#not actually but like im so fucking mad at myself rn

[nanzyn]

ahhhh I seriously seriously seriously need to stop writing directly into the box on AO3. I know it's stupid. every time I lose work because I forget to hit "save" and then the page reloads and I lose whatever I just added I'm going to kms

#bones talks #not actually but like im so fucking mad at myself rn #i know better i know better i know better #im just trying to move away from using gdocs and im trying to write using tumblr drafts #but every time i try to edit or write on my phone the paragraphs become out of order cause it for some reason thinks that if i tap and hold #for .01 seconds longer than normal that means i want to throw that section up 3 paragraphs #and it wont even tell me it did so #i always find out when i go on my laptop later and see everything all outta whack #argghh #anyways if anyone has any suggestions for writing apps that have the ability to be edited on both phone and laptop (like gdocs but not goog)

[puppyeared]

ive made myself more wet and pathetic

#new icon because im SUFFERING. im in HELL #its so bad. i had to sign out of discord so now im both lonely and stressed #because i KNOW im still gonna get dstracted. i just did making this URGH #how good are brains at working around things. i once set a 7AM alarm on my phone with snooze cause i was so sure my brain would #be too lazy and keep snoozing instead of actually turning it off. but nay it either kept sleeping through the alarms and snoozing #or actually managed to turn off the alarm half awake that i barely remembered it and then waking up late #i actually have a track record of climbing out of bed and turning my alarm off without remembering. which is impressive bc i have a loftbed #the other thing is setting fake deadlines so make myself panic into doing things ahead of time. but unfortunately that doesnt work either #because if theres one thing my brain will put all its energy into remembering its self assurance. meaning i WILL be able to remember #the real deadline even if i try to trick myself. cant ask someone to give me a fake deadline either #the only things keeping me going rn is that i have deadlines due at least 1 day between each other and excitement being able to talk with #crow after break. but you can see how well thats going <- ignores long term rewards in favor of short term pleasure #BTW CROW IF YOURE READING THIS IM SO SORRY TURNING OFF MY DISCORD WITH BARELY ANY EXPLANATION #im a huge fucking dumbass and i had barely enough impulse control not to block everyone in my dms because i realized that would send a real #really bad msg. youre not distracting me im distracting myself and i promise youre not annoying me i just really like talking to you and #thats why im just barely stopping myself from signing in. I WANT TO TALK TO U LOTS BUT AT THE SAME TIME IM KICKING MYSELF FOR DOING IT #you can be a little mad at me btw cause i definitely could have done that better but i was all over the place abt how to do it without #making u think im ignoring you. IF THAT MAKES SENSE. SORRY #yapping #doodles #puppysona #edit but last week i tried to schedule and give myself work periods and break periods using my class schedule #and reminders on my phone to tell me when to start and stop. can you guess what happened

[hella1975]

im genuinely the dumbest person alive

#im so fucking angry with myself im SO stupid #like yes im only 20 ive never really handled my finances alone before #this is only my second year of paying rent EVER there was bound to be mistakes #and im lucky to have a family that can support me when those mistakes inevitably occur. but my fucking goddddd #basically i didnt plan ahead and turns out my TOTAL student loan for this year covers my TOTAL rent this year #but ofc the installments dont cooperate and the sums are different per semester etc #so instead of looking ahead and going 'oh shit my last loan won't be enough to cover my last rent installment' #and using that very easy to make observation to figure out that i need to be saving the leftover money from my loan throughout the year #i instead went 'omg i have leftover loan this term!' and fucking spent it #im short £600. im going to owe my parents £600 #and yes in the grand scheme it's not a huge amount of money like it could have been #but not only will i not be able to pay my parents back until july bc i CANT take out of my america savings #and i definitely cant start saving up £600 ON THE SIDE OF TRYING TO SAVE A GRAND FOR AMERICA #but on top of that being in debt to my mum is the worst thing in the entire world and now i have no choice but to be in debt for 3 months #before i can even start paying it back. like that's 3 entire months that she's going to use it as a stick to beat me with #like not only does she sometimes REFUSE to take money that i earn waitressing bc she insists on having the debt paid through actual labour #but she's also just a complete bitch about it and i know it's very spoilt to expect not only to be covered when i get into debt #but to also expect her to be nice about it but like. im not asking her to CODDLE me i get initially it makes sense for her to be angry #but she could at least acknowledge that i ALWAYS beat myself up over shit like this way more than anyone else will #like im so mad rn im trying not to cry just bc im so FRUSTRATED and the entire time she's fucking shouting in my face #about how she moved out at seventeen and had three jobs at uni and no one to support her etc etc #and just name-callling shit im already calling myself like it was an HONEST MISTAKE #she's acting like i purposely went behind her back and took £600 when i was very visibly horrified when i figured it out #and i immediately came clean to her regardless of how scared i was to admit it. im just so mad like i know i sound spoilt #and like im huffing and puffing over something that could have been SO MUCH WORSE if i didnt have my parents to cover me #but like. i can pay her back within 2 WEEKS of waitressing. ive never handled my rent before. i didn't do it on purpose #and im more annoyed with myself than she can ever be and she KNOWS that about me. so like. please dont shout at me lol #it's just i was SO proud of myself for saving for america and how hard ive worked and i should have known i was gonna fuck it up somehow #& now the £1500+ i'll total have saved for america that i worked so hard for is gonna be tainted bc i owe £600 all bc of my own stupidity #hella goes home

