#primlypersonal

[primlyperfect]

i'm thoroughly fucking convinced that if I just looked like allison harvard all of my problems would go away

#tw ed stuff #tw depression #tw mania #ugh #like literally what the fuck #allison harvard #primlypersonal

[primlyperfect]

my bf just made a new work friend and it's stressing me tf out that I have no idea what she looks like and I know it's because I have nothing to compare myself to

#ed #tw ed things #not pr0 anything #primlypersonal #tw ppd

[primlyperfect]

so shits getting weiiiiiirrrrddddd

I'm positive for covid and staying home but everything kinda feels like it's falling apart and I should chill tf out but I can't

So I'm going down hill again <:-) back on my bullshit <:-) let's have some fucking fun <:-)

#primlypersonal

[primlyperfect]

I’m literally sick to my stomach this shit hurts so bad.

I gained 9 pounds. Am I surprised? Well, yes and no.

I’ve eaten so much biscoff/candy/whatever I’ve wanted over the past couple weeks that it really should be more. I was 157 last month and now I’m sitting at 166.2. It’s debilitating. I’ve wanted to be in the 150s since 2012 and this is how I repay myself? Lose that as soon as I reach it? I feel like such a rotten human being.

Now I sit with my apple cinnamon oatmeal packet, warmed and with oat milk, accompanied by a nice heaping cup of coffee and a splash of vanilla cinnamon creamer, and I’m thinking to myself, ‘There’s just no way that I’ll see to that number again. It’s gone.’

Today, I’m making somewhat of a game plan for myself, and if everything goes according to plan, I should be like 164-165 tomorrow.

Under 300 for breakfast (already did this at 260).

Under 300 for dinner.

Get moving, I think I’m gonna go buy weights today, probably 12-pound weights. My running shoes are clean and ready to go, and I have some workout clothes I found in the back of my closet so I can go on a little jog today if it isn’t over 100 degrees. Otherwise, jogging in place, in my room, should be better than nothing.

God I want to rip the skin off of my neck. It feels too puffy.

Anyways, I have a phone interview in about an hour and after that I think I’m going out and shopping. I’m also thinking of doing a tarot spread this morning.

Ttfn

#primlypersonal #tw ed mention #tw eating things #i want to be skiny #tw ed content #tw ed stuff #tw ed talk #ednos

[primlyperfect]

I’m not sure if anyone will read this because I will never be using hashtags. However, if you’re here, that is very comforting and hello. I used to be the blog “daintyveins” and was deleted at 10k for the content I was posting before the Tumblr purge. This will be my own person accountability and a place where I can spill my brain, since I hate writing in a journal and have spiraled out of control. There will be posts of varying topics centered around disordered eating, bipolar disorder, anxiety, and body dysmorphia. I know I am seriously messed up and I do not and would never wish what’s wrong with me upon anyone. That being said, if you so decide to report my blog, please reach out to me or simply block my Tumblr account. That would be much preferred. Currently I am in a transition period, a phoenix moment, if you will. I feel my body changing and not for the good. This blog will help keep myself on the path to success and serve as the shoulder I do not have to weep on. There may be poems, pictures of meals, conversations, and content meant to trigger myself.  Again, if any of this sounds like a slippery slope or you are not an adult, please block my account and please do not join in or follow my footsteps. I wish you a wonderful night. L.

#primlypersonal

[primlyperfect]

---.--

I was scared to weigh myself because I had Taco Bell last night

but I'm hoping tomorrow will be 158 even so I can cross that goal weight off and plan for 148.

time is crawling

#primlypersonal

[primlyperfect]

It has been an extremely, extremely tumultuous week. Maybe even the worst day that I’ve had since I was a child. I know I’m not imagining it--I FEEL my fat, I feel it cramping the crooks of my inner elbows, encasing my face and neck until I can’t breathe. With each passing day that goes by, every “body check” from 2,000 fucking 18 with zero change after the devastation, I feel myself getting lost in the lipid cells and sadness. I’m not joking, I’m going to kill myself in 4 weeks if I don’t lose a good amount of weight again.

I can do it. So why aren’t I? That’s a great question! Here’s the deal: I am a pathetic, fucking fat as fuck, loser! Someone who eats two microwave meals because I’m broke and can’t go to 7-11 for a candy bar, a soda, a baked good, a bag of chips, a bag of nuts, and y’know if I’m feeling ballsey like most days, a whole pint of ice cream. Oh, you’re stocking up for snacks for the week? You dirty disgusting pig. Haha it’s funny you say that, because I will literally eat everything on this list tonight and then do the same shit tomorrow. There’s no stopping me. It’s not even that I’ve spent thousands of dollars on delivery apps for fast food, snack, junk--when I have the money I don’t give a damn how much I’m spending (impulsivity? WOW I’m BPD in the making), it’s that I worked and cried and slaved away for weeks, months, almost a year to lose the all that weight in 2018, and I looked GOOD. Why didn’t I think so before I gained 20 pounds? Why didn’t I appreciate it? Why didn’t I KEEP WANTING MORE, when I look back and think I looked fucking spectacular?

This is such a cold-hearted disease that absolutely destroys you. As I type this with sausage fingers, wanting to make yet another microwave meal, I say there will be no more of this. I will be the skinny bitch I’ve always wanted to be. I’ll wear the cute “occult themed” joggers, the posh as fuck cocktail dresses, and a confidence made of fucking titanium.

There is no more of who I was, that person is gone. I can never get her back, and I need to accept that. I can only move forward, and that is percisely what I am doing.

Tomorrow’s list: -Weigh self in the morning when I wake up -Look up weight loss spells used in my religion -Execute one -Post on Tumblr -Post EVERYTHING ingested onto the “Ate” app. This includes water, creamer, gum, breath mints, and teeth whitener. We aren’t fucking around anymore. -Take a bath and purify my fucking filthy body and mind.  -Read the Witch’s Almanac.

This has been a hard day, a hard couple months, a soul-crushing quarantine, but I will be better. I will control my urges to eat. I will be thin.

#primlypersonal