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killed-by-cas-confession · 3 years

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me waxing on about my loss of spn

Its so weird Because I’ve never been on tumblr during the heights of this show, like, ever. This is the first time i’m exploring tumblr and reblogging and liking things and posting my own thoughts and talking to people who just get the madness of fandom and its just so wholesome. My journey with SPN varies. I see it varies alot with others too. There are the OGs who were here the entire time, never stopped watching, the ones who just returned on announcement and the following hysteria of the confession, the ones who picked up somewhere in between. I was super into SPN after being sick and trying to do homework in middle school and catching an episode. It was “Bloody Mary”, and it was the perfect episode to rope me in. I remember it playing in the background and going “wtf, is a horror movie on?” and i look up and I see Dean. I remember the exact scene i saw. Dean changed me too. Just like he did Cas. So I fell in love. I was at a hard place in my life with family trauma that as a 14 year old, I couldn’t handle. A lot of gaslighting, emotional abuse, a lot of depression. A lot of giving up. I ended up fixating on these boys because what else was I to do? I figured it could help me escape.

Then I -binged seasons 1 through 8 -watched 9 as it aired -lost interest before season 10 aired, as life changed and got heavy -came back and caught up during season 11 -stopped again because of life crap -and then finally, when they announced the end of the show, i dove headfirst back in

And you know what? it was always, always like coming home.

Can the show be cliché or cringy sometimes? Sure, every piece of media can be. But its also enduring. It’s about always keep fighting, its about family that doesn't end in blood, its about finding another way, its about hope. like i could gush about supernatural and its effect on me from middle school to my college years now, how the Winchesters, and that includes Jack and Cas and Mary too, became family, influenced the type of person i feel i turned into its just home to me and its been that for so long, its so weird to think I'm saying goodbye. But to, I suppose, sound cliché myself this time, I think I’m coming to terms with being thankful that it happened, that i was a part of it, to be thankful I'm in this hellsite with people just like me, and I’m contributing to the metas and the specs and gifsets, interacting with people who get it for the first time in these fifteen years that its been airing, for the first time in the seven years that I’ve been in this fandom but never truly a part of what makes it so great, and that’s the community itself. I get to be thankful that it was so meaningful to me but now its time to let it go. And its sad but it just goes to show that it meant so much to me and to so many others. And now it lives on in us, in all we do, and create.

#destiel #dean winchester #sam winchester #supernatural

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oursensoryworld · 5 years

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The Introduction

Hello Tumblr

My name is Jessica

I am 32 also a single mum with a beautiful 4 year old son. Ok so just a warning my grammar is horrible so please be kind. lol I always wanted to write a blog but never had the confidence to do so. Except for today.. When I thought to myself stuff it!! Maybe someone wants to listen to me talk crap, or is going through simular things. Needless to say I need an outlet. OK!

For the point of this introduction, I will start with when my son was 9 months old, and what happened after that.

We all lived in a beautiful little beach town. It was truly paradise! I would ride my bike to work some days, and think to myself how did I get so lucky.

Now you are probably thinking why would you leave then?

I moved back to my parents house after getting home from work one night, and my sons father was drunk again. When I got home He was hostile and dangerous. I tried to kick him out to sober up, but he told me that it was his house and I had not right.

I couldn't take one more second. Called my dad to get my car and I was on the first flight out with my son.

At first It was a welcome move. I was so happy to have the support that I needed. I had been working 40 hours per week plus the house and baby care. My son would wake at least 7 times per night.

Oh dear lord it was horrible. Did I mention the constant crying unless he was being held!

sounds like most babies right? that's what I thought, just normal motherhood not to worry. Just suck it up I would tell myself.

Through the heartbreak of leaving my sons father, I slowly picked up the pieces of my heart, and tried to glue it back together. Many nights of wine, and crying were had by me. its kind of funny now when I look back on it.

At the time though WOW!! What a mess I was.

Little did I know the other struggles, that I would soon be faced with, would test me much more than a little break up ever could.

Still took me 3 years to move on from loving my sons dad though.

So here I am ready to begin again. I found a lovely family day care for my son to attend while I went out to look for work. Everything seemed fine for awhile, just normal motherhood dramas.

My son was 22months when I got the first phone call, that he has been hitting his head against the wall and the floor. Just banging it!

I was told by his day care teacher that she was worried, as she had never seen a child do this before in all her years of caring for children. So my first reaction was have I done something wrong?

Could it be a reaction to my stress causing my son to react this way? All the blaming myself thoughts came flooding in. I had no idea why he was doing this.

