#my schoop is weird

[a-maniac-making-art]

If historical figures were to say things my classmates have said! ( It gets weird)

Hamilton: I'm as straight as my hair

Laurens: But your hair is curly?

Hamilton: I know 😏

Thomas Jefferson: That's as uneven as your mom's tits, and that's hard because you don't even have a mom.

Thomas Jefferson: Can you grab me a coffee?

Hamilton: That's Homophobic

#funny #history #school #middle school #my schoop is weird #gay #meme #quote #hamilton #john laurens #thomas jefferson #alexander hamilton #historical lams?

[moregraceful]

Hi Kasper!!! Are you writing for Time Begins? If so, may I ask for a teeny tiny sneak peek? 😳🫣

If not/also, it is clear you love the Giants most and I don't blame you but what are your favorite non-Giants ships, or Giant/non-Giant ships? And what do you love about them?

Hope these are interesting enough!

Oh bless you I love to share unedited snippets of fic that will ultimately go through an absolute chainsaw massacre of rewrites...under the cut below

But first, non-Giants ships!!! I have many. This is going to reveal an INTENSE Blue Jays bias. I've been banging the drum for more Bo Bichette/Vladimir Guerrero Jr for like. years. I love them so much they're so tender and they look so good in each other's arms. I'm also powerfully crazed by the fact that Lourdes Gurriel Jr wanted to dom Bo Bichette so bad. Why was he so up in Bo's grill. Why do people see Bo Bichette and all their blood goes to their dick. Also why is no one kissing George Springer??? I think Vladdy should kiss him. I mean I think the whole team should all kiss him but Vladdy specifically should kiss him while they eat their stupid wonderbread sandwiches. Also though I am not a scholar of the old men on that team, every time they cross my dash they're doing something bananas gay. Love it. Blue Jays scholars please educate me on your old men! Basically whatever gay juice they seem to be spiking their gatorade with up there in Canada: it's good

I also very fond of Gunnar Henderson/Adley Rutschman of the Baltimore Orioles....chosen one 4 chosen one, it's SO good. Also they're huge and hot and Baltimore is such an interesting town. what more do you need. let them go on dates doing weird shit and eating ice cream!!! Also very fond of Chris Davis/Adam Jones for insane reasons, and Manny Machado/Jonathan Schoop for normal reasons.

My one Yankees mutual has found better things to do than spend her life on Tumblr (I miss you Rhi 😭😭) so I am sadly not as keyed into whatever those gay fucks are up to as I was but I have a special place in my heart for Kyle Higashioka and Gerrit Cole bc their arranged marriage is insane. Also, we are always on team Hapa. Also need someone to tell me if Aaron Judge and Anthony Rizzo are anything bc the pregame meal commercial is lodged in my brain like a disease you get from drinking river water, but since I have zero remaining Yankees mutuals, I have no idea what's up.

AND FINALLY, ENDING HERE SINCE THIS IS GETTING LONG, I am very fond of my friends across the bay the Oakland Athletics!! I saw an insane headline yesterday about the A's playing at Oracle while their stadium is being built in Las Vegas. This was, to be clear, the most deranged thing I have ever read and it will never happen because Larry Baer would kill David Kaval and John Fischer in real life -- HOWEVER, the idea of the Baby O's interacting with the baby Giants because they would share a stadium and presumably clubhouse made me howl like a dog. First of all, Tony Kemp and Mike Yastrzemski would be great co-parents (they're in love, they're in love, and they DON'T care who knows it) and I think their combined power could right the sinking ships of both teams. second of all, I need to see what happens when you mix traumatized Oakland rookies with Giants rookies who are being forced to play Kaplerball. I think it would literally be catastrophically horny. the teams would invent several new mental illnesses. the amount of doubleheaders would have a horrible effect on San Francisco's water supply. I honestly think we'd get a like California Hockey situation, where you come to the Bay Area and get your ass kicked by both teams, who meanwhile lose every single away game they play and are at the bottom of their respective leagues. It would be so good and so bad and I don't think the teams OR the fanbases would ever recover. The whole thing is very we found love in a hopeless place. What would you do, if you were Casey Schmidt, and you met Lawrence Butler? You would be so horny, and so uncool about it.

Anyway thank you for asking!!! and sorry to m pindergarten specifically and only, if she read that last paragraph

Excerpt of my very neglected Time Begins fic:

Blake almost bails on Casey to hang out with Sean but when he floats the idea past Sean as they all dress to leave, Sean stares at him in disbelief. “Don’t be an idiot,” he says.

“Why? You’re my friend.” Blake doesn’t get the look on Sean’s face. He just wants Sean to feel better.

“So is Casey,” says Sean. “Stop making him feel bad.”

“You feel bad now,” protests Blake.

Sean stands up. He towers over Blake while Blake is sitting with one of his shoes half on. Sean puts both hands on Blake’s shoulders and bends down. “Blake,” he says very quietly. “It is Pride weekend. Casey is asking you to get a beer with him on Pride weekend.”

“Oh,” says Blake. He blinks. “Oh, okay. I thought Pride weekend was a couple weeks ago but I guess that explains all the lesbians I saw this morning when I walked to the grocery store. Like, Dyke March, because it’s Saturday, right? So he wants to get a beer with me on Pride weekend, which is meaningful. I guess.”

Sean presses his forehead against Blake’s. “Don’t squash his joy,” he says. “Not today. Not this weekend.”

He cups the back of Blake’s neck. “Or I’ll tell Craw you made Casey cry,” he says sweetly.

