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bvnnybrains · 3 years

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Hello, friend!! I’m excited to do this exchange with you! Now if you take requests, I would love to be matched with Tim/Masky. If you do not take requests, I look forward to seeing who you pair me with!!

I usually go by the name Rose (though it’s not my birth name) and my pronouns are she/her. I might be bisexual(? still questioning) with a preference for females usually. There are a few guys though that I would be very happy with. I’m about 5’5” with a petite frame. I’ve been told I have an hourglass figure and I have long legs in proportion to the rest of me. I have naturally fluffy brown hair that I keep cut kinda short (I like to bleach and dye it occasionally) and dark brown eyes. My hair I would say is layered just above my shoulders. As for a style? It varies so much. Like I either look super punk and butch or I’m very soft and femanin. Overall, I categorize myself as having a more goth style. I definitely wear a lot of boots. From leather platform boots to cute heeled boots to hiking boots. I love them!

My zodiac signs are Aries (sun), Leo (moon), and Scorpio (rising). My personality type is INFP-T and I’m a Slytherin if that matters. People have described me as open-minded, kind, funny, and creative. But I’m also pretty stubborn (I will choose some weird ass hills to die on, too) and have been working on anger issues my whole life. I’ve been told I need to be careful as I have a tendency to open my heart too easily to others and that sometimes comes back to bite me hard… I’m pretty introverted but will absolutely stand up for my friends and can be “the mom friend” when no one else takes that role. Also, I either cry at everything way too easily or I don’t shed a single tear and look very apathetic like I don’t care in the slightest.

TW??? I guess???

I’ve been diagnosed with a few mental problems. Depression, ADHD, and bipolar are the big ones that really affect me. There’s a common misconception with bipolar disorder. It doesn’t really make you change moods on a dime, it’s more like a gradual swing from one state to another. (At least that’s how it is for me. It switches from manic focus and deep depression.) I have to take medication for these things every day which helps me manage them. I try not to let them hold me down.

A few random facts and likes: I’m Pegan but my entire family is Christian. They aren’t nasty about it, but sometimes I feel a little awkward. I’m very, very good at divination. When I do tarot readings for others, they are scarily accurate. I take pride in this.

I can play the violin (though I haven’t practiced in a while) and used to be in my school’s orchestra… before I dropped out of high school and skipped a few steps, going straight to college after a few years of anxiety.

I’m a cat person more than a dog person, but I like dogs if they’re well trained.

I use a lot of pet names for people (darling, love, honey, dear, etc.)

I grew up on a lot of old music and radio shows from the 40’s and 50’s. But my music taste is pretty expansive because of that, I don’t really have a good way to describe it :/

I enjoy cooking and I adore writing. I’m a fan of horror movies but don’t watch a lot of movies or tv otherwise. I’m a big comedy fan, whether it be standup or improv, I love to laugh. I like to sew and knit as well. My favorite season is Autumn because of the beautiful colors and the scent of rain (grew up in the pacific northwest so I love my rain). And I’m incredibly touch starved T^T

I hate spiders… not a big fan of bugs in general. Like if they exist away from me, that’s fine. But don’t touch me.

This is getting long, so I’ll end it here (you don’t need my life story lol). I look forward to what you come up with!!

Honey you were getting Tim whether you wanted him or not lmao you guys just mesh well soooo

Your match is…

Tim Wright (shocker)

♡ Our darling boy over here will kill spiders for you. I’m pretty sure he’s also not fond of them but probably won’t admit it.

♡ Okay, not gonna lie, the divination thing definitely freaked him out a bit. Although, considering his past with eldritch beings, you can’t really blame him. It’s nothing malicious either— once he gets over his initial fear he actually thinks it really cool.

♡ When he found out you liked comedy he made it a point to take you to shows. He never liked big, celebrity shows so chances are good you guys go to underground bars a lot. Unless it’s someone you really like, he’s definitely going to avoid larger, more crowded shows with you.

♡ I feel like he never really has time to watch TV. When you guys curl up on the couch and binge reallygood/really shitty horror movies, he really enjoys it. It’s probably a huge stress relief for him.

♡ Tim’s never NOT going to get flustered at the nicknames you use. Even when you’re old and 90, he’s still going to be at least a little flustered. They just make his heart flutter. He started using a few for you too— his favorite are sunshine and doll!

♡ You two are both stubborn as all hell. This is great when you guys are on the same page; this is not so great when you two have differing opinion on which coffee creamer is the best. Or which shade of green that truck was. You guys get into silly arguments all the time. He also picks weird ass hills to die on. These arguments are normally for fun and to give eachother shit (playfully ofc). You might get into legimate arguments, but after some cool down time, you guys are typically willing to talk it out.

♡ Yknow, you like old music. And so does Tim. So your weird arguments are probably never going to be over what go listen to in the car. It might be which genre of rock is better or which decade of music is the most dance-able, but for the most part, you guys are on the same page. We all know Tim’s a 70s and 80s rock dad at heart.

♡ Hes not fond of your family. At all. He knows they’re your family so at first he’s definitely a lot more subtle about it. He just doesn’t understand why they’re so nasty sometimes.

♡ Your guy’s first pet together was named Gizmo and he was the ugliest and meanest cat in the whole world but he was YOUR ugliest and meanest cat in the whole world. He was probably old as shit too. When he died, ofc y’all were sad but since he was a cuntbag you guys laughed about the stuff he did anyway. He had the best last years of his life thanks to you guys.

♡ I feel like you guys would end up settling down and buying land somewhere. Like a small witch hut with a/c and fast wifi. Once you have the room, you both bring home stray cats pretty often. You guys are old, crazy cat people who bicker over which jelly flavor you want at the grocery store. And y’all wouldn’t have it any other way

#bvnnymatches #bvnnywrites #marble hornets #creepypasta matchups #creepypasta fandom #creepypasta #tim wright #masky #mh masky #marble hornets tim #dilf masky #y’all are so cute omg

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roguephoenix85 · 3 years

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Final chapter - is Ymir badly written or is it something else? (spoiler for the end of SNK)

TW: mentions of child abuse, sexual abuse

So I’ve seen a few people confused, upset, and a little angry about the explanation for Ymir “loving” Fritz as the reason why things were as they were, and claiming it’s bad writing and rushed and what have you. I don’t claim to know all the nuances and in and outs of long form storytelling such as Attack on Titan, but I do know some things about being a victim of brainwashing, abuse, and defending the people who abused me. Some are saying it’s Stockholm syndrome, and while I don’t necessarily disagree, it’s a bit more nuanced than that. Because I did everything I could to get away from my family that hurt and abused me, but I still kept them in my life for some inexplicable reason, year after year, involving them in it and divulging information to them that they would use to harm me psychologically and mentally for their amusement and sense of power and superiority. Why? Everyone outside of my family who observed it could see that they were shitty and awful and I didn’t need them. But after 30 years of being told I’m incompetent, no one loves me like they would, I can’t take care of my life responsibly like an adult would, and that I’ll never have enough money to live unless they helped (and the condition of their help was to give them control over my care - they picked doctors, therapists, everyone, that would give them the diagnoses they wanted so it would be an easier case to be declared legally incompetent and have my mother control my financial and housing freedom), I had internalized it to such a degree that I truly believed those things about myself. My depression and suicidal thinking sprung from the conflict that this treatment wasn’t right vs. but they’re your family and they love you so they MUST be right, you MUST be an evil child to be controlled, and YOU’RE the problem. When that is all you know, you think that it’s love. Because the love you receive is conditional upon subservience.

Ymir wanted love and the only “love” was from the king once she acquired power. As much as she wanted the love she observed the only love available was manipulative and abusive. If you’ve never known actual unconditional love, you’ll take anything that you’re given. That’s why I was raped. That’s why I was molested. That’s why I allowed myself to compromise myself to stay with people who only sought to use and manipulate me for their own ends.

Because there was none around me. And when you’re terrified of death and attached to the world, wanting and hoping that someday something good will finally happen, you latch on to people, ideas, objects that end up doing more harm than good to you, because all you know is that abuse is what love is. Mistreatment is the norm. But inside, you know it’s not right. Something doesn’t feel right. So you hope. You pick the first person who gives you any value, even if it’s your value to them and not your own inherent value you’ve found for yourself. You never truly live for yourself. You’re living so that others will give you your value. Because when you did do things for yourself - you’re ridiculed. You’re betrayed. You’re humiliated and abused more. You’re kicked so much that you go back, again, and again, because the humiliation is worse than just letting them do what they want to you. That’s what happened to Ymir. The one time she did something she wasn’t “supposed to”, what happened? She got hunted and almost murdered. And when she found that power, she had value to her oppressor. Her tribe betrayed her to save themselves. This “king” tried to have her killed. But she found power. And once she had power, her abusers sought to capitalize on it. She had no one. So when you gain power and all of a sudden you have value to someone? You latch on. Because now you’re important. Now you’ve elevated yourself. But that value isn’t something for YOU. It’s something that is for the benefit of someone who only values you when you’re doing something for them.

I’ve noticed a lot of “I don’t get why Ymir would love the king, that’s bad storytelling”. My mother is a sociopath and allowed my molestation when I was a child because “everyone else went through worse and you’re a nasty little girl” - to a nine year old. She schemed to take my inheritance away from me. When my visitation with my father was over for the weekend, she would abuse and manipulate me for three days after every visit to “get me back to where I needed to be.” I would be choked, slapped, hit, have my room ransacked and destroyed if I didn’t comply with her wishes. When I wanted to kill myself because I found no solace with friends, teachers, therapists (that my mother sought out and paid for because she wanted someone to declare me incompetent or bipolar so she could take away my legal rights and exert control over every aspect of my life), neighbors, no one, even my own stepfather told me I was stupid for wanting to kill myself and that I’m ungrateful for everything. I would later discover this man was a heroin addict for longer than I had even been alive and that the only reason my mother stayed with him was because he had a large inheritance that would come to him and she could easily have his power of attorney taken away from him and control him because hey, he’s a drug addict and can’t be trusted. Better to let her take care of it all, right?

And even after all of this, I loved her. Well, I used to. I would keep wanting her love and respect because to give it up meant I had no value to anyone. The two significant others that I did have didn’t really love me, my last one was also a sociopath who convinced me to snort adderall, take hallucinogens, and stole my car to commit sexual assault against a mutual friend who had been assaulted not even 6 hours prior by someone else. When all you know is abuse, manipulation, gaslighting, and harming yourself to get a modicum of dignity and respect and love, of COURSE you stay. Because no one else loves you, right? You’re worthless and stupid and have no value except to me. I’m the only one who can love you. I’m the only one who can use you properly. Just do what I say and what I want and don’t complain or worse will happen to you. Families don’t do this to each other, you’re just mad that I’m better than you. Choices are hard, let me make them for you because clearly you can’t handle the “real world.”

When you are told these things and unduly punished for pushing back against it, of COURSE you think it’s love. Because no one is giving it to you otherwise. They isolate you, triangulate you so you HAVE to go back to them. And you do it. Because there’s nothing else around you showing you otherwise. It’s only when you share the story with others, or view it through the lens of someone else, that you understand how fucked it truly is. Under the under, Ymir is a child. She’s a child who wants to be loved. And all she’s known is manipulation and abuse. For thousands of years, because each “founder” was just her original abuser in a new body. Like Zeke.

