#shit i might start writing again!! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

clemleur · 1 month

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my favorite loki author updated their series again… there is reason to smile

#shit i might start writing again!!#clem talks <3

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jamietwat · 6 months

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Time loop fic set during season 2 when Jamie’s back around but Roy isn’t coaching yet where it takes Jamie and Roy an embarrassing amount of do-overs before they finally realize they’re both caught in it because for days Jamie goes over to Keeley’s place and antagonizes Roy in basically the exact same way because he thinks making the same stupid old man jokes all the time is funny anyway and any slight changes in conversation he just assumes is because he showed up at a different time or worded his own end of the conversation a little differently but Roy’s still basically saying the same grumpy old man shit anyway

And Roy makes basically the same retorts every time because he stands by it and he assumes Jamie shows up at slightly different times looking for Keeley as a butterfly effect of his morning with Keeley being different but that there’s no escaping him showing up to be a little bitch at some point

And like they both sometimes tell people but not the same people on the same version of the day so Keeley individually thinks that both of them are losing it on different versions of the day before eventually they both mention it

And then on like day 5 of the same day over and over Jamie doesn’t show up and Roy is irrationally angry about it but thinks it must be somehow connected to the fact that he was acting absolutely insane with Keeley trying to explain what’s happening while she thought he was fucking with her and somehow that made her brush off Jamie and him not show up or something?

And it takes Jamie showing up at 100 and just tearing Roy apart and going on about what a dick he is (which isn’t unusual but isn’t how this routine goes) and weirdly fixating on how he was excited to meet Roy but then he ended up just being an old washed up prick that never even gave him a chance because Jamie figures he can just show up, yell at Roy for all the reasons he’s so fixated on being a little asshole with a grudge against Roy in particular to get it out of his system, and then never have to deal with any consequences of Roy finding out about the whole embarrassing having been a big fan and expecting it to be so cool to play on a team with him just to immediately get offended that Roy didn’t give a shit about him and his bullshit and so Jamie ended up hating him thing

But instead Roy just scowls at him and is like “that’s not what you’re supposed to say” and Jamie’s like “…what.” And Roy’s like I’ve done this day like ten times already and either I make Keeley think I’m certifiable first thing in the morning and you don’t show up or else you show up looking for her and then make the same completely uncreative old man jokes at me and Jamie’s like what the fuck I’ve been doing this same day over and over and you’ve been making the same shitty jokes that weren’t funny the first time over and over again

And Keeley’s just sitting there watching this like “Are you two fucking with me? I can’t believe you two got along long enough to plan whatever the fuck this is.” And honestly, the fact that she couldn’t imagine them ever getting along to plan this stupid joke and agree on it is the main reason she actually starts to believe them that time in an okay either I’ve completely lost it or you two are stuck in a time loop kind of way and when she starts going on about how every time loop movie there’s like a moral the person has to learn and maybe they’re both caught in it because they’re supposed to learn how to get along and be friends and Roy’s supposed to take Ted’s offer and that’s how Jamie finds out about the Ted trying to convince Roy to coach thing

But they’re both like fuck no absolutely not, that’s not it and I’d rather be stuck in this stupid fucking loop forever than voluntarily spend time with him let alone get along (as if Jamie hasn’t shown up to annoy him practically every version of the day and Roy hasn’t just been sitting there waiting for him every time) and then they actively avoid each other for like a week’s worth of versions of the same day before they start considering that Keeley might have been on to something but it still takes three more days of pointedly not seeking the other out and waiting for the other to give in first before they run into each other at Ted’s place anyway and finally start actually swapping information they’ve picked up from their loops and what they’ve tried changing to try to get out and discussing ways to try to get out of it while Ted’s just sitting there cracking jokes and making annoyingly similar to what Keeley said comments about how in time loop and body switch things it’s always that you have to learn to see things from another perspective and be nicer to someone you don’t usually see eye to eye with before you can get out (Ted doesn’t actually believe they’re stuck in a time loop though, he’s just going well weird hypothetical but I’ll play along if this almost certainly made up scenario is what it takes for them to have an actual conversation with each other)

