#probably be the worst week of my life like actually | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tragedygf · 6 months

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school is getting serious again

#i really have to start putting in the workkkkk omg im not making it out alive #and i need to start going to bed early and i need what im studying to actually enter my brain like next year. bacalaureat and it will #probably be the worst week of my life like actually #and i have to take that stupid english exam and oh my goddddd

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literaturebf · 8 months

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it's literally fine and normal if i decide to not come out publicly/at school . me when my brain is constantly creating problems for me for no fucking reason

#i was gonna start going by julian at school/to my teachers but i just dont want to . and i DONT HAVE TO!#ill come out to my friends soon . hopefully. but being out & trans at school is like kind of. the worst #i know the people in my grade and school and its just not worth it its gonna ruin my senior year #especially if im comfortable where i am and who i am #i can handle one more year. it is not that deeep #julian.txt #LITERALLY why am i insane about any kind of decision i have to make in my life #the imposter syndrome is impostering. have managed to convince myslef in the past week that im not actually trans #which. well.#this should probably go in my journal but its more fun like this x

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seamgreen · 12 days

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fresh out the slammer personal thoughts in tags

#okay well. as someone who was kind of floundering and thought grad school was like my only REAL path forward and then fell in love #immediately after i applied to school and ended up getting accepted and having to move away and spend some of the worst months of my life #finding out grad school is actually NOT the end all be all and i was much happier before and understand now why they lost their minds and #fought the wars bc i will (and have) move(d) mountains for her because she is my favorite person and we’re doing the work and #now i’m abt to leave school in 3 weeks to move home and see her for the first time since january……#fresh out the slammer making me bawl like a fucking BABY #i think all the time about something sarah marshall said during ywa series on princess diana that’s like: something shifts in your life and #suddenly a thing that seemed so insurmountable before just. doesn’t feel insurmountable anymore…..like yeah #this is probably incoherent because i’m typing through my tears but if u read all of this just know ily

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evansbby · 14 days

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bestie what did he do????? do i need to pull my glock out or what

he fr lost the baddest bitch 🙏🏾

the usual thing that men do. he ghosted me 😭😭 after we’d went on a few dates and also for weeks we’d text ALL day and half the night like till 3am 😭 and i don’t mean sexting i mean actual conversation with cute flirting 😭😭😭 but then he all of a sudden just stopped replying and i should’ve just NOT SAID ANYTHING but then i texted him a few days after he ghosted me and then he was like “sorry i was busy :)” WHICH IS BASICALLY CODE FOR FUCK YOU I AM DONE WITH YOU 🥲🥲🥲🥲 like I can’t believe he wasted my time like that!!! and I don’t understand what was going on in his HEAD like he was sooo into it like in the beginning i wasn’t even that attracted to him i just thought he was fun to talk to!! He was the one who kept complimenting me and flirting with me!!! (another red flag in hindsight lol). I mean he was hot so i was initially attracted to him but then I got the ick but then i forced myself to be attracted to him again bc his personality was so good 😭😭😭 and we genuinely got along so well 😭 anyways he never popped up again so it’s safe to say it’s done lol even if he did pop up now i wouldn’t reply 😂😂

#OR WOULD I BC IM CRAZY #no bc this man had me going on mental health WALKS i was tweaking so hard 😭😭😭#15k like every day for a solid week after he ghosted me lol #but looking back… the red flags were all there #like how he told me he doesn’t look it but actually he’s ’really nerdy’#LIKE SUREEEE YOU ARE #(he was a jock)#and the way he was so smooth with some of the things he said… I didn’t realise it at the time but CLEARLY he has a lot of experience #experience speaking with girls #he deffo had a whole roster 😭😭😭#I was sooo stupid #i feel like wg!Reader #like God actually made one of my fanfic men come to life to haunt me #I JUST DO NOT GET MEN!!!#he said he wanted a relationship 😭😭😭 he did not #my friends say that he must’ve realised he wasn’t gonna get sex any time soon #😭😭😭😭#which sucks but it’s probably true and that’s why he ghosted #either that or he wanted a white girl #bc he is white #IDK WHY I DOOOO THIS TO MYSLEF 😭😭😭#🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃#anon #<- by that I mean that he wanted a white girl as his girlfriend and he only saw me as a hook up #idk if that’s true but that’s the worst case scenario and I’d cry but it’s probably true bc a lot of men are like that 🥲

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widevibratobitch · 2 months

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aaaaaaand it's starting. mom's bestie just texted me asking to come over this weekend cause it's Bad and it's probably the last chance to talk and maybe say goodbye to my mom's husband and i need to take care of her. god. i wont get through this weekend unless im high or drunk istg.

