#nobody gaf but it’s on my mind!! ok!!!!

[bakedbananners]

im calling it we’re getting the max is a medium reveal a la fooly cooly ep 3

#nobody gaf but it’s on my mind!! ok!!!! #no listen to me. i swear to god the parallels are not coincidental #naota and his dad are eerily similar to max and his dad… #and the baseball motif?? hello? #pnat #paranatural #max puckett #paranatural spoilers #me talking

[sunflowerkiwis]

heyy wife i was wondering if you could do a smau of charles leclerc x southern reader. like gorgeous, blonde, uf or fsu student, sports broadcasting major, sorority girl, but she has like a claire monroe or sadie crowell type of vibe. she's a freshman and she takes him to a game, frat parties, and waffle house (waffle house is very important). they get a lot of hate, because the pairing is so unexpected and the age gap. but then he like posts her to lyrics from southern girls by tim mcgraw

Southern Girl

charles leclerc x reader requested - i hope this is what you wanted love feedback is appreaciated + requests are open! enjoy xx

yourusername

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yourusername it's game day, say it with me

tagged: charles_leclerc, fsufootball, yourfriend1, yourfriend2, yourfriend3

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yourfriend2 looking gorgeous😍

charles_leclerc ❤💛

user01 charles, honey... user03 what?? user01 don't you think their relationship's kinda weid?? i mean she IS nineteen user05 hey, university of stfu called, they're asking for you. i think it's none of our business

logansargeant go semicircles, or whatever

yourusername seminoles😐

yourfriend1 you did awesome!!

yourusername thanks babeee

user07 she's so pretty 😭

user09 if i were charles, i too would not gaf about the world and date her

charles_leclerc

liked by yourusername, logansargeant, and 1,032,146 others

charles_leclerc the beaches are nice, but you're better❤⛱

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yourusername i love you charlie <3

charles_leclerc je t'aime ma cheri user11 they way you can tell they're genuinely happy, i don't understand why they get so much hate just living their lives :')

logansargeant yeah, yeah, you're in love, we get it🙄

yourusername you're just bitter bc nobody wants u logansargeant i most absolutely am not yourusername someone's jealousss logansargeant of you? never. user21 IN MY BOOK YN AND LOGAN ARE BEST FRIENDS AND YOU CANT CHANGE MY MIND FIGHT ME

liked by yourusername

yourusername

liked by charles_leclerc, yourfriend2, and 598,435 others

yourusername and now we party

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pierregasly oh god, please bring him back alive

landonorris or just... y'know, don't bring him back at all yourusername pierre, your boyfriend will be fine pierregasly just making sure

yourfriend3 he picked her up and we never saw her again... legend has it they're still taking pictures in the kitchen

liked by yourusername

yourusername 💀💀

user27 something about this still doesn't sit right with me...

user39 right? it was just so sudden and unusual. still love them tho user19 she's so young though user71 omg look at that, nobody asked

charles_leclerc that pizza looks amazing

user13 sure charles... the pizza...

logansargeant wowww hanging out without me. i see how it is.

user25 top ten betrayals in f1 history logansargeant right???

logansargeant added to their story!

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yourusername you're unbearable <3 logansargeant you two are disgusting <3 yourusername deal with it <3

yourusername added to their story!

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yourusername

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yourusername baby's sixty-first waffle house trip 🤧🥹

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yourusername yes, logan, we got you some

logansargeant oh you're gonna make me cry logansargeant best best friend i could ask for

charles_leclerc and it was just like all the other sixty times

yourusername amazing? charles_leclerc sure logansargeant "sure"???? dump him. yourusername charles? 🤨 charles_leclerc it was great love logansargeant hm, he's ok ig🙄

yourfriend1 some things will never change 😂

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logansargeant

liked by yourusername, charles_leclerc, and 309,856 others

logansargeant she brought me waffles!

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yourusername sir, who gave you permission to post that

pierregasly looking great, yn

yourusername shut up, gasoline

user17 if your best friend doesn't get you food even though she was out with her boyfriend buying food for themselves and you're piggybacking off their relationship bc they're your parents, is she even your best friend?

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logansargeant a true friend yourusername always

yourusername

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yourusername my pretty boy ❤

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user61 they're so cute😭

charles_leclerc mon amour❤

yourusername ❤❤

user01 she's too young for him

user87 right? it's so weird user93 literally go away. it's their relationship not yours. stfu.

logansargeant ew

logansargeant no

logansargeant delete this immeadiately

logansargeant i have to go bleach my eyes

yourusername omg you're such a drama queen user77 i'm sorry but thE WAY HE LOOKS AT HER???? user55 my mans is whipped

yourusername added to their story!

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charles_leclerc

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charles_leclerc kisses sweeter than tupelo honey... southern girl rock my world, hazel eyes and golden curls. ❤.

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#f1 grid x reader #f1 x reader #charles leclerc #charles leclerc fanfic #charles leclerc x you #charles leclerc x reader #charles leclerc x female reader #charles leclerc x yn #charles leclerc smau #f1 smau #f1 fanfic #formula 1 smau #formula 1 fanfic #formula 1 #thanks anon!

[chaosismynamemf]

Here are headcanons bc i decided im not going to wait for someone to ask for them bc im not a wuss PT. 1

I SAID IT BEFORE AND ILL SAY IT AGAIN

REGULUS ARCTURUS BLACK IS REALLY FUCKING TALL

Remus and lily are also pretty tall

James and sirius are short kings

peter's average height and hes chill with that

hes also carries himself really like idk proper? idk. He just unconsciously has really good posture. its so fuckin elegant (Bc you KNOW that shit was drilled into him asap. sirius was the same way i think lol. I think my mans literally trained himself to slouch.)

ALSO- I regulus has autism (ik its a popular hc but idc if its popular i agree with it and i love everyone being nd and gay and pwinpiwnpinqfp I NEED REPRESENTATION ALR??)

Reg also has bipolar disorder and anxiety ptsd and depression

Sirius has bpd and ocd and ptsd bc i have bpd and ocd and i said so

james has adhd

remus has depression and anxiety

peter is the token nt friend lmao once again hes just chillin

hes vv supportive tho and is as helpful as he can be you wont catch him slippin and being ignorant and weird about his friends and they mental illness. Nuh-uh no sir.

Ok so i dunno much about the slytherin skittles or like Marlene, dorcus (is she apart of slytherin skittles?? idk man) ,mary, etc etc

But i see them everywhere in the fandom sooooo yall best be aware ive gotten attached to these fuckers

Marlene

She is SO FUCKIN HOT

Gods

So hot

She could step on me

Her and sirius are besties. Leather jacket duo if you will.

OK BUT REGULUS IN PLATFORMS???

Just thought of that and i am in love

Ugh this man is my everything

i honestly just wanna be his best friend

deadass

but anyways

i actually like the idea of regulus and sirius having similar music tastes and exchanging music reccs

dont come at me lmao

Literally reggie and sirius are just 2 sides of the same coin

this post is getting really fuckin long. BUT IDC

i wanna talk about my VERY MUCH ALIVE AND WELL AND HAPPY gay wizards

i dont know much about other cultures or anything like that.

so im not gonna go willy nilly and assign a bunch of headcanons on race or ethnicity or whatever

but i am TELLING YOU, YEA YOU

my wizard babies were not all white

We can all agree on this yes?

james has a little bump on the bridge of his nose.

