#okay I'm done shilling for the night

[rayslittlekitten]

Longest Nights

A/N: Okay, this isn't perfect but I think it mostly captures what I was going for. I'm done working on this. I've listened to "Last Christmas" by Ariana Grande on loop for literally the last like 8 hours trying to finish this. It's weirdly the song that inspired this (YT link below). This isn't the first Kai fic I thought I'd finish but here we are. Kai had already broke my heart so this fic is just me jamming the knife even deeper and twisting it. This fic is spoiler free.

Rating: T/M

Word Count: ~1.3k

Pairing: Kai x Pilot! F! Reader

Plot: When you run into your crush who you have a working relationship with on the loneliest night of the year, you find comfort in him.

Contains: mentions of sex, heartache, Kai is a warning in itself

It’s that time of year again, the shortest day and longest night, where all the travelers go home to be with their families and loved ones to celebrate the Winter Solstice. You don’t know the origin of the holiday but it’s celebrated universally. Traditions may vary from culture to culture but usually children get presents for being well-behaved all year and families gather around to sing and dance. 

But where do the ones with no family go? The same place where you are right now, seated on the stool at the bar in this saloon. The orphans, the loners, the outcasts. This is their home and it has been yours as well for the last few years. It can get lonely this time of year making the longest night seem even longer, but at least you’re not doing it alone.

While working on your third pint, a familiar voice behind you draws your attention. You slowly turn around to take a glance and as expected, you see him. He has his arm around a woman’s shoulder and they look cozy as they walk across the saloon. Probably a mark, but with Kai, you never know until it’s too late.

Your eyes follow them as they seat themselves at the other end of the bar. He leans in and whispers something into her ear and she giggles with her hand over her chest. She is definitely getting something stolen tonight, whether it’s the big shiny ring on her hand or her heart. You would know first hand.

When you finished off your ale, you sensed a presence next to you. Before you could order another pint, they ordered it for you as well as one for themselves, sliding a few coins to the bartender.

“Oh, hey Kai. You don’t need to-” you started, but he cut you off.

“Don’t worry about it. I got a bigger payout from my last job than I expected,” he waved his ringed hand to dismiss you. “Besides, I owe you one.”

Kai brought his freshly-poured pint up to clink with yours before taking a large gulp.

Last time, he tried to swindle a swindler and he almost had it but when they caught on, Kai would have lost his head if you hadn’t happened to be there to back him up. He’s always getting himself into all sorts of trouble for a shilling, but he’s usually smart about it. Once in a while, he just liked to do it for the challenge.

“It’s nothing,” you shrugged after taking a sip of your own ale. “I’m sure you would have done the same for me.”

You noticed the mischievous smirk forming on his face, flashing his shiny teeth. The precious metals in his mouth brightens his smile. Your gaze moved up and you’re suddenly lost in his bright blue eyes. It wouldn’t be your first time.

“So what are you doing here by yourself on a night like this? Shouldn’t you be with that bounty hunting fellow you’ve been planet-hopping with?” Kai asked curiously.

“You mean Jaxson? We’re not together anymore,” you told him, then took another sip of your drink, looking away from him in embarrassment.

“Well, that’s too bad for him. You’re a great person to have around,” he commented.

“Thanks, Kai. Guess he didn’t think so,” you threw him a tight-lipped smile. “He found somebody more suited for him at the brothel.”

“Eh, screw Jaxson! I never trust bounty hunters,” he replied. “Especially ones who can’t even see the value of someone.”

His crystal clear eyes met yours again and he winked. You felt your cheeks quickly heating up and it’s not from the ale. Kai was very charming and charismatic which is why he’s great at what he does and you’re not immune from it even knowing this. His accent certainly adds to it.

“Enough about that scoundrel. How’s business going, by the way?” he asked, changing the subject.

Kai would sometimes outsource jobs to you when he wasn’t able to do them himself and would take a small percentage of the payout as a finder’s fee. You never knew what you were transporting but you always took the job. It wasn’t just for the money; any opportunity to spend time with Kai was enough of a reason.

“Not many people have needed things transported lately, believe it or not. Might have to find other ways to earn if this keeps up. Fuel is not cheap.”

Kai leaned into you, his shoulder pressed right up against yours and his face mere inches away from yours.

“You know, I heard on Veldt, the farmers have this belief that making a lot of loud and passionate love appeases their god and will make their soil fertile so they will have an abundance of crops,” he started. 

“Interesting,” you commented, wondering where he’s going with this.

“Maybe it might work in the same way. Abundance of transportation needs,” he shrugged.

You let out a chortle, nearly choking on your ale. 

“Kai, that has to be the silliest thing I’ve ever heard,” you replied while wiping the corners of your mouth.

“It might be, but it made you laugh,” he said. “Has anyone ever told you how cute your laugh is?”

Your face got hot again as the corners of your lips curled up and you tried to hide your face in your shoulder. That handsome smile made an appearance again and there’s a twinkle in his eyes. He scanned your face before settling on your lips and leaning in even closer.

“Interested in appeasing the gods tonight?”

You let out a small laugh but stared at him for a few moments when his facial expression didn’t change. When his hooded eyes found yours again, your breath hitched.

***

The next morning, you found yourself alone in the bed of the room you both rented out for the night at a nearby inn. You scanned the room and there was no sign of Kai. It was as if he never stepped foot in here. The soreness between your legs is the only proof you had, that you hadn’t dreamt it. 

You had lost count of how many times he made you climax, but that wasn’t even the best part of it. It was the most intimate and passionate love making you had ever experienced. He said and did things that made you feel like the only person that existed in this universe. He took his time with you, worshiped you, and left no part of your body untouched. He made your body react in ways you didn’t ever think was possible. You opened up to him and shared parts of yourself that you hadn’t shared with anyone else, as it seemed like he did with you. 

Admittedly, you were in a vulnerable place, but it didn’t take away from what had manifested last night. You then suddenly checked all your belongings to make sure they were all there. After thoroughly searching, you found something that didn’t belong to you: one of Kai’s rings. You sighed in relief to confirm Kai didn’t steal anything from you, but it still felt like something was missing.

A few days later, you ran into him, although you didn’t know if it was by chance or it was by his design because he was in need of your services again. You returned his ring which he thanked you for, but things went on like nothing had ever happened between you. You had thought there was a connection. He had never brought up that night to you so you didn’t either, especially seeing him with another woman that day. You didn’t want to make things awkward.

You quickly finish your drink and tip the bartender as you gather your belongings. From your peripheral vision, you see the woman throw a drink onto Kai’s face before stomping out the swinging doors. You can’t help but smirk, but you hide it from him. You glance over at him for a quick moment as he wipes his face before finally heading out yourself. The last thing you need is for him to drown you in his eyes again. 

#charlie hunnam #charlie hunnam fanfiction #kai #rebel moon #kai fanfiction #rebel moon fanfiction #kai x f!reader #kai x reader #christmas #Youtube

[shadowgale96]

GET FETCH NOW!

Basically you're going to earn money for every receipt you take a picture of, and then they'll start giving you gift cards after you've earned $5+. It's crazy I've already had the app for about a week and I've already earned $10 just from scanning my receipts.

Go give the shot if you're interested. All the couponing channels I follow were telling me to download it, and I'm mad at myself for not downloading the sooner.

My referral code is: H9A5YN if you use it you'll make $2 instantly after you scan your first receipt

#try it out If you're interested #okay I'm done shilling for the night #thanks yall #fetch rewards #fetch #ibotta

[ibuki-loves-you]

cutely sends the shrek script

Shrek: "Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle, guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from the dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love and true love's first kiss." [Laughing] Like that's ever gonna happen.[Paper Rustling, Toilet Flushes]Shrek: What a load of--[Toilet Door slams]Shrek hops out his outhouse and his routine like taking a mud shower and farting in his pool.[♪ All-Star By Smash Mouth Playing]Steve Harwell: ♪ Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb in the shape of an "L" on her forehead. The years start comin', and they don't stop comin', fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin', didn't make sense not to live for fun. Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb. So much to do, so much to see, so what's wrong with takin' the backstreets. You'll never know if you don't go, you'll never shine if you don't glow. Hey, now, you're an all-star. Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star. Get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. It's a cool place, and they say it gets colder, you're bundled up now, but wait till you get older. But the meteor men beg to differ judging by the hole in the satellite picture. The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin, the water's getting warm so you might as well swim. My world's on fire, how 'bout yours? That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored. Hey, now, you're an all-star. ♪[Shouting]Steve Harwell: ♪ Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star. Get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. ♪[Belches]Villagers: Go! Go![Record Scrating]Steve Harwell: ♪ Go. Go. Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star. Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star, get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. ♪Villagers: Think it's in there? All right! Let's get it!Villager 1: Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing could do to you?Villager 2: Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread.Shrek: [Laughs] Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres-- they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.Villager 3: No!Shrek: They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.Villager 3: Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya![Gasping]Villager 3: Right.[Roaring][Shouting][Roaring][Roaring Continues][Shouting Continues]Shrek: [Whispers] This is the part where you run away.[Gasping]Shrek: [Laughs] [Laughing] And stay out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." [Sighs]Guard 1: All right. This one's full. Take it away![Gasps]Guard 2: Move it along. Come on. Get up!Captain of the Guards: Next!Guard 3: Give me that! Your flying days are over.Captain of the Guards: That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next.Guard 4: Get up!Captain of the Guards: Twenty pieces.Guard 5: Come on![Thudding]Guard 6: Sit down there! Keep quiet!Bear: [Crying] This cage is too small.Donkey: Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance!Old Lady: Oh, shut up!Donkey: Oh!Captain of the Guards: Next! What have you got?Geppetto: This little wooden puppet.Pinocchio: I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.Captain of the Guards: Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.Pinocchio: Father, please! Don't let them do this!Captain of the Guards: Next.Pinocchio: Help me!Captain of the Guards: What have you got?Old Lady: Well, I've got a talking donkey.[Grunts]Captain of the Guards: Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.Old Lady: Oh, go ahead, little fella.Captain of the Guards: Well?Old Lady: Oh, oh, he's just-- He's just a little

nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt--Captain of the Guards: That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!Old Lady: No, no, he talks! He does. [Moves Donkey’s lips] I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.Captain of the Guards: Get her out of my sight.Old Lady: No, no! I swear. Oh! He can talk!Donkey: [Gasps] Hey, I can fly!Peter Pan: He can fly!Pigs: He can fly!Captain of the Guards: He can talk!Donkey: Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking, donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Uh-oh.Captain of the Guards: Seize him!Guard 7: After him! He's getting away![Grunts, Gasps]Guard 8: Get him! This way! Turn!Captain of the Guards: You there. Ogre!Shrek: Aye?Captain of the Guards: By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorized to place you both under arrest, and transport you to a designated, resettlement facility.Shrek: Oh, really? You and what army?[Gasps, Whimpering]Donkey: [Chuckles] Can I say somethin' to you? Listen, you was really, really somethin' back there. Incredible!Shrek: Are you talkin' to-- me? Whoa!Donkey: Yes, I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you was great back there? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, then bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babies in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.Shrek: Oh, that's great. Really.Donkey: Man, it's good to be free.Shrek: Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?Donkey: But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.[Roaring]Donkey: Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time-- [Mumbling] Then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.Shrek: Why are you following me?Donkey: I'll tell you why. ♪ 'Cause I'm all alone. There's no one here beside me. My problems have all gone, there's no one to deride me. But you gotta have friends-- ♪Shrek: Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.Donkey: Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.Shrek: Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?Donkey: Uh-- Really tall?Shrek: No! I'm an ogre. You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?Donkey: Nope.Shrek: Really?Donkey: Really, really.Shrek: Oh.Donkey: Man, I like you. What's your name?Shrek: Uh, Shrek.Donkey: Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in a place like that?Shrek: That would be my home.Donkey: Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you?Shrek: I like my privacy.Donkey: You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like, I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You're trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. You know? Can I stay with you?Shrek: Uh, what?Donkey: Can I stay with you? Please?Shrek: Of course!Donkey: Really?Shrek: No.Donkey: Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But, that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!Shrek: Okay! Okay! But one night only.Donkey: Ah! Thank you!Shrek: What are you-- No. No.Donkey: This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles.Shrek: Oh!Donkey: Where do,

uh, I sleep?Shrek: Outside!Donkey: Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, I guess outside is best. [Sniffles] Here I go. Good night. [Sighs] I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself. Outside, I guess. You know. By myself. Outside. ♪ I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me. ♪[Bubbling][Sighs][Creaking]Shrek: [Sighs] I thought I told you to stay outside?Donkey: I am outside.[Clattering][Clattering]Mouse 1: Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have?Mouse 2: It's not home, but it'll do just fine.Gorder: What a lovely bed.Shrek: Got ya.Gorder: [Sniffs] I found some cheese.Shrek: Ow! [Grunts]Gorder: Blah! Awful stuff.Mouse 1: Is that you, Gorder?Gorder: How did you know?Shrek: Enough! What are you doing in my house? [Grunts] Hey![Snickers]Shrek: Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.Dwarf: Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.Shrek: Huh? [Gasps]Wolf: What?Shrek: I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do to get a little privacy?Wolf: Aah!Shrek: Oh, no. No! No! Oh, no.[Cackling][Cackling Continues]Shrek: What?Girl: Quit it. Don't push.[Squeaking][Lows]Shrek: What are you doing in my swamp? [Echoing] Swamp? Swamp? Swamp?[Gasping]Fairies: Oh, dear!Dwarf: Whoa!Shrek: All right, get out of here. All of you, move it. Come on. Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!Dwarf: Quickly. Come on!Shrek: No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.Dwarf: Oh![Sighs]Donkey: Hey, don’t look at me. I didn't invite them.Pinocchio: Oh, gosh, no one invited us.Shrek: What?Pinocchio: We were forced to come here.Shrek: By who?Pig: Lord Farquaad. He huffed und he puffed und he... singed an eviction notice.Shrek: [Sighs] All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is.[Murmuring]Donkey: Oh, I do. I know where he is.Shrek: Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?Donkey: Me! Me!Shrek: Anyone?Donkey: Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!Shrek: Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now, and get you all off my land and back where you came from![Cheering][Twittering][Cheering Continues]Shrek: Oh! You! You're comin' with me.Donkey: All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! ♪ On the road again. ♪ Sing it with me, Shrek.Dwarf: Hey. Oh, oh!Donkey: ♪ I can't wait to get in the road again. ♪Shrek: What did I say about singing?Donkey: Can I whistle?Shrek: No.Donkey: Can I hum it?Shrek: All right, hum it.♪♪ [Humming][Gurgling][Coughing]Farquaad: That's enough! He's ready to talk.[Coughing]Farquaad: [Laughing] [Clears Throat] Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!Gingy: You're a monster.Farquaad: I'm not the monster here, you are! You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now tell me, where are the others!?Gingy: Eat me![Spits]Farquaad: I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me, or I'll--Gingy: No! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!Farquaad: All right, then. Who's hiding them?Gingy: Okay. I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?Farquaad: The muffin man?Gingy: The muffin man.Farquaad: Yes. I know the muffin man. Who lives on Drury Lane?Gingy: Well, she's married to the muffin man.Farquaad: The muffin man?Gingy: The muffin man!Farquaad: She's married to the muffin man.[Door Opens]Captain of the Guards: My lord! We found it.Farquaad: Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.[Man Grunting][Gasping]Gingy: Oh!Farquaad: Magic Mirror.Gingy: Don't tell him anything! No!Farquaad: Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of all?Mirror: Well, technically you're not a king.Farquaad: Uh, Thelonius. You were saying?Mirror: What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.Farquaad: Go

on.Mirror: [Chuckles] So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! And last, but certainly not the least, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead, from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But, don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! So will it be, bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?Guards: Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!Farquaad: Three? One? [Shudders] Three?Thelonius: Three! Pick number three, my lord!Farquaad: Okay, okay, uh, number three!Mirror: Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.[♪ Escape By Rupert Holmes Playing]Rupert Holmes: ♪ If you like piña coladas. And getting caught in the rain. ♪Farquaad: Princess Fiona.Rupert Holmes: ♪ If you're not into yoga. ♪Farquaad: She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go--Mirror: But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.Farquaad: I'll do it.Mirror: Yes, but after sunset.Farquaad: Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.Donkey: But that's it. That's it right there. That's Duloc. I told ya I'd find it.Shrek: So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.Donkey: Uh-huh. That's the place.Shrek: Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? [Laughs]Donkey: [Groans] Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.Man: Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.Shrek: Hey, you![Screams]Shrek: Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat ya. I just-- I just--[Whimpering][Sighs][Whimpering, Groans][Turnstile Clatters][Chuckles][Sighs]♪♪ [Instrumental Music]Shrek: It's quiet. Too quiet.[Creaking]Shrek: Where is everybody?Donkey: Hey, look at this![Clattering, Whirring, Clicking][Clicking][Clicking Quickens]Clockwork Chorus: ♪ Welcome to Duloc such a perfect town. Here was have some rules, let us lay them down. Don't make waves, stay in line and we'll get along fine, Duloc is a perfect place. Please keep off of the grass, shine your shoes, wipe your... face. Duloc is, Duloc is, Duloc is a perfect place! ♪[Camera Shutter Clicks][Whirring]Donkey: Wow! Let's do that again!Shrek: No. No. No, no, no! No.[Trumpet Fanfare][Crowd Cheering]Farquaad: Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land.[Donkey Humming]Farquaad: Today one of you shall prove himself--Shrek: All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.Donkey: Sorry about that.[Cheering]Farquaad: That champion shall have the honor-- no, no-- the privilege, to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona, from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place, and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.[Cheering]Farquaad: Let the tournament begin![Gasps]Knight 1: Oh!Farquaad: What is that?[Gasping]Farquaad: It's hideous!Shrek: Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.Donkey: Huh?Farquaad: Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have at him!Knight 2: Get him!Shrek: Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.Woman: Go ahead! Get him!Shrek: Can't we just settle this over a pint?Knight 3: Kill the beast!Shrek: No? All right then. Come on![♪ Bad Reputation By Joan Jett Playing]Halfcocked: ♪ I don't give a damn about my reputation. You're living in the past, it's a new generation. ♪Knight 4: Damn![Whinnying]Halfcocked: ♪ A girl can do

what she wants to do, and that's what I'm gonna do. And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me. Me, me, me. ♪Donkey: Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!Halfcocked: ♪ And I don't give a damn about my reputation. Never said I wanted to improve my station. ♪Shrek: Ah! [Laughs]Halfcocked: ♪ And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun. ♪Shrek: Yeah!Halfcocked: ♪ And I don't have to please no one. ♪Wrestling Fan: The chair! Give him the chair!Halfcocked: ♪ And I don't give a damn about my reputation. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me. Me, me, me. Oh, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me. Not me. ♪[Bell Dings][Cheering]Shrek: [Laughs] Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha![Shrek Laughs][Crowd Gasping, Murmuring]Guard 9: Shall I give the order, sir?Farquaad: No, I have a better idea. People of Duloc! I give you our champion!Shrek: What?Farquaad: Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.Shrek: Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp back.Farquaad: Your swamp?Shrek: Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures![Crowd Murmuring]Farquaad: Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.Shrek: Exactly the way it was?Farquaad: Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.Shrek: And the squatters?Farquaad: As good as gone.Shrek: What kind of quest?Donkey: Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon, and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp, which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right?Shrek: You know what? Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.Donkey: I don't get it, Shrek. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip.Shrek: Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village, and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?Donkey: Uh, no, not really, no.Shrek: For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.Donkey: Example?Shrek: Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions.Donkey: [Sniffs] They stink?Shrek: Yes-- No!Donkey: They make you cry?Shrek: No!Donkey: You leave them out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.Shrek: No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. [Sighs]Donkey: Oh, you both have layers. Oh. [Sniffs] You know, not everybody likes onions. Cakes! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.Shrek: I don't care what everyone likes. Ogres. Are not. Like cakes.Donkey: You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Hey, let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.Shrek: No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.Donkey: Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole dang planet.Shrek: You know, I think preferred your humming.Donkey: Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering.[♪ I'm On My Way By The Proclaimers Playing]The Proclaimers: ♪ I'm on my way from misery to happiness today. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. And everything that you receive up yonder is what you give to me the day I wander, I'm on my way. I'm on my way. I'm on my way. ♪Donkey: Ooh! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything.Shrek: Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. [Sniffs] It's brimstone. We must be getting close.Donkey: Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

either.[Rumbling]Shrek: Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. [Laughing]Donkey: Shrek? Remember when you said ogres have layers?Shrek: Oh, aye.Donkey: Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.Shrek: Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.Donkey: You know what I mean.Shrek: You can't tell me you're afraid of heights?Donkey: No, I'm just a little uncomfortable being on a rickety over a boiling lake of lava!Shrek: Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay. For emotional support. We'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.Donkey: Really?Shrek: Really, really.Donkey: Okay, that makes me feel so much better.Shrek: Just keep moving. And don't look down.Donkey: Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. [Gasps] Shrek! I'm lookin' down! God, I can't do this! Just let me off right now. Please.Shrek: But you're already halfway.Donkey: But I know that half is safe!Shrek: Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.Donkey: Shrek, no! Wait!Shrek: Donkey-- Let's have a dance then, shall we?Donkey: Don't do that!Shrek: Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this?Donkey: Yes, that!Shrek: This? This, do it. Okay.Donkey: [Screams] No, Shrek! No! Stop it!Shrek: You said do it. I'm doin' it.Donkey: I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!Shrek: That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.Donkey: Cool. So, where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?Shrek: Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.Donkey: [Chuckles] I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.[Water Dripping][Wind Howling]Donkey: [Donkey Whispering] You afraid?Shrek: No, but-- Shh.Donkey: Oh, good. Me neither. [Gasps] 'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared, you know what I mean. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. [Gasps]Shrek: Donkey, two things, okay? Shut... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.Donkey: Stairs? I thought I was lookin' for the princess.Shrek: The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.Donkey: What makes it you think she'll be there?Shrek: I read it in a book once.Donkey: Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.[Creaking]Donkey: I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here, right here. I'd step all over it.Shrek: Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the--?Donkey: Dragon! [Screams] [Gasps][Roars]Shrek: Donkey, look out! [Screams][Screams][Whimpering]Shrek: Got ya![Roars][Gasps]Shrek: [Shouts] Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! [Screaming]Donkey: [Gasps] Oh! Aah! Aah! [Gasping][Growls]Donkey: No. Oh, no. No! [Screams] Oh, what large teeth you have.[Growls]Donkey: I mean, I mean, white sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're-- You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. 'Cause, you're just reeking a feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ooh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but, you know, I'm, uh-- [Coughs] I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings and stuff. Shrek! [Gasps] [Whimpering] No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek![Groans, Sighs]♪♪ [Chorus Vocalizing]♪♪ [Vocalizing Continues]♪♪ [Vocalizing Continues]Fiona: Oh! Oh!Shrek in Armor: Wake up!Fiona: What?Shrek in Armor: Are you Princess Fiona?Fiona: I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.Shrek in Armor: Oh, that's nice. Now, let's go!Fiona: But,

wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?Shrek in Amror: Yeah. Sorry, lady. There's no time.Fiona: Hey, wait. What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet, out yonder window, and down a rope onto your valiant steed.Shrek in Armor: You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?Fiona: Mm-hmm. [Screams, Grunts] But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!Shrek in Armor: I don't think so.Fiona: Can I at least know the name of my champion?Shrek: Um, Shrek.Fiona: Sir Shrek. [Clears Throat] I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.Shrek in Armor: Thanks.[Roaring]Fiona: You didn't slay the dragon?Shrek in Armor: It's on my to-do list. Now, come on!Fiona: [Screams] But this isn't right! You’re meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying! That's what all the other knights did!Shrek in Armor: Yeah, right before they burst into flame!Fiona: You know, that's not the point! Oh! Wait. Where are you going? The exit's over there.Shrek in Armor: Well, I have to save my ass.Fiona: What kind of knight are you?Shrek in Armor: One of the kind.Donkey: Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. [Laughs] I don't to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this-- Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude-- Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or maybe his pen pals. 'Cause I'm the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards, and-- I'd really love to stay, but-- Hey, hey, hey! Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal ail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission to-- Wait. What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no! No! Oh![Growls][Roars][Roaring][Gasps]Donkey: Hi, Princess!Fiona: It talks!Shrek in Armor: Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick!Donkey: Shrek! [Screams] [Screaming]Shrek: Oh![Thuds][Groans][Shrek Groans][Roars][Roars][Roaring][Roars]Shrek in Armor: Okay, you two! Head for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. [Echoing] Run![Gasping][Screaming][Screams][Roars][Panting, Sighs][Whimpers][Roars][Roars, Whimpers][Dragon Growling In The Distance]Fiona: You did it! You rescued me! You're amazing. You're-- You're wonderful. You're... A little unorthodox, I'll admit. But thy deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.[Clears Throat]Fiona: And where would be a brave knight be without his noble steed?Donkey: All right, I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a noble steed.Fiona: [Fiona Laughs] The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.Shrek in Armor: Uh, no.Fiona: Why not?Shrek: I have helmet hair.Fiona: Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.Shrek in Armor: No, no, you wouldn't'st.Fiona: But, how will you kiss me?Shrek in Armor: What? That job wasn't in the job description.Donkey: Maybe it's a perk.Fiona: No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon, is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.Donkey: Hmm? With Shrek? You think-- Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is your true love?Fiona: Well, yes.[Laughing][Laughing]Donkey: You think Shrek is your true love!Fiona: What is so funny?Shrek in Armor: Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona: Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now-- Now remove your helmet.Shrek in Amror: Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.Fiona: Just take off the helmet.Shrek in Amror: I'm not going to.Fiona: Take it off.Shrek in Amror: No!Fiona: Now!Shrek in Armor: Okay! Easy. As you command, Your Highness.Fiona: You-- You're-- an ogre.Shrek: Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.Fiona: Well, yes,

actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre.Shrek: Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay. He's the one who wants to marry you.Fiona: Then why didn't he come to rescue me?Shrek: Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.Fiona: But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some ogre and his pet.Donkey: So much for noble steed.Shrek: You're not making my job any easier.Fiona: I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.Shrek: Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.Fiona: You wouldn't dare. Put me down!Shrek: Ya comin', Donkey?Donkey: I'm right behind ya.Fiona: Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! [Screams]Donkey: Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right? But you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?Fiona: You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find your-- Hey! [Sighs] The sooner we get to Duloc the better.Donkey: Oh, yeah. You're gonna love it there, Princess? It's beautiful!Fiona: And my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?Shrek: Well, let me put this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's standards are in short supply. [Laughs]Donkey: I don't know, Shrek. There are those who think little of him.[Both Laughing]Fiona: Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.Shrek: Maybe. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.Fiona: Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?Shrek: No, that'll take longer.Fiona: But there's robbers in the woods.Donkey: Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping is definitely startin' to sound good.Shrek: Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.Fiona: I need to find somewhere to camp now![Bird Wings Fluttering]Shrek: [Grunting] Hey! Over here.Donkey: Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.Fiona: No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.Shrek: Homey touches? Like what?[Crashing]Fiona: A door. Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.Donkey: You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.Fiona: I said, good night!Donkey: Shrek, what are you doing?Shrek: [Laughs] I just-- You know-- Oh, come on. I was just kidding.[Fire Crackling]Shrek: And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields.Donkey: Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?Shrek: The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.Donkey: I know you're making this up.Shrek: No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.Donkey: Man, that ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.Shrek: Sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.Donkey: [Sighs] Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?Shrek: Our swamp?Donkey: You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.Shrek: We? Donkey, there is no "we." There's no "our." There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land.Donkey: You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.Shrek: No. Do ya think?Donkey: Are you hidin' something?Shrek: Never mind, Donkey.Donkey: Oh! This is another one of those onion things, isn't it?Shrek: No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it-alone things.Donkey: Why don't you want to talk about it?Shrek: Why do you always want to?Donkey: Why are you blocking?Shrek: I'm not blocking.Donkey: Yes, you are.Shrek: Donkey, I'm warning you.Donkey: Who you trying to keep out?Shrek: Everyone! Okay?Donkey: Now we're gettin' somewhere.Shrek: Oh! For

the love of Pete!Donkey: What's your problem? What you got against the whole world?Shrek: Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go, "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" [Sighs] They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.Donkey: You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre.Shrek: Yeah, I know.Donkey: So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?Shrek: Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.Donkey: Okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?Shrek: That's the moon.Donkey: Oh, okay.♪♪ [Orchestra]♪♪ [Dulcimer]Farquaad: Again. Show me again.[Music Stops, Rewinds]Farquaad: Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.Mirror: Hmph.[Rewinds, Resumes]Farquaad: Ah. Perfect. [Inhales][Snoring]♪♪ [Vocalizing]♪♪ [Vocalizing Continues]♪♪ [Whistling]♪♪ [Whistling Continues]♪♪ [Vocalizes]♪♪ [Whistles]♪♪ [Vocalizes]♪♪ [Whistles]♪♪ [Vocalizing]♪♪ [Whistling]♪♪ [Vocalizing, High-pitched]♪♪ [Whistling, High-pitched]♪♪ [Continues][Sizzling][Sniffs, Yawns]Shrek: Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.Donkey: Come on, baby. I said I like it.Shrek: Donkey, wake up.Donkey: Huh? What?Shrek: Wake up.Donkey: What?Fiona: Good morning. How do you like your eggs?Donkey: Good morning, Princess!Shrek: What's all this about?Fiona: We kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. After all, you did rescue me.Shrek: Uh, thanks.[Sniffs]Fiona: Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.[Belches]Donkey: Shrek!Shrek: What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. [Laughs]Donkey: Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.[Belches]Fiona: Thanks.Donkey: She's as nasty as you are.Shrek: [Laughs] You know, you're not exactly what I expected.Fiona: Maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. [Vocalizing]Monsieur Hood: La liberte! Hey!Shrek: Princess?[Laughs]Fiona: What are you doing?Monsieur Hood: Be still, cherie, for I am your savior! And I am rescuing you from this green [Kissing Sounds] beast.Shrek: Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own!Monsieur Hood: Please, monsters! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?Fiona: Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are!Monsieur Hood: Oh! Of course! How rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men! [Laughs]♪♪ [Accordion]Merry Men: ♪ Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo! ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ I steal from the rich and give to the needy. ♪Man: ♪ He takes a wee percentage. ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels. Man, I'm good. ♪Merry Men: ♪ What a guy, Monsieur Hood! ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ Break it down. I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid. ♪Merry Men: ♪ What he's basically saying is he likes to get-- ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ Paid. ♪Merry Men: ♪ So. ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush, that's bad. ♪Merry Men: ♪ That's bad. ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad. ♪Merry Men: ♪ He's mad. He's really, really mad. ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart. Keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start! ♪[Tarzan Yell][Grunts, Groans][Karate Yell][Merry Men Gasping]Fiona: [Panting] Man, that was annoying!Man: Oh, you little--[Karate Yell]♪♪ [Accordion][Tarzan woman yell][Shouting, Groaning][Tarzan woman yells about 3 times][Groaning]Fiona: [Chuckles] Um, shall we?Shrek: Hold the phone.[Grunts]Shrek: Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?Fiona: What?Shrek: That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?Fiona: Well-- [Chuckles] When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a-- There's an arrow in your butt!Shrek: What? Oh, would you look at that?Fiona: Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.Donkey: Why? What's wrong?Fiona: Shrek's hurt.Donkey: Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.Shrek: Donkey, I'm okay.Donkey: Oh, you can't do this to me. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your

legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?Fiona: Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.Donkey: Blue flower, red thorns. Okay. I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die, Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!Shrek: Donkey!Donkey: Okay, okay. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns.Shrek: What are the flowers for?Fiona: For getting rid of Donkey.Shrek: Ah.Fiona: Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.Shrek: Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.Fiona: I'm sorry, but it has to come out.Shrek: No, it's tender. Now, hold on. What you're doing is the opposite of help.Fiona: Don't move.Shrek: Look, time out.Fiona: Would you-- [Grunts] Okay. What do you propose we do?Donkey: Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.Shrek: Ow!Donkey: Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!Shrek: Ow! Not good.Fiona: Okay. Okay, I can nearly see the head.[Grunts]Fiona: It's just about--Shrek: Ow! Ohh!Donkey: Ahem.Shrek: Nothing happened. We were just, uh--Donkey: Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was as, okay.Shrek: Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind! The princess here was just-- Ugh! Ow!Donkey: Hey, what's that? [Nervous Chuckle] That's-- Is that blood? [Sighs][Bird Chirping][♪ My Beloved Monster By Eels Playing][Grunts]Eels: ♪ My beloved monster and me. We go everywhere together. Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves, gets us through all kinds of weather. ♪Donkey: Aah!Eels: ♪ She will always be the only thing. That comes between me and the awful sting. That comes from living in the world that's so damn mean. ♪[Croaks]Eels: ♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh. ♪Fiona: Hey!Eels: ♪ La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la. ♪[Both Laughing]Eels: La-la, la-la, la-la.Shrek: There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.Fiona: That's Duloc?Donkey: Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really-- Ow!Shrek: Um, I, uh-- I guess we better move one.Fiona: Sure. But, Shrek? I'm-- I'm worried about Donkey.[Blubbering]Shrek: What?Fiona: I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.Donkey: What are you talking about? I'm fine.Fiona: That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.Shrek: You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?Fiona: I'll make you some tea.Donkey: I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look. [Bones Crunch] Ow! See?Shrek: Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.Fiona: I'll get the firewood.Donkey: Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.Fiona: Mmm. Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?Shrek: Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.Fiona: No kidding.Shrek: Well, this is delicious. Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. [Chuckling]Donkey: [Sighs] I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.Shrek: [Gulps] Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare-- you name it.Fiona: [Chuckles] I'd like that.[Slurps, Laughs]Donkey: ♪ See the pyramids along the Nile. ♪Shrek: Um, Princess?Donkey: ♪ Watch the sunrise from a tropical isle. ♪Fiona: Yes, Shrek?Shrek: I, um, I was wondering.Donkey: ♪ Just remember, darling all the while. ♪Shrek: Are you--Donkey: You belong to me.Shrek: [Sighs] Are you gonna eat that?[Chuckles]Donkey: Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.Fiona: Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.Shrek: What?Donkey: Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?Fiona: Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.Donkey: Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until-- Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid

of the dark.[Shrek Sighs]Fiona: Good night.Shrek: Good night.[Door Creaks]Donkey: Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.Shrek: Oh, what are you talkin' about?Donkey: I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. I know two were diggin' in each other. I could feel it.Shrek: You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.Donkey: Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.Shrek: I-- There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know-- and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't-- she's a princess, and I'm--Donkey: An ogre?Shrek: Yeah. An ogre.Donkey: Hey, where you goin'?Shrek: To get... more firewood. [Sighs]Donkey: Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?[Wings Fluttering]Donkey: Princess?[Creaking]Donkey: [Gasps] It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.[Screams]Donkey: Aah!Fiona: Oh, no!Donkey: No, help!Fiona: Shh!Donkey: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!Fiona: No, it's okay. It's okay.Donkey: What did you do with the princess?Fiona: Donkey, I'm the princess.Donkey: Aah!Fiona: It's me, in this body.Donkey: Oh, my God! You ate the princess! Can you hear me?Fiona: Donkey!Donkey: Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!Fiona: No!Donkey: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!Fiona: Shh.Donkey: Shrek!Fiona: This is me.Donkey: [Muffled Mumbling] Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.Fiona I'm ugly, okay?Donkey: Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now--Fiona: No. I-- I've been this way as long as I can remember.Donkey: What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.Fiona: It only happens when the sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm, until you find true love's first kiss, and then take love's true form."Donkey: Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.Fiona: It's a spell. [Sighs] When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the sun sets and he sees me, like this. [Sobs]Donkey: All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.Fiona: But, Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.Donkey: Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?Fiona: I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.Donkey: But, you know, um, you're kind of an ogre, and Shrek-- well, you got a lot in common.Fiona: Shrek?Shrek: Princess, I-- Uh, how's going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and-- well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd-- uh, uh-- [Sighs] I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.Fiona: I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who could ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.[Deep Sigh]Fiona: Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.Donkey: You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.Fiona: No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.Donkey: What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?Fiona: Promise you won't tell. Promise!Donkey: All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'.[Door Opens][Snoring]Fiona: I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want--[Snoring]Fiona: Shrek. Are you all right?Shrek: Perfect! Never been better.Fiona: I-- I don't-- There's

something I have to tell you.Shrek: You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.Fiona: You heard what I said?Shrek: Every word.Fiona: I thought you'd understand.Shrek: Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?"Fiona: But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.Shrek: Yeah? Well, it does.[Gasps, Sighs]Shrek: Ah, right on time.[Horse Whinnies]Shrek: Princess, I've brought you a little something.♪♪ [Fanfare]Donkey: [Yawns] What'd I miss? What'd I miss? [Muffled] Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.Farquaad: Princess Fiona.Shrek: As promised. Now hand it over.Farquaad: Very well, ogre. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, ad agreed. Take it and go before I change my mind. Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have ever seen such a radiant beauty before. I am Lord Farquaad.Fiona: Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying, a short, farewell.Farquaad: That's so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings.Fiona: No, you're right. It doesn't.Farquaad: Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.[Gasps]Farquaad: Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?Fiona: Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make.Farquaad: Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!Fiona: No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.Farquaad: Oh, anxious, are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!Fiona: Fare-thee-well, ogre.Donkey: Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.Shrek: Yeah? So what?Donkey: Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night. She's--Shrek: I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?Donkey: Shrek, I-- I wanna go with you.Shrek: I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!Donkey: But I thought--Shrek: Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong!Donkey: Shrek.[♪ Hallelujah By John Cale Playing]John Cale: ♪ I heard there was a secret chord, that David played, and it pleased the Lord. But you don't really care for music, do ya? It goes like this the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall the major lift. The baffled king composing hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. Baby, I've been here before, I know this room I've walked this floor, I used to live alone before I knew you. I've seen your flag on the marble arch, but love is not a victory march. It's a cold and it's broken hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. And all I ever learned from love is how to shoot at someone who outdrew you. ♪[Moaning]John Cale: ♪ And it's not a cry you can hear at night, it's not somebody who's seen the light. It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah. ♪[Moaning]John Cale: ♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. ♪[Thumping Sound]Shrek: Donkey?[Grunts]Shrek: What are you doing?Donkey: I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.Shrek: Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.Donkey: It is. Around your half. See, that's your half, and this is my half.Shrek: Oh! Your half. Hmm.Donkey: Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.Shrek: Back off!Donkey: No, you back off.Shrek: This is my swamp!Donkey: Our swamp.Shrek: Let go, Donkey!Donkey: You let go.Shrek: Stubborn jackass!Donkey: Smelly ogre.Shrek: Fine!Donkey: Hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.Shrek: Well, I'm through with you.Donkey: Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me

and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.Shrek: Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?Donkey: Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!Shrek: Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you, for stabbin' me in the back!Donkey: Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.Shrek: Go away!Donkey: There you are, doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.Shrek: Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking.Donkey: She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.Shrek: She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?Donkey: Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?Shrek: Donkey!Donkey: No!Shrek: Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?Donkey: Hmph.Shrek: [Sighs] I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?Donkey: Hey, that's what friends are for, right?Shrek: Right. Friends?Donkey: Friends.Shrek: So, um, what did Fiona say about me?Donkey: What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?Shrek: The wedding! We'll never make it in time.Donkey: Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where there's a will, there's a way, and I have a way. [Whistles]Shrek: Donkey?[Donkey Laughing]Donkey: I guess it's just an animal magnetism.Shrek: [Laughing] Aw, come here, you.Donkey: All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. [Donkey Laughing] Whoo![Bells Tolling][All Gasping]Bishop: People of Duloc, we gather here today, to bear witness, to the union...Fiona: Um-- of our now king--Bishop: Excuse me.Fiona: Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?Farquaad: [Chuckling] Go on.Donkey: Go ahead, have some fun. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?Shrek: What are you talking about?Donkey: There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"Shrek: I don't have time for this!Donkey: Wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?Shrek: Yes.Donkey: You wanna hold her?Shrek: Yes.Donkey: Please her?Shrek: Yes!Donkey: ♪ Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. ♪ The chicks love that romantic crap!Shrek: All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?Donkey: We gotta check it out.[Donkey Grunting]Bishop: And so, by the power vested in me...Shrek: What do you see?Donkey: The whole town's in there.Bishop: ...I now pronounce you husband and wife...Donkey: They're at the altar.Bishop: ...king and queen.Donkey: Mother Fletcher! He already said it.Shrek: Oh, for the love of Pete![Grunts]Shrek: I object!Fiona: Shrek?[Gasps]Farquaad: Oh, now what does he want?[Crowd Clamoring]Shrek: Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean.Fiona: What are you doing here?Farquaad: Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding--Shrek: Fiona! I need to talk to you.Fiona: Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me--Shrek: But you can't marry him.Fiona: And why not?Shrek: Because-- Because he's just marrying you so he can be king.Farquaad: Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.Shrek: He's not your true love.Fiona: And what do you know about true love?Shrek: Well, I-- Uh-- I mean--Farquaad: Oh, this is precious. [Chuckling] The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.[Crowd Laughing]Farquaad: An ogre and a princess! [Laughing Continues]Fiona: Shrek, is this true?Farquaad: Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmm!Fiona: "By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.[Whimpers][Crowd Gasping]Shrek: Well, uh, that explains a

lot.Farquaad: Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!Fiona: No, no! Shrek!Farquaad: This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?Fiona: No, let go of me, Shrek!Shrek: No!Farquaad: Don't just stand there, you morons.Shrek: Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!Farquaad: I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll beg for death to save you!Fiona: No! Shrek!Farquaad: And as for you, my wife,Shrek: Fiona!Farquaad: I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I am king![Whistles]Farquaad: I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have-- Aaah! Aah!Donkey: All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.[Dragon Roars]Donkey: I'm a donkey on the edge![Belches]Donkey: [Donkey Laughs] Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?[Cheering]Donkey: Go ahead, Shrek.Shrek: Uh, Fiona?Fiona: Yes, Shrek?Shrek: I-- I love you.Fiona: Really?Shrek: Really, really.Fiona: I love you too.All: Aawww!Fiona: "Until you find true love's first kiss, and then take love's true form." [Echoing] [Echoing Continues] "Take love's true from. Take love's true form."Shrek: Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?Fiona: Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.Shrek: But you are beautiful.[Chuckles]Donkey: I was hoping would be a happy ending.[♪ I'm A Believer By Smash Mouth Playing]Steve Harwell: ♪ I thought love was only true in fairy tales. ♪All: Oy!Steve Harwell: ♪ Meant for someone else but not for me. Love was out to get me, that's the way it seemed, disappointment haunted all my dreams. And then I saw her face. Now I'm a believer. And not a trace. Of doubt in my mind. I'm in love. ♪Choir: ♪ Ohh-ahh. ♪Steve Harwell: ♪ I'm a believer I couldn't leaver her if I tried. ♪Gingy: God bless us, every one.Donkey: Come on, y'all! ♪ Then I saw her face. ♪ Ha-ha! ♪ Now I'm a believer. ♪ Listen! Not a trace. ♪ Of doubt in my mind. I'm in love. Ooh-ahh. I'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried. ♪Mice: Ooh! Uh!Donkey: ♪ Then I saw her face! Now I'm a believer! Hey! Not a trace. Uhh! Yeah. Of doubt in my mind. One more time! I'm in love. I'm a believer. Come on! I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey! Y'all sing it with me! I believe! I believe! People in the back! I believe! ♪Smash Mouth: ♪ I'm a believer. ♪Donkey: ♪ I believe. I believe. I believe! ♪ [Hysterical Laughing] Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

i hope you know you crashed my tumblr, made my phone lag, and cursed my feed. thank you so much /j

nah but fr thats fucking hilarious BHAHAHAHA - MOD IBUKI

#mod ibuki talks!

[black-5abbath]

