#okay here are my POSITIVE THOUGHTS.

[tiny-vermin]

i just did an interview for something really important and i think it was hot garbage and im so scared . ive been looking forward to this for . 2 years now . fuck my life .

my mind is pliable rn so im going to fake myself into thinking it was all really good

#rant #arhg #scared and filled with anxiety #okay here are my POSITIVE THOUGHTS. #evberything goes my way and nothing can go wrong in life #i have worked so hard and put in so much effort #the universe will grant me the best option #i infuse the world with so much joy and laughter #the jury loves me and will be nice to me #i did NOT fumble the interview. i did so well and i presented myself clearly #my camera and mic not working did NOT set me back 1082939 paces #it did NOT make me panic and worry for my life and sanity #i am so knowledgable of the topics and they are so happy they allowed me to do the interview

[crybaby-bkg]

cw: this got long sorry 😔 but creepy/perv bakugou, recording, film major bkg x art major reader, masturbation, coercion, dubcon before it just becomes con, voyeurism/exhibitionism

as an art major, you typically did some works for a few students on campus; for their plays, as background pieces while they danced, a cover for their released songs. it wasn’t out of the ordinary for people to ask you to create something for them, and you enjoyed it more often than not. but, you weren’t usually the art itself.

Bakugou is a friend’s friend that you’ve seen a few times, ran into at the library or at coffee shops. he’s a film major, and always looks so unhappy about the whole thing, as if he didn’t choose it himself. you joke to Mina that you think he’ll graduate and become one of those directors that hate everything and yell at the actors constantly and later on get sued for being a dickhead. you never say it to him though—you’ve never spoken more than a couple words to the man.

it’s why it shocks you when he approaches you one day. it’s after one of your painting classes, and he stands outside the door with a frown and his hands shoved in his pockets, his eyebrows scrunched as if pissed at the mere sight of you. he asks you, in that low and gruff tone of his, if you could star in his final project for the semester. says it’s supposed to be a film made with this criteria and that, but, you’ve kind of checked out on the conversation after the first sentence.

“You mean, you want me to create something and that be the star of your film?” you ask him, feeling so intimidated at his stature. he always seems to loom, his hair shadowing the lights above, creates a cast over a portion of his face, makes his eyes look…unsettling. like they’re looking straight through your flesh, can find the marrow in your bones. he scoffs like you’ve offended him, rolling his eyes into his skull, mouth pulled tight.

“No.” his voice is firm, gaze concentrated only on you, like the halls are empty and you’re the focus of his lens. “I want you to star in it.”

his words confuse you—you’ve never presented yourself as an actor before, never alluded to wanting to be in the spotlight if not for what you create with your hands. but he shuffles on his feet, looks desperate even. there’s some hemming and hawing for a minute or so—why not choose Mina?—she’s busy—why choose me?—‘cause you’d be perfect for my short film—what’s it about?—you’ll find out once you get the script.

and even after you hesitantly agree and get the script—you still don’t understand what you’re doing. why you’re here, why you’re the only person, why it has to be a solo film, why there’s damn near zero lines in the entirety of the have-to-be forty five minute film.

the scenes are all so long, and maybe it’s because movies aren’t your forte or chosen major, but you just don’t get it. one scene; you’re staring at yourself in the mirror while Bakugou holds a small, black camera over your shoulder. he’s eerily quiet behind you, whispers out a faint fuckin’ go when you have to wash your face in the sink, makes you do it over because your movements are too jerky and unnatural.

the rest of the scenes go that way; you doing regular at home activities, being put under a lens, quietly barked at to do this and move that way and fix your hair and remember to frown.

“Isn’t there another way to film this?” you ask him on the fifth day of shooting in his spacious loft. there’s a bubble bath scene coming up, one you dont understand the importance of, but Bakugou tells you it’s the most necessary part of the entire thing.

“No,” he grunts out, looking at you from under his lashes as he sits on the lid of the toilet. “But I’ll make it soapy, so the camera won’t see much.” the camera? much? you weren’t worried so much about what the camera captured as you were the man behind it. he looks at you with such intensity, you feel naked already despite the robe you wear that’s suspiciously already your size.

he leaves the bathroom when you sink in the hot water, returns before you can say it’s okay, hears the water splashing and thinks that’s good enough. he kneels on the floor beside you, camera pointed directly in your face, makes your chest hot and your skin feel prickly. the scene passes on regularly enough; you run the water over your arms, tilt your head back as you sigh, whisper the few lines scripted, lean back and close your eyes, sigh again. it’s almost relaxing, makes you forget about the friend of a friend recording you naked right now. almost.

