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musical-chick-13 · 2 years

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What OTPs in your fandoms do you just not get? 🖤

Salty ask list.

Most of them, if we're honest.

I mean...okay, there are some that I don't get because they hit tropes I don't like. But if you like those tropes or dynamics or want this specific thing for one of the characters, I'd understand why you'd like that ship. (Like J*ime/Br*enne. Not for me, but I understand the theoretical appeal for people who are not me.)

But there are many where my feelings are, "Even if you like this trope/dynamic, I don't understand what any person could possibly get out of this." The answer to this question is for ships that fall under this category.

(NOTE: THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT I IN ANY WAY JUDGE OR HATE PEOPLE WHO DO LIKE THESE SHIPS. THEY ARE SIMPLY NOT FOR ME. I AM HAPPY FOR YOU IF YOU SEE SOMETHING I DON'T.)

Some of them are probably obvious. Raúl/Sofía from CtrlZ (which I've DEFINITELY already talked about at length), Ch*ck/Bl*ir (HE SOLD HER!! LITERALLY!!!! THERE IS NO COMING BACK FROM THAT!!!!!!!!!!!), R*ylo (if you wanted a "moral conflict from hero/villain tension, DarkShip" kind of thing, the movies didn't deliver on that because they tried to woobify him, but if you wanted fully woobified Kenneth, they didn't bother to make him likeable, so I genuinely personally don't understand how anyone could be in any way satisfied with anything that happened regarding this ship). I was never into T*n/R*se (but that's just because I didn't really care about either of these characters, and also look at what happened to the love of my life Martha as a result of it). I also am not into that era's dr/m.aster pairing for the same reason of "not really caring about the characters." j0ner*s I think had potential, but I felt like the entire development of their relationship was extremely rushed (he was her prisoner for most of it, and they were fighting for like all of season 7 and then suddenly he's like, "Oh you are EVERYTHING to me" and I was like, "dude, how." I was actually excited to see this one play out because of the differences in how they both viewed power and what J's more simple, present-oriented wants were, versus D's broader, more ambitious, future-oriented goals, as well as the fallout of their being related and how that would compare to the way everyone in-universe treated J/C, but then they just...didn't explore...any of that...at all.......)

But I think, honestly the biggest one is probably Th*smin. Like...aside from people just wanting 13 to date a woman, I cannot find any reason why someone would ship this at all. (I will henceforth refer to the "Th" part of the ship as "Th" and the other half as "Y.")

I'm going to put the rest of this under a cut because apparently I have more Things to Say™ about this than I initially thought I did. Also spoilers for the latest episode of the show in question. I won't tag them because if I do it will end up in the show tag, and some shipper will actually kill me for saying this, oh God, this is how I die isn't it, try to get Lea Salonga to sing at my funeral.

Again, this is ONLY MY OPINION, and I harbor no ill will toward anyone who likes this ship, nor do I think they're a bad person or something because that's really stupid.

Like...Oh, God, I'm going to get shot for saying this aren't I. I just don't think...their relationship is...built?? On anything???? I get Y's crush, because yeah, sometimes if you're a Super Cool Smart Wacky Alien Who Intimidates People and Shows People the Wonders of the Universe, someone is going to develop a crush on you. And I think the development of that was set up really well. But the alien in question?? She has NEVER indicated any type of romantic interest in anyone. And all of a sudden it's, "I wish we could be here forever" and "If I were to ever Settle Down™, it'd be with you" (which...girl...you did settle down...twice...once with your wife on Darillium and once watching over The Vault......like..... what..........???). She has never shared anything personal with Y and has never interacted in any way with her that was different to how she interacted with anyone else, up until this last episode. Most of Y's growth has been done apart from her supposed love interest. What is this relationship even based on???? Even people who do ship this in earnest, how could they possibly be happy with what they've gotten???????

I just...I think ultimately the thing that Bugs Me™ is that Y just doesn't...feel like a fully complete character sometimes to me. Everyone in the show keeps talking about how she's "One of the best people" and don't get me wrong, I do like her! But she's nice and competent and gets along with people, and lots of characters on this show are nice and competent and get along with people? I don't understand why she's so Special™. And that wouldn't usually be that much of a problem for me, but that Special™ness is cited as the reason why Th likes her. And then they expect me to believe that this alien lady, who has never been able to open up, discuss her emotions, or handle anything with any degree of maturity, who is practically allergic to emotional honesty, is all of a sudden willing to take the initiative, with pretty much no angst at all, to talk about her romantic relationship with a person she is full-time travelling with and thus would be extra interested in preserving the status quo with? (Presumably because, again. This character is The Most Special™. So things are Different™ in this case.)

And don't even get me started on how she clarified that statement of "one of the best people" with "even my wife." Like if you're just going to try to elevate the New Love Interest to be So Much More Important and Special and Better than the old one, I'd rather you not mention River at all. Yeah, yeah, that's probably not what Chris meant but it sure read that way on paper to me as an audience member.