Sean straightens. Blake makes a face. “You’re supposed to be my friend,” he says. “You’re not supposed to give me a shovel talk.”

Sean flicks him in the forehead. “I got a hot date tonight. Don’t text.” He swaggers off.

“Don’t call me for a ride home because I’m busy tonight,” Blake yells after him. He puts on his shoes.

#the fic is suuuuuch garbage and i need to edit it so bad but i am trying to yeet as many boxes out of this house as i can #before my new job starts next week. so every single fic i'm working on is having a nice restful stay in the garden for a while #my lakehouse fic likely will not get finished....alas lol. after i finish time begins i gotta throw all my energy into my fth fic #i have created a nightmare situation for myself beyond mortal comprehension but hey! at least i have dental insurance again #this post is a hot fucking mess my god but again the only person i'm apologizing to is m pindergarten. sorry m 😔 #cage replies #anon

[writtingthestory]

I"m Really Not That Into Guys

Robin Buckley x Bisexual Reader

I always remember seeing Robin around school wearing her walkman and earphones and listening to her tapes I have only talked to her a couple of times saying hi and how have you been? Not so much of a conversation so when Starcourt mall opened I was surprised to see Robin working at the Schoops Ahoy I seen it as a way to open up a new friendship with her as i looked down my watch the time reads 6:25 pm as i rush over to the medium sized ice cream parlor and notice Robin and Steve Harrington were the only people inside the store cleaning up the messes the previous customers left "is it to late to order some ice cream" I say as they both look up at me "Sorry" Steve says looking up at me "were getting ready to close up" "hey your Y/N from school" "Yes how have you been?" I ask her "you know same old same old" " well I'm glad to hear" as we both smile at each other "okay well I guess I will come back tomorrow when you guys open up" " no no it's okay I don't mind serving you right now" Robin says while looking at me "are you sure I wouldn't mind coming back tomorrow" I respond no it wouldn't be a problem which flavor did you want? Could I get (Your favorite ice cream flavor) yes of course she says while opening up the freezer with the ice cream as i watch her scoop the ice cream and puts it onto the cone and hands me the freshly scooped ice cream cone "Thank you" I tell her "No problem Y/N anytime" how much do I owe you" "it's okay don worry about it it's on the house" "Really thank you appreciate it" I say while taking a lick of the ice cream as Robin is looking at me she asks " Y/N Can I have your phone number by any chance?" She asks with a smile her smile is really bright it could light up a room think to myself how beautiful she is. As i write down my number and hand her the piece of paper as she looks down at it and then back at me " Do you want me to walk you to your car just so I know you'll safely make it to your car if not it's okay" "Yes that would be great thank you" "Harrington I be right back can you lock up for me?" Robin yells "Sure" he yells back as she faces toward me we both start walking towards the escalator "So Robin are you seeing anyone right now" you ask as you look up at her "no not at the moment but i have my eye out for someone I'm just not sure if they would be into me" "I'm sure is it a boy?" I ask " No it's not I'm gonna be honest with you Y/N I'm really not into guys I like girls more" She says "oh well there's nothing to be ashamed of we all are a bit different to be honest with you to i like both guys and girls" She looks up at me really I have never heard of anyone in Hawkins being into both guys and girls" "I know its a bit weird at times but I know what I like" "It's nothing to be ashamed of" she tells me "but anyways I say who do you have your eye out for?" I ask "well to be honest she hangs out a lot at the mall and she comes in after hours and gets a free ice cream she's very polite nice beautiful she has Y/H/C and These bright Y/E/C eyes and she's into both guys and girls I believe you know her" "I don't think I do I respond" as we both stop in front of my car she says "Y/N its you " Oh I respond now realizing really well to be honest I think your very beautiful by any chance would you want to go out sometime? " I ask "Yes of course that's actually why I asked for you number and why I gave you ice cream I've been noticing you around the mall I just thought maybe you weren't into me" She says "as i pull her in for a passionate kiss that gave me butterflies in my stomach as we both stare at each other" Wow she says "so you call me as soon as you get home okay" "totally she says well talk to you later she says" "bye I tell her while starting the engine to the car as i pull out of the drive way I see Robin and Steve high five each other as they both wave bye to me. As i drove home I rushed home thinking about us talking to each other pretty soon and that kiss that we just had.

#robin buckley imagine #robin buckley #robin buckley x reader #robin buckley x you #stranger things imagine #stranger things x reader

[thebluestbluewords]

nobody look at me I don’t know where this fic came from either

“....eggs?” Mal says doubtfully. “I’m pretty sure eggs are involved.”

Evie looks horrified. “You need to do a little bit more research than just the idea of blood magic and eggs before I let you go rummaging around inside me!” she says. “I want— diagrams, or charts, or something! Get me proof that you aren’t going to scoop out my organs and then I’ll let you do your dark magic.

“Aw,” Mal says, deadpan. “you wouldn’t let me hold your heart in my hands?”

Evie looks very nearly physically ill at the thought. “That’s very sweet of you babe, but no.” she says, “I do not trust you to open my body up without extensive documentation showing me why exactly it is a good idea to let you go rummaging through my body.”

“We’re making a baby together.” Mal says, earnestly. “You should trust me. It’s important.”

“Yes, I know that.” Evie says with a long-suffering look on her face “and I do trust you, Mali. I just also want some proof that you know what you’re doing before I bare my literal organs to you.”

“Babies are really, really cute.” Mal tries. “It would be your baby.”

Evie sighs, although it’s more dreamy than exasperated this time. “I know.”

“You’ll be able to go all gushy over it,” Mal wheedles. “and it’ll have all three of us as parents this way. Equal rights, you know?”