#Roy’s going to be PISSED when he shows up agreeing to coach and start right then one of the versions of the day insisting he’s only doing #it to get out of the day or rule it out as the answer and instead he LOVES IT and then wakes up on the same fucking day anyway #So he not only has to admit that he actually wants to coach and other people were right but he’s also right fucking back again anyway #But he’s also still in his coach everyone but Jamie era at that point and he’s gonna have to not be before they get out #I have more thoughts but I am tired #Jamie not showing up actually had nothing to do with anything Roy or Keeley did he was just trying doing other shit #Might eventually write this as like a pair of fics in a series one from Roy’s pov and one from Jamie’s pov where their versions of the same #days get posted in the same chapters of each #This is another thing for the pile of things I might turn into something eventually #Ted Lasso #Jamie Tartt #Roy Kent #RoyJamie #Keeley Jones #Roy x Keeley x Jamie #Mine

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bootyful-seventeen · 5 months

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Oh gosh okay so I went back to marinating more on long haired Jihoon, but specifically long haired Jihoon getting pegged has me chewing on the bars of my enclosure to get out

Like just think of how pretty he'd look when he's on all fours and your fucking into him!! His chest blushed and heaving from how needy he is for you and the way your touch just feels so good and electric running along your skin! Your fingers then threading through his hair to pull his head up to see his thoroughly fucked out and flushed face in the mirror you placed in front of the bed. His eyes rolling back into his skull as cute little whimpers and cries slip from his lips when you brush your lips along his shoulder and licking up his neck before nibbling on his earlobe. Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh and even the louder moans he'd make if you gripped his cheeks in your hands and pounded him into the mattress, his back arching so nicely that you can't help but run a hand up his spine and wrap his long hair around your fist while he trembled underneath you whimpering about how he's gonna cum. Your eyes dropping down to watch his slick hole swallowing your strap on with ease from being played with for so long before getting bent over. Jihoon's whines getting louder from hand slipping between his thighs to jerk off his leaky cock until he's releasing spurts onto the sheets under him. Tears springing from his eyes as you fuck him at a harder and faster pace until he was left gasping for air, his thighs shaking from keeping his ass up when your strap slips out of his trembling hole and a relieved smile on his face as you cooed about how good he was for you, and how he looks so pretty all fucked out like this between kisses along his spine

#seventeen smut #woozi smut #jihoon smut #i'm sorry i'm back in my geto jihoon thoughts of him with some long hair. like long ass hair like him and this started cuz #i saw a post on ig from the alley saying that they'll have more jjk merch coming soon and i really wanna get the keychains #especially since my slutty little toji is included too like oh my god #but yeah i think i might be good enough to try writing again but bit by bit #mostly cuz the ways i've been coping with stress and anxiety hasn't been as effective but writing this has helped me calm down a bit #and get me focused on something else cuz i've had too many peer reviews that i think i should probably get assessed by a doctor soon #but yee ya girl sammy is making baby steps of a return rn since writing this didn't feel draining at all and it made me so happy!!!#this shit has me feeling like austin powers when he got his mojo back lmaooooo #m:jihoon

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skrunksthatwunk · 4 months

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so the eikichi-centric kuwabara fic is going well

#it turned into kuwameshi. it was supposed to be a small bg part but um. yeah. woe.. feelings realization + gay awakening be upon ye #it's mostly just an excuse to write my love for rascal into my silly guy kuwabara. plus i get to put characters in (cat) situations which #rules imo. and now there's also poor poor kuwababy gay panic stuff happening. i can't help it man likes dudes. unavoidable #anyway i wrote like. 6k words today. my hand hurts but also im not done bc i've been chipping away at this for a month and i can't stop now #that i've actually got momentum on it. my brain is going at 16 km/hr and i'm living it up babyyyy. hour um 10 or so probably #hey i'm not one to look a gift hyperfixation in the mouth okay #yyh #kuwameshi #nyarla dni #just wrote that line and started losing my shit bc again i'm on like hour 10 of writing today. maybe more? shit i don't remember whatever #thought it might resonate with y'all or something hallelujah

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ferretwhomst · 4 months

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ON THE TOPIC OF THE GHOST BROTHERS IVE BEEN MEANING TO ASK BECAUSE THE INSANITY IS GROWING Help why am i yelling

How did the ghost brothers first interaction go the mental image of them doing the spiderman meme made me keysmash irl but On a more serious note . i am autism staring you

