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imjustheremam · 9 months

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HANK J. WIMBLETON

Platonic/Romantic Headcanons

Warning: this for not for kids also there will be some spoilers, if you don't like my headcanons please don't complain, also their will be some spoilers at the end.

Platonic

Hank J. Wimbleton, we all know who this grunt is, the best mercenary, assassin, and cold-blooded criminal of Nevada.

Hank is somewhere in his 30s or 40s maybe in his 50s

Hank is no joke, so meeting him will either be your demise, or give you trauma.

But you were lucky to be hired by 2bdamned (aka S.Q), which means Hank WILL have to tolerate you despite he doesn't want to. (this is my headcanon of reader)

Hank isn't the type to befriend since he only cares about missions and killing for his pleasure.

But you somehow befriending HIM the dangerous grunt in Nevada!! You basically made everyone at the S.Q fear for your safety, but hey i won't argue.

If your younger than him like 19 or lower Prepare to be grandchild because he's going to be your GRANDPA, like almost any other grandpa he takes the lead and will kinda protect or train you if your a rookie.

Even if your a medic your going out on missions since that's the reason why 2bdamned recruited you, your the supporter of the team, so Hank is going have to deal with you healing him and the others on missions.(Also Skinner will be teaching you when you get back)

Now if your older like 20 or above, Hank will treat you like Deimos and Sanford, but since you befriended him, he will treat you kindly but still be rude as always.

Hank will still act like a grandpa but if your like more older than the others he will treat you like 2bdamned only you might annoy him a little...

Even if your younger or older, hank will refuse to listen or let you treat his injuries...

But hank will help you on missions and might actually let you be his partner in crime

Now if you were just an average grunt he would've killed you unless you helped him or gave him supplies and BAM you got 1% of his trust, so good luck gaining his trust...

ROMANTIC

Now Hank isn't the type to fall in love or be romantic but hey, we're all simps let's do this.

Ok so Hank is the type of lover to take things slow because he's never been a relationship, he also isn’t much into affectionate things, so don't get too ahead.

So give him sometime, he still new to this. And when he finally gets comfortable, you then can show him your love but teach him please, isn't good at this..

Hank will only date you if your older like in your 20s or 30s, afterall he is kinda old (so those who are younger, sorry but your nothing but a grandchild to him or a random ass kid with a knife).

Hank will act like normal but he will show his kindness and love when both of you are alone, he likes to keep the relationship in secret, because he doesn't want anyone to find out especially when he has so many enemies after him.

Hank is overprotective when he on missions with you and will sometimes try his best to treat your injuries(yeah your gonna have to help him)

If your relationship gets bigger and better hank will act a little confident and might try to flirt with you when your alone with him, he will also try his best to hug you or kiss you.

But since hank can't kiss he will bonk his head softly to yours, while you give him a peck on his metal jaw or cheek.

But for his flirting it sounds like a threat but in a loving way

Hank would spy on deimos and Sanford just to learn to flirt alittle better (but sometimes he gets caught spying)

Hank is not stupid he still understand what affectionate hugs, cuddles and more but will pretend not to know just to see you teach him how or he's just doesn't want to be soft in public.

Now if the relationship is now at its highest, hank will no longer hide his relationship with you and deimos will tease the living sh!t out of you and hank...maybe...

Deimos will also help hank which hank will mostly refuse due to not liking the annoying pyro-maniac, but hank will try...maybe

2bdamned didn't actually approve of this but didn’t argue, 2bdamned let this slide since he wants you and hank to finish missions...

Sanford and Deimos actually worry about you having a relationship with Hank, like...your dating a grunt that tried to kill them (watch or play madness combat: project Nexus 2 you'll understand)

Also the A.A.H.W will also try to kidnap you or kill you just to make hank suffer...

When you and hank date, he would prefer the date to be private and secure because of A.A.H.W, Tricky, Jebus, Bandits and everyone that's trying to kill him

During dating hank will most likely keep staring at you because he doesn't know what to say or do but, but he won't lie he loves staring at you, it makes him special.

Oh but just because your dating and he loves you doesn't mean he's gonna stop being rude, he always will be rude but he goes 25% soft on you.

Your compliments and flirts will make him get flustered, to the point he might start shaking violently.