Shrek: "Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle, guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from the dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love and true love's first kiss." [Laughing] Like that's ever gonna happen. [Paper Rustling, Toilet Flushes] Shrek: What a load of-- [Toilet Door slams] Shrek hops out his outhouse and his routine like taking a mud shower and farting in his pool. [♪ All-Star By Smash Mouth Playing] Steve Harwell: ♪ Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb in the shape of an "L" on her forehead. The years start comin', and they don't stop comin', fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin', didn't make sense not to live for fun. Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb. So much to do, so much to see, so what's wrong with takin' the backstreets. You'll never know if you don't go, you'll never shine if you don't glow. Hey, now, you're an all-star. Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star. Get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. It's a cool place, and they say it gets colder, you're bundled up now, but wait till you get older. But the meteor men beg to differ judging by the hole in the satellite picture. The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin, the water's getting warm so you might as well swim. My world's on fire, how 'bout yours? That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored. Hey, now, you're an all-star. ♪ [Shouting] Steve Harwell: ♪ Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star. Get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. ♪ [Belches] Villagers: Go! Go! [Record Scrating] Steve Harwell: ♪ Go. Go. Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star. Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star, get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. ♪ Villagers: Think it's in there? All right! Let's get it! Villager 1: Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing could do to you? Villager 2: Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread. Shrek: [Laughs] Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres-- they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. Villager 3: No! Shrek: They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. Villager 3: Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! [Gasping] Villager 3: Right. [Roaring] [Shouting] [Roaring] [Roaring Continues] [Shouting Continues] Shrek: [Whispers] This is the part where you run away. [Gasping] Shrek: [Laughs] [Laughing] And stay out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." [Sighs] Guard 1: All right. This one's full. Take it away! [Gasps] Guard 2: Move it along. Come on. Get up! Captain of the Guards: Next! Guard 3: Give me that! Your flying days are over. Captain of the Guards: That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next. Guard 4: Get up! Captain of the Guards: Twenty pieces. Guard 5: Come on! [Thudding] Guard 6: Sit down there! Keep quiet! Bear: [Crying] This cage is too small. Donkey: Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! Old Lady: Oh, shut up! Donkey: Oh! Captain of the Guards: Next! What have you got? Geppetto: This little wooden puppet. Pinocchio: I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. Captain of the Guards: Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. Pinocchio: Father, please! Don't let them do this! Captain of the Guards: Next. Pinocchio: Help me! Captain of the Guards: What have you got? Old Lady: Well, I've got a talking donkey. [Grunts] Captain of the Guards: Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. Old Lady: Oh, go ahead, little fella. Captain of the Guards: Well? Old Lady: Oh, oh, he's just-- He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt-- Captain of the Guards: That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! Old Lady: No, no, he talks! He does. [Moves Donkey’s lips] I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. Captain of the Guards: Get her out of my sight. Old Lady: No, no! I swear. Oh! He can talk! Donkey: [Gasps] Hey, I can fly! Peter Pan: He can fly! Pigs: He can fly! Captain of the Guards: He can talk! Donkey: Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking, donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Uh-oh. Captain of the Guards: Seize him! Guard 7: After him! He's getting away! [Grunts, Gasps] Guard 8: Get him! This way! Turn! Captain of the Guards: You there. Ogre! Shrek: Aye? Captain of the Guards: By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorized to place you both under arrest, and transport you to a designated, resettlement facility. Shrek: Oh, really? You and what army? [Gasps, Whimpering] Donkey: [Chuckles] Can I say somethin' to you? Listen, you was really, really somethin' back there. Incredible! Shrek: Are you talkin' to-- me? Whoa! Donkey: Yes, I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you was great back there? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, then bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babies in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. Shrek: Oh, that's great. Really. Donkey: Man, it's good to be free. Shrek: Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? Donkey: But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. [Roaring] Donkey: Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time-- [Mumbling] Then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. Shrek: Why are you following me? Donkey: I'll tell you why. ♪ 'Cause I'm all alone. There's no one here beside me. My problems have all gone, there's no one to deride me. But you gotta have friends-- ♪ Shrek: Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. Donkey: Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. Shrek: Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? Donkey: Uh-- Really tall? Shrek: No! I'm an ogre. You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? Donkey: Nope. Shrek: Really? Donkey: Really, really. Shrek: Oh. Donkey: Man, I like you. What's your name? Shrek: Uh, Shrek. Donkey: Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in a place like that? Shrek: That would be my home. Donkey: Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you? Shrek: I like my privacy. Donkey: You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like, I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You're trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. You know? Can I stay with you? Shrek: Uh, what? Donkey: Can I stay with you? Please? Shrek: Of course! Donkey: Really? Shrek: No. Donkey: Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But, that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! Shrek: Okay! Okay! But one night only. Donkey: Ah! Thank you! Shrek: What are you-- No. No. Donkey: This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles. Shrek: Oh! Donkey: Where do, uh, I sleep? Shrek: Outside! Donkey: Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, I guess outside is best. [Sniffles] Here I go. Good night. [Sighs] I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself. Outside, I guess. You know. By myself. Outside. ♪ I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me. ♪ [Bubbling] [Sighs] [Creaking] Shrek: [Sighs] I thought I told you to stay outside? Donkey: I am outside. [Clattering] [Clattering] Mouse 1: Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? Mouse 2: It's not home, but it'll do just fine. Gorder: What a lovely bed. Shrek: Got ya. Gorder: [Sniffs] I found some cheese. Shrek: Ow! [Grunts] Gorder: Blah! Awful stuff. Mouse 1: Is that you, Gorder? Gorder: How did you know? Shrek: Enough! What are you doing in my house? [Grunts] Hey! [Snickers] Shrek: Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. Dwarf: Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. Shrek: Huh? [Gasps] Wolf: What? Shrek: I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do to get a little privacy? Wolf: Aah! Shrek: Oh, no. No! No! Oh, no. [Cackling] [Cackling Continues] Shrek: What? Girl: Quit it. Don't push. [Squeaking] [Lows] Shrek: What are you doing in my swamp? [Echoing] Swamp? Swamp? Swamp? [Gasping] Fairies: Oh, dear! Dwarf: Whoa! Shrek: All right, get out of here. All of you, move it. Come on. Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Dwarf: Quickly. Come on! Shrek: No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. Dwarf: Oh! [Sighs] Donkey: Hey, don’t look at me. I didn't invite them. Pinocchio: Oh, gosh, no one invited us. Shrek: What? Pinocchio: We were forced to come here. Shrek: By who? Pig: Lord Farquaad. He huffed und he puffed und he... singed an eviction notice. Shrek: [Sighs] All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is. [Murmuring] Donkey: Oh, I do. I know where he is. Shrek: Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? Donkey: Me! Me! Shrek: Anyone? Donkey: Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! Shrek: Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now, and get you all off my land and back where you came from! [Cheering] [Twittering] [Cheering Continues] Shrek: Oh! You! You're comin' with me. Donkey: All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! ♪ On the road again. ♪ Sing it with me, Shrek. Dwarf: Hey. Oh, oh! Donkey: ♪ I can't wait to get in the road again. ♪ Shrek: What did I say about singing? Donkey: Can I whistle? Shrek: No. Donkey: Can I hum it? Shrek: All right, hum it. ♪♪ [Humming] [Gurgling] [Coughing] Farquaad: That's enough! He's ready to talk. [Coughing] Farquaad: [Laughing] [Clears Throat] Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man! Gingy: You're a monster. Farquaad: I'm not the monster here, you are! You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now tell me, where are the others!? Gingy: Eat me! [Spits] Farquaad: I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me, or I'll-- Gingy: No! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons! Farquaad: All right, then. Who's hiding them? Gingy: Okay. I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? Farquaad: The muffin man? Gingy: The muffin man. Farquaad: Yes. I know the muffin man. Who lives on Drury Lane? Gingy: Well, she's married to the muffin man. Farquaad: The muffin man? Gingy: The muffin man! Farquaad: She's married to the muffin man. [Door Opens] Captain of the Guards: My lord! We found it. Farquaad: Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. [Man Grunting] [Gasping] Gingy: Oh! Farquaad: Magic Mirror. Gingy: Don't tell him anything! No! Farquaad: Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of all? Mirror: Well, technically you're not a king. Farquaad: Uh, Thelonius. You were saying? Mirror: What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. Farquaad: Go on. Mirror: [Chuckles] So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! And last, but certainly not the least, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead, from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But, don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! So will it be, bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? Guards: Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three! Farquaad: Three? One? [Shudders] Three? Thelonius: Three! Pick number three, my lord! Farquaad: Okay, okay, uh, number three! Mirror: Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. [♪ Escape By Rupert Holmes Playing] Rupert Holmes: ♪ If you like piña coladas. And getting caught in the rain. ♪ Farquaad: Princess Fiona. Rupert Holmes: ♪ If you're not into yoga. ♪ Farquaad: She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go-- Mirror: But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. Farquaad: I'll do it. Mirror: Yes, but after sunset. Farquaad: Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. Donkey: But that's it. That's it right there. That's Duloc. I told ya I'd find it. Shrek: So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. Donkey: Uh-huh. That's the place. Shrek: Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? [Laughs] Donkey: [Groans] Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. Man: Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. Shrek: Hey, you! [Screams] Shrek: Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat ya. I just-- I just-- [Whimpering] [Sighs] [Whimpering, Groans] [Turnstile Clatters] [Chuckles] [Sighs] ♪♪ [Instrumental Music] Shrek: It's quiet. Too quiet. [Creaking] Shrek: Where is everybody? Donkey: Hey, look at this! [Clattering, Whirring, Clicking] [Clicking] [Clicking Quickens] Clockwork Chorus: ♪ Welcome to Duloc such a perfect town. Here was have some rules, let us lay them down. Don't make waves, stay in line and we'll get along fine, Duloc is a perfect place. Please keep off of the grass, shine your shoes, wipe your... face. Duloc is, Duloc is, Duloc is a perfect place! ♪ [Camera Shutter Clicks] [Whirring] Donkey: Wow! Let's do that again! Shrek: No. No. No, no, no! No. [Trumpet Fanfare] [Crowd Cheering] Farquaad: Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land. [Donkey Humming] Farquaad: Today one of you shall prove himself-- Shrek: All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. Donkey: Sorry about that. [Cheering] Farquaad: That champion shall have the honor-- no, no-- the privilege, to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona, from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place, and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. [Cheering] Farquaad: Let the tournament begin! [Gasps] Knight 1: Oh! Farquaad: What is that? [Gasping] Farquaad: It's hideous! Shrek: Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. Donkey: Huh? Farquaad: Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have at him! Knight 2: Get him! Shrek: Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. Woman: Go ahead! Get him! Shrek: Can't we just settle this over a pint? Knight 3: Kill the beast! Shrek: No? All right then. Come on! [♪ Bad Reputation By Joan Jett Playing] Halfcocked: ♪ I don't give a damn about my reputation. You're living in the past, it's a new generation. ♪ Knight 4: Damn! [Whinnying] Halfcocked: ♪ A girl can do what she wants to do, and that's what I'm gonna do. And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me. Me, me, me. ♪ Donkey: Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! Halfcocked: ♪ And I don't give a damn about my reputation. Never said I wanted to improve my station. ♪ Shrek: Ah! [Laughs] Halfcocked: ♪ And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun. ♪ Shrek: Yeah! Halfcocked: ♪ And I don't have to please no one. ♪ Wrestling Fan: The chair! Give him the chair! Halfcocked: ♪ And I don't give a damn about my reputation. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me. Me, me, me. Oh, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me. Not me. ♪ [Bell Dings] [Cheering] Shrek: [Laughs] Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! [Shrek Laughs] [Crowd Gasping, Murmuring] Guard 9: Shall I give the order, sir? Farquaad: No, I have a better idea. People of Duloc! I give you our champion! Shrek: What? Farquaad: Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. Shrek: Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp back. Farquaad: Your swamp? Shrek: Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures! [Crowd Murmuring] Farquaad: Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. Shrek: Exactly the way it was? Farquaad: Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. Shrek: And the squatters? Farquaad: As good as gone. Shrek: What kind of quest? Donkey: Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon, and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp, which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right? Shrek: You know what? Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. Donkey: I don't get it, Shrek. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. Shrek: Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village, and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? Donkey: Uh, no, not really, no. Shrek: For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. Donkey: Example? Shrek: Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. Donkey: [Sniffs] They stink? Shrek: Yes-- No! Donkey: They make you cry? Shrek: No! Donkey: You leave them out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. Shrek: No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. [Sighs] Donkey: Oh, you both have layers. Oh. [Sniffs] You know, not everybody likes onions. Cakes! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. Shrek: I don't care what everyone likes. Ogres. Are not. Like cakes. Donkey: You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Hey, let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. Shrek: No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. Donkey: Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole dang planet. Shrek: You know, I think preferred your humming. Donkey: Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering. [♪ I'm On My Way By The Proclaimers Playing] The Proclaimers: ♪ I'm on my way from misery to happiness today. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. And everything that you receive up yonder is what you give to me the day I wander, I'm on my way. I'm on my way. I'm on my way. ♪ Donkey: Ooh! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything. Shrek: Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. [Sniffs] It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Donkey: Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone either. [Rumbling] Shrek: Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. [Laughing] Donkey: Shrek? Remember when you said ogres have layers? Shrek: Oh, aye. Donkey: Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. Shrek: Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. Donkey: You know what I mean. Shrek: You can't tell me you're afraid of heights? Donkey: No, I'm just a little uncomfortable being on a rickety over a boiling lake of lava! Shrek: Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay. For emotional support. We'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. Donkey: Really? Shrek: Really, really. Donkey: Okay, that makes me feel so much better. Shrek: Just keep moving. And don't look down. Donkey: Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. [Gasps] Shrek! I'm lookin' down! God, I can't do this! Just let me off right now. Please. Shrek: But you're already halfway. Donkey: But I know that half is safe! Shrek: Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. Donkey: Shrek, no! Wait! Shrek: Donkey-- Let's have a dance then, shall we? Donkey: Don't do that! Shrek: Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? Donkey: Yes, that! Shrek: This? This, do it. Okay. Donkey: [Screams] No, Shrek! No! Stop it! Shrek: You said do it. I'm doin' it. Donkey: I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh! Shrek: That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. Donkey: Cool. So, where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? Shrek: Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. Donkey: [Chuckles] I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. [Water Dripping] [Wind Howling] Donkey: [Donkey Whispering] You afraid? Shrek: No, but-- Shh. Donkey: Oh, good. Me neither. [Gasps] 'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared, you know what I mean. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. [Gasps] Shrek: Donkey, two things, okay? Shut... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. Donkey: Stairs? I thought I was lookin' for the princess. Shrek: The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. Donkey: What makes it you think she'll be there? Shrek: I read it in a book once. Donkey: Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. [Creaking] Donkey: I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here, right here. I'd step all over it. Shrek: Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the--? Donkey: Dragon! [Screams] [Gasps] [Roars] Shrek: Donkey, look out! [Screams] [Screams] [Whimpering] Shrek: Got ya! [Roars] [Gasps] Shrek: [Shouts] Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! [Screaming] Donkey: [Gasps] Oh! Aah! Aah! [Gasping] [Growls] Donkey: No. Oh, no. No! [Screams] Oh, what large teeth you have. [Growls] Donkey: I mean, I mean, white sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're-- You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. 'Cause, you're just reeking a feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ooh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but, you know, I'm, uh-- [Coughs] I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings and stuff. Shrek! [Gasps] [Whimpering] No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! [Groans, Sighs] ♪♪ [Chorus Vocalizing] ♪♪ [Vocalizing Continues] ♪♪ [Vocalizing Continues] Fiona: Oh! Oh! Shrek in Armor: Wake up! Fiona: What? Shrek in Armor: Are you Princess Fiona? Fiona: I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. Shrek in Armor: Oh, that's nice. Now, let's go! Fiona: But, wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? Shrek in Amror: Yeah. Sorry, lady. There's no time. Fiona: Hey, wait. What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet, out yonder window, and down a rope onto your valiant steed. Shrek in Armor: You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Fiona: Mm-hmm. [Screams, Grunts] But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! Shrek in Armor: I don't think so. Fiona: Can I at least know the name of my champion? Shrek: Um, Shrek. Fiona: Sir Shrek. [Clears Throat] I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Shrek in Armor: Thanks. [Roaring] Fiona: You didn't slay the dragon? Shrek in Armor: It's on my to-do list. Now, come on! Fiona: [Screams] But this isn't right! You’re meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying! That's what all the other knights did! Shrek in Armor: Yeah, right before they burst into flame! Fiona: You know, that's not the point! Oh! Wait. Where are you going? The exit's over there. Shrek in Armor: Well, I have to save my ass. Fiona: What kind of knight are you? Shrek in Armor: One of the kind. Donkey: Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. [Laughs] I don't to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this-- Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude-- Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or maybe his pen pals. 'Cause I'm the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards, and-- I'd really love to stay, but-- Hey, hey, hey! Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal ail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission to-- Wait. What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no! No! Oh! [Growls] [Roars] [Roaring] [Gasps] Donkey: Hi, Princess! Fiona: It talks! Shrek in Armor: Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick! Donkey: Shrek! [Screams] [Screaming] Shrek: Oh! [Thuds] [Groans] [Shrek Groans] [Roars] [Roars] [Roaring] [Roars] Shrek in Armor: Okay, you two! Head for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. [Echoing] Run! [Gasping] [Screaming] [Screams] [Roars] [Panting, Sighs] [Whimpers] [Roars] [Roars, Whimpers] [Dragon Growling In The Distance] Fiona: You did it! You rescued me! You're amazing. You're-- You're wonderful. You're... A little unorthodox, I'll admit. But thy deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. [Clears Throat] Fiona: And where would be a brave knight be without his noble steed? Donkey: All right, I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a noble steed. Fiona: [Fiona Laughs] The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight. Shrek in Armor: Uh, no. Fiona: Why not? Shrek: I have helmet hair. Fiona: Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer. Shrek in Armor: No, no, you wouldn't'st. Fiona: But, how will you kiss me? Shrek in Armor: What? That job wasn't in the job description. Donkey: Maybe it's a perk. Fiona: No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon, is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. Donkey: Hmm? With Shrek? You think-- Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is your true love? Fiona: Well, yes. [Laughing] [Laughing] Donkey: You think Shrek is your true love! Fiona: What is so funny? Shrek in Armor: Let's just say I'm not your type, okay? Fiona: Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now-- Now remove your helmet. Shrek in Amror: Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. Fiona: Just take off the helmet. Shrek in Amror: I'm not going to. Fiona: Take it off. Shrek in Amror: No! Fiona: Now! Shrek in Armor: Okay! Easy. As you command, Your Highness. Fiona: You-- You're-- an ogre. Shrek: Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Fiona: Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre. Shrek: Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay. He's the one who wants to marry you. Fiona: Then why didn't he come to rescue me? Shrek: Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. Fiona: But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some ogre and his pet. Donkey: So much for noble steed. Shrek: You're not making my job any easier. Fiona: I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Shrek: Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy. Fiona: You wouldn't dare. Put me down! Shrek: Ya comin', Donkey? Donkey: I'm right behind ya. Fiona: Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! [Screams] Donkey: Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right? But you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? Fiona: You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find your-- Hey! [Sighs] The sooner we get to Duloc the better. Donkey: Oh, yeah. You're gonna love it there, Princess? It's beautiful! Fiona: And my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? Shrek: Well, let me put this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's standards are in short supply. [Laughs] Donkey: I don't know, Shrek. There are those who think little of him. [Both Laughing] Fiona: Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. Shrek: Maybe. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow. Fiona: Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? Shrek: No, that'll take longer. Fiona: But there's robbers in the woods. Donkey: Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping is definitely startin' to sound good. Shrek: Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. Fiona: I need to find somewhere to camp now! [Bird Wings Fluttering] Shrek: [Grunting] Hey! Over here. Donkey: Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. Fiona: No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. Shrek: Homey touches? Like what? [Crashing] Fiona: A door. Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. Donkey: You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. Fiona: I said, good night! Donkey: Shrek, what are you doing? Shrek: [Laughs] I just-- You know-- Oh, come on. I was just kidding. [Fire Crackling] Shrek: And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Donkey: Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future from these stars? Shrek: The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. Donkey: I know you're making this up. Shrek: No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. Donkey: Man, that ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. Shrek: Sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. Donkey: [Sighs] Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? Shrek: Our swamp? Donkey: You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. Shrek: We? Donkey, there is no "we." There's no "our." There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land. Donkey: You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. Shrek: No. Do ya think? Donkey: Are you hidin' something? Shrek: Never mind, Donkey. Donkey: Oh! This is another one of those onion things, isn't it? Shrek: No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it-alone things. Donkey: Why don't you want to talk about it? Shrek: Why do you always want to? Donkey: Why are you blocking? Shrek: I'm not blocking. Donkey: Yes, you are. Shrek: Donkey, I'm warning you. Donkey: Who you trying to keep out? Shrek: Everyone! Okay? Donkey: Now we're gettin' somewhere. Shrek: Oh! For the love of Pete! Donkey: What's your problem? What you got against the whole world? Shrek: Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go, "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" [Sighs] They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. Donkey: You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Shrek: Yeah, I know. Donkey: So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? Shrek: Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying. Donkey: Okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? Shrek: That's the moon. Donkey: Oh, okay. ♪♪ [Orchestra] ♪♪ [Dulcimer] Farquaad: Again. Show me again. [Music Stops, Rewinds] Farquaad: Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. Mirror: Hmph. [Rewinds, Resumes] Farquaad: Ah. Perfect. [Inhales] [Snoring] ♪♪ [Vocalizing] ♪♪ [Vocalizing Continues] ♪♪ [Whistling] ♪♪ [Whistling Continues] ♪♪ [Vocalizes] ♪♪ [Whistles] ♪♪ [Vocalizes] ♪♪ [Whistles] ♪♪ [Vocalizing] ♪♪ [Whistling] ♪♪ [Vocalizing, High-pitched] ♪♪ [Whistling, High-pitched] ♪♪ [Continues] [Sizzling] [Sniffs, Yawns] Shrek: Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. Donkey: Come on, baby. I said I like it. Shrek: Donkey, wake up. Donkey: Huh? What? Shrek: Wake up. Donkey: What? Fiona: Good morning. How do you like your eggs? Donkey: Good morning, Princess! Shrek: What's all this about? Fiona: We kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. After all, you did rescue me. Shrek: Uh, thanks. [Sniffs] Fiona: Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. [Belches] Donkey: Shrek! Shrek: What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. [Laughs] Donkey: Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess. [Belches] Fiona: Thanks. Donkey: She's as nasty as you are. Shrek: [Laughs] You know, you're not exactly what I expected. Fiona: Maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. [Vocalizing] Monsieur Hood: La liberte! Hey! Shrek: Princess? [Laughs] Fiona: What are you doing? Monsieur Hood: Be still, cherie, for I am your savior! And I am rescuing you from this green [Kissing Sounds] beast. Shrek: Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own! Monsieur Hood: Please, monsters! Can't you see I'm a little busy here? Fiona: Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are! Monsieur Hood: Oh! Of course! How rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men! [Laughs] ♪♪ [Accordion] Merry Men: ♪ Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo! ♪ Monsieur Hood: ♪ I steal from the rich and give to the needy. ♪ Man: ♪ He takes a wee percentage. ♪ Monsieur Hood: ♪ But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels. Man, I'm good. ♪ Merry Men: ♪ What a guy, Monsieur Hood! ♪ Monsieur Hood: ♪ Break it down. I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid. ♪ Merry Men: ♪ What he's basically saying is he likes to get-- ♪ Monsieur Hood: ♪ Paid. ♪ Merry Men: ♪ So. ♪ Monsieur Hood: ♪ When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush, that's bad. ♪ Merry Men: ♪ That's bad. ♪ Monsieur Hood: ♪ When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad. ♪ Merry Men: ♪ He's mad. He's really, really mad. ♪ Monsieur Hood: ♪ I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart. Keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start! ♪ [Tarzan Yell] [Grunts, Groans] [Karate Yell] [Merry Men Gasping] Fiona: [Panting] Man, that was annoying! Man: Oh, you little-- [Karate Yell] ♪♪ [Accordion] [Tarzan woman yell] [Shouting, Groaning] [Tarzan woman yells about 3 times] [Groaning] Fiona: [Chuckles] Um, shall we? Shrek: Hold the phone. [Grunts] Shrek: Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? Fiona: What? Shrek: That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that? Fiona: Well-- [Chuckles] When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a-- There's an arrow in your butt! Shrek: What? Oh, would you look at that? Fiona: Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. Donkey: Why? What's wrong? Fiona: Shrek's hurt. Donkey: Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. Shrek: Donkey, I'm okay. Donkey: Oh, you can't do this to me. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? Fiona: Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. Donkey: Blue flower, red thorns. Okay. I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die, Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! Shrek: Donkey! Donkey: Okay, okay. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Shrek: What are the flowers for? Fiona: For getting rid of Donkey. Shrek: Ah. Fiona: Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out. Shrek: Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. Fiona: I'm sorry, but it has to come out. Shrek: No, it's tender. Now, hold on. What you're doing is the opposite of help. Fiona: Don't move. Shrek: Look, time out. Fiona: Would you-- [Grunts] Okay. What do you propose we do? Donkey: Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. Shrek: Ow! Donkey: Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! Shrek: Ow! Not good. Fiona: Okay. Okay, I can nearly see the head. [Grunts] Fiona: It's just about-- Shrek: Ow! Ohh! Donkey: Ahem. Shrek: Nothing happened. We were just, uh-- Donkey: Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was as, okay. Shrek: Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind! The princess here was just-- Ugh! Ow! Donkey: Hey, what's that? [Nervous Chuckle] That's-- Is that blood? [Sighs] [Bird Chirping] [♪ My Beloved Monster By Eels Playing] [Grunts] Eels: ♪ My beloved monster and me. We go everywhere together. Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves, gets us through all kinds of weather. ♪ Donkey: Aah! Eels: ♪ She will always be the only thing. That comes between me and the awful sting. That comes from living in the world that's so damn mean. ♪ [Croaks] Eels: ♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh. ♪ Fiona: Hey! Eels: ♪ La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la. ♪ [Both Laughing] Eels: La-la, la-la, la-la. Shrek: There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. Fiona: That's Duloc? Donkey: Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really-- Ow! Shrek: Um, I, uh-- I guess we better move one. Fiona: Sure. But, Shrek? I'm-- I'm worried about Donkey. [Blubbering] Shrek: What? Fiona: I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. Donkey: What are you talking about? I'm fine. Fiona: That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead. Shrek: You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? Fiona: I'll make you some tea. Donkey: I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look. [Bones Crunch] Ow! See? Shrek: Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. Fiona: I'll get the firewood. Donkey: Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. Fiona: Mmm. Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? Shrek: Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style. Fiona: No kidding. Shrek: Well, this is delicious. Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. [Chuckling] Donkey: [Sighs] I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night. Shrek: [Gulps] Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare-- you name it. Fiona: [Chuckles] I'd like that. [Slurps, Laughs] Donkey: ♪ See the pyramids along the Nile. ♪ Shrek: Um, Princess? Donkey: ♪ Watch the sunrise from a tropical isle. ♪ Fiona: Yes, Shrek? Shrek: I, um, I was wondering. Donkey: ♪ Just remember, darling all the while. ♪ Shrek: Are you-- Donkey: You belong to me. Shrek: [Sighs] Are you gonna eat that? [Chuckles] Donkey: Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. Fiona: Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. Shrek: What? Donkey: Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? Fiona: Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. Donkey: Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until-- Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. [Shrek Sighs] Fiona: Good night. Shrek: Good night. [Door Creaks] Donkey: Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here. Shrek: Oh, what are you talkin' about? Donkey: I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. I know two were diggin' in each other. I could feel it. Shrek: You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. Donkey: Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. Shrek: I-- There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know-- and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't-- she's a princess, and I'm-- Donkey: An ogre? Shrek: Yeah. An ogre. Donkey: Hey, where you goin'? Shrek: To get... more firewood. [Sighs] Donkey: Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? [Wings Fluttering] Donkey: Princess? [Creaking] Donkey: [Gasps] It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. [Screams] Donkey: Aah! Fiona: Oh, no! Donkey: No, help! Fiona: Shh! Donkey: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Fiona: No, it's okay. It's okay. Donkey: What did you do with the princess? Fiona: Donkey, I'm the princess. Donkey: Aah! Fiona: It's me, in this body. Donkey: Oh, my God! You ate the princess! Can you hear me? Fiona: Donkey! Donkey: Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! Fiona: No! Donkey: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Fiona: Shh. Donkey: Shrek! Fiona: This is me. Donkey: [Muffled Mumbling] Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different. Fiona I'm ugly, okay? Donkey: Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now-- Fiona: No. I-- I've been this way as long as I can remember. Donkey: What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. Fiona: It only happens when the sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm, until you find true love's first kiss, and then take love's true form." Donkey: Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. Fiona: It's a spell. [Sighs] When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the sun sets and he sees me, like this. [Sobs] Donkey: All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. Fiona: But, Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look. Donkey: Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? Fiona: I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. Donkey: But, you know, um, you're kind of an ogre, and Shrek-- well, you got a lot in common. Fiona: Shrek? Shrek: Princess, I-- Uh, how's going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and-- well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd-- uh, uh-- [Sighs] I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. Fiona: I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who could ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. [Deep Sigh] Fiona: Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. Donkey: You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. Fiona: No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know. Donkey: What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? Fiona: Promise you won't tell. Promise! Donkey: All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'. [Door Opens] [Snoring] Fiona: I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want-- [Snoring] Fiona: Shrek. Are you all right? Shrek: Perfect! Never been better. Fiona: I-- I don't-- There's something I have to tell you. Shrek: You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. Fiona: You heard what I said? Shrek: Every word. Fiona: I thought you'd understand. Shrek: Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" Fiona: But I thought that wouldn't matter to you. Shrek: Yeah? Well, it does. [Gasps, Sighs] Shrek: Ah, right on time. [Horse Whinnies] Shrek: Princess, I've brought you a little something. ♪♪ [Fanfare] Donkey: [Yawns] What'd I miss? What'd I miss? [Muffled] Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey. Farquaad: Princess Fiona. Shrek: As promised. Now hand it over. Farquaad: Very well, ogre. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, ad agreed. Take it and go before I change my mind. Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have ever seen such a radiant beauty before. I am Lord Farquaad. Fiona: Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying, a short, farewell. Farquaad: That's so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings. Fiona: No, you're right. It doesn't. Farquaad: Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. [Gasps] Farquaad: Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? Fiona: Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make. Farquaad: Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! Fiona: No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. Farquaad: Oh, anxious, are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! Fiona: Fare-thee-well, ogre. Donkey: Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away. Shrek: Yeah? So what? Donkey: Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night. She's-- Shrek: I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? Donkey: Shrek, I-- I wanna go with you. Shrek: I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! Donkey: But I thought-- Shrek: Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! Donkey: Shrek. [♪ Hallelujah By John Cale Playing] John Cale: ♪ I heard there was a secret chord, that David played, and it pleased the Lord. But you don't really care for music, do ya? It goes like this the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall the major lift. The baffled king composing hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. Baby, I've been here before, I know this room I've walked this floor, I used to live alone before I knew you. I've seen your flag on the marble arch, but love is not a victory march. It's a cold and it's broken hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. And all I ever learned from love is how to shoot at someone who outdrew you. ♪ [Moaning] John Cale: ♪ And it's not a cry you can hear at night, it's not somebody who's seen the light. It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah. ♪ [Moaning] John Cale: ♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. ♪ [Thumping Sound] Shrek: Donkey? [Grunts] Shrek: What are you doing? Donkey: I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. Shrek: Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. Donkey: It is. Around your half. See, that's your half, and this is my half. Shrek: Oh! Your half. Hmm. Donkey: Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. Shrek: Back off! Donkey: No, you back off. Shrek: This is my swamp! Donkey: Our swamp. Shrek: Let go, Donkey! Donkey: You let go. Shrek: Stubborn jackass! Donkey: Smelly ogre. Shrek: Fine! Donkey: Hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. Shrek: Well, I'm through with you. Donkey: Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. Shrek: Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? Donkey: Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! Shrek: Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you, for stabbin' me in the back! Donkey: Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. Shrek: Go away! Donkey: There you are, doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. Shrek: Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. Donkey: She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else. Shrek: She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? Donkey: Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? Shrek: Donkey! Donkey: No! Shrek: Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? Donkey: Hmph. Shrek: [Sighs] I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me? Donkey: Hey, that's what friends are for, right? Shrek: Right. Friends? Donkey: Friends. Shrek: So, um, what did Fiona say about me? Donkey: What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? Shrek: The wedding! We'll never make it in time. Donkey: Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where there's a will, there's a way, and I have a way. [Whistles] Shrek: Donkey? [Donkey Laughing] Donkey: I guess it's just an animal magnetism. Shrek: [Laughing] Aw, come here, you. Donkey: All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. [Donkey Laughing] Whoo! [Bells Tolling] [All Gasping] Bishop: People of Duloc, we gather here today, to bear witness, to the union... Fiona: Um-- of our now king-- Bishop: Excuse me. Fiona: Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? Farquaad: [Chuckling] Go on. Donkey: Go ahead, have some fun. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? Shrek: What are you talking about? Donkey: There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" Shrek: I don't have time for this! Donkey: Wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? Shrek: Yes. Donkey: You wanna hold her? Shrek: Yes. Donkey: Please her? Shrek: Yes! Donkey: ♪ Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. ♪ The chicks love that romantic crap! Shrek: All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? Donkey: We gotta check it out. [Donkey Grunting] Bishop: And so, by the power vested in me... Shrek: What do you see? Donkey: The whole town's in there. Bishop: ...I now pronounce you husband and wife... Donkey: They're at the altar. Bishop: ...king and queen. Donkey: Mother Fletcher! He already said it. Shrek: Oh, for the love of Pete! [Grunts] Shrek: I object! Fiona: Shrek? [Gasps] Farquaad: Oh, now what does he want? [Crowd Clamoring] Shrek: Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean. Fiona: What are you doing here? Farquaad: Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding-- Shrek: Fiona! I need to talk to you. Fiona: Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me-- Shrek: But you can't marry him. Fiona: And why not? Shrek: Because-- Because he's just marrying you so he can be king. Farquaad: Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. Shrek: He's not your true love. Fiona: And what do you know about true love? Shrek: Well, I-- Uh-- I mean-- Farquaad: Oh, this is precious. [Chuckling] The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. [Crowd Laughing] Farquaad: An ogre and a princess! [Laughing Continues] Fiona: Shrek, is this true? Farquaad: Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmm! Fiona: "By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before. [Whimpers] [Crowd Gasping] Shrek: Well, uh, that explains a lot. Farquaad: Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! Fiona: No, no! Shrek! Farquaad: This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? Fiona: No, let go of me, Shrek! Shrek: No! Farquaad: Don't just stand there, you morons. Shrek: Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! Farquaad: I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll beg for death to save you! Fiona: No! Shrek! Farquaad: And as for you, my wife, Shrek: Fiona! Farquaad: I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I am king! [Whistles] Farquaad: I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have-- Aaah! Aah! Donkey: All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it. [Dragon Roars] Donkey: I'm a donkey on the edge! [Belches] Donkey: [Donkey Laughs] Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? [Cheering] Donkey: Go ahead, Shrek. Shrek: Uh, Fiona? Fiona: Yes, Shrek? Shrek: I-- I love you. Fiona: Really? Shrek: Really, really. Fiona: I love you too. All: Aawww! Fiona: "Until you find true love's first kiss, and then take love's true form." [Echoing] [Echoing Continues] "Take love's true from. Take love's true form." Shrek: Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right? Fiona: Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. Shrek: But you are beautiful. [Chuckles] Donkey: I was hoping would be a happy ending. [♪ I'm A Believer By Smash Mouth Playing] Steve Harwell: ♪ I thought love was only true in fairy tales. ♪ All: Oy! Steve Harwell: ♪ Meant for someone else but not for me. Love was out to get me, that's the way it seemed, disappointment haunted all my dreams. And then I saw her face. Now I'm a believer. And not a trace. Of doubt in my mind. I'm in love. ♪ Choir: ♪ Ohh-ahh. ♪ Steve Harwell: ♪ I'm a believer I couldn't leaver her if I tried. ♪ Gingy: God bless us, every one. Donkey: Come on, y'all! ♪ Then I saw her face. ♪ Ha-ha! ♪ Now I'm a believer. ♪ Listen! Not a trace. ♪ Of doubt in my mind. I'm in love. Ooh-ahh. I'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried. ♪ Mice: Ooh! Uh! Donkey: ♪ Then I saw her face! Now I'm a believer! Hey! Not a trace. Uhh! Yeah. Of doubt in my mind. One more time! I'm in love. I'm a believer. Come on! I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey! Y'all sing it with me! I believe! I believe! People in the back! I believe! ♪ Smash Mouth: ♪ I'm a believer. ♪ Donkey: ♪ I believe. I believe. I believe! ♪ [Hysterical Laughing] Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

@ranboos-sister

#shrek is god

[yourlocalsewerdragon]

{Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. {Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen. {Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes} What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead The years start comin' and they don't stop comin' Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin' Didn't make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets You'll never know if you don't go You'll never shine if you don't glow Hey, now You're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold It's a cool place and they say it gets colder You're bundled up now but wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin The water's getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on fire How 'bout yours That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored Hey, now, you're an all-star {Shouting} Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold {Belches} Go! Go! {Record Scratching} Go. Go.Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold -Think it's in there? -All right. Let's get it! -Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? -Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. {Laughs} -Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint. Now, ogres - - They're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. -No! -They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. -Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! {Gasping} -Right. {Roaring} {Shouting} {Roaring} {Whispers} This is the part where you run away. {Gasping} {Laughs} {Laughing} And stay out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." {Sighs} {Man's voice} All right. This one's full. -Take it away! {Gasps} -Move it along. Come on! Get up! -Next! -Give me that! Your fiying days are over. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! -Get up! Come on! -Twenty pieces. {Thudding} -Sit down there! -Keep quiet! {Crying} -This cage is too small. -Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! -Oh, shut up. -Oh! -Next! -What have you got? -This little wooden puppet. -I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. -Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. -Father, please! Don't let them do this! -Help me! -Next! What have you got? -Well, I've got a talking donkey. {Grunts} -Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. -Oh, go ahead, little fella. -Well? -Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - - -That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! -No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. -Get her out of my sight. -No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! {Gasps} -Hey! I can fly! -He can fly! -He can fly! -He can talk! -Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Oh-oh. {Grunts} -Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away! {Grunts, Gasps} {Man} -Get him! This way! Turn! -You there. Orge! -Aye? -By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility. -Oh, really? You and what army? {Gasps, Whimpering} {Chuckles} -Can I say something to you? -Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa! -Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. -Oh, that's great. Really. -Man, it's good to be free. -Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? -But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. {Roaring} -Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling} Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. -Why are you following me? -I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone There's no one here beside me My promlems have all gone There's no one to deride me But you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. -Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. -Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? -Uh - - Really tall? -No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? -Nope. -Really? -Really, really. -Oh. -Man, I like you. What's you name? -Uh, Shrek. -Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? -That would be my home. -Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. -I guess you don't entertain much, do you? -I like my privacy. -You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. -Can I stay with you? -Uh, what? -Can I stay with you, please? -Of course! -Really? -No. -Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! -Okay! Okay! But one night only. -Ah! Thank you! -What are you - - No! No! -This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. -Oh! -Where do, uh, I sleep? -Outside! -Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. {Sniffles} -Here I go. -Good night. {Sighs} -I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone There's no one here beside me {Bubbling} {Sighs} {Creaking} {Sighs} -I thought I told you to stay outside. -I'm outside. {Clattering} -Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune. -What a lovely bed. -Got ya. {Sniffs} I found some cheese. -Ow! {Grunts} -Blah! Awful stuff. -Is that you, Gorder? -How did you know? -Enough! What are you doing in my house? {Grunts} -Hey!

{Snickers} -Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. -Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. -Huh? {Gusps} {Male voice} What? -I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy? -Aah! -Oh, no. No! No! {Cackling} -What? -Quit it. -Don't push. {Squeaking} {Lows} - What are you doing in my swamp? {Echoing} Swamp! Swamp! Swamp! {Gasping} -Oh, dear! -Whoa! -All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! -Quickly. Come on! -No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. -Oh! {Sighs} -Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. -Oh, gosh, no one invited us. -What? -We were forced to come here. -By who? -Lord Farquaad. -He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice. {Sighs} -All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? {Murmuring} -Oh, I do. I know where he is. -Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? -Me! Me! -Anyone? -Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! {Sighs} -Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! {Cheering} {Twittering} -Oh! You! You're comin' with me. - All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! -On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. -Hey. Oh, oh! -I can't wait to get on the road again. -What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Can I hum it? -All right, hum it. {Humming} {Grunts} {Whimpering} -That's enough. He's ready to talk. {Coughing} {Laughing} {Clears throat} -Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man! -You are a monster. -I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me!{Grunts} -I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - - -No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. -All right then. Who's hiding them? -Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? -The muffin man? -The muffin man. -Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin man. -The muffin man? -The muffin man! -She's married to the muffin man. {Door opens} -My lord! We found it. -Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. {Man grunting} {Gasping} -Oh! -Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything! -No! {Ginerbread man whispers} -Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? -Well, technically you're not a king. -Uh, Thelonius. -You were saying? -What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. -Go on. {Chuckles} -So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. -Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! -And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! -So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? -Two! Two! -Three! Three! -Two! Two! -Three! -Three? One? {Shudders} Three? --Three! Pick number three,

my lord! -Okay, okay, uh, number three! -Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. If you like pina coladas And getting caught in the rain -Princess Fiona. If you're not into yoga -She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. -I'll do it. -Yes, but after sunset - - -Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. -But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. -So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. -Uh-huh. That's the place. -Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? {Laughs} {Groans} -Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. -Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. -Hey, you! {Screams} -Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - {Whimpering} {Sighs} {Whimpering, Groans} {Turnstile clatters} {Chuckles} {Sighs} -It's quiet. Too quiet. {Creaking} -Where is everybody? -Hey, look at this! {Clattering, whirring, clicking} Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect ...... place {Camera shutter clicks {Whirring} -Wow! Let's do that again! -No. No. No, no, no! No. {Trumpet fanfare} {Crowd cheering} -Brave knights. -You are the best and brightest in all the land. -Today one of you shall prove himself - - -All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. -Sorry about that. {Cheering} -That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. {Cheering} -Let the tournament begin! {Gasps} -Oh! -What is that? {Gasping} -It's hideous! -Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. -Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him! -Get him! -Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. -Go ahead! Get him! -Can't we just settle this over a pint? -Kill the beast! -No? All right then. Come on! I don't give a damn about my reputation You're living in the past It's a new generation -Damn! {Whinnying} A girl can do what she wants to do And that's what I'm gonna do And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me -Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Never said I wanted to improve my station -Ah! {Laughs} And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun -Yeah! And I don't have to please no one -The chair! Give him the chair! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me {Bell dings} {Cheering} {Laughs} -Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! {Shrek laughs} {Crowd gasping, murmuring} -Shall I give the order, sir? -No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! -What? -Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. -Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures! {Crowd murmuring} -Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. -Exactly the way it was? -Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. -What kind of quest? -Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. -Is that about right? -Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. -I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip. -Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? -Uh, no, not really, no. -For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think. -Example? -Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions. -{Sniffs} They stink? -Yes - - No! -They make you cry? -No! -You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. -No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs} -Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. -I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes. -You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. -No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. -Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. -You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh And everything that you receive up yonder Is what you give to me the day I wander I'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? -You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close. -Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. {Rumbling} -Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. {Laughing} -Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers? -Oh, aye. -Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. -Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. -I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! -Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. -Really? -Really, really. -Okay, that makes me feel so much better. -Just keep moving. And don't look down. -Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. {Gasps} -Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway. -But I know that half is safe! -Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. -Shrek, no! Wait! -Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? -Don't do that! -Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh, this? -Yes, that! -Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. {Screams} -No, Shrek! No! Stop it! -You said do it! I'm doin' it. -I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh! -That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. -Cool. -So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? -Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. {Chuckles} -I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. {Water dripping, wind howling} -You afraid? -No. -But - - - Shh. -Oh, good. Me neither. {Gasps} -'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might

add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. {Gasps} -Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. -Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. -The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. -What makes you think she'll be there? -I read it in a book once. -Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. {Creacing} -I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it. -Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon! {Screams} {Gasps} {Roars} -Donkey, look out! {Screams} {Whimpering} -Got ya! {Roars} {Gasps} {Shouts} -Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! {Screaming} {Gasps} -Oh! Aah! Aah! {Gasping} {Crowls} -No. Oh, no, No! {Screams} -Oh, what large teeth you have. {Crowls} -I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs) -I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! {Gasps} {Whimpering} -No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! {Groans, Sighs} {Vocalizing} -Oh! Oh! -Wake up! -What? -Are you Princess Fiona? -I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. -Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! -But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? -Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. -Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. -You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? -Mm-hmm. {Screams, grunts} -But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! -I don't think so. -Can I at least know the name of my champion? -Um, Shrek. -Sir Shrek. {Cleans throat} -I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. -Thanks! {Roaring} -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's on my to-do list. Now come on! {Screams} -But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. -Yeah, right before they burst into flame. -That's not the point. Oh! -Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there. -Well, I have to save my ass. -What kind of knight are you? -One of a kind. -Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs} -I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! {Growls} {Roaring} {Gasps} -Hi, Princess! -It talks! -Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. {Screams} {Screaming} -Oh! {Thuds} {Groans} {Roars}

{Roaring} -Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. {Fchoing} -Run! {Gasping} {Screaming} {Roaring} {Screams} {Roars} {Panting, sighs} {Whimpers} {Roars} -You did it! -You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat} -And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? -I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. -The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight. -Uh, no. -Why not? -I have helmet hair. -Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer. -No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st. -But how will you kiss me? -What? That wasn't in the job description. -Maybe it's a perk. -No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. -Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? -Well, yes. {Laughing} -You think Shrek is your true love! -What is so funny? -Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay? -Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. -Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm not going to. -Take ot off. -No! -Now! -Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. -You- - You're a- - an orge. -Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. -Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge. {Sighs} -Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. -Then why didn't he come rescue me? -Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. -But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet. -So much for noble steed. -You're not making my job any easier. -I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. -Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. Put me down! -Ya comin', Donkey? -I'm right behind ya. -Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! -Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? -You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - - Hey! {Sighs} -The sooner we get to DuLoc the better. -You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! -And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? -Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. {Laughs} -I don't know. There are those who think little of him. -Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. -Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow. -Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. -But there's robbers in the woods. -Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good. -Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. -I need to find somewhere to camp now! {Birds wings fluttering} {Grunting} -Hey! Over here. -Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. -No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. -Homey touches? Like what? {Crashing} -A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. -You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. -I said good night! -Shrek, What are you doing? {Laughs} -I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding. {Fire cracking} -And, uh, that one, that's

Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. -Hey, can you tell my future from these stars? -The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. -I know you're making this up. -No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. -That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. -You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. {Sighs} -Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? -Our swamp? -You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. -We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land. -You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. -No, do ya think? -Are you hidin' something? -Never mind, Donkey. -Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? -No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Why are you blocking? -I'm not blocking. -Oh, yes, you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who you trying to keep out? -Everyone! Okay? -Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. -Oh! For the love of Pete! -What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? -Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. -You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge. -Yeah, I know. -So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? -Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying. -Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? -That's the moon. -Oh, okay. {Orchestra} {Dulcimer} -Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. -Hmph. -Ah. Perfect. {Inhales} {Snoring} {Vocalizing} {Whistling} {Sizzling} {Sniffs, yawns} -Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. --Come on, baby. I said I like it. -Donkey, wake up. -Huh? What? -Wake up. -What? -Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? -Good morning, Princess! -What's all this about? -You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. -Uh, thanks. {Sniffs} -Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. {Belches} -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs} -Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess. {Belches} -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. -{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected. -Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. {Vocalizing} -La liberte! Hey! -Princess! {Laughs} -What are you doing? -Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - - {Kissing sounds} -beast. -Hey! -That's my princess! Go find you own! -Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here? -Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are! -Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs} {Accordion} Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. I steal from the rich and give to the needy. He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels Man, I'm good What a guy, Monsieur Hood Break it down I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid What he's basically saying is he likes to get - - Paid So When an orge in the bush grabs a lady by the tush That's bad That's bad When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad He's mad He's really, really mad I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start {Grunts, Groans} {Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping} {Panting} -Man, that was annoying! -Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell} {Accordion} {Shouting, groaning} {Chuckles} -Uh, shall we? -Hold the phone. {Grunts} Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? -What? -That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that? -Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt! -What? Oh, would you look at that? -Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -Why? What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. -Donkey, I'm okay. -You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. -Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -{Both} Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of Donkey. -Ah. -Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out. -Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. -No, it's tender. -Now, hold on. -What you're doing is the opposite of help. -Don't move. -Look, time out. -Would you - - {Grunts} -Okay. What do you propose we do? -Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. -Ow! -Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! -Ow! Not good. -Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. {Grunts} -It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh! -Ahem. -Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay? -Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow! -Hey, what's that? {Nervous chickle} -That's- - Is that blood? {Sighs} {Bird chirping} {Grunts} My beloved monster and me We go everywhere together Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves Gets us through all kinds of weather -Aah! She will always be the only thing That comes between me and the awful sting That comes from living in a world that's so damn mean {Croaks} Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh -Hey! La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la {Both laughing} La-la, la-la, la-la -There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. -That's DuLoc? -Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow! -Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on. -Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey. {Blubbering} -What? -I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead. -You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? -Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. -I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch} -Ow! See? -Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. -Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. -Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? -Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style. -No kidding. Well, this is delicious. -Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. {Chuckling} {Sighs} -I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night. {Gulps} -Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it. {Chuckles} -I'd like that. {Slurps, laughs} See the pyramids along the Nile -Um, Princess? Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle -Yes, Shrek? -I, um, I was wondering. Just remember, darling all the while -Are you- - You belong to me

{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that? {Chuckles} -Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. -Sunset? -Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? -Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. -Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. {Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night. {Door creaks} -Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here. -Oh, what are you talkin' about? -I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. -You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. -Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. -I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge? -Yeah. An orge. -Hey, where you goin'? -To get... move firewood. {Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? {Wings fluttering} -Princess? {Creaking} {Gasps} -It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. {Screams} -Aah! -Oh, no! -No, help! -Shh! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -No, it's okay. It's okay. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, I'm the princess. -Aah! -It's me, in this body. -Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me? -Donkey! -Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! -No! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -Shh. -Shrek! -This is me. {Muffled mumbling} -Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different. -I'm ugly, okay? -Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No. -I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. -What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. -It's only happens when sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form." -Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's a spell. {Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. {Sobs} -All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. -But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look. -Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? -I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. -But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. -Shrek? -Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs} -I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. -I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. {Gasps} -My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. {Deep sigh} -Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. -You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. -No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know. -What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? -Promise you won't tell. Promise! -All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm

gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. -Look at my eye twitchin'. {Door opens} {Snoring} -I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring} -Shrek. Are you all right? -Perfect! Never been better. -I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you. -You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. -You heard what I said? -Every word. -I thought you'd understand. -Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah? Well, it does. {Gasps, sighs} -Ah, right on time. {Horse whinnies} -Princess, I've brought you a little something. {Fanfare} {Yawns} -What'd I miss? What'd I miss? {Muffled} -Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey. -Princess Fiona. -As promised. Now hand it over. -Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. -Take it and go before I change my mind. -Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. {Snaps fingers} -Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell. -Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings. -No, you're right. It doesn't. -Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. {Gasps} -Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? -Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! -No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. -Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! -Fare-thee-well, orge. -Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away. -Yeah? So what? -Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? -Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong! -Shrek. I heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord But you don't really care for music, do ya It goes like this the fourth, the fifth The minor fall the major lift The baffled king composing hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah Baby, I've been here before I know this room I've walked this floor I used to live alone before I knew you I've seen your flag on the marble arch But love is not a victory march It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah And all I ever learned from love Is how to shoot at someone Who outdrew you {Moaning} And it's not a cry you can hear at night It's not somebody who's seen the light It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah {Moaning} Hallelujah, hallelujah {Thumping sound} -Donkey? {Grunts} -What are you doing? -I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. -Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. -It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. -Oh! Your half. Hmm. -Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. -Back off! -No, you back off. -This is my swamp! -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go. -Stubborn jackass! -Smelly orge. -Fine! -Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. -Well, I'm through with you. -Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up

and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. -Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? -Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! -Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! -Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away! -There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. -Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else. -She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? -Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? -Donkey! -No! -Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? {Sighs} -I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's what friends are for, right? -Right. Friends? -Friends. -So, um, what did Fiona say about me? -What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? -The wedding! We'll never make it in time. -Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. {Whistles} -Donkey? -I guess it's just my animal magnetism. {Laughing} -Aw, come here, you. -All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. -Whoo! {Bells tolling} {All gasping} -People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union.... -Um- -of our new king - - -Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? {Chuckling} -Go on. -Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" -I don't have time for this! -Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You wanna hold her? -Yes. -Please her? -Yes! -Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap! -All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? -We gotta check it out. -And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see? -The whole town's in there. -I now pronounce you husband and wife, -They're at the altar. -king and queen. -Mother Fletcher! He already said it. -Oh, for the love of Pete! {Grunts} -I object! -Shrek? {Gasps} -Oh, now what does he want? -Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - - -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him. -And why not? -Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -And what do you know about true love? -Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. {Crowd laughting} -An orge and a princess! -Shrek, is this true? -Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm! -"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before. {Whimpers} {Crown gasping} -Well, uh, that explains a lot. -Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! -No, no! -Shrek! -This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? -No, let go of me! Shrek! -No! -Don't just stand there, you morons. -Get out of my way!

Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! -You'll beg for death to save you! -No, Shrek! -And as for you, my wife, -Fiona! -I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! -I'm king! {Whistles} -I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah! -Aah! -All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it. {Roars} -I'm a donkey on the edge! {Belches} -Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? {Cheering} -Go ahead, Shrek. -Uh, Fiona? -Yes, Shrek? -I - - I love you. -Really? -Really, really. - I love you too. -Aawww! -"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form." -"Take love's true form. Take love's true form." -Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right? -Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. -But you ARE beautiful. {Chuckles} -I was hoping this would be a happy ending. I thought love was only true in fairy tales Oy! Meant for someone else but not for me Love was out to get me That's the way it seemed Disappointment haunted all my dreams And then I saw her face Now I'm a believer and not a trace Of doubt in my mind I'm in love Ooh-aah I'm a believer I couldn't leave her If I tried -God bless us, every one. Come on, y'all! Then I saw her face Ha-ha Now I'm a believer Listen! Not a trace Of doubt in my mind I'm in love Ooh-aah I'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried -Ooh! -Uh! Then I saw her face Now I'm a believer Hey! Not a trace Uhh! Yeah. Of doubt in my mind -One more time! I'm in love I'm a believer Come on! I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey Y'all sing it with me! I Believe I believe People in the back! I believe I'm a believer I believe I believe I believe I believe {Hysterical laughing} -Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. -I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertion Destiny or a slight diversion Now it seems I've got my head on straight I'm a freak an apparition Seems I've made the right decision To try to turn back now it might be too late Now I want to stay home today Don't wanna go out If anyone comes to play Gonna get thrown out I wanna stay home today Don't want no company No way Yeah, yeah, yeah I wanna be a millionaire someday But know what it feels like to give it away Watch me march to the beat of my own drum And it's off to the moon and then back again Same old day Same situation My happiness rears back as if to say I wanna stay home today Don't wanna go out If anyone comes to play Gonna get thrown out I wanna stay home today Don't want no company No way Yeah, yeah, yeah I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home......... I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes My heart skips a beat Girl, I feel so alive Please tell me, baby, if all this is true 'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you Oh-oh-oh Makes me wanna dance Oh-oh-oh It's a new romance Oh-oh-oh I look into your eyes Oh-oh-oh The best years of our lives When we first met I could hardly believe The things that would happen and we could achieve So let's be together for all of our time Oh, girl, I'm so thankful that you are still mine You always consider me like an ugly duckling And treat me like a Nostradamus was why I had to get my shine on I break a little something to keep my mind on 'Cause you had my mind gone Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh Turn the lights on, Come on, baby Let's just rewind the song 'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best years All night long Oh-oh-oh Makes me wanna dance Makes me wanna dance Oh-oh-oh It's a new romance It's a new romance Oh-oh-oh I look into your eyes Oh, yeah, yeah I look into your eyes Oh-oh-oh The best years of our lives Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.............. Everything looks bright Standing in your light Everything feels right What's left is out of sight What's a girl

to do I'm telling you You're on my mind I wanna be with you 'Cause when you're standin' next to me It's like wow And all your kisses seem to set me free It's like wow And when we touch it's such a rush I can't get enough It's like- - It's like Ooh-ooh Hey, what It's like wow Ooh-ooh, hey Hey, yeah It's like wow Everything is looking right now, right now It's like wow And I got this feeling This feeling it's just like wow It's just like wow You are all I'm thinking of. Like wow Everything feels right Everything feels right Like wow Everything looks bright All my senses are right Like wow Everything feels right Baby, baby, baby the way I'm feeling you Is like wow There is something that I see In the way you look at me There's a smile There's a truth In your eyes What an unexpected way On this unexpected day Could it be This is where I belong It is you I have loved All long There's no more mystery It is finally clear to me You're the home my heart's searched for So long It is you I have loved All long Whoa, over and over I'm filled with emotion As I look Into your perfect face

i don't think you guys understand how much i've suffered

#long post

[im-just-trying-to-get-bi]

SHREK Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. (laughs) Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of - (toilet flush) Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go after the ogre. NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME MAN1 Think it's in there? MAN2 All right. Let's get it! MAN1 Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? MAN3 Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs. SHREK Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. MEN No! SHREK They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. MAN1 Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! (waves the torch at Shrek.) Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the men are in the dark. SHREK This is the part where you run away. (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.) And stay out! (looks down and picks up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and throws the paper over his shoulder.) THE NEXT DAY There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three little pigs. GUARD All right. This one's full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up! HEAD GUARD Next! GUARD (taking the witch's broom) Give me that! Your flying days are over. (breaks the broom in half) HEAD GUARD That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! GUARD Get up! Come on! HEAD GUARD Twenty pieces. LITTLE BEAR (crying) This cage is too small. DONKEY Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! OLD WOMAN Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope) DONKEY Oh! HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? GIPETTO This little wooden puppet. PINOCCHIO I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his nose grows) HEAD GUARD Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. PINOCCHIO Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me! Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up to the table. HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? OLD WOMAN Well, I've got a talking donkey. HEAD GUARD Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. OLD WOMAN Oh, go ahead, little fella. Donkey just looks up at her. HEAD GUARD Well? OLD WOMAN Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt... HEAD GUARD That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! OLD WOMAN No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. HEAD GUARD Get her out of my sight. OLD WOMAN No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled with fairy dust and he's able to fly. DONKEY Hey! I can fly! PETER PAN He can fly! 3 LITTLE PIGS He can fly! HEAD GUARD He can talk! DONKEY Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink to the ground.) He hits the ground with a thud. HEAD GUARD Seize him! (Donkey

takes of running.) After him! GUARDS He's getting away! Get him! This way! Turn! Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He quickly hides behind Shrek. HEAD GUARD You there. Ogre! SHREK Aye? HEAD GUARD By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement facility. SHREK Oh, really? You and what army? He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and begins walking back to his cottage. DONKEY Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! SHREK Are you talkin' to...(he turns around and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back around and Donkey is right in front of him.) Whoa! DONKEY Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. SHREK Oh, that's great. Really. DONKEY Man, it's good to be free. SHREK Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? DONKEY But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very loudly. DONKEY Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey continues to talk, so Shrek removes his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day. SHREK Why are you following me? DONKEY I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause I'm all alone, There's no one here beside me, My problems have all gone, There's no one to deride me, But you gotta have faith... SHREK Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. DONKEY Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. SHREK Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? DONKEY (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really tall? SHREK No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? DONKEY Nope. SHREK Really? DONKEY Really, really. SHREK Oh. DONKEY Man, I like you. What's you name? SHREK Uh, Shrek. DONKEY Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. (They come over a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.) Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? SHREK That would be my home. DONKEY Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you? SHREK I like my privacy. DONKEY You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. (awkward silence) Can I stay wit' you? SHREK Uh, what? DONKEY Can I stay wit' you, please? SHREK (sarcastically) Of course! DONKEY Really? SHREK No. DONKEY Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. (pause while he looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! SHREK Okay! Okay! But one night only. DONKEY Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage) SHREK What are you...?

(Donkey hops up onto a chair.) No! No! DONKEY This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. SHREK Oh! DONKEY Where do, uh, I sleep? SHREK (irritated) Outside! DONKEY Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's no one here beside me... SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a noise. He stands up with a huff. SHREK (to Donkey) I thought I told you to stay outside. DONKEY (from the window) I am outside. There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns and spots 3 blind mice on his table. BLIND MOUSE1 Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? BLIND MOUSE2 It's not home, but it'll do just fine. GORDO (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed. SHREK Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes and lands on his shoulder.) GORDO I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's ear) SHREK Ow! GORDO Blah! Awful stuff. BLIND MOUSE1 Is that you, Gordo? GORDO How did you know? SHREK Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are you doing in my house? (He gets bumped from behind and he drops the mice.) Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. DWARF Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. SHREK Huh? Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at him. BIG BAD WOLF What? TIME LAPSE Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging him to the front door. SHREK I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? (He opens the front door to throw the Wolf out and he sees that all the collected Fairy Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh, no. No! No! The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc. SHREK What are you doing in my swamp? (this echoes and everyone falls silent.) Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a tent. SHREK All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more dwarves run inside the house) No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. (they shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to look at Donkey) DONKEY Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. PINOCCHIO Oh, gosh, no one invited us. SHREK What? PINOCCHIO We were forced to come here. SHREK (flabbergasted) By who? LITTLE PIG Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed and he...signed an eviction notice. SHREK (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers. DONKEY Oh, I do. I know where he is. SHREK Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? DONKEY Me! Me! SHREK Anyone? DONKEY Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! SHREK (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! (Pause. Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey) You! You're comin' with me. DONKEY All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! DONKEY (singing) On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get on the road again. SHREK What did I say about singing? DONKEY Can I whistle? SHREK No. DONKEY Can I hum it? SHREK All right, hum it. Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'. DULOC - KITCHEN A

masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in. FARQUAAD That's enough. He's ready to talk. The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered. FARQUAAD (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs and plays with them) Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. GINGERBREAD MAN You are a monster. FARQUAAD I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? GINGERBREAD MAN Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's eye.) FARQUAAD I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons) GINGERBREAD MAN No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. FARQUAAD All right then. Who's hiding them? GINGERBREAD MAN Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man. FARQUAAD Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? GINGERBREAD MAN Well, she's married to the muffin man. FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man! FARQUAAD She's married to the muffin man. The door opens and the Head Guard walks in. HEAD GUARD My lord! We found it. FARQUAAD Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet. They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic Mirror. GINGERBREAD MAN (in awe) Ohhhh... FARQUAAD Magic mirror... GINGERBREAD MAN Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks him up and dumps him into a trash can with a lid.) No! FARQUAAD Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? MIRROR Well, technically you're not a king. FARQUAAD Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a hand mirror and smashes it with his fist.) You were saying? MIRROR What I mean is you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. FARQUAAD Go on. MIRROR (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows picture of Snow White) And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows picture of Princess Fiona) So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? GUARDS Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three! FARQUAAD Three? One? Three? THELONIUS Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number three, my lord! FARQUAAD Okay, okay, uh, number three! MIRROR Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go... MIRROR But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. FARQUAAD I'll do it. MIRROR Yes, but after sunset... FARQUAAD Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. (smiles evilly) DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking lot. The castle itself is about 40

stories high. DONKEY But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. SHREK So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. DONKEY Uh-huh. That's the place. SHREK Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? (He laughs, but then groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke. He continues walking through the parking lot.) DONKEY Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. MAN Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. SHREK Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad, screams and begins running through the rows of rope to get to the front gate to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins walking straight through the rows. The attendant runs into a wall and falls down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then continue on into DuLoc.) DULOC They look around but all is quiet. SHREK It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? DONKEY Hey, look at this! Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin to sing. WOODEN PEOPLE Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect place. Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture. DONKEY Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready to run over and pull the lever again) SHREK (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still) No. No. No, no, no! No. They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena. FARQUAAD Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land. Today one of you shall prove himself... As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song. SHREK All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. DONKEY Sorry about that. FARQUAAD That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. (cheers) Let the tournament begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is that? It's hideous! SHREK (turns to look at Donkey and then back at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. FARQUAAD Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have it him! MEN Get him! SHREK Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps into a table where there are mugs of beer) CROWD Go ahead! Get him! SHREK (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just settle this over a pint? CROWD Kill the beast! SHREK No? All right then. (drinks the beer) Come on! He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped. As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll. Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice to say that Shrek kicks butt. DONKEY Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd. SHREK Yeah! A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time and sees him. WOMAN The chair! Give him the chair! Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild. SHREK Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs) The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on Shrek. HEAD GUARD Shall I give

the order, sir? FARQUAAD No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! SHREK What? FARQUAAD Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. SHREK Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. FARQUAAD Your swamp? SHREK Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures! FARQUAAD Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. SHREK Exactly the way it was? FARQUAAD Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. SHREK And the squatters? FARQUAAD As good as gone. SHREK What kind of quest? Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion. DONKEY Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right? SHREK You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. DONKEY I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. SHREK Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? DONKEY Uh, no, not really, no. SHREK For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. DONKEY Example? SHREK Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. (he holds out his onion) DONKEY (sniffs the onion) They stink? SHREK Yes - - No! DONKEY They make you cry? SHREK No! DONKEY You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. SHREK No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. (he heaves a sigh and then walks off) DONKEY (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. SHREK I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. DONKEY You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. SHREK No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. DONKEY Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. SHREK You know, I think I preferred your humming. DONKEY Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem, so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out. DRAGON'S KEEP Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano. DONKEY (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything. SHREK Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We must be getting close. DONKEY Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very foreboding. SHREK Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. (laughs...then the laugh turns into a groan) DONKEY Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers? SHREK Oh, aye. DONKEY Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. SHREK Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. DONKEY You know what I mean. SHREK You can't tell

me you're afraid of heights. DONKEY No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! SHREK Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. DONKEY Really? SHREK Really, really. DONKEY Okay, that makes me feel so much better. SHREK Just keep moving. And don't look down. DONKEY Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. (he steps through a rotting board and ends up looking straight down into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! SHREK But you're already halfway. DONKEY But I know that half is safe! SHREK Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. DONKEY Shrek, no! Wait! SHREK Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? (bounces and sways the bridge) DONKEY Don't do that! SHREK Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces the bridge again) DONKEY Yes, that! SHREK Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across the bridge) DONKEY No, Shrek! No! Stop it! SHREK You said do it! I'm doin' it. DONKEY I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground) Oh! SHREK That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks towards the castle) DONKEY Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? SHREK Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. (chuckles) DONKEY I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. INSIDE THE CASTLE DONKEY You afraid? SHREK No. DONKEY But... SHREK Shh. DONKEY Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. SHREK Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. DONKEY Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. SHREK (putting on a helmet) The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. DONKEY What makes you think she'll be there? SHREK I read it in a book once. (walks off) DONKEY Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. (walks off) EMPTY ROOM Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room. DONKEY I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it. ELSEWHERE Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window. SHREK Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the... DONKEY (os) Dragon! Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again. Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon breathes fire. SHREK Donkey, look out! (he manages to get a hold of the dragons tail and holds on) Got ya! The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying on the floor. DONKEY Oh! Aah! Aah! Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small part of the bridge he's on. DONKEY No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh, what large teeth you have. (the dragon growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. (the dragon begins fluttering her eyes at him) What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon blows a smoke ring in the shape of

a heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him up with her teeth and carries him off) No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA'S ROOM Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep. Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders and shakes her away. FIONA Oh! Oh! SHREK Wake up! FIONA What? SHREK Are you Princess Fiona? FIONA I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. SHREK Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! FIONA But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? SHREK Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. FIONA Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. SHREK You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? FIONA (smiles) Mm-hmm. Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down the hallway. FIONA But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! SHREK I don't think so. FIONA Can I at least know the name of my champion? SHREK Uh, Shrek. FIONA Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds out a handkerchief) I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. SHREK Thanks! Suddenly they hear the dragon roar. FIONA (surprised)You didn't slay the dragon? SHREK It's on my to-do list. Now come on! (takes off running and drags Fiona behind him.) FIONA But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. SHREK Yeah, right before they burst into flame. FIONA That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek ignores her and heads for a wooden door off to the side.) Wait. Where are you going? The exit's over there. SHREK Well, I have to save my ass. FIONA What kind of knight are you? SHREK One of a kind. (opens the door into the throne room) DONKEY (os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs worriedly) (we see him up close and from a distance as Shrek sneaks into the room) I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head. He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him. Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her. DONKEY Hi, Princess! FIONA It talks! SHREK Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a crack in the stone and it

hits Shrek right in the groin. His eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles off and walks lightly. SHREK Oh! Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona. SHREK Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that is still around the dragons neck. SHREK (echoing) Run! They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away. FIONA (sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You did it! You rescued me! You're amazing. (behind her Donkey falls down the hill) You're - - You're wonderful. You're... (turns and sees Shrek fall down the hill and bump into Donkey) a little unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed is great, and thy heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears his throat.) And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? DONKEY I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. FIONA The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight. SHREK Uh, no. FIONA Why not? SHREK I have helmet hair. FIONA Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer. SHREK No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st. FIONA But how will you kiss me? SHREK What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the job description. DONKEY Maybe it's a perk. FIONA No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. DONKEY Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? FIONA Well, yes. Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing. DONKEY You think Shrek is your true love! FIONA What is so funny? SHREK Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona: Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. SHREK Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. FIONA Just take off the helmet. SHREK I'm not going to. FIONA Take it off. SHREK No! FIONA Now! SHREK Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. (takes off his helmet) FIONA You- - You're a- - an ogre. SHREK Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. FIONA Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre. SHREK Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. FIONA Then why didn't he come rescue me? SHREK Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. FIONA But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and his- - his pet. DONKEY Well, so much for noble steed. SHREK You're not making my job any easier. FIONA I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. SHREK Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy. (he swiftly picks her up and swings her over his shoulder like she was a sack of potatoes) FIONA You wouldn't dare. Put me down! SHREK Ya comin', Donkey? DONKEY I'm right behind ya. FIONA Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! WOODS A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just hangs there limply while Shrek carries her. DONKEY Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?