#time to slightly overdose my depression meds again ig lol #anyway. it is a little better with me these last two weeks. turns out the meds do work when you actually take em regularly #but first my best friend's break up that she's blowing up to unimaginable size #acting as if she just got divorced with the love of her life after 20 years #and not ended a few months long relationship with a guy who's been the source of most of her troubles since the moment they started dating #(ofc she's valid and id never tell her that because like. i get it. some people feel stuff more deeply. but its hard to be supportive #when you genuinely feel like this is the best possible outcome for her and that the relationship was only dragging her down all this time)#and now this. and this is gonna be infinitely worse. and then it's gonna get a million times worse when he actually does die.#and i feel like the worst most selfish person ever which like. probably am. but i did tell my cousin who actually knows my mom really well #and she said she understands and that my fears ARE valid because SHE'S terrified of how she's gonna handle my mom #and she wouldn't wanna be me in that situation cause it's gonna be so much worse for me lmao #like i feel like people who know my mother casually really dont understand just how unhinged emotionally she is #anyway. i feel so overwhelmed. i cant handle this jesus.#but im also emotionally unavailable and refuse to actually confide in another person because i dont want to be a bother <3333 #god i love tumblr. i can literally type anything in those tags lol it's the perfect form of venting since you can just scroll by #but i will still have let it out of myself anyway uwu i literally dont need that therapy fr #anyway. i feel so unbelievably fucking lonely and on one hand it's my own fault for withdrawing and refusing to ask for help.#but on the other hand. i AM alone. like there's no one who can help me in this particular situation.#i have no siblings. obviously my dad isnt gonna help. it all falls down to me. good god. i wanna throw up.

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dallonwrites · 1 year

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actually i will be very brave and read what i wrote over nanowrimo

#i kinda dont look back on nanowrimo fondly anymore because everything about it #big word count goals / tracking word count goals / writing sprints etc etc #is so antithetical to my writing process #even though it was very fun in the moment i had massive burnout from it #but i do miss my apocalypse...#kinda have to replot it majorly though because i dont like my original ideas for it LOL #also it probably doesnt help that nanowrimo started literally a week after the worst event to happen in my life oops #which probably contributed to the burnout OOPS #on paper doing nanowrimo in those circumstances does not sound like a good idea but if i hadnt i would have actually lost my mind #but i dont wanna do anything like it again lol

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adore-gregor · 3 months

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soooo

#guys i'm dating someone again 🤭#and i rly hope it works out better this time 🥺#i already think i'm starting to fall for him adgjk #we had a 2nd date this week and it was good #i just feel comfortable around this guy honestly more than with the last one #it's also happening slower like no kiss on the first date lol altough it was good then i'm not mad about it #it makes me feel less pressured #the first date we went on a little walk (actually up a pretty steep hill in the city xd but with a lovely view) and then coffee #2nd date we went for breakfast and i'll probably see him again next week 🥰#and yeah this he's just so sweet and genuine i love that 🥺 i don't feel judged by him and it all feels more effortless #(with the other guy honestly i did at times feel intimidated about how he had his life together and that he'd judge me for mine lol)#also he's much more my type looks wise what i typically like he has such a cute smile and warm eyes 🥰 and also he's reaaaally tall haha #he's over 2m tall to be exact 😆 but not in an intimidating way and i'm also quite tall so i like this fact 🙈#but one thing which was so cute is when we met how his face lit up omg 🥺 and like how he looked at me 🥰#(the other guy was mostly hot in the very athletic fit body way with this one i find him attractive overall and also kind of cute)#and yeah i keep thinking about him and if i should text him but i never really know what to text 😂 i'm the worst texter #at times i don't even text my best friend like it's never personal i'm just better to meet in person hahah #and i'm just much happier these days thinking about him dgjkll 🤭🤭

