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minimalisticmonstermash · 3 years

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What the Fandom (actually) thinks about the SPN Finale 15x20!

A short while ago I posted a Quiz [Which Part of Supernatural Season 16 are you?] and the post has 27 notes, so I thought barely anyone would have taken this, but it turns out actually a couple people did. And I´m so glad I did put in one free form question: “Would be please be so kind to sum up the finale in 3 words. (Or 333 if you want to...)” Because the past days I clicked through the notifications on the quiz, which is kind of tedious, but I could not stop cause what people put in there is a mood, a riot, the pure unfiltered truth, eloquent and outrageous in the best way! And so I collected the answers and tried to roughly group them. Which you can find under the cut. (If someone that took the quiz wants to be tagged or have the commentary removed please just message me!) Can you guess what the most common 3 words were?

The rare acceptance or praise not that bad // Not entirely horrible. // satisfaction and closure :D // good idea, shaky execution, ultimately fulfilling // epic love story

Grounded Truth & the well adjusted It was something // well that happened

CW & Network aka. put the blame where it (probably) belongs network fuckery afoot // Corporate Fuckery Ahoy! // network bullshit ruined everything // fuck the cw // Fuck the CW // Fuck you cw // cw ships wincest // FUCK ROBERT SINGER // Greed won

Make some Effort (@show) Lazy // half-assed fever dream // feverish dream (nightmare) // Could be better // Not comprehensible, stupid, low budget // How did buckleming do better // Fuck you, spn writers. Could have done better

Hate Crime A hate crime // literal hate crime // The hate crime // I only need 2 and it's hate and crime // subtle-but-not hate crime // hatecrime to all Homophobia Call Out Straight Gay Chicken// not gay enough // bad unsexy homophobic // Where's my gay? // horrific hetero nightmare // Homophobic queerbait bullshit // no homo shitshow // Bury your gays // silencing, erasing, ugly // Homophobic and incestual // homophobic disappointing stifd // Character assassination and homophobia // Stinky, censorship, offensive // Disappointingly heterosexual & bland You need to speak fandom for that why lamp wtf // It’s the turbo hell we were all sent to // Wheres the tapes??? Castiel centric so no cas? // So no cas? // Needs more Cas // No Cas, pathetic // where is cas // why no Cas // where was cas // yo a ti // where was castiel Bless you I released scripts for a reason

Deserving Better! Damn Right! They deserved better // They deserved better // They deserved better // dean deserved better // dean deserved better // dean deserved better // Dean deserves better // destiel deserved better // Destiel deserve better. // Jensen deserved better // dumb , idiotic , horrible and #deanwinchesterdeservedbetter

Trash, Shit & Garbage aka. The scatological truth FUCK THIS SHIT // Shit shit shit // Shit shit shit // total shit // Shittiest fucking shit// Total and utter shite. // Piece of shit // Fuck this shit // Complete utter shit // Fucking pointless shitshow // stupid As all fuck // That was shit. // A shit show // what a shitshow // An absolute shitshow // total shit show // a shit show // A shit show // total shitshow lmao // absolute shit show // A shit show // Rancid shit show // i would say it's a shitshow but that's mean to shit // Complete utter shit // fuck that shit // fuck that shit // fuck this shit // Absolute fuckin bullshit // fucked up shit // Utter shit bro // Distilled horse shit // Absolute horse shit // Absolute Horseshit. 3. // Absolute dog crap // Piece of crap // pile of crap // piece of trash // Steaming trash fire // Shit ass garbage // Gar ba ge // Fucking trash fire // Absolute garbage fire // A dumpster fire // piece of trash // unfortunate dumpster fire // Flaming pile of garbage // disaster dumpster fire // Unsatifying flaming garbage // Dumpster fire on ice. A mess. Underwhelming. Incomprehensible. Oof // I got 2: dumpster fire // Complete. Fucking. Bullshit. // Complete utter bullshit // utter gross bullshit // Shit fuck shame // hot mess inside a dumpster fire inside a train wreck

Still won´t read any praise here The worst thing // a complete disaster // so fucked up // It was terrible // it really sucked // Man it sucked // Well that sucked // Fucking sucked bro // it fucking sucked // it sucked ass it was fucked // Sucked major ass. // It sucked ass // very not good :( // it was bad :( // Absolutely fucking awful // The very worst // bad. bad. wincest... // Bad bad bad // bad poop ending // bad funni yuck // horrendous nightmare fuel // A fucking nightmare // worst thing i’ve never seen in my life // an absolute atrocity // a fucking disaster it was terrible // an absolute disgrace // Just so awful // Really Fucking Bad // Literally the worst // Real real bad // Bad stupid bad // uhh very bad // crap bad lacking // horrible rude worst // awful // bad // bad // Crap // wack Ugh. // No // UGH // Bad, messy, dumb // Bad terrible worst ugh // Oof my dude // deep deep sigh 9000+ epic failure // Small dick energy

Demands! Suck my dick // Not it motherfucker

Thinking of all of us! We all lost

Summed up in 3 Words Bitch. Fucker. Ass. // Death age heaven // Dead, married, forgotten // Sam Dead Car // Dead, Sad, & Car. // Dead, Sad, Car // Slow shambling death // burns in hell // Absurd, wtf, huh // fucking odoriferous stench.

