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hella1975 · 1 year

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HELAL

I have a lot of stuff running through my mind rn and im in a hurry and idk if its going to make sense but oh well.

(its list anon and I have another thing to add to my 'favorite things about finding myself in Hellas circle of existence list thing)

The thing is how much your personality sinks through into your writing and blog thing.

Let me explain,

I lost internet for a few days and I just got it back and was scrolling through tumblr and noticed one of my mutuals reblog something of yours and I was like 'I havent been on the internet for like four days, I wonder what Hella has been up to.' and so I started stalking you (as one does) and like scrolling through your blog and everything and I came across the post you thinged about your hometown and about how shameful you are about your writing and that sent me into a spiral because I know the feeling and couldnt put it into words and I felt so called out.

Thats besides the point.

I had this thing to add to the list for a while and couldn't figure out how to explain it without seeming weird so Im just doing my best here.

It's like when you post things about the things that go on in your mind. I touched on this in my first list thingy with the whole 'when you post little snippets of whats going on in your mind and turn it into what I can only describe as poetyry' part. It's simular but it's not the same.

It's really easy to see someone and follow someone who is so eloquent and brilliant and hold them close to divinity and think about how untouchable they are, which seems weird because I'm on Tumblr of all places. But like when you follow your favorite authors on twitter or instagram and they seem almost inhuman. And sometimes it feels like being that talented is so unattainable because you're not them, you can't spew out flawless lines of words seemingly effortlessly and you cant come up with a plot that clever and even if you can't you can't give the story justice because you're not that good of a writer.

Even other writers on this site are like this and so...ethereal almost. I've mentioned before how a lot of other writer almost run their blog like a business and everything and you scroll through them and see people constantly sending them asks about their works and sending them fanart and people obsessing over their art and like I said it seems unattainable for your average person. Like I dont get that so maybe I'm not that good.

Then I come to your blog and you talk about situations I relate to and you don't hide your humanity and you talk about your classes in economics of all things and your home town and all your problems (while valid) are normal. You're more relatable than the other writers I follow at least.

I've mentioned in other asks ( I dont think they were list ones but they might have been idk ) that you inspire me a lot. This is why. Also the fact that you're my age (I'm 18) and your not in your 20s and you havent taken a decades worth of writing classes and you dont have a degree in literature. You're literally just person living a normal life. That's not to say other authors and writers arent just normal people but you just show it a lot more, idk.

Like reading things like taob and tbos and then going to your main blog and seeing the way you write your stuff in your mind and then going two posts down and your talking about normal things makes me think that maybe I can write something incredible too one day.

And the reason I have the ability to feel that way in relation to you and your stupid blog (affectionate) is because you let your normal personality show, not some robotic businessy- type personality.

That's not to say that I don't think your just an average person, average people can't describe things so rawly. But, like I said, you're not untouchable.

Based on what I see from you and what you show online, I really think that you have the potential to be great one day. Not that you should hold yourself and force yourself into a life you don't want, like if you don't want to be a famous writer, don't be. But I genuinely just hope that you grow up and find a career you're happy in.

More than anyone I see on the internet, you deserve to live a life that you absolutely love, no matter what that might be.

I said it before that I always feel really obsessive when I send asks like this, and I feel creepy, so if I come off that way I'm sorry. I just try to make it a point to tell people when I enjoy them as a person.

Also I have some songs that kind of remind me of you.

The first one if Vienna by Billy Joel. I think the chances of you not knowing this one is very slim because it's such as popular song right now. But it's my favorite song and it reminds me of you.

The other one is read all about it by Emili Sande (pt 3 is the best) I think this song is also pretty popular, it also might not be, idk. But it's one of those songs that not a lot of people that I show it to like. Idk why. The vocals are weird (in my opinion) but I love the lyrics.

If you already know these songs just ignore this part :)

ME WHEN LIST ANON:

#bestie beloved my best friend my rotten soldier listen let me tell you something listen listen #every time you send an ask like this i read it and then REFUSE to answer it for a while #(sorry about that)#and i just hold onto it sometimes for weeks sometimes for MONTHS #and it sort of feels like it's just you and me and it feels so special and i come back and reread it #because you make me fall a little in love with myself? not in a narcissistic way #but just in such a tender soft 'maybe things are going to be okay' way #because for how dark and messy it feels to BE me i forget that no one else sees that #and the person i fought so hard to be is someone people... like??? and admire??? to THIS extent #even if it's just one person it's such a euphoric feeling i cant explain it #please never stop sending these i mean yes you can i doubt youve got much to say anymore bc bestie youve sent an ESSAY at this point #(<- that feels like it comes across judgey but i am trying v hard to convey the adoration i have for these asks so i promise it's not LMAO)#god i just. yeah. thank you. genuinely from the bottom of my heart thank you #okay tears wiped away hair fixed eyeliner partially smudged SONG RECS #WHO THE FUCK DID YOU REC READ ALL ABOUT IT TO AND THEY DIDNT LIKE IT???? i'll hunt them for sport fr #i was OBSESSED with that song when it came out like even as a kid ive had this audio thing #where i completely hyperfixate on audios and that often includes songs (why did i never clock i had adhd)#like i remember being like 8 years old and putting 'in the ghetto' by elvis presley on loop on my barbie stereo #and my dad was like why the fuck is she listening to THAT of all things on loop SKDJHJSH #but ANYWAY THIS SONG WAS ONE OF THOSE SONGS I TOTALLY LATCHED ONTO #I PLAYED IT HUNDREDS OF TIMES GENUINELY #and omg vienna. beloved beautiful song and you saying it reminded you of me actually made me realise how ur asks make me feel #ur asks make me feel like im a girl in a song and it's just such a <33333 mf u give me butterflies #kisses u kisses u kisses u #ask

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fantabulisticity · 1 year

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Just screamed so loud in my car that both my ears rang and a spider fell from the ceiling. My throat hurts.

#my pharmacy won't fill my meds AGAIN because some motherfucker decided to make a new policy that requires more instructions or something #i keep not getting my meds when I need them because every time i get a new script sent out (like one I haven't been on before) i hear...#...nothing back from the pharmacy; generally for days; and then when i call them (every 10 or 15 or 30 minutes for several hours) no...#...one picks up the goddamn phone and i have to make time to go in in person and ask the pharmacist when my meds will be ready.#and then they tell me 'oh yeah we HAVE the script from your doctor. we just need MORE INFORMATION and sent them an ELECTRONIC NOTE...#...(reminder that i live in fucking rural idaho so most people use a fucking phone and not 'an electronic note') and haven't heard back...#...from them yet so we're just waiting on that :)' and then i have to smile and thank them bc it isn't their fucking fault the policy is...#...some fucking bullshit and then i have to call my doctor on the phone (and can never reach them directly so i have to get a...#...receptionist to leave them a note that i HOPE they'll see in the next couple of days but sometimes they don't) and since i never have...#...an emergency it's often 2 or more weeks before anyone gets back to me. i usually have to call the pharmacy again. and then they don't...#...always answer and i usually have to go in and ask AGAIN why my meds aren't ready and they go 'oh we're still waiting on your doctor'...#...:) or 'they sent us a message back but it wasn't ENOUGH information and we sent them another ELECTRONIC NOTE that they won't see for...#...days or weeks so we recommend YOU call your doctor even though we're the ones flinging you around like a rag doll and you have 0...#...control over it. and by the way we're going to continue doing this for like a fucking year every time you get a new script. and when...#...your doctor asks you if the new meds are working you're going to have to say 'i have no fucking clue because it took 6 weeks to get...#...my goddamn prescription filled and it takes 3 months for the medication to show signs of working so my pharmacy wasted HALF of that...#...time sending electronic notes instead of filling my motherfucking prescription and i was supposed to be off these meds by summer...#...since they cause intense sunburn and shit and i have an OUTDOOR JOB NOW but my acne is still bad and hasn't gone away enough to stop...#...using the super intense stuff and my face hurts and swells and oozes and i have to wear a wide-brimmed hat and sunscreen EVERY time...#...i go outside because i can get a sunburn in 20 minutes now and i've been having heat rashes from the sun for the first time in my...#...LIFE and i have to fucking monitor myself every time i go outside and it's the warm season and i need a new pair of lighter work...#...pants but they don't sell above a size 18 for women even though men go up to like a size 45 which is like a size 24 or 26 in women's...#...and men's pants don't fit me bc i was blessed with the largest ass in the history of mankind' and i am so. fucking. tired.#of all the bullshit.#i feel miserable. my mom is buying me otc imodium bc i have NO IDEA when my prescription will come available. i just want the cramping...#...to stop. i've been having diarrhea all day every day since sunday. the cramps HURT and they keep me up at night. i haven't been...#...eating much bc there's so much shit moving around and hurting in my gut that i can't feel when i'm hungry and food doesn't soumd great.#so i'm weak and slow and tired and can't go to work and i'm using up all the sick days i was hoping to save up to visit my friend in...#...cyprus this winter. so that probably can't happen. but anyways. my mom came by while i was typing this out and i feel betterish.#personal

