag idk what to tag this but its negative. idk if i’m hormonal or whatever. it’s just that i’m so extremely emotional lately #like i always havebeen but it’s insane lately and i know some of the reasons but i have no idea what to do abt it. which is bad #i wish i knew how to confront …it all. im so avoidant it is genuinely pathetic #and even if i wanted to confront anything iwouldnt know how… n how to tell ppl around me #the pains ive taken to ignore my issues over the yrs n by that i mean suppress the knowledge that they even exist Lmao it is so pathetic #let alone the pains ive taken to hide from other ppl that which im suppressing. and to hide how badly i cope with anything #like any problem at all not just things that have anything to do with The Thing #i finally told my girlfriend about something i never thought id ever say out loud to anyone n it was so hard #the whole convo was so hard bc shes dealing with so much too and shes been getting help for 3 yrs n i know #with her baggage of trauma a relationship is one of the hardest things #n ive never ever regretted our relationship but with the things we are both dealing wtih. or rather not dealing with in my case #it is so . hard.. and i feel like ive been so unfair bc i havent been getting help even tho i need it. and she has. #the sheer irony of me refusing to get help or even admit 2 myself i need it even tho im literally about to be the person who helps others #this cannot go on lmao. the only thing im sure about is that i wanna spend my life with her but with everything tht we have on our plate #its so.. unsure i feel so powerless . i cannot change the past i cant change either of our previous experiences #its so unfair how we risk losing the best thing that ever happened bc of things out of our control #ive genuinely never been more scared of anything than i am of the idea of losing this relationship #we had such a deep conversation today and it was necessary and good but god we’re fucked up people #so i .contacted the uni psych today finally but im so fucking scared and idk what to even say when i get there #ive never until today said it out loud ive never even written it down anywhere

[opens-up-4-nobody]

I desperately need to be a scene kid for Halloween this year

#idk y but i suddenly realized that im an adult and could potentially buy the goth bullshit at hot topic #that 12yo me desperately desired. and then i was like oof but i like the contrast of color #like i think i really wanted to be somewhere between scene and emo really #but thrn i was looking at scene outfits and im like woof. this is the kinda cringe i love. all thr fucking patterns. all thr colors #i even have thr 1nvader z1m graphic tees in my closet... i think #i just dont kno how tf to do that to my hair and also i dont have actual makeup lol #but i must be a scene kid for Halloween. i want the most ostentatious outfit. oh god im gonna have to go to the mall #i havent been to the mall in ages. i need to go to hot topic and claires. is pacsun still around? do they still sell skinny jeans? #i feel like everythings all bland now in stores. where tf do i go to get early 00s and 2010s clothes #good will maybe??? oh god. its like 3.30am and my hormones r all fucked up so i was experiencing like the type of fear you have when youre #like a little kid in a dark room by yourself. its not fair. when my hormones shift it goes: im so depressed to im full of rage ill kill u #to the world is so fucking beautiful im gonna kill myself. like in a not worrying way idk how else to express the feeling. to the type of #unhinged and undirected fear that belongs to a kid who doesnt kno shit. also lil heart palpitations and sometimes feeling like im gonna die #its bullshit. y does my body hate me? ugh. at least ive got a Halloween plan now #unrelated #oh god. dont let me cut myself bangs. im trying to grow my hair back out lol. im an emo with no bangs

[kyluxtrashpit]

So I’m having another… let’s call it an internet crisis. A thing that typically happens when I have Big Problems I can’t do fuck all about which means now it’s time to get Really Upset about problems that are comparatively small but do affect my daily routine (sorry again for no cut, I still can’t remember how to do it on mobile and I fucking hate hate hate the desktop post editor as much as someone can hate a piece of code)

It’s… getting harder to use tumblr. This isn’t about the sidebar, I don’t actually hate the sidebar cause we used to have a sidebar on the other side and I’ve missed it every since it left, but it’s about other things. A lot of things, but I won’t get into them all right now. For me, the new post editor is just. Really fucking difficult to use. If you’re just doing an unformatted, unplanned ramble (like this) or a little shitpost, it’s fine, especially if you’re on mobile (somehow the shitty mobile editor is now less shitty than the desktop editor, how tf did that happen), but if you’ve got multiple paragraphs and literally any formatting is needed? Well, you’re fucked, quite frankly, it is the most dense and convoluted post editor I’ve seen in like roughly 2 decades spent online. I’ve never seen anything more counterintuitive and difficult to use

And I’m sitting here with all these twitter posts I want to move. Some are little and would be easy. Others are a lot longer and more complicated and would shove me into that formatting hell I despise so much (and given how much feedback and unanswered asks to wip I’ve sent with no improvements, I’ve given up hope of it ever being made better). Like god I really, really want to save those posts but is it even worth it to do it here? But where else would I do it?