And dimples

regulus and sirius getting drunk would either be really really funny or really really depressing

There is no in between

regulus is the type to not heavily drink all too often but when he does? my mans is blackout

the next morning? he dont know shit, legit if he DOES remember anything? hes like "mustve been a funky dream"

Yes regulus says funky

i honestly dont gaf that marauders era is set in like the 70's

Regulus deadass acts like gen Z incarnated, and you wouldnt be able to snatch this from my cold dead hands

even then i wouldnt let go

id wake up to bitch slap you

bitch

ANYWAYS

I think that regulus has like really explosive anger and sirius actually has like the quiet, you know im angry, what'cha gonna do about it?

my logic is that regulus has for the longest time kept all of his emotions and opinions to himself bc he literally couldnt express them because he was barely surviving as is

regulus speaking his mind about anything would be suicide

Now the opposite is for sirius ofc

sirius from pretty early got to scream and shout what he thought and felt until he lost his voice

He got a lot of it out of his system

he hasnt HAD to bottle up enough anger to be explosive

Also jus sayin i set all of this in a everyone lives, nobody dies universe

voldemort is killed in the 1st war because regulus survived the cave and ended up on Order of the phoenix's doorstep bein like

"Let me in, i got sum shit to tell you"

Man's is soaking wet and has a look so intense noone can tell him no

And so my mans joins the order and ends the war MUCH MUCH EARLIER

pop off buddy

love ya, mean it

nobody really trusted him at first

and i mean it

regulus was vv alienated at first (Not by dorcus, but dorcus is only one person and cant keep the caution and disgust and animosity away completely)

and you know what??

He was hurt he was angry he was depressed and he was so so over this shit

So he screamed until he was hoarse and told them to get their heads outta their asses bc he was here to help and here to stay

he knows he fucked up and he is self aware to know that he couldve been called the "bad guy" on many occasions

but that doesnt fuckin matter anymore because hes apart of their little hero club now and he is not being shunned just because he was a dumb kid who made mistakes

long story short my dudes like "SO-if you're going to talk shit, either say it to my face or keep quiet. ight?"

vv quickly after that people choose to keep quiet and actually yknow interact with him and see for themselves that he is not the boogie man hiding under their bed waiting to fuck them over.

I love angry, unhinged, doesnt gaf anymore regulus

Hes been through too much to be calm cool and collected towards people who he doesnt give a shit about (i mean he will but still)

ANYWAYS (can you tell i have adhd? if not i vv much am)

Regulus yanks his school besties (Even and barty) away from voldemort. I think my mans straight up yoinked them.

after the war he reaches out to pandora

this is getting really long so i will make another part lmao

LOOK YOU CANT BLAME ME

these characters couldve been so dynamic and complex

and jkr ROBBED US

#jkr is trash #i hate her #anyways #I love my dead gay wizards #Except they aren't dead :) #jegulus headcanon #james x regulus #james & peter & remus & sirius #peter pettigrew #regulus #sirius and regulus #marauders era #harry potter fandom #regulus headcanon #regulus being regulus #regulus and evan and barty #regulus deserved better #black brothers

[1892]

okay nobody care but.

happier than ever billie eilish take:

it's difficult to listen to an album like jazzmatazz and follow it up with anything that's not exceptional, so maybe i made a mistake in how i ordered the listens for today LMAO! a bit overproduced, her whispery soft vocals used to work a lot more for me, but on this it unfortunately sounds kinda one note. her lyricism has undoubtedly improved, and this is DEF her most personal and intimate album to date (considering what i've heard off wwafawdwg & my familiarity with her first album) butttt i just don't think it's anything close to perfect like, the critical reception of tons of perfect scores blew my mind...it kinda drags, it's a bit long, and i knew it wouldn't exactly be my thing but i wasn't expecting to find it so non distinctive. all the songs kinda blend together? despite not being super cohesive, (a lot of the songs have different atmospheres for sure), there's a unifying "eh" to all of it . she has certain songs that sound like they'd fit better on previous albums, and the songs that sound divorced from those have much less singularity imo. also, i was talking about repetition on jazzmataz not bothering me, well on this album it bothered me. ah well. happens.. if nothing else, her second album was a marker & apt addition to that era of popular music. this album just isn't. if it wasn't billie eilish, no one would gaf. :////

fav songs:

lost cause

halley's comet

everybody dies

worst song:

nda (wtf was that autotune)

male fantasy (WTF WAS THAT WRITING)

5.5/10! it was OK. her voice is beautiful, and her writing is pretty okay, but... tldr; go girl give us nothing!!!!!

#music #okayyyy

[skinni-girls-eat-books]

Thursday, November 16th

8:30am I have one more big assignment and two more small assignments. It feels impossible and I'm so tired. All I want to do is call my best friend but he won't answer. Just have to do this myself again. I'm extremely strong and resilient and I can't believe I made it to this point.

3:30pm I survived Verbal Defense! I did it! I am really proud of myself for everything I have survived this semester! It's raining really hard which is fucking up my vibe and shit but the rain will stop eventually! I'm like shaking from all the overflow of emotions. This semester took so much from me, out of me, really just beat me tf up. My life has been a trainwreck for so long. I just want peace. I just want to calm the persistent anxiety that's been propping me up for months. I just want to rest my mind. I'm literally shaking from the release of stress. Stress is so undeniable physical and just wrecks your body in so many ways. It's time to rest and heal. You've been through so much trauma the past few months and here you are, still alive, still strong. Don't ignore the trauma you experienced but it's time to heal and grow and begin another chapter, not ignoring the previous chapters, but building off of the lessons learned. We go on.

4pm Just remember that most people don't gaf what you do bro just don't hurt anyone and ur good. I just put fish sticks in the oven and popped open a mojito and I'm chilling until I change my mind and want to do something else.

4:20pm I feel like I can finally process what has happened to me. School put me in survival mode and now I'm free to heal. Yeah I'm crying when I should be feeling nothing but joy. I'm crying bc I didn't get the chance to when I was just trying to survive. I went through so much having my trust broken and my life ripped out from under me. I am traumatized but I'll heal. I know I will. This will pass and then I'll feel the joy of my success. It was all mine and all my hard work. I'm seriously proud of myself and I'll say it 1000x ❤️

4:40pm added image of my fish sticks bc it makes me happy that I'm feeding myself

5:00pm intrusive thoughts but wow I can't believe I didn't kll myself this semester I'm so proud :)

5:10pm I made green beans sauteed in the pan instead of the microwave 🥰 I love myself and I know I am worth so much and I know I can take care of myself when I'm not insanely stressed with school. I'll find myself again in no time ❤️ it's like a dark storm cloud has lifted from above my head

7:47pm I woke up from a nap and my stomach hurts lol I think I made the green beans too oily/buttery but it's ok! Haha. I need to clean out my fridge and get some me foods in here. I haven't gone grocery shopping in ages. Everything is probably freezer burnt tbh but that's ok! You were just trying your best ❤️

I have rented Silence of the Lambs and I think I will take a Tums and have some Sprite and some ice cream and rest some more ❤️

9:25pm ok so I had a finish an assignment that nobody wanted to do so I took one for the team and did it 💕 the Tums helped tremendously and now it's movie time :) I'm glad I don't feel like I'm about to shit myself anymore so that actually worked out 😂

9:49pm physical feelings/ sensations have such a profound impact on my mental status. Seeing something gross or feeling physical pain just send me into a spiral. I would like to know how to work on this more. I think the best thing to do for now is to focus on what I can control in my surroundings.

1am lol ok I ended up not watching the movie and that's ok! MasterChef marathon ftw. Got both my little boys laying on the couch with me ❤️

Woke up and I started thinking about being in a relationship and about him or whatever but I'm not really sad. I think I'm asexual or like really minimally sexual. Idk what it is but like I enjoy people for so much more than sex? Like I want to have a connection with you first and then that will follow. Idk how people just be out here jumping and dumping 😂 it's just a waste of time for me. Long story short, I'm not seeking out another relationship rn so it's hard for me to even feel sexual really. Maybe it's a trauma thing or a stress thing, I really don't know. I do know I can't be the only one who feels this way and that's ok ❤️

2am I think I have autism and yeah I mean I thought of it before but then it's like 🤷‍♀️ ok and? And yeah I just think it explains a lot of things about me. But it's like I don't know what to do with that information lol.

[ersonist]

Not SW related rant, feel free to ignore it, I just need to get it off my chest.