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asmoonlightthroughthepines · 7 months

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#i have been barely functioning what with the horrors of the world lately (and the horrors just keep piling on)#and am being v careful to not reblog anything so as to keep this place as gentle as poss because i’m probably not the only one who needs tha #(i’ve tried to avoid any kind of horrific details and even so the very little i read will haunt me for the rest of my life)#but i just CANNOT. for the life of me. wrap my head around how people can hear of such abject violence #being inflicted upon another living being -human or animal- and feel anything but absolute horror #like how much do you have to hate jews to be able to switch off any ounce of humanity and compassion for a living being?#the sheer number of folks - including close friends - i’ve unfollowed in the last week is staggering.#literally because i do not believe that anyone should ever get raped. like i thought we all agreed on this.#APPARENTLY NOT. i’ve never seen so many feminists brush off rape.#worst is these are all folks who love to post about punching nazis and who laugh at jewish jokes #when they’re from carrie fisher or mrs maisel or crazy ex gf or schmitt from new girl #but when it’s an actual pogrom - no more punching nazis all of a sudden #something broke in me this week to see that so-called activists who i thought were kind and decent -#don’t apparently believe that all human lives are created equal #it’s like we’ve all been working hard on being anti-racist but some of us didn’t feel that not being antisemitic was worth the bother

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lonelyvomit · 1 year

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hella1975 · 2 years

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my sunshiney friend who I’m convinced has never judged anyone in her life and doesn’t have a malicious bone in her body: hey did something happen to your spotify I can’t find you anywhere :(

me knowing full well I blocked her in the heat of menstrual-infused paranoia convinced she was going to somehow scan through all of my playlists and collect enough clues to find my online presence and expose me: oh that’s weird

#like I just brushed it off with the shittest lie ever lmfao #bc she asked for my spotify AGESSS ago and then randomly a few weeks ago #JUST BROUGHT UP ONE OF MY PLAYLISTS?#and I was faced with the terrifying realisation that this girl checks my spotify regularly #and i was like. god damn. if u were really weird and stalkery you could very easily find my tumblr blog from my spotify #like even just from the titles (not anymore bc i changed them all in the exact same paranoia session that had me blocking her lmfao)#and ive finally accepted (bc ive noticed it for years but kinda ignored it) that i get SUPER paranoid before my period hits #like every month it's a whole thing and it SUCKS #and im pretty sure i posted about this when i did it but that night i was just CONVINCED that my spotify was going to expose me #and i blocked every single person from my real life on it skhgskjdghjk #AND THEN SHE MESSAGED ME TODAY SAYING THIS I WAS LIKE SHIT FUCK I FORGOT I DID THAT #like no regrets it helps me sleep at night BUT STILL SDGHSKDGH #im terrified that one day she'll ask again and i'll use the same 'idk why spotify isn't working :/' excuse #and she'll try and fix it WITH ME THERE in a way that LETS HER SEE MY SPOTIFY or worse THE FACT IVE BLOCKED HER #like if she finds out i actually made the conscious effort to block her there really is no normal explanation for that #and actually her assuming the worst would probably be better than the truth bc the truth is so much stranger lmfao #she's literally so lovely too i feel so bad but not bad enough to unblock her #sorry bestie ilysm it's not you it is very much me and this bitch hella1975 #music tings

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free-piza · 2 years

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i'll keep it real with you besties. my focus used to be better

#or i can't actually remember how it used to be but it couldnt have been like this. right??#txt #oh also happy 3 year anniversary to me graduating from uni!#truly the worst weeks of my life right there at the end <3 #but also probably the last time right before everything started rollercoasting on me 🥲#babes we are coping!#we are coping

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cryptidcalling · 2 years

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I know it’s true and all but every post I see about how in adulthood you only get to hang out with your friends for brief snippets like 2 times a year or something makes me feel so unimaginably miserable.

