#now I am gonna be so sad if we don't get this ._.

[antiendovents]

abt discussion "is functional multiplicity a way of being non-disordered system?" if no one minds, am gonna add my opinion too.

functional multiplicity isn't non-disordered way of being system. it's like remission / recovery.

when you have some chronic condition, you can manage it and feel fine. you can show fewer symptoms or don't show them at all. but you still have this condition.

if you are on meds for arthritis and don't have active inflammation now, you still have arthritis. you may still have some impairment of damage that was already made. it may flare up. your meds may stop working or start working worse. and your symptoms will return.

also, if nothing of above happens, your life, needs, and experience are not the same as life, needs, and experience of people without arthritis. you need your meds to feel good. you need to go to appointments. you need to be careful with some things. you have different risks and so on.

and also. you have experience. you know how it feels. you know what it is. your life was changed by having arthritis, and you don't lose this experience when your symptoms leave.

so same with osddid. if you reached functional multiplicity. you still have some symptoms (having alters is a symptom). you still may split more alters, get more amnesia, get more other dissociative symptoms. and you still have experience. very personal-forming experience, don't know how to word it better. your brain doesn't work like singlets brains. your alters (in functional multiplicity case) aren't like singlets parts of personality. you can't close this door and unteach your brain to dissociate, split, create amnesia barriers. you also can't erase trauma from your brain development. (early life trauma makes HUGE influence on brain development, and even not only brain but the rest of the body too).

osddid is a super complex experience. it's early trauma. it's very specific experience of not being singlet, of not having singlets personality. it's alters (if we talk abt systems). it's amnesia (not always). it's dissociative symptoms. it's cptsd. and more and more and more.

it's super complex, super influencing. endos often see osddid like "cool dudes in your head and nothing more", and it's offensive exactly because of these reasons. because osddid is WAY more. and functional multiplicity is not "cool dudes in your head and nothing more" too. it's sad, but there's no such thing as "cool dudes in your head and nothing more".

that's why people don't lose osddid diagnosis when reach functional multiplicity.

sorry for being long, boring, and complicated.

nod, nod. That's what I thought, I'm glad to have others agree. Even once you've healed and reached functional multiplicity you still have alters, which are a symptom, and probably a few other symptoms too, which means you have the disorder. Even with final fusion, you're still disordered because your brain can always split again, since splitting is a coping mechanism that cannot be unlearned

#anti endo #did #did system #endos dni #plural #actually did #alters #system #endos fuck off #did osdd #I don't know too much about final multiplicity or final fusion #Only basic information #So correct me if I make any mistakes guys 😭

[sunflowerskies00]

bet my heart, part 7

bees are gonna make wild honey

series masterlist

"You're distracted," Jake informs me as the band stops. I knew it. He knew it. We all knew I was distracted. This sound check was going to shit, and we all knew it.

"Thank you for that captain obvious," I roll my eyes at him.

"We can take a break," Damien offers. I shake my head, we couldn't. We needed to get the sound check done, and I needed to know that my show tonight wasn't going to be an absolute shit show. I didn't have high hopes for either one of those things to be successful.

"Let's just run it one more time," I say.

"Sage," Jake says. I glance over towards him, and he has an all-knowing look on his face.

"Okay, five minutes," I agree. I put my mic down and I'm off the stage in a matter of seconds. I hear footsteps behind me and I assume it's Jake. He's in front of me before I realize it, and he comes to a stop so I can't keep going.

"What's going on with you? Is it Quinn?" He asks. I raise an eyebrow, he knew it was Quinn, he just wanted me to give him the confirmation of his assumptions. "Fine, I know it's Quinn, what's going on?" He asks.

"I don't know," I answer honestly. He raises an eyebrow at me this time, waiting for me to elaborate. "I don't know what's going on between us, we have a lot to talk about and I have to wait for him to get here in a couple of days," I explain.

"Oh, so you two are finally going to admit you're in love with each other?" He asks. Apparently, I must have some weird look on my face because his next words are, "Don't look at me like that, we all know you're in love with him, and he's in love with you, the only two people who don't realize it are you and Quinn, it's sad really." My mouth opens, but I don't say anything just stare at him. "Just take five, breathe, do what you need to do, but just know that everyone knows that man is in love with you it's sad," That's all he says before leaving and I'm assuming going back to the stage. I spend the next five minutes with my back pressed against a wall, eyes closed, and trying to get my shit together so I can make it through this sound check and concert.

