#probably just try to kill myself again

[netscrape]

if i want to actually make a change i have to actually start changing my habits now. time for 1 million cold showers 

#i'm committing to the injection i'm going sober no self harming i'm even trying to quit cigarettes #yes it sounds all hellish as it sounds to do this all at once but i'm at a hospital so i have support and i actually need to change or i'll #probably just try to kill myself again #if i hear one person in my life give me any kind of shit for this i am cutting them off i can't take it anymore i need to get better or i'm #gonna die #i am scared #the last time i almost died and it was the 2nd time in lkess than a year and i don't see things getting better so!!!!!! #i rly wasnt expecting it either so i'm basically terrified of my own self i feel like i am being held captive in my body by someone who #is trying to kill me

[collophora]

Found a cool color palette. Might finish it later. (Probably not.)

#star wars #star wars the clone wars #star wars rex #star wars the bad batch #Glitched half an hour on his face for no reason #just cause I couldn't figure a skin color #like I come from impressionism #you know this small art movement #where half of the Chinese artists I follow borrows their wonderful color palette #Color palettes who are perfect to draw noice anime boys #but (we can't lie) where everyone tend to draw only fair skinned characters #So I'm bugged trying to draw realistic people with that #would probably help if I forced myself to do studies ya know #instead of looking at gensh1n art #skill issue as people say #maybe is should draw on a bigger file too #like not draw face with realistic feature on a 300x300 px square XD #But again this drawing was me procrastinating on another one #I hate finishing illu #I just wanna plan/doodle and layout #for others #my jobs of heart are storyboard or color key artist #background paint or compositing hell no #clean animation? kill me #I had a burn out last time I touched a graph editor #too bad that's the most demanded and entry level jobs #v_v #tips for people who want to enter animation industry #don't be like me #finish stuff

[designernishiki]

it’s kinda funny to me how that dumb scene in kiwami 1 of majima getting shot and left for dead in the harbor was basically just added as a half-assed way to explain majima not being around for a bit of the plot, but they accidentally(?) just made it seem like start of a chain reaction where majima ended up feeling slighted and heartbroken after being abandoned like that and then lashed out about it via smashing a big truck into the building kiryu was in. and yeah that isn’t inherently a romantic thing as-is but then they go and add the part where majima grabs a hostess and performatively hits on her as in-kiryu’s-face as possible, she says she’s already in love with someone, and majima lets her go immediately, no questions asked, making a big fucking point of it just to say see THAT kiryu? I appreciate when people are HONEST about their FEELINGS. people who won’t just BACKSTAB someone who CARES about them to save themselves. is that so crazy kiryu?? huh??? anyway make it up to me get down here and fight me right fucking now

#I think on another level he was sorta saying like ‘hey kiryu. you’re making it extremely clear that you don’t trust me and my intentions #and I’ve been trying to show you- over and over again- that I’d do just about anything for you and your safety #but I can’t just let my mask fall off in front of everyone- I need to keep up the unpredictable morally grey wildcard act for both my sake #AND yours. because disguising my helping you as crazy random violent outbursts and weird stalker behavior #is the only way I CAN help you. do you think it would go over well with shimano or literally anyone else if I was outright helping you out #of the kindness of my heart and fondness for you? stop being so fucking dense and look past the crazy wacky nonsense for a second and #maybe you’ll realize that all I do at the end of the day- really- is help you and put my own life and reputation on the line for you. #I am an honest guy when it comes to my real values and when I told you I wouldn’t let anyone kill you unelss it was myself- I meant it. #I’ve taken a knife and a bullet for you now. can you REALLY not see through the act yet? am I REALLY that unpredictable when you think about #it?’ #that was a longer explanation than i intended but. it was difficult to put into words #I basically feel like it could be read as him implying kiryu shouldn’t backstab the people who put themselves on the line to help him #and/or pointing out that he’s never actually done kiryu dirty and has stuck to his word protecting him in the ways he can #trying to say yeah all this is a crazy act and all but when it comes down to it you Can trust me #it really makes sense when you think about it that he’d have to help kiryu/show affection towards kiryu in unpredictable convoluted ways #at that point in time because. I mean. there’s a reason he was the only person who showed up to welcome kiryu when he got out of prison #and that’s because A) he sticks to his word and his loyalty to people he cares about and B) no one else had the balls or the batshit insane #mask to wear to ward off anyone asking real questions like majima did. because ANYONE associating themselves with the supposed #patriarch-killer was a HUGE NO-NO at the time. someone important showing up for kiryu and welcoming him back outright could’ve caused #all-out warfare probably. except majima. because majima was dedicated and smart enough to use his widely-feared wildcard persona #(that everyone tended to view as incapable of having any Real agenda to worry about) to his And kiryu’s advantage #does that make sense??? I feel like it makes a lot of sense if you get it to click in your head #kazumaji #majima #kiryu #yakuza #kiwami 1 #yk1 #rambling

[skitskatdacat63]

I have to write a relatively long German paper, and man its just so difficult for me. The pro side is that I can pick any topic I want, so of course I picked Charles VI. But I've literally not written any German in months, and I'm almost 100% sure our prof doesn't actually read them. I should just write and submit boy king fic....