I just cannot see this erratic, emotionally troubled alien who Struggles To Be Good, who is constantly going through an identity crisis, who is first and foremost a mess ever romantically bonding with someone who isn't also at least a little messy. And that's the thing. Y isn't messy. Not even a little bit. Even when they had an opportunity to introduce mess with the Mental Illness Implied Depression episode, they did nothing with it.

There's...there's not actually anything unlikable about Y at all. And so not only do these two characters seem incompatible to me, I find it very hard to be invested in Y sometimes. (See previous answer about how characters being ideal or hyper-capable will never be resonant or escapist to me.)

And I guess just (haha, getting personal, I'm so sorry I know that absolutely no one signed up for this)...why is it never people like me who get to Fall In Mutual Love With The Wacky Smart Charismatic Space Alien? Why do the people who get the Exciting Love Interests or who are seen as Desirable™ and Special™ always have to be the thin, pretty, "normal" ones under 35 who don't ever fuck up? Why do the messy characters or characters with emotional/personal issues of who have to take awhile to figure shit out never get to be happy or fall in love (if they even get written at all)? Even if a character with mental illness does get to have any of that, it's always in one context: the symptoms are crying prettily and it's not shown affecting their life in any significant way after the piece of media establishes that they have it. (Which uh, surprise surprise, is what happened here.) It's like, "Oh, mentally ill people can have Love and Happiness and Respect and Cool Story Things, but only if they come as close to resembling a neurotypical person as possible." You can't exhibit any of the ugly parts of mental illness (or really of just...being a human, really, it doesn't even have to be if you're mentally ill), because otherwise you're Not Worthy of [insert whatever happy ending trope here]. Everything women have to do to be Worthy of Love has to be Soft and Pretty and Personable and Universally Likable, and I've just seen that story too many times for it to interest me in any way anymore.

Like...Idk. There's nothing here of substance to me, and it also happens to hit basically every single trope that annoys me, so I'm just -_-

#this got kind of unhinged at the end I'm sorry #people are probably going to unfollow me for this but you know what I needed to get it out #I'M SORRY PLEASE DON'T KILL ME *cowers in corner*#anti thasmin #dw negativity #anti chibnall #(I mean like...not really?? this is just to be safe in case people have any of these tags blocked)#(I know this will end up in the ship tag but I do know people who follow me that ship this and I don't know how else to make this post #avoidable for them)#multi t(ASK)ing #also: no this pairing being canon or someone liking it is not ableism that's not what I'm saying so don't even start #god I'm so glad I turned anon off and limited replies

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ms-rampage · 3 years

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Eden’s Gate: Aftermath Chapter 7 - Now That The World Is Ending

Warnings: Cuteness, Gabriel holding baby/toddler Daenerys

Word count: 2.4k

Summary: In the final chapter of Aftermath, as the bombs drop down to Earth above their heads. The Winchesters have a surprise guest living with them.

Guest OCs: Just the usuals.

Guest Characters: Archangel Gabriel [Supernatural], John Seed [mentioned]

Note: Next is NEW DAWN: NEW HORIZONS. Taking place 15-17 years later in the year 2035. THANK YOU FOR READING MY CRAP!!!!

Far Cry New Dawn x Supernatural [crossover with OCs]

********

“Gabriel?!?” Kate mutters in confusion, and also in surprise. He looks up at the two sisters, with a soft smile on his face and weakly mutters “Surprise to see me?”. That question was directed towards Kate, and she smiles back in return.

Surprised and also happy to see her Archangel.

“How did you g-” Paige asks, before stopping herself when she realizes it was a stupid question, “That was a stupid question”.

They help him up, and take him to the main room. Sitting him down on the living room couch.

“Gabriel?!?” Mandy mutters as she walks into the room. In shock and surprised to see the wounded celestial, bleeding a little through his shirt.

Paige leaves her mom, sister and the Archangel by themselves to go get Kenny and the others. Mandy then stands up, and goes to grab a first aid kit, or something that can heal an Archangel. Leaving Kate and Gabriel alone. She takes a seat in front of him. They look at each other for a few seconds.

“What happened?!” she asks, opening his shirt, and cleaning his wound on his stomach.

He shrugs, and softly groans in pain “I’ve sorta lost my powers”.

She furrows her eyebrows at him, “Sorta?!?”.

He sighs, “I’ve lost some of my powers when I was cast out”.

She looks at him, confused, “Cast out?. What do you mean cast out?”

He looks at her, “I’m sure you saw the giant mushroom cloud in the sky”. She nods, “Yeah, we all saw it”.

He shifts in his spot on the couch, “Did you see what else appeared in the sky shortly after?".

Shaking her head, “No, we all ran down here. What else happened?”.

He looks her in the eyes, and says in the most dramatic way possible, “All Angels were cast out of Heaven”.

Her eyes widened, “What?!?. All of them? Everyone?". He nods his head slowly, she stands up from her spot, and paces. Worried about her boyfriend, her friends and everyone she got to know in Hope County. Playing with the bracelet Wheaty gave her. Her thoughts are interrupted by the wounded Archangel on the couch in front of her.

“A boyfriend huh?” he asks, chuckling and looking up at her.

She looks at him confused, “What?!?”.

“You got a boyfriend?" he asks, "Or had one".