Evie reaches over to grab Mal’s hands. “You just want to have my babies,” she says. “It’s very understandable. I am the hot one.”

Mal swings their joined hands in the space between them. “Yeah.” she says, maybe a bit mushier than she meant it to be. “I do.”

Evie sighs, and gives Mal’s hand a little squeeze. “Get me the research,” she says, “and then you can harvest my eggs, okay?”

“Okay!” Mal says brightly, without hesitation, and with the distinctive air of someone who already has a stack of medical anatomy textbooks leftover from art school on her desk.

Ben, tucked halfway behind Mal on the couch, pokes her teasingly. “Do I even need to be here for this?” he asks.

“Yes!” Evie says immediately. Ever the responsible one, that’s her. After much practice, they’re learning by now, the three of them, that their relationship conversations tend to go better when all of them are at least in the room. Having one person (Mal) recount the initial debate back to her other partner (usually Evie, because even after four years of art school and growing as a person, Mal still has a weird need to try and fit the status quo, and she generally does sleep in the same room as her royal husband) tends to end up with some miscommunication. “Yes. For sure.”

“Pshh, no.” Mal responds just as quickly. “You’re extra, beastie boy.”

Ben wraps an arm around her. “Oh, I see how it is. My own wife doesn’t need me here. I get it, I’ll go—“

Evie drops one of Mal’s hands so that she can reach out to Ben. “No, no no no babe!!”

Mal snort-laughs. “Bye,” she says, settling more securely into her husband’s arms. “Go on, get. Goodnight.”

Ben drops his forehead to her shoulder for a moment, before lifting it again to look at both of his girls. “Joking, it’s my kid too. What do you need from me during this?”

“Your eternal support and gratitude?” Evie suggests. “Maybe chocolate?”

Mal hums. “Nothing, I don’t think?” she says. “Just be there.”

“You don’t think?” Ben asks. “Should I man the phones in case things go wrong?”

“No!” Mal says, loudly. “Absolutely not! It’s not going to be like a full magic operating room. Nothing is going to go that wrong. I can’t properly hold cells in stasis while I physically transport them from one being to another, so it’s not going to be anything gory like that. I’m basically going to do a find-and-replace between Evie’s egg cells and mine. I’ll get an idea of her blood signature from her menstrual cycle, and then it’s just a matter of locating the correct structures, and I can just—“ Mal makes a schlorping gesture with her free hand. “schoop an egg from her body to mine.”

Ben looks unfortunately fascinated by both the process and the gesture. “Wild.”

“Right?” Mal says, clearly thrilled to have someone ready to appreciate her bloodlust. “I’ll need you afterwards for like, the usual bit, but it’ll be Evie’s genetic makeup inside my body.”

Evie makes a considering kind of noise. “Is blood type going to be an issue with this?” she asks. “I feel like it might make things more difficult.”

Mal shrugs. “There’s wards that should help with that. Plenty of people have assisted pregnancies without using any sort of magic at all, so it should be fine.”

Ben leans his head against Mal’s shoulder again, looking mildly distressed. “Are you going to cast a ward on yourself?”

Mal considers. “Mhm,” she says finally. “I think a sigil would work better, actually. More chance of sticking that way. Probably something with rosemary, for that healing and fertility energy.”

Evie leans in. “What about oak? I think the tannins could really lend some longevity to the process, might be easier than recasting every week, especially if you’re, y’know-- expending your energy elsewhere.”

Mal scrunches her nose. “Red oak makes me itchy, but maybe black?”

“Of course black, what am I, new?” Evie scoffs. “Black oak and blackberry balm as a base, I think. It would certainly make it easier to apply if it’s got that extra stickiness to the resonance.”

“Uh,” Ben breaks in, before the talk can devolve too far into magical logistics. “Can we go back to the part where we talk very slowly about the basic steps for this? Cause I’m not sure if I get it.”

Mal thunks her head backwards, and doesn’t quite hit her husband in the face. “I’m going to do dark magic to produce you an heir, your highness.” she says, teasing. “It’s the fairy magic, you know. Very traditional.”

“Hah. Hah.”

Mal does laugh, because she’s a jerk sometimes. “For real. I’m going to use one of the spells that my mother used for transformations as a base, and I’m going to transfer one of Evie’s eggs to my body, and I’m going to carry a baby for us.”

“And you’re not going to hurt yourself during the process?”

“Magic is never one-hundred-percent safe, babe, but yeah. It should be easy.”

“The magic part of it should be easy.” Evie adds. “Mal knows what she’s doing.”

Mal looks slightly ill for a moment. “Yeah,” she says. “Easy-peasy.”

#my fic #descendants fic #descendants fandom #its.....mostly malvie but also there’s marriage that’s mostly for tax purposes #nobody @ me about this #by which I mean PLEASE TALK TO ME ABOUT MY POSTCANON BABY FIC IDEAS #it’s about the complicated experience of parenthood when you’re also recovering from childhood trauma #not that they’re children in this #it’s set about five or six years post canon I think #it’s also about the experience of queer parenthood and that desire #and not wanting to be put into a heterosexual relationship mold even though your relationship looks a certain way to outsiders #anyway hello all my fb friends are starting to get married and do the adult relationships thing and I think I’m processing that through fic

[gibsonsflowofthoughts]

The winners and losers of the 2018 MLB trade deadline

It’s that time of year, where we all ignore the fact that the Major League Baseball postseason is nonsense. Baseball starts drinking on Oct. 1, and when it wakes up in the first week of November, the smoke alarm is going off and there’s a horse in the bathtub. There’s no rhyme or reason to it, but we’re supposed to pretend like we can predict winners and losers at the trade deadline.

