#ollie's 2021 progress

[callumilott]

junior drivers to watch in 2023

a comprehensive, incomplete and biased list by yours truly, based on what ive watched/read in 2022

Andrea Kimi Antonelli (age 16, Mercedes junior | 2022: Italian & German F4) only the second driver to win both italian and german f4 in the same season. seems like someone to watch and someone who might progress to f3 next season. i haven’t personally seen him race yet but the double title is quite telling

Ollie Bearman (age 17, Ferrari junior | 2022: F3) the first driver to win both italian and german f4 in one season. had a superb rookie season in f3 in which he nearly took the title home. still a lot to learn as he was prone to some rookie errors but nothing he can’t sort out with some more experience. will probably progress to f2 in 2023 and, depending on the team, might very well be a solid candidate for the title

Franco Colapinto (age 19 | 2022: F3) joined f3 as a rookie with a brand new team (VAR) which took over the HWA entry. both franco and the team absolutely smashed it out of the park and got really good results. very impressive driver who i’m excited about to see what else he can do. better car probably required tho

Enzo Fittipaldi (age 21, Red Bull junior | 2022: F2) after recovering from a horrific accident in 2021 to race in f2 again in 2022, enzo has been absolutely impressive. he drives a charouz for crying out loud. got a several podiums and is in a fight with several others for a top 4 (or potentially top 3) finish in the f2 standings. i hope he can continue this in a next season. who knows what he can do with a better car

Ollie Goethe (age 18 | 2022: Euroformula Open & F3 temp) this kid positively blew me away tbh. he joined campos in f3 as a sub in hungary where it rained all weekend. he qualified in reverse grid pole (p10) in only his second ever session in an f3 car, took points in the sprint and barely missed out on a podium in spa. hope he gets promoted to f3 in a good team and he can show what he can really do with a full time drive

Isack Hadjar (age 18, Red Bull junior | 2022: F3) so he was on to win f3 for a while but in the end lost out to the 3 others also on this list. he’s still stellar, don’t let that p4 fool you, and i think we’ll see more great things from him in the future. i definitely hope so at least. promoting him to f2 might be too soon but who knows what they’re smoking at the RB junior program. very impressive and quite consistent, which is always impressive for a junior.

Zane Maloney (age 19 | 2022: F3) quite impressive in f3, almost took the title home as well. prone to some rookie errors but overall a solid driver who really found his groove throughout the season. curious to see what he can do next year! no idea if he’s gonna get promoted or not but either way, i’m sure he’ll do well

Victor Martins (age 21, Alpine junior (god help him) | 2022: F3 champion) won, of course, the f3 title this year. he has his off days sometimes but is overall very very solid. i just think he’s neat and he’s also very good. most likely will be promoted to f2 next year, potentially with ART. his rookie season might not be as mind-blowing as some people expect, but he’s a driver who needs a bit of time to get used to a series and find his groove so he’ll be fine!

Sebastian Montoya (age 17 | 2022: Formula Regional & F3 temp) i’ve only seen him race as a sub in f3 this year but with minimal experience in an f3 car he scored points in both races he did! in a campos! if he gets promoted, i think he’ll be one to watch as a front runner. potentially?

Zak O’Sullivan (age 17, Williams junior | 2022: F3) listen i know ur wondering why p11 in the championship is on this list but LISTEN. he’s good. he had one hell of a learning curve this year with straight up silly errors at the start but he’s learning! he had some superb results as well and rumour has it he’s going to prema next year which means he will be a solid front runner. also, that wet-to-dry race in hungary where he went from 28th to 4th? yeah :) i think hes neat. hes like callum but in italics u know

Gregoire Saucy (age 22 | 2022: F3) again, why is p15 of the standings here, u ask? because he has potential that really didn’t show too well this year. i’m not sure what his achilles heel is but he’s also a driver who does better with more experience so i hope he’ll get another shot next year. not someone i’d write off based on one bad season is all i’ll say

#text* #hiii everyone hi #am i active? not really #but this particular post had been on my mind all week so #decided to write it! #itll be fun to see next year if i have a good eye for it or if im wayyyy off #its also biased in the sense of i didnt include drivers i dont like #f3 #f2 #i guess lmao #idk im debating posting a bit more but the anxiety still runs rampant so #i do miss editing

[anonbinaryweirdo]

i think that one of my all time favorite OCS might be my dangan oc; Kristabelle Nakanishi

I've been roleplaying for like years now, but we first got into Danganronpa roleplays in like 2021-2022, but it was before I knew anything about it fr (fun facto; Oliver enters fandoms without knowing anything about said fandom, that way they're more like to get more into it by reading into the lore as time progresses)

I'm pretty sure the story was changed around a bit, because we soon started a childhood server, which is where we roleplayed our ocs/characters stories and developed the lore

Kristabelle was traumatized obviously like she's my OC she does NOT get a pass tf

ahe had a younger twin sister, and an older brother, who "died" in that same server, and she also had a girlfriend, who she ran away from because of something she was forced to do

her and her siblings were like test dummies for their father (Oliver stop projecting your daddy issues onto all of your ocNO.) BUT they were also raised assassins at a young age, this adding onto the trauma and abuse for obvious reasons

there was this orphanage that all the kids would go to to hang out, and that's where she met kokichi (and his twin sister, played by the same person), who ended up being her best friend and bonded through the trauma !

there was stitch, mia, sparks, mazuko, charlie/ollie, and kristabelle, as the og original character cast

eventually some bad things happened, and everyone separated, and kristabelle ran away, but not before getting to spend some last times with kokichi, who gave her a matching hairpin to remember each other by

now, this wasn't canon at first, but I had went offline for a bit and came back to the server (killing game) spamming me, like, "KRISTABELLE AND TOGAMI MAKE THEM FOUND FAMILY"

I was like lol why

"they're both rich, they both drink tea, they're both tall and sassy, I'd let them step on me (<-mia), they have a lot in common, theyre both kinda antags, they would be unsTOppable, MAKE THEM FOUND FAMILY." OKAY DAMN

so I did !

obviously they weren't fond of each other at first, but eventually they actually did become like an amazing fucking duo

again this was an alternate universe with a somewhat changed story, not everything will be entirely lore accurate <//3

they both fucked up trials, and almost found themselves being executed because of misunderstandings, took no one's shit fr

i think we merged killing games in this ⁉️ because we didn't wanna do separate ones for every game + we didn't want to necessarily have us in every game, so we put all three together, and oh my god it was so chaotic in the best way, everything was harder and much more hilarious but like traumatizing too

everyone obviously had like amnesia, except for stitch and Junko, who were the main masterminds ⁉️ so kokichi and kristabelle didn't even recognize each other, sadly

when they were kids they were inseparable

THE EXECUTIONS

stitch always came up with the executions for our OCS and they were so creative

I was heartbroken once because someone else's oc died and I liked them like NO⁉️

Oliver is getting off track, but like she's one of my best OCS I think personally, not counting my genshin OCS because then, Kristabelle would NOT be my favorite.

I wrote out

like

four? or three things for her, little snippets of her past and how traumatizing it was

I wrote out a full on death scene I was surprised with myself reading back on it

#oli rambles #no really she rambles #oc talk ! #this was written in a walmart

[a-crumb-of-whump]

I posted 976 times in 2022

That's 976 more posts than 2021!

720 posts created (74%)

256 posts reblogged (26%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@whumpsday

@whumpshaped

@pigeonwhumps

@waytoobsessed

@jordanstrophe

I tagged 958 of my posts in 2022

Only 2% of my posts had no tags

#whump - 430 posts

#whump stuff - 381 posts

#whump things - 347 posts

#whump thoughts - 345 posts

#whumpee - 316 posts

#whump scenarios - 302 posts

#reblog - 251 posts

#oc coco - 241 posts

#oc ollie - 230 posts

#caretaker - 213 posts

Longest Tag: 116 characters

#but when i imagine this i always imagine caretaker finding them all beaten and bloodied after the whumpers have left

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Some Of My Favourite Whump-y Phrases

Content warning: [implied] dehumanisation, [implied] abuse/torture, manipulation.

Phrases said by Whumpee

"It hurts."

"I'll be good for you."

"Let me go!"

"Please, make it stop."

"You're hurting me!"

"I'm scared."

"I can't breathe-"

"Get the hell off me!"

"Please don't hurt me."

"Someone will come for me, just you wait."

"Please, no more."

"I can't do this anymore."

"I'm s- so cold."

"Please don't look at me like that."

"You make me feel disgusting."

"I just want to be loved."

Phrases said by Caretaker

"I've got you."

"Leave them alone."

"Why didn't you tell me this was happening?"

"I won't let you go, I promise."

"I should have done more to protect you."

"You're burning up."

"I don't care how long it takes, you bring them back to me or so help me god."

"It's okay, you can cry if you need to."

"You're safe now."

"Let me see them."

See the full post

674 notes - Posted February 24, 2022

#4

"I will say it as many times as I need to for you to believe me," Caretaker promised, cupping Whumpee's beaten face in their warm hands to emphasise their words. "You did not deserve the things that man did to you. Not a single thing."

Whumpee sniffled. "Are you sure?"

"Positive."

714 notes - Posted June 17, 2022

#3

Content: Conditioned whumpee, PTSD/trauma.

"Are you sure you don't want to sleep up here with me?"

Whumpee shook their head, curling up in the corner of the room as best they could. "Whumper will be mad. C-can't make Whumper mad or I-I'll get a beating."

Whumper's not here anymore, Caretaker wanted to say, as they had been ever since Whumpee had gotten home. It was their go-to response whenever the conditioned Whumpee did something out of the usual. However, it was obvious that it was not working as they'd hoped.

So, they resorted to plan b instead.

"Wh-what are you doing?" Whumpee whispered, watching through wide eyes as Caretaker gathered all the bedding up off the mattress and promptly dumped it all on the floor. "Caretaker?"

"If Whumper won't let you sleep in bed, then I guess I'll just have to join you on the floor," Caretaker responded as they knelt down and began arranging everything to make somewhat of a bed. Once they were done, they climbed under the covers and opened up their arms, silently motioning Whumpee towards them. "Come on, honey."

Progress, caretaker thought to themself as felt Whumpee curl up beside them and rest their head on their shoulder. They wiped away several of their tears with their thumb, offering a gentle smile.

785 notes - Posted August 13, 2022

#2

*Leaves out the bit where I torture my OCs relentlessly and then give them a soft blanket and call it a day*

820 notes - Posted August 7, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Tired Whumpees...

drifting in and out of consciousness every few minutes.

Getting emotional.

Falling asleep on uncomfortable surfaces.

Sleeping with their favourite stuffed animal/blanket/etc.

Talking/mumbling incoherently in their sleep.

Dozing off in Caretaker or Whumper's arms.

Forcing themselves to stay awake.

Curling up into a ball in their bed.

Scared of falling asleep due to nightmares/night terrors.

Falling asleep the moment they're safe in their favourite person's arms.

Whining/wincing at the bright lights.

Unable to recognise their caretaker when they see them.

Passing out from exhaustion.

Sleepily reaching out for Caretaker in hopes that they'll hold them.

Caretakers of tired whumpees...

Hushing someone who's being too loud whilst Whumpee is trying to sleep.