“Touch yourself.” Bakugou suddenly demands, hushed and quiet behind the camera. your eyes immediately shoot open, looking to him in question, how he’s eerily still in his spot hovering over you.

“Huh?” you ask, unsure if you heard him correctly, looking around the rounded lens in your face, trying to ignore the red blinking light. but Bakugou only frowns.

“It’s a masturbation scene. Touch yourself.” he repeats, voice louder, more demanding this time. your stomach twists at the thought of doing something so intimate in front of him. he’s a handsome guy, for sure, even made you consider asking him out after this, figured he was just serious about his work and awkward about certain things. but…something had been off about this entire thing since the start.

“But—but I don’t, I’m not,” you stutter, sitting up a little, the bubbles covering your chest starting to disperse with your movements. but Bakugou only sits a little higher on his knees, finally pulling the camera away from his face for the first time since he’s asked you to do this for him.

“You want me to fail?” he asks, booming voice eerily quiet in the silent bathroom, carmine eyes dull, shaded over with something terrible. “Then do it.” he tells you when you shake your head quickly.

you stare at him until he gets back into position again, camera back pointed at you. when he doesn’t say anything else, you swallow thickly, wondering if the art that will come out of this will be worth it. so you listen, sneak a hand under the water, start touching yourself in a way you never have in front of anyone.

is it bad to say that it’s exhilarating? being watched and recorded by someone who breathes so heavily every time your voice hiccups? being directed to touch your chest next when the suds start to disappear and your nipples start to peek through? is it bad that you want him to send you this portion of his film, only, just so you can watch yourself again and again? make a portrait of yourself with your fingers on your nipples and your knees raising from the water and your head thrown back from the intensity in oil pastels?

“That’s a wrap.” Bakugou announces when you finish, head spinning and still panting. you look over to him, how he closes the camera, the obvious bulge in his pants. “I’ll get you a towel.”

you wonder when’s the next time he’ll need you. or better yet—maybe he could be the star in your final drawing project? you had finished it already but, what was the harm in starting over with him as your muse? as naked as you are? camera not blocking his face so you can paint the similarities of his blushing cheeks and eyes when you direct him to look at you? to touch his chest? to play with himself just like that?

#this got. so long. sowwy #but I thought about this ummmm Sunday night #but I was DRAINED from writing 7k words of scorned past midnight and then having to edit it skdjfkf #so I was like. okay. put this idea in the drafts. NOW ms dory memory #anddddd I love this so very much #would’ve loved to turn this into a full fic #but it’s so exhausting trying to write long fics recently bc of this multichap #I’m just not used to it and I can’t do two things at the same time #and I already have like 9 fics on my list to write!!!! lol #but there is something so alluring about film major bkg 2 me #I think hes awkward and comes off as mean but he really is just that serious about his work #but he’s #also a creep for you LOL #definitely think he agrees to become ur muse for art as like a trade off #and you get that boy into SO many humiliating positions 😵‍💫 #I need. to lie down. anyway. #I wrote this at 1am and was scared to post it then cause I didn’t think anyone would see it #so here it is in the morning :) #bakugou treats! 🍬 #—new treat in the streets! 🍫

[uncanny-tranny]

Your life isn't a to-do list. You're allowed to exist, to take life as slow as you'd like. The dreams you have won't suddenly disappear. It's okay to stop and smell the roses, or to engage with "childish" things, or to recover, or do what you need to.

#positivity #encouraging words #life doesn't need to be a speedrun or a 100% run #sometimes it feels like i'm wasting my life but... who gets to tell me what is wasteful? i'm surviving out here and that's okay #and it's okay if you're also somebody who people think is 'wasting your life' #that's such a meaningless and frankly a very cruel thing to say to a person #because you'll see people call somebody's life wasteful because they're simply coping with disability/mental illness/grief/ect #it's a meaningless saying to tell somebody how YOU think they're wasting life. your life isn't a waste point-blank #we ought to be kinder to ourselves for choosing what we want/need out of our lives rather than placating to what is imposed on us... #...or the expectations we impose on ourselves #be kinder to yourself whenever you can. it's hard as hell but please choose kindness toward yourself #just something i thought about and felt like it was impirtant to me #i couldn't complete high school 'on time' because of covid and because i was in crisis. i felt so much shame about that. i felt stupid... #...i felt unworthy. but who decided that i am those things? the crisis i was in could have killed me. i couldn't deal with school then... #...it humbled me because i had to learn that i am not immune to needing to be kind to myself. i am human - i'm not a mindless drone... #...you aren't a mindless drone either. you are an individual. you deserve to feel safe. you deserve understanding and compassion... #...but not ONLY from others. you deserve it from yourself as well