HEHEHEHE HI EMBER. sorry to keep you waiting for like two days on this ask. to make up for makimg you wait i went a littleee crazy. ENJOY. ALSO YES I WILL BE GOING TO SLEEP AFTER POSTING THIS. DW

when they first meet ghost ford is on the verge of panicking, trying to properly utilize the first burst of energy he's had in 30 years by doing the only thing he can think of: following his brother trying to make sure he doesn't do something he shouldn't. (and let's face it, after seeing how stan reacts to finding his remains, he 100% expects him to do something he shouldn't. stanley's always been impulsive like that.)

following stan into an entirely different reality is deeply disorienting- and of course it's a lot to process!!! three decades of total inactivity and suddenly he finds himself dimension hopping. it's a lot.

this dimension's basement looks a lot like his, minus the blood embedded in the floor and walls, of course... but fundamentally it's the same basement. the first thing he notices is the trembling shape of two people's silhouettes intertwined in a tight hug. it's hard to see, what with the bad lighting (and, you know, his singular working eye), but from the wild hair ford can tell that the misshapen lump contains his brother and... another version of himself???

he catches himself overthinking and, through gritted teeth, promises himself he'll unpack that later; he's still getting his bearings and processing his environment. standing somewhat behind them are what look like two children, not older than 12 or 13. they're on the verge of tears, but look relieved nonetheless.

before ford can start to question what this means, the most awful scent of smoke starts to engulf his senses. he winces. it's... still better than the lasting smell of rot in his own basement, but it overwhelms him nonetheless. it's a reminder of how his last conversation with stan went, and an unwelcome one at that.

as he surveys the room for a source, he suddenly locks his gaze with someone who looks a lot like him. he brushes his unkempt hair out of his eyes (tired, tired eyes; ones that have worked 30 years past their expiration date) to look at ford with a horrified look of realization.

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dallonwrites · 8 months

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bestie how the fuck do you start writing again when you haven't written in years bc you're so paralyzed with Fear of Writing Badly mixed with How Do I Get Started and also WHAT do I write about HELP

I WANT to write but every part of it is. so. DAUNTING

Ohhh bestie I have BEEN there. Whenever I take breaks from writing I find myself scared that I'll have just….forgotten to write?? I think the fear of "bad writing" is amplified when you don't write for a while, however long, because you have to like hype yourself up to go back to writing and it's like what if I do all that and then I just can't do it? Returning to writing, especially after a long time, for me has taken a lot of mental work, trying to understand what will make writing fun and healthy for me. A lot of it, honestly, is easier said than done, but also it's mental work you'll keep doing after you start writing again and as you write, and for me it's easier to process my relationship with writing when I am actually writing.

A big part of that mental work for me, and something I think is so valuable, is to reconsider what "bad" writing is and give yourself permission to write it. Sometimes you will think your writing sucks, happens to all of us, but that isn't all it has to be. Like yeah, I'll think something I wrote sucks, but I still wrote it. I can revisit it and work on it and maybe I'll turn it into something I'm happy with. And even if I don't, I still wrote it, I learned from it. Writing does not need to be "good" by whatever standard we're holding it up to for it to have value. And you can delete it! Nobody has to see it! Also you can have fun writing something and still think it's not your best. I've written a lot of "bad" scenes that I had fun with because the scene was entertaining to me! I love when writing turns out how I like it, or I write a banger prose line, but equally I found it helpful to give myself permission to not worry about that all the time and just focus on my interest/enjoyment in what I'm writing, regardless of the "quality". Again, easier said than done, but something I've found easier the more I write, because you'll have bad writing days but you'll also have writing days that are so good

I know a lot of people see writing as a skill that they want to improve, and like I agree it feels really good to see your writing grow, but writing is so much more than the skill and the craft and the theory. There is no objective "perfection" to reach with writing like we are not Sims with levelled skills LOL. Writing is art and creativity and it should be fun and fulfilling. And IMO, the more you focus on what makes writing fun, you will grow and "improve" as a writer a lot quicker and in a way that is a lot more enjoyable than if you treat writing like some icy quest for perfection. You also get to decide what "good" writing is for you/your story. Some of my stories are more prose focused and I'll play more with language, imagery etc. Others are more about the plot and just having fun imagining this scene. Sometimes it's a mix of both. What is "good" writing depends on the writer, story, genre, etc. There is no one way to write.