My mind is still racing when I walk back onto the stage and pick up my microphone.

"You good?" Damien asks. I nod my head, even if I wasn't, I could fake it.

"Can we switch it up for sound check guys?" I ask them.

"What song?" Jake asks.

"Let's do an old one, one that I gave to someone else, Friends Don't," I suggest. I had written the song a couple of years ago, and it didn't fit the vibe I had going on in my music so it got sold to another artist, however, the song was about my not-so-friend-like relationship with Quinton.

Miraculously I make it through our soundcheck song, shocking for everyone. What's even more shocking is when I leave the stage, Quinn is standing there, staring at me. He wasn't supposed to get in until late tonight, so I'm confused as to why I'm looking at him right now.

"I thought you're plane landed at like midnight? I ask him. That's what leaves my mouth instead of hi.

"It was supposed to, but I was going insane so I rearranged my schedule, and here I am," He lifts a shoulder, it's a half-shrug. He was here, we could talk, I needed this conversation to happen. I take a step closer to him and then Lucy appears out of nowhere.

"Hair, makeup, clothes," she says. I glance at Quinn, I'm sure the desperation for this conversation is showing in my eyes.

"Go, do your job, I'll be here whenever you're done," he says, a small smile on his face. I force a nod and follow Lucy down the hall, tossing one last glance back at Quinn.

#quinn hughes #quinn hughes imagine #quinn hughes fic #vancover canucks #jack hughes #luke hughes #nhl imagine #nhl hockey #trevor zegras #cole caufield #quinn hughes x oc

[nguyenfinity]

Every time I draw Mamagi it does AoE damage (I am also in the area of effect)

Lighthearted bonus:

#enstars #hiiro amagi #rinne amagi #i don't know if this is a bad time to be amagi-posting given that hiiro's fs2 just dropped but. oh well #also this might be the last thing i draw for a bit because i am in the final stretch of this semester #if you sent in a request. i will get to it and thank you for your patience #anyways i know i'm kinda being like 'haha rinne mama's boy' which like. yeah but also sometimes-- #--sometimes you're an adult in their 20s and like. yeah sure you're technically an adult or whatever but you still feel like a kid yeah? #and sometimes you just maybe want your mom to help you when you're lost or confused or when you need someone to tell you it'll be okay #but you won't get that for whatever reason #sincerely: an adult in their 20s #....can you tell why rinne is like. a vibe to me now #anyways i'm not saying mamagi dying was a necessary evil but if hiiro and rinne had an adult who actually loved them at home they probably- #-wouldn't have left and we wouldn't have the main story #if she was alive today tho she'd be going to their lives sorry i don't make the rules (yes i do) #if she ends up being exactly like the rest of their village in some future lore i'm gonna be so sad. #she'd throw hands with niki's parents #imagine leaving your sons behind because you straight up died (couldn't really do anything about that) #meanwhile your son's boyfriend's parents just. up and left him because they could #also posts with her will be tagged mamagi #if you read all that <3 #mamagi #she'd adopt all the bees and alkaloid too #imagine if they got their singing skills from her #also mamagi 1 rinniki shipper (also does not care it's not legal) #rinniki

[dazais-guardian-angel]

I'm finding it difficult to reconcile the fact that what I've always wanted and envisioned for Nikolai and his relationship with Fyodor based on fanworks and the very very little canon information we've had to go off of so far, will very likely be very different from what we actually get.

While I understand the appeal of Fyodor taking over Nikolai's body via his blood ability, and the inherent, romantic, ironic tragedy of that — for Nikolai, the person who yearned for freedom, to meet an end by having his soul eternally trapped in the body of the person he loved the most, while Fyodor lives on in his body, never truly knowing how much he was adored by him — I would just hate the idea of that happening now? It just feels far, far too soon for Nikolai to be dead, for his character to no longer have a role or a purpose; his mind and behavior is so utterly fascinating in all its bizarre contradictions, there's so much more to explore and discover with him, he's one of BSD's most complex characters, or at least he's set up to be, and I really hope Asagiri wouldn't throw him away this soon without doing anything more with him.