Brushing whumpee's hair out of their face to kiss their forehead as they doze off.

Promising they'll be there when they wake up.

Gently rocking Whumpee in their arms.

Bridal carrying them to their bed.

Watching over them as they sleep.

Tucking them in tight.

Humming soothingly to them.

Turning the air-con/heater on to help keep them cool/warm.

Reading a book/watching a movie beside them to make sure they're okay.

Lying on Whumpee because it helps them sleep.

Resting their hand on Whumpee's forehead every now and again.

Admiring them as they sleep.

Getting emotional the moment Whumpee isn't awake to see them.

See the full post

1,268 notes - Posted March 3, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#:)

[somethin-human]

Good luck with your crocheting! I just started learning a little too so we're learning at the same time : )

Good luck to you too! :D

I remember trying to learn proper crocheting back in 2021 but like I messed up so many times so I just dropped it. But then I saw people making moss blankets and rugs recently and thought I could give it another go. So if anyone wants to start off with something really simple, start off with that.

There’s no specific pattern to it and it’s gonna look nice even if there is something you “messed up”.

A little side thing that I might draw later: Ollie on the couch, watching Star Trek while crocheting (but the thing he’s making has all these little mistakes but he doesn’t know how to fix it so he’s just like ✨Progress✨

#redacted audio #redactedverse #redacted asmr #redacted headcanons #redacted patreon #redacted ollie #Didn’t realize how many cramps my hand would get from crocheting lol

[burlveneer-music]

Glenn Fallows & Mark Treffel - The Globeflower Masters Vol​.​2 - another batch of 70s-inspired cinematic instrumentals

Glenn Fallows and Mark Treffel released their first album, ‘The Globeflower Master Vol. 1’, on Mr Bongo in September 2021. With its lush, warm and timeless productions paying homage to classic 60s and 70s soundtrack composers, it was very well received and struck a chord with the scene’s connoisseurs. Louder Than War emphatically stated, "It’s impossible not to like The Globeflower Masters Vol. 1.”, with Gigwise echoing that praise “slickly compelling retro vibes”. The Globeflower Master Vol. 2 is the slightly edgier and more grown-up sequel to Mark and Glenn's 2021 debut album. For this excursion, the Brighton-based duo wanted to lean a little further into their European film soundtrack influences, with particular inspiration mined from the works of Stefano Torossi, David Shire, and Roger Webb. This expansion of their sound builds upon the rich tapestry of cinematic funk à la David Axelrod, Serge Gainsbourg and Morricone that fashioned Vol. 1. Here the arrangements, melodies, and harmonies have been refined; only what is needed is left. The recordings are drenched in visual imagery; they stimulate the senses and invite the imagination to roam. Ethereal, hazy memories of lost summers are triggered; the beauty of listening to music when driving along a deserted road in the Italian countryside lined with cypress trees heading towards the sun, and beyond. As the musical journey progresses, we even take a voyage to another planet. Whether these memories are real or constructed recollections of scenes from film and television, the tracks evoke a feeling of nostalgia and comfort. Like all the best music, 'The Globeflower Masters Vol. 2' takes us out of ourselves even if it's only temporarily. To consolidate the shape of the sound, drummers Timmy Rickard and Ollie Boorman (who also featured on Vol. 1) and John Maiden (Tricky collaborator) sprinkled their magic and forged their stamps onto the recordings. Collaborating with other talented musicians contributed to the picture Mark and Glenn wanted to paint. The ‘Globeflower Master Vol. 2’ is a fitting tribute to the music they love and care deeply about and a glorious addition to their musical world.

#Glenn Fallows #mark treffel #library music #soundtrack #cinematic #mr bongo #uk #brighton #2022 #jazz-funk

[citrusinfused]

hi yall ! my name is ollie, and i'm the author and curator of a novel in progress called Citrus Infused (ci for short). Citrus Infused is a passion project i started in late 2021 and has since grown into something i never thought it would. for now, this is its home.

thanks for stopping by! enjoy your stay. ☕💛

about me

my name is ollie m. jenks. i've been writing since i was about 12 years old and i have a passion for worldbuilding and character creation. i've read and written a lot of various fantasy content and find that it's my favorite genre. i plan to publish citrus infused one day, whether it be just printing a few copies to mail to my friends or putting paperback copies on shelves. i'm extremely enthusiastic about this book & would love to hear a thing or two about it from you. asks are always open.

tagging system

work in progress

links

citrus infused character aesthetics

citrus infused worldbuilding

az & asteraoth spotify playlist

FAQ

(posted soon)

#signed omj #this will definitely be edited as time goes on

[tonkiprogram]

Aural training

#AURAL TRAINING PROFESSIONAL#

Katy Kelleher,, 14 July 2022 This range of plumage and their shifting visual and aural characteristics are partly why the Soundsuits remain interesting after 30 years and several hundreds of examples later. Ollie Barder, Forbes, 31 July 2022 Like so many millennials, Olivia Rodrigo’s 2021 album, Sour, rekindled my aural appreciation for angry, vindictive, vitriolic music. 2022 One final point of note is the genuinely excellent musical score, with veteran game composer Yasunori Matsuda heading up the game’s aural soundscape. 2021 The Latter-all ghoulish synths and loud 808s-comes on like some aural equivalent to an MJ-eating-candy-corn gif. Includes a Learning mode to imprint the pitches into the brain.Recent Examples on the Web The scene is announced with the portentous drone of bagpipes, an aural assault generated by a battalion of 30 highland pipers playing in a converted church in Scotland. Given the same note played at different octaves, can you identify its pitch? Listen to a scale and can you then identify it as a Major scale, Harmonic Minor or Natural Minor for example? You can make it easier by adjusting the speed and focusing on a few notes at a time.Ĭan you distinguish a I - IV - V - I progression from a I - V- IV - I? Contains all the most common chord progressions which you will find in nearly all the most popular songs. Listen to a melody and then play it back on the piano. Given a chord can you identify a specific note/pitch within it? For example, given a C Major chord, can you find the highest note? Given 2 intervals, can you determine whether the second interval is wider or narrower in distance?Ī popular test that comes up in music grade aural exams. You can easily adjust the difficult by setting a time interval between listening and playing. This exercise allows your to zoom in on the note using relative pitch skills, and will record how many notes it takes for you to correctly identify. Whilst this is a beginners exercise, you can challenge yourself by reducing the range of the 2 notes played.Īfter hearing a pitch, can you accurately play that same pitch on the piano? Musicians can train their ears to recognise different pitches. Given 2 notes, can you identify whether the second note is higher or lower in pitch than the first note? Work your way quickly and steadily through the levels.Īnother exercise to help you fully understand musical theory and composition. You can challenge yourself by changing the key of the chord. You can help your understanding by selecting arpeggio mode to aid chord distinction and selecting highlight to visualise the construction of the chords. There are 100s of chords to differentiate. This is made easy as it associates an interval with a well known song.Ĭan you distinguish between a Major from a Minor chord for example?

Ideal for all musicians as you can easily change the instrument sounds.īeing able to determine intervals between notes in the key skill to playing by ear.Ĭhallenge your expertise by changing the base note or playing the notes together.

#AURAL TRAINING PROFESSIONAL#

Highly recommended by professional and student musicians in top musical schools contributing to the design for their own use.Most popular and extensive ear training with over 1 millions users.Configurable piano which strongly aids connection between visual and aural skills and musical instruments.A simple intuitive design enables you quickly enjoy ear training and follow the help and tutorials to get most out of the ear trainer.Track progress as you improve efficiently in each ear training discipline.Quickly develop aural skills by personalising your training by focusing on specific chords, intervals, progressions, scales etc.Suitable for beginners to advanced musicians with all the essential ear training exercises in various levels.

#Aural training

[marctoddmusic]

Absolutely ecstatic to announce I’ll be doing a mini tour with Rosier Artist Management! 8/9- The Horn, St Albans 9/9-Bar-OH, Cambridge 10/9-Spice of Life, London The Maida Vales The Maida Vales’ musical roots lie in the infectiously catchy pop-rock rhythms of The Raconteurs and Supergrass as well as the traditional Brit-pop sounds of the 60’s. The band’s powerful “larger than life” stage presence has been compared to the exuberant energy of The Clash and The Rolling Stones. Originating in St.Alban’s and consisting of guitarist/vocalist Paul Littler, lead guitarist Matteo Cervellin, bass guitarist/vocalist Kelpie McKenzie, and drummer/vocalist Ollie Dixon, The Maida Vales have fast become one of the country’s premier unsigned groups. The band was introduced to producer Matthew Twaites who went on to record and produce the band’s first EP including debut single “Sunday Morning”. New Morning Blues Ethereal, emotional and unconventional, this progressive duo weave compelling tales through a fusion of folk, country, and indie, with a lush soundscape that ranges from the celestial to the cinematic. Joanna Backovic is a composer and performance artist who creates electroacoustic music, sonic art, and score for theatre and film. Ian de Sylva’s first band, Silver, released music on Rough Trade Records and subsequently signed to Medicine/Warner Bros, recording their debut album with Craig Leon (The Ramones, Blondie). They toured with such luminaries as The Cranberries and Elastica. Marc Todd In pursuit of truth, we inevitably endure setbacks and shortcomings. Often, being so tested, we are challenged to dig deep into ourselves to realise our full potential. For Marc Todd, such trials and tribulations are what ultimately inspires him to create. With an experiential approach that leans into his observations of human frailties and triumphs, Marc Todd’s brand of Indie Folk is steeped in relatability, honesty, and deeply emotive lyrics. Based in the North West of England, Marc released his debut album via Glasstone Records in 2021 to critical acclaim. #uktour #minitour #stalbans #cambridgemusic #londonmusic #indiemagazines #rocknrollmusic (at England) https://www.instagram.com/p/ChXgK-Zjeyj/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

#uktour #minitour #stalbans #cambridgemusic #londonmusic #indiemagazines #rocknrollmusic

[cucumbers-and-olives]

6 months?

heads up, a lot of people are mentioned multiple times, so to spare them the notifs, i have tagged them once, and then used their names the following times.

also, this is a long post, with a very very brief suicide attempt (failed) mention.

wow. 6 months (1 week and 3 days) ago (but who’s counting lol) i posted I Don’t Feel Sick, Well, Sometimes I Do

days later, I watched Julie and the Phantoms and wrote a fanfic that will never see the light of day.

1 week later, a random headcanon i posted got over a hundred notes.