Not to mention, that for some time he wasn't making eye contact, or responding to his name being called.

This wasn't my biggest concern at the time, as he was only little. In my mind, I thought he is just a late bloomer.

As my first and only child, I didn't have any thing to compare it to.

I thought he will just grow out of it, or it would just go away.

I took him to Many Drs for their opinions. Most said the same thing. “could be an ear infection, or sinus problem so don't worry too much”

His day care teacher, and my mother sat me down and said “we think he has Autism” My first response “What he is only 22 months old! how can you know that he has autism when he is so young. I didn't believe them, or want to. So I ignored it and continued on.

My son celebrated his first birthday, it was a happy day. it was 40 degrees that day, but we were prepared. There were 3 kids pools, and plenty of shaded areas.

This is when I noticed little difference's in my sons behaviour and other children, of same age, or even younger. For instance the eye contact. The way they would look engaged with their parent. The way they played with other children, and not alone.

Its really had to describe, and probably a poor choice of word but, a maturity difference is the way I would describe it.

As he grew, he became very violent towards me, and other children. Always biting, hitting and throwing toys across the room was a daily occurrence. It became difficult for him to stay in family day care, for the safety of the other children.

It was insane, I tried to talk to him, I took advice from what felt like a million people. Drs, parents, helplines, support groups you name it, I tried it.

I would say to my friends, How could a child that gets so much love be so aggressive? I was googling one day as you do, and I came across a well known clinic that specialises in children with Autism.

I took him to the Dr again! This time feeling confused and hopeless. =( At home I would cop at least 50 punches, and several bites all over my body everyday. So it was go time!!

I got the referral, and we went to the Clinic.My son walked in and was on his best behaviour of course. lol

She sat and played some games with him, the whole process went for about an hour. She then sat down and talked to me.

The first thing she said, still to this day sticks in my mind. She said “when I first met your son, he seemed to be fine for his age. As the games went on, I noticed lots of things that are very concerning”

She then explained to me what her findings were. Have you ever noticed that when you are playing a game with him, when he runs into a bit of trouble, he will pull your hand to grab what he needs. Without words and no eye contact.

I replied sure. All the time.

She then told me many more things, that I will go into detail in other writings. I was speechless..

Now I love my son the way he is, and have nothing against Autism. At the time though I was uneducated, and when the words fell from her lips,

“ I believe your son has a significant Autism”

My jaw hit the floor. I asked her what does that mean for him? then said, I thought that was normal. I thought a lot of the things he did were perfectly normal.

I use the word “normal” as just a word, not an indication that I think my son or any person on the spectrum isn't normal. Just thought I would put that out there, in case your reading this thinking (bitch please! who are you calling not normal) lol

The feeling of not knowing what to do when you have just received that in her clinical opinion, and feeling so alone.

I got to the car and just cried. The main thought that ran through my head, was just worries for my darling son. Worrying will life be hard for him. What do I even do with this information. Who do I call for help? should I call for help? I racked my brain trying to figure out the answer.

I just felt like I was sort of going in circles.

One of the major turning points for me was.

I was at the Drs one day, and my son had a massive meltdown. He bit my shoulder so hard he drew blood. The pain was so intense, it startled me so much that I dropped him. I still feel so bad about that!

I don't know what came over me. I started whaling and crying so much, in front of everyone. I curled myself up in the foetal position right in the middle of the surgery floor. As my son just walked around the surgery like nothing had happened.

Now when I think of that tragically embarrassing moment, I just laugh.

The receptionist came over to me, she was this little old lady. She wrapped her arms around me.

She gave me the biggest hug, and said “its ok darling, your doing a wonderful job”

That day I got the referral to my local hospital, to see the top childhood Dr

I was very relieved. I would get some answers! For a second opinion, and this lady is apparently the top Dr

We arrived at our local hospital. Now as you may have guessed, or have experience with.

My son is not one for public places and sitting still, he can usually sit still for a total of zero seconds. So when making an appointment its helpful if the Dr is running on time.

This was not the case! she was running 2 hours late!!

I kept asking when is it our turn? I chased my son around the hospital at least 6 times. We got asked to wait in an outside locked space because he was screaming so loudly. it was a nightmare!! My anxiety was through the Roof..

The looks I got from other patients, Its like I could hear their thoughts as the glared at me with their judging eyes and cats bum faces.

All I could hear was, cant control your child, or what a little shit or such bad mother!

You name it! I heard it.. Without anyone of them saying a word. You know the expression a look can say a thousand words, or something like that.

