#she never had the medication to it (mostly because of financial issues)

[nei-ning]

No offensive, but I don’t get my mom most of the times in these days anymore. After she started to be with her current boyfriend (like 10 years ago) it seems like she just has become more dumb - pretty much the same what and how HE is as well. More under the cut since this is a bit “long” post.

When mom comes to visit me once every day (because she spends all her time at his place otherwise), first thing what she does is go to the fridge and eat. Eat, eat and eat some more. Those few hours what she’s with me, most of it she spends on eating.

I honestly have asked from her: Is she starving herself at his place? Isn’t he letting her eat? What she eats per day? All this because I have faint memory of mom telling me years ago how this guy, while being drunk, had nagged at mom about it how much she eats. What comes to her eating at his place, she just says: “Oh, but I have eat! I ate oatmeal in the morning, during the day I drank a cup of coffee, at the afternoon I ate few slices of bread. (or few potatoes with tiny bit of sauce)”

I have told her many times THAT’S NOT ENOUGH and that she needs to eat! At least 2-3 warm meals per day! Especially since she has diabetes (mom has had it for decades but it doesn’t give her any symptoms like dizziness etc.) she needs to watch her eating.

Also, some weeks ago mom showed me her toenails and, my GOD! Big nails were brown, other nails lighter brown, her nameless- and little toes’ nails being VERY thick and yellow! And the SMELL! OH GOD, THE SMELL!! That horrible stink lingered in the house for HOURS after she left back to her boyfriend’s! She’s literally rotting and she doesn’t notice or care! (she has other health issues as well which she just hasn’t taken care of)

I told her she, with 100%, has nail fungus and that she NEEDS TO get them treated! Properly! (Note: I watch a lot of professionals’ videos about pimple popping, nail fungus etc. on Youtube. My favorites are Enilsa Brown and Toe Bro, just few to mention).

For ONCE she listened to me, calling to a hospital she needs to see a podiatrist. You can’t get appointment otherwise. Mom is still waiting for her call.

Now, I don’t know what kind of professional this new lady is (hopefully great!) but the previous one who mom visited years ago... I question her a lot since she had told mom that she DOESN’T need any treatment! Like why?! She had nail fungus back then already!

And then mom... She is a person who always listens doctors etc. bending in their will instantly instead of standing up for herself, demanding treatments - like she should had done with that first podiatrist. Tell her she NEEDS and WANTS her toenails to be treated - because NOTHING was done to her toenails. No trimming, lotion, meds, nothing!

So, I really hope this new lady takes mom and her nail fungus seriously, helping mom to get rid of them.

#text #neis life #my mother is honestly rotting from inside out #and she doesn't notice or care #like she had infection in her navel for YEARS doing NOTHING to it #she complained but nothing else #only recently sis and I managed to force her to go hospital and GET her navel TREATED #turns out she had bad infection #more further tests are being done to find out why the infection was there #and why it's still there #but mom has NEVER taken care of herself #she has had high blood pressure almost her whole life #she never had the medication to it (mostly because of financial issues) #but after she got a stroke and left side paralyzed in 2007 #she has been eating her blood pressure meds ever since #so something bad HAS TO HAPPEN to her before she acts #Note she recovered from her stroke perfectly! #little rant #delete later

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA for not helping my brother unlearn some hate?

I (16F) and my brother (9M, let's call him K) are both from a third world country with some less-than-friendly general views, most of which my parents agree with. I couldn't care less if my mom is vividly disgusted at Chinese/Korean products/music or if she wholeheartedly believes that having crushes on your female friends is "normal" and "not homosexuality", because she's a really kind and sweet person and I just love her, you know? She never voices these thoughts around people who are that way and even has Chinese friends herself, but once I ask her "what do you think your friends would feel if they knew you said things like that sometimes?" to which her response was basically "it's not like I'll ever say it to their face, that's rude, and I don't think they're any less humans than us, their country taking over the industrial world and music is just disgusting". Or she immediately demands the channel be changed if the tv is showing an LGBT couple (this is illegal in our country, we connect to foreign satellites which don't censor this).

Anyway. Sorry for the ramble. This leads me to two problems:

My brother is kinda short and skinny due to genetics. And when I say "kinda", I mean like, he's really, really small and tiny for his age and often gets mistaken for a preschooler or first grader. My mother worries over the fact that the boys at his school (since we're all being raised in the same toxic society, huzzah) bully him for being smaller than them. And K has a tendency to easily cry at insults, furthering this issue. I've talked to him several times on how he'll get a growth spurt and it's fine, but my mom's talks mainly consist of how he's a grown boy now and it's not nice for boys his age to cry in public like that. She also doesn't really like me getting "involved" in K's bullying issues. Please, PLEASE don't send any hate to my mom, okay guys? She's one of the best people I know.

The other issue here is that K technically IS growing up, but he's also learning some of the really uncomfortable aspects of this society by repeating things like "the referee for this soccer game probably let the other team win because he's Chinese" (to which I had to correct him and say the referee was actually Filipino, but never mind) or asking me with GENUINE curiosity if I, as a girl, play soccer at my school (he loves soccer so so much, I try to encourage this love for him).

I correct him on this stuff as much as I can, but honestly... sometimes I just don't. Sure, I think it's bad and all, but I (probably, I don't remember much) grew up being the same way considering the way our society is. And if I turned out nice enough, I'm sure he just needs to be the right age for some more technical guidance and all I can do here is randomly tell him he's wrong when he says this stuff. My mom just... she thinks it's a huge stretch to "call everything racism nowadays", which I think REALLY depends on the context! My brother says this stuff very, very rarely, but I don't think he really... gets /why/ it's bad, you know? Again, I'm mostly planning on giving him advice on occasion and letting him figure it out by himself, but I don't want him saying racist/antisemitic/sexist jokes by accident in public, less so because it might humiliate the family and more so because it might actually upset someone.

Again, WIBTA? Don't call my mom the asshole here, please. She's super extremely polite to everyone, calls for action against our dictatorship of a government, and gives medical care to her less financially stable patients for free (she's a doctor). She just has some little views here and there that are the result of her upbringing, same as ours are the result of what we experienced. I can wholeheartedly forgive her for that.

#aita #am i the asshole

[mcalhenwrites]

I'm honestly a little shaken up that anyone is looking forward to Geckos, Automata, or any of my writing. It's very nice, and thank you. ;A; Things have been hectic, and my goal of publishing Geckos kept getting pushed back. I wrote it in February of 2021. That was a very productive writing year for me. One of my better years in general, which... most of my years alive have mostly made me wish I wasn't alive. So yes, writing productively is good for my mental health! I lost three pets: Sept 2021, Holly had to be put to sleep. Augustus also had to be put to sleep in May of 2022. Mercedes then followed in April of 2023. All of them from old age, but it hurt. Holly's death especially still destroys me, because she was my first cat that I had wanted my entire life, and she was so perfect that I feared I'd never adopt another cat for fear that I'd only be seeking another Holly. And no cat is going to be anything but themselves. (I love BB and Millie, and Millie is clingy with me like Holly but still her separate self that I love so much.) I also had to break up with my partner last year. (About a year exactly, give or take a few days?) I was hurt over and over again and tried to address it, but nothing changed. Then there was the usual stress of my toxic home environment. Lastly, I moved from Kansas to Iowa. Right into a fucking nightmare of an apartment. I moved twice in two weeks because we couldn't stay there. We moved three days before Christmas. Then I had to sort through so much alongside that: banking woes, medical coverage, ID, phone number changes, etc. I'm finally settling into a new stage of life. One with more safety that I'm not used to having. I'm slowly realizing it might not all collapse on me, that this might actually work out. Financially, things are still tricky. Health is still a disaster, but at least I have coverage for a bit to hopefully address some issues. (Not sure that helps, though. I find that diagnoses end there. Actual treatment? The fuck is that. Especially when most of what I'm dealing with is chronic. If I have Sjogren's AND fibro is confirmed to be an autoimmune disorder, that means I have two autoimmune disorders, and Sjogren's could potentially do severe and fatal damage to my organs. If it isn't already.) So. Yeah. I finally am figuring shit out. Things are settling down. I live out in a quiet place surrounded by mostly fields and hills. I've been wrapped up in editing Geckos, and I'm excited. It's time to self-publish it. I've been wanting to, and it just gets delayed. I need to do this for me, even though I'm not quite ready to share my writing publicly. This is an exception, though, while I work on my confidence before I share anything more. I like this story. So yes. I hope others will as well. I hope I can stop thinking the silent thing in my head, where I go, "But maybe it isn't as good as you think it is, and you're making a fool of yourself." (Which proves that I do need to work on my confidence, and it could be a while. But I want to work on it, so that's progress?)

[talkingtea]

To that anon that’s ask was that baby in Fboys story his..

No that’s his niece that’s is his brother’s daughter. But even if it was his he wouldn’t aknowledge her 🤦🏽‍♀️

Fboy has a daughter from his first wife before he married Jewel and she has an older daughter from a previous relationship, which is his stepdaughter. And they got two kids together so altogether he has three biological daughters, and one step daughter.

You wouldn’t even know that he has a older daughter, because he never post her. He always say happy birthday to his stepdaughter and his other two kids, but never the oldest daughter from his first wife.

Yes, he was married before marrying his second wife, Jewel. What makes this so fucked up is he had a girlfriend that he was dating for three years. Went on a trip with her and she was posting him on her Instagram talking about couple goals. And the whole time he was cheating on her with another girl that he got pregnant and married her the following week.

And his girlfriend didn’t find out until she saw it on social media, that he got married to his girlfriend that he got pregnant.

He is so fucked up in the head, he’s been fucking up black women for years with no consequences.

And now he’s doing the same thing to CP and she don’t even know it just like all those other women he used in Abuse, mistreated, manipulated, mentally, emotionally, financially, Abuse them. 😣

I can’t wait to Karma does her big one because it’s overdue time for him he need to face some type of consequences, for what he has been putting black women through for years.

And he didn’t even go to prison when he killed his best friend while drinking and driving.

I just hope CP comes to her senses soon and get out of this toxic and unhealthy situationSHIP…

Because I know this is not the life that her mom and dad wanted for their baby girl. 😩

We wouldn’t put it past him to have some step daughter he doesn’t acknowledge on top of everything but he’s actually got 4 bio daughters. 1 from a previous relationship and three with Jewel, one of whom was severely preemie and still has medical/health issues that she’s got going on that Jewel mostly has to handle on her own because he’s never around 🙄

[smokeys-house]

Sorry for your loss, Smokey. It is always hard to lose someone close

thanks I appreciate that. yeah it's been real hard. I don't wanna talk alot about it here bc my blog is sposed to be a place for folks (including me) to escape to. I don't even usually like to talk about or reblog world events or anything on here.

I'm gonna say a few things about the situation under a cut, but I'll warn you it's really sad. Death tw I guess. It's also very personal but I need an outlet.

I'm serious when I warn that this is going to be a hard thing to read, and you don't have to read this. In fact I recommend you don't. I'll try to be succinct.

So basically my mom died. She wasn't super old, and she was mostly healthy in regards to that kind of thing. She had a lot of medical issues but none that would have taken her out this suddenly. I'm not strong enough to talk about what things may have happened, we don't really know yet either way until after they look at her a little longer.

I lost my dad when I was 8, and my extended family is mostly estranged. My support network is very thin, but for the most part I think we've got it handled for now. I don't want to get too personal, so I'm being a little vague. It's kinda just. Me and my siblings right now.

My mom's dogs are also very distressed, one of them is having seizure issues because getting him his medication on time is challenging since my mom handled that. Her other dog had troubles eating so she used to hand feed her, but now that she's not around to do it she won't eat. She's a bit older, so we're worried about her.

I'm also fairly young. I won't say how old I am but I'm in my 20s so I'm not really prepared for any of this. We have a lot of issues to sort out like phone plans, bills, her house, her car, and all her like. Special retirement and life plan stuff and what not. Dying costs a lot surprisingly, and the funeral costs alone are over $10,000 USD. That's not a typo nor a joke. Everything's been so impersonal and hard. Going through catalogues and discussing plans with the funeral home they talk about it like it's buying a used car.

Of course aside from the logistics side of things, like the bills and figuring out how to get the money together and how to be a fully sustainable and "got-my-shit-together" adult right out the gates, I'm also going through another death in the family. I've got very few people left. There are many things I wish I would've said or done or asked. I had a near complete breakdown, I'd go into details on things but honestly it's just. Really really sad even for someone else to just read. Even now I'm either barely functional or I'm in full repression mode. The dogs keep looking for her, it's incredibly heartbreaking. I keep "forgetting" what's happened and why I feel so weird and why certain people are here or why I can't do certain things.

When I lost my dad, I lost my ability to tell time and dates. That's also not a joke. The grief effected my entire life until this point. I'm intellectually and emotionally stunted for a number of reasons, that included. I have been diagnosed with PTSD from how things happened with my dad. I'm not a well adjusted adult. I've had so many setbacks and issues that I'm basically in my third childhood now. I'm worried as to what will happen to me mentally following this. I've never been very stable. I've got a lot of issues.

Baseline, I'm not well right now. Things are going to be very hard in the coming days. Idk what's going to happen with everything. Financially, I don't make much and my siblings don't make much either. We don't have a lot of time to come up with the money and there are a lot of other considerations to make. Emotionally is one thing, but I don't even know if I'm going to have a home or internet. I think I will. But it's hard to think about just now. I'm not sure if I'll be posting donation links bc it's a lot of personal IRL information but if I run out of options I'll post about it I'm sure.

It's taking a lot just to keep things kinda ordinary typing on here. In truth I want to say a lot. I want to say a great many things. There's nobody for me to say them to. There's so much. There's so much

#death mention #smokey answers

[nakianshuri]

Looking back at seasons 1 through 3, I think Jonathan as a character suffered not because of Steve's popularity--or to make Steve look better in comparison--but because they put him with Nancy too quickly and removed him from his own storyline in order to become a secondary character in hers.