4 months ago, I posted Off Limits, my first request.

then around Christmas time, I participated in my first fic event- @sonsetcurve’s JATP Holiday 2020 fic event, and it was so crazy and so so much fun.

alright, this is where it gets a bit crazy, people i considered fandom celebs- @n0wornever, @meangirlsx, @issaxcharlie followed me back

i posted enemies to lovers, (part three is coming soon guys, i promise) and each part has upwards of 100 notes

more amazing people followed me, @dream-a-little-bigger-x, @jaskiers-sweetkiss, @calamitykaty, @writerinlearning

as of january 6th, i had 67 followers, 17 amazing mutuals, and a very wonderful birthday.

shoutout to the og 17: issa, missy, @crybabyddl, sam, @bright-molina, @txrii, @blind-their-eyes, erin, @agentsoftie, @controversial-fandom-things, @piratesandswords, katy, @funsizearsonist, @mo-d3ans, @julieandthepodcasters, @softforcal, @merceret

i hit 90 3 weeks later

moment of processing...

i went on a hiatus, as my grades took a nosedive. from jan 25 to feb 17, i worked on irl stuff

so many fics later, and another short break, its now april 18th.

i have 166 (im sorry, what? /ref) followers 

and 38 amazing mutuals

i am so overwhelmed by the love and support i get from all of you. i cant believe im participating in an event like @jatpbigbang, let alone moderating the discord server. 

and all of my friends in the cgc server, i havent been in the server for very long, but you all are so so amazing, and while it can be a tad chaotic at times, it so much fun talking with all of you everyday

wow. i didnt expect this post to be so long, and so sentimental. but thats who i am.

its also been a year since some other things happened, and i won’t go into detail, but i am so happy to be here with all of you. and so so grateful.

one last thing, i promise, and if you’ve read this all the way through, thank you.

id like to just thank Aryn. for sticking by my side through everything. about a year ago, we took a stab at dating, and while it didnt turn out so well, one other breakup on my end, a pandemic and tumblr later, and we are hand in hand again. thank you love /g

so, yet again, thank you thank you to my mutuals, missy, nova, julie, @unholyobsessions, nicole, emy, sam, issa, bianca, everyone in julie and the podcasters, kye, lyra, katy, aryn, nele, ky, tori, erin, mira, kay, @hellophantoms, @nicksreggies, @daringharrington, @frankietheeoctopus, @wrhen, @jatp-flynn, @bexxy, @emeraldrain55, @russsianspy, @fireflyingaway, @bluedarkness, @vicesvsvirtuesfanfic, @lex-the-mess, @williexmercer, @fairylightsandrainydays, @animated-stardust, A, @russianalpacafromoldzealand

i wish that I could give you all paragraphs like I did four months ago, but that would be a very long post, and I would be repeating myself so much. i love you all so so so much (/p), and you are absolutely amazing, even if I don't interact with you as much as id like to. thank you

💛, Ollie/Olive

#cucumber rants? #just a little bit #but a positive one #ollie's 2021 progress #cucumbers-and-olives #tw suicide mention

[elareine]

JayTim Fic Masterlist

(Last Updated: February 7, 2021)

Works in Progress

Secret Witness (34k, ao3) CSI except with ghosts.

A Hope Like You (17k, ao3) A/b/o with single dad Jason and identity porn.

Silver and shadow and vision of things not seen (8k, ao3) WW2 and post-WW2 urban fantasy noir.

Completed

rosy cheeks (i want to kiss) (8k, ao3) A decade’s worth of pining.

Myosotis (9k, ao3) Ancient Greek break-ups and battlefield reunions.

Be brave that we may shine (2k, ao3) Series: And Earth is but a star, that once had shone Space stowaway Tim.

In the Shadows of Gotham (1k, ao3 I tumblr) Buzzfeed Unsolved AU.

Revenant (1k, ao3 I tumblr) Sad ghost headcanon.

Turn yourself toward home (4k, ao3) Retired pirate seeks retired navy officer.

The space between us (8k, ao3) Mr. & Mrs. Smith in space.

Hold me (like you held on to life) (6k, ao3) Vampire sex to spite the parents.

If I know you (4k, ao3) Annoyed witch cares for sleeping prince.

Lifelong learning (5k, ao3) College, but it’s not an AU.

safe with me (14k, ao3) Figuring out intimacy, with a dash of d/s.

Ornamental (2k, ao3) Christmas party butt plug fun.

Far away (1k, ao3 I tumblr) + So close (1k, ao3 I tumblr) Tim’s in space and then he’s not.

Like no other pain (2k, ao3) Soulmates, but Tim makes it angsty.

If I had a type (then baby it would be you) (1k, ao3 I tumblr) One-night stand with surprise bondmark.  

The Sacredness of Tears (13k, ao3) Tim gets the ability to travel through time, but somehow that’s not the main story.

The Reluctant Brides (13k, ao3) Genderbent regency. Bonus Tumblr Drabble One and Two

Adamare (9k, ao3 I tumblr: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7) Harry Potter AU.

What demons they carry (5k, ao3 I tumblr: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14) Outsider POV of demon!Tim.

Shelter (19k, ao3) Royalty arranged marriage.

glaukopis, promachos, atrytone (4k, ao3 I tumblr:  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7) A god and his reincarnated lover.

Not the hurricane (2k, ao3 I tumblr) Soft handjobs.

Night falling softly and without mercy (4k, ao3 I tumblr) When you want to marry your bodyguard but are pretty sure he means to kill you.

Reasons to be jealous (4k, ao3 I tumblr) Unfounded jealousy crack. Side DickDami.

Just a fool for you (6k, ao3 I tumblr) The Regency Daemon Thing. (Part two of ‘foolish, perhabs’)

A fool’s game (1k, ao3 I tumblr) Outsider POV of The Regency Daemon Thing. (Part one of ‘foolish, perhabs’)

A fool to believe (2k, ao3 I tumblr) Epistolary companion to The Regency Daemon Thing. (Part three of ‘foolish, perhabs’)

Blood will tell (9k, ao3) October Daye AU.

So easy to begin (4k, ao3) Dealin’ with fear toxin and trauma, a/b/o-style.

Somebody ring the alarm (2k, ao3) Strangers flirting while undercover.

To love and to honour (6k, ao3) Five anniversaries and a wedding.

A question of trust (3k, ao3) Jason hides an injury.

The Wedding Job (3k, ao3) Leverage-style heist.

One day the slipper fits (2k, ao3) The perils of not-dating.

Tumblr Ficlets

I’m also gradually posting these to ao3.

Everyone wants the Costco cookies

Tim starts talking to an alien 

A first kiss in the moonlight

The frog and the stablehand

College Rivals and Soulmates + Part Two

A regency fic in which the marriage arranges itself

Tim is sick at the office

Two actresses at a premiere, holding hands + Prequel: Two actresses pining

Lending an ear (also with RoyDick) + Bruce and Olli get involved

Soulmarks and lies

“You don’t wanna get involved with me”

Touch-starved Talon Tim

Omega/omega forbidden love

2 a.m. at the flower shop

A visit from the future

I thought fairies are bigger

Are you crying? (Break-up)

Sleepless night better spent in other ways

Too many rumors

Leaving + Following

Tough city, full of tough guys

Terrible at breaking up

Carrying your photograph

Bruce finds out

Distraction at breakfast

Trying to figure you out

Jason wearing glasses

‘Can’t let you go’ kiss + the next morning

Tea with Alfred

A first date

An old married couple, temporarily far apart

“Most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen”

Post-apocalypse decisions (“It’s always been you”)

Awkward flirting

A soulmark that says “Please don’t leave me”

Stop pulling heroic shit without me

Married for the aliens

Unexpected cuddles

Cuddles on a rainy day

Cyborg AU

Hades and Persephone AU

Regency misunderstandings

Crying

Accents and ‘fighting’

Surprise Baby Acquisition

“It’s you I love, not her.”

Letting them warm their cold hands under your shirt

Helping brush their hair after a shower

“I can’t sleep, can I stay here?”

“Who hurt you?” (Jason edition)

“Is this okay?”

“Who hurt you?” (Tim edition)

Strangers at a gala

A black ribbon (Vampire AU)

De-aged cuddles

#jaytim #elareine writes #masterpost

[disappointingyet]

Hytti nro 6 (Compartment No6)

Director Juho Kuosmanen Stars Seidi Haarla, Yuriy Borisov, Dinara Drukarova Finland/Russia 2021 Language Russian, Finnish (English subtitles) 1hr 47mins Colour 

Odd couple take the slow train to the Arctic Circle

Trains, I think, make great settings for films. Trains with compartments, especially: you’ve got privacy and imposed intimacy, which can (and I can testify to this) provide an opportunity for someone to emotionally unburden themself to a stranger. But – unlike on a plane – you’re not completely stuck, there’s the rest of the train to explore, to escape to. And in this film, how the two main characters feel about each other at any given point can be judged by whether they are willing to be in the compartment together or whether they take refuge in the corridor or the dining car or on a frozen station platform.

We’re on the train from Moscow to Murmansk, a journey that takes at least a day and a half. Ljoha (Yuriy Borisov), a young Russian, is travelling up to work in a vast mining complex. His uneasy companion is Laura (Seidi Haarla), a Finnish student in her thirties off to see the Kanozero petroglyphs. The trip isn’t her idea – she was meant to be travelling with her girlfriend Irina (Dinara Drukarova), a pretentious and self-satisfied Russian academic, but when Irina bailed on the plan, Laura stubbornly went ahead with it, and that leaves her alone with a bloke equipped with lots of food and more to drink.

Ljoha is alternately puppyish and stroppy. He tries bad-boy posturing, but that usually crumbles. We don’t get to know that much about him, partly because this is Laura’s story and Laura isn’t a massively curious person. Or maybe in Finland it’s not polite to ask about other people’s lives.

In broad outline, this is a classic travelling movie: two apparently mismatched strangers slowly working out what they both enjoy. It works because it’s told in a patient way that doesn’t require big lurches in their attitude towards each other – their connection progresses convincingly and naturally, with no forced twists.

The film is shot on grainy film (with some camcorder footage), and it feels tangibly cold and uncomfortable and bleary in the train, a contrast with Irina’s smug Moscow flat. This is a film of close close-ups, one mostly told with faces rather than action. 

(I spent a while trying to figure out when it is set: Laura has a cassette Walkman and there are no mobile phones, so I was guessing mid-‘90s, but then it turns out both characters have seen Titanic [and, I learn, the rock drawings weren’t discovered until 1997), so maybe 1999?)

Director Juho Kuosmanen made the very lovely The Happiest Day In The Life Of Olli Mäki, possibly the most warm-hearted art-house film of recent times. Compartment No6 is a moodier creature, although it’s very funny in places, but it’s another terrific, humane piece of filmmaking.

I saw Compartment No6 at the 2021 London Film Festival

#compartment no.6 #finnish films

[thecrownnet]

From the period-specific tunes of “The Crown” to the surprising instrumental reworkings of modern pop hits in “Bridgerton,” this season’s Emmy contenders in music supervision showcase the growing field’s continued influence.

Alexandra Patsavas

“Bridgerton” may give veteran music supervisor Patsavas her best shot yet at an Emmy thanks to her clever use of chamber music-style covers of modern pop songs, which help trace the emotional journey of Daphne and Simon (Phoebe Dynevor and Regé-Jean Page) in Regency-era London.

The Vitamin String Quartet’s renditions of Ariana Grande’s “Thank U, Next,” Maroon 5’s “Girls Like You,” Shawn Mendes’ “In My Blood” and Billie Eilish’s “Bad Guy,” along with Duomo’s cover of Taylor Swift’s “Wildest Dreams,” sent streaming numbers into the stratosphere soon after the Netflix series debuted in December.

