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bluerosesonata · 4 years

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The Legacy of Aika Village

[This will be the first of a few mini-articles I plan to post here, just about different things I’m passionate about. Please indulge me.]

This article originally was written back in early April- since then, Nintendo announced that the “Dream Suites” would be coming to the latest update of ACNH, as “Dream Islands.” As such, I thought it would be timely to finally post this.

Update: On July 2nd, the original creator of Aika Village made a tweet announcing their plans to remake Aika for Dream Islands in New Horizons! The legend lives on!

Image Credit: thumbnail from chuggaconroy’s playthrough of Aika Village on Youtube.

Animal Crossing And Horror: The Legacy of Aika Village

With a lot of the world in lockdown, Animal Crossing New Horizons has become a creative and social outlet for many, leading to a lot of people who never played Animal Crossing to engage with it for the first time. I’m sure most of you have encountered the various types of people present in the Animal Crossing community by now, but there’s a type of Animal Crossing players that a lot of people didn’t realize exist, and have existed, for a while now: The Horror Town Creators.

These players were the subject of a brief write up on Polygon by Patricia Hernandez [Hernandez, Patricia. “Animal Crossing: New Horizons is now a horror game, thanks to fans.” Polygon, 24 Mar. 2020. https://www.polygon.com/2020/3/24/21190826/animal-crossing-new-horizons-horror-game-decorations-scary-nintendo-switch-blood-spatter-pattern.], who posted an article featuring quotes and pictures of people creating horror themed towns and rooms in New Horizons, but only made a brief mention of the legacy of horror that many of these players are striving to recreate: The Nightmare Suites of Animal Crossing: New Leaf.

(These next few paragraphs are a bit of a self-indulgent aside, so feel feel to skip ahead.)

Horror gets a bad rap. Horror artists get comments like “lmao what SCP is this,” “that’s fucked up,” or get flippant remarks about it all “looking the same.” Horror writers get made fun of for only writing “three types of stories.” Even the term “creepypasta,” which has evolved into shorthand for “horror stories independently published online,” still carries the stink of derision from the typo-filled, often poorly-written shock stories the term originated from. Despite this derision, horror, as a genre, is MASSIVELY popular (and profitable as well!). There’s an undeniable appeal to it.

More importantly, horror always finds a way to adapt itself to different mediums. As one can easily see by the success of horror podcasts like the NoSleep Podcast and The Magnus Archives, it isn’t even limited to a visual format! Like fear and dread itself, the horror genre crawls on, inexhaustible, undying, and ever-present, always returning to us in ways both novel and familiar.

Horror lovers are a tight knit, but welcoming, community, and that’s one of its biggest strengths and weaknesses.The biggest drawback is that a lot of really cool stuff produced will never be experienced, let alone documented, by people outside the community. And that’s what prompted this post. I was trying to explain the Dream Suite horror movement to my cousin, and despite my best efforts, didn’t find a lot of coverage about them, beyond the fact they existed. Worse, most of those were articles written five years ago. Even so, I’ll link to a few of them at the end of this post, as they’re definitely worth reading.

For me, I wanted to share my experience of the horror town phenomena with people outside the community. The Nightmare Suites movement was really something magical, and I know that I, personally, am still trying to recreate that magic in New Horizons. And hey, maybe once you’re finished reading this, you will too.

The Dream Suite

Before we can talk about Aika Village, we need to explain the feature that made this whole movement possible. In the 2012/2013 3DS game, Animal Crossing: New Leaf, there were two areas in every town: The village, and Main Street, which laid beyond the train tracks that ran across to the north of every town. Main Street was home several important structures, including the town shop, the Happy Home Academy, and the Post Office. Later on, more structures could be unlocked and built as public works projects, one of which was the Dream Suite.[“Dream Suite.” Nookipedia, 25 Apr. 2013, nookipedia.com/wiki/Dream_Suite.]

As for how it worked, Nookipedia explains it best:

To begin a dream, the player must lie down on the bed and pay Luna 500 Bells. They may then choose to visit a random town, input the Dream Address of a specific town to visit, or search for a town. They may then choose to visit a previously visited town or a random town, or to input the dream address of a new town to visit. While dreaming, the player may walk around the town and perform actions just as they would in the real world, but their actions will have no effect on the town.

While dreaming, the bed will be on the dream town's plaza. Luna and Lloid stand near it until the player decides to wake up. Players can borrow tools like a shovel and axe from Lloid to use within the dream. If the player lies on the bed a second time, they will leave the dream and anything they have in their pockets will be lost.

The player cannot go to Main Street or enter any buildings with doors besides homes. Additionally, messages left on the bulletin board cannot be read; instead, the board displays the town's name and Dream Address…custom designs on display in the town, such as on the ground and in houses, will be visible. The player who uploaded the town can also be found walking about. When spoken to, they will say their recorded greeting.

In essence, the Dream Suite takes a snapshot of your town at the moment you ask Luna, the NPC running the Dream Suite, to share a dream- this includes your outfit, the way you decorated your home, the items laying around town, etc.

The most important aspect of this feature, and the one that I feel had the most impact on the Nightmare Suite creation movement, was the method of discovery. If you didn’t know someone’s code, you would be sent to a random dream of a random town, from anywhere in the world- and this is where I feel my personal experience of being in the community departs from the articles that have already been written about the Nightmare Suites.

The Urban Legend of Aika

In the years leading to 2013, I was going through some rough shit. I won’t go into details here, but video games had become my entire life. Coming into the summer of 2013, I didn’t have any friends I kept in touch with, and I was “starting over” in a city where I knew nobody- things were looking up, but outside of tumblr, I didn’t have anything even resembling a social life. Animal Crossing: New Leaf was a stabilizing force of my life during this time, and really helped me. I had the Shampoodle haircut guide saved to the camera roll on my phone, for pete’s sake.

It was in the beginnings of my friendship with a group of girls (whom I sadly no longer even have contact with), where a lot of our initial bonding happened because of anime and RPGmaker horror games. We were sitting together in the campus dining area, me playing on my 3DS, when I first learned about the Nightmare Suites.

“Have you heard about Aika Village?”

I hadn’t.

“It’s this really creepy town in dream suites, I heard about it from a friend online.” Later that day, she linked me to a tumblr post compiling a series of codes leading to different “creepy dream towns,” the first one being simply labeled as “Aika Village.”

That dream village became a phenomenon: people would write up their interpretations and theories about it, and even lead to a few articles and videos on gaming sites like IGN and Killscreen, which is why I’m not gonna even bother going into the content of the village itself.

And So, The Dream Begins…

This, in my opinion, was the draw of the Nightmare Suites. Without a way to directly share codes from your 3DS to your social media, the discovery and sharing of Dream Towns was like that of urban legends- like virtually passing notes in class, or sharing scary stories that “totally happened to a friend of my cousin’s sister” at a campfire. It felt like a cool discovery- something exclusive and scary and weirdly intimate. They had a mystique to them, a mystery of who their creators were and what they “really meant.” But above all that? They were cool as hell.

The Nightmare Suites used the limitations of the game to try and create an unnerving atmosphere in ways that were reminiscent to me of the RPGmaker horror game subgenre, and for me, created a lot of memories of excitedly typing in my once a day dream suite visit late at night in my dorm. I never lacked variety- there were so many people either influenced or inspired by Aika to make a horror town that there are entire lists and tumblrs dedicated to collecting those codes. (I even played around with the idea of making my own horror town, but never found the right inspiration, instead dedicating my time to making themed homes and custom outfits based on different anime characters.)

The sad fact that so many of these towns have been altered or overwritten, if they’re available or accessible at all, is in itself, a part of their urban legend-like appeal. While many of us may never get to experience these towns, the stories about them endure, in lists on long-abandoned blogs and youtube videos from people’s playthroughs.

And that mystique is the real legacy of Aika; While the Nightmare Suites may be gone, the wonder and dreamlike memories many of us hold from our chance encounter with it will never fade. You could even say we’re a bit…haunted by it.