I'm rambling a lot because I'm just really passionate about this and I cannot express enough how easier writing got, including all the difficult and ugly and frustrating parts, when I gave space to prioritise my enjoyment and fun. People love to romanticise the idea of the "struggling" writer. I see stuff on here and I'm like you guys….writing should be fun. Like yeah sometimes it's hard and we should talk about that but like, you Need to make sure you are having fun. Anyway I'm going to try not to ramble and bullet point some things that helped me:

Make Writing Fun: Lol! Literally whatever makes writing fun. Sometimes I just write super indulgent scenes and the fun of that sets me up to work on my projects. When I work on my projects I try to find what in each scene I'm going to enjoy the most, and focus on that to help me write the rest. I make playlists, moodboards, memes, art etc for my story because it's fun, and it helps me be engaged with my story outside of writing it. Just, have fun.

On productivity: some people will benefit from setting clear goals and running towards them. Some people don't. For me it depends on my headspace. I don't think productivity is a bad thing, it can feel good, but productivity should not be the only reason you write. And the most productive writing process is whichever one makes writing enjoyable for you, because that's how you'll get words on the page

On that note, please be wary of anyone online who who treats the writing advice they share as Fact. I'm not saying every writing teacher out there does...but some of them market it that way! And creators do not have an authority on writing just because they have a platform however big. There are some AMAZING content creators out there who talk about writing, and I have found them motivating, but like just let yourself be picky about who you listen to/engage with. I say this because I consumed some very Strict writing advice when I was younger and it literally contributed to my years long slump so like...I'm picky now LOL

About goals: Personally, gentle goals are what help me get back into writing. Maybe just write for 20 minutes, or write every day for a couple days. When I do word count goals, I base them on how I feel that day, and recently I don't make a word count, I'll transfer it to the next session but smaller. So if I try to write 500 words but can't I'll say okay, lets try 250 next time. Goals can be a great motivator and way to feel achieved, and maybe bigger goals will help you, but you're also allowed to adjust them as you go to make it easier

On finding new ideas, having been there before, you don't need a fully fleshed out idea to start writing. My longest break I came back to writing with...one character and a backstory? If you have stories/characters already you can revisit them, either build on what you have or completely change it. Or if you don't have that, if there's a piece of media you like you can take that concept and play around with it in your own way, or you can even just write fanfic until you have your own idea (if you want your own idea, fanfic is cool too!) You can even just find a cool pic on pinterest and play around with describing it, writing about it, seeing if you can get anything from that. Ideas are everywhere and they can be tiny, and I think if you have that want to write you Will find your story eventually. All writers have had the Idea struggle, but I think the more you engage with writing and think about what concepts and stories interest you already, the more you'll like train yourself to get ideas

That was very long and maybe a lot but like, I am very passionate about this! I've been in writing "slumps" where I didn't know if I would write again, I've started writing again with no ideas, and in those times all I had was the fact I knew I wanted to write. There are a lot of reasons why we end up having long breaks from writing and it is totally normal, sometimes beneficial for us, and we should never give ourselves a hard time for not writing for however long. But also remember that you can always come back. Every one of us has the capacity to create, whatever that looks like, and you can make it as self indulgent and self serving as you want.

#also a bit on the creators and writing advice thing #I dont think every creator out there who does How To Do X.....is treating what they say as fact. and i dont think that's Bad #i think they're just teaching what they think is valuable info #but like...you're allowed to disagree with it #but I've also encountered people with big platforms who will say shit like if you don't do This Thing you WILL fail in some way #just because THEY had that expreience...or will do writing advice marketed like Harsh Truths For Writers!!!#and like yeah you might find something valuable in that but like it's all marketing!!! they want you to click on their post and engage!#again! not always a bad thing it's how the internet works unfortunately! but sometimes it IS kind of shady lol and you can just ignore it #i'm saying this as someone sharing advice right now. you can disagree with any of this lol #some people share writing advice online and that's literally how they make money or they're using that advice to sell their product #again fair i dont think that's inherently bad but i think just. look at this stuff with a critical eye. people have experience that can be #helpful but NOBODY is an authority on writing #cause unfortunately some people Are capitalising on the fact there are vulnerable writers out there looking for help #putting this extension in the tags because its not so much about starting to write again but i think its important #in regards to engaging with writers spaces. that engagement can be so motivating but you have to set barriers LOL

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tell-them-the-north-remembers · 7 months

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To write a Jonsa fic or not to write a Jonsa fic, that is the question.