Until Eren. Who saw her story, and instead of using her, validated her. Saw her experiences through an objective lens and said ENOUGH OF THIS. This is WRONG. It’s SICK. And it won’t end unless I do this. Until I give her the choice to break free. All it takes is one person to listen to you and hear you and your world is changed. But she never appeared as she did when she died. She was still a hurt child beholden to her abusers. And in this instance, the only thing that could make it stop is destroying it completely.

Is genocide wrong? Yes. Is scapegoating an entire race of people in the name of world unity wrong? Yes. Is using children for war and power and brainwashing them wrong? Yes. This world is cruel. It always was. That’s been the thesis of this story from day one. But. It’s also beautiful. But you have to allow that beauty in. You have to show it to people. Ymir wasn’t able to see any of it until it was far too late, but not from her own conscious choice. She’s just a child who wants to be loved and only found manipulation. And was scared of “death” because that meant there was no love in the world. None for her. Her existence was to be used and fucked to death metaphorically. And when that’s the only love you’re given and told to expect, you hold on to it and believe there’s nothing better.

Until someone or something objective comes along, hears your pain, shares it, validates it, and then tells you it’s fucked up that that’s how you were forced to live. When everything you’ve known is a fucking lie, you do want to scorch the earth somewhat. All these people that could have helped you and they said fuck you, I’ll use you too. Standing up to your abuser is scary. I’m currently suing my mother now, and I’ve been terrified of her retaliation even though I’m 35. Because she has money and people she can manipulate into harassing me on her behalf. Even though I’ve taken as many precautions as I can, there’s still things she can do - ensure I get none of my inheritance, destroy my childhood memories, slander me publicly, fly out to where I live and stalk me or have others stalk me, or find people loyal to her to assert that I should be declared incompetent because of my autism, even though I have my own doctors I see now who disagree with that sentiment. It’s scary, but it’s right. But I’m also an adult now, and when I realized that my stepfather was telling everyone in the family that when he was high on ketamine I convinced him to murder my birth father, and that it was MY IDEA, and that my mother lied about reporting my sexual abuse to DHS because she wanted to protect her brother, his kid that abused me, and their family over me, and also had me lie about my birth father abusing me by convincing me “Oh it was so traumatic you can’t remember” so she could get custody of me just because she hated him, I finally said enough. But I didn’t have an Eren to help me make that decision. Or a Mikasa to do what needed to be done.

Ymir is still just a child mentally. Separation from that, especially when you’re a child and have no other allies in the world and you’re told worse could happen to you if you separate from your abusers, is difficult. And sometimes nonsensical. I know a lot of people were confused as to why I would still try to involve my mother in my life after the insanely fucked up shit she would do. But you don’t know any better when you’re the target. My reasoning is that I’m an adult now and I have a life of my own I’ve built despite her. Ymir didn’t have, or didn’t understand, that choice. So she stayed. Asking for breadcrumbs of love and respect and dignity from lesser beings. To quote Chelsea Hart “You want to be worshipped by a goddess without having to be a god.” She had the power, and she didn’t know what to do because she was a child. So she gave away her power. And by then it was too late to be properly reasoned with. The only way to stop it was to destroy all of it. Because when you’re a child you don’t have the benefit of retrospect. You have a limited view of the world because you’re a child. You’ve been sheltered and told manipulative bullshit to keep you down, so breaking free is the radical thing. And when you’re a child, you don’t know moderation. You’re impulsive and your emotional intelligence is limited. So of course the rumbling is the result. But you also think you still love your abuser. Because that’s all you know truly, and when you don’t see it until it’s too late, this is the result. It’s tragic, but Isayama never said this was a happy story. And considering how he WAS going to end it, giving who remains another chance at life and evening the playing field by having Paradis’ army now be comparable to the opposition army, and having the curse of the Titans eliminated from the world, that’s a pretty good ending for them.

I mean, isn’t that what Eren’s goal was since he was a child? To eliminate the Titans from the Earth? I’d say that mission is fully accomplished now.

#snk meta #attack on titan #shingeki no kyojin #snk chapter 139 spoilers #snk ch 139 #I thought the ending was fine and appropriate to what he built up #but a lot of people don't seem to understand the pull of a deeply manipulative abusivve relationship and it shows #so I wanted to give context since them saying ymir staying with him is bad writing #it's not bad #it's just outside of certain scopes of imagination and experience #people who grew up in normal households have a harder time understanding why people stay with abusers #and some of the victims will claim its love #and i thought i was being loving by understanding her #but when the truth came out i had to be my own eren and mikasa #and i had and am still learning what true understanding caring and empathy are #getting rid of the bullshit from my mind #but for those who haven't experienced that kind of trauma and abuse yeah it pry seems poorly written and inconceivable #but i'm here to say it's not that crazy and not necessarily bad writing or characterization #it's just a deeply traumatic abusive relationship that one has no other workable context for besides you know its wrong but no one else will #give you what you need #so you take it where you can and hope that it's the right love #but it never is #hopefully this illuminates that choice for some of you guys

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thechangeling · 4 years

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The Fall

This is a one shot I wrote about my OC Gianna Blackthorn-Rosales, one of Kierarktina's kids. Full disclosure, I don't have bipolar, but I do suffer from depression and I did some research to fill in the blanks. Thank you to Halima and Ellie from helping me with the Spanish.

Tw for Depression and suicidal thoughts.

When Gianna woke up, she felt as though she was under water. Her limbs were heavy as if they were weighted down with led. Her alarm was blaring from her phone with zero sympathy. Gianna groaned and fumbled around for her phone to turn it off.

Shit. She felt like absolute garbage. Everything hurt. Everything felt hallow and empty like a great big hole had been carved out of her chest. Mornings were never fun, but today especially sucked. The idea of moving to get up, or even keeping her eyes open felt like absolute torture.

Gigi had recently come down from a manic episode and now she was sinking, unable to stay afloat. Not that she even really wanted to. Not right now at least.

That's when she remembered. Today was test day. Of fucking course. Testing day was when every shadowhunter under 18 had to undergo a series of skill tests, with weapons and also hand to hand combat. They were given scores based on how well they did and then those scores then were sent back to the Clave.

Of course it had to be today of all days. That was the problem with mental illness. It didn't care if you had a schedule to keep or things you needed to do. It just bulldozed it's way through your life, screwing everything up and then leaving you to clean up the mess.

Gianna grabbed her phone and typed out a quick message to her brother Nico.

I'm sick today, tell mama I can't do it.

Her therapist would tell her that avoidance wasn't healthy, but she would argue that sleeping right now was definitely the best thing for her. Unfortunately in fights such as these, the professionals usually won.

Gianna felt guilt and shame start to trickle in, greeting her like old friends. You're pathetic. You're a pitiful excuse for a shadowhunter. That's what everyone else is thinking and they're right. You're worthless. Everyone would be better of if you were gone.

Her phone vibrated next to her with a text from Nico. Gianna picked it up, already knowing what it would say.

Shadowhunters don't get sick. No one will buy it. Come on Gigi you need to try. He wrote.

Gianna fought the urge to scream. Try? Like she wasn't trying? Did they all think she was pulling this crap on purpose for shits and giggles? She was really getting sick of most people.

She was sick of her parents, sick of her siblings, sick of her cousins Ellie and Anthony even though they didn't get to see each other very often.

She was even sick of Anabla. Which made Gianna very scared. She loved her girlfriend but sometimes everything just became too overwhelming. Her father was always busy running his kingdom and whenever she went to Unseelie, many people always made it very clear that she was not welcome. Her father didn't even really understand how mental illness worked, but then again neither did her mama and papa.

Shadowhunters weren't supposed to be sick and neither were faeries.

Suddenly there was a banging on her door. "Gianna!" She heard her mother's voice on the other side of the door "¿Qué esta pasando?"

Gianna shut her eyes. Maybe if she pretended to be asleep her mama would leave her alone. It was unlikely but still. Her mother pounded on the door again. "Alleya!" She shouted angrily.

Well fuck. That was never good. As soon as her mother used Gianna's fae name, it meant that she was in big trouble.

"Ok yeah I'm coming!" She yelled back. Gianna took a deep breath and pulled herself to her feet.

I can do this. She thought to herself. It's gonna be ok. Just get though this then you can go back to bed.

She put on her gear and began to braid her hair into a faerie style. It was a personal tradition of Gianna's, to braid her hair like a faerie and pull it back so that her pointy ears were exposed whenever she had an offical shadowhunter event of some kind.

Outside she could hear the sounds of Shadowhunters arriving at The New York Institute by portal. Gianna and her family had slept over at the institute so they wouldn't have to travel. She could instantly hear the cheerful loud voices of her cousins, as well as her aunts and uncles greeting each other.

One big happy family.

Gianna could feel the aches in her muscles as if she was sore from a good work out. Getting through testing would be absolute hell.

But she would do it. She grabbed her bow from it's hook on her bedroom wall as well as her quiver of arrows, and marched outside to meet her fate.

The wave of liveliness hit Gianna like a truck. There were older shadowhunters gossiping and catching up with one another, while teenagers and kids of all ages darted excitedly around each other gathering their weapons and gear. She noticed her mama and papa talking with her tías, Helen and Aline. Nico was being bombarded by hugs from their tìo Jules and tìa Emma. Even though they were all on her papa's side of the family, her mama had no siblings. In fact she didnt have any family she was in constant contact with since they were all in Mexico. So at her mama's request, Gianna called all of her papa's siblings tía or tío as a way to keep her connected to her culture.

As for her father's side of the family, it was basically just a long string of "these people want me dead", so nobody was getting any names of any kind.

Then there was Kit and Ty, who Gianna called by their first names because they were so close. She had always felt better connected to them for some reason.

Speaking of.

She spotted them over by the corner if the room. Ty had his headphones on and Kit was hugging-

Oh great.

She was here.

Mina freaking Carstairs.

Wonderful.

Which begged the question, what was she doing here exactly? She was 18. She was supposed to be done with these sorts of tests.

Gianna watched as perfect Mina rushed over to great a screaming Ellie, who was her Parabatai, and Anthony and that was when it dawned on her. Right. Of course.

Mina had come to watch them.

The perfect supportive friend and Parabatai. Always smiling. Always ever so sweet and polite.

Yeah Gianna really wasn't a fan.

Nico would tell her that she was being irrational, and she probably was. But Mina Carstairs had always looked down on her with that familiar expression of pity and disgust.

It might have had something to do with the time Gianna had tried to steal Church during one of her manic episodes. Or the time when she woke Mina and Ellie up by blasting heavy metal at three in the morning while making brownies at the LA institute.

In her defense, she couldn't sleep.

Gianna knew lots of people always assumed she was doing these things on purpose. Like she was purposefully trying to sabotage everything in her life. That was probably one of the most irritating things about having a mental illness, being blamed for the things that you had no control over.

Being held to neurotypical standards was also shitty.

"You look like you're about keel over and die on us" said a voice at her shoulder.

Gianna whipped around and breathed a sigh of relief.

Magnus.

Gianna couldn't quite managed a smile, but she instantly flung her arms around him in a hug which he returned.

"Hey there little shadowfae" he cooed. It was the nickname he had for her ever since she was a kid. "Are you taking your meds?" He asked her with his head still resting on her shoulder.

Gianna groaned, lightly pushing him away. "Why can't you just greet me like a normal person? What ever happened to, "How are you?" Or, "What great weather we've been having lately!" She rolled her eyes.

Magnus looked sympathetic as he placed a hand on her shoulder and squeezed. "I'm sorry Gigi. I'm just worried about you." He said softly.