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gracieisnotmuchofawriter · 4 years

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Junk Ramble

It's a Wednesday morning, the air is cool and humid and I haven't been to bed since Tuesday morning. The fever is gone, the diarrhea is gone, and now it's just me. My leg has been bouncing since I got to the dorms in the evening. I keep thinking of that stupid orange bottle in my drawer, just at my right foot. I can feel the smoothness of the paper on the plastic tube. I can hear the clicking and clacking of the pills jarring against each other. The feeling of the plastic lid popping off with that airy, wispy sound. I can feel that chalky, acrid taste hit my tongue, the one that used to make me gag when I was a child.

I can almost remember Sunday night, Monday morning. The feeling of warmness, how abstract the idea of pain had become. I almost felt new, like whatever filth that lingered on my body and in my hair, just washed off. Like I had become that once pure little girl, dancing to whatever music she could find or hear. That girl who would devour books and go through crayons like she'd never run out of pages to color on. I remember the feeling of safety and security, curled up on my bed, wrapped around a pillow. I felt like I was floating, just in a constant state of the feelings of my kid self. When my eyes popped open, I felt disappointed. The feeling of filth came rushing to my senses. I knew, that after those warm feelings, my body would turn on me, punish me for this. I walked into the bathroom, starting the shower, feeling dizzy. Getting myself to class would be more like an out of body experience, like the translation of some supplies to a faraway land. I couldn't remember what I needed to do that day like my whole world just reset, or was it a forced shut down? I don't know, I'm not a computer, a computer wouldn't know what to do with a painkiller.

I sat on the toilet afterward, I held my face in my hands. I wanted to tell someone, I wanted to yell at my aunt, my brother, my sister, their partners, I wanted them to know that I'm being pulled apart. But I'm always the one who's scared of everything, the one who makes a mountain out of a molehill. Once, I went to the clinic because of this lump that appeared on my shin. It was plushy, everything around it was hard. I worried it might've been something serious, so I asked my aunt to take me. She kept telling me it was just a simple fatty deposit, she had a few of those on her own leg. But I was adamant about going to the clinic, hoping to get some clarification. In the end, my aunt was right. On the way home, she would only give me nothing but one-word responses or just noises. She didn't even look at me. When I asked if she was mad, all she said was that she was thinking about supper. My family speaks in silence. How do I get out of this? How do I have a conversation about this? How do I exhibit more disappointing behavior to people who are already beyond disappointed? What if I just said what I needed to say? Just have a long, eight-page letter about my growing dependence on my painkillers. How it makes me so sick I can't even concentrate in class after the weekend passes. How the cravings keep me up at all hours of the night, the morning, and the day. But if I know it's a problem, why don't I just stop? Why do I need anyone to know? What if this just makes me feel more like an outsider? Even now, here at school, it feels like my life is dominated by questions I can't really answer without worrying anyone. Maybe the love that drives the disappointment, the worry, and the anger is what's really important. Maybe in all those disappointed sighs, rolling eyes, and everything else, is the support I'm longing for. Maybe when I'm ignored, maybe when they give me silence, maybe that's the connection I want. Or maybe I'm just trying to justify shitty behavior. Maybe I'm just emotional and it doesn't call for this interrogation. I feel so alone.

When I got out of the bathroom, my shoulders started to ache. I put on pants, a shirt, a sweater, but when I went to put on shoes the stiffness made it's way to my knees. I had dropped myself back into the chair, the creaking echoed in my room and out into the bathroom. My face crumpled, trying to hold in any sort of sound that could escape my lips. I rubbed and I rubbed, but the dull ache wouldn't budge. I put my shoes on carefully, packed up my bag, and went on my way to the school. As I left the dormitory, my neck started to ache, the space between my shoulder blades started to stiffen up. I think I took too much.

I could feel the room get colder, my chest felt like it was freezing. I scratched the side of my head and saw my fingers were wet. I was sweating. Soon enough, everything sounded like an empty auditorium, just reverbed voices, and computer noises. I put my head onto the table, relieving some pressure on my neck. Finally, nausea came, my stomach felt like it was swirling. The room was freezing. I looked up, seeing everyone stare at the projector, everything looked like it was shaking. I got up in a hurry, barging into the hallway, walking earnestly around the corner into the bathroom. I ran into the open handicap stall, everything I ate last night came up. My face felt an insurmountable pressure, my throat stung as the bile and chunks of a microwavable Salsbury Steak poured into the toilet bowl. I sat back on the wall, in the dim stall. My fever started to ebb, but my stomach still felt slushy. I sat there, wishing for this to be over, I didn't want to lie to my instructor again for another Monday.

My stomach started to wring itself out, the ache was unbearable, I got up and sat down on the toilet. Trying to relieve pressure, I leaned forward, only for my abdominal muscles to constrict. I shot back up, gasping, pressing my back into the toilet, my stomach didn't hurt all that much at that point. It wasn't gone for long, as I sat back, my stomach poured itself out into the toilet. I felt like I was burning up, from my stomach and from my backside. I put my hands on the walls beside the toilet, trying to hold myself up as my stomach ached from the inside out.

After getting myself cleaned up, I saw that I had only been absent for fifteen minutes, I wouldn't have to answer so many questions this time. I walked into the hall and everything started to turn and my head felt hollowed out. The dizziness. I hugged the wall to get back to the classroom, jumping to the opposite side where the door was. I stood out of the way of the window in the door, trying to shield myself from the potential stares that I could attract. I took a few deep breaths, then I did my best impression of someone who isn't dizzy. My foot dragged when I tried stepping in, I know I said an expletive because everyone looked away from the projector and at me. I used my other foot to pull myself into the room, I still ate shit and dropped to my knees, but I wouldn't have to keep walking. My chair was right there, I lifted myself into it. My laptop on the table was spinning and resetting, spinning and resetting, spinning and resetting. Someone spoke to me while I watched my laptop spin and reset.

"You okay?" A person with a light concerned voice next to me said. I looked at them, I could see short white hair but I couldn't focus on their face.

"Hi." I said, I could hear everyone suppress their laughter. The white-haired person next to me giggled, I let out a light chuckle, too.

"Amber, do I have to call someone? Are you alright?" My instructor asked. At least this time had some humor to it.

"No, I'm okay, I just didn't get much sleep last night." I lied, my eyes felt pristine and unbothered (unlike right now). My body still ached, but it was much duller now.

After class, I went next door to get ready for the next one. The room was dark, lit up only by the window that overlooked the main hall. I opened my computer up, going to the Salient Design Cooperative to listen to the "The Salient Podcast". A new episode was up, "I Miss Calling My Teacher TEACH". I got my headphones out of my bag, but then I saw a green bottle levitate over my computer. I look up to see that person from earlier who asked if I was alright, I could see their face more clearly now. They were pretty.

I took the bottle from their hand, "Thank you." I say, as politely as I can muster.

"You seemed out of it earlier, you okay now?" They ask, their face filled with concern.

"I'm fine, thank you, I'm just tired." I chuckled at the end of the sentence, "Why a soda? You didn't have to do this."

"Uh, yeah I—" they looked behind me at the wall for a second or so, "I can't think of any excuse other than it made approaching you easier." She chuckled, though it was a bit awkward. (I'm just gonna call her a her until I get confirmation, she's very masculine but also very feminine and I don't know what to do, but she has girl hips so...)

"Do I have a resting bitch face?" I asked. The reality is though I'm just dealing with withdrawal most of the time.

"Yeah kinda." She nods. I almost want to tell her what actually happens, but then I'd be that girl who overshares everything with people she just meets. I may actually just have a resting bitch face.

"Why didn't you say before?" I say. My voice was small but kinda whiny, I put my hands on my cheeks, kneading the plushy deposits.

"You don't just tell people they have a resting bitch face." She says, her voice is kinda incredulous. I read that word somewhere and liked it.

"Why not? It'd be kinda fun watching people tell you to fuck off." I said.

"Is that a hint?" She asked, squinting her eyes at me.

"I mean you don't just tell people to fuck off." I say with a shit-eating smile on my face, the bottle hisses and cracks as I take the cap off.

Her eyebrows raise to the roof and holds her hands up, "Alright, alright, I'm going—"

"I'm kidding, sit down!" I said.

To be honest, I'm not sure where this entry is going, I just started thinking about Monday. Monday was so weird, from dealing with heavy withdrawal symptoms that don't cripple me, to making a friend. I guess I'm just trying to translate it into something cohesive. It's also really helping with my cravings right now, I don't feel so stir-crazy. A week ago I did it with painting, this week I'm doing it with writing. I guess I can add some color to that painting I did, now that design and painting aren't the only things in my life. I can add a splash of color to it now, to account for Jude. Oh and her name is Jude, we had a lot of get to know you date questions.