I never really thought that Nikolai would be the one to end Fyodor for good, way down the line (that can only ever be Dazai's job, to me, since he's his foil), but I always imagined he'd at least have some kind of role in attempting to kill him, since that's his ultimate wish. I imagined that it would be ugly, frenzied, unhinged, desperate, Nikolai finally being forced to acknowledge the horrible truth that's always been buried within his subconscious but he's never wanted to accept: that going against all human reason and killing someone he cares so deeply for will not, in fact, simply make those feelings go away, and will instead make them unable to ignore in his despair. The realization that he'll always be chained to human emotions, to love, no matter how much he thinks he can be free of them. And then, the ensuing breakdown from that. Yes, it's extremely fanficky lmao, but that kind of drama makes sense to me for him and them. It's interesting.

There was also the angst angle of Fyodor being immortal, and Nikolai's agenda perhaps stemming from wanting to save him from that, and being able to finally free him from it in the same way he himself wants to be freed. Killing being the ultimate expression of love, not too dissimilar to Mushitarou killing Yokomizo, both putting on an act of being hateful/vengeful/hostile towards the other in order to cope with the fact that deep down they can't bear the thought of them being gone.

But then we got Fyodor's "death" here, and Nikolai's reaction to it was so unbelievably underwhelming and calm that it made me question everything I thought I knew about Asagiri's writing skills him, and what the story is going for with him. And combined with this revelation now that Fyodor is (unsurprisingly!) immortal, but specifically in the way that he can be killed but supposedly resurrects endlessly (which I really like in of itself, don't get me wrong)... it makes me question what exactly Nikolai knows, or will know, and it somewhat destroys the potential angst we could get with them in the end, or at least drastically changes it.

If Nikolai already knows Fyodor can't be killed, that means we'll never get a moment where he tries to kill him and then has to face the fact that he did the deed and it didn't make him feel freed, and he instantly regrets it. It also means we'd never get a moment where he tries to kill him and then discovers he can't truly die, and the ensuing insanity that would occur from that. It also makes me even question the legitimacy of his reaction to Fyodor's "death" here... was it so damn apathetic and lukewarm because he already knows it wasn't permanent? I mean, I'd like an explanation for it feeling so ooc, it would make me feel better about that, but I can't deny that it would be disappointing to have yet another part of this arc that was just an act and not genuine feelings....

Now, that isn't to say that it's impossible to do anything interesting with Nikolai already knowing the truth. He could be wishing to try to attain free will through the illogical pursuit of an impossible task: in this case, killing Fyodor. There's a beautiful, tragic paradox in him wishing to attempt something to gain his freedom that he and we know is impossible, especially if subconsciously he takes solace in the fact that he'd be able to kill Fyodor without actually losing him for good. If Nikolai doesn't already know, assuming he's not dead he's likely going to find out the truth soon when he next sees Fyodor alive and kicking — I can't imagine a way he wouldn't find out. In that case, we wouldn't get the aforementioned scenario where he tries to kill him and discovers it's futile, which is the most juicy to me I won't lie, but I am still fascinated by the idea of how Nikolai will respond just seeing him suddenly alive again and having to process this after having just mourned him. It's interesting to imagine how he might respond to and treat Fyodor after at last knowing how it truly felt to lose him, and realizing how much he didn't want that, and then suddenly having him back. It might cause him to finally understand that his desire for freedom is unobtainable, and cause him to spiral, and fundamentally change their relationship going forward. An eventual tragic end for him such as Fyodor taking over his body would not feel out of place to me in that case, perhaps, but still not until we've had more time to see Nikolai reflect and see his possible change in perspectives.

I don't know, I'm just rambling at this point lmao. I know very well that so much of my expectations and desires for Nikolai and Fyolai are built up from fan content over the years just because there's been nothing else to work with, and that it's unfair to judge what Asagiri decides to do with him/them based on preconceived notions. Whatever he does could still be interesting in the end, even if it's not what I initially wanted or expected, and being open to being surprised is always a good thing. At the end of the day we still know barely anything about Nikolai, so it's not completely fair for me to judge something as ooc for a character we still know so little about.

But... it's because we know so little about him and have gotten so little of him, that at the very least, I'm gonna be really upset if he does die here from being possessed by Fyodor like people are worrying about. I really don't think he will, because I'm pretty confident the helicopter pilot is the one Fyodor swapped with/resurrected in the body of as per soup's theory, and again I'm not saying it wouldn't be fitting eventually... but I really don't want it to happen now. :/ I just think Nikolai still has so much potential as a character and so much more we need to see of him before his likely inevitable and tragic demise (however it happens), so whatever Asagiri decides to do with him I just really, really hope we don't lose him so prematurely; it would honestly be such a tremendous waste imo.