[immagrosscandy]

Why is it your name "i am a gross candy?"

my nickname has always been candy, but i guess saying "i am candy" felt a bit empty for me. so my thought process was like this:

"candies are sweet, but i don't see myself as sweet, so instead how about gross? heck yeah it sounds awesome"

i wanted to go with something that was good but also bad?? i don't know really. i know it sounds terrible that i'm basically calling myself gross 😅, but i felt like saying "i'm sweet" wasn't really fitting me, i thought.

i know i'm not a sweet person because i have flaws. i can be selfish and quite lazy, so i guess saying i'm a gross candy was like saying "i know i can be good but i know i can be bad, i'm something in between"

...

and now that i'm saying this... i think i was reeeeally overthinking this user name back when i was 17 😂

don't get me wrong, i really liked the nickname and i still do! honestly i'm gonna stick with this online name until i come up with something better (and that is never)

i never thought something such as a nickname would have something like a story about autoreflection, i wanted a funny nickname like "hey how about a gross candy? because candies aren't usually gross!" or something like that 😂😂 but i guess this is what i've got

it's still cool tho! :)

#okay this came out longer than i thought 😅 #sorry for the long response anon #but also thank you #i liked this question! made me think of how i see myself #also reveal a bit of story to you guys #even if i'm not as present as i used to be here #school has been keeping me busy #also ace attorney. it's my new hyperfixation i can't stop- #but hey it guess it's good i can still receive anon asks??? #i wanna be positive :D #thanks!! #(i've never answered this fast in my life)

[faunandfloraas]

inadvertently stopped using my freckle fade cream without thinking.... right around the time i started making gifs of felix.... coincidence?

#positive influence..... #i do wonder sometimes how jarring it must have been for he and lil chris to go from australia to korea #bc i copped shit for being pale and freckly as a kid #i have a core memory of this girl talia wearing a country bumpkin costume with these cartoonish freckles drawn on and she pointed at me #and was like Lol im jessie haha and i was like Okay so you want to fight?? #another time had to do some speech and when i finished and had questions from my classmates and two boys just asked me why i was pale #and why they could see idk i guess my bloodvessels in my legs ??? i didnt even notice like i was just like UHHHH idk ask about my topic #had so many instances like that and they werent terrible but it did make me insecure #like in the 00s here being tan was /it/ you had to be nice and tanned- go lay in the sun and ignore we are number one in melanoma deaths #like it was so consistently the thing... prob why i have so many freckles bc i didnt tan in the sun i freckled #but in both felix and chans aus photos they were quite tanned! #so imagine going from Hey go lay in the sun and get nice and brown ya pale fucker to Do Not Do That. Be pale as a ghost #white as fuck twilight vampire printer paper ass complexion or else you arent the beauty standard must have been so...... odd #idk beauty standards are so fucked and stupid #at least for me it was just like mean it wasnt like systemic. still wasnt nice but its not damaging the same way #but yeah I imagine some of the cultural differences must have been jarring and weird #like when chan said he was glad to get sex ed in australia bc it was comprehensive here and its not something i would have thought about #but yeah he went to school here and there he would know #idk must be hard to be an idol and straddle that line of not wanting to cause any ripples but having your own ideas and beliefs #oh i'd love to talk to him off the record lmao #dont take this as anti korea sentiment btw like australia is also wack #it just must be interseting and sometimes hard... #wow these tags are long SORRY

[dirtbra1n]

there’s a word for it. a name. for the people who take care of corpses before a funeral. hanzawa masato doesn’t remember it right now, though, because right now he’s up in the midnight hours, lying flat on the couch in the living room. too warm. he doesn’t care to remember it, the name.

it’s way, way too warm.

dying used to be simpler than this. there was no pavement, there were no buildings, there were no faceless people.

cold, though. there was cold.

the water wasn’t really flowing, too shallow, he was slowing it down, but his blood was. staining the ice.

it was gross.

he couldn’t stretch out his legs, couldn’t reach his arms out over his head. his fingers were cold and useless and deadened, and slow. the air he was struggling to breathe was pushing in and flowing out of his lungs through the puncture wound in his chest. so slow.

he’s been there before. he’s here now.