#like. literally what is the point of anything anymore.#what the fuck is the point of struggling through school and getting a good job and all that if my whole goddamn fucking life is just gonna #be working and barely getting a moment to spend with people I care about #I hate it here I hate it here I hate it here I hate it here #vent #sorry I really don’t like being like this #it’s just been a hard couple of weeks already and just #there’s something so miserable about the thought that maybe the happiest moments of my life are over actually #maybe college is a hard-ish part of life leading up to work. the worst and longest part #I dunno. I’m just catastrophising again probably.#maybe I should see a doctor.#dlt soon

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butchratchettruther · 2 years

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Thinking about how comedically bad nearly all of my partners have been

#First we had a couple of Extremely Unrequited Crushes #Then we had a straight and probably homophobic girl who flirted with me as a way of making fun of me #Who I never actually dated but am counting as she was the first person to ever show romantic interest in me and I was so flattered by the #attention that I got a crush on her #Worst mistake of my life honestly she was such a bitch #Also I was closeted and she’d figured out that I was queer which made it worse #Then I had my first relationship at like. Fourteen? Which was genuinely comedically bad #like the dude straight up cheated on me via catfishing our mutual best friend multiple times #And he also created fake puppet accounts (two of whom he catfished my friend through and another one who he tried to catfish my friend #through)#And then one of these fake puppet accounts committed suicide and another of his fake puppet accounts “blamed him” for it #Which. Lol the puppet account wasn’t wrong #And like he also faked multiple mental illnesses like depression and schizophrenia #Like he was just comedically bad. You can’t make that shit up like fuck was up with him #The second one was also pretty shitty but much better in comparison. There was a weird power dynamic there because he was two years older #than me and I was VERY sheltered and didn’t realise that was maybe a little weird and thought it was Totally Normal #And uh. He was super controlling and weird #And also he broke up with me twice both times so that he could persue someone else (one of whom was his bff’s just broken up ex boyfriend)#And he also ignored me for like a week/two weeks before we actually broke up both times #And the first time he broke up over text and the second time he broke up through our mutual best friend #Kind of. Like we were sitting in the art room and he asked everyone except me him and our mutual best friend to leave #And then our mutual best friend had to explain to me whilst he was just sitting there about how he didn’t really have those feelings for me #anymore #except that didn’t really happen either because I panicked and ran off and hid until the end of the day #So yeah. That was pretty wild but not as bad as the first one #The third/last one wasn’t too bad either. He only ignored me for two weeks at the end of the relationship #And he apologised afterwards and we’re still friends now and he’s super super guilty over it #but yeah all of my partners have been comedically bad and I find that absurdly funny #Also I should probably tag this vent tw so #Vent tw

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29121996 · 1 month

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#planets fucking my shit up again can i catch a break. seriously.#i cannot do this anymore. im losing my mind n im seriously suicidal AGAIN like .#why does shit ha e to ve so hard why do i have to keep fucking pushing through what is ths point.#its 2 #2:30pm and im wanting to die . sick i love that .#fucksake i cannot keep doing this. i seriously cant lmao if shit doesnt changs and get better within the next . week i am #going to off myself fr. its been 2months (actually its been longer but whatever)#trying to use loa to help myself n i feel lile its just making iy worse bc how am i doing everything right #or think im doing everything right. but nothinf has changed yet.#i want it to change . i cant do this #i cant b unemployed anymore. i cant be missinh him this intensely anymore. im so angrt and upset im #i wanns fucking scream.lol . i want to do stupif shit and wreck my fucking life to feel something that isnt this .#bc doing everything right and staying correct is getting me nowhere so far #ivw beem awake dor 3hrs and ive been sad this whole entire time. ive showered n eaten !#am . probably gonna ask irl if she . wants to come.to beach w me this afternoon so i can feel less shitty #and have company. while im Sugfering at least .#i dont know i dont. i get sad n suddenly deel like a vurden #even tho im NOT and she . probsbly wouldnt mind being there for me but .#i dont . h :( i just want this to end #brain keeps gettibg worse ! how am i supposed tocget better !#anyway whatever its fucking fine. ill be fine but hesus christ im so tired of going through the worst fucking pain #every few years / months . what is the point od all of this #im depressed agaon ik that . i have neen for nearly a mojth but . i dont.