Magnys was essentially the one who had jumpstarted her treatment, the same way he did with Thaís. He contacted Caterina, who contacted a doctor with the sight to get Gianna diagnosed, on medication and into counseling.

Her therapist was actually half Unseelie, half mundane. She was fairly sweet, and she and Gianna got along pretty well. It could have been a lot worse.

Gianna nodded, "Yeah I know. I am." She protested.

That was mostly true, although there was one week when she had gone to Unseelie to visit Anabla and forgotten to bring her meds with her. She was paying for that now.

"Everyone! Could I have your attention please!" They were interrupted by the voice of the consul. Alec Lightwood-Bane was standing in the middle of the room. Several members of the council were standing with him. "We will begin testing in five minutes! If all of the perticipents could please make their way down to the institute's training room. Thank you."

Magnus caught Alec's eye and smiled at him from across the room. He then sighed and squeezed Gianna's shoulder again. "Well. I should go join my husband" he said matter of factly. "Good luck little one."

Gianna managed a small smile. "Thanks Mags."

Gianna stood in place for awhile, willing herself to move. People passed by around her like waves moving around a bolder. No one played her a second glance, not her cousins, and certainly not Mina Carstairs. Her parents were probably busy with Nico.

The living room filtered out and then she was alone. Standing in the middle of the room with a bow in her hand.

See. The voice told her. You're all alone. You're always alone. No one really cares about you.

She tried to protest, tried to fight it but she was just too tired. And there was that old familiar feeling again. A feeling beyond exhaustion, beyond despair, and beyond hopelessness.

Inevitability.

The feeling that at the end of the day this is all that you are, and all you ever will be.

And there's nothing that can change that.

#tsc #tda #twp #kierarktina #kierarktina children #my oc #kaitlin'swriting

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annoyedlord · 4 years

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What would you consider your defining life moments?(if you feel comfortable sharing of course!)

Mh.... the date might be inaccurate but time/dates doesn’t work well with me haha Also bear with me: it’s long and not the happiest.

Tw: Suicidal thoughts, Surgery, Scariffication, panic attacks, parental abuse/father abuse

2000. Kindergarten. I go to the psychiatrist for the first time. I don’t have many memories of it aside of managing to get my psychiatrist to buy more toys for the sessions because there was only one dinosaur and it was unfair. I’m what I’ll call “A girl by default” but I hate it.

Somewhere in 2008/2009. I have suicidal thoughts and depression but don’t know what it is, I have literally a whole month where I don’t shower because I cannot, it’s physically and psychologically impossible. I’m starting my teenage years with the need to kill myself, the impossibility to do basic tasks and for the first year since my 6yo without any kind of therapist or psychiatrist. My friends at that time don’t deal with it, I’m kinda left behind. (But I’ll meet a better group later ✨). No one is alarmed by my comportment, nor the teachers, nor my parents who aren’t home. I write my first suicide letter. In a more happy note, I get some good ass friend 🐾!! In the following years I’ll date few girls, labeling myself lesbian or bisexual, but never liking it. Got into my very first and quite terrible unhealthy relationship.

2010. I meet my forever best friend, Matthias. I will die for this man.

2011. I discover Don’t hug me I’m scared. This will shape a lot of who am I today, weirdly. At this moment I’m also a huge weeb boy. Totally a huge UwU trash. Absolute garbage. I start to draw digitally by tracing over anime pictures of google. I do a lot of RPs of my OCs. I am also already talking of “becoming a boy when I’ll be an adult”. My mental health is going worst and I made few suicide attempts. I have my very first panic attack, very violent. I’m confused? But I’m fine. I cut myself for the first time.

December 2011. I get my second surgery. At the age of 15, I have to learn again how to stand, sit and walk. My body feels even less like mine, everything hurts and I spend most of my days on codeine and morphine to ease the pain. I stay two weeks at the hospital and I’m sent back home with the authorization to go back to school. I couldn’t stand or sit for long. To this day, I cannot sit, walk or stand for long, sometimes even laying down is painful. From disabled with a deformity to disabled but without the deformity. I have a huge scar going through all my back. I hate it.

2012. I get my cat Tacos Mozart and I will explode the world for him.

From here there is a huge gap of memories.

2015. I come out to my mom in the car. “Mom, I’m a boy.” to which she just “Okay but are you still going to pay McDonald’s?”. I start more officially my quest on “how to become a boy”. I find the term transgender. I don’t like it (for me) but I use it because that’s the only way I have to explain myself. The guy I’m dating at the time supports me (too bad he will cheat on me later haha), so it makes me feel confident. I get a LOT of refusal from many psychiatrists. In the meanwhile, I made even more suicide attempts and survive, get a therapist who will make me hate therapy and a psychiatrist who will basically tell me to go fuck myself. I leave the therapy center where I was crying of anger, frustration and more.

2016. Awful year, and yet, I survived????? @linkedsoul and I start to date I THINK?? because we actually don’t know?? when?? how?? , which is by far the best thing that ever happened to me tbh. Despite living in the same house than I, my father stops talking to me.

2017. I get myself a job at L#sh at the end of the year. First job where I am respected as a man, called as so... unless the customers call me a woman. No one corrects them. They let it flow. I have an awful manager but hey, that’s work. I see @borderline-rat in the shop one day and decide that he will be my friend. I manage to befriend him and now he’s stuck with me FOREVER. Good luck you bitch >:) for the first time in my life, I live alone (for 3 months).

2018. After years of psychological abuse and manipulation and after drying my mother’s bank account, my father kicks us out of the house. We are homeless haha. My mom and I end up living at my aunt’s for a while. My mom realizes that my father used her for so many things and start to heal. I start T. My depression get worst. I’m introduced to Jerome to who I say in our very first meeting “French dicks are ugly.” and with that he became my therapist.

2019. We find a new home. I get a new cat. I get diagnosed with bipolarity and PTSD. I start meds. My meds want me dead twice. I go so often to the clinic that the staff knows me lol I get my first tattoo in December. I’m slowly very very babily starting to heal. A brand offers me to work with them and I say no. Fuck u. I tattoo.

2020. I get my boobs off my chest with @borderline-rat . My kitten stinks like hell. My meds sorta work. I’m doing better. I have 26 tattoos or so? and at least 3 more coming soon.

I’m not a good person at all, but I’m kind because of what happened to me, I’d say—

Edit: I can’t find when but whenever I met @mother-of-all-monsters shaped me as a person because this fucking moron is my best friend for who I’d roll over a grandma if it was needed

#tw: suicide attempt #tw: kys #tw: surgery mention #tw: abuse #tw: panic attack #tw: suicidal thoughts #tw: scarification #sorry thats not happy haha

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provincetown-hq · 4 years

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“Big butt. Bigger heart.”

Full Name: Ryan O'Callaghan

Age: 26

Gender: Non-Binary Person.

Preferred Pronouns: They/Them, He/Him

Faceclaim: Harry Styles

Occupation: Server at I SCREAM

Residence: Apartment.

How long have they lived in P-Town? 1 Year.

TW: MENTAL ILLNESS: MENTIONS OF BIPOLAR DISORDER.

A typical one night stand child isn’t something that anyone is really excited for and in this case, Ryan’s birth mother considered it to be a curse. Ryan wasn’t a baby that was wanted, or loved, or really had a family that truly wanted him around until he was the age of three - when he was put up for adoption. Three years was enough for Ryan’s mother to realize that her baby was too much responsibility, even if she did try - with her own mental illnesses, there was no way Ryan would have been born and raised in a ‘normal’ environment. Ryan was in the system until he was nearly four, that’s when his adoptive parents Walter and Daniella O’Callaghan appeared in Ryan’s life and made it for the better. Though Ryan didn’t think so.

As the years went on, Ryan was having more and more trouble in school. He couldn’t concentrate, he was finding himself lashing out and having disruptive episodes that no one really could handle and no one could understand why. It wasn’t until he was thirteen that Ryan had been diagnosed as Bipolar I. Ryan’s family began taking him regularly to doctors, therapists, you name it just to see if they could help their son and help with his condition and it worked for awhile, even getting Ryan into his artwork. It was really the only thing that kept him busy, kept his mind focused on one thing and kept him at ease. He could just paint or draw how he was feeling on a blank canvas and it always looked much more beautiful than how he was actually feeling internally. But Ryan was definitely an artist, that much was obvious as he began going to art shows, art galleries, museums, etc. He wanted to leave his mind behind, leave his visuals behind, he wanted people to see what it was like to live like him. To deal with what he dealt with, he wanted to show the world just who he was through his paintings.

At age fifteen, Ryan found who he thought was the love of his life. He had just come out as gay, he had been trying to find a relationship like all of his other peers in school, and that’s when he met Quincy. He was a sophomore when Ryan was just a freshman but god he was beautiful. Ryan was head over heels for him and all it took was Ryan being a bit ballsy and in a highly elevated mood to actually convince the guy to take him out. And it worked, but little did Ryan know it would soon be one of the worst mistakes he’d ever made. Two years into their relationship and Ryan was a victim of domestic abuse - though he never really noticed it because it was always in the bedroom that things became so violent. And it became the only way that Ryan could really get off thanks to the man. And Ryan always had an excuse, ‘it was just a one time thing,’ ‘oh, it was just something new,’ ‘it was just a game, chill,’ and excuse after excuse just continued. That was until it was pushed too far and Ryan was slowly showing signs of an eating disorder - thanks to his boyfriend constantly commenting on the little love handles he had, or a little jiggle in his thigh area. And the more the man commented on it, the more insecure Ryan became and things progressed from there.

Seventeen, Ryan and Quincy break up but it wasn’t easy. He was Ryan’s first love, and he hated the fact that the man had broken him so badly. But he had to move on. A year in self recovery, Ryan was still miserable and thought the only thing he could do to make someone happy was to fuck them. That’s when Ryan began dabbling in screwing men here and there and everywhere just to fuck the pain out of his system - but that only helped for so long and then you came and felt shittier than you had to begin with. At eighteen, Ryan began university and started studying the theory of art and visual art. It had always been his guilty pleasure and he truly wanted to become something and get his name out there with pretty paintings and paintings so wild that you’d get lost in them just admiring them. He wanted it all. 22 and he was graduated and decided to move to the states. Ryan decided to head to LA, he got a few odd and end jobs here and there, but it wasn’t exactly covering the bills. That’s when Ryan was approached by a man who turned him onto Erotic modeling. It was definitely some of the best times of his life, the clothes, the traveling, the new people, meeting designers and other important people - Ryan truly had been living the dream. And then he met Felix. The man turned helped turn Ryan into the bratty spoilt little that he is today. They fell for one another after agreeing to have a dominant and submissive relationship. Felix truly changed Ryan’s life for the better - even if there were hard times between the two - but after two years, Ryan had to go. He had to venture out there and experience what life was about. He couldn’t be tied down to a man without living first. And with a heavy heart, Ryan explained that he had to go - he had to find himself, he had to see what else was out there. Of all places, he hit up Provincetown – it was a fresh start, and he wanted to really give this whole life thing a go. which meant going somewhere that no one knew of him, or his outbursts. And Ryan couldn’t be happier.

✓ protean, forthright, freewheeling ✘ cantankerous, histrionic, quixotic

@ryvnocal

#Mental Illness TW #PTown Bios #PTown NB #ch: Ryan O'Callaghan #harry styles fc #ProvincetownHQ

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collabwithmyself · 4 years

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SWAA/AAINH - Seth Wingstrom (tw for gaslighting, smoking)

Alright uhhh let’s start with our main man Seth, whose parents do NOT know how to stop having kids and this causes him and his twin brother Raphael, the eldest siblings, to be pretty severely neglected. They had to learn to raise themselves pretty much once their younger siblings started being born.