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albatris · 2 years

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wait wait wait Time Out what do you MEAN Alex is usually an honorary human. Is he just so zen that the garble doesn't usually activate anything for him? Or does the plot just not call for him to go monstery

ooh, thank you for the question!

ya, Alex is affectionately referred to as an honourary human hahaha! to most not-actively-malevolent human main characters, Nat is considered Friendly and Vampire, so while he's definitely chill to be around he's absolutely not human-like and is obviously Something Else. on the other hand, Alex is considered Friendly and.......... then people get a little confused and tripped-up and just kind of go "I mean, he's not TECHNICALLY human but, like, close enough, right? this is basically a human person. calling this guy a vampire is just semantics at this point" much to Alex's self-loathing dismay

like, oh, Alex would love to be human! Alex would like nothing more! but Alex has spent most of its time as a vampire in varying states of misery and mental torment lamenting how that's impossible

forcibly assigned human by friends

but yes, while Nat has no qualms with setting himself apart from his human friends in this way and being A Vampire, Alex has a very different relationship to its own sense of humanity it's a huuuuge relief for Alex to be even playfully recognised by its human friends as Honourary Fellow Human ;-;

as for your theories, it's a little bit of both!

first off, yes, Alex simply Is That Zen :3

well, "zen" as well as "stubborn as all hell, ridiculously strong-willed, full of spite, and 100% willing and able to tell the Garble to shove it"

Alex is by far the most ""human"" of the main vamps, and easily the safest to be around! it is a kind-hearted but insanely stubborn motherfucker. Alex has mastered the art of giving the Garble juuuuust enough of what it wants so that Alex can stay safe and be safe to be around, while also routinely telling the Garble to go fuck itself. Alex is well-practiced at resisting the Garble's influence and absolutely WILL not be bullied into doing anything it doesn't want to do

while it's a proven fact that vampires tend not to die of starvation often because it eventually gets to a point where they Physically Can't Resist doing murders, Alex could absolutely manage it. and has attempted to! and only didn't because of Quinn

but yes, Alex has worked very hard to be as in-control as it is :3 Alex can easily (dicey choice of words.... it's easy but getting to the point where it's easy was not easy) appear human in basically all circumstances except for staggeringly extreme levels of stress or starvation, and even in those circumstances - Alex will experience involuntary physical changes it can't hide such as fangs and claws, but is still highly resistant to the Garble's mind-manipulatey hypnotising properties

(so, an Alex in EXTREME peril might look a bit more vampiric and scary, but maintains a frankly absurd level of self-control, so. still not a lot to worry about tbh)

for reference, the length of time vampires can go in between proper feedings varies from vamp to vamp, but three weeks is considered reaaaaally fuckin uncomfortable and risky in terms of losing control. Alex routinely goes around five weeks without breaking a sweat

like. as a result, the Garble is not particularly fond of Alex, but Alex very purposefully stays juuuuust inside the boundary of what the Garble considers "still worth keeping alive"

so uhhhhhhh. hm. what was I saying. ah. the Garble activates for Alex under the same circumstances it will activate for any vampire, but Alex is much better at both controlling its own emotions and keeping stress levels manageable so as not to trigger the Garble to a degree it can't handle, as well as better at directing what the Garble energy will do to its body

so, while for most vampires, the physical effects of the Garble are largely involuntary, Alex is excellent at directing Garble energy to present itself in much more subtle and easy-to-hide ways such as sharpened molars rather than canines, etc.

even Zeke, who is kind of famous for her uncanny ability to spot even vampires who are extremely skilled at hiding their vampirism, doesn't twig that Alex is a vampire until it flat-out tells her, and even then it takes her a while to actually believe it lmao

when Alex does need to bust out fangs and claws or other vampiric traits, this is a conscious decision rather than a Reflex like it is for other vamps

we only get to see any involuntary vampire Alex three times over the trilogy! once in a flashback during a period of extreme starvation, once when protecting Quinn from Monster Mode Nat (Quinn was not in danger, Alex had just not seen Monster Mode Nat before and FLIPPED out), and once during the final confrontation against the Garble :3 Alex is very impressive!!!