#bungou stray dogs #bsd 114 #is this meta? i don't know #more like just incoherent rambling lmao #i just don't want Nikolai to die man....... I really don't #i get that people are hyped up on the juicy tragedy of it all but plssssssss it's too soon for him to go #we need so much more of the enigmatic clown...... he's too interesting to lose just yet!!! #i'm sad at probably losing the outcomes i always hoped for him and fyolai but right now i just want More Of Him #he can't die so soon when he's barely even had pagetime #it COULD be fascinating to see Fyodor's reaction to taking over his body but....... i don't think he'd /have/ any right now #they need more time together before one of them dies #i always thought/hoped Fyodor would die first and Nikolai would be left alone to angst lmao but ugh........ #now it's really feeling like it'll be the opposite #which again doesn't HAVE to be a bad thing depending on how Asagiri executes it........ I just think this is way too soon for it to happen #i'm gonna be so mad if Nikolai just dies offscreen without us ever hearing from him again because Fyodor possessed his body #poetically cruel and tragic? yes. but also so anticlimactic at this moment in time #never getting to hear from him again......... #ugh i blame all the Fyolai fan creators; they've raised the bar too high 😭😭😭 #idk maybe i'm just talking out of my ass though. i probably am. i just feel conflicted about all this and need to see where it goes

[batfamfucker]

Appreciation post for 'girly girl' characters and/or shows that celebrate traditionally feminine things that girls and women are shamed for.

Characters on this list that love makeup, fashion, hair, etc. Characters that are still written as strong, intelligent, brave, etc. That told young girls that these interests are valid, they are not lesser interests. Being feminine and liking traditionally feminine things does not make them weak.

#I'm so glad I got to grow up with these girls #I was originally gonna make a post of Barbie Daphne and Stella and be like. They remind me so much of each other #And how much I love characters like them #Because I do #But then I was like fuck it let's just make a post for all the girly girls because they're so good #So here we are. In a world of misogyny. We still have them. And I am so greatful #I'm sad I missed out on celebrating my femininity and stuff like this in my teen years because of just. Stuff I was going through #But I'm glad I'm doing it now. I've been getting into makeup for the past year. Mostly eye it's so fun #The Barbie movie. Dressing up for it. Being proud makeup and skirts and dressing up like I did as a girl. God it was so wonderful #I've not felt this connected to this part of myself in years. It has helped to much #It reminded me of my love for Barbie. The movies. The fairies and mairmaids. The bright colours and fashions #And my love for all of these shows. The outfits and designs I fell in love with. The friendships and sisterhoods in all of them. #Yes it's just Rarity. I know some of the others girls also fit. But some don't as much so I didn't wanna just put a group one #And I know Kim and some others aren't as girly as others. But she's still a good example. #Her and Monique's shopping trip and other stuff is engraved into my mind. I actually think about them a lot I love them #Daphne was also a masisve awakening for me. I had such a crush on her. And the Hex Girls. #If you're wondering why other shows aren't on here. Like Trollz or Powerpuff Girls or something. It's msotly based on what I watched #And I didn't really watch them I'm sorry but feel free to add more. #We're ignoring how I mispelled mermaids. I'm not going back to change that tag. #Anyway I love women basically. We're awesome. #Barbie #Scooby Doo #Bratz #Monster High #Kim Possible #My Little Pony #Winx #Mew Mew Power

[hazmatazz]

realizing how much physical affection means to me literally. like i always get that as my #1 love language for every fun test i do but oh my god they're right. i don't get enough physical affection or i don't get people saying they're giving me physical affection when they can't and suddenly i'm staying up that everyone hates me

#logically i understand my best friend loves me but oh my god. we haven't hugged in a week. what if he never cares to see me again #or like . i understand my guy probably likes me but haven't been told i'm getting affection in a while . my affection has been rejected. . #so . ugh. just need a fucking hug dude #i wanna ask my friend for niceys rn but it's 3 am so she's probably asleep and also . :( what if he doesn't like me #(<- guy who's been friends with it for years) #like . i wish i could tell someone like “hey give them reassurance rn” without.... asking for that #like i'd post “need someone to be niceys to me rn” because that's usually the most i can do to communicate that but he rarely is on tumblr #and what? do i send this post to my friend? no wtf #this happens with like. everyone close to me btw. i just care a lot about my best friend #so just. ugh. gonna try and sleep now. i'm getting a hug from him tomorrow #i really hope he plans something with me...i think that's all i need reassurance wise #i don't plan shit with people because what if they don't wanna be around me? but when ppl plan shit with me? YEAH . <3 #godddddd #🤞 please invite me to something soon i miss you and i feel like you hate me for no reason but that i'm sad always