sitting stiff in the water, soaked to the bone, dying in isolation. bleeding out, masato thinks he’s alive. suffocating, he’s convinced he won’t be for much longer.

he’s not sure he’s anywhere.

dying used to be so easy.

instead of waiting until he couldn’t stand to look at himself anymore, kneeling until his head went under and waiting it out, probably getting swept away by the current until he crashed downstream—he wouldn’t know, he never lived to see that part—instead of that—

he’s wading around a little lost. he’s bleeding. the ghosts only look at him when they know it’ll sting worst, long shadows cast over the water, malformed specters dancing in mockery of him. he thinks his feet are getting a little worse than sliced up by jagged hateful rocks out of sight. that’s depressingly the least of his worries. it’s being impaled by the moon in a loop of time that fucking hates him. but he’s already bleeding. he’s a little surprised that he’s still got blood to bleed.

instead of releasing what could have become a burden, it’s him standing, helplessly, in the river, night after night after night. because it’s nighttime now. it keeps being nighttime.

it’s the kind of thing you’d almost expect to be a relief.

“hanzawa senpai.”

masato turns his head, creaky like a wooden doll. “…tashiro-kun.”

kimono-clad, he offers a hand. “you’re not face first in muck this time.”

masato doesn’t take it. a sharp smile curves his cheeks, not insincere. “thank you. ‘this time?”

tashiro smiles sheepishly down at him. squints. “did you die?”

“do I look dead?”

it’s hard to see from the water, but masato knows that tashiro’s shifted his eyes. saw it in the back of his mind, recorded on crackly film. he says, instead of answering, “I’ve got bandages.”

masato wishes he had something to rest his elbows on, to brace himself on. it doesn’t feel right playing his games standing upright, his hands in his sleeves instead of holding his head on his shoulders. “ta-shi-ro-kuuun, what do you think I need those for?” masato knows what.

tashiro replies anyway, drily from up on uneven paving, “hanzawa senpai, you’re bleeding. you need blood. to survive.”

“tashiro-kun, did I die?”

things are splintering a little. crackly film.

a web of cracks splitting tashiro’s composure, his voice shaking, “why did you?”

that wasn’t what masato asked.

—

“hanzawa senpai.”

“…”

“senpai.”

“…tashiro-kun.”

“you’re not face first in muck this time.”

the smile’s carving itself in, muscle memory. masato’s not going to ask what he meant by this time. “thank you.”

“did you die?”

“do I look dead?”

in the old school projector film behind his eyelids, the flickering doesn’t feel out of place. “I’ve got bandages.”

“ta-shi-ro-kuuun, what do you think I need those for?” masato’s always known what.

“hanzawa senpai, you’re bleeding. you need blood. to survive.”

“tashiro-kun, did I die?”

the shadows cast by a lantern hidden just behind tashiro make his shoulders look broad. masato swallows down a laugh, but he’s not sure what’s funny. “don’t be shallow, senpai, looks aren’t everything.”

the laugh comes out anyway. he manages, “I feel dead, forget the looks.”

“I can’t. I won’t.”

masato takes his turn to squint. they weren’t taking turns. it doesn’t matter. he doesn’t know if he still feels like laughing. he knows for sure that he can’t think of anything to say.

it’s just as well. tashiro isn’t having the same problem. “I think you should just, I don’t know. care about yourself more.”

masato swallows. his lips press into a chagrined line. “I don’t not care,” he says.

tashiro looks right through him. his eyes are like headlights.

he doesn’t actually need to say it, and masato can tell that he almost doesn’t, but maybe tashiro thought he needed to hear it out loud, feel it taking up space. maybe he was right.

“your caring sucks, senpai. it killed you.”

masato doesn’t want to follow that thread. “how many times have you been here, tashiro-kun?”

tashiro doesn’t buy into it. his demeanor is at once solemn and jarringly pleading, “senpai, won’t you live for once?”

masato means to say it like a joke, because it is one, but by accident the words, “how could I begin to deny you,” are dropping off his tongue, he doesn’t even know why, he doesn’t know why he said that, and no amount of exaggerated irreverence can hide from tashiro—eyes like cleavers, more like—the characters slipping into the water.

the ripples aren’t all that big, but they’re big enough.

like when your head aches, or the gash in your chest is losing you too much blood, or the water is tugging itself a little too close to that gash to be comfortable. something like that. something like that. it’s enough.

he doesn’t think he’s making any sense. it’s just too warm.