We finally!!!!! got called in, at this point he was over tired and so was I.

The Dr was an older woman with short blond hair. She spoke with an almost regal tone to he voice.

I thought this woman will have the answer for sure. She asked me a series of questions, and examined my son. I was truthfully scared to answer some of the questions, in fear of more judgment.

In hindsight as a mother, we tend to blame ourselves for the silliest things.

I have later learnt its called mothers guilt. Its a bastard of a thing. Anyway getting back to the Dr visit.

Sorry about that little tangent, I do that.

She said to me have you ever heard of a disorder called ODD? I replied No.. What is ODD? She said it is an acronym for something called Oppositional Defiance Disorder.

WHATTTT!!!!!! Now I was angry! I said to her, I came here for help! Not for you to give my son a made up diagnoses.

I then asked her, so how do I fix this ODD? She said there is no cure. What do you mean there is no cure?

She suggested to a program called the PPP Parenting course. That will give you coping strategies, you can learn as a parent, thus in turn help you to control your boys ODD. um NO!

If it was that easy why the hell do you think I'm here!!

Do Drs like you get off on this just giving a child that doesn't quite fit a made up label? Or telling parents that they need to do a parenting program! in order to fix a Neurological disorder. WTF... lol

I practically ran out the door, I couldn't believe the absolute BS I had just been fed. I was driving home shaking my head thinking the nerve of this woman.

I will say this again, its so funny looking back on all of this, its the kind of funny that you laugh and then cringe.

I got home, got my son out of the car, as he is pulling my hair out of my head. =(

So far I have your son has sever autism, and some made up Disorder. well at the time I thought that (speaking in past tense)

So what did I do? I will tell you.

I did what any normal parent does, ask Dr Google =)

Slowly typing in the search bar (What is ODD?) As my finger presses down on the enter button, I am then bombarded with Youtube vids and pages and pages of ODD info.

At this moment I'm like WOW, ODD is really a thing. I feel dumb now. Awkward for me, But holy shit this doesn't look fun. No offence but ODD sucks! I mean that with much love to parents out there. Its in short , everything you say your child fights you. They are violent and just exactly what its called.

I could keep talking and writing for days, but I will wrap it up now with a to be continued!

If you read this and this and this is where you are at in this moment.

I want you to know you are not alone. I wont lie, the road is a long and tough one. if no one has told you your doing a good job. YOU ARE DOING A GOOD JOB. XX Part 2 will come shortly, let me know what you think? be kind lol

Take care. From J

#autism #sensorydisorders #ODD #singlemums #parentswithkidsonthespecturm #lifescurveballs #mystory #sensorykids

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a-halfblood-named-coin · 4 years

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With Korra coming to Netflix, there’s been this whole WAVE of “no more korra hate!” And I’m gonna be honest here, I do, I do hate the legend of korra. Not because it’s more sexual or because Korras a headstrong women but I feel like they tried to be so different from ATLA, more mature and realistic that it lost a lot of the charm. It has other charms but I just don’t like them as much. So to prove I don’t hate the show without reason here are 3 things I liked in concept that they handled poorly in my opinion.

1. Korra herself

Having a headstrong, egotistical, women waterbender with lots of muscles and bravado was AN AMAZING choice to constrast from Aangs pacifist, peaceful and calmer mindset. I loved that part of Korra. But my problem is in her character development, or how I don’t think the writers remember what development means, development =\= pain porn. A lot of Korras ‘development’ was her getting beat to a pulp, having her bending removed, being wheelchair bound, etc. and by the end of the show she becomes more wary and scared of everything around her. Instead of what I personally wanted, which was for her to be underestimating the effort and work it takes to be a good avatar, get knocked down a few pegs by Tenzin or someone and come back stronger and more grounded. Still cocky but now she has the power AND understanding to back up her claims. I never wanted her to lose her ego entirely, or to fall so far she never comes back the same. Speaking of avatar stuff...