According to Patsavas, discussions about “how a period project could be relevant and inviting,” musically speaking , began months before shooting with producer Shonda Rhimes and series creator Chris Van Dusen. Says Patsavas: “How could the source [music] moments be seamless, presented with a wink and yet still feel appropriate to the beautiful costumes and production design? [Listeners] might sense that they knew the song, but it wouldn’t be an immediate recognition. You’d hear the lyrics in your head.”

Another cover was tailor-made by score composer Kris Bowers, playing piano, and cellist Hillary Smith, of Celeste’s “Strange,” for the couple making love for the first time. Not all the music is faux-classical. Many numbers are the real thing: selections by Mozart, Beethoven, Haydn, Vivaldi and Chopin are also heard in the background of “Bridgerton.” Themes in Bowers’ dramatic underscore were inspired by Ravel piano pieces initially suggested by Van Dusen. Patsavas, who is now director, music creative/production for Netflix, is a trailblazer in the music supervision sector, with early credits on “Grey’s Anatomy” and the “Twilight” films. She has three Grammy nominations and eight more from the Guild of Music Supervisors but has never won a major industry honor.

Maggie Phillips

Kansas City in 1950 is the setting for the fourth season of “Fargo,” and that time and place influenced many of music supervisor Phillips’ choices of songs.

As Phillips explains, show creator Noah Hawley sends her (and composer Jeff Russo) his scripts six to eight months prior to shooting. “He writes with music in mind,” she says. “He gives us some initial jumping-off points, me for listening and Jeff for writing.” To wit: Hawley had Duke Ellington’s Jazz standard “Caravan” in mind for the opening of the season’s first episode, which chronicles the history of ethnic businessmen during the first half of the 20th century. Phillips licensed the Ellington tune as the centerpiece, and Russo adapted the music into different period-appropriate arrangements over the first 20 minutes.

Not all the music needed to be specific to that period, though. Jazzman Art Blakey’s “Moanin’” dates from 1959; Willie Dixon’s “Insane Asylum” from 1968; and Johnny Cash’s “What Is Man” from the 1970s. Says Phillips: “It’s important to capture the emotion.

Jeff Richmond

Richmond, composer-songwriter-music supervisor on “Girls5Eva,” is no stranger to coming up with songs in a hurry. “All those years of writing pastiches and jingles and musical numbers on ‘Saturday Night Live,’” he says. “The train is moving, write it quickly, get a demo out.”

The Peacock series imagines a short-lived ’90s girl group plotting a comeback after a rapper samples their one big hit. It fell to Richmond to re-create that decade’s “girl-power ballad” style for the song flashbacks as well as the new tunes to drive their hoped-for resurgence.

Creator Meredith Scardino’s early scripts had “pieces of songs,” and at first, Richmond says, “we didn’t necessarily know if they were going to be full-length.” “Dream Girlfriends” was designed as a big comeback number, but “Space Boys” was a comedy cutaway and “New York Lonely Boy” was a minute-long song playing in the mind of Dawn (Sara Bareilles).

Many were penned by Richmond and Scardino, but as Dawn begins to write her own material in the series, “we knew that the arc of the music should be a little more honest, sound a little more like Sara’s songs would sound.” So she began contributing too, and the finale song, “4 Stars,” is hers alone.

The pandemic complicated the process, as Richmond was writing and producing in his home studio, sending music to arranger-mixer-guitarist Hanan Rubinstein for improvement, the cast was often singing live during shooting (and tweaking the vocals during post-production), and Richmond was adding strings — all recorded remotely — for the final mix of songs and score. “Things got very hectic,” Richmond says.

Sarah Bridge

Season 4 of “The Crown,” which focuses on Princess Diana’s time in Buckingham Palace, featured more songs than in previous years. “It’s a natural progression as we step into the ’80s, but also the introduction of the younger generation of the royal family becoming center stage,” says music supervisor Bridge.

Photo: Ollie Upton/Netflix

The opening and closing of Episode 3, as Diana celebrates, and later regrets, her marriage to Prince Charles, is especially compelling for its use of Stevie Nicks’ “Edge of Seventeen.” At first, Diana is euphoric, and she and her flatmates dance to it in a nightclub. Bridge persuaded Nicks to let the production access her raw vocals, heard a cappella under the end titles.

Says Bridge: “Hearing the power and fragility as well within it, it really reflected where Diana ends up. It felt a perfect end-credits moment, to leave it in a kind of isolated, lonely feeling, reflecting Diana’s emotion and where she is at the end of that episode. Stevie was really happy for us to feature it.” That same episode features Elton John’s “Song for Guy,” as Diana dances herself into a frenzy. Bridges re-recorded “Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” for a scene where Charles and Diana are touring Australia, and gained permission from Andrew Lloyd Webber to re-record “All I Ask of You” from his “Phantom of the Opera” with a 28-piece orchestra for Episode 9, as Diana presents Charles with a tape of her performance of the song.

*Emmys Nominations-round voting begins on June 17, 2021.

#the crown #bridgerton #fargo #girls5eva #music supervisor #emmys 2021

[maddygoesthemiles]

Hike #2 of 2021!

I had such a lovely time on the trail this morning!

I also let Ollie off leash for the first time ever and his recall is getting so good! He was really good about staying on trail, but I’d like to teach him to stay closer to me. It’s a work in progress for sure.

#personal #personal fitblr #i love hiking #Superstition Mountains #hike arizona #opt outside #might try to hike once a week until it gets too hot

[ollyarchive]

Olly Alexander: ‘I want to make the community proud. I don’t know if I've always got it right’

By

David Levesley

As Ritchie Tozer in Russell T Davies’ devastating 1980s-set drama It's A Sin, Olly Alexander told a story from a tragically formative decade in gay history. As himself and as frontman of synthpop trio Years & Years, he contributes to a new narrative. But, as he reveals here, the insecurities and anxieties written into minority identities are not just a personal challenge: they can shape stories told by, for and about all his peers

It is the afternoon before It’s A Sin is broadcast to the nation and its star, 30-year-old musician and actor Olly Alexander, is buying a cat cushion. “It’s for a friend!” he says, mortified to be caught in the act of buying a plush feline.

Where once being the star of a primetime Channel 4 drama might mean greenrooms, watch parties and a celebratory afters, this is January 2021, so a flame-haired Alexander is sitting in his kitchen, drinking a smoothie the exact same lilac as his top.

“I’ve had a lot of restless energy,” he says, having binge-watched The Real Housewives Of New York City in between doing lots of squats and “watching homoerotic YouTube workout videos”. It’s not quite the normal build-up to a game-changing drama, but is there a better way to remember peacetime than watching a show filled with period pieces such as “friends drink indoors” or “strangers have guiltless sex at a house party”? It’s A Sin is both a masterpiece and a reminder that someday we will, once again, be able to be eaten out by hot men. “You’re so welcome,” Alexander says, laughing. “If I can bring anything to the British public, it’s a lesson in anal hygiene.”

Anal hygiene are two words we have probably never published together in GQ, but, more importantly, are probably not the subject of many – if any! – scenes in a piece of media not uploaded to OnlyFans. They are, however, the subject of a crucial scene in the first episode of It’s A Sin, in which Alexander’s character – an 18-year-old fledgling queer from the Isle Of Wight called Ritchie Tozer – gets rimmed by his campus crush, Ash Mukherjee (Nathaniel Curtis). No gay men watching came out of that scene not feeling seen and, like all the other sex scenes in It’s A Sin, it feels deeply realistic and fantastically homosexual.

“I can tell you I’ll never forget being practically butt-naked with my arse in the air in front of colleagues,” says Alexander, laughing. But by that point, he says, he had done so many sex scenes that it felt somewhat rote. “‘Ritchie’s got a dirty bum! Stick that arse in the air and look disappointed!’” What was interesting, he says, was the dynamic of trying to produce the most authentically gay experiences possible on camera.

‘WE UNDERSTOOD THESE CHARACTERS WITH A KIND OF SHORTHAND THAT GAY PEOPLE UNDERSTAND’

They were working with Ita O’Brien – a movement director and arguably the OG intimacy coordinator – but, for her sins, not a gay man. So while everyone would have an input in how a sex scene would be best shot, “There came a point when they would say, ‘Please tell us, because we’re not gay men.’” So then the writer, the performers, the director and O’Brien’s team would come to a consensus on how to make a threesome look like three men shagging, yet also make it look the best it could on camera and make sure “you never touch each other’s genitals, basically”.

Alexander says O’Brien’s input was a “lifesaver” for him on set. Although by the end he felt comfortable, he was at first intimidated by just how exposing this would be. “I had a bit of a hysterical breakdown. I was really worried I couldn’t do it. I just didn’t feel safe.” This was interesting to hear from Alexander, the proudly queer frontman of the band Years & Years, who “spent four years on the road performing and finding this character that I do feel sexy in”. It was then that O’Brien and the team asked him to bring whatever made him feel comfortable on stage into the room before the cameras rolled. “So I would sing before the takes, be a little bit of Olly on stage,” he says, laughing. “That was my way of tricking my brain and thinking it was a character. Which, of course, it was.”

Before he was Olly Alexander, consummate gamine artiste, Olly Alexander Thornton was a singled-out kid at a primary school in Gloucestershire (where his mother ran a music festival). He was, like many other gay kids growing up, bullied and harassed for being something “other”, which everyone is able to see long before you can define it yourself. “I remember being in primary school and I had long hair and people would call me a girl,” he says, and the wound still feels raw when he recounts it.

“I knew that was bad for boys. I didn’t like the things that other boys liked: I just wanted to play with the girls and watch Disney movies. Which obviously straight boys do as well,” he mentions, always making sure to provide caveats to include all facets of the human experience. Although the bullying began to subside by secondary school in Monmouthshire, he still stood out: he had big curly hair – “I was trying to hide my ears” – and would wear make-up or a choker sometimes on nonuniform days. “I think I was trying to figure out who I was,” he says. “Imagine getting to discover your own sexuality without any preconceived ideas! I mean, maybe that’s impossible. But it would be nice, right? Why should people bullying you be your first brush with your own sexuality?”

Like Ritchie Tozer, Alexander moved to London at 18 to pursue acting, but he also had designs on becoming a musician. “Because when you’re writing a song, you’re the director, the star, the producer, the writer. I wanted all of that! I needed that to be able to express myself,” he proclaims with faux hysteria. For years he found success as an actor in a diverse selection of roles: he appeared in Gaspar Noé’s Enter The Void, costarred with seemingly every other white British actor in The Riot Club and also in God Help The Girl, a musical film written by Belle And Sebastian’s Stuart Murdoch. “Then Years & Years just got to a place where it was going to take over and needed my full time,” Alexander says. So his focus moved to the music.

‘IMAGINE DISCOVERING YOUR SEXUALITY WITHOUT ANY PRECONCEIVED IDEAS!’

It was on their third single, “Real” – released in 2014 – that Alexander first felt his art and his sexuality really intermingle. “It was the first time I put in a male pronoun – I say ‘Do it, boy’ – and it’s quite subtle, but it was a big deal for me at the time.” This was when Years & Years were trying to get signed to a major label, so doing something so consciously queer felt like a risk (the band went on to sign with Polydor later that year).