Heck yeah, we’re supposed to pretend like we can predict winners and losers at the trade deadline. It’s fun. So even though you might be from the future and laughing at my simplistic analysis, just know that I’m more interested in being fun than right. Which is good, considering this won’t be right.

Thought the Astros should have traded for Yu Darvish instead of Justin Verlander last year, for example.

Hey, it could have worked, you don’t know.

But you clicked, so I’ll write. Here are the winners and losers from the 2018 MLB trade deadline:

Rays

Acquired: Tommy Pham, Austin Meadows, Tyler Glasnow, Jalen Beeks, bonus pool money, players to be named later

Traded: Chris Archer, Jonny Venters, Nathan Eovaldi, Matt Andriese, Justin Wilson, Genesis Cabrera, Roel Ramirez, Michael Perez, Brian Shaffer

They have the payroll of a medium-sized Quiznos now, which I guess is part of the point. I’m not a fan of baseball’s current economic structure, and I’m hesitant to heap too much praise on a team trying to cut costs.

Still, as long as this is the framework, the Rays are within their rights to exploit it. And, baby, they’re exploiting it with aplomb. They’ll have an outfield of Meadows/Pham/Kiermaier, which is built to win now and for the distant future. They won’t have their ace, but they’ll have pitchers who are majors-ready or close to it coming back.

These deals aren’t for toolsy A-ballers who are five years away. This is the Rays trying to buy their cake at a yard sale and eat it, too. It’s just crazy enough to work, and I’m very impressed by the their ability to walk this weird, thrifty tightrope.

Mmmmmm, yard-sale cake.

Dodgers

Acquired: Manny Machado, Brian Dozier, John Axford, Dylan Floro, Zach Neal

Traded: Yusniel Diaz, Dean Kremer, Zach Pop, Rylan Bannon, Breyvic Valera, Luke Raley, Logan Forsythe, Devin Smeltzer, Corey Copping, James Marinan, Aneurys Zabala

The Dodgers don’t like trading prospects if they don’t have to, and they certainly gave up a lot of interesting players, Kremer has the gaudy strikeout totals, and Bannon hasn’t stopped hitting as a professional. That’s before you get to Diaz, who is supposed to be the centerpiece of the deal. It’s a lot for two months of production and the postseason.

At the same time, this is a franchise that was a single lousy game away from a World Series win last year, which is something they haven’t had since 1988. They were extremely cautious when it came to trading their prospects just a couple years ago, but now they’re trying to add to a team that’s somehow powered by minor-league free agents and lesser trades and signings.

Oh, and Clayton Kershaw. Minor-league free agents, lesser trades and signings, and Clayton Kershaw. They might have the best team in the NL, still, so it makes sense to add a hitter with Hall of Fame talent in the middle of his best season, even if he’s just a rental. If Dozier has a Dozierific second half, this could be the best lineup in baseball. The Dodgers gave up a lot of prospects, but they had a lot to offer.

When it comes to the Machado trade, it doesn’t hurt that this is a preview of what it would be like to play for the Dodgers long term, either. The weather’s pretty nice, Manny.

Yankees

Acquired: Lance Lynn, J.A. Happ, Zach Britton, Luke Volt, $2.75 million in international bonus money

Traded: Tyler Austin, Luis Rijo, Brandon Drury, Billy McKinney, Cody Carroll, Josh Rogers, Dillon Tate, Chasen Shreve, Giovanny Gallegos, Adam Warren

I’m not a huge fan of Lance Lynn, even as he’s been solid for the last two months, but he’s overqualified for what the Yankees are asking him to do, which is sit in a glass case and be ready. The Yankees have a starter with a wonky elbow in Masahiro Tanaka, one with a case of the mystery sucks in Sonny Gray, and a 38-year-old in CC Sabathia. They aren’t crossing their fingers; they’re preparing for the apocalypse. Good for them.

Happ seems like the kind of starter who can give five solid innings in the postseason before giving way to a four-headed monster of bullpen doom, and look at that, Zach Britton is here to be another head. I don’t know what happened to Tommy Kahnle either, and there are no guarantees that Britton will be back to 2014-2016 levels, or anything close to it, but the Yankees have the kind of depth that wins championships.

It’s about time. They’ve had to wait nine years and endure two 84-win seasons, but now they’ve built their best shot at another title run.

Royals

Acquired: Brett Phillips, Jorge Lopez, Blake Perkins, Kelvin Gutierrez, Yohanse Morel

Traded: Mike Moustakas, Kelvin Herrera

A fair return for two beloved players, with deft timing executed on both. The Royals swooped back into the market to sign Moustakas, which might have cost them a compensatory draft pick. Unless it just meant that he wasn’t going to have to sit out until June, which would have been incredibly annoying and sad.

Phillips is the main snag, and there’s a strong chance that he’ll whiff his way out of starting consideration soon. Still, the tools are real, and they got him for a rental. Even if that rental will have pictures of him hanging around the ballpark for the next half-century.

Orioles

Acquired: Yusniel Diaz, Dean Kremer, Zach Pop, Rylan Bannon, Breyvic Valera, Cody Carroll, Josh Rogers, Dillon Tate, international bonus space, Evan Phillips, Jean Carlos Encarnación, Brett Cumberland, Bruce Zimmerman, Jonathan Villar, Luis Ortiz, Jean Carlos Carmona

Traded: Manny Machado, Brad Brach, Zach Britton, Darren O’Day, Jonathan Schoop

It would have been more if they opened up shop in the offseason, or even better if they did this two years ago. Ah, the benefit of hindsight.