She tries to hold back her tears, biting her lip “Not helpful Gabe” she mutters softly. Standing there in front of him, her hands resting on her cheeks, looking at the floor. Her anxiety builds up, and her hands become shaky.

Gabriel stares at her stomach, just something about it looks different to him. It looks slightly bigger, like she put on some weight. He can’t seem to put his finger on it, but whatever it is he can feel some strange essence, or some sort of energy coming from it, coming from her body. She has a slight glow on her face, but it could be sweat.

Kate notices him staring at her stomach. “Why are you staring at my stomach?!?” she asks, glaring over at him. Breaking his focus on her slightly bigger stomach.

He looks up at her, anticipating for her to slap him for asking the question, “Don't hit me for asking this but, did you gain weight??”.

She scoffs at him, rolling her eyes, and crosses her arms. Taking a few steps away from him, “You never ask those types of questions to a human Gabe”.

He tilts his head, curiosity getting the best of him, and motions her to come towards him, “Come towards me”. She heeds, and walks towards him, standing in arms reach. He places his hand on her 7 and a half week baby bump, and feels why his curiosity is concerned about her belly.

His eyes widened, he looks up at her with his eyebrows raised “You’re pregnant?!”.

Feeling somewhat hurt that his special human is pregnant with another man's child.

For a moment she forgets that she’s carrying another tiny human being inside her, she nods her head, “Yeah. I am”.

"And it's not mine?!" he jokes, totally not hurt that his human is pregnant. Moving his hand away.

She scoffs again, "We both know the outcome for that". Taking a seat next to him.

"You were there, you knew I'm pregnant" she tells him. He looks at her confused.

"I was where??" he asks, very confused. She looks at him in disbelief, thinking this Trickster is messing with her. "In my hallucination trip. A few months ago" she tells him.

He looks at her like he has no idea what she's talking about. Shrugging, "What are you talking about??".

She shakes her head, "It's nothing. Forget it". She drops the hold thing, she knows what she saw in her bliss hallucination a few months ago.

A few moments later, Paige walks back into the living room with Kenneth, Cody, Martin, Mark, Nate and Adrian.

"Gabriel?!?" the 6 men say in unison.

The Archangel chuckles, "Did you all rehearse that?!".

He catches them all up on what was happening in the world. Angels, all of them were all cast out of Heaven, God tried to wipe out all of humanity with a nuclear explosion. The Collapse. The Reckoning. The Apocalypse. The End. The whole world is up in flames. Literally. Heaven is shut down with no one but God up in cloud city.

*****

May 2019. 7 months later

It’s been 7 months since the bombs were dropped. After several hours the bombs stopped falling, and you'd think everything would be safe to go back out. Nope, knowing that you're gonna have to live underground in a bunker with 20 other people for the next 6 and a half years. After 2 and a half months the world has now ended but it's only just begun.

No other bombs, or explosions have been dropped by The Man upstairs. The World was going through the route of regrowing, and being reborned. Starting over again.

On May 2nd, Kate gave birth to a healthy baby girl. A few weeks earlier on April 16th, Paige had a C-section giving birth to triplets, 2 boys and 1 girl with the help of Cody, his wife and Adrian’s wife Amanda delivered all 4 of them. Having all the right equipment in the bunker infirmary, stored away.

Jeffrey Dean Winchester-Smith named after her cousin, Dean. Weighing 7 pounds, and 5 ounces.

Thomas Sam Winchester-Smith also named after her cousin, Sam. Weighing 7 pounds, and 5 ounces.

Bianca Rhea Winchester-Smith because she's always liked the name Bianca. Weighing 7 pounds, and 4 ounces.

Daenerys Arya Brienne Winchester named after Daenerys Targaryen, Arya Stark and Brienne of Tarth all female characters from Game of Thrones. Being the smallest of the 4 infants, weighing 6 pounds, and 5 ounces.

Cristina is over a year old. 1 year, and 6 months old. She is now walking, she has almost all of her teeth, and can say 7 to 10 words. She is able to comprehend language, and know from right from wrong. From good from bad.

The triplets are a little over a month old now, Daenerys is 2 in a half weeks old.

During her pregnancy, Gabriel was very protective of Kate, even though they were all living underground in a huge bunker, and couldn't leave for another 6 in a half years.

Cradling her 20 day old daughter in her arms, Kate feeds her a bottle of formula. Gabriel was very cautious around her, afraid that he'll somehow hurt the tiny infant. Even though he has very little to no powers left in him.

He tried to keep a safe distance from her, Kate constantly reminded him that he didn’t need to worry about hurting the infant. That he and Daenerys will be fine. He is very fond of humans, of course, unlike most celestial beings. That was his one fear, hurting her.

"You wanna hold her?!" she asks him. He looks up at her, stammering. "Uhh, do-do you want me to?".

She smiles at him, "It's fine with me" she responds. She hands him the tiny infant. He holds her, cradling her and she starts to fuss in his arms. Making her typical baby sounds.

He groans uncomfortably, holding her away from him, stammering “Uhhh w-what is happening?!?”.

“She’s fine” she reassures him, fixing her baby blanket, “It’s a normal infant reaction”.