The Bullshit starts at age nine, when Raph and Seth go out to play in the woods and take their next-eldest sibling Castiel with them. The three find an old, rotting, abandoned treehouse, and Raph dares Seth to climb up while Cas expresses caution. Seth winds up giving into pressure from Raph and climbs up, but the ladder buckles under his weight halfway up and he falls and breaks his arm.

He passes out from the shock, and when he wakes up in the hospital his parents aren’t happy with him. Raph intimidated Cas into being quiet and convinced their parents that climbing the ladder was Seth’s idea and he tried to talk Seth out of it. So Seth has a choice to make: take the blame and protect his brother for what he feels was a perfectly innocent misunderstanding, or stand up for his and Cas’s honor. He winds up telling the truth, and Cas backs him up. Raph and Seth both get in trouble for being reckless, and Raph feels betrayed.

Seth’s mother doesnt want him getting hurt again, so she keeps him indoors and has him help around the house and help raise the kids. Raph sees this as Seth getting more attention (even though he’s still being neglected) and grows even more angry at him. Raph decides to engage in psychological warfare - salting Seth’s food, knotting his shoelaces together, innocent little “pranks” that could easily be seen as slip-ups on Seth’s part with no way to trace them back to Raphael. Seth starts to grow paranoid, and begins doubting his memory when his parents dismiss his concerns enough times.

At some point, Seth’s father starts giving him cigarettes, and Seth very quickly becomes addicted to them to cope with the stresses of being a parent to his own siblings, Raphael’s bullying, and pressure from school and church. He tries his best to hide it from other people. In fact, he becomes a very secretive and reserved person in general, placing other people’s needs before his own.

With being so busy at home, he has no time to search for a job, and winds up staying with his parents as his siblings start moving away, and younger ones replace them. He’s not sure how much more of this he can take. He constantly stifles it along with thoughts about his own identity, but he dreams of something more to life, some way he can be useful to more than just his immediate family.

And then at the ripe age of twenty-three, he catches wind of the trial of a murder case - State v. Powers - and he’s absolutely riveted. He follows the case to its conclusion, and something is sparking in him. Defending the innocent, upholding justice, it’s speaking to him, and for once, he wants to stoke the flame. He starts studying law in what little spare time he has, and meets veteran defense attorney Erasmus Rockefeller who offers to take him under his wing.

Finally, there’s something more to his life, and he’s allowed to be just a little selfish, to pursue his own desires freely. He’s conflicted about leaving home when his parents clearly need the help, but he ultimately makes the choice he needs. He gets out of the house and starts living with Erasmus, gets diagnosed and medicated for his bipolar disorder, and starts socially transitioning with the purchase of a binder. Roughly two years later, halfway through law school, his idol Phoenix Wright is disbarred for forgery of evidence. It’s disheartening, but not deterring. He has a new, more personal role model in the form of Elmo, and he’s going to pursue this career if it kills him.

Now, Raphael has caught wind of this by now, and he’s not too jazzed that Seth is looking happy after all the perceived slights against him. He decides that he’s going to beat Seth at his own game and force him back out of the one place he’s started to feel comfortable by becoming a prosecutor.

Seth’s very first case winds up being for some strangely youthful oddball calling starself Verity, but Raph prosecuting the case isn’t going to be enough to sway him from believing in his client. He wins a not guilty verdict for Verity, who starts hanging around Rockefeller and Co. and spending time with Seth and Elmo. Seth is grateful for the company, even if he’s slipping back into old habits by keeping an eye on star.

Seth defends two more cases for Joshua O'Reilly and Dexter Blanche before everything just… goes to absolute shit for poor Verity. State v. Price is a fucking MESS, but he pulls through for stars sake.

Seth decides to approach Raphael after the trial for a heart to heart, and the two take a walk while Seth reminisces about their childhood and how their parents’ neglect hurt both of them. Seth, to his own surprise, finds himself unable to forgive Raphael despite the fact that he wants the best for him, and expresses this, stating it would be better for them both to go their separate ways.

And, well. Raphael doesn’t take that well. He feels like Seth has been entirely unfair this whole time, and now he’s acting like he gets to just walk away? Raph isn’t having it.

So he just… snaps.

Raph grabs an abandoned bit of pipe, and well, Seth hasn’t been eating well or exercising, and smoking hasn’t done him any favors either. Once he’s finished taking his rage out on his brother, Raphael ties him to the chain link fence by the river with his own scarf, and leaves Seth to bleed out.

Seth’s found by Rin Okamura, a geneticist who unfortunately has zero interest in taking him to the hospital. They drag him off to a ditched, run-down house they’ve set up a makeshift lab in, and set about fixing him in the fashion they deem fit.

And, well… hm.

Why don’t we talk about someone else!

#collab writes #aainh #seth #raphael #verity #elmo #swaa #akiko

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tessacxstello · 4 years

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hello im (F, 24) an idiot and forgot to post tessa’s (F, 22, fictional) intro!

pls bare in mind most of this was written 5+ years ago n i haven’t written tessa since 2015...... but lets get this show (LOCKWOODRP) on the road (DASHBOARD).

tw school shooting, tw bipolar disorder

art hoe. always covered in paint. why?? she bad at painting

the mark rothko jackson pollock kind of bad tho wher people are like.... omg.... revolutionary..... its a badly drawn vagina

fuckin loves astrology, but cant take it that seriously bcos one of her bfs was a gemini so there’s some lenience there. but she WILL blame her hormones and mood swings on the positon of mars

embodies pure sunshine.

one of those really annoying people that can go through the most traumatic shit and still find a positive spin.

cares so much for others but does not really care for herself n it’s meant she just bottles up all this shit n when someone asks her how her day has gone she just falls on the ground like tht bit in midsommar when florence does that loud wheezy noise and sits down

has never really had much money at all. learns to make-do with what she has. loves upcycling!! her bookshelf is made from cardboard which she’s reinforced by pappering it over with pages ripped out of thrifted books. her sofa is an old car boot which she’s repainted, put on wheels and stuffed w cushions so that it’s actually bearable to sit on.

her knitted cardigan? its made out of wife material.

knits all the time. will crochet you a christmas scarf. if ur lucky you might get a knitted jumper with a penis in a santa hat

still sleeps with cuddly toys n then wonders why ppl dont think she’s mature enough for a serious relationship

very passionate about Sister Doing It For THemselves!! raised by a single mom who worked her ass off so that tessa could do fun activities after school, have lelli kelly shoes, and go to college (not necessarily in tht order of importance)

tessa was born out of wedlock as the result of an affair between her mom (a journalism intern in her early 20s) and a new york times editor.

the editor offered to pay tessa’s mom off to have an abortion, but she was like fuck u and told the papers he’d done that and used the money to cover the cost of her internship which they refused to pay her for

and because of the scandal, he ended up going through a pretty messy divorce with his wife, and losing custody of his kids. so as a child tessa was seen as the cause of a divorce and received mutliple letters from the editors wife (to tessa personally!) and his kids saying how she had ruined everything, but her mom moved them to another town so tessa didn’t have to deal with that crap.

her mom worked 3 jobs to put her through school, so in return tessa pushes herself incredibly hard to succeed. needs a break and a hug and to get laid to be honest.

an old soul. likes old films, old music, old people. only recently got an iphone 5s so not really with this century yet

very sweet and soft and kind but also a fucking mess and won’t listen to anyone else’s opinion. she’ll take comfort, but not advice.

feminist buddhist bisexual vegetarian for human rights and animal welfare. standing on a soapbox shouting about the climate in the quad, shoving flyers into your hands. flyers everwhere. she turns up at your grandmas funeral and shoves one into her mouth. she’s stolen the mic from the vicar to talk about pandas.

says “mother of pearl” and “heavens to betsy”.

had an affair with her married piano teacher and he’s now facing a custody battle and his wife is leaving him and tessa has completely internalised that guilt despite her being the victim in the scenario

aesthetics: paint splattered jeans, loose curls spilling from a scrunchie, thrifted blouses in bright yellow, guzzling coffee in the library at three am when a term paper’s due, shoddily illustrated campaign posters to save endangered species, polaroids plastered to your bedroom walls with scribbled dates on the frames, jumping into a stack of autumn leaves, jumping off piers in the summer months and stripping off your wet clothes on the beach, digging your thumbs into peaches to leave a bruise, smoking with the extractor fan on to hide the smell, bath bombs, letting the girls at lush rub samples all over your skin, cacti with knitted bobble hats, decorative pillows and sun and moon blanket throws, basic bitch fairy lights hanging from every single window, painting the name of the boys you’ve loved inside your wardrobe door.

studies fine art and philosophy, and wants to become either a lecturer or the first woman president. vibe wise, very similar to leslie knope, missy from big mouth, and basically the naive everygirl with a high opinion of themselves trope

gets drunk off like one double vodka lemonade because she’s small and she’s a pretty messy wild drunk. it’s when slutty tessa comes out, and the next day she’ll thoroughly regret every choice made and decide she’s never drinking again and cutting out all men and starting daily sudoko

on the cheerleading team and is a flyer, which she sees as a HUGE responsibility and she works really hard to make sure she’s on it for her team. one of those get up at 7am and go to the gym before school types its sickening

she had a really traumatic time at high school because there was a shooting in her school. she was in the next classroom when it happened, and she lost one of her friends in the shooting. she had to take two months off school, was diagnosed with depression and put on anti-depressants because of it. in her 2nd year of uni she was rediagnosed with bipolar disorder and anxiety, which she’s now on medication for. she can be really good for several months at a time and feel super creative and determined (she actually finds manic periods helpful for her creativity n art, n sadly sometimes doesn’t take her meds in these periods to push herself more which is obvs super bad.....). but when the bad periods come they can also last months n she had to take a semester out of school last year because of her mood, so she should be a senior by now but she’s retaking junior year

she attends weekly stress-management sessions prescribed by her doctor which she finds pointless.

very childish in the sense that she can only see her own point of view and kind of views herself as the “protagonist” and thinks her ideas are super important and life changing and she IS Destined for Greatness! despite being pretty much average af

pinterest board.

STATS

age: 22

height: 5'2"

positive traits: kind-hearted, gregarious, selfless, philosophical, open minded, idealistic, courageous, feisty, charismatic, loyal, adventurous.

negative traits: stubborn, hot-headed, reticent, escapist, self-destructive, easily led, naive, troubled, complicated, stepford smiler, envious, overdramatic, explosive.

distinguishing Marks: heart-shaped birthmark on the right of her chest, splattering of freckles across the cheeks during summer months, full lips, large eyes, porcelain features, long wavy hair, tattoo of a bird and a cage on her ankles and a basic bitch arrow tat on her wrist (srry to anyone with an arrow tat).

skills: jack-of-all-trades, talented pianist, perceptive, knows the correct way to throw a punch, good survival instinct, is able to remain calm in stressful situations, endures, artistic, excels in academic studies, hard-working and self-motivated, expert liar and talented actress.

likes: wolves, vintage thrift store fashion, old leather-bound books, left-wing democratic politics, cigarettes, poetry, John Hughes movies, cold coffee, hot tea, the sound of laughter, staying up til 4am having deep conversations, Tchaikovsky, having deep conversations about life, stationary, DC Comics, horoscopes, winged eyeliner, cats, knee-high socks, house music, abandoned buildings, studio ghibli, the smell of the earth after rain, Wes Anderson films, herbal tea, old people, solitude, esoteric things, the smell of freshly baked bread, Charles Bukowski, the moon.

fears: death, oblivion, global warming, losing those she loves, isolation, clowns, guns, enclosed spaces.

nicknames: Tess, T-Dog, Tessie, Socrates, Princess, Sunshine Girl, Florence Nightingale.

alignment: Neutral Good

MBTI type: INFP

BIOGRAPHY

tw school shooting

Her story begins with Cordelia Costello, a twenty-three year old college drop-out, turned beautician, turned columnist, turned intern at a local publishing company. She was a youthful, beautiful, siren of a women, always surrounded by an aura of enigma and an entourage of men. It was no surprise to the gossips in the office that within six months working at the company, Cordelia had added to her list another title – mistress to Franklin Hozier, the Editor of the New York Times. After two blissful months and three hundred and twenty seven orgasms, Cordelia decided she wanted a baby. Franklin laughed in her face. Feeling isolated and used, Cordelia continued her affair with her boss’ boss for another month, before deciding to take matters into her own hands.