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#i was looking through old photos today. they where from wjen i was like 1 and it made me so sad #bc my mum would have been like only a year or 2 older then i am now and she looked so young #and now she has an abdomen full of tumors and blistered hands and feet. theyre prob gonna hsve to remove her bladder #but shes still very pragmatic abt it. but she grew up in a house where no one really cared about her feelings so she made them small #and now her mother calls and doesn't ask how her grandkids are doing and doesn't ask how her daughter is doing. im cursed with terrible #grandparents on both sides but i resent my mothers mother worse. though my dad said i probably wouldnt have survived his upbringing #and hes right. my nana has like zero empathy and cant cook for shit. idk how my parents r so normal but the fact i had a good upbringing is #probably the only reason im still here. and thats the other thing that made me sad abt the old pics. just looking at this little baby with a #fucked up head and thinking: in 25 years that kid is gonna b so broken down their not gonns kno what to do or how to fix it. idk whats wrong #with me. ive always been some stage of miserable but i used to b able to get things done. and now i cant seem to force functionality #and it sucks. bc im home now and i still feel like im cringing around this open wound in my chest. but whatever #as of today ive started taking ab1lify. hopefully it helps in the long term but in the short term it triggers my 0cd. which is not fun #its so frustrating. whatever. i also found out my eyes used to not work together. not enough to have a lazy eye but it was hard for me to #read and apparently my eyes were tracking at like double the speed of a normal person. wtf is wrong with my brain? also also my mum was like #yea i never would have guessed bip0lar but we thought it was something. autism i could see 100% but yea didnt see that coming. ao i guess #i brehave like a bit of an oddball. ans my nana would bother my dad to try to make me participate in church and my dad was like no. she #clearly don't wanna b here lol. ay. they did the best they could which i appreciate #unrelated

[mooodyblue]

venting abt unimportant things in da tags ignore me

#yall im gonna vent about a boy #and some other things under here #cause i just made myself sad #anyway yeah idk a couple months ago i matched w this dude who messaged me asking abt my love for e and i was like very open abt it #and he wasn't judgemental at all he was very nice and we just like . talked abt whatever #we were talking for like a month or two nonstop like we messaged every day right #and i even told him it's okay if he doesn't message me everyday i don't mind and he's like but i like talking to you i wanna message u!! #and there was like 3 days i couldn't message him and i came back to see he missed me and he was like soooo sweet #and then he took me to get dinner and we went to his place and we literally hit it off so well??? like the chemistry was THERE #like we kissed and he was sooo sweet to me and then the holidays hit and his messages slowed down #and since then it got slower and slower and now he's just completely ghosted me and it's been a few weeks now #and i should get over it i know like im back to swiping on these stupid apps again but it just makes me so sad #because i really did like him and i don't know what i did wrong or if i scared him away #after leaving me on opened 3 times i just gave up like i got the hint i assumed he doesn't like me like that anymore #i saw something that reminded me of him and i got really sad #so now here i am #anyway i went on for tooooo long let me stop there lol

[fourteenthz]

Every time I open my shakarian playlist I get more ill but also I need.... need more old sad songs... i need to collect them all.... where are they

#yeah my playlist is filled with Out of touch + Two of us + Mayonata no door + and stuff that sounds like that (night we met for exemp) #and i have to both have this feeling and make it made sense with shakarian which is hard bc they are not toxic just difficult. hard times. #which is kinda good bc old songs normally have that feel but like 90% of mitsik songs feel off for me in that sense #BUT I NEED THEM FOR THE VIBE... GOD.... can u tell I take playlists seriously? and they aren't even public??? #i saw that when I have like 3 mitski songs there but I try. also I REALLY don't line Lana but man if summertime sadness isn't about them. #“i think ill love you forever” part is GENUINELY SO THEM and no one else. i swear. #like 10% of the songs on that playlist are from artists i like and usually listen to but that mostly bc im not a moody sad old songs kinda #of girl and i just caN NOT choose anything else for shakarian. like i swear I can picture shepard showing that kind of songs for garrus #and garrus listening to most of these on thr 2 years gap even before they get together..... bc he heard her listening once #in the normandy and it stuck with him bc... u know... reminds him of her... im gonna throw up #“smoking gun's hot to thr touch” from out of touch reminds him of their meeting like the night we met entire song #but it doesnt gets him more than “none of you” from the chorus. and by the time me3 comes they are sooo Local Natives coded #When am I gonna loose you + I saw you close your eyes ESPECIALLY #its also insane how I can go into akiangel playlists and get songs from there tbh... i never watches csm and NEVER WILL bc really not my #thing. but man akiangel stans know how to do playlist and they are the exactly same feeling i get with shakarian #sorry for the akiangel playlist makers who I have liked the playlist and listened to it on repeat. i was thinking abt shakarian while doing #sorry for the SUDDEN txt post about my spotify playlist.... i spent the morning doing university work and I accidentally #changed from my xiv playlist to the shakarian one and it went downhill from there........ anyway miss my babies..... enough rambling now #ALSO theres this thing were skip The night we met bc its my go to ardbert song LOL but THAT'S LIKE... ANOTHER SUBJECT ANYWAY #kelly says #dl #i forgot to mention For the first time by mac de marco which i like... ultimate shakrian song with Out of touch..... ANYWAY ANYWYAYA