FIONA You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find your...(Shrek drops her on the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to DuLoc the better. DONKEY You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! FIONA And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? SHREK Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. (he and Donkey laugh) Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off the dust and grime. DONKEY I don't know. There are those who think little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona: Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. SHREK Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow. FIONA (looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? SHREK No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. FIONA But there's robbers in the woods. DONKEY Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting to sound good. SHREK Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. FIONA I need to find somewhere to camp now! Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her. MOUNTAIN CLIFF Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave. SHREK Hey! Over here. DONKEY Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. FIONA No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. SHREK Homey touches? Like what? (he hears a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona who has torn the bark off of a tree.) FIONA A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. (goes into the cave and puts the bark door up behind her) DONKEY You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. FIONA (os) I said good night! Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona still inside. DONKEY Shrek, What are you doing? SHREK (laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding. LATER THAT NIGHT Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations to Donkey. SHREK And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. DONKEY Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future from these stars? SHREK The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. DONKEY I know you're making this up. SHREK No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. DONKEY That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. SHREK You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. DONKEY (heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? SHREK Our swamp? DONKEY You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. SHREK We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land. DONKEY You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. SHREK No, do ya think? DONKEY Are you hidin' something? SHREK Never mind, Donkey. DONKEY Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? SHREK No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. DONKEY Why don't you want to talk about it? SHREK Why do you want to talk about it? DONKEY Why are you blocking? SHREK I'm not blocking. DONKEY Oh, yes, you are. SHREK Donkey, I'm warning you. DONKEY Who you trying to keep out? SHREK Everyone! Okay? DONKEY (pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. (grins) At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her. SHREK Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and walks over to the edge of the cliff and sits down) DONKEY What's your problem? What you got against the whole world

anyway? SHREK Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. DONKEY You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. SHREK Yeah, I know. DONKEY So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? SHREK Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying. DONKEY Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? Fiona puts the door back. SHREK That's the moon. DONKEY Oh, okay. DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic Mirror shows him Princess Fiona. FARQUAAD Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. MIRROR Hmph. The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning. FARQUAAD Ah. Perfect. Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly at her image in the mirror. MORNING Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking in his sleep. DONKEY (quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. Come on, baby. I said I like it. SHREK Donkey, wake up. (shakes him) DONKEY Huh? What? SHREK Wake up. DONKEY What? (stretches and yawns) FIONA Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? DONKEY Oh, good morning, Princess! Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them. SHREK What's all this about? FIONA You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. SHREK Uh, thanks. Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips. FIONA Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. (walks off) LATER They are once again on their way. They are walking through the forest. Shrek belches. DONKEY Shrek! SHREK What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. (laughs) DONKEY Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess. Fiona belches FIONA Thanks. DONKEY She's as nasty as you are. SHREK (chuckles) You know, you're not exactly what I expected. FIONA Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into a tree. ROBIN HOOD La liberte! Hey! SHREK Princess! FIONA (to Robin Hood) What are you doing? ROBIN HOOD Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses up her arm while Fiona pulls back in disgust)...beast. SHREK Hey! That's my princess! Go find you own! ROBIN HOOD Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here? FIONA (getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are! ROBIN HOOD Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men. (laughs) Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song. MERRY MEN Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. ROBIN HOOD I steal from the rich and give to the needy. MERRY MEN He takes a wee percentage, ROBIN HOOD But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels, man, I'm good. MERRY MEN What a guy, Monsieur Hood. ROBIN HOOD Break it down. I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid... MERRY MEN What he's basically saying is he likes to get... ROBIN HOOD Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad. MERRY MEN That's bad. ROBIN HOOD When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad. MERRY MEN He's mad, he's really, really mad. ROBIN HOOD I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start... There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and knocks Robin Hood unconscious. FIONA Man, that was annoying! Shrek looks at her in admiration. MERRY MAN Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at Fiona but she ducks out of the way) The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree. Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down, and Fiona begins walking away. FIONA Uh, shall we? SHREK Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? FIONA What? SHREK That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that? FIONA Well...(laughs) when one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a...(gasps and points) there's an arrow in your butt! SHREK What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you look at that? (he goes to pull it out but flinches because it's tender) FIONA Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. DONKEY (walking up) Why? What's wrong? FIONA Shrek's hurt. DONKEY Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. SHREK Donkey, I'm okay. DONKEY You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? FIONA Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. DONKEY Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! SHREK & FIONA Donkey! DONKEY Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. (runs off) SHREK What are the flowers for? FIONA (like it's obvious) For getting rid of Donkey. SHREK Ah. FIONA Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out. (gives the arrow a little pull) SHREK (jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and Shrek keeps dodging her hands. FIONA I'm sorry, but it has to come out. SHREK No, it's tender. FIONA Now, hold on. SHREK What you're doing is the opposite of help. FIONA Don't move. SHREK Look, time out. FIONA Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his hand over her face to stop her from getting at the arrow) Okay. What do you propose we do? ELSEWHERE Donkey is still looking for the special flower. DONKEY Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. SHREK (os) Ow! DONKEY Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a flower off a nearby bush that just happens to be a blue flower with red thorns) THE FOREST PATH SHREK Ow! Not good. FIONA Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just about... SHREK Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall over with Fiona on top of him) DONKEY Ahem. SHREK (throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - DONKEY Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay? SHREK Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he turns to look at Fiona who holds up the arrow with a smile) Ow! DONKEY Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle) That's...is that blood? Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue on their way. There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc. Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb that's on a

tree branch and runs through the field swinging it around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers. Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc. WINDMILL SHREK There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. FIONA That's DuLoc? DONKEY Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really...(Shrek steps on his hoof) Ow! SHREK Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on. FIONA Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey. SHREK What? FIONA I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. DONKEY What are you talking about? I'm fine. FIONA (kneels to look him in the eyes) That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. (pause) Dead. SHREK You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? FIONA Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. DONKEY I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, (turns his neck in a very sharp way until his head is completely sideways) Ow! See? SHREK Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. FIONA I'll get the firewood. DONKEY Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! (looks down and yelps) I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. SUNSET Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while Fiona eats. FIONA Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? SHREK Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style. FIONA No kidding. Well, this is delicious. SHREK Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weed rat stew. (chuckles) Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs. FIONA I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night. SHREK Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it. FIONA (smiles) I'd like that. They smiles at each other. SHREK Um, Princess? FIONA Yes, Shrek? SHREK I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs) Are you gonna eat that? DONKEY (chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. FIONA (jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. SHREK What? DONKEY Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? FIONA Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. DONKEY Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. Shrek sighs FIONA Good night. SHREK Good night. Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks at Shrek with a new eye. DONKEY Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here. SHREK Oh, what are you talkin' about? DONKEY I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. SHREK You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. DONKEY Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. SHREK I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - DONKEY An ogre? SHREK Yeah. An ogre. DONKEY Hey, where you goin'? SHREK To get... move firewood. (sighs) Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already is. TIME LAPSE Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is nowhere to be seen. DONKEY Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her. DONKEY It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking out. DONKEY Aah! FIONA Oh, no! DONKEY No, help! FIONA Shh! DONKEY Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA No, it's

okay. It's okay. DONKEY What did you do with the princess? FIONA Donkey, I'm the princess. DONKEY Aah! FIONA It's me, in this body. DONKEY Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to her stomach) Can you hear me? FIONA Donkey! DONKEY (still aimed at her stomach) Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! FIONA No! DONKEY Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA Shh. DONKEY Shrek! FIONA This is me. Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets down. DONKEY Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different. FIONA I'm ugly, okay? DONKEY Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - FIONA No. I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. DONKEY What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. FIONA It only happens when sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form." DONKEY Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. FIONA It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. (begins to cry) DONKEY All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. FIONA But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look. DONKEY Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? FIONA I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. DONKEY But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. FIONA Shrek? OUTSIDE Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his hand. SHREK (to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey and Fiona talking. FIONA (os) I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. Shrek steps back in shock. FIONA (os) My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks away. INSIDE FIONA Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. DONKEY You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. FIONA No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know. DONKEY What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? FIONA Promise you won't tell. Promise! DONKEY All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. (goes outside) I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'. Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back inside the windmill. MORNING Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower. FIONA I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want...(she looks and sees the rising sun, and as the sun crests the sky she turns back into a human.) Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards her. FIONA Shrek. Are you all right? SHREK Perfect! Never been better. FIONA I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you. SHREK You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. FIONA You heard what I

said? SHREK Every word. FIONA I thought you'd understand. SHREK Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" FIONA But I thought that wouldn't matter to you. SHREK Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at him in shock. He looks past her and spots a group approaching.) Ah, right on time. Princess, I've brought you a little something. Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers march by. DONKEY What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that? Couldn't have been the donkey. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona. SHREK As promised. Now hand it over. FARQUAAD Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. Take it and go before I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper) Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. FIONA Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... (Watches as Farquaad is lifted off his horse and set down in front of her. He comes to her waist.) farewell. FARQUAAD Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings. FIONA No, you're right. It doesn't. Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? FIONA Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - FARQUAAD (interrupting) Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! FIONA No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. FARQUAAD Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona on the back of his horse) FIONA Fare-thee-well, ogre. Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches them go. DONKEY Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away. SHREK Yeah? So what? DONKEY Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - SHREK I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? DONKEY Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. SHREK I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! DONKEY But I thought - - SHREK Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! (stomps off) DONKEY Shrek. Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner alone. Shrek eating dinner alone. SHREK'S HOME Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes outside to investigate. SHREK Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues with what he's doing.) What are you doing? DONKEY I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. SHREK Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. DONKEY It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. SHREK Oh! Your half. Hmm. DONKEY Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. SHREK Back off! DONKEY No, you back off. SHREK This is my swamp! DONKEY Our swamp. SHREK (grabs the tree branch Donkey is working with) Let go, Donkey! DONKEY You let go. SHREK Stubborn jackass! DONKEY Smelly ogre. SHREK Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks away) DONKEY Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. SHREK Well, I'm through with you. DONKEY Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So

you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. SHREK Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? DONKEY Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! SHREK Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! (goes into the outhouse and slams the door) DONKEY Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. SHREK (os) Go away! DONKEY There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. SHREK (os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. DONKEY She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else. SHREK (opens the door and comes out) She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? DONKEY Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? SHREK Donkey! DONKEY No! SHREK Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh) I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me? DONKEY Hey, that's what friends are for, right? SHREK Right. Friends? DONKEY Friends. SHREK So, um, what did Fiona say about me? DONKEY What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? SHREK The wedding! We'll never make it in time. DONKEY Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. (whistles) Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so they can climb on. SHREK Donkey? DONKEY I guess it's just my animal magnetism. They both laugh. SHREK Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a noogie) DONKEY All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc. DULOC - CHURCH Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there. The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'. PRIEST People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union.... FIONA (eyeing the setting sun) Um- PRIEST ...of our new king... FIONA Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? FARQUAAD (chuckles and then motions to the priest to indulge Fiona) Go on. COURTYARD Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with a boom. The guards all take off running. DONKEY (to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? (she nods and goes after the guards) Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? SHREK (at the Church door) What are you talking about? DONKEY There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" SHREK I don't have time for this! DONKEY Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? SHREK Yes. DONKEY You wanna hold her? SHREK Yes. DONKEY Please her? SHREK Yes! DONKEY (singing James Brown style) Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. (normal) The chicks love that romantic crap! SHREK All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? DONKEY We gotta check it out. INSIDE CHURCH As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see. PRIEST And so, by the power vested in me... Outside SHREK What do you see? DONKEY The whole town's in there. Inside PRIEST I now pronounce you husband and wife... Outside DONKEY They're at the altar. Inside PRIEST ...king and queen. Outside DONKEY Mother Fletcher! He already said it. SHREK Oh, for the love of Pete! He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard. INSIDE CHURCH SHREK (running toward the alter) I object! FIONA Shrek? The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek. FARQUAAD Oh, now what does he want? SHREK (to congregation as he reaches the front of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first of all. Very

clean. FIONA What are you doing here? SHREK Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding... SHREK Fiona! I need to talk to you. FIONA Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - SHREK But you can't marry him. FIONA And why not? SHREK Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king. FARQUAAD Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. SHREK He's not your true love. FIONA And what do you know about true love? SHREK Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - FARQUAAD Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. (laughs) The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The whole congregation laughs. FARQUAAD An ogre and a princess! FIONA Shrek, is this true? FARQUAAD Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! (puckers his lips and leans toward her, but she pulls back.) FIONA (looking at the setting sun) "By night one way, by day another." (to Shrek) I wanted to show you before. She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self. She gives Shrek a sheepish smile. SHREK Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona smiles) FARQUAAD Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights them. SHREK No, no! FIONA Shrek! FARQUAAD This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? FIONA No, let go of me! Shrek! SHREK No! FARQUAAD Don't just stand there, you morons. SHREK Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! FARQUAAD I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll beg for death to save you! FIONA No, Shrek! FARQUAAD (hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And as for you, my wife... SHREK Fiona! FARQUAAD I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I'm king! Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles. FARQUAAD I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon show up and the dragon leans down and eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah! DONKEY All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it. (The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on the edge! The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth and falls to the ground. DONKEY Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? The congregation cheers. DONKEY Go ahead, Shrek. SHREK Uh, Fiona? FIONA Yes, Shrek? SHREK I - - I love you. FIONA Really? SHREK Really, really. FIONA (smiles) I love you too. Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes 'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation. CONGREGATION Aawww! Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around her. WHISPERS "Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form. Take love's true form. Take love's true form." Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell and then is slowly lowered to the ground. SHREK (going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right? FIONA (standing up, she's still an ogre) Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. SHREK But you ARE beautiful. They smile at each other. DONKEY (chuckles) I was hoping this would be a happy ending. Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into... THE SWAMP ...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over singing the song. GINGERBREAD MAN God bless

us, every one. DONKEY (as he's done singing and we fade to black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. THE END

Omg

[crebby]

Shrek: "Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle, guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from the dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love and true love's first kiss." [Laughing] Like that's ever gonna happen.

[Paper Rustling, Toilet Flushes]

Shrek: What a load of--

[Toilet Door slams]

Shrek hops out his outhouse and his routine like taking a mud shower and farting in his pool.

[♪ All-Star By Smash Mouth Playing]

Steve Harwell: ♪ Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb in the shape of an "L" on her forehead. The years start comin', and they don't stop comin', fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin', didn't make sense not to live for fun. Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb. So much to do, so much to see, so what's wrong with takin' the backstreets. You'll never know if you don't go, you'll never shine if you don't glow. Hey, now, you're an all-star. Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star. Get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. It's a cool place, and they say it gets colder, you're bundled up now, but wait till you get older. But the meteor men beg to differ judging by the hole in the satellite picture. The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin, the water's getting warm so you might as well swim. My world's on fire, how 'bout yours? That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored. Hey, now, you're an all-star. ♪

[Shouting]

Steve Harwell: ♪ Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star. Get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. ♪

[Belches]

Villagers: Go! Go!

[Record Scrating]

Steve Harwell: ♪ Go. Go. Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star. Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star, get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. ♪

Villagers: Think it's in there? All right! Let's get it!

Villager 1: Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing could do to you?

Villager 2: Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread.

Shrek: [Laughs] Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres-- they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

Villager 3: No!

Shrek: They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.

Villager 3: Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

[Gasping]

Villager 3: Right.

[Roaring]

[Shouting]

[Roaring]

[Roaring Continues]

[Shouting Continues]

Shrek: [Whispers] This is the part where you run away.

[Gasping]

Shrek: [Laughs] [Laughing] And stay out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." [Sighs]

Guard 1: All right. This one's full. Take it away!

[Gasps]

Guard 2: Move it along. Come on. Get up!

Captain of the Guards: Next!

Guard 3: Give me that! Your flying days are over.

Captain of the Guards: That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next.

Guard 4: Get up!

Captain of the Guards: Twenty pieces.

Guard 5: Come on!

[Thudding]

Guard 6: Sit down there! Keep quiet!

Bear: [Crying] This cage is too small.

Donkey: Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

Old Lady: Oh, shut up!

Donkey: Oh!

Captain of the Guards: Next! What have you got?

Geppetto: This little wooden puppet.

Pinocchio: I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

Captain of the Guards: Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

Pinocchio: Father, please! Don't let them do this!

Captain of the Guards: Next.

Pinocchio: Help me!

Captain of the Guards: What have you got?

Old Lady: Well, I've got a talking donkey.

[Grunts]

Captain of the Guards: Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

Old Lady: Oh, go ahead, little fella.

Captain of the Guards: Well?

Old Lady: Oh, oh, he's just-- He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt--

Captain of the Guards: That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

Old Lady: No, no, he talks! He does. [Moves Donkey’s lips] I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

Captain of the Guards: Get her out of my sight.

Old Lady: No, no! I swear. Oh! He can talk!

Donkey: [Gasps] Hey, I can fly!

Peter Pan: He can fly!

Pigs: He can fly!

Captain of the Guards: He can talk!

Donkey: Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking, donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Uh-oh.

Captain of the Guards: Seize him!

Guard 7: After him! He's getting away!

[Grunts, Gasps]

Guard 8: Get him! This way! Turn!

Captain of the Guards: You there. Ogre!

Shrek: Aye?

Captain of the Guards: By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorized to place you both under arrest, and transport you to a designated, resettlement facility.

Shrek: Oh, really? You and what army?

[Gasps, Whimpering]

Donkey: [Chuckles] Can I say somethin' to you? Listen, you was really, really somethin' back there. Incredible!

Shrek: Are you talkin' to-- me? Whoa!

Donkey: Yes, I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you was great back there? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, then bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babies in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.

Shrek: Oh, that's great. Really.

Donkey: Man, it's good to be free.

Shrek: Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?

Donkey: But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.

[Roaring]

Donkey: Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time-- [Mumbling] Then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.

Shrek: Why are you following me?

Donkey: I'll tell you why. ♪ 'Cause I'm all alone. There's no one here beside me. My problems have all gone, there's no one to deride me. But you gotta have friends-- ♪

Shrek: Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

Donkey: Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

Shrek: Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

Donkey: Uh-- Really tall?

Shrek: No! I'm an ogre. You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?

Donkey: Nope.

Shrek: Really?

Donkey: Really, really.

Shrek: Oh.

Donkey: Man, I like you. What's your name?

Shrek: Uh, Shrek.

Donkey: Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in a place like that?

Shrek: That would be my home.

Donkey: Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

Shrek: I like my privacy.

Donkey: You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like, I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You're trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. You know. Can I stay with you?

Shrek: Uh, what?

Donkey: Can I stay with you? Please?

Shrek: Of course!

Donkey: Really?

Shrek: No.

Donkey: Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But, that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

Shrek: Okay! Okay! But one night only.

Donkey: Ah! Thank you!

Shrek: What are you-- No. No.

Donkey: This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles.

Shrek: Oh!

Donkey: Where do, uh, I sleep?

Shrek: Outside!

I wish Tumblr had character limits for asks

[shhh-go-to-sleep]

Shrek: "Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle, guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from the dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love and true love's first kiss." [Laughing] Like that's ever gonna happen.

[Paper Rustling, Toilet Flushes]

Shrek: What a load of--

[Toilet Door slams]

Shrek hops out his outhouse and his routine like taking a mud shower and farting in his pool.

[♪ All-Star By Smash Mouth Playing]

Steve Harwell: ♪ Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb in the shape of an "L" on her forehead. The years start comin', and they don't stop comin', fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin', didn't make sense not to live for fun. Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb. So much to do, so much to see, so what's wrong with takin' the backstreets. You'll never know if you don't go, you'll never shine if you don't glow. Hey, now, you're an all-star. Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star. Get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. It's a cool place, and they say it gets colder, you're bundled up now, but wait till you get older. But the meteor men beg to differ judging by the hole in the satellite picture. The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin, the water's getting warm so you might as well swim. My world's on fire, how 'bout yours? That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored. Hey, now, you're an all-star. ♪

[Shouting]

Steve Harwell: ♪ Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star. Get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. ♪

[Belches]

Villagers: Go! Go!

[Record Scrating]

Steve Harwell: ♪ Go. Go. Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star. Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star, get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. ♪

Villagers: Think it's in there? All right! Let's get it!

Villager 1: Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing could do to you?

Villager 2: Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread.

Shrek: [Laughs] Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres-- they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

Villager 3: No!

Shrek: They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.

Villager 3: Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

[Gasping]

Villager 3: Right.

[Roaring]

[Shouting]

[Roaring]

[Roaring Continues]

[Shouting Continues]

Shrek: [Whispers] This is the part where you run away.

[Gasping]

Shrek: [Laughs] [Laughing] And stay out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." [Sighs]

Guard 1: All right. This one's full. Take it away!

[Gasps]

Guard 2: Move it along. Come on. Get up!

Captain of the Guards: Next!

Guard 3: Give me that! Your flying days are over.

Captain of the Guards: That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next.

Guard 4: Get up!

Captain of the Guards: Twenty pieces.

Guard 5: Come on!

[Thudding]

Guard 6: Sit down there! Keep quiet!

Bear: [Crying] This cage is too small.

Donkey: Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

Old Lady: Oh, shut up!

Donkey: Oh!

Captain of the Guards: Next! What have you got?

Geppetto: This little wooden puppet.

Pinocchio: I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

Captain of the Guards: Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

Pinocchio: Father, please! Don't let them do this!

Captain of the Guards: Next.

Pinocchio: Help me!

Captain of the Guards: What have you got?

Old Lady: Well, I've got a talking donkey.

[Grunts]

Captain of the Guards: Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

Old Lady: Oh, go ahead, little fella.

Captain of the Guards: Well?

Old Lady: Oh, oh, he's just-- He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt--

Captain of the Guards: That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

Old Lady: No, no, he talks! He does. [Moves Donkey’s lips] I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

Captain of the Guards: Get her out of my sight.

Old Lady: No, no! I swear. Oh! He can talk!

Donkey: [Gasps] Hey, I can fly!

Peter Pan: He can fly!

Pigs: He can fly!

Captain of the Guards: He can talk!

Donkey: Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking, donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Uh-oh.

Captain of the Guards: Seize him!

Guard 7: After him! He's getting away!

[Grunts, Gasps]

Guard 8: Get him! This way! Turn!

Captain of the Guards: You there. Ogre!

Shrek: Aye?

Captain of the Guards: By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorized to place you both under arrest, and transport you to a designated, resettlement facility.

Shrek: Oh, really? You and what army?

[Gasps, Whimpering]

Donkey: [Chuckles] Can I say somethin' to you? Listen, you was really, really somethin' back there. Incredible!

Shrek: Are you talkin' to-- me? Whoa!

Donkey: Yes, I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you was great back there? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, then bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babies in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.

Shrek: Oh, that's great. Really.

Donkey: Man, it's good to be free.

Shrek: Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?

Donkey: But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.

[Roaring]

Donkey: Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time-- [Mumbling] Then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.

Shrek: Why are you following me?

Donkey: I'll tell you why. ♪ 'Cause I'm all alone. There's no one here beside me. My problems have all gone, there's no one to deride me. But you gotta have friends-- ♪

Shrek: Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

Donkey: Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

Shrek: Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

Donkey: Uh-- Really tall?

Shrek: No! I'm an ogre. You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?

Donkey: Nope.

Shrek: Really?

Donkey: Really, really.

Shrek: Oh.

Donkey: Man, I like you. What's your name?

Shrek: Uh, Shrek.

Donkey: Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in a place like that?

Shrek: That would be my home.

Donkey: Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

Shrek: I like my privacy.

Donkey: You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like, I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You're trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. You know. Can I stay with you?

Shrek: Uh, what?

Donkey: Can I stay with you? Please?

Shrek: Of course!

Donkey: Really?

Shrek: No.

Donkey: Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But, that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

Shrek: Okay! Okay! But one night only.

Donkey: Ah! Thank you!

Shrek: What are you-- No. No.

Donkey: This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles.

Shrek: Oh!

Donkey: Where do, uh, I sleep?

Shrek: Outside!

Donkey: Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, I guess outside is best. [Sniffles] Here I go. Good night. [Sighs] I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself. Outside, I guess. You know. By myself. Outside. ♪ I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me. ♪

[Bubbling]

[Sighs]

[Creaking]

Shrek: [Sighs] I thought I told you to stay outside?

Donkey: I am outside.

[Clattering]

[Clattering]

Mouse 1: Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have?

Mouse 2: It's not home, but it'll do just fine.

Gorder: What a lovely bed.

Shrek: Got ya.

Gorder: [Sniffs] I found some cheese.

Shrek: Ow! [Grunts]

Gorder: Blah! Awful stuff.

Mouse 1: Is that you, Gorder?

Gorder: How did you know?

Shrek: Enough! What are you doing in my house? [Grunts] Hey!

[Snickers]

Shrek: Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

Dwarf: Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

Shrek: Huh? [Gasps]

Wolf: What?

Shrek: I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do to get a little privacy?

Wolf: Aah!

Shrek: Oh, no. No! No! Oh, no.

[Cackling]

[Cackling Continues]

Shrek: What?

Girl: Quit it. Don't push.

[Squeaking]

[Lows]

Shrek: What are you doing in my swamp? [Echoing] Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

[Gasping]

Shrek: All right, get out of here. All of you, move it. Come on. Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

[Sighs]

Donkey: Hey, don’t look at me. I didn't invite them.

Pinocchio: Gosh, no one invited us.

Shrek: What?

Pinocchio: We were forced to come here.

Shrek: By who?

Pig: Lord Farquaad. He huffed und he puffed und he singed an eviction notice.

Shrek: [Sighs] All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is.

[Murmuring]

Donkey: Oh, I do. I know where he is.

Shrek: Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? Anyone?

Donkey: Me! Me! Oh! Oh! Pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

Shrek: Okay, fine. Attention, all Fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now, and get you all off my land and back where you came from!

[Cheering]

[Twittering]

[Cheering Continues]

Shrek: Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

Donkey: All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind, big-city adventure. I love it! ♪ On the road again. ♪ Sing it with me, Shrek. ♪ I can't wait to get in the road again. ♪

Shrek: What did I say about singing?

Donkey: Can I whistle?

Shrek: No.

Donkey: Can I hum it?

Shrek: All right. Hum it.

♪♪ [Humming]

[Gurgling]

[Coughing]

Farquaad: That's enough! He's ready to talk.

[Coughing]

Farquaad: [Laughing] [Clears Throat] Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!

Gingy: You're a monster.

Farquaad: I'm not the monster here, you are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now tell me, where are the others?

Gingy: Eat me!

[Spits]

Farquaad: I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me, or I'll--

Gingy: No! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!

Farquaad: All right, then. Who's hiding them?

Gingy: Okay. I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

Farquaad: The muffin man?

Gingy: The muffin man.

Farquaad: Yes. I know the muffin man. Who lives on Drury Lane?

Gingy: Well, she's married to the muffin man.

Farquaad: The muffin man?

Gingy: The muffin man!

Farquaad: She's married to the muffin man.

[Door Opens]

Captain of the Guards: My lord! We found it.

Farquaad: Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

[Man Grunting]

[Gasping]

Gingy: Oh.

Farquaad: Magic Mirror.

Gingy: Don't tell him anything! No!

Farquaad: Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of all?

Mirror: Well, technically you're not a king.

Farquaad: Uh, Thelonius. You were saying

Mirror: What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.

Farquaad: Go on.

Mirror: [Chuckles] So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome, Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! And last, but certainly not the least, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead, from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But, don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! So will it be, bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two, or bachelorette number three?

Guards: Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!

Farquaad: Three? One? [Shudders] Three?

Thelonius: Three! Pick number three, my lord!

Farquaad: Okay, okay, uh, Number three!

Mirror: Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.

[♪ Escape By Rupert Holmes Playing]

Rupert Holmes: ♪ If you like piña coladas. And getting caught in the rain. ♪

Farquaad: Princess Fiona.

Rupert Holmes: ♪ If you're not into yoga. ♪

Farquaad: She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go--

Mirror: But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

Farquaad: I'll do it.

Mirror: Yes, but after sunset.

Farquaad: Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.

Donkey: But that's it. That's it right there. That's Duloc. I told ya I'd find it.

Shrek: So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

Donkey: Uh-huh. That's the place.

Shrek: Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? [Laughs]

Donkey: [Groans] Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

Man: Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

Shrek: Hey, you!

[Screams]

Shrek: Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat ya. I just-- I just--

[Whimpering]

[Sighs]

[Whimpering, Groans]

[Turnstile Clatters]

[Chuckles]

[Sighs]

♪♪ [Instrumental Music]

Shrek: It's quiet. Too quiet.

[Creaking]

Shrek: Where is everybody?

Donkey: Hey, look at this!

[Clattering, Whirring, Clicking]

[Clicking]

[Clicking Quickens]

Clockwork Chorus: ♪ Welcome to Duloc such a perfect town. Here was have some rules, let us lay them down. Don't make waves, stay in line and we'll get along fine, Duloc is a perfect place. Please keep off of the grass, shine your shoes, wipe your... face. Duloc is, Duloc is, Duloc is a perfect place! ♪

[Camera Shutter Clicks]

Bestie..- 😀

[localvoidcat]

:)

Shrek: "Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle, guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from the dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love and true love's first kiss." [Laughing] Like that's ever gonna happen.[Paper Rustling, Toilet Flushes]Shrek: What a load of--[Toilet Door slams]Shrek hops out his outhouse and his routine like taking a mud shower and farting in his pool.[♪ All-Star By Smash Mouth Playing]Steve Harwell: ♪ Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb in the shape of an "L" on her forehead. The years start comin', and they don't stop comin', fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin', didn't make sense not to live for fun. Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb. So much to do, so much to see, so what's wrong with takin' the backstreets. You'll never know if you don't go, you'll never shine if you don't glow. Hey, now, you're an all-star. Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star. Get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. It's a cool place, and they say it gets colder, you're bundled up now, but wait till you get older. But the meteor men beg to differ judging by the hole in the satellite picture. The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin, the water's getting warm so you might as well swim. My world's on fire, how 'bout yours? That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored. Hey, now, you're an all-star. ♪[Shouting]Steve Harwell: ♪ Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star. Get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. ♪[Belches]Villagers: Go! Go![Record Scrating]Steve Harwell: ♪ Go. Go. Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star. Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star, get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. ♪Villagers: Think it's in there? All right! Let's get it!Villager 1: Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing could do to you?Villager 2: Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread.Shrek: [Laughs] Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres-- they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.Villager 3: No!Shrek: They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.Villager 3: Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya![Gasping]Villager 3: Right.[Roaring][Shouting][Roaring][Roaring Continues][Shouting Continues]Shrek: [Whispers] This is the part where you run away.[Gasping]Shrek: [Laughs] [Laughing] And stay out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." [Sighs]Guard 1: All right. This one's full. Take it away![Gasps]Guard 2: Move it along. Come on. Get up!Captain of the Guards: Next!Guard 3: Give me that! Your flying days are over.Captain of the Guards: That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next.Guard 4: Get up!Captain of the Guards: Twenty pieces.Guard 5: Come on![Thudding]Guard 6: Sit down there! Keep quiet!Bear: [Crying] This cage is too small.Donkey: Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance!Old Lady: Oh, shut up!Donkey: Oh!Captain of the Guards: Next! What have you got?Geppetto: This little wooden puppet.Pinocchio: I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.Captain of the Guards: Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.Pinocchio: Father, please! Don't let them do this!Captain of the Guards: Next.Pinocchio: Help me!Captain of the Guards: What have you got?Old Lady: Well, I've got a talking donkey.[Grunts]Captain of the Guards: Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.Old Lady: Oh, go ahead, little fella.Captain of the Guards: Well?Old Lady: Oh, oh, he's just-- He's just a little

nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt--Captain of the Guards: That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!Old Lady: No, no, he talks! He does. [Moves Donkey’s lips] I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.Captain of the Guards: Get her out of my sight.Old Lady: No, no! I swear. Oh! He can talk!Donkey: [Gasps] Hey, I can fly!Peter Pan: He can fly!Pigs: He can fly!Captain of the Guards: He can talk!Donkey: Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking, donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Uh-oh.Captain of the Guards: Seize him!Guard 7: After him! He's getting away![Grunts, Gasps]Guard 8: Get him! This way! Turn!Captain of the Guards: You there. Ogre!Shrek: Aye?Captain of the Guards: By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorized to place you both under arrest, and transport you to a designated, resettlement facility.Shrek: Oh, really? You and what army?[Gasps, Whimpering]Donkey: [Chuckles] Can I say somethin' to you? Listen, you was really, really somethin' back there. Incredible!Shrek: Are you talkin' to-- me? Whoa!Donkey: Yes, I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you was great back there? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, then bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babies in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.Shrek: Oh, that's great. Really.Donkey: Man, it's good to be free.Shrek: Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?Donkey: But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.[Roaring]Donkey: Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time-- [Mumbling] Then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.Shrek: Why are you following me?Donkey: I'll tell you why. ♪ 'Cause I'm all alone. There's no one here beside me. My problems have all gone, there's no one to deride me. But you gotta have friends-- ♪Shrek: Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.Donkey: Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.Shrek: Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?Donkey: Uh-- Really tall?Shrek: No! I'm an ogre. You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?Donkey: Nope.Shrek: Really?Donkey: Really, really.Shrek: Oh.Donkey: Man, I like you. What's your name?Shrek: Uh, Shrek.Donkey: Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in a place like that?Shrek: That would be my home.Donkey: Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you?Shrek: I like my privacy.Donkey: You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like, I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You're trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. You know? Can I stay with you?Shrek: Uh, what?Donkey: Can I stay with you? Please?Shrek: Of course!Donkey: Really?Shrek: No.Donkey: Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But, that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!Shrek: Okay! Okay! But one night only.Donkey: Ah! Thank you!Shrek: What are you-- No. No.Donkey: This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles.Shrek: Oh!Donkey: Where do,

uh, I sleep?Shrek: Outside!Donkey: Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, I guess outside is best. [Sniffles] Here I go. Good night. [Sighs] I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself. Outside, I guess. You know. By myself. Outside. ♪ I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me. ♪[Bubbling][Sighs][Creaking]Shrek: [Sighs] I thought I told you to stay outside?Donkey: I am outside.[Clattering][Clattering]Mouse 1: Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have?Mouse 2: It's not home, but it'll do just fine.Gorder: What a lovely bed.Shrek: Got ya.Gorder: [Sniffs] I found some cheese.Shrek: Ow! [Grunts]Gorder: Blah! Awful stuff.Mouse 1: Is that you, Gorder?Gorder: How did you know?Shrek: Enough! What are you doing in my house? [Grunts] Hey![Snickers]Shrek: Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.Dwarf: Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.Shrek: Huh? [Gasps]Wolf: What?Shrek: I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do to get a little privacy?Wolf: Aah!Shrek: Oh, no. No! No! Oh, no.[Cackling][Cackling Continues]Shrek: What?Girl: Quit it. Don't push.[Squeaking][Lows]Shrek: What are you doing in my swamp? [Echoing] Swamp? Swamp? Swamp?[Gasping]Fairies: Oh, dear!Dwarf: Whoa!Shrek: All right, get out of here. All of you, move it. Come on. Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!Dwarf: Quickly. Come on!Shrek: No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.Dwarf: Oh![Sighs]Donkey: Hey, don’t look at me. I didn't invite them.Pinocchio: Oh, gosh, no one invited us.Shrek: What?Pinocchio: We were forced to come here.Shrek: By who?Pig: Lord Farquaad. He huffed und he puffed und he... singed an eviction notice.Shrek: [Sighs] All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is.[Murmuring]Donkey: Oh, I do. I know where he is.Shrek: Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?Donkey: Me! Me!Shrek: Anyone?Donkey: Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!Shrek: Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now, and get you all off my land and back where you came from![Cheering][Twittering][Cheering Continues]Shrek: Oh! You! You're comin' with me.Donkey: All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! ♪ On the road again. ♪ Sing it with me, Shrek.Dwarf: Hey. Oh, oh!Donkey: ♪ I can't wait to get in the road again. ♪Shrek: What did I say about singing?Donkey: Can I whistle?Shrek: No.Donkey: Can I hum it?Shrek: All right, hum it.♪♪ [Humming][Gurgling][Coughing]Farquaad: That's enough! He's ready to talk.[Coughing]Farquaad: [Laughing] [Clears Throat] Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!Gingy: You're a monster.Farquaad: I'm not the monster here, you are! You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now tell me, where are the others!?Gingy: Eat me![Spits]Farquaad: I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me, or I'll--Gingy: No! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!Farquaad: All right, then. Who's hiding them?Gingy: Okay. I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?Farquaad: The muffin man?Gingy: The muffin man.Farquaad: Yes. I know the muffin man. Who lives on Drury Lane?Gingy: Well, she's married to the muffin man.Farquaad: The muffin man?Gingy: The muffin man!Farquaad: She's married to the muffin man.[Door Opens]Captain of the Guards: My lord! We found it.Farquaad: Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.[Man Grunting][Gasping]Gingy: Oh!Farquaad: Magic Mirror.Gingy: Don't tell him anything! No!Farquaad: Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of all?Mirror: Well, technically you're not a king.Farquaad: Uh, Thelonius. You were saying?Mirror: What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.Farquaad: Go

on.Mirror: [Chuckles] So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! And last, but certainly not the least, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead, from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But, don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! So will it be, bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?Guards: Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!Farquaad: Three? One? [Shudders] Three?Thelonius: Three! Pick number three, my lord!Farquaad: Okay, okay, uh, number three!Mirror: Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.[♪ Escape By Rupert Holmes Playing]Rupert Holmes: ♪ If you like piña coladas. And getting caught in the rain. ♪Farquaad: Princess Fiona.Rupert Holmes: ♪ If you're not into yoga. ♪Farquaad: She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go--Mirror: But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.Farquaad: I'll do it.Mirror: Yes, but after sunset.Farquaad: Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.Donkey: But that's it. That's it right there. That's Duloc. I told ya I'd find it.Shrek: So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.Donkey: Uh-huh. That's the place.Shrek: Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? [Laughs]Donkey: [Groans] Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.Man: Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.Shrek: Hey, you![Screams]Shrek: Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat ya. I just-- I just--[Whimpering][Sighs][Whimpering, Groans][Turnstile Clatters][Chuckles][Sighs]♪♪ [Instrumental Music]Shrek: It's quiet. Too quiet.[Creaking]Shrek: Where is everybody?Donkey: Hey, look at this![Clattering, Whirring, Clicking][Clicking][Clicking Quickens]Clockwork Chorus: ♪ Welcome to Duloc such a perfect town. Here was have some rules, let us lay them down. Don't make waves, stay in line and we'll get along fine, Duloc is a perfect place. Please keep off of the grass, shine your shoes, wipe your... face. Duloc is, Duloc is, Duloc is a perfect place! ♪[Camera Shutter Clicks][Whirring]Donkey: Wow! Let's do that again!Shrek: No. No. No, no, no! No.[Trumpet Fanfare][Crowd Cheering]Farquaad: Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land.[Donkey Humming]Farquaad: Today one of you shall prove himself--Shrek: All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.Donkey: Sorry about that.[Cheering]Farquaad: That champion shall have the honor-- no, no-- the privilege, to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona, from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place, and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.[Cheering]Farquaad: Let the tournament begin![Gasps]Knight 1: Oh!Farquaad: What is that?[Gasping]Farquaad: It's hideous!Shrek: Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.Donkey: Huh?Farquaad: Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have at him!Knight 2: Get him!Shrek: Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.Woman: Go ahead! Get him!Shrek: Can't we just settle this over a pint?Knight 3: Kill the beast!Shrek: No? All right then. Come on![♪ Bad Reputation By Joan Jett Playing]Halfcocked: ♪ I don't give a damn about my reputation. You're living in the past, it's a new generation. ♪Knight 4: Damn![Whinnying]Halfcocked: ♪ A girl can do

what she wants to do, and that's what I'm gonna do. And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me. Me, me, me. ♪Donkey: Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!Halfcocked: ♪ And I don't give a damn about my reputation. Never said I wanted to improve my station. ♪Shrek: Ah! [Laughs]Halfcocked: ♪ And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun. ♪Shrek: Yeah!Halfcocked: ♪ And I don't have to please no one. ♪Wrestling Fan: The chair! Give him the chair!Halfcocked: ♪ And I don't give a damn about my reputation. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me. Me, me, me. Oh, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me. Not me. ♪[Bell Dings][Cheering]Shrek: [Laughs] Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha![Shrek Laughs][Crowd Gasping, Murmuring]Guard 9: Shall I give the order, sir?Farquaad: No, I have a better idea. People of Duloc! I give you our champion!Shrek: What?Farquaad: Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.Shrek: Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp back.Farquaad: Your swamp?Shrek: Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures![Crowd Murmuring]Farquaad: Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.Shrek: Exactly the way it was?Farquaad: Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.Shrek: And the squatters?Farquaad: As good as gone.Shrek: What kind of quest?Donkey: Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon, and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp, which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right?Shrek: You know what? Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.Donkey: I don't get it, Shrek. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip.Shrek: Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village, and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?Donkey: Uh, no, not really, no.Shrek: For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.Donkey: Example?Shrek: Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions.Donkey: [Sniffs] They stink?Shrek: Yes-- No!Donkey: They make you cry?Shrek: No!Donkey: You leave them out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.Shrek: No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. [Sighs]Donkey: Oh, you both have layers. Oh. [Sniffs] You know, not everybody likes onions. Cakes! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.Shrek: I don't care what everyone likes. Ogres. Are not. Like cakes.Donkey: You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Hey, let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.Shrek: No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.Donkey: Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole dang planet.Shrek: You know, I think preferred your humming.Donkey: Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering.[♪ I'm On My Way By The Proclaimers Playing]The Proclaimers: ♪ I'm on my way from misery to happiness today. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. And everything that you receive up yonder is what you give to me the day I wander, I'm on my way. I'm on my way. I'm on my way. ♪Donkey: Ooh! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything.Shrek: Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. [Sniffs] It's brimstone. We must be getting close.Donkey: Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

either.[Rumbling]Shrek: Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. [Laughing]Donkey: Shrek? Remember when you said ogres have layers?Shrek: Oh, aye.Donkey: Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.Shrek: Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.Donkey: You know what I mean.Shrek: You can't tell me you're afraid of heights?Donkey: No, I'm just a little uncomfortable being on a rickety over a boiling lake of lava!Shrek: Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay. For emotional support. We'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.Donkey: Really?Shrek: Really, really.Donkey: Okay, that makes me feel so much better.Shrek: Just keep moving. And don't look down.Donkey: Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. [Gasps] Shrek! I'm lookin' down! God, I can't do this! Just let me off right now. Please.Shrek: But you're already halfway.Donkey: But I know that half is safe!Shrek: Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.Donkey: Shrek, no! Wait!Shrek: Donkey-- Let's have a dance then, shall we?Donkey: Don't do that!Shrek: Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this?Donkey: Yes, that!Shrek: This? This, do it. Okay.Donkey: [Screams] No, Shrek! No! Stop it!Shrek: You said do it. I'm doin' it.Donkey: I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!Shrek: That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.Donkey: Cool. So, where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?Shrek: Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.Donkey: [Chuckles] I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.[Water Dripping][Wind Howling]Donkey: [Donkey Whispering] You afraid?Shrek: No, but-- Shh.Donkey: Oh, good. Me neither. [Gasps] 'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared, you know what I mean. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. [Gasps]Shrek: Donkey, two things, okay? Shut... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.Donkey: Stairs? I thought I was lookin' for the princess.Shrek: The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.Donkey: What makes it you think she'll be there?Shrek: I read it in a book once.Donkey: Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.[Creaking]Donkey: I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here, right here. I'd step all over it.Shrek: Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the--?Donkey: Dragon! [Screams] [Gasps][Roars]Shrek: Donkey, look out! [Screams][Screams][Whimpering]Shrek: Got ya![Roars][Gasps]Shrek: [Shouts] Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! [Screaming]Donkey: [Gasps] Oh! Aah! Aah! [Gasping][Growls]Donkey: No. Oh, no. No! [Screams] Oh, what large teeth you have.[Growls]Donkey: I mean, I mean, white sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're-- You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. 'Cause, you're just reeking a feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ooh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but, you know, I'm, uh-- [Coughs] I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings and stuff. Shrek! [Gasps] [Whimpering] No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek![Groans, Sighs]♪♪ [Chorus Vocalizing]♪♪ [Vocalizing Continues]♪♪ [Vocalizing Continues]Fiona: Oh! Oh!Shrek in Armor: Wake up!Fiona: What?Shrek in Armor: Are you Princess Fiona?Fiona: I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.Shrek in Armor: Oh, that's nice. Now, let's go!Fiona: But,

wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?Shrek in Amror: Yeah. Sorry, lady. There's no time.Fiona: Hey, wait. What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet, out yonder window, and down a rope onto your valiant steed.Shrek in Armor: You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?Fiona: Mm-hmm. [Screams, Grunts] But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!Shrek in Armor: I don't think so.Fiona: Can I at least know the name of my champion?Shrek: Um, Shrek.Fiona: Sir Shrek. [Clears Throat] I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.Shrek in Armor: Thanks.[Roaring]Fiona: You didn't slay the dragon?Shrek in Armor: It's on my to-do list. Now, come on!Fiona: [Screams] But this isn't right! You’re meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying! That's what all the other knights did!Shrek in Armor: Yeah, right before they burst into flame!Fiona: You know, that's not the point! Oh! Wait. Where are you going? The exit's over there.Shrek in Armor: Well, I have to save my ass.Fiona: What kind of knight are you?Shrek in Armor: One of the kind.Donkey: Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. [Laughs] I don't to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this-- Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude-- Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or maybe his pen pals. 'Cause I'm the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards, and-- I'd really love to stay, but-- Hey, hey, hey! Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal ail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission to-- Wait. What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no! No! Oh![Growls][Roars][Roaring][Gasps]Donkey: Hi, Princess!Fiona: It talks!Shrek in Armor: Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick!Donkey: Shrek! [Screams] [Screaming]Shrek: Oh![Thuds][Groans][Shrek Groans][Roars][Roars][Roaring][Roars]Shrek in Armor: Okay, you two! Head for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. [Echoing] Run![Gasping][Screaming][Screams][Roars][Panting, Sighs][Whimpers][Roars][Roars, Whimpers][Dragon Growling In The Distance]Fiona: You did it! You rescued me! You're amazing. You're-- You're wonderful. You're... A little unorthodox, I'll admit. But thy deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.[Clears Throat]Fiona: And where would be a brave knight be without his noble steed?Donkey: All right, I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a noble steed.Fiona: [Fiona Laughs] The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.Shrek in Armor: Uh, no.Fiona: Why not?Shrek: I have helmet hair.Fiona: Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.Shrek in Armor: No, no, you wouldn't'st.Fiona: But, how will you kiss me?Shrek in Armor: What? That job wasn't in the job description.Donkey: Maybe it's a perk.Fiona: No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon, is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.Donkey: Hmm? With Shrek? You think-- Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is your true love?Fiona: Well, yes.[Laughing][Laughing]Donkey: You think Shrek is your true love!Fiona: What is so funny?Shrek in Armor: Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona: Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now-- Now remove your helmet.Shrek in Amror: Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.Fiona: Just take off the helmet.Shrek in Amror: I'm not going to.Fiona: Take it off.Shrek in Amror: No!Fiona: Now!Shrek in Armor: Okay! Easy. As you command, Your Highness.Fiona: You-- You're-- an ogre.Shrek: Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.Fiona: Well, yes,

actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre.Shrek: Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay. He's the one who wants to marry you.Fiona: Then why didn't he come to rescue me?Shrek: Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.Fiona: But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some ogre and his pet.Donkey: So much for noble steed.Shrek: You're not making my job any easier.Fiona: I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.Shrek: Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.Fiona: You wouldn't dare. Put me down!Shrek: Ya comin', Donkey?Donkey: I'm right behind ya.Fiona: Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! [Screams]Donkey: Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right? But you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?Fiona: You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find your-- Hey! [Sighs] The sooner we get to Duloc the better.Donkey: Oh, yeah. You're gonna love it there, Princess? It's beautiful!Fiona: And my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?Shrek: Well, let me put this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's standards are in short supply. [Laughs]Donkey: I don't know, Shrek. There are those who think little of him.[Both Laughing]Fiona: Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.Shrek: Maybe. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.Fiona: Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?Shrek: No, that'll take longer.Fiona: But there's robbers in the woods.Donkey: Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping is definitely startin' to sound good.Shrek: Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.Fiona: I need to find somewhere to camp now![Bird Wings Fluttering]Shrek: [Grunting] Hey! Over here.Donkey: Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.Fiona: No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.Shrek: Homey touches? Like what?[Crashing]Fiona: A door. Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.Donkey: You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.Fiona: I said, good night!Donkey: Shrek, what are you doing?Shrek: [Laughs] I just-- You know-- Oh, come on. I was just kidding.[Fire Crackling]Shrek: And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields.Donkey: Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?Shrek: The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.Donkey: I know you're making this up.Shrek: No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.Donkey: Man, that ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.Shrek: Sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.Donkey: [Sighs] Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?Shrek: Our swamp?Donkey: You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.Shrek: We? Donkey, there is no "we." There's no "our." There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land.Donkey: You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.Shrek: No. Do ya think?Donkey: Are you hidin' something?Shrek: Never mind, Donkey.Donkey: Oh! This is another one of those onion things, isn't it?Shrek: No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it-alone things.Donkey: Why don't you want to talk about it?Shrek: Why do you always want to?Donkey: Why are you blocking?Shrek: I'm not blocking.Donkey: Yes, you are.Shrek: Donkey, I'm warning you.Donkey: Who you trying to keep out?Shrek: Everyone! Okay?Donkey: Now we're gettin' somewhere.Shrek: Oh! For

the love of Pete!Donkey: What's your problem? What you got against the whole world?Shrek: Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go, "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" [Sighs] They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.Donkey: You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre.Shrek: Yeah, I know.Donkey: So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?Shrek: Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.Donkey: Okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?Shrek: That's the moon.Donkey: Oh, okay.♪♪ [Orchestra]♪♪ [Dulcimer]Farquaad: Again. Show me again.[Music Stops, Rewinds]Farquaad: Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.Mirror: Hmph.[Rewinds, Resumes]Farquaad: Ah. Perfect. [Inhales][Snoring]♪♪ [Vocalizing]♪♪ [Vocalizing Continues]♪♪ [Whistling]♪♪ [Whistling Continues]♪♪ [Vocalizes]♪♪ [Whistles]♪♪ [Vocalizes]♪♪ [Whistles]♪♪ [Vocalizing]♪♪ [Whistling]♪♪ [Vocalizing, High-pitched]♪♪ [Whistling, High-pitched]♪♪ [Continues][Sizzling][Sniffs, Yawns]Shrek: Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.Donkey: Come on, baby. I said I like it.Shrek: Donkey, wake up.Donkey: Huh? What?Shrek: Wake up.Donkey: What?Fiona: Good morning. How do you like your eggs?Donkey: Good morning, Princess!Shrek: What's all this about?Fiona: We kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. After all, you did rescue me.Shrek: Uh, thanks.[Sniffs]Fiona: Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.[Belches]Donkey: Shrek!Shrek: What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. [Laughs]Donkey: Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.[Belches]Fiona: Thanks.Donkey: She's as nasty as you are.Shrek: [Laughs] You know, you're not exactly what I expected.Fiona: Maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. [Vocalizing]Monsieur Hood: La liberte! Hey!Shrek: Princess?[Laughs]Fiona: What are you doing?Monsieur Hood: Be still, cherie, for I am your savior! And I am rescuing you from this green [Kissing Sounds] beast.Shrek: Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own!Monsieur Hood: Please, monsters! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?Fiona: Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are!Monsieur Hood: Oh! Of course! How rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men! [Laughs]♪♪ [Accordion]Merry Men: ♪ Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo! ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ I steal from the rich and give to the needy. ♪Man: ♪ He takes a wee percentage. ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels. Man, I'm good. ♪Merry Men: ♪ What a guy, Monsieur Hood! ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ Break it down. I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid. ♪Merry Men: ♪ What he's basically saying is he likes to get-- ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ Paid. ♪Merry Men: ♪ So. ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush, that's bad. ♪Merry Men: ♪ That's bad. ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad. ♪Merry Men: ♪ He's mad. He's really, really mad. ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart. Keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start! ♪[Tarzan Yell][Grunts, Groans][Karate Yell][Merry Men Gasping]Fiona: [Panting] Man, that was annoying!Man: Oh, you little--[Karate Yell]♪♪ [Accordion][Tarzan woman yell][Shouting, Groaning][Tarzan woman yells about 3 times][Groaning]Fiona: [Chuckles] Um, shall we?Shrek: Hold the phone.[Grunts]Shrek: Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?Fiona: What?Shrek: That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?Fiona: Well-- [Chuckles] When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a-- There's an arrow in your butt!Shrek: What? Oh, would you look at that?Fiona: Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.Donkey: Why? What's wrong?Fiona: Shrek's hurt.Donkey: Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.Shrek: Donkey, I'm okay.Donkey: Oh, you can't do this to me. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your

legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?Fiona: Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.Donkey: Blue flower, red thorns. Okay. I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die, Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!Shrek: Donkey!Donkey: Okay, okay. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns.Shrek: What are the flowers for?Fiona: For getting rid of Donkey.Shrek: Ah.Fiona: Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.Shrek: Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.Fiona: I'm sorry, but it has to come out.Shrek: No, it's tender. Now, hold on. What you're doing is the opposite of help.Fiona: Don't move.Shrek: Look, time out.Fiona: Would you-- [Grunts] Okay. What do you propose we do?Donkey: Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.Shrek: Ow!Donkey: Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!Shrek: Ow! Not good.Fiona: Okay. Okay, I can nearly see the head.[Grunts]Fiona: It's just about--Shrek: Ow! Ohh!Donkey: Ahem.Shrek: Nothing happened. We were just, uh--Donkey: Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was as, okay.Shrek: Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind! The princess here was just-- Ugh! Ow!Donkey: Hey, what's that? [Nervous Chuckle] That's-- Is that blood? [Sighs][Bird Chirping][♪ My Beloved Monster By Eels Playing][Grunts]Eels: ♪ My beloved monster and me. We go everywhere together. Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves, gets us through all kinds of weather. ♪Donkey: Aah!Eels: ♪ She will always be the only thing. That comes between me and the awful sting. That comes from living in the world that's so damn mean. ♪[Croaks]Eels: ♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh. ♪Fiona: Hey!Eels: ♪ La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la. ♪[Both Laughing]Eels: La-la, la-la, la-la.Shrek: There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.Fiona: That's Duloc?Donkey: Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really-- Ow!Shrek: Um, I, uh-- I guess we better move one.Fiona: Sure. But, Shrek? I'm-- I'm worried about Donkey.[Blubbering]Shrek: What?Fiona: I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.Donkey: What are you talking about? I'm fine.Fiona: That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.Shrek: You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?Fiona: I'll make you some tea.Donkey: I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look. [Bones Crunch] Ow! See?Shrek: Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.Fiona: I'll get the firewood.Donkey: Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.Fiona: Mmm. Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?Shrek: Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.Fiona: No kidding.Shrek: Well, this is delicious. Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. [Chuckling]Donkey: [Sighs] I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.Shrek: [Gulps] Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare-- you name it.Fiona: [Chuckles] I'd like that.[Slurps, Laughs]Donkey: ♪ See the pyramids along the Nile. ♪Shrek: Um, Princess?Donkey: ♪ Watch the sunrise from a tropical isle. ♪Fiona: Yes, Shrek?Shrek: I, um, I was wondering.Donkey: ♪ Just remember, darling all the while. ♪Shrek: Are you--Donkey: You belong to me.Shrek: [Sighs] Are you gonna eat that?[Chuckles]Donkey: Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.Fiona: Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.Shrek: What?Donkey: Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?Fiona: Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.Donkey: Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until-- Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid

of the dark.[Shrek Sighs]Fiona: Good night.Shrek: Good night.[Door Creaks]Donkey: Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.Shrek: Oh, what are you talkin' about?Donkey: I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. I know two were diggin' in each other. I could feel it.Shrek: You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.Donkey: Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.Shrek: I-- There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know-- and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't-- she's a princess, and I'm--Donkey: An ogre?Shrek: Yeah. An ogre.Donkey: Hey, where you goin'?Shrek: To get... more firewood. [Sighs]Donkey: Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?[Wings Fluttering]Donkey: Princess?[Creaking]Donkey: [Gasps] It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.[Screams]Donkey: Aah!Fiona: Oh, no!Donkey: No, help!Fiona: Shh!Donkey: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!Fiona: No, it's okay. It's okay.Donkey: What did you do with the princess?Fiona: Donkey, I'm the princess.Donkey: Aah!Fiona: It's me, in this body.Donkey: Oh, my God! You ate the princess! Can you hear me?Fiona: Donkey!Donkey: Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!Fiona: No!Donkey: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!Fiona: Shh.Donkey: Shrek!Fiona: This is me.Donkey: [Muffled Mumbling] Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.Fiona I'm ugly, okay?Donkey: Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now--Fiona: No. I-- I've been this way as long as I can remember.Donkey: What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.Fiona: It only happens when the sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm, until you find true love's first kiss, and then take love's true form."Donkey: Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.Fiona: It's a spell. [Sighs] When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the sun sets and he sees me, like this. [Sobs]Donkey: All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.Fiona: But, Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.Donkey: Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?Fiona: I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.Donkey: But, you know, um, you're kind of an ogre, and Shrek-- well, you got a lot in common.Fiona: Shrek?Shrek: Princess, I-- Uh, how's going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and-- well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd-- uh, uh-- [Sighs] I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.Fiona: I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who could ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.[Deep Sigh]Fiona: Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.Donkey: You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.Fiona: No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.Donkey: What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?Fiona: Promise you won't tell. Promise!Donkey: All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'.[Door Opens][Snoring]Fiona: I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want--[Snoring]Fiona: Shrek. Are you all right?Shrek: Perfect! Never been better.Fiona: I-- I don't-- There's

something I have to tell you.Shrek: You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.Fiona: You heard what I said?Shrek: Every word.Fiona: I thought you'd understand.Shrek: Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?"Fiona: But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.Shrek: Yeah? Well, it does.[Gasps, Sighs]Shrek: Ah, right on time.[Horse Whinnies]Shrek: Princess, I've brought you a little something.♪♪ [Fanfare]Donkey: [Yawns] What'd I miss? What'd I miss? [Muffled] Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.Farquaad: Princess Fiona.Shrek: As promised. Now hand it over.Farquaad: Very well, ogre. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, ad agreed. Take it and go before I change my mind. Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have ever seen such a radiant beauty before. I am Lord Farquaad.Fiona: Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying, a short, farewell.Farquaad: That's so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings.Fiona: No, you're right. It doesn't.Farquaad: Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.[Gasps]Farquaad: Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?Fiona: Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make.Farquaad: Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!Fiona: No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.Farquaad: Oh, anxious, are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!Fiona: Fare-thee-well, ogre.Donkey: Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.Shrek: Yeah? So what?Donkey: Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night. She's--Shrek: I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?Donkey: Shrek, I-- I wanna go with you.Shrek: I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!Donkey: But I thought--Shrek: Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong!Donkey: Shrek.[♪ Hallelujah By John Cale Playing]John Cale: ♪ I heard there was a secret chord, that David played, and it pleased the Lord. But you don't really care for music, do ya? It goes like this the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall the major lift. The baffled king composing hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. Baby, I've been here before, I know this room I've walked this floor, I used to live alone before I knew you. I've seen your flag on the marble arch, but love is not a victory march. It's a cold and it's broken hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. And all I ever learned from love is how to shoot at someone who outdrew you. ♪[Moaning]John Cale: ♪ And it's not a cry you can hear at night, it's not somebody who's seen the light. It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah. ♪[Moaning]John Cale: ♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. ♪[Thumping Sound]Shrek: Donkey?[Grunts]Shrek: What are you doing?Donkey: I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.Shrek: Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.Donkey: It is. Around your half. See, that's your half, and this is my half.Shrek: Oh! Your half. Hmm.Donkey: Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.Shrek: Back off!Donkey: No, you back off.Shrek: This is my swamp!Donkey: Our swamp.Shrek: Let go, Donkey!Donkey: You let go.Shrek: Stubborn jackass!Donkey: Smelly ogre.Shrek: Fine!Donkey: Hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.Shrek: Well, I'm through with you.Donkey: Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me

and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.Shrek: Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?Donkey: Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!Shrek: Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you, for stabbin' me in the back!Donkey: Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.Shrek: Go away!Donkey: There you are, doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.Shrek: Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking.Donkey: She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.Shrek: She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?Donkey: Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?Shrek: Donkey!Donkey: No!Shrek: Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?Donkey: Hmph.Shrek: [Sighs] I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?Donkey: Hey, that's what friends are for, right?Shrek: Right. Friends?Donkey: Friends.Shrek: So, um, what did Fiona say about me?Donkey: What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?Shrek: The wedding! We'll never make it in time.Donkey: Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where there's a will, there's a way, and I have a way. [Whistles]Shrek: Donkey?[Donkey Laughing]Donkey: I guess it's just an animal magnetism.Shrek: [Laughing] Aw, come here, you.Donkey: All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. [Donkey Laughing] Whoo![Bells Tolling][All Gasping]Bishop: People of Duloc, we gather here today, to bear witness, to the union...Fiona: Um-- of our now king--Bishop: Excuse me.Fiona: Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?Farquaad: [Chuckling] Go on.Donkey: Go ahead, have some fun. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?Shrek: What are you talking about?Donkey: There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"Shrek: I don't have time for this!Donkey: Wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?Shrek: Yes.Donkey: You wanna hold her?Shrek: Yes.Donkey: Please her?Shrek: Yes!Donkey: ♪ Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. ♪ The chicks love that romantic crap!Shrek: All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?Donkey: We gotta check it out.[Donkey Grunting]Bishop: And so, by the power vested in me...Shrek: What do you see?Donkey: The whole town's in there.Bishop: ...I now pronounce you husband and wife...Donkey: They're at the altar.Bishop: ...king and queen.Donkey: Mother Fletcher! He already said it.Shrek: Oh, for the love of Pete![Grunts]Shrek: I object!Fiona: Shrek?[Gasps]Farquaad: Oh, now what does he want?[Crowd Clamoring]Shrek: Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean.Fiona: What are you doing here?Farquaad: Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding--Shrek: Fiona! I need to talk to you.Fiona: Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me--Shrek: But you can't marry him.Fiona: And why not?Shrek: Because-- Because he's just marrying you so he can be king.Farquaad: Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.Shrek: He's not your true love.Fiona: And what do you know about true love?Shrek: Well, I-- Uh-- I mean--Farquaad: Oh, this is precious. [Chuckling] The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.[Crowd Laughing]Farquaad: An ogre and a princess! [Laughing Continues]Fiona: Shrek, is this true?Farquaad: Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmm!Fiona: "By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.[Whimpers][Crowd Gasping]Shrek: Well, uh, that explains a

lot.Farquaad: Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!Fiona: No, no! Shrek!Farquaad: This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?Fiona: No, let go of me, Shrek!Shrek: No!Farquaad: Don't just stand there, you morons.Shrek: Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!Farquaad: I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll beg for death to save you!Fiona: No! Shrek!Farquaad: And as for you, my wife,Shrek: Fiona!Farquaad: I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I am king![Whistles]Farquaad: I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have-- Aaah! Aah!Donkey: All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.[Dragon Roars]Donkey: I'm a donkey on the edge![Belches]Donkey: [Donkey Laughs] Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?[Cheering]Donkey: Go ahead, Shrek.Shrek: Uh, Fiona?Fiona: Yes, Shrek?Shrek: I-- I love you.Fiona: Really?Shrek: Really, really.Fiona: I love you too.All: Aawww!Fiona: "Until you find true love's first kiss, and then take love's true form." [Echoing] [Echoing Continues] "Take love's true from. Take love's true form."Shrek: Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?Fiona: Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.Shrek: But you are beautiful.[Chuckles]Donkey: I was hoping would be a happy ending.[♪ I'm A Believer By Smash Mouth Playing]Steve Harwell: ♪ I thought love was only true in fairy tales. ♪All: Oy!Steve Harwell: ♪ Meant for someone else but not for me. Love was out to get me, that's the way it seemed, disappointment haunted all my dreams. And then I saw her face. Now I'm a believer. And not a trace. Of doubt in my mind. I'm in love. ♪Choir: ♪ Ohh-ahh. ♪Steve Harwell: ♪ I'm a believer I couldn't leaver her if I tried. ♪Gingy: God bless us, every one.Donkey: Come on, y'all! ♪ Then I saw her face. ♪ Ha-ha! ♪ Now I'm a believer. ♪ Listen! Not a trace. ♪ Of doubt in my mind. I'm in love. Ooh-ahh. I'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried. ♪Mice: Ooh! Uh!Donkey: ♪ Then I saw her face! Now I'm a believer! Hey! Not a trace. Uhh! Yeah. Of doubt in my mind. One more time! I'm in love. I'm a believer. Come on! I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey! Y'all sing it with me! I believe! I believe! People in the back! I believe! ♪Smash Mouth: ♪ I'm a believer. ♪Donkey: ♪ I believe. I believe. I believe! ♪ [Hysterical Laughing] Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

#long post

[askmerriauthor]

Rampant spoilers for the anime "Super Cub" after the jump, for those of you who want to avoid such. As much as it should be obvious, below are my personal opinions and what I experienced in watching the show, so YMMV.

I've had a few days to mull over my thoughts on the whole matter since that initial kneejerk post (ie, ramble at my ever-patient roommate about stuff she barely tolerates). My thoughts have come to the conclusion that I'm more annoyed with the writers' direction than the protag Koguma herself. As I thought back on it, I felt as though Koguma suddenly went rather out-of-character for how she'd been depicted thus far shortly after the introduction of Shii. It felt as though Shii took on the role that Koguma had previously filled while Koguma became more like Reiko, which is two Reikos too many if you ask me.

From the get-go I was all rooting for Koguma. She was a very sympathetic character dealt a brutally raw deal, and I was keen on seeing her finally get a break. The show did a great job of highlighting those moments of sedate depression and momentary surges of happiness that covered her day-to-day life. Given how much I outright hated Reiko (seriously, this girl is an inconsiderate pain in the ass), having her around made Koguma all the more likeable. Doubly so when Koguma started calling out Reiko on her bullshit as they settled into an old-married-couple sort of dynamic. Reiko is like some kind of weird inversion of the Manic Pixie Dream Girl trope, where all her antics are just self-indulgent rather than a mere plot device to fix the protag's life. While she undeniably has a positive influence on Koguma's life and the two make a good pair, I can't shake my constant annoyance with how selfish Reiko is. Koguma was a hard counter to Reiko and it made their interactions a lot more fun.

So then we have the introduction of Shii: the purest of cinnamon rolls. Shortly after Shii's arrival into the story, Koguma suddenly started acting more like Reiko. Both Cub-riders acted aloof and superior because of their Cubs (normally it was just Reiko doing that, but Koguma started too), Shii was constantly being left behind, and despite her efforts to be their friend they just blew her off whenever they pleased. I started to get that sinking feeling when Koguma and Reiko visited Shii's family cafe when they stuck around just long enough to have a free cup of coffee, then immediately bailed and ditched Shii when the urge to do something with their bikes came up, leaving Shii confused that they weren't going to stick around and visit any longer. That struck me as this sort of "wow, they're being extremely rude and taking her for granted..." kind of moment. And it just kept happening! I get that we only see glimpses of the overall progression of time throughout the girls' year and there were surely plenty of off-screen visits where they actually hung out together. But all we as the audience get to see were these highlight moments that made Koguma and Reiko seem like lousy friends just taking advantage of Shii's kindness.

Things really came to a head in the pivotal winter episode, since that one rang weird against everything building up to it prior. The writing had made a big to do for a good three episodes prior about how winter is a major problem and dangerous, especially for bike riders. The Cub-riders spent that entire time worrying about it and taking precautions to protect themselves from the cold. Then, in the spirit of having a good time, promptly went and frolicked about in the snow on their Cubs while discarding all their protective gear down to t-shirts (because falling off your bike at high-speeds is just good fun, apparently?). Which didn't do any favors toward the whole "not being good friends to Shii" when Shii voiced disappointment on them not even thinking to invite her at all. Then, later on in the episode when Shii crashes into the river, Koguma is massively foolhardy and channeling the full force of the Honda marketing team with the idiotic "My Super Cub is coming to the rescue" bullshit. Friend potentially injured and suffering hypothermia after being stuck in an ice-cold river in the middle of winter for hours? Just strap her to the front of the Super Cub like Mad Max: Fury Road! Wind chill by driving at high-speeds in the middle of the night in winter isn't a problem to someone who's already soaking wet and chilled to the core, right? Call an ambulance? The police? Her parents? Nah. Who needs that? We have "THE SUPER CUB". I mean, seriously, Koguma couldn't have at least ditched her storage bin off the back of the bike and let Shii actually sit on the bike to hold onto her, or given the freezing, injured tiny girl her winter coat to try and protect her, or do anything beyond the bare minimum to show some level of emotional concern and willingness to sacrifice for her supposed friend?

It's an outright miracle/convenience of the plot that Shii didn't suffer massive consequences as a result of her accident and Koguma's foolishness. After the fact, while Shii is recovering at Koguma's apartment, neither Koguma nor Reiko show the least bit of concern for her even when she has an outright emotional breakdown; hell, Reiko's selfishness is on full display throughout, both toward Koguma and Shii regardless. Reiko actually has the poor taste to celebrate the whole mess when Shii's parents give the girls free food for a year out of gratitude for saving their daughter! Then afterward, when the girls go on their Spring-seeking road trip, it wasn't even framed as a way to try and ease Shii's trauma from her experience but just as something they wanted to do because they were sick of the winter interfering with their ability to ride their Cubs as much as they pleased. By the final episode, when Koguma's inner monologue echoes the sentiment she'd voiced throughout - that she has no family, no friends, no hobbies or goals - I was expecting the obvious change in her acknowledging that, yes, she now did have at least some of those things. In that scene she was literally riding alongside her new friends on their Cubs, which certainly qualified as a hobby. But, nope! She reiterated that her situation hadn't changed at all, but that it was okay because she had her beloved Super Cub to give her life some meaning, and any improvements she experienced were solely due to it.

It just... it all left a really bad taste in my mouth. I get that the anime was ostensibly a big Honda commercial at its core, sure, but it really felt like the writing sacrificed the quality of both characters and story for the sake of pushing how amazing their bikes are. Koguma herself shifted from being a no-nonsense, methodical sort of person to being reckless and callous like Reiko, then stopped being an actual character and just a vehicle - pun always intended - for talking up the Super Cub. The last time Koguma felt like Koguma, to me, was right when Shii was introduced and she wanted to try and help out using their bikes to solve a problem, which she never would have/could have done prior. The overall shift away from Koguma's core and into some kind of semi-Reiko/overt Honda shill got ridiculous and frankly really annoying for me.

#super cub #anime #spoilers #all this said I would really like to see some kind of crossover with Laid Back Camp #Apparently Super Cub also takes place in the same universe as Non Non Biyori and that's adorable

[an-itzy-bitzy-boi]

In case you thought I cared about myself

SHREK                         Once upon a time there was a lovely                         princess. But she had an enchantment                         upon her of a fearful sort which could                         only be broken by love's first kiss.                         She was locked away in a castle guarded                         by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.                         Many brave knights had attempted to                         free her from this dreadful prison,                         but non prevailed. She waited in the                         dragon's keep in the highest room of                         the tallest tower for her true love                         and true love's first kiss. (laughs)                         Like that's ever gonna happen. What                         a load of - (toilet flush)               Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his               day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go               after the ogre.               NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME                                     MAN1                         Think it's in there?                                     MAN2                         All right. Let's get it!                                     MAN1                         Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that                         thing can do to you?                                     MAN3                         Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's                         bread.               Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.                                     SHREK                         Yes, well, actually, that would be a                         giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse.                         They'll make a suit from your freshly                         peeled skin.                                     MEN                         No!                                     SHREK                         They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the                         jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's                         quite good on toast.                                     MAN1                         Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!                         (waves the torch at Shrek.)               Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The               men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long               and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the               men are in the dark.                                     SHREK                         This is the part where you run away.                         (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.)                         And stay out! (looks down and picks                         up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted.                         Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and                         throws the paper over his shoulder.)                                       THE NEXT DAY               There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard               sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures               to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line               are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto               who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three               little pigs.                                     GUARD                         All right. This one's full. Take it                         away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!                                                             HEAD GUARD                         Next!                                     GUARD                         (taking the witch's broom) Give me that!                         Your flying days are over. (breaks the                         broom in half)                                     HEAD GUARD                         That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch.                         Next!                                     GUARD                         Get up! Come on!                                     HEAD GUARD                         Twenty pieces.                                     LITTLE BEAR                         (crying) This cage is too small.                                     DONKEY                         Please, don't turn me in. I'll never                         be stubborn again. I can change. Please!                         Give me another chance!                                     OLD WOMAN                         Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)                                     DONKEY                         Oh!                                     HEAD GUARD                         Next! What have you got?                                     GIPETTO                         This little wooden puppet.                                     PINOCCHIO                         I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his                         nose grows)                                     HEAD GUARD                         Five shillings for the possessed toy.                         Take it away.                                     PINOCCHIO                         Father, please! Don't let them do this!                         Help me!               Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up               to the table.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Next! What have you got?                                     OLD WOMAN                         Well, I've got a talking donkey.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings,                         if you can prove it.                                     OLD WOMAN                         Oh, go ahead, little fella.               Donkey just looks up at her.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Well?                                     OLD WOMAN                         Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little                         nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox.                         Talk, you boneheaded dolt...                                     HEAD GUARD                         That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!                                                             OLD WOMAN                         No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends                         to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to                         talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing                         you ever saw.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Get her out of my sight.                                     OLD WOMAN                         No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!               The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One               of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's               hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled               with fairy dust and he's able to fly.                                     DONKEY                         Hey! I can fly!                                     PETER PAN                         He can fly!                                     3 LITTLE PIGS                         He can fly!                                     HEAD GUARD                         He can talk!                                     DONKEY                         Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm                         a flying, talking donkey. You might                         have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly                         but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey                         fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins                         to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink                         to the ground.)               He hits the ground with a thud.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.)                         After him!                                     GUARDS                         He's getting away! Get him! This way!                         Turn!               Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally.               Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared               for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He               quickly hides behind Shrek.                                     HEAD GUARD                         You there. Ogre!                                     SHREK                         Aye?                                     HEAD GUARD                         By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized                         to place you both under arrest and transport                         you to a designated resettlement facility.                                                             SHREK                         Oh, really? You and what army?               He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well               and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail               and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and               begins walking back to his cottage.                                     DONKEY                         Can I say something to you? Listen,                         you was really, really, really somethin'                         back here. Incredible!                                     SHREK                         Are you talkin' to...(he turns around                         and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back                         around and Donkey is right in front                         of him.) Whoa!                                     DONKEY                         Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell                         you that you that you was great back                         here? Those guards! They thought they                         was all of that. Then you showed up,                         and bam! They was trippin' over themselves                         like babes in the woods. That really                         made me feel good to see that.                                     SHREK                         Oh, that's great. Really.                                     DONKEY                         Man, it's good to be free.                                     SHREK                         Now, why don't you go celebrate your                         freedom with your own friends? Hmm?                                                             DONKEY                         But, uh, I don't have any friends. And                         I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey,                         wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll                         stick with you. You're mean, green,                         fightin' machine. Together we'll scare                         the spit out of anybody that crosses                         us.               Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very               loudly.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you                         don't mind me sayin', if that don't                         work, your breath certainly will get                         the job done, 'cause you definitely                         need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause                         you breath stinks! You almost burned                         the hair outta my nose, just like the                         time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey                         continues to talk, so Shrek removes                         his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten                         berries. I had strong gases leaking                         out of my butt that day.                                     SHREK                         Why are you following me?                                     DONKEY                         I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause                         I'm all alone, There's no one here beside                         me, My problems have all gone, There's                         no one to deride me, But you gotta have                         faith...                                     SHREK                         Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't                         have any friends.                                     DONKEY                         Wow. Only a true friend would be that                         cruelly honest.                                     SHREK                         Listen, little donkey. Take a look at                         me. What am I?                                     DONKEY                         (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really                         tall?                                     SHREK                         No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your                         torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that                         bother you?                                     DONKEY                         Nope.                                     SHREK                         Really?                                     DONKEY                         Really, really.                                     SHREK                         Oh.                                     DONKEY                         Man, I like you. What's you name?                                     SHREK                         Uh, Shrek.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek? Well, you know what I like about                         you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me                         thing. I like that. I respect that,                         Shrek. You all right. (They come over                         a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.)                         Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live                         in place like that?                                     SHREK                         That would be my home.                                     DONKEY                         Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful.                         You know you are quite a decorator.                         It's amazing what you've done with such                         a modest budget. I like that boulder.                         That is a nice boulder. I guess you                         don't entertain much, do you?                                     SHREK                         I like my privacy.                                     DONKEY                         You know, I do too. That's another thing                         we have in common. Like I hate it when                         you got somebody in your face. You've                         trying to give them a hint, and they                         won't leave. There's that awkward silence.                         (awkward silence) Can I stay with you?                                                             SHREK                         Uh, what?                                     DONKEY                         Can I stay with you, please?                                     SHREK                         (sarcastically) Of course!                                     DONKEY                         Really?                                     SHREK                         No.                                     DONKEY                         Please! I don't wanna go back there!                         You don't know what it's like to be                         considered a freak. (pause while he                         looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do.                         But that's why we gotta stick together.                         You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!                                                             SHREK                         Okay! Okay! But one night only.                                     DONKEY                         Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage)                                                             SHREK                         What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto                         a chair.) No! No!                                     DONKEY                         This is gonna be fun! We can stay up                         late, swappin' manly stories, and in                         the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.                                     SHREK                         Oh!                                     DONKEY                         Where do, uh, I sleep?                                     SHREK                         (irritated) Outside!                                     DONKEY                         Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean,                         I don't know you, and you don't know                         me, so I guess outside is best, you                         know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek                         slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do                         like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was                         born outside. I'll just be sitting by                         myself outside, I guess, you know. By                         myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's                         no one here beside me...               SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT               Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights               a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a               noise. He stands up with a huff.                                     SHREK                         (to Donkey) I thought I told you to                         stay outside.                                     DONKEY                         (from the window) I am outside.               There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that               made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns               and spots 3 blind mice on his table.                                     BLIND MOUSE1                         Well, gents, it's a far cry from the                         farm, but what choice do we have?                                                             BLIND MOUSE2                         It's not home, but it'll do just fine.                                                             GORDO                         (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.                                                             SHREK                         Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes                         and lands on his shoulder.)                                     GORDO                         I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's                         ear)                                     SHREK                         Ow!                                     GORDO                         Blah! Awful stuff.                                     BLIND MOUSE1                         Is that you, Gordo?                                     GORDO                         How did you know?                                     SHREK                         Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are                         you doing in my house? (He gets bumped                         from behind and he drops the mice.)                         Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves                         with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no,                         no, no. Dead broad off the table.                                                             DWARF                         Where are we supposed to put her? The                         bed's taken.                                     SHREK                         Huh?               Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain.               The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at               him.                                     BIG BAD WOLF                         What?               TIME LAPSE               Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging               him to the front door.                                     SHREK                         I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm                         a terrifying ogre! What do I have to                         do get a little privacy? (He opens the                         front door to throw the Wolf out and                         he sees that all the collected Fairy                         Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh,                         no. No! No!               The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his               pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing               flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc.                                                   SHREK                         What are you doing in my swamp? (this                         echoes and everyone falls silent.)                                       Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a               tent.                                     SHREK                         All right, get out of here. All of you,                         move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya!                         Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more                         dwarves run inside the house) No, no!                         No, no. Not there. Not there. (they                         shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to                         look at Donkey)                                     DONKEY                         Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite                         them.                                     PINOCCHIO                         Oh, gosh, no one invited us.                                     SHREK                         What?                                     PINOCCHIO                         We were forced to come here.                                     SHREK                         (flabbergasted) By who?                                     LITTLE PIG                         Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed                         and he...signed an eviction notice.                                                             SHREK                         (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where                         this Farquaad guy is?               Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, I do. I know where he is.                                     SHREK                         Does anyone else know where to find                         him? Anyone at all?                                     DONKEY                         Me! Me!                                     SHREK                         Anyone?                                     DONKEY                         Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know!                         Me, me!                                     SHREK                         (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy                         tale things. Do not get comfortable.                         Your welcome is officially worn out.                         In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad                         right now and get you all off my land                         and back where you came from! (Pause.                         Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey)                         You! You're comin' with me.                                     DONKEY                         All right, that's what I like to hear,                         man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart                         friends, off on a whirlwind big-city                         adventure. I love it!                                     DONKEY                         (singing) On the road again. Sing it                         with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get                         on the road again.                                     SHREK                         What did I say about singing?                                     DONKEY                         Can I whistle?                                     SHREK                         No.                                     DONKEY                         Can I hum it?                                     SHREK                         All right, hum it.               Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.               DULOC - KITCHEN               A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually               dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in.                                     FARQUAAD                         That's enough. He's ready to talk.                                       The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down               onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the               table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes               up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.                                                   FARQUAAD                         (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs                         and plays with them) Run, run, run,                         as fast as you can. You can't catch                         me. I'm the gingerbread man.                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         You are a monster.                                     FARQUAAD                         I'm not the monster here. You are. You                         and the rest of that fairy tale trash,                         poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell                         me! Where are the others?                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's                         eye.)                                     FARQUAAD                         I've tried to be fair to you creatures.                         Now my patience has reached its end!                         Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to                         pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons)                                                             GINGERBREAD MAN                         No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop                         buttons.                                     FARQUAAD                         All right then. Who's hiding them?                                                             GINGERBREAD MAN                         Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the                         muffin man?                                     FARQUAAD                         The muffin man?                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         The muffin man.                                     FARQUAAD                         Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives                         on Drury Lane?                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         Well, she's married to the muffin man.                                                             FARQUAAD                         The muffin man?                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         The muffin man!                                     FARQUAAD                         She's married to the muffin man.               The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.                                     HEAD GUARD                         My lord! We found it.                                     FARQUAAD                         Then what are you waiting for? Bring                         it in.               More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet.               They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic               Mirror.                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         (in awe) Ohhhh...                                     FARQUAAD                         Magic mirror...                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks                         him up and dumps him into a trash can                         with a lid.) No!                                     FARQUAAD                         Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall.                         Is this not the most perfect kingdom                         of them all?                                     MIRROR                         Well, technically you're not a king.                                                             FARQUAAD                         Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a                         hand mirror and smashes it with his                         fist.) You were saying?                                     MIRROR                         What I mean is you're not a king yet.                         But you can become one. All you have                         to do is marry a princess.                                     FARQUAAD                         Go on.                                     MIRROR                         (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back                         and relax, my lord, because it's time                         for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes.                         And here they are! Bachelorette number                         one is a mentally abused shut-in from                         a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi                         and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies                         include cooking and cleaning for her                         two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.                         (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette                         number two is a cape-wearing girl from                         the land of fancy. Although she lives                         with seven other men, she's not easy.                         Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and                         find out what a live wire she is. Come                         on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows                         picture of Snow White) And last, but                         certainly not last, bachelorette number                         three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded                         castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!                         But don't let that cool you off. She's                         a loaded pistol who likes pina colads                         and getting caught in the rain. Yours                         for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows                         picture of Princess Fiona) So will it                         be bachelorette number one, bachelorette                         number two or bachelorette number three?                                                             GUARDS                         Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!                                                             FARQUAAD                         Three? One? Three?                                     THELONIUS                         Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number                         three, my lord!                                     FARQUAAD                         Okay, okay, uh, number three!                                     MIRROR                         Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess                         Fiona.                                     FARQUAAD                         Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I                         have to do is just find someone who                         can go...                                     MIRROR                         But I probably should mention the little                         thing that happens at night.                                     FARQUAAD                         I'll do it.                                     MIRROR                         Yes, but after sunset...                                     FARQUAAD                         Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona                         my queen, and DuLoc will finally have                         the perfect king! Captain, assemble                         your finest men. We're going to have                         a tournament. (smiles evilly)               DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section               Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking               lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.                                     DONKEY                         But that's it. That's it right there.                         That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.                                                             SHREK                         So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.                                                             DONKEY                         Uh-huh. That's the place.                                     SHREK                         Do you think maybe he's compensating                         for something? (He laughs, but then                         groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke.                         He continues walking through the parking                         lot.)                                     DONKEY                         Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.                                     MAN                         Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.                                                             SHREK                         Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing                         a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad,                         screams and begins running through the                         rows of rope to get to the front gate                         to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second.                         Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just                         - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins                         walking straight through the rows. The                         attendant runs into a wall and falls                         down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then                         continue on into DuLoc.)               DULOC               They look around but all is quiet.                                     SHREK                         It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?                                                             DONKEY                         Hey, look at this!               Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box               marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors               open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin               to sing.                                     WOODEN PEOPLE                         Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town                                       Here we have some rules               Let us lay them down               Don't make waves, stay in line               And we'll get along fine               DuLoc is perfect place               Please keep off of the grass               Shine your shoes, wipe your... face               DuLoc is, DuLoc is               DuLoc is perfect place.               Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture.                                     DONKEY                         Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready                         to run over and pull the lever again)                                                             SHREK                         (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still)                         No. No. No, no, no! No.               They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.                                     FARQUAAD                         Brave knights. You are the best and                         brightest in all the land. Today one                         of you shall prove himself...               As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena               Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song.                                     SHREK                         All right. You're going the right way                         for a smacked bottom.                                     DONKEY                         Sorry about that.                                     FARQUAAD                         That champion shall have the honor -                         - no, no - - the privilege to go forth                         and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona                         from the fiery keep of the dragon. If                         for any reason the winner is unsuccessful,                         the first runner-up will take his place                         and so on and so forth. Some of you                         may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing                         to make. (cheers) Let the tournament                         begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is                         that? It's hideous!                                     SHREK                         (turns to look at Donkey and then back                         at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice.                         It's just a donkey.                                     FARQUAAD                         Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who                         kills the ogre will be named champion!                         Have it him!                                     MEN                         Get him!                                     SHREK                         Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps                         into a table where there are mugs of                         beer)                                     CROWD                         Go ahead! Get him!                                     SHREK                         (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just                         settle this over a pint?                                     CROWD                         Kill the beast!                                     SHREK                         No? All right then. (drinks the beer)                         Come on!               He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel               of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the               other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides               past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped.               As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger               beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll.               Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much               fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice               to say that Shrek kicks butt.                                     DONKEY                         Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!               Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek               gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.                                     SHREK                         Yeah!               A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time               and sees him.                                     WOMAN                         The chair! Give him the chair!               Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men               are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding               sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.                                     SHREK                         Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you                         very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try                         the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)               The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on               Shrek.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Shall I give the order, sir?                                     FARQUAAD                         No, I have a better idea. People of                         DuLoc, I give you our champion!                                     SHREK                         What?                                     FARQUAAD                         Congratulations, ogre. You're won the                         honor of embarking on a great and noble                         quest.                                     SHREK                         Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest                         to get my swamp back.                                     FARQUAAD                         Your swamp?                                     SHREK                         Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those                         fairy tale creatures!                                     FARQUAAD                         Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you                         a deal. Go on this quest for me, and                         I'll give you your swamp back.                                     SHREK                         Exactly the way it was?                                     FARQUAAD                         Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.                                                             SHREK                         And the squatters?                                     FARQUAAD                         As good as gone.                                     SHREK                         What kind of quest?               Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field               heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.                                     DONKEY                         Let me get this straight. You're gonna                         go fight a dragon and rescue a princess                         just so Farquaad will give you back                         a swamp which you only don't have because                         he filled it full of freaks in the first                         place. Is that about right?                                     SHREK                         You know, maybe there's a good reason                         donkeys shouldn't talk.                                     DONKEY                         I don't get it. Why don't you just pull                         some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle                         him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds                         his bones to make your bread, the whole                         ogre trip.                                     SHREK                         Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have                         decapitated an entire village and put                         their heads on a pike, gotten a knife,                         cut open their spleen and drink their                         fluids. Does that sound good to you?                                                             DONKEY                         Uh, no, not really, no.                                     SHREK                         For your information, there's a lot                         more to ogres than people think.                                     DONKEY                         Example?                                     SHREK                         Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions.                         (he holds out his onion)                                     DONKEY                         (sniffs the onion) They stink?                                     SHREK                         Yes - - No!                                     DONKEY                         They make you cry?                                     SHREK                         No!                                     DONKEY                         You leave them in the sun, they get                         all brown, start sproutin' little white                         hairs.                                     SHREK                         No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres                         have layers! Onions have layers. You                         get it? We both have layers. (he heaves                         a sigh and then walks off)                                     DONKEY                         (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both                         have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know,                         not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody                         loves cakes! Cakes have layers.                                     SHREK                         I don't care... what everyone likes.                         Ogres are not like cakes.                                     DONKEY                         You know what else everybody likes?                         Parfaits. Have you ever met a person,                         you say, "Let's get some parfait," they                         say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"?                         Parfaits are delicious.                                     SHREK                         No! You dense, irritating, miniature                         beast of burden! Ogres are like onions!                         And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.                                                             DONKEY                         Parfaits may be the most delicious thing                         on the whole damn planet.                                     SHREK                         You know, I think I preferred your humming.                                                             DONKEY                         Do you have a tissue or something? I'm                         making a mess. Just the word parfait                         make me start slobbering.               They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through               a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying               to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem,               so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out.               DRAGON'S KEEP               Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to               house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano.                                                   DONKEY                         (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?                         You gotta warn somebody before you just                         crack one off. My mouth was open and                         everything.                                     SHREK                         Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd                         be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We                         must be getting close.                                     DONKEY                         Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking                         about it's the brimstone. I know what                         I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It                         didn't come off no stone neither.                                       They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There               is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where               the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very               foreboding.                                     SHREK                         Sure, it's big enough, but look at the                         location. (laughs...then the laugh turns                         into a groan)                                     DONKEY                         Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said                         ogres have layers?                                     SHREK                         Oh, aye.                                     DONKEY                         Well, I have a bit of a confession to                         make. Donkeys don't have layers. We                         wear our fear right out there on our                         sleeves.                                     SHREK                         Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.                                                             DONKEY                         You know what I mean.                                     SHREK                         You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.                                                             DONKEY                         No, I'm just a little uncomfortable                         about being on a rickety bridge over                         a boiling like of lava!                                     SHREK                         Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside                         ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll                         just tackle this thing together one                         little baby step at a time.                                     DONKEY                         Really?                                     SHREK                         Really, really.                                     DONKEY                         Okay, that makes me feel so much better.                                                             SHREK                         Just keep moving. And don't look down.                                                             DONKEY                         Okay, don't look down. Don't look down.                         Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't                         look down. (he steps through a rotting                         board and ends up looking straight down                         into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down!                         Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me                         off, please!                                     SHREK                         But you're already halfway.                                     DONKEY                         But I know that half is safe!                                     SHREK                         Okay, fine. I don't have time for this.                         You go back.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, no! Wait!                                     SHREK                         Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance                         then, shall me? (bounces and sways the                         bridge)                                     DONKEY                         Don't do that!                                     SHREK                         Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces                         the bridge again)                                     DONKEY                         Yes, that!                                     SHREK                         Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to                         bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across                         the bridge)                                     DONKEY                         No, Shrek! No! Stop it!                                     SHREK                         You said do it! I'm doin' it.                                     DONKEY                         I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek,                         I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground)                         Oh!                                     SHREK                         That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks                         towards the castle)                                     DONKEY                         Cool. So where is this fire-breathing                         pain-in-the-neck anyway?                                     SHREK                         Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.                         (chuckles)                                     DONKEY                         I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.                                       INSIDE THE CASTLE                                     DONKEY                         You afraid?                                     SHREK                         No.                                     DONKEY                         But...                                     SHREK                         Shh.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton                         and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong                         with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible                         response to an unfamiliar situation.                         Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might                         add. With a dragon that breathes fire                         and eats knights and breathes fire,                         it sure doesn't mean you're a coward                         if you're a little scared. I sure as                         heck ain't no coward. I know that.                                                             SHREK                         Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up.                         Now go over there and see if you can                         find any stairs.                                     DONKEY                         Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for                         the princess.                                     SHREK                         (putting on a helmet) The princess will                         be up the stairs in the highest room                         in the tallest tower.                                     DONKEY                         What makes you think she'll be there?                                                             SHREK                         I read it in a book once. (walks off)                                                             DONKEY                         Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle                         the stairs. I'll find those stairs.                         I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs                         won't know which way they're goin'.                         (walks off)               EMPTY ROOM               Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room.                                                   DONKEY                         I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it                         to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm                         the stair master. I've mastered the                         stairs. I wish I had a step right here.                         I'd step all over it.               ELSEWHERE               Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window.                                     SHREK                         Well, at least we know where the princess                         is, but where's the...                                     DONKEY                         (os) Dragon!               Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again.               Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon               breathes fire.                                     SHREK                         Donkey, look out! (he manages to get                         a hold of the dragons tail and holds                         on) Got ya!               The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek               goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the               tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying               on the floor.                                     DONKEY                         Oh! Aah! Aah!               Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small               part of the bridge he's on.                                     DONKEY                         No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh,                         what large teeth you have. (the dragon                         growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth.                         I know you probably hear this all time                         from your food, but you must bleach,                         'cause that is one dazzling smile you                         got there. Do I detect a hint of minty                         freshness? And you know what else? You're                         - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure!                         I mean, of course you're a girl dragon.                         You're just reeking of feminine beauty.                         (the dragon begins fluttering her eyes                         at him) What's the matter with you?                         You got something in your eye? Ohh.                         Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay,                         but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon                         blows a smoke ring in the shape of a                         heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm                         an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd                         work out if you're gonna blow smoke                         rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him                         up with her teeth and carries him off)                         No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!               FIONA'S ROOM               Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona               so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She               then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off               the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep.               Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for               a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders               and shakes her away.                                     FIONA                         Oh! Oh!                                     SHREK                         Wake up!                                     FIONA                         What?                                     SHREK                         Are you Princess Fiona?                                     FIONA                         I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to                         rescue me.                                     SHREK                         Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!                                     FIONA                         But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our                         first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful,                         romantic moment?                                     SHREK                         Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.                                                             FIONA                         Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should                         sweep me off my feet out yonder window                         and down a rope onto your valiant steed.                                                             SHREK                         You've had a lot of time to plan this,                         haven't you?                                     FIONA                         (smiles) Mm-hmm.               Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down               the hallway.                                     FIONA                         But we have to savor this moment! You                         could recite an epic poem for me. A                         ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!                                                             SHREK                         I don't think so.                                     FIONA                         Can I at least know the name of my champion?                                                             SHREK                         Uh, Shrek.                                     FIONA                         Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds                         out a handkerchief) I pray that you                         take this favor as a token of my gratitude.                                                             SHREK                         Thanks!               Suddenly they hear the dragon roar.                                     FIONA                         (surprised)You didn't slay the dragon?                                                             SHREK                         It's on my to-do list. Now come on!                         (takes off running and drags Fiona behind                         him.)                                     FIONA                         But this isn't right! You were meant                         to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying.                         That's what all the other knights did.                                                             SHREK                         Yeah, right before they burst into flame.                                                             FIONA                         That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly                         stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek                         ignores her and heads for a wooden door                         off to the side.) Wait. Where are you                         going? The exit's over there.                                     SHREK                         Well, I have to save my ass.                                     FIONA                         What kind of knight are you?                                     SHREK                         One of a kind. (opens the door into                         the throne room)                                     DONKEY                         (os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please.                         I believe it's healthy to get to know                         someone over a long period of time.                         Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs                         worriedly) (we see him up close and                         from a distance as Shrek sneaks into                         the room) I don't want to rush into                         a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally                         ready for a commitment of, uh, this                         - - Magnitude really is the word I'm                         looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that                         is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what                         are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just                         back up a little and take this one step                         at a time. We really should get to know                         each other first as friends or pen pals.                         I'm on the road a lot, but I just love                         receiving cards - - I'd really love                         to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's                         my tail! That's my personal tail. You're                         gonna tear it off. I don't give permission                         - - What are you gonna do with that?                         Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No.                         No, no, no. No! Oh!               Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings               toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks               up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head.               He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps               Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him.               Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and               roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto               her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms               a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey               take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and               then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her.                                     DONKEY                         Hi, Princess!                                     FIONA                         It talks!                                     SHREK                         Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's                         the trick.               They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots               a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a               crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His               eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles               off and walks lightly.                                     SHREK                         Oh!               Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona.                                                   SHREK                         Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll                         take care of the dragon.               Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the               castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping               chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that               is still around the dragons neck.                                     SHREK                         (echoing) Run!               They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot               pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons               breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on               for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They               are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look               in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to               get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the               dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs               quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a               sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away.                                     FIONA                         (sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You                         did it! You rescued me! You're amazing.                         (behind her Donkey falls down the hill)                         You're - - You're wonderful. You're...                         (turns and sees Shrek fall down the                         hill and bump into Donkey) a little                         unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed                         is great, and thy heart is pure. I am                         eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears                         his throat.) And where would a brave                         knight be without his noble steed?                                                             DONKEY                         I hope you heard that. She called me                         a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.                                                             FIONA                         The battle is won. You may remove your                         helmet, good Sir Knight.                                     SHREK                         Uh, no.                                     FIONA                         Why not?                                     SHREK                         I have helmet hair.                                     FIONA                         Please. I would'st look upon the face                         of my rescuer.                                     SHREK                         No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.                                     FIONA                         But how will you kiss me?                                     SHREK                         What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the                         job description.                                     DONKEY                         Maybe it's a perk.                                     FIONA                         No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know                         how it goes. A princess locked in a                         tower and beset by a dragon is rescued                         by a brave knight, and then they share                         true love's first kiss.                                     DONKEY                         Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait.                         Wait. You think that Shrek is you true                         love?                                     FIONA                         Well, yes.               Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing.                                     DONKEY                         You think Shrek is your true love!                                                             FIONA                         What is so funny?                                     SHREK                         Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona:                         Of course, you are. You're my rescuer.                         Now - - Now remove your helmet.                                     SHREK                         Look. I really don't think this is a                         good idea.                                     FIONA                         Just take off the helmet.                                     SHREK                         I'm not going to.                                     FIONA                         Take it off.                                     SHREK                         No!                                     FIONA                         Now!                                     SHREK                         Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.                         (takes off his helmet)                                     FIONA                         You- - You're a- - an ogre.                                     SHREK                         Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.                                                             FIONA                         Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is                         all wrong. You're not supposed to be                         an ogre.                                     SHREK                         Princess, I was sent to rescue you by                         Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who                         wants to marry you.                                     FIONA                         Then why didn't he come rescue me?                                                             SHREK                         Good question. You should ask him that                         when we get there.                                     FIONA                         But I have to be rescued by my true                         love, not by some ogre and his- - his                         pet.                                     DONKEY                         Well, so much for noble steed.                                     SHREK                         You're not making my job any easier.                                                             FIONA                         I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem.                         You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he                         wants to rescue me properly, I'll be                         waiting for him right here.                                     SHREK                         Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all                         right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy.                         (he swiftly picks her up and swings                         her over his shoulder like she was a                         sack of potatoes)                                     FIONA                         You wouldn't dare. Put me down!                                     SHREK                         Ya comin', Donkey?                                     DONKEY                         I'm right behind ya.                                     FIONA                         Put me down, or you will suffer the                         consequences! This is not dignified!                         Put me down!               WOODS               A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just               hangs there limply while Shrek carries her.                                     DONKEY                         Okay, so here's another question. Say                         there's a woman that digs you, right,                         but you don't really like her that way.                         How do you let her down real easy so                         her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't                         get burned to a crisp and eaten?                                     FIONA                         You just tell her she's not your true                         love. Everyone knows what happens when                         you find your...(Shrek drops her on                         the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to                         DuLoc the better.                                     DONKEY                         You're gonna love it there, Princess.                         It's beautiful!                                     FIONA                         And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad?                         What's he like?                                     SHREK                         Let me put it this way, Princess. Men                         of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.                         (he and Donkey laugh)               Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off               the dust and grime.                                     DONKEY                         I don't know. There are those who think                         little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona:                         Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're                         just jealous you can never measure up                         to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.                                                             SHREK                         Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess.                         But I'll let you do the "measuring"                         when you see him tomorrow.                                     FIONA                         (looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow?                         It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop                         to make camp?                                     SHREK                         No, that'll take longer. We can keep                         going.                                     FIONA                         But there's robbers in the woods.                                     DONKEY                         Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting                         to sound good.                                     SHREK                         Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything                         we're going to see in this forest.                                                             FIONA                         I need to find somewhere to camp now!                                       Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her.                             MOUNTAIN CLIFF               Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves               a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave.                                     SHREK                         Hey! Over here.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, we can do better than that. I                         don't think this is fit for a princess.                                                             FIONA                         No, no, it's perfect. It just needs                         a few homey touches.                                     SHREK                         Homey touches? Like what? (he hears                         a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona                         who has torn the bark off of a tree.)                                                             FIONA                         A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee                         good night. (goes into the cave and                         puts the bark door up behind her)                                                             DONKEY                         You want me to read you a bedtime story?                         I will.                                     FIONA                         (os) I said good night!               Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the               boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona               still inside.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, What are you doing?                                     SHREK                         (laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh,                         come on. I was just kidding.               LATER THAT NIGHT               Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring               up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations               to Donkey.                                     SHREK                         And, uh, that one, that's Throwback,                         the only ogre to ever spit over three                         wheat fields.                                     DONKEY                         Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future                         from these stars?                                     SHREK                         The stars don't tell the future, Donkey.                         They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut,                         the Flatulent. You can guess what he's                         famous for.                                     DONKEY                         I know you're making this up.                                     SHREK                         No, look. There he is, and there's the                         group of hunters running away from his                         stench.                                     DONKEY                         That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little                         dots.                                     SHREK                         You know, Donkey, sometimes things are                         more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.                                                             DONKEY                         (heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what                         we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?                                                             SHREK                         Our swamp?                                     DONKEY                         You know, when we're through rescuing                         the princess.                                     SHREK                         We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's                         no "our". There's just me and my swamp.                         The first thing I'm gonna do is build                         a ten-foot wall around my land.                                     DONKEY                         You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real                         deep just now. You know what I think?                         I think this whole wall thing is just                         a way to keep somebody out.                                     SHREK                         No, do ya think?                                     DONKEY                         Are you hidin' something?                                     SHREK                         Never mind, Donkey.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, this is another one of those onion                         things, isn't it?                                     SHREK                         No, this is one of those drop-it and                         leave-it alone things.                                     DONKEY                         Why don't you want to talk about it?                                                             SHREK                         Why do you want to talk about it?                                     DONKEY                         Why are you blocking?                                     SHREK                         I'm not blocking.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, yes, you are.                                     SHREK                         Donkey, I'm warning you.                                     DONKEY                         Who you trying to keep out?                                     SHREK                         Everyone! Okay?                                     DONKEY                         (pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.                         (grins)               At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to               the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her.                                     SHREK                         Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and                         walks over to the edge of the cliff                         and sits down)                                     DONKEY                         What's your problem? What you got against                         the whole world anyway?                                     SHREK                         Look, I'm not the one with the problem,                         okay? It's the world that seems to have                         a problem with me. People take one look                         at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big,                         stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before                         they even know me. That's why I'm better                         off alone.                                     DONKEY                         You know what? When we met, I didn't                         think you was just a big, stupid, ugly                         ogre.                                     SHREK                         Yeah, I know.                                     DONKEY                         So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?                                                             SHREK                         Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small                         and Annoying.                                     DONKEY                         Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny                         one, right there. That one there?                                       Fiona puts the door back.                                     SHREK                         That's the moon.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, okay.               DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom               The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays               in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic               Mirror shows him Princess Fiona.                                     FARQUAAD                         Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror,                         show her to me. Show me the princess.                                                             MIRROR                         Hmph.               The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning.                                                   FARQUAAD                         Ah. Perfect.               Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up               to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly               at her image in the mirror.               MORNING               Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey               who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes               across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along               with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles               to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too               big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but               she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona               is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still               sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking               in his sleep.                                     DONKEY                         (quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like                         it like that. Come on, baby. I said                         I like it.                                     SHREK                         Donkey, wake up. (shakes him)                                     DONKEY                         Huh? What?                                     SHREK                         Wake up.                                     DONKEY                         What? (stretches and yawns)                                     FIONA                         Good morning. Hm, how do you like your                         eggs?                                     DONKEY                         Oh, good morning, Princess!               Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them.                                     SHREK                         What's all this about?                                     FIONA                         You know, we kind of got off to a bad                         start yesterday. I wanted to make it                         up to you. I mean, after all, you did                         rescue me.                                     SHREK                         Uh, thanks.               Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips.                                     FIONA                         Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead                         of us. (walks off)               LATER               They are once again on their way. They are walking through the               forest. Shrek belches.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek!                                     SHREK                         What? It's a compliment. Better out                         than in, I always say. (laughs)                                     DONKEY                         Well, it's no way to behave in front                         of a princess.               Fiona belches                                     FIONA                         Thanks.                                     DONKEY                         She's as nasty as you are.                                     SHREK                         (chuckles) You know, you're not exactly                         what I expected.                                     FIONA                         Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people                         before you get to know them.               She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly               from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into               a tree.                                     ROBIN HOOD                         La liberte! Hey!                                     SHREK                         Princess!                                     FIONA                         (to Robin Hood) What are you doing?                                                             ROBIN HOOD                         Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior!                         And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses                         up her arm while Fiona pulls back in                         disgust)...beast.                                     SHREK                         Hey! That's my princess! Go find you                         own!                                     ROBIN HOOD                         Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a                         little busy here?                                     FIONA                         (getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't                         know who you think you are!                                     ROBIN HOOD                         Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please                         let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men.                         (laughs)               Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out               from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song.                                     MERRY MEN                         Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.                                     ROBIN HOOD                         I steal from the rich and give to the                         needy.                                     MERRY MEN                         He takes a wee percentage,                                     ROBIN HOOD                         But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty                         damsels, man, I'm good.                                     MERRY MEN                         What a guy, Monsieur Hood.                                     ROBIN HOOD                         Break it down. I like an honest fight                         and a saucy little maid...                                     MERRY MEN                         What he's basically saying is he likes                         to get...                                     ROBIN HOOD                         Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush                         grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad.                                                             MERRY MEN                         That's bad.                                     ROBIN HOOD                         When a beauty's with a beast it makes                         me awfully mad.                                     MERRY MEN                         He's mad, he's really, really mad.                                                             ROBIN HOOD                         I'll take my blade and ram it through                         your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys                         'cause I'm about to start...               There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and               knocks Robin Hood unconscious.                                     FIONA                         Man, that was annoying!               Shrek looks at her in admiration.                                     MERRY MAN                         Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at                         Fiona but she ducks out of the way)                                       The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to               get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree.                             Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and               then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is               a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in               mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down,               and Fiona begins walking away.                                     FIONA                         Uh, shall we?                                     SHREK                         Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins                         walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa,                         whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come                         from?                                     FIONA                         What?                                     SHREK                         That! Back there. That was amazing!                         Where did you learn that?                                     FIONA                         Well...(laughs) when one lives alone,                         uh, one has to learn these things in                         case there's a...(gasps and points)                         there's an arrow in your butt!                                     SHREK                         What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you                         look at that? (he goes to pull it out                         but flinches because it's tender)                                                             FIONA                         Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so                         sorry.                                     DONKEY                         (walking up) Why? What's wrong?                                     FIONA                         Shrek's hurt.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no,                         Shrek's gonna die.                                     SHREK                         Donkey, I'm okay.                                     DONKEY                         You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm                         too young for you to die. Keep you legs                         elevated. Turn your head and cough.                         Does anyone know the Heimlich?                                     FIONA                         Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help                         Shrek, run into the woods and find me                         a blue flower with red thorns.                                     DONKEY                         Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on                         it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die                         Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay                         away from the light!                                     SHREK & FIONA                         Donkey!                                     DONKEY                         Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.                         (runs off)                                     SHREK                         What are the flowers for?                                     FIONA                         (like it's obvious) For getting rid                         of Donkey.                                     SHREK                         Ah.                                     FIONA                         Now you hold still, and I'll yank this                         thing out. (gives the arrow a little                         pull)                                     SHREK                         (jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the                         yankin'.               As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and               Shrek keeps dodging her hands.                                     FIONA                         I'm sorry, but it has to come out.                                                             SHREK                         No, it's tender.                                     FIONA                         Now, hold on.                                     SHREK                         What you're doing is the opposite of                         help.                                     FIONA                         Don't move.                                     SHREK                         Look, time out.                                     FIONA                         Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his                         hand over her face to stop her from                         getting at the arrow) Okay. What do                         you propose we do?               ELSEWHERE               Donkey is still looking for the special flower.                                     DONKEY                         Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower,                         red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns.                         This would be so much easier if I wasn't                         color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.                                                             SHREK                         (os) Ow!                                     DONKEY                         Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a                         flower off a nearby bush that just happens                         to be a blue flower with red thorns)                                       THE FOREST PATH                                     SHREK                         Ow! Not good.                                     FIONA                         Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.                         (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just                         about...                                     SHREK                         Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall                         over with Fiona on top of him)                                     DONKEY                         Ahem.                                     SHREK                         (throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing                         happend. We were just, uh - -                                     DONKEY                         Look, if you wanted to be alone, all                         you had to do was ask. Okay?                                     SHREK                         Oh, come on! That's the last thing on                         my mind. The princess here was just-                         - (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he                         turns to look at Fiona who holds up                         the arrow with a smile) Ow!                                     DONKEY                         Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle)                         That's...is that blood?               Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue               on their way.               There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc.               Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a               small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as               Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back               into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting               and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb               that's on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it               around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins               eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers.               Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting               it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning               it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group   ��           arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc.               WINDMILL                                     SHREK                         There it is, Princess. Your future awaits                         you.                                     FIONA                         That's DuLoc?                                     DONKEY                         Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks                         Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,                         which I think means he has a really...(Shrek                         steps on his hoof) Ow!                                     SHREK                         Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move                         on.                                     FIONA                         Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried                         about Donkey.                                     SHREK                         What?                                     FIONA                         I mean, look at him. He doesn't look                         so good.                                     DONKEY                         What are you talking about? I'm fine.                                                             FIONA                         (kneels to look him in the eyes) That's                         what they always say, and then next                         thing you know, you're on your back.                         (pause) Dead.                                     SHREK                         You know, she's right. You look awful.                         Do you want to sit down?                                     FIONA                         Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.                                                             DONKEY                         I didn't want to say nothin', but I                         got this twinge in my neck, and when                         I turn my head like this, look, (turns                         his neck in a very sharp way until his                         head is completely sideways) Ow! See?                                                             SHREK                         Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.                                                             FIONA                         I'll get the firewood.                                     DONKEY                         Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't                         feel my toes! (looks down and yelps)                         I don't have any toes! I think I need                         a hug.               SUNSET               Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while               Fiona eats.                                     FIONA                         Mmm. This is good. This is really good.                         What is this?                                     SHREK                         Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style.                                     FIONA                         No kidding. Well, this is delicious.                                                             SHREK                         Well, they're also great in stews. Now,                         I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean                         weed rat stew. (chuckles)               Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs.                                     FIONA                         I guess I'll be dining a little differently                         tomorrow night.                                     SHREK                         Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp                         sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff                         for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare                         - - you name it.                                     FIONA                         (smiles) I'd like that.               They smiles at each other.                                     SHREK                         Um, Princess?                                     FIONA                         Yes, Shrek?                                     SHREK                         I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs)                         Are you gonna eat that?                                     DONKEY                         (chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic?                         Just look at that sunset.                                     FIONA                         (jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's                         late. I-It's very late.                                     SHREK                         What?                                     DONKEY                         Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on                         here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't                         you?                                     FIONA                         Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified.                         You know, I'd better go inside.                                     DONKEY                         Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to                         be afraid of the dark, too, until -                         - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of                         the dark.               Shrek sighs                                     FIONA                         Good night.                                     SHREK                         Good night.               Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks               at Shrek with a new eye.                                     DONKEY                         Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on                         here.                                     SHREK                         Oh, what are you talkin' about?                                     DONKEY                         I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm                         an animal, and I got instincts. And                         I know you two were diggin' on each                         other. I could feel it.                                     SHREK                         You're crazy. I'm just bringing her                         back to Farquaad.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell                         the pheromones. Just go on in and tell                         her how you feel.                                     SHREK                         I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides,                         even if I did tell her that, well, you                         know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause                         I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm                         - -                                     DONKEY                         An ogre?                                     SHREK                         Yeah. An ogre.                                     DONKEY                         Hey, where you goin'?                                     SHREK                         To get... move firewood. (sighs)               Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already               is.               TIME LAPSE               Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is               nowhere to be seen.                                     DONKEY                         Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess,                         where are you? Princess?               Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her.                                                   DONKEY                         It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing                         no games.               Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't               look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking               out.                                     DONKEY                         Aah!                                     FIONA                         Oh, no!                                     DONKEY                         No, help!                                     FIONA                         Shh!                                     DONKEY                         Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!                                     FIONA                         No, it's okay. It's okay.                                     DONKEY                         What did you do with the princess?                                                             FIONA                         Donkey, I'm the princess.                                     DONKEY                         Aah!                                     FIONA                         It's me, in this body.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to                         her stomach) Can you hear me?                                     FIONA                         Donkey!                                     DONKEY                         (still aimed at her stomach) Listen,                         keep breathing! I'll get you out of                         there!                                     FIONA                         No!                                     DONKEY                         Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!                                     FIONA                         Shh.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek!                                     FIONA                         This is me.               Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets               down.                                     DONKEY                         Princess? What happened to you? You're,                         uh, uh, uh, different.                                     FIONA                         I'm ugly, okay?                                     DONKEY                         Well, yeah! Was it something you ate?                         'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a                         bad idea. You are what you eat, I said.                         Now - -                                     FIONA                         No. I - - I've been this way as long                         as I can remember.                                     DONKEY                         What do you mean? Look, I ain't never                         seen you like this before.                                     FIONA                         It only happens when sun goes down.                         "By night one way, by day another. This                         shall be the norm... until you find                         true love's first kiss... and then take                         love's true form."                                     DONKEY                         Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know                         you wrote poetry.                                     FIONA                         It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little                         girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every                         night I become this. This horrible,                         ugly beast! I was placed in a tower                         to await the day my true love would                         rescue me. That's why I have to marry                         Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun                         sets and he sees me like this. (begins                         to cry)                                     DONKEY                         All right, all right. Calm down. Look,                         it's not that bad. You're not that ugly.                         Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly.                         But you only look like this at night.                         Shrek's ugly 24-7.                                     FIONA                         But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this                         is not how a princess is meant to look.                                                             DONKEY                         Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry                         Farquaad?                                     FIONA                         I have to. Only my true love's kiss                         can break the spell.                                     DONKEY                         But, you know, um, you're kind of an                         orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a                         lot in common.                                     FIONA                         Shrek?               OUTSIDE               Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his               hand.                                     SHREK                         (to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's                         it going, first of all? Good? Um, good                         for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower                         and thought of you because it's pretty                         and - - well, I don't really like it,                         but I thought you might like it 'cause                         you're pretty. But I like you anyway.                         I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble.                         Okay, here we go.               He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey               and Fiona talking.                                     FIONA                         (os) I can't just marry whoever I want.                         Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean,                         really, who can ever love a beast so                         hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly"                         don't go together. That's why I can't                         stay here with Shrek.               Shrek steps back in shock.                                     FIONA                         (os) My only chance to live happily                         ever after is to marry my true love.                                       Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks               away.               INSIDE                                     FIONA                         Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how                         it has to be. It's the only way to break                         the spell.                                     DONKEY                         You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.                                                             FIONA                         No! You can't breathe a word. No one                         must ever know.                                     DONKEY                         What's the point of being able to talk                         if you gotta keep secrets?                                     FIONA                         Promise you won't tell. Promise!                                     DONKEY                         All right, all right. I won't tell him.                         But you should. (goes outside) I just                         know before this is over, I'm gonna                         need a whole lot of serious therapy.                         Look at my eye twitchin'.               Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks               down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back               inside the windmill.               MORNING               Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still               awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower.                                     FIONA                         I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him,                         I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly                         runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek!                         Shrek, there's something I want...(she                         looks and sees the rising sun, and as                         the sun crests the sky she turns back                         into a human.)               Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards               her.                                     FIONA                         Shrek. Are you all right?                                     SHREK                         Perfect! Never been better.                                     FIONA                         I - - I don't - - There's something                         I have to tell you.                                     SHREK                         You don't have to tell me anything,                         Princess. I heard enough last night.                                                             FIONA                         You heard what I said?                                     SHREK                         Every word.                                     FIONA                         I thought you'd understand.                                     SHREK                         Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who                         could love a hideous, ugly beast?"                                                             FIONA                         But I thought that wouldn't matter to                         you.                                     SHREK                         Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at                         him in shock. He looks past her and                         spots a group approaching.) Ah, right                         on time. Princess, I've brought you                         a little something.               Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal               sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only               like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers               march by.                                     DONKEY                         What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots                         the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that?                         Couldn't have been the donkey.                                     FARQUAAD                         Princess Fiona.                                     SHREK                         As promised. Now hand it over.                                     FARQUAAD                         Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece                         of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared                         out, as agreed. Take it and go before                         I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper)                         Forgive me, Princess, for startling                         you, but you startled me, for I have                         never seen such a radiant beauty before.                         I'm Lord Farquaad.                                     FIONA                         Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad                         snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord,                         for I was just saying a short... (Watches                         as Farquaad is lifted off his horse                         and set down in front of her. He comes                         to her waist.) farewell.                                     FARQUAAD                         Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have                         to waste good manners on the ogre. It's                         not like it has feelings.                                     FIONA                         No, you're right. It doesn't.               Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face.                                                   FARQUAAD                         Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless                         Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.                         Will you be the perfect bride for the                         perfect groom?                                     FIONA                         Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would                         make - -                                     FARQUAAD                         (interrupting) Excellent! I'll start                         the plans, for tomorrow we wed!                                     FIONA                         No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get                         married today before the sun sets.                                                             FARQUAAD                         Oh, anxious, are you? You're right.                         The sooner, the better. There's so much                         to do! There's the caterer, the cake,                         the band, the guest list. Captain, round                         up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona                         on the back of his horse)                                     FIONA                         Fare-thee-well, ogre.               Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches               them go.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting                         her get away.                                     SHREK                         Yeah? So what?                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, there's something about her you                         don't know. Look, I talked to her last                         night, She's - -                                     SHREK                         I know you talked to her last night.                         You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if                         you two are such good friends, why don't                         you follow her home?                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.                                     SHREK                         I told you, didn't I? You're not coming                         home with me. I live alone! My swamp!                         Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody!                         Especially useless, pathetic, annoying,                         talking donkeys!                                     DONKEY                         But I thought - -                                     SHREK                         Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong!                         (stomps off)                                     DONKEY                         Shrek.               Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona               being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running               into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner               alone. Shrek eating dinner alone.               SHREK'S HOME               Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes               outside to investigate.                                     SHREK                         Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues                         with what he's doing.) What are you                         doing?                                     DONKEY                         I would think, of all people, you would                         recognize a wall when you see one.                                                             SHREK                         Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed                         to go around my swamp, not through it.                                                             DONKEY                         It is around your half. See that's your                         half, and this is my half.                                     SHREK                         Oh! Your half. Hmm.                                     DONKEY                         Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess.                         I did half the work. I get half the                         booty. Now hand me that big old rock,                         the one that looks like your head.                                                             SHREK                         Back off!                                     DONKEY                         No, you back off.                                     SHREK                         This is my swamp!                                     DONKEY                         Our swamp.                                     SHREK                         (grabs the tree branch Donkey is working                         with) Let go, Donkey!                                     DONKEY                         You let go.                                     SHREK                         Stubborn jackass!                                     DONKEY                         Smelly ogre.                                     SHREK                         Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks                         away)                                     DONKEY                         Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through                         with you yet.                                     SHREK                         Well, I'm through with you.                                     DONKEY                         Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always,                         "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now                         it's my turn! So you just shut up and                         pay attention! You are mean to me. You                         insult me and you don't appreciate anything                         that I do! You're always pushing me                         around or pushing me away.                                     SHREK                         Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so                         bad, how come you came back?                                     DONKEY                         Because that's what friends do! They                         forgive each other!                                     SHREK                         Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive                         you... for stabbin' me in the back!                         (goes into the outhouse and slams the                         door)                                     DONKEY                         Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers,                         onion boy, you're afraid of your own                         feelings.                                     SHREK                         (os) Go away!                                     DONKEY                         There you are , doing it again just                         like you did to Fiona. All she ever                         do was like you, maybe even love you.                                                             SHREK                         (os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a                         hideous creature. I heard the two of                         you talking.                                     DONKEY                         She wasn't talkin' about you. She was                         talkin' about, uh, somebody else.                                                             SHREK                         (opens the door and comes out) She wasn't                         talking about me? Well, then who was                         she talking about?                                     DONKEY                         Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything.                         You don't wanna listen to me. Right?                         Right?                                     SHREK                         Donkey!                                     DONKEY                         No!                                     SHREK                         Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh)                         I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big,                         stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?                                                             DONKEY                         Hey, that's what friends are for, right?                                                             SHREK                         Right. Friends?                                     DONKEY                         Friends.                                     SHREK                         So, um, what did Fiona say about me?                                                             DONKEY                         What are you asking me for? Why don't                         you just go ask her?                                     SHREK                         The wedding! We'll never make it in                         time.                                     DONKEY                         Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's                         a will, there's a way and I have a way.                         (whistles)               Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so               they can climb on.                                     SHREK                         Donkey?                                     DONKEY                         I guess it's just my animal magnetism.                                       They both laugh.                                     SHREK                         Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a                         noogie)                                     DONKEY                         All right, all right. Don't get all                         slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All                         right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't                         had a chance to install the seat belts                         yet.               They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc.               DULOC - CHURCH               Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there.               The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'.                                                   PRIEST                         People of DuLoc, we gather here today                         to bear witness to the union....                                     FIONA                         (eyeing the setting sun) Um-                                     PRIEST                         ...of our new king...                                     FIONA                         Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead                         to the "I do's"?                                     FARQUAAD                         (chuckles and then motions to the priest                         to indulge Fiona) Go on.               COURTYARD               Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with               a boom. The guards all take off running.                                     DONKEY                         (to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN.                         If we need you, I'll whistle. How about                         that? (she nods and goes after the guards)                         Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You                         wanna do this right, don't you?                                     SHREK                         (at the Church door) What are you talking                         about?                                     DONKEY                         There's a line you gotta wait for. The                         preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or                         forever hold your peace." That's when                         you say, "I object!"                                     SHREK                         I don't have time for this!                                     DONKEY                         Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen                         to me! Look, you love this woman, don't                         you?                                     SHREK                         Yes.                                     DONKEY                         You wanna hold her?                                     SHREK                         Yes.                                     DONKEY                         Please her?                                     SHREK                         Yes!                                     DONKEY                         (singing James Brown style) Then you                         got to, got to try a little tenderness.                         (normal) The chicks love that romantic                         crap!                                     SHREK                         All right! Cut it out. When does this                         guy say the line?                                     DONKEY                         We gotta check it out.               INSIDE CHURCH               As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the               windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see.                                     PRIEST                         And so, by the power vested in me...                                       Outside                                     SHREK                         What do you see?                                     DONKEY                         The whole town's in there.               Inside                                     PRIEST                         I now pronounce you husband and wife...                                       Outside                                     DONKEY                         They're at the altar.               Inside                                     PRIEST                         ...king and queen.               Outside                                     DONKEY                         Mother Fletcher! He already said it.                                                             SHREK                         Oh, for the love of Pete!               He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard.                             INSIDE CHURCH                                     SHREK                         (running toward the alter) I object!                                                             FIONA                         Shrek?               The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek.                                     FARQUAAD                         Oh, now what does he want?                                     SHREK                         (to congregation as he reaches the front                         of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin'                         a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first                         of all. Very clean.                                     FIONA                         What are you doing here?                                     SHREK                         Really, it's rude enough being alive                         when no one wants you, but showing up                         uninvited to a wedding...                                     SHREK                         Fiona! I need to talk to you.                                     FIONA                         Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little                         late for that, so if you'll excuse me                         - -                                     SHREK                         But you can't marry him.                                     FIONA                         And why not?                                     SHREK                         Because- - Because he's just marring                         you so he can be king.                                     FARQUAAD                         Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.                                                             SHREK                         He's not your true love.                                     FIONA                         And what do you know about true love?                                                             SHREK                         Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -                                     FARQUAAD                         Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen                         in love with the princess! Oh, good                         Lord. (laughs)               The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The               whole congregation laughs.                                     FARQUAAD                         An ogre and a princess!                                     FIONA                         Shrek, is this true?                                     FARQUAAD                         Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona,                         my love, we're but a kiss away from                         our "happily ever after." Now kiss me!                         (puckers his lips and leans toward her,                         but she pulls back.)                                     FIONA                         (looking at the setting sun) "By night                         one way, by day another." (to Shrek)                         I wanted to show you before.               She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self.               She gives Shrek a sheepish smile.                                     SHREK                         Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona                         smiles)                                     FARQUAAD                         Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards!                         I order you to get that out of my sight                         now! Get them! Get them both!               The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights               them.                                     SHREK                         No, no!                                     FIONA                         Shrek!                                     FARQUAAD                         This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This                         marriage is binding, and that makes                         me king! See? See?                                     FIONA                         No, let go of me! Shrek!                                     SHREK                         No!                                     FARQUAAD                         Don't just stand there, you morons.                                                             SHREK                         Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!                                     FARQUAAD                         I'll make you regret the day we met.                         I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll                         beg for death to save you!                                     FIONA                         No, Shrek!                                     FARQUAAD                         (hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And                         as for you, my wife...                                     SHREK                         Fiona!                                     FARQUAAD                         I'll have you locked back in that tower                         for the rest of your days! I'm king!                                       Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles.                                     FARQUAAD                         I will have order! I will have perfection!                         I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon                         show up and the dragon leans down and                         eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah!                                     DONKEY                         All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon                         here, and I'm not afraid to use it.                         (The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on                         the edge!               The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth               and falls to the ground.                                     DONKEY                         Celebrity marriages. They never last,                         do they?               The congregation cheers.                                     DONKEY                         Go ahead, Shrek.                                     SHREK                         Uh, Fiona?                                     FIONA                         Yes, Shrek?                                     SHREK                         I - - I love you.                                     FIONA                         Really?                                     SHREK                         Really, really.                                     FIONA                         (smiles) I love you too.               Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes               'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation.                                                   CONGREGATION                         Aawww!               Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted               up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around               her.                                     WHISPERS                         "Until you find true love's first kiss                         and then take love's true form. Take                         love's true form. Take love's true form."                                       Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell               and then is slowly lowered to the ground.                                     SHREK                         (going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are                         you all right?                                     FIONA                         (standing up, she's still an ogre) Well,                         yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed                         to be beautiful.                                     SHREK                         But you ARE beautiful.               They smile at each other.                                     DONKEY                         (chuckles) I was hoping this would be                         a happy ending.               Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into...               THE SWAMP               ...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm               a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek               and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting               carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet               which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end               up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet               instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now               has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona               walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over               singing the song.                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         God bless us, every one.                                     DONKEY                         (as he's done singing and we fade to                         black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't                         breathe. I can't breathe.               THE END