So far, Jonathan had his biggest storyline in season 1 when he interacts with Joyce and Will primarily. That's his world. Nancy only really comes in because they face the same trauma, but as soon as Will is rescued, Nancy becomes the one with the trauma. Her pain becomes the center of their relationship, not his trauma because as Nancy said, Will returned. Barb didn't. While she takes a leadership role in getting justice for Barb, Jonathan is completely separated from the biggest storyline of the season: Will. He's a tertiary character in Will's S2 drama when he was initially introduced as his sole Will's protector.

Season 2 is Will's biggest season to date, and Jonathan misses most of it because he's off with Nancy. Instead it's Joyce who gets the most to work with because of Will's Mindflayer possession. Joyce gets her own storyline with Bob and Hopper, and Hopper gets material to work with because of El. Mike also gets a good amount of storyline to work with because of Will and El. Basically, everyone involved with Will's S2 drama gets to benefit from that. Jonathan is mostly removed from it because...he's off with Nancy. He doesn't interact with anyone else in any significant way either. He's not with Will's friends, doesn't really do much with Bob, has no relationship to Billy, has no onscreen interaction with Steve.

Will takes a backseat in s3, and Jonathan is once again a secondary character in Nancy's storyline. S3 is even worse for Jonathan because the J*ncy storyline is really Nancy's storyline about her need to follow her truth and the power of her own investigative skills, which Jonathan initially doubts because they threaten his job.

I think the tensions between them in the third season could have been interesting, but we never see Jonathan's POV. He's wrong imo to disregard Nancy's feelings, but the season should have still delved into his financial problems or even the trust issues Murray brought up in season 2. The problem is that none of Jonathan's problems have anything to do with main S3 storyline. Nancy's problems, however, do. She's the one who is right about what's going on in Hawkins. Once again, she's the leader in the relationship, and Jonathan is the follower. J*ncy is really Nancy's storyline in s2 and 3; it's a prism through which we learn about how she responds to trauma, and we see her in a leadership role when Jonathan follows her or gets out of her way. Do we learn anything about Jonathan's issues from this relationship?

That's where S4 comes in and gives Jonathan a friend for the very first time because he's separated from Nancy. And we hear that perhaps it's been Nancy making plans about their future, and he's been...silent? Agreeing that he'll once again follow her dreams while secretly planning to do something else entirely? Is he afraid of losing her? Not really if, as Argyle says, he's slow motion breaking up with her. So why can't feel free to express himself in this relationship? Will we finally get to see what he's been dealing with?

Of course, his best scenes imo are with Will, because that's when he returns to something resembling a storyline about him and what he cares about. Contrary to what I've read here, I think s4 is maybe not Jonathan as his best but at his most interesting because we get a hint that something is bothering him. For the sake of his character, I hope we get to see why he's been self-medicating and perhaps a recognition that feels trapped perhaps both by his responsibilities to his family and his relationship with Nancy, which is why he seemed to disappear from both of them until the end of the season.

So...Jonathan as a character doesn't suffer because of Steve's popularity or to make Steve look better in comparison. In S1 and 2, Steve was made to look worse in comparison to Jonathan, and Steve still got his own storyline. The problem is how his relationship with Nancy has been written since s2 (and I'd argue s1 highlights her feelings for him more than his feelings for her) erased his connections to Will and Joyce, who are his saving grace as a character.

#stranger things #jonathan byers #this isn't Jonathan hate #just critique and observations #and a chance to sort out my own thoughts #basically I don’t think j@ncy has been ‘good’ for Jonathan #and it’s more interesting to me to see them as just a relationship that might have worked on paper

[neyomiyi]

The Chronicles Behind My Purple Pink Skies

The First Strand of the Rainbow 

Even though I do not remember how it started, my parents told me all about it. 

This is mostly how I am hard to raise. From how I was born until I got in my hospital phase. I was born with jaundice and blood problems. Later on, I developed some kidney problems. I was hospitalized for a year. That’s why at such a young age, injections are something I do not fear. I remember how nurses play with me or how I show my arm just to get the medicine my body needs to intake. Until now, I have had a lot of medical problems but it did not become a hindrance for me to try new things or be adventurous in any way. I am the baby who doesn't finish any meal, until now I do that. But instead of wasting food, I am sharing it with people I love. Or mostly I gave it to them to finish it and not waste any. Either way, the first years of my life were hard but it never stopped me from taking the rainbow and its first strand.

The Strawberry Morning Shower

I was born on Wednesday of November 17, 2004. And based on that little rhyme, “Wednesday's child is full of woe.” When I was four, all I did was weeping on the floor. I am used to shed tears until my eyes are sore. I have 3 siblings with a 2 years age gap continuously. I was the 3rd among the four. I have an older sister, older brother, and a younger sister. Being 5 years old and growing up with my younger sister was not easy to do. She and I fight until we go to bed. If she pulls my hair, I’m gonna push her down the stairs. That kind of reciprocating the energy back. After being weak because of my medicine intakes, my siblings made me strong by bickering with them every other day. Because of that I became a strawberry who’s as sweet and a little sour (only with my younger sister) with the freshness of morning shower as I get to live like a kid again. 

The Sunshine in the Yellow Rain

I am sunny as the sun and active as the clouds. I am happy like the color yellow and mellow like a cello. 

Being 10 and trying to fit in was something I never knew I would actually do. Staying in the province for 8 years then switching in the city was terrifying enough if you would ask a child. They have this fancy stuff that I did not fancy at all when I was in my sub-urban hometown. I was raised with my cousins and siblings. I was raised in an extended family with my neighborhood casually coming in our house and kids my age playing everyday outside. This city was not good for me in my first years. I was bullied on my first day and I did not foresee many happenings in our new house. We have a lot of problems financially and about house management. More like a maid who has real anger issues to be honest. Yellow rains are toxic, like my life in these years. But I never lose hope nor happiness in those days, I am still the sunshine of my own life. 

The Blue Gray Clouds Entering 

The blue gray clouds are entering simultaneously with my menstruation and more serious problems with my family. 

All happened when I was thirteen in 2017. I was starting my years as a junior high school student, one thing in these years I wish I was told. “You have to strengthen your heart for every rain that might turn into a hurricane.” We had this family problem that was made when I was not even born. It was made by my grandmother and my parents and their siblings have piled up more problems above it. Now, me and my cousins also have to carry the burden of it. Doing it while struggling to be the top of the class was my own kind of torture, if you would asked me. I have one aim in junior high school and that is to be one of the director’s list. I strive for that validation. I think as a teenager, I thought a lot about how to help but I ended up crying day after day because I cannot solve anything. 2019 came and things became the worst. My parents’ mothers were both hospitalized and me and my siblings were left behind. All along in that dinner table waiting for them to get home. 3 months of waiting was too long. So I seeked some attention from some guy… yup, ew. It did not go well. My mental stabiltiy? Wreck. My heart? Broken. My reputation? Ruined. My solution? Death. But I didn't do it. I’m still writing this piece to tell my story. 

These days were awfully painful. Just like how the rain makes anything sad. The blue gray clouds remind me of how everything is painful at night. Begging for everything to change and make it alright. 

The Purple Pink Skies Devouring 

As I tried to bury myself while looking at the gray sky, I never thought that I could rise up to look up at my favorite purple pink skies. 

The pandemic started as well as picking my broken pieces. I have read and read romance books to get other perspectives to understand why I deserve to be treated the way people treat me. Online class started and I hung out with my friends while doing schoolworks. The only goal was to survive and to focus on academics. No other things until I was healed. 1 year has passed and I feel like I was stuck on the loop of the trauma I was in 2019. I thought I’ll never get better not until I finally have to get out again and meet people again. I have learned a lot of things by watching my friends grow up, they have created themselves and I was so proud. The sister I always fought with when I was a little kid was now one of the closest people I’m with. We are better at communicating now. The family problem was still the same but I can handle it better now. I have friends I can rely on and who can protect me from things I fear and dislike. I completely gave up reaching that director’s list. But just when I don’t give any thought to it, the universe gives it to me. I am enjoying my studies as well as the company I have in school. 

The thing I feared a lot was being alone but there is a rainbow after the rain. I feared that it would never be better. But at the end of the day, there would be purple pink sunsets that would not mark as an ending but a sign that there is going to be a new beginning. 

#autobiography

[croctus]

4 for mr clawhammer, mr grimshaw, and miss mobius?

YO HI THANKS FOR THE ASK!!!

this is a fun one, ill get detailed w/ it

4. What is their relationship with their parents? What’s a good and bad memory with them? Did they know both parents?

CLAWHAMMER-

his relationship with his parents was... STRAINED, to say the least. and a lot of his baggage and emotional issues can probably be fairly easily traced to things he's stuck with because of them.

his father was, of course, the former Captain Clawhammer, south district born and raised, and a very very successful supervillain. his intentions were always to teach his son to be as strong, resilient, driven, and ruthless as himself at whatever the cost. he scorned any degree of emotional vulnerability or mercy

nael REALLY admired him, to a fault, and to this day mostly internalizes his more cruel/cold traits and choices as a father- such as waking him up in the middle of the night to spar or intentionally putting him in very dangerous situations.

his MOTHER meanwhile is entirely unlike this. she's a native of north district, and her culture has always been very high-society and appearance focused. although she much more pushes for open communication and emotional intelligence, any degree of 'messy emotions are highly frowned upon.

she's very against clawhammer's villainy- not necessarily for the fact that it puts her son in danger, but that its terribly low-brow and brutal work. she considers him much too smart for such nonsense!

although she's still very much alive, she's long since divorced herself of the whole operation, and has not much made the effort to reach out to her orphaned kid who now lives alone in a large industrial penthouse. go figure.

GRIMSHAW-

funny enough, despite grim being a cold, calculating, kind of eerie scientist, his folks are both very loving and supportive people. in fact, they inspired a degree of the design he made for his prosthetic legs! (being, a highly successful ballerina and a famous sculptor)

he stopped living with them around age 12, at which point they were doing all they could to provide medical care and disability assistance to their shy little boy, but once he went to study at Marunoko and begin his career and skyrocketed to fame as a medical prodigy, he did not speak to them again until he was already 19!

these days, he acts somewhat distant and professional around them, but makes a reserved effort to keep them in his life.

they are... a bit concerned for his health, but ecstatic for his career success.

MOBIUS-

so mob was raised by a single father and never much knew any other parental figure. he was sort of ditzy and often absent, but a very loving and kind person- an archeologist specializing in the pre-war world! sadly though this meant working long, long hours. mob sort of had to learn how to help in taking care of bills and food for them both at a young age, however they never took much issue with it.

mob actually enrolled in the nanobot program that would eventually make them a supersoldier/superhero due to the financial support itd provide their dad, and that it would allow him to live comfortably.

ironically these days, theyre the one who works long hours, and they rarely see much of him anymore

#thank you!!!

[meg2md]

I'm seriously just like, trying to figure out how to be a normal human being right now. I've got some serious emotional co-dependency issues I'm working on. You know, get out of a long-term relationship, enter a new one, move to a new city, spend all of your time oscillating between putting up huge emotional walls and being the clingiest person on earth. When I was back in school before this huge life change, I was able to feel FREE. I felt this huge weight off my shoulders, like the world was mine for the taking and I was finally going to figure out WHO I AM.

Which sounded great and all, but then I moved to a new city where I'm the only intern in my class living without a partner in-house, and I haven't made friends because all I know is residency, and I've been on an off-service rotation so I haven't even been able to make friends with my co-residents, and also I got COVID-19 so I was a social pariah for 2 weeks. Meanwhile my friends from medical school seem to be thriving in residency.

I'm.... fine?

And truly I WILL BE FINE, I just need to get my head out of my ass and finally take advantage of this huge opportunity to BECOME WHO I AM instead of wallowing because I'm lonely and I'm scared my new partner (who is long-distance) will break up with me. WHAT KIND OF EXISTENCE IS THAT??? It is EXACTLY the kind of existence I was trying to AVOID when I broke up with my other partner!!!!!

MEGGGGGGGGGG

Sometimes I do be a big dummy

I've started!! I had to turn off my phone because I was being addicted to stalking social media. I went to the gym. I'm doing reading to prepare for L&D (that being said, I read about the placenta and I still don't understand the placenta, tbh I think I will never understand the placenta), and maybe in a bit I'll play some video games.

So what do I want Free Meg to be??? Well, she's FIT AS FUCK and maybe even has abs, she likes to bike and hike, but she also lifts sometimes. She reads young adult science fiction and fantasy, and also regular adult science fiction and fantasy. Sometimes she gets into random non-fiction topics like North Korea and political biographies/histories of current events. She likes podcasts on current events only, mostly, because she's bad at listening to most things. She's financially conservative. She's decorated her apartment really cute and there's plants and fairy lights! She likes skin care and video games. And she's funny but her humor is really stupid. Also she's great at her job. She's really smart, and a great resident teacher. She's into her job! It's a bit of a calling!

Anyway emotional co-dependency is a bitch but we out here tryin' our best

[sheepdogsandsidesaddle]

I feel safe enough in my anonymity to post something here, so I will.

This last week has sucked majorly in terms of my pet(s) medical needs vs care received. A week ago, Fly had her x-ray that showed one large puppy. I asked my vet if I should go ahead with a C-section and was told she shouldn't have a problem. When I asked what the plan would be if she did have a problem, it was waved off. Monday, Fly ended up needing an emergency C-section after being in stage one labor all weekend, then losing her mucus plug and not progressing in less than four hours. Fine, whatever, it was a possibility that I was financially and emotionally prepared for. I was a little peeved about my initial worry being brushed off, but mostly just grateful that the clinic got her in and under and done in less than two hours without any trouble.