[no-one-hears-me]

people overestimate their value in my life

#need to go to bed but I've been pondering today #i am ending a friendship #we've known each other for several years and became good friends last year #but he's suddenly started treating me badly and idk why. there's no cause #we were buddies and now he's acting up #and I've had some issues with him for awhile and have considered ending our friendship before #but ik I'll miss him and all the good memories we have together #but I'm also not gonna beg him to be nicer to me when he never had any reason not to be #and he thinks that he can do whatever he wants and I'll always be there for him. but that's not true anymore #i don't need him. I've only ever valued our nice conversations but I'm not getting that anymore #i mean more to him than he means to me. I've been a better friend to him #so realistically. this will hurt him more #but he chose to do certain things and that's not my problem #I'm not gonna allow anyone to treat me like that #i have in the past out of desperation to hold on to a friendship. but i don't need friendships #I'm a busy person. i don't have time for a lot of friends so I'm gonna save that time for good ones only #and he's gonna be sooooo sad and depressed bc yk who he always comes to when something bad happens? #or when he's feeling bad? or when he needs comfort? anything like that? ME :D #soooooo now his dear old friend is done with him forever do he's gonna be so sad. who's he gonna go to for support??? #idk. not my problem 🤷‍♀️ #this is his fault bc of his own actions and choices. I've tolerated a lot from him but idc anymore #goodbye #Sera

[scaredofmyocs]

Man who put these thoughts in here I thought I threw these in the garbage

#About my insane thoughts that are incredibly frustrated with myself not communicating with people I both want and need to talk to #Like girl you need to talk to people or your gonna get sad #FOR THE LOCE OF GOD PLEAE #And also my counselor I need to explain things and I need to try and explain that I have a hard time explaining because I can't explain #I hate words so much can I not just start barking and biting my arm like a wild animal to get my point across #Maybe flip some tables #Allow myself to shake and explode violently #Like I am going crazy I need to run but I will trip and fall and explode #Every explosion in this post is the deltarune explosion btw #I need to be given the ability to explain my thoughts in a professional sounding manner so that way people don't treat me like an idiot ist #The other thoughts are like “man you are useless” like didn't we just finish that plot line. Get back in there (sparkle on raven hell) #Ok well I need to go watch that now erm runs away from this post leaving a cloud of smoke #I love this blog I want to live here #Talk post

[yououghtaknow]

hard thing about Being Me is i will write things that are So Good but i cannot show them to people because it will mentally destroy them

#i have enough songs about the redacted situation to make a BANGING ep #but tonight i'm going to stop writing songs about other people and write about me #ALSO i have my keyboard now!!!!!!! so i'm gonna play some piano #which i'll feel more comfortable doing at night because it's a daw and i can use my headphones on it :) #[guy who experienced One moment of being known and loved that no one else knows about] omg the world is a beautiful place??? #just. being appreciated despite all of my intense mental shit really Gets me. #is it a bit messed up that i only feel validated when people relate me to media??? maybe. but we COPE. #ANYWAYS are most of my friends going to be on the other side of the country for the next few days?? yes. #but i am going to do things without them. i'm going to live. sick of wallowing sick of rotting sick of sadness. #I'M GOING TO COMPILE THE [REDACTED] SONGS INTO AN EP TRACKLIST BECAUSE IT WILL MAKE ME HAPPY #and i will work on editing wrex and holland and drafting my emails to theatre people i want to talk to #i am a PERSON who can DO THINGS. i am NOT my trauma or my mental illnesses. #kind of realised that being around people but specifically my close friends/family makes my mental illnesses a lot worse #which i don't know how to Deconstruct yet but i will talk to my therapist #but i'm trying to be better. i Want to be better.