and........... well, the plot probably DOES call for Alex to go monstery, but Alex really really really reaaaally doesn't want to do that and going monstery causes it a lot of distress. so its friends are always willing to do their best to find other ways around things if Alex is uncomfortable

if a situation comes up where a monstery Alex might be helpful, they will wait until Alex offers or suggests this itself. occasionally shenanigans call for humans and vamps to both to be doing different things as part of a plan, so occasionally Alex accompanies Nat, but also isn't questioned at all if it decides to stick with the humans

everyone is very willing to accommodate! friends don't let friends put their mental health and emotional wellbeing in unnecessary peril <3

it's nice for Alex's mental health that its human friends are just sort of like "yeah you're a vampire but like. lmao. it doesn't count", and that they feel safe enough around it to relax and treat it as they would a fellow human. a complicated fellow human who occasionally viciously murders cruel violent irredeemable human predators, but also…… a fellow human nonetheless :)

thank you for coming to my ted talk :D

#also feel free to use either he/him or it/its for alex :3 both are ok!#but yeah. alex <3 #n there's also the fact of course that quinn is always watching out for alex :3 #which helps a little bit!#quinn wants alex to have as stress-free an existence as possible n its no skin off their back to offer #whatever resources alex needs or to put aside extra of the extra-fresh donated blood so alex doesn't need #to hunt so often #alex doesn't make them do that ofc. like. alex would still only hunt every month or so. quinn is just like #''pls alex this is so stressful I'm worried about your health :((( you have to look after yourself :(((''#quinn loves alex to bits #though tbf being friends with quinn is such an inherently fucking stressful experience sometimes so maybe it all just cancels out xD #like tbf. the Garble is equally as petty to Alex as alex is to the garble #alex doesn't heal as rapidly or as well as other vamps #plus due to the fact that alex feeds so infrequently it's sort of just. perpetually in a state of #mildly to severely painful hunger #so alex is not having fun with that of course but is still REALLY well-practiced at managing it #like i cannot stress enough that alex's threat level towards humans is basically 0% at all times #unless the human in question happens to be some absolute scum of the earth piece of irredeemable garbage that has escaped #all repercussions and consequences and accountability for their actions #and even then that's a process that takes weeks and weeks of careful planning and research #anyway. no more tag ramble. i'm going to sleeb #a rental car takes a left down rake street and disappears

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donttouchtheneednoggle · 2 years

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head hurty

#not any more like that but last night #love having a pain condition triggered partly by anxiety but also it caused the anxiety to be constant in the first place #i dont get chronic migraines bc i dont get them often enough its usually like 1 every 2 months nowadays but sometimes it can be 4 in a week #bc having one makes it more likely i have a another soon after #but i sure as fuck have acute migraines #i remember being in school and classmates being like oh i have a migraine going off to take their meds and then coming back to class?!#whereas as soon as i had an aura id go to the office and be like can you call my mum she needs to take me home #and i thought i was just being weak and i should just push through it #but you can't push through acute pain nausea vomiting and disorientation #there are literally parts of my brain or thoughts i can't access during one ill be trying to think of a word and i can't find it #they usually only last like 2-3 hours but it feels like a lot longer when you're sitting in the dark can't even lie down feeling like hell #and ik some peoples go on for days some people have them more days than they dont ik im lucky to have such short and fairly infrequent ones #but its still beyond horrible and feeling like a ticking time bomb constantly watching out for an aura #and worrying about going somewhere you can't easily get home from #and I've only just started to be able to talk about it i could never understand how other people could talk about theirs flippantly #when mine terrified me more than anything the amount of bad feelings #but she's working on it having realised after 8 years that it doesn't have to be like that 🤣#mine #n e way sorry for the rsnt all good now chillin in bed ✌🤣

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astrxealis · 1 year

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mobile tumblr's new format what the fuck!

#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#as said by lune now: 'tumblr think it's funny' LMFAO <//3 #yk i finally resubbed in ffxiv hehe ^___^ i say finally but i just haven't subbed for like... a week...#and the last time i played was just like 20 days ago..... not even a month..........#uhmmm. focusing on homework yes <3 stressed for tuesday but i'll do my best :((#and uhmmm. i did a few lil exercises/stretches in the morning bcs i shld really do that more often ^___^#and i'll dedicate enough time to gaming/music today! and leave some leeway bcs no doubt i'll get distracted sometime today #and hopefully as i improve my schedule more i can also put in time for reading hehe ^^ and just. dedicating my energy & time well <3 #+ i can still do with more studying >___< but also social life shall not be neglected!#anyways sorry if you don't see me often on social media lol i am trying to get myself more together and i am getting there i think hehe #sooo. i'll play xiv for a bit and then do my homework! i suck w just giving myself time limits so i'll make an alarm #i suck w following alarms unless it's required tho. i'll get up immediately for class but if it's just from normal sleep for a normal day #i will extend it until i feel restless and want to get up and actually do shit LMFAO <3 #okay anyways have a good day everyone !! please don't forget to take care of yourself alright?#btw the format isn't really that bad but i'll need to get used to it and it's a lil weird to me