#i might actually do it one of these days #“girl you have 40k word Daemicent fic but you draw the line at Jonsa?” I KNOW SHUT UP 😭#but no i have some shit to get done nowadays but after that i will start regularly writing again #i have a bunch of modern helaegon oneshots i need to work on #not to mention the 40k Daemicent fic will probably be 200k one day #fuck it once im done with schoolwork im writing them all #wait for me canon-divergent Shireen POV asoiaf re-telling here i come #hotd #asoiaf #fanfic stuff #jonsa

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coolnonsenseworld · 1 year

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I've been working on a lot of new pieces and making them into merch, but before I start posting all of them you can go check out in the shops (linktr.ee/mezzy) Valentine's Bundle - merch that celebrates love (.... I mean klance, but I added Cuddlers as well, because I bet that if everyone had a Cuddler, world would be a better place).

There is a discount code fo 14% off of the Valentine's bundle - 7 codes for each shop (Bigcartel and Payhip) so use LO7E at the check out for a discount!

Happy Valentine's everyone thank you so much for sharing this with me and see you with the next post 💕💖💖

#i feel like crawled undeneath work for past weeks #i am so happy with all the choices ive went with #and the work ive put into them #im considering klamce might be dying out but im going to go down with this shit maybe literally #this is all I wanted to do before anything else lol no you know tbh there is a bookmark design #i was really tempted to add but it's from Cursed Love story and I said no AU shit before you finish shit #me sniffing pages of AUs i shouldnt be writing because they are not a priority: ure my personal brand of heroine bella #but yes! anyway i had more plans not only bookmark but memo pads other bracelets (more complicated) and earings (that one was my gf's idea)#but i decided to be sane (moderately)#i also bought new boxes for shipping and planned new freebies i am exited! im also exited to be done with planning and start sketching #i want to congratulate myself because ive been going off on how much pieces i start but never finish bc i had character development on that #i also eant to look myself in the eyes and ask are you happy now??????#youll never be happy #next monster to tackle are PDFs #once i sleep it all off though #once again have wonderful day everyone!!!

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eff-plays · 2 months

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I love hearing your takes on Astarion and the Tav's who are romancing him, it makes me feel less like a jerk for being annoyed by all the same things.

Glad to hear it!! I do sometimes feel like a jerk when I make those posts because at the end of the day, people who write bland OOC fanfic aren't hurting anyone.

But I also think that I'm not really hurting anyone by talking about the stuff I dislike, either. If someone is hurt by me dunking on a trope they like/have written, that's not my problem lol. Like I'm not talking directly to them or saying they can't write or enjoy it, I'm just expressing my own opinion on a general trend.

I just can't comprehend how my enjoyment of creating something would be hurt by some anonymous rando saying they don't like similar aspects of it, so whenever people do get upset it's like ... Okay? Did you need my permission to create? Do you need to believe everything you make will be for everyone forever? To me it's like ... keep scrolling, ya know? Block me if you want, it's whatevs.

It's fine to have opinions and dislike things. As long as you're not a dick directly to the people who make the things you dislike and write them hatemail or mean comments/reblogs, who give a shit, ya know?

So like ... I think even if we are jerks, it's like ... fine? It's fine to dislike things and to express your dislike of those things. Especially when it comes to general popular trends in fandom and media. Especially on your own blog and when it's not directly aimed at any particular person.

#anyway yeah #a lot of people in writing circles on tungle hate fae stuff for example but i've always loved it #so even when ppl i usually agree with go “ugh ew fae i hate it” i go 'yeah understandable' and then write more fae shit #cuz like #i like it #and that's none of my business if they don't #they're not forcing me to not write fae and i'm not forcing them to enjoy it #it's like ... fine #ya know?#who gib a shid #that's my take on it anyway #obviously i understand it can suck when people hate on something you enjoy sure #but at the end of the day i think a lot of people online would benefit from growing thicker skin and start enjoying shit #without expecting to never meet anyone who might not enjoy the same shit they enjoy #like if i started caring about every negative opinion of things i enjoy online i'd never enjoy a single thing again

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orcelito · 3 months

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I think I cried harder today over my dad's jackets than I did at his deathbed. That was a miserable time of course, a memory that will likely be seared into my brain until I die, but I cried... I think a normal amount, all things considered. More than I ever usually do of course, but I typically don't cry At All. All this free crying is certainly surreal.