[harrylights]

gonna get sappy here for a hot sec (quelle surprise)

#i just had therapy #well #like an hour ago now #and it started off rocky but we made a list of all the changes/improvements i've made since around this time last year and holy fuck #it's so weird that it rarely feels like i'm making progress bc things can still be really hard sometimes #but at the end i was crying bc i was like damn?? i'm actually Doing It??? #things may not be perfect but i am healing!!!! mostly on my own!!!!!!!!!!! #the list got way longer than i expected it to be #and i'm gonna make a nicer looking one and put it up on my wall so i like #remember #bc so often i dismiss changes ik i've made that i don't give enough credit to and get sad that i'm not doing better than i am #but bitch!!!!! i've come so far #and as much as a lot of this healing needs to be attributed to me bc i've been the one holding my own hand through all of this #i CANNOT emphasize enough how much having this sweet lil community has meant to me #especially in the last month or so #time takes time to heal it you can't do it by yourself is REAL #as much as i try not to rely on anyone else for my own recovery etc etc #yall brighten my day sm #just by being u #so thank u #idk if anyone is gonna read this but idc #tysm <3 #ily

[baekdaedream]

Url mixtape game

Tagged by @kafkascupcake, thanks Feli!

Rules: pick a song for each letter of your URL then tag the same number of blogs

Baby Don’t Cry by EXO

ANL by NCT Dream

El Dorado by EXO

King and Queen by EXO-CBX

Day After Day by EXO

After Midnight by WayV

End to Start by NCT 127

Dreaming by NCT Dream

Rose by D.O.

Exclusive by Taemin

Ascetic Monk by Lay

Moonwalk by WayV

tagging.. wow hardly any of my mutuals (or blogs in general..) I follow are very active anymore (some have been gone for years hope they’re doing well) so I’ll just tag a few we can ignore the game rules. Tagging! @dayafterdae, @hooned, @aerisosweet, @soft-daes, @ohsenhun, @elyxion, @abunnycotton, and @your-sophie18 😊

#personal #tag games #the way I blanked on songs that started with a k and almost went with 2 kids by taemin #I am so sorry king and queen you remain one of my favourite cbx songs :( #I tried to have some variance so it wasn't just. exo. so we have six non-exo! #I do have both acts of taemin's never gonna dance again album it's very lovely #but didn't get further than that #also I miss exo cbx :( #and wayv comeback is soon! finally! I'm kinda impatient like come on drop the date already please #was kind of sad to find out it's a mini album and not a full length but ! at least it is something! #also 127 come to vancouver will you.. :( #dream too even though I'm planning on encore.. #my hope is exo concert and dream encore within a week of each other but #not sure how possible that is.. but it's okay #also rose was specifically chosen because I named my kitten after the song now where is he.. he is adorable thank you kyungsoo #also don't feel obligated to do it if you don't want to!

[nutelloona]

she got me so fucked up I'm here psychologically preparing for an event that's a month away bc of the high possibility of we bumping into each other, oh boy

#a wedding always brings people together am I right *sweating* #It's been almost an year since I saw her face to face #and I didn't even know back then that it would be the last time #so yeah I might not be prepared #not now and definitely not in a month #she moved on pretty fast bc she still gets to hang out with all of my friends and some others from the guy she used to replace me #at this point he's definitely not a replacement anymore and I'm clearly and completely out of the picture #AND WE DIDN'T EVEN DATE WE WERE FRIENDS #that's what still keeps me awake some nights even after all this time #there was no need to get to the point it got between us #I'm still so lost in all of this #personal #rambling #fuck I'm literally nauseous just from the thought of seeing her again but I don't wanna miss this huge event of my friend just bc of her #I can't miss all the joy of a queer wedding bc of my queer sadness lol #I'm gonna need so many mimosas.........