Fast forward to today when I took Dutch in to have his declaws removed. Dutch came out of the oven with three rear dewclaws; one on the left hind, and two on the right hind. In my experience, rear dewclaws are usually loosely connected, non-functional, and prone to injury or impromptu "amputation in the field", so I opted to have them removed, especially the double dewclaw. I loaded Fly, Dutch, and K (my boyfriend) up in the car and went to the clinic, who took us as a walk in without issue. Everything is curbside, so when I called to say we arrived, I specified with the desk to ONLY remove Dutch's rear dewclaws. When a tech came out and told us there wasn't an exam room open for us all to go in, I opted to let her take just Dutch in so as not to clog up the works by taking up a room they could be getting a scheduled client into, since we just came as a walk in. Specified again with the tech that I only wanted Dutch's rear dewclaws removed and to leave the fronts on. She told me no problem and that they'd be right back out.

She came out with my puppy missing all of his declaws.

She told me the vet said it was just better to get them all done at once, so he went ahead against my request for my dog's care and just removed all of them. I was so upset I cried while she got me a receipt and cried the whole way home. Myself and my family have been going to see this vet for 12-15 years at this point. We've referred our own friends, family members, clients, and neighbors because we have always been happy with the care taken. For my explicit request to be ignored for something completely irreversible is an insurmountable offense.

I called the clinic this afternoon after much debating and tears and asked to speak to the clinic manager and was told she would have to talk to the vet before contacting me. The worst part of all this is that there is nothing they can do to make this up to me. His declaws can't be put back on. It's not worth the $13 to be refunded. I just wish it never happened. I wish I wasn't ignored. I wish I had gone ahead and waited for a room instead of trying to be polite. I'm just sick over it.

#dutch #virtual cowboy litter?

[truthteller-lumen]

Nox (cynicallyinkless, fiveminutemeal, lorimer-no, etc) is an internet predator, a scammer, and a chronic liar. Here’s what you need to know.

He always made it seem like I had a choice and free will but... he manipulated me so bad that leaving wasn’t an option because I felt so bad for him. It’s so insidious. - one of Nox’s many ex-partners

Nox (Noximillian, Noxim Raven, Cynicallyinkless, @SirAlthair, @SirAlthairx,  fiveminutemeal, onehalfdime, lorimer-no) is an internet predator.

He has pursued teenagers and young women nearly 10 years his junior. He is 32 and his latest partner was 19.

He has emotionally abused his numerous partners via gaslighting, emotionally manipulative language, and negging, as well as other abusive tactics.

He has cheated on his partners with multiple other women_. _Though he claims to be in happily polyamorous relationships, many of the partners he was dating were not happy about the situation. He often kept the truth about his other partners from them.

He has lied about his entire identity to his partners, up to and including faking his own voice and sending pictures and nudes that were not of him. He also lied about other details of his life, such as his family structure (claiming his mother was dead and that he had adopted a daughter) and his educational status (claiming he had finished his degree), which leads to: 

He has accepted nearly $3500 from his friends in order to fund his education, then did not finish his degree. What the money was used for is unclear, but he took multiple expensive trips with his friends after receiving the cash.

Be aware. Know the facts. Protect yourself. If you’re in a relationship like this, seek help immediately. If you see the warning signs of a relationship like this, get out as fast as you can.

More information is below the cut.

Nox’s accounts and handles are listed at the bottom of the article. Want more details? Read on.

There was one girl, first. Then more, younger and younger. More trusting, more accepting, more susceptible to his abuse. He had them compete for his attention, let them fight among themselves. And he lied to them, over and over again. He let them throw their whole lives away, their finances, their hearts, for someone who didn’t really exist.

This is a story of abuse, lies, and manipulation. This is a story that we never want to see repeated again.

Names have been censored. Labels may not be consistent between conversations to protect the identities of those speaking.

---

Nox met us when we were all teenagers. Young adults. - one of Nox’s many ex-partners

Nox has pursued girls over 10 years his junior.

Over the years, the ages of the partners Nox has taken has trended downwards dramatically. When the people his age began to reject him for his behavior, he wandered until he found a group he was accepted by.

First, she was 28. Then, 22. Then, 19. And that’s not even the complete list. 

Though she was 13 years his junior, Nox would often talk to his youngest partner in disturbing ways, including the topic of pregnancy, to the point where she had already rewritten her entire life plan after college just to accommodate having a child with him.

Even those who were not romantically involved with him were subject to sexual talk, including minors:

He cased these girls. He approached the most vulnerable, easily isolated ones.

He went after me after prodding around and kinda guessing I wasn't too close with people that didn't like him. - one of Nox’s many ex-partners

These girls were not only subject to romantic advances, but gaslighting, abuse, and controlling behavior, as well.

---

If I did anything he didn’t like or if I offered that I didn’t like something, he would just stop communicating and talking to me for days on end. - one of Nox’s many ex-partners

Nox has emotionally abused his partners.

The common thread in the swathe of abuse he has cut over the past 10+ years is control. Don’t drink, he’d say. Don’t cut your hair. Don’t leave me, or I’ll kill myself. Every action he’d take - from punishing his partners with the silent treatment to ranting and raving at them when something didn’t go his way - was taken with the intent to control their actions.

Below is an account from his longest partner of 9 years.

After breaking up with this partner, he posted to Tumblr, implying that they were the one who had broken up with him:

But the breakup was anything but shitty. In fact, he was the one who had initiated it:

A benign breakup, initiated by him, over increasing distance.

His posts on Tumblr were no more than sharpened knives, directed at his ex of 9 years. Look at how much you’ve hurt me. Look, this is all your fault.

At the time he posted these posts, he had already been dating his 19-year-old partner for several months.

Not even his youngest partners were safe from his controlling behavior.

He used them against each other:

He isolated them from their real-world communities:

He isolated them from online friends whom he knew would expose his abuse for what it was:

And he tried to control what they did in their free time:

He would fly off the rails if he thought they disobeyed him, in this case for drinking when he didn’t want them to:

And if he didn’t get his way, he would threaten suicide:

---

He said he was poly... but he couldn’t tell his other girlfriends about me yet. Not until we were fully fully official... I didn’t know when he could say we were official, though. So I believed him about it. Only then I realized that he was hiding me from his other flings and partners. - one of Nox’s many ex-partners

Nox has cheated on his partners.

He justifies it under the guise of polyamory. The girls, a decade his junior, would often be led to believe that they were the most special girlfriend, and he made no attempt to communicate otherwise. Despite this, he would often claim that he was “single” while telling his younger flings that they were still dating.

His ex of 9 years didn’t know about any of these girls. He never told her.

---

The way he talks is so smooth and persuasive, it's so easy to be manipulated. I’m just crying so hard because it was a lie. I gave myself up to a liar and a fraud and my heart can't accept it yet. - one of Nox’s many ex-partners

Nox lied about his entire identity to his partners and friends. He is a chronic liar.

To his close friends, his mother was dead, and he’d adopted a daughter. His family had abandoned him, he was living alone, and he needed help financially. These were all things they were told, and they believed him.

His mother is alive. There is no daughter. He lives with his family.

Fake dead mom.

Fake adopted daughter.

To his partners, he portrayed himself as a charming, handsome man. He sent nudes that were not his own. The selfies he sent didn’t match up with his real life appearance. He used a voice modulator to fool them into thinking he was someone he wasn’t. His web of lies is so deep that no one is sure what the truth is.

He pretended to be a cis man to his partner, and made sexual advances on her without disclosing otherwise. He is not a cis man, and the terms of his partner’s consent were violated.

The explicit picture he sent to her to further the lie of being a cis man was pulled from PornHub.

No one is really sure who the person in his selfies is.

He used a voice modulator to pretend he was someone he was not. (Full disclosure: getting closer to being someone you’re comfortable with is totally fine, and if using a voice modulator does that for you, then go for it. The chronic lying to partners that deserved full disclosure before intimacy is the issue here.)

He kept everything from his partners.

---

He mostly came to me for money because I helped pay his tuition for 3 years on my own. Thinking that I was helping to support him when his family wouldn’t... But turns out I was just being used. - one of Nox’s ex-friends

Nox accepted a large sum of money from his friends in goodwill to pay for his tuition. It’s unclear where the money went.

He lied to them, saying that his family had abandoned him and that he was living alone, unable to pay for his tuition. Despite struggling financially themselves, his friend and ex contributed $3500 to his education.

First, his friend contributed nearly a grand to his education while living on minimum wage.

Then, his ex contributed a whopping 2.4 grand.

He accepted this money happily, and recently informed the first friend, who had not kept up with him in a while, that he had graduated medical school.

But other friends with more recent experience thought otherwise. Below is a quote from yet another ex who knew him closely and recently.

And very recently, he contacted his ex of 9 years - the one who had contributed 2.4 grand - to tell her that he had not, in fact, used the money towards his schooling, or finished his schooling at all. He lied.

A poor, ailing young brother who needed money for his future. He spun his use of their generous aid as a good deed.

But was it even used that way at all?

He would often go on lavish and expensive trips with one of his younger partners at the same time that he was receiving money from his friends. Below is a receipt from a trip he took together with that partner, correlated with the timing of the money he received.

This happened while he was still dating the first ex who had donated 2.4 grand to his tuition. 

If he was strapped for money, why was he taking expensive trips with his side flings? If he needed to fund his brother’s future, why was he paying for lavish accommodations for him and his friends?

And why was he buying expensive gifts for them, too? Below is a quote from another younger partner (different from the one above).

_

If even one more girl reads this and realizes she’s in danger, then it was worth it. - an anonymous contributor

Know what abuse looks like. It could happen to you.

If your relationship looks even remotely like this, heavily consider whether or not you feel happy being there. If you’re working to escape a relationship like this, we see you. We believe in you.

If you are in a relationship with Nox and want to seek help, or have an experience you want to share, our ask box is open. Your personal information will not be published.

The following are some resources on what abuse looks like and how to escape it:

What are the signs of emotional abuse?

5 signs of emotional abuse

5 ways to escape an abusive relationship

Be wary of who you speak to online. There are more people like this out there. It is not a crime to be loving, trustful and kind, but it is unforgivable for someone to abuse that trust, to lie and to manipulate their way into receiving kindness.

And all abusers get their due. Nox, this is yours.

Get some fucking help. Stop abusing young women.

---

Nox’s handles and accounts

Nox has been known as:

Nox, Noximillian, Noxim Raven, Cynicallyinkless, @SirAlthair, @SirAlthairx,  fiveminutemeal, onehalfdime, lorimer-no

On the online game Final Fantasy XIV, he is Balthier Strahll on Mateus at the time of writing. His character ID is 20282710. He is active in the RP community on Crystal datacenter and frequents player-run RP establishments such as “The Gilded Knob” on Malboro.

This blog will be updated with any other handles or accounts as they become known to us. Have an account that isn’t listed here? Send us a message.

[verse50]

Word for the Year: Compassion

It’s been one year to the day I last traveled interstate and was in a crowded building full of unmasked people. It’s surreal, typing that. Back then I didn’t have time to think about the creeping change as my medical career shifted into quantum overdrive. This put my writing on a distant shelf, one I quietly observed and engaged with only briefly for twelve long months. 

Although I was mostly disengaged, the fans were not. During this time I discovered readers were interacting with certain older stories. Reblogs, comments, messages, hearts- it just would not quit. The same ones, again and again without fail. After awhile I noticed a pattern. These were stories with no lurid scenes or explicit dialogue. They were mostly stories of “no.” A Dom hears her safeword and stops the scene, gives her water, cuddles, and soothing conversation before a hot bath (Aftercare). A couple gears up for fun impact play but when she starts to cry he stops and asks what’s wrong? All the problems start tumbling out as he listens, puts up the toys, showers her, then whispers “I’ll take care of you” as she falls asleep (Presence). Fans were going crazy for these stories and I wondered why.

It’s because the characters were compassionate to each other. 

We all know that a safeword is sacrosanct and must be listened to without delay, then followed up with appropriate aftercare. But what is the trigger for that? A rule, a written contract? Those can be broken and ignored, especially in the heat of the moment. What is the internal trigger to stop, listen, and change behavior? It’s compassion. And for it to become a reflexive response, it must be honed, practiced, and centered at the core of the moral compass. We might encounter compassion as a child when a caregiver soothes our scraped knee or when we stop to for a hurt puppy in the ditch but in relationships? Compassion is never edgey enough to be at the top of the “must have” list. This past year taught me that we are starved for compassion. Why?

We are beset on every side by a lack of compassion eroding our intimate relationships, our family networks, careers, financial and social systems, governance, academia, and healthcare. Lack of compassion tells us to ignore problems and forge ahead as if nothing is wrong, as if American-born Black mothers aren’t dying at a higher rate than other developed countries and insulin prices aren’t soaring. Lack of compassion prevents Black communities from accessing capital for infrastructure improvements. Lack of compassion prohibits undocumented meatpackers from being Covid vaccinated (an epidemiological nightmare). Lack of compassion helps banks harvest $11 billion in overdraft fees from low monthly deposit accounts, making the owners vulnerable to account closings and subsequent predatory check cashing services. Lack of compassion divides migrant families, reduces healthcare access in private prisons, and traumatizes abuse victims who in turn victimize others. Lack of compassion makes critical infrastructure vulnerable to weather and utility breakdowns. When we look closely, lack of compassion blinds us to problem origins, ignores warning signs, disregards emotional response, and (once the problem is too big to ignore), discounts it as if it weren’t really there at all. 

For too long now, lack of compassion has been sold to us as strength and resilience when the opposite is actually true. Lack of compassion is an illusion of functionality that breaks down under the slightest test. It is the hallmark of pushing responsibility under the rug, passing the buck, and ignoring your intimate partner’s concerns because they are too much work. It comes across as dominant when it's just opportunist. It appears competent when it actually can’t produce. At the end of the day, lack of compassion wants a reward for doing the absolute minimum. 

Compassion, on the other hand, actually does the work. Compassion sees a problem, listens to the concerns, and develops solutions. Compassion discovered insulin and the polio vaccine. Compassion is World Central Kitchen employing restaurants and feeding vulnerable populations on every continent. Compassion is grassroots disaster relief for a storm-battered state. Compassion helps us recover from trauma. Compassion draws a line in the sand, listens to that “no”, and immediately changes behavior. It creates boundaries. Why is this so important?