Also he will flirt with you aswell just to make you get flustered or embarrassed,

BONUS AND SPOILER ALERT!!!⚠

Remember about what I said that hank tried to kill Sanford and Deimos well, if you dated hank before destroying the project nexus.

Well Hank would still try to kill Sanford and Deimos, you however would be the one Hank will hesitate you kill...

Yandere behavior would've kicked in if he actually killed Sanford and Deimos

But we all or half of us know Hank lost the fight, so you would've try to revive his body or take him to 2bdamned,

you would not interact with him until you finally have the courage or hank would apologize to you by buying some hotdogs...

If hank won the fight, you be missing your legs as hank kill deimos and Sanford, after that hank give you one last soft bonk in the forehead before... finishing the mission... and yeah the end

" I'm sorry y/n.. but I can't have you stop me... " he said as he stares down at you, seeing your legs were cut off by his sword as you watch in horror, in pain...hurt.... he crouches down and leans his head, until both his and your foreheads touched as you close your eyes slowly and... fall alseep... forever

Its is all I could imagine hank also I'm working on the main 4 yandere request but my part-time job took away all my days off but I'm close to finishing it...

#madness combat x reader #hank j wimbleton x reader #madcom x reader #madness combat headcanons #yandere madness combat #Madness Combat reader insert

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kirvia · 6 months

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are there any beary the hatchet fun facts you could share with us? 😳 i loved it and im super curious about any details that didnt make it into the game!

Thank you so much! I don't know if you're aware, but I have some art direction notes on my Twitter, if you want to check that out! Otherwise:

We had no idea what the game was going to be called for the first three weeks of production. It was very tentatively called "The Graveyard Shift" but this was quickly scrapped because a) the game did not actually take place at night and b) it sounded too similar to that one SpongeBob episode

Without a proper game title, Grizz was originally referred to as the Skinner, and her preferred weapon of murder was a bowie knife instead of a hatchet. This changed when we (finally) decided on the game's name, but it required us to fix some CGs and minor parts of the script. For the better, honestly-- considering the type of character she was, something less methodical than a skinning knife suited her.

A lot of the character designs in the game are based off teenage slasher movie archetypes ex. jock, cheerleader, nerd, stoner etc.

Pearl's character went through various ideas before finalization: a quiet catholic schoolgirl, a harrowed mid wife, an overenthusiastic nerd, a composed business woman. Each idea had a different sort of relationship dynamic with the serial killer.

Just a day before the deadline, our shared game file corrupted and literally all of us working on the game lost the file. We thought we were completely fucked. Luckily, we had one late playtester who had a working build that we could de-encrypt and use. Thank you Beena !!!

These were some minor design details I had written out for Pearl because I thought. a lot about her ^__^:

She made her dress out of mattress sheets and cheap lace found at antique stores. She wears black safety shorts.

Her coffin-guitar case is spray-painted red and the bat wings were DIY attached.

She most definitely has piercings, and it's something I wish I could've added to the game... but I didn't feel like drawing them because that was too much work HAHA.

I wanted pearl to have a bit of that "final girl" feeling initially, but we ended up w the grunge musician look because it fit the flashy tone of the game better. She used to look like a Final Girl imo.

#beary the hatchet

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assortedseaglass · 4 months

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🌟Christingle | Yuletide🌟

Billy Taylor x Reader

Summary: Billy gets flustered when you help with make Christmas decorations for the Halcyon.

Content: Drabble, Fluff

Yuletide Masterlist

Not for the first time that day, Billy Taylor swore under his breath.

“Sodding oranges,”

It seemed a waste to Billy; George getting all these oranges just so the hotel could use them as decoration. It was a waste too, that his afternoon was spent cutting them into slices while the other bell boys were down the pub. But Christmas was the Halcyon’s busiest period and his mother needed him to help wherever he could.

He hissed suddenly, sucking his thumb between his lips. “Bloody hell,”

A small giggle came from the kitchen door and Billy stood up at once, always ready to be of service.

“Everything alright?” Silhouetted by the corridor’s harsh light, you stood watching Billy, a friendly smile on your face. The white apron of your maids’ uniform was bunched between your hands, holding something in great quantities that you didn’t have enough hands for.

Billy rubbed the back of his neck. Ever since you’d started at the Halcyon, you’d made Billy nervous. With your bright smiles, shared glances during Skinner’s inspections and gentle demeanour, Billy couldn’t help but be enamoured by you.