[transxfiles]

lost phineas and ferb episode where perry is called to investigate what dr doofenshmirtz is up to because carl the intern got ahold of some intel that doof has been seen speaking to lawyers and looking up the endangered species act at internet cafes and as major monogram says, "something fishy is going on"

meanwhile phineas and ferb's subplot of "i know what we're gonna do today!" is that isabella needs her environmentalist fireside girls badge so they start researching which species are in urgent need of help in the tri-state area so that they can use new cloning and gene therapy technologies to bring at-risk animals back from extinction

(yes there is a c-plot where buford and baljeet argue the ethics of this idea, i don't have time to explain it all for you rn)

we cut back to🎵doofenshmirtz evil incorporated🎵where we see perry carefully maneuvering around doofenshmirtz's lab scared he might fall into a trap but he hasn't set off a single booby trap and it's clear something is off

he runs into doofenshmirtz and goes to kick him in the gut action movie style but doof steps back one overly confident and says, "nuh uh uh, you see perry the platypus, you are TRAPPED! by the danville section of the endangered species act of 1973!"

doof goes on to explain his tragic backstory: "you see, perry the platypus, when i was a child my parents did not show up for my own birth! but you know that already, yadda yadda yadda they did not love me and then they loved roger more, ANYways i was raised by ocelots! i had a lovely foster mother who took me in and made me one of the pride, and so you see, perry the platypus, i am still legally considered an ocelot. did you know that there are only 50 recorded ocelots still alive in the continental united states? very sad for me as a member of a near-extinct species. it would be immoral for you to hurt someone critically endangered... in fact, you have made many attempts on my life this summer"

[montage of doof's security camera footage of their battles]

"which is why i have decided to bring you... TO COURT!" we cut back to phineas and ferb's back yard where they've decided to start cloning ocelots in their kiddie pool

candace storms outside enraged and says, "phineas and ferb are you cloning ocelots in my duckie momo kiddie pool!?"

ferb's one line of the episode is "well, i guess it's more of a kitty pool, now"

candace storms away saying, "i'm going to tell mom!" and isabella turns to phineas and says, "oh, does your mom have experience in wildlife conservation?"

we cut back to the doof and perry plotline where the two are now in the danville hall of justice and we learn that doof has spent his monthly alimony check on a defense lawyer and perry turns and sees the lawyer and then vanessa helping her organize her briefcase and perry chitters at her and vanessa shrugs and says, "i'm thinking about going into legal defense. sorry perry."

the rest of the doof and perry b-plot is spent in court and perry is about to ask for a public defense lawyer when carl runs into the room and explains that he's owca's official legal defense and perry looks at him like, "uhhh is that even allowed?"

it doesn't matter because apparently the judge is out sick today but because it's danville roger's the judge now because he's the mayor and everyone loves him.

the court case continues.

meanwhile phineas and ferb have successfully cloned multiple ocelots from the original ocelot dna they had on hand and isabella asks phineas if these clones will experience health problems like premature aging, phineas casually explains that ferb figured out the problem while they were experimenting with stem cell harvesting.

back in the courtroom, doof's ocelot foster mother has been brought to the stand along with an ocelot to english translator. doof gets emotional seeing her after so long. she says that he was one of her favorite child and he was as strong a hunter as anyone else in the family. it's incredibly sweet. the jury's in tears.

meanwhile, isabella has established connections with a group in texas who are going to release the ocelots back into their natural habitat and, using the cloned ocelots to prevent inbreeding, help establish an ocelot breeding program. the group explains that they are going to send a helicopter to retrieve the cloned ocelots from danville and bring them to texas soon.

isabella gets her fireside girls badge.

candace manages to get mom to see the backyard only after the ocelots have been helicoptered off to coastal texas, their primary habitat.

mom makes it into the backyard as phineas stares wistfully over the fence and says, "if you love something, you have to let it go." candace goes, "look mom look look look!" and points at the ducky momo kiddie pool, devoid of cloned ocelots, where baljeet and buford are now chilling out, having settled their philosophical debate about the ethics of animal cloning.

back in the courtroom drama, doof looks like he's about to win when an attendant walks into the courtroom and whispers something in roger's ear.

roger looks up, grinning, and says, "good news, everyone! my attendant here has just enlightened me that ocelots are no longer considered critically endangered!"

this settles the case, with perry being decreed not guilty and the entire affair being called off. the courtroom cheers, roger walks over to doof and personally congratulates him on his species' return from the brink of extinction.

doof shouts, "curse you endangered species classification system!" at the ceiling of the danville hall of justice.

perry arrives back home just in time for mom to say, "who wants pie?"

the end.

#cricket.chatterbox #phineas and ferb #pnf #dr doofenshmirtz #perry the platypus #phineas flynn #ferb fletcher #greatest hits