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weirdmarioenemies · 29 days

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Name: Spamley

Debut: Ralph Breaks the Internet

Hey, remember the Ralph Breaks the Internet craze of 2018? What a time to be alive! Disney's film about What If The eBay Was A Place was an instant hit, due to the fact that everyone knows the Internet, and everyone wants to see a movie about it! You couldn't stop hearing about it! No wonder it won the Academy Award for best animated film! I think it beat out some movie about spiders, or something...?

Kids today might not remember, because 2018 was so long ago. They're too obsessed with their new age sexymen, like Raymond and the big balls Dwarf. But this movie wouldnt've been the cultural phenomenon it was without one character taking the world by storm: a certain J.P. Spamley!

The Internet fell in love with Spamley at first sight, flooding social media with memes and fan art about the loveable green prick. He rose to the highest ranks of the Tumblr Sex Man for a good while! You couldn't scroll for a few minutes without seeing his catchphrase, "Now's your chance to get rich playing video games!"

What kind of a megacorporation would Gisnep be if it didn't capitalize on Spamley's popularity? So they held a special Spamley Sweepstakes event on November 2019, allowing fans to donate money in honor of Spankley himself! All proceeds would go to Bob Iger and Baby Yoda, and if that's not wholesome, I don't know what is. Those who entered even had a chance of winning WILD prizes, like:

That's it that was the only prize

See him in theatres! This is what Disney told us all to do, and we listened! Little did we know they were doing this to hide a dark secret! If you buy the Blu-ray version of the movie, you can actually manipulate the Scene Select to watch the movie out of order and make some... strange things happen. You can look up a walkthrough online, but the gist of it is making Vanelope kill all the Disney Princesses. Especially Merida. And when you do, you unlock a weird alternate ending...

Spamley NEO is the secret true main antagonist of the film, and he wants to take over Oh My Disney to spread spam and advertisements! No! Not Oh My Disney! Please, for the love of God, NOT OH MY DISNEY!! You have to kill him. You have to destroy your Blu-ray copy of Ralph Breaks the Internet now. I hope you're proud of yourself.

#spamley #ralph breaks the internet #wreck it ralph #oh my disney #mod f boy #unreality #april fools

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ask-icancraft-it · 2 years

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All That We Have - Part 2

[Part 1]

((Sorry this took a while to get out! I’ve been juggling many drafts for different fics all at once! Hope you enjoy this continuation to ‘All That We Have!’))

______________________________

Felix bid the Surge Protector goodnight, and heaved a sigh after he gently closed the door behind him.

Finally, the whirlwind was over.

His friends had been waiting for him just outside the office door, the three of them immediately standing up when he glanced over at them with a soft smile.

“Thanks for coming with me,” he said.

“Of course!” Ralph replied. “You’d do the same for us.”

Tamora nodded, placing a reassuring hand on the top of her husband’s head.

“So, what do we do now?” Vanellope asked. There were still questions that needed answering, and a certain pop-up adverizer to talk to.

“Now–” Felix pondered it for a moment. “Right now, I just want to go home.”

The four of them walked together across Game Central Station to ‘Fix-It Felix Jr.,’ and entered his and Tamora’s apartment. All the blankets and pillows within the home were then unceremoniously dumped onto the living room floor, where they all laid and talked for a while. Talking about any and everything, except for the events of the night, and what would need to be done tomorrow…

Felix awoke with a start, having been among the first to fall asleep. Nestled to his left side was Vanellope, and within arms reach on his right was Tamora. Slowly, he reached for his wife’s hand, giving it a gentle squeeze as her eyes fluttered open.

She smiled, tangling her fingers with his.

“Hey,” she whispered.

“Hi,” he smiled back.

“How are you feeling?”

“Better,” he said, placing a soft kiss to the back of her hand.

“Ew! I'm right here, guys!” Vanellope shot up from where she was laying.

“Sorry,” Felix chuckled as the girl distanced herself, climbing over Ralph like a cat.