“maa-kun,” his older brother’s crooning, pushing his damp bangs off his forehead with cold fingers, “I think you’re sick.”

masato blinks away what he hopes is sweat. “gross.”

“not gross, worrying. sit up please.”

“I’ll throw up.”

“you won’t.”

“you’re right, I won’t.”

he’s getting fussed over in the middle of the night, on the couch that he’s sweating all over, and he’s watching a fan across the room spin and it’s nauseating and he stops looking at it. he’s getting fussed over in the middle of the night, by his older brother, because his mom’s out of town visiting her sister. he’s getting fussed over in the middle of the night, feeling a little out of his body. feeling a little—not at all—a lot like a little kid again. feeling sick, and pathetic.

he goes into the bathroom, wobbly and upset and over-warm, and he throws up.

—

reality’s tearing itself up, his dreams are eating it up, he’s falling apart and melting at the seams, he sits in almost-too-cold water until he thinks he’s gonna throw up again.

put him on ice, already, the sooner the funeral the sooner he can get some fucking rest.

his older brother’s sitting against the door frame, slipping in and out of consciousness. he murmurs, reaching forward to pet his hair, “‘s it too cold?”

masato doesn’t think it’s sweat. “it’s okay.”

—

it wouldn’t have been a very good joke, even if it’d come out right.

masato thinks he just choked around, “I want to. I want to.”

#iii of iii: funeral arrangements #hanzawa to tashiro #hanzawa masato #tashiro gonzaburou #…hanzawa masato’s nii-san as well #getting all my darts tags out of the way first. #now then. it’s been two months. most of what you see here was written in the last two hours #number of reasons for this. no idea what most of them are though #writers block for a bit Maybe ‘‘‘‘hyperfixations’’’’ other than this one DEFINITELY #but also. a breadth of images in my head that want out but maybe don’t fit here or there. Yeah. probably will be a followup of miscellaneous #lines and so on later. like spring cleaning. but on the cusp of the new year #i don’t know. it’s time being weird and dreams being weirder and looping over and over #and it’s the sibling emotion bleeding all over. because that’s where i’ve been since at least november #two months ago ogasawara was supposed to be in funeral arrangements. two months is a long time. #i’m warm while i’m writing this. #also in a little bit of a fugue state. the word masato was looking for was ‘undertaker’ #okay. it’s good to get this out no matter what. because putting myself in a position of obligation with i ii and iii. was bold for me #but. i think i don’t mind in the end #that said What gets written from this point forward gets written. no one expect anything from me for a bit #but also feel free to put thoughts in my head. i do so like using words for those sorts of things #enough from me now. good talk #dirtbrain writing

[mossiestpiglet]

chewing the walls about the way sunakawa reacts to the ogre story btw like. everyone else sees what the blue ogre did as this unbelievably selfless tragic sacrifice, to leave his home and only friend so that that friend could have the happiness he wanted. but not suna, OF COURSE not suna whose concept of friendship is entirely based around how he feels for takeo. to him, it’s only natural to make a choice like that. it’s the only choice that would make sense.

Who wouldn’t change the entire course of their own life to make their friend happy? That’s just how friendship works guys

#i NEED sunakawa to discover qprs because bestie youre in one #i love that the series does show that suna’s understanding of friendship is not the norm #and that since other kinds of friendships are shown and shown positively i dont even think its meant as like every friendship should be THIS #either. like i think on some level it is an exploration of a different kind of relationship just without the specific language that we use #in mainly apec and other queer spaces #okay i should stop before i get carried away and dump the essay here #i have too many aro thoughts about this series #ore monogatari #my love story!! #sunakawa makoto #ecdysing

[avibero]

took a lil bit of a risk/shot in the dark last week and sent a cold email, and was expecting absolutely nothing to come from it, or even some pushback, but it's actually been going a lot better than I hoped?? still quite possible this is as far as things go, but even if it is, it was still worth

#fsh.txt #wild to me that i read A Certain Hunger and my main takeaway was that i needed to send an unsolicited email at 10pm #yes i did have Actual Thoughts on the book but #my immediate thought upon finishing was that i gotta send that email #and hey! it turned out okay! #anyway #depending how things go from here i might talk about it in more detail later #but for now im just kinda basking in unexpected positive response #(and no the email was not about cannibalism)

[sensesdialed]

the way some people will just go out of their way to misconstrue m.cu peter is like. can we get a new bit maybe