#i wish it was in English #bcs i would be very happy about it #but i have lost so much capacity for any German writing #bcs he sucks so much as a prof and has dropped the ball on actual language learning imo #how am i supposed to suddenly write a 7-8 pg paper after youve spent all our class time just lecturing at us #and giving us no real opportunity to really learn or test our skills #i shall.. probably just cheat. #LIKE i want to learn german so badly #but what the fuck is the point of even trying when i know im not going to get actual feedback on my writing #why should i even try at that point. put that much effort in and know that he doesnt really care at all #it just sucks so much bcs i genuinely love and am so fascinated w the topic #but the idea that id put so much work into translating it only for him not to read it really kills me #again. just submit boy king fic and see if he notices sjfkgllblb #but do you know what i mean? like im sure ill write a good version in english that i think is actual good content #but translating it is such a lost cause bcs all the effort is reallt for nothing #like atp im jusy interested in the history more than making an effort w the language #ugh i wish i wasnt this way but yknow lack of stimulation anf feedback really kills my enjoyment and interest #like see i can convince myself that thr eng version of teh paper is my typical personal research #<- i mean im making a fucking family tree for funsies so this isnt that far off #but the translation part is so difficult bcs my german has been eroding a bit SOB SOB #lol anyways i say this bcs i was plotting a boy king fic in my head as i was goong to bed #and was like oh i shoulf write it out tmr! and then remembered I HAVE AN ESSAY UGH #well yeah. suffering. we'll see how i feel abt i write the original copy and if i have the capacity to germanify it #i just feel so guilty about it. cheating. I dont want to and it feels so low effort and terrible #but why would i force myself thru all that for a guy who barely reads it #catie.rambling.txt

[crimsontroupe]

Always so tired and drained to write here and it rly sucks. Because I want to do it. But recently I really have been struggling to. 🥀

#i considered putting myself on a more rigid hiatus and rping on discord for a bit #until like... my brain is here #dealing with. grief twice in such a short period has killed all my motivation for anything #so i do. apologize. if you're waiting on something from me. i want to write i just .. am not feeling like my brain is in a right place for #these things. but i do. want to try. and I'll just try smallish things until i feel alright again. probably on discord... #so if you would like to. please let me know. I'll do something about it. or truly #try. *

[semercury]

More than anything I want to go back in time and change how certain things went.

#stuff sarah says #this is once again about my education choices #ill never have the college experience #and maybe thats kind of okay? but sometimes its fun to be young and stupid with other young and stupid people #but mostly i would like to have gotten my degree when i still was on my parents health insurance #''life doesnt have a deadline'' wrong. its when you turn 26 and get kicked off your parents insurance #bc then you HAVE to have some kind of job bc youll always have some bills #i get it. im beyond privileged and should kill myself about it bc my parents are super chill with me #but i know if it was up to them i could just live here for free and go to school full time #id be in super debt after probably. but id figure it out #but also who even knows if i could find a good job with a degree #idk. i hate it here (on this planet) #ive had a pounding headache for two days straight #and i keep having not-quite-nightmares #like im not waking up trying to scream bc i dreamt demons were ripping my limbs off (true story) #but every dream i have things go wrong and i wake up feeling funky or sad or something #and my eyelid is still twitching almost constantly #im fucking tired man

[healthpipe]

Predictably having nonstop dreams about being killed in my sleep in various different homes as I sleep the day from 5 am to 7 pm.

#Mine #Not to be dramatic but I've been focusing on the afterlife and if it could be a window to going back . #Back to when I was trying to take care of myself and started taking shit and back when I could have said something. #I'm not trying to kill myself again by the wayI feel like I need to say that I am just so lost over how horrible this all was. #If you start taking cymbalta and think the side effects are actually helping thats the devil talking and you should probably stop.