“Yeah, oh yeah, fine.” He nodded and sat back down, pulling the front of his jacket straight and trying not to fluster as you pulled a wooden stool up to his workstation.

He wasn’t a complete stranger to girls. He’d danced with a few occasionally, and attempted to flirt at the pub, but as far as everyday interactions went, Billy’s experience was almost nil. Pretty young women came to the Halcyon all the time, under the watchful eyes of their mothers and husbands. But they either looked down on him, as one of “the staff”, or he was admonished by Garland or his mother as he watched a skirted bottom shimmy away for just a moment too long.

When you’d arrived, he was excited and terrified in equal measure. A pretty girl to talk to who wouldn’t pretend he was invisible and, even better, to work alongside in close quarters. A pretty girl who, most likely, already had a young man and wouldn’t think twice about daft, green, forgetful Billy Taylor.

With a clatter, you emptied the contents of your bunched apron onto the table. Jars and jars of cloves.

“For the Christingles,” you said, answering his glance at them. “Forgot to take a basket to the pantry.” You leant over him, the skin of your wrist brushing his, and took a few oranges from his pile. Billy flushed pink and glanced back at his work slicing the fruit. You didn’t notice. “It’s a waste, isn’t it?”

Billy looked up at you, smiling. “You’re telling me! I’d never even tried an orange until a year ago and here we are cutting them up for decorations.” Billy said, watching as you began adorning your orange with cloves. When you were done, you tied a red ribbon around it’s centre and curled the ends with the blade of a paring knife. You set it down next to you and took another orange in hand. Billy watched as, instead of decorating it, you began peeling it and placed a segment in your mouth.

Through your mouthful you asked, “What have they got you making then, Billy?”

“Garlands for staff kitchen. Not even for the guests. Bloody hell!” He dropped the knife and orange and sucked his thumb.

In an instant, you took his hand in yours. “D’you cut yerself?” Your mouth was still full of orange segments.

“Nah, no,” Billy coughed. “It’s the juice. I’ve a cut on my thumb and the juice keeps irritating it.”

“Over here,” you stood up, not letting go of his hand, and pulled him over to the sink. Running the faucet, you checked its temperature, “not too hot, not too cold,” and placed his hand underneath it.

Billy sighed in relief as the acidic sting dissipated.

“Tell you what, Billy,” you began patting his hand dry. “Why don’t you do the Christingles, and I’ll do the garland? The cloves won’t irritate your hands then.”

Billy was about to voice his agreement when you lifted his hand to your mouth and kissed his thumb. “All better!”

“Blimey.” He stood stock still as you walked back to the table and swapped his tray of orange slices for your jar of cloves. Coughing awkwardly and once more straightening his uniform, Billy made his way to sit beside you, a little closer than last time.

He took up the cloves and began piercing the skin of the orange. As he did, the sweet oil of the fruit filled the air. You inhaled deeply beside him.

“I wish they were cheaper,” you said with a smile. “I’d eat them everyday if I could.” You popped another segment into your mouth and Billy chuckled.

“You better hurry up and finish eating before cook catches you.”

“He won’t miss one orange.”

“No,” Billy finished another Christingle. “I’ll leave the ribbons to you. But I worry you won’t be able to stop yourself.”

“Oh, don’t worry,” you nudged him playfully. “I’ve already stashed one in my coat for later. Open up.”

“You what?”

“Open up!” You were holding an orange segment before his mouth, waiting expectantly for him to do as you asked. Hot nervousness prickled the back of his neck and in between his legs. Tentatively, he opened his mouth and the sweet, acidic taste of the lemon set his taste buds ablaze.

“Thanks,” he swallowed hard. “Can feed myself though.”

You laughed and peeled off another segment, popping it in your own mouth. “I know,” you blushed a little. “Just thought you wouldn’t get the juice in your cut again, that’s all.”

“Oh right,” Billy laughed that time, a little unsure of himself. “Thanks.”

“S’alright.”

An uncomfortable sort of silence fell between the two of you as you worked. You finished your orange and got back to slicing the others ready for drying. Billy worked through a jar of cloves and onto the next as he prepared the fragrant Christingles.