Compassion is the most vital element to creating a functional society. It forms bonds and solves problems. Above all, it protects us from the most dangerous tendencies of our own humanity. Unmitigated, humans will run amok in selfishness, high on dopamine from their own power. Educated compassion, ingrained via authority figure examples, will veer us away from the precipice of collective annihilation. It prevents us from seeing any human as “other”, or less than- a root of abuse and eventual genocide.

You will see compassion marketed as “soft”, good for children and sick people, animals, and non-profit spreadsheets. In general, it is valued outside private sector discussions, especially finance or infrastructure. You will see it mentioned as a trauma recovery tool, but not a trauma prevention tool. Why? Compassion literally creates innovation, design, better practices, clear communication, and addresses problems in the early, manageable stage before millions of dollars are spent on fixing something spiraling out of control. I am telling you, lack of compassion is the core of so. many. issues. If Halliburton had compassion for the environment and the lives of oil rig workers, they would not have ignored the unstable cement in the Deepwater Horizon wells.

All of these compounding issues make us feel trapped in a web that doesn’t care, doesn’t listen, and never notices when we voice a concern. Those stories the fans love? They gravitate to them because finally, here is a window into the sunlight, a place where I am treated as a human being should be. I can speak. I will be seen and listened to. Behavior will change appropriately. I won’t be pushed to the limits of my endurance or be forced to lash out in self-defense.

The deepest intimate desire is not always an orgasm or kink. It is compassion. This is what people need, what they are crying out for in the rest of society. The same values that bond us intimately are the ones we want patterned in the world around us. This should be our focus after the stress of last year- how do we heal? How do we help each other survive? 

Remember, compassion always does the work when nothing else will.

This is the annual Word for the Year published originally on Patreon.

#verse50 original #compassion #inspirational #motivation #values

[jerzwriter]

Meet Kaycee - from infancy to med school

First... About the photos:

Kaycee's mom supplied the baby and two childhood photos; the other two were found on old social media pages

Kaycee loved riding her bike all around Philly as a child. The thing she got in trouble for most of all was traveling further than she was allowed to go, and she never learned.

The lower left is Kaycee presenting at a science fair. Her dad said that this was the day he knew she would be a doctor.

The baby photo was taken on her grandparent’s farm and what else can we say, she was adorable.

Kaycee's best friend in HS posted the yoga photo on her Facebook page. She wanted to kill her at the time but now thinks it's funny.

Oh, the photo on the lower right! That is Kaycee & Tomas on a spring break trip to Cozumel when she was a junior in college. When asked about it, she said, “Yeah, I had it going on.”

Young Casey

· Kaycee was born to David & Rose MacTavish in Philadelphia, PA. Her father was a high school teacher at a small Catholic school, and her mother was a part-time editor for a local newspaper. The family was considered lower-middle-income, and they really struggled financially at times.

· Rose became very ill when Kaycee was four and spent the next 2 years in and out of hospitals. This impacted Kaycee profoundly in many ways. This was where her anxiety disorder originated. The financial toll of medical bills was devastating. This helped shape her attitudes about social inequity and access to medical services. Lastly, this is where Dr. Kaycee MacClennan was born, she never shared that desire until she was in high school, but one night she promised all her stuffed animals that she was going to be a doctor and make people like her mom better. She still has two of those stuffed animals today, and she treasures them.

· She was an only child, and she liked that very much. She is very close with both of her parents.

· Kaycee spent some of her summers with her grandparents, who lived on a farm in rural PA.

· She was a city kid and she loved it. She says the diversity, exposure to different cultures and learning street smarts helped make her the person she is today, and she is grateful. Oh, and sidewalks. She didn’t realize places don’t have them until she moved to the suburbs, and she wasn’t pleased.

· Her dad eventually became a principal at a suburban Philly HS and her mom began working full-time for a publisher in Philly. They bought a house in Berwyn, PA, an affluent suburb, but Kaycee was never happy there. The adjustment was hard, and this is when she began to have increased anxiety issues.

· While she was in Philly, she had a lot of friends. The kids on her block played together riding bikes, playing stickball, and eventually going to parks and museums. In Berwyn, she never found a clique, but she was friendly with most classmates.

· Her hobbies included reading, she is an avid reader to this day. She also began ice skating on her grandparent’s frozen pond as soon as she could walk. Her Dad started taking her to public rinks in Philly. She was quite good and at one time considered competing; but her studies were too important to her, so she declined.

High School Kaycee

· Kaycee loathed the cliques and sports culture of high school.

· She threw herself into her studies and was determined to get into her dream college and become a doctor.

· She didn’t date, not because she wasn’t asked, she was asked a lot. She was focused on herself and, with the little spare time she had, she preferred to be with her friends or her cousins.

· She joined the debate team and joined track, mostly because she needed extra-curriculars on her college apps. Though she did enjoy performing in two high school plays.

· When it came time to apply to college, she was very nervous and her anxiety disorder started to get worse, her parents were always supportive and got her the help she needed.

· In the end, she was accepted to every school she applied to, including several Ivies. She chose to go to NYU because they gave her the largest scholarship and she absolutely loved NYC.

College Kaycee

· Being back in an urban environment was everything to her. She would spend hours walking all over; she wanted to explore and learn about every area in her new hometown.

· She usually studied on the lawn of Washington Square Park, even bundled up in the winter.

· Her love for musicals developed at this time and she found every possible way to get cheap tickets to Broadway plays.

· While she loved city life, she began to see the vast inequities that existed based on race, income level, sexual orientation, and gender. She was determined to be part of the solution and she volunteered for several organizations, especially ones that helped children and young people.

· She became an activist and learned about organizing and lobbying. This is how she met her first serious boyfriend, Tomas Sanchez.

· She met Tomas at a rally in Union Square, and they were immediately attracted to one another. They went to lunch after and ended up talking (and making out) until 2 AM the next day. They both attended NYU, and he was a grad student studying psychology. Both dedicated students who were also very busy with the causes they believed in, neither wanted a serious relationship, but they fell for each other hard. Just one month after meeting, they were exclusive and inseparable, and Kaycee all but moved into his Gramercy Park apartment. They were very much in love and thought they would end up married, but when he graduated 2-years later, he was offered a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity in Los Angeles, and Kaycee knew her future was not there. They were both devastated by their breakup, but they remained friends, even to this day.

· After that, she swore off relationships in college and med school

Med School Kaycee:

· She was back in Philly and she was HAPPY about it. Once she got her acceptance to U Penn School of Medicine, she all but packed.

· She was a devoted student and a favorite of everyone who taught her. She was determined to make a difference in the world of medicine.

· She volunteered with a local charity that provided medical care to the homeless and those without the means to pay. This was the best experience of her life and will have a role in where her future lies after her residency ends. (More to come.)

· Kaycee still missed Tomas, and he still missed her. They tried having a long-distance relationship a couple of times, but they knew that would never work, so they stayed friends.

· She began to come to terms with her own sexuality at this time and came out as bisexual. Most of her family and friends were very supportive of her, and she considered herself blessed because she saw the horror stories some friends endured.

· In med school, she had two casual relationships, one with Jessica Phillips and one with Jeremy Jackson. Jessica was a fellow med school student, and Jeremy was an attending at a local hospital. They met while volunteering at the same clinic. In both cases, they cared for each other very much and had a lot of fun, but Kaycee and Jessica both wanted to keep it less serious. Both had been burned in past relationships, and they knew that their residencies would likely take them apart. Jeremy would have been happy to settle down with Kaycee, but he knew she was not in that place. She is still in touch (loosely) with both today.

· It was during this time that she became familiar with Dr. Ethan Ramsey’s work and decided she wanted to get into the elite residency program at Edenbrook in Boston.

@openheartfanfics

Permatags: @adiehardfan @barbean @binny1985 @bluebelle08

@bluerosesbloom @brokenmemoriesblog @charisworld @chemist-ana @custaroonie @everybodyscreamsposts @izzyourresidentlawyer @jamespotterthefirst @jennieausten @kachrisberry @lady-calypso @liaromancewriter @mia143 @mjlbwork @mm2305 @phoenixrising308 @pixelberrygirl @schnitzelbutterfingers @secretaryunpaid @shewillreadyou @shygirl4295 @thegreentwin @txfledglingscribe @wanderingamongthewildflowers

OH Tags: @aishwarya26 @alina-yol-ramsey @chaoticchopshopheart @choicesaddict5 @coffeeheartaddict @dorisz @heleus @imma-too-many-fandoms @kat-tia801 @lucy-268 @panda9584 @parisa-kh @queencarb @swiminthegarden @youlookappropriate @books-biscuits-and-ballads @katrinegrey @rosebudde @sillydg

#meet my mc #casey mactavish #ethan ramsey x casey #tobias carrick x casey #open heart #young casey #college casey #med school casey

[okay-victoria]

Random Personal Rant

For anyone somehow here not from the original thread, this started off me getting asked what finishing school is and me getting shit off my chest that is only mildly relevant about how I could both be of the social class that gets sent to finishing school and grows up on welfare.

With an understanding that in many parts of the world it wouldn't qualify as so, as far as the US goes, my dad is from what counts as a very old money family from Baltimore & Philadelphia. Both his siblings went to college and one now owns a major hedge fund, and his sister is married to a C-level executive at a huge conglomerate. His parents went to college. His grandparents went to college. All eight of his great grandparents went to college. My dad...did not go to college. He was not about that life, and while I don't mean it as an insult, when I say his primary occupation until I was ~5 was a drummer in a mediocre band I mean that he opened for a lot of great acts, and if you lived in the Boston to Atlanta area in the 80s you may have heard him play, but he was never a huge national name. But he wasn't an amateur band playing for free at some random local gig either.

My mom grew up on a chicken farm in a Mennonite family in Pennsylvania but also completely rejected her heritage and became a model, sort of like my father, of mediocre status. Not Giselle Bundchen, but had national contracts and if you have a Graco ad/box from 1990-1993 you might see both me and her on it. They met because my mom's friends placed bets, one each, on who could sleep with a member of their favorite local band first and my mom picked my dad and...my mom was actually supposed to go be a model in Tokyo and found out she was pregnant with me and couldn't go 😂

So, after my parents had two kids back to back with a third on the way and determined they needed lifestyles more in line with having three children, they became much poorer than they originally were because my mom stopped working and my dad, with a barely-passed-high-school education but needing a true "day job" worked day labor in construction. My dad's father was too proud to give us money/help if my dad didn't beg for it; despite having eventually four young children my dad never did so we ended up on all the state assistance programs one could imagine. My grandma jokes that dinners at my parents house were BYOC - bring your own chair, because we didn't own any.

My mother and paternal grandmother had no such pride issues and I live in eternal gratitude that my welfare childhood was not as crappy as it should have been because my grandmother would have my mom accompany her on grocery runs and buy us food without my father or grandfather knowing, and every Christmas and birthday my grandparents/godparents could give us the one big ticket gift all the kids wanted that year. But, on the other side, I once got stung by a bee inside my mouth because my brother threw a hairbrush through a cracked window at me and broke it and we couldn't afford to fix it for about two years and a hornet got in one day and rested himself in my coke can (my parents were the very American type that fed me coca-cola in baby bottles at age 8 when I was jealous of my younger siblings lol).

It is hard not to believe in "toxic masculinity" when two men warring over dumbass pride issues would rather their children/grandchildren go without food than suck it up and decide 'help' isn't the worst word in the English language, and you know you've only been saved by two women who came from totally different backgrounds and entirely disapproved of each other but reached out the hand to shake when it came down to toddlers getting the short end of the don't-bend-the-knee stick. It wasn't that either of the men were bad people, I loved them both and got along great with both, but on a societal level I feel they were socialized in a very fucked up way if that was the end result, as both claimed "male pride" in these instances [my dad took multiple thousands of dollars I'd saved from working during college from me during the 2008-2010 financial crisis and didn't tell me and that was the reason I was given for why I hadn't been informed/asked, because it would be too emotionally difficult for an adult man to ask a young woman. My graduation present was them repaying me 1/3 of the money they'd taken from me without asking because I'd like, trusted them when it had been in a joint account that was a holdover from when I was <18 and couldn't have my own bank account].

While in some ways my parents on the surface achieved the American dream of going from nothing to a bunch of money, the real factor in play was that my dad's father was the bank. My parents had no credit and couldn't get real loans. My dad worked construction and during the two major periods that flipping houses was very lucrative, he never had to get an actual loan or pay actual interest, he just had to ask his father to pay out cash and then repay him at a flat 2% interest rate that didn't even accrue over time, just...whenever you are ready, repay the value of the loan + 2%. Because my father was doing something productive, in these instances, my grandfather was happy to pay, because it wasn't giving away money, it was loaning it. I had a very weird situation of mostly being poor but like also getting taken to the "big donors" events at the Kennedy Center and my grandparents regularly buying me a dress as a child worth more than my mom's wedding dress and also needing to pretend I fit in with these people.

And look. When I say "these people"...honestly, by and large, most wealthy people, whether inherited or not, are not the assholes you want to imagine. Most of them are extremely nice. Most of them are generous when it comes to the less fortunate who are in their personal sphere of being. Most of them are just really out of touch. The 100% kindest of all of them that I know once relayed to me that she thought people would be happier if once a year they did what she did...go to the airport with a purse packed full of absolute necessities, buy a one way ticket to the most appealing destination on the flight board, buy your clothes and book your accommodations after you'd arrived, and come back after you felt you'd 'centered' yourself. She didn't understand why there were so many unhappy people who weren't taking this very obvious route to being happier. I didn't quite know how to explain that saying "most" people couldn't afford to do that either financially or from a job/career angle didn't even cover it, as "most" sounds like 70% instead of 99.7%.