[skhardwarevers1]

that feeling when you want to post a rant/vent but it just feels like another attempt to get attention <<<<<<<<<(x one million)

#Oh wow and would you look at that this in itself is just another way for me to get fucking attention #For being a sensitive little whiny bitch who can’t take a fucking joke #I’m just so fucking tired of this shit #I wannna say I don’t give a fuck what my dad has to say abt my life kr jokes he makes #But obviously that’s a fucking lie since I just spent half an hour violently sobbing in the shower #Todays not my day guys #I need to sleep for seventeen fucking years straight #Better than that just forever atp I’m so done with this shit #I just feel like everyone I know fucking hates me including myself #Like I fuck up one time and suddenly I’m not even trustworthy enough for you to trust that I fucking went to xtra help for a half hour #Like omfg just kill me already. I hate this shit. #And I know he was probably joking but like it still fucking hurts yknow? #And now I can’t leave my room cuz I look like a fucking mess and you can tell I’ve been crying #I’m actually ready to fucking just give up on all this shit #I’ve been trying so fucking hard to try to improve. I’m doing what you fucking asked me to like omfggggg #I dunno I just feel like shit I’ll be fine #Just me being a sensitive bitch again. Literally that’s all it ever is #Tbh if I never fucking dated my first partnrr I wouldn’t fucking be like thid #I fucking hate everything #Kill me #Whatever. This shit fucking sucks #Vent

[theunconcernedembalmer]

Mr Gatto, do you like doing your job? Is it something you enjoy doing?

(Also take care of yourself Mun! :D)

Even after everything... I don't think I will be changing my job anytime soon.

#identity v #aesop carl #identity v embalmer #identity v ask blog #identity v the embalmer #gatto event #hi anon thanks for the concern XD #im doing alright i just have this insane depressive block that has been impeding y creative processes #so ive been trying a lot of things to get out of it #one option is to wait it out but im miserable doing nothing. so i will force it out and feel slightly better that at least i did something #i probably should have spaced oout my posts i clear the inbox really really quickly #ill try to get some stuff out while i can. since im free for the month before work resumes n i disappear again #seriously though its frustrating sitting down staring at a blank canvas for 10 mins with 0 ideas and low energy #and then resigning myself to going back to lying down and mindlessly scrolling twitter or whatever #every single time i try to do something i end up back on my bed. for days on end. it makes me want to throw myself down a flight of stairs #at least with asks i have something to work towards and thats so much better even if i do end up back on the bed afterwards #this sounds like a very pathetic show of begging for asks. which i guess it is??? #its just that. i used to have so many ideas. i used to draw so many comics. i want to cry every time i compare that with myself now #has work killed off so much of my creativity? probably. but i just really want it back. so im trying my best #i didnt mean to get this emotional in the tags but this is really something ive been struggling with a lot right now #so if u have the time to spare. just drop something dumb in my inbox. it helps a great deal. much greater than i can express #but anyway if ur reading this im still very grateful for the support u have shown to the blog in one way or another. #so thank you very much n i hope the day will treat you kindly #less than three

[born-to-lose]

Missing people and regretting shit o'clock

#why did i even let it come this far. 7 fucking months and i didn't realize what was going wrong so i could have saved it #i want him back fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck #was thinking of this notebook i filled for him with memories and poetry and quotes and general mushy things and goddamn #why am i crying i just looked at my desk and i don't have the heart to put everything in a box so i don't see it every day when i wake up #i know i can't change it and it's probably over for good now after i fucked some things up extra hard but fuck do i miss him #i wish i could have done something in time before even the thought of breaking up came up #just when i thought for once things are working out for me and it was really fucking good and happy until a week before it ended #guess i just can't be happy. i never could #i was really really willing to talk things out and fix whatever needs to be fixed while staying together #not go separate ways and maybe not so maybe definitely not possibly maybe see if we can try again in the future #which we (spoiler) apparently won't and i kinda came to terms with that but i still wish there was a possibility #or at least i would have liked to know from the beginning and not spend weeks hoping for a reunion and working towards that specifically #while i seem to be the only one with that goal #idk i just wish it had been more thought through and talked about properly so there wouldn't be the misunderstandings we deal with now #and like boundaries for the first two months or so after that but it takes two i guess #disclaimer i'm not bitter or mad at anyone just sad and nostalgic. if the person in question reads this i love you ok that won't change #deleting later but now i need to go back to sleep before i kill myself on a whim #mel talks #depressed bitch posting #i know i know i know i did some shit too that wasn't great and i'm not saying i'm innocent here i'm just so depressed about the situation #it's been seven goddamn weeks it never took me this long to get over anything before