RAS should hire me to write for Riverdale. I have literally zero experience, English isn’t even my first language and yet I’m pretty sure I’d deliver better script than what I’ve seen so far this season. What’s the point in having more episodes if you have no idea how to pace your fucking story? I don’t even remember last time a tv show felt this rushed and this dragged-out at once. And don’t even get me started on inconsistent characters (or the fact that we’re somehow in the summertime now? I don’t even... Would them wearing winter coats ruin the ~aesthetic?). Or the sheer idiocy of every “mystery” this season. Suspension of disbelief, my arse. Same goes for choppy, poor editing. This is some “first time playing with Windows Movie Maker circa 2002″ level of shit. I’m gonna do a HDTGM comment but is Riverdale actually a Jacob’s Ladder scenario? Is it all just dying Jughead’s blurry-nonsensical-all mixed up memories playing out? He just remembers certain events and fills in the blanks w/ whatever comes to his decaying mind?

And finally when I hoped for Friends like evolution of Bughead I meant Monica/Chandler, not fucking Ross/Rachel.

ETA: ok apparently I need to add this as it’s not clear for some. While I admit I’m extremely underwhelmed by how Bughead is handled this season, my rage comes primarily from the pacing of this season and the quality of its writing. Shorter seasons generally mean tighter storylines. Longer seasons should let the writers explore deeper the characters they’ve created. Both are great. It’s a different way of approaching a story. My problem with Riverdale as it currently stands is how instead of actually focusing on a mystery introduced in S1 finale, it has managed to toss in a dozen of other subplots that add absolutely nothing of value to the narrative. It’s heavy-handed. It’s amateurish. It’s micromanaging of a story that could’ve flowed naturally if kept a bit simpler. The characters can’t evolve within this storyline because we’re constantly flip-flopping between newly introduced issues. Dark!Archie? Cool. Give him rightfully so PTSD. You can explore it beautifully without cringe-worthy jerk circles that lead nowhere anyway. Introducing Sugarman? Cool. Could be an interesting villain. How about you don’t introduce him for all of 25 minutes and wrap it w/ a character nobody gaf about. Want Bughead angst? Cool. There are literally dozen potential conflicts that could tear them apart (and for longer than one lousy episode). There’s no need to go for the laziest one. Last season we had Jason’s murder. Literally every dramatic subplot was directly linked to it. This season? We have a serial killer, rival gangs, drugs, class wars, attempted rape, car races, etc. Choose your fucking focus point, show. Your characters don’t grow within this many criss-crossing storylines. They’re muddled and distorted instead.

#bughead #countdown to losing the few followers i still have left lol #feels good to say that tho #i was so excited for this season too #and now i literally hate watch it #spoilers #i guess?

[waterlilyvioletfog]

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 5: Eastwatch, A Summary, Warning: Full Spoilers. (You didn’t want to be spoiled? Well sorry, KAREN.)

Me: ... If Jaime doesn’t come back I’ll fucking murder you. 

Bronn: *bursts out of the water* 

Jaime: *bursts out of the water* 

Me: Oh thank god. 

Bronn: wHy ThE fUcK DiD yOu ChArGe A dRaGoN?!?!?!? 

Jaime: Because I’m an idiot sandwich with a metric fuckton of PTSD. 

Bronn: NO MORE CHARGING DRAGONS. You’re NOT allowed to die! That fucking dragon isn’t allowed to kill you! You’re not allowed to kill you! YOU ARE HARRY AND I AM VOLDEMORT AND ONLY I CAN KILL YOU. EVER. 

-Meanwhile, Dany has “KILL THE UNBELIEVERS” still on her to-do list- 

Dany: Yo. Ben D. Knee. 

Lannister Soldiers: *still confused as they recover from severe smoke inhalation* 

Drogon: DID MOMMY STUTTER? BEND THE FUCKING KNEE! 

Lannister Soldiers: *get it now* 

Randyll: I made my bed, I’ll lie in it until I die. 

Dany: Fair warning, I will munch on your bones. 

Tyrion: *seriously concerned* Well, I guess you could join the Night’s Watch! 

Randyll: Did I fucking stutter bitch? DANY NOT MY QUEEN 2K17! 

Dickon: No wait! I’m a good son! 

Tyrion: We’ve already exterminated the Freys and the Tyrells this season, we don’t need to kill the Tarlys, too! You’re even more inconsequential! Bend The Knee like a good boy! 

Dickon: DID I FUCKING STUTTER BITCH? I’M A GOOD SOOOOOOONNNNNN. 

Tyrion: I hate you so much. 

Dany: *murders Dickon and Ranyll via Drogon, though admittedly she looks very sad and disappointed in them while doing it, so wtf are Tyrion and Varys worried about? Jeez. Jon Snow wields a sword. Gendry Waters wields a war hammer. Dany wields her dragons. Fact. What, did you think she was gonna pull out Longclaw and use it on them? Nah bitch. Nah.* 

-Meanwhile, in King’s Landing- 

Jaime: We’re fucked. 

Cersei: WE HAVE GOLD THO! 

Jaime: WE’RE FUCKED. THIS GIRL HAS DRAGONS. 

Cersei: Well, Dany won’t just let us go. Tyrion might try and get a redemption arc for murdering Joffrey and dad, but- 

Jaime: Olenna Tyrell told me that she murdered Joff, not Tyrion. 

Cersei: ... Tyrion ... did ... not ... kill ... Joffrey? DOES NOT COMPUTE. 

Jaime: It computes, darling. It computes. 

Jaime: Also, WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE. 

Cersei: THEN I’LL GO DOWN SCREAMING AND FIGHTING BECAUSE I’M CERSEI LANNISTER AND I AM EXTRA. 

-Meanwhile, there is ever more fresh hot goss at Dragonstone High- 

Jon: *brooding on the edge of a cliff, cape flapping in the wind, looking sexier as a sad-faced zombie than most people do in their entire lives* 

Drogon: HAI. MOMMY SAYS THAT YOU’RE MY NEW DAD. WE SHOULD PROBABLY HAVE SOME FATHER-SON BONDING TIME.

Jon: *pats Drogon’s head softly and probably offers to take him to a Mets game* 

Drogon: *purring* *thinking* *oh hai targaryen, you can pet me, it’s okay*

Dany: I am both bewildered and extremely aroused.  

Dany: WELL, you passed the kids test. 

Dany: Also, are you a zombie-

Jorah: HAI HONEY I’M HOME, I CAME BACK, DON’T YOU LO- 

Jon: Who the fuck is this bitch? 

Dany: Jorah! *hugs for her sweet bear/ bro friend, who is, btw, like three times her age in the books just as a gentle reminder* 

Jorah: DANY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *hugs his WIFEY, who is, btw, like a third of his age in the books just as another gentle reminder* 

Jon: wHaT tHe FuCk iS hApPeNiNg?!?!?!?!?!? 

-Meanwhile, Bran has to do SOMETHING this episode- 

Bran: *wargs into like a bajillion ravens so we can have some TRULY gorgeous shots this episode* 

Night King: HAAAIIIII BITCHES I’M ON THE WAYYYYY!!!!!! 

Bran: Oh fuck. 

Bran: GUYS WE HAVE A PROBLEM. 

-Meanwhile, we didn’t see Sam last episode so time for Citadel drama!- 

Maesters: *refuse to believe in shit people keep telling them is real which they have no reason to believe is real* 

Sam: UGH! Stupid maesters! LISTEN TO WHAT WE’RE TELLING YOU. 

Maesters: Sam, we’re skeptics, we’re not going to listen, don’t be stupid. 

Sam: I HATE YOU ALL. 

Maesters: Well that seems a tad unreasonable. 

-Meanwhile, there is ever more drama at Dragonstone- 

Tyrion: *trying to rationalize his behavior* 

Varys: Like, I know dragons are her thing and “FIRE AND BLOOD” is also her thing but like I didn’t think she meant it literally. Also, stop trying to rationalize your behavior, it makes you sound stupid.  