And the secondary layer too is… there’s no fucking posts here. No engagement on posts either most of the time. 90% of my posts come from my archive cause the kylux and Kylo (plus a few others I check less regularly) tags have very few daily posts and there’s hardly anything on my dash anymore. My original posts maybe get 10 notes on average, and these posts are ones that sometimes got near triple digit rts alone on twitter. Just seems there’s exceptionally few people here to enjoy them

And I’m still on twitter. It’s slowly dwindling but it’s still slightly more active than here. I’m on pillowfort and bsky too and they are truly dead (unless you’re a furry, good on the furries for populating every site in existence). There’s just. Nothing anymore. Maybe my fandoms are just dead but it feels like the meme about passing around the same $20 among friends cause capitalism is destroying us except with posts and likes

Idk. I feel like I don’t have an online home anymore. 90% of my socializing is online and 100% of my creativity is expressed through fandom and. I don’t know where to do that anymore. I have friends I chat with on discord and I love them but it’s… it’s not the same as a whole community, you know? And now that our homes are falling apart with every sign pointing towards imminent foreclosure like. What do I do. I know I’ve been through site losses before but. It feels different. Something new and shiny always came along before the end. I fear that’s not coming and we’ll all just be lost

Idk. I don’t have a conclusion. Twitter is doomed. I hate how the new owners are running on tumblr and I’m still posting here more out of a desperate desire to remember what community felt like than any real actual want to do so. The new sites have nothing going on. Idk. I feel lost. And maybe it’s the 15 other problems I have going on right now and hormones and shit but. I just don’t know what to do and I’m scared of what the future looks like for online communities and how alone I’ll be if I lost them (even though in reality I already have lost them aside from a small handful of people)

#am I just hormonal and stressed about things like old cat’s appointment tomorrow and work and the state of the world #with a dash of good old regular depression hanging out in there too #and that’s why duolingo fucking me over yesterday and stuff like this is bothering me #to a degree that is probably excessive #very possibly #but I also feel like this has been simmering for a while #and I just #idk man idk what to do I’m frustrated and I just want a place to shitpost about my little fictional blorbos #and have other people enjoy those posts and make their own posts and we can talk about them and everything is fun and good #and idek how to get it anymore like where are people doing that I can’t find them #idk I also need to sleep but ugh #brain land is a messy place right now let’s leave it at that #text #misc #shut up nerd #long post

[hookedonyonics]

anyone else get put on the pill basically immediately after they got their period, then were off it while chronically depressed and cycling through antidepressants, then had a hormonal IUD for 8 years?

My IUD finally wore off a while ago and it's been so weird since.. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Like some weird emotional stuff but also sexually...

Like. Is this just being a woman and hitting my sexual stride approaching my 30s? Or did I inadvertently like dampen or block off access to my sexuality for 14 years...

#i need to read your brain on birth control -_- need some mf answers #for context im celibate but shit has been fucked recently... i feel like an entirely different person except im not susposed to be this one #also ive been such a proponent of the hormonal IUD but i think i might have been wrong about it... much to think and learn about #i feel embarrassed even saying this but ive been fantasizing about men. who i know. like. wtf. like am i just honrier #and coincidentally am friends with men for the first time in my life #or like. am i not a lesbian????????????????? i feel like hp in the order of the phoenix 😭 what is happening to me #lol honrier **hornier #anyway sorry for any other lesbians who read this... anytime i read about a lesbian being like actually im bi i die a lil. not that im bi #but like. obviously going through a crisis this last while #anyway im fine im planning on getting my ass on some dates and meeting some women and have your brain on bc reserved at the library

[fushigurro]

i love the american health insurance system ❤️ (lying)

#rambles. #trying to make me pay over $100 for my birth control when up until now it has been 100% covered #like fucking excuse me???? #i don’t take this shit for funsies i take it because i basically have to #well i can’t wait for my hormones to go out of whack ❤️ unless i can figure out what the hell is going on with my insurance

[house-in-the-backyard-trees]

can i ask why did u guys break up?

we're technically "on a break" while he figures shit out bc his parents kicked him out of their house. This all happened the day after me and him went to a concert together like 2 weeks ago and a couple days after he Said he wanted to go on a break while he figured his life or bc he can't mentally handle everything. He just moved into his own apartment like a week ago and he's starting to talk to his parents again.