[werewolf-apologist]

maybe i am being a huge bitch and terrible and unfair ????? perhaps that’s the problem ???? and that is likely. however the council (my two best friends and my mom) have concurred that i should actually be angrier and meaner so i think im doing my best atm

#kinda joke but actually i don’t know what to do and i am sooooo angry it i don’t think it’s justified but also isn’t it ? isn’t it ? #like i may have fucked up the very serious convo that we had earlier but also i’m so mad. and i said that. and she heard me I THOUGHT #so i thought it was going to get taken care of but apparently not #like ok. don’t pay rent just stay here 5/7 nights a week and stop by anytime and don’t make any moves to change or fix the position you’re #in like whatever atp. maybe i’d be a better friend if i was more understanding and ive been telling myself that for weeks but also wtf #i know things are terrible for her so i should be nicer and more understanding but i’ve been as nice and understanding as i can be for three #months now and nothings changed she not even interested in changing things so at what point is it real life consequences #of im mad and you have to pay rent ffs #idk. i should apologize for even asking that of her ig. i know things are super hard for her rn. but things are also hard for me rn #in different less extreme ways but still. idk

[transmechanicus]

Bitch this shit does not fucking goddamn cohere i swear to god!!!!!!!

#my stuff #aiy am sooooo mad at my research lab rn they are going in like 5 semi-aborted directions at once #ooh we need to do this ooh we need to do this #lemme put u on this project but also if this other one works no one will care abt your results bc the other will be Way Easier #also i know i told u this project is abt drug discovery but actually we don't care about that stage of the process #we care about the shitty little minutia that is important but so abstractly connected as to be virtually unrelated #like ummm if im trying to find a way to inhibit a protein why in fuck do i care if something binds to it while its chopped up into 5 peps?? #that's missing all the secondary structure and complexes it forms that are arguably vital for function?! #binch?? #hough im working so hard trying to understand all this shit i need time i need more fucking time i need everyone out of my ass please pleas #i just wanna pass my classes and get to summer so i can focus on doing lab properly and stabbing myself full of HRT

[lystring]

just love that amongst all the insane pushback people have been getting lately for talking very openly about fatphobia in our society which is a serious problem people are straight up reblogging posts adding severely triggering images of extremely anorexic people as some sort of Gotcha, like fatphobia Cant be real because Look how mean people are being about this person who is clearly dying from one of the worst diseases born Out Of Our Fucking Society Being Fatphobic im losing my mind what is happening etc