Tyrion: Well, at least she’s not as bad as her dad. 

Tyrion: ... So what’s in the raven. 

Varys: It’s a sealed scroll for the KitN. 

Tyrion: ... And? 

Varys: Fair point. It says the world’s going to end. 

Jon: MY SIBLINGS ARE ALIVE, YES. Also we’re all gonna die. 

Jon: *turns to Dany* Bitch, I’m going home. 

Dany: BUT YOU DON’T HAVE ENOUGH MEN! *internally screaming STAY STAY STAY* 

Jon: So give me some. 

Dany: Can’t do that. Cersei. 

Tyrion: Well, if we were to prove it to her she’d come north. We capture a wight, we can bring it south and show it to her. I can talk to Jaime, he can talk to Cersei, and boom! We have our proof. Davos can row me into KL. We just need someone to deal with the wildlings and acquire a wight.

Jorah: I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE. *screaming internally KHAAAALLLLLEEEESSSSIIIIIIII* 

Jon: *protective older brother instincts flair* *cockblocking instincts flair* The wildlings will never listen to you I WILL GO YES. 

Dany: YOU CAN’T GO, I’M HOLDING YOU HOSTAGE. *STAY STAY STAY*

Jon: Fuck you, I’m a king. *gives another inspiring speech about trusting strangers that makes Dany look REALLY small actually* I’M GOING.  

Dany: I hate you. But like, I also love you. 

-Meanwhile, in Winterfell, the showrunners are DICKS-  

Lords: WHERE IS JON. JON’S NOT HERE. CLEARLY WE WERE WRONG ABOUT ELECTING HIM AS LEADER. YOU SHOULD BE LEADER. 

Sansa: NERP. JON’S KING. DAT’S DA WAY IT IS. IN THIS HOUSE WE RESPECT JON SNOW. (except she said it politely and in such a way that contextless Arya and anti-Sansas can bitch about her plotting) 

Sansa: I did warn Jon. *sighs*

Arya: Those sons of bitches, plotting against Jon! We should cut off their heads! Not sit and listen politely! 

Sansa: Watching this show for six seasons has taught me one thing: beheading people who give you support because they dissented is a REALLY FUCKING BAD IDEA. Being polite to everyone means that nobody hates you and you don’t get red-wedding-ed. 

Arya: AHAH! I KNEW IT! You’re plotting against Jon, too! 

Sansa: Oh for Christ’s sake. Just go away and let me nurse my chamomile tea as I do actual work to help defend the North. 

-Meanwhile we have a quick trip to KL before we can go on our wight hunt- 

Jaime: *being a reasonable general* 

Bronn: Nope. You have too much family drama for any of that right now. 

Tyrion: Hi Jaime. Long time no see. 

Bronn: ... gonna step slowly away now... 

Jaime: You killed Dad. I hate you. 

Tyrion: That’s reasonable. But we do need to talk. Dany’s gonna win the war and you know it. 

Jaime: Cersei will never kneel. 

Tyrion: She doesn’t need to. We can have an armistice [you who don’t know what that is, it’s a cease-fire. It means I don’t like you and you don’t like me but we’re not allowed to fight because of reasons.] as long as she listens to us and doesn’t murder Jon.

Gendry: *exactly where we met him. huh. would’ve thought he was still rowing* 

Davos: Hi. 

Gendry: HAI DAVOS. YOU’RE HERE FOR A REASON. SIGN ME THE FUCK UP. 

Davos: But it’s dangerous- 

Gendry: I’VE BEEN GONE FOR FOUR SEASONS. I’M READY. I AM SOOO DONE WITH KING’S LANDING YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW. I HATE THE LANNISTERS. THEY KILLED DAD. [that’s kinda ooc of you to gaf gendry but ok] THEY TRIED TO KILL ME. 

Davos: Fine. Grab a sword. 

Gendry: Bitch, do I look like a fancy-ass knight to you? I’m a blacksmith, and a Baratheon. I’m using a goddamn hammer. 

Davos: *sighs* Kids these days. So fucking EXTRA. 

Davos: Okay, but don’t tell anyone Robert Baratheon was your dad. 

Trouble: *proceeds to appear in the form of gold cloaks, but Davos pays them off to shut up and then Tyrion turns up so Gendry smashes their brains in and we’re all just like “damn Gendry.”* 

Qyburn and Cersei: *plotting* 

Jaime: Hi. I just talked to Tyrion. 

Cersei: ...okay? 

Jaime: Dany wants an armistice. Because zombies are on the way. And apparently soon they’ll have proof for us. 

Cersei: Huh. Didn’t expect the conversation to be that but okay. 

Jaime: ??? 

Cersei: Oh sweetie. I know everything.  

Jaime: ?!?!?! 

Cersei: I want to talk to her. It’s in our immediate interest to have her leave us alone. But in the meantime, you should know that Imma kill everything in our way. Because I’M PREGNANT, Y’ALL!!! 

Jaime: ... am I the father? 

Cersei: Yup! AND we won’t hide it. 

Jaime: That’s a stupid idea. 

Cersei: DADDY TOLD US TO IGNORE THE BULLIES AND CRUSH OUR ENEMIES TO DUST 

Jaime: Fair point. *hugs Cersei* 

Cersei: *smiles and hugs back* Oh and don’t ever betray me again. 

Jaime: *thinking* *oh that’s riiiight, I fucked a crazy person* 

-Meanwhile, as always, there is drama on Dragonstone- 

Davos: DON’T TELL ANYONE THAT ROBERT BARATHEON WAS YOUR DAD. YOUR NAME IS CLOVIS.YOU’RE A SMITH. YOU’RE JUST HERE TO BE POLITE UNTIL YOU GO BE THE SMITH IN WINTERFELL. 

Gendry: Got it. 

Gendry: HAI JON SNOW. I’M GENDRY WATERZ AND I’M BOBBY B’S ILLEGITIMATE KID AND I’M HERE TO HELP YOU FUCK SHIT UP IN THE FAR NORTH. OUR DADS WERE BROS. WE CAN BE BROS TOO. 

Jon: ... You know how to wield a sword? 

Gendry: Nah. I wield a hammer. And I’m a badass. 

Jon: ... okay. 

Davos: Nobody mind me. All I’ve ever done is be the best person in existence and outlive literally everyone. Like, dude, I’m by far the oldest dude on this show. 

Tyrion: Bye Jorah. I missed you. Not even Grey Worm can glower quite as well as you. Though Jon Snow has you beat in the brooding sadface category. 

Dany: Good bye. 

Jorah: Bye Dany. *kisses her hand and walks away because he sees Jon and knows he has to prove something* 

Jon: Well. At least you won’t have to deal with me anymore if I die. 

Dany: Pls don’t die. I want your babies. 

Jon: ... okay. I’m still not your boyfriend though. *gives the trademarked goodbye which certified badasses give to people they respect* 

-Meanwhile we need to reveal important exposition- 

Gilly: *dithering on about boring ass shit* 

Sam: *annoyed at her dithering on and also at the maesters and also at everything ever in the entire world* 

Gilly: Oh, what does “annulment” mean? 

Sam: It means a divorce. 

Gilly: Huh. Says here that some Prince “Ragger” was given a divorce by the dude who wrote this book so that he could marry someone else in a secret ceremony in Dorne- 

Sam: *EXPLODES IN RAGE at Gilly because he’s annoyed even though she didn’t do anything wrong* THAT’S IT. WE’RE LEAVING. THE MAESTERS ARE TOO STUPID TO BE AROUND. 

Gilly: ... Okay? 

Sam: *steals some extra books* *grabs Gilly* *grabs little Sam* *steals a horse I think????* *leaves because he’s BORED* 

Gilly: You’re not gonna fulfill your life-long dream? 

Sam: NOPE. 

Gilly: Well that’s sad, but we’ll go with it. 