"So, where do you come from?" She said as she sat down across from me.

"I'm from here, this city." I say, though in all honesty, this city is quite small, it's mostly just five Burger King's and eight McDonald's with three Wendy's. "If you can call it a city."

"Lot of fast food joints..." She stops to nod her head, "There's like eight shopping centers that are just a Walmart and fast food joints."

"Where are you from?" I asked, but then I got to thinking of a more important question. "Actually, what's your name?"

"Jude and I'm from Lincoln." She says.

"Oh, my sister lives in Lincoln." I reply, at this point, I'm a feeling a little awkward since I just blind-sided her with the 'where are you from' question.

"That's cool does she like it—"

"Yeah there's a lot of fast food pla—"

We both stop to say 'Hmm?' Then I handwave her to continue, but she does the same at the same time as me. A long silence stretched over us, we sat there smiling at each other, expectantly. The silence grows bigger and my stomach coils into my chest, I know I have always been awkward, but this awkward?

"I really like Mountain Dew, thank you." I said, breaking the silence but my stomach pulls itself into a knot.

"Yeah, no problem," she paused, probably regretting spending the money on me at this point, "so which is your favorite Burger King?"

I can't help but giggle the knot out of my stomach, Jude joins in the laughter.

I really don't want to continue writing this, it's so awkward it makes me want to die. The fact that I could die tomorrow and my family and friends will read this will make me want to die again.

Amber

#short story #writing #writeaway #writeblr #writer #storytelling #epistolary #fiction #romance #love stories #love story #love

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softshelltaakos · 5 years

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alright, folks! if you know me you know that i 1) received the taz graphic novel for the holidays and 2) have hated the taz graphic novel since before it came out, and that 3) actually reading it in no way improved my opinion.

let’s review.

disclaimer: i love the mcelroys. i truly do. taz has gotten me through some very difficult stuff and i have a tattoo. all this to say i’m not doing this because i hate them or because i like hating things — on the contrary, i’m doing this because i care a lot about the podcast and analyzing things is what i do for fun and also because, like, it has issues that i want to talk about!

there are spoilers for the graphic novel and the whole of the podcast under the cut.

this is part 1, in which i’m talking about the actual storytelling and writing; for character design thoughts, you’re gonna have to stay tuned because i’ve been working on this for three and a half hours and i have shit to do. so!

let’s start off with the things i actually liked. there are a few!

the main characters get little intro cards, which i think are pretty cute. this isn’t all of them, but here’s a sampling (forgive my messy collaging):

[ID: four panels.

the first introduces magnus burnsides, a barrel-chested white guy with auburn hair and a fluffy beard and sideburns. he’s saying “trust me, if the law hassles us, i’m the guy you want at the front of the wagon. but look, if you want to drive so bad, i might let you spell me the next time the dwarf has to stop for a pee break.” there is a scroll with his name listed, as well as his race (human), class (fighter), and proficiencies: battle, carpentry, and “everything else... apparently”

the second introduces taako, a skinny mint-colored elf wizard. he’s blonde with pronounced lower lashes and a big pointy nose. he’s saying “hell, no! i’ve got stuff to do. i’ve read the books. adventurers are supposed to, like, forage for food and shit. bor-r-r-ring! no, thank you. not for taako.” the proficiencies on his title card are spell-casting, transmutation, and gastronomy

the third introduces merle highchurch, a brown dwarf with white hair pulled back into a bun and a big poofy beard. he’s saying “i’m studying my cantrips!” and his title card proficiencies are “healing... supposedly,” “religion stuff,” and bleeding

the fourth panel introduces griffin mcelroy, a white human man with brown hair and glasses wearing a collared shirt. he’s saying “guys! it’s me: griffin! your dm!” his title card shows his race as “actual human” and his class as “dungeon master,” while his proficiencies are podcasting, karaoke, and “weaving a rich tapestry of drama.”]

then there are a few cute references to other mcelroy stuff:

[ID: two side-by-side images. the first is a photo of justin mcelroy wearing a bib with “shrimpin’ ain’t easy” written on it in crayon. the second is a close-up of a similar bib on a goblin -- though the text is distorted, it’s the same phrase.]

[ID: magnus thoughtfully says “unless...” and the other boys echo him in traditional mcelroy fashion.]

barry also wears underwear that read “meloincloths” around the waistband, which i didn’t take a picture of because it was small and also i didn’t really want to take a picture of barry bluejeans’s underoos. but that’s cute!

as it mentions in magnus’s titlecard, there’s a running joke about him being proficient in everything. that gets some play in the podcast but it comes up a lot more here and i think it works pretty well and establishes early on that magnus is cocky and headstrong and all that. it’s actually introduced in the very first panel of the comic, where he mentions his vehicle proficiency, and then it comes up several more times.

there are some moments that shift out-of-character dialogue to in-character dialogue, and i think it works sometimes. notably, it occasionally happens with griffin’s dialogue, which i think is a good way to include his voice without constantly breaking the fourth wall. it’s done some, obviously, but it’s not to the point that it’s intrusive.

[ID: a panel featuring taako approaching the other boys, who are playing cards while they wait for him to scout the next room out. magnus asks, “would you say it is spooky... or beautiful?” and merle cuts in “or spookily beautiful?” followed by magnus finishing up with “or beautifully spooky?”

taako responds “if you were a gerblin you would actually find it a pretty chill den to, like, hang out in.”]

i also like the introduction of the voidfish static. i think it’s appropriately dramatic and does a pretty good job of emulating how it’s presented in the podcast.

[ID: a panel featuring killian, an orc woman with a crossbow. the lighting is dark gray-blue-green and she’s shouting something unintelligible marked by a cluster of consonants and a shaky, brush-strokey speech bubble distinct from the other speech bubbles stylistically.]

the scene where taako grabs the umbra staff is also appropriately dramatic, as is merle trying to talk down gundren/bogard from the gauntlet’s thrall, but those are full page images and very large, so i’m not including them.

then there’s this panel of lucretia, which slays me:

[ID: a closeup of madame director lucretia, a black woman dressed in blue with white hair, though her eyes are out of frame. she’s holding a white oak staff in her hands. she’s stopped mid-sentence and there’s a little jaggedy line near her head indicating surprise.]

this is lucretia turning around and seeing the boys for the first time since she dropped them off at their respective “homes.” she’s caught off-guard and i think this is a beautiful way of noting that without giving too much away, and this is a good moment of foreshadowing that she knows much, much more about them than she’s letting on. she catches herself quickly and gets back into the swing of things, but i think this is a very lucretia panel, and it’s probably my favorite panel in the book.

now it’s time for the negative.

first off, a nitpick: there are moments where the characterization feels very off -- at one point magnus is said to have been the kid who “always reminded the teacher that they had forgotten to hand out homework,” which... does not really match what we know of young magnus. at all. travis describes him as “a good but kind of rebellious kid, like he was probably kind of a little bit of a turd [...] who was kinda sarcastic” (ep. 60, the stolen century part one) which feels super incongruent with the homework thing.

my issues with characterization come into focus most strongly with taako. while a lot of moments get his voice down pretty well, there’s a major issue in his presentation, which is that from the very beginning, he’s bragging about his tv show.