It started with a turkey baster.

Soon the infant cries of a baby girl graced the world, her wrinkled skin puckered and pink as her mother held her in her arms, glancing upon the most beautiful thing in her life. Once Tessa, named after Cordelia’s favourite literary heroine, entered the world, Franklin left her life and things took a turn for the better. Despite living in a rented one-bedroom apartment in Staten Island, on what little money Cordelia had saved, Tessa’s childhood years were filled with nothing but the happiest of memories. Times were tough, but what they lacked in money, the Costello’s made up in love. While Tessa was at school, Cordelia did odd jobs cleaning, child-minding, working in local nurseries, in order to save up enough money to give her daughter the best start in life.

Despite what she had been led to believe by television shows and teen movies, the first few years of High School were some of the best years of her life. Tessa threw herself into a multitude of activities that High School offered her, including the drama club, the orchestra, choir, badminton and the school newspaper. While she certainly wasn’t considered ‘popular’ at school, Tess had a wide circle of friends and acquaintances. In fact, High School was a place where she made some of the greatest memories of her life, but come her final year, it was also a place where she was haunted by some of her worst.

On the January 17th of Tessa’s senior year of high school, a shooting took place in Westville High School. For two hours Tessa locked herself in a supply cupboard, her head between her knees as she tried to stay silent despite the screams of horror from the corridor. Eighteen students were caught in the crossfire, two of which were Tessa’s best friends. Bouquets of flowers, laminated photographs, Teddy Bears in cling-film bags attached to balloons littered the streets as families and friends came to pay tribute to the eighteen students withered before they had a chance to bloom.

It took two months of therapy before Tessa could return to school. Some of the survivors could never return due to the horrors that their eyes had laid witness to. Sometimes Tessa felt like a part of her had died with the friends that were stolen from her too soon, but one thought kept her going through: she had survived, she was alive and breathing, and she could not afford to loose a second of the precious time she had been granted on this earth. Despite the nightmares that continued to haunt her each night, Tessa found in the aftermath of the disaster a new sense of motivation. She began applying for scholarships for colleges without her mother’s knowledge, in the hope that her academic success would be enough to carry her through further education. Thankfully, it was, and after three torturous months of waiting Tess was offered an arts scholarship to her dream school, Lockwood University, where she hoped she could finally start to rebuild her life.

THE PRESENT:

Life at university was like a separate world. Students came and went like moths among the whisperings and the tequila and the stars. In this new world, Tessa was exposed for the first time in her life to alcohol, drugs, and the sexual appetites of other students her age – though she politely declined all three. Instead, Tessa threw herself into the vast array of activities in the hope that by distracting herself she could escape the terrible flashbacks that continued to haunt her. Tessa joined the lacrosse team, despite never having played before, and took up cheerleading discovering a new talent; she joined the musical theatre group, and the film club, and even set up her own acapella singing society. But despite how much she tried to throw herself into student life, her past hung around her like a bad smell, and with the added pressure of the Sinking Ships zine, Tess began to feel the weight of her secret tying her down like a pair of shackles around her wrists.

PERSONALITY:

If someone was to describe Tessa in a single word, it would most likely be ‘bubbly’, ‘open-minded’ or ‘sweet’. But they would be wrong – Tessa is not bubbly, or sweet, or stubborn, or hotheaded, or fiesty, or infectious, or any of the things the world see her as, but merely a numb and lonely echo of the gregarious, halcyon girl she once was. Tessa Costello was one of life’s enigmas. No one knew who she was, for to each person she met she wore a different mask – she dripped confidence, or was painfully shy; she was an exhibitionist, or a brooding wallflower; she took things too seriously, or not seriously at all. She was an actress and the world was her stage, each person she met a different member of the audience in the performance of her life. In truth, Tessa no longer even recognised herself. Insecure, and self-destructive, she tried to hang on to the extroverted, mischievous pieces of herself that everyone had once loved, but day by day it got harder to know what lay in the vacant holes blown through her mind. While she was stubborn and hot-headed, Tessa always saw the best in people, which meant that she was easily led astray. While she had grown up learning to be street smart and astute, she was idealistic and allowed silly fantasies to cloud her mind. By nature, she was passionate, which lead her to misimagine and romanticise those she met. Despite the hell she had witnessed, and the anxiety that feasted upon her, she believed that people were innately good and that to have courage and be kind could cure anyone of their sadness – yet she was unable to cure herself.

TWITTER:

@500daysoftessa: i blame disney films and musicals for my high expectations of men

@500daysoftessa: i am in love with the boy who works at starbucks. today i asked for a double latte and he gave me a tripple, which i think is proof that my love is requited. our children will be smart and talented and beautiful.

@500daysoftessa: little known historical fact: pharaohs were burried with their hands crossed over their chests because it was a popular belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

#huntingtonintro #pounce on me for plots #tw school shooting #tw bipolar disorder #tw depression

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arielmuhckay · 4 years

Text

i think hell is something you carry around with you. not somewhere you go.

sydney sweeney ; 18 ; she/her —— wow, ariel mackay sure has changed. i guess she is feeling isolated from the other slytherin members. guess you can’t really blame them. i still remember them being so dauntless & vehement now they just seem crude & self-destructive. guess being a muggleborn isn’t helping matters much either. i’m hopeful though. they’ll be just fine.

links: stats, pinterest, tag character inspo: eleanor shellstrop (the good place), effy stonem (skins), rebecca bunch (crazy ex-girlfriend), annie landsberg (maniac), alyssa (the end of the fucking world), rue bennett (euphoria) triggers: depression, substance abuse, parental death, suicide

ariel mackay never knew her father. in fact, her mother ( isabelle mackay ) isn’t even quite sure who the man is. the late fifties proved to be a tough time for poor old isabelle mackay, and it resulted in excessive alcohol consumption, a string of one night stands, and eventually the birth of her one and only daughter, ariel winter mackay, on april 3rd, 1960, when she was only twenty years of age.

ariel’s childhood was fun, but at the same time kind of rocky. i mean, issy didn’t have any family left, she was a single mum in the early sixties working a part-time secretary job and she had no idea how to raise a child. ari and issy spent a lot of time with issy’s friends, who became like aunts to ariel and allowed her to grow up surrounded by strong, independent women.

but ariel had a bit of a troublesome streak. it seemed as though chaos and destruction followed her everywhere she went, and it caused her to jump from school to school until she’d eventually been expelled from eight primary schools by the age of ten. issy could not understand what was wrong, she couldn’t explain certain things that happened around the little blonde girl because they were seemingly unexplainable, and she was starting to grow seriously worried until a tall woman with a big hat knocked on their door and introduced the mackay family to the world of magic.

ariel was honestly ecstatic to go to hogwarts. she’d always known that she was different to the other kids, that she was special, and this only went on the prove it. and now, surrounded by other kids the same as her, maybe she could finally find a place that she fit in - a place that she could call home.

she was sorted into slytherin after a minute of the hat sitting on her head, and at first she slotted right in with the rest of her housemates. they were all just as fun, ambitious and intelligent as her and she was excited to find a place that she belonged. but slowly she started to notice that still she was being treated differently - there was something about her that had other kids turning their noses and left her unable to befriend many of her housemates for the pure reason that they wouldn’t talk to her. the first time she was called a mudblood, she cried for days - she’d expected hogwarts to be welcoming and instead she was still that weird kid that everyone wanted to avoid.

of course, as she grew up, it became obvious that not everyone hated her. she started to hang out with more of the gryffindors in her year and sought out the people who weren’t disgusted by her ambiguous ( ‘tainted’ ) lineage. moving through her first, her second, her third year, she became quite popular amongst the student body, and her fun-loving, easy-going attitude attracted many boys and girls who wanted to befriend her.

a small hiccup arose in her third year, when a pattern of violent, depressed and manic behaviour began to show in her every day life. at the tender age of fourteen, ariel was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and at age fifteen was prescribed lithium in order to keep it in check. her tendency for manic episodes meant she had to tone down on her usually adventurous nature and had to keep a check on how many people she surrounded herself with - too many and she could be sent over the edge. though she was still widely popular and incredibly fun to be around, she wasn’t known to have many close friends and was sometimes noted to disappear for days without explanation and return as if nothing has happened.

PARENTAL DEATH TW: everything was all pretty smooth sailing for miss mackay until a few months before the end of her sixth year, when she received a letter detailing the horrific death of her mother, isabelle mackay, at the hands of a drunk driver. devastated could hardly begin to describe how ariel felt — it was as if her whole world was crumbling around her. her mother, her one true rock throughout all the pain and misery and heartache of her life was gone and now she had no one.

DEPRESSION/SUICIDE TW: after the death, ariel fell into a deep depression into which no one could pull her out. for a while she relied on substance abuse to even keep her going, but it was never enough. she completely isolated herself from everyone around her and allowed herself to fall deeper and deeper into her own depression. over the winter break of her sixth year, during which she had moved to her mum’s friends place in dublin, ariel finally completely broke and attempted suicide. of course, she was not successful, but after spending months in the hospital after this attempt, she finally spoke to a professional and started on the slow and bumpy road to recovery.

alycia ( her mum’s friend and now ariel’s caregiver ) was reluctant to allow ariel to return to hogwarts after the traumatic few months they had endured, but after much begging on ariel’s part, she finally relented. returning to hogwarts for her final year, it is clear that ariel is all but a different person. once the life of the party, the sassy and adventurous and fun-loving girl of her year, ariel is now much quieter and a lot less adventurous. she is still ever so dependent on alcohol and still talking to a psychologist within hogwarts ( as was requested by alycia ), and though it is clear that ariel mackay is all but a different person, she is trying her very best to once again be happy.