-Meanwhile Arya vs. Littlefinger is on- 

Arya and Littlefinger: *attempt to out-sneak one another* 

Littlefinger: *OUT-SNEAKS ARYA?!?!* 

Me: wtf I hate everyone and everything, stop it. 

-Meanwhile, we have a new location! EASTWATCH-BY-THE-SEA- 

Tormund: We’re fucked. 

Jon: Indeed. 

Thoros, Beric, and Sandor: HAI can we all go on this suicide mission together? 

Suicide Squad: *establish that they all’ve got beef with each other* 

Jon: Well screw that. We’re all alive, which means that we’re all in this together. 

Suicide Squad: *walk out into the snow together, looking so fucking badass and I’m so excited!!!!!!*

#game of thrones #summaries by vi #game of thrones season seven episode 5 #game of thrones season seven #game of thrones spoilers #gots7e5 #game of thrones recap

[psychotherapyconsultants]

Podcast: Can People With Mental Illness Be Happy?



Those of us with mental illness are asked many questions about our feelings. For a lot of us, the most difficult one to answer is, “Are you happy?” It’s a difficult question to answer because happiness isn’t an easily defined concept. Most people assume that in order to be in recovery from mental illness a person must be happy. But is that really the case?

Listen in to this episode to hear our thoughts on happiness, regret, and even a side story about Gabe’s first marriage.

  SUBSCRIBE & REVIEW

“People just want to be happy and normal, but there is no actual definition of either.” – Michelle Hammer

  Highlights From ‘Happiness’ Episode

[1:00] Gabe & Michelle discuss happiness and mental illness.

[3:30] The most annoying questions we have ever been asked.

[5:00] Gabe’s story of never being satisfied with his life.

[10:00] What makes Michelle unhappy.

[12:00] What makes Gabe unhappy.

[17:00] Do people try to ruin our happiness? – A discussion.

[19:00] Michelle says she has confidence – but does she?

[23:00] Dealing with mental illness and negativity.

Computer Generated Transcript for ‘Can People With Mental Illness Be Happy?’ Show

Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Announcer: [00:00:07] For reasons that utterly escape everyone involved, you’re listening to A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast. Here are your hosts, Gabe Howard and Michelle Hammer.

Gabe: [00:00:19] Welcome to A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast. My name is Gabe and I have bipolar.

Michelle: [00:00:25] I’m Michelle and I’m schizophrenic.

Gabe: [00:00:27] You are straight up schizo.

Gabe: [00:00:29] Apparently I am. That’s what the doctors say.

Gabe: [00:00:31] Michelle, one of the questions that people living with mental illness get asked, pretty much ad nauseum, is, “Are you happy?” Do people ask you this?

Michelle: [00:00:40] Yeah. I think so, yeah.

Gabe: [00:00:41] There’s a bunch of them. “Are you OK?” “How are you feeling?”  “Are you doing OK?”.

Michelle: [00:00:45] I hate that one. “So how are you doing? Like on a personal level? Like, how are you personally?” You know.

Gabe: [00:00:53] They’re asking if we’re happy. I’m not saying that’s necessarily a bad question. I mean, they want to know if we’re OK.  And the way that we, as a society, gauge “okay” is if we’re content, if we’re happy, if we’re not sad. I mean, it’s not an unfair question, right? I mean, do we really want to get mad at people for making sure that we’re content?  Or that we’re happy?

Michelle: [00:01:13] I feel like people have ulterior motives sometimes when they ask you if you’re happy.

Gabe: [00:01:18] Like what?

Michelle: [00:01:19] They want to see if you could actually be happy.

Gabe: [00:01:22] So you think it’s like a gotcha question?

Michelle: [00:01:23] Sometimes.

Gabe: [00:01:23] Really?

Michelle: [00:01:24] They’re like, “Are you happy?”

Gabe: [00:01:26] I feel like maybe you’re hanging out with mean people. Nobody has ever asked me if I’m okay or if I’m happy so that they can trick me. I mean how would that go? “Gabe, are you happy?” Yes. “Aha! I have fooled you, you none-bipolar liar!” That’s kind of weird, you have to admit.

Michelle: [00:01:41] Whatever.

Gabe: [00:01:42] One of the reasons we want to do this episode is because, 1) there’s, like, 5 questions that people with mental illness gets asked constantly.  You know – “Have you taken your meds?”  “Are you doing okay?” “How are you feeling?” “Are you happy?”  The “are you happy?” one handcuffs me.

Michelle: [00:01:56] Why?

Gabe: [00:01:57] Because, I don’t know. I mean, how do you define happiness? You know our “Define Normal” initiative?

Michelle: [00:02:03] Yeah.

Gabe: [00:02:04] Where everybody gave a different answer for what “normal” was. Yet it’s something that’s thrown around by our society constantly.

Michelle: [00:02:13] Mmm-hmm.

Gabe: [00:02:13] I think if we asked a hundred different people what it means to be happy, we’d get 100 different answers. So when people say to me, “Are you happy?” I have no earthly idea.

Michelle: [00:02:24] Good point. And do you think anyone would actually say, “Yes, I am happy” and feel like they’re telling the truth or feel like they’re lying?

Gabe: [00:02:33] This is something that kind of keeps me up at night. Allow me to explain: Let’s say that you said right now, “Gabe, are you happy?” I would say, “Yes. My friend Michelle is here and our podcast is doing very well.” And then somebody would say, “Well, but I mean, how could you be happy? I mean, you have a debilitating disease and there’s so much suffering in the world?  And I mean really! You’re happy with the homeless people that might die from coldness? And what about all the hungry children?” “Oh. Well, I’m not happy about that.” “Really? You’re not happy!?! Your friend Michelle was here!” Where does this end?

Michelle: [00:03:10] The never ending nonsense circle.

Gabe: [00:03:14] Michelle, how do you define “happy.”

Michelle: [00:03:17] How would I define “happy?”

Gabe: [00:03:19] Yes, that’s the question. Why do you keep repeating the question?

Michelle: [00:03:21] I’m thinking of my answer for defining “happy.” Well, how would I define happy? Not being able to get rid of a huge smile on my face.

Gabe: [00:03:32] Okay, so you’re never happy. You’re never smiling. You always look constantly pissed off. So I don’t think that’s true. I really don’t, because I know that you’re not constantly pissed off. You just have resting angry face.

Michelle: [00:03:45] I don’t have resting angry face. That’s just around you.

Gabe: [00:03:48] Okay. Well, you have Gabe angry face. Oh my God! You have GAF!

Michelle: [00:03:54] Shut up.

Gabe: [00:03:55] See, now you’re mean to me. So I’m clearly not happy now.

Michelle: [00:03:58] Good. Are you happy?

Gabe: [00:03:59] No.

Michelle: [00:04:00] Did you take your meds today?

Gabe: [00:04:03] One, yes-

Michelle: [00:04:03] How are you doing?

Gabe: [00:04:04] I’m good, I’m fine.

Michelle: [00:04:06] Are you sure? Are you well?

Gabe: [00:04:08] Well, there’s another one. Now hang on a second-

Michelle: [00:04:10] How’s your work? Do you have a job?

Gabe: [00:04:11] Ugh…okay.

Michelle: [00:04:12] Wow, you have a job? Are you able to work?

Gabe: [00:04:14] Oh, you’re killing me.

Michelle: [00:04:15] Are you on disability?

Gabe: [00:04:16] You’re killing me.  No. No. Not that there’s anything wrong with that-

Michelle: [00:04:18] Do you live with your parents?

Gabe: [00:04:19] No.

Michelle: [00:04:20] Do you have any kids?

Gabe: [00:04:21] No.

Michelle: [00:04:21] Do you plan on getting married?

Gabe: [00:04:23] I am married.

Michelle: [00:04:24] Really? Wow! Does she like you a lot?