#like i dont think ive ever talked about this on this blog or ever #but i used to be DEEP into proana tumblr back in the day like. #most of us didnt consider ourselves 'proana' or 'probulimia' or whatever but it was a fucking lifestyle and it was a dark hole #that i had to claw myself out of #and im sorry its extremely triggering that people are harping onto posts TALKING ABOUT A REAL ISSUE THEY DO NOT EXPERIENCE #with images of severely diseased women sayin Well Actually Your Experiences Arent That Bad Cus Look #We Also Have It Bad #yeah well #one does not detract from the other #and also Maybe. hmm. there is a correlation...if not even causation........ #maybeeeee if fatphobia wasn't such a huge issue....you wouldn't feel the need to...idk avoid experiencing that... #cus like okay I know im only speaking from my own experience but #seeing the way society treated fat people growing up constantly surrounded by people on Diets all the time #trying to Avoid being fat at All Cost #miiight have contributed to my ED and wanting to be skinny #like. #honestly moving away from those spaces and being friends with and following people that experience fatphobia #has heloed me in soooo many ways to just like accept myself a bit more and also realize the enormous damage #that fatphobia does to us through media and social media like #im honestly just ranting rn but god im so mad #I saw like One Too Many posts like that but didn't wanna jump on being annoying so i made my own posr #im sorry for anyone going through it rn being stuck in proana or fitblr whatever hell #because like it wont make it better. it will feel like your only escape because People in your life wont understand #but it will just continue to pull you in until nothing else or no-one else mkes sense #and that is Not Good or okay and yeah #talk to someone outside of this site about this please #don't argue with others talking about their own experiences that you cant relate to because if you somehow #like #see that as an attack on you personally #thats a problem...you need to address that.

[krispiecake]

i hope that everyone is aware that i am trying SO HARD to be normal but the universe is TESTING ME.

#i am trying ao hard not to fall back into old habits rn but jesus CHRIST brooooooooo #i havent been able to get barely any time with the staff i need for the past two days and now #theyre like 40mins late with my meds bc of another tenant #and its not even like theyre WITH the other tenant rn btw there are two members of staff sat in the office just talking #and its like bro. BROOOOOOOO #like they know this shit is SO triggering and i know they cant help some stuff but i still feel like i should be able to get my meds on time #if they arent actively with another tenant #its such a small thing but it helps my brain remember that actually they do still care abt me lol #all ive wanted to do since like wednesday was just watch a movie with my fp now that we’re cool again #and i was waiting in the lounge for like an hour and no one even came in #and its not like we planned anything so im not mad or whatever im just frustrated that #i had a rlly shit night last night and a pretty shit day today #and there just isnt anyone around to talk to bc theyre all dealing with someone else #or not even just sat around talking or whatever #idk this shit makes me wanna punch things burn everything to the ground and then kill myself if im being totally honest rn #and like last night and this isnt my therapists fault or anything but ahe wasnt able to pick up #and i managed to get thru it but it just added to the feeling like no one gave a shit #and its past nine again so she probs wouldnt be able to pick up now even tho i kinda need help again #idk this shit just. its so fucking triggering and i feel insane and so tightly wound #and ive been putting so much effort into my stupid therapy and i just wanna let go and have a full on meltdown again #i wanna take a bunch of pills and scream and cry and throw things and argue and just LET GO #cuz i feel like thats my ‘true nature’ and everything else is just me faking #or masking #AND IM SO FUCKING SICK OF IT ITS SO MUCH EFFORT AND I FEEL LIKE IM GETTING NOTHING BACK

[todayisafridaynight]

uhhh something something 'the only time a yakuza should laugh with his teeth is when he's with family or in trouble' something something arakawa gradually doing so more and more when hanging around jo something something Uh Oh™️

#arasawa #snap chats #DO WE GET WHAT I MEAN. #im not arguin semantics rn just listen to me im gripping you by the shoulders reader #it can go either way A.) arakawa gradually seeing jo as a part of his persoanl family opposed to The General Family #B.) you know how in fanfics theres that 'Oh. /Oh./' trope Yeah. i want big man to realize he's a lil doki doki for one of his guys #why the fuck i frame it like these arent in the same vein I CANNOT THINKKKKKK STRAAAIGHT #BUT NOOOO LISTEEENNNN i know bro would be SOOO conflicted. dare i say... he'd be in trouble SEE DO WE SEE WHAT IMEA #ok you can stop looking at me. im delirious. insane. delulu. its cause i cant draw rn its hard and my head hurts #ive been struggling with this idea for. WEEKS. i CANNOT find a way to make a comic out of it and its making me loco and mad #so im just throwing it out into the ether as Free Real Estate if anyone else wants a crack at it. or yk just so i can share it #LIKE THERE'S SOMETHING HERE I KNOW THERE IS I AM BRUSHING IT WITH MY FINGERTIPS BUT I CANNOT GRAB IT #you know it fuckin bad when i actually make a text post about it thats how you know Im At My Limit #driving me insane....... i just need everyone to know im rotating them like SSBB trophies.... #anyway. yeah youre right i still havent drawn shit #UUUGGGHHHHH should... or shold i sleep.... #let me try to force myself to sketch something and then ill run to my car and sleep there or somethin #idk. anyway bye i love the old people