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nobutseriouslywhat · 2 years

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#i love my irls but sometimes i wish they remembered i exist without me having to remind them #like six months ago i showed a movie to a friend and he loved it and said in october we should rewatch it with a group #so i messaged him today and asked ''hey when do you want to get the guys together for that movie''#and he was like ''oh yeah i already showed the guys a couple weeks ago''#i know it's not malicious. it's not even conscious. i just hate being on the valence yk?#we hang out and every time he says we should do this more often. and then that doesn't happen #i feel like that one monster on doctor who that you forget about as soon as you're not looking at it. the silence? i think they're called?#that's why i don't stop talking sometimes. if i did who would remember how my voice sounds?

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foone · 1 year

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I see a lot of people joking about the adhd thing of "I have a appointment/phone call at 3pm, guess I won't do anything all day!"

But no one seems to make the connection that it's a time blindness thing. One of the symptoms of ADHD is not having a good and accurate sense of time. And not doing stuff prior to an event with a hard deadline is an obvious coping mechanism for that.

Can I go to the store? It's 10am and the appointment is at 3pm. How long does going to the store take? An hour? Three hours? Five hours? I DON'T KNOW!

I get anxious trying to do things before appointments because I'm aware that I don't know how long those things take, and that if I think I do, I may be very wrong. Too often I've been like "hey I can walk to the corner store and grab a drink, that'll take like 15 minutes!" and then an hour later I get back and whoops my rice has burnt.

Plus there's also the fact that ADHD people know that motivation and focus is a two-edged sword.

Like, let's say you decide to play a video game. You've got time, you can pause/save whenever, so this should be a perfect fit to make good use of your waiting-time. So you start playing and WHOOPS you get really focused for some reason today (because people with ADHD do not get to pick when their brain decides to focus) and the next time you look at the clock it's 2:49 and you haven't showered or dressed and the appointment is 30 minutes away. Fuck. (you could have set an alarm, but now you're asking people with the forgetting-things-and-time-ignoring condition to remember it set alarms)

And with motivation, it can be almost worse. Instead of playing a game, you so something useful or creative. You clean your room or fix your plumbing or write a story or draw a picture. And suddenly it's great. Your brain is firing on all cylinders. You've got all the motivation you can ask for, and you are FLYING. the ideas are brilliant, your hands are nimble, you're getting stuff done you've been putting off for weeks or months. And then the alarm goes off. Time to go to your appointment. Fuck.

You drive there, your brain still full of ideas and plans. But by the time you get back, the motivation is gone. You may still have the ideas but you don't have the drive to write them down. You can't force yourself to do it. Your sink is still in pieces. Your room is half-cleaned, and you have to shove all the sorted clothes into one big bin just so you have somewhere to sleep. You've left things half finished again, in a cycle that has been repeating your whole fucking life. It seems sometimes that nothing ever gets finished.

So next time you don't even start. There's not time. You've been burnt too many times. Why add another half-completed project to your pile of shame?

My point is that people seem to be going "lol I can't do anything all day if I have an appointment at 3pm" like this is a quirky "oh I'm so scatterbrained!" weirdness they alone have, and not a major complication of a disabling mental illness.

(and that's not even getting into the secondary effects. If you know that having an appointment ruins your whole damn day, you're going to avoid them. Even when it's things like "going to that party" or "meeting your friends for a drink/game" or "going to a movie with that cute girl from your math class". Things you should enjoy. Things that'd help you be social. Things that make you feel human.)

#ADHD

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toastsnaffler · 4 months

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I have to be up for work in 3 hours and I'm gonna be real I think ive hit the point where I might not be getting any sleep at all. for fucks sake.