All told, though, it’s almost like having a full draft to yourself, right down to the first-round promise of Diaz. That’s a pretty sweet haul for players who weren’t going to be around for the next good Orioles team, even if it’s ultra-depressing that Machado won’t be on that team.

The part where the Orioles acquired international bonus money for Brach and Schoop made me laugh, though. They usually hold an International Bonus Money Day at the park, where they give international cap space to the first 20,000 fans, and now they’re acquiring it on purpose? I know there’s a good reason for it, but still. It’s ... almost like the organizational direction isn’t clearly defined.

Still, think of it like a free draft. Hey, free draft! If you’re going to trade away your middle infield, your bullpen, and the most reliable starter in a sea of unreliable misery, at least get 15 players so you can pretend you’re getting a free draft out of it.

Twins

Acquired: Luke Raley, Devin Smeltzer, Tyler Austin, Luis Rijo, Chase De Jong, Ryan Costello, Gilberto Celestino, Jorge Alcala, Jhoan Durán, Gabriel Maciel, Ernie De La Trinidad

Traded: Brian Dozier, Lance Lynn, Zach Duke, Ryan Pressly, Eduardo Escobar

Give me a list of the prospects the Twins were offered for Dozier two seasons ago, and I’ll tell you if they were winners or losers. As is, that’s a list of names that’s 11 players long, and there’s a fine chance that at least one or two of them will make a dumb “winners-losers” binary choice look silly in four years.

Dozier was traded too late, and the return wasn’t impressive. That’s how it goes.

Duke was traded at the perfect time, and any value he adds through trade is impressive.

Pressly is solid, even if his K-rate suggests he should be more than that. Dealing him as he’s getting deeper in his arbitration years is a good move, and while I’m not qualified to analyze the return too deeply, it sure looks like they got highly regarded prospects back, which is excellent value.

Escobar was an extreme sell-high player, and to the Twins’ credit, they sold high.

I’m leaning toward “WINNERS, ABSOLUTE WINNERS,” but as of now, I’ll turn the caps lock off. Looks good from here, and give them credit for deciding to sell so quickly after a surprise postseason run.

I just want to know what they could have got for Dozier two seasons ago.

Indians

Acquired: Leonys Martin, Brad Hand, Adam Cimber, James Hoyt

Traded: Francisco Mejia, Willi Castro, Kyle Dowdy, Tommy DeJuneas

They’re not on the loser’s list because these trades won’t help them. These trades might send them to the World danged Series. The Indians’ bullpen was a mess, and they got two low-cost relievers with loads of team control. That’s a net positive.

It cost them one of their best prospects, though, and it came after an offseason where the Indians let several relievers go and replaced them with wishes and hopes and dreams. That’s not to say that Bryan Shaw and Boone Logan have been good, because they haven’t. But their plan was something like, “Neil Ramirez and Matt Belisle and uh we’ll get back to you,” and it cost them Mejia.

If it helps them even reach the World Series, it’s a successful trade. But it sure seems like one that could have been at least partially avoided with just a modicum of urgency this offseason.

It was a reasonable trade deadline strategy, sure, but it was also a strange offseason for a team that’s so close.

Diamondbacks

Acquired: Eduardo Escobar, Matt Andriese, Brad Ziegler, Jake Diekman

Traded: RHP Jhoan Duran, OF Gabriel Maciel, OF Ernie De La Trinidad, Brian Shaffer, Michael Perez, Tommy Eveld, Wei-Chieh Huang

It’s a lot of talent for underwhelming players. Eduardo Escobar might have figured out how to be more than a super-sub at the age of 29, but the seven years of an 89 OPS+ that came before it leave me skeptical. Andriese is the best example of Just A Guy in baseball right now, right down to the 4.36 ERA, and Ziegler is an old friend suffering through an erratic season.

Most of these players are trending in the right direction, but as a deadline strategy? I want something bolder if I’m a Diamondbacks fan. These are the kinds of moves I would expect from a team like the Red Sox or Astros, teams with recent success that are running away with their respective divisions.

A team like the Diamondbacks, scrapping with three teams and without a championship since Juan Soto was an infant, should seek out trades with just a teensy bit more oomph. These players should help, so I’m probably being overly nitpicky, but with a team like this, I want EXPLOSIONS.

Rockies

Acquired: Seunghwan Oh

Traded: Forest Wall, Chad Spanberger, player to be named later

The team that spent the offseason building the Super Bullpen of Great Fortune had to go get a reliever because their plan failed. Not only did they have to get a reliever, but they got one they could have had for a pittance throughout the entire offseason.

If this isn’t a textbook lesson in bullpen construction, I don’t know what is. There are lot of ways to build a bullpen, but I’m pretty sure that throwing money at it is the absolute worst one.

Pirates

Acquired: Not Gerrit Cole

Traded: Gerrit Cole

But, yeah, go get that late-inning reliever for this year and the next. That’ll shore things up.

NEVER MIND.

Acquired: Chris Archer, Keone Kela

Traded: Tyler Glasnow, Austin Meadows, Taylor Hearn, players to be named later

This is the year they’re taking risks. This is the year they trade huge pieces of a potential future. This is the deadline where they vault ahead of their competition. The one where they’re seven freaking games back in the NL Central. The one after they traded Gerrit Cole for magic beans.

Let’s check in with the deadline action in 2014, when they actually made the postseason.