I was both my parents eldest son and eldest daughter in the worst combination possible. I was the eldest son because I was the most stereotypically male of all my siblings, in everything from desire to physically fight the battles I was given to dislike of shopping/fashion to lack of emotional connection to my relationships, so I can now fix your average household plumbing/drywall/electrical issue better than most "city" guys I interact with and remain less clingy to them in the process. I was also very much the oldest daughter from a responsibility perspective, I managed our household and from age 10 - 24 managed the finances of our family business, my mom almost died giving birth to my youngest brother after a ruptured uterus that should never have happened in the first place if we had adequate insurance to get her a non-emergency C-section (I was just past 9 years old at the time) and I was informally withdrawn from school for two years to take care of the family when she couldn't because there is no paid parental leave in the US and we got double-fucked by the medical industry because she got a bad "mesh" put in and then had to have a further surgery to repair that which we also had to pay for and didn't have the money to win a lawsuit over.

I don't know quite how to put this, but in the deepest fuck you of the universe, my rich-immigrant-ggggg grandfather's money led to him owning banks, insurance companies, etc, and the family cashed out in a big way when their ownership was bought by and merged with what is now Cigna, one of the biggest US healthcare insurers, and my nuclear family specifically got screwed by the American health insurance industry, but anyway, we were the people selected for that karmic comeuppance so if you want to feel schadenfreude at my expense, I'll allow it without begrudging the sentiment, my family might have fucked up your family’s life too, not just their own.

I got up twice a night to feed my brother because my dad had to sleep unmolested in my room to get to work and my mom was too weak to carry my brother or even hold him against her while she nursed so I had to hold him up to her. Adjusting to living in a city and hearing lots of random noises all the time was not easy when I'd had mom sound instincts from age 9.

I learned to drive the fall my youngest bro was born because my mom couldn't and I had to get my middle brother to preschool and go the grocery store on my own. While I hold absolutely no ill will towards my father or grandfather for this and given that about 1/3 of my paternal family either has an autism diagnosis or should, I fully feel the struggles they both went through to be communicated with, my father wouldn't ask for help, and my grandmother that lived 20 minutes away couldn't give enough help because my grandfather refused to do a single dish on his own as that was outside their "marriage contract" type agreement and she couldn't ever stay with us overnight when there wasn't a clearly-communicated need, so they let the burden fall on a 9 - 11 year old child and that really shaped a lot of my life in both good and bad ways. My youngest brother is 22, and we have only just climbed out of the medical debt his birth left us with between my dad's life insurance and my oldest brother and I paying for the extra cost of out-of-state college tuition.

The irony of all of this is that because my father died before his father, when my grandmother dies, my siblings and I will all inherit enough money (as a non-blood relative my mom, despite keeping her vows to part at death and not having remarried in eight years, is cut out entirely) to make this a non-issue, but my grandfather couldn't conscience spotting his unluckiest child some money in the end of days to pay for my youngest two brothers' education and take that worry off my father as he was dying. The day before he died I had to hold him down in bed to keep him from trying to climb in his truck to go to work because he was so anxious about trying to provide for us in spite of his father having fuck you money, because his father didn't think it was fair to the other siblings (who, at the time, still owned a major hedge fund and were married to a C-level executive of a huge conglomerate). A day and a half later I went back to my job because at the time I was then the sole provider for the family and didn't want to risk asking for the standard week's bereavement leave when I knew I was capable of showing up at work the next day and was fresh out of college so hadn't built up a reputation yet.

My father worked the day each of us was born, so I suppose it is only fair and he smiled at the choice. In spite of what it may seem, I gave a baller and very heartfelt speech at his funeral to all his rich friends that over and above everything, he'd taught us how to be happy with our own lives no matter what, and multiple of them emailed my mom in the aftermath to say they'd reassessed their relationship with their children in light of it, although...tbh I kind of doubt that lasted and they probably changed nothing 😅. The last good talk I had with him, two weeks before he died [his liver was going and it sent toxins to his brain that de-personed him after that and he no longer recognized me as his daughter, but as his sister], I reassured him that though we would all be sad he'd gone, we'd live on just fine without him because that's how he'd raised us, and according to my mom that was what gave him the final bit of peace he needed. Although honestly, I don't think I will ever see the strength in another human again that it took my grandmother to sit next to him and stroke his hand and tell him to close his eyes and imagine he was happy on a beach and die, for God's sake, because he was unaware and in pain and just prolonging it for our sake by then.

That type of obsession my grandfather had with assessing his children and grandchildren on the basis of economic productivity and a very black and white idea of "fair" is one you don't easily forget, I promise you. My hedge fund uncle is currently positioning himself to screw us out of our inheritance because of janky writing in the will and I'm doing my fuck all best to gain the wherewithal to go toe-to-toe with this cold motherfucker in court as the oldest and representative member of my happily much nicer and softer younger brothers who I want to remain that way not because I even care that much about the money, I know what bills affect your credit first and what you can put off paying and all of us have good enough career prospects to do our own thing, but just because I want to give the middle finger to a man that was a multi-millionaire and drew lines on his milk and orange juice bottles when I came over so he knew if I drank what my parents couldn't afford when I was approximately six. Anyway, ask me why I support major reforms in wealth taxation. I don't care who it goes to, just not that guy, you feel?

Having expendable income was very exciting for a bit after I started working but once I got to the hateable point of assessing my annual bonus and internally complaining that I'd spent the money I should have spent on a Sauternes cellar to drop five digits on bedset materials (to be fair they are drop dead gorgeous, very comfy and the factory pays a living wage for people to handmake the sheets/duvets/pillows to people in San Francisco, which is not cheap, so maybe I did more good than harm with that), I two seconds later nodded to myself and went "the government needs to confiscate more money from me". The narrative is always that the "undeserving" will use it for dumb things they don't need like iPhones or refrigerators...?...but like...I could also have gone to Bed Bath and Beyond and bought a very nice sheet/comforter set for at most a tenth of what I paid so am I really spending it responsibly either....?....who is going to get more joy out of this misspent money....?....not me, that is for sure, I probably would have had more fun going to BBB and laying on all the demo beds and buying something there.

My lifelong dream, which may become possible if/when I do have something of an inheritance, is to provide food security for one of the many towns in the US were most residents don't have it. It's the thing I remember the most distinctly over the years. I never could quite believe it when I got to the point that I could just...pay to eat at a restaurant. One of the most disappointed my mother has ever been in me is when I was twenty five and confessed I actually had no idea how much a gallon of milk cost in a city grocery store besides that it was probably between $1 and $5, because I didn't have to know. For now I make a weekly drop off of my excess produce to a mom group I met under somewhat weird circumstances but I was walking through the cut-through that went through the low-income housing back to my apartment at like 2 AM on a Saturday and these moms were out there partying and smoking weed with their kids all strapped in strollers around or the older ones watched by a rotating member of the group and I felt very safe and like these moms had a very good vibe of both living their own lives [seriously for mental health parents but in most cases specifically mothers need to be able to keep up relationships with people their age] but keeping their children safe and accounted for while doing so and trying their fuckin' best against all the odds to figure out how to make that happen when life had dealt them a shit hand.

...anyway, looping way back to the original question of what finishing school is, when I was almost done with middle school my dad had built a legit construction business that then very quickly took off because we lived in a commutable zip code to the now-rich-in-their-own-right people he went to high school with who trusted him to redo their homes. We eventually moved to that zip code but I stayed and commuted back to my old high school. But, i was a pretty wild kid which my father appreciated for a long while because I would follow him around on jobs and enjoy doing physical labor, but once I was mid-puberty and also he had to maybe show me to his high school friends that did not fly.

I snapped - not broke, snapped - my left thumb and my parents had to trap me like a wild animal to get me to go the hospital. Then I got a deep cut that partially injured a tendon in my leg and at eleven I tried to beat the shit out of my dad to prevent him from picking me up to strap me in the car and go to the hopsital. Next I got a deep splinter due to my eternal-barefoot tendencies and it wouldn't come out so got infected and I refused to go to the doctor [another weird back story but I was minorly sexually assaulted [[to be clear, not raped or anything big traumatic]] when I was eight and had to stay in hospital for a week and my parents couldn't be with me all the time so I have a permanent heebie-jeebie about going to the hospital, not true anxiety, I will go if I know I need to and I don't breathe heavy or anything, and I'm actually not permanently weirded out by sex or anything, just doctors in hospitals specifically I kind of unconsciously try to justify not needing to the extent I can rationalize it] and my dad was tired of my antics so he was like "fine if you don't go I will slice your foot in half with a Swiss Army knife to get it out" and I called his bluff and laid down on the floor, stuck my foot on his lap, and he didn't really know what to do when a barely fourteen year old girl called his bluff so my brothers watched in fascinated but horrified awe as I got my foot sliced open spectacularly so that the infection/splinter could come out and I didn't even make a sound out of spite despite it being quite painful to my recollection almost twenty years later.

They saw me cry from pain exactly one time when while trying to break up a fight between all three of them (it was over ice cream) I got pushed and my ankle got dislocated and what actually made me cry was snapping it back in place and they realized it was not a joke. These dumb assholes that I love have ragged on me for "skipping" chores the day after I was in the hospital because the day before that I had to spend 18 hours running Thanksgiving as a good sub-hostess like I didn't have a serious infection that needed treating and couldn't rest because none of them were up to any task beyond peeling potatoes.

After the Swiss Army knife incident, my dad's discussion of sending me to finishing school became real, which I knew when my mom made me take a walk with her and talked about it. Finishing school is like...etiquette school....? In ye olden day when finishing high school was not the norm for anyone, wealthy men finished high school and wealthy women often went to "finishing" school to have a combined education on being a proper lady but also being able to hold a decent conversation with your presumably-educated husband, so it wasn't entirely etiquette non-academic. It was more just like "what a rich man wants in a wife" school, which was sort of household management and knowing enough about cleaning/cooking to correct the staff if they fucked up, how to be a polite hostess, and how to not entirely bore him when you were alone together and had done your five minutes of sex or whatever so actually had to have a conversation. In modern times it has obviously expanded to be less bleak.

I said miss me with that, I can be a girl on my own, so I went full throttle into the girliest sport they offer in high school and ever since have gained the inestimable advantage of knowing how to also use femininity to my advantage, which I am very grateful to my parents for making me learn. It would be great if we lived in a world where that didn't count, but it did/still does, and they really set me up to operate in all the worlds.

It is weird for me to tell the story to Internet strangers because it's one of those things that makes your parents sound terrible and abusive in the general tone of the Internet nowadays, and while I support gender nonconforming children I don't remember my childhood or parents that way. But, I feel like the bits and pieces of my life I've given don't always make a ton of sense together without the context, so here it is, and in the end, I think a number of parts of it are areas where you can probably understand where it makes me have the opinions I do when I write.

Anyhoo, this makes my life sound far worse than it is, I actually have a great life and I am not unhappy with it at all and feel I was on the whole blessed with many more turns of luck than unluck, so, please, do not take this as a depressed artist rant, it is more like a rant of a very energetic person who rants about a lot of things all the time and didn’t need to come out but just did because the question was asked and the time was right with my life being in a bit of flux to think about how I got where I am and where I want to go and why.

Always remember no matter what problems it seems like I have, if I didn’t solve them on my 2 year round the world traveling hiatus I took from working, it’s my own fault, I definitely had the time and money to solve them and just chose not to.

[lazyevaluationranch]

I was wondering if you would be willing to share the titles of your resilience-inspiring lesbian farm books? My google search led me to a book titled “Attack of the Lesbian Farmers” which, while certainly inspiring, is not exactly what I was looking for.

Here are two very different books in the Farm Lesbians Write Honestly About What Went Wrong And How They Got Through It genre. Hopefully at least one is to your taste.

It's nearly fifty years old now, and can be hard to find, but Country Women: A Handbook for the New Farmer is deeply important to me. Country Women was a black and white xeroxed magazine written by a collective of woman-run farms in California in the 1960s. (There are some issues scanned at the Lesbian Poetry Archive). Each issue was half articles about feminism and half articles about small-scale farming. In the 1970s, the how-to articles on farming were expanded and organized to make the book, along with some scattered journal entries, lovely hippie-style line drawings and poetry about wood splitting, bees, and gazing at one's beloved while fixing the tractor on a summer day. The contributors have names like Jean and Ruth Mountaingrove, Ellen Chanterelle, and Sam♀ Thomas. 

It's written in an informal and pragmatic style, mostly organic hippie farming, but using pesticides or conventional medications when necessary.

This afternoon the Anderson brothers began teaching me how to graft fruit trees - the careful joining of life with life. Even more than I loved gaining a new skill, I loved learning from two old men who have so very much to teach me. I admire the audacity of eighty-three-year-old men setting grafts that will not bear fruit for years: the total involvement in a process they love. Those trees will stand and live; I doubt whether Jake or Fred even stop to wonder if they'll pick the fruit. I want to live my life with that kind of harmony and purpose. I want to be planting seeds the day I die.

The first lamb was born today. Premature and dead. Olivia, the mother, seems to be all right though. I had a dream a few weeks ago that the lambs were born tiny (like mice) and pink. And that I struggled to save them, but they were too small to feed. The lamb today was small and pink, its fleece plastered against its body, thin and sparse. For a moment it was nightmareishly like my dream... This is my first animal death. The beginning of a long cycle. It seems even harder to have death come before life, than to have an old one die giving birth. Hopes for the future stillborn.

Driving home today, I suddenly realized that this really is going to be a sheep ranch, that I have done, and am doing, and will do it. That I'm making my livelihood from the land. The canyon is fenced now. There are  sheep out there on pastures that were open hillsides two years ago. 

The very act of building this place, the simple actions of tamping dirt, stretching wire, dumping hay in feeders, has profoundly changed my sense of self. I'm doing things I never dreamed I could do, and I'm doing them easily without even considering whether I really can. Last night I was talking with Susan about fencing the front meadow for feeder calves, and I realized that I could say that realistically, no fantasizing, no bragging: I can fence the front meadow as soon as I get done with the hay barn and get a little more money.