#incantareintro #i ! love! her :(

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mackayari · 5 years

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❛ when you were little you held your mother’s favorite glass figurine in your fingers & you loved it so tightly that you snapped it in your palms & since then you’ve let go of beautiful things before you get around to breaking them. ❜

have you been re-introduced to ARIEL MACKAY? last we heard, the HALFBLOOD was most familiar with TIMELINE ONE. I don’t recall if they were always a SLYTHERIN, but I’ve heard the SEVENTH YEAR is still AMBITIOUS, LOYAL, INGENIOUS and CRUDE, RECKLESS, BLUNT, so that’s familiar. at least SHE remembers her way around the castle.

character parallels: rebecca bunch (crazy ex-girlfriend), eleanor shellstrop (the good place), gina linetti (brooklyn nine-nine), shane madej (buzzfeed unsolved), annie landsberg (maniac), maeve wiley (sex education) aesthetic: bottles of whiskey stashed beneath a mattress, the mess of a home the morning after a party, lacy red lingerie, neon signs lighting up a dark room, boisterous laughter sounding from the bedroom, cherry red lips sucking on a lollipop links: stats, pinterest triggers: parental death, substance abuse, bipolar disorder, suicide attempt

but ariel had a bit of a troublesome streak. it seemed as though chaos and destruction followed her everywhere she went, and it caused her to jump from school to school until she’d eventually been expelled from eight primary schools by the age of eleven. issy could not understand what was wrong, she couldn’t explain certain things that happened around the little blonde girl because they were seemingly unexplainable, and she was starting to grow seriously worried until a tall woman with a big hat knocked on their door and introduced the mackay family to the world of magic.

DEATH TW: everything was all pretty smooth sailing for miss mackay until a few months before the end of her fifth year, when she received a letter detailing the horrific death of her mother, isabelle mackay, at the hands of a drunk driver.devastated could hardly begin to describe how ariel felt — it was as if her whole world was crumbling around her. her mother, her one true rock throughout all the pain and misery and heartache of her life was gone and now she had no one.

SUICIDE TW: after the death, ariel fell into a deep depression into which no one could pull her out. for a while she relied on substance abuse to even keep her going, but after coming close to suffering from alcohol poisoning, she moved off it and instead completely isolated herself from everyone around her and allowed herself to fall deeper and deeper into her own depression. over the winter break of her fifth year, during which she had moved to her mum’s friends place in dublin, ariel finally completely broke and attempted suicide. of course, she was not successful, but after spending months in the hospital after this attempt, she finally spoke to a professional and started on the slow and bumpy road to recovery.

alycia ( her mum’s friend and now ariel’s caregiver ) was reluctant to allow ariel to return to hogwarts after the traumatic few months they had endured, but after much begging on ariel’s part, she finally relented. returning to hogwarts for her sixth year, it was clear that ariel was all but a different person. once the life of the party, the sassy and adventurous and fun-loving girl of her year, ariel was now much quieter and a lot less adventerous. she was still ever so dependent on alcohol and still talking to a psychologist within hogwarts ( as was requested by alycia ), and though it was clear that ariel mackay was all but a different person, she was trying her very best to once again be happy.

and then it happened --- and everything was suddenly a thousand times worse. a battle caused by a war that ariel had never been exposed to, her mind torn into a body that had experienced things she’d never even dreamed of. at first, it wasn’t even obvious to her ( alycia was still alycia and ariel was still ariel ) but when she started receiving letters from a girl she’d hardly spoken to in the year below her claiming to be her ‘best friend’, she knew that something was up. and now, she’s terrified; terrified because she knows she has to do something, even when she hardly has a grip on what’s going on. she’s muggleborn and proud ( at least to her knowledge ) and the knowledge that that could get her killed in this universe makes her sick to her stomach. she wants to fight --- to do something. she just doesn’t know what that something is yet...

#diversions.i #self harm tw #suicide tw #parental death tw #i'm honestly so sorry that ariel is a Fucking Mess #anyway here she is bois!!!

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mackayariel · 6 years

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INTRODUCING ARIEL MACKAY → 2018 muggle edition

vine expert. youtube star. all ‘round boss ass bitch.

EARLY LIFE

pretty much the same as before.

born to isabelle mackay, the product of a one night stand where the condom clearly didn’t work.

isabelle again was born into a devoutly christian family and was a disappointment from day one. when she was eighteen she ran away from home and lived with a friend, but it was after months of sleeping around and spending the nights partying away that she reaped the consequences and fell pregnant at nineteen.

no one would ever know that ariel’s true father was a critically acclaimed actor who’d fallen off the rails a year before his encounter with isabelle and tragically died after an overdose three months after ariel was conceived. no one would ever know his true role in the making of ariel, and he died without ever knowing that he had a daughter.

once again, ariel was a problem child from the moment she popped out of the womb.

girl wreaked havoc at every damn turn!! was basically bouncing off the walls with energy ten times as much as her little friends, to the point where she was expelled from two primary schools within four years.

during this time, though, issy was lucky enough to fall in love with a gorgeous woman she worked with at a retail store and alycia moved in after two years of them dating. she quickly adjusted and began treating ariel as her own, something that proved helpful in the long run as she certainly knew better how to discipline ariel than issy.

love my lesbian queens

due to the fact that things like mental illness were more readily talked about at this time, ariel was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when she was eleven rather than fourteen. a psychiatrist explained that this was why ariel seemed so full of energy at times, as she was often struggling to deal with her manic episodes and found her only outlet was to cause trouble. though they didn’t start her on medication at this time, ariel started regularly seeing a psychiatrist from this time onwards.

during her primary school years, ariel had found it a big struggle to fit in, but after getting her diagnoses and moving to a new town to start high school, she quickly found that she actually had impeccable social skills. from the get-go, ariel became the It Girl of her grade, but she was never nasty or a bully. she was popular but she was still kind, she was a party girl but she was still respectful of people’s boundaries. her mother and alycia had taught her well, and she still remained close to them as she grew up.

PARENTAL DEATH TW: six days after ariel’s sixteenth birthday, isabelle was involved in a car accident and died in the hospital due to head injuries two days later. ariel was absolutely devastated.

similar to before, she fell into a deep depressive slump that not even alycia could coax her out of. for months and months and months she isolated herself from everyone she loved, her emotions completely closed off so all she felt was numb.

ATTEMPTED SUICIDE TW: after a year of complete and utter hopelessness in which she lost contact with all her friend and failed nearly all her classes, ariel felt the only option was to end it all and attempted suicide. her attempt was unsuccessful, and after remaining in the hospital for a month she was sent back out into the world with a new perspective on life.

she was still grieving, and maybe she always would be, but now ariel knew that she couldn’t suffer alone. she reached back out to her friends and concentrated harder on her studies then ever before, allowing her to get decent grades and to easily graduate in 2014. it was also at this time that she was put on a series of medication that kept her disorder in check and also maintained healthy sleeping patterns.

RISE TO FAME

after leaving school, she found herself stuck. she was still trying to battle her illness and she now had absolutely no idea what she wanted to do with her life. instead of going straight to university, she decided to take a gap year in which she found herself engrossed in social justice and became a rather prominent activist for feminism and queer rights with popularity mainly in facebook and instagram. she was also a prominent figure in the breaking down of stigma against mental illness, often opening up about her own ongoing struggle with bipolar disorder and her spout of major depression as a teenager.

it was during this time that she also started making vines and grew a separate form of popularity on there and with her linked twitter account. she was a well-known meme face within months and her vines are the kind that are constantly featured in #ripvine compilations.

in 2016, with her instagram growing in popularity to the point where advertisers were reaching out to her and her vine and twitter presence growing stronger than ever, ariel decided not to go back to school and instead kept a job at a cafe while she started to earn money through social media.

she was definitely #cut when vine shut down in late 2016, but she directed her followers to her still-growing twitter where she continues to post memes and videos that are just as popular as her vine once was.

in early 2017, a tourist company approached her and offered her a large sum of money if she started a youtube account linked to both her twitter and instagram and travelled the globe to advertise their company. she immediately said yes, quit her job as a barista and took alycia along with her to begin travelling the world.

she started small in places like the greek island, with fairly short videos mostly just showing what the company could do, where they could bring you etc.

when she started to tour more prominent places in europe like paris and rome, her account really started to pick up in popularity. those videos now receive hundreds of thousands of views, with viewers drawn to her hilarious little quips and stunning photography and videography skills as well as her side accounts which continued to tackle issues of the time (e.g. gun violence, the me too movement)

now in mid-2018, she is preparing to go to america to continue filming for her youtube account as the touring company has just expanded to the states. she’s highkey excited. thanks.

MISC.

has dated both men and women and is very open about her sexuality on her social media accounts.

is a bit obsessed with hayley kiyoko and would talk your ear off about how much she’s done for queer representation in the music industry.

her favourite movie is probably going to be ocean’s eight, but she also loved get out and i, tonya. is just a slut for recent movies tbh.

one time she was on tinder. it sucked.

binge watched brooklyn nine-nine and cried when it was cancelled for that one day.

quotes vines daily. not even her own. just out of nowhere will go “rOaD WoRk AhEAd?????????”

#⌜ character study ⌟ ✦ * · ˚ ɢᴀꜱᴏʟɪɴᴇ ɪɴ ʏᴏᴜʀ ʜᴇᴀʀᴛ .#⌜ edit ⌟ ✦ * · ˚ ᴛʜɪꜱ ɪꜱ ɴᴏᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴅᴇꜱᴛʀᴜᴄᴛɪᴏɴ ᴛʜɪꜱ ɪꜱ ʏᴏᴜʀ ʙɪʀᴛʜ .#maraudrshq:tasks #i had way too much fun with this Anyway

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tooktoolongtogetthis97 · 6 years

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TW: Selfharm, Suicide I don't really write on here anymore but I need to let some things out. Feel free to completely ignore if you wish. I saw the first photo on Facebook yesterday (I don't know who the creditor is) and it made me realize that I've basically been having bad days every day in 2018 (and a lot in 2017 and 2016). Partly its because school has completely stressed me out. I'm in Directed Methods (a research class), Marine Biology (it's a study abroad class and we just got back from Belize a week ago after a week there), Physics 1 (lecture, breakout, and lab), Chorale (my sorta stress relief class), and had to drop Cell Biology this semester. Being a Biology Education major, I have the difficult science classes as well as the difficult education classes. I still love my major, but its completely stressful. The school trip to Belize was an amazing opportunity and learning experience, but was not good for my mental state. I had 5 mental cycles (panic/anxiety attack then depression crash) in the course of the 8 days. I'm also very behind in my work and I'm struggling to catch up. I don't know if I'm going to be able to get everything done. It's fucking stressful. Partly it's due to work. My facility is short on guards so I was working doubles twice a week until March started (I'll say why in a bit). And we just lost another day guard because he quit which is wonderful since we're already short. When we're short a lifeguard, we can't rotate so we get stuck on stand until one of the pools becomes vacant. Well on Monday, my headguard were and I were up for 3.5 hours out of a 4 hour shift. This was extremely mentally taxing. I love my job, but its definitely not one you can zone out in. Partly it's due to my health. Last summer. I was diagnosed with Rapid Cycling Anxiety-Depressive Disorder (RCADD) which is a bipolar type disorder. I also was rushed to the ER on January 26th due to a kidney stone (which is surprisingly since I'm only 21 and fairly healthy) and I found out that I have 2 dormant kidney stones in my left kidney (so I have the low grade anxiety of knowing that I could have a repeat of the horrible experience that was the 1st kidney stone at any time.) I've been sick for the last week too which doesn't help. Mentally I've been a fucking wreck. Like mentioned further up, I had a lot of mental fluctuations during my study abroad trip. I wish I could say that it was the only issues. On January 10th, 2018, I lost one of my best friends as she committed suicide. I have been a mental disaster since her death (thanks grief for fucking with my RCADD). Well since she passed, my mood has fluctuated more and I got to the point I was going to take my own life at the end of February/beginning of March. I just didn't want to live in a world as cruel as this world is especially without my friend as she was a huge mentor and great friend to me. Well my mental state got so bad that I was hospitalized for a week because I was in immense danger of myself. I did learn a bit and I'm thankful for Ridgeview for helping me becoming less suicidal (actually not suicidal at all). I now have to see a psychiatrist (actually the same one I saw at Ridgeview) once a month (hes in charge of figuring out meds which are kinda helping) and a counselor once a week (I dont really like it, but I know I need it). The 2nd photo is my right thigh... I have been selfharming since I was a junior in high school (so around 4 years) and in the last 4 days I have relapsed twice (as seen but the different levels of healing process). I relapsed on Tuesday (for the 1st time since Valentine's day) due to an accumulation of shitty work shift (I work 5:45-9am on Tuesdays), being sick, exhausted on all levels (physical, mental, and emotional), and it was the 3 month anniversary of my friend's death. I also relapsed on Friday morning because I woke up feeling so overwhelmed from everything going on that I felt completely numb and had to feel something. I honestly absolutely hate cutting but I can't seem to kick the habit. It fucking sucks. They hurt like hell and I have to be very careful to make sure they dont get infected and people make comments about them so many times. On Wednesday, I had 2 of our regulars ask about the cuts because my guard shorts don't hide anything because they're fucking short (basically booty shorts with "guard" across my ass). I hate that I cut and that people make references to them. I'm thankful that my coworkers (that I work the most with) don't comment on them.

#tw: suicide #tw: selfharm #suicide #selfharming #life of a college student #life update #personal #living with mental illness #rapid cycling anxiety-depressive disorder

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onlyherefortheshowmances · 4 years

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TW: Mental Health

I have a lot of mental health issues. My main diagnosis is Bipolar (type II). I also have CPTSD (stemming from physical and mental abuse for the first 6 years of my life at the hands of my biological father and continued emotional abuse/manipulation by my mother afterwards). I also have Borderline Personality Disorder which is a trauma-response related disorder that basically means it’s more difficult for me to regulate my emotions than most people. I’m prone to meltdowns when angry or upset. I also have panic disorder, social anxiety, and generalized anxiety disorder. It took a lot of years to finally figure out what is wrong with me, but even knowing what’s wrong doesn’t mean there’re answers. Sure, I’m on meds, but they don’t really work. I see a therapist, but it doesn’t really help. Everything just furthers my abilities to hide my emotions entirely. To never say what I’m actually thinking. To never be allowed to exist in my true state.

I’m also physically disabled, but no one will believe just how much pain I’m in. I’ve gotten good at hiding that because what’s the bother if no one will believe me anyway. I’ve been in pain since I was 14 (2005). My freshman year of high school. Everything has gotten progressively worse to the point where walking more than a couple blocks is next to impossible. I used to be able to walk miles and miles with no problem, but that’s just not possible any more. A flight of stairs does me in, too.

In my early 20s a doctor finally listened enough to x-ray my knee, but the x-ray was normal, so they just gave me prescription strength naproxen (Aleve) and sent me on my way. Three years ago (2017), my knee was acting up and my family doctor finally gave me a referral to sports medicine. They took xrays and were able to see osteoarthritis in my joint this time. They had me do physical therapy which just gave me more pain and more reason/ability to pretend there wasn’t any. They also gave me a cortisone injection.

2 years ago (2018), I tore something in my right shoulder. It took an excruciating 2 months of physical therapy before I even got to see orthopedics. The first orthopedic doctor I saw, basically shrugged me off. He did a cortisone injection in my shoulder which made it worse. I requested a second opinion and finally found a doctor that would order imaging of the shoulder even though the physical therapist put in her notes that it should be MRI’d because of the symptomology following therapy. I had surgery in December for a tare that happened in June. I suffered through 9 months (including the 3 months of recovery after surgery) for something that could have been over in half that time if doctors would have just listened when I went to urgent care the day it happened. At my surgery follow up the doctor remarked that the inside of my shoulder looks like I’m at least in my 70s and that my rotator cuff is also slightly torn and will likely eventually need repaired.

It wasn’t until this year (2020); literally 15 years after the pain started, that I found a single doctor that would take me seriously. He finally ran blood work beyond the regular stuff and I’ve since been diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis, but because the x-rays of my hands and feet look normal, it’s not “aggressive” and I’m just on meds. I still don’t have pain meds or muscle relaxers even though that’s all I want. I’m still not disabled enough.

The medical care I require is not cheap. Especially not when the insurance my employer offers has $60 co-pays for every specialty visit. My prescriptions cost $50+ per month even with insurance. My therapist is $45 per session which I can only afford every 3 or 4 weeks even though I should definitely be going more often. My psychiatrist is $50 per visit and he wants to see me monthly when he changes anything. I have to see rheumatology ($60 per visit) every 6 weeks for conceivably forever. I had to have a special eye exam ($105 total) every year and new classes are $50+ every year because you know my eyesight has to be complete shit on top of everything else, too.

I also have to live alone; in part because of my mental health condition and in part because I don’t have anywhere else to go. So, I have to pay my bills all on my own, too.

I’ve had a lot of jobs in my 29 ½ years of life.

I worked at Wal-mart in High School (2007-2009). I was a cashier first and then worked in the clothing department. I was fired because they refused to accept my doctor’s note absences even though their company policy says they should have. I got unemployment.

I did odd jobs in college (2009-2012). I was a tour guide for open house once a month which was probably my favorite job. I very briefly worked in the dining hall, but my mental health couldn’t take that for more than a couple weeks. Mostly my grandfather supported me through those three years until I had to leave school. I made it through 3 years of the social work program to realize my mental health wasn’t cut out for that profession. I didn’t have the money for 3 more years to get a different degree, so I left. Always with the intention that I’d go back some day, but I’ve never actually made it and now with the state of me, probably never will.

I worked at the Amazon Warehouse for the grand amount of 2 weeks after I left school (June 2012). I had a panic attack trying to do high levels on the order picker and didn’t have a psychiatrist to write an accommodation letter at the time, so I had no choice but to leave.

I then worked at Target (but for Radio Shack) selling contract cell phones (July 2012-. I enjoyed that job well enough, but it became physically taxing (standing for umpteen hours on end). It was that job that got me to transfer back to my city from where my grandfather lived. I lived with a roommate for a year. She no longer speaks to me because of a whole laundry list of misunderstandings (mostly my mental health).

After Target, I worked at CVS as a Pharmacy Tech. I think that was the job I had the longest before my current one. It was that job that lead to my first hospitalization(s) for mental health. When I finally had to leave (for my mental health), I was unemployed and essentially homeless for almost a year and then I had county funding to get a room for another year and lived off food stamps and medical assistance.

During that time, I met Shawn. He was the saving grace I needed to get out of what I thought would be the darkest time of my life.

I managed to get my anxiety under control enough to get a job again. I was a mail carrier for 7 months (May-December 2016). I lost that job again due to my mental health. I was hypomanic (the upswing of Bipolar II) and made a careless driving decision. I was then unemployed for 4 months (until April 2017). But I was living with Shawn at that time and everything seemed fine.

I then ended up working in the laundry room at the hospital for a few months (April-July 2017). I ended up needing to quit that job because my physical paid started getting too much to handle and I got tendonitis in my wrist. But during that time Shawn broke off our engagement and I restarted therapy (with my current therapist). We’ve always still been best friends. We’ve still done things together; in fact I moved into the spare bedroom and continued to live there for over a year after.

I started my next job a week after leaving the hospital. I was a receptionist at a major dental practice (July 2017-March 2018) until their company policies went to shit and I had to find a new job for my own sanity.

I started my current job on April 9, 2018. I work in Revenue Cycle for a group of dental practices doing mostly insurance billing and claims follow up. I moved into an apartment by myself in September 2018 and live there until August of this year. I recently moved into a new apartment (August 2020).

The past year has however been a living hell.

On October 24, 2019, Shawn died. I don’t want to go into details of how, but it wasn’t directly intentional, but he knew there was a risk in his actions that lead to the death.

It’s been year. Nothing’s gotten better. Everything is still broken. Everything still hurts. I’m only better at pretending. I don’t want to live in this world anymore. Intensive Mental health programs only make things worse (inpatient and intensive outpatient alike) and make me hide even more because I need to get out. I can’t handle it.

I need to quit my job. For my mental and physical health. I can’t handle it anymore. Especially not working from home like I’ve had to since June because of COVID. I don’t think another job would be any better. Maybe for a couple months, but then the same problems would happen again. I just can’t commit to doing something every single day. Not with my mental or physical health. But I can’t quit because I have bills to pay. I can’t get disability because I’m currently working and you can’t be working or have savings to get disability. You basically have to be homeless or live with someone that supports you completely to get it. So basically, I have no way out and I’m stuck in a perpetual hellscape.

#TW: Mental Health

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dcndelicn · 6 years

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@pcnumbras!!

Madison tells River a secret and it just ends up becoming lots of fluff.

tw: sexual assault mention

River-06/08/2018

it had been a long week for river, he'd just gotten back into town, and he was looking forward to three things: sleeping, spending time with his son, and seeing his girl. he'd always told himself not to get to close to girls, but madison had always been different. river had been with lots of girls before he met madison, but it never meant anything to him. madison was good. she was light. she made him feel like the world wasn't a totally dark place. as soon as his ride had dropped him off at his apartment, river had texted madison, letting her know that he was home if she wanted to come over, and then he hopped in the shower to wash the smell of the train ride off of him.June 9, 2018

Madison-06/09/2018

the past week without river sent madison back into a dark place. there were things she wasnt telling him. or rather one thing. one thing that made her who she was. she had been distant as of late; her fear of him seeing her differently clouding her thinking. seeing his name appear on her screen, she smiled but it quickly faded when she felt what felt like a gut punch. she hopped on the train towards the station near his apartment and walked the rest of the way. getting to his apartment, she knocked lightly on the door and walked in, heading towards the bathroom, “h-hey river.”

River-06/09/2018

river smiled, hearing the door open, and he pulled the shower curtain back a little bit to see her face, "hello gorgeous. care to join me?" he teased, letting out an honest laugh, "i'll be out in just a minute and i left some take out menu's on the coffee table if you want to go ahead and order some food. i've missed you." he said, turning back to finish rinsing his hair.

Madison-06/09/2018

madison let out a nervous laugh, “no, i’m ok.” she put as convincing of a smile on her face as she could and she hoped and prayed that he wouldn’t see past it. “i’m not really all that hungry babe.” she said, feeling her throat tighten. she missed him too. very much in fact but she needed to keep herself at bay for now until he knew and reacted to what she wanted to tell him.

River-06/09/2018

he quickly finished his shower, wrapping a towel around himself before stepping out. "well i'm starving, so i guess i'll just order for one." he wondered if everything was okay, since she wasn't saying much. he made his way to his room, pulling on a pair of sweats. "how was your week? mine was... intense." he didn't talk much about what he did. he didn't want her involved in it.

Madison-06/09/2018

“yeah, okay.” her voice was soft. “i-it was good. it was okay.” she let out a sigh. she couldnt pretend like everything was fine. because she wasnt fine. “river i need to talk to you. or rather i need to tell you something and i..i need you to promise you wont see me differently. please. because you...you’re really important to me and i dont think i could handle you hating me.”

River-06/09/2018

when she said she was just okay, river knew something was up, but her next words had him a bit frightened. no one ever said they needed to talk when it was good news anyway right? the male sighed, sitting down on the sofa, and patting the seat next to him for madison to sit in. "you can tell me anything, you know that."

Madison-06/09/2018

madison sat down next to him and sighed. “i know. i know i can but i need to know that you wont hate me or see me differently. i need you to promise me.” her voice was trembling and she could feel tears sting her eyes and she quickly wiped them away. “please.”

River-06/09/2018

he turned to face her, pulling one leg up on the couch, and raching out to take her hand. the mood in the room had all changed, and a feeling of almost dread came over him. "i promise you i won't hate you. i mean-- fuck look at what i do madison. i don't think theres anything you could do i haven't already done. you can trust me."

Madison-06/10/2018

she was shaking. she was terrified of his reaction. “my mom is a therapist and she practiced in our home and....” her voice trailed off as she thought of how to word what she wanted to tell him. “when i was 12, mom left one of her patients alone with me and he uh—“ she chewed on her lower lip. “he did things to me and i told my mom but she wouldnt believe me.”

River-06/16/2018

He could feel her shaking on the couch and he just wanted to know what was wrong and why she was so upset. He listened intently as she spoke, concern etched across his features. He didn’t know what to do with what she said. And as he began processing it in his mind, he pulled her closer, wrapping his arms around her frame. “I’m sorry that happened and that she didn’t believe you.” His mind was already thinking up ways he could hurt the people who hurt her, though he didn’t know how she’d feel if that included her mother, “I believe you and I’m gonna make that fucker pay for what he did.”

Madison-06/17/2018

He pulled her closer and she felt safer than she had in a long time. When he said he believed her, she started sobbing. “Thank you. I...Aside from my dad, I dont think anyone would believe me. Not to mention, my mom had him diagnosed bipolar and on meds because who would believe a guy like that right?” She gave no protests about him hurting the guy who had hurt her. Keeping it a secret was slowly killing her and it felt like a weight had been lifted telling River.

River-06/22/2018

His brows furrowed together in frustration. If it wasn’t her mom, he’d probably try and make her pay too. “I believe you. I’m sure more people would believe you too. There’s no need to make you relive things though, no reason to bring in anyone else when I can handle things just fine.” He spoke softly, but confidently, rubbing a hand on her back to comfort her.

Madison-06/25/2018

Madison wiped her eyes and nodded her head then wrapped her arms around him. “Thank you.” She flashed him a weak smile. She didnt want to talk about it further; she told the person who’s opinion mattered most and that was what was most important. She scooted over closer to him and took his hand, squeezing it. “So, tell me about your intense week...please.”

River-06/25/2018

River nodded his head, placing a peck on top of her head. “Of course. You should always believe the people you love.” He would get the actual name of the person later. His first concern was not making her feel uncomfortable. “Well you know I had to fly out of town, basically it was to overlook a shipment. Things were not in order at all when I got there though, and let’s just say they won’t make that mistake again if they want our business.” He sighed.

Madison-06/25/2018

Love. That word stuck out the most. She frowned, tilting her head to the side. “River...are you saying that you love me or am I just reading too deep into what you said?” She hoped it was the former; she had never been in a relationship before but she knew she loved him. She smiled, nodding her head. “Did you like...threaten to kill them or something?” She teased.

River-06/26/2018

His brows furrowed together, as he recalled what he said. He wasn’t planning to say he loved her then. He didn’t even realize he’d said it. That’s what made it true though, the fact that he didn’t even need to think twice about whether he meant it or not. “I uh—“ he scratched the back of his head for a moment, “I guess that is that I’m saying. I do love you.” He frowned then, biting his lip for a second, unsure of how to answer her question. “I guess you could say that. Let’s just say there was more than one black eye to go around.”

Madison-06/26/2018

Madison was quiet for a moment before sitting up and kissing him deeply. “I love you too. So much.” She grinned, kissing him again. It was sooner than she had intended to tell him that she loved him but it was true. She loved him more than anything in the world. She wasnt quite sure what all went in to what he did but she knew some and it worried her. “Well as long as you come back in one piece that’s all that matters.”

River-06/26/2018

He grinned widely as she kissed him, saying she loved him too. It definitely wasn’t what he expected or how he planned to tell her, but it was out now, and he was actually glad that he’d said it. He kissed he back again, wrapping an arm around her small frame, pulling her close. “I sure try to. I’ve got people here I gotta take care of, so I try to be careful.”

Madison-06/26/2018

“You better be careful.” She grinned, moving to sit so she was in his lap. “Because I need you.” She put her arms around his neck, kissing him again. She had never been with anyone in this capacity before, let alone been with anyone at all in any capacity. She let out a deep breath, “Do you maybe want to go to the bedroom?”

River-06/26/2018

River let out a light chuckle, “I will be for you babe.” It was the truth too. Now that he knew Madison felt the same way about him, it would make his desire to come home safe and sound all that much stronger. He smiled as she moved to sit on his lap, his hands moving to rest on the small of her back, kissing her again. He wasn’t expecting the next words that came out of her mouth, but he nodded his head “I would love that, love.” He didn’t even bother to let her go either, instead standing up from the couch still holding on to her tightly, holding her weight easily, as he led her to the bedroom

Madison-06/26/2018

“Good.” She tightened her grip as he got up still holding her, a chuckle escaping her lips. “Please dont drop me. I promise you, I will break.” She smiled, scanning his features; still reeling from the fact that she had finally said the words that she has been dying to say for weeks. “I want you. In every possible way.” She spoke softly. They had already done this once but now it was far more meaningful to her than it was then, even though that was big for her then too.

River-06/26/2018

"I've got you, i won't let you fall or break. Ever." He didn't know the future, but he loved Madison and he would do anything in his power to protect her and keep her safe. River smiled at her words, kissing her softly, "I want you too." He'd only been with Madison once, but this was new, special. His heart felt full and light, and though he hadn't been a virgin since he was 15 years old, but he had never been with someone he loved before. He wanted to kiss every inch of her, and show her how much he did love her.

Madison-06/26/2018

“I trust you.” She grinned. She took a deep breath in. She wasnt sure how he would take what would come out of her mouth. “I want this, I want YOU for the rest of my life. In case you were wondering or whatever.” It felt like her heart was going to beat out of her chest. She was the happiest she had been in so long. Madison was still new to having sex and she would still wonder if she was in fact doing it right.

River-06/26/2018

Saying she trusted him meant a lot to River. In his world trust was everything. River couldn’t be any happier at that moment. She wanted him for the rest of her life, and a life with Madison was something he’d already thought about, if he were being honest. “I’ve thought about a lifetime with you, and it sounds pretty damn great.” He smiled, sitting down on his bed, letting Madison sit on his lap again.

Madison-06/26/2018

She smiled sitting on his lap again. “You have?” She grinned, raising an eyebrow. “And what does this life together look like?” She asked. She was ecstatic to know that he wanted her in the same way that she wanted him. “For me, spending my life with you is just...a life full of happiness and I am incredibly grateful for you.”

River-06/27/2018

He was a bit embarrassed to answer her question, river wasn’t exactly a big sap, and he didn’t want to sound cliche either. “ I don’t know really. Just like you and me always being there for each other, sharing important moments and memories and stuff.” He grinned as she said that a life with him would bring her happiness. His hands gently rubbing the outside of her thighs as he smiled at her, “ a life full of happiness is all I want. You make me happier then I’ve ever been, if I’m totally honest.”

Madison-06/27/2018

She could tell the question made him comfortable and she squinted, “I’m looking forward to all of that.” She said, nodding her head. His hand on her thigh caused her to lose the ability to breathe for a mere minute. “I’m glad to hear that because you deserve it and so much more.”

River-06/27/2018

River smiled, kissing her deeply, "I am too, very much." A future with Madison was something that gave him a new hope. That life could be so much better than he imagined. "Well its all thanks to you, love." There he was throwing that word out there again, but it felt completely right to him. Being with Madison, holding her in his arms, thats really all he could ask for. He knew that this meant things could also be more dangerous for Madison, but for now it was all between them anyway, and if it did get dangerous he would protect her. River smiled at her as she sat on his lap, taking in her beauty for a moment. He pulled one of his hands away from her thigh, moving it to cup her cheek, "you really are the most beautiful, you know that? I can't believe you're mine."

Madison-Last Saturday at 1:41 PM

She couldnt help but grin hearing the word love come out of his mouth again. She sighed, “I need you to do something for me though. When you go away or just leave the house for a gang thing, I need you to tell me what you did. It doesnt matter how long anyone has done this stuff, carrying it around isnt easy. Tell me about it, unload it. You are mine and I am yours and with that comes taking care of each other so let me take care of you, let me look out for you. I understand things could get potentially dangerous if i know a lot of stuff but I love you and I dont wanna be left in the dark about anything.” She flashed him a small smile and hoped that he wouldnt be upset with her for wanting to know more and that he would see it the way she did; she only wanted to be a good support system. He cupped her cheek and she felt herself relax. She smiled, “I’m sure there’s better looking.” She chuckled. “I could say the same you know. You are the most handsome guy inside and out and I consider myself lucky.”

River-Last Saturday at 3:33 PM

“Okay, I’m listentening.” He said as she told him she needed something more from him. He’d give her just about anything her heart desired at this point. He wasn’t really expecting what she asked of him though. He smirked, when she called him hers, because he’d never been anyone’s guy before and he liked knowing he was hers and she was his girl. He was scared however about telling her too much and scaring her off though. “I don’t want you to feel in the dark, but if I tell you what I’ve done and what I do, I don’t want you to be afraid of me. You see me as this handsome guy who loves you and I don’t want you to change your mind and see me as some kind of monster. I don’t want to scare you and I don’t want to loose you, cause you’re the second best thing to ever happen to me.”

Madison-Last Saturday at 8:55 PM

Madison sighed then smiled, “I knew part of what you did when I met you and fell in love with you. I don’t see that changing, River. Whatever you tell me, it will not change how I see you. I could never think of you as a monster. You are a good guy and I love you. All of you. You’re not going to lose me, I promise. You’re the best thing to ever happen to me too.”

River-Last Saturday at 9:17 PM

River sighed, biting his lip. Was he really going to tell her? He knew she said she didn’t care, but part of him felt like as soon as she knew she’d be repulsed by him. He decided though that it was worth it. Because if he told her and she loved him despite of it, it would make things so much better. He wouldn’t have to keep any secrets from her. “I’ve done bad things Madison. I’ve hurt people. Killed people.” He took a deep breath, “and you should know I’m planning to do the same to the guy who hurt you.”

Madison-Last Saturday at 11:42 PM

She took a deep breath in as she listened to him. She knew telling her wasnt easy and she appreciated the fact that he did. She squeezed his hand and looked up at him with a smile, “I still love you. That’s never going to change.” She chewed her lower lip as she thought of the guy who abused her. Maybe her wanting him to do something was selfish but she also knew she would sleep better at night. She kissed him deeply, “I love you.”

River-Last Sunday at 2:03 AM

River looked down at the fists that had done so much damage, waiting to see what her reaction was. When she said she still loved him though, he looked up at her, surprised. “Really? It doesn’t make you hate me? It doesn’t make you want to leave?” He was so sure it would, that he was very happily surprised that it didn’t. He smiled then, wrapping his arms around her waist. “I love you too. So much.” He answered, kissing her back to show her just how much he meant it.

Madison-Last Sunday at 3:04 AM

Madison smiled, shaking her head. “No. I still love you very much. And I still wanna stay. I dont want to lose you either and until you tell me to go, I’m not going anywhere.” She giggled when he wrapped his arms around her, “Now, how about we destress my dear. It’s been a week for you.”

#riverson: 001

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