#I'm sure that i probably should've just been like well if you wanna be on a break bc of this and you can't let me help you then peace out #but i am notorious for putting everyone else first. and i genuinely care for him. like was waiting for the right moment to tell him i loved #him. so I've just been going through it. and this is my first relationship so I'm just feeling all the shit. and i just got a birth control #implant. so those fucking hormones aren't helping. we still talk every day. #i don't know maybe I'm just fucking stupid? but i did ask him if he wanted to hang out sometime soon. and he invited me to his housewarming #party at the end of April. I'm just trying to figure it all out and it's hard. #his parents are ridiculously hard on him too and perhaps i didn't have the whole story but I'm also just pissed at them still

[rahabs]

Seeing myself in photos truly makes me want to die.

#I hate it. I put so much work into losing weight and keeping healthy and then? #I reacted SO badly to the forced vaccines and gained 50 pounds in 2 months despite exercising daily and eating under 1600 cals/day #And no matter what I do I haven’t been able to like. Shed the weight again #Seeing myself in photos other people took truly just has me going ‘holy FUCK’ #And then I spiral. #I don’t know why but it messed up my hormones badly. I didn’t get a period for over six months #(INSANELY unusual for me as I have been regular like clockwork my entire life no matter my weight) #And then even once I started getting them again it took another two years for them to stabilise/get back to being like clockwork. #During that time no matter what or how much I exercise it’s just been a steady weight gain #Until I saw myself in a photo someone else took and yeah holy shit want to die I’m so fucking ugly it’s not even funny #text #chey.txt

[illogicalghost]

.

#big gender rant ahead i just need to write down my thoughts #personal #so i think im a he/him trans lesbian?? #i think ive been denying my feminine side for a long time now but middle school me was right. well. half right #idk why id built up some weird barrier in my mind about being trans and being a lesbian #but now im like more sure than ever #i still dont know if i could call myself a woman. and i thought i was so adamant about not using she/her again but it honestly? #doesn't bother me that much anymore. its not my preference but its not as soul crushing as it used to be #i have these weird subliminal gender rules for myself that ive been beating myself down with even though i #understand that theyre fake and dont hold anyone else to them. so why have a double standard? cant i have a fun gender? #ever since high school its been an uphill battle just letting myself live freely and having self confidence #i just turned 24. i dont have to be beholden to stupid hormonal teenage self loathing anymore #the world is a beautiful place and gender is just made up anyway. so why cant i be trans and butch? who cares?? #i think i worded it well in my last personal post. ive been living a gender of convenience #but fuck that! i want the gender that makes sense to me! that makes me happy! its my life and i should live it how i want to! #...i still have some regrets about my top surgery. i wish i wasnt so weirdly flat chested now. #but hopefully the fat will redistribute eventually and itll look more natural as the years go on.. #but i definitely dont regret going on T. i love my deep voice and my body hair #anyway if you've read this far thanks for listening to my mad ramblings #and dont forget you can have a fun gender too!

[futureghost97]

>:( see tags

#day 4 of having an illegally short break ♥️ #I hate my fucking job #I get a half hour break IF they don’t take it away today #coworker Becca has an hour and a half break #coworker Todd only works 4 hours total today which means he has 3.5 hours off #how on earth is this equitable #all at once I am dealing with: hormone imbalances & a miserably painful period & a cold & intense stress bc of my upcoming medical leave #oh and my short-term disability claim has yet to be processed (it’s been almost 3 weeks) sooooooo #no clue if I’m gonna be properly compensated while I’m out #even though I did everything right and stayed on top of everything #I feel like I’m drowning and all I wanna do is sleep but I have no more PTO so #12 days til my medical leave (including today): will I make it? #my stuff #all I want to be is happy #and I can feel this job making me a more miserable and unpleasant person with every passing day #I do not want a repeat of last year #but it feels like it’s inevitable 🙃