While pop music has long had an element of queerness about it – you need only look at the artists featured in It’s A Sin to see how gay 1980s pop was – Alexander has long been frank that sexuality and success are not always seen as natural bedfellows. At a Stonewall event in 2018 he recounted being told during his media training, “Maybe it’s better not to say anything about your sexuality at all.” In the same year, he told NME there had been progress, but that “I just know there are people who are hiding their sexuality, so it’s still not gone completely”.

Alexander doubled down on it with the music video – featuring his Bright Star costar Ben Whishaw – where he “purposefully made it gay. There’s a cruising element to the very beginning. It’s slightly ambiguous, though, because back then I wasn’t quite ready to launch into being the gay crusader I think I am now.” In 2015 the band won the BBC’s Sound Of 2015 poll, releasing their first album, Communion, the same year. It became 2015’s fastest-selling debut album from a UK-signed band.

‘I JUST WATCHED LIAM PAYNE TAKE HIS TOP OFF, BUT NOW I’M NOT ALLOWED TO?’

But despite the success, and the realisation that audiences were either supportive of – or simply unfazed by – the queerness of Years & Years’ music, there is always an anxiety for Alexander about just how accepting people are willing to be. “I’ll tell you for real,” says Alexander, “I go out on stage – even if it’s for our own audience – and I’m like, ‘What if some of them don’t like me? What if some of them have an issue with me today?’ I always feel like I’m going to try a bit harder next time, try to do a bit more.”

While the character of “Olly Alexander, Years & Years frontman” is one that bespangles its performer with confidence, being queer in the music industry isn’t always an easy thing to navigate. He remembers seeing a tweet from someone who said Alexander’s sexuality was a ruse to try to attract the pink pound – a term for the spending power of gay men – “And it had an impact on me, because I’ve consciously tried to [be openly gay] in a lot of circumstances where I wouldn’t normally. And then for someone...” He tries to think of how to put it and comes up short. “It can chip away at you.”

He wouldn’t change a thing about his success, he says, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t times when it isn’t hard to be out and proud while also getting your foot in the door. “When we’re playing a pop music festival, I’m looking at the other acts in the lineup and there aren’t that many gay people on them,” he says. “You see how quickly your show isn’t family friendly any more because I want to take my top off and I’m like, ‘Well, I just watched Jason Derulo and Liam Payne take their tops off and have all these women in underwear, but now I’m not allowed?’ What do you do with that?”

It’s A Sin marks a return to acting but, also, a chance to refresh Alexander’s musical batteries too. Following Years & Years’ second album – 2018’s Palo Santo – the third album was proving hard to pin down. “I’ve been trying to make this album for about 18 months at this point, stopping and starting, listening to all the songs and... it’s just not feeling relevant any more.” Alexander had always loved Russell T Davies’ work, so when he heard Davies was making a new TV show he “had to be in it. I would just jump at the chance to work with him. And that was before I read the script.” Years & Years had just finished touring Palo Santo and, to Alexander, it felt like the stars had aligned.

While the anxiety of performing queer sex scenes might have been particularly exposing for a gay man like Alexander, there were huge benefits for him being in a cast and crew that were predominantly LGBTQ+. “It was a revelation. I’ve never been on a set with so many queer people. I’ve never even worked with a gay director, so it was a completely new experience.” Plus, being asked to play part of a group of gay best friends, portrayed predominantly by gay actors, meant the chemistry came very quickly: “We understood these characters [with a] kind of shorthand that gay people understand.”

An inclusive, comfortable environment was beneficial for more than just sex scenes and simulating a decade of friendship. It’s A Sin also required its cast to grapple with the issue of HIV and aids, not just as a part of the furniture – as we do in the 21st century, with our knowledge of viral loads, sleeping with undetectable partners and new medications such as Prep – but really putting a forgotten part of British queer history under the lens, who it affected and how it changed the LGBTQ+ community irrevocably. “It’s an issue that is deeply surrounded by stigma and there’s a lot of trauma there and a lot of fear,” Alexander explains. “I know, personally, it was an area that I was scared to really engage with.”

He mentions that just before filming he made friends with an older gay couple at his gym and in talking about the show with them he was offered a rare opportunity to hear about personal experiences of the aids crisis. “It can be so difficult as a gay person to feel like you have intergenerational support,” says Alexander. “Elders are so important in our community. You can get so much from the people who have gone through so much before and fought that fight.”

For Alexander and the cast, It’s A Sin was a rare opportunity: a chance to be brought together with a whole group of men and women who were there at the time and who were willing to share their experiences with them. “I feel so lucky that I got to engage with that and keep learning. I was just scratching the surface and there are so many stories you can tell from this period. It’s impacted us all the way until now and it will in the future.”

Starring in It’s A Sin has also changed what Years & Years’ third album is going to sound like. After the initial writer’s block, Alexander says, he focused instead on the music of the show (Bronski Beat, Kelly Marie, the titular song by Pet Shop Boys) “and it really took my mind back to the club” – especially in the midst of a pandemic, when the queer nightlife venues that are the backbone of our community are so desperately missed.

“All the music I wanted to listen to in lockdown was high energy. It was dance floor. It was club music.” This was the music that had played such a huge role in his early life in London, had inspired the first Years & Years album and a genre that owes a great debt to the LGBTQ+ community. “I think at their heart, lots of these songs are about joy despite crushing pain. I just thought, ‘God, imagine hearing “I Feel Love” on the dance floor for the first time.’ What a transcendent experience that would be.”

‘ELDERS ARE SO IMPORTANT IN OUR COMMUNITY. YOU CAN GET SO MUCH FROM THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE FOUGHT THAT FIGHT’

And so Alexander went into the studio – as soon as it was safe to do so – and created a bunch of new songs. Is it easy to find collaborators behind the scenes who get it when he says, “I want it to feel like Britney meets Rihanna meets Hot Chip via New Order”?

“It can be a challenge to find someone that really understands,” admits Alexander. He recalled being sent round the songwriters and producers in Los Angeles that all artists are sent round at a certain point, “And some of those people are amazing – some amazing queer people as well – but predominantly... You know, they’re straight, so it can be quite challenging.”

Feeling safe with his collaborators hasn’t been an easy journey, but now he’s in a good place for it. He also pointed out that it’s not just queers who can understand his vision: his bandmates are straight, he points out – “I really believe in working with straight people! Some of my best friends are straight!” – and his frequent collaborator, the producer Mark Ralph, “is a real ally to us gays”, who was always willing to vibe along to Paris Hilton singles with him.

A new sound – a queerer sound – isn’t just a risk in a world where Alexander’s performances are held to double standards and the linchpins of queer culture can still be seen as synonymous with perversion. The impossible standards queer work is held to don’t just come from the straight world: gay men can be terrible recipients of work designed for them too.

Russell T Davies has dealt with it his entire career: “There’s the problem of lack of representation, but there’s the problem that when you are represented, it’s just not seen,” he explained when I spoke to him recently. “You just learn to cope. I worry about it. I probably worry about it more than I say here, but at the end of the day it’s never stopped me writing the next thing.” But he gets it because he, too, is a gay man who consumes art and he sees the same biases coming out when he watches other queer-centric work.

Yet he was amazed that artists younger than him are still dealing with the same crises: “It’s what comes with being a minority. It’s what comes of oppression and you kind of expect this to pass. But then you talk to young people like Olly, who’s a different generation from me, and you find them thinking the same things,” Davies said. “I was lucky to have my training during an age when you’d be lucky to get one review in the Times. Now you live in a world of reviewers.”

When I ask Alexander if he worries how gay men will respond to a gay artist’s work, it is no easier for him to respond than it was for Davies. “Oh, God, you’re making my heart race now,” he says, breathless. “I should be careful, because I don’t want to demonise anybody. But I tried to really unpack this myself and... I’ll just sort of say it.” It is clear that this is intense for him: his eyes are looking watery as he tries to phrase it delicately.

“I have this – I think irrational – anxiety about gay men tearing me down. And I tried to interrogate that within myself and I think it’s complicated, because a lot of it has to do with internalised phobias and shame, about how I see myself versus how other people see me.” He begins to cry. “What I do know is that I want them to not hate me. And I want to make the community proud. It’s been at the heart of pretty much every decision I’ve ever made. And I don’t know if I’ve always got it right.”

‘I HAVE THIS – I THINK IRRATIONAL – ANXIETY ABOUT GAY MEN TEARING ME DOWN’

It’s tough being an actor asked to shed light and humanity on a complex phase in British LGBTQ+ history; it’s just as tough to be a gay man trying to make pop music that speaks to the queer experience. But Alexander is doing both and, what’s more, he’s being unapologetically queer in the public eye. There aren’t many LGBTQ+ people in the position Alexander is in and it must be exhausting, I suggest, to be expected to speak for the needs and fears of an entire spectrum of sexual and gender identities. After all, he’s just one man who wants to be proud of who he is. “Sometimes, when I feel the most anxious, I have a voice in my head that goes, ‘Oh, Olly, why on earth did you put yourself in this position? You really are not the strong person people think you are.’” But, he says, he is learning he can’t speak for everyone, even if people expect it of him.

Instead, he’s focusing on being proud of what he’s done – the visibility, the audacity, the bravery – rather than the critique of his anxieties or Twitter trolls. “I’m always thinking about me as a teenager and how I’m creating the person I wanted to be in the world. I’m actually doing it! Holy fuck!”

#olly alexander #years & years #yearsandyears #years and years #gq #interviews #fashion #magazines #acting #its a sin #boys #articles #queer #lgbtq #lgbtq+ #issues #aids #hiv #music

[welcometomy20s]

March 31, 2021

.Hololive Quarterly Report

I was trying to write this, then it became painfully too long, so I stopped and I’m going to try a much abbreviated version. I don’t why I’m writing this preamble.

Usada Constructions - Buy

CEO Pekora has come back from the creative crisis in late January, her response to the Akukin relay, Pekoland has been quite the success, and Pekora has hired three new people and taken two into actual production, and there has been talks of two more recruitments. Usada constructions has been the premier revenue maker in the server already and with renewed vigor, Pekora has inadvertently cornered the service industry, with her business associate Moon, making the HoloID mall, and hiring Botan or Menya Botan and Kiara of KFP in the process, and thinking hiring Watame, which has a food delivery service.

Future is looking bright for UsaKen and one should buy the stocks now.

Akukin Constructions - Sell

Akukin has a bright start with the recent hiring spree then the wildly successful AKukin Building Relay... and boasting 25% of the workforce in their wake. But CEO has been hampered with failure of her personal projects, first with her loss in the Mario Kart tournament, and then her failure to get the elusive solo Master in Apex. Perhaps, buoyed by her failure, she’ll return to Minecraft, but for now... there has been minor outing of the employers.

Both Mio and Marine went on Minecraft once after the relay, Marine to push Kanata to make her noteblock machines, and Mio in basically upkeep. Rest of the players have been quiet or have been associated with other people. Roboco have played once of twice, although she didn’t even participated in the relay. Choco has been mostly working as a broker for Flare, who is a contractor for Akukin. Lamy and Nene has been basically doing their own thing, mostly since they haven’t had anything else to do... and that’s it, I believe. Iofi, Mel, and Akirose never returned to Minecraft after the relay.

Well, Shion returned after four months with Rushia as the guide... but seriously, Akukin is all but over unless there is a serious reorganization. Sell them!