The jackets, though. I was put in charge of doing his laundry, because we don't want to pack up dirty clothes. I was expecting it to be unpleasant bc my dad's dirty clothes - gross. But really, it was much more unpleasant in that... those were his. It felt wrong to touch them. Felt wrong to treat his jackets as gross. Because they were just his jackets. They weren't even in the hamper. And then I was remembering him wearing them, and then I was crying. Again. And again. Weeping over these damn jackets.

Then I found a shirt on his bed that still smelled like him. It smelled like a Hug From Dad. And that set me off crying even harder.

In total, I think I cried like 6 times within 40 minutes. It took me that long to finish sorting the damn clothes bc I just. Was a wreck. Like, what are you supposed to do when you're living life like normal, vaguely hopeful bc you're taking steps to secure your own happiness, and then 4 days later you're sorting your dad's laundry because he fucking died. Suddenly. Without a goodbye.

And you have to worry about his lack of a will (even under an ideal situation, only 2 heirs and no conflicts between us, probate's a fucking Bitch), and arranging the funeral, and prepping his obituary, and picking out pictures, and writing a speech bc you want to talk at his funeral, of Course you want to talk at his funeral, but even just thinking about anecdotes you could share has you crying yet again.

I've cried more times in the past 3 days than likely the entirety of last YEAR. And that's WITH my cat, and uncle, and family friend dying. Those all hurt, my uncle most of all, & I was real fucked up over it. But this? This was my Dad. Likely the person I'd have named 2nd closest to me in my life, second only to my sister. He wasn't perfect, but he did so much for me throughout my entire life. All he wanted was to raise us to be happy and independent. And he accomplished it, we're getting by without him, but we still wanted several more decades with him. He was only 57. We should've gotten several more decades with him.

But here we are now. Playing investigators to his life, digging into all his shit, trying to find documents and take inventory of all his things, and learning Many things about him in the process. In his lockbox of sensitive documents, like his SSN and birth certificate and all that stuff, we found an old letter. About a decade old now, written in my hand. Right at the very top, we found that he'd kept the letter I wrote to him telling him frankly about my struggles and the things I wanted him to do better. He kept it. He tried to take it to heart. He looked at it again, sometime more recently than all the rest of the documents. That was on top.

His love for us is evident everywhere. The pictures he has hanging up all over the place, majority of them with us in them. The old fathers day cards placed on display in his bedroom bookshelf. The gifts we gave him, even stupid little knick knacks, placed around his apartment with pride. I wish we'd taken more videos of him. I don't want to forget the sound of his voice. I don't want to forget his smell either, the smell of a Hug From Dad, but I still tossed that shirt into the wash even though it felt like saying yet another goodbye.

It's the suddenness that hurts the most, I think. We were planning on having him help me finally get my license this year. My final words to him, the last thing he would've seen from me, were messages asking up on whether he'd called his car insurance company to make sure there wouldn't be problems. I should've called him more. I don't know if I'm going to learn from this.

I cut my 2 weeks off early to have time to grieve and to work on things for the funeral and settling the estate. The last thing I'd wanna do right now is selling fucking bubble tea in a job I already decided to leave. So here I am without a job, though with potentially two life insurance policy payouts to come. Inheriting half his 401k. Inheriting couches, knickknacks, keepsakes, paintings, art pieces, maybe even his guitar and other furniture if we can figure out what to do about space (I don't have room for this furniture, I don't know if I even have room for the couches, but God do I want to keep so much of this furniture). It has me even considering keeping one of his guns, just one. A tiny little revolver, it sits so comfortably in my hand. I don't even want to use it for anything. I just want to have it, keep it stored in a drawer with its ammo kept separate. I don't like guns, but this is a part of him. He loved collecting guns. He was about as responsible with them as someone can be, keeping them locked in a lockbox and impressing upon his children the importance of gun safety (I've known the basic gun safety rules ever since I was a little kid. Of course, of course, of course.) It reminds me of him. It's horrifically easy to have a gun in Indiana. I apparently don't even need a permit to carry anymore. (I have no intention to ever carry this in public.)

It's all a cycle. Business, grief, thoughts about my future. Round and round, like the most nauseating carousel in existence. I don't know how I'm still so functional. My skills with compartmentalization have been my lifesaver.

And im just thinking about the story my dad's best friend shared today. About a friend of theirs who lost her father. She reached out after hearing about my dad to share his words with her: "it's okay to grieve, but don't make his death your life".