“Sorry if that was inappropr-”

“What are you doing Christmas Ev-”

You spoke at the same time. “You first,” said Billy.

You shifted in your chair and blushed again. A glimmer of pride shone in Billy’s chest.

“I’m sorry if that was inappropriate, Billy. I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“No, no,” Billy hurried to reassure you. In truth, it was both inappropriate and uncomfortable, but Billy found he didn’t mind at all. “It was helpful.”

You nodded with a small smile and cut another slice of orange. “And you Billy, what were you saying?”

“Oh, erm. Just, just what are you doing on Christmas Eve? Family plans..” his question trailed off awkwardly. Hopefully.

“Nothing really, probably just help mum get the veg rea-”

“DoyouwanttogotothecarolserviceatSaintPaul’swithme?” It came out as one, wild word. Billy took a deep breath and readied himself to ask again when he was interrupted.

“Yes.”

He blinked in shock. “You what?”

“Yeah, I’ll go with you.”

“Oh, right, ok,” Billy began picking up and putting down various things on the table. Oranges, ribbon, clove jars, knives, entirely unsure of what to do. “Right, brilliant.”

The usual suspects: @arcielee @targaryenrealnessdarling @theoneeyedprince @ewanmitchellcrumbs @ellrond @cyeco13 @babyblue711 @exitpursuedbyavulcan @humanpurposes @myfandomprompts @barbieaemond @anjelicawrites

#ewan mitchell #billy taylor #the halcyon #ewan mitchell x reader #billy taylor x reader #hilde's twelve days of christmas

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tschulijulesjulie · 10 months

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I do have two upcoming exams in two and three days respectively so naturally i spend all my time thinking about Radskier (as you do). Those circumstances let me to a thought which will not leave my mind, and i'd love to here more opinions on it. (sorry, long post incoming)

Before i start, a little disclaimer: I haven't read the books nor played the game, so what im about to say is only and purely based on and referring to the show.

So, I'm not sure how everyone else feels about Radovid, but it actually took me some time for him to grow on me. And this is partially because i had envisioned him differently, especially after seeing Hugh Skinner being cast.

So my first thought seeing him on screen was literally "what's this wet cat looking man?"

Those didn’t quite fit, but i couldn't put a finger on what's my actual association was. So I ignored it. The man and the ship grew on me, and so I've spent quite some time watching fan-edits of Radskier on YT these past days (side note: i need MORE, there aren't enough out there!)

One of those videos feature The Calling from TAD's lates album ruin and when Madeleine sang about that fox, it hit me. THAT was my initial association!!!

I mean, just LOOK at him, he's so fox-coded?! the hair(-colour), his red coat, the FURR!!! And thats only the visual resemblance. I can't help but also notice parallels in his characterisation and with what personality traits foxes are usually associated.

all of those traits we have also already seen in - or can assume for - Radovid.

He's intelligent (and tries to hide it), as Jaskier so perfectly points out for us. He's sly, and deceptive. Cunning, and determined - and charming. We might also assume that he has at least some cruel tendencies from the way he's portrayed in the games...

But now, whats REALLY interesting is looking from this perspective at the Geralt/Radovid comparison, which Jaskier so cleverly opened with his hammer-spoon-metaphor.

Because more than Radovid, Geralt even is canonly referred to as "White Wolf" (which a friend of mine so cleverly pointed out might have been Jaskiers invention!)

This is not only because he is from the school of wolf witchers and has white-ish hair. He's tall, muscular, grumpy looking, fast, a hunter and so on.

But he's also characterised that way!

He might be the lone wolf, but he cares for nothing more than his pack and will protect them at all cost.

Both animals are canines, but theyre characterised as differently as possible. Both are predators but but their way of hunting couldn't be more different.

Now, coming back to the witcher and those two characters, it's easy to assume this character design of Radovid wasn't a coincidence.

In a way they're parallels when it comes to Jaskier, both fighting for his heart loyalty.

Geralt is a hammer, a wolf, secure in his ways, stubborn, but not always right.

Radovid is a spoon, a knife, a fox, with tricks up his sleeve and a mind like a maze.