[matchandelure]

for two weeks every four months i become math’s biggest hater, and for the rest of the time im just an average hater (very sad and frustrated)

#officially done half of my finals...just the other half left #and included in that half is...the dreaded calculus ii final exam god im so scared #my eyes are burning my wrist hurts my back aches from sitting in a chair for hours staring at three different screens doing practice #probelms that stopped making sense about. 2 hours ago #i hate differential equations so much why do we need to know these things. like. when will i ever need to know how to integrate by parts #when in life will i ever need to know whether a series converges absolutely conditionally or diverges #when am i ever going to need to understand volumes of revolutions w the stupid washers and shells and GRAAH #im going to be petty tongiht bc i know that this math cant even be considered hard bc its literally just fundamental courses #but im going to let myself be sad bc once i get out the sad and frustrated and mad i can go back to deriving power series of things #and everyone learns and processes things at different rates and its ok if i need to take twice as long to understand a theorem and proof #then a classmate who can understand it just by reading the course notes once. yeah #i actually feel pathetic rn. cant believe a first year math course has me this worked up. just need to get my shit together next study term #and stop complaining over every little thing #actually last little thing i love the ratio test it has done nothing wrong ever i love it so much (i hate the integral test) #limit comparison you are on thin fucking ice. ast you are just behind the ratio test #willows rambling branch

[izzy-b-hands]

finally convinced myself to apply for the Folx fund help since otherwise im just. not making enough to cover regular doc visits and T rn.

(more venting abt this stuff below the cut feel free to skip)

And as of tonight im out of the vial my housemate generously offered since ae is changing up T methods rn anyway (tho i did try to get out any leftover T from previous syringes in my sharps box into the current vial, in an attempt to save any i could, but it didn't work as well as i wanted it to unfortunately)

I don't want to detransition. I'm genuinely terrified of it bc even just my period returning these last months has sent me spiraling each time. I'm the happiest I've ever been since transitioning (despite any additional Life Horrors occurring alongside it) and i just. I don't want to go back. but I'm not going to rely on my friends and family to bankroll this too while i try and get back on my feet

im nervous to have applied and tbh don't anticipate getting it simply bc goodness knows there's a fuck ton of us in need of help like this, and im just one of many. but holy fucking shit a year of paid for care would make a huge difference. one less expense to weigh on me for at least a little bit, enough time to hopefully get into a better more consistently paying job so i could just afford the usual Folx membership as I would like to rn if it wasn't $89/mo (and even switch back to gel to have a break from the injections for a bit, but that's an extra $50, so nearly $150 for that which rn is Ouch and just not possible to give out monthly which makes me feel so pathetic and shit but i just. Don't have it at a consistent rate rn with the polling center job fuckery and my anxiety with the job)

I don't want to be taking help from someone who needs it more, but if they can spare a spot for me i would be in their debt for the rest of my life and beyond grateful

#text post #tw injections #to be safe #long post #also to be safe aksndkfn #god i just. i feel like i should just be able to make this money come from somewhere but i cant like i want to rn #and it's driving me mad bc i don't like not being able to pay my way and take care of myself but it's taking so much time #to get back on my feet without burning myself out again or otherwise fucking things up and i can't seem to make it go faster #ill ultimately be very happy for whoever gets a grant from them bc it's a wonderful program and im very grateful it exists #but i admit i will be happy at a level I dont think i fully understand yet if i were to get a notification that i was one of the ppl #to also get a grant for a year of care like #i joke abt the fainting couch a lot but i have anemia and vertigo & im a delicate lil fucker at times so #reading that might actually require something for me to sit down on before I'd fall down in very happy shock #im sorry yall im just . worrying but im gonna shush now lol