July 31, 2014

Selected Angel Sanchez off waivers from the Chicago White Sox.

What about 2013, when they won 94 games?

July 31, 2013

Traded player to be named to the Seattle Mariners. Received Robert Andino.

They did get J.A. Happ in 2015, and that was more inspired than anyone gave them credit for at the time. But this is the year to go bananas?

To be fair, though, if you’re going to go after a pitcher, one who has an owner-friendly contract is the way to go. Archer will be around for the next three years if the Pirates want him, so I don’t begrudge the Pirates for thinking he fits some sort of window for them. And if you’re making me bet on the cumulative WAR for Archer over the next three years and the cumulative WAR for Austin Meadows and Tyler Glasnow, I will probably choose Archer. If Meadows had boffo power or plate discipline, I’d be giddy about him, but he’s just shy on both fronts, and Glasnow has been erratic.

Still, it’s the timing that gets me, even if the trade might work out.

YOU’RE TAKING RISKS NOW?

NOW?

Astros

Acquired: Ryan Pressly, Roberto Osuna, Tommy DeJuneas, Martin Maldonado

Traded: Ken Giles, David Paulino, Gilberto Celestino, Jorge Alcala, Hector Perez, Patrick Sandoval, James Hoyt, their self-respect

Their bullpen is more talented now. Congratulations, Astros. Osuna can really wing it.

When I talked to people who worked for the Astros last year, I asked what about the team is it that they would want to read about. My answer was that the clubhouse was a diverse wonderland of ebullient personalities, one of the most cohesive teams ever assembled. So I wrote about it. They won the World Series. I was raised not to go overboard on the clubhouse stuff, but last year’s team sure got me wondering ...

Then they acquired a pitcher serving the second-longest suspension for domestic violence under the new rules. The ace pitcher clearly isn’t enthused, even as he tries to be a good employee. The Yankees acquired a reliever in the middle of a domestic violence suspension, and then they traded him for one of the best prospects in the game before giving themselves a better chance to win the World Series. So if you want to be cynical, you can look at this purely in baseball terms.

There were other relievers, but the Astros settled on Osuna because he was a buy-low guy. That’s extremely cynical.

Gross. And very much against the spirit of what got them their first championship. We’ll see how receptive the clubhouse is to a player who still has a court case pending because he allegedly did some repugnant shit.

Brewers

Acquired: Jonathan Schoop, Mike Moustakas, Joakim Soria

Traded: Jonathan Villar, Luis Ortiz, Jean Carlos Carmona, Brett Phillips, Jorge Lopez, Kodi Medeiros, Wilber Perez

I don’t hate these trades in isolation. I hate them only because the Brewers now have an overstuffed infield, but they’re still counting on Wade Miley to shore up the rotation. Maybe he’ll have a 2.01 ERA forever.

RON HOWARD: Get the fuck out of here.

Yeah, I’m not a believer in Miley, and neither is the narrator. The Brewers adding to their already formidable bullpen depth was smart. Getting one more infielder was necessary. Getting two, but not a starting pitcher?

Dunno. Not what I would have done. We’ll see if the post-deadline waiver madness helps them in this regard, but I would have loved to see them with Archer instead of the Pirates.

A’s

Acquired: Jeurys Familia

Traded: Will Toffey, Bobby Wahl

The A’s are good, dang it. I wanted more. I wanted a sign to the clubhouse that the A’s are capital-G, capital-F, and Capital-I Going For It. I wanted a starting pitcher kicking down the door and screaming, “COME WITH ME IF YOU WANT TO LIVE ... IN A WORLD WHERE I PITCH SIX OR SEVEN STRONG INNINGS REGULARLY.”

Instead the A’s got a reliever. A good one! At a reasonable price! But I was looking for something more when it comes to the rotation, not to mention some help for poor, lost Jonathan Lucroy behind the plate.

The A’s probably aren’t in a spot to go all-in on this year’s surprising (TO SOME) contender, and I get that. But something a little bit more than a setup man would have been nice. This fun, scrappy team deserved it.

Giants

Acquired: Nope

Traded: Nah

Will Smith is absolutely dominant right now. Of all the relievers who were traded, Smith would have been the best one. Teams are clamoring for someone just like him — a lefty who can dominate hitters from either side of the plate and is under team control for next year, too. He would have brought back a hefty return.

The Giants are holding on to him, and they’ll use him to finish .500 this year, with some crossed fingers for next year.

That’s what the Giants had to trade, though. They had relievers, with Smith, Tony Watson, and Sam Dyson all having strong years. This isn’t like their mess from the offseason, where they couldn’t even hold a fire sale if they wanted to. All they had to do is trade relievers.

It���s been extremely nice to watch a team with a competent bullpen, so I get it. But the Giants are climbing out of the bottom of the organizational rankings, and one of the golden rules of building a farm system is that when you have a chance to flip relievers for prospects, you do it.

The Giants declined. They’re five games out of the second wild card, so maybe I’m the dummy. I have a feeling, though, that it would have been an exciting return for Will Smith.

Red Sox

Acquired: Ian Kinsler, Nathan Eovaldi

Traded: Williams Jerez, Ty Buttrey, Jalen Beeks

OK. Sure. Whatever. That seems nice. Kinsler has a glove, and the bat won’t kill you. Eovaldi is still working his way back from Tommy John, and he’s always had great stuff. The Red Sox are a million games over .500 are are making the postseason regardless.

OK. Sure. These are reasonable, if boring, moves.

Not everybody is a winner or loser, dammit.