#Shrek #shrek full script #my post #if I lose followers for this #good #if I anon hate for this I will no be suprised

[palecroissantgothstudent-blog]

Yo yo bro

SHREK                         Once upon a time there was a lovely                         princess. But she had an enchantment                         upon her of a fearful sort which could                         only be broken by love's first kiss.                         She was locked away in a castle guarded                         by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.                         Many brave knights had attempted to                         free her from this dreadful prison,                         but non prevailed. She waited in the                         dragon's keep in the highest room of                         the tallest tower for her true love                         and true love's first kiss. (laughs)                         Like that's ever gonna happen. What                         a load of - (toilet flush)               Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his               day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go               after the ogre.               NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME                                     MAN1                         Think it's in there?                                     MAN2                         All right. Let's get it!                                     MAN1                         Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that                         thing can do to you?                                     MAN3                         Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's                         bread.               Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.                                     SHREK                         Yes, well, actually, that would be a                         giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse.                         They'll make a suit from your freshly                         peeled skin.                                     MEN                         No!                                     SHREK                         They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the                         jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's                         quite good on toast.                                     MAN1                         Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!                         (waves the torch at Shrek.)               Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The               men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long               and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the               men are in the dark.                                     SHREK                         This is the part where you run away.                         (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.)                         And stay out! (looks down and picks                         up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted.                         Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and                         throws the paper over his shoulder.)                                       THE NEXT DAY               There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard               sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures               to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line               are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto               who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three               little pigs.                                     GUARD                         All right. This one's full. Take it                         away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!                                                             HEAD GUARD                         Next!                                     GUARD                         (taking the witch's broom) Give me that!                         Your flying days are over. (breaks the                         broom in half)                                     HEAD GUARD                         That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch.                         Next!                                     GUARD                         Get up! Come on!                                     HEAD GUARD                         Twenty pieces.                                     LITTLE BEAR                         (crying) This cage is too small.                                     DONKEY                         Please, don't turn me in. I'll never                         be stubborn again. I can change. Please!                         Give me another chance!                                     OLD WOMAN                         Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)                                     DONKEY                         Oh!                                     HEAD GUARD                         Next! What have you got?                                     GIPETTO                         This little wooden puppet.                                     PINOCCHIO                         I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his                         nose grows)                                     HEAD GUARD                         Five shillings for the possessed toy.                         Take it away.                                     PINOCCHIO                         Father, please! Don't let them do this!                         Help me!               Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up               to the table.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Next! What have you got?                                     OLD WOMAN                         Well, I've got a talking donkey.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings,                         if you can prove it.                                     OLD WOMAN                         Oh, go ahead, little fella.               Donkey just looks up at her.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Well?                                     OLD WOMAN                         Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little                         nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox.                         Talk, you boneheaded dolt...                                     HEAD GUARD                         That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!                                                             OLD WOMAN                         No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends                         to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to                         talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing                         you ever saw.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Get her out of my sight.                                     OLD WOMAN                         No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!               The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One               of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's               hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled               with fairy dust and he's able to fly.                                     DONKEY                         Hey! I can fly!                                     PETER PAN                         He can fly!                                     3 LITTLE PIGS                         He can fly!                                     HEAD GUARD                         He can talk!                                     DONKEY                         Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm                         a flying, talking donkey. You might                         have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly                         but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey                         fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins                         to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink                         to the ground.)               He hits the ground with a thud.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.)                         After him!                                     GUARDS                         He's getting away! Get him! This way!                         Turn!               Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally.               Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared               for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He               quickly hides behind Shrek.                                     HEAD GUARD                         You there. Ogre!                                     SHREK                         Aye?                                     HEAD GUARD                         By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized                         to place you both under arrest and transport                         you to a designated resettlement facility.                                                             SHREK                         Oh, really? You and what army?               He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well               and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail               and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and               begins walking back to his cottage.                                     DONKEY                         Can I say something to you? Listen,                         you was really, really, really somethin'                         back here. Incredible!                                     SHREK                         Are you talkin' to...(he turns around                         and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back                         around and Donkey is right in front                         of him.) Whoa!                                     DONKEY                         Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell                         you that you that you was great back                         here? Those guards! They thought they                         was all of that. Then you showed up,                         and bam! They was trippin' over themselves                         like babes in the woods. That really                         made me feel good to see that.                                     SHREK                         Oh, that's great. Really.                                     DONKEY                         Man, it's good to be free.                                     SHREK                         Now, why don't you go celebrate your                         freedom with your own friends? Hmm?                                                             DONKEY                         But, uh, I don't have any friends. And                         I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey,                         wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll                         stick with you. You're mean, green,                         fightin' machine. Together we'll scare                         the spit out of anybody that crosses                         us.               Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very               loudly.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you                         don't mind me sayin', if that don't                         work, your breath certainly will get                         the job done, 'cause you definitely                         need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause                         you breath stinks! You almost burned                         the hair outta my nose, just like the                         time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey                         continues to talk, so Shrek removes                         his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten                         berries. I had strong gases leaking                         out of my butt that day.                                     SHREK                         Why are you following me?                                     DONKEY                         I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause                         I'm all alone, There's no one here beside                         me, My problems have all gone, There's                         no one to deride me, But you gotta have                         faith...                                     SHREK                         Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't                         have any friends.                                     DONKEY                         Wow. Only a true friend would be that                         cruelly honest.                                     SHREK                         Listen, little donkey. Take a look at                         me. What am I?                                     DONKEY                         (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really                         tall?                                     SHREK                         No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your                         torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that                         bother you?                                     DONKEY                         Nope.                                     SHREK                         Really?                                     DONKEY                         Really, really.                                     SHREK                         Oh.                                     DONKEY                         Man, I like you. What's you name?                                     SHREK                         Uh, Shrek.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek? Well, you know what I like about                         you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me                         thing. I like that. I respect that,                         Shrek. You all right. (They come over                         a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.)                         Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live                         in place like that?                                     SHREK                         That would be my home.                                     DONKEY                         Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful.                         You know you are quite a decorator.                         It's amazing what you've done with such                         a modest budget. I like that boulder.                         That is a nice boulder. I guess you                         don't entertain much, do you?                                     SHREK                         I like my privacy.                                     DONKEY                         You know, I do too. That's another thing                         we have in common. Like I hate it when                         you got somebody in your face. You've                         trying to give them a hint, and they                         won't leave. There's that awkward silence.                         (awkward silence) Can I stay with you?                                                             SHREK                         Uh, what?                                     DONKEY                         Can I stay with you, please?                                     SHREK                         (sarcastically) Of course!                                     DONKEY                         Really?                                     SHREK                         No.                                     DONKEY                         Please! I don't wanna go back there!                         You don't know what it's like to be                         considered a freak. (pause while he                         looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do.                         But that's why we gotta stick together.                         You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!                                                             SHREK                         Okay! Okay! But one night only.                                     DONKEY                         Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage)                                                             SHREK                         What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto                         a chair.) No! No!                                     DONKEY                         This is gonna be fun! We can stay up                         late, swappin' manly stories, and in                         the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.                                     SHREK                         Oh!                                     DONKEY                         Where do, uh, I sleep?         ��                           SHREK                         (irritated) Outside!                                     DONKEY                         Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean,                         I don't know you, and you don't know                         me, so I guess outside is best, you                         know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek                         slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do                         like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was                         born outside. I'll just be sitting by                         myself outside, I guess, you know. By                         myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's                         no one here beside me...               SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT               Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights               a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a               noise. He stands up with a huff.                                     SHREK                         (to Donkey) I thought I told you to                         stay outside.                                     DONKEY                         (from the window) I am outside.               There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that               made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns               and spots 3 blind mice on his table.                                     BLIND MOUSE1                         Well, gents, it's a far cry from the                         farm, but what choice do we have?                                                             BLIND MOUSE2                         It's not home, but it'll do just fine.                                                             GORDO                         (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.                                                             SHREK                         Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes                         and lands on his shoulder.)                                     GORDO                         I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's                         ear)                                     SHREK                         Ow!                                     GORDO                         Blah! Awful stuff.                                     BLIND MOUSE1                         Is that you, Gordo?                                     GORDO                         How did you know?                                     SHREK                         Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are                         you doing in my house? (He gets bumped                         from behind and he drops the mice.)                         Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves                         with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no,                         no, no. Dead broad off the table.                                                             DWARF                         Where are we supposed to put her? The                         bed's taken.                                     SHREK                         Huh?               Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain.               The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at               him.                                     BIG BAD WOLF                         What?               TIME LAPSE               Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging               him to the front door.                                     SHREK                         I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm                         a terrifying ogre! What do I have to                         do get a little privacy? (He opens the                         front door to throw the Wolf out and                         he sees that all the collected Fairy                         Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh,                         no. No! No!               The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his               pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing               flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc.                                                   SHREK                         What are you doing in my swamp? (this                         echoes and everyone falls silent.)                                       Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a               tent.                                     SHREK                         All right, get out of here. All of you,                         move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya!                         Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more                         dwarves run inside the house) No, no!                         No, no. Not there. Not there. (they                         shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to                         look at Donkey)                                     DONKEY                         Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite                         them.                                     PINOCCHIO                         Oh, gosh, no one invited us.                                     SHREK                         What?                                     PINOCCHIO                         We were forced to come here.                                     SHREK                         (flabbergasted) By who?                                     LITTLE PIG                         Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed                         and he...signed an eviction notice.                                                             SHREK                         (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where                         this Farquaad guy is?               Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, I do. I know where he is.                                     SHREK                         Does anyone else know where to find                         him? Anyone at all?                                     DONKEY                         Me! Me!                                     SHREK                         Anyone?                                     DONKEY                         Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know!                         Me, me!                                     SHREK                         (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy                         tale things. Do not get comfortable.                         Your welcome is officially worn out.                         In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad                         right now and get you all off my land                         and back where you came from! (Pause.                         Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey)                         You! You're comin' with me.                                     DONKEY                         All right, that's what I like to hear,                         man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart                         friends, off on a whirlwind big-city                         adventure. I love it!                                     DONKEY                         (singing) On the road again. Sing it                         with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get                         on the road again.                                     SHREK                         What did I say about singing?                                     DONKEY                         Can I whistle?                                     SHREK                         No.                                     DONKEY                         Can I hum it?                                     SHREK                         All right, hum it.               Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.               DULOC - KITCHEN               A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually               dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in.                                     FARQUAAD                         That's enough. He's ready to talk.                                       The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down               onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the               table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes               up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.                                                   FARQUAAD                         (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs                         and plays with them) Run, run, run,                         as fast as you can. You can't catch                         me. I'm the gingerbread man.                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         You are a monster.                                     FARQUAAD                         I'm not the monster here. You are. You                         and the rest of that fairy tale trash,                         poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell                         me! Where are the others?                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's                         eye.)                                     FARQUAAD                         I've tried to be fair to you creatures.                         Now my patience has reached its end!                         Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to                         pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons)                                                             GINGERBREAD MAN                         No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop                         buttons.                                     FARQUAAD                         All right then. Who's hiding them?                                                             GINGERBREAD MAN                         Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the                         muffin man?                                     FARQUAAD                         The muffin man?                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         The muffin man.                                     FARQUAAD                         Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives                         on Drury Lane?                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         Well, she's married to the muffin man.                                                             FARQUAAD                         The muffin man?                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         The muffin man!                                     FARQUAAD                         She's married to the muffin man.               The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.                                     HEAD GUARD                         My lord! We found it.                                     FARQUAAD                         Then what are you waiting for? Bring                         it in.               More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet.               They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic               Mirror.                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         (in awe) Ohhhh...                                     FARQUAAD                         Magic mirror...                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks                         him up and dumps him into a trash can                         with a lid.) No!                                     FARQUAAD                         Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall.                         Is this not the most perfect kingdom                         of them all?                                     MIRROR                         Well, technically you're not a king.                                                             FARQUAAD                         Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a                         hand mirror and smashes it with his                         fist.) You were saying?                                     MIRROR                         What I mean is you're not a king yet.                         But you can become one. All you have                         to do is marry a princess.                                     FARQUAAD                         Go on.                                     MIRROR                         (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back                         and relax, my lord, because it's time                         for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes.                         And here they are! Bachelorette number                         one is a mentally abused shut-in from                         a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi                         and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies                         include cooking and cleaning for her                         two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.                         (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette                         number two is a cape-wearing girl from                         the land of fancy. Although she lives                         with seven other men, she's not easy.                         Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and                         find out what a live wire she is. Come                         on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows                         picture of Snow White) And last, but                         certainly not last, bachelorette number                         three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded                         castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!                         But don't let that cool you off. She's                         a loaded pistol who likes pina colads                         and getting caught in the rain. Yours                         for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows                         picture of Princess Fiona) So will it                         be bachelorette number one, bachelorette                         number two or bachelorette number three?                                                             GUARDS                         Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!                                                             FARQUAAD                         Three? One? Three?                                     THELONIUS                         Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number                         three, my lord!                                     FARQUAAD                         Okay, okay, uh, number three!                                     MIRROR                         Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess                         Fiona.                                     FARQUAAD                         Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I                         have to do is just find someone who                         can go...                                     MIRROR                         But I probably should mention the little                         thing that happens at night.                                     FARQUAAD                         I'll do it.                                     MIRROR                         Yes, but after sunset...                                     FARQUAAD                         Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona                         my queen, and DuLoc will finally have                         the perfect king! Captain, assemble                         your finest men. We're going to have                         a tournament. (smiles evilly)               DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section               Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking               lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.                                     DONKEY                         But that's it. That's it right there.                         That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.                                                             SHREK                         So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.                                                             DONKEY                         Uh-huh. That's the place.                                     SHREK                         Do you think maybe he's compensating                         for something? (He laughs, but then                         groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke.                         He continues walking through the parking                         lot.)                                     DONKEY                         Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.                                     MAN                         Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.                                                             SHREK                         Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing                         a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad,                         screams and begins running through the                         rows of rope to get to the front gate                         to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second.                         Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just                         - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins                         walking straight through the rows. The                         attendant runs into a wall and falls                         down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then                         continue on into DuLoc.)               DULOC               They look around but all is quiet.                                     SHREK                         It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?                                                             DONKEY                         Hey, look at this!               Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box               marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors               open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin               to sing.                                     WOODEN PEOPLE                         Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town                                       Here we have some rules               Let us lay them down               Don't make waves, stay in line               And we'll get along fine               DuLoc is perfect place               Please keep off of the grass               Shine your shoes, wipe your... face               DuLoc is, DuLoc is               DuLoc is perfect place.               Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture.                                     DONKEY                         Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready                         to run over and pull the lever again)                                                             SHREK                         (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still)                         No. No. No, no, no! No.               They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.                                     FARQUAAD                         Brave knights. You are the best and                         brightest in all the land. Today one                         of you shall prove himself...               As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena               Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song.                                     SHREK                         All right. You're going the right way                         for a smacked bottom.                                     DONKEY                         Sorry about that.                                     FARQUAAD                         That champion shall have the honor -                         - no, no - - the privilege to go forth                         and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona                         from the fiery keep of the dragon. If                         for any reason the winner is unsuccessful,                         the first runner-up will take his place                         and so on and so forth. Some of you                         may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing                         to make. (cheers) Let the tournament                         begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is                         that? It's hideous!                                     SHREK                         (turns to look at Donkey and then back                         at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice.                         It's just a donkey.                                     FARQUAAD                         Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who                         kills the ogre will be named champion!                         Have it him!                                     MEN                         Get him!                                     SHREK                         Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps                         into a table where there are mugs of                         beer)                                     CROWD                         Go ahead! Get him!                                     SHREK                         (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just                         settle this over a pint?                                     CROWD                         Kill the beast!                                     SHREK                         No? All right then. (drinks the beer)                         Come on!               He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel               of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the               other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides               past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped.               As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger               beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll.               Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much               fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice               to say that Shrek kicks butt.                                     DONKEY                         Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!               Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek               gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.                                     SHREK                         Yeah!               A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time               and sees him.                                     WOMAN                         The chair! Give him the chair!               Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men               are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding               sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.                                     SHREK                         Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you                         very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try                         the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)               The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on               Shrek.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Shall I give the order, sir?                                     FARQUAAD                         No, I have a better idea. People of                         DuLoc, I give you our champion!                                     SHREK                         What?                                     FARQUAAD                         Congratulations, ogre. You're won the                         honor of embarking on a great and noble                         quest.                                     SHREK                         Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest                         to get my swamp back.                                     FARQUAAD                         Your swamp?                                     SHREK                         Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those                         fairy tale creatures!                                     FARQUAAD                         Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you                         a deal. Go on this quest for me, and                         I'll give you your swamp back.                                     SHREK                         Exactly the way it was?                                     FARQUAAD                         Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.                                                             SHREK                         And the squatters?                                     FARQUAAD                         As good as gone.                                     SHREK                         What kind of quest?               Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field               heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.                                     DONKEY                         Let me get this straight. You're gonna                         go fight a dragon and rescue a princess                         just so Farquaad will give you back                         a swamp which you only don't have because                         he filled it full of freaks in the first                         place. Is that about right?                                     SHREK       ��                 You know, maybe there's a good reason                         donkeys shouldn't talk.                                     DONKEY                         I don't get it. Why don't you just pull                         some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle                         him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds                         his bones to make your bread, the whole                         ogre trip.                                     SHREK                         Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have                         decapitated an entire village and put                         their heads on a pike, gotten a knife,                         cut open their spleen and drink their                         fluids. Does that sound good to you?                                                             DONKEY                         Uh, no, not really, no.                                     SHREK                         For your information, there's a lot                         more to ogres than people think.                                     DONKEY                         Example?                                     SHREK                         Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions.                         (he holds out his onion)                                     DONKEY                         (sniffs the onion) They stink?                                     SHREK                         Yes - - No!                                     DONKEY                         They make you cry?                                     SHREK                         No!                                     DONKEY                         You leave them in the sun, they get                         all brown, start sproutin' little white                         hairs.                                     SHREK                         No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres                         have layers! Onions have layers. You                         get it? We both have layers. (he heaves                         a sigh and then walks off)                                     DONKEY                         (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both                         have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know,                         not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody                         loves cakes! Cakes have layers.                                     SHREK                         I don't care... what everyone likes.                         Ogres are not like cakes.                                     DONKEY                         You know what else everybody likes?                         Parfaits. Have you ever met a person,                         you say, "Let's get some parfait," they                         say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"?                         Parfaits are delicious.                                     SHREK                         No! You dense, irritating, miniature                         beast of burden! Ogres are like onions!                         And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.                                                             DONKEY                         Parfaits may be the most delicious thing                         on the whole damn planet.                                     SHREK                         You know, I think I preferred your humming.                                                             DONKEY                         Do you have a tissue or something? I'm                         making a mess. Just the word parfait                         make me start slobbering.               They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through               a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying               to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem,               so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out.               DRAGON'S KEEP               Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to               house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano.                                                   DONKEY                         (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?                         You gotta warn somebody before you just                         crack one off. My mouth was open and                         everything.                                     SHREK                         Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd                         be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We                         must be getting close.                                     DONKEY                         Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking                         about it's the brimstone. I know what                         I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It                         didn't come off no stone neither.                                       They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There               is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where               the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very               foreboding.                                     SHREK                         Sure, it's big enough, but look at the                         location. (laughs...then the laugh turns                         into a groan)                                     DONKEY                         Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said                         ogres have layers?                                     SHREK                         Oh, aye.                                     DONKEY                         Well, I have a bit of a confession to                         make. Donkeys don't have layers. We                         wear our fear right out there on our                         sleeves.                                     SHREK                         Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.                                                             DONKEY                         You know what I mean.                                     SHREK                         You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.                                                             DONKEY                         No, I'm just a little uncomfortable                         about being on a rickety bridge over                         a boiling like of lava!                                     SHREK                         Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside                         ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll                         just tackle this thing together one                         little baby step at a time.                                     DONKEY                         Really?                                     SHREK                         Really, really.                                     DONKEY                         Okay, that makes me feel so much better.                                                             SHREK                         Just keep moving. And don't look down.                                                             DONKEY                         Okay, don't look down. Don't look down.                         Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't                         look down. (he steps through a rotting                         board and ends up looking straight down                         into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down!                         Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me                         off, please!                                     SHREK                         But you're already halfway.                                     DONKEY                         But I know that half is safe!                                     SHREK                         Okay, fine. I don't have time for this.                         You go back.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, no! Wait!                                     SHREK                         Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance                         then, shall me? (bounces and sways the                         bridge)                                     DONKEY                         Don't do that!                                     SHREK                         Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces                         the bridge again)                                     DONKEY                         Yes, that!                                     SHREK                         Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to                         bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across                         the bridge)                                     DONKEY                         No, Shrek! No! Stop it!                                     SHREK                         You said do it! I'm doin' it.                                     DONKEY                         I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek,                         I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground)                         Oh!                                     SHREK                         That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks                         towards the castle)                                     DONKEY                         Cool. So where is this fire-breathing                         pain-in-the-neck anyway?                                     SHREK                         Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.                         (chuckles)                                     DONKEY                         I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.                                       INSIDE THE CASTLE                                     DONKEY                         You afraid?                                     SHREK                         No.                                     DONKEY                         But...                                     SHREK                         Shh.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton                         and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong                         with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible                         response to an unfamiliar situation.                         Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might                         add. With a dragon that breathes fire                         and eats knights and breathes fire,                         it sure doesn't mean you're a coward                         if you're a little scared. I sure as                         heck ain't no coward. I know that.                                                             SHREK                         Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up.                         Now go over there and see if you can                         find any stairs.                                     DONKEY                         Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for                         the princess.                                     SHREK                         (putting on a helmet) The princess will                         be up the stairs in the highest room                         in the tallest tower.                                     DONKEY                         What makes you think she'll be there?                                                             SHREK                         I read it in a book once. (walks off)                                                             DONKEY                         Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle                         the stairs. I'll find those stairs.                         I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs                         won't know which way they're goin'.                         (walks off)               EMPTY ROOM               Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room.                                                   DONKEY                         I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it                         to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm                         the stair master. I've mastered the                         stairs. I wish I had a step right here.                         I'd step all over it.               ELSEWHERE               Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window.                                     SHREK                         Well, at least we know where the princess                         is, but where's the...                                     DONKEY                         (os) Dragon!               Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again.               Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon               breathes fire.                                     SHREK                         Donkey, look out! (he manages to get                         a hold of the dragons tail and holds                         on) Got ya!               The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek               goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the               tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying               on the floor.                                     DONKEY                         Oh! Aah! Aah!               Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small               part of the bridge he's on.                                     DONKEY                         No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh,                         what large teeth you have. (the dragon                         growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth.                         I know you probably hear this all time                         from your food, but you must bleach,                         'cause that is one dazzling smile you                         got there. Do I detect a hint of minty                         freshness? And you know what else? You're                         - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure!                         I mean, of course you're a girl dragon.                         You're just reeking of feminine beauty.                         (the dragon begins fluttering her eyes                         at him) What's the matter with you?                         You got something in your eye? Ohh.                         Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay,                         but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon                         blows a smoke ring in the shape of a                         heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm                         an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd                         work out if you're gonna blow smoke                         rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him                         up with her teeth and carries him off)                         No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!               FIONA'S ROOM               Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona               so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She               then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off               the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep.               Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for               a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders               and shakes her away.                                     FIONA                         Oh! Oh!                                     SHREK                         Wake up!                                     FIONA                         What?                                     SHREK                         Are you Princess Fiona?                                     FIONA                         I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to                         rescue me.                                     SHREK                         Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!                                     FIONA                         But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our                         first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful,                         romantic moment?                                     SHREK                         Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.                                                             FIONA                         Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should                         sweep me off my feet out yonder window                         and down a rope onto your valiant steed.                                                             SHREK                         You've had a lot of time to plan this,                         haven't you?                                     FIONA                         (smiles) Mm-hmm.               Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down               the hallway.                                     FIONA                         But we have to savor this moment! You                         could recite an epic poem for me. A                         ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!                                                             SHREK                         I don't think so.                                     FIONA                         Can I at least know the name of my champion?                                                             SHREK                         Uh, Shrek.                                     FIONA                         Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds                         out a handkerchief) I pray that you                         take this favor as a token of my gratitude.                                                             SHREK                         Thanks!               Suddenly they hear the dragon roar.                                     FIONA                         (surprised)You didn't slay the dragon?                                                             SHREK                         It's on my to-do list. Now come on!                         (takes off running and drags Fiona behind                         him.)                                     FIONA                         But this isn't right! You were meant                         to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying.                         That's what all the other knights did.                                                             SHREK                         Yeah, right before they burst into flame.                                                             FIONA                         That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly                         stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek                         ignores her and heads for a wooden door                         off to the side.) Wait. Where are you                         going? The exit's over there.                                     SHREK                         Well, I have to save my ass.                                     FIONA                         What kind of knight are you?                                     SHREK                         One of a kind. (opens the door into                         the throne room)                                     DONKEY                         (os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please.                         I believe it's healthy to get to know                         someone over a long period of time.                         Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs                         worriedly) (we see him up close and                         from a distance as Shrek sneaks into                         the room) I don't want to rush into                         a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally                         ready for a commitment of, uh, this                         - - Magnitude really is the word I'm                         looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that                         is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what                         are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just                         back up a little and take this one step                         at a time. We really should get to know                         each other first as friends or pen pals.                         I'm on the road a lot, but I just love                         receiving cards - - I'd really love                         to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's                         my tail! That's my personal tail. You're                         gonna tear it off. I don't give permission                         - - What are you gonna do with that?                         Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No.                         No, no, no. No! Oh!               Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings               toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks               up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head.               He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps               Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him.               Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and               roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto               her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms               a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey               take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and               then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her.                                     DONKEY                         Hi, Princess!                                     FIONA                         It talks!                                     SHREK                         Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's                         the trick.               They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots               a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a               crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His               eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles               off and walks lightly.                                     SHREK                         Oh!               Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona.                                                   SHREK                         Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll                         take care of the dragon.               Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the               castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping               chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that               is still around the dragons neck.                                     SHREK                         (echoing) Run!               They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot               pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons               breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on               for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They               are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look               in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to               get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the               dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs               quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a               sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away.                                     FIONA                         (sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You                         did it! You rescued me! You're amazing.                         (behind her Donkey falls down the hill)                         You're - - You're wonderful. You're...                         (turns and sees Shrek fall down the                         hill and bump into Donkey) a little                         unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed                         is great, and thy heart is pure. I am                         eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears                         his throat.) And where would a brave                         knight be without his noble steed?                                                             DONKEY                         I hope you heard that. She called me                         a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.                                                             FIONA                         The battle is won. You may remove your                         helmet, good Sir Knight.                                     SHREK                         Uh, no.                                     FIONA                         Why not?                                     SHREK                         I have helmet hair.                                     FIONA                         Please. I would'st look upon the face                         of my rescuer.                                     SHREK                         No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.                                     FIONA                         But how will you kiss me?                                     SHREK                         What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the                         job description.                                     DONKEY                         Maybe it's a perk.                                     FIONA                         No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know                         how it goes. A princess locked in a                         tower and beset by a dragon is rescued                         by a brave knight, and then they share                         true love's first kiss.                                     DONKEY                         Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait.                         Wait. You think that Shrek is you true                         love?                                     FIONA                         Well, yes.               Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing.                                     DONKEY                         You think Shrek is your true love!                                                             FIONA                         What is so funny?                                     SHREK                         Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona:                         Of course, you are. You're my rescuer.                         Now - - Now remove your helmet.                                     SHREK                         Look. I really don't think this is a                         good idea.                                     FIONA                         Just take off the helmet.                                     SHREK                         I'm not going to.                                     FIONA                         Take it off.                                     SHREK                         No!                                     FIONA                         Now!                                     SHREK                         Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.                         (takes off his helmet)                                     FIONA                         You- - You're a- - an ogre.                                     SHREK                         Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.                                                             FIONA                         Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is                         all wrong. You're not supposed to be                         an ogre.                                     SHREK                         Princess, I was sent to rescue you by                         Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who                         wants to marry you.                                     FIONA                         Then why didn't he come rescue me?                                                             SHREK                         Good question. You should ask him that                         when we get there.                                     FIONA                         But I have to be rescued by my true                         love, not by some ogre and his- - his                         pet.                                     DONKEY                         Well, so much for noble steed.                                     SHREK                         You're not making my job any easier.                                                             FIONA                         I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem.                         You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he                         wants to rescue me properly, I'll be                         waiting for him right here.                                     SHREK                         Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all                         right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy.                         (he swiftly picks her up and swings                         her over his shoulder like she was a                         sack of potatoes)                                     FIONA                         You wouldn't dare. Put me down!                                     SHREK                         Ya comin', Donkey?                                     DONKEY                         I'm right behind ya.                                     FIONA                         Put me down, or you will suffer the                         consequences! This is not dignified!                         Put me down!               WOODS               A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just               hangs there limply while Shrek carries her.                                     DONKEY                         Okay, so here's another question. Say                         there's a woman that digs you, right,                         but you don't really like her that way.                         How do you let her down real easy so                         her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't                         get burned to a crisp and eaten?                                     FIONA                         You just tell her she's not your true                         love. Everyone knows what happens when                         you find your...(Shrek drops her on                         the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to                         DuLoc the better.                                     DONKEY                         You're gonna love it there, Princess.                         It's beautiful!                                     FIONA                         And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad?                         What's he like?                                     SHREK                         Let me put it this way, Princess. Men                         of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.                         (he and Donkey laugh)               Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off               the dust and grime.                                     DONKEY                         I don't know. There are those who think                         little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona:                         Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're                         just jealous you can never measure up                         to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.                                                             SHREK                         Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess.                         But I'll let you do the "measuring"                         when you see him tomorrow.                                     FIONA                         (looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow?                         It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop                         to make camp?                                     SHREK                         No, that'll take longer. We can keep                         going.                                     FIONA                         But there's robbers in the woods.                                     DONKEY                         Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting                         to sound good.                                     SHREK                         Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything                         we're going to see in this forest.                                                             FIONA                         I need to find somewhere to camp now!                                       Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her.                             MOUNTAIN CLIFF               Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves               a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave.                                     SHREK                         Hey! Over here.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, we can do better than that. I                         don't think this is fit for a princess.                                                             FIONA                         No, no, it's perfect. It just needs                         a few homey touches.                                     SHREK                         Homey touches? Like what? (he hears                         a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona                         who has torn the bark off of a tree.)                                                             FIONA                         A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee                         good night. (goes into the cave and                         puts the bark door up behind her)                                                             DONKEY                         You want me to read you a bedtime story?                         I will.                                     FIONA                         (os) I said good night!               Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the               boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona               still inside.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, What are you doing?                                     SHREK                         (laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh,                         come on. I was just kidding.               LATER THAT NIGHT               Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring               up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations               to Donkey.                                     SHREK                         And, uh, that one, that's Throwback,                         the only ogre to ever spit over three                         wheat fields.                                     DONKEY                         Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future                         from these stars?                                     SHREK                         The stars don't tell the future, Donkey.                         They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut,                         the Flatulent. You can guess what he's                         famous for.                                     DONKEY                         I know you're making this up.                                     SHREK                         No, look. There he is, and there's the                         group of hunters running away from his                         stench.                                     DONKEY                         That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little                         dots.                                     SHREK                         You know, Donkey, sometimes things are                         more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.                                                             DONKEY                         (heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what                         we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?                                                             SHREK                         Our swamp?                                     DONKEY                         You know, when we're through rescuing                         the princess.                                     SHREK                         We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's                         no "our". There's just me and my swamp.                         The first thing I'm gonna do is build                         a ten-foot wall around my land.                                     DONKEY                         You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real                         deep just now. You know what I think?                         I think this whole wall thing is just                         a way to keep somebody out.                                     SHREK                         No, do ya think?                                     DONKEY                         Are you hidin' something?                                     SHREK                         Never mind, Donkey.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, this is another one of those onion                         things, isn't it?                                     SHREK                         No, this is one of those drop-it and                         leave-it alone things.                                     DONKEY                         Why don't you want to talk about it?                                                             SHREK                         Why do you want to talk about it?                                     DONKEY                         Why are you blocking?                                     SHREK                         I'm not blocking.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, yes, you are.                                     SHREK                         Donkey, I'm warning you.                                     DONKEY                         Who you trying to keep out?                                     SHREK                         Everyone! Okay?                                     DONKEY                         (pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.                         (grins)               At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to               the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her.                                     SHREK                         Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and                         walks over to the edge of the cliff                         and sits down)                                     DONKEY                         What's your problem? What you got against                         the whole world anyway?                                     SHREK                         Look, I'm not the one with the problem,                         okay? It's the world that seems to have                         a problem with me. People take one look                         at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big,                         stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before                         they even know me. That's why I'm better                         off alone.                                     DONKEY                         You know what? When we met, I didn't                         think you was just a big, stupid, ugly                         ogre.                                     SHREK                         Yeah, I know.                                     DONKEY                         So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?                                                             SHREK                         Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small                         and Annoying.                                     DONKEY                         Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny                         one, right there. That one there?                                       Fiona puts the door back.                                     SHREK                         That's the moon.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, okay.               DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom               The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays               in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic               Mirror shows him Princess Fiona.                                     FARQUAAD                         Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror,                         show her to me. Show me the princess.                                                             MIRROR                         Hmph.               The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning.                                                   FARQUAAD                         Ah. Perfect.               Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up               to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly               at her image in the mirror.               MORNING               Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey               who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes               across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along               with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles               to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too               big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but               she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona               is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still               sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking               in his sleep.                                     DONKEY                         (quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like                         it like that. Come on, baby. I said                         I like it.                                     SHREK                         Donkey, wake up. (shakes him)                                     DONKEY                         Huh? What?                                     SHREK                         Wake up.                                     DONKEY                         What? (stretches and yawns)                                     FIONA                         Good morning. Hm, how do you like your                         eggs?                                     DONKEY                         Oh, good morning, Princess!               Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them.                                     SHREK                         What's all this about?                                     FIONA                         You know, we kind of got off to a bad                         start yesterday. I wanted to make it                         up to you. I mean, after all, you did                         rescue me.                                     SHREK                         Uh, thanks.               Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips.                                     FIONA                         Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead                         of us. (walks off)               LATER               They are once again on their way. They are walking through the               forest. Shrek belches.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek!                                     SHREK                         What? It's a compliment. Better out                         than in, I always say. (laughs)                                     DONKEY                         Well, it's no way to behave in front                         of a princess.               Fiona belches                                     FIONA                         Thanks.                                     DONKEY                         She's as nasty as you are.                                     SHREK                         (chuckles) You know, you're not exactly                         what I expected.                                     FIONA                         Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people                         before you get to know them.               She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly               from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into               a tree.                                     ROBIN HOOD                         La liberte! Hey!                                     SHREK                         Princess!                                     FIONA                         (to Robin Hood) What are you doing?                                                             ROBIN HOOD                         Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior!                         And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses                         up her arm while Fiona pulls back in                         disgust)...beast.                                     SHREK                         Hey! That's my princess! Go find you                         own!                                     ROBIN HOOD                         Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a                         little busy here?                                     FIONA                         (getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't                         know who you think you are!                                     ROBIN HOOD                         Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please                         let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men.                         (laughs)               Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out               from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song.                                     MERRY MEN                         Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.                                     ROBIN HOOD                         I steal from the rich and give to the                         needy.                                     MERRY MEN                         He takes a wee percentage,                                     ROBIN HOOD                         But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty                         damsels, man, I'm good.                                     MERRY MEN                         What a guy, Monsieur Hood.                                     ROBIN HOOD                         Break it down. I like an honest fight                         and a saucy little maid...                                     MERRY MEN                         What he's basically saying is he likes                         to get...                                     ROBIN HOOD                         Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush                         grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad.                                                             MERRY MEN                         That's bad.                                     ROBIN HOOD                         When a beauty's with a beast it makes                         me awfully mad.                                     MERRY MEN                         He's mad, he's really, really mad.                                                             ROBIN HOOD                         I'll take my blade and ram it through                         your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys                         'cause I'm about to start...               There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and               knocks Robin Hood unconscious.                                     FIONA                         Man, that was annoying!               Shrek looks at her in admiration.                                     MERRY MAN                         Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at                         Fiona but she ducks out of the way)                                       The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to               get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree.                             Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and               then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is               a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in               mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down,               and Fiona begins walking away.                                     FIONA                         Uh, shall we?                                     SHREK                         Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins                         walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa,                         whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come                         from?                                     FIONA                         What?                                     SHREK                         That! Back there. That was amazing!                         Where did you learn that?                                     FIONA                         Well...(laughs) when one lives alone,                         uh, one has to learn these things in                         case there's a...(gasps and points)                         there's an arrow in your butt!                                     SHREK                         What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you                         look at that? (he goes to pull it out                         but flinches because it's tender)                                                             FIONA                         Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so                         sorry.                                     DONKEY                         (walking up) Why? What's wrong?                                     FIONA                         Shrek's hurt.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no,                         Shrek's gonna die.                                     SHREK                         Donkey, I'm okay.                                     DONKEY                         You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm                         too young for you to die. Keep you legs                         elevated. Turn your head and cough.                         Does anyone know the Heimlich?                                     FIONA                         Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help                         Shrek, run into the woods and find me                         a blue flower with red thorns.                                     DONKEY                         Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on                         it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die                         Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay                         away from the light!                                     SHREK & FIONA                         Donkey!                                     DONKEY                         Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.                         (runs off)                                     SHREK                         What are the flowers for?                                     FIONA                         (like it's obvious) For getting rid                         of Donkey.                                     SHREK                         Ah.                                     FIONA                         Now you hold still, and I'll yank this                         thing out. (gives the arrow a little                         pull)                                     SHREK                         (jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the                         yankin'.               As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and               Shrek keeps dodging her hands.                                     FIONA                         I'm sorry, but it has to come out.                                                             SHREK                         No, it's tender.                                     FIONA                         Now, hold on.                                     SHREK                         What you're doing is the opposite of                         help.                                     FIONA                         Don't move.                                     SHREK                         Look, time out.                                     FIONA                         Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his                         hand over her face to stop her from                         getting at the arrow) Okay. What do                         you propose we do?               ELSEWHERE               Donkey is still looking for the special flower.                                     DONKEY                         Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower,                         red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns.                         This would be so much easier if I wasn't                         color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.                                                             SHREK                         (os) Ow!                                     DONKEY                         Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a                         flower off a nearby bush that just happens                         to be a blue flower with red thorns)                                       THE FOREST PATH                                     SHREK                         Ow! Not good.                                     FIONA                         Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.                         (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just                         about...                                     SHREK                         Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall                         over with Fiona on top of him)                                     DONKEY                         Ahem.                                     SHREK                         (throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing                         happend. We were just, uh - -                                     DONKEY                         Look, if you wanted to be alone, all                         you had to do was ask. Okay?                                     SHREK                         Oh, come on! That's the last thing on                         my mind. The princess here was just-                         - (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he                         turns to look at Fiona who holds up                         the arrow with a smile) Ow!                                     DONKEY                         Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle)                         That's...is that blood?               Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue               on their way.               There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc.               Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a               small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as               Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back               into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting               and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb               that's on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it               around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins               eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers.               Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting               it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning               it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group               arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc.               WINDMILL                                     SHREK                         There it is, Princess. Your future awaits                         you.                                     FIONA                         That's DuLoc?                                     DONKEY                         Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks                         Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,                         which I think means he has a really...(Shrek                         steps on his hoof) Ow!                                     SHREK                         Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move                         on.                                     FIONA                         Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried                         about Donkey.                                     SHREK                         What?                                     FIONA                         I mean, look at him. He doesn't look                         so good.                                     DONKEY                         What are you talking about? I'm fine.                                                             FIONA                         (kneels to look him in the eyes) That's                         what they always say, and then next                         thing you know, you're on your back.                         (pause) Dead.                                     SHREK                         You know, she's right. You look awful.                         Do you want to sit down?                                     FIONA                         Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.                                                             DONKEY                         I didn't want to say nothin', but I                         got this twinge in my neck, and when                         I turn my head like this, look, (turns                         his neck in a very sharp way until his                         head is completely sideways) Ow! See?                                                             SHREK                         Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.                                                             FIONA                         I'll get the firewood.                                     DONKEY                         Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't                         feel my toes! (looks down and yelps)                         I don't have any toes! I think I need                         a hug.               SUNSET               Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while               Fiona eats.                                     FIONA                         Mmm. This is good. This is really good.                         What is this?                                     SHREK                         Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style.                                     FIONA                         No kidding. Well, this is delicious.                                                             SHREK                         Well, they're also great in stews. Now,                         I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean                         weed rat stew. (chuckles)               Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs.                                     FIONA                         I guess I'll be dining a little differently                         tomorrow night.                                     SHREK                         Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp                         sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff                         for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare                         - - you name it.                                     FIONA                         (smiles) I'd like that.               They smiles at each other.                                     SHREK                         Um, Princess?                                     FIONA                         Yes, Shrek?                                     SHREK                         I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs)                         Are you gonna eat that?                                     DONKEY                         (chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic?                         Just look at that sunset.                                     FIONA                         (jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's                         late. I-It's very late.                                     SHREK                         What?                                     DONKEY                         Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on                         here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't                         you?                                     FIONA                         Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified.                         You know, I'd better go inside.                                     DONKEY                         Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to                         be afraid of the dark, too, until -                         - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of                         the dark.               Shrek sighs                                     FIONA                         Good night.                                     SHREK                         Good night.               Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks               at Shrek with a new eye.                                     DONKEY                         Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on                         here.                                     SHREK                         Oh, what are you talkin' about?                                     DONKEY                         I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm                         an animal, and I got instincts. And                         I know you two were diggin' on each                         other. I could feel it.                                     SHREK                         You're crazy. I'm just bringing her                         back to Farquaad.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell                         the pheromones. Just go on in and tell                         her how you feel.                                     SHREK                         I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides,                         even if I did tell her that, well, you                         know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause                         I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm                         - -                                     DONKEY                         An ogre?                                     SHREK                         Yeah. An ogre.                                     DONKEY                         Hey, where you goin'?                                     SHREK                         To get... move firewood. (sighs)               Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already               is.               TIME LAPSE               Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is               nowhere to be seen.                                     DONKEY                 ��       Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess,                         where are you? Princess?               Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her.                                                   DONKEY                         It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing                         no games.               Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't               look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking               out.                                     DONKEY                         Aah!                                     FIONA                         Oh, no!                                     DONKEY                         No, help!                                     FIONA                         Shh!                                     DONKEY                         Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!                                     FIONA                         No, it's okay. It's okay.                                     DONKEY                         What did you do with the princess?                                                             FIONA                         Donkey, I'm the princess.                                     DONKEY                         Aah!                                     FIONA                         It's me, in this body.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to                         her stomach) Can you hear me?                                     FIONA                         Donkey!                                     DONKEY                         (still aimed at her stomach) Listen,                         keep breathing! I'll get you out of                         there!                                     FIONA                         No!                                     DONKEY                         Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!                                     FIONA                         Shh.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek!                                     FIONA                         This is me.               Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets               down.                                     DONKEY                         Princess? What happened to you? You're,                         uh, uh, uh, different.                                     FIONA                         I'm ugly, okay?                                     DONKEY                         Well, yeah! Was it something you ate?                         'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a                         bad idea. You are what you eat, I said.                         Now - -                                     FIONA                         No. I - - I've been this way as long                         as I can remember.                                     DONKEY                         What do you mean? Look, I ain't never                         seen you like this before.                                     FIONA                         It only happens when sun goes down.                         "By night one way, by day another. This                         shall be the norm... until you find                         true love's first kiss... and then take                         love's true form."                                     DONKEY                         Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know                         you wrote poetry.                                     FIONA                         It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little                         girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every                         night I become this. This horrible,                         ugly beast! I was placed in a tower                         to await the day my true love would                         rescue me. That's why I have to marry                         Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun                         sets and he sees me like this. (begins                         to cry)                                     DONKEY                         All right, all right. Calm down. Look,                         it's not that bad. You're not that ugly.                         Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly.                         But you only look like this at night.                         Shrek's ugly 24-7.                                     FIONA                         But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this                         is not how a princess is meant to look.                                                             DONKEY                         Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry                         Farquaad?                                     FIONA                         I have to. Only my true love's kiss                         can break the spell.                                     DONKEY                         But, you know, um, you're kind of an                         orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a                         lot in common.                                     FIONA                         Shrek?               OUTSIDE               Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his               hand.                                     SHREK                         (to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's                         it going, first of all? Good? Um, good                         for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower                         and thought of you because it's pretty                         and - - well, I don't really like it,                         but I thought you might like it 'cause                         you're pretty. But I like you anyway.                         I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble.                         Okay, here we go.               He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey               and Fiona talking.                                     FIONA                         (os) I can't just marry whoever I want.                         Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean,                         really, who can ever love a beast so                         hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly"                         don't go together. That's why I can't                         stay here with Shrek.               Shrek steps back in shock.                                     FIONA                         (os) My only chance to live happily                         ever after is to marry my true love.                                       Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks               away.               INSIDE                                     FIONA                         Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how                         it has to be. It's the only way to break                         the spell.                                     DONKEY                         You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.                                                             FIONA                         No! You can't breathe a word. No one                         must ever know.                                     DONKEY                         What's the point of being able to talk                         if you gotta keep secrets?                                     FIONA                         Promise you won't tell. Promise!                                     DONKEY                         All right, all right. I won't tell him.                         But you should. (goes outside) I just                         know before this is over, I'm gonna                         need a whole lot of serious therapy.                         Look at my eye twitchin'.               Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks               down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back               inside the windmill.               MORNING               Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still               awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower.                                     FIONA                         I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him,                         I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly                         runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek!                         Shrek, there's something I want...(she                         looks and sees the rising sun, and as                         the sun crests the sky she turns back                         into a human.)               Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards               her.                                     FIONA                         Shrek. Are you all right?                                     SHREK                         Perfect! Never been better.                                     FIONA                         I - - I don't - - There's something                         I have to tell you.                                     SHREK                         You don't have to tell me anything,                         Princess. I heard enough last night.                                                             FIONA                         You heard what I said?                                     SHREK                         Every word.                                     FIONA                         I thought you'd understand.                                     SHREK                         Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who                         could love a hideous, ugly beast?"                                                             FIONA                         But I thought that wouldn't matter to                         you.                                     SHREK                         Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at                         him in shock. He looks past her and                         spots a group approaching.) Ah, right                         on time. Princess, I've brought you                         a little something.               Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal               sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only               like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers               march by.                                     DONKEY                         What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots                         the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that?                         Couldn't have been the donkey.                                     FARQUAAD                         Princess Fiona.                                     SHREK                         As promised. Now hand it over.                                     FARQUAAD                         Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece                         of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared                         out, as agreed. Take it and go before                         I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper)                         Forgive me, Princess, for startling                         you, but you startled me, for I have                         never seen such a radiant beauty before.                         I'm Lord Farquaad.                                     FIONA                         Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad                         snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord,                         for I was just saying a short... (Watches                         as Farquaad is lifted off his horse                         and set down in front of her. He comes                         to her waist.) farewell.                                     FARQUAAD                         Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have                         to waste good manners on the ogre. It's                         not like it has feelings.                                     FIONA                         No, you're right. It doesn't.               Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face.                                                   FARQUAAD                         Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless                         Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.                         Will you be the perfect bride for the                         perfect groom?                                     FIONA                         Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would                         make - -                                     FARQUAAD                         (interrupting) Excellent! I'll start                         the plans, for tomorrow we wed!                                     FIONA                         No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get                         married today before the sun sets.                                                             FARQUAAD                         Oh, anxious, are you? You're right.                         The sooner, the better. There's so much                         to do! There's the caterer, the cake,                         the band, the guest list. Captain, round                         up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona                         on the back of his horse)                                     FIONA                         Fare-thee-well, ogre.               Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches               them go.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting                         her get away.                                     SHREK                         Yeah? So what?                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, there's something about her you                         don't know. Look, I talked to her last                         night, She's - -                                     SHREK                         I know you talked to her last night.                         You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if                         you two are such good friends, why don't                         you follow her home?                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.                                     SHREK                         I told you, didn't I? You're not coming                         home with me. I live alone! My swamp!                         Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody!                         Especially useless, pathetic, annoying,                         talking donkeys!                                     DONKEY                         But I thought - -                                     SHREK                         Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong!                         (stomps off)                                     DONKEY                         Shrek.               Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona               being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running               into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner               alone. Shrek eating dinner alone.               SHREK'S HOME               Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes               outside to investigate.                                     SHREK                         Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues                         with what he's doing.) What are you                         doing?                                     DONKEY                         I would think, of all people, you would                         recognize a wall when you see one.                                                             SHREK                         Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed                         to go around my swamp, not through it.                                                             DONKEY                         It is around your half. See that's your                         half, and this is my half.                                     SHREK                         Oh! Your half. Hmm.                                     DONKEY                         Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess.                         I did half the work. I get half the                         booty. Now hand me that big old rock,                         the one that looks like your head.                                                             SHREK                         Back off!                                     DONKEY                         No, you back off.                                     SHREK                         This is my swamp!                                     DONKEY                         Our swamp.                                     SHREK                         (grabs the tree branch Donkey is working                         with) Let go, Donkey!                                     DONKEY                         You let go.                                     SHREK                         Stubborn jackass!                                     DONKEY                         Smelly ogre.                                     SHREK                         Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks                         away)                                     DONKEY                         Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through                         with you yet.                                     SHREK                         Well, I'm through with you.                                     DONKEY                         Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always,                         "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now                         it's my turn! So you just shut up and                         pay attention! You are mean to me. You                         insult me and you don't appreciate anything                         that I do! You're always pushing me                         around or pushing me away.                                     SHREK                         Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so                         bad, how come you came back?                                     DONKEY                         Because that's what friends do! They                         forgive each other!                                     SHREK                         Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive                         you... for stabbin' me in the back!                         (goes into the outhouse and slams the                         door)                                     DONKEY                         Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers,                         onion boy, you're afraid of your own                         feelings.                                     SHREK                         (os) Go away!                                     DONKEY                         There you are , doing it again just                         like you did to Fiona. All she ever                         do was like you, maybe even love you.                                                             SHREK                         (os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a                         hideous creature. I heard the two of                         you talking.                                     DONKEY                         She wasn't talkin' about you. She was                         talkin' about, uh, somebody else.                                                             SHREK                         (opens the door and comes out) She wasn't                         talking about me? Well, then who was                         she talking about?                                     DONKEY                         Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything.                         You don't wanna listen to me. Right?                         Right?                                     SHREK                         Donkey!                                     DONKEY                         No!                                     SHREK                         Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh)                         I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big,                         stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?                                                             DONKEY                         Hey, that's what friends are for, right?                                                             SHREK                         Right. Friends?                                     DONKEY                         Friends.                                     SHREK                         So, um, what did Fiona say about me?                                                             DONKEY                         What are you asking me for? Why don't                         you just go ask her?                                     SHREK                         The wedding! We'll never make it in                         time.                                     DONKEY                         Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's                         a will, there's a way and I have a way.                         (whistles)               Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so               they can climb on.                                     SHREK                         Donkey?                                     DONKEY                         I guess it's just my animal magnetism.                                       They both laugh.                                     SHREK                         Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a                         noogie)                                     DONKEY                         All right, all right. Don't get all                         slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All                         right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't                         had a chance to install the seat belts                         yet.               They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc.               DULOC - CHURCH               Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there.               The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'.                                                   PRIEST                         People of DuLoc, we gather here today                         to bear witness to the union....                                     FIONA                         (eyeing the setting sun) Um-                                     PRIEST                         ...of our new king...                                     FIONA                         Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead                         to the "I do's"?                                     FARQUAAD                         (chuckles and then motions to the priest                         to indulge Fiona) Go on.               COURTYARD               Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with               a boom. The guards all take off running.                                     DONKEY                         (to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN.                         If we need you, I'll whistle. How about                         that? (she nods and goes after the guards)                         Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You                         wanna do this right, don't you?                                     SHREK                         (at the Church door) What are you talking                         about?                                     DONKEY                         There's a line you gotta wait for. The                         preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or                         forever hold your peace." That's when                         you say, "I object!"                                     SHREK                         I don't have time for this!                                     DONKEY                         Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen                         to me! Look, you love this woman, don't                         you?                                     SHREK                         Yes.                                     DONKEY                         You wanna hold her?                                     SHREK                         Yes.                                     DONKEY                         Please her?                                     SHREK                         Yes!                                     DONKEY                         (singing James Brown style) Then you                         got to, got to try a little tenderness.                         (normal) The chicks love that romantic                         crap!                                     SHREK                         All right! Cut it out. When does this                         guy say the line?                                     DONKEY                         We gotta check it out.               INSIDE CHURCH               As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the               windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see.                                     PRIEST                         And so, by the power vested in me...                                       Outside                                     SHREK                         What do you see?                                     DONKEY                         The whole town's in there.               Inside                                     PRIEST                         I now pronounce you husband and wife...                                       Outside                                     DONKEY                         They're at the altar.               Inside                                     PRIEST                         ...king and queen.               Outside                                     DONKEY                         Mother Fletcher! He already said it.                                                             SHREK                         Oh, for the love of Pete!               He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard.                             INSIDE CHURCH                                     SHREK                         (running toward the alter) I object!                                                             FIONA                         Shrek?               The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek.                                     FARQUAAD                         Oh, now what does he want?                                     SHREK                         (to congregation as he reaches the front                         of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin'                         a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first                         of all. Very clean.                                     FIONA                         What are you doing here?                                     SHREK                         Really, it's rude enough being alive                         when no one wants you, but showing up                         uninvited to a wedding...                                     SHREK                         Fiona! I need to talk to you.                                     FIONA                         Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little                         late for that, so if you'll excuse me                         - -                                     SHREK                         But you can't marry him.                                     FIONA                         And why not?                                     SHREK                         Because- - Because he's just marring                         you so he can be king.                                     FARQUAAD                         Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.                                                             SHREK                         He's not your true love.                                     FIONA                         And what do you know about true love?                                                             SHREK                         Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -                                     FARQUAAD                         Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen                         in love with the princess! Oh, good                         Lord. (laughs)               The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The               whole congregation laughs.                                     FARQUAAD                         An ogre and a princess!                                     FIONA                         Shrek, is this true?                                     FARQUAAD                         Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona,                         my love, we're but a kiss away from                         our "happily ever after." Now kiss me!                         (puckers his lips and leans toward her,                         but she pulls back.)                                     FIONA                         (looking at the setting sun) "By night                         one way, by day another." (to Shrek)                         I wanted to show you before.               She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self.               She gives Shrek a sheepish smile.                                     SHREK                         Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona                         smiles)                                     FARQUAAD                         Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards!                         I order you to get that out of my sight                         now! Get them! Get them both!               The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights               them.                                     SHREK                         No, no!                                     FIONA                         Shrek!                                     FARQUAAD                         This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This                         marriage is binding, and that makes                         me king! See? See?                                     FIONA                         No, let go of me! Shrek!                                     SHREK                         No!                                     FARQUAAD                         Don't just stand there, you morons.                                                             SHREK                         Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!                                     FARQUAAD                         I'll make you regret the day we met.                         I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll                         beg for death to save you!                                     FIONA                         No, Shrek!                                     FARQUAAD                         (hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And                         as for you, my wife...                                     SHREK                         Fiona!                                     FARQUAAD                         I'll have you locked back in that tower                         for the rest of your days! I'm king!                                       Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles.                                     FARQUAAD                         I will have order! I will have perfection!                         I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon                         show up and the dragon leans down and                         eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah!                                     DONKEY                         All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon                         here, and I'm not afraid to use it.                         (The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on                         the edge!               The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth               and falls to the ground.                                     DONKEY                         Celebrity marriages. They never last,                         do they?               The congregation cheers.                                     DONKEY                         Go ahead, Shrek.                                     SHREK                         Uh, Fiona?                                     FIONA                         Yes, Shrek?                                     SHREK                         I - - I love you.                                     FIONA                         Really?                                     SHREK                         Really, really.                                     FIONA                         (smiles) I love you too.               Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes               'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation.                                                   CONGREGATION                         Aawww!               Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted               up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around               her.                                     WHISPERS                         "Until you find true love's first kiss                         and then take love's true form. Take                         love's true form. Take love's true form."                                       Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell               and then is slowly lowered to the ground.                                     SHREK                         (going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are                         you all right?                                     FIONA                         (standing up, she's still an ogre) Well,                         yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed                         to be beautiful.                                     SHREK                         But you ARE beautiful.               They smile at each other.                                     DONKEY                         (chuckles) I was hoping this would be                         a happy ending.               Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into...               THE SWAMP               ...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm               a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek               and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting               carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet               which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end               up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet               instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now               has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona               walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over               singing the song.                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         God bless us, every one.                                     DONKEY                         (as he's done singing and we fade to                         black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't                         breathe. I can't breathe.               THE END