[ID: several panels in which merle and taako are talking. the first is a wide shot with taako’s voiceover saying: “--and then the lights come up, and there i am, standing under a magnificent banner that reads:”

the second is taako posing under a spotlight, speaking in large, fanciful script: “sizzle it up with taako”

panel three is merle asking disinterestedly “so it’s a show... about cooking?” and taako replying emphatically “it’s about life!”

in panel four he adds “...told through the perspective of fine dining.”

another panel collaged in features a cookbook with taako’s face on it labeled “perfection: cook the taako way” and taako excitedly saying “i know that smell!! that’s my recipe for haunch a la taako!! it was in my very first cookbook!]

now, we all know that by the end of the show “taako -- you know, from tv?” has become a catchphrase of his, and i understand the desire to retcon that kind of thing into his personality from the start. it seems like a natural way to add character early on when in the podcast, the boys are still pretty underdeveloped at this point.

here’s the issue. neither tv nor the title “sizzle it up” are mentioned at any point during here there be gerblins. in the eleventh hour (e48, part 8 of that arc) we’re told that we’re six years out from the mass poisoning in glamour springs. while the maxfun donor bonus episodes, like the liveshows, play it a little bit fast and loose with canon, and this episode was the 2015 bonus episode (e48 didn’t come out until september 2016,) that’s the only real explicit sizzle it up development we have until the eleventh hour. i’ve transcribed some of the bonus episode below, as transcripts for it are not available via @.tazscripts.

justin: taako-- i’m sitting in a corner by myself with my hat sorta pulled down low so people don’t recognize me. and i’m just trying to eat my meal but i keep changing the items that i’m trying to eat into different substances, so every few minutes you hear from my corner of the tavern:

taako: damn it!

clint: i hate asparagus!

griffin: i turned this sandwich into wood!

[...]

justin: mainly, i’m just trying to be nondescript.

[...]

justin: the whole time i’m talking to [the tavern owner] i’m like, keeping my face down so he doesn’t recognize me.

griffin: why would anyone recognize you?

clint: why?

justin: well, taako, uh, used to host a cooking show. it was a very, very, very popular cooking show. uh, and--

griffin: what was it called?

justin: what?

griffin: the show.

justin: sizzle it up with taako.

this episode is when the boys take the job with gundren off of craig’s list, so the time gap between this and episode 1 is negligible at best. there is a moment where the other boys recognize taako and he doesn’t lie about his identity, but:

taako: (begrudgingly) yeah, i’m taako, i’m disgraced, you might have heard about the [poisoning] thing.

so... he’s clearly not putting himself on display the way he does later in the podcast. in episode 40 (lunar interlude III: rest and relaxation) which came out in may of 2016, we get the first reference to the poisoning itself:

taako: one time i transmogrified something that, uh… i transmogrified it into something you really shouldn’t eat, ever? for life, to live, i mean? And, uh, a lot of people ate that. and that went... so sideways. um... i-- i just decided i would never again cook for people i cared about, because i couldn’t risk, um, y’know, something happening to them. until i get this under control, i guess.

so we know that even at that point this is still something that troubles taako greatly. one might even say... he’s traumatized! and doesn’t talk about it! he does not go into detail about sizzle it up with anyone over the entire course of the podcast except for june while she is literally possessed by the chalice and forcing him to relive it. So. kind of a weird character take.

to skip ahead a little bit, most of the moonbase stuff is fine, but there’s one omission that feels very weird to me.

[ID: three panels. the left is a shot of the elevator hallway leading to the voidfish’s chambers. thb follow killian towards the elevators; johann is walking away from them. he’s a black human man with natural hair dressed in a silly bard outfit with a violin strapped to his back. he’s carrying a ton of scrolls.]

these three panels are the only time we see johann in the book. in the podcast it’s johann that escorts them to the voidfish’s chambers and inoculates them. it makes sense that this has been changed to lucretia in the gn; it gives her a much stronger entrance and cuts down on scene changes. but it also cuts out a lot of establishing things about johann that are all extremely important and set up not only his character arc but several core plot points.

it’s during that scene that we hear that johann’s greatest fear is being forgotten, and that that’s exactly what will happen to him and all of the other bureau employees when they die. it’s during that scene that we learn the basic mechanics of the voidfish and the mission of the bureau. it makes sense that some of that is going to be handled at the beginning of the next book (presumably) and i’m glad that lucretia is introduced here, but the gn adjusts it so that killian takes the boys into the elevator. that’s johann in the podcast, and it easily could have been johann here. it would’ve been a good chance to establish at least johann’s fears, which would be a weird and creepy setup for the voidfish mechanics when they do get revealed.

it’s just odd to me that johann, who is the reason for the song half of story and song, gets the short shrift here.

i’m gonna wrap up with one last thing. i wanna talk about arms outstretched.

griffin: and you’re both getting pulled into the rift now, and-- but with a 20, taako, you fight against the pull and both of you are flying backwards towards the center of the room, back towards the catwalk. and merle, you’re standing in front of the two liches, one in the form of magnus and one not. lydia just is there in her spectral form. and you’re standing next to a taako who’s gone completely catatonic.

[...]

griffin: okay, then, m—magnus and taako, you two are flying back towards the center of the room. the pull of this rift is still trying to suck you in. and out of nowhere, just merle turns around—turns his back to the two liches—and just outstretches his arms and as he does, you see, like, spectral versions of his soul-wood arm sort of reach out and grab you and he’s also pulling you back in too, now. and he rips both of you towards himself.

i don’t think it’s a stretch to say that this is one of the most emotionally charged moments in the show, and it’s that because it’s a moment where we see, crystal-clear, real character development and growth.

magnus, who rushes in, who has never wanted anything as much as he wants to be reunited with julia, actively resists the pull of death to help his friends.

taako, who’s good out here, who is so selfish that an entire town died because of his ego, risks his life to help his friends.

merle, who can barely feel his holy connection, who barely ever even heals, breaks planar bounds to help his friends.

we’ve been with these characters for 56 episodes. we’ve seen their worst regrets, we know their tragic backstories, we understand why they’ve been the jackasses they’ve been, and now we see them moving past that to work as a unit. one might even say as a family!

arms outstretched is a moment that has been earned over the course of those 56 episodes.

enter the graphic novel.

[ID: a full page. flames are everywhere and panels are intentionally chaotic. dialogue reads:

merle: maybe now would be good?

magnus: i’m a hero, not an idiot.

taako: actually, you’re both idiots!

he outstretches his arm from his position safe in a well.

taako: come on!

merle and magnus reach for taako’s hands. there is a closeup on their arms: merle and magnus each hold one of taako’s with one hand. then there’s a panel showing an explosion.]

this is obviously intended as a way to foreshadow arms outstretched. and typically i’m not against foreshadowing! i think one of the benefits of the graphic novel is that it’s an opportunity to insert foreshadowing in cool ways that were not necessarily possible given the in-progress nature of the podcast -- like i said earlier, that lucretia panel is a really great example of it. you can’t foreshadow arms outstretched in episode one because you have no idea it’s going to happen.

but here’s the thing. you also can’t foreshadow arms outstretched in episode one because it hasn’t been earned. these characters are not those characters yet. they don’t know each other. taako actively shuts down the title of “friend” earlier in the book. they’re not even coworkers yet. and you could make an argument that in the face of death, taako would try to save them, but... would he? really? he’s a pragmatist, and that’s putting it nicely. during the stolen century the only person he tries to get to safety at the risk of his own neck is lup, and, uh... neither of these guys are lup. hell, he doesn’t even know about lup right now, and we see in the podcast that not remembering her leaves him colder and more self-centered. he knows people are dust, but he doesn’t know there are people that aren’t. i truly don’t buy it.

the nature of adaptation is that things are going to change, and that’s fine; but this is such a major shift that it left me really jarred and unhappy with the writing. in the podcast itself, we get this:

killian: c’mon c’mon c’mon c’mon!

clint: decision made.

justin: yeah, i follow her.

travis: i follow her.

clint: me too.

griffin: the three of you dive into the well.

it makes sense that the gn adjusts this slightly so that magnus and merle try to pull some heroics and save everyone; i don’t have a problem with that. that’s a good adaptation of character that hadn’t exactly been seen yet, but comes to be a core enough part of the characters that it makes sense to insert it earlier. but even then, they could’ve gotten to the well without taako’s help. it’s just such a weird rewrite, and i really think it weakens the impact of arms outstretched itself.

i’ve been meaning to get my thoughts on this out for nearly a month at this point so if you’ve stuck with me this whole time, wow! thanks! i appreciate it! i’m not a professional, and obviously the mcelroys signed off on this, so i don’t really have space to say “oh, taako would never do this” or “oh, magnus was never like that” on a canonical level -- i know travis says something along those lines in one of the ttazzes. but as i said at the very beginning: this story means so, so much to me, and it’s really deeply frustrating to see an adaptation that handles things so... weirdly.

#prim.txt #tazposting #tazmeta #NEW TAG BABEY

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roses-and-grimoires · 6 years

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Character Study

(Cut for length.)