[puppyeared]

adhd comix

#man i dont even have the energy to be mad. im just tired #like. dont u love it when your parents exhibit symptoms of ADHD and your sibling is diagnosed with a learning disability #and instead of thinking oh shit what if the other one has smth too. they subject you to The Horrors #i cant bring myself to hate my parents. but im tired of feeling obligated to defend them when the thing they think is working #isnt actually working and ive just found other ways to cope to avoid any sort of conflict. like lying and stealing. lol #if someone took me aside and said 'hey so your brain doesnt make as much dopamine as usual and its not a bad thing it just means you #need external stimulation and reward system to function and youre not actually secretly fucked up or lazy' as a kid #im pretty sure i wouldnt be here rn with half the problems i already have. unfortunately getting diagnosed late means u dont have a teacher #to back you up at a parent teacher conference that forces your parents to take this shit seriously instead of ignoring it hoping itll #go away on its own. but hey what do i know i have squirrel ipad baby disease. what do i know about my own symptoms #AND. AND i think im allowd to be mad bc ive been doing my own research on this for years before and after diagnosis #theyve been putting me thru the WORST parenting techniques on earth. which they could have corrected at anytime but they were #comfortable thinking they were doing it right and didnt bother to check if they were or werent fucking up their kid in the long run #and refusing to acknowledge it. i just!! they just decided one day hey lets make babies!! and just looked at books on how to make #a human being survive as long as possible!!! what the fuck!!!! #im sorry for putting this on ppls dashes but i am. so tired. of bottling this up. and im not looking for sympathy or anything i just need #to scream and clench my fists to SOMEONE about it because theyre not gonna take this well up the ass. sigh #yapping #vent

[kimmkitsuragi]

"if i finish this i will watch a horror movie" thing kinda backfired it's 9pm lmao

#will i still do it. yes. probably. #it would probably be more fun in the night too so yeah #but god fucking damn it can i please just finish this thing #i cant even be properly mad at myself because ive been Actually Working in these last days lol #at last!!! #it feels like i can actually finish the whole thing next week :') #i started this at the beginning of September goddddddddd 😭😭 #if i took it more seriously from the start it would've been done by now lol #but i guess at least im making progress #i am kinda getting nervous thinking abt deadlines and actually applying even tho i still have like a month for one school #and 2+ months for others lol #there's one in italy that's earlier than that but not sure if i wanna go for that one tbh so........ idk #but since it's wayy cheaper and i dont have many cheap options and i fear the same thing (aka not being able to go bc #of money) will happen again this year lol #so yeah just. not sure in general. #if i think too much about any of this i start to question everything anyway lmao so i shouldnt <3 #i gotta visit my old uni to talk abt some letters too which i Know for a fact they would write #but it's so nerve wracking to think about butttt i gotta do it this week/early next week so..... #(this week means actually the next week in this case i guess lmao since it's friday rn) #bc they said 2 weeks notice sooooo im guessing that would be okay but u knowwwwwww ugh #okay. my goal is to just do this thing today #then finish the whole project tomorrow #then do the other readjustments for the other projects in a few days hopefully #then go to school #yeah. doable. perfectly doable #i gotta arrange the (redacted) and (redacted) meetings too lol buttttt yeah #🗒 #wow i didnt intend to write this much tbh anyway

[silenthillbunni]

.

#my mom randomly got mad at me yesterday and started questioning me #then got mad when she didnt like my asnwers #and now she isnt talking to me #she does this so often now. but only w/ me & never with my sisters #im so sick of it #she says im immature but like pot kettle black or whatever #i actually dont get suddenly mad at ppl then ice them out so... #but now neither of my sisters talk to me either so i have no one at all to converse with #im so fucking anxious #and it's harder when i have to sit and listen to my mom and sisters talk and laugh but im not allowed to join #idk #idk what tf to do bc everything is scary and uncertain to me now #and i dont even feel security in my own home or family #i wish i was incapable and worthless bc this sucks #i wish i WASNT** goddamn cant even write #why cant i be independent and take care of myself? i should have a job and apartment rn not whatever this is #i hate everyone and everything but most of all i fkn hate myself

[memethyst]

not to be dramatic but everytime i see mlp generation 5 i want to rip my hair out and throw up