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#ay ay ay. now that the soul crushing project is done ive elected to spend the week managing data #which is decidedly more chill than what ive been doing for the last month but also isnt not doing anything and it isnt getting stuff done #for when i have to move. so thats annoying. and ive been drawing again at least but i can feel the escalation in my controlling behavior #so its now very frustrating trying to draw anything. coloring is gonna take a million years rip. #also suddenly everyone wants to b social rn? like tomorrow my boss is organizing a thing with an old lab mate and this weekend a #collaborator is having a retirement party. and next week my lab mates wanna do a trivia night. and i kno that i should go to these things. #and i will try but i really dont want to go to any of it. mostly for driving reasons but also im a husk of a person rn. but the more #devastating thing is that uh next week one of the kids i grew up with is getting married to a rich girl lol. and like we werent that close #bc i was and am such an asocial freak but after the wedding my parents r picking up their new camper and camping their way across the #country with my sisters. and im sure someone probably told me the dates of these things at some point but if u tell me dates i will #instantly forget them. so thats. ya kno. happening over basically the next 2 weeks while i have to kill myself over measurements for a #different study i dont care abt. and like. its fine. ill see them mid may for a different planned trip. it just makes me kinda sad #a product of living halfway across the country i guess. im just inherently more disconnected to everyone. i would suspect thsts semi #intentional subconsciously. u cant b upset abt not being able to connect with ppl if you create enough physical distance that u never see #them in the 1st place. u cant misunderstand me if i make myself absent and unknowable. idk. i was explaining to my mum that i didnt realize #the timeline and she was like. understandable whatever u wanna do! and idk y that upsets me so much. i guess its just that i dont want to b #doing this. its causing me pain but dont kno how to articulate it in a way that makes sense. whatever. my mouth hurts. my lips r so chapped #that the irritation is spread past my lip line. probably doesnt help thst i keep rubbing at it lol. anyway things r still annoying #less soul crushing thsn last week but still frustrating #unrelated

[meowonhao]

soo crazy to me how in the last year with minghao, dokyeom, hoshi, joshua, junhui, and now woozi (idk if i'm missing someone) y'all are way too ready and eager to automatically throw them under the bus over something some random person (usually antis) said online and then like a day or two later when everyone comes to the consensus that it wasn't actually that big of a deal or even wrong/bad in the first place (which you could've figured out yourself from the beginning by just doing like. 30 seconds of research and exercising your critical thinking skills) everyone just moves on like nothing happened and goes back to being a fan/stanning them or whatever like you weren't just going with the crowd and shit-talking them 12 hours ago

#not even going to get into how so many problems arise from no understanding of korean/asian culture #and relying on half-assed and sometimes just straight up wrong translations #like cool you don't have to know everything about a culture or be fluent in a language but #that also means you probably shouldn't be speaking on certain things at all much less without even trying to look into it a bit more #anyways..yeah i'm sorry maybe i'm delusional but i definitely am going to default to trusting my idols #and then figuring out for myself if i really think they did something that bad or “cancel” worthy #before i'm about to believe some random twitter/tumblr/tiktok user and just go with whatever they tell me to think about something #and most of y'all don't apologize or clarify anything. just move on right after hurling the most abhorrent accusations against these people #who are people too in case anyone forgot #but then an idol kills themselves and everybody boohoo's and cries and acts like they just can't believe how this happened again #like it's you. you're why #and i can only speak on the last year of course bc that's how long i've been an actual carat and kept up with them to this extent #i'm sure other stupid stuff has happened before that too with other members #i just think if you're so ready to toss away your idols without giving them like any benefit of the doubt whatsoever you just need to go #i hate when i see this stuff too bc i'm usually only seeing the korean side of stuff and most of these things are such a non-issue here #bc people know better (not saying there aren't some crazy fans everywhere but) #then i see some dumb shit on tumblr dot com that either only has links to some dumb twitter thread #or i have to search for on twitter because again. i do not see stuff from int'l fans unless i am forced to or look it up intentionally #and just saying the timing of these things is always so calculated by antis and y'all fall for it every single time #this is all i have to say bc i just remembered the whole thing abt ppl trying to say hao was being fatphobic or something dumb #and then i remembered everything else and it just made me mad all over again lol #if anyone disagrees with any of this feel free to block me🥰

[voiceshearingyouloud]