1. What’s the maximum amount of time your character can sit still with nothing to do?

Idristan likes to think that he wants to settle down somewhere, maybe focus on writing down everything he’s learned about voidsent and voidtouched, and start a very nice garden. But in truth, I don’t think he’s ever really gonna do that. He gets really restless when he has nothing to do. Plus, it doesn’t do his self-destructive habits any good...

2. How easy is it for your character to laugh?

Depends on how you’re going about it. He can appreciate wit and laughing at others. More traditional jokes might not fly as well.

3. How do they put themselves to bed at night (reading, singing, thinking?)

These days? He’s been mainly using a combination of alcohol and potions to more or less pass out. Usually he would read or think for a bit.

4. How easy is it to earn their trust?

Idristan believes in varying degrees of trust. Getting him to trust you completely is hard. He’s been living with some secrets that could get him killed for years, and it’s really hard to get him to open up entirely with anyone because of that--at least, if he gets a choice in the matter.

5. How easy is it to earn their mistrust?

Fairly easily. Again, varying degrees.

6. Do they consider laws flexible, or immovable?

Very flexible. Idristan believes in doing what is right--specifically, what he believes is right. If that means doing things that are illegal in the pursuit of that, then so be it.

7. What triggers nostalgia for them, most often? Do they enjoy that feeling?

Spending time in the Brume. The smell of beef stew. Snow on Starlight. And it’s mixed for him. He enjoyed his childhood, as much as could be expected, but there’s a lot of guilt and regret there now too. He is sorry he couldn’t be there for his sister for all those years or speak to his mother again before she died.

8. What were they told to stop/start doing most often as a child?

To stop getting into fights.

9. Do they swear? Do they remember their first swear word?

Oh, yeah. He mainly sticks to blasphemy, but slips in a bloody, shite, or fuck now and then. All that Limsan influence lately. And yes. If only because his mother came down hard on him for it.

10. What lie do they most frequently remember telling? Does it haunt them?

Honestly, it’s hard for him to keep track. Once you’re gone through a couple of different identities and general lying about your past, it can be hard to keep straight. Perhaps saying he’s fine when he’s really not--and that one has gotten him into trouble before.

11. How do they cope with confusion (seek clarification, pretend they understand, etc)?

He’ll ask for clarification. Often not very nicely, but he’ll ask.

12. How do they deal with an itch found in a place they can’t quite reach?

Grumble and try to ignore it.

13. What color do they think they look best in? Do they actually look best in that color?

Black, of course. And it’s not bad on him, though he can pull off white fairly well too.

14. What animal do they fear most?

Dragons. Certain voidsent.

15. How do they speak? Is what they say usually thought of on the spot, or do they rehearse it in their mind first?

Carefully. He tends to hold back a lot (see lack of trust). Certain topics you practically see his mind working as he judges answers.

16. What makes their stomach turn?

Working with cultists.

17. Are they easily embarrassed?

Yes. He is rather prideful.

18. What embarrasses them?

Weakness. Admitting he made a mistake.

19. What is their favorite number?

20. If they were asked to explain the difference between romantic and platonic or familial love, how would they do so?

“One is about the person you want to spend the rest of your life with and would do anything for.... the other is about your sister.”

21. Why do they get up in the morning?

Because lying around doing nothing is far worse.

22. How does jealousy manifest itself in them (they become possessive, they become aloof, etc)?

He tends to become possessive, and a bit sulky as well.

23. How does envy manifest itself in them (they take what they want, they become resentful, etc)?

Sooo much resentment. So much. He’s far better about it now that’s he’s older, but it flares up every now and then.

24. Is sex something that they’re comfortable speaking about? To whom?

To his partner he’s fine with it. To everyone else, not really. He thinks it’s something that should be kept private. Basically he’s still a bit of a prude--though he’s getting better about it.

25. What are their thoughts on marriage?

He likes the idea. He’s very much a monogamist and a traditional romantic. While he could live happily with a partner without ever making it official, there’s part of him that wants to do the whole ceremony and everything.

26. What is their preferred mode of transportation?

Anything but airships. Seriously. Anything.

27. What causes them to feel dread?

The thought that his secrets might come out. The idea that he might lose himself or hurt someone because of one of them. Inquisitors. Airship travel.

28. Would they prefer a lie over an unpleasant truth?

No.

29. Do they usually live up to their own ideals?

Yes, but he usually doesn’t see it that way himself. His standards for himself are far higher than those he keeps for other people.

30. Who do they most regret meeting?

Uathach, Draidetch, Richaud.

31. Who are they the most glad to have met?

@solennelagarde, of course. And @ser-gemini. And @synn-heolstor and Michaux... not he would ever admit that to either of their faces. And ARK as a whole is slowly getting there.

32. Do they have a go-to story in conversation? Or a joke?

No, he tends to wing it. And since most of his jokes are either at someone’s expense or rather grim and fatalistic, it’s perhaps for the best he doesn’t always start with them.

33. Could they be considered lazy?

Kind of. He gets bored easily, and that tends to result in him slacking off--or trying to pin whatever it is on someone else. If it’s something he actually cares about though? Hello obsession, my name is Idristan.

34. How hard is it for them to shake a sense of guilt?

That’s actually possible? Someone should really tell him; the guy hangs onto things and just beats himself up, sometimes for years. It’s not pretty.

35. How do they treat the things their friends come to them excited about? Are they supportive?

If it’s something that interests him, he’ll share in the excitement, at least to a degree. If not, you’re more likely to get a “yeah, that’s nice” and perhaps an attempt to change the topic.

36. Do they actively seek romance, or do they wait for it to fall into their lap?

He tends to wait for it.

37. Do they have a system for remembering names, long lists of numbers, things that need to go in a certain order (like anagrams, putting things to melodies, etc)?

For names he tries to memorize them along with the face. Or... sometimes tries, if he thinks it’ll actually be worth it. Long lists and numbers I can see him trying to turn into songs, or at least something he can hum.

38. What memory do they revisit the most often?

The happy ones are mainly of his family and the time he spent with Solenne and all of his friends in the last free company he was apart of. He doesn’t really try to dwell on them, especially now.

The unhappy ones... well, those tend to come up in nightmares and certain places. There are reasons he avoids certain places in the Shroud now.

39. How easy is it for them to ignore flaws in other people?

Very, very difficult.

40. How sensitive are they to their own flaws?

Oh, he’s aware of them. He just chooses to ignore them.

41. How do they feel about children?

He likes them. He wants some of his own one day.

42. How badly do they want to reach their end goal?

Extremely. It’s honestly a bit unhealthy.

43. If someone asked them to explain their sexuality, how would they do so?

“I mainly like women. Not that it’s likely any of your concern, because flings don’t really tend to interest me.”

QUESTIONS FOR CREATORS A) Why are you excited about this character?

He’s fun. He’s prickly enough to create conflict, but also has that hidden sense of empathy and concern for others--one that he will vehemently deny if you push him on it. He also has some fairly lofty goals that give him a direction to move in--even if it’s unlikely that he’ll ever achieve a few of them, watching him struggle is entertaining. Plus, he’s got a lot of stuff that he struggles with, so that can come into play--and a few secrets that can be danced around. Basically it’s just easy to throw him into things and see what happens. That and he’s gone through some really interesting growth already, and I’m interested in seeing which direction he moves in now.

B) What inspired you to create them?

Honestly? Two things. Thanks to the MSQ and some Ishgard rp I really started to like the setting and wanted an Ishgardian to play around on. Second, I fell in love with the characters from a podcast--or at least, the idea for one. Basically there was one guy who started out as a psychologist then got dragged into the occult and became a paranormal investigator. So I took the basic idea, twisted it a bit (voidsent hunter instead of investigator), and found a way to make it work with an Ishgardian backstory. He actually ended up pretty different than said character as a result, especially motivation-wise. C) Did you have trouble figuring out where they fit in their own story?

Sometimes. I feel like I’m really not that great at coming up with long-term plots, plus it hasn’t always been easy to find people that he bounces off of well. D) Have they always had the same physical appearance, or have you had to edit how they look?

Pretty much the same. I settled on what he would look like really on once I had an idea what I was working on.

E) Are they someone you would get along with? Would they get along with you?

No, probably not. I mean... the guy’s kind of a jerk. And he’s pretty particular about the people he likes. F) What do you feel when you think of your OC (pride, excitement, frustration, etc)?