Like almost every other farmer in America today, I'm in debt and hoping for a good season. I'm only at the beginning now, and I know there are many struggles to come and overcome and come again: Someday I too, like my neighbours, will be counting carcasses killed by a marauding dog or watching the spring oats be wash away in an "unheard of" late storm. No matter how prepared I am, there us always that vulnerability - to the weather, other animals, disease - that seems to strike when things are finally going smoothly. But inside me there is also this incredible joy: This life is real and good, and it has made me strong and real and good too. 

I gotta stop or I'll type the whole book into this post. One more: 

My father is here this week ... working on the truck whose engine has been alien to me. I am learning now what I could have learned at 7, 11, 15. Beneath my truck, side by side, lie his seven-year-old son and his twenty-five-year-old daughter, both of us learning for the first time how bearings fit together, how to remove pistons. And here beneath this truck the patriarchy stops: he has passed his knowledge to his daughter, and from me  it will pass to sisters, from sister to sister to sister. 

That's this book. The things women weren't supposed to know in the sixties. They found people to teach them; they taught each other; they learned through bitter loss. The book says: we have gone before you and you are not alone. Here is what we have learned, and here is how we have learned it. We have failed, and we have wept, and we have gotten up and gone on, and it was alright. Here is the fire, passed from hand to hand to hand. Here is the light that will never be put out. 

The week after we first got goats, we received a package in the mail from my coolest relative, a veterinarian who was the first woman to graduate with a specialization in large animal medicine at her school. People thought that women just weren't physically capable of handling large animals. (Hint: the bull weights 1100 kilograms. It doesn't much matter if the veterinarian weighs 50 kilograms or 150 kilograms.) I remember staying with her a child, in summer, laying on the stainless steel operating table in the barn; it always felt cool when the heat was unbearable.

The package, of course, contained Country Women. An old well-loved copy, with notes on long-ago calving dates penciled in the margins, and random scraps of paper with sketches of possible gardens and goat sheds as bookmarks.  A light passed from hand to hand, a light that will not go out. It was like receiving a video game quest artifact.

Country Women is rooted in second wave feminism, which is not everyone's cup of tea. For something more modern and story-focussed, consider Hit By A Farm or Sheepish by Catherine Friend. These are collections of short, funny autobiographical essays about farming and relationships. Their tone is honest and wry, self-deprecating. You can see Catherine Friend's blog here and decide if you like her writing style. She wanted to call Hit By A Farm "Sheep Sex and Other Disasters" but her editor didn't think it would sell. 

In Hit By A Farm, Catherine - a professional writer - goes along with her partner Melissa's lifelong desire to ranch sheep, and describes the results from the perspective of the slightly reluctant farmer's wife as they start a farm in Minnesota.  Sheepish is written fifteen years later, when they're thinking about quitting the farm, after all the shiny newness of farming and the relationship has worn off. There are different mistakes then, different sorrows, and new joys. 

From Sheepish: 

We rarely pay attention to middles. Perhaps we ignore them because they're problematic. The middles of our beds often sag. The middles of our bodies sag. The middle of a long story told by your brother-in-law is likely to sag, and so you'll need another beer to stay focused. Everyone needs a reason to keep going when they're in the middle. 

And:

Don't expect a farm to fix your life, for once the romance dims, you must still muck out the barn and stack hay bales and give that sick goat an enema...Although there are tons of stories about starting something new, there just aren't that many about how to keep doing something, about how to slog through the middle when the going gets tough.

The quotes are all from Sheepish; I can't find our copy of Hit By A Farm:

My spinning wheel continues to torture and confound me. I realize I'm not interested enough in the craft to really commit to learning it. After a few more tries, I tuck the wheel into a corner of our living room and turn it into what Melissa likes to call a Dust Accumulation Research Project. Clearly our wool market will continue to be the wildly unlucrative wholesale warehouse.

The patron saint of spinners is, interestingly enough, Saint Catherine. She was a Christian martyr in Alexandria. In 307 AD, she was condemned to be torn apart by the spokes of the wheel.

Well. No wonder.

Spoiler: things get pretty rough, there’s illness and hard winters and financial issues, but they do not, in fact, give up the farm or each other. 

The book says: We made it. You will too.

#the-revolution-will-be-feminized

[mwolf0epsilon]

“Eps’s Notes on The Illusion of Living”

It's taken me nearly three months to get this done due to writer’s block kicking my sorry butt. But, as promised, here are my notes on the "Illusion of Living". Good god has this been painful… But I did have a lot of stuff I initially thought of Joey somewhat confirmed for me, and got a few extra interesting tidbits of info that I feel are very curious...

--{Key}--

Italics are my opinion

--{Key}--

--{Quick retelling of the book’s contents}--

    The Drews were among the more impoverished families in New Jersey, and Joey's father briefly worked in the silk industry to make end's meet before opening his own shoe store (that his mother oversaw profits for as the accountant). As such there were obvious limitations to a lot of Joey’s upbringing (like a lack of toys to entertain him with, and very few family vacations/trips that were memorable).

According to Joey, the shoes sold at his family’s store were primarily designed for people in the working class (clunky shoes and boots that would endure wear and tear rather than be flashy or comfortable to wear, which Joey complained never really fit him right), and had one singular design that was simply improved upon rather than any variety (I suppose the saying here would be “don’t fix it if it ain’t broke” but Joey really seemed to have some sort of issue with this, as he disliked his father’s works).

    Joey's mother was a hardworking housewife and the primary parent when it came to rearing her child. She educated and played with him more than his father, so Joey was much fonder and emotionally close to her than to him and, while Joey’s father wasn’t an absent parent by any means, he was definitely more engrossed in working to sustain the family.

This family dynamic definitely had some impact on Joey, especially since his mother got him interested in the art of storytelling in general, and he seemed to have a lot more respect for her than for his father. In fact he even had a few reservations regarding his father’s mental integrity when he discovered his talent for making voices in a rather odd manner.

It should be noted here that, while Joey's father was strong, he looked deceptively frail and wasn't considered a particularly brave man by any means. He was however regarded as a bit of an entrepreneur, and Joey was very concerned that he may not be sane (which was a bit of taboo at the time, considering treatment for mental health issues hadn’t advanced past lobotomies and other disturbing medical malpractices) because he talked and sang to himself in curious little voices while he worked. Curiously enough, while a patient and loving man, Joey's father wasn't aversed to cursing around his young son (although Joey himself doesn't seem to use crass language, even if it was normalized in the household). Another curious thing to note is that Joey greatly dislikes mud, and especially hated it as a child (alluding to his later obsessive cleanliness as an adult).

    Because of the financial issues his family suffered through, Joey didn't have a radio or many books growing up, and was thus more fond of Vaudevilles (specifically theatrical comedy, tragedy, and bizarre/surreal acts) which were pretty common in his city of birth. This interest for theatrics and third person story perspectives mixed terribly with later events in his life, like how at age 10 he witnessed a potential murder/suicide (Jesus christ...). Through this event he realized that there were different kinds of people in specific situations, especially when faced with the finality of death. Joey goes so far as to describe how theatrical the death was (Almost sounding disconnected from the reality of the situation as he noted that the crowd and even his own father seemed more like characters to him than real people). However, since Joey's neighborhood was ripe with strange people, he wasn't unfamiliar with bizarre events happening around him. Seeing a motorized ambulance was more amazing to a 10 year old him than actually caring for the death of a stranger at the front of his father's store.

    At age 12, Joey went to Coney Island for the first time, and the journey excited him greatly since he didn't get to leave home very often. The trip to Coney Island was magical in a sense, and later in life he hoped to replicate it in Bendyland to a more permanent degree (the trip back home ruptured the magical effect, which he didn't want to happen with Bendyland).

Joey has his own set of rules he plays by which he considers his life’s philosophy that he calls "The Illusion of Living". This was inspired by several events in his life, including his father passing the time by playing make believe (the Shoemaker and the Elves). This unique perception of what illusion and reality are (“the same thing”), seems to point to Joey having developed a dissociative personality disorder from a young age, which got progressively worse as he grew older. This in addition with the ADHD patterns he displays in his confusing rambling writing (and Joey rambles a LOT), and the almost OCD behaviour in regards to cleaning up after himself, indicates Joey lacked impulse control and was more prone to listening to intrusive thoughts.

Joey's view of reality was often confusing to others and he greatly enjoyed poking fun out of slowly getting them to his point of view. Conversations with Joey were thus quite frustrating to some, but no less curious to others that actually tried to understand what the “Illusion of Living” was about (Like Nathan). According to Joey, only a few people ever got close to understanding it.

    Joey enlisted to fight in the first war after he lied about his age (He was 15 years old, a year younger than the required age to enlist at the time). Out of all the positions in the army, he seemed most interested in comms, and considered himself more decent in communicating than actually fighting in the front lines.

It seems like Joey greatly enjoyed how he looked in uniform, and was also particularly finicky about his looks in general despite being in boot camp.

He made friends in the army, Private Donaldson and Private Eckhart, which Nathan (who worked at the tech lab that Joey later worked for) attests to being accurately described in the book. They were slightly older than Joey and were also interested in communication tech and shared his sense of humor. They also influenced Joey's social life, and tried to get him to date some gals that he wasn’t remotely interested in (the first indication that he may not be straight).

    Another close friend Joey had in the army was Lottie (a communications officer) and he used to "chaperone" her whenever the four went out to party. He seemed to have a considerable amount of respect for her (which is likely a result of growing up observing his mother, thus understanding that women were competent in positions where other men would scoff at the idea of them working at all). As such he was quite supportive of the War's “Hello Girls” (comms female officers). Interestingly enough this contradicts Joey's sexist persona that he seems to take on in Dream Come to Life (a mask that seems to be among many others he employs to fit in with the rest of society).

Lottie was his special gal pal in the platonic sense and, while he often ate alone to be left with his thoughts, she usually sought him out to talk to.

Joey only ever empathized with people he was close to, often reserving telling stories to comfort his friends specifically. It was the only way he could brighten their day (which later supposedly helped a disillusioned Lottie when she was sent to serve in London). What one could take away from Joey’s days as a soldier was that he was incredibly perceptive in terms of studying people. He easily recognized people’s handwriting, and was greatly fascinated by others’s personalities.

He could also easily charm people just from reading into what they might be interested in, and liked the thought of subliminally impressing others (which he later incorporated into his cartoons). It’s never mentioned, but Joey was likely honorably discharged since the war ended in 1918 and didn’t need to return to the service of the military when the second world war hit (keeping in mind Joey appears to have mobility issues later in life, he might have not been fit for field duty).

    At age 19 Joey ended up involved in investigating the murder case of Walter Richmond, a signal corps soldier Joey met briefly in his service days. The victim in question was responsible for documenting the war efforts, not being necessarily that great of a photographer, but taking a certain amount of pleasure in capturing the most viscerally gruesome pictures possible for shock value. How Joey got involved was a curious thing in of itself, since he didn’t know the victim all that well, nor cared to get to know him. Detective Adam Sinclair (a tall hulking man wearing the typical trenchcoat and fedora combo, who’s most noticeable features were his aged face and unshaven 5’o’clock shadow) tracked him down to his little minimalistic (and obsessively clean and tidy) apartment to question him. Joey was initially unsurprised that an ex-soldier ended up dead (not from the war, but likely ptsd), and was instead surprised that it was a murder case. He ended up inserting himself into the case as Sinclair’s shadow to help solve it. The reason was mostly out of self-interest, but his perspective did seem useful to the detective in the end. Throughout the investigation Joey displayed a few particular traits that indicate his attentive and peculiar nature, such as the way he reads others (their way of dressing and upkeep of posture), the manner of which he judges a good handshake, his distaste for smoking (which was taught to him via the idea that if something smells bad it’s usually bad for you) and drinking (he tries to be careful with alcohol intake in general, as he’s more accustomed to beer than drinks like champagne which one could over-indulge recklessly without noticing). Joey’s fascination for taboo subjects (war, violence, and death specifically) is also noted when he observes the victim’s photographic works.

This is a prevalent theme in an art gallery event where these particular subjects seemed to linger strongly in his mind, to the point where he noticed when one of the photos he recalls having seen before during his brief meeting with Richmond, appeared to be missing from the display. A detail that appeared to be dismissed by others, but of great interest to Sinclair.

    During this same gallery event, there was an incident set up by the murderer that involved a firecracker and a crowbar that set off a lot of panic. Joey’s work at the signal corps labs saved him from the brutality of the trenches, but he's apparently familiar with the effects of severe PTSD (And ironically notes that reliving the same painful event over and over again is his definition of true horror/personal hell).

It became very apparent to both Joey and Sinclair that the murderer was amongst them, and that this onslaught of panic was a message: That the murder of the frontline photographer was personal.

They did in fact come into contact with the perpetrator and, after a while of radio silence between Joey and Sinclair, the case was solved with...Minimal success. While Sinclair knew who killed Walter Richmond, he unfortunatelly did not have enough proof to convict her (the sister of a casualty of war that could have easily been saved, had Richmond not left him for dead because it fit his narrative of the war just fine), thus allowing her to get away with literal murder. Worse yet, the resolution of the case seemed to further disconnect Joey from reality and consequence. He gained a disdain for Adam Sinclair where once he’d respected him as an authority figure of sorts, finding that he’d accomplished his role and still failed miserably. In the end, the only thing to come out of teaming up with Sinclair was learning a social skill that Joey employed later on, by mirroring back certain aspects of a person so they’d be more comfortable around him. Otherwise the detective became nothing more than a distant memory. Unimportant in Joey’s later narrative.

    Two years later, Joey started working for a bookstore where he began satiating his vast hunger for knowledge, now that he had access to all sorts of books he could never afford as a child. Joey is fairly well read with an interest in various genres, although it was previously noted that during his army service people made fun of him for especially liking fictional novels. Joey being Joey however, wasn’t overly fussed about others’s opinions on what he sought enjoyment from, especially when it came to storytelling. Aside from getting his reading quota filled out, his bookstore job also helped him develop his salesperson skills through reading his customers. Through his experiences with his father’s shop and shadowing Sinclair, he had by now understood that people were highly superficial, and that he could apply whatever knowledge he gathered from them into how he sold his pitch to them. His charisma seemed to lure in customers.