#this isn't me trying to bash Radovid btw #he's an amazing character and i cannot wait to discover more of his depths #AND him and Jaskier are so an interesting ship?!?!#the tension #the looming doom!!#delicious!#this is merely a observation i made that i found quite interesting #and wanted to share #radovid #radskier #geralt of rivia #geraskier #jaskier #the witcher #the witcher s03

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shadowsteelforge · 3 months

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#handmade knife #custom knife #knives #forged knife #knife #bowie knife #forged #weapon #shadow steel forge #shadowsteelforge #custom skinner #skinner knife #hand forged

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pabloknives · 6 months

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chick-with-wifi · 4 months

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The storyline and outfits of Mina Harker (League of Extraordinary Gentlemen)

We are introduced to Mina as a proper Victorian lady, polite and well dressed, who has been widowed for many years. (Please see the image descriptions for more details about her appearance.)

When the group meets with her former lover Dorian Gray in an attempt to recruit him, Mina learns about his immortality for the first time. This is demonstrated by her surprise when Quartermain corrects her assumption by saying, "Quite the reverse. It was Gray visiting Eton...and I was the boy."

During the fight with the Fantom's men, Mina witnesses his invulnerability when she cries out for him upon seeing him shot, but he is unharmed.

When the fight is over, a survivor threatens Mina with a knife to her neck. Revealing that she is a vampire, she brutally kills him.

Afterwards, she holds up a compact mirror. Vampires often don't have reflections and, since she is angling the mirror away from herself and Sawyer points out that she missed some blood, it is possible that she isn't looking at herself. She's looking at the others to see how they react to something she's kept so tightly under wraps for so long.

She puts her hair back up, wipes away the last spots of blood and politely comments, "excuse me", as if trying to return to the image of propriety, despite what they have just seen.

Although her display shocked the team, their reactions range from impressed (Nemo) to forced nonchalance (Sawyer) and curiosity (Skinner). Dorian claims this discovery is enough to renew his interest in joining the League - or rather, he's pretending it is new information for him since, as far as Mina is aware, he didn't know.

Aboard the Nautilus, Mina's appearance is slightly more relaxed.

When she and Dorian get some time alone, he tells her about the painting that ages instead of him and she asks when he last saw it. Having finally found someone like herself, and not just anybody but her ex she still has feelings for, she wants to know how long he's been alive.

Dorian offers her a nightcap and, when the glass breaks, she licks the blood off her fingers. For once she doesn't need to hide part of herself and this freedom adds to the eroticism of the moment for her.

When they arrive in Venice, Mina has both literally and metaphorically let her hair down, and is wearing a looser outfit.

During the chase, she does not hesitate to use the full range of her powers in front of her teammates, including transforming into a swarm of bats and climbing up the side of a building. Also in this scene, Quartermain declares that "the vampire lady has us covered!" which indicates he has moved past both his assumption that she is nothing but a distraction and his disapproval of her unladylike conduct.

Upon learning Dorian is the mole, Mina is furious and insists on killing him herself. ("Not Gray. He's lived long enough.") It is worth noting that the two of them were the only characters on first-name terms, but now she uses his surname.

Before the team go their separate ways for the final fight, they stack their hands on top of each other. Like Sawyer says in a deleted scene, M may have brought them together under false pretenses, but that was his mistake - bringing them together.

Mina is pre-emptively in her full vampire form. After keeping her powers secret or only using them for self-defense in the heat of the moment, she arrives ready to use them for premeditated murder. And during this fight, she doesn't hold back. She gives in completely to the vampiric nature she spent so long hiding. She uses all of her speed and agility, aiming for fatal strikes, and even tells Dorian, "Do you realize what you've done? What you've let out of me?"

Mina kills the one person who understood her experiences, who she wouldn't have outlived. And as he crumbles, she sees a reflection of what might one day happen to her if all the years she's lived, everything she's done, catches up with her.

At Quartermain's funeral, Mina is once again wearing her hat and veil. But this time, she is surrounded by people who know and accept her true self, even if they can't understand what it's like to be immortal. In response to Nemo saying he's done hiding and they are welcome to see the new century with him, she comments, "We've all been hiding in one form or another," using past tense, and follows him to the Nautilus.