[precious-bunny]

                                  SHREK                         Once upon a time there was a lovely                         princess. But she had an enchantment                         upon her of a fearful sort which could                         only be broken by love's first kiss.                         She was locked away in a castle guarded                         by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.                         Many brave knights had attempted to                         free her from this dreadful prison,                         but non prevailed. She waited in the                         dragon's keep in the highest room of                         the tallest tower for her true love                         and true love's first kiss. (laughs)                         Like that's ever gonna happen. What                         a load of - (toilet flush)               Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his               day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go               after the ogre.               NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME                                     MAN1                         Think it's in there?                                     MAN2                         All right. Let's get it!                                     MAN1                         Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that                         thing can do to you?                                     MAN3                         Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's                         bread.               Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.                                     SHREK                         Yes, well, actually, that would be a                         giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse.                         They'll make a suit from your freshly                         peeled skin.                                     MEN                         No!                                     SHREK                         They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the                         jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's                         quite good on toast.                                     MAN1                         Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!                         (waves the torch at Shrek.)               Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The               men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long               and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the               men are in the dark.                                     SHREK                         This is the part where you run away.                         (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.)                         And stay out! (looks down and picks                         up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted.                         Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and                         throws the paper over his shoulder.)                                       THE NEXT DAY               There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard               sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures               to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line               are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto               who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three               little pigs.                                     GUARD                         All right. This one's full. Take it                         away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!                                                             HEAD GUARD                         Next!                                     GUARD                         (taking the witch's broom) Give me that!                         Your flying days are over. (breaks the                         broom in half)                                     HEAD GUARD                         That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch.                         Next!                                     GUARD                         Get up! Come on!                                     HEAD GUARD                         Twenty pieces.                                     LITTLE BEAR                         (crying) This cage is too small.                                     DONKEY                         Please, don't turn me in. I'll never                         be stubborn again. I can change. Please!                         Give me another chance!                                     OLD WOMAN                         Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)                                     DONKEY                         Oh!                                     HEAD GUARD                         Next! What have you got?                                     GIPETTO                         This little wooden puppet.                                     PINOCCHIO                         I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his                         nose grows)                                     HEAD GUARD                         Five shillings for the possessed toy.                         Take it away.                                     PINOCCHIO                         Father, please! Don't let them do this!                         Help me!               Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up               to the table.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Next! What have you got?                                     OLD WOMAN                         Well, I've got a talking donkey.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings,                         if you can prove it.                                     OLD WOMAN                         Oh, go ahead, little fella.               Donkey just looks up at her.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Well?                                     OLD WOMAN                         Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little                         nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox.                         Talk, you boneheaded dolt...                                     HEAD GUARD                         That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!                                                             OLD WOMAN                         No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends                         to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to                         talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing                         you ever saw.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Get her out of my sight.                                     OLD WOMAN                         No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!               The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One               of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's               hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled               with fairy dust and he's able to fly.                                     DONKEY                         Hey! I can fly!                                     PETER PAN                         He can fly!                                     3 LITTLE PIGS                         He can fly!                                     HEAD GUARD                         He can talk!                                     DONKEY                         Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm                         a flying, talking donkey. You might                         have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly                         but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey                         fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins                         to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink                         to the ground.)               He hits the ground with a thud.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.)                         After him!                                     GUARDS                         He's getting away! Get him! This way!                         Turn!               Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally.               Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared               for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He               quickly hides behind Shrek.                                     HEAD GUARD                         You there. Ogre!                                     SHREK                         Aye?                                     HEAD GUARD                         By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized                         to place you both under arrest and transport                         you to a designated resettlement facility.                                                             SHREK                         Oh, really? You and what army?               He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well               and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail               and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and               begins walking back to his cottage.                                     DONKEY                         Can I say something to you? Listen,                         you was really, really, really somethin'                         back here. Incredible!                                     SHREK                         Are you talkin' to...(he turns around                         and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back                         around and Donkey is right in front                         of him.) Whoa!                                     DONKEY                         Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell                         you that you that you was great back                         here? Those guards! They thought they                         was all of that. Then you showed up,                         and bam! They was trippin' over themselves                         like babes in the woods. That really                         made me feel good to see that.                                     SHREK                         Oh, that's great. Really.                                     DONKEY                         Man, it's good to be free.                                     SHREK                         Now, why don't you go celebrate your                         freedom with your own friends? Hmm?                                                             DONKEY                         But, uh, I don't have any friends. And                         I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey,                         wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll                         stick with you. You're mean, green,                         fightin' machine. Together we'll scare                         the spit out of anybody that crosses                         us.               Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very               loudly.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you                         don't mind me sayin', if that don't                         work, your breath certainly will get                         the job done, 'cause you definitely                         need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause                         you breath stinks! You almost burned                         the hair outta my nose, just like the                         time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey                         continues to talk, so Shrek removes                         his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten                         berries. I had strong gases leaking                         out of my butt that day.                                     SHREK                         Why are you following me?                                     DONKEY                         I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause                         I'm all alone, There's no one here beside                         me, My problems have all gone, There's                         no one to deride me, But you gotta have                         faith...                                     SHREK                         Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't                         have any friends.                                     DONKEY                         Wow. Only a true friend would be that                         cruelly honest.                                     SHREK                         Listen, little donkey. Take a look at                         me. What am I?                                     DONKEY                         (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really                         tall?                                     SHREK                         No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your                         torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that                         bother you?                                     DONKEY                         Nope.                                     SHREK                         Really?                                     DONKEY                         Really, really.                                     SHREK                         Oh.                                     DONKEY                         Man, I like you. What's you name?                                     SHREK                         Uh, Shrek.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek? Well, you know what I like about                         you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me                         thing. I like that. I respect that,                         Shrek. You all right. (They come over                         a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.)                         Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live                         in place like that?                                     SHREK                         That would be my home.                                     DONKEY                         Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful.                         You know you are quite a decorator.                         It's amazing what you've done with such                         a modest budget. I like that boulder.                         That is a nice boulder. I guess you                         don't entertain much, do you?                                     SHREK                         I like my privacy.                                     DONKEY                         You know, I do too. That's another thing                         we have in common. Like I hate it when                         you got somebody in your face. You've                         trying to give them a hint, and they                         won't leave. There's that awkward silence.                         (awkward silence) Can I stay with you?                                                             SHREK                         Uh, what?                                     DONKEY                         Can I stay with you, please?                                     SHREK                         (sarcastically) Of course!                                     DONKEY                         Really?                                     SHREK                         No.                                     DONKEY                         Please! I don't wanna go back there!                         You don't know what it's like to be                         considered a freak. (pause while he                         looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do.                         But that's why we gotta stick together.                         You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!                                                             SHREK                         Okay! Okay! But one night only.                                     DONKEY                         Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage)                                                             SHREK                         What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto                         a chair.) No! No!                                     DONKEY                         This is gonna be fun! We can stay up                         late, swappin' manly stories, and in                         the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.                                     SHREK                         Oh!                                     DONKEY                         Where do, uh, I sleep?                                     SHREK                         (irritated) Outside!                                     DONKEY                         Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean,                         I don't know you, and you don't know                         me, so I guess outside is best, you                         know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek                         slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do                         like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was                         born outside. I'll just be sitting by                         myself outside, I guess, you know. By                         myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's                         no one here beside me...               SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT               Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights               a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a               noise. He stands up with a huff.                                     SHREK                         (to Donkey) I thought I told you to                         stay outside.                                     DONKEY                         (from the window) I am outside.               There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that               made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns               and spots 3 blind mice on his table.                                     BLIND MOUSE1                         Well, gents, it's a far cry from the                         farm, but what choice do we have?                                                             BLIND MOUSE2                         It's not home, but it'll do just fine.                                                             GORDO                         (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.                                                             SHREK                         Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes                         and lands on his shoulder.)                                     GORDO                         I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's                         ear)                                     SHREK                         Ow!                                     GORDO                         Blah! Awful stuff.                                     BLIND MOUSE1                         Is that you, Gordo?                                     GORDO                         How did you know?                                     SHREK                         Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are                         you doing in my house? (He gets bumped                         from behind and he drops the mice.)                         Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves                         with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no,                         no, no. Dead broad off the table.                                                             DWARF                         Where are we supposed to put her? The                         bed's taken.                                     SHREK                         Huh?               Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain.               The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at               him.                                     BIG BAD WOLF                         What?               TIME LAPSE               Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging               him to the front door.                                     SHREK                         I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm                         a terrifying ogre! What do I have to                         do get a little privacy? (He opens the                         front door to throw the Wolf out and                         he sees that all the collected Fairy                         Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh,                         no. No! No!               The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his               pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing               flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc.                                                   SHREK                         What are you doing in my swamp? (this                         echoes and everyone falls silent.)                                       Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a               tent.                                     SHREK                         All right, get out of here. All of you,                         move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya!                         Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more                         dwarves run inside the house) No, no!                         No, no. Not there. Not there. (they                         shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to                         look at Donkey)                                     DONKEY                         Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite                         them.                                     PINOCCHIO                         Oh, gosh, no one invited us.                                     SHREK                         What?                                     PINOCCHIO                         We were forced to come here.                                     SHREK                         (flabbergasted) By who?                                     LITTLE PIG                         Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed                         and he...signed an eviction notice.                                                             SHREK                         (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where                         this Farquaad guy is?               Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, I do. I know where he is.                                     SHREK                         Does anyone else know where to find                         him? Anyone at all?                                     DONKEY                         Me! Me!                                     SHREK                         Anyone?                                     DONKEY                         Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know!                         Me, me!                                     SHREK                         (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy                         tale things. Do not get comfortable.                         Your welcome is officially worn out.                         In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad                         right now and get you all off my land                         and back where you came from! (Pause.                         Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey)                         You! You're comin' with me.                                     DONKEY                         All right, that's what I like to hear,                         man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart                         friends, off on a whirlwind big-city                         adventure. I love it!                                     DONKEY                         (singing) On the road again. Sing it                         with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get                         on the road again.                                     SHREK                         What did I say about singing?                                     DONKEY                         Can I whistle?                                     SHREK                         No.                                     DONKEY                         Can I hum it?                                     SHREK                         All right, hum it.               Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.               DULOC - KITCHEN               A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually               dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in.                                     FARQUAAD                         That's enough. He's ready to talk.                                       The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down               onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the               table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes               up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.                                                   FARQUAAD                         (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs                         and plays with them) Run, run, run,                         as fast as you can. You can't catch                         me. I'm the gingerbread man.                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         You are a monster.                                     FARQUAAD                         I'm not the monster here. You are. You                         and the rest of that fairy tale trash,                         poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell                         me! Where are the others?                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's                         eye.)                                     FARQUAAD                         I've tried to be fair to you creatures.                         Now my patience has reached its end!                         Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to                         pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons)                                                             GINGERBREAD MAN                         No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop                         buttons.                                     FARQUAAD                         All right then. Who's hiding them?                                                             GINGERBREAD MAN                         Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the                         muffin man?                                     FARQUAAD                         The muffin man?                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         The muffin man.                                     FARQUAAD                         Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives                         on Drury Lane?                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         Well, she's married to the muffin man.                                                             FARQUAAD                         The muffin man?                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         The muffin man!                                     FARQUAAD                         She's married to the muffin man.               The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.                                     HEAD GUARD                         My lord! We found it.                                     FARQUAAD                         Then what are you waiting for? Bring                         it in.               More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet.               They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic               Mirror.                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         (in awe) Ohhhh...                                     FARQUAAD                         Magic mirror...                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks                         him up and dumps him into a trash can                         with a lid.) No!                                     FARQUAAD                         Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall.                         Is this not the most perfect kingdom                         of them all?                                     MIRROR                         Well, technically you're not a king.                                                             FARQUAAD                         Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a                         hand mirror and smashes it with his                         fist.) You were saying?                                     MIRROR                         What I mean is you're not a king yet.                         But you can become one. All you have                         to do is marry a princess.                                     FARQUAAD                         Go on.                                     MIRROR                         (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back                         and relax, my lord, because it's time                         for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes.                         And here they are! Bachelorette number                         one is a mentally abused shut-in from                         a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi                         and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies                         include cooking and cleaning for her                         two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.                         (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette                         number two is a cape-wearing girl from                         the land of fancy. Although she lives                         with seven other men, she's not easy.                         Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and                         find out what a live wire she is. Come                         on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows                         picture of Snow White) And last, but                         certainly not last, bachelorette number                         three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded                         castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!                         But don't let that cool you off. She's                         a loaded pistol who likes pina colads                         and getting caught in the rain. Yours                         for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows                         picture of Princess Fiona) So will it                         be bachelorette number one, bachelorette                         number two or bachelorette number three?                                                             GUARDS                         Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!                                                             FARQUAAD                         Three? One? Three?                                     THELONIUS                         Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number                         three, my lord!                                     FARQUAAD                         Okay, okay, uh, number three!                                     MIRROR                         Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess                         Fiona.                                     FARQUAAD                         Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I                         have to do is just find someone who                         can go...                                     MIRROR                         But I probably should mention the little                         thing that happens at night.                                     FARQUAAD                         I'll do it.                                     MIRROR                         Yes, but after sunset...                                     FARQUAAD                         Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona                         my queen, and DuLoc will finally have                         the perfect king! Captain, assemble                         your finest men. We're going to have                         a tournament. (smiles evilly)               DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section               Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking               lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.                                     DONKEY                         But that's it. That's it right there.                         That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.                                                             SHREK                         So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.                                                             DONKEY                         Uh-huh. That's the place.                                     SHREK                         Do you think maybe he's compensating                         for something? (He laughs, but then                         groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke.                         He continues walking through the parking                         lot.)                                     DONKEY                         Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.                                     MAN                         Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.                                                             SHREK                         Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing                         a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad,                         screams and begins running through the                         rows of rope to get to the front gate                         to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second.                         Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just                         - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins                         walking straight through the rows. The                         attendant runs into a wall and falls                         down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then                         continue on into DuLoc.)               DULOC               They look around but all is quiet.                                     SHREK                         It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?                                                             DONKEY                         Hey, look at this!               Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box               marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors               open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin               to sing.                                     WOODEN PEOPLE                         Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town                                       Here we have some rules               Let us lay them down               Don't make waves, stay in line               And we'll get along fine               DuLoc is perfect place               Please keep off of the grass               Shine your shoes, wipe your... face               DuLoc is, DuLoc is               DuLoc is perfect place.               Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture.                                     DONKEY                         Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready                         to run over and pull the lever again)                                                             SHREK                         (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still)                         No. No. No, no, no! No.               They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.                                     FARQUAAD                         Brave knights. You are the best and                         brightest in all the land. Today one                         of you shall prove himself...               As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena               Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song.                                     SHREK                         All right. You're going the right way                         for a smacked bottom.                                     DONKEY                         Sorry about that.                                     FARQUAAD                         That champion shall have the honor -                         - no, no - - the privilege to go forth                         and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona                         from the fiery keep of the dragon. If                         for any reason the winner is unsuccessful,                         the first runner-up will take his place                         and so on and so forth. Some of you                         may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing                         to make. (cheers) Let the tournament                         begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is                         that? It's hideous!                                     SHREK                         (turns to look at Donkey and then back                         at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice.                         It's just a donkey.                                     FARQUAAD                         Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who                         kills the ogre will be named champion!                         Have it him!                                     MEN                         Get him!                                     SHREK                         Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps                         into a table where there are mugs of                         beer)                                     CROWD                         Go ahead! Get him!                                     SHREK                         (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just                         settle this over a pint?                                     CROWD                         Kill the beast!                                     SHREK                         No? All right then. (drinks the beer)                         Come on!               He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel               of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the               other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides               past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped.               As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger               beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll.               Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much               fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice               to say that Shrek kicks butt.                                     DONKEY                         Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!               Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek               gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.                                     SHREK                         Yeah!               A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time               and sees him.                                     WOMAN                         The chair! Give him the chair!               Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men               are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding               sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.                                     SHREK                         Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you                         very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try                         the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)               The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on               Shrek.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Shall I give the order, sir?                                     FARQUAAD                         No, I have a better idea. People of                         DuLoc, I give you our champion!                                     SHREK                         What?                                     FARQUAAD                         Congratulations, ogre. You're won the                         honor of embarking on a great and noble                         quest.                                     SHREK                         Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest                         to get my swamp back.                                     FARQUAAD                         Your swamp?                                     SHREK                         Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those                         fairy tale creatures!                                     FARQUAAD                         Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you                         a deal. Go on this quest for me, and                         I'll give you your swamp back.                                     SHREK                         Exactly the way it was?                                     FARQUAAD                         Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.                                                             SHREK                         And the squatters?                                     FARQUAAD                         As good as gone.                                     SHREK                         What kind of quest?               Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field               heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.                                     DONKEY                         Let me get this straight. You're gonna                         go fight a dragon and rescue a princess                         just so Farquaad will give you back                         a swamp which you only don't have because                         he filled it full of freaks in the first                         place. Is that about right?                                     SHREK                         You know, maybe there's a good reason                         donkeys shouldn't talk.                                     DONKEY                         I don't get it. Why don't you just pull                         some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle                         him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds                         his bones to make your bread, the whole                         ogre trip.                                     SHREK                         Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have                         decapitated an entire village and put                         their heads on a pike, gotten a knife,                         cut open their spleen and drink their                         fluids. Does that sound good to you?                                                             DONKEY                         Uh, no, not really, no.                                     SHREK                         For your information, there's a lot                         more to ogres than people think.                                     DONKEY                         Example?                                     SHREK                         Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions.                         (he holds out his onion)                                     DONKEY                         (sniffs the onion) They stink?                                     SHREK                         Yes - - No!                                     DONKEY                         They make you cry?                                     SHREK                         No!                                     DONKEY                         You leave them in the sun, they get                         all brown, start sproutin' little white                         hairs.                                     SHREK                         No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres                         have layers! Onions have layers. You                         get it? We both have layers. (he heaves                         a sigh and then walks off)                                     DONKEY                         (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both                         have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know,                         not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody                         loves cakes! Cakes have layers.                                     SHREK                         I don't care... what everyone likes.                         Ogres are not like cakes.                                     DONKEY                         You know what else everybody likes?                         Parfaits. Have you ever met a person,                         you say, "Let's get some parfait," they                         say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"?                         Parfaits are delicious.                                     SHREK                         No! You dense, irritating, miniature                         beast of burden! Ogres are like onions!                         And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.                                                             DONKEY                         Parfaits may be the most delicious thing                         on the whole damn planet.                                     SHREK                         You know, I think I preferred your humming.                                                             DONKEY                         Do you have a tissue or something? I'm                         making a mess. Just the word parfait                         make me start slobbering.               They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through               a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying               to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem,               so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out.               DRAGON'S KEEP               Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to               house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano.                                                   DONKEY                         (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?                         You gotta warn somebody before you just                         crack one off. My mouth was open and                         everything.                                     SHREK                         Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd                         be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We                         must be getting close.                                     DONKEY                         Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking                         about it's the brimstone. I know what                         I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It                         didn't come off no stone neither.                                       They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There               is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where               the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very               foreboding.                                     SHREK                         Sure, it's big enough, but look at the                         location. (laughs...then the laugh turns                         into a groan)                                     DONKEY                         Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said                         ogres have layers?                                     SHREK                         Oh, aye.                                     DONKEY                         Well, I have a bit of a confession to                         make. Donkeys don't have layers. We                         wear our fear right out there on our                         sleeves.                                     SHREK                         Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.                                                             DONKEY                         You know what I mean.                                     SHREK                         You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.                                                             DONKEY                         No, I'm just a little uncomfortable                         about being on a rickety bridge over                         a boiling like of lava!                                     SHREK                         Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside                         ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll                         just tackle this thing together one                         little baby step at a time.                                     DONKEY                         Really?                                     SHREK                         Really, really.                                     DONKEY                         Okay, that makes me feel so much better.                                                             SHREK                         Just keep moving. And don't look down.                                                             DONKEY                         Okay, don't look down. Don't look down.                         Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't                         look down. (he steps through a rotting                         board and ends up looking straight down                         into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down!                         Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me                         off, please!                                     SHREK                         But you're already halfway.                                     DONKEY                         But I know that half is safe!                                     SHREK                         Okay, fine. I don't have time for this.                         You go back.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, no! Wait!                                     SHREK                         Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance                         then, shall me? (bounces and sways the                         bridge)                                     DONKEY                         Don't do that!                                     SHREK                         Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces                         the bridge again)                                     DONKEY                         Yes, that!                                     SHREK                         Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to                         bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across                         the bridge)                                     DONKEY                         No, Shrek! No! Stop it!                                     SHREK                         You said do it! I'm doin' it.                                     DONKEY                         I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek,                         I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground)                         Oh!                                     SHREK                         That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks                         towards the castle)                                     DONKEY                         Cool. So where is this fire-breathing                         pain-in-the-neck anyway?                                     SHREK                         Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.                         (chuckles)                                     DONKEY                         I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.                                       INSIDE THE CASTLE                                     DONKEY                         You afraid?                                     SHREK                         No.                                     DONKEY                         But...                                     SHREK                         Shh.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton                         and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong                         with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible                         response to an unfamiliar situation.                         Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might                         add. With a dragon that breathes fire                         and eats knights and breathes fire,                         it sure doesn't mean you're a coward                         if you're a little scared. I sure as                         heck ain't no coward. I know that.                                                             SHREK                         Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up.                         Now go over there and see if you can                         find any stairs.                                     DONKEY                         Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for                         the princess.                                     SHREK                         (putting on a helmet) The princess will                         be up the stairs in the highest room                         in the tallest tower.                                     DONKEY                         What makes you think she'll be there?                                                             SHREK                         I read it in a book once. (walks off)                                                             DONKEY                         Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle                         the stairs. I'll find those stairs.                         I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs                         won't know which way they're goin'.                         (walks off)               EMPTY ROOM               Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room.                                                   DONKEY                         I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it                         to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm                         the stair master. I've mastered the                         stairs. I wish I had a step right here.                         I'd step all over it.               ELSEWHERE               Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window.                                     SHREK                         Well, at least we know where the princess                         is, but where's the...                                     DONKEY                         (os) Dragon!               Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again.               Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon               breathes fire.                                     SHREK                         Donkey, look out! (he manages to get                         a hold of the dragons tail and holds                         on) Got ya!               The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek               goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the               tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying               on the floor.                                     DONKEY                         Oh! Aah! Aah!               Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small               part of the bridge he's on.                                     DONKEY                         No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh,                         what large teeth you have. (the dragon                         growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth.                         I know you probably hear this all time                         from your food, but you must bleach,                         'cause that is one dazzling smile you                         got there. Do I detect a hint of minty                         freshness? And you know what else? You're                         - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure!                         I mean, of course you're a girl dragon.                         You're just reeking of feminine beauty.                         (the dragon begins fluttering her eyes                         at him) What's the matter with you?                         You got something in your eye? Ohh.                         Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay,                         but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon                         blows a smoke ring in the shape of a                         heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm                         an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd                         work out if you're gonna blow smoke                         rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him                         up with her teeth and carries him off)                         No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!               FIONA'S ROOM               Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona               so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She               then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off               the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep.               Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for               a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders               and shakes her away.                                     FIONA                         Oh! Oh!                                     SHREK                         Wake up!                                     FIONA                         What?                                     SHREK                         Are you Princess Fiona?                                     FIONA                         I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to                         rescue me.                                     SHREK                         Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!                                     FIONA                         But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our                         first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful,                         romantic moment?                                     SHREK                         Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.                                                             FIONA                         Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should                         sweep me off my feet out yonder window                         and down a rope onto your valiant steed.                                                             SHREK                         You've had a lot of time to plan this,                         haven't you?                                     FIONA                         (smiles) Mm-hmm.               Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down               the hallway.                                     FIONA                         But we have to savor this moment! You                         could recite an epic poem for me. A                         ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!                                                             SHREK                         I don't think so.                                     FIONA                         Can I at least know the name of my champion?                                                             SHREK                         Uh, Shrek.                                     FIONA                         Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds                         out a handkerchief) I pray that you                         take this favor as a token of my gratitude.                                                             SHREK                         Thanks!               Suddenly they hear the dragon roar.                                     FIONA                         (surprised)You didn't slay the dragon?                                                             SHREK                         It's on my to-do list. Now come on!                         (takes off running and drags Fiona behind                         him.)                                     FIONA                         But this isn't right! You were meant                         to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying.                         That's what all the other knights did.                                                             SHREK                         Yeah, right before they burst into flame.                                                             FIONA                         That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly                         stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek                         ignores her and heads for a wooden door                         off to the side.) Wait. Where are you                         going? The exit's over there.                                     SHREK                         Well, I have to save my ass.                                     FIONA                         What kind of knight are you?                                     SHREK                         One of a kind. (opens the door into                         the throne room)                                     DONKEY                         (os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please.                         I believe it's healthy to get to know                         someone over a long period of time.                         Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs                         worriedly) (we see him up close and                         from a distance as Shrek sneaks into                         the room) I don't want to rush into                         a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally                         ready for a commitment of, uh, this                         - - Magnitude really is the word I'm                         looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that                         is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what                         are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just                         back up a little and take this one step                         at a time. We really should get to know                         each other first as friends or pen pals.                         I'm on the road a lot, but I just love                         receiving cards - - I'd really love                         to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's                         my tail! That's my personal tail. You're                         gonna tear it off. I don't give permission                         - - What are you gonna do with that?                         Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No.                         No, no, no. No! Oh!               Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings               toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks               up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head.               He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps               Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him.               Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and               roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto               her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms               a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey               take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and               then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her.                                     DONKEY                         Hi, Princess!                                     FIONA                         It talks!                                     SHREK                         Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's                         the trick.               They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots               a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a               crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His               eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles               off and walks lightly.                                     SHREK                         Oh!               Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona.                                                   SHREK                         Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll                         take care of the dragon.               Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the               castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping               chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that               is still around the dragons neck.                                     SHREK                         (echoing) Run!               They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot               pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons               breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on               for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They               are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look               in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to               get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the               dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs               quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a               sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away.                                     FIONA                         (sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You                         did it! You rescued me! You're amazing.                         (behind her Donkey falls down the hill)                         You're - - You're wonderful. You're...                         (turns and sees Shrek fall down the                         hill and bump into Donkey) a little                         unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed                         is great, and thy heart is pure. I am                         eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears                         his throat.) And where would a brave                         knight be without his noble steed?                                                             DONKEY                         I hope you heard that. She called me                         a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.                                                             FIONA                         The battle is won. You may remove your                         helmet, good Sir Knight.                                     SHREK                         Uh, no.                                     FIONA                         Why not?                                     SHREK                         I have helmet hair.                                     FIONA                         Please. I would'st look upon the face                         of my rescuer.                                     SHREK                         No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.                                     FIONA                         But how will you kiss me?                                     SHREK                         What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the                         job description.                                     DONKEY                         Maybe it's a perk.                                     FIONA                         No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know                         how it goes. A princess locked in a                         tower and beset by a dragon is rescued                         by a brave knight, and then they share                         true love's first kiss.                                     DONKEY                         Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait.                         Wait. You think that Shrek is you true                         love?                                     FIONA                         Well, yes.               Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing.                                     DONKEY                         You think Shrek is your true love!                                                             FIONA                         What is so funny?                                     SHREK                         Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona:                         Of course, you are. You're my rescuer.                         Now - - Now remove your helmet.                                     SHREK                         Look. I really don't think this is a                         good idea.                                     FIONA                         Just take off the helmet.                                     SHREK                         I'm not going to.                                     FIONA                         Take it off.                                     SHREK                         No!                                     FIONA                         Now!                                     SHREK                         Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.                         (takes off his helmet)                                     FIONA                         You- - You're a- - an ogre.                                     SHREK                         Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.                                                             FIONA                         Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is                         all wrong. You're not supposed to be                         an ogre.                                     SHREK                         Princess, I was sent to rescue you by                         Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who                         wants to marry you.                                     FIONA                         Then why didn't he come rescue me?                                                             SHREK                         Good question. You should ask him that                         when we get there.                                     FIONA                         But I have to be rescued by my true                         love, not by some ogre and his- - his                         pet.                                     DONKEY                         Well, so much for noble steed.                                     SHREK                         You're not making my job any easier.                                                             FIONA                         I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem.                         You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he                         wants to rescue me properly, I'll be                         waiting for him right here.                                     SHREK                         Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all                         right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy.                         (he swiftly picks her up and swings                         her over his shoulder like she was a                         sack of potatoes)                                     FIONA                         You wouldn't dare. Put me down!                                     SHREK                         Ya comin', Donkey?                                     DONKEY                         I'm right behind ya.                                     FIONA                         Put me down, or you will suffer the                         consequences! This is not dignified!                         Put me down!               WOODS               A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just               hangs there limply while Shrek carries her.                                     DONKEY                         Okay, so here's another question. Say                         there's a woman that digs you, right,                         but you don't really like her that way.                         How do you let her down real easy so                         her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't                         get burned to a crisp and eaten?                                     FIONA                         You just tell her she's not your true                         love. Everyone knows what happens when                         you find your...(Shrek drops her on                         the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to                         DuLoc the better.                                     DONKEY                         You're gonna love it there, Princess.                         It's beautiful!                                     FIONA                         And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad?                         What's he like?                                     SHREK                         Let me put it this way, Princess. Men                         of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.                         (he and Donkey laugh)               Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off               the dust and grime.                                     DONKEY                         I don't know. There are those who think                         little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona:                         Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're                         just jealous you can never measure up                         to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.                                                             SHREK                         Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess.                         But I'll let you do the "measuring"                         when you see him tomorrow.                                     FIONA                         (looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow?                         It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop                         to make camp?                                     SHREK                         No, that'll take longer. We can keep                         going.                                     FIONA                         But there's robbers in the woods.                                     DONKEY                         Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting                         to sound good.                                     SHREK                         Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything                         we're going to see in this forest.                                                             FIONA                         I need to find somewhere to camp now!                                       Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her.                             MOUNTAIN CLIFF               Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves               a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave.                                     SHREK                         Hey! Over here.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, we can do better than that. I                         don't think this is fit for a princess.                                                             FIONA                         No, no, it's perfect. It just needs                         a few homey touches.                                     SHREK                         Homey touches? Like what? (he hears                         a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona                         who has torn the bark off of a tree.)                                                             FIONA                         A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee                         good night. (goes into the cave and                         puts the bark door up behind her)                                                             DONKEY                         You want me to read you a bedtime story?                         I will.                                     FIONA                         (os) I said good night!               Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the               boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona               still inside.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, What are you doing?                                     SHREK                         (laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh,                         come on. I was just kidding.               LATER THAT NIGHT               Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring               up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations               to Donkey.                                     SHREK                         And, uh, that one, that's Throwback,                         the only ogre to ever spit over three                         wheat fields.                                     DONKEY                         Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future                         from these stars?                                     SHREK                         The stars don't tell the future, Donkey.                         They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut,                         the Flatulent. You can guess what he's                         famous for.                                     DONKEY                         I know you're making this up.                                     SHREK                         No, look. There he is, and there's the                         group of hunters running away from his                         stench.                                     DONKEY                         That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little                         dots.                                     SHREK                         You know, Donkey, sometimes things are                         more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.                                                             DONKEY                         (heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what                         we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?                                                             SHREK                         Our swamp?                                     DONKEY                         You know, when we're through rescuing                         the princess.                                     SHREK                         We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's                         no "our". There's just me and my swamp.                         The first thing I'm gonna do is build                         a ten-foot wall around my land.                                     DONKEY                         You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real                         deep just now. You know what I think?                         I think this whole wall thing is just                         a way to keep somebody out.                                     SHREK                         No, do ya think?                                     DONKEY                         Are you hidin' something?                                     SHREK                         Never mind, Donkey.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, this is another one of those onion                         things, isn't it?                                     SHREK                         No, this is one of those drop-it and                         leave-it alone things.                                     DONKEY                         Why don't you want to talk about it?                                                             SHREK                         Why do you want to talk about it?                                     DONKEY                         Why are you blocking?                                     SHREK                         I'm not blocking.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, yes, you are.                                     SHREK                         Donkey, I'm warning you.                                     DONKEY                         Who you trying to keep out?                                     SHREK                         Everyone! Okay?                                     DONKEY                         (pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.                         (grins)               At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to               the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her.                                     SHREK                         Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and                         walks over to the edge of the cliff                         and sits down)                                     DONKEY                         What's your problem? What you got against                         the whole world anyway?                                     SHREK                         Look, I'm not the one with the problem,                         okay? It's the world that seems to have                         a problem with me. People take one look                         at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big,                         stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before                         they even know me. That's why I'm better                         off alone.                                     DONKEY                         You know what? When we met, I didn't                         think you was just a big, stupid, ugly                         ogre.                                     SHREK                         Yeah, I know.                                     DONKEY                         So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?                                                             SHREK                         Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small                         and Annoying.                                     DONKEY                         Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny                         one, right there. That one there?                                       Fiona puts the door back.                                     SHREK                         That's the moon.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, okay.               DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom               The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays               in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic               Mirror shows him Princess Fiona.                                     FARQUAAD                         Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror,                         show her to me. Show me the princess.                                                             MIRROR                         Hmph.               The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning.                                                   FARQUAAD                         Ah. Perfect.               Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up               to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly               at her image in the mirror.               MORNING               Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey               who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes               across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along               with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles               to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too               big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but               she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona               is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still               sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking               in his sleep.                                     DONKEY                         (quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like                         it like that. Come on, baby. I said                         I like it.                                     SHREK                         Donkey, wake up. (shakes him)                                     DONKEY                         Huh? What?                                     SHREK                         Wake up.                                     DONKEY                         What? (stretches and yawns)                                     FIONA                         Good morning. Hm, how do you like your                         eggs?                                     DONKEY                         Oh, good morning, Princess!               Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them.                                     SHREK                         What's all this about?                                     FIONA                         You know, we kind of got off to a bad                         start yesterday. I wanted to make it                         up to you. I mean, after all, you did                         rescue me.                                     SHREK                         Uh, thanks.               Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips.                                     FIONA                         Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead                         of us. (walks off)               LATER               They are once again on their way. They are walking through the               forest. Shrek belches.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek!                                     SHREK                         What? It's a compliment. Better out                         than in, I always say. (laughs)                                     DONKEY                         Well, it's no way to behave in front                         of a princess.               Fiona belches                                     FIONA                         Thanks.                                     DONKEY                         She's as nasty as you are.                                     SHREK                         (chuckles) You know, you're not exactly                         what I expected.                                     FIONA                         Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people                         before you get to know them.               She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly               from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into               a tree.                                     ROBIN HOOD                         La liberte! Hey!                                     SHREK                         Princess!                                     FIONA                         (to Robin Hood) What are you doing?                                                             ROBIN HOOD                         Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior!                         And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses                         up her arm while Fiona pulls back in                         disgust)...beast.                                     SHREK                         Hey! That's my princess! Go find you                         own!                                     ROBIN HOOD                         Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a                         little busy here?                                     FIONA                         (getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't                         know who you think you are!                                     ROBIN HOOD                         Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please                         let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men.                         (laughs)               Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out               from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song.                                     MERRY MEN                         Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.                                     ROBIN HOOD                         I steal from the rich and give to the                         needy.                                     MERRY MEN                         He takes a wee percentage,                                     ROBIN HOOD                         But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty                         damsels, man, I'm good.                                     MERRY MEN                         What a guy, Monsieur Hood.                                     ROBIN HOOD                         Break it down. I like an honest fight                         and a saucy little maid...                                     MERRY MEN                         What he's basically saying is he likes                         to get...                                     ROBIN HOOD                         Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush                         grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad.                                                             MERRY MEN                         That's bad.                                     ROBIN HOOD                         When a beauty's with a beast it makes                         me awfully mad.                                     MERRY MEN                         He's mad, he's really, really mad.                                                             ROBIN HOOD                         I'll take my blade and ram it through                         your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys                         'cause I'm about to start...               There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and               knocks Robin Hood unconscious.                                     FIONA                         Man, that was annoying!               Shrek looks at her in admiration.                                     MERRY MAN                         Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at                         Fiona but she ducks out of the way)                                       The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to               get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree.                             Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and               then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is               a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in               mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down,               and Fiona begins walking away.                                     FIONA                         Uh, shall we?                                     SHREK                         Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins                         walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa,                         whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come                         from?                                     FIONA                         What?                                     SHREK                         That! Back there. That was amazing!                         Where did you learn that?                                     FIONA                         Well...(laughs) when one lives alone,                         uh, one has to learn these things in                         case there's a...(gasps and points)                         there's an arrow in your butt!                                     SHREK                         What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you                         look at that? (he goes to pull it out                         but flinches because it's tender)                                                             FIONA                         Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so                         sorry.                                     DONKEY                         (walking up) Why? What's wrong?                                     FIONA                         Shrek's hurt.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no,                         Shrek's gonna die.                                     SHREK                         Donkey, I'm okay.                                     DONKEY                         You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm                         too young for you to die. Keep you legs                         elevated. Turn your head and cough.                         Does anyone know the Heimlich?                                     FIONA                         Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help                         Shrek, run into the woods and find me                         a blue flower with red thorns.                                     DONKEY                         Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on                         it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die                         Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay                         away from the light!                                     SHREK & FIONA                         Donkey!                                     DONKEY                         Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.                         (runs off)                                     SHREK                         What are the flowers for?                                     FIONA                         (like it's obvious) For getting rid                         of Donkey.                                     SHREK                         Ah.                                     FIONA                         Now you hold still, and I'll yank this                         thing out. (gives the arrow a little                         pull)                                     SHREK                         (jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the                         yankin'.               As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and               Shrek keeps dodging her hands.                                     FIONA                         I'm sorry, but it has to come out.                                                             SHREK                         No, it's tender.                                     FIONA                         Now, hold on.                                     SHREK                         What you're doing is the opposite of                         help.                                     FIONA                         Don't move.                                     SHREK                         Look, time out.                                     FIONA                         Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his                         hand over her face to stop her from                         getting at the arrow) Okay. What do                         you propose we do?               ELSEWHERE               Donkey is still looking for the special flower.                                     DONKEY                         Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower,                         red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns.                         This would be so much easier if I wasn't                         color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.                                                             SHREK                         (os) Ow!                                     DONKEY                         Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a                         flower off a nearby bush that just happens                         to be a blue flower with red thorns)                                       THE FOREST PATH                                     SHREK                         Ow! Not good.                                     FIONA                         Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.                         (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just                         about...                                     SHREK                         Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall                         over with Fiona on top of him)                                     DONKEY                         Ahem.                                     SHREK                         (throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing                         happend. We were just, uh - -                                     DONKEY                         Look, if you wanted to be alone, all                         you had to do was ask. Okay?                                     SHREK                         Oh, come on! That's the last thing on                         my mind. The princess here was just-                         - (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he                         turns to look at Fiona who holds up                         the arrow with a smile) Ow!                                     DONKEY                         Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle)                         That's...is that blood?               Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue               on their way.               There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc.               Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a               small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as               Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back               into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting               and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb               that's on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it               around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins               eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers.               Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting               it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning               it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group               arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc.               WINDMILL                                     SHREK                         There it is, Princess. Your future awaits                         you.                                     FIONA                         That's DuLoc?                                     DONKEY                         Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks                         Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,                         which I think means he has a really...(Shrek                         steps on his hoof) Ow!                                     SHREK                         Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move                         on.                                     FIONA                         Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried                         about Donkey.                                     SHREK                         What?                                     FIONA                         I mean, look at him. He doesn't look                         so good.                                     DONKEY                         What are you talking about? I'm fine.                                                             FIONA                         (kneels to look him in the eyes) That's                         what they always say, and then next                         thing you know, you're on your back.                         (pause) Dead.                                     SHREK                         You know, she's right. You look awful.                         Do you want to sit down?                                     FIONA                         Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.                                                             DONKEY                         I didn't want to say nothin', but I                         got this twinge in my neck, and when                         I turn my head like this, look, (turns                         his neck in a very sharp way until his                         head is completely sideways) Ow! See?                             ��                               SHREK                         Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.                                                             FIONA                         I'll get the firewood.                                     DONKEY                         Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't                         feel my toes! (looks down and yelps)                         I don't have any toes! I think I need                         a hug.               SUNSET               Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while               Fiona eats.                                     FIONA                         Mmm. This is good. This is really good.                         What is this?                                     SHREK                         Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style.                                     FIONA                         No kidding. Well, this is delicious.                                                             SHREK                         Well, they're also great in stews. Now,                         I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean                         weed rat stew. (chuckles)               Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs.                                     FIONA                         I guess I'll be dining a little differently                         tomorrow night.                                     SHREK                         Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp                         sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff                         for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare                         - - you name it.                                     FIONA                         (smiles) I'd like that.               They smiles at each other.                                     SHREK                         Um, Princess?                                     FIONA                         Yes, Shrek?                                     SHREK                         I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs)                         Are you gonna eat that?                                     DONKEY                         (chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic?                         Just look at that sunset.                                     FIONA                         (jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's                         late. I-It's very late.                                     SHREK                         What?                                     DONKEY                         Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on                         here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't                         you?                                     FIONA                         Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified.                         You know, I'd better go inside.                                     DONKEY                         Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to                         be afraid of the dark, too, until -                         - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of                         the dark.               Shrek sighs                                     FIONA                         Good night.                                     SHREK                         Good night.               Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks               at Shrek with a new eye.                                     DONKEY                         Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on                         here.                                     SHREK                         Oh, what are you talkin' about?                                     DONKEY                         I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm                         an animal, and I got instincts. And                         I know you two were diggin' on each                         other. I could feel it.                                     SHREK                         You're crazy. I'm just bringing her                         back to Farquaad.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell                         the pheromones. Just go on in and tell                         her how you feel.                                     SHREK                         I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides,                         even if I did tell her that, well, you                         know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause                         I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm                         - -                                     DONKEY                         An ogre?                                     SHREK                         Yeah. An ogre.                                     DONKEY                         Hey, where you goin'?                                     SHREK                         To get... move firewood. (sighs)               Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already               is.               TIME LAPSE               Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is               nowhere to be seen.                                     DONKEY                         Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess,                         where are you? Princess?               Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her.                                                   DONKEY                         It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing                         no games.               Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't               look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking               out.                                     DONKEY                         Aah!                                     FIONA                         Oh, no!                                     DONKEY                         No, help!                                     FIONA                         Shh!                                     DONKEY                         Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!                                     FIONA                         No, it's okay. It's okay.                                     DONKEY                         What did you do with the princess?                                                             FIONA                         Donkey, I'm the princess.                                     DONKEY                         Aah!                                     FIONA                         It's me, in this body.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to                         her stomach) Can you hear me?                                     FIONA                         Donkey!                                     DONKEY                         (still aimed at her stomach) Listen,                         keep breathing! I'll get you out of                         there!                                     FIONA                         No!                                     DONKEY                         Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!                                     FIONA                         Shh.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek!                                     FIONA                         This is me.               Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets               down.                                     DONKEY                         Princess? What happened to you? You're,                         uh, uh, uh, different.                                     FIONA                         I'm ugly, okay?                                     DONKEY                         Well, yeah! Was it something you ate?                         'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a                         bad idea. You are what you eat, I said.                         Now - -                                     FIONA                         No. I - - I've been this way as long                         as I can remember.                                     DONKEY                         What do you mean? Look, I ain't never                         seen you like this before.                                     FIONA                         It only happens when sun goes down.                         "By night one way, by day another. This                         shall be the norm... until you find                         true love's first kiss... and then take                         love's true form."                                     DONKEY                         Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know                         you wrote poetry.                                     FIONA                         It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little                         girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every                         night I become this. This horrible,                         ugly beast! I was placed in a tower                         to await the day my true love would                         rescue me. That's why I have to marry                         Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun                         sets and he sees me like this. (begins                         to cry)                                     DONKEY                         All right, all right. Calm down. Look,                         it's not that bad. You're not that ugly.                         Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly.                         But you only look like this at night.                         Shrek's ugly 24-7.                                     FIONA                         But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this                         is not how a princess is meant to look.                                                             DONKEY                         Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry                         Farquaad?                                     FIONA                         I have to. Only my true love's kiss                         can break the spell.                                     DONKEY                         But, you know, um, you're kind of an                         orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a                         lot in common.                                     FIONA                         Shrek?               OUTSIDE               Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his               hand.                                     SHREK                         (to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's                         it going, first of all? Good? Um, good                         for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower                         and thought of you because it's pretty                         and - - well, I don't really like it,                         but I thought you might like it 'cause                         you're pretty. But I like you anyway.                         I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble.                         Okay, here we go.               He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey               and Fiona talking.                                     FIONA                         (os) I can't just marry whoever I want.                         Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean,                         really, who can ever love a beast so                         hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly"                         don't go together. That's why I can't                         stay here with Shrek.               Shrek steps back in shock.                                     FIONA                         (os) My only chance to live happily                         ever after is to marry my true love.                                       Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks               away.               INSIDE                                     FIONA                         Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how                         it has to be. It's the only way to break                         the spell.                                     DONKEY                         You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.                                                             FIONA                         No! You can't breathe a word. No one                         must ever know.                                     DONKEY                         What's the point of being able to talk                         if you gotta keep secrets?                                     FIONA                         Promise you won't tell. Promise!                                     DONKEY                         All right, all right. I won't tell him.                         But you should. (goes outside) I just                         know before this is over, I'm gonna                         need a whole lot of serious therapy.                         Look at my eye twitchin'.               Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks               down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back               inside the windmill.               MORNING               Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still               awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower.                                     FIONA                         I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him,                         I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly                         runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek!                         Shrek, there's something I want...(she                         looks and sees the rising sun, and as                         the sun crests the sky she turns back                         into a human.)               Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards               her.                                     FIONA                         Shrek. Are you all right?                                     SHREK                         Perfect! Never been better.                                     FIONA                         I - - I don't - - There's something                         I have to tell you.                                     SHREK                         You don't have to tell me anything,                         Princess. I heard enough last night.                                                             FIONA                         You heard what I said?                                     SHREK                         Every word.                                     FIONA                         I thought you'd understand.                                     SHREK                         Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who                         could love a hideous, ugly beast?"                                                             FIONA                         But I thought that wouldn't matter to                         you.                                     SHREK                         Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at                         him in shock. He looks past her and                         spots a group approaching.) Ah, right                         on time. Princess, I've brought you                         a little something.               Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal               sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only               like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers               march by.                                     DONKEY                         What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots                         the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that?                         Couldn't have been the donkey.                                     FARQUAAD                         Princess Fiona.                                     SHREK                         As promised. Now hand it over.                                     FARQUAAD                         Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece                         of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared                         out, as agreed. Take it and go before                         I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper)                         Forgive me, Princess, for startling                         you, but you startled me, for I have                         never seen such a radiant beauty before.                         I'm Lord Farquaad.                                     FIONA                         Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad                         snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord,                         for I was just saying a short... (Watches                         as Farquaad is lifted off his horse                         and set down in front of her. He comes                         to her waist.) farewell.                                     FARQUAAD                         Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have                         to waste good manners on the ogre. It's                         not like it has feelings.                                     FIONA                         No, you're right. It doesn't.               Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face.                                                   FARQUAAD                         Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless                         Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.                         Will you be the perfect bride for the                         perfect groom?                                     FIONA                         Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would                         make - -                                     FARQUAAD                         (interrupting) Excellent! I'll start                         the plans, for tomorrow we wed!                                     FIONA                         No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get                         married today before the sun sets.                                                             FARQUAAD                         Oh, anxious, are you? You're right.                         The sooner, the better. There's so much                         to do! There's the caterer, the cake,                         the band, the guest list. Captain, round                         up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona                         on the back of his horse)                                     FIONA                         Fare-thee-well, ogre.               Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches               them go.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting                         her get away.                                     SHREK                         Yeah? So what?                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, there's something about her you                         don't know. Look, I talked to her last                         night, She's - -                                     SHREK                         I know you talked to her last night.                         You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if                         you two are such good friends, why don't                         you follow her home?                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.                                     SHREK                         I told you, didn't I? You're not coming                         home with me. I live alone! My swamp!                         Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody!                         Especially useless, pathetic, annoying,                         talking donkeys!                                     DONKEY                         But I thought - -                                     SHREK                         Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong!                         (stomps off)                                     DONKEY                         Shrek.               Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona               being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running               into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner               alone. Shrek eating dinner alone.               SHREK'S HOME               Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes               outside to investigate.                                     SHREK                         Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues                         with what he's doing.) What are you                         doing?                                     DONKEY                         I would think, of all people, you would                         recognize a wall when you see one.                                                             SHREK                         Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed                         to go around my swamp, not through it.                                                             DONKEY                         It is around your half. See that's your                         half, and this is my half.                                     SHREK                         Oh! Your half. Hmm.                                     DONKEY                         Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess.                         I did half the work. I get half the                         booty. Now hand me that big old rock,                         the one that looks like your head.                                                             SHREK                         Back off!                                     DONKEY                         No, you back off.                                     SHREK                         This is my swamp!                                     DONKEY                         Our swamp.                                     SHREK                         (grabs the tree branch Donkey is working                         with) Let go, Donkey!                                     DONKEY                         You let go.                                     SHREK                         Stubborn jackass!                                     DONKEY                         Smelly ogre.                                     SHREK                         Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks                         away)                                     DONKEY                         Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through                         with you yet.                                     SHREK                         Well, I'm through with you.                                     DONKEY                         Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always,                         "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now                         it's my turn! So you just shut up and                         pay attention! You are mean to me. You                         insult me and you don't appreciate anything                         that I do! You're always pushing me                         around or pushing me away.                                     SHREK                         Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so                         bad, how come you came back?                                     DONKEY                         Because that's what friends do! They                         forgive each other!                                     SHREK                         Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive                         you... for stabbin' me in the back!                         (goes into the outhouse and slams the                         door)                                     DONKEY                         Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers,                         onion boy, you're afraid of your own                         feelings.                                     SHREK                         (os) Go away!                                     DONKEY                         There you are , doing it again just                         like you did to Fiona. All she ever                         do was like you, maybe even love you.                                                             SHREK                         (os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a                         hideous creature. I heard the two of                         you talking.                                     DONKEY                         She wasn't talkin' about you. She was                         talkin' about, uh, somebody else.                                                             SHREK                         (opens the door and comes out) She wasn't                         talking about me? Well, then who was                         she talking about?                                     DONKEY                         Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything.                         You don't wanna listen to me. Right?                         Right?                                     SHREK                         Donkey!                                     DONKEY                         No!                                     SHREK                         Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh)                         I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big,                         stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?                                                             DONKEY                         Hey, that's what friends are for, right?                                                             SHREK                         Right. Friends?                                     DONKEY                         Friends.                                     SHREK                         So, um, what did Fiona say about me?                                                             DONKEY                         What are you asking me for? Why don't                         you just go ask her?                                     SHREK                         The wedding! We'll never make it in                         time.                                     DONKEY                         Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's                         a will, there's a way and I have a way.                         (whistles)               Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so               they can climb on.                                     SHREK                         Donkey?                                     DONKEY                         I guess it's just my animal magnetism.                                       They both laugh.                                     SHREK                         Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a                         noogie)                                     DONKEY                         All right, all right. Don't get all                         slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All                         right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't                         had a chance to install the seat belts                         yet.               They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc.               DULOC - CHURCH               Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there.               The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'.                                                   PRIEST                         People of DuLoc, we gather here today                         to bear witness to the union....                                     FIONA                         (eyeing the setting sun) Um-                                     PRIEST                         ...of our new king...                                     FIONA                         Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead                         to the "I do's"?                                     FARQUAAD                         (chuckles and then motions to the priest                         to indulge Fiona) Go on.               COURTYARD               Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with               a boom. The guards all take off running.                                     DONKEY                         (to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN.                         If we need you, I'll whistle. How about                         that? (she nods and goes after the guards)                         Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You                         wanna do this right, don't you?                                     SHREK                         (at the Church door) What are you talking                         about?                                     DONKEY                         There's a line you gotta wait for. The                         preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or                         forever hold your peace." That's when                         you say, "I object!"                                     SHREK                         I don't have time for this!                                     DONKEY                         Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen                         to me! Look, you love this woman, don't                         you?                                     SHREK                         Yes.                                     DONKEY                         You wanna hold her?                                     SHREK                         Yes.                                     DONKEY                         Please her?                                     SHREK                         Yes!                                     DONKEY                         (singing James Brown style) Then you                         got to, got to try a little tenderness.                         (normal) The chicks love that romantic                         crap!                                     SHREK                         All right! Cut it out. When does this                         guy say the line?                                     DONKEY                         We gotta check it out.               INSIDE CHURCH               As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the               windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see.                                     PRIEST                         And so, by the power vested in me...                                       Outside                                     SHREK                         What do you see?                                     DONKEY                         The whole town's in there.               Inside                                     PRIEST                         I now pronounce you husband and wife...                                       Outside                                     DONKEY                         They're at the altar.               Inside                                     PRIEST                         ...king and queen.               Outside                                     DONKEY                         Mother Fletcher! He already said it.                                                             SHREK                         Oh, for the love of Pete!               He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard.                             INSIDE CHURCH                                     SHREK                         (running toward the alter) I object!                                                             FIONA                         Shrek?               The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek.                                     FARQUAAD                         Oh, now what does he want?                                     SHREK                         (to congregation as he reaches the front                         of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin'                         a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first                         of all. Very clean.                                     FIONA                         What are you doing here?                                     SHREK                         Really, it's rude enough being alive                         when no one wants you, but showing up                         uninvited to a wedding...                                     SHREK                         Fiona! I need to talk to you.                                     FIONA                         Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little                         late for that, so if you'll excuse me                         - -                                     SHREK                         But you can't marry him.                                     FIONA                         And why not?                                     SHREK                         Because- - Because he's just marring                         you so he can be king.                                     FARQUAAD                         Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.                                                             SHREK                         He's not your true love.                                     FIONA                         And what do you know about true love?                                                             SHREK                         Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -                                     FARQUAAD                         Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen                         in love with the princess! Oh, good                         Lord. (laughs)               The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The               whole congregation laughs.                                     FARQUAAD                         An ogre and a princess!                                     FIONA                         Shrek, is this true?                                     FARQUAAD                         Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona,                         my love, we're but a kiss away from                         our "happily ever after." Now kiss me!                         (puckers his lips and leans toward her,                         but she pulls back.)                                     FIONA                         (looking at the setting sun) "By night                         one way, by day another." (to Shrek)                         I wanted to show you before.               She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self.               She gives Shrek a sheepish smile.                                     SHREK                         Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona                         smiles)                                     FARQUAAD                         Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards!                         I order you to get that out of my sight                         now! Get them! Get them both!               The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights               them.                                     SHREK                         No, no!                                     FIONA                         Shrek!                                     FARQUAAD                         This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This                         marriage is binding, and that makes                         me king! See? See?                                     FIONA                         No, let go of me! Shrek!                                     SHREK                         No!                                     FARQUAAD                         Don't just stand there, you morons.                                                             SHREK                         Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!                                     FARQUAAD                         I'll make you regret the day we met.                         I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll                         beg for death to save you!                                     FIONA                         No, Shrek!                                     FARQUAAD                         (hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And                         as for you, my wife...                                     SHREK                         Fiona!                                     FARQUAAD                         I'll have you locked back in that tower                         for the rest of your days! I'm king!                                       Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles.                                     FARQUAAD                         I will have order! I will have perfection!                         I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon                         show up and the dragon leans down and                         eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah!                                     DONKEY                         All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon                         here, and I'm not afraid to use it.                         (The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on                         the edge!               The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth               and falls to the ground.                                     DONKEY                         Celebrity marriages. They never last,                         do they?               The congregation cheers.                                     DONKEY                         Go ahead, Shrek.                                     SHREK                         Uh, Fiona?                                     FIONA                         Yes, Shrek?                                     SHREK                         I - - I love you.                                     FIONA                         Really?                                     SHREK                         Really, really.                                     FIONA                         (smiles) I love you too.               Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes               'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation.                                                   CONGREGATION                         Aawww!               Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted               up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around               her.                                     WHISPERS                         "Until you find true love's first kiss                         and then take love's true form. Take                         love's true form. Take love's true form."                                       Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell               and then is slowly lowered to the ground.                                     SHREK                         (going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are                         you all right?                                     FIONA                         (standing up, she's still an ogre) Well,                         yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed                         to be beautiful.                                     SHREK                         But you ARE beautiful.               They smile at each other.                                     DONKEY                         (chuckles) I was hoping this would be                         a happy ending.               Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into...               THE SWAMP               ...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm               a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek               and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting               carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet               which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end               up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet               instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now               has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona               walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over               singing the song.                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         God bless us, every one.                                     DONKEY                         (as he's done singing and we fade to                         black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't                         breathe. I can't breathe.