    While working at the store he met Abby Lambert who he immediately noticed had an eye for art. Joey quickly became friends with her and seemed to greatly appreciate her no-nonsense attitude towards life in general, going so far as to respect her capabilities as a working lady where other men would be disdained with her difficult attitude. In fact, he wondered why anyone wouldn’t hire her to do a job she could clearly handle, just because she was a woman (again contradicting his sexist persona). As a connoisseur of the arts, Abby was the one to fully introduce Joey to her favourite craft. He especially took an interest in Impressionism and its influences.

Abby also supposedly introduced Henry to Joey, which the latter insists wasn’t really that remarkable of an event since Henry was “unimaginative” and “lacking in talent” due to his specialty in cartoon caricatures, and not the richer awe inspiring paintings Joey seemed to prefer (basically Joey spends any given time in the book trying to make Henry seem as insignificant as possible out of pure unadulterated pettiness, which physically pains me).

Ironically, in terms of entertainment, Joey later favoured cartoons as the more appealing form of films since most other mediums didn’t really spark his interest, even if the genres were ones he found fascinating (I suppose that despite films being works of fiction most times, Joey likely thought real life actors were far too limited in their acts due to the natural limitations of the human body).

Returning to Abby, her friendship seemed to be more impactful to Joey than most others. Like with how he preferred his mother’s company to his father’s, Abby seemed to be one of few people he actually felt comfortable around, to the point where her criticism didn’t bother him. She was also mindful of him, where she could recognize Joey’s “preferences” and made it a point to clarify to him that their outings were purely platonic so he wouldn’t get uncomfortable in those situations.

    Three years after meeting Abby and Henry, Joey became a manager at the bookstore and Henry began working there as well (by Joey’s suggestion it seems), and only then did they sort of start developing a meek little friendship of sorts (although Joey seems very dismissive about it and focuses primarily on Abby).

During that time, the idea to start his own business came about from two different events that happened that year. The first being his first ever theatrical script that he wrote and performed with Abby at a gallery event. During the performance of this little play (the theme of which was an angel and a demon discussing their role in influencing a mortal’s life), Joey discovered that he greatly enjoyed controlling situations and got way too into it (even considers what he could get away with in the name of entertainment, such as if he could act out actual violent or scandalous behaviours if he proclaimed it a part of the show).

The second event was his father sending him shoes once a year (which, because Joey disliked the make of his father’s shoes, he tried to get him to stop by pretending they weren’t arriving at his address or that they were getting stolen). As a means to ensure he got them, Joey's father started sending the packages to the bookstore. A doodle and writing on the package ended up inspiring Joey to create his own studio as he wanted to take flight in the entertainment industry.

    Having thus decided that he wanted to open up a film studio of some kind, Joey immediately set off to get himself a memorable mascot. He had a vague idea of what he needed and what might be appealing to an audience, but he wasn’t particularly skilled in character design and openly admitted to this. Abby, who was also not particularly good at drawing cartoons, understood that her more realistic style wouldn’t really help (or appeal to) Joey, so she enlisted Henry’s help. Knowing that Joey was a bit picky in regards to how he evaluated art, she thought perhaps she could persuade him to take a liking to Henry’s works (which he wasn’t particularly fond of, due to Henry mostly working with pen-drawings of cartoon characters and caricatures that looked very unremarkable to him) if he could only see him actually work his “magic”. Joey was reluctant to bring Henry into his business plan, but upon actually reaching a design within a few minutes (that took a few tries experimenting with animal and human features in more detailed and then simplified ways) of Joey giving some directions, he seemed to be sold on bringing Henry on board.

Henry designing the company mascot was thus the final push to open up Joey Drew Studios.

The two began their partnership not too long after, and from then on out things got interesting very quickly.

    The history behind the studio is...Not an easy one to validate in terms of whether or not Joey is sincere or even really knows certain dates (the more I look into the beginning of the book and the later exposition of information, the more I realized either Joey was starting to trip himself up on dates or his memory was visibly failing him). There are a lot of discrepancies in the dates provided, with some going back on how long Henry remained in the studio (even claiming to have at some point surrounded him with other animators and even a lead artist a year prior to his departure), when Sammy and Jack were hired (He says he hired Sammy in 1929 during the Wallstreet Crash, but later says he hired both him and Jack after the Wallstreet Crash), among other things... Joey Drew Studios was primarily funded by Mrs. Richmond (the mother of Walter Richmond), as Joey had forged friendships with the people involved in the case he’d helped Sinclair investigate (including the murderer whom he had grown to respect).

While other investors aren’t really brought up, it’s implied Nathan also had a hand in helping the studio taking off, as Joey often met up with him at the Russian Tearoom whenever he could. During these private meetings, Nathan would impart advice on Joey. Advice which he seemed to not care for, as he already had his own concerns at the time.

It seemed that his main plan was to acquire a talented and capable team to achieve his dream. A team Joey thought he wouldn’t need to "baby-sit", as he specifically wanted to hire individuals that were as studious and capable as he saw himself (curiously Joey mentions that Henry’s work ethic was exactly what he wanted, as Henry had never held work back or needed to be checked up on, which to Joey was an invaluable attribute).

For at least two years, the Bendy Cartoons were nothing but silence and sound effects (something we actually see in-game in BatIM Chapter One when the projector suddenly turns on and we hear nothing but the clicking of the projector and Joey’s whistling), which put them at a bit of a disadvantage when it came to competing with other animation studios.

This soon changed when Joey came across Sammy Lawrence and Jack Fain at a party he was attending on his 30th birthday (which he wasn’t celebrating, the party was a completely different event so supposedly Joey doesn’t care much for his own birthday).

He was already familiar with Sammy’s musical skills (mostly playing the piano quite masterfully), as he’d seen him perform at the theater when Sammy was still a teenager. Noticing him and Jack at the party was entirely accidental and was mostly due to the fact that, while Sammy was trying to keep out of the spotlight as he played, Jack’s showmanship shone through and caught Joey’s eye with how boisterous he was in their musical performance.

Joey approached them once their act was done and managed to convince them to work for him. Jack seemed to be immediately on board, while Sammy was a little more guarded in his agreement and immediately set up his stipulations for the job. This seemed to lean Joey’s interest towards Sammy (who Joey was unhealthily fascinated with because he was clearly not an easy man to control) more than Jack (who he likely considered too easy a read in terms of character, thus not much of a challenge to sway or condition).

     By 1933 Joey officially bought the entire building the studio was set up in (which up until then was occupied by other people seeking their own ventures). Expansion and new hires likely started a year or so later and continued on despite financial instability, and between 1941 and 1942 Joey was already starting to work out how he’d get Bendyland to be just as perfect and spectacular as he had always envisioned (which was difficult because he never really got it to feel just right in his eyes, and something felt off to him).

In between listing several different projects, vaguely describing an innovative techniques (Sillyvision which seems to be linked with the Golden Ink?), and even setting up his own 7 rules on how to animate to help set up a guide for aspiring animators, Joey slowly drifts away from the studio topic and finalizes his book rather abruptly.

He insinuates there’s a lot more for him to tell but little to no connection with the “Illusion of Living” philosophy and he’d rather focus on his actual physical work with the Studio than sit down and write further, so he finishes off on a rather...Vague note.

--{On Joey Drew}--

Year of Birth - 1901 (Day and month are never mentioned, but it's possible that his favouring of the autumnal season alludes to a fall month) Year of Death - ??? (Supposedly he's died, hence why Nathan claimed the Bendy IP) Birth City: Born and raised in Paterson "Silk City", New Jersey (Joey doesn't seem to have an accent, so he likely masks it, or made an effort to lose it). Physical Characteristics: As a child he used to have curly hair (Considering the era’s general fashion and style, it’s very likely that Joey either cut his hair too short to see the curls, or simply uses too much gel to seem more presentable) Sexual/Romantic Preferences: Homosexual with Demiromantic subtones (Joey seems to be closed off in general, but more appreciative of the male figure. Could be interpreted as demisexual however, since Joey himself doesn't seem to like wasting time around people he doesn't have much of a bond with) Notes: Here are several notes I’ve compiled about Joey and his opinions on certain things and people. There’s a lot to look at as this man rambles like an old lady at a friday night bingo event, and thus I had a lot to take in!

Laughter is important to him.

Seems to be a dog person.

Likes Cheerios (yes this was a super necessary detail I had to jot down).

Considers having his ideas disclosed without permission to be disloyal.

Seems to have some sort of dissociative personality disorder (likely brought on by trauma or another undiagnosed mental disorder).

People-Watcher by nature.

Was taught by his father that the shoe makes the man (aka the art of studying people through their shoes).

Joey believes in the saying "The Truth is in the Pudding", a saying his mother often employed.

Never had enough money to own a pair of nice fitting shoes until he was 26.

Is narcissistically vain. Easily takes insult if people assume he can't look presentable.

His service in the army gave him experience with "experimental tech".

Enjoys music a lot, and he was considered a great dancer.

Finds modern feminine fashion standards appealing.

Disliked the way those with money romanticized lacking material gains. Found it personally disrespectful in a way, since he himself came from a poor family.

Seems appalled by too much color on one's wear (Joey is the goddamn fashion police).

Very picky about the arts.

Apparently disliked Henry's art style(???).

Lets people believe Henry is the creator of the toons, in an act of being holier than thou. (You lying son of a gun, stop lying to everyone and yourself whaddahell).

Joey's analogy of Henry starting a journey but Joey being the one to reap the benefits, is likely the truest thing he's said in this nightmare of a novel (boastful bastard...).

Thinks of Bendy as his firstborn, muse and messenger.

Took an art class with Abby (likely not a full art course, just a simple class to get the gist of it?).

Considers art the doorway to immortality.

Doesn't like post-mortem success (it frightens him, even). He'd rather be successful in his lifetime.

Admits to making mistakes, but not many. He also thinks mistakes don't need to be permanent.

Doesn't know what true rest is like, and is unsure if he'll ever be content enough to rest. On that same note he seems to really hate sitting still and his mind tends to wander, which he notes Nathan recognized with ease, even reserving a specific look for him (It’s the ADHD baby).

His friend Kyle was a lazy person and a gossip, which were traits Joey found annoying.

On their first meeting, Joey described having a desire to shove Sammy off a roof to see a more human reaction from him.

Assumes Jack is jealous of the attention he gives Sammy, or that the duo's relationship is strained, despite him barging into their lives out of the blue and making him feel like a third wheel.

Seems to think of himself as some sort of a messenger (going so far as to akin himself to the god, Mercury). His life’s mission is to help those who don't know they need to be helped (mostly through spreading happiness and laughter in such a dark and dreary era of human history). Bendyland is essentially Joey's means to fulfil this desire, as well as to chase his own need for a properly realized mixture of immersion and illusion.

He wanted Bendyland to be perfect, even the plot of land it might be built in needed to be perfect, so he inspected it himself with Nathan once he bought the deed.

Appears to refuse to call Bertrum by his proper name once he’s corrected the first time. Referring to him instead as either Bertie or Bert (toying with him perhaps? Testing boundaries?)

Doesn't drive. He instead hired a personal driver, Simmons.

For a little while he was living the American Dream, but thought of how he lived as less of a shared goal and more of a personal one (again setting himself apart from others).

His days were quite flexible and he seemed to despise set routines. He also doesn't like sleeping in. He liked to take a walk in central park early in the morning.

Joey used to make his rounds around the studio but the installation of the Ink Machine changed that habit a bit.

Nonchalantly notes that Shawn Flynn got a little defensive if he needed to be corrected on his work (OCD much, Joey? He was painting a lot of dolls by hand, slipups happen...).

He had priority meetings with Sammy, "meetings" with Jack (Sir what are these quotation marks for, are you snogging Jack while no one’s watching???), then met with the art department preceding the writing department, and finally he met with Grant Cohen in accounting to discuss finances and budget.

He had the final say in ALL paperwork regarding studio affairs.

Upon reading about it, found the concept of bringing in real animals to produce Disney's Bambi as funny, and joked about how trying to do so with Bendy and Boris would be chaotic.

Noted that Abby and Sammy were likely the only two people who closely understand the philosophy of the illusion of living, but not quite…

Was terrified of being misunderstood. Joey didn’t want to only be able to show half-truths, like a mirror reflecting the world darkly. Rather ironic considering he was quite deceitful in his adult life.

His desire for the world to love Bendy seems to be a projection of wanting to feel loved himself (quite honestly if one were to apply the theory of the id, ego and superego, it seems to me that Bendy is essentially Joey’s id, while Joey himself could be considered the Superego. The chameleonic social mask he wears is thus the ego. At the end of the day Bendy and Joey are and aren’t the same entity...).

Originally he didn't want to make a memoir (likely because he can't be direct and needs to work around the truth to fit him). It could also be that Joey didn’t want to linger on the past nor in death. He wasn't sure where it fit with his philosophy and thus tried not to explore too deep into it (existential dread?).

He wore custom tailored suits, and as of beginning writing TioL he had recently taken to wearing cravats (ever the vain man I suppose…).

Despite considering revisiting the past unnecessary, he couldn’t deny doing so if the time called for it. In fact, the Archives are Joey's memories of the past and he's sentimental enough to collect mementos of bygone eras.

Joey has trophies at home, the deeply personal things he couldn’t bare part with. Like the first sketch of Bendy, a napkin with the design of Bendyland, a letter from Henry, a ticket from a Vaudeville show, and his set of shoes he wore when he was surveying the plot of land where he planned to build Bendyland.

--{On Bendy}--

Notes: Here are a few notes I’ve compiled about the Little Devil Darling himself, and a few curiosities about his creation and the inspiration behind his character.

Bendy was officially created in 1928. According to Joey he was born of a dream, supposedly out of necessity, and he always had this idea of a little devil character doing mischief.