#ive survived all nighters before ill scrape through the day itll just be Rough. at least i dont have much in my schedule #im not gonna take the dose this morning bc i think thats a really bad idea to do on zero hours sleep #and i can't risk two consecutive all nighters. like I have done that before but not while working full time 💀 its not worth it #drafting an email to my doctor to let her know im skipping day 2 + ask advice re. whether its worth resuming again on day 3 #bc she did list 'trouble sleeping' as a common symptom that often passes but i need to know a) how long it usually takes to pass and-#b) if this is unusually bad + would she rec supplementing with a sleep aid or just switching tack entirely and trialling a non stimulant #by this stage of the night i dont think its actually acting anymore bc i took it at 7am and its now 3am. it shouldnt last that long #i think its more just triggered my preexisting insomnia. my ability to sleep is very very sensitive sometimes + hates routine changes #just so fucking frustrating bc ive spent the past 2 months nailing my sleep routine + ive had a couple weeks of being able to-#go to bed like 9:30-10 and it only takes an hour to get to sleep and i get usually a good 7 hours sometimes 8 only waking once halfway #and i dont feel like utter shit like yeah im tired but from work not so much lack of sleep.... and now thats all fucked lmao #whatever. maybe i should just take the next dose anyway #ill see. gonna try to sleep for another 2 hours but once it hits 5 im not doing this anymore ive been trying for six hours already man #i cant even remember when i last pulled a full all nighter. it might be longer than 6 months ago... i was doing so well :-(#im so mad i was so hopeful it would have SOME good effect like ik its not a miracle worker + these things take time but so many people-#seem to have an immediate positive response even if its probably a placebo. and i got fuck all except This.#i was searching on the reddit for sleep issues and other ppl only seem to report bad ones on higher doses or years in..#like damn. do i even have adhd then. ik thats a stupid thing to think bc obvs everyones body metabolises meds differently etc but still #it is ALMOST HALF 3 and i am FUCKING TIRED #UGH. alright bedtime round 189447383 #.diaries #.vent

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skitskatdacat63 · 4 months

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Hey Catie, I think I know those feelings you’re mad about so yeah, I agree, they suck! And not the good kind! Why isn’t there just some magical goat that could lick your palm and 💥 bam, no more icky sticky yucky feelings you don’t want? Because the Universe is out to get us 😫 that’s why 😒. But I guess eventually you learn to take things as they are and realise you really can only do so much and to just. Try and enjoy what you’re doing in the moment, with the people you’re with (or just yourself!). But mm… that’s only a hypothesis, unfortunately I don’t have any tried and tested methods. Still though, and I’m launching you a lotta love too 💞💨🔫

Thank you for such a kind message, I really appreciate. Sending you a lot of love too!!!!! I guess I've just been pretty lonely lately, yknow somewhat long holiday break leading into two meager weeks of class then into finals week, not really seeing anyone too much. I like being alone, but I also get way too into my head and all my negative emotions and actions are amplified to a bad degree.

But thank you again for the msg, you made me laugh with some of the things haha(not the good kind of suck, I'm crying!) I find it kinda hard to reach out to people, again insecurities, so I always feel super appreciative when I get an ask or DM or anything. Sitting here, twiddling my thumbs a lot these days ;;;; But I agree with you!!! You gotta try and keep yourself in the moment and enjoy things, and not languish. I think I just need to draw 24/7 bcs i don't really have conscious thought while doing so 😭😭

#in conclusion: please come talk to/harass me anytime you want danke danke #im lonely sob sob sob #me when i cant stop self isolating 😬#me when i remember humans do in fact need interaction and its killing me not to #also dw i do like. talk to irl people. parents and friend. occasionally #its just even more suffering when i suddenly have a lot of ideas and uh not many people to talk to #i think im seeing my friend this week so itll be good :) maybe ill feel better #it just sucks cause ive not seen her too often lately and im scared of things being stilted </3 #i think i have a cold or something rn too. i feel physically bad as well 😭#catie is not living la vida loca :(#ah well maybe ill try and draw 007 au tonight. maybe that will settle me.#ig also just UGH rn cause i feel weirdly insecure again abt rambling #it hits me every once in a while. bad emotions as prev stated #i hate feeling itchy in my own skin yknow? but it bites at me sometimes #BUT THANK YOU ANON MWAH MWAH #lets hope i recover 🙏#unfortunately i get into a bad state every month for a couple weeks or less. its annoying but it will pass!#just very. condensed. rn. its manageable most of the time #but atm its just suffocating so yeah please pass soon :) let me not second guess everything thanks #catie.rambling.txt #catie.asks.

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solardistress · 5 months

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so much creativity and love and beauty and kindness i want to add onto the world but i just cant . no matter how hard i try . ever