Braves

Acquired: Adam Duvall, Kevin Gausman, Jonny Venters

Traded: Lucas Sims, Matt Wisler, Preston Tucker, international bonus money

Duvall still has some believers, especially if you believe in the batted-ball stats. Gausman has a solid arm that’s always been behind his results. Maybe he’ll be better served with a different coaching staff and a ballpark that isn’t unfair to fly balls.

OK. Sure. These are reasonable, if boring, moves.

Not everybody is a winner or loser, dammit.

White Sox

Acquired: Kodi Medeiros, Wilber Perez

Traded: Joakim Soria

Always take fliers on relievers when you’re a rebuilding team. Always, always, always. Pay the extra millions. Insert yourself into the offseason deals. Then turn around and wish for a happy trade-deadline raffle ticket to pay off.

Still, these are reasonable, if boring, moves.

Not everybody is a winner or loser, dammit.

Phillies

Acquired: Asdrubal Cabrera, Wilson Ramos, Aaron Loup

Traded: Franklyn Kilome, Jacob Waguespack, PsTBNL

No Machado. No Archer. No flashy win-now pieces, no flashy win-later pieces. Just a couple of guys who could have been solid deadline moves nearly a decade ago, too.

OK. Sure. These are reasonable, if boring, moves.

Not everybody is a winner or loser, dammit.

It’s hard to judge the Ramos trade without knowing the prospects going back to the Rays, but it seems like a light price. I have no idea how the A’s, Red Sox, or even Nationals couldn’t meet it.

Cubs

Acquired: Cole Hamels, Brandon Kintzler, Jesse Chavez

Traded: Jhon Romero, Ricky Tyler Thomas, Eddie Butler, Rollie Lacy, PTBNL

Hamels got his swing-and-miss back, and there are reasons to believe that he’s still a more valuable contributor than his Texas stats suggest. They added depth in the bullpen, and you wouldn’t be wrong to think that Yu Darvish coming back is like the real deadline addition.

They’re rich. They’re young. They’re good. Sure, add the pricey veteran. Take him for a spin.

These are reasonable, if boring, moves.

Not everybody is a winner or loser, dammit.

Reds

Acquired: Lucas Sims, Matt Wisler, Preston Tucker

Traded: Adam Duvall

I’m stuck in 2014, so this seems like a fantastic package of prospects to me. Mostly, though, I like how they took a chance by trading on a cheap, under-control player who was not hitting, which limited the return. The Reds have outfielders coming out of their ears; it was a risk they could afford to take, even if it was a little bit of a buy-low trade.

The Reds have made an interesting roster out of hardly noticed trades (just look up who they got in return for Alfredo freaking Simon), and this could be a fine addition to the legacy.

This is a reasonable, if boring, move.

Not everybody is a winner or loser, dammit. Except for the Reds, who definitely aren’t winners these days, ha ha, just a little joke as I near the end of this hellpost.

Nationals

Acquired: Jhon Romero

Traded: Brandon Kintzler

There were whispers about Bryce Harper getting traded, but in the end, the Nationals traded nothing but a complementary bullpen piece, and they acquired several future moments of autocorrect-inspired confusion.

Good. They probably should have dealt Gio Gonzalez and possibly a couple of other short-timers, but at least they made a rational move, while keeping intact their desire to build a young outfield of the gods.

This is a reasonable, if boring, move.

Not everybody is a winner or loser, dammit.

Dope article from sbnation.com

[junker-town]

Every team in the MLB postseason, ranked

Let’s take stock of the rooting situation before the Wild Card games.

After a wild final weekend for the National League in which the spoilers failed to do their jobs at all, resulting in two Game 163s that were also exciting, all of the 2018 postseason teams are finally locked in. That took long enough. RIP Cardinals.

So now that we not only know which teams are in the playoffs but their opening round positions as well, we’re going to rank each team for a fun yet completely arbitrary list of who to root for this postseason.

We already covered a ranking of every possible World Series matchup elsewhere on this fun site, so this isn’t dependent on who the teams are playing in any given round. This is just based on the levels of fun and rootability of each team, with points removed for any racist logos or alleged domestic abusers they might have hanging around. Every round, I’ll update these rankings based on the events of the previous round.

Feel free to yell at me about the rankings in the comments, but know in advance I won’t care and also probably won’t remember my ranking logic and reasoning by the time you get around to complaining. It’s the postseason, let’s have fun.

10. Cubs

The Cubs are ... sigh. They haven’t been especially fun this year, and that’s before the Addison Russell situation flared up again (which the team handled poorly) or they traded for Daniel Murphy (which the team also handled poorly). Cole Hamels is doing alright, so that’s fine. And, oh boy, is Javy Báez a lot of fun. Anthony Rizzo and Kris Bryant remain their enjoyable Bryzzo selves even through slumps and injuries.

But other than that, the Cubs aren’t really a team you’re drawn to this postseason. Even some Cubs fans are having a bit of trouble supporting the team right now because of the aforementioned poorly handled player situations. They just won a World Series, so they’ll be fine without any extra fans on their side.

9. Indians

Besides José Ramírez and Francisco Lindor’s bats, one of which has been very sleepy heading into this postseason, the Indians don’t have a ton to latch on to this year. Gone is the team that rattled off an AL record of consecutive wins with a lineup to be feared.

Now they have Corey Kluber sans beard, Trevor Bauer rejoining the roster in time for the playoffs, and a racist logo they won’t drop and which some fans will still be wearing throughout their postseason run. All of that and every other team in the American League race is more fun by one metric or another. Just not a great year to latch on to Cleveland, there are better options.