2. The removal of an avatars journey

This one is hard, because I understand why they did this but also removing it took a lot away from what made avatar so good. I think they removed the journey as to not just repeat the structure of the OG show, they didn’t want to seem like it was just Ctrl+ v with a new lead. But a big part of ATLA’s charm came from the world building , expescially since it drew so much from different parts of Asia and other groups, making a fantasy world with that backing and exploring it was SO cool. In Korra most of the show is set in Republic city, they leave a couple times to visit the various bending nations but they always go back to that damn city. I don’t hate the idea of modernizing bending, I wouldn’t place a show there but the thoughts are cool. Stuff like electric benders being 9-5 workers is funny and pro bending is an interesting thought but I think the overall setting is...tired. I have read/seen so many pieces of media set in either 1920s America or INSPIRED by 1920s America it isn’t even funny. It was an aesthetic time that’s for sure but I have seen it before and I’ll see it another million times. I don’t know why they would take a fairly unique setting and make a mainstream, Americanized version of it that is arguably more boring and less compelling. But this point is supposed to be about the avatar journey I hear you say and yourre right. The lack of a journey adds to the boredom, in ATLA they could continually have new locations and new people to keep the interest of that episode because they were almost always on the move. In Korra everything comes back to republic city, I got bored of looking at those city streets after the first season! Plus I think Korra as a character could have really benefited from a journey of her own, less focused on bending and more on connecting with the people she’s supposed to protect. In my dream version of this show, Korra gets knocked down but tenzin or smth and as a last ditch effort he sends her on a shorter version of the avatars journey to help her connect with the people and the spiritual realm. She could bring her merry band of idiots (except you bolin) and they could bond over their travels, learn about each other and actually have some meaningful conversations outside the parameters of the weird love thing they all have going on. We could see an updated but familiar world space, run into some familiar places and get into plenty of trouble and Korra could really bond with her people. Learn that understanding and listening are important skills for the avatar to have just as much as bending all four elements. It could all culminate in a trip to an air temple, she could speak her piece in a cool but honest rant about herself and her life and maybe as she leaves the wind could pick up and it would just...click. She would get her air bending in a hopefully more satisfying way than what was shown in the show,speaking of...

3.Changing up the bending/AS . Listen the way the treat bending in Korra is so fucking weird. 1st of all I cannot come up with any reason why a 5 year old Korra would be able to bend 3/4 elements. The thing about bending is that it is a lot harder than some of the characters make it seem (because they are all using their skills at an extremely high level) part of bending is innate skill, that’s true but you would be awful at it if you only relied on instinct. Take Katara from season 1 of ATLA, she can bend of course but it’s shaky and poorly balanced, she can’t do it for long and can barely move any water. This is because she has never been properly taught, once she gets some teaching she becomes one of the best waterbenders in existence, it took training to get her there. So I could buy (kind of) baby Korra bending them innatly when she is found by the white lotus, but a 5 year old who has only ever interacted with water benders should be bending all the elements as if they were water. Bending is all very different, each form is based on a different form of martial arts. The styles are different and require different points of concentration and movements to execute properly. Our little tyke is seemingly doing actually fire/earth moves...now where the hell did she learn those?? Anyway continuing into probably my biggest gripe with Korra is the treatment of Air bending. I like the fact that it is emphasized how much of air bending is about spirituality, more so than other bending forms. I like the struggle there for Korra. But I feel like she never actually listens to Tenzin, never admits he is right and takes on his teachings properly. She ignores his advice and fucks of during training (which is very Korra behavior) but there is never a point when she has to listen to him. She gets all her bending taken in another form of pain porn and when she gets it back, instead of having her realize how much her bending means to her and finally fucking listening to Tenzin and learning air bending the real way, she just goes into the avatar state (which is the least satisfying version of that display) and just...has airbending. And now for my last point, wtf was up with the avatar state?? In ATLA the AS was a dangerous state to be in for Aang and everyone around him, it caused him to lose control, kick ass yes, but lose his sense of self and him struggling with those complicated feelings about his biggest trump card was amazing. Korra however uses hers to beat children in racing games...I am not joking. They toned down its abilities so that Korra could use it more often but not beat the crap out of everyone... you could have just not had her use it for stupid reasons and kept it a power level at 3000?? Like why? Why does the fucking avatar need to have weakened avatar state so she can use it more often, should she be powerful enough on her own?? Maybe it could be harder for her to activate (because Korra does seem like the type to use it too often) maybe she has to talk to her past lives to figure out why she’s having such a hard time using it and it’s revealed that Aang in specific locked it away because she couldn’t be trusted. It could be a whole thing!! But no she just uses for stupid shit and never learns...

So that’s the end of my rant, 3 things I could get behind in theory that, in my opinion, they handled pretty horribly. If you like Korra, that’s great! Tbh I’m kinda jealous, I wish I could enjoy it more because I love ATLA it was a huge part of my childhood and I’d love to have more of that world. I have so many other feelings on Korra if anyone cares. Like the romance fucking with the show, the half assed rep, explaining the magic, side characters being wet paper towels with 1 character trait or Bolin being highkey romantically abused and no one caring but that’s for a different extremely long tumblr post.

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