#mina harker #league of extraordinary gentlemen #lxg #the league of extraordinary gentlemen #peta wilson

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scarstarved · 1 year

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Ratman's Notebooks, 1968 (Stephen Gilbert) / The Blood, 1958 (Ned O'Gorman) / Freshwater, 2018 (Akwaeke Emezi) / The Knife, 2004 (Jean Valentine) / The Mask Now, 2016 (Jorie Graham) / Splatter, 2020 (Linnea Paskow) / Knife in a Glass, 1963 (Richard Diebenkorn) / Jack the Knife, 2005 (Freakwater) / The Death of Vivek Oji, 2020 (Akwaeke Emezi) / Skinner, 1993 (Iván Nagy)

#quote #art #skinner 1993 #ted raimi #dennis skinner #web weaving #aes. 'a malady of divine defilement' 🔪 skinner

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istumpysk · 8 months

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OPERATION ICEBERG: THE TIER LIST

THEORY:

The miller's boys were Theon's sons.

TIER:

People's Choice!

It wouldn't be as fun if I picked everything. I trust you to choose the right one.

Low Probability: While not impossible, these theories are unlikely based on the current evidence.

vs.

Long Shot: These theories are largely speculative, based more on wishful thinking or obscure hints than on solid evidence.

vs.

Debunked: These theories have been directly contradicted by the text, George R. R. Martin, or other authoritative sources.

[Tier list overview]

EVIDENCE:

Theon had been intimate with the wife of the miller.

Theon knew the mill. He had even tumbled the miller's wife a time or two. There was nothing special about it, or her. - Theon IV, ACOK

A hooded figure, thought to be a figment of Theon's imagination, calls Theon a kinslayer. Theon knows he didn't kill Bran and Rickon, so why would he call himself that?

Farther on, he came upon a man striding in the opposite direction, a hooded cloak flapping behind him. When they found themselves face-to-face their eyes met briefly. The man put a hand on his dagger. "Theon Turncloak. Theon Kinslayer." "I'm not. I never … I was ironborn." - A Ghost in Winterfell, ADWD

After a transition from a Theon chapter to a Jon chapter, Ygritte tells Jon a story about a Lord of Winterfell who unknowingly kills his father. Theon, who called himself the Prince of Winterfell, could have done the exact opposite.

"So the son slew the father instead," said Jon. "Aye," she said, "but the gods hate kinslayers, even when they kill unknowing. When Lord Stark returned from the battle and his mother saw Bael's head upon his spear, she threw herself from a tower in her grief. Her son did not long outlive her. One o' his lords peeled the skin off him and wore him for a cloak." - Jon VI, ACOK

In one of Theon's initial chapters, he rather famously fails to recognize his own sister.

"I like to be on top." Where has this wench been all my life? "My father's hall is dim and dank. It needs Esgred to make the fires blaze." - Theon II, ACOK

Roose Bolton tells Theon the story of how he impregnated a miller's wife.

"This miller's marriage had been performed without my leave or knowledge. The man had cheated me. So I had him hanged, and claimed my rights beneath the tree where he was swaying. If truth be told, the wench was hardly worth the rope. The fox escaped as well, and on our way back to the Dreadfort my favorite courser came up lame, so all in all it was a dismal day. "A year later this same wench had the impudence to turn up at the Dreadfort with a squalling, red-faced monster that she claimed was my own get. I should've had the mother whipped and thrown her child down a well … but the babe did have my eyes. [...]" - Reek III, ADWD

Some believe Theon is dodging confronting his thoughts and emotions about the miller's sons, and being a kinslayer.

Robb was murdered at the Twins, and Bran and Rickon … we dipped the heads in tar … His own head was pounding. He did not want to think about anything that had happened before he knew his name. There were things too hurtful to remember, thoughts almost as painful as Ramsay's flaying knife … - Reek III, ADWD

"I have done terrible things … betrayed my own, turned my cloak, ordered the death of men who trusted me … but I am no kinslayer." "Stark's boys were never brothers to you, aye. We know." That was true, but it was not what Theon had meant. They were not my blood, but even so, I never harmed them. The two we killed were just some miller's sons. Theon did not want to think about their mother. He had known the miller's wife for years, had even bedded her. Big heavy breasts with wide dark nipples, a sweet mouth, a merry laugh. Joys that I will never taste again. - Theon I, ADWD

"[...] Tell me, my lord … if the kinslayer is accursed, what is a father to do when one son slays another?" The question frightened him. Once he had heard Skinner say that the Bastard had killed his trueborn brother, but he had never dared to believe it. He could be wrong. Brothers die sometimes, it does not mean that they were killed. My brothers died, and I never killed them. - Reek III, ADWD

COUNTER-EVIDENCE:

Someone call a steward, the math is not mathing. At the start of A Clash of Kings, Theon is 20 years old, Bran is 8, and Rickon is 4.