He explicitly referenced himself in this, saying if he were to die suddenly that he wouldn't want us to define ourselves by it. Grief is expected, but he wants us to be able to move on. He's always wanted us to establish ourselves and make ourselves happy. He wouldn't want to be a weight holding us back from that.

So every time I start to feel guilty for thinking about having nicer furniture or using his life insurance payout to fund the rest of my college, I remind myself of that. Thinking about the material isn't a bad thing. I'm only human. And in the end, he'd Want me to be thinking about it. He never intended to die, certainly not without warning like this, so he would've only encouraged me being pragmatic about it all.

He only ever wanted us to be happy. So I need to do what I can to live up to that.

I love him. I miss him already.

#speculation nation #negative/#this got really long on accident. but i think typing this out was really helpful for me.#getting the thoughts out. processing. the works.#nearly cried several times just from writing this.#...and honestly i might reference this again when i start seriously writing my eulogy.#things suck a Lot right now. and i really wish they were different.#feels like i picked a bad choice in a video game and am now seeing the Bad Ending or whatever #all i need to do is reload a previous save. it's all still there. perfectly preserved in my memories.#but... that's all gone. as suddenly and unfair as it is ive been thrust into a new chapter of my life so thoroughly.#it's not all bad though. he wasnt prepared for dying so it's been hell to prepare for him #we dont know if we'll even be able to get into his fucking iphone. stupid piece of shit.#but he had life insurance. he had a union job. and That comes with benefits #(something about a year's salary going to the family. aka half a year's salary to Me. and isnt That mind boggling.)#as much as it hurts im going to be realistic about it. im going to do what i need to finish my education.#and im going to use it as a springboard for finally becoming a 'proper adult'.#the kind who could own a nice kitchen fridge. one with an ice machine on the front of the door #and freezers in the drawers.#maybe then i could think about getting motorcyle lessons. not from my dad as i originally wanted #but i wanna keep the family biker spirit alive. i wanted it even before he died. and now i want it even more.#ive had so so many thoughts. it's only been 3 days. ive had to emotionally numb myself several times just to Get Through It.#everything is exacerbated. my mom wants to go to the funeral. we will have to fight her on this. my dad Hated her.#and i certainly dont fucking want her around either. not then. not when im talking about my dad.#(my dad. my Dad. i saw him die. i felt him cold. i do not regret it. it still hurts me.)#it's overwhelming. i loved him so fucking much. even with his flaws he was truly an amazing father.#i'll... shut up now. if you read this far. well. hug your loved ones a little tighter. you never know when youll lose them.

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pyrriax · 3 months

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hi tumblr im pyrr pyrriax and im in my trimonthly artist arc, lord help me and all the projects that are currently sitting in my drafts while i am lured in by the siren song of drawing

#haunted ecosystem #this is not helping with how much my hands hurt on a daily basis this is why i type and dont handwrite/draw very much.#im lured in regardless and i really need to find an artform that doesnt Hurt but for now. digital art <3 #like theres a difference between my dumb doodles (quick easy not much different from regular computer usage) and actual art #but im an artist at heart i spent sooooo long being an artist and thinking i was shit at writing. that is wrong! im actually kinda good #im rambling in tags today because i have been not social (my partner is in genshin hell and my beloved is. somewhere.)#okay but on another note i reread the first. couple chapters of wtds this morning? the pacing is a little weird and the tense is fucked #but its actually a lot better than i thought it was? you can tell i was fleshing everybody out in my head and i totally forgot about how #i described the watcher [who i am STILL redacting the name of until we get there] and just. ough. pandora being very logical #and then jumping to the latest chapter and fucking sobbing because i forgot about how it went and just. pandora and his.#whatever the fuck is wrong with him.#i have gotta start recommending people read that again. its surprisingly friendly without context because of how i approached it #that fic has taught me so many things its actually a little comical. it also made me relearn how to make and write ocs so thats fun #once i finish that main fic (and i WILL i am actually planning to sign up for a thing. im finishing it i swear.) i finally get to show off #more of the world and characters ive crafted. showing backstories and what-ifs and all these oneshots ive been keeping close to my chest #for like absolutely ages because i dont want any spoilers on my tumblr #and. im finishing that fic in pseudo-memoriam of somebody who deleted their accounts everywhere. still miss you dane!#ok this has completely gone off topic ily tumblr im going back to drawing and i might make a new pfp #it'll still be lavius but it'll be fray lavius since i think about him a lot and i like his color palette.