Sometimes I just want to facepalm cause he’s a stubborn idiot who doesn’t always think about peoples’ feelings. But I’m proud of all the ways he’s changed too. G) What trait of theirs bothers you the most?

He is really self-destructive. He’s got some bad habits that he is actively not working on, has a bad tendency of pushing people away, and just.... being too prideful and stubborn to admit that he needs help. H) What trait do you admire most?

His stubbornness, ironically. He’s gone through a lot, yet he’s still around and he’s still empathetic to other people. He wants to do some good in the world. He hasn’t let it turn him completely resentful and bitter. I) Do you prefer to keep them in their canon universe?

I usually come up with new characters for new settings. An AU could be interesting though. J) Did you have to manipulate or exclude canon factors to allow them to create their character?

I had to dive really into Ishgard lore to make sure that I was getting everything right (hell, I had to check something fairly recently). So I feel fairly confident his backstory makes sense and fits with what we know. There’s been some other stuff that’s happened to him that’s a bit lore-bendy, and while I feel like I can justify it really well, I acknowledge what it is.

Tagged by: @ser-gemini Tagging: Anyone who wants to. It’s a bit long, so if you feel like it consider yourself tagged!

#ffxiv #balmung #idristan agache #thanks for tagging me

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brentrogers · 4 years

Text

Podcast: Anxiety and Anger: A One-Two Punch

Do you struggle with anger? Did you know that some of our most hot-headed moments are actually rooted in anxiety? In today’s podcast, Jackie openly shares her own fuse-blowing moment when her husband’s keys were (gasp!) missing from the hook, and now she must face being late for therapy and perhaps even lie dying on the side of the road. How did she handle this catastrophic situation her mind so graciously forewarned her about?

Does this sound familiar? Join us as we discuss anxiety-driven anger and explore ways to minimize and possibly even prevent it.

(Transcript Available Below)

SUBSCRIBE & REVIEW

About The Not Crazy Podcast Hosts

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar disorder. He is the author of the popular book, Mental Illness is an Asshole and other Observations, available from Amazon; signed copies are also available directly from Gabe Howard. To learn more, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.

Jackie Zimmerman has been in the patient advocacy game for over a decade and has established herself as an authority on chronic illness, patient-centric healthcare, and patient community building. She lives with multiple sclerosis, ulcerative colitis, and depression.

You can find her online at JackieZimmerman.co, Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn.

Computer Generated Transcript for “Marriage- Depression” Episode

Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Announcer: You’re listening to Not Crazy, a Psych Central podcast. And here are your hosts, Jackie Zimmerman and Gabe Howard.

Jackie: Hey, everyone, and welcome to this week’s Not Crazy. I’d like to introduce my co-host, Gabe, who lives with bipolar disorder, and is really, really wonderful.

Gabe: I would like to introduce my co-host, Jackie, who lives with major depression.

Jackie: And is not wonderful. Whatever. That’s actually a really great segue, Gabe, because as you may know, a couple weeks ago we talked about bipolar anger and I was pretty angry that I didn’t get a chance to share some of my experiences, not with bipolar anger, but with anger that is rooted in anxiety. And so I thought that that would make a good episode too, to continue the anger talk, I guess, but to redirect it towards anxiety.

Gabe: If you haven’t listened to that episode, you should definitely go and check it out and you don’t have to have bipolar disorder to learn anything from it, because one of the things that it talks about is how anger is on a spectrum from irritability to rage and everything in between. I mean, we really kind of delve deep. So it’s a little asterisk there that we might reference the episode. But, you know, we might not we don’t know what we’re doing.

Jackie: We’re winging it every episode; we’re just winging it.

Gabe: But Jackie, you made a good point when the show wrapped up. Jackie and I were talking and Jackie said, you know, do you think we made the point that people without bipolar disorder can be irrationally angry? And I said, well, I don’t know that we ever discussed it. And then Jackie explained:

Jackie: Oh, but we can, and by we, I mean people who live with anxiety and experience, these little like blips, I guess, of completely irrational moments of anger. And the number one reason why I really wanted to talk about this was because I didn’t know this was anxiety until I had a very clear conversation with my therapist. Shout to Kristen, as usual, we know I love her. Because I would have these moments where I would get so angry so fast. And I knew that it was irrational. I knew it didn’t make sense. I knew that I was completely overreacting. But I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t figure out what it was and I couldn’t figure out why. Whatever it was, it was making me so angry. And as it turns out, that was my anxiety.

Gabe: Anxiety is this far reaching kind of emotion. On one hand, anxiety is kind of good. I mean, it’s the hairs on the back of your neck that stick up. It’s a warning system and sometimes it’s good to be nervous. Before I go on to a stage to give a speech, I always have, you know, the butterflies in my stomach. You know, I’m just a little bit nervous. And I kind of like that because it shows me that I understand the gravity of what I’m about to do. I’m taking the situation seriously, which makes me more prepared. But an anxiety disorder, of course, is when that anxiety is too much and that anxiety has to manifest itself in something, whether it’s an anxiety attack or just in Jackie’s case, what we’re now calling blip rage.

Jackie: Blip rage? I like it. Yeah, it is not a fun thing to experience. And mostly because I know that when this happens, it’s almost always directed at my husband. My lovely husband, Adam, who does not deserve any of this blip rage. But he’s on the receiving end most of the time because it’s something, sorry, Adam, something that he’s done that is not a big deal, but it has triggered this little bit of anxiety that turns into anger. And so then I’m like just raging at him. And I know it’s wrong. And then I feel bad while I’m doing it. But you can’t stop. You know, it’s like when you’re eating like a jar of Pringles and you just can’t stop eating the whole thing. Or is that

Gabe: Are you literally going to say once you pop, you can’t stop?

Jackie: It’s so appropriate.

Gabe: Pringles, ladies and gentlemen, sponsoring Not Crazy since never. Since never.

Jackie: Well.

Gabe: Straight up, never.

Jackie: Anxiety. Once you pop the anxiety thing, it’s just like full steam ahead.

Gabe: So I think that people listening are like what you just said, that your husband did something wrong. So it’s your response to it that’s unrealistic. I think we’ve kind of followed along in that. But just to kind of ground this for us. Can you give us an example of something that your husband did wrong and your disproportionate angered to said situation?

Jackie: I have so many examples, but something happened a couple of weeks ago, and well, now that I know that this is anxiety, I’m able to like talk myself down sometimes where I’m like, this is just anxiety. You’re not actually angry. But when I left the house, I will tell this story. But when I left, I went through what I was deep thinking. Right. Like where the panic was coming from. And then I was able to explain that to Adam later.

Gabe: Ok. But what did Adam do?

Jackie: I’m getting there. OK. So this is what happened. I was leaving for therapy. Actually, this is like the greatest part of all of this. I was leaving for therapy. Adam was parked behind me. I leave chronically early for everything because I hate being late because it makes me anxious. So I’m like leaving early. We’re good to go. I know he’s parked behind me, but that’s fine because his keys are on the hook and I’ll just move his car until his keys are not on the hook anymore. And now I start to panic because I’m gonna be late. I hate being late. You’re unreliable when you’re late. People judge you when you’re late. So I’m like, Adam, where are your keys? And he goes, Oh, they’re in my pants pocket in your office. I go into my office. There’s no fucking pants in my office. So there’s no fucking keys in my office. So now it went from zero to furious in literally four seconds. From couldn’t find the keys to couldn’t find the keys to now I’m ready to murder somebody. So.

Gabe: I can hear you getting angry as you retell

Jackie: Oh, my God, I’m reliving it.

Gabe: the story.

Jackie: I’m getting, I’m getting just so anxious.

Gabe: Yeah, I mean, listening to your voice, you started off with, let me explain this thing that happened between me and my beloved. And then all of a sudden, the F word came out. And you were just like

Jackie: I know.

Gabe: There’s no keys! Where are my keys? So we all agree that not being able to find your keys in the grand scheme of things is not that big of a deal. And also, you live in like a twelve hundred square foot house. So there’s just a finite place that they could be.