Once everyone was awake, a light breakfast was shared before going their separate ways for the work day. Ralph and Felix waved goodbye to the girls as they exited Niceland, and assumed their respective starting positions when Litwak opened the arcade.

Throughout the day, Ralph kept a closer eye on his colleague’s well-being. Usually the handyman took the time between quarter drops to socialize with his tenants through the windows, or to come up and share a bit of pie with the wrecker on the rooftop. But now, he was distant and contemplative. And each time Ralph found the time to ask his friend if he was ok, the fixer would plaster on a smile and reply with “dandy,” or “just fine.”

It wasn’t very convincing.

At quitting time, just as they planned that morning, the four reunited in the center of Game Central Station, and made their way to the Wi-fi port. Tamora glanced down to catch Felix’s eyes wandering to the adjacent empty socket.

She brushed his shoulder with her fingertips and his hand raised to meet hers instinctively. His head turned back to the task at hand.

As they crossed through their desired plug, a buzz and flash of bright red light nearly sent the fixer to the ceiling.

“Oh, it’s you lot,” Surge manifested, holding his clipboard. “Portal’s temporarily closed, I think you all know why. If only some people listened to me when the ‘Die-Fi’ was plugged in,” He glanced at Vanellope and Ralph over the rim of his glasses.

“I appreciate the added security,” Felix stepped in, having gathered his wits. “But we were hoping to get to the bottom of things and see if we can’t fix this whole situation.”

Surge started to shake his head, but considered the extra help the handyman was offering. He was the only Surge Protector for Peter’s sake, and the internet was a little more than out of his jurisdiction.

“Fine,” he resigned. “But you’d better be back before morning.”

___________________________________

“Ah, here it is,” Ralph waved to the group as he turned a corner. “Since we didn’t see Spamley in the plaza, he should probably be here–”

As if on queue, a User exited the humble website’s front door, green ad in hand.

“...Looks legit,” Tamora deadpanned as she sized up the tiny trailer-like building.

“Alright,” Felix turned to the group. “Again, thank y’all for coming. I appreciate the support…But I will talk to him and settle things.”

“Understood,” Tamora replied, a slight pout crossing her features. As much as she relished the idea of chewing Spamley out herself, proper closure for her husband took priority.

“Got it,” Ralph added, the girl perched on his shoulder nodding in agreement.

The four of them entered the humble website, and a head curiously popped out from behind a filing cabinet.

“Well hey!” Spamley smiled, immediately recognizing Ralph and Vanellope. He stepped out to greet them in full. “Been a while since I seen you two! Things turn out for ‘Sugar Rush’ ok?”

“Yeah,” Ralph said tersely.

“Good, good–” Spamley turned to file away an ad he was holding. “What can I do for you and your friends today? Lookin’ to do some more loot hunting?”

“Actually,” Felix saw the opportunity to take the reins. “If you don’t mind taking a look at this–”

The handyman placed the green ad for his hammer on the desk, and Spamley perked up as he looked it over.

“Ooh, yeah! One of the latest additions to the library! You lookin’ to turn in?”

A brief stunned silence led to an indignant laugh; a sound so unlike Felix to utter, it sent a small chill up Ralph’s spine.

“No, no…I was just curious as to how an item from an old game like ‘Fix-It Felix Jr.’ got listed in the first place,” the handyman attempted to match the Netizen’s ignorance.

“Ah, y’see–” Spamley turned to pull some more files, splaying them out. Felix scanned them as the netizen started his explanations. Dig Dug's drill, A keg from Tapper’s, a variety of Karts from Sugar Rush, and many more.

“Lightning struck when I met Ralph and Vanellope here,” the lanky man gestured to the pair. “I’d never seen arcade game characters on the internet before, but that just opened up a whole new world of opportunity! See, I connected with a fella who could make these babies universal and BOOM! Cheats!”

Ralph and Vanellope glanced at each other nervously.

“Cheats…” Felix repeated, nodding, his hands gripping the edges of Spamley’s desk.