8. Astros

One of those options is the Astros. They just won so there’s no desperation in their hunt, which is why they’re this low on the list, but they still have people like Jose Altuve, George Springer, and Alex Bregman being joyful on the field and in the dugout.

Yet where the “they could repeat as champs!” bonus should push them a little higher on this ranking, the “they traded for a domestic abuser at the deadline while he was still suspended by the league and court proceedings were ongoing, then pretended they still had a zero tolerance policy” thing cancels that bump out. At least watching Justin Verlander ruin batters’ lives throughout the postseason will still be fun, which is always an upside.

7. Brewers

The Brewers are ... fine. They’re fine! There’s nothing to really root against here other than Josh Hader succeeding in any way, shape, or form in October. Yet when you think about it there’s not really something to root for either besides Christian Yelich continuing to be a force to be reckoned with at the plate.

That Craig Counsell’s success with this Milwaukee team is a shock is a bit of a backhanded compliment but it also explains why they’re not the most enticing team to root for this year. Congrats to Jonathan Schoop for getting out of Baltimore? Mike Moustakas and Eric Thames still exist? Zach Davies still seems cool? Not much to work with. Sorry, Brew Crew.

6. Rockies

Rockies fans are going to be mad at me that they’re this low and that’s OK. But the Rockies end-of-season push can only place them so high in entertainment value and there’s no overarching story or theme that makes them more enticing to root for than the teams above them.

Nolan Arenado, Charlie Blackmon, CarGo, and German Márquez are all nice and fun and entertaining. Their pitching has mostly avoided the Coors Field Curse (hello, Kyle Freeland’s 2.85 ERA) and they’re more or less completely inoffensive as a team to get behind. They’re definitely the team most likely to move up these rankings as the postseason goes on though.

5. Yankees

A healthy Aaron Judge, pitching that runs very hot and very cold in the same game, 100 wins without winning the division, and the single-season home run record. The Yankees are good, and they are entertaining, but they are also the New York Yankees and if you are looking for a team to root for because you don’t have one I can’t in good conscience recommend them.

Yet, similar to last year, they’re a fun Yankees team. So I also can’t be mad if you decide you’d like to bandwagon them right now. You’d be wrong and unoriginal, but I’d at least understand. They’re most likely to launch up these rankings if it ends up being a Yankees-Cubs World Series or something. Oh god, can you even imagine?

4. Red Sox

The Red Sox are fun for the same reason the Yankees are (young stars, lots of dingers, facing their biggest rivals in the opening round) with the added bonus of being historically good. “They had to paint new number panels for the scoreboard” good is a type of good you don’t get to see that often.

They have two MVP candidates in Mookie Betts and J.D. Martinez, Chris Sale remains magical even in a slightly down year for the ace, and they have other young, entertaining guys like Rafael Devers, Jackie Bradley Jr., Andrew Benintendi, and Xander Bogaerts. But they are still the Red Sox and that’s understandably a tough pill to swallow for many people.

They also just won a World Series in 2013 (and two more before that, of course) so they wouldn’t come close to qualifying as an underdog even if they didn’t win 108 games. Boston is this year’s “wow are they fun to watch play baseball but no one wants them to actually win any games” team. Which is fair.

3. Dodgers

The Dodgers are this high by their sheer howdidtheyevengethere quality. If you put the Dodgers’ howdidtheyevengethere in a town’s water supply it would immediately qualify as unsafe levels for humans to consume. Their pitching situation alone should be classified as toxic waste.

For a team that barely made it to the postseason, they could also easily win the whole thing and avenge 2017’s seven game loss.

If they can get out of their own way of course. Which makes them way more interesting than many teams on this list. They are neither an underdog nor a steamroller, they are both. They are every possible outcome for a playoff team at any given time. They are so entertaining because they could swing between farcical and world beating within a two inning span.

2. A’s

The A’s have this weird thing going on where they are really fun as a team but when you break them into individual entities they’re not as purely awesome. Khris Davis won the home run title this year and is by all accounts very nice but could you identify one awesomely fun thing he did this season besides hit dingers?

Matt Olson and Matt Chapman are both defensive marvels and Olson can rake, but the most entertaining thing about the both of them is pointing at the screen and saying “that’s Chappie” when Chapman does something impressive. Jed Lowrie will always be Jed Lowrie, and we love him for it. But there’s also no one unsavory on this team and besides their ongoing ballpark situation ownership is doing a decent job of hiding all of the things that make people dislike baseball owners.

Their last World Series win was in 1989, long enough ago that it’s definitely a drought that we want them to end, and they’re gone through more than enough down seasons since then that the desire for them to win it all is boosted accordingly.

1. Braves

The Braves are at the opposite spectrum of the Cubs, and they’re here because in a lot of ways they are the opposite of this year’s Chicago squad. They haven’t won a World Series since 1995, which is long enough we can call it a drought and say it would be fun if they ended it, they’re ahead of schedule in their rebuild rather than battling a closing window so there’s not much downside if they don’t win it this year, and they’re fun.

They’re so much fun! Between Freddie Freeman, Ronald Acuña, Jr., and Ozzie Albies, they have players that electrify games and force you to root for their happiness just through sheer charisma and talent. Thanks to the Phillies not living up to their rebuild promise this year and the Nationals being the Nationals, the Braves are in the postseason and poised to do something special thanks to a mix of talent and blind confidence.

If your team gets eliminated before the World Series and you’re looking for a group to invest in, you can’t do much worse than the Atlanta Braves. Bandwagon away. Just don’t look at the Tomahawk Chop and taxpayer money used to pay for their unnecessary new field behind the curtain.