Jackie: Right. Right. I know this. So Adam gets out of bed. He walks four steps in a different direction and picks up his keys and goes. Here they are. Well, I’m already furious at this point. Right? Because I’m going to be late. I get the keys. I am honestly approximately probably a total of 40 seconds later than I had anticipated being. But this is the 40 seconds that’s gonna make the difference in my day. I was not even a block away from the house and I immediately felt guilty and like a dickhead. So I was like, all right, just what happened? What just happened, self? Because that one was like kind of a doozy.

Gabe: Hang on, hang on, Jackie. Let me back you up for a moment. When you started doing this self-talk, this sort of chain analysis of what was going on in your mind and what was happening and why you lost your shit on Adam, had the anger subsided? Were you now back to normal? I’m trying to avoid using the phrase. Had you calmed down?

Jackie: So I was in the car driving, and now this is just anxiety, right, like heart rate faster. Everything is just more intense. I’m not mad anymore. Now I just have lingering like heart palpitations. I’m still anxious, like heightened anxiety, but the anger part is slipping away. And that’s when I start to feel like I was a jerk in that moment where I can feel it slipping away.

Gabe: The anger has started to subside, so your rational brain is starting to take over, and that’s when you sort of realize that you got angry at Adam for essentially either doing nothing wrong depending on how you look at it, or doing something just minor. A minor household infraction, you lost your shit over. So guilt is probably the next feeling that is about to like form in your brain.

Jackie: Yes, I almost immediately called him and apologized. I went to therapy and on the drive there, it’s about 20 minutes away. I was thinking about what was actually the anxiety process. Right. What was I so anxious about? What was it that I was worried would happen? As you may know, if you live with anxiety, a lot of anxiety is rooted in fear. Whether we know it or not, most anger is also rooted in fear. So it’s not terribly surprising when they present in similar ways. And so I was trying to think about what was I afraid of. And then I wanted to be able to explain this to Adam later, because we’ve gotten past the point of identifying this anger as anxiety. He knows it’s anxiety now, but it doesn’t make it any better. It doesn’t make it any easier to understand. And it damn sure doesn’t make me feel any less guilty after it happens.

Gabe: What do you do with that guilt? So now your anger has calmed down, your rational brain has taken over. You are now back to the Jackie Zimmerman that we all know and love. But you’ve got this thing in your past that happened. So what do you do?

Jackie: I went to how can I explain this to Adam? How can I help him understand irrational anxiety, anger? Not to be like, well, now you get it, so it doesn’t matter if it happens, it doesn’t count anymore. But to me, it felt like if I could get him to understand when he sees this happening, he might not take it personally. Basically, it might just be like this is a behavior that you have that we work through. And I can help calm you down in these moments as opposed to being like, figure it out. The keys are on the hook kind of thing.

Gabe: One, I’m going to say, as your friend who is always on your side in any fight that you get into with your spouse. Yeah, yeah, he should help you manage your emotions and learn to be a better spouse for an irrationally angry and anxious person. I got your back. And then I’m going to say, really? You think Adam has to help stop you from being an anxious, irrational, angry person? Like Adam has any culpability here? Why are you involving him in this?

Jackie: Here’s why. And no, I don’t think that’s his responsibility. But Adam asks regularly in these moments, how can I help you? What can I do to make this better? And these are the moments where I’m like, well, you could put your fucking keys on the hook. That would have made it better.

Gabe: But that’s not helpful.

Jackie: No, it’s not. Right. So I’m thinking, what can I do to make this helpful? And this is what I realized. And I got home and I told Adam this. I know in that moment it looked like we couldn’t find your keys. And I left 40 seconds later than I anticipated and I lost my shit. But this is actually what was happening. I’m good. I’m leaving on time. Everything’s gonna be great. And then it’s oh, shit, I’m not leaving on time. So then I’m gonna be in a different traffic pattern and then this traffic pattern is gonna have an accident. And now I’m gonna get in an accident because I’m 10 minutes later than I was supposed to be. And so now I’m gonna be on the side of the road dying because you didn’t put your fucking keys on the hook. I put my keys on the hook. I shouldn’t be dying on the side of the road. This completely irrational thought pattern. It took me a minute to realize it, but that’s really what happened. I was worried because I left four seconds later, I’d be in a different spot on the freeway than I was supposed to be. That was gonna be the problem spot and something terrible was gonna happen because I didn’t leave when I thought I was supposed to leave.

Gabe: You became a victim of catastrophic thinking. It’s where you played out the worst possible scenario in your own mind and then responded to it as if it actually happened. One of the things that helped me really early on with catastrophic thinking is it can go the other way, right? You can decide that, oh my God, Adam saved your life. If you would have left on time, you would have got run over by a bus. But because you left 40 seconds later, you were in a different traffic pattern. You were on the freeway at a completely different time. So now that bus, when it changed lanes, your car wasn’t there. You are alive today because Adam didn’t put his keys on the hook. That is just as likely as a scenario as the one that our brains give us. Except that the ones that our brains give us are almost universally negative. But you know what? They both are false, not reality, didn’t happen. Untrue. Completely and entirely made up.

Jackie: No, that’s totally right. It is catastrophic to the worst possible degree. Right? Literally 40 seconds difference. And I’m dead on the side of the road in this scenario, too. Also, like I couldn’t reach my phone. Like, I went really into it really far and I came home and I explain this to Adam and he looked at me like, first of all, you are fucking crazy. Like, literally, how did you get there from my keys are not on the hook. And I was like, this is what anxiety does to me. Right? I get anxious about what’s supposed to happen. And then when it’s not happening, I go immediately into a deep, dark hole.

Gabe: One of the things that we love about our spouses, of course, is that they ask us follow up questions and that they try to understand and I sincerely hope that all of our listeners have someone in their life to help them manage anxiety, mental illness, depression, bipolar, schizophrenia, whatever. I know that many people don’t, but if you get somebody that wants to help you, you have to take responsibility to train them. You become their sensei and they are your mental illness ninja.

Jackie: Yeah, something like that.

Gabe: Listen. It was much cooler in my head, Jackie. But go with it. Adam was nice enough to ask and I know you made the joke. You wanted to say, put your fucking keys on the hook, but you didn’t because you want Adam to be able to help. So you’ve tried to explain it to him. You have explained it to him because the answer makes you look fucking crazy. That’s a really weird thing to think. But what advice did you give Adam to help you? Because I know that you didn’t just say, Oh, Adam, I’m going through this crazy anxiety. I’m catastrophizing everything. And I’m just, I’m just nuts. So just tell me to calm down and I immediately will. That cannot be what you did. What did you actually do? What worked?

Jackie: Two things in this scenario. One, I did not say that at all. I kind of wish that I had, though, just to see the look on his face. In this scenario, I found the words to explain exactly what was happening. Right? Because I’ve said to him multiple times, Oh, it’s my anxiety. You can tell that I’m anxious. I’m mad right now, but it’s just anxiety. But I really broke it down into like, it’s not just anxiety. It’s me, literally catastrophizing and dying on the side of the road. That’s why I got upset. So I think if you can dig deep down and really picture what your anxiety is telling you and you can verbalize that to somebody. I do think it helps because, one, it puts your crazy in front of somebody else, which feels vulnerable, but also, I think, teaches them why it’s so bad. It really shows them what’s happening in your head and helps them hopefully understand at least a little bit.

Gabe: And it’s honest.

Jackie: Yeah.

Gabe: There is a freedom in telling somebody what happened and being aware that it makes you sound ridiculous or insane or crazy or nuts or whatever word we want to use. But you’re admitting that you were wrong. Right. You were admitting that what you did was wrong. I’d like to think that you’re apologizing for it. I don’t want to put words in your mouth there. Jackie.

Jackie: I did apologize numerous times.

Gabe: We’ll be right back after these messages.

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Jackie: And we’re back talking about anger caused by anxiety.

Gabe: Everything that we’ve talked about up until now was sort of making amends after the fact, explaining what happened after the fact. Did you get to a conversation where you’re like, look, the next time this happens? It would be helpful if you could try to do X? Like, are you working together to try to prevent this from happening in the future?

Jackie: A little bit. We’re not great at it because most of the stuff that would make it better is proactive approaches, not reactive like. Put your fucking keys on the hook.

Gabe: I love how this is still Adam’s fault. Right?

Jackie: I mean.

Gabe: Why is the proactive approach not care that the keys weren’t on the hook?

Jackie: Well, because I have to be on time.