As Theon shrugged out of his wet cloak, the girl said, "You must be so happy to see your home again, milord. How many years have you been away?" "Ten, or close as makes no matter," he told her. "I was a boy of ten when I was taken to Winterfell as a ward of Eddard Stark." - Theon I, ACOK

"Bran, child, why do you torment yourself so? One day you may do some of these things, but now you are only a boy of eight." - Bran I, ACOK

When the Walders had arrived from the Twins, it had been Rickon who wanted them gone. A baby of four, he had screamed that he wanted Mother and Father and Robb, not these strangers. - Bran I, ACOK

The sons of the miller were of similar ages to Bran and Rickon.

For Theon to be the father, it would mean that the miller's wife had slept with him when he was a 12-year-old hostage/ward of the Lord of Winterfell, which is highly improbable.

It's somewhat more plausible that he slept with the miller's wife when he was 16, making only the second son his. But one has to wonder, what would be the point of one son being his and not the other?

The miller's boys had been of an age with Bran and Rickon, alike in size and coloring, and once Reek had flayed the skin from their faces and dipped their heads in tar, it was easy to see familiar features in those misshapen lumps of rotting flesh. - Theon V, ACOK

In A Dance of Dragons, Theon recalls his early years at Winterfell, where as a boy he would skip stones, hide treasures, and stalk squirrels. He notes that it was later when he first kissed a girl, and even later still when he lost his virginity to a girl in the godswood. All these things point to Theon becoming sexually active in his later teens.

Theon Greyjoy was no stranger to this godswood. He had played here as a boy, skipping stones across the cold black pool beneath the weirwood, hiding his treasures in the bole of an ancient oak, stalking squirrels with a bow he made himself. Later, older, he had soaked his bruises in the hot springs after many a session in the yard with Robb and Jory and Jon Snow. In amongst these chestnuts and elms and soldier pines he had found secret places where he could hide when he wanted to be alone. The first time he had ever kissed a girl had been here. Later, a different girl had made a man of him upon a ragged quilt in the shade of that tall grey-green sentinel. - The Prince of Winterfell, ADWD

Theon claims he slept with the miller's wife "a time or two" (what potent sperm, must be a secret Tully) and specifically recalls seeing stretch marks on her stomach, indicating their sexual encounters happened after she had children.

Theon knew the mill. He had even tumbled the miller's wife a time or two. There was nothing special about it, or her. - Theon IV, ACOK

If Theon were the father of the miller's children, wouldn't there be some sign that the miller's wife begged him to not harm his own offspring?

The night before, it had been the miller's wife. Theon had forgotten her name, but he remembered her body, soft pillowy breasts and stretch marks on her belly, the way she clawed his back when he fucked her. Last night in his dream he had been in bed with her once again, but this time she had teeth above and below, and she tore out his throat even as she was gnawing off his manhood. It was madness. He'd seen her die too. Gelmarr had cut her down with one blow of his axe as she cried to Theon for mercy. Leave me, woman. It was him who killed you, not me. - Theon V, ACOK

It's not just the hooded man, Rowan the spearwife, and Mors Umber also call Theon a kinslayer, despite not knowing about his affair with the miller's wife. This suggests that the theme of kinslaying in Theon's story mainly stems from his internal conflict between his Stark and Greyjoy identities, as well as his guilt over contributing to Robb Stark's downfall, whom he views as a brother.

"Not us." Rowan grabbed him by the throat and shoved him back against the barracks wall, her face an inch from his. "Say it again and I will rip your lying tongue out, kinslayer." - Theon I, ADWD

"I am — " " — a turncloak and a kinslayer," Crowfood had finished. - Theon I, TWOW

And finally, the story of Bael the Bard has virtually no parallels with Theon's takeover of Winterfell.

STUMPY'S THOUGHTS:

Weeaaakkk.

If you're looking for a credible theory about Theon having a secret child, wait until we cover the daughter of the captain of the Myraham.

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