#so much pressure all the time #i always have to be that good student #i have to think abt my future #i cant even think about what a week will hold . what next month will be like #what tomorrow will be like #i cant even imagine it nicely #only about the work i left behind. allthe work i have to do #i findmyself writing things i dont mean on paper i draw on and it scares me a lot #but theres just so much work . and i have to work hard to work hard in the future #i have nothing there #i cant even imagine myself in a year . a month. a week. tomorrow #all i can ever think about is how much work i have to do how im falling behind how i cant ever catch up ever #how all i do is work #im nofun im not social i have no life and i will always have no life #and i dont know why i keep saying shit on here . i want to leave . i want to escape but from what . my life ?#sometimes i wonder what those things i write are true . i wonder if i should do them . i wonder how it would feel #would i feel better ? probably not in the long run #probably wouldnt be fun . itd hurt . a lot #so i try not to think abt it often but its just there. and my eyes always drift to it #is that what i really want ? i really hope not #id like to make it through school actually #well. have a longer life for sure. but truly i dont know how much i can handle #taking care of myself is so tough. and my brain never helps #and there i go again . drifting back to old thoughts and ways of thinking #sighs. heavily. or something. idk . i need to leave tumblr #i need to leave everything and disappear and never wake up again #vent

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bunnys-kisses · 11 days

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the jailbird (2)

prisoner!simon 'ghost' riley

part 1 | original text post

cw: (former) prisoner!simon, civilian!reader, romance & fluff, smut, size kink, sane and consensual, roleplay, rough sex, spanking, bondage & gags, tattoo kink, dom!simon, sub!reader

bunny says: love the fic? leave a comment! really love the fic? suggest your own! reblogs are encouraged!

living with an ex-convict was interesting. he still woke up at the crack of dawn, and as a result you were up too. he didn't know where anything was in your apartment, he hated that he had to wake you up but he didn't know where the spoons were.

you were happy to help him and spend some extra time together before you went to work. the more you were around him, the more you realized how big he was compared to you.

even his hands were much larger than yours. he loved to wrap you up in his arms and hold you while you were making yourself some breakfast. those strong tattooed arms around your middle as you flipped eggs.

sometimes he'd bury his face in your neck and visibly relaxed. he was still dealing with his fair share of trauma from the previous events of his life. and while it often left him stressed, he found comfort in you.

"you're my anchor, love." he said within the first week of his return to society.

you simply smiled and tried not to blush too hard as you said, "well, si. i'll happily be your anchor, as long as your mine."

"you're anchor, your rock, your foot solider, your lover." he said as he kept his gaze on you. since he had been living with you, you found his expression had softened a little. he could relax here.

"my husband." you reached out for him. he took your hand and kissed the top of it before he held it for a moment then returned it to you.

simon had a long road ahead of him, being on the inside for so long was going to cause some problems. but, he knew even if he had nothing. he had you.

it was almost five months into living together and he managed to get an interview working in small parts manufacturing. while it was tedious, they didn't need to look at his criminal record. which greatly excited him.

when he came home from the interview, he told you that it went well. that they seemed to like his dedication and were impressed when he mentioned his time in the military. he said, "got the whole 'thank you for your service'." as he held you and kissed you deeply.

it felt like your little lives were coming together. but the one thing you hated to admit to yourself. you sort of had a dark side, it wasn't anything too aggressive or 'evil'. you thought that simon was the perfect boyfriend, he'd never hurt a hair on your head.

but the idea of being with a criminal sort of had a sexy ring to it. to be with the bad boy. you almost felt embarrassed to admit it when he'd come home with flowers for you, or when he smiled at you. or when he held your hand when you went out. with you he got to be a person with love.

deep down you wanted to know the depths of your boyfriend. you wanted to know what a man like him, with his skill set, was capable of. you wanted it to burn, ache and hurt.

it took a lot of courage, you communicated with your boyfriend about a little make believe. while hesitant at first, he slowly started to warm up to the idea. you knew he was open to it when he came home from one, actually the first day at his job, with a bundle of bondage rope.

"the blue looks good on you." he remarked as he finished tying you up on the bed. he had your arms behind your back with you on your side and one leg tied to the bed post.

you looked at him, those eyes of yours were so alluring. you tried to move your leg but was stuck to the bed. he smiled down at you and tapped the ball gag in your mouth.

"but it doesn't matter what you want. right?' he asked, "i've searched a long time for you. you're not an easy woman to catch." he got between your legs, and hiked one leg over his shoulder as he started to aggressively lick your cunt. it was already dripping from the act of him tying you up.

there was no escape for you, even if you somehow got out of the bondage. he was almost twice the size of you and could do some damage if he wanted to.

you squirmed and whimpered around the ball gag as he took long, hard licks against your clit. he wanted to make sure his girl was wet enough for his large cock.