“Yeah! For example, what player wouldn’t love somethin’ like this ‘Fix-It-Fellas’ hammer in a game like ‘Slaughter Race?’ Wreck your car? No, ya didn’t!” the salesman chuckled at his own joke. “People will pay an arm and a leg for this kinda stuff!”

“Uh huh…” Felix clicked his tongue. “Well I’m afraid they won’t get the opportunity. You see, I’m Fix-it Felix Jr. and that is my hammer on that ad.”

“Oh!—ooh…” Spamley did a double take, becoming more aware of the displeasure displayed by everyone in the room. “I–I see…”

“Spamley, let me make some things known to you,” the handyman continued sternly. This was a side of the 8-bit that was rarely, if ever seen by anyone at Litwak’s.

“When it comes to older games like the one Ralph and I share, and many of the others you’ve targeted in our arcade, there are no server resets, or loot respawn times, or whatever else it is these online games have nowadays. For many of us, what we are given at creation is all that we have–” Felix removed the hammer from his tool belt and held it up, not yet done saying his piece.

“This hammer is the only thing that I have to protect the people I care about. And as far as I’m concerned, if someone wanted to take it from me, they would sooner pry it from my cold, dead hands!”

Spamley gulped, shying away from the handyman’s gaze.

“And that nearly happened last night when three of your fellas jumped me. One of them stuck me with something that jumbled my code up something fierce,” Felix tried to shake the memory of how that device made him feel. “I could barely move.”

“An EMP…ah jeez,” Spamley shook his head woefully. “Look, I’m sorry for what happened. But I don’t have any control over what people do after I give ‘em my ads–”

“But you have control over what you put out,” Felix’s patience ran dry. “Anything you have listed from Litwak’s, take them down; cancel them. You had no right putting those items up for bounty, and if I see anyone else hurt or harassed by folks with your flyers, we’ll have some more words...Am I clear?”

Spamley looked from Felix to the two towering figures standing closely behind him, visibly shrinking from their glares. Tamora silently jabbed a fist into her adjacent palm.

All the netizen could do was nod.

“Good!” Felix approved, gathering up the flyers Spamley had laid on the desk. He then turned to give them to his wife.

“Here darlin’,” he said sweetly. “For target practice later.”

The sergeant smirked as she tucked the papers into her inventory. With a small salute and playful ‘Pow’ with her finger gun to the green gentleman, she was the last of the group to leave the site.

The four of them rounded the corner, where Felix all but toppled over. Hands shaking, he sucked in and let out an uneasy breath.

Tamora was beside him in a heartbeat, kneeling down and holding him steady by the shoulders.

“Easy, easy–” she said soothingly.

“That took a lot out of me,” the handyman stammered.

“I know,” the sergeant smiled, proud of the courage it took to assert himself like that.“You did good, Fix-It.”

“Yeah?” he replied bashfully.

“Well you scared me, that’s for sure,” Ralph only half joked.

“Oh I didn’t, I wasn’t trying to–” the 8-bit floundered, feeling like he’d let his emotions get the better of him.

“Felix,” Tamora held his face in her hands. “You did what was necessary to help keep the arcade safe. You did good. Okay?”

The handyman nodded. “Okay,” he responded timidly. Severely needing a hug, he wrapped his arms around her, and she matched him, holding him tight.

Immediately, the couple was lifted up and into Ralph’s bone-crushing embrace. Vanellope joined in the group hug, laughing as she rolled off of the wrecker’s shoulder.

“I think that was a job well done! Go team!” Ralph beamed as he waddled down the alleyway with everyone in his arms.

“You didn’t do anything, Ralph,” Vanellope chided.

“What? Support counts! Isn’t that right, Felix?”

“It does.”

“See, kid? We should celebrate!” Ralph’s boisterous voice echoed down the alleyway as the four of them headed back home.

#wreck it ralph #fix it felix #sergeant calhoun #vanellope von schweetz #hero's cuties #spamley #crafty writes

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