Gabe: [00:04:29] No, I’m bipolar. I think happiness has, like, moving goalposts. My Uncle Jack was a really cool guy. He passed away many years ago, but I really liked him a lot when I was younger. Because he talked to me like an adult. He recognized that I had intelligence beyond my years. So here’s this old guy, and he’s talking to a 14 year-old about, you know, adult subject matter. And a lot of adults were uneasy about this, but he wasn’t. And one of the things that he told me is that when it came to money, the perfect amount of money to make was 50 dollars more than you were currently making. And his point was that it didn’t matter how much money you had, you were always fifty dollars away from having something else. And when he said this to me, I thought, “You’re nuts.” If I have, let’s say, fifty thousand dollars. Now this was 30 years ago, but I thought, if I made fifty thousand dollars a year I would be happy. I would be perfectly happy with that kind of money. And then, when I made that kind of money I wasn’t happy with it. And then I made eighty thousand dollars a year, and I wasn’t happy with that. And then I made a hundred thousand dollars a year and I wasn’t happy with that.

Michelle: [00:05:39] All that’s coming through, Gabe, is that you need to give me some money.

Gabe: [00:05:45] That’s the takeaway?

Michelle: [00:05:47] That’s it. The takeaway is that you need to give me some money.

Gabe: [00:05:49] I think the takeaway is that I think that’s how happiness works.

Michelle: [00:05:53] Well, happiness comes with money.

Gabe: [00:05:54] No. No, I think that-

Michelle: [00:05:56] Mo’ money, mo’ problems.

Gabe: [00:05:58] Well, mo’ happiness, mo’ problems.

Michelle: [00:06:00] What? Continue your story.

Gabe: [00:06:08] Thanks, Michelle. When I was really, really, really sick –  I mean really sick, like not showering for days at a time, laying in my own filth, not leaving the house, planning on dying, trying to will myself to death – I would lay there and I’d think, “If I could just get out of bed I’d be happy.” And I meant it, I wasn’t lying. It wasn’t a joke. I just thought that if I could just get up, if I could just take a shower, if I could just wash my hair, then I would be happy. But that’s not the mark of happiness. Now I get up every morning, I take a shower, I wash my hair, I get dressed, and I leave the house, and that doesn’t make me happy.  That’s the lowest bar possible. That’s just an expectation at this point. But every time I achieve something – like remember when we started the podcast? We started the podcast and I was like, “Michelle, I’ll be happy when we have X number of listeners per week.” Do you remember that?

Michelle: [00:07:08] Uh-huh.

Gabe: [00:07:08] You were there, and I said, “That will make me happy!”  Well, we surpassed that months ago and I’m still unhappy. I’m unhappy that we didn’t grow month to month. I’m unhappy that one episode dipped. I’m unhappy that one whatever.  So, happiness is just this nebulous concept that you can’t put your finger on, and all of us are chasing it like it’s meaningful. Like it has meaning. We want to be happy, but none of us can define it. And even when we define it, once we get there we just redefine it.

Michelle: [00:07:41] It’s just interesting that people just want to be happy and normal, yet there’s really no such thing as happy and normal. Nobody is happy and normal.

Gabe: [00:07:53] I think that nobody is happy or normal because, again, there’s just no definition for it. I think that, depending on what the definition is, either nobody is happy and normal or everybody is happy and normal.

Michelle: [00:08:06] Yeah, I mean, there’s always, like, things that can make you happy.  But it’s not like a lifelong happiness.

Gabe: [00:08:12] You know what makes me happy?

Michelle: [00:08:13] Your dog?

Gabe: [00:08:14] When you’re ready to record on time.

Michelle: [00:08:15] OK.

Gabe: [00:08:15] And my dog. I really like my dog.

Michelle: [00:08:18] Yeah. I mean, your dog makes me happy, but I mean I don’t like and when he cries and stuff. It’s sad.

Gabe: [00:08:24] Why does he cry? Wait, why are you making my dog cry?

Michelle: [00:08:26] Your dog cries all the time! We walked in the house, and your dog was crying.

Gabe: [00:08:29] Because he wanted you to play with him! Did you play with him?

Michelle: [00:08:33] No.

Gabe: [00:08:33] So you just walked in the house and ignored him and just went about your business.

Michelle: [00:08:37] Yes.

Gabe: [00:08:37] Wow! You ignored a crying puppy.

Michelle: [00:08:40] He was in his crate.  I didn’t want to let him out of the crate.

Gabe: [00:08:41] You left him when he was trapped in a crate.

Michelle: [00:08:44] You let him out of the crate, so shut up!

Gabe: [00:08:47] I did let him out.

Michelle: [00:08:48] You’re not funny.

Gabe: [00:08:48] I’m a little bit funny.

Michelle: [00:08:50] No.

Gabe: [00:08:51] I’m not?

Michelle: [00:08:52] Your jokes make me unhappy.

Gabe: [00:08:55] Can you define “jokes?”.

Michelle: [00:08:56] Nothing you say.

Gabe: [00:08:59] That’s actually an excellent question, though. Because “jokes” has a definition. The word joke has a definition. It’s something that makes people laugh. Right?

Michelle: [00:09:07] Uh-huh

Gabe: [00:09:07] OK cool. So if I tell a joke and you laugh, but John doesn’t laugh, does that mean I told you a joke? But I didn’t tell John a joke? Even though I said the same thing to both of you at the exact same time?

Michelle: [00:09:23] Well, maybe John didn’t think it was as funny.

Gabe: [00:09:25] So it’s still a joke?

Michelle: [00:09:27] It was a joke, but it wasn’t funny to everybody.

Gabe: [00:09:32] So you can be happy with something but maybe somebody else who had the same thing wouldn’t be happy?

Michelle: [00:09:37] Right.

Gabe: [00:09:38] Is it possible that people like us, people with mental illness – especially people with depression side of it -, is it possible that we are happy? We just trick ourselves into thinking that we’re not?

Michelle: [00:09:49] I think maybe we dwell too much on the things that make us unhappy.

Gabe: [00:09:53] What are some things that you dwell on that make you unhappy?

Michelle: [00:09:56] Oh goodness! Past experiences with people that just did not go well. Arguments, fights embarrassments, that just go around in my head. Where I wish I did things differently or I wasn’t sure what was going on. Basically just things I wish I could have changed but that I can’t change now just get under my skin.

Gabe: [00:10:22] So you live with a lot of regret?

Michelle: [00:10:24] Mmm-hmmm

Gabe: [00:10:24] And you think that that regret is making you unhappy?

Michelle: [00:10:28] Yes.

Gabe: [00:10:28] Now, the things that you regret happened in the past. So clearly time travel is not a thing?

Michelle: [00:10:34] Mm hmm.

Gabe: [00:10:34] So you can’t go back and fix it?

Michelle: [00:10:36] Right.

Gabe: [00:10:36] So it’s ruining your present even though it happened in the past? And we’re going to assume that it’s going to ruin your future, even though it happened in the past?

Michelle: [00:10:44] Right.

Gabe: [00:10:45] So you’re literally wrecking your entire life because of something that you regret, that happened a while ago, that you cannot change or fix?

Michelle: [00:10:50] Well, how do I get it to go away?

Gabe: [00:10:52] Well, that’s a fair question. How do you get it to go away? Could you make amends?

Michelle: [00:10:56] No. No.

Gabe: [00:10:57] Like, not ever? You’re just stuck with it?

Michelle: [00:10:59] Yeah. Yeah.

Gabe: [00:11:00] What about radical acceptance? What about like thinking, “Look I accepted that I did this, I accepted it was wrong, and I accept it that I won’t do it again.  And therefore I forgive myself?”

Michelle: [00:11:10] Some things weren’t really my fault.

Gabe: [00:11:11] Then why do you regret them? And why are you unhappy about them?

Michelle: [00:11:14] Because things sometimes are just unfair.

Gabe: [00:11:17] So you’re upset about things that aren’t fair?

Michelle: [00:11:20] Yeah.

Gabe: [00:11:21] So you’re unhappy about something that’s unfair, that you had no control over at the time, and you certainly don’t have any control over now? Because, again, time travel is not a thing?