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southislandwren · 3 months

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just took an exam in 20 minutes without even reading 2/3 of the content and still got an 83%. this is why every faculty member of my department lets me in on gossip and trusts me. i am sooo fucking smart

#sat in plant manager's office for like an hour listening to him yell at a grad student for doing stupid shit #(justified because who does an ice cream research project without knowing you have to fucking pasteurize the mix before freezing it.....)#then i sat in lactation prof's office for 30 minutes listening to her perspective on the department drama #then i went and killed that astro exam. and soon i will depart for the disturbed concert with my friend in tow #tomorrow will be rough i think. 8am class with a quiz. then mixing ingredients. then work. then helping bestie with a spreadsheet #actually my whole week is kinda rough #friday i have prep at 9. clarinet at 10. class at 11. freezing IC at 12. work at 3. dog sitting immediately after work #BUT on saturday im going to see boytoy's cousin's play and i think we'll probably go out for food or something too #so like a proper date kind of. also i WILL hold his hand in the car ride there&back he is simply too soft and comfortable to not hold hands #also while i was in plant managers office he was there sometimes and he stood like right next to me and i couldve made contact but i didnt<#we are so good at keeping life and work separate #anyway. the best part of being a super senior is the trust i have from the grown ups and my classmates #and the worst part of being a super senior is having all the responsibilities that go along with that trust #school post

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autismserenity · 3 months

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know someone who enjoys horror stories? share this one! it's true!

hahahahahahahahahaha aarrggghhhhhhhhhh 3,000,000 deaths due to COVID-19 last year. Globally. Three million. Case rates higher than 90% of the rest of the pandemic. The reason people are still worried about COVID is because it has a way of quietly fucking up your body. And the risk is cumulative.

I'm going to say that again: the risk is cumulative.

It's not just that a lot of people get bad long-term effects from it. One in seven or so? Enough that it's kind of the Russian Roulette of diseases. It's also that the more times you get it, the higher that risk becomes. Like if each time you survived Russian Roulette, the empty chamber was removed from the gun entirely. The worst part is that, psychologically, we have the absolute opposite reaction. If we survive something with no ill effects, we assume it's pretty safe. It is really, really hard to override that sense of, "Ok, well, I got it and now I probably have a lot of immunity and also it wasn't that bad." It is not a respiratory disease. Airborne, yes. Respiratory disease, no: not a cold, not a flu, not RSV.

Like measles (or maybe chickenpox?), it starts with respiratory symptoms. And then it moves to other parts of your body. It seems to target the lungs, the digestive system, the heart, and the brain the most.

It also hits the immune system really hard - a lot of people are suddenly more susceptible to completely unrelated viruses. People get brain fog, migraines, forget things they used to know.

(I really, really hate that it can cross the blood-brain barrier. NOTHING SHOULD EVER CROSS THE BLOOD-BRAIN BARRIER IT IS THERE FOR A REASON.) Anecdotal examples of this shit are horrifying. I've seen people talk about coworkers who've had COVID five or more times, and now their work... just often doesn't make sense? They send emails that say things like, "Sorry, I didn't mean Los Angeles, I meant Los Angeles."

Or they insist they've never heard of some project that they were actually in charge of a year or two before.

Or their work is just kind of falling apart, and they don't seem to be aware of it.

People talk about how they don't want to get the person in trouble, so their team just works around it. Or they describe neighbors and relatives who had COVID repeatedly, were nearly hospitalized, talked about how incredibly sick they felt at the time... and now swear they've only had it once and it wasn't bad, they barely even noticed it.