Survived another day of severe SI 💪 #unkillable

#cliche to say but g-d will have to try harder than this to kill me #I feel more sensible again now #the problem is I lose the ability to think rationally when it happens; it’s like a dark cloud overtaking me #I should’ve probably gone to the hospital but then again that’d probably make me feel worse #good to be out of it either way! I’m glad I’m fine #nothing is better and everything is still terrible and stressful but I’m not gonna kill myself about it #everything will sort itself out and even if I flunk out it’ll be fine eventually #all day I was thinking what was even the point of surviving all the times I’ve wanted to kill myself since the age of 14 #if all it got me was PTSD three times over and every time I think I’m through it something else traumatising happens #but we’ll see. I’m pleased to be alive right now and I’m sure I’ll be displeased and then pleased again in the future #this post doesn’t really have a message it’s just me marvelling at how I never seem to actually kill myself #like some kind of cockroach. #anne speaks #suicide tw #thanks frank iero for the phrase of all time

[non-un-topo]

Seems like I'm having another pain flare-up, this time so much worse than the last :(

#i don't know what i'm gonna do about school this year. at this point i definitely can't carry a bag #can't even carry just my ass around without being in so much pain. and i can't fit anything in a fanny pack #i've been stretching and trying to work out my muscles veeeery slowly. because if i don't i'll injure myself again #..........maybe i should just say fuck it and finally see a doctor. #but nooo. if you're afab and you see a doctor for pain it's gonna be two things: #'oh it's your period of course!' 'oh it's not your period? then have you tried yoga? drinking water?' #i swear to god it's always like that #partner thinks i might have fibro and i'm not completely unconvinced #my entire middle-upper back and ribs and sternum are just killing me. can't stand up straight or slouch without pain #stretching doesn't seem to be doing anything to help but i'm going to keep trying #can't tell if this is just because i'm 26 and not active at all or if i have some other serious underlying condition #though if i've been in pain every single day for at least the last 11 years it's probably p fucking serious. #i just want to cry. everything aches like when you have a fever or the flu #i'm also feeling SO nauseous this morning like holy shit #someone might have to physically drag me to the doctor tbh #medical trauma wee hoo!!!

[nomaishuttle]

its literally so insane that my brother has like parents who arent young like thats insane... they were 34 when they had him... they were 20 when they had me which like isnt Insanely young but its still young yk. young enough that ppl r like Omg yr parents r so young ! when i say how old they are... but theyre gonna be 40 next year WHICH IS CRAZY. 40 year old parents hes like a kid from a disney channel show.

#and that mf lives in a house my parents own. Not for long lmaooo anyways. #<- bc my parents r prolly gonna lose the house bc my dad lost his job bc he assaulted somebody again. AWESOME FAMILY ! but anyways. #but its crazy. n my mom has been planninh a disneyland trip 4 ages... why r my family becoming like. almost middle class its scary ... guys #go back 2 being poor im scared and also thats so unfair that they waited until like a few months b4 i moved out to start marginally #getting their shit together. go girl give me NOTHING ! #but like its crazy how different our lives will be. like my parents relationship i Highly fucking doubt its gonna get better LMAO theyll #probably get divorced once they lose the house. god willing at least. but yk... #and hes got like Adult siblings.... me in talking abt myself. i left the house the same year he started kindergarten. its insane. and im #not gonna be there to see him grow up. Kills my . #i do like. idk. i want 2 try n stay out here but i also. sometimes i do judt think abt going back home just so i cn be closer to him #but. yk. thats not rly feasible rn. so. #hopefullyyy next year theyll all be able 2 come up n visit me for the summer... since ill have my own place #my like Prayer is that maybe in a couple years him n annie and lamp could start spending the summer with me.... thatd be rly cool #lamp idk what their plans r i think theyre gonna stay down there #weve talked a bittt abt them moving up here and it seemed like theyd enjoy that ? but theyre rly close with annie as well so idk...

[misfortunegirl]

i can fuck everything up boss just give me a second 🫡

#well cute nerd is probably weirdes out by me yipppeeeeee #well that ship has sailed. things couldve been better had i not been. me 😀 #never texting him again ill cut my losses or whatever. #kinda need to get DRUNK to cope but i dont have anything and i wanna get drunj with someone. noone to do it with though. great #all because i started acting like a mentally ill™ person because i got jealous. anyways. ill just kms real quick and try to cope with being #subtly rejected (in a “what the fuck is wrong with you” way) #even called him cute as a last resort. and he just said thanks. and then immediately after he told me to have a good evening 🫥 #he did give it a heart but gurl this is NOT gonna work. all because im weird im weirdo i don't fit in and i dintywant to fit it. have you #ever seen me without this stupid hat on. thats weird *kills myself* #/⁠╲⁠/⁠\⁠╭⁠(⁠•⁠‿⁠•⁠)⁠╮⁠/⁠\⁠╱⁠\