Michelle: [00:11:29] Yes.

Gabe: [00:11:31] That’s nuts! Hold that thought, Michelle.  We’re going to step away to hear from our sponsors.

2nd Announcer: [00:11:37] This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.com. Secure, convenient, and affordable online counseling. All counselors are licensed, accredited professionals. Anything you share is confidential. Schedule secure video or phone sessions, plus chat and text with your therapist, whenever you feel it’s needed. A month of online therapy often costs less than a single traditional face-to-face session go to BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral and experience seven days of free therapy to see if online counseling is right for you. BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral.

Gabe: [00:12:09] And we are back discussing happiness.

Michelle: [00:12:12] Well, we just got to all the roots of my problems.  Gabe, thank you so much. And I can’t change the past and it won’t get out of my head.

Gabe: [00:12:22] I feel the exact same way. I’m still upset about how my first marriage ended. And I’m still upset about how my second marriage ended. I am now worried constantly about how my third marriage will end, because all marriages end. I mean, they either end in death or divorce. So there’s not good odds either way.  You’re kind of SOL there. But the things that I did in my past, some of them I was able to make up for. As you know, my second wife and I – you know she’s my bestie. She’s my BFF, and I’ve apologized to her, and I’ve told her I was sorry. And we still fight about this stuff, because we’re very immature as people. But, I think there’s a level of forgiveness there. But my first wife will not forgive me. She  – flat out.

Michelle: [00:13:09] What did you do to her?

Gabe: [00:13:09] Well I married her. That was bad.

Michelle: [00:13:12] It was bad to marry her? That’s what she said?

Gabe: [00:13:14] It turns out that women don’t really like being married to untreated bi-polars. I had no idea.

Michelle: [00:13:20] Was it your fault for marrying her? She said yes. She said I do. How is that your fault?

Gabe: [00:13:28] I…

Michelle: [00:13:29] Didn’t she know that you were an untreated bipolar?

Gabe: [00:13:31] No.

Michelle: [00:13:31] She didn’t?

Gabe: [00:13:33] None of us did.

Michelle: [00:13:34] Oh.

Gabe: [00:13:34] I didn’t get diagnosed with bipolar until after she left. That was one of the things that led me down the suicide path, her leaving. I wrecked my job, my marriage, my house, my home life, I was an embarrassment to my parents. She picked up and left and I was just like, “Fuck it! I want to die!” And I got lucky. I know that sounds weird, but me being suicidal and instituting a suicide plan and being so depressed and so messed up, that’s what led somebody see how sick I was and take me to the emergency room.

Michelle: [00:14:07] She should forgive you, though. Don’t you think?

Gabe: [00:14:10] I would like to think that she would, but she believes that I’m faking bipolar in order to con people for money.

Michelle: [00:14:17] Are you serious?

Gabe: [00:14:18] That’s not something you can make up.

Michelle: [00:14:22] Okay, I don’t really like her that much anymore.

Gabe: [00:14:24] I can’t feel that way. It would be easy if I could say that. I do think that she should consider everything that I went through, and should consider that I was in a psychiatric ward, and on, and on.

Michelle: [00:14:35] Here’s what I don’t understand-

Gabe: [00:14:36] I don’t know why she doesn’t believe in mental illness but she doesn’t.

Michelle: [00:14:38] If she was with you, and she saw you acting like you were acting, so much that she left, and then you happen to end up in the psych ward, wouldn’t she have said, “Oh, that makes a lot of sense!”?

Gabe: [00:14:53] No. She thought that I was faking because she believes that mentally ill people look a certain way. She believes that mentally ill people can’t be intelligent, they can’t hold down jobs. They rock back and forth and they drool. She believes in a very stereotypical version of mental illness.

Michelle: [00:15:06] She’s a bitch.

Gabe: [00:15:07] No, she’s not. And that’s the thing, I did hurt her. Do you know how many times I flew into a blind rage and just started screaming? I would be up for two, three, maybe four, days at a time and not come home. And I would just go out and fuck everything that moved. That not something that you can do to somebody and not give them long lasting emotional scars. I was her husband, and I let her down. I broke her trust, and we can discuss until we’re blue in the face that I did this because I had bipolar disorder, and some of that is true. But the bottom line is, she doesn’t want to forgive me. And that’s up to her, and I have to live with that. I would love to take your tact and just thin, “Yep, bitch!”  But I can’t. I wronged her. The end.

Michelle: [00:15:50] Do you want her in your life?

Gabe: [00:15:54] No, I want her not to be mad at me. It would alleviate alleviate my guilt if she was no longer mad at me, because I feel like I have caused her pain and unhappiness that is going to span her lifetime. Because she spent five years married to me, and that’s a lot I would hate to think that because somebody knew me, their life was worse. And that’s what we have. Because she knew me, her life is worse. That’s hard. It’s hard to know that I made somebody’s life worse. And that makes me unhappy.

Michelle: [00:16:32] I mean, I think I’ve given people challenges while they dealt with me. But I wouldn’t say I’ve made people’s lives worse. Maybe made it more interesting at times, I don’t know.

Gabe: [00:16:47] I have certainly made people’s lives more “interesting” at times, as well. But the big regret I have, and something that keeps me from being happy, is the way that I treated other people. And while it is true that bipolar disorder played a part in it, it wasn’t all bipolar disorder. It factored in, but I was an asshole.

Michelle: [00:17:09] I mean, at least now you know to apologize.

Gabe: [00:17:11] Yes. Yes.

Michelle: [00:17:12] You know, at least you’re not still on that track, yelling at her.  Being a horrible person. You know to apologize.

Gabe: [00:17:19] Yes, I was an incredibly bad husband.

Michelle: [00:17:21] Do you ever think people are trying to ruin your happiness?

Gabe: [00:17:24] That’s an interesting one as well, because, 1) yes, I absolutely think that people are trying to ruin my happiness.  But I also think, just as strongly, that I am not happy. So that’s kind of messed up. How can somebody both be trying to ruin my happiness and I’m not happy at the same time? But yet in my brain that completely tracks.

Michelle: [00:17:43] I feel like it’s very high school. Like when people try to ruin your happiness. Like, you might come in and you have the coolest shirt on and cool shoes. “Hi, guys. How are you doing? I like my new stuff here.” And everyone just kind of looks you and says, “Oh, okay, you got new clothes and new shoes? Oh, yeah. OK. Good for you.” Like they’re jealous. People get jealous of things. You know what I’m trying to say? 

Gabe: [00:18:03] I do.

Michelle: [00:18:03] High school stuff. Like you when I get a new haircut and then everyone just has to say it’s ugly, you know?

Gabe: [00:18:09] I mean, your hair is not great.

Michelle: [00:18:11] I’m just saying.

Gabe: [00:18:11] And also, that’s not a really cool shirt. And your shoes are kind of dollar store, but whatever, you do you.

Michelle: [00:18:18] That’s what I’m trying to say, though. That’s my point.

Gabe: [00:18:20] But does that pettiness bother you?

Michelle: [00:18:22] People do sometimes try to ruin other people’s happiness to make themselves feel better.

Gabe: [00:18:26] You buy new shoes and you are happy with the new shoes and then somebody says, “I hate those shoes.” Does it take any of your happiness away? I mean, honestly?  If you’re being honest? Does Michelle Hammer get sad or lose happiness if somebody calls her shoes ugly?

Michelle: [00:18:40] Me now? No way. Me 15 years ago? Absolutely.

Gabe: [00:18:47] But there’s still stuff that people can say to you that hurts your feelings?

Michelle: [00:18:52] Yes.