Gabe: Right, you have to be on time. But why is the proactive approach not leave two minutes earlier so that you have a built in 120 seconds to find Adam’s keys that you only need 40 seconds to find?

Jackie: Well, because what you may not realize is that in this scenario, I am already leaving at least 15 minutes earlier than I need to be leaving. But if for some reason I don’t leave the door until 10 minutes before I need to be leaving, then I’m late. Right? Again, these are not rational thoughts, Gabe. This is irrational shit. And it’s the unexpected, right? It’s not so much that Adam’s keys weren’t on the hook, but they were on the table. It’s that they weren’t on the hook. And then they weren’t where you said they were. So then it was like, well, now they could be anywhere, right? Then we just freaked out. And what if we never find them? And I’m stuck here forever and I don’t go to therapy and then I’m a disaster? This is how it goes. So.

Gabe: I’m still going to give push back, though, that it seems like your solution to this problem is not for you to make changes, but for Adam to make changes like that can’t be the take away, Jackie.

Jackie: Honestly, part of it is on him because there are times when, like we leave the house together and I’m like, we have to leave at noon. We have to. Or otherwise I know in my head I’m going to have a meltdown because we’re late, and he’ll like wait until 11:59 to put his shoes on. And then I’m already like, we’re gonna be late, right? So these are moments where I’m like, hey, you know that I get very anxious when we don’t leave on time. So if we could work together to really leave on time, that would be lovely. Right? So some of this is teamwork in that we need to make sure things are where they’re supposed to be and or we leave when we say we’re going to.

Gabe: All right. Jackie, but all of this is predicated on the idea that your spouse, your family members want to help. Not everybody has that. Some people live with their roommates and their roommates are not their mom or dad and doesn’t love them. It’s not their spouse, et cetera. And that person is like, look, I’m sorry that my keys weren’t there, but this is your problem. This is completely your problem. I’m not going to live with a crazy person that does this. What advice do you have for them? I mean, you’re lucky you live with Adam. What are the rest of us do? We all don’t live with Adam.

Jackie: I know. I’m so lucky I live with Adam. The other thing that I do, I’m not great at it, but I can do sometimes, is I have learned ways to talk myself down. Slash, self-soothe, whatever you want to call it. Sometimes it is very silly things that feel stupid to say. You feel like such an idiot when you’re trying to self-soothe. But one of the things that I learned in therapy was essentially to just tell yourself that you’re safe and you’re comfortable. Just keep repeating like in a circle that like, I’m safe, I’m comfortable, I’m happy. A lot of these affirmations, if nothing else, it distracts you from the anxiety that’s circling around your head. I still have an issue where I feel like an idiot saying these things out loud. So I don’t do that one very often. What I do is I kind of lean into the anxiety where I go, like, what’s the worst case scenario here? And then try to work myself back from it. If that makes sense.

Gabe: Yeah. What you’re describing is chain analysis. It’s where you get yourself to the worst possible scenario. And then you go back to the second worst possible scenario and then the third and you just kind of moving yourself all the way back to where you are now. And when you put all of those things, you know, in your brain, when you analyze them one at a time, you see just how many steps are between where you are now and where the worst case scenario is that makes you feel better. I took the liberty Jackie, of getting on the Internet and searching for ways to calm anxiety. And the first one right up at the top was leave early. So you’ve kind of messed that up because you’re leaving early and you’re still panicked. I understand. But I guess I just want the audience to know that leaving extra time is something that works for a lot of people. They’re not as worried about being late. If they just leave 15 minutes early for everything because they’ll either get there 15 minutes early. Which case? Hey, use your phone in the parking lot, stop and get a cup of coffee. Who cares? Or they have the 15 minutes to be late because of the aforementioned train crash on the freeway, I guess.

Jackie: Yeah. Who put that train on the freeway? I don’t know. But, you know.

Gabe: It was a terrible idea. Other examples they gave are the affirmations I’m going to be OK, this is not a major setback. This is not a big deal. Counting to 10 breathing exercises. The one, though, that I like the most and one that I use and I did not even realize that this was an anxiety technique is fidget toys. I carry a little fidget toy. I bought it off the Internet. I think it was like six bucks. Keep it in my pocket. And when I’m really, really stressed out, I pull it out of my pocket and I just start playing with it just right there, because focusing on that little fidget toy, moving it around, spinning the little gears, the buttons, the different tactile feels, even the way it kind of clinks together. It’s very soothing to me. You can also do this with pictures on your phone. You know, look at pictures of your last vacation. I know I tease you because you have you and Adam’s wedding picture as your screen saver on your phone. But, you know, I imagine that this helps reduce anxiety.

Jackie: Another thing that I do a lot when I’m just anxious is I meditate, and it really works well for me. But when I am angry because of my anxiety, I’m not going to meditate. I can’t focus. I got to be angry. Right. So for me, some of the self-talk, because it redirects the thought process. This didn’t work in the scenario I gave you with the keys on the hook. Because in my head, I was already late. I wasn’t late. But in my head, it was late. In these other scenarios, when I’m not feeling like I’m going to be late, I’m just really anxious because we’re not leaving on time. I give myself moments to really walk through it and be like, this is not so bad. You’re gonna be five minutes late. It’s gonna be fine. Right? Talking myself down. It didn’t work this time because I already felt like I was dying on the side of the road before I even left the house. But I do work really hard to internalize talking myself down to the point where like, this is fine. You know, this is fine. This is not going to be a big deal.

Gabe: Jackie, you’ve kind of hit on a chronic problem with self-soothing. Oftentimes we start it too late. We wait until the anger kicks in before we pull out the fidget spinner, before we look at the picture, before we do the affirmation, before we count to 10, before we are aware of our breathing and practice some sort of mindfulness. We have to get better at doing it too early because what would be the bummer? What would be the bummer if you’re like, okay, I can’t find Adam’s keys, I’m going to count to ten right now. You didn’t need to count to 10. So, I mean, like what? The horror. Oh, my God. You counted to 10 or you told yourself you were a good person or you looked at a picture on your phone that made you happy? No. How dare you? How dare you have an unsolicited, unwarranted moment of joy? We have to give ourselves permission to use coping mechanisms before we need to cope. Right? They can be preventative. So many people want to whip these things out after the tiger is out of the cage. That’s not what we should do them.

Jackie: I definitely agree, and I think that in some of these scenarios where like I leave early, that’s my attempt at being proactive when something comes up unexpected like keys on the hook where you can’t predict it. That’s when I think you need to know what works for you, right? Is it self-soothing via talk? Is it meditating? Is it counting? Like what is the reactive thing that is going to work for you? And just know it, have it in your back pocket. Because what really sucks is being this person and apologizing for it all the fucking time. Right? Being like I know that that was shitty. Sorry. Hey, this happened yesterday. I’m sorry again. I couldn’t figure out how to talk myself off a cliff, so I yelled at you. That’s not a fun place to be. So it’s much better to know what works for you and try to remember to use it because being a dick is not fun for anybody.

Gabe: Jackie, all I know is that for Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries, any gift giving holiday that happens between Gabe and Jackie, I am giving you and Adam an extra set of keys to Adam’s car. You’re just gonna be drowning in extra keys because honestly, at this point in the show, if all of the audience is just not like, you know, I have two keys to my car, why do they only have one? I don’t think they’re paying attention.

Jackie: He didn’t know where his spare set was. I’m just putting it out there.

Gabe: Thank you, everybody, for listening to this episode of Not Crazy. Wherever you downloaded the podcast, please rate, review, and subscribe share us on social media and use your words to tell people why they should click on and listen to us. You can always e-mail us at [email protected]. Tell us what you like. Tell us what you don’t like. Or tell Jackie where she can buy a third set of keys for Adam’s car. Remember, we always put outtakes after the credits and we will see you next week.

Jackie: See ya.

Announcer: You’ve been listening to Not Crazy from Psych Central. For free mental health resources and online support groups, visit PsychCentral.com. Not Crazy’s official website is PsychCentral.com/NotCrazy. To work with Gabe, go to gabehoward.com. To work with Jackie, go to JackieZimmerman.co. Not Crazy travels well. Have Gabe and Jackie record an episode live at your next event. E-mail [email protected] for details.

Podcast: Anxiety and Anger: A One-Two Punch syndicated from

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