(As someone who lived with severe dissociation for most of my life, this is a genuinely terrifying idea to me. I've already spent my whole life being like, "but what if I told them that already? but what if I did do that? what if that did happen to me and I just don't remember?") One of its known effects in the brain is to increase impulsivity and risk-taking, which is real fucking convenient honestly. What a fantastic fucking mutation. So happy for it on that one. Yes, please make it seem less important to wear a mask and get vaccinated. I'm not screaming internally at all now.

I saw a tweet from someone last year whose family hadn't had COVID yet, who were still masking in public, including school.

She said that her son was no kind of an athlete. Solidly bottom middle of the pack in gym.

And suddenly, this year, he was absolutely blowing past all the other kids who had to run the mile. He wasn't running any faster. His times weren't fantastic or anything. It's just that the rest of the kids were worse than him now. For some reason. I think about that a lot. (Like my incredibly active six-year-old getting a cold, and suddenly developing post-viral asthma that looked like pneumonia.

He went back to school the day before yesterday, after being home for a month and using preventative inhalers for almost week.

He told me that it was GREAT - except that he couldn't run as much at recess, because he immediately got really tired. Like how I went outside with him to do some yard work and felt like my body couldn't figure out how to increase breathing and heart rate.

I wasn't physically out of breath, but I felt like I was out of breath. That COVID feeling people describe, of "I'm not getting enough air." Except that I didn't have that problem when I had COVID.) Some people don't observe any long (or medium) term side effects after they have it.

But researchers have found viral reservoirs of COVID-19 in everyone they've studied who had it.

It just seems to hang out, dormant, for... well, longer than we've had an opportunity to observe it, so far.

(I definitely watched that literal horror movie. I think that's an entire genre. The alien dormant under ice in the Arctic.)

(oh hey I don't like that either!!!!!!!!!) All of which is to explain why we should still care about avoiding it, and how it manages to still cause excess deaths. Measuring excess deaths has been a standard tool in public health for a long time.

We know how many people usually die from all different causes, every year. So we can tell if, for example, deaths from heart disease have gone way up in the past three years, and look for reasons. Those are excess deaths: deaths that, four years ago, would not have happened. During the pandemic, excess death rates have been a really important tool. For all sorts of reasons. Like, sometimes people die from COVID without ever getting tested, and the official cause is listed as something else because nobody knows they had COVID. But also, people are dying from cardiovascular illness much younger now.

People are having strokes and heart attacks younger, and more often, than they did before the pandemic started. COVID causes a lot of problems. And some of those problems kill people. And some of them make it easier for other things to kill us. Lung damage from COVID leading to lungs collapsing, or to pneumonia, or to a pulmonary embolism, for example. The Economist built a machine-learning model with a 95% confidence interval that gauges excess death statistics around the world, to tell them what the true toll of the ongoing COVID pandemic has been so far.

Total excess deaths globally in 2023: Three million.

3,000,000.

Official COVID-19 deaths globally so far: Seven million. 7,000,000. Total excess deaths during COVID so far: Thirty-five point two million. 35,200,000.

Five times as many.

That's bad. I don't like that at all. I'm glad last year was less than a tenth of that. I'm not particularly confident about that continuing, though, because last year we started a period of really high COVID transmission. Case rates higher than 90% of the rest of the pandemic. Here's their data, and charts you can play with, and links to detailed information on how they did all of this:

Here's a non-paywalled link to it:

https://archive.vn/2024.01.26-012536/https://www.economist.com/graphic-detail/coronavirus-excess-deaths-estimates

Oh: here's a link to where you can buy comfy, effective N95 masks in all sizes:

Those ones are about a buck each after shipping - about $30 for a box of 30. They also have sample packs for a dollar, so you can try a couple of different sizes and styles.

You can wear an N95 mask for about 40 total hours before the effectiveness really drops, so that's like a dollar for a week of wear.

They're also family-owned and have cat-shaped masks and I really love them. These ones are cuter and in a much wider range of colors, prints, and styles, but they're also more expensive; they range from $1.80 to $3 for a mask. ($18-$30 for a box of ten.)

#covid isn't over #covid 19 #disability rights #disability advocacy #wear a mask #covid conscious #covid cautious #mask up #wall of words #public health #health care

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