She starts to calm down, yawning and falling asleep in Gabriel’s arms with her finger in her mouth.

“What’s happening?!?” he nervously asks, “Is she dead?!?”.

She looks at him, chuckling, “She’s not dead. She’s asleep”. She takes the infant from his arms and puts her in her old bassinet.

Paige comes in holding one of her triplets. “Hey” she says, looking down at the one month old infant in her arms.

“Hey” Kate responds, “Which triplet is that?”.

She groans unsurely, and checks the diaper, “Thomas, and/or Jeffrey”.

“It’s Thomas!” Kenneth calls out from the next room over, “You’re holding Thomas!”.

She points in the direction where her husband's voice came from “The 2nd one. Thomas Sam”.

“How’s the scar?” she asks, referring to her C-section scar.

She groans uncomfortably, “It’s healing. Slowly, but it’s healing”.

*****

Later that night, Everyone is in their own bunker rooms. Kate is in hers, changing Daenerys into her night onesie.

Talking to the infant in a soft voice. Gabriel, who is a few rooms over, can hear Kate and the tiny human with the very little powers he has. Leaning against the headboard of his bed, listening to her conversation.

He knows he’s Kate’s Guardian Angel, he saved her several times, he gripped her tight, and raised her from perdition when she was a somewhat innocent teenager. He’s her soulmate as well. He has had these feelings for her since forever. He knows she would be better off with her boyfriend before God dropped the bombs on humanity, but he’s most likely dead. John? He’s dead as well, and he knows damn well that Daenerys is his kid. He knows Kate is ashamed that she’s his kid, regardless she loves her.

He couldn't possibly imagine how Daenerys would've turned out if John Seed had lived. How he would've treated Kate, how that demented, psycho family would've treated a pregnant Kate. A premarital baby. How that sadist psychopath would somehow ruin Kate and their baby.

He gets up, and goes to her room. Walks down the hall and knocks on the door.

“Yeah?” she responds her voice muffled from behind the closed door. He opens the door and steps inside her bedroom.

“Hey” he sighs, “How she doin’?”.

“She’s doing great” she answers, taking a seat on her bed. Gabriel takes the leap of faith, not holding back.

“I just wanted to get us over with” he tells her. Kate looks at him confused, “What are you talking about?!?”.

He lays down on her bed, laying on his side with his hand prompt up against his cheek. Looking up at her.

He lifts up his free hand from behind him, and holds a diamond ring between his index and middle fingers. Her eyes light up, and gasps softly.

“You already know where I’m going with this” he chuckles, “Will you marry me? Blah, blah, blah. I love you. Blah, blah, blah. You could do so much more better than that idiot Yes man John Seed”.

She laughs softly at his comments, “So. In all seriousness” he continues, “Will you marry me?”.

She looks at him, “You already know the answer” she whispers to him before passionately kissing him on the lips.

Katella Evyanna Winchester is set to marry an Archangel. Archangel Gabriel. She always thought of herself as the human he had to protect. That’s all she thought she was to him. His human.

*****

A few years later, November 2022, the children are all 3 years old, Cristina turned 5 years old that same month.

Daenerys, the youngest of all the children, wakes up at 6:00am, which is unusual for a child at her age to get up at, and feel energetic.

Her and the other 4 Winchester children share the same bedroom, across the hall from their parents rooms. She stumbles to Kate and Gabriel’s room, pushes the door open and climbs onto their bed.

“Mommy! Daddy!” she says loudly, waking them up.

Kate groans, as her daughter steps on her with her tiny feet. She sits on Gabriel’s chest and playfully slaps his cheeks. Waking him up.

“What?” he asks, half asleep. She giggles softly, “Wakey wakey”. He chuckles softly, slowly sitting up.

He looks over at the clock, “It’s 6 in the morning, how are you so energetic?!” he asks the 3 year old child.

She lets out a playful giggle, and jumps up and down on their bed.

She looks up at the child bouncing on the bed, having the same exact eyes as John. Those baby blue eyes that she got from him, a reminder that this little bundle of joy and happiness is also John Seed's daughter.

He gets up out of bed and carries the 3 year old child down the bunker hallway towards the kitchen.

Despite him being an Archangel with very little of his powers. He manages to get 3-6 hours of sleep, and eat solid foods. Not wanting to use his very little powers in fear that he’ll hurt any of the children living in the bunker, he manages to get by without using them, he knows the world above them is going through some change, a huge massive change that'll change everyone's lives.

But finally being able to marry the human he fell in love with, and fathering her child, he was more than happy to be a part of their lives.

Paige and Kenneth walk into the kitchen shortly after, her holding Jeffrey and Thomas in each of her arms. Kenneth holding Bianca, and Cristina following behind him.

"Here you go" Paige mutters, sitting the two toddlers in their seats at the kitchdn table. Everyone else wakes up half an hour later. Adrian, and his wife Amanda. Mark, his wife Dana and 2 kids. Nate, his wife Ellen and 3 kids, Martin and his fiancée Megan, Cody and his wife Brandy. Mandy, Barbara, Kenneth, Gabriel, Paige, Kate and their kids.

One bunker with 20+ people, and 1 Archangel living in it. 16 adults, and 10 kids. Having to spend another 2-4 years underground while the Earth regrows, and the radiation goes away. Its only a matter of time, and they can go back to their normal lives, or at least they think its their normal lives.

Hopefully, a new hope. A New Dawn. New Horizons will come their way.

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miserelysia · 4 years

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“I Watched the Artemis Fowl Movie and It Made Me Very Upset” Liveblog!

So I decided I had to subject myself to this movie despite being Extremely Aware that it’s a massive pile of firey garbage. It was about as painful as expected, so I liveblogged to keep my sanity. Here’s basically what happened in my head while I was watching:

Josh Diggums: I feel so bad for Josh Gad's voice because it's painfully obvious they just didn't want Olaf showing up so they forced him into some terrible Bale-Batman voice that keeps cracking

why is this movie taking itself so seriously

Book Artemis: eternally unathletic dweeb

Movie Artemis: SURFING MASTER

the fuck, Branagh

THIS VOICE IS SO DAMN BAD, JOSH PLEASE STOP TALKING

okay Artemis is appropriately a little shit for EXACTLY ONE SCENE

FUCK OFF WITH FRIDGING THE MOM, BRANAGH

"ur mom's dead and ur dad's gone so ur a little shit" WHAT A GREAT COUNSELOR

fuck's sake

Book Artemis: immediately falls off whatever this hover thing is

COLIN FARRELL. SEXY MAN.

I ALMOST FORGIVE THEM FOR BRINGING HIM BACK EARLY

AND..... KNOWING ABOUT MAGIC

SDJFKSDF

WHATEVER

I WAS PREPARED FOR THIS

this voice is still terrible, Josh. I'm sorry

this kid is a pretty good actor

"all i really want is to believe in you" that was actually well-delivered

"Arty"

OKAY IT'S NOT ACCORDING TO THE BOOK BUT FUCK ME THEIR RELATIONSHIP IS WELL DONE

i desperately need Butler to show up soon tho

I SPOKE TOO SOON

"DOMOVOI" ??!!?? YOU FUCKS

why

are his eyes

fucking ELECTRIC BLUE

HIS LITERAL FUKDFSUCING NAME IN THE BOOKS IS 'BUTLER' IT'S PART OF BEING AN INSANELY GOOD SECRET AGENT GUARDIAN HE'S NOT AN ACTUFL FUCKING BUTLER AND LITERALLY NO ONE EVER CALLS HIM "THE BUTLER" BUT HIS NAME IS BUTLER BECAUSE HIS REAL NAME IS SECRET HE'S FUCKING SECURITY FUCKING DID YOU READ THIS FUCKING BOOK SERIES AT ALL BRANAGH OR DID YOU JUSTDSJFKLDSHFSD:LFSEFAGH

i'm sorry

Butler is my absolute favorite character of the entire damn series and they fucking

can't even get OOOONNNNNEEEEEEEEE CHARACTER CORRECT

SCREAMS

did they think calling him "Butler" would be weird because they cast a black guy?????

AGAIN WHY WITH THE FUCKING ELECTRIC BLUE CONTACTS THEY'RE SO OBVIOUSLY FAKE IT LOOKS SO BAD. IF YOU MAKE THE DECISION TO CAST AN AFRICAN AMERICAN MAN JUST FUCKING OWN THAT HE HAS DARK EYES DON'T DO THIS

THE "OWL STAR"???? REALLY???? WHY NOT FOWL STAR

WHY

NOT

IT'S JUST SUCH AN ARBITRARY DUMBASS CHANGE IT MAKES NO SENSE

PLEASE DID I JUST MISUNDERSTAND THE REPORTER MAN

DID THE CAPTIONS JUST MISUNDERSTAND HIM?????

NOPE IT'S LITERALLY THE O W L S T A R

fuck off

i'm sorry

stuff like that just bothers me a lot

it makes ABSOLUTELY no sense to change it

Fowl Star made sense bECAUSE IT'S OWNED BY ARTEMIS FOWL

artemis has a lot more emotions than i remember him having

i will not forgive them for destroying the Butler/Artemis relationship in favor of a Dad they fucking fridge in the first half hour of the movie

oh boy nursery rhymes as codes

GROUNDBREAKING

i think the fairies would have something to say about you hiding their own shit from them, MISTER SENIOR

it's still a bad voice, Josh, I'm so sorry

okay Haven is pretty nice

"Haven" not "Haven City"

pretty sure

holly being a 13 year old girl is disconcerting

that was mentioned in a review

they're supposed to be Child-Sized not ACTUAL CHILDREN

also "small person = higher pitched voice" is such a stupid trope please stop

i like the Being diversity around the city

like lots of different types of humanoids

josh desperately wants to do the Olaf voice

i'm so sorry Josh

okay aside from the shit voice Diggums is pretty good

lol Cudgeon's already in jail

okay then

i know this is Opal Koboi

meh

i hate her in the books so they can fuck her up all they want

judi dench is batman too i guess

how many cigs you smoke judi root

OH BOY HOLLY HAS MISSING DADDY ISSUES TOO

fucking shit

"you're 84" and you look like a fUCKING THIRTEEN YEAR OLD

such bad choices

every time they say "Domovoi" i--

HISDFHSDHFH

JULIET

SHE'S

HIS

FUCKING

NIECE?????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????

SDFJLS:DKF FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK YYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

FUCK YOU

FUCK

FUCK YOU KENNETH BRANAGH

SHE'S

HIS

FUCKING

SISTER

HIS BABY SISTER HE LOVES AND CARES FOR EVEN MORE THAN ARTEMIS AND THAT'S A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT RELATIONSHIP THAN UNCLE AND NIECE

HOW COULD YOU LITERALLY DESTROY EVERYTHING ABOUT BUTLER AND STILL SLEEP AT NIGHT

eoin colfer i hope you made so much money off of this SHITSTACK

(genuinely tho that's literally the only consolation; now he can write more Good Books)

Juliet is cute but i know about all she does is make sandwiches

so fuck this

judi dench is Good

foaly is Okay

why's he wearing clothes tho

the chutes are a lot more... open than expected

BEECHWOOD SHORT THE TRAITOR

FUCK OFF

WHY IS HOLLY’S CHARACTER DEFINED BY HER FUCKING FATHER

THIS IS SO MUCH WORSE AN OUTCOME THAN I EVEN EXPECTED GIVEN THEY EVISCERATED HER CHARACTER'S DRIVE BY MAKING THE L.E.P. ALREADY HAVE FEMALE OFFICERS AND COMMANDERS

"get out cudgeon before i throw you out" okay they got Root completely right at least

aside from making him a her

but that's okay

because it's Judi Dench

awwwww happy flying scene bUT HOLLY YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE SHIELDED GOt DAMN

“any update?” "yes. i'm freezing" amazing, Butler

i mean dOmOvOi

HOLLY YOU'RE STILL NOT SHIELDED

CGI isn't too bad in this but honestly that's not impressive anymore

awwwww cute wedding scene

troll is about as ugly as possible

LOL JUST FUCKING THROW TIME FREEZE UP LIKE IT'S NOTHING

OKAY

LOL HOLLY GO DEAL WITH THE TROLL DON'T FOCUS ON ONE SMALL CHILD

THAT'S NOT HOW A TIME FREEZE WORKS

i mean it's COOL

i love the little Men in Green zipping around

but it doesn't make ANY sense

LOL SO WHY DO THE PEOPLE THINK THE PLACE IS TRASHED

lol gently floating troll

Hollyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Judi Root continues to be amazing

ok tbf Opal Koboi would be after the Aculos if it existed

OP MacGuffin plots are so tired tho like really Branagh

i love the wings on her suit

ARTEMIS WHEN DID YOU GET TO THE TREE

holly ur a bad 84-year-old officer

LOL CUDGEON IS RIGHT ON

AND JUDI ROOT CONTINUES TO BE

"Not Happy!" lol wat

who wrote that bit of dialogue and said "yes this a perfectly good thing to have her say when she wakes up in a cage"

"mesmerism"

boy i love these exposition dump convos between Mr. Sr. and Arty

LOL "most human beings are afraid of gluten, how do you think they'd handle goblins" is a great line

out of touch, but still funny

...why does the time freeze take forever to generate now when you did it in TWO SECONDS BEFORE

calm down holly damn

foaly's very pretty

sO DID THEY FREEZE THE *ENTIRE WORLD*????????

I THOUGHT THE POINT WAS TO FREEZE THINGS INSIDE SO YOU HAVE MOONLIGHT LONGER

AND

whatever

i love this fucking ARMY coming out of literally everywhere

"TOP OF THE MORNIN'" OH MY FUCKING GOODNESS

whole movie is worth it

for that line

i love that they're entirely in green

and no one ever Shields

ever

they mentioned Shields once but NO ONE IS SHIELDED

BUTLER WOULD NEVER LET ARTEMIS INTO A FIGHT

SCREAMS

"TAKE THE SHOT"

WHY IS THE TIME FREEZE SO EASILY DESTABILIZED

FOALY

ARE YOU TELLING ME NO ONE HAS EVER SHOT YOUR FUCKING ENORMOUS DEVICE

omg no U GAVE OPAL KOBOI LEGITIMATE REASONS FOR DOING WHAT SHE'S DOING

YOU GAVE HER A SAD FRUSTRATING BACKSTORY

SHE'S SUPPOSED TO BE AN ARROGANT SELF-SERVING BITCH AND NOTHING ELSE

TWENTY SEVEN MINUTES??????

hOW DID ARTEMIS KNOW ABOUT MULCH DIGGUMS SPECIFICALLY

lol that is 100% a completely inhumane prison what the fuck, fairies

why does Holly have human music

well i'm glad we didn't have to watch mulch almost eat a dude's head

"My father was kidnapped."

"My father is dead."

"Can I trust you?"

"You'll have to."

BUT WHY

WHAT IS THIS DIALOGUE

WHAT IS THIS CHARACTER PROGRESSION

THERE's NO REASON TO TRUST HER

OR TO NEED TO TRUST HER

THIS IS COMPLETELY UNEARNED AND STUPID

glad holly's entire character REVOLVES AROUND A MAN NOW, BRANAGH

LOL THEY JUST DIDN'T GIVE ROOT A FIRST NAME???

JUDI ROOT CONFIRMED

"listen to us, grunting at each other like a pair of hippos with a throat infection" LMAO

i hope that was Josh Gad improv

LOL HE JUST FUCKING DESTROYS EVERYTHING IN HIS WAY WHILE TUNNELING

YOU DIDN'T EVEN REALLY TUNNEL IN, MULCH

HOW DID YOU COME OUT OF A PAINTING

DO THEY HAVE PAINTINGS IN A BASEMENT???

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE SHEETROCK OR WHATEVER

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN SO EASY TO JUST

UGH

FOLLOW THE BOOK

COME ON

MULCH YOU ARE THE WORST BURGLAR

"what would your parents be" THEY'D BE CENTAURS MULCH

is... is Mulch on the second floor

HE TUNNELED THROUGH THE WALL ONTO THE SECOND FLOOR

artemis... just.. lets holly out

ok cool

LOL HIS NOSE HAIRS GROW AND MOVE LIKE TENTACLES

stupid and... funny? i guess

at least Cudgeon is the piece of shit he is in the book lol

oh boy troll time

BUTER WOULD NEVER LET MULCH DIGGUMS PICKPOCKET HIM

"jam all magic" OMFG THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE

BUTLER WOULD NEVER LET ARTEMIS FACE DOWN A FUCKING TROLL

LOL THEY JUST FIRE THE TROLL LIKE A BULLET

A TROLL-ET

DOMOVOI YOU ARE COMPLETELY USELESS WHAT THE FUCK

i wonder if kids even like this movie

omg butler couldn't even jump

i don't understand

he literally DOESN'T HELP AT ALL

IT'S HIS WHOLE THING

IS BEING ABLE TO KICK ASS

FUCKING COME ON BRANAGH

yeah fuck you branagh

are... are the fairies just DYING TO THE TIME FREEZE COLLAPSE???

"goodbye my friend. i'm sorry i was FUCKING USELESS"

branagh you're trying to activate my feelings with this Sad Death Scene(TM) but i am IMPERVIOUS because artemis has had NO RELATIONSHIP WHATSOEVER WITH THIS """DOMOVOI"""

COOL HE'S BACK NOW I’M SO GLAD ACTUAL FULL ON DEATH HAS ZERO CONSEQUENCES NOW THANKS TO OP FAIRY MAGIC

WHAT GREAT WRITING THIS IS

"i didn't cry did i" FUCK OFF

WHY IS IT SO DANGEROUS WHEN THE TIME FREEZE ENDS

WHY IS YOUR TECH SO SHITTY, FOALY

TIME FREEZES AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE DANGEROUS TO THE OCCUPANTS

THAT GOES AGAINST ALL OF FAIRY RULES

...okay and then it just ends..........?

Domovoi: "you have to try!"

Artemis: "i can't, tho"

Domovoi: "it's too dangerous!"

WHAT IS THIS DIALOGUE

WHO WROTE THIS ABSOLUTE DRIVEL

"the aculos for my father"

THE L.E.P. DOESN'T EVEN HAVE YOUR FATHER YOU ABSOLUTE DOOF

holly how do u know how to do this

the... the aculos is just the fucking Book?

i feel slapped in the face

she just recites the words and. and.

whatever

i'm done

GO FIND YOUR DAD WHO'S MAGICALLY BACK

WHY WOULD HE BE IN THE BED ARTEMIS

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE A GENIUS

this girl who plays Holly cannot act

i'm sorry girl

MAGICALLY BACK DAD

HOORAY HOLLY'S CHARACTER CONTINUES TO BE DEFINED BY HER FATHER

FUCK

YOU

WRITERS

AND BRANAGH

BUTLER WOULD NEVER CRY, DOMOVOI

i like the cool earpiece they gave Judi Root to maybe? disguise her hearing aid?

Haven does look pretty cool

too much water above tho it’s not Atlantis guys come on

"i'm a criminal mastermind" LITERALLY WHEN DID YOU SHOW ANY SORT OF MASTERMIND BEHAVIOR OR CRIMINAL BEHAVIOR

BESIDES BRIEFLY KIDNAPPING HOLLY AND THEN IMMEDIATELY LETTING HER OUT

LMAO THAT LAST SHOT OF JULIET JUST LOOKING EXCITEDLY OUT OF THE WINDOW AT THE HELICOPTER WHILE EVERYONE LEAVES HER BEHIND

WHAT'S THE POINT OF THAT EVEN

THIS POOR GIRL YOU’RE JUST LEAVING HER ALONE

WOW THIS PRISON/INTERROGATION PLACE HAS LIKE

NO SECURITY

HI HOLLY WHY ARE YOU HERE??????

THIS WHOLE ENDING IS JUST THE STUPID CAP ON TOP OF A STUPID SUNDAE

i need to go listen to the books again now

#artemis fowl #artemis fowl movie #liveblog #spoilers #flaming hot garbage #disney seriously who the FUCK did you make this movie for #cause it sure wasn't the fans

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valmerappreciationhours · 4 years

Text

Room 313

Clenny Week Day 4--omg they were roommates

(read on ao3 here)

Clyde Donovan has been looking forward to meeting his college roommate for months. Unfortunately for him, Kenny McCormick isn't quite what he was expecting.

“You smell that? That’s the smell of new beginnings, my compatriots.”

“Bold to say for s-someone who peaked in hh—hu—high school.”

“Smells like manure and sweat.”

Clyde stopped in his trek to turn and glare at his companions, varsity jacket-clad arms crossed. His height certainly wasn’t accomplishing any wonders in terms of intimidation. “You’re just grumpy since your boyfriend didn’t come with us.”

Craig’s mouth remained set in a straight line, but a small crease formed between his brows. “I’m simply stating facts. And you didn’t say anything about Jimmy’s comment.”

“Jimmy’s comment was funny.”

“I aim to please.”

As the group continued their teasing, a cold autumn breeze picked up, whisking a few leaves past the party. The spare bits of concrete that were visible under throngs of students were littered with empty chip bags and discarded cigarettes. Booths advertising various clubs and events were scattered throughout the square, with a couple of plain buildings filling the space beyond. The clatter of voices and the rustling of bodies generated a cacophony that was a chore to speak over, but the three had plenty of practice.

“Who has the map? I’m r-ready to get out of this.” Jimmy had cut over to an empty area by a trash can and quickly readjusted his crutches.

“I second that.” Craig swiftly unfolded the campus map from his jacket pocket. “We’re going to my residence hall first. Token’s waiting with Stripe in the car and I need to get her set up.”

“Aw, Craig!” Clyde whined but sped up to keep up with the long strides. “You mean they’re not close?”

“Did you not look at any of your papers?”

The silence from Clyde was deafening.

Jimmy laughed. “Nice to know Clyde’s still the same old guy ev-even at a b-b-bi- a big university.” It was not a big university. It may quality as big by some standards, or a university by others, but the community college was far from any Ivy League school. The minimal requirements and low fees were what made the school attractive more than anything else.

“But I’ll be so quick! I just wanna meet my roommate and then I’ll be right back to help set up! I’ve been waiting forever for this.” Clyde’s excitement and fierce determination sparkled in his brown eyes, and Craig sighed.

“Do you need the map?”

“He needs the map,” Jimmy confirmed.

Clyde raced across campus, dodging other new students and luggage. His backpack thumped uncomfortably against his back, but it was no match for the exhilaration of discovering who he was going to be rooming with. Hopefully someone cool who also loved football and parties! Maybe even a science nerd like Craig, who would be down with making miniature explosions in their dorm. Clyde nearly toppled two boys hefting a crate, and made hasty apology as he scrambled up the stairs. Third floor, room 310, 311, 312, yes, 313! The door was cracked, and Clyde thrust it open to finally reveal…

An empty room.

Wait, no, there was a ratty brown backpack on the floor. Clyde glanced around, searching for something, anything more. He couldn’t have run here just to beat seeing his roommate.

The bunkbeds lacked any personal items, there were no posters, no pets. The beige walls and gray rug stared back, empty and unyielding. The desk, aside from coffee stains and indentations, bore no mark of human life. Clyde stood for a moment more, hoping for something before he left to go help his friends set up.

His saving grace was an incomprehensible muffle from behind him.

Clyde whipped around fast enough to produce a neck injury, and was met with an individual ingulfed by an orange coat covered in patches. His jeans were completely torn at the knees, showing off scrapes and bruises underneath. His shoes were unidentifiable simply by the sheer amount of duct tape holding them together. He stared, and the other stared back, blue eyes unblinking. Eventually the muffle sounded again, but now that Clyde was paying attention it sounded much more like “do you live here?”

“Yeah, I live here.” Clyde flashed a smile, leaning against the doorframe. A surefire way to make a good impression, and if this orange blob was his roommate, he wanted to look like the coolest dude on the face of the Earth.

The boy under the coat stuck out a hand, showing off fingerless gloves. Clyde took it, wondering if the gloves were a sign his roommate was chill or if he was a former homeless person. At any rate, his hands were clammy anyway.

“Kenneth McCormick,” he introduced through a thick layer of fabric. “You want top or bottom?”

Clyde let his hand keep shaking, but his cheeks reddened. “Clyde Donovan, and, uh, that’s pretty straightforward.”

Kenneth put his hands back in the pockets of the orange monstrosity. “Well, we gotta figure it out before bed.”

Oh, geez, that was straightforward! “Hey, man, you seem alright and all, and I’m sure you’re attractive under that hood, but…”

One could practically see the pieces fit their way together in Kenneth’s mind, and his eyebrows shot up. He took a hand and pointed behind Clyde, who turned to see the bunk beds. Well, what did that have to do with---ohh. Oh.

Clyde turned back in horror, cheeks surely flaming. His roommate’s eyes crinkled at the corners, alive with mirth. “Uh, why don