Not Canon & Fake & Insulting insulting. not canon // Unsatisfying, degrading, noncanonical // Disgusting Insulting Fake // sad, bullshit, not-a-finale // Embarrassing, ridiculous, insulting // disheartening, harmful, horrible // Terrible. Disgusting. Hilarious // Incomplete. Unkind. Nonsensical. // Traumatising, stupid, horrendous // horrible incomplete unsuccessful // Disgusting, disrespectful, unreal

Disappointments & Complaints very big disappointment // disappointing, disrespectful, baffling // An utter disappointment // disappointment of the decade // Fruitless, regressive, insulting, disturbing, and all-in-all just disappointing // the complete unpackage // supernatural finale clusterfuck // WRONG, Horrible, Offensive // poo rehash bad // Unnecessary character deaths Betrayal & Inconsistency Stupid awful depressing poorly written inconsistent betrayal // Boring betrayal // inconsistent, monotonous mess // inconsistent disappointing mess

Denial! Aka. The wise! Finale? What finale? // What finale ? // what finale? // Finale? What finale? Ohhhh yeah 15x18 was great // you mean 15x18? // Did not happen. // What the...what?? // What finale ??? // um.........what finale? // finale? what finale. // what finale? it didn't air yet. last episode that aired was 15x18 pffft // what finale :) // Does Not Exist // It never happened // That didn’t happen // No, i refuse, there was a finale??? // what finale?? // It doesn't exist // it doesn't exist // Weird of season 15 to end with 19 episodes and an open ending // what finale? the show got canceled after 15x18 // Finale? What finale? Supernatural isn’t over. I’m not in denial, you are // an atrocity i've erased from my memory // I Can't See Suddenly. I Don't Know// Don’t know her.

Consequences & Emotions (I hope you´re all okay, have a hug!) Oh my god it was awful. Hated it. Made me reactivate in the fandom. And obses over that show AGAIN. Oh, and yeah, yeeted me to a place so dark that I got me some new scars. // Ymmmmm, fuck the finale. It got me spiraling down back to depression and self harm. Didn't make sence. Badly written. Badly executed (well, except acting) // Never wanted to claw my own face off more than watching that heap of garbage // fuckin hated it // My heart hurts // Stupid unsatisfying pain // slap inthe face // I am unhinged // Im throwing up // I am sad // i went feral // Broke my heart // hurt my feelings / I wanna die // i hate it <3 // I hated it // I hate it // Extreme rage inducing // Trauma, It was // Oh. Oh dear. // Absolute soul crushing, sucked sunshine and joy out of this world and any other possible reality this abomination exists in. It hurt so much I actually disassociated and had a real life horrible week. Luckily anger finally swept in and fan fiction ultimately saved the day. // AWFUL. HARMFUL. DEPRESSING. I HATE IT // Waste of time // My villain origin story // Destroyed rewatch value

This is unfortunately too true disturbingly pro-suicide // odd lacking empty

Valid Questions: why’d’ya do that // Why why why

WTF?! What the … “The popular 3” What The Fuck // What the fuck// what the fuck // What the fuck. // what the fuck // What the fuck // What the fuck // What the fuck. // What the fuck // What. The. Fuck. // What The Fuck // What the fuck // what the fuck // what the fuck // What the fuck // What the fuck // What the fuck?! // What. The. Fuck. // What the fuck?! // what. the. fuck. (was that????) // What the actual fuck? // 1. What 2. The 3. Fuck // 'what the fuck' // The actual fuck? // What the heck, //// What the heck // What the heck // what the hell // What the hell? // what the hell

Narative & Character Development That was pointless // Failure of storytelling // 15 years of story and character development down the fucking drain // Fuck character arcs, no free will // Assassination of character // Lost character development // character development is dead // disjointed alien mess I don't know these characters what the fuck // boring, loveless, characters are ignoring // Season 1 Finale. // From darker timeline // Awful Forgetable OOC // piece of shit all the character development thrown out the window. cas deserved better (also to be with dean cause they are in love) // Underwhelming, disappointing garbage, a slap in the face of chatacter development. // the dark ending // The Chuck ending we didn't deserve. // a dumpster fire on the level of the GoT finale - all character dev & story arc thrown out. CLOWN VAMPIRES