#now genuine mcu writing criticism i understand and agree with. also some choices regarding his creation in general #but talking about him as if he just accepts may's death and 'his fate' right there in comparison to atsv is. oh my god #he did not just say 'okay' and move on. tobey and andrew were NOT telling him to accept may's death 'because it had to happen' #they were showing solidarity with this grieving kid and trying to prevent him from spiraling over something that had Already Happened #and this whole movie was peter REFUSING TO LISTEN and SAVING THE LIVES of multiple villains that he was told were supposed to die #not ONCE in any movie he's been in has he EVER been one to listen to authority?? if he had been told that may would die before it happened #you're telling me you think he WOULDN'T have tried to save her? #if he were around for atsv he would empathize with and side with miles! #like i already HAD thoughts about the very similar position he was just in and how complicated he'd feel here but since spiderman fans #can't fucking handle nuance i'm making a point of the fact that he KNOWS where miles is coming from first #i also think the spiderverse movies are objectively better but there is no reason to be This obtuse about his characterization #🕸 ❝ i have nothing left… except spider man ❞ → ooc #atsv spoilers #kind of??

[kimtaegis]

👋 2022

#I won’t go into detail about real life except that it was. well. a Trip #learned some things went through things. the year of baby steps I guess #BUT I wanna write some thoughts about my 2022 tumblr experience down #it was… also quite a Trip #positive first: learned to stay off this site when necessary! very important mental-health wise #my most used tag this year was my track tag! shoutout to everyone who’s been using it #you bring me much joy by sharing your creations with me. I appreciate it 🤍 #another shoutout to all the incredibly lovely people who’ve come to my inbox this year #I’ve been very lucky in that regard. 98% of my anons have been the kindest sweetest most eloquent people #and I’m happy to have been able to have super interesting thoughtful and respectful discussions from time to time #okay what else. oh HIGHLIGHT of my year here – my birthday ADFFGHJ #I felt so so so spoiled and couldn’t (still can’t) believe the amount of spectacular gif(t)s I got. made me feel stupidly happy oh my god #I learned a lot of new skills and techniques for gfx making. kept experimenting with different styles which has been fun! #gif making has turned more into a relaxing activity than something that makes me feel pressured and anxious #I dialed it down a bit compared to last year and I think that was a good decision as well #as for not so positive things. well. #of course there are the usual/ general ‘complaints’ like lack in interaction and the like #got my first proper anon hate in November. that was something #HUGE lesson I learned this year: just because someone states in their bio that they’re adults doesn’t mean they act like ones <3 #people can be very childish ruthless and simply not worth one’s effort #and a last thing that fits quite well to that: 9 out of 10 people do not care about you. not about your time and effort you put in content #not about whether you’re online or not. not about how you might feel when they say and do certain things #I think I need to learn how to embrace this kind of insignificance. be more audacious. find validation within myself #okay I’ll stop now #I wanna say thank you to all the lovely people who made this year on tumblr more enjoyable and who truly brighten the place up for me #I love you lots and wish you all the best for 2023 #it’s gonna be a hard year for me with lots of challenges and changes #and it’s nice to have this little space here where you can escape to from time to time #mwah. smooches to all of you. happy new year <3

[theunikingdom]

okay hi little check in since i never use tumblr anymore... It was so bad for my mental health but sometimes i miss it here!

i never know what to write as evident from the last time i did this but umm idk! i hope everyones been Doing ok...

unfortunately bringing down the mood and this is genuinely not a callout please dont try to find them but [ !! TW for incest and proship in this paragraph !! ] someone i used to follow and reblog from has started Shipping hawkodile with his brother apparently??? which is SO gross so if youre going through my old rbs pleaseeee ignore that user i dont condone this at all 😭😭😭 i blocked them and deleted some rbs (itd take me too long to find and delete all of them for a website i barely use anymore). genuinely not starting beef or drama, and do not bring me into this, im not even active. i just need to clarify this all happened while i was gone and i never supported that and i never will. very disheartening

[TW ENDED] UGGHH okay i wanna end this on a higher note because Yikes!!!

tbh after being gone so long i really doubt many people will read this but hi!!! i wanted to say i wont be deleting my account anytime soon despite my inactivity because i dont want people to lose the art i posted while i was here!! the uk community is probably still pretty dead and i dont wanna take any more art away from them ^_^' i still love the show but separating myself from the fandom was so necessary. anyways!! i dont really have much else to say..... well not really cause i wrote more in the tags after but whatever im just gonna finish my post down there