Bendy started off as a realistic little boy with a tail and horns (Abby’s attempt to bring to life Joey’s vague idea). Then, when Henry got involved, he became a cartoonish goat creature. The concepts were quickly worked out from a toony clothed amalgamation of both previous concepts, to a more intermediate design more closely resembling Bendy, and then finally, after Joey requested a simpler more shapely and less detailed toon, Bendy became the iconic  little imp clad in only gloves and bowtie.

Joey named him upon seeing the completed design. There are two origins for his name: That of Walter Benjamin Richmond, who’s nickname in life was “Bendy” (a rather morbid homage considering what happened to him), and the mere fact that in Joey’s eyes, his little cartoon imp “bent all the rules”. Henry seemed to appreciate the name.

Bendy is meant to be the devil on one’s shoulders, much like the devil in Joey’s first theatrical play. He is however, a lot more like a little kid playing pranks on people. He is also a sort of embodiment of both the population and human morality (society at its most flawed point, but also quite relatable).

Buster Keaton was an inspiration for Bendy’s many shenanigans and movements, which were always meant to be fluid and a bit bouncy.

--{On Henry Stein}--

Year of Birth - ??? (It’s never mentioned how old Henry is, but I assume he’s around the same age group as Abby, since they were friends and likely went to the same art course. It’s likely that he’s younger than Joey, but not likely by much.) Year of Death - 1963 (It’s not really confirmed if Henry died when he was put into the Cycle, as he doesn’t seem to notice anything odd about himself, but it’s safe to assume the process very likely involves human sacrifice). Birth City: ??? (Unknown, it could be that he was born and raised in New York but Henry lacks a noticeable accent) Physical Characteristics: Average looking? (Irrelevant, he could honestly look like anyone really...) Sexual/Romantic Preferences: Presumably Heterosexual (He’s a married man in the 1930s-1960s, he’s either straight or hiding his sexuality, he seems to really like Linda however so could go either way really...) Notes: Here the few notes I could gather of the Henry info we got from TioL. It’s not much but its at least something to work with!

Henry is unremarkable appearance wise (to the point Joey forgot his face easily at first).

The way Henry dressed (mismatched and ill-fitted) indicates he likely grew up in poverty and likely only had hand-me-downs.

He mostly worked with pen-drawn cartoon character designs that were unremarkable but distinctly caricature-like (the Butcher Gang concepts were likely displayed in the gallery Joey attended, as noted by a comment he makes about them). Even if Joey apparently didn’t particularly like his style, Henry’s artwork was one of the final inspirations for the creation of Joey Drew Studios.

He is described as able to draw quite fast, great at taking directions, and as being a good animator. Overall Henry never really had any real need for someone to keep an eye on him which made him an exemplary worker.

According to Joey, Henry used to give pep-talks before he left the studio. This seemed to annoy Joey considerably for some reason (perhaps he was envious that Henry was generally a more likeable person).

Henry is remembered as forgettable, whereas Joey is flashier and more memorable.

Interestingly enough, Henry never claimed to own the design of Bendy, and was more interested in being business partners with Joey than starting a fuss about who owned the rights to Bendy’s creation (It’s very likely that he willingly gave Joey the design because Bendy was his character, and that instead the designs Joey did steal were that of Boris the Wolf, Alice Angel, and the Butcher Gang, the five other more notorious characters in the Bendy franchise).

--{On Abby Lambert}--

Year of Birth - ??? (It’s never mentioned how old Abby is, but I assume she’s around the same age group as Henry, since they were friends and likely went to the same art course. It’s likely that she’s younger than Joey, but not likely by much.) Year of Death - Possibly 1946 (Upon finally losing himself to the ink, Sammy seemed to have been actively hunting the Art Department and any stragglers that he encountered in the studio, so it can be assumed she died in the chaos) Birth City: ??? (Unknown but more likely to be born and raised in New York than Henry) Physical Characteristics: Frizzy hair, even when bobbed. Sexual/Romantic Preferences: Potentially Bisexual (She seemed to be acutely aware of Joey’s “peculiarities” so it’s possible she’s either a member of the LGBTQ community or perhaps an ally. Whatever the case it’s up for debate and interpretation.) Notes: Here are several notes I’ve compiled about Abby and some of her traits and mannerisms. There was surprisingly a lot more to work with than I expected.

She wasn’t really into the typical female fashion of the time. In fact, Abby wasn’t exactly fond of the typical mannerisms associated with women and was both notoriously rude and dressed herself in a “scandalously” modern manner (which is basically code for more practical less femenine clothing).

According to Joey, Abby is a very focused and determined person, which is why he admired her greatly. She didn’t know when to quit, however, and sometimes took things too far or involved others in situations or projects they didn’t want to be involved in.

She wasn’t very good at drawing original cartoon characters, and Joey was apparently not overly fond of her attempts at putting his ideas to paper due to her more realistic art style.

Abby was very insistent on Joey looking at Henry's works, even if he wasn't particularly interested in them (While it’s never said if she enjoys his art herself, it can be assumed she appreciates it enough that she’d want their mutual friend to see the potential Henry had).

She didn’t join the studio as the replacement Director of the Art Department until 1931, as during its founding she was still finishing art school. She and Henry never worked together. Despite this, she and Henry remained in touch even after he left for Pasadena.

--{On Sammy Lawrence}--

Year of Birth - ??? (From how Joey describes him, it can be assume Sammy was a teenager around either Joey’s early or late 20s before they officially met on Joey’s 30th birthday) Year of Death - 1946? (Sammy is one of few people who was turned without being killed first so it’s hard to tell if he’s really dead even within the Cycle since it’s a time loop...) Birth City: ??? (Sammy lacks a noticeable accent so it’s hard to tell where he’s from). Physical Characteristics: Has been described as bird-like and insect-like, with either brown or blond hair that’s kept longer than the typical fashion of the time (Not much more is known about his actual appearance but it can be assumed he’s either average sized or on the tall side considering his in-game height and build) Sexual/Romantic Preferences: Potentially Biromantic with a lot of Demiromantic subtones. Possibly Asexual? (Again this is pure speculation on my part because he did seem interested in Susie but isn’t really a people person in general. Does seem to know how to reign in people tho, so ???) Notes: Here are a few curious notes I’ve compiled about Sammy, the circumstances behind his hiring, and how much control he actually had as the music director.

He has an unusual appearance that, while not necessarily described as ugly, was clearly outstanding enough that some people were put off (Buddy) and others thought him handsome (Susie). His hair is also described as messy.

Sammy is an avid smoker.

He was among a few other musicians employed by the theater to drown out projector sounds and match the mood in silent films. Because he was good at improvising music on the spot, Sammy was excellent at carrying the story presented on screen through his melodies, which was what caught Joey’s eye when he first saw Sammy perform.

Sammy also recognized Joey and didn’t believe his dismissal that he was a “town person”. In fact, Sammy pinpointed the recognition to the fact Joey was that one loner that sat in the front row of the theater he played at.

It becomes very apparent that Sammy is suspicious of people in general. The way he observes others indicates he’s had some sort of struggle growing up. As such, he’s not big on sustaining conversations and he managed to aggravate Joey slightly by the way he addressed him on their first proper meeting.

Sammy had a songbook he shared with Jack, meaning they had a strong trust bond, which is why he only agrees to work for Joey based on Jack’s willingness to also be hired. Even so, he immediately set up professional boundaries for his position. He hired his own people without Joey’s interference, and he only ever indulged him if Joey was being particularly exasperating.

It’s very likely that since Sammy was the one hiring who worked for the music department, that he was the one who hired Norman Polk. This theory is made stronger by the fact he immediately demanded a projector and projectionist booth so he could better do his job.

Despite his surly disposition, Sammy is a no nonsense sort who wants things done and over with, rather than sit around and stall. As such Joey considered him one of the best decisions he made in terms of career.

Funnily enough, because the band seemed to be skittish around Joey, Sammy specifically prohibited his presence in the music department unless they had a scheduled meeting. This likely meant Joey was scarcely ever seen in the music department so as to not aggravate Sammy in person.

Alice Angel’s bigger (and failed) presence in the franchise is likely a consequence of another one of Sammy’s stipulations upon being hired. He had immediately noted that if the studio wanted to go anywhere, they’d need a female character (Perhaps Sammy really believed what he told Susie due to despising Bendy and actually favouring Alice as a character).

--{On Jack Fain}--

Year of Birth - ??? (Possibly around the same age as Sammy or a little older?) Year of Death - ??? (He was gone long before a few other people in the studio, likely in the first few experiments Joey performed) Birth City: ??? (Hard to tell, he doesn’t have an easily identifiable accent). Physical Characteristics: Has been described as an atrocious dresser (This man likes wearing bright colors!) Sexual/Romantic Preferences: Potentially Homosexual subtones (Not enough information provided to tell) Notes: Sadly lacking in the information department for Jack.

Jack is incredibly sociable and trusts easily. He's described as making bad jokes but laughing genuinely at them. His smiles are contagious.

Jack is an optimist sort who sees the good in any situation (even when being led around in a dark creepy room by a peculiar stranger).

--{On Bertrum Piedmont}--

Year of Birth - ??? (He was retired, so it’s likely he was around his 60s or early 70s when Joey first met him) Year of Death - ??? (It’s unknown when exactly he ended up in the Ink Machine but it’s very possible he was killed when all hell broke loose in the studio) Birth City: ??? (No clue). Physical Characteristics: Joey describes him (rather rudely) as a very portly man. Sexual/Romantic Preferences: ??? (No idea, chief...) Notes: Lacking in the information department like Jack, but what we get is a lot more substantial.

Bertrum was actually retired when Joey managed to get a hold of him. It took a bit of detective work on Mrs. Rodriguez's (Joey's secretary) part to actually find him as well, so he was not an easy man to get an appointment with.

His creative vision impressed Joey enough that the latter he ignored his apparent dislike for reminiscing so as to get him on board of the Bendyland project.

While discussing the Bendyland Project, Bertrum confidently jokes about it being quite the catch. He agrees to joining forces with Joey as long as he gets full creative control of the entire project. Although Joey agreed to this, he still managed to fight Bertrum on a few ideas, which annoyed him greatly.

It’s very likely that it didn’t take long for their initially friendly relationship to sour into open hostility on Bertrum’s part.

--{On Wally Franks}--

Year of Birth - ??? (No clue, but he was very likely in his late teens or early adult years when he was first hired as the studio Janitor) Year of Death - Supposedly still alive (I really do hope he got outta there like the letter insinuates...) Birth City: Brooklyn, New York. Physical Characteristics: ??? (All we know is he likely wears overalls and a sport’s cap) Sexual/Romantic Preferences: Possibly Heterosexual (Unless the letter is a forgery, he apparently has a wife, kids and grandkids) Notes: I’ll admit I didn’t expect to get Wally lore, but here we are!

Wally's actually quite skilled with maintenance. He can tinker with the projectors, other machinery and even plumbing. His schedule is a little off however, but Joey turns a blind eye to it because he gets the job done without question.

--{On Allison Pendle}--

Year of Birth - ??? (No idea! But she was relatively well known when she was hired!) Year of Death - ??? (She was likely lured back to the studio after everything went down but before Henry) Birth City: ??? Physical Characteristics: She’s a beautiful tall blonde according to DCTL Sexual/Romantic Preferences: ??? (She and Thomas are married but I honestly have no clue how to feel about her, she’s a mystery to me.) Notes: Extra minimal Allison lore for your Allison Pendle lore needs.

She was a famous Broadway actress before joining the studio. Interestingly enough, Joey was the one to hire her to replace Susie, not only breaking Sammy’s stipulation on the matter but also stirring Susie into becoming resentful towards Sammy and actually trying to recover her former role at all costs (even her own life).

--{On Nathan Arch}--

Year of Birth - ??? (He was likely a little older than Joey since they were in the army at the same time but Joey lied about his age to enlist earlier) Year of Death - N/A (Still alive and kicking) Birth City: ??? Physical Characteristics: ??? (I guess Boswell Lotsabucks is sorta modeled after him so go off on that???) Sexual/Romantic Preferences: Heterosexual (He has a wife and son and doesn’t give me any other vibes besides and overall instinctual distrust) Notes: Oh boy...I do NOT trust this man...

Immediately upon beginning reading TioL you get the impression that Nathan is not only trying to appear friendly and trustworthy by referring to himself as Nate A, but also that he’s trying to cover for Joey and make him appear more personable to the reader. But to what gain exactly?

Nathan is, like Joey, very narcissistically vain, and is also writing a book of his own (an autobiography maybe?)

He’s a smoker and prefers cigars.

When Joey discusses his childhood, Nathan is unable to contradict or confirm anything as he noted that Joey was always very private about his origins.

Nathan seemed truly surprised and impressed with Joey’s ability to make up uncannily believable stories, even suspecting that his accounts of “Lottie” might have been false as he couldn’t find any of the supposed letters Joey sent her when he started working on republishing TioL (it’s likely he could see that Joey often lied to himself just as much as he lied to others).

It seemed to Nathan that Joey was rather oblivious of subtle compliments.

By the manner of which Nathan phrases it, he seems to think of Joey as a professional and kind man, capable of seeing the good in others. That said, Nathan remarks that Henry's departure was a great betrayal for his friend, and that the latter shouldn't have been so "gracious" and "forgiving" towards him…

When the studio began to struggle financially, Nathan worried that Joey might not be aware of the issue at all, or that perhaps he was lying to himself to cope. He also later notes that Joey’s memories seemed to have deteriorated in his old age. He was often mixing up information and seemed rather guilty, which Nathan considering to be very unbecoming of the man he knew Joey to be.

A lot of the deeply philosophical Joey and Nathan interactions seen in the book might actually have occured between Joey and Henry (the "I think therefore I am" conversation is an especially telling one for me), hence why Nathan doesn't recall them. It also seems more likely because they contradict the way Joey portrays Nathan, but seem to fit his portrayal of Henry better.

#Bendy and the Ink Machine #BATIM #The Illusion of Living #TIoL #Notes #Reference