The Jokers among us, or those finding a laugh in the grimmest things a comedy // Just a joke

Relateable: AAAA AAAAA AAAA // AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I see what you did there and I love you 333 // 333 // 333 // 333 // 333 variations of the word fuck I especially love you 666

Rebels! 4 words (sorry): they showed their hand // The end of hope (that’s 4 words but too bad)

Didn´t watch the Finale for various reasons Haven’t seen it, // i didn't watch it out of spite // haven't seen it yet for some reason // didn’t watch it // I didn’t watch it but everything that happened because of it activated the decade-old sleeper agent part of my brain that was a spn fan // I stopped watching spn in the middle of season 12... The finale was awful from what I gathered

Hello Stranger, we welcome you here I don't actually watch SPN I'm taking this for kicks bro

The Refusal (either of the finale or the question) Nope // No thank you // no // No // No thanks, fuckers // No thank you. // No // This is bullshit // haha what? No // Please, not this // Oh god no // noooooo oooo ooo // ....no. // No. It sucks // I will not <3 // no thank you // no no no // no thank you // Lmao wtf no // Nope. Just no. Refusal is self care! No, I won't let it hurt me again. // I can't, it's too bad

The offensive Wig! Party city wig // party city wig // party city wig // Homophobic, bad, wig // shitty sam wig // party city wig // Party City Wig // party city wig // Jared's fucking wig // bad, homophobic, party city wig // The Wig™ Blurry wife Sam's blurry wife

The Nail / Rebar! ( @the-rusty-nail-that-killed-dean @therustynailthatkilleddean you are recognized) nailed by dickbar // rusty nail wins // Rusty fuckin nail. // Nail Dean Death Clown // dean got nailed // Rebar. Cas helped.

All of those Dickbar, Blurry Wife, Driving for 40yrs,Party City Wig, Drone Shot (cringe) // absolute trash fire garbage, burn the party city wig and the cw down but keep the dog

Those with crystal balls expected i guess // disappointed, not surprised

Puzzled (Yeah me too) or Undecided or Eh i don’t even fucking know // Jggfdv // Huy // Meh // Meh // meh // it was bad ??

Let´s create great fanworks!! free real estate

Defies Categories and is good stuff everything for nothing. // traumatizing, badly-written, comedic // devastating yet obnoxious // God is dead but hegemonic masculinity is still kicking // maam this is a wendys // am so glad that I was a whovian. I've dodged two bullets. // F's in the chat // >:((

I´m sorry, I failed you with this quiz quiz was wrong // Dude. Dude you gave me "liking the finale" a minute ago. I assure you; i did not. "You have found peace" bro I haven't known a SECOND of peace since that ill-begotten nightmare of a shitstorm // [[“I STILL HOPE UR DAY WAS G”:]] HOW THE FUCK DID I GET THAT I LIKED THE FINALE PLS OP THIS IS NOT A MARK ON YOU OR ANYTHIG I LOVE U EVEN IF I DON'T KNOW YOU BTU PLS THE DEPRESSIVE STATE THAT I SPENT MY LIFE IN POST-FINALE DOES NOT DESERVE TO BE SHAMED IN THIS WAY I. PLEASE. I DID NOT LIKE THE FINALE. HOW DO I GET A DIFFERENT ANSWER PLEASE

Misha? Was that you? Rancid Nut Work

Particular Stuff Fuck john Winchester // [[“ Mj”; ]]fucking disgusting shitshow [okay so that was 3 words, but MAY I JUST SAY, c*w was incredibly disrespectful to Misha, Cas, Jensen, and Dean. Misha played a Cas for 12 years, and then he's not even in the finale? and Cas gets mentioned a whopping total of 2 times after he confesses his love to Dean?? and then, Jensen. 15 years of his life on Supernatural. Jensen turned down the role to be Captain America, and his best friend is Dean, the character he plays. But then Dean dies on a rusty nail, never getting to actually live his life? Dean died how he always thought he would- and he died as "Daddy's Blunt Instrument", finishing off his dad's unfinished case. J*hn Winch*ster ab*sed him and Sam mentally, emotionally, and possibly physically too, and does NOT deserve to get a Heaven at all, least of all, a Heaven right by Deans. Dean never got to live how he wanted to and was repressed as fuck, and this is all because of his dad, the resident shit head. And don't even get me started on the queer erasure, and racism. Kevin Tran deserved better. He, after through all he suffered on Earth, deserves to go to Heaven, not be tortured in the afterlife forever. I fully believe that it's just because he was Asian. If J*hn got into Heaven, why couldn't Kevin. Also, not to mention, Charlie, Rowena, Claire, Patience, Kaia, Crowley, Donna, and Jodi, and probably countless of other queer characters who were erased. They were silenced and fuck the cw for doing that. I could add so much more, but for now, have an excellent day and a wonderful year :)] // [[“Yellowcollins”:]] hat the fuck was that literally what the fuck. I’m convinced the writers did not watch a single episode they made past season 3. There was literally not a SINGLE character from season 4 onwards in the finale. LITERALLY. NO. ONE. and what about “family don’t end in blood” that they’ve been preaching since LITERALLY season 1??? huh??????? nah fuck 15x20, this will go down and the WORST ending in the history of endings.

[cookie] < for everyone that made it that far ;)

#mmnope

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not-here-to-please · 6 years

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For the first time since my relapse, I’m actually clean. 1 week today! I know to people who have never experienced a mental illness or self harming will think that’s a really short amount of time to be clean. After all, how hard can it be to go a week NOT hurting yourself? Most people wouldn’t even contemplate it. But when hurting yourself becomes a habit - your way of coping when things are bad and you have no one to turn to, a week is like a lifetime. This relapse is the hardest one I’ve had to recover from since I was diagnosed three years ago and to be able to say that I’ve not only been clean for a week but that my eating is better, that I feel happy, that I actually FEEL anything is just the best thing ever. Because people don’t understand mental illness, it’s hard to get help from the people around you. If they can’t see the problem, they don’t know how to fix it so I’ve mainly been doing this on my own and not many people have known I relapsed. The hardest part was going to the doctors to get help. Over the past few months, I’d made doctors appointments but couldn’t bring myself to go. When I finally did, it felt like a weight had been lifted. I’m the kind of person that puts everyone else first and doesn’t talk about her problems because I don’t want to put them onto someone else. (Although, I have to point out that Mitch has been amazing to me throughout this and has been so understanding and been on the phone with me for hours and listened to me cry over nothing and I am SO appreciative of him - thank you poo bum x). To be able to have gotten out of this hole on my own without much help and support from anyone around me is really heartening for me because I’ve learned that I can do it when other people can’t/won’t be there for me. It’s been a rough year but I’m finally getting somewhere! And it feels good! #1WeekClean #Relapse #Depression #SPN #SPNFamily #AKF #AlwaysKeepFighting #SelfHarm

#selfharm #depression #1weekclean #alwayskeepfighting #relapse #akf #spnfamily #spn

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scoobydoodean · 5 months

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Sam's ending in Supernatural is also dogshit it's just that hardly any of his fans pay enough attention to him to actually notice or realize this or care and most bibros are too busy jerking off to the idea of dull narrative symmetry with the pilot and Dean dying "for" Sam (a thing that only happened in their heads and that is a thoroughly revolting concept to begin with in this context) to notice anything off.

#spn finale poo poo #me *hands shaking* i will not get rage baited by spn screenrant articles i will not get rage baited by spn screenrant articles i will not g

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scoobydoodean · 3 months

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if you were a writer on spn what ending would you give dean

Open ending. I would not write Dean’s ending because I think the whole point should be that it should be his to write and no one else should get to write out the length of his life for him. This is largely what makes 15.20 so utterly rancid—the attempt to walk through and set in stone Dean’s entire path even into eternity (much less in a way that doesn’t fit him or his family).

Dean did say he wanted to go to the beach tho and I think that TFW should go on little vacations every single time Dean wants to go because my baby deserves whatever he wants at all times.

#mail #spn finale poo poo

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scoobydoodean · 8 months

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(Sittin' On) the Dock Of The Bay by Otis Redding

#spn finale poo poo #fan works #good gifs with free tools challenge #webweave #my fan works #deans big brass balls

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scoobydoodean · 4 months

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are you pro or against miracle the dog? I feel like deangirls are very divided on miracle's existence 🤔

I just know dean would have been such a good dog dad. In my heart I know this to be true

I could never be against Dean cradling a cute dog against his bosom. That was in fact the only thing that happened in 15.20. It was 40 minutes of Dean playing with Miracle the Dog.

#mail #spn finale poo poo #dog breed no longer specified due to chris pine taking issue with my memory of what dog breed the dog is #idk or care all i know is cute fluffy dog

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scoobydoodean · 6 days

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i’m trying to write a s15 fix it fic and i’m kinda stuck on what the ending for heaven should be. along with other smaller details i have figured out, i know jack’s not gonna be god, and neither will amara, but that means heaven can’t keep functioning as it has been, smth needs to change. i do have a few ideas, but i’m interested in what someone like you, who has a much more comprehensive knowledge of spn than i do, thinks. like how you wish the ending happened (other than dean living ofc), how you wish they handled the cosmic consequences of taking out chuck?

and ofc i won’t like steal your ideas! i’m just looking for inspiration and another perspective in order to flesh out my basic ideas

Well... to be honest, when I read fix it fics I often skip the world building aspects surrounding "new heaven structure". Honestly I'm more the kind of person to feel that part of the fun of fic is not having to do complicated world building and getting right into the character-oriented portions of the story. 😂

As far as my own wishes: I am a HUGE proponent of an open ending for Supernatural. Because Supernatural is about a battle between the concepts of Free Will and Destiny, and the final season, in particular, is about an evil author/god writing the characters lives, I feel the only narratively satisfying conclusion is one where even the irl author sets the characters free from their vision (after a certain point—obviously we want to have our fun and set the characters up for success). This is a HUGE issue with the actual series finale in my mind—that it attempts to write out the entirety of the characters lives even into eternity, entombing them in the author's vision with absolutely nothing left to the imagination when this show was MADE for a "ride off into the sunset" style ending because it's about free will. 15.20 simply was not that—it was far FAR too intrusive.

I mean to be totally honest because of its negative narrative significance, I kind of think heaven should simply implode. I think it would be very cathartic for everyone involved. The Winchester's provided (imo) an excellent landing pad for a fully canon-compliant fix-it fic where Dean once again tears apart the script. And yes—to me heaven is still someone else's script in 15.20, whether that was the authorial intent or not. Even if one isn't "Chuck won" truthing, one still has the line, "Cas helped" in 15.20—meaning that at the very least, Cas and Jack are trying to write paradise. They are trying to write The Future. (I discuss my criticisms of that here). This is also why the summary for my own WIP fix-it... looks like this:

Castiel abruptly drops the cassettes onto the kitchen table in a clatter, barely avoiding Mary’s morning coffee. “I need help understanding your son.” Much to Castiel’s consternation, Dean… isn’t happy with the heaven Cas and Jack have designed and built for him. If that wasn’t clear enough from his preference for universe-hopping to alternate worlds over spending time in the heaven literally designed to be his personal peaceful paradise, or his in turns defiant and despondent attitude when grounded (read: when he hasn’t quite figured out how to chew through the plastic of his “cage” yet again)… it would be impossible for Cas to miss the fact that Dean will barely speak to him. Instead, he afflicts Castiel with one-track cassette tapes.

On a symbolic level, to me, heaven in SPN represents false paradise. It represents Free Will losing to Destiny. It’s a hopeless, helpless, ultimate: “No matter what you do, you will always end up here”. Even if you succeed at defying The Man in life, you will ultimately be forced back into a heaven where someone else’s vision for your life plays out for the rest of eternity, sold as "paradise". You will always end up back in The Beautiful Room. The afterlife doesn't have to be conceptualized that way, but I think the "new" heaven in 15.20 still heavily misses the mark for me in this regard, especially given the surrounding context.

All of that said, in a more general sense, I think what you do with heaven in a fix-it fic really depends heavily on what relational/emotional themes you're exploring in the fic. For example, say I want to write a fic where Dean reflects on his life being full of responsibilities that were too big and how this deeply warped his sense of self-worth. Say though that I largely explore Dean's feelings and reflections on this through Jack, in the present, cracking under the pressure of being expected to be God. A narratively satisfying ending to that fix-it might intentionally leave the question of what exactly becomes of heaven an open question, because the catharsis in the end is that it isn't Jack's (or anyone else in TFW's) responsibility to figure that out. To have Jack say "I'm trying so hard to make everyone happy everyone wants me to make paradise and I don't know how and I'm drowning", and for Dean to say "You don't have to make paradise. You don't have to do any of this. It isn't your job." Could be a very emotionally poignant conclusion to a fic that focuses on that theme.

I wonder if taking even a further step back would also help? By which I mean: the concept of a heaven as a whole, or hell, or purgatory... they're all assumedly of Chuck's design, and while that doesn't make having four afterlife locations (including The Empty) inherently bad, it also doesn't make make for inherently good design either—practically or ethically. The angels were having trouble keeping the lights on upstairs as their numbers dwindled, Purgatory is an absolute mess (think about where Garth and Bess and their kids will end up...) The only place possibly doing okay in the end is Hell, under Rowena's rule. Death had lots of concerns about balance between the various afterlife areas and I actually think it would be hilarious to give Death... 4.0? a heart attack by just being like "Well... what if we just got rid of some of these places? What if we were trying to stay upright and balance on a seesaw instead of on a ball that can turn in any direction? Do we really need a separate afterlife for monsters? Can heaven and hell just both be in the same place and Rowena and a few other people run it?" Though the need for a new Death could also mean... a new one comes in with a new idea about how to structure the afterlife, but then you also have to ask yourself how intricately you want to detail any of this. If your primary goal is to build the most comprehensive possible fix-it fic that addresses any conceivable question a reader might have about the new reason of the world, then you might finely detail the new concept of the afterlife. On the other hand, if you're more interested in exploring an emotional theme, it might make sense to have whatever happens or doesn't happen with heaven symbolize or relate to an emotional/relational theme within in your story.

Idk that was very rambly sorry I hope it helps a little with brainstorming!

#mail #spn finale poo poo

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scoobydoodean · 4 months

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Killing Dean IS illegal, you're right. Does this mean you hate the finale

You bet your goddamn ass I do

#mail #spn finale poo poo

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scoobydoodean · 4 months

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Wanted to chat about some tangential things in my last reply of this post and the related reply from @deanwinchesterwebsite while sparing all of us the length of the whole post.

Slightly off the topic of money, but I like what you said about how Dean constantly offers or encourages Sam to grab at moments of normalcy (staying with Lori, Sarah, whichever woman is representing a normal life that episode) whereas Sam rejects that -- it can happen after the revenge plot when Sam goes back to his "normal" life. This is merely an interruption. But Dean knows there's always something else to hunt, and there is no "getting out". His whole life he's tried to build periods of normalcy, knowing it won't last. Does Sam also know deep down that there's no "after", since he experienced that childhood too, and he just doesn't want to accept that he likes hunting? Or does he still believe in that dream, as evidenced by him telling Dean to get out and live an apple pie life after he jumps in Swan Song?

Dean as Sam's Relationship Cheerleader™️ is something I've meant to dedicate a gifset to for some time. He is constantly trying to get Sam to connect with people. Lori, Sarah, Madison—even Meg. I do have this set along a related vein. I also have a tag for Sam not being carried along by the tides of the immutable sea, but I made that tag so long and complicated I can't actually get it to work anymore for some reason... I need to shorten it. My tag #sams motivations is meant to include a lot of posts giving context to Sam's choices (I have a considerable backlog of gifsets I need to make for this), and #sam the hunter for his relationship to hunting.

From my personal perspective, hunting and family are deeply connected for Sam. He tells us (Charlie) this the most plainly in 10.18:

SAM Yeah. I guess I really understand now that….this is my life. I love it. But I can’t do it without my brother. I don’t want to do it without my brother. And if he’s gone, then I don’t….

This little bit of dialogue imo explains a lot about what many would consider "wishy-washy" behavior from Sam over the first 2/3rds of the series. Hunting is a family first activity for Sam. If the family is dead, he will get revenge (season 1, 2, 4) or quit (season 8) if family is alive but attempting to live peacefully, he will seek out other family (the Campbells in season 6). Season 8 is the trickiest of all. I have a very long post about Sam's headspace in season 8 here.

Unpacking Sam's views on hunting is tough to do in some places in a way that answers everyone's "but what about...?" moments, because while the result is often the same (Sam is hunting), the motivation is often very different and quite varied.

Season 1

Hunting is revenge, then it's also a coping measure for Sam's grief, and then it begins to develop as a mission (1.20). At the same time, Sam absolutely sees it as a temporary reality of his life—a detour from his normal life (1.16).

However, there's also The John Wound™️ which begins healing up in 1.08 when Sam learns that John periodically checked up on Sam when he was in school to make sure he was safe. There's their hug in 1.16, and there's their conversation about the college fund in 1.20 where John explains himself and apologizes and Sam says he and John are the same. Sam has more sympathy for John Winchester than anyone else, and I think that's something that people often, somehow, miss. This renewed connection with John—still filled with flashes of anger as they butt heads—is this precious, fragile thing that slips through Sam's fingers like so many grains of sand before he really gets to feel they've "fixed" it because John dies.

Season 2

The seeds having been planted in 1.08, 1.16, and 1.20 (to some extent also in 1.02). After John's death, hunting is how Sam feels close to his family (especially John) and honors the memory of their parents. It's how he deals with the regret of all the things he and John didn't get to say and mend. He talks about hunting in John's memory instead of going back to school (2.02), and he insists on bringing John's dog tags to Lawrence so he can place them on Mary's grave (2.04).

In 2.20, he tells Dean he's glad they know each other and get along, when the context is Dean's djinn dream where they never spoke, and Sam got everything he wanted in the Pilot—Jess, the white picket fence, the law degree.

In 2.10, Sam refers to hunting as something that he can't escape—says California was him running, and implies hunting is something he doesn't want to escape anymore. He tells Dean he's just going to have to stick around being a hunter if he wants to support Sam, because Sam isn't going to run and he isn't going to stop.

Dean is balking at the hunting life and desperate for a break, and Sam says, "You're a hunter. I mean, it's what you were meant to do" (2.10). He reiterates—in 2.20 when Dean is spilling despair and grief out of every pore—that the job is worth it despite all of the pain because of the people they've saved. In the beginning of 2.13, he's jealous that Henriksen put out warrants for Dean but not for him after the fiasco at the bank.

It's worth noting though that Sam also has a more fatalistic perspective this season. At times he believes he should be killed before he turns "bad" (and pushes Dean to promise to take him out when he knows Dean won't). He isn't necessarily facing the idea of hunting for the rest of his life. He's facing the reality of turning evil quite imminently and then a young and bloody death (he wishes, at his brother's hand before he hurts anyone), and episodes like 2.11 Playthings and 2.18 Hollywood Babylon and 2.13 Houses of the Holy reveal he's also motivated to hunt as a distraction and to prove that he can subvert his demonic destiny.

Season 3

Demonic destiny subverted (they think—until Ruby tips Sam off about Lilith and the title The Boy King starts getting throw around) Sam focuses on Dean. Dean intends to burn bright for the whole year until his deal is up, and go down in a blaze of glory, and Sam spends the first 2/3rds of the season trying to get Dean to care and secretly working on plans to save his life and growing more and more bold and ruthless about it.

One episode after calling Ruby a "cold bitch" for telling him not to feel guilty about killing two human hosts (3.04), Sam shoots a crossroad's demon, killing the human host because he's furious that he's powerless to save Dean (3.05). When Dean dies in Mystery Spot, Sam turns into a hunting machine obsessed with vengeance against Gabriel. In 3.12 Jus In Bello, he considers human sacrifice. In 3.15, it's using an immortal's alchemy and turning himself and Dean into frankenstein's monsters. He summons Ruby behind Dean's back and against his dying wishes looking for a last play to save his brother's life. He wants his brother with him and he's growing more and more desperate and more and more willing to traverse dubious ground to get what he wants—what he needs.

Sam also talks about honing his skills as a hunter to become strong enough to face life (demons, Lilith) without Dean (3.09). He talks about becoming like Dean while Dean worries because Sam isn't acting like himself. Sam reveals a brutality in 3.07 Fresh Blood meant to recall Dean's brutal kill via chop saw in 2.03 Bloodlust. He no longer insists on sparing human's leveraging supernatural power to murder others (3.09).

He isn't looking for normal. He is looking for a way out.

Season 4+

I think you're right on the money on Sam seeing an "after" to hunting for a long time, or needing to see one and getting very self-destructive (and otherwise destructive) if he doesn't. Crucially though, the "after" Sam sees doesn't have to be a "Normal, Apple Pie" life. It just has to be different from the unsustainable pain they're in now. I think the Apple Pie Life is something Sam wants to secure for Dean in season 5 because of the conversation they have in 4.12 "Criss Angel Is A Douchebag"—the conversation that leads Sam straight back to drinking demon blood after quitting in 4.04:

DEAN Man...hope I die before I get old. Whole thing seems brutal, don't it? SAM You think we will? DEAN What? SAM Die before we get old. DEAN Haven't we both already? SAM You know what I mean, Dean. I mean, do you think we'll still be chasing demons when we're 60? DEAN No, I think we'll be dead...for good. What? You want to end up like -- Like Travis? Huh? Or Gordon, maybe? SAM There's Bobby. DEAN Oh, yeah, there's a poster child for growing old gracefully. SAM Maybe we'll be different, Dean.

Sam imagines him and Dean growing old, hunting together. Sam imagines them shifting into a role like Bobby's in their old age (something close to what Sam begins cultivating in the late seasons with the Men of Letters and the bunker and his AU hunters). It's a romanticization—a hopeful look ahead to a future where they aren't drowning in grief at all times even if the struggle never ends. They keep an eye on the world, but they aren't guiltily beholden to it. But then Dean says:

DEAN What kind of Kool-Aid you drinking, man? Sammy, it ends bloody or sad. That's just the life.

Sam hates this. He hates that Dean says this, and he wants to fix it. He wants to change Dean's future—secure his future—both of their futures. He doesn't want to be fighting like they're fighting now when he's old, and he doesn't want to die young. He also doesn't want that for Dean, and he learns Dean (at that time at least) doesn't want to be like Bobby or Rufus when he's old. So he needs to save the world so Dean will grow old. He needs to cut off the head of the snake (kill Lilith) even if Dean doesn't like how he does it:

SAM What if we could win? DEAN "Win"? SAM If there was a way we could just...put an end to all of it. DEAN Is there something going on you're not telling me? SAM No. DEAN Sammy. SAM No. Look, I'm just saying...I just wish there was a way we could...go after the source. That's all. Cut the head off the snake. DEAN Well, the problem with the snake is that it has a thousand heads. Evil bitches just keep piling out of the Volkswagen. SAM Yeah. Guess you're right. <- (Sam, thinking about a call he needs to make to Ruby immediately)

In 4.15, Sam says he and Dean are special—outside the natural order. They have a special place in the world and special duties.

There's 4.17 "It's A Terrible Life" where Sam is thrust into "Supernormal" along with Dean, and very quickly smashes his phone... and at the end, asks Dean become monster hunters with him. There's 5.12 "Swap Meat" where Sam turns his nose up at the teenager who has the exact life Sam used to envy.

SAM I totally lied. That kid's life sucked ass. All that apple-pie, family crap? It's stressful. Trust me – we didn't miss a damn thing. DEAN Or we don't know what we're missing.

That disagreement—that little bit we see where Sam has rejected normal but he knows Dean wants it—Dean wants it so so badly but he doesn't believe he can have it—that's the basis for Sam's demand that Dean go and he live a normal, apple pie life.

In 4.19, after the brothers meet and bond with "Adam". Sam immediately wants to train him up as a hunter. Dean balks—thinking Adam has a chance to escape the life—that he hasn't been dragged in yet and doomed. "He could be a doctor"—he could be someone normal. Sam says all he sees is someone vulnerable, ready to become monster chow. He says John did right by them by teaching them to protect themselves. When Dean talks about Adam's hopeful "normal" future, Sam says, "What makes him so special?"

Dean asks if Sam's jealous—but I don't think that's exactly it. What it is is that Adam is not the only person who gets to be happy. Sam thinks, "We can be happy too! We're cursed, but we aren't doomed!" They won't fix their lives by running from hunting or never being involved in it to begin with, but they aren't doomed. They'll escape everything through hunting—by killing Lilith and destroying hell's plans.

Adam is a Winchester and therefore already cursed. But Sam thinks... the curse of hunting is better. The curse makes you special. The curse is something Sam hates... but he also loves it, and he was never going to be normal. Normal was always the foolish pipe dream of a boy running and hiding. He was never going to be normal. But it still isn't a tragedy, because Sam won't let it be one. Sam will take everything that's happened to them—to him—and make something good out of it (4.04). He will be powerful, and he will build a life out of rubble everyone else (Dean) looked at and said the house was totaled and they're toast. If Dean doesn't want to grow old together taking up Bobby's mantle... well—Sam will prove to him that he can still get out—that Sam can get him out—by crushing Lilith. Then in season 8 by closing the gates of Hell (long post that connects season 8 in here).

Sam gets Dean out at the end of season 5, and even soulless, Sam seeks out family, and he goes to hunting, while leaving Dean in the Apple Pie life Sam secured for him. Temporarily, Sam wins. He proves that Dean can get out and be happy. They repeat similar patterns in season 8 (8.14 and Sam promising to take Dean to the light at the end of the tunnel—again by stopping demons) and once again, Sam tries to prove Dean can be happy—both of them can—only this time, he fails. He begins cultivating the Bobby life for them in season 12 onward, and he thinks it's starting to work... except when it isn't—except when Dean still doesn't believe he can be saved—that he can be happy. Dean attempts suicide after losing Mary and Cas and Crowley. Dean doesn't believe they can beat Michael and he tries to drop himself in the ocean in a coffin and Sam's eyes burn with tears as he punches Dean and demands he believe Sam can save him.

All of this is also why Sam's ending is a tragedy. Sam's ending is a mourning pyre to a dead brother. It is Sam sitting with his greatest failure. It is himself, shoe-horned into the life he thought he could secure for Dean but failed to secure. It is the life Sam no longer wanted, but the only way he knows how to live if Dean is dead. He can't do it without his brother. He periodically goes out to sit in the car and mourn, closing his eyes and thinking of times gone by when Dean was here and Sam was happy—because Sam was a freak... but he wasn't alone. Dean was right there with him all the way.

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