"maybe i should breed ya. bring you back to the boys all fat with my brats.' he purred, "i don't think they can throw ya in the can if you're pregnant. but who knows, you got pregnant by a thief." he continued to lick your sweet cunt. he was in heaven.

he really was so much bigger than you. he overpowered you, he could keep you down and fuck you until he had his fill, and there was nothing you could do about it. you were bound and gagged like a good girl.

he kept at it, he even teased your hole with his thick fingers until you were squirming more with your moans getting louder. he slapped your ass and gave you a stern look over your pussy. he gripped your leg over his shoulder. "shut up." he growled, "i don't need ya causin' a scene. i'd hate to go back to prison because you can't keep your trap shut up."

you hole clenched and he chuckled. he patted where he smacked and grabbed at the flesh before he went back to his feast between your legs. it didn't take long before the slick between your thighs got all over his face.

he pulled away and sat up on his knees. he stared down at you with your thigh wrapped around his waist. he was going to fuck you at a weird angle, but it was the only way he could keep his little prize tied up. he wiped is face, "you are the best thing i've caught." he said, "stolen a lotta loose change, but they're nothin' to the sweet taste of your cunt." he got his cock out his sweatpants and started to rub it against your slick pussy. he let out a harsh sigh from the sensation, "they should be keepin' ya behind the vault door." the tip slipped in for a moment and you clenched around it.

you whimpered and tried to pushed yourself down on his cock, but it was hard to do that when you were so tied up, he pushed the hair out of your eyes, your leftover wetness got on your cheek from his movements.

"but, you need to know." he said, "you're mine to do whatever to. your mommy and daddy aren't gonna save ya. you fell in love with a bad man and now you're lettin' him fuck your cunt raw. what's gonna happen at christmas when you're all swollen with my brats. riley boys are lil hell raisers." he went back to rubbing his cock up against your slit, "you'll be mine forever. my little prize. i should've taken ya a long time ago. just snatched ya up off the train. keep ya to myself." his tongue was getting loose from the buzz of pleasure in his brain.

you whimpered around the gag and almost cried out when he slipped his large cock into you easily. you felt it in your guts and his pace was much more brutal than the other times you've made love. that was the difference, you made love before. this was dirty, primal sex between a criminal and his captive.

the sounds of sex filled the air, paired with simon's heavy breathing. his heart was thumping steadily as he pushed his cock as deep as it would go. he loomed over you as he drilled himself into you. you were a comfortably tight fit around his cock.

you dug your nails into your palms from the immense pleasure and yelped when he slapped your ass. you whimpered when he leaned further into you to get closer into your personal space. his pace was brutal and it excited you.

"i'm a bad man." he said lowly, his voice close to your ear, "my worst crime is tainting such a precious angel." he held onto your calf as he bent your hips the closer he got. his voice was hot, "fill ya right up, make sure no other man has a chance to get ya knocked up." his tattooed hand went to your stomach which he gave a small rub, "my girl carryin' my boys."

your eyes almost rolled back from the heat in your body. you were almost drooling around the rubber gag in your mouth. it was dirty, it was filth. if anyone saw the state you were in, they would be shocked!

your head felt full of lust, you felt your lover so close to him. you knew despite the roughness and the harsh words, the entire scenario was safe. you knew you could get out of this if you needed to. but it wasn't getting to be too much, it was just enough.

the wetness between your legs and the flips in your stomach only excited you. to have such a large man be so domineering. it made you feel small in a good way. it was almost like being bound made you feel protected.

that you could lay yourself over to him and he'd cherish you. even if you were his little 'prize' for the evening. the hottest part was the pace at which his cock was battering your womb.

you whimpered against your gag and felt the heat rush through you. you held onto your palms as best as you could with your arms bound. the entire situation left you spinning, there was no wonder that orgasm crept up on you so easily.

with a loud moan around your gag, you climaxed around his cock. the tightness of your cunt mid-orgasm milked his cock till he was seeing stars. he came inside of you, his seed hit against the back of your womb.

the feeling of being able to do so left him a little slack-jawed. but he kept it together, even if his cheeks were flushed. when he finished, he slowly pulled out and started to untie you. his hands were shaky from the after effects of his orgasm.

he took the gag out of your mouth and pulled you in for a kiss when he finished untying you. he fell into bed with you and laid on top of the covers with you. he held you gently and kissed your face. he gave you gentle praise as he kept you in his arms.

when he looked at you, all was right in the world. you held onto him and pressed kisses against his face. after care consisted of tea and a small snack followed by a shower together, where he washed every part of you.

even though you were capable of doing it yourself, you still appreciated how detail orientated he was in the manner of getting you clean. little did you know that biology was working its magic and simon's seed found home in your cervix.

you better hope that the line about the riley boys being hellions was untrue or you'd have your hands full. it didn't help that when simon's hand grazed your stomach as he washed you that you blushed and tucked yourself closer to him.

mama riley did have a ring to it.

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