#it makes me so angry #ughhhhh #im so mad i only just now got back into mlp i wish i hadnt gotten out of it back then #like i know shows cant go on forever and it went on for like 10 years but UGHHH #im so mad its just like #gone....... #having another 'i wish i could go back in time and completely redo my teenage years' moment rn #and apparently twilight is actually in g5 now #i heard that all the characters i know and love were canonically DEAD in g5 #i know i shouldnt be angry at it because 1 its for babies and 2 i havent even watched it #but it just makes me so irrationally mad whenever i see it because i am reminded of the fact that there will never be any g4 content again #and that i missed out on like half of it because i forced myself to hate it for years because of my terrible middle school years #i am so depressed that i literally cry over my little fucking pony #i literally cry over thinking about the fact that the cutie mark crusaders are dead #i cant handle that #fuck g5 i dont care if you like it #im angry im mad im pissed #im such a whiny little bitch #im such a fucking baby #getting so mad over a stupid tv show #i feel like the raymond is my comfort character tweet rn

[thanksfortheflaglove]

.

#have been an anxious lil piece of shit since my mother walked past/then in my room bc she smelled something- #this was yesterday btw .. first thing she said was 'u dont vape do u?' and i was like 'no' *queue john mulaney voice: like a liar* #ok well technically only on occasion like if i dont have w**d #anyway she steps into my room and starts fuckin sniffing around and goes 'it smells like .. weed 😐' and just looked at me and guys .. #i am the WORST but my mothers brother aka my gay uncle got kicked out when they were younger bc he smoked too and my mother has grown to #not be fond of it since . so BASICALLY i lightly gaslit her and was like 'mom. seriously ? 🙄' #bc we joke about it on occasion like she went to denver and came back with a fuckin pot that says 'a little pot from colorado' meant for #weed and in my head im like 😭 bro i could actually use this 😭 #so thats how we joke but obviously for me its genuinely funny bc of the irony but anyway . #my anxiety was so high after that bc i literally had my pen on me and i just left the situation and started petting my dog and filled up my #waterbottle trying to think of what the fuck i was going to do next but that was literally the end of that #(at least for now but i dont even want to jinx it) #to be proactive tho bc newsflash i do smoke! i got smart as shit and wrapped my smell proof combo bag to make it look like a gift for my #my friends when i go back to school so she wont think anything of it #and then put my pen old battery and vape in a box hidden away so i can still access them if i need but god DAMN #i was def just being stupid tho bc i forget when im at home i cant be so lax and rip the shit out of my pen with my door closed and no fan #anymore like 😐 u dumb fuck i was smarter at 16 with this shit #anyway. its definitely on me and im just mad at myself for it and hope it doesnt come up again/that she isnt overly paranoid with me like i #am with myself rn #also just for some more background my mom and i have never been super close but im really close with my dad but i love with my mom ? so #after this semester not just bc of this situation but i might be like. ive never had a room at dads and id like to at least for summer #and go from there. they just moved and its so cozy and id love to make my room mine over there for once even if it means moving in for abit #but the one thing that would absolutely break my heart is that my dog lives with my mom and its not like i couldnt still see her but i feel #like id feel guilty/like im abandoning her or something :'( #idk if anyone read this far pls lmk ur thoughts #oh and i work right by my moms so its not like i couldnt still visit her but it would break my heart #kylas thoughts #drugs /

[southern--downpour]

id apologize for the spam of mcr reblogs but this band has been seared into my brain since age 13 yall signed up for this one

#shut up virgil #other hyperfixations tent to just. appear w/o warning but this one has been building for like 5 years straight #my love for mcr never left it was just overshadowed by hyperfixes with a more consistent stream of content #and by that i mean any content at all #i am fucking THRIVING idc how stressed i am over college apps and graduation there mcr is an ACTUAL BAND RN #they EXIST they are TOURING i can literally watch performances from YESTERDAY RIGHT FUCKING NOW wtffffffff #also related. mastas of ravenkroft. what the fuck #gerard fucking fell down and ya know what same that song also makes me wanna fucking flail everywhere and throw myself into a wall /pos #mastas is probably one of my fav mcr songs and that entire ep is just SO GOOD im so glad its getting attention now #if they play anything else from mad gear and missile kid i will die <3