#// incest tw #// tw incest #praying thats how you tag shit cause ive been away fortoo long and i forgot #really didnt wanna have to put that on my little post here but Damn.... i do NOT want to be associated with that in any way shape or form #idk how to make this post more positive i feel like the Bad is outweighing the good but i wanted to write something and i dont have as much #-to say as i thought i did #also protect trans kids! and fuck transphobes and terfs! shit has gotten worse since i stopped posting and i hate it #okay umm i hope everyones well and i think thats it! until next time

[bmpmp3]

although i guess a point to me being genuinely kind of offline is i once had a job interview and they asked me what i would make as reels for their corporate instagram and i had to ask them what reels were

#i applied to that job by accident and i didnt realize it was a social media manager position until like i was already in the zoom call #(this was like in 2020 or something) (in my defense the job posting was vague) #i didnt know what reels were!! i didnt know. i hadnt used instagram for more than like 20 minutes before orz #that job interview in general was a little painful i felt so so bad for the interviewers #i knew theres no way i could get the job nor did i want the job once i realized what it was #so i was just like okay sure heres a quick little practice interview then so i didnt mind #but i imagine those poor interviewers. imagine u get a candidate for like. a chef position. and they dont know what a knife is #they asked me if i used twitter much and i was honest and said not since a little bit in 2014 for a class project #they asked if i used instagram and i said once or twice. also for school #facebook? anything? not really. technically tumblr and dA and such but i wasnt gonna tell them that part LOL #also sorry im suddenly really chatty at midnight. i had a bunch of homework to do and i just finished #so now ur getting all the thoughts i wanted to blog about while writing some discussion posts about class topics hjkfdsjgdklfsgsfa

[tenrosedyke]

a good chunk of my teenage and adult life was spent in a very intense very life consuming depression. like there are genuinely years I can barely remember because it's like I was living in a fog for months and months at a time and I didn't feel anything and nothing brought me joy for so long. and so people would be like "it'll get better:)" and I was like yeah OK sure. whatever I want to kms. But then it actually did get better??? And it is a miracle. Oh my God it's a miracle. I want to fucking scream it from the rooftops. Not being depressed is the most incredible feeling and I've been carrying it for about a full year now. I smile at people on the street and mean it and see beauty in EVERYTHING and I don't need big giant things to bring me joy. I like listening to music on the bus. And cooking for myself and others. And I love putting on weird outfits just to go to the grocery store. And getting into a bed after a nice shower. There is sunshine in my brain and I can't believe how lucky I am that it came back

#i thought for a while it was because of my ex bc i figured it was just the feeling of being love. and that may have contributed #but we're broken up now and i still feel it <3 #i get sad sometimes still. but in like a normal way #i dont have passing thoughts about wanting to be dead LOL i am glad to be here !!! every day i wake up is a blessing !!! #im happy !!! i have hope for my future and im excited for it !!!! #lovely. #also i think part of this was my brain developing Tbh like my absolute WORST was 17-21 ish and it started slowly getting better #now im almost 24 and i just feel so much more stable and okay with everything god life is good #me #this is also prompted because a coworker told me im a super light and happy person and i almost cried because i remember #the times when anyone who saw me would ask me what was wrong or if i was tired because there was just no life in me #:):):):):) #sorry for long post LOL but at least its positive

[exopelagic]

auuudggghghhrhrhrbrr

#okay I’m feeling Bad and I need to unpick why before I’ll be able to sleep #friend is asking abt lunch on Friday when I already have standing commitment w other friends then so I can’t do that. #but I also go home on Sunday and I can’t do shit until Friday bc work and I have plans on Saturday so I just. can’t see them #which. I guess makes things easier actually that’s not something I can control and I’m not changing existing plans that’s unfair #I’m also listening to a playlist of old music (Apple Music generated favourites — so literally random picked from everything I’ve ever done #and the last few songs have made me feel Bad bc of being associated with certain times but song playing rn is definitively a good song #w a good memory attached and it’s MY song not one of my old friends #okay where are we #I’m stressed abt presentation on Thursday but also a non issue. I’m prepared. I have all day tomorrow to practice and read up more #and then it’s 20 minutes on Thursday morning I’ll be done before 10am #I am. a little frustrated on a broader scale about the role I’m currently occupying #in that w a bunch of my friends I’m having to be the one with their shit together and dealing with their Stuff. #mostly in the way that I have to be putting in extra effort to tiptoe around them and steer stuff to keep them happy #i can do it i can do it easily I’ve just tasted not having to now so it’s. noticeably different having to do it more #i do Not have the words to talk abt this in the way I want to it’s so annoying #it’s like. I know how my friend responds to stuff. I know the things that make her anxious and what her instinctual responses will be #and I’m constantly having higher level thoughts planning out how things will go it’s effortless and constant it’s just There #with everyone all the time but sometimes I use it more and sometimes I have to because I’m in a position where if I don’t we’ll get nowhere #and I don’t like that I’m having to worry abt keeping other people happy while I’m talking to my friends it removes me a layer from stuff #hrm. there are broader questions here abt the utility of this bc like. sure it helps in some situations #but this probably isn’t great long term for either of us. wild. goddamn talking to my friend abt philosophy opened new parts of my brain #anyway I cba to have those thoughts rn! it’s midnight! I’m going to bed in half an hour <3 #it’s honestly unfair that I have to do anything other than be gay and play pokemon #luke.txt #uaUrghrhfhjs I’m also being insane abt a guy. which is predictable and I feel stupid abt for multiple reasons but. here we are. #I’m being insane. and maybe I should be less mean to myself but I feel like I’m being insane. #I think! I need to go to bed! #I am not being insane I am having feelings and that is allowed. feelings are typically regarded as a pretty normal thing to have. #philosophy friend is gonna be so mad at me if anything comes of this but it’s fine and if it does I think I’ll be pretty happy anyway #point is I’m doing nothing wrong and have done nothing wrong and I’m allowed to feel whatever the hell I like. okay.

[basingstokemercury]

mem. if you write about things that are important to you don't be surprised when the story affects you emotionally.

#mostly positive I've been feeling the need to spend more time with my kid brothers #but also they're so much younger we'll almost certainly end up with me moving out and doing my own thing while they're still so small #and I can't see them every day #hopefully I won't end up going off to battle for years and missing their entire teen years #but it's still a more personally meaningful story than I expected when I thought oh hey what if Fairfax kills Leonard and Phoebe finds out #the thing that feels weird is writing from the perspective of the younger sibling here #because it's hard to know how mine feel about me and they're a bit young to express or understand that sort of thing #urgh okay off to continue grasping fruitlessly at sleep

[mrfoox]

Uh. Like month... 4... Without an big breakdown and im 😳 what.... Wha

#miranda talking shit #I always say this but holy shit what the fuck i didnt think medication could have so much impact #I thought be being numb would be the best case. But here i am like 👍 life's not so bleak. I have loved ones. There's more for me to see #Like what the fuck.... Ive been sucidal since i was 11... I thought that would just be permanent for me... That it would kill me one day #But here i am just.... Like...living? #I mean im still not living life to the fullest mainly bc im still not used to just ... Be and not feel like garbage #I still have many problems and inner battles but they don't .... Send me into the abyss or worse #Anti medication people can probably argue if im ACTUALLY happy or just high of my meds or something but i... #I just feel like myself but ...kinda like when you put on glasses after being without them for a while #You see things clearer again and you had forgotten that your eyes were bad #I see the same things who would make me smile for 1 second. Now i see them and they make me smile for half a minute or more #I feel i think a lot more and notice smaller things. Smaller delights. A little cute bug flying by. An pretty flower outside. Someone #Laughing with their friend. A child playing outside. They all make me happy now and i just ... Yeah. #I am not the most positive person alive or am super happy all the time... But having actual ... Normal days #Actually be just... Just fine. Not 'i have managed to not cry and kept my mental health in check somewhat etc' but actually just #Things are fine. On an scale more in tune with others version if fine. Im used to my okay days just being like... Oh i was awake today #I ate a meal today. I didn't cry. But i still had my usual bad mental space but it was fine bc it was a bit more manageable #That was a fine day. Now I'm like... Id describe my days now as great days. I usually have one or two of these days #Per year ... Now i have them like daily... Theyre just fine. It blows my mind... #Ive always been positive to medication despite not finding one that helped me as much as i... Wanted. But now it's like #Holy shit yeah. Wish i found this medicine at age 15 when i started and not 10 years later but man im glad i finally found it #So glad i decided not to just settle with the one i had. When i brought up i wanted to try new medication again #Doctors were like what... But why? And it's like.... Yeah that one i had was.... The best i had found at the time and i had kept it for 3 #Years. But it did only help me to stabilize some. I still felt like garbage... And explaining that to a doctor is like... Idk how to do that #Like id say my old medication helped 25% i know it helped mostly with my general anxiety. But it wasn't like to a point i felt #It was a GOOD medication for me. Just ... It was the best i had tried so... It was fine...