#shrek

[silver-easter-egg-blog]

very important please read

                                    SHREK                         Once upon a time there was a lovely                         princess. But she had an enchantment                         upon her of a fearful sort which could                         only be broken by love's first kiss.                         She was locked away in a castle guarded                         by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.                         Many brave knights had attempted to                         free her from this dreadful prison,                         but non prevailed. She waited in the                         dragon's keep in the highest room of                         the tallest tower for her true love                         and true love's first kiss. (laughs)                         Like that's ever gonna happen. What                         a load of - (toilet flush)               Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his               day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go               after the ogre.               NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME                                     MAN1                         Think it's in there?                                     MAN2                         All right. Let's get it!                                     MAN1                         Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that                         thing can do to you?                                     MAN3                         Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's                         bread.               Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.                                     SHREK                         Yes, well, actually, that would be a                         giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse.                         They'll make a suit from your freshly                         peeled skin.                                     MEN                         No!                                     SHREK                         They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the                         jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's                         quite good on toast.                                     MAN1                         Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!                         (waves the torch at Shrek.)               Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The               men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long               and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the               men are in the dark.                                     SHREK                         This is the part where you run away.                         (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.)                         And stay out! (looks down and picks                         up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted.                         Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and                         throws the paper over his shoulder.)                                       THE NEXT DAY               There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard               sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures               to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line               are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto               who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three               little pigs.                                     GUARD                         All right. This one's full. Take it                         away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!                                                             HEAD GUARD                         Next!                                     GUARD                         (taking the witch's broom) Give me that!                         Your flying days are over. (breaks the                         broom in half)                                     HEAD GUARD                         That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch.                         Next!                                     GUARD                         Get up! Come on!                                     HEAD GUARD                         Twenty pieces.                                     LITTLE BEAR                         (crying) This cage is too small.                                     DONKEY                         Please, don't turn me in. I'll never                         be stubborn again. I can change. Please!                         Give me another chance!                                     OLD WOMAN                         Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)                                     DONKEY                         Oh!                                     HEAD GUARD                         Next! What have you got?                                     GIPETTO                         This little wooden puppet.                                     PINOCCHIO                         I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his                         nose grows)                                     HEAD GUARD                         Five shillings for the possessed toy.                         Take it away.                                     PINOCCHIO                         Father, please! Don't let them do this!                         Help me!               Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up               to the table.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Next! What have you got?                                     OLD WOMAN                         Well, I've got a talking donkey.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings,                         if you can prove it.                                     OLD WOMAN                         Oh, go ahead, little fella.               Donkey just looks up at her.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Well?                                     OLD WOMAN                         Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little                         nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox.                         Talk, you boneheaded dolt...                                     HEAD GUARD                         That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!                                                             OLD WOMAN                         No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends                         to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to                         talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing                         you ever saw.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Get her out of my sight.                                     OLD WOMAN                         No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!               The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One               of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's               hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled               with fairy dust and he's able to fly.                                     DONKEY                         Hey! I can fly!                                     PETER PAN                         He can fly!                                     3 LITTLE PIGS                         He can fly!                                     HEAD GUARD                         He can talk!                                     DONKEY                         Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm                         a flying, talking donkey. You might                         have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly                         but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey                         fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins                         to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink                         to the ground.)               He hits the ground with a thud.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.)                         After him!                                     GUARDS                         He's getting away! Get him! This way!                         Turn!               Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally.               Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared               for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He               quickly hides behind Shrek.                                     HEAD GUARD                         You there. Ogre!                                     SHREK                         Aye?                                     HEAD GUARD                         By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized                         to place you both under arrest and transport                         you to a designated resettlement facility.                                                             SHREK                         Oh, really? You and what army?               He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well               and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail               and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and               begins walking back to his cottage.                                     DONKEY                         Can I say something to you? Listen,                         you was really, really, really somethin'                         back here. Incredible!                                     SHREK                         Are you talkin' to...(he turns around                         and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back                         around and Donkey is right in front                         of him.) Whoa!                                     DONKEY                         Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell                         you that you that you was great back                         here? Those guards! They thought they                         was all of that. Then you showed up,                         and bam! They was trippin' over themselves                         like babes in the woods. That really                         made me feel good to see that.                                     SHREK                         Oh, that's great. Really.                                     DONKEY                         Man, it's good to be free.                                     SHREK                         Now, why don't you go celebrate your                         freedom with your own friends? Hmm?                                                             DONKEY                         But, uh, I don't have any friends. And                         I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey,                         wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll                         stick with you. You're mean, green,                         fightin' machine. Together we'll scare                         the spit out of anybody that crosses                         us.               Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very               loudly.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you                         don't mind me sayin', if that don't                         work, your breath certainly will get                         the job done, 'cause you definitely                         need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause                         you breath stinks! You almost burned                         the hair outta my nose, just like the                         time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey                         continues to talk, so Shrek removes                         his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten                         berries. I had strong gases leaking                         out of my butt that day.                                     SHREK                         Why are you following me?                                     DONKEY                         I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause                         I'm all alone, There's no one here beside                         me, My problems have all gone, There's                         no one to deride me, But you gotta have                         faith...                                     SHREK                         Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't                         have any friends.                                     DONKEY                         Wow. Only a true friend would be that                         cruelly honest.                                     SHREK                         Listen, little donkey. Take a look at                         me. What am I?                                     DONKEY                         (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really                         tall?                                     SHREK                         No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your                         torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that                         bother you?                                     DONKEY                         Nope.                                     SHREK                         Really?                                     DONKEY                         Really, really.                                     SHREK                         Oh.                                     DONKEY                         Man, I like you. What's you name?                                     SHREK                         Uh, Shrek.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek? Well, you know what I like about                         you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me                         thing. I like that. I respect that,                         Shrek. You all right. (They come over                         a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.)                         Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live                         in place like that?                                     SHREK                         That would be my home.                                     DONKEY                         Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful.                         You know you are quite a decorator.                         It's amazing what you've done with such                         a modest budget. I like that boulder.                         That is a nice boulder. I guess you                         don't entertain much, do you?                                     SHREK                         I like my privacy.                                     DONKEY                         You know, I do too. That's another thing                         we have in common. Like I hate it when                         you got somebody in your face. You've                         trying to give them a hint, and they                         won't leave. There's that awkward silence.                         (awkward silence) Can I stay with you?                                                             SHREK                         Uh, what?                                     DONKEY                         Can I stay with you, please?                                     SHREK                         (sarcastically) Of course!                                     DONKEY                         Really?                                     SHREK                         No.                                     DONKEY                         Please! I don't wanna go back there!                         You don't know what it's like to be                         considered a freak. (pause while he                         looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do.                         But that's why we gotta stick together.                         You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!                                                             SHREK                         Okay! Okay! But one night only.                                     DONKEY                         Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage)                                                             SHREK                         What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto                         a chair.) No! No!                                     DONKEY                         This is gonna be fun! We can stay up                         late, swappin' manly stories, and in                         the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.                                     SHREK                         Oh!                                     DONKEY                         Where do, uh, I sleep?                                     SHREK                         (irritated) Outside!                                     DONKEY                         Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean,                         I don't know you, and you don't know                         me, so I guess outside is best, you                         know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek                         slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do                         like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was                         born outside. I'll just be sitting by                         myself outside, I guess, you know. By                         myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's                         no one here beside me...               SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT               Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights               a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a               noise. He stands up with a huff.                                     SHREK                         (to Donkey) I thought I told you to                         stay outside.                                     DONKEY                         (from the window) I am outside.               There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that               made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns               and spots 3 blind mice on his table.                                     BLIND MOUSE1                         Well, gents, it's a far cry from the                         farm, but what choice do we have?                                                             BLIND MOUSE2                         It's not home, but it'll do just fine.                                                             GORDO                         (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.                                                             SHREK                         Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes                         and lands on his shoulder.)                                     GORDO                         I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's                         ear)                                     SHREK                         Ow!                                     GORDO                         Blah! Awful stuff.                                     BLIND MOUSE1                         Is that you, Gordo?                                     GORDO                         How did you know?                                     SHREK                         Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are                         you doing in my house? (He gets bumped                         from behind and he drops the mice.)                         Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves                         with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no,                         no, no. Dead broad off the table.                                                             DWARF                         Where are we supposed to put her? The                         bed's taken.                                     SHREK                         Huh?               Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain.               The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at               him.                                     BIG BAD WOLF                         What?               TIME LAPSE               Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging               him to the front door.                                     SHREK                         I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm                         a terrifying ogre! What do I have to                         do get a little privacy? (He opens the                         front door to throw the Wolf out and                         he sees that all the collected Fairy                         Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh,                         no. No! No!               The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his               pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing               flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc.                                                   SHREK                         What are you doing in my swamp? (this                         echoes and everyone falls silent.)                                       Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a               tent.                                     SHREK                         All right, get out of here. All of you,                         move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya!                         Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more                         dwarves run inside the house) No, no!                         No, no. Not there. Not there. (they                         shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to                         look at Donkey)                                     DONKEY                         Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite                         them.                                     PINOCCHIO                         Oh, gosh, no one invited us.                                     SHREK                         What?                                     PINOCCHIO                         We were forced to come here.                                     SHREK                         (flabbergasted) By who?                                     LITTLE PIG                         Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed                         and he...signed an eviction notice.                                                             SHREK                         (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where                         this Farquaad guy is?               Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, I do. I know where he is.                                     SHREK                         Does anyone else know where to find                         him? Anyone at all?                                     DONKEY                         Me! Me!                                     SHREK                         Anyone?                                     DONKEY                         Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know!                         Me, me!                                     SHREK                         (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy                         tale things. Do not get comfortable.                         Your welcome is officially worn out.                         In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad                         right now and get you all off my land                         and back where you came from! (Pause.                         Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey)                         You! You're comin' with me.                                     DONKEY                         All right, that's what I like to hear,                         man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart                         friends, off on a whirlwind big-city                         adventure. I love it!                                     DONKEY                         (singing) On the road again. Sing it                         with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get                         on the road again.                                     SHREK                         What did I say about singing?                                     DONKEY                         Can I whistle?                                     SHREK                         No.                                     DONKEY                         Can I hum it?                                     SHREK                         All right, hum it.               Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.               DULOC - KITCHEN               A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually               dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in.                                     FARQUAAD                         That's enough. He's ready to talk.                                       The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down               onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the               table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes               up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.                                                   FARQUAAD                         (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs                         and plays with them) Run, run, run,                         as fast as you can. You can't catch                         me. I'm the gingerbread man.                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         You are a monster.                                     FARQUAAD                         I'm not the monster here. You are. You                         and the rest of that fairy tale trash,                         poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell                         me! Where are the others?                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's                         eye.)                                     FARQUAAD                         I've tried to be fair to you creatures.                         Now my patience has reached its end!                         Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to                         pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons)                                                             GINGERBREAD MAN                         No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop                         buttons.                                     FARQUAAD                         All right then. Who's hiding them?                                                             GINGERBREAD MAN                         Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the                         muffin man?                                     FARQUAAD                         The muffin man?                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         The muffin man.                                     FARQUAAD                         Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives                         on Drury Lane?                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         Well, she's married to the muffin man.                                                             FARQUAAD                         The muffin man?                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         The muffin man!                                     FARQUAAD                         She's married to the muffin man.               The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.                                     HEAD GUARD                         My lord! We found it.                                     FARQUAAD                         Then what are you waiting for? Bring                         it in.               More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet.               They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic               Mirror.                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         (in awe) Ohhhh...                                     FARQUAAD                         Magic mirror...                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks                         him up and dumps him into a trash can                         with a lid.) No!                                     FARQUAAD                         Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall.                         Is this not the most perfect kingdom                         of them all?                                     MIRROR                         Well, technically you're not a king.                                                             FARQUAAD                         Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a                         hand mirror and smashes it with his                         fist.) You were saying?                                     MIRROR                         What I mean is you're not a king yet.                         But you can become one. All you have                         to do is marry a princess.                                     FARQUAAD                         Go on.                                     MIRROR                         (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back                         and relax, my lord, because it's time                         for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes.                         And here they are! Bachelorette number                         one is a mentally abused shut-in from                         a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi                         and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies                         include cooking and cleaning for her                         two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.                         (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette                         number two is a cape-wearing girl from                         the land of fancy. Although she lives                         with seven other men, she's not easy.                         Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and                         find out what a live wire she is. Come                         on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows                         picture of Snow White) And last, but                         certainly not last, bachelorette number                         three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded                         castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!                         But don't let that cool you off. She's                         a loaded pistol who likes pina colads                         and getting caught in the rain. Yours                         for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows                         picture of Princess Fiona) So will it                         be bachelorette number one, bachelorette                         number two or bachelorette number three?                                                             GUARDS                         Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!                                                             FARQUAAD                         Three? One? Three?                                     THELONIUS                         Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number                         three, my lord!                                     FARQUAAD                         Okay, okay, uh, number three!                                     MIRROR     ��                   Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess                         Fiona.                                     FARQUAAD                         Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I                         have to do is just find someone who                         can go...                                     MIRROR                         But I probably should mention the little                         thing that happens at night.                                     FARQUAAD                         I'll do it.                                     MIRROR                         Yes, but after sunset...                                     FARQUAAD                         Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona                         my queen, and DuLoc will finally have                         the perfect king! Captain, assemble                         your finest men. We're going to have                         a tournament. (smiles evilly)               DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section               Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking               lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.                                     DONKEY                         But that's it. That's it right there.                         That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.                                                             SHREK                         So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.                                                             DONKEY                         Uh-huh. That's the place.                                     SHREK                         Do you think maybe he's compensating                         for something? (He laughs, but then                         groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke.                         He continues walking through the parking                         lot.)                                     DONKEY                         Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.                                     MAN                         Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.                                                             SHREK                         Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing                         a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad,                         screams and begins running through the                         rows of rope to get to the front gate                         to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second.                         Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just                         - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins                         walking straight through the rows. The                         attendant runs into a wall and falls                         down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then                         continue on into DuLoc.)               DULOC               They look around but all is quiet.                                     SHREK                         It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?                                                             DONKEY                         Hey, look at this!               Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box               marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors               open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin               to sing.                                     WOODEN PEOPLE                         Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town                                       Here we have some rules               Let us lay them down               Don't make waves, stay in line               And we'll get along fine               DuLoc is perfect place               Please keep off of the grass               Shine your shoes, wipe your... face               DuLoc is, DuLoc is               DuLoc is perfect place.               Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture.                                     DONKEY                         Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready                         to run over and pull the lever again)                                                             SHREK                         (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still)                         No. No. No, no, no! No.               They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.                                     FARQUAAD                         Brave knights. You are the best and                         brightest in all the land. Today one                         of you shall prove himself...               As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena               Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song.                                     SHREK                         All right. You're going the right way                         for a smacked bottom.                                     DONKEY                         Sorry about that.                                     FARQUAAD                         That champion shall have the honor -                         - no, no - - the privilege to go forth                         and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona                         from the fiery keep of the dragon. If                         for any reason the winner is unsuccessful,                         the first runner-up will take his place                         and so on and so forth. Some of you                         may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing                         to make. (cheers) Let the tournament                         begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is                         that? It's hideous!                                     SHREK                         (turns to look at Donkey and then back                         at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice.                         It's just a donkey.                                     FARQUAAD                         Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who                         kills the ogre will be named champion!                         Have it him!                                     MEN                         Get him!                                     SHREK                         Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps                         into a table where there are mugs of                         beer)                                     CROWD                         Go ahead! Get him!                                     SHREK                         (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just                         settle this over a pint?                                     CROWD                         Kill the beast!                                     SHREK                         No? All right then. (drinks the beer)                         Come on!               He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel               of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the               other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides               past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped.               As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger               beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll.               Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much               fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice               to say that Shrek kicks butt.                                     DONKEY                         Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!               Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek               gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.                                     SHREK                         Yeah!               A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time               and sees him.                                     WOMAN                         The chair! Give him the chair!               Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men               are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding               sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.                                     SHREK                         Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you                         very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try                         the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)               The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on               Shrek.                                     HEAD GUARD                         Shall I give the order, sir?                                     FARQUAAD                         No, I have a better idea. People of                         DuLoc, I give you our champion!                                     SHREK                         What?                                     FARQUAAD                         Congratulations, ogre. You're won the                         honor of embarking on a great and noble                         quest.                                     SHREK                         Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest                         to get my swamp back.                                     FARQUAAD                         Your swamp?                                     SHREK                         Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those                         fairy tale creatures!                                     FARQUAAD                         Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you                         a deal. Go on this quest for me, and                         I'll give you your swamp back.                                     SHREK                         Exactly the way it was?                                     FARQUAAD                         Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.                                                             SHREK                         And the squatters?                                     FARQUAAD                         As good as gone.                                     SHREK                         What kind of quest?               Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field               heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.                                     DONKEY                         Let me get this straight. You're gonna                         go fight a dragon and rescue a princess                         just so Farquaad will give you back                         a swamp which you only don't have because                         he filled it full of freaks in the first                         place. Is that about right?                                     SHREK                         You know, maybe there's a good reason                         donkeys shouldn't talk.                                     DONKEY                         I don't get it. Why don't you just pull                         some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle                         him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds                         his bones to make your bread, the whole                         ogre trip.                                     SHREK                         Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have                         decapitated an entire village and put                         their heads on a pike, gotten a knife,                         cut open their spleen and drink their                         fluids. Does that sound good to you?                                                             DONKEY                         Uh, no, not really, no.                                     SHREK                         For your information, there's a lot                         more to ogres than people think.                                     DONKEY                         Example?                                     SHREK                         Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions.                         (he holds out his onion)                                     DONKEY                         (sniffs the onion) They stink?                                     SHREK                         Yes - - No!                                     DONKEY                         They make you cry?                                     SHREK                         No!                                     DONKEY                         You leave them in the sun, they get                         all brown, start sproutin' little white                         hairs.                                     SHREK                         No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres                         have layers! Onions have layers. You                         get it? We both have layers. (he heaves                         a sigh and then walks off)                                     DONKEY                         (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both                         have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know,                         not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody                         loves cakes! Cakes have layers.                                     SHREK                         I don't care... what everyone likes.                         Ogres are not like cakes.                                     DONKEY                         You know what else everybody likes?                         Parfaits. Have you ever met a person,                         you say, "Let's get some parfait," they                         say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"?                         Parfaits are delicious.                                     SHREK                         No! You dense, irritating, miniature                         beast of burden! Ogres are like onions!                         And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.                                                             DONKEY                         Parfaits may be the most delicious thing                         on the whole damn planet.                                     SHREK                         You know, I think I preferred your humming.                                                             DONKEY                         Do you have a tissue or something? I'm                         making a mess. Just the word parfait                         make me start slobbering.               They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through               a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying               to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem,               so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out.               DRAGON'S KEEP               Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to               house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano.                                                   DONKEY                         (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?                         You gotta warn somebody before you just                         crack one off. My mouth was open and                         everything.                                     SHREK                         Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd                         be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We                         must be getting close.                                     DONKEY                         Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking                         about it's the brimstone. I know what                         I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It                         didn't come off no stone neither.                                       They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There               is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where               the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very               foreboding.                                     SHREK                         Sure, it's big enough, but look at the                         location. (laughs...then the laugh turns                         into a groan)                                     DONKEY                         Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said                         ogres have layers?                                     SHREK                         Oh, aye.                                     DONKEY                         Well, I have a bit of a confession to                         make. Donkeys don't have layers. We                         wear our fear right out there on our                         sleeves.                                     SHREK                         Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.                                                             DONKEY                         You know what I mean.                                     SHREK                         You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.                                                             DONKEY                         No, I'm just a little uncomfortable                         about being on a rickety bridge over                         a boiling like of lava!                                     SHREK                         Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside                         ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll                         just tackle this thing together one                         little baby step at a time.                                     DONKEY                         Really?                                     SHREK                         Really, really.                                     DONKEY                         Okay, that makes me feel so much better.                                                             SHREK                         Just keep moving. And don't look down.                                                             DONKEY                         Okay, don't look down. Don't look down.                         Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't                         look down. (he steps through a rotting                         board and ends up looking straight down                         into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down!                         Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me                         off, please!                                     SHREK                         But you're already halfway.                                     DONKEY                         But I know that half is safe!                                     SHREK                         Okay, fine. I don't have time for this.                         You go back.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, no! Wait!                                     SHREK                         Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance                         then, shall me? (bounces and sways the                         bridge)                                     DONKEY                         Don't do that!                                     SHREK                         Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces                         the bridge again)                                     DONKEY                         Yes, that!                                     SHREK                         Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to                         bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across                         the bridge)                                     DONKEY                         No, Shrek! No! Stop it!                                     SHREK                         You said do it! I'm doin' it.                                     DONKEY                         I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek,                         I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground)                         Oh!                                     SHREK                         That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks                         towards the castle)                                     DONKEY                         Cool. So where is this fire-breathing                         pain-in-the-neck anyway?                                     SHREK                         Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.                         (chuckles)                                     DONKEY                         I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.                                       INSIDE THE CASTLE                                     DONKEY                         You afraid?                                     SHREK                         No.                                     DONKEY                         But...                                     SHREK                         Shh.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton                         and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong                         with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible                         response to an unfamiliar situation.                         Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might                         add. With a dragon that breathes fire                         and eats knights and breathes fire,                         it sure doesn't mean you're a coward                         if you're a little scared. I sure as                         heck ain't no coward. I know that.                                                             SHREK                         Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up.                         Now go over there and see if you can                         find any stairs.                                     DONKEY                         Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for                         the princess.                                     SHREK                         (putting on a helmet) The princess will                         be up the stairs in the highest room                         in the tallest tower.                                     DONKEY                         What makes you think she'll be there?                                                             SHREK                         I read it in a book once. (walks off)                                                             DONKEY                         Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle                         the stairs. I'll find those stairs.                         I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs                         won't know which way they're goin'.                         (walks off)               EMPTY ROOM               Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room.                                                   DONKEY                         I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it                         to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm                         the stair master. I've mastered the                         stairs. I wish I had a step right here.                         I'd step all over it.               ELSEWHERE               Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window.                                     SHREK                         Well, at least we know where the princess                         is, but where's the...                                     DONKEY                         (os) Dragon!               Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again.               Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon               breathes fire.                                     SHREK                         Donkey, look out! (he manages to get                         a hold of the dragons tail and holds                         on) Got ya!               The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek               goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the               tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying               on the floor.                                     DONKEY                         Oh! Aah! Aah!               Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small               part of the bridge he's on.                                     DONKEY                         No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh,                         what large teeth you have. (the dragon                         growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth.                         I know you probably hear this all time                         from your food, but you must bleach,                         'cause that is one dazzling smile you                         got there. Do I detect a hint of minty                         freshness? And you know what else? You're                         - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure!                         I mean, of course you're a girl dragon.                         You're just reeking of feminine beauty.                         (the dragon begins fluttering her eyes                         at him) What's the matter with you?                         You got something in your eye? Ohh.                         Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay,                         but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon                         blows a smoke ring in the shape of a                         heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm                         an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd                         work out if you're gonna blow smoke                         rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him                         up with her teeth and carries him off)                         No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!               FIONA'S ROOM               Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona               so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She               then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off               the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep.               Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for               a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders               and shakes her away.                                     FIONA                         Oh! Oh!                                     SHREK                         Wake up!                                     FIONA                         What?                                     SHREK                         Are you Princess Fiona?                                     FIONA                         I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to                         rescue me.                                     SHREK                         Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!                                     FIONA                         But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our                         first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful,                         romantic moment?                                     SHREK                         Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.                                                             FIONA                         Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should                         sweep me off my feet out yonder window                         and down a rope onto your valiant steed.                                                             SHREK                         You've had a lot of time to plan this,                         haven't you?                                     FIONA                         (smiles) Mm-hmm.               Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down               the hallway.                                     FIONA                         But we have to savor this moment! You                         could recite an epic poem for me. A                         ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!                                                             SHREK                         I don't think so.                                     FIONA                         Can I at least know the name of my champion?                                                             SHREK                         Uh, Shrek.                                     FIONA                         Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds                         out a handkerchief) I pray that you                         take this favor as a token of my gratitude.                                                             SHREK                         Thanks!               Suddenly they hear the dragon roar.                                     FIONA                         (surprised)You didn't slay the dragon?                                                             SHREK                         It's on my to-do list. Now come on!                         (takes off running and drags Fiona behind                         him.)                                     FIONA                         But this isn't right! You were meant                         to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying.                         That's what all the other knights did.                                                             SHREK                         Yeah, right before they burst into flame.                                                             FIONA                         That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly                         stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek                         ignores her and heads for a wooden door                         off to the side.) Wait. Where are you                         going? The exit's over there.                                     SHREK                         Well, I have to save my ass.                                     FIONA                         What kind of knight are you?                                     SHREK                         One of a kind. (opens the door into                         the throne room)                                     DONKEY                         (os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please.                         I believe it's healthy to get to know                         someone over a long period of time.                         Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs                         worriedly) (we see him up close and                         from a distance as Shrek sneaks into                         the room) I don't want to rush into                         a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally                         ready for a commitment of, uh, this                         - - Magnitude really is the word I'm                         looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that                         is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what                         are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just                         back up a little and take this one step                         at a time. We really should get to know                         each other first as friends or pen pals.                         I'm on the road a lot, but I just love                         receiving cards - - I'd really love                         to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's                         my tail! That's my personal tail. You're                         gonna tear it off. I don't give permission                         - - What are you gonna do with that?                         Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No.                         No, no, no. No! Oh!               Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings               toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks               up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head.               He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps               Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him.               Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and               roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto               her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms               a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey               take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and               then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her.                                     DONKEY                         Hi, Princess!                                     FIONA                         It talks!                                     SHREK                         Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's                         the trick.               They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots               a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a               crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His               eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles               off and walks lightly.                                     SHREK                         Oh!               Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona.                                                   SHREK                         Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll                         take care of the dragon.               Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the               castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping               chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that               is still around the dragons neck.                                     SHREK                         (echoing) Run!               They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot               pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons               breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on               for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They               are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look               in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to               get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the               dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs               quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a               sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away.                                     FIONA                         (sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You                         did it! You rescued me! You're amazing.                         (behind her Donkey falls down the hill)                         You're - - You're wonderful. You're...                         (turns and sees Shrek fall down the                         hill and bump into Donkey) a little                         unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed                         is great, and thy heart is pure. I am                         eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears                         his throat.) And where would a brave                         knight be without his noble steed?                                                             DONKEY                         I hope you heard that. She called me                         a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.                                                             FIONA                         The battle is won. You may remove your                         helmet, good Sir Knight.                                     SHREK                         Uh, no.                                     FIONA                         Why not?                                     SHREK                         I have helmet hair.                                     FIONA                         Please. I would'st look upon the face                         of my rescuer.                                     SHREK                         No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.                                     FIONA                         But how will you kiss me?                                     SHREK                         What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the                         job description.                                     DONKEY                         Maybe it's a perk.                                     FIONA                         No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know                         how it goes. A princess locked in a                         tower and beset by a dragon is rescued                         by a brave knight, and then they share                         true love's first kiss.                                     DONKEY                         Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait.                         Wait. You think that Shrek is you true                         love?                                     FIONA                         Well, yes.               Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing.                                     DONKEY                         You think Shrek is your true love!                                                             FIONA                         What is so funny?                                     SHREK                         Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona:                         Of course, you are. You're my rescuer.                         Now - - Now remove your helmet.                                     SHREK                         Look. I really don't think this is a                         good idea.                                     FIONA                         Just take off the helmet.                                     SHREK                         I'm not going to.                                     FIONA                         Take it off.                                     SHREK                         No!                                     FIONA                         Now!                                     SHREK                         Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.                         (takes off his helmet)                                     FIONA                         You- - You're a- - an ogre.                                     SHREK                         Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.                                                             FIONA                         Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is                         all wrong. You're not supposed to be                         an ogre.                                     SHREK                         Princess, I was sent to rescue you by                         Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who                         wants to marry you.                                     FIONA                         Then why didn't he come rescue me?                                                             SHREK                         Good question. You should ask him that                         when we get there.                                     FIONA                         But I have to be rescued by my true                         love, not by some ogre and his- - his                         pet.                                     DONKEY                         Well, so much for noble steed.                                     SHREK                         You're not making my job any easier.                                                             FIONA                         I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem.                         You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he                         wants to rescue me properly, I'll be                         waiting for him right here.                                     SHREK                         Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all                         right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy.                         (he swiftly picks her up and swings                         her over his shoulder like she was a                         sack of potatoes)                                     FIONA                         You wouldn't dare. Put me down!                                     SHREK                         Ya comin', Donkey?                                     DONKEY                         I'm right behind ya.                                     FIONA                         Put me down, or you will suffer the                         consequences! This is not dignified!                         Put me down!               WOODS               A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just               hangs there limply while Shrek carries her.                                     DONKEY                         Okay, so here's another question. Say                         there's a woman that digs you, right,                         but you don't really like her that way.                         How do you let her down real easy so                         her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't                         get burned to a crisp and eaten?                                     FIONA                         You just tell her she's not your true                         love. Everyone knows what happens when                         you find your...(Shrek drops her on                         the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to                         DuLoc the better.                                     DONKEY                         You're gonna love it there, Princess.                         It's beautiful!                                     FIONA                         And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad?                         What's he like?                                     SHREK                         Let me put it this way, Princess. Men                         of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.                         (he and Donkey laugh)               Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off               the dust and grime.                                     DONKEY                         I don't know. There are those who think                         little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona:                         Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're                         just jealous you can never measure up                         to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.                                                             SHREK                         Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess.                         But I'll let you do the "measuring"                         when you see him tomorrow.                                     FIONA                         (looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow?                         It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop                         to make camp?                                     SHREK                         No, that'll take longer. We can keep                         going.                                     FIONA                         But there's robbers in the woods.                                     DONKEY                         Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting                         to sound good.                                     SHREK                         Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything                         we're going to see in this forest.                                                             FIONA                         I need to find somewhere to camp now!                                       Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her.                             MOUNTAIN CLIFF               Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves               a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave.                                     SHREK                         Hey! Over here.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, we can do better than that. I                         don't think this is fit for a princess.                                                             FIONA                         No, no, it's perfect. It just needs                         a few homey touches.                                     SHREK                         Homey touches? Like what? (he hears                         a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona                         who has torn the bark off of a tree.)                                                             FIONA                         A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee                         good night. (goes into the cave and                         puts the bark door up behind her)                                                             DONKEY                         You want me to read you a bedtime story?                         I will.                                     FIONA                         (os) I said good night!               Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the               boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona               still inside.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, What are you doing?                                     SHREK                         (laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh,                         come on. I was just kidding.               LATER THAT NIGHT               Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring               up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations               to Donkey.                                     SHREK                         And, uh, that one, that's Throwback,                         the only ogre to ever spit over three                         wheat fields.                                     DONKEY                         Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future                         from these stars?                                     SHREK                         The stars don't tell the future, Donkey.                         They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut,                         the Flatulent. You can guess what he's                         famous for.                                     DONKEY                         I know you're making this up.                                     SHREK                         No, look. There he is, and there's the                         group of hunters running away from his                         stench.                                     DONKEY                         That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little                         dots.                                     SHREK                         You know, Donkey, sometimes things are                         more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.                                                             DONKEY                         (heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what                         we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?                                                             SHREK                         Our swamp?                                     DONKEY                         You know, when we're through rescuing                         the princess.                                     SHREK                         We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's                         no "our". There's just me and my swamp.                         The first thing I'm gonna do is build                         a ten-foot wall around my land.                                     DONKEY                         You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real                         deep just now. You know what I think?                         I think this whole wall thing is just                         a way to keep somebody out.                                     SHREK                         No, do ya think?                                     DONKEY                         Are you hidin' something?                                     SHREK                         Never mind, Donkey.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, this is another one of those onion                         things, isn't it?                                     SHREK                         No, this is one of those drop-it and                         leave-it alone things.                                     DONKEY                         Why don't you want to talk about it?                                                             SHREK                         Why do you want to talk about it?                                     DONKEY                         Why are you blocking?                                     SHREK                         I'm not blocking.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, yes, you are.                                     SHREK                         Donkey, I'm warning you.                                     DONKEY                         Who you trying to keep out?                                     SHREK                         Everyone! Okay?                                     DONKEY                         (pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.                         (grins)               At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to               the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her.                                     SHREK                         Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and                         walks over to the edge of the cliff                         and sits down)                                     DONKEY                         What's your problem? What you got against                         the whole world anyway?                                     SHREK                         Look, I'm not the one with the problem,                         okay? It's the world that seems to have                         a problem with me. People take one look                         at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big,                         stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before                         they even know me. That's why I'm better                         off alone.                                     DONKEY                         You know what? When we met, I didn't                         think you was just a big, stupid, ugly                         ogre.                                     SHREK                         Yeah, I know.                                     DONKEY                         So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?                                                             SHREK                         Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small                         and Annoying.                                     DONKEY                         Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny                         one, right there. That one there?                                       Fiona puts the door back.                                     SHREK                         That's the moon.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, okay.               DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom               The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays               in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic               Mirror shows him Princess Fiona.                                     FARQUAAD                         Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror,                         show her to me. Show me the princess.                                                             MIRROR                         Hmph.               The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning.                                                   FARQUAAD                         Ah. Perfect.               Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up               to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly               at her image in the mirror.               MORNING               Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey               who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes               across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along               with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles               to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too               big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but               she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona               is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still               sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking               in his sleep.                                     DONKEY                         (quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like                         it like that. Come on, baby. I said                         I like it.                                     SHREK                         Donkey, wake up. (shakes him)                                     DONKEY                         Huh? What?                                     SHREK                         Wake up.                                     DONKEY                         What? (stretches and yawns)                                     FIONA                         Good morning. Hm, how do you like your                         eggs?                                     DONKEY                         Oh, good morning, Princess!               Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them.                                     SHREK                         What's all this about?                                     FIONA                         You know, we kind of got off to a bad                         start yesterday. I wanted to make it                         up to you. I mean, after all, you did                         rescue me.                                     SHREK                         Uh, thanks.               Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips.                                     FIONA                         Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead                         of us. (walks off)               LATER               They are once again on their way. They are walking through the               forest. Shrek belches.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek!                                     SHREK                         What? It's a compliment. Better out                         than in, I always say. (laughs)                                     DONKEY                         Well, it's no way to behave in front                         of a princess.               Fiona belches                                     FIONA                         Thanks.                                     DONKEY                         She's as nasty as you are.                                     SHREK                         (chuckles) You know, you're not exactly                         what I expected.                                     FIONA                         Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people                         before you get to know them.               She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly               from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into               a tree.                                     ROBIN HOOD                         La liberte! Hey!                                     SHREK                         Princess!                                     FIONA                         (to Robin Hood) What are you doing?                                                             ROBIN HOOD                         Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior!                         And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses                         up her arm while Fiona pulls back in                         disgust)...beast.                                     SHREK                         Hey! That's my princess! Go find you                         own!                                     ROBIN HOOD                         Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a                         little busy here?                                     FIONA                         (getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't                         know who you think you are!                                     ROBIN HOOD                         Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please                         let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men.                         (laughs)               Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out               from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song.                                     MERRY MEN                         Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.                                     ROBIN HOOD                         I steal from the rich and give to the                         needy.                                     MERRY MEN                         He takes a wee percentage,                                     ROBIN HOOD                         But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty                         damsels, man, I'm good.                                     MERRY MEN                         What a guy, Monsieur Hood.                                     ROBIN HOOD                         Break it down. I like an honest fight                         and a saucy little maid...                                     MERRY MEN                         What he's basically saying is he likes                         to get...                                     ROBIN HOOD                         Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush                         grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad.                                                             MERRY MEN                         That's bad.                                     ROBIN HOOD                         When a beauty's with a beast it makes                         me awfully mad.                                     MERRY MEN                         He's mad, he's really, really mad.                                                             ROBIN HOOD                         I'll take my blade and ram it through                         your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys                         'cause I'm about to start...               There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and               knocks Robin Hood unconscious.                                     FIONA                         Man, that was annoying!               Shrek looks at her in admiration.                                     MERRY MAN                         Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at                         Fiona but she ducks out of the way)                                       The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to               get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree.                             Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and               then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is               a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in               mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down,               and Fiona begins walking away.                                     FIONA                         Uh, shall we?                                     SHREK                         Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins                         walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa,                         whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come                         from?                                     FIONA                         What?                                     SHREK                         That! Back there. That was amazing!                         Where did you learn that?                                     FIONA                         Well...(laughs) when one lives alone,                         uh, one has to learn these things in                         case there's a...(gasps and points)                         there's an arrow in your butt!                                     SHREK                         What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you                         look at that? (he goes to pull it out                         but flinches because it's tender)                                                             FIONA                         Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so                         sorry.                                     DONKEY                         (walking up) Why? What's wrong?                                     FIONA                         Shrek's hurt.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no,                         Shrek's gonna die.                                     SHREK                         Donkey, I'm okay.                                     DONKEY                         You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm                         too young for you to die. Keep you legs                         elevated. Turn your head and cough.                         Does anyone know the Heimlich?                                     FIONA                         Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help                         Shrek, run into the woods and find me                         a blue flower with red thorns.                                     DONKEY                         Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on                         it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die                         Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay                         away from the light!                                     SHREK & FIONA                         Donkey!                                     DONKEY                         Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.                         (runs off)                                     SHREK                         What are the flowers for?                                     FIONA                         (like it's obvious) For getting rid                         of Donkey.                                     SHREK                         Ah.                                     FIONA                         Now you hold still, and I'll yank this                         thing out. (gives the arrow a little                         pull)                                     SHREK                         (jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the                         yankin'.               As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and               Shrek keeps dodging her hands.                                     FIONA                         I'm sorry, but it has to come out.                                                             SHREK                         No, it's tender.                                     FIONA                         Now, hold on.                                     SHREK                         What you're doing is the opposite of                         help.                                     FIONA                         Don't move.                                     SHREK                         Look, time out.                                     FIONA                         Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his                         hand over her face to stop her from                         getting at the arrow) Okay. What do                         you propose we do?               ELSEWHERE               Donkey is still looking for the special flower.                                     DONKEY                         Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower,                         red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns.                         This would be so much easier if I wasn't                         color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.                                                             SHREK                         (os) Ow!                                     DONKEY                         Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a                         flower off a nearby bush that just happens                         to be a blue flower with red thorns)                                       THE FOREST PATH                                     SHREK                         Ow! Not good.                                     FIONA                         Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.                         (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just                         about...                                     SHREK                         Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall                         over with Fiona on top of him)                                     DONKEY                         Ahem.                                     SHREK                         (throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing                         happend. We were just, uh - -                                     DONKEY                         Look, if you wanted to be alone, all                         you had to do was ask. Okay?                                     SHREK                         Oh, come on! That's the last thing on                         my mind. The princess here was just-                         - (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he                         turns to look at Fiona who holds up                         the arrow with a smile) Ow!                                     DONKEY                         Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle)                         That's...is that blood?               Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue               on their way.               There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc.               Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a               small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as               Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back               into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting               and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb               that's on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it               around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins               eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers.               Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting               it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning               it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group               arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc.               WINDMILL                                     SHREK                         There it is, Princess. Your future awaits                         you.                                     FIONA                         That's DuLoc?                                     DONKEY                         Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks                         Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,                         which I think means he has a really...(Shrek                         steps on his hoof) Ow!                                     SHREK                         Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move                         on.                                     FIONA                         Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried                         about Donkey.                                     SHREK                         What?                                     FIONA                         I mean, look at him. He doesn't look                         so good.                                     DONKEY                         What are you talking about? I'm fine.                                                             FIONA                         (kneels to look him in the eyes) That's                         what they always say, and then next                         thing you know, you're on your back.                         (pause) Dead.                                     SHREK                         You know, she's right. You look awful.                         Do you want to sit down?                                     FIONA                         Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.                                                             DONKEY                         I didn't want to say nothin', but I                         got this twinge in my neck, and when                         I turn my head like this, look, (turns                         his neck in a very sharp way until his                         head is completely sideways) Ow! See?                                                             SHREK                         Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.                                                             FIONA                         I'll get the firewood.                                     DONKEY                         Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't                         feel my toes! (looks down and yelps)                         I don't have any toes! I think I need                         a hug.               SUNSET               Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while               Fiona eats.                                     FIONA                         Mmm. This is good. This is really good.                         What is this?                                     SHREK                         Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style.                                     FIONA                         No kidding. Well, this is delicious.                                                             SHREK                         Well, they're also great in stews. Now,                         I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean                         weed rat stew. (chuckles)               Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs.                                     FIONA                         I guess I'll be dining a little differently                         tomorrow night.                                     SHREK                         Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp                         sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff                         for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare                         - - you name it.                                     FIONA                         (smiles) I'd like that.               They smiles at each other.                                     SHREK                         Um, Princess?                                     FIONA                         Yes, Shrek?                                     SHREK                         I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs)                         Are you gonna eat that?                                     DONKEY                         (chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic?                         Just look at that sunset.                                     FIONA                         (jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's                         late. I-It's very late.                                     SHREK                         What?                                     DONKEY                         Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on                         here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't                         you?                                     FIONA                         Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified.                         You know, I'd better go inside.                                     DONKEY                         Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to                         be afraid of the dark, too, until -                         - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of                         the dark.               Shrek sighs                                     FIONA                         Good night.                                     SHREK                         Good night.               Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks               at Shrek with a new eye.                                     DONKEY                         Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on                         here.                                     SHREK                         Oh, what are you talkin' about?                                     DONKEY                         I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm                         an animal, and I got instincts. And                         I know you two were diggin' on each                         other. I could feel it.                                     SHREK                         You're crazy. I'm just bringing her                         back to Farquaad.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell                         the pheromones. Just go on in and tell                         her how you feel.                                     SHREK                         I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides,                         even if I did tell her that, well, you                         know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause                         I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm                         - -                                     DONKEY                         An ogre?                                     SHREK                         Yeah. An ogre.                                     DONKEY                         Hey, where you goin'?                                     SHREK                         To get... move firewood. (sighs)               Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already               is.               TIME LAPSE               Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is               nowhere to be seen.                                     DONKEY                         Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess,                         where are you? Princess?               Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her.                                                   DONKEY                         It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing                         no games.               Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't               look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking               out.                                     DONKEY                         Aah!                                     FIONA                         Oh, no!                                     DONKEY                         No, help!                                     FIONA                         Shh!                                     DONKEY                         Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!                                     FIONA                         No, it's okay. It's okay.                                     DONKEY                         What did you do with the princess?                                                             FIONA                         Donkey, I'm the princess.                                     DONKEY                         Aah!                                     FIONA                         It's me, in this body.                                     DONKEY                         Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to                         her stomach) Can you hear me?                                     FIONA                         Donkey!                                     DONKEY                         (still aimed at her stomach) Listen,                         keep breathing! I'll get you out of                         there!                                     FIONA                         No!                                     DONKEY                         Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!                                     FIONA                         Shh.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek!                                     FIONA                         This is me.               Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets               down.                                     DONKEY                         Princess? What happened to you? You're,                         uh, uh, uh, different.                                     FIONA                         I'm ugly, okay?                                     DONKEY                         Well, yeah! Was it something you ate?                         'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a                         bad idea. You are what you eat, I said.                         Now - -                                     FIONA                         No. I - - I've been this way as long                         as I can remember.                                     DONKEY                         What do you mean? Look, I ain't never                         seen you like this before.                                     FIONA                         It only happens when sun goes down.                         "By night one way, by day another. This                         shall be the norm... until you find                         true love's first kiss... and then take                         love's true form."                                     DONKEY                         Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know                         you wrote poetry.                                     FIONA                         It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little                         girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every                         night I become this. This horrible,                         ugly beast! I was placed in a tower                         to await the day my true love would                         rescue me. That's why I have to marry                         Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun                         sets and he sees me like this. (begins                         to cry)                                     DONKEY                         All right, all right. Calm down. Look,                         it's not that bad. You're not that ugly.                         Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly.                         But you only look like this at night.                         Shrek's ugly 24-7.                                     FIONA                         But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this                         is not how a princess is meant to look.                                                             DONKEY                         Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry                         Farquaad?                                     FIONA                         I have to. Only my true love's kiss                         can break the spell.                                     DONKEY                         But, you know, um, you're kind of an                         orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a                         lot in common.                                     FIONA                         Shrek?               OUTSIDE               Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his               hand.                                     SHREK                         (to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's                         it going, first of all? Good? Um, good                         for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower                         and thought of you because it's pretty                         and - - well, I don't really like it,                         but I thought you might like it 'cause                         you're pretty. But I like you anyway.                         I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble.                         Okay, here we go.               He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey               and Fiona talking.                                     FIONA                         (os) I can't just marry whoever I want.                         Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean,                         really, who can ever love a beast so                         hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly"                         don't go together. That's why I can't                         stay here with Shrek.               Shrek steps back in shock.                                     FIONA                         (os) My only chance to live happily                         ever after is to marry my true love.                                       Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks               away.               INSIDE                                     FIONA                         Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how                         it has to be. It's the only way to break                         the spell.                                     DONKEY                         You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.                                                             FIONA                         No! You can't breathe a word. No one                         must ever know.                                     DONKEY                         What's the point of being able to talk                         if you gotta keep secrets?                                     FIONA                         Promise you won't tell. Promise!                                     DONKEY                         All right, all right. I won't tell him.                         But you should. (goes outside) I just                         know before this is over, I'm gonna                         need a whole lot of serious therapy.                         Look at my eye twitchin'.               Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks               down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back               inside the windmill.               MORNING               Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still               awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower.                                     FIONA                         I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him,                         I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly                         runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek!                         Shrek, there's something I want...(she                         looks and sees the rising sun, and as                         the sun crests the sky she turns back                         into a human.)               Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards               her.                                     FIONA                         Shrek. Are you all right?                                     SHREK                         Perfect! Never been better.                                     FIONA                         I - - I don't - - There's something                         I have to tell you.                                     SHREK                         You don't have to tell me anything,                         Princess. I heard enough last night.                                                             FIONA                         You heard what I said?                                     SHREK                         Every word.                                     FIONA                         I thought you'd understand.                                     SHREK                         Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who                         could love a hideous, ugly beast?"                                                             FIONA                         But I thought that wouldn't matter to                         you.                                     SHREK                         Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at                         him in shock. He looks past her and                         spots a group approaching.) Ah, right                         on time. Princess, I've brought you                         a little something.               Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal               sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only               like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers               march by.                                     DONKEY                         What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots                         the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that?                         Couldn't have been the donkey.                                     FARQUAAD                         Princess Fiona.                                     SHREK                         As promised. Now hand it over.                                     FARQUAAD                         Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece                         of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared                         out, as agreed. Take it and go before                         I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper)                         Forgive me, Princess, for startling                         you, but you startled me, for I have                         never seen such a radiant beauty before.                         I'm Lord Farquaad.                                     FIONA                         Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad                         snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord,                         for I was just saying a short... (Watches                         as Farquaad is lifted off his horse                         and set down in front of her. He comes                         to her waist.) farewell.                                     FARQUAAD                         Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have                         to waste good manners on the ogre. It's                         not like it has feelings.                                     FIONA                         No, you're right. It doesn't.               Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face.                                                   FARQUAAD                         Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless                         Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.                         Will you be the perfect bride for the                         perfect groom?                                     FIONA                         Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would                         make - -                                     FARQUAAD                         (interrupting) Excellent! I'll start                         the plans, for tomorrow we wed!                                     FIONA                         No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get                         married today before the sun sets.                                                             FARQUAAD                         Oh, anxious, are you? You're right.                         The sooner, the better. There's so much                         to do! There's the caterer, the cake,                         the band, the guest list. Captain, round                         up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona                         on the back of his horse)                                     FIONA                         Fare-thee-well, ogre.               Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches               them go.                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting                         her get away.                                     SHREK                         Yeah? So what?                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, there's something about her you                         don't know. Look, I talked to her last                         night, She's - -                                     SHREK                         I know you talked to her last night.                         You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if                         you two are such good friends, why don't                         you follow her home?                                     DONKEY                         Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.                                     SHREK                         I told you, didn't I? You're not coming                         home with me. I live alone! My swamp!                         Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody!                         Especially useless, pathetic, annoying,                         talking donkeys!                                     DONKEY                         But I thought - -                                     SHREK                         Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong!                         (stomps off)                                     DONKEY                         Shrek.               Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona               being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running               into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner               alone. Shrek eating dinner alone.               SHREK'S HOME               Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes               outside to investigate.                                     SHREK                         Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues                         with what he's doing.) What are you                         doing?                                     DONKEY                         I would think, of all people, you would                         recognize a wall when you see one.                                                             SHREK                         Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed                         to go around my swamp, not through it.                                                             DONKEY                         It is around your half. See that's your                         half, and this is my half.                                     SHREK                         Oh! Your half. Hmm.                                     DONKEY                         Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess.                         I did half the work. I get half the                         booty. Now hand me that big old rock,                         the one that looks like your head.                                                             SHREK                         Back off!                                     DONKEY                         No, you back off.                                     SHREK                         This is my swamp!                                     DONKEY                         Our swamp.                                     SHREK                         (grabs the tree branch Donkey is working                         with) Let go, Donkey!                                     DONKEY                         You let go.                                     SHREK                         Stubborn jackass!                                     DONKEY                         Smelly ogre.                                     SHREK                         Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks                         away)                                     DONKEY                         Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through                         with you yet.                                     SHREK                         Well, I'm through with you.                                     DONKEY                         Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always,                         "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now                         it's my turn! So you just shut up and                         pay attention! You are mean to me. You                         insult me and you don't appreciate anything                         that I do! You're always pushing me                         around or pushing me away.                                     SHREK                         Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so                         bad, how come you came back?                                     DONKEY                         Because that's what friends do! They                         forgive each other!                                     SHREK                         Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive                         you... for stabbin' me in the back!                         (goes into the outhouse and slams the                         door)                                     DONKEY                         Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers,                         onion boy, you're afraid of your own                         feelings.                                     SHREK                         (os) Go away!                                     DONKEY                         There you are , doing it again just                         like you did to Fiona. All she ever                         do was like you, maybe even love you.                                                             SHREK                         (os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a                         hideous creature. I heard the two of                         you talking.                                     DONKEY                         She wasn't talkin' about you. She was                         talkin' about, uh, somebody else.                                                             SHREK                         (opens the door and comes out) She wasn't                         talking about me? Well, then who was                         she talking about?                                     DONKEY                         Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything.                         You don't wanna listen to me. Right?                         Right?                                     SHREK                         Donkey!                                     DONKEY                         No!                                     SHREK                         Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh)                         I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big,                         stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?                                                             DONKEY                         Hey, that's what friends are for, right?                                                             SHREK                         Right. Friends?                                     DONKEY                         Friends.                                     SHREK                         So, um, what did Fiona say about me?                                                             DONKEY                         What are you asking me for? Why don't                         you just go ask her?                                     SHREK                         The wedding! We'll never make it in                         time.                                     DONKEY                         Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's                         a will, there's a way and I have a way.                         (whistles)               Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so               they can climb on.                                     SHREK                         Donkey?                                     DONKEY                         I guess it's just my animal magnetism.                                       They both laugh.                                     SHREK                         Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a                         noogie)                                     DONKEY                         All right, all right. Don't get all                         slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All                         right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't                         had a chance to install the seat belts                         yet.               They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc.               DULOC - CHURCH               Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there.               The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'.                                                   PRIEST                         People of DuLoc, we gather here today                         to bear witness to the union....                                     FIONA                         (eyeing the setting sun) Um-                                     PRIEST                         ...of our new king...                                     FIONA                         Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead                         to the "I do's"?                                     FARQUAAD                         (chuckles and then motions to the priest                         to indulge Fiona) Go on.               COURTYARD               Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with               a boom. The guards all take off running.                                     DONKEY                         (to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN.                         If we need you, I'll whistle. How about                         that? (she nods and goes after the guards)                         Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You                         wanna do this right, don't you?                                     SHREK                         (at the Church door) What are you talking                         about?                                     DONKEY                         There's a line you gotta wait for. The                         preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or                         forever hold your peace." That's when                         you say, "I object!"                                     SHREK                         I don't have time for this!                                     DONKEY                         Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen                         to me! Look, you love this woman, don't                         you?                                     SHREK                         Yes.                                     DONKEY                         You wanna hold her?                                     SHREK                         Yes.                                     DONKEY                         Please her?                                     SHREK                         Yes!                                     DONKEY                         (singing James Brown style) Then you                         got to, got to try a little tenderness.                         (normal) The chicks love that romantic                         crap!                                     SHREK                         All right! Cut it out. When does this                         guy say the line?                                     DONKEY                         We gotta check it out.               INSIDE CHURCH               As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the               windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see.                                     PRIEST                         And so, by the power vested in me...                                       Outside                                     SHREK                         What do you see?                                     DONKEY                         The whole town's in there.               Inside                                     PRIEST                         I now pronounce you husband and wife...                                       Outside                                     DONKEY                         They're at the altar.               Inside                                     PRIEST                         ...king and queen.               Outside                                     DONKEY                         Mother Fletcher! He already said it.                                                             SHREK                         Oh, for the love of Pete!               He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard.                             INSIDE CHURCH                                     SHREK                         (running toward the alter) I object!                                                             FIONA                         Shrek?               The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek.                                     FARQUAAD                         Oh, now what does he want?                                     SHREK                         (to congregation as he reaches the front                         of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin'                         a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first                         of all. Very clean.                                     FIONA                         What are you doing here?                                     SHREK                         Really, it's rude enough being alive                         when no one wants you, but showing up                         uninvited to a wedding...                                     SHREK                         Fiona! I need to talk to you.                                     FIONA                         Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little                         late for that, so if you'll excuse me                         - -                                     SHREK                         But you can't marry him.                                     FIONA                         And why not?                                     SHREK                         Because- - Because he's just marring                         you so he can be king.                                     FARQUAAD                         Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.                                                             SHREK                         He's not your true love.                                     FIONA                         And what do you know about true love?                                                             SHREK                         Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -                                     FARQUAAD                         Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen                         in love with the princess! Oh, good                         Lord. (laughs)               The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The               whole congregation laughs.                                     FARQUAAD                         An ogre and a princess!                                     FIONA                         Shrek, is this true?                                     FARQUAAD                         Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona,                         my love, we're but a kiss away from                         our "happily ever after." Now kiss me!                         (puckers his lips and leans toward her,                         but she pulls back.)                                     FIONA                         (looking at the setting sun) "By night                         one way, by day another." (to Shrek)                         I wanted to show you before.               She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self.               She gives Shrek a sheepish smile.                                     SHREK                         Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona                         smiles)                                     FARQUAAD                         Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards!                         I order you to get that out of my sight                         now! Get them! Get them both!               The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights               them.                                     SHREK                         No, no!                                     FIONA                         Shrek!                                     FARQUAAD                         This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This                         marriage is binding, and that makes                         me king! See? See?                                     FIONA                         No, let go of me! Shrek!                                     SHREK                         No!                                     FARQUAAD                         Don't just stand there, you morons.                                                             SHREK                         Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!                                     FARQUAAD                         I'll make you regret the day we met.                         I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll                         beg for death to save you!                                     FIONA                         No, Shrek!                                     FARQUAAD                         (hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And                         as for you, my wife...                                     SHREK                         Fiona!                                     FARQUAAD                         I'll have you locked back in that tower                         for the rest of your days! I'm king!                                       Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles.                                     FARQUAAD                         I will have order! I will have perfection!                         I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon                         show up and the dragon leans down and                         eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah!                                     DONKEY                         All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon                         here, and I'm not afraid to use it.                         (The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on                         the edge!               The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth               and falls to the ground.                                     DONKEY                         Celebrity marriages. They never last,                         do they?               The congregation cheers.                                     DONKEY                         Go ahead, Shrek.                                     SHREK                         Uh, Fiona?                                     FIONA                         Yes, Shrek?                                     SHREK                         I - - I love you.                                     FIONA                         Really?                                     SHREK                         Really, really.                                     FIONA                         (smiles) I love you too.               Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes               'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation.                                                   CONGREGATION                         Aawww!               Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted               up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around               her.                                     WHISPERS                         "Until you find true love's first kiss                         and then take love's true form. Take                         love's true form. Take love's true form."                                       Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell               and then is slowly lowered to the ground.                                     SHREK                         (going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are                         you all right?                                     FIONA                         (standing up, she's still an ogre) Well,                         yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed                         to be beautiful.                                     SHREK                         But you ARE beautiful.               They smile at each other.                                     DONKEY                         (chuckles) I was hoping this would be                         a happy ending.               Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into...               THE SWAMP               ...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm               a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek               and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting               carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet               which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end               up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet               instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now               has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona               walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over               singing the song.                                     GINGERBREAD MAN                         God bless us, every one.                                     DONKEY                         (as he's done singing and we fade to                         black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't                         breathe. I can't breathe.               THE END