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crybabydraws · 5 months

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Undertale has been lying as a dormant special interest for me for a little while, but I can feel it waking back up. It's in my skin. It's like Sans Undertale is floating around in my blood vessels.

#I started writing the Dreamtale au again on an airplane and I felt like that tiktok audio that's like #Stay in the box. NO! Stay in the box! NOOO! GET OUT OF MY SKIN!!#I wanna be able to leave that au behind and just focus on canon or making other shit but I worked on it for so long man #and I think I might be able to rewrite it in a way that makes it worthwhile. I ended up scrapping most of it but I kind of want to #see it through if I can.#I know I've teased it a few times but um...yeah it's nothing like what I've shown anymore. 💀#Taking more inspo from the canon story now. Still planning it all out but yeah.#Also sorry I haven't posted any art in a while. I'll try and change that soon.#ramblings #mine #undertale

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byanyan · 7 months

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headcanons i need to write down in more detail when i have the energy to get into it: byan not responding well to quiet anger. byan genuinely panicking when someone they care about shuts down in anger. they had at least a few experiences with foster parents who did this, but the most significant was a foster mother who would go completely silent when she got angry, who would almost completely ignore them, making the entire energy of the house uncomfortable in the process. it would make them feel nervous and guilty and unsafe because she would inevitably snap and yell at them with no warning over something completely unrelated that happened to tug at that final straw. they never knew what it was they did wrong because she would never explain the actual reason behind her anger. instead, they were always left in a state of uncertainty, walking on eggshells at all times. and, of course, it was eventually after one of these moments of quiet anger that they were removed from her care by her own request. to this day they still don't know what it was they did that resulted in her getting rid of them, but it's certainly left them with a complex as a result. there's an instinctual fear of approaching abandonment anytime someone gets quiet and/or distances themself from them while angry.

#they'll like. almost desperately almost CHILDISHLY start begging at you to just yell at them or at least tell them what they did wrong #like they'd genuinely prefer you physically attack them than not say anything to them #it kind of puts them back in that headspace they were in at that age #they feel like they're seven again and they're scared and desperate and they h a t e i t #not all the abuse they've suffered has been physical (':#they don't give a shit if ur just someone. why should they care about you being angry at them?#but if ur someone IMPORTANT to them........ that's when the fear hits. that's when the trauma kicks in.#actually u know what i might not need to write it out another time this feels pretty thorough #i guess i had the energy to get into it tonight lmao #anyway. fun stuff.#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ headcanon ⋮ danger in the fabric of this thing i made.#ask to tag.

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calamity-unlocked · 1 year

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Written for @babacontainsmultitudes <3

You fold your hands together, let them rest on your lap, and inhale and exhale deeply. You can do this. You can do this. It’s a mantra you repeat to yourself, as surely and studiously as you once told yourself everything was going to be O-A-K, as fervently as you once begged yourself to believe your childhood wasn’t slipping away from you and turning into an adult didn’t make everything so complicated. Today, you will try to set aside the burden of adulthood and channel your youthful dreams and wishes again, hoping they will be the key to unlocking a particular kind of magic you’ve struggled with for too long a time. Today, you will become a wolf.

Or, Sparrow reflects on his magic, his family, and himself, and why none of it seems to be working out.

Cute bonus thing under the cut ;)

Here is a little sad love wolf doodle from my amazing wonderful precious girlfriend <3 They made this while I was being dramatic over making a summary for this

(@themissakat ily <333)

#dndads #dungeons and daddies #sparrow oak #lark oak #calamity's writing #this one's for you babs!#i started this fic a WHILE back but never had the motivation to finish #you gave me that!!#you're always so nice and i hope you like this #gods this was fun to write though #barry is such a piece of shit #but in such a different way from willy #like. willy *knows* he's an asshole #barry will pretend he's the victim while simultaneously saying and doing the most fucked up shit #i hope people will properly interpret the ending haha #sticking a note to this that just says 'critical thinking skills required' lol #oh addition this might be my last original dndads content for a while #i stopped listening to the show and will be slowly distancing myself from the fandom #then again maybe not. i still love these characters a lot yknow

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todayisafridaynight · 6 months

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One of my fave jackets is this green jacket with a fur hood im wearin rn because 1.) its green 2.) my dad gave it to me 3.) it reminds me of saejima. Who also reminds me of my dad