Gabe: [00:18:52] I just find that incredibly hard to believe. Because when I see you, I see somebody with so much confidence. You have guts that I can not quantify into words. You once yelled out “cock ring” in the middle of a crowded hotel lobby. Dude, do you know how much guts that takes? Like, for real? It was just a ballsy thing to do. You were loud, and brash, and amazing, and I remember when we met, I thought, “Oh my God, she needs to a) stop and b) continue.” And that just, like, wrestled in my brain. And it’s one of the reasons that I wanted to work with you, because it was just so incredibly engaging. But the more that I get to know you, and the more that we talk, and the more we prepare for shows, do shows, write, travel etc.. You know, I’ve gotten to know you. Know the softer side of Michelle.

Michelle: [00:19:47] The softer side (singing).

Gabe: [00:19:48] But you actually kind of have a confidence issue, don’t you?

Michelle: [00:19:53] I don’t have a confidence issue. I just don’t like when I feel like people are just giving me unsolicited advice.

Gabe: [00:20:01] Well, but that’s what I’m saying. Iff you were 100 percent confident in your actions, you would just tune all of them out. It hurts your feelings, the things that people say. Sometimes people post comments on the Internet. Literal strangers, and you call me up, and you’re upset. You’re angry or you’re just like, “Well, what is wrong with them? Why are they saying this? Why do they say I’m not schizophrenic? How would they know? Because I have purple?” You were really really bothered by that. When that lady said, “There are too many colors. So you can’t be schizophrenic.”

Michelle: [00:20:31] Because that just annoys me so much! Because then it makes me seem like a liar. And the last thing I want to be perceived as is a liar. I am not a liar. I don’t want anyone thinking that I’m a liar, and I don’t want anyone thinking that they can’t create art like mine because it is “too many colors.” That’s just a weird stereotype, or, you know, that’s a stereotype or that person just made it up.

Gabe: [00:20:54] Are you really not going to admit that your feelings were hurt?

Michelle: [00:20:56] I was just baffled and then my feelings were hurt. It was just kind of like, “Who is this idiot trying to say they know more about schizophrenia than a person who has schizophrenia!?!”

Gabe: [00:21:06] Allegedly.

Michelle: [00:21:08] Oh, yeah. Allegedly. It just, you know-

Gabe: [00:21:12] Who hurts your feelings, Michelle? Like, whose opinion is so important to you that if they are negative toward you it ruins your whole day? For me it would be my wife. My wife, and my friends, and my mom. There’s like five people that what they think of me matters so intensely, that if I am happy and they say something mean to me it wrecks my whole day. Who in your life can do that? Who can take your happiness and just flip it upside down?

Michelle: [00:21:40] No one.

Gabe: [00:21:41] Really? So you’re telling me, that if your phone rang right now and your mom said, “God, you suck at podcasting!” You would just be like, “whatever” and it wouldn’t bother you one iota?

Michelle: [00:21:52] I’d just tell her to stop listening.

Gabe: [00:21:55] You lie. You lie so much. It would hurt your feelings.

Michelle: [00:22:00] Does your mom say that to you?

Gabe: [00:22:03] No! God, no! We have a great podcast. But, I’m saying if she did, it would hurt my feelings.

Michelle: [00:22:08] Hmmmm.

Gabe: [00:22:08] If my mom told me my podcast sucked, I would be sad. I would be upset for the rest of the day.

Michelle: [00:22:12] I mean, she’s insulted me way more times than that. So it’s really not that big a deal.

Gabe: [00:22:16] And it hurt your feelings! Admit it! Admit that it hurts your feelings. It’s OK that your mother can hurt your feelings. She’s your mom. I’m just trying to say that there are people in our lives whose opinions are so important to us that they can turn us on a dime. And I wish that those people would be more careful with our feelings, because we’re struggling with a lot. But we can’t control them. And that’s really what I’m trying to say – we can’t control their behavior. You can’t make your mom, and I can’t make my mom, or my friends, or you, or me, be nicer to us. We just can’t. So what I try to do is control my own emotions. I wish that I could be like the person that you’re pretending to be where I just don’t care that somebody insulted me. I don’t care. Fuck them. But I’m not. I’m not that guy. When people insult me, when people say mean things, it hurts me it hurts my feelings deeply and genuinely. And I will ruminate on it for days, it means that much to me. And I wish I could make that go away. And that’s what I work on every day. If there was something that I was still working on in therapy, it would be that. And I’ve gotten a lot better. We’ve gotten a lot better at cutting toxic people out of our lives, which we’ve discussed in previous episodes. I’ve gotten better at asking people follow up questions, so that way when they do hurt my feelings, I make sure that that’s what they meant. And I give them an opportunity to explain, because sometimes I just overreacted. And then I work really, really hard on just thinking, “OK, they didn’t like it, but that’s OK.” There’s a lot of different people in the world and just because they don’t like it, doesn’t mean that it’s not good. But mostly, I just curl up in a ball and cry. But I’m working on that, and I think a lot of our listeners feel that way too.

Michelle: [00:24:02] Gabe, I think we need to understand that we have to learn how to make our selves happy before we try to be happy for other people. How happy are you right now?

Gabe: [00:24:17] I am content. I’m content with my life. I feel safe. I feel secure. I love my wife. My family is good. I have a great show. I have a good career and my dog is nice. I would not say that I am happy. I would say that I am content and I think that’s the thing. I think from the outside looking in, a lot of people would be like, “Wow, if this guy isn’t happy with all the stuff that he has, he is never going to be happy” And that’s really my point. I think that a lot of us are really unhappy because we make ourselves miserable trying to get to some other mythical level. Or we need our medications changed and we need to work with our doctors. But I think that people with mental illness could be happier. I think we sabotage ourselves and I don’t know how to get out of the rut except by talking about it honestly. And I would venture to guess that a lot of our listeners feel the same as we do. They feel miserable, and they don’t know why, and that’s the point. If you don’t know why you’re miserable, then you’re probably not. You’re probably OK. You’re probably sabotaging your own happiness and that’s really messed up. Stop it there. We’ve just fixed all the depressed people Michelle, tell ’em to stop it.

Michelle: [00:25:27] Stop it. Just just stop sabotaging your own happiness, I guess.  According to Gabe, you are sabotaging your happiness.

Gabe: [00:25:35] I think that it is something to consider.

Michelle: [00:25:37] I think that I am happy. I don’t think I’m sad or angry. I don’t think anything like that. I mean, I know I’m not 100 percent happy all the time. But in my life, I’m much happier than I was five years ago ,for sure.

Gabe: [00:25:53] Michelle, I always love debating happiness with you. So thank you, everybody, for listening to A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast. Remember to review us on iTunes. Leave a comment. Share this episode. Make Gabe and Michelle famous because that is just so important! And we’ll see everybody next week.

Michelle: [00:26:13] Happy!

Announcer: [00:26:16] You’ve been listening to A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast. If you love this episode, don’t keep it to yourself. Head on over to iTunes or your preferred podcast app to subscribe, rate, and review. To work with Gabe, go to GabeHoward.com. To work with Michelle, go to schizophrenic.NYC. For free mental health resources and online support groups, head over to PsychCentral.com. The show’s official web site is PsychCentral.com/BSP. You can e-mail us at [email protected]. Thank you for listening and share widely.

  Meet Your Bipolar and Schizophrenic Hosts

GABE HOWARD was formally diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety disorders after being committed to a psychiatric hospital in 2003. Now in recovery, Gabe is a prominent mental health activist and host of the award-winning Psych Central Show podcast. He is also an award-winning writer and speaker, traveling nationally to share the humorous, yet educational, story of his bipolar life. To work with Gabe, visit gabehoward.com.

  MICHELLE HAMMER was officially diagnosed with schizophrenia at age 22, but incorrectly diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 18. Michelle is an award-winning mental health advocate who has been featured in press all over the world. In May 2015, Michelle founded the company Schizophrenic.NYC, a mental health clothing line, with the mission of reducing stigma by starting conversations about mental health. She is a firm believer that confidence can get you anywhere. To work with Michelle, visit Schizophrenic.NYC.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/podcast-can-people-with-mental-illness-be-happy/

#World of Psychology