[demon-sneeze]

So guys...

I haven’t been totally honest with y’all... I have a lot to say and I’m sorry its taken me this long to say it.

{Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. {Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen. {Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes} What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead The years start comin' and they don't stop comin' Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin' Didn't make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets You'll never know if you don't go You'll never shine if you don't glow Hey, now You're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold It's a cool place and they say it gets colder You're bundled up now but wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin The water's getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on fire How 'bout yours That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored Hey, now, you're an all-star {Shouting} Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold {Belches} Go! Go! {Record Scratching} Go. Go.Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold -Think it's in there? -All right. Let's get it! -Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? -Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. {Laughs} -Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint. Now, ogres - - They're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. -No! -They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. -Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! {Gasping} -Right. {Roaring} {Shouting} {Roaring} {Whispers} This is the part where you run away. {Gasping} {Laughs} {Laughing} And stay out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." {Sighs} {Man's voice} All right. This one's full. -Take it away! {Gasps} -Move it along. Come on! Get up! -Next! -Give me that! Your fiying days are over. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! -Get up! Come on! -Twenty pieces. {Thudding} -Sit down there! -Keep quiet! {Crying} -This cage is too small. -Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! -Oh, shut up. -Oh! -Next! -What have you got? -This little wooden puppet. -I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. -Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. -Father, please! Don't let them do this! -Help me! -Next! What have you got? -Well, I've got a talking donkey. {Grunts} -Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. -Oh, go ahead, little fella. -Well? -Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - - -That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! -No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. -Get her out of my sight. -No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! {Gasps} -Hey! I can fly! -He can fly! -He can fly! -He can talk! -Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Oh-oh. {Grunts} -Seize him! -After him! He's getting away! {Grunts, Gasps} {Man} -Get him! This way! Turn! -You there. Orge! -Aye? -By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility. -Oh, really? You and what army? {Gasps, Whimpering} {Chuckles} -Can I say something to you? -Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa! -Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. -Oh, that's great. Really. -Man, it's good to be free. -Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? -But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. {Roaring} -Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling} Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. -Why are you following me? -I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone There's no one here beside me My promlems have all gone There's no one to deride me But you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. -Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. -Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? -Uh - - Really tall? -No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? -Nope. -Really? -Really, really. -Oh. -Man, I like you. What's you name? -Uh, Shrek. -Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? -That would be my home. -Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. -I guess you don't entertain much, do you? -I like my privacy. -You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. -Can I stay with you? -Uh, what? -Can I stay with you, please? -Of course! -Really? -No. -Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! -Okay! Okay! But one night only. -Ah! Thank you! -What are you - - No! No! -This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. -Oh! -Where do, uh, I sleep? -Outside! -Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. {Sniffles} -Here I go. -Good night. {Sighs} -I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone There's no one here beside me {Bubbling} {Sighs} {Creaking} {Sighs} -I thought I told you to stay outside. -I'm outside. {Clattering} -Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune. -What a lovely bed. -Got ya. {Sniffs} I found some cheese. -Ow! {Grunts} -Blah! Awful stuff. -Is that you, Gorder? -How did you know? -Enough! What are you doing in my house? {Grunts} -Hey! {Snickers} -Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. -Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. -Huh? {Gusps} {Male voice} What? -I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy? -Aah! -Oh, no. No! No! {Cackling} -What? -Quit it. -Don't push. {Squeaking} {Lows} - What are you doing in my swamp? {Echoing} Swamp! Swamp! Swamp! {Gasping} -Oh, dear! -Whoa! -All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! -Quickly. Come on! -No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. -Oh! {Sighs} -Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. -Oh, gosh, no one invited us. -What? -We were forced to come here. -By who? -Lord Farquaad. -He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice. {Sighs} -All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? {Murmuring} -Oh, I do. I know where he is. -Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? -Me! Me! -Anyone? -Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! {Sighs} -Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! {Cheering} {Twittering} -Oh! You! You're comin' with me. - All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! -On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. -Hey. Oh, oh! -I can't wait to get on the road again. -What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Can I hum it? -All right, hum it. {Humming} {Grunts} {Whimpering} -That's enough. He's ready to talk. {Coughing} {Laughing} {Clears throat} -Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man! -You are a monster. -I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me!{Grunts} -I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - - -No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. -All right then. Who's hiding them? -Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? -The muffin man? -The muffin man. -Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin man. -The muffin man? -The muffin man! -She's married to the muffin man. {Door opens} -My lord! We found it. -Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. {Man grunting} {Gasping} -Oh! -Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything! -No! {Ginerbread man whispers} -Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? -Well, technically you're not a king. -Uh, Thelonius. -You were saying? -What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess. -Go on. {Chuckles} -So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. -Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! -And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! -So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? -Two! Two! -Three! Three! -Two! Two! -Three! -Three? One? {Shudders} Three? --Three! Pick number three, my lord! -Okay, okay, uh, number three! -Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. If you like pina coladas And getting caught in the rain -Princess Fiona. If you're not into yoga -She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. -I'll do it. -Yes, but after sunset - - -Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. -But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. -So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. -Uh-huh. That's the place. -Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? {Laughs} {Groans} -Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. -Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. -Hey, you! {Screams} -Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - {Whimpering} {Sighs} {Whimpering, Groans} {Turnstile clatters} {Chuckles} {Sighs} -It's quiet. Too quiet. {Creaking} -Where is everybody? -Hey, look at this! {Clattering, whirring, clicking} Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect ...... place {Camera shutter clicks {Whirring} -Wow! Let's do that again! -No. No. No, no, no! No. {Trumpet fanfare} {Crowd cheering} -Brave knights. -You are the best and brightest in all the land. -Today one of you shall prove himself - - -All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. -Sorry about that. {Cheering} -That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. {Cheering} -Let the tournament begin! {Gasps} -Oh! -What is that? {Gasping} -It's hideous! -Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. -Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him! -Get him! -Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. -Go ahead! Get him! -Can't we just settle this over a pint? -Kill the beast! -No? All right then. Come on! I don't give a damn about my reputation You're living in the past It's a new generation -Damn! {Whinnying} A girl can do what she wants to do And that's what I'm gonna do And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me -Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Never said I wanted to improve my station -Ah! {Laughs} And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun -Yeah! And I don't have to please no one -The chair! Give him the chair! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me {Bell dings} {Cheering} {Laughs} -Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! {Shrek laughs} {Crowd gasping, murmuring} -Shall I give the order, sir? -No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! -What? -Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. -Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures! {Crowd murmuring} -Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. -Exactly the way it was? -Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. -What kind of quest? -Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. -Is that about right? -Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. -I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip. -Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? -Uh, no, not really, no. -For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think. -Example? -Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions. -{Sniffs} They stink? -Yes - - No! -They make you cry? -No! -You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. -No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs} -Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. -I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes. -You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. -No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. -Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. -You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh And everything that you receive up yonder Is what you give to me the day I wander I'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? -You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close. -Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. {Rumbling} -Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. {Laughing} -Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers? -Oh, aye. -Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. -Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. -I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! -Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. -Really? -Really, really. -Okay, that makes me feel so much better. -Just keep moving. And don't look  down. -Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down. {Gasps} -Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway. -But I know that half is safe! -Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. -Shrek, no! Wait! -Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? -Don't do that! -Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh, this? -Yes, that! -Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. {Screams} -No, Shrek! No! Stop it! -You said do it! I'm doin' it. -I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh! -That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. -Cool. -So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? -Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. {Chuckles} -I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. {Water dripping, wind howling} -You afraid? -No. -But - - - Shh. -Oh, good. Me neither. {Gasps} -'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. {Gasps} -Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. -Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. -The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. -What makes you think she'll be there? -I read it in a book once. -Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. {Creacing} -I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it. -Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon! {Screams} {Gasps} {Roars} -Donkey, look out! {Screams} {Whimpering} -Got ya! {Roars} {Gasps} {Shouts} -Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! {Screaming} {Gasps} -Oh! Aah! Aah! {Gasping} {Crowls} -No. Oh, no, No! {Screams} -Oh, what large teeth you have. {Crowls} -I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs) -I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! {Gasps} {Whimpering} -No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! {Groans, Sighs} {Vocalizing} -Oh! Oh! -Wake up! -What? -Are you Princess Fiona? -I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. -Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! -But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? -Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. -Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. -You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? -Mm-hmm. {Screams, grunts} -But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! -I don't think so. -Can I at least know the name of my champion? -Um, Shrek. -Sir Shrek. {Cleans throat} -I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. -Thanks! {Roaring} -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's on my to-do list. Now come on! {Screams} -But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. -Yeah, right before they burst into flame. -That's not the point. Oh! -Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there. -Well, I have to save my ass. -What kind of knight are you? -One of a kind. -Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs} -I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! {Growls} {Roaring} {Gasps} -Hi, Princess! -It talks! -Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. {Screams} {Screaming} -Oh! {Thuds} {Groans} {Roars} {Roaring} -Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. {Fchoing} -Run! {Gasping} {Screaming} {Roaring} {Screams} {Roars} {Panting, sighs} {Whimpers} {Roars} -You did it! -You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat} -And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? -I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. -The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight. -Uh, no. -Why not? -I have helmet hair. -Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer. -No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st. -But how will you kiss me? -What? That wasn't in the job description. -Maybe it's a perk. -No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. -Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? -Well, yes. {Laughing} -You think Shrek is your true love! -What is so funny? -Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay? -Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. -Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm not going to. -Take ot off. -No! -Now! -Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. -You- - You're a- - an orge. -Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. -Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge. {Sighs} -Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. -Then why didn't he come rescue me? -Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. -But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet. -So much for noble steed. -You're not making my job any easier. -I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. -Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. Put me down! -Ya comin', Donkey? -I'm right behind ya. -Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! -Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? -You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey! {Sighs} -The sooner we get to DuLoc the better. -You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! -And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? -Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. {Laughs} -I don't know. There are those who think little of him. -Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. -Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow. -Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. -But there's robbers in the woods. -Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good. -Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. -I need to find somewhere to camp now! {Birds wings fluttering} {Grunting} -Hey! Over here. -Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. -No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. -Homey touches? Like what? {Crashing} -A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. -You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. -I said good night! -Shrek, What are you doing? {Laughs} -I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding. {Fire cracking} -And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. -Hey, can you tell my future from these stars? -The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. -I know you're making this up. -No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. -That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. -You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. {Sighs} -Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? -Our swamp? -You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. -We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land. -You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. -No, do ya think? -Are you hidin' something? -Never mind, Donkey. -Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? -No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Why are you blocking? -I'm not blocking. -Oh, yes, you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who you trying to keep out? -Everyone! Okay? -Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. -Oh! For the love of Pete! -What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? -Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. -You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge. -Yeah, I know. -So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? -Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying. -Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? -That's the moon. -Oh, okay. {Orchestra} {Dulcimer} -Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. -Hmph. -Ah. Perfect. {Inhales} {Snoring} {Vocalizing} {Whistling} {Sizzling} {Sniffs, yawns} -Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. --Come on, baby. I said I like it. -Donkey, wake up. -Huh? What? -Wake up. -What? -Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? -Good morning, Princess! -What's all this about? -You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. -Uh, thanks. {Sniffs} -Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. {Belches} -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs} -Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess. {Belches} -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. -{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected. -Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. {Vocalizing} -La liberte! Hey! -Princess! {Laughs} -What are you doing? -Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - - {Kissing sounds} -beast. -Hey! -That's my princess! Go find you own! -Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here? -Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are! -Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs} {Accordion} Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. I steal from the rich and give to the needy. He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels Man, I'm good What a guy, Monsieur Hood Break it down I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid What he's basically saying is he likes to get - - Paid So When an orge in the bush grabs a lady by the tush That's bad That's bad When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad He's mad He's really, really mad I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start {Grunts, Groans} {Karate Yell} {Merry Men Gasping} {Panting} -Man, that was annoying! -Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell} {Accordion} {Shouting, groaning} {Chuckles} -Uh, shall we? -Hold the phone. {Grunts} Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? -What? -That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that? -Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt! -What? Oh, would you look at that? -Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -Why? What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. -Donkey, I'm okay. -You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. -Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -{Both} Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of Donkey. -Ah. -Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out. -Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. -No, it's tender. -Now, hold on. -What you're doing is the opposite of help. -Don't move. -Look, time out. -Would you - - {Grunts} -Okay. What do you propose we do? -Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. -Ow! -Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! -Ow! Not good. -Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. {Grunts} -It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh! -Ahem. -Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay? -Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow! -Hey, what's that? {Nervous chickle} -That's- - Is that blood? {Sighs} {Bird chirping} {Grunts} My beloved monster and me We go everywhere together Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves Gets us through all kinds of weather -Aah! She will always be the only thing That comes between me and the awful sting That comes from living in a world that's so damn mean {Croaks} Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh -Hey! La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la {Both laughing} La-la, la-la, la-la -There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. -That's DuLoc? -Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow! -Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on. -Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey. {Blubbering} -What? -I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead. -You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? -Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. -I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch} -Ow! See? -Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. -Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. -Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? -Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style. -No kidding. Well, this is delicious. -Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. {Chuckling} {Sighs} -I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night. {Gulps} -Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it. {Chuckles} -I'd like that. {Slurps, laughs} See the pyramids along the Nile -Um, Princess? Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle -Yes, Shrek? -I, um, I was wondering. Just remember, darling all the while -Are you- - You belong to me {Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that? {Chuckles} -Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. -Sunset? -Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? -Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. -Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. {Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night. {Door creaks} -Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here. -Oh, what are you talkin' about? -I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. -You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. -Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. -I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge? -Yeah. An orge. -Hey, where you goin'? -To get... move firewood. {Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? {Wings fluttering} -Princess? {Creaking} {Gasps} -It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. {Screams} -Aah! -Oh, no! -No, help! -Shh! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -No, it's okay. It's okay. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, I'm the princess. -Aah! -It's me, in this body. -Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me? -Donkey! -Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! -No! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -Shh. -Shrek! -This is me. {Muffled mumbling} -Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different. -I'm ugly, okay? -Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No. -I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. -What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. -It's only happens when sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form." -Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's a spell. {Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. {Sobs} -All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. -But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look. -Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? -I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. -But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. -Shrek? -Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs} -I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. -I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. {Gasps} -My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. {Deep sigh} -Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. -You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. -No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know. -What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? -Promise you won't tell. Promise! -All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. -Look at my eye twitchin'. {Door opens} {Snoring} -I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring} -Shrek. Are you all right? -Perfect! Never been better. -I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you. -You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. -You heard what I said? -Every word. -I thought you'd understand. -Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah? Well, it does. {Gasps, sighs} -Ah, right on time. {Horse whinnies} -Princess, I've brought you a little something. {Fanfare} {Yawns} -What'd I miss? What'd I miss? {Muffled} -Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey. -Princess Fiona. -As promised. Now hand it over. -Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. -Take it and go before I change my mind. -Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. {Snaps fingers} -Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell. -Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings. -No, you're right. It doesn't. -Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. {Gasps} -Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? -Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! -No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. -Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! -Fare-thee-well, orge. -Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away. -Yeah? So what? -Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? -Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong! -Shrek. I heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord But you don't really care for music, do ya It goes like this the fourth, the fifth The minor fall the major lift The baffled king composing hallelujah Hallelujah,  hallelujah Baby, I've been here before I know this room I've walked this floor I used to live alone before I knew you I've seen your flag on the marble arch But love is not a victory march It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah Hallelujah,  hallelujah And all I ever learned from love Is how to shoot at someone Who outdrew you {Moaning} And it's not a cry you can hear at night It's not somebody who's seen the light It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah {Moaning} Hallelujah,  hallelujah {Thumping sound} -Donkey? {Grunts} -What are you doing? -I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. -Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. -It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. -Oh! Your half. Hmm. -Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. -Back off! -No, you back off. -This is my swamp! -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go. -Stubborn jackass! -Smelly orge. -Fine! -Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. -Well, I'm through with you. -Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. -Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? -Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! -Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! -Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away! -There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. -Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else. -She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? -Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? -Donkey! -No! -Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? {Sighs} -I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's what friends are for, right? -Right. Friends? -Friends. -So, um, what did Fiona say about me? -What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? -The wedding! We'll never make it in time. -Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. {Whistles} -Donkey? -I guess it's just my animal magnetism. {Laughing} -Aw, come here, you. -All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. -Whoo! {Bells tolling} {All gasping} -People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union.... -Um- -of our new king - - -Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? {Chuckling} -Go on. -Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" -I don't have time for this! -Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You wanna hold her? -Yes. -Please her? -Yes! -Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap! -All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? -We gotta check it out. -And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see? -The whole town's in there. -I now pronounce you husband and wife, -They're at the altar. -king and queen. -Mother Fletcher! He already said it. -Oh, for the love of Pete! {Grunts} -I object! -Shrek? {Gasps} -Oh, now what does he want? -Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - - -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him. -And why not? -Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -And what do you know about true love? -Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. {Crowd laughting} -An orge and a princess! -Shrek, is this true? -Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm! -"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before. {Whimpers} {Crown gasping} -Well, uh, that explains a lot. -Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! -No, no! -Shrek! -This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? -No, let go of me! Shrek! -No! -Don't just stand there, you morons. -Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! -You'll beg for death to save you! -No, Shrek! -And as for you, my wife, -Fiona! -I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! -I'm king! {Whistles} -I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah! -Aah! -All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it. {Roars} -I'm a donkey on the edge! {Belches} -Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? {Cheering} -Go ahead, Shrek. -Uh, Fiona? -Yes, Shrek? -I - - I love you. -Really? -Really, really. - I love you too. -Aawww! -"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form." -"Take love's true form. Take love's true form." -Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right? -Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. -But you ARE beautiful. {Chuckles} -I was hoping this would be a happy ending. I thought love was only true in fairy tales Oy! Meant for someone else but not for me Love was out to get me That's the way it seemed Disappointment haunted all my dreams And then I saw her face Now I'm a believer and not a trace Of doubt in my mind I'm in love Ooh-aah I'm a believer I couldn't leave her If I tried -God bless us, every one. Come on, y'all! Then I saw her face Ha-ha Now I'm a believer Listen! Not a trace Of doubt in my mind I'm in love Ooh-aah I'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried -Ooh! -Uh! Then I saw her face Now I'm a believer Hey! Not a trace Uhh! Yeah. Of doubt in my mind -One more time! I'm in love I'm a believer Come on! I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey Y'all sing it with me! I Believe I believe People in the back! I believe I'm a believer I believe I believe I believe I believe {Hysterical laughing} -Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. -I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertion Destiny or a slight diversion Now it seems I've got my head on straight I'm a freak an apparition Seems I've made the right decision To try to turn back now it might be too late Now I want to stay home today Don't wanna go out If anyone comes to play Gonna get thrown out I wanna stay home today Don't want no company No way Yeah, yeah, yeah I wanna be a millionaire someday But know what it feels like to give it away Watch me march to the beat of my own drum And it's off to the moon and then back again Same old day Same situation My happiness rears back as if to say I wanna stay home today Don't wanna go out If anyone comes to play Gonna get thrown out I wanna stay home today Don't want no company No way Yeah, yeah, yeah I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home......... I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes My heart skips a beat Girl, I feel so alive Please tell me, baby, if all this is true 'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you Oh-oh-oh Makes me wanna dance Oh-oh-oh It's a new romance Oh-oh-oh I look into your eyes Oh-oh-oh The best years of our lives When we first met I could hardly believe The things that would happen and we could achieve So let's be together for all of our time Oh, girl, I'm so thankful that you are still mine You always consider me like an ugly duckling And treat me like a Nostradamus was why I had to get my shine on I break a little something to keep my mind on 'Cause you had my mind gone Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh Turn the lights on, Come on, baby Let's just rewind the song 'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best years All night long Oh-oh-oh Makes me wanna dance Makes me wanna dance Oh-oh-oh It's a new romance It's a new romance Oh-oh-oh I look into your eyes Oh, yeah, yeah I look into your eyes Oh-oh-oh The best years of our lives Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.............. Everything looks bright Standing in your light Everything feels right What's left is out of sight What's a girl to do I'm telling you You're on my mind I wanna be with you 'Cause when you're standin' next to me It's like wow And all your kisses seem to set me free It's like wow And when we touch it's such a rush I can't get enough It's like- - It's like Ooh-ooh Hey, what It's like wow Ooh-ooh, hey Hey, yeah It's like wow Everything is looking right now, right now It's like wow And I got this feeling This feeling it's just like wow It's just like wow You are all I'm thinking of. Like wow Everything feels right Everything feels right Like wow Everything looks bright All my senses are right Like wow Everything feels right Baby, baby, baby the way I'm feeling you Is like wow There is something that I see In the way you look at me There's a smile There's a truth In your eyes What an unexpected way On this unexpected day Could it be This is where I belong It is you I have loved All long There's no more mystery It is finally clear to me You're the home my heart's searched for So long It is you I have loved All long Whoa, over and over I'm filled with emotion As I look Into your perfect face

#im sorry #please forgive me #i know itll be difficult to come back from this

[setsujo-moving]

Shrek Script

{Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. {Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen. {Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes} What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead The years start comin' and they don't stop comin' Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin' Didn't make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets You'll never know if you don't go You'll never shine if you don't glow Hey, now You're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold It's a cool place and they say it gets colder You're bundled up now but wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin The water's getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on fire How 'bout yours That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored Hey, now, you're an all-star {Shouting} Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold {Belches} Go! Go! {Record Scratching} Go. Go.Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold -Think it's in there? -All right. Let's get it! -Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? -Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. {Laughs} -Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint. Now, ogres - - They're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. -No! -They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. -Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! {Gasping} -Right. {Roaring} {Shouting} {Roaring} {Whispers} This is the part where you run away. {Gasping} {Laughs} {Laughing} And stay out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." {Sighs} {Man's voice} All right. This one's full. -Take it away! {Gasps} -Move it along. Come on! Get up! -Next! -Give me that! Your fiying days are over. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! -Get up! Come on! -Twenty pieces. {Thudding} -Sit down there! -Keep quiet! {Crying} -This cage is too small. -Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! -Oh, shut up. -Oh! -Next! -What have you got? -This little wooden puppet. -I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. -Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. -Father, please! Don't let them do this! -Help me! -Next! What have you got? -Well, I've got a talking donkey. {Grunts} -Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. -Oh, go ahead, little fella. -Well? -Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - - -That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! -No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. -Get her out of my sight. -No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! {Gasps} -Hey! I can fly! -He can fly! -He can fly! -He can talk! -Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Oh-oh. {Grunts} -Seize him! -After him! He's getting away! {Grunts, Gasps} {Man} -Get him! This way! Turn! -You there. Orge! -Aye? -By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility. -Oh, really? You and what army? {Gasps, Whimpering} {Chuckles} -Can I say something to you? -Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa! -Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. -Oh, that's great. Really. -Man, it's good to be free. -Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? -But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. {Roaring} -Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling} Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. -Why are you following me? -I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone There's no one here beside me My promlems have all gone There's no one to deride me But you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. -Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. -Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? -Uh - - Really tall? -No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? -Nope. -Really? -Really, really. -Oh. -Man, I like you. What's you name? -Uh, Shrek. -Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? -That would be my home. -Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. -I guess you don't entertain much, do you? -I like my privacy. -You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. -Can I stay with you? -Uh, what? -Can I stay with you, please? -Of course! -Really? -No. -Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! -Okay! Okay! But one night only. -Ah! Thank you! -What are you - - No! No! -This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. -Oh! -Where do, uh, I sleep? -Outside! -Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. {Sniffles} -Here I go. -Good night. {Sighs} -I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone There's no one here beside me {Bubbling} {Sighs} {Creaking} {Sighs} -I thought I told you to stay outside. -I'm outside. {Clattering} -Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune. -What a lovely bed. -Got ya. {Sniffs} I found some cheese. -Ow! {Grunts} -Blah! Awful stuff. -Is that you, Gorder? -How did you know? -Enough! What are you doing in my house? {Grunts} -Hey! {Snickers} -Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. -Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. -Huh? {Gusps} {Male voice} What? -I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy? -Aah! -Oh, no. No! No! {Cackling} -What? -Quit it. -Don't push. {Squeaking} {Lows} - What are you doing in my swamp? {Echoing} Swamp! Swamp! Swamp! {Gasping} -Oh, dear! -Whoa! -All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! -Quickly. Come on! -No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. -Oh! {Sighs} -Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. -Oh, gosh, no one invited us. -What? -We were forced to come here. -By who? -Lord Farquaad. -He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice. {Sighs} -All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? {Murmuring} -Oh, I do. I know where he is. -Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? -Me! Me! -Anyone? -Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! {Sighs} -Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! {Cheering} {Twittering} -Oh! You! You're comin' with me. - All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! -On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. -Hey. Oh, oh! -I can't wait to get on the road again. -What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Can I hum it? -All right, hum it. {Humming} {Grunts} {Whimpering} -That's enough. He's ready to talk. {Coughing} {Laughing} {Clears throat} -Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man! -You are a monster. -I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me!{Grunts} -I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - - -No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. -All right then. Who's hiding them? -Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? -The muffin man? -The muffin man. -Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin man. -The muffin man? -The muffin man! -She's married to the muffin man. {Door opens} -My lord! We found it. -Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. {Man grunting} {Gasping} -Oh! -Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything! -No! {Ginerbread man whispers} -Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? -Well, technically you're not a king. -Uh, Thelonius. -You were saying? -What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. -Go on. {Chuckles} -So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. -Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! -And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! -So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? -Two! Two! -Three! Three! -Two! Two! -Three! -Three? One? {Shudders} Three? --Three! Pick number three, my lord! -Okay, okay, uh, number three! -Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. If you like pina coladas And getting caught in the rain -Princess Fiona. If you're not into yoga -She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. -I'll do it. -Yes, but after sunset - - -Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. -But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. -So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. -Uh-huh. That's the place. -Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? {Laughs} {Groans} -Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. -Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. -Hey, you! {Screams} -Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - {Whimpering} {Sighs} {Whimpering, Groans} {Turnstile clatters} {Chuckles} {Sighs} -It's quiet. Too quiet. {Creaking} -Where is everybody? -Hey, look at this! {Clattering, whirring, clicking} Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect ...... place {Camera shutter clicks {Whirring} -Wow! Let's do that again! -No. No. No, no, no! No. {Trumpet fanfare} {Crowd cheering} -Brave knights. -You are the best and brightest in all the land. -Today one of you shall prove himself - - -All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. -Sorry about that. {Cheering} -That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. {Cheering} -Let the tournament begin! {Gasps} -Oh! -What is that? {Gasping} -It's hideous! -Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. -Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him! -Get him! -Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. -Go ahead! Get him! -Can't we just settle this over a pint? -Kill the beast! -No? All right then. Come on! I don't give a damn about my reputation You're living in the past It's a new generation -Damn! {Whinnying} A girl can do what she wants to do And that's what I'm gonna do And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me -Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Never said I wanted to improve my station -Ah! {Laughs} And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun -Yeah! And I don't have to please no one -The chair! Give him the chair! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me {Bell dings} {Cheering} {Laughs} -Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! {Shrek laughs} {Crowd gasping, murmuring} -Shall I give the order, sir? -No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! -What? -Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. -Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures! {Crowd murmuring} -Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. -Exactly the way it was? -Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. -What kind of quest? -Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. -Is that about right? -Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. -I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip. -Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? -Uh, no, not really, no. -For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think. -Example? -Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions. -{Sniffs} They stink? -Yes - - No! -They make you cry? -No! -You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. -No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs} -Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. -I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes. -You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. -No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. -Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. -You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh And everything that you receive up yonder Is what you give to me the day I wander I'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? -You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close. -Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. {Rumbling} -Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. {Laughing} -Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers? -Oh, aye. -Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. -Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. -I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! -Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. -Really? -Really, really. -Okay, that makes me feel so much better. -Just keep moving. And don't look down. -Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. {Gasps} -Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway. -But I know that half is safe! -Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. -Shrek, no! Wait! -Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? -Don't do that! -Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh, this? -Yes, that! -Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. {Screams} -No, Shrek! No! Stop it! -You said do it! I'm doin' it. -I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh! -That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. -Cool. -So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? -Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. {Chuckles} -I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. {Water dripping, wind howling} -You afraid? -No. -But - - - Shh. -Oh, good. Me neither. {Gasps} -'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. {Gasps} -Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. -Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. -The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. -What makes you think she'll be there? -I read it in a book once. -Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. {Creacing} -I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it. -Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon! {Screams} {Gasps} {Roars} -Donkey, look out! {Screams} {Whimpering} -Got ya! {Roars} {Gasps} {Shouts} -Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! {Screaming} {Gasps} -Oh! Aah! Aah! {Gasping} {Crowls} -No. Oh, no, No! {Screams} -Oh, what large teeth you have. {Crowls} -I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs) -I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! {Gasps} {Whimpering} -No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! {Groans, Sighs} {Vocalizing} -Oh! Oh! -Wake up! -What? -Are you Princess Fiona? -I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. -Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! -But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? -Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. -Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. -You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? -Mm-hmm. {Screams, grunts} -But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! -I don't think so. -Can I at least know the name of my champion? -Um, Shrek. -Sir Shrek. {Cleans throat} -I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. -Thanks! {Roaring} -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's on my to-do list. Now come on! {Screams} -But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. -Yeah, right before they burst into flame. -That's not the point. Oh! -Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there. -Well, I have to save my ass. -What kind of knight are you? -One of a kind. -Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs} -I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! {Growls} {Roaring} {Gasps} -Hi, Princess! -It talks! -Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. {Screams} {Screaming} -Oh! {Thuds} {Groans} {Roars} {Roaring} -Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. {Fchoing} -Run! {Gasping} {Screaming} {Roaring} {Screams} {Roars} {Panting, sighs} {Whimpers} {Roars} -You did it! -You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat} -And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? -I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. -The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight. -Uh, no. -Why not? -I have helmet hair. -Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer. -No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st. -But how will you kiss me? -What? That wasn't in the job description. -Maybe it's a perk. -No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. -Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? -Well, yes. {Laughing} -You think Shrek is your true love! -What is so funny? -Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay? -Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. -Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm not going to. -Take ot off. -No! -Now! -Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. -You- - You're a- - an orge. -Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. -Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge. {Sighs} -Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. -Then why didn't he come rescue me? -Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. -But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet. -So much for noble steed. -You're not making my job any easier. -I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. -Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. Put me down! -Ya comin', Donkey? -I'm right behind ya. -Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! -Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? -You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - - Hey! {Sighs} -The sooner we get to DuLoc the better. -You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! -And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? -Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. {Laughs} -I don't know. There are those who think little of him. -Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. -Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow. -Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. -But there's robbers in the woods. -Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good. -Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. -I need to find somewhere to camp now! {Birds wings fluttering} {Grunting} -Hey! Over here. -Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. -No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. -Homey touches? Like what? {Crashing} -A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. -You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. -I said good night! -Shrek, What are you doing? {Laughs} -I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding. {Fire cracking} -And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. -Hey, can you tell my future from these stars? -The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. -I know you're making this up. -No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. -That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. -You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. {Sighs} -Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? -Our swamp? -You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. -We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land. -You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. -No, do ya think? -Are you hidin' something? -Never mind, Donkey. -Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? -No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Why are you blocking? -I'm not blocking. -Oh, yes, you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who you trying to keep out? -Everyone! Okay? -Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. -Oh! For the love of Pete! -What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? -Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. -You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge. -Yeah, I know. -So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? -Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying. -Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? -That's the moon. -Oh, okay. {Orchestra} {Dulcimer} -Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. -Hmph. -Ah. Perfect. {Inhales} {Snoring} {Vocalizing} {Whistling} {Sizzling} {Sniffs, yawns} -Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. --Come on, baby. I said I like it. -Donkey, wake up. -Huh? What? -Wake up. -What? -Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? -Good morning, Princess! -What's all this about? -You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. -Uh, thanks. {Sniffs} -Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. {Belches} -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs} -Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess. {Belches} -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. -{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected. -Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. {Vocalizing} -La liberte! Hey! -Princess! {Laughs} -What are you doing? -Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - - {Kissing sounds} -beast. -Hey! -That's my princess! Go find you own! -Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here? -Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are! -Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs} {Accordion} Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. I steal from the rich and give to the needy. He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels Man, I'm good What a guy, Monsieur Hood Break it down I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid What he's basically saying is he likes to get - - Paid So When an orge in the bush grabs a lady by the tush That's bad That's bad When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad He's mad He's really, really mad I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start {Grunts, Groans} {Karate Yell} {Merry Men Gasping} {Panting} -Man, that was annoying! -Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell} {Accordion} {Shouting, groaning} {Chuckles} -Uh, shall we? -Hold the phone. {Grunts} Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? -What? -That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that? -Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt! -What? Oh, would you look at that? -Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -Why? What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. -Donkey, I'm okay. -You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. -Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -{Both} Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of Donkey. -Ah. -Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out. -Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. -No, it's tender. -Now, hold on. -What you're doing is the opposite of help. -Don't move. -Look, time out. -Would you - - {Grunts} -Okay. What do you propose we do? -Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. -Ow! -Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! -Ow! Not good. -Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. {Grunts} -It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh! -Ahem. -Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay? -Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow! -Hey, what's that? {Nervous chickle} -That's- - Is that blood? {Sighs} {Bird chirping} {Grunts} My beloved monster and me We go everywhere together Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves Gets us through all kinds of weather -Aah! She will always be the only thing That comes between me and the awful sting That comes from living in a world that's so damn mean {Croaks} Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh -Hey! La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la {Both laughing} La-la, la-la, la-la -There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. -That's DuLoc? -Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow! -Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on. -Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey. {Blubbering} -What? -I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead. -You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? -Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. -I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch} -Ow! See? -Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. -Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. -Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? -Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style. -No kidding. Well, this is delicious. -Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. {Chuckling} {Sighs} -I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night. {Gulps} -Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it. {Chuckles} -I'd like that. {Slurps, laughs} See the pyramids along the Nile -Um, Princess? Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle -Yes, Shrek? -I, um, I was wondering. Just remember, darling all the while -Are you- - You belong to me {Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that? {Chuckles} -Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. -Sunset? -Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? -Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. -Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. {Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night. {Door creaks} -Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here. -Oh, what are you talkin' about? -I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. -You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. -Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. -I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge? -Yeah. An orge. -Hey, where you goin'? -To get... move firewood. {Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? {Wings fluttering} -Princess? {Creaking} {Gasps} -It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. {Screams} -Aah! -Oh, no! -No, help! -Shh! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -No, it's okay. It's okay. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, I'm the princess. -Aah! -It's me, in this body. -Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me? -Donkey! -Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! -No! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -Shh. -Shrek! -This is me. {Muffled mumbling} -Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different. -I'm ugly, okay? -Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No. -I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. -What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. -It's only happens when sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form." -Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's a spell. {Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. {Sobs} -All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. -But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look. -Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? -I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. -But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. -Shrek? -Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs} -I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. -I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. {Gasps} -My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. {Deep sigh} -Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. -You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. -No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know. -What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? -Promise you won't tell. Promise! -All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. -Look at my eye twitchin'. {Door opens} {Snoring} -I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring} -Shrek. Are you all right? -Perfect! Never been better. -I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you. -You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. -You heard what I said? -Every word. -I thought you'd understand. -Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah? Well, it does. {Gasps, sighs} -Ah, right on time. {Horse whinnies} -Princess, I've brought you a little something. {Fanfare} {Yawns} -What'd I miss? What'd I miss? {Muffled} -Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey. -Princess Fiona. -As promised. Now hand it over. -Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. -Take it and go before I change my mind. -Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. {Snaps fingers} -Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell. -Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings. -No, you're right. It doesn't. -Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. {Gasps} -Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? -Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! -No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. -Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! -Fare-thee-well, orge. -Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away. -Yeah? So what? -Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? -Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong! -Shrek. I heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord But you don't really care for music, do ya It goes like this the fourth, the fifth The minor fall the major lift The baffled king composing hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah Baby, I've been here before I know this room I've walked this floor I used to live alone before I knew you I've seen your flag on the marble arch But love is not a victory march It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah And all I ever learned from love Is how to shoot at someone Who outdrew you {Moaning} And it's not a cry you can hear at night It's not somebody who's seen the light It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah {Moaning} Hallelujah, hallelujah {Thumping sound} -Donkey? {Grunts} -What are you doing? -I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. -Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. -It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. -Oh! Your half. Hmm. -Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. -Back off! -No, you back off. -This is my swamp! -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go. -Stubborn jackass! -Smelly orge. -Fine! -Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. -Well, I'm through with you. -Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. -Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? -Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! -Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! -Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away! -There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. -Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else. -She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? -Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? -Donkey! -No! -Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? {Sighs} -I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's what friends are for, right? -Right. Friends? -Friends. -So, um, what did Fiona say about me? -What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? -The wedding! We'll never make it in time. -Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. {Whistles} -Donkey? -I guess it's just my animal magnetism. {Laughing} -Aw, come here, you. -All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. -Whoo! {Bells tolling} {All gasping} -People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union.... -Um- -of our new king - - -Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? {Chuckling} -Go on. -Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" -I don't have time for this! -Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You wanna hold her? -Yes. -Please her? -Yes! -Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap! -All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? -We gotta check it out. -And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see? -The whole town's in there. -I now pronounce you husband and wife, -They're at the altar. -king and queen. -Mother Fletcher! He already said it. -Oh, for the love of Pete! {Grunts} -I object! -Shrek? {Gasps} -Oh, now what does he want? -Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - - -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him. -And why not? -Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -And what do you know about true love? -Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. {Crowd laughting} -An orge and a princess! -Shrek, is this true? -Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm! -"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before. {Whimpers} {Crown gasping} -Well, uh, that explains a lot. -Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! -No, no! -Shrek! -This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? -No, let go of me! Shrek! -No! -Don't just stand there, you morons. -Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! -You'll beg for death to save you! -No, Shrek! -And as for you, my wife, -Fiona! -I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! -I'm king! {Whistles} -I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah! -Aah! -All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it. {Roars} -I'm a donkey on the edge! {Belches} -Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? {Cheering} -Go ahead, Shrek. -Uh, Fiona? -Yes, Shrek? -I - - I love you. -Really? -Really, really. - I love you too. -Aawww! -"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form." -"Take love's true form. Take love's true form." -Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right? -Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. -But you ARE beautiful. {Chuckles} -I was hoping this would be a happy ending. I thought love was only true in fairy tales Oy! Meant for someone else but not for me Love was out to get me That's the way it seemed Disappointment haunted all my dreams And then I saw her face Now I'm a believer and not a trace Of doubt in my mind I'm in love Ooh-aah I'm a believer I couldn't leave her If I tried -God bless us, every one. Come on, y'all! Then I saw her face Ha-ha Now I'm a believer Listen! Not a trace Of doubt in my mind I'm in love Ooh-aah I'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried -Ooh! -Uh! Then I saw her face Now I'm a believer Hey! Not a trace Uhh! Yeah. Of doubt in my mind -One more time! I'm in love I'm a believer Come on! I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey Y'all sing it with me! I Believe I believe People in the back! I believe I'm a believer I believe I believe I believe I believe {Hysterical laughing} -Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. -I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertion Destiny or a slight diversion Now it seems I've got my head on straight I'm a freak an apparition Seems I've made the right decision To try to turn back now it might be too late Now I want to stay home today Don't wanna go out If anyone comes to play Gonna get thrown out I wanna stay home today Don't want no company No way Yeah, yeah, yeah I wanna be a millionaire someday But know what it feels like to give it away Watch me march to the beat of my own drum And it's off to the moon and then back again Same old day Same situation My happiness rears back as if to say I wanna stay home today Don't wanna go out If anyone comes to play Gonna get thrown out I wanna stay home today Don't want no company No way Yeah, yeah, yeah I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home......... I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes My heart skips a beat Girl, I feel so alive Please tell me, baby, if all this is true 'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you Oh-oh-oh Makes me wanna dance Oh-oh-oh It's a new romance Oh-oh-oh I look into your eyes Oh-oh-oh The best years of our lives When we first met I could hardly believe The things that would happen and we could achieve So let's be together for all of our time Oh, girl, I'm so thankful that you are still mine You always consider me like an ugly duckling And treat me like a Nostradamus was why I had to get my shine on I break a little something to keep my mind on 'Cause you had my mind gone Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh Turn the lights on, Come on, baby Let's just rewind the song 'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best years All night long Oh-oh-oh Makes me wanna dance Makes me wanna dance Oh-oh-oh It's a new romance It's a new romance Oh-oh-oh I look into your eyes Oh, yeah, yeah I look into your eyes Oh-oh-oh The best years of our lives Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.............. Everything looks bright Standing in your light Everything feels right What's left is out of sight What's a girl to do I'm telling you You're on my mind I wanna be with you 'Cause when you're standin' next to me It's like wow And all your kisses seem to set me free It's like wow And when we touch it's such a rush I can't get enough It's like- - It's like Ooh-ooh Hey, what It's like wow Ooh-ooh, hey Hey, yeah It's like wow Everything is looking right now, right now It's like wow And I got this feeling This feeling it's just like wow It's just like wow You are all I'm thinking of. Like wow Everything feels right Everything feels right Like wow Everything looks bright All my senses are right Like wow Everything feels right Baby, baby, baby the way I'm feeling you Is like wow There is something that I see In the way you look at me There's a smile There's a truth In your eyes What an unexpected way On this unexpected day Could it be This is where I belong It is you I have loved All long There's no more mystery It is finally clear to me You're the home my heart's searched for So long It is you I have loved All long Whoa, over and over I'm filled with emotion As I look Into your perfect face

#anyways bby i love you -cayde #im posting this for u so u all have to see it #long post #idk his ask tag so #submission