Shirauni-Elite Conglomerate - Buy

This is outside of current consensus, but it makes for me because it fits the current state of things. Miko and Flare first found their calling by basically gaslighting Kanata into operating a school. They have sense collaborated many times, Flare being part of the four heavenly kings and expanding their partnership in the urban environment, more specifically in Los Santos.

Flare’s turn in Minecraft basically leads me to reassess Flare’s strengths. Flare was kind of the straight man of the 3rd Gen, but she has shown that she could be as wild and unpredictable as the rest of the Hololive Fantasy. Flare eventually roped Polka into an apprenticeship, and Polka’s ability to pop into the most unexpected direction really helped with Flare’s stream as well.

Flare is having the time of her life, and her lover Noel has finally turn the tide on her devastating decline due to the great ASMR purge in early 2020, by embracing the English duolingo... finally passing up people, after falling so far.

Yeah, you should buy here. Although Miko’s recent pause is little worrisome...

Oozora Constructions - Hold

Subaru has been doing a lot of work... her biggest strength has been her free talks, she is a great storyteller, but that’s obviously hampered by language, which is why Subaru made the difficult move of having English summary in her topics, which is a great improvement for her... but her collabs have been on fire, and I mean Oozora Police was just amazing, with good timing as well.

Apparently Subaru has a new costumes, collabs, and original songs coming up in the next quarter, so Subaru is going to surpass already high expectation made during this quarter. As for her company though... well, Subaru has been a... lone duck in the situation. (Sorry for the pun)

Famously outcasted as Kanata and Marine were chatting up with Moona and Reine, Subaru has been lonely for quite sometime. Subaru has been working an actual commission from Korone, although Korone is most inconsiderate Hololive member (as evidenced by two consecutive Kuukiyomi tests), which is a bad sign. Rushia has been working well, both independently and with Subaru... now Luna... that’s the cinch of the situation at this moment.

I’ll talk about Luna later, but overall Oozora has its strength and weakness perfectly balanced. It’s a hold for me, although it can be a buy quickly...

Haachama Constructions - Buy

Haachama started off kind of lost. She recently moved back to Japan, and she didn’t really knew what direction to go off on... apparently a horror unfiction was her choice. It is a great unfiction, in all its spirit, the meta-component worked perfectly, the improvisational and interactivity was unparalleled, it is astounding that this a one-woman production, since even a dedicated team might not pull off this feat, taking images made minutes before the stream is due and incorporating them into the story flawlessly.

Akai Haato always impressed me, but this arc showcased that to everyone. And her future seems to be bright as she starts working on Season 2. Just buy!

OkaKoro Constructions - Hold

Both Okayu and Korone has been steady in their output, minimal collabs and continuing their series of old games. Korone has been particularly clever in her selection of games. Everyone playing Undertale, why not play the game that inspired the whole thing, Earthbound? People are playing Dragon Quest? Well, how about a classic version, Dragon Quest 3, instead of 11S?

But other than that, there wasn’t much going on... then the OkaKore anniversary concert happened, and I realized they still have so much progress. One commenter said how Bloom was a failure because there wasn’t any idols in that list, namely Watame, Okayu and Korone, and I started to agree.

But that’s just one performance, we don’t know if this would be foundation for something better. So let’s hold on the papers for now.

Kureiji Constructions - Hold

There’s always a bit of anxiety when one is lauded as the next new star, least to me, I was always anxious about Ollie’s growth. She could be great, she has plenty of talent, she’s a massive simp and a social collaborator, but her personality can turn on a dime if not careful. Fortunately, Ollie made good on herself, having one of the more explosive growth and becomes generally accepted as a peer, recently doing a large Mario Kart collab.

It’s still a hold, since I have residual anxiety, but this is a good stable company.

Seiso Pillars - Buy

I never really got the appeal on Sora, until she put on her glasses on. Her movement was so fluid and practiced, you can tell she’s a young lady with ambition, which is contrary to the goddess image. Azki has been making the move that Suisei did in end of 2019, slowly putting herself in the comedic spirit of rest of Hololive, and her Vtuber showcase is freaking phenomenal.

Suisei has been flirting with the pillar in Minecraft, and bring the third of HoloKazo(?) in Los Santos, letting her psychopathic side fully. Suisei used her arbitrary demonitization to her advantage, reinvigorating her streams immensely. I thought about holding, but honestly this is a buy. They are going to get better.

Shirakami Forestry - Hold

Fubuki wanted to finish her cherry tree by spring. Well, that didn’t happen. But Fubuki has been doing okay. Fubuki has made some radical moves this year, firmly associating with Coco. Remember that Fubuki’s explosive growth was due to Chinese fans, and this is true of Aqua as well (which is why Aqua has been more distant lately), so to associate with one of the most hated Vtubers by the ‘West Taiwanese’ is a risk, but one made with the knowledge that her base can be shifted, since this did not impact her growth at all.

So Fubuki is going to be Fubuki, no matter who she associates with. Hold.

Free Agents - ???

Matsuri might be the most valuable free agent, but she’s kind of like a public official, helping to keep stock on the commons, and helping Luna as well. This is why Luna is the kingmaker. Luna has connections with both Subaru and Matsuri, but their connection is either loose or non-associative. She can be convinced, but she could easily refuse... and who knows how that would affect Pekora.

Most people thought Matsuri was going to join UsaKen, and that might still be the case, although Pekora is notoriously uncomfortable of senpais.

Risu is next valued player. After her explosion in the 4th quarter, Risu has been struggling to keep afloat, although Risu seems to be fine with her laggard growth. Her impromptu Nier;Automata streams are always a delight, and her Spring soundboard has been fun as well. Risu also returned to Minecraft for a bit, so she might be on the hunt... she would be a great addition to UsaKen.

Ayame is the third player. Ayame has been inconsistent this quarter, mostly since she streams the least amount out of anyone. Her recent collab with Marine was something though, although that’s going to be paused for a bit.

Anya is the last person, just because she doesn’t have Minecraft and she is the least subscribed member. I think it was surprising how Anya’s stream has been. Instead of doing gatcha and perhaps talking stream, her game selections has been far off the beaten path, more so than Korone and Okayu, and she has been blazing (that’s another pun) her own trail much to her detriment.

I mean she’s fine in the grand scope of things, still very interesting move.

Okay, that was the short version, and even then it’s really long so... yeah.

#hololive #vtuber #youtube

[amberjade-rhodes]

Rhodez | | Bowling

WHEN: 18 April 2021

LOCATION: Bowling alley

NB: Now that AJ and Bryce have talked about their recent argument and essentially made up, Bryce decides to take AJ out on a date so that they can get over any lingering awkwardness between them. NB: this chatzy is a work in progress so will be updated as we go!

After the two had made up, AJ had essentially left the ball in Bryce's court. She had felt a little embarrassed after her grand gesture and although it had essentially allowed the two to talk through their argument and get back on track, she still felt a little raw and vulnerable. Thankfully, she didn't have to wait long until Bryce reached out to her and the two made plans to hang out on Sunday night. Not fully sure about what they were doing, AJ dressed in a pair of jeans that Bryce had always liked on her and a simple blue shirt that she had stolen from Violet's wardrobe before meeting Bryce outside of the beach house. "Hey you", AJ said with a small smile when he arrived, quickly getting into his truck.

Bryce could sense the awkwardness that laid between him and his girlfriend, and he wasn’t sure how he felt about it exactly. He wasn’t used to this, being in a committed relationship in which it wasn’t so easy for him to just run off and forget that anything happened. The man knew he had to buckle down and deal with this head first, which is why he finally reached out to Amber-Jade to make plans. Bryce decided that the best option for them right now would be to go out in public, where the chance of either one making a fool of themself was almost limited to none. That, and something that was comfortable and required little to no effort was probably what was best for them as a couple. He scrolled through his phone and answered a few texts as he waited for her to come outside, his head snapping up when he heard the passenger side door open. “Hey.” He greeted, his small smile matching her own. Leaning over, he placed his lips against hers, giving her a soft and quick hello kiss. “Ready to go?”

This was her first romantic relationship and she didn't know /how/ to fix the awkwardness between them and revert things back to their normal state -- all she knew is that she really wanted to try. Bryce meant a hell of a lot to her and she didn't want their relationship to end, especially not when he was in a place where he needed people around him more than ever, even if he wasn't able to admit that just yet. Her smile became a little more genuine when he leaned over and kissed her quickly, the woman having been a little touch starved as their physical relationship had essentially dried up overnight. "Ready! Do I get to know where we're going?" she asked curiously as she bucked up her seatbelt.

Bryce had been dealing with his own demons, and unfortunately the people he was closest to the most had felt the wrath that was Bryce Cortez spiraling. The last thing he wanted was for anyone to be caught in the middle; if he was being quite frank, he didn't expect anyone to find out at all. But due to recent events, the man found it was best to just put aside his own mental health; out of sight, out of mind. "Uh, yeah - we're going bowling." He said with a small smile as he backed out of the driveway. "Ryan and I went for her birthday, and I had forgotten how much I missed doing normal things like that." He added, his eyes remaining fixated on the road as he began driving. "Besides, I think being out in public will be good for us...for obvious reasons."

"Really? I've never been bowling before!" AJ said excitedly. "I got invited to a birthday party at a bowling alley when I was a kid but my parents said that I couldn't go at the last minute. I'm fairly sure that we didn't have the money for a present and apparently it was selfish to show up empty handed", she explained. "No judging me if I'm completely terrible, okay? I don't know if I'll be anywhere near as good as you and Ryan when it comes to bowling", she laughed. The sound quickly faded when he said that he had picked a public location for "obvious reasons", suddenly realising that her boyfriend didn't want to be alone with her. "Right, of course. It should be fun though", she said, trying to continue her same level of enthusiasm despite that realisation. She leaned forward and turned on the radio, quietly singing along with whatever song came on; once again deflecting rather than owning how she was feeling.

"Wait, really?" Bryce asked, his voice showing his shock as he listened to her explain the reasoning immediately after. "I used to go all the time with my siblings when we were in our pre-teens and early teenage years. My parents were always busy traveling back and forth between Connecticut and New York so that was kind of how we entertained ourselves. Before Allison got crazy with school and I got crazy with the partying and substance abuse." He babbled, reminiscing on the distant memory with his siblings. A fond smile appeared on his face at the mention of the memory though, and he made a mental note to give Allison and his brothers a call soon. "No judgment here, we all have to start somewhere. I'll make sure the bumpers are up for you though." The man said with a warm smile, looking over at his girlfriend and giving her a playful wink before focusing his attention back on the road. Bryce silently cursed at himself when he realized what he had just said, and how it sounded much worse than he had intended it to. "That's not what I meant." He quickly spoke out, thinking that would serve him better than just dropping the subject entirely. Leaning forward, he turned the radio back off so the two wouldn't get distracted. "It's just - things are awkward between us right now. It's like we're strangers right now. And it's not that I don't want to be alone with you, I just - you just make me nervous right now." He didn't want the two to just simply push things off by having sex, or better yet the two getting into yet another argument where he allows the drugs to speak for him.

"Yes, really! I never went to laser tag either, or any of those parties at McDonalds", AJ admitted. "That's actually really sweet. It's nice that you have a memory like that with your siblings. From the stories that you and Ollie have both told me, I always picture your teenage years as complete chaos so it's kind of adorable that you used to go bowling all the time", she teased, grinning at him. "Apparently kids can also get a ramp when they're learning how to bowl to help guide their ball. Think I'm too old for one of those?" she jokingly questioned. She looked at him in surprise when he quickly clarified that he hadn't meant it like that and turned off the radio so that they could talk about it. "I'm sorry, I think a lot of that awkwardness is coming from me", she admitted, nervously rubbing at the back of her neck. "I just don't know how to navigate this, you know? This is my first relationship and it means a hell of a lot to me because I love you, which means that I'm pretty fucking terrified about it all imploding. That argument was intense and so was the conversation in your room, although in different ways; and I guess I'm still feeling a little embarrassed about how vulnerable I was around you. I... I also spent several days fairly sure that we were over and that was /horrible/ so I think it's safe to say that you make me nervous too. I really want us to be... well, /us/ again but I don't really know how to get there and I'm a little terrified that you may have finally realised that you can do better".

"God, I love laser tag. It gives you an adrenaline rush like no other. I hated the McDonalds parties, though. There was something about sweaty kids running around in a hot ass room that smelled like cheese that just really didn't sit well with six year old Bryce." He scrunched his nose in disgust after saying the last part of his statement. "Well, it was complete chaos, especially after I met Jessica freshman year of high school. Still though - I don't talk much about them, but my siblings really are the people that got me through. Kind of like you and Oliver." He admitted sheepishly. "Oh, you are so getting the dinosaur ramp. I don't need you hurting yourself out there." He laughed. The laughter quickly ceased as Bryce listened to Amber-Jade speak. He allowed her the time that she needed to express her feelings about the situation, saving his sigh for after she was done. "If there's anyone who can do better here, it's you." He spoke in a quiet, gentle tone. "I know you might think that you're the fucked up one out of us two because I might come off as this wholesome guy, but that's because you actually talked about your shit with me. I haven't really told you much because I don't talk, at all. In fact, I /hate/ talking. I've always been the one that avoids talking about serious shit by having sex, or doing drugs, or just simply turning the tables on someone." He began, quickly sighing as he suddenly heard his fathers voice in his head. "'No hables de lo que pasa en esta casa' that means do not talk about what happens in this house, and it's what my father used to tell us every single day. So, I've become accustomed to the lifestyle of keeping my skeletons well hidden. I don't talk about my dad. I don't talk about Jessica or the accident. I don't talk about the drug usage in high school or even now. I don't talk about the military sexual trauma, or the hazing, or the bombing. I simply just don't talk. Trust me when I say that if there's anyone that can do better right now, it's you. I'm not in an okay place right now, but I'm never in an okay place. That's just me, and I'm sorry you got caught in the crossfire."

"Something tells me that you'd be /very/ competitive when it comes to laser tag, like you'd probably shoot me repeatedly to get your score up even if we were on the same team", AJ laughed. "It sounds like I didn't miss out on the McDonalds parties, though". When they were in the same group home, Ollie had often saved whatever coins he could get his hands on so that the two of them could split a Happy Meal between them, which definitely seemed like a sweeter memory than what Bryce had just described. "My high school years were chaos too so no judgement. I didn't even finish high school the first time around, I only got my GED a couple of years ago. Still, I'm glad that you had your siblings to get you through". There was a small but genuine smile on her face when he mentioned that she and Ollie were now instrumental in getting him through. "It's dinosaur themed?! That's literally the cutest! I don't even care that I'm a grown adult using the kiddie ramp now", she laughed. Just like Bryce gave her the space to talk it out, she gave him the same courtesy. "I know that you hate talking and as someone who has been through a lot of trauma, I would never push you to talk about something before you were ready. The things that I told you... I haven't exactly shared those things with many people in my life and it wasn't easy to open up to you so please don't think that I'm angry or upset that you can't talk about things easily. I get that better than most. I guess I just wanted to say that even though you don't like discussing your feelings, you /have/ told me about most of those things. You've shared with me whatever you can and I just wanted you to know that I do appreciate that", she said softly. "I know that you aren't in an okay place right now but if you let me, I'd like to be here for you. I... I understand if it's not the right time for that, though. I mean, it will definitely hurt but if you need a friend instead of a girlfriend right now... I can do that".

"I will say that I hold the title of being undefeated very proudly, thank you." Bryce stated, laughing along with the other immediately after. "Hey, at least you got it done. There are some people that leave and just never look back." He praised. He had come very close to dropping out of school after the car accident and him almost failing every single class, so he understood just how hard it was. "I didn't know I was suddenly dating a five year old. I feel so dirty now." He joked lightly, gagging dramatically after. The laughter ceased once more as the two began to heavily discuss the topic. This had been different than when she randomly appeared at the apartment. The two were now both coherent and actually talking about things like adults, and not just speaking out of emotion of two intoxicated beings. "That's the problem though, Amber-Jade. I know you're not going to pressure me, and I appreciate that, but that's what lead us here. Not you, me I mean. I let things build up and I lost control, and in the process I could lose everything because of it. And what's fucked up is that I would be lying to both of us if I said I wasn't thinking about getting high this very moment. All because I'm conditioned to not talk. So don't ever think that it's you, because it's not. This is all me." He spoke quietly. Bryce found himself hesitating for a few moments as he contemplated his next words. Besides talking, her hated showing vulnerability. He had learned to be anything but vulnerable from both his father and the military, so all of this was fairly new to him. Sighing, he finally spoke, "I know...and you have been there for me. Being in your arms the other week was the safest I ever felt in my entire life. You are one of the only things right now that makes this life have just an ounce of being worthy of living." He admitted, the tone of his voice tinted with sadness and defeat. His grip on the steering wheel grew tighter as he began growing more and more anxious. "...Do you want to break up?" He asked cautiously.

"Proudly enough that you'd repeatedly shoot your girlfriend when she first tries the game just so that you can keep your title", AJ laughed. "Thank you, I appreciate the fact that you see it that way. I was embarrassed about dropping out of high school for a long time, I've always hated the fact that I've been a cliché or stereotype in so many areas of my life", she admitted. "Why did you have to go there?!" she jokingly complained, playfully swatting at his arm as he jokingly gagged. "I get your point. I never want to push because I know that I've always hated it when other people do that to me but I can see that not talking about things does cause everything to spiral out of control. Do you think there's a way for us to find a balance here or way for us to communicate better?" she asked, curious to see if he had any solutions here. "I'm worried about you but as someone who has only been completely sober on a handful of occasions since I was 15 or 16, I understand that feeling. I don't have any magical solutions here, I just want to be there for you the way that you've been there for me". When he made it clear that he didn't want to break up, she could see his grip on the steering wheel tighten and she could tell that he was getting more and more anxious. "Pull over", she said softly, not wanting him to drive whilst worked up. As soon as he had safely pulled over to the side of the road, she unbuckled her seatbelt and with some manoeuvring, she climbed onto his lap; not in a sexual way but so that she could hold him tightly so that he felt safe again. "I definitely don't want to break up. I'm head over heels in love with you, Bryce. I'm in, I'm fully committed, for as long as you'll have me".

“Nobody’s safe when it comes to that, not even you.” Bryce replied back with another laugh. “It’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Shit happens. I nearly got held back my senior year because of everything going on. I’m pretty sure the military is the only reason I didn’t decide to just drop out and take the GED exam. You got it done, that’s what matters at the end of the day.” He said in encouragement. The man nearly bursted out into laughter as the other swatted at his arm, finding their small moment to be quite amusing. “Hey, I’m driving here!” He dramatically exclaimed. “I don’t know...the only thing I will say though is that if you have questions or concerns about anything, just come to me. I’d like to think we’re close enough that you wouldn’t really feel as scared to speak to me about certain things.” He suggested. Mainly his statement came from a good place; Bryce knew that Amber-Jade got in her head a lot of the time, and he just wanted to remind her that although things were messy, he was her friend and confidant above everything else. In that moment, Bryce could feel the frog in his throat as it quickly became hard to speak more about the matter. He really could only hope and pray to a god that he may or may not have believed in that the two would make it; that he wouldn’t destroy her, and vice versa. His brows furrowed at her request for him to pull over, but he quickly obliged. It felt like his heart dropped down to his stomach as he put the vehicle in park, and he mentally began preparing himself for the girl to tell him that this really was the end, that they were done. “Amber, I—“ Were the only words that he could mutter out before she climbed onto his lap and immediately held onto him. Bryce could feel the muscles in his jaw, neck, and back relax almost immediately after she spoke. He just nodded, wrapping his arms around her tiny waist and held onto her tightly. His breathing slowed down along with his heart rate as he continued to lose himself further and further into her gentle touch. “I love you...you know that, right?” He finally questioned, his voice barely audible as he whispered the words.

"I thought that sleeping with the laser tag champion would give me some perks but clearly I'm wrong", AJ laughed. "I didn't know that about you", she admitted, surprised that the two shared yet another similarity. "I think most of my embarrassment stems from the fact that I'm at such a prestigious university and it feels like another reason why I don't quite fit", she explained, knowing that Bryce would understand what she was trying to say. "You should have thought about that before making the joke!" she retorted. She nodded her head, agreeing to his suggestion. "I can do that. I've never been scared to talk to you about anything, I've just been worried about potentially upsetting you further". Talking about past trauma was a delicate thing because you always ran the risk of retraumatising the other person; which is why she sometimes hesitated before asking Bryce about things. She knew that pulling over the car just so that she could hold him wasn't exactly a common thing that people did in relationships but honestly, she didn't care about convention. She just cared about him and what worked for the two of them. AJ knew that she had made the right decision as she could slowly feel him relax as she embraced him, her boyfriend quickly wrapping his arms around her waist and hugging her back just as tightly. "I do and I fully believe it too", she whispered, pressing a gentle kiss against the side of his head. She was basically saying that there was no doubt in her mind that Bryce loved her, despite the recent issues within their relationship.

“You might just have to settle for the orgasms and food.” Bryce laughed once more. “It’s not really something I mention in casual conversation. That was a dark year in my life...and I was never really good at school.” The last part of his statement came out as a subtle joke, turning towards her and giving her a small smile. “I get it. But you’re here because you deserve to be here. Having a GED and not having much money doesn’t make you inferior to anyone here. Because at the end of the day it’s going to be your drive, ambition, and passion that really sets you ahead. All of us rich brats can fall at any time and we wouldn’t really know how to get back up because we’ve always been protected one way or another. You know how to hustle to get what you want and need, and that’s not a talent many of us have. So yeah, you don’t fit, but in the best way possible. In my eyes that gives you the one up compared to everyone else.” Bryce spoke in an encouraging tone. He knew where she had been coming from, but he actually admired her for how hard she worked to get herself to the place she was at now. Honestly, it was one of the many things that made him fall for her. “Don’t worry about that. Trust me, I’m honest enough to admit when I don’t want to talk about something. I just don’t want you to get in your head is all...by the way, I don’t care about your drug use.” He mentioned, giving her a sheepish smile at the end of his statement. He had spent a good amount of time with Ollie for the other man to tell him about the anonymous messages. “I mean obviously I care, but I’m no saint so I can’t judge. Just be careful.” He added quickly. Bryce simply nodded as she assured that she knew the extent of his feelings for her, the sound of those words putting him even more at ease. Still holding onto her for a few more moments, he gently rubbed her back as he pulled away. He brought a hand up to her face, gently caressing her face as he pressed a small kiss onto her lips.

"I might need more food and orgasms to make up for the betrayal", AJ quickly retorted. "I'm really glad that you managed to finish high school, otherwise I wouldn't be lucky enough to know you now", she said sweetly, genuinely meaning it. Despite recent events, she really couldn't imagine her life without Bryce now. "That really means a lot to me. You... well, you're the first person that I've allowed to see the real me in a long, long time. The good things and the bad. The fact that you still see me like that... I can't even describe how much that means to me". She had spent so much time thinking that she was unlovable, yet the person who knew her the best saw so much good in her and thought she was worthy of his love, time and attention. It made her wonder if she did see herself inaccurately. "If I do ask and you don't want to talk about it, please know that you can say that and I won't push any further. I never want it to trigger an argument". She looked at him with wide eyes when he commented about her drug use, automatically assuming that Ollie had decided to talk to her boyfriend about it. "I can't believe that he told you. I... I said that I wasn't ready to have that conversation. I obviously know that you were aware that I use but I think you assumed that it was only a sometimes thing and it was wrong of me not to correct that assumption. I, uh... it's rare that I get through a whole day without using /something/ because it's the only thing that keeps some of the shitty memories and feelings at bay. I want you to know that I'll never use around you, though, and I'll do whatever I can to support you in terms of your own use", she rambled, more than a little nervous once again. "You be careful too, please. I'm not kidding, Bryce. You can't be the next person that I lose, okay? I don't think I'd come back from that", she said softly, sighing as he rubbed her back before pulling away, pressing a gentle kiss against her lips as he did so. "Sorry, I didn't mean to derail your bowling plans. I should probably get off your lap now".

“Are the orgasms I’ve given you not enough?” Bryce asked in a joking like manner. “And I can say the same. Looks like everything really does happen for a reason.” His lips turned into a small smile at her comment, finding it sweet that she actually felt lucky enough to know him. Reaching over, he took her hand into his and brought it up to his lips, pressing a light kiss onto her soft skin. “I’ve never seen you any other way. You don’t give yourself nearly as much credit as you deserve.” He responded in a soft, gentle tone. Bryce simply nodded at her request. It wasn’t a hard request to follow, after all. “Ollie’s just worried, is all. And he has every right to be. It’s very easy to go down a really bad path with drugs, even when you think you might have everything under control. I will admit it doesn’t really sit well with me that you’re dependent on them, but I’m really in no shape to judge right now. At the end of the day it’s your life, and you’re going to do whatever it is you feel is right.” He said with a shrug of the shoulders. “I’m not kidding either, Amber-Jade. You scared the shit out of me after the whole being drugged situation. I’ll be fine, I know that. If I’m being honest, I’m more terrified of the possibility of us dragging each other down.” He admitted. The man was already in a vulnerable state, so it didn’t hurt to just mention one more thing. Nodding as she apologized, he easily allowed the girl to maneuver her way off his lap and back into the passengers seat. “No need to apologize. The bowling alley will still be there no matter what time we get there.”

"Hmm... it's been a while so I'm not sure", AJ responded, the grin on her face making it clear that she was just joking around. "You're a pretty damn good reason, Bryce Cortez", she said softly as he lifted her hand and gently kissed it. "I know, it's something that I really need to work on. I definitely don't see myself in the same way that you or Ollie see me", she easily admitted. She sighed softly as he spoke, a little frustrated that Ollie had spoken to Bryce when she said that she didn't want to have that conversation yet but understanding why her best friend would have done that. She was quiet for a few moments after he had finished talking, wordlessly considering what he had said and collecting her own thoughts before speaking again. "It started in NYC because everything was just too much. I hated the nightmares and the intrusive thoughts about my parents. I hated the fact that there was a whole section of the city that I had to avoid because of all the memories that it stirred up. I was always so hypervigilant, so angry, so on edge. My sleep was terrible and I felt guilty all the time, for not doing enough to save her; for being angry at her; for being the one that survived. I think all of those things started right after she died but for a while, I was able to mask it when I was in the group home. It's kind of like Ollie was the band aid slapped over the bullet wound, you know? I know that it wasn't healthy but he was literally the only person that I had left so when the state moved him away, I was all alone. Everything just spiralled from there, really. My life in NYC was awful and lonely. I was doing things that I didn't want to do just so that I could survive. The only "friends" I had were women from the homeless shelters but those weren't really genuine friendships. I started using just to numb everything and so that I seemed normal because I wouldn't have made any money as a sex worker if I had been my actual self. It just kept going from there and here I am, all these years later, still reliant", she murmured, explaining the story to Bryce as best she could. "Here though... well, I have people that I love and love me. People that make things feel a little easier, a little better. People that are worried about me. People that I don't want to lose. I meant what I said the other night in your apartment, Bryce. You don't need to give me an answer now but if you ever want to get sober, I would do it with you. Not /for/ you or because I feel like it's something I have to do to "save" you but because the life I have here... it makes me think that maybe it's okay to not be numb forever". It would be hard, she knew that; but she certainly didn't want to risk losing the people that made her life bearable because of her self-destructive tendencies. After she had finished talking, she climbed back into the passengers seat, making sure to press a parting kiss against the corner of Bryce's mouth before she moved. "Right, bowling! Bring on the dinosaur ramp".

Bryce simply just chuckled at her first few comments, not really sure how to reply to that as he knew it had been a while since the two were intimate. “It’s easy not to. We’re our own biggest critics.” He said simply with a shrug of the shoulders. Bryce stared straight ahead as she spoke, not wanting to make her any more uncomfortable by maintaining eye contact. A part of him felt guilty for even bringing up the subject. Despite him not liking her drug use much, he understood why she did it, and yet he found her story a bit too hard to hear. He couldn’t bear the fact to hear someone he loves struggle so much, and yet she went through years of it. More importantly, he understood what it felt like to be lonely considering he had been lonely for years, and still was. “You don’t have to explain yourself to me. Trust me, I get it and even though I haven’t been through exactly everything you have, I also have my own trauma that I have to deal with on a daily basis. I am sorry that happened to you, though. I really am. Like I said, I’m in no position to judge right now since I’m on hard shit right now.” He replied back in a mere whisper, unsure of what else to say. He wasn’t in any position to offer advice, considering he was currently still going through his own inner crisis. Bryce simply nodded once more as she continued, restating the offer she had proposed to him only a week ago. Her words made him the slightest bit emotional, but also brought up those feelings of sadness and loneliness that he was facing. He didn’t really have much here now that his sister was gone; most of the people he would go to during times like this were had moved away from Monarch, and now he felt like he had little to no one. “It makes me really happy that you have those people in your life, but I can’t really say the same for me right now. You have the reason to get sober, I don’t. Some days I don’t even know why I’m still here.” He admitted honestly. “I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but don’t let me stop you from getting sober. I’ll keep that part of my life away from you, but don’t wait for me because you will be waiting a long time.” He stated simply, not wanting to discourage her, but also not wanting her to get her hopes up. He needed his support system, people like his siblings, in order to even fathom the thought of getting sober. Bryce gave her a shy smile as she pressed a small kiss onto the corner of his lips, nodding at her statement before turning the car back on. Putting the vehicle in drive, he made his way back onto the road and proceeded to head towards their destination.

"We really are", AJ easily agreed. "I wasn't explaining myself so that you felt sorry for me or anything like that. I just... so many people have been commenting on my drug use without really understanding where any of it stems from. I don't owe them explanations about anything but I do want you to understand. You deserve that much", she said softly, explaining why she had chosen to share the full story with Bryce. She hadn't expected Bryce to say anything about her offer, knowing that he would need time to think about it, yet she certainly wasn't prepared for his next words. AJ understood that he was trying to be honest with her but it was hard to hear that her boyfriend felt like he didn't have those people in his life; and that he didn't even know why he was still on campus. For AJ, Bryce was one of those people. If anything, he was the main person in her life; the main person that made her believe that she able to have a fresh chance at life. It did hurt to hear that he didn't necessarily feel the same way and it definitely triggered her attachment and rejection issues to hear that he wasn't even sure why he was still on campus. "Right, well... we'll just keep things separate. That seems to be the only way forward", she said quietly; turning to look out the window. She just really didn't understand Bryce sometimes. He knew her better than anyone else in the world and they had finally talked things through, yet he had just as quickly caused further damage. It was like he didn't even think before talking sometimes, didn't give any regard to how his words would affect her. "Just know that even if we are keeping it all separate, I'm still your person, okay? You can call me if things ever get too much and I'll come to you, no questions asked".

“I just don’t think people want to see you go down that path. I can’t blame them.” Bryce said in a soft tone, his eyes remaining fixated on the road. “But thank you. For telling me, I mean. I’m here to support you in any way that I can.” He reminded once more. The man simply nodded at her response to his minor rant. He suddenly got the feeling that his honest suddenly brought them five steps backwards, but couldn’t fathom the thought of explaining himself further. He just couldn’t bring himself to talk about it any longer. “Yeah, uh — separate.” He repeated back with a small nod. It was probably better that way, even if it wasn’t. “Okay, thank you. The same for you...if things get to be too much.” He stated back, the voice of his voice soft, yet somewhat distant. He didn’t want to make things any more awkward than they had already become. That conversation ended just as he was pulling into the parking lot of the bowling alley, grabbing the closest parking spot to the door before shutting the vehicle off. “Well on a brighter note, we’re finally here.” He chuckled as he stated the obvious. “Do you still want to do this? If you’re not up for it now I can drive you home.”

 "I know that they're saying things because they're worried about me. I know that you worry about me too. I guess I'm still getting used to the fact that I have people around me that care about me, that want the best for me. It's still new to me", AJ acknowledged. "Thank you for listening. I want you to know me, to really know me, even when it's hard to talk about", she explained. She smiled softly and just nodded when he confirmed that he was her person too. "I'm up to it", she confirmed as he parked the car; the woman quickly getting out of the car and waiting for Bryce to join her. Before he could start walking into the bowling alley, she lightly grabbed his arm to get him to stop. "Before we go in... as much as it hurts to hear it, thank you for being honest with me about the fact that you don't feel tethered to this place like I do. All I want, more than anything, is for you to be happy. If you need to leave campus to find that... it'll break my heart but I won't stand in your way, not if it's the right thing for you to do. Please just tell me so that I can say goodbye, please don't disappear on me", she said quietly. "I also just wanted to say that even though you don't feel like you have people here, that support system... I'm right here and whenever you're ready, I want to be that person for you". AJ had interpreted his speech in the car as evidence that she wasn't enough, that she was disposable, but rather than burying her head in the sand and ignoring it until it festered; she decided to be open about it and discuss how she felt. Bryce deserved that much. "Now that I've embarrassed myself by saying all of that, let's go and bowl so that I can embarrass myself more!"

#chatzy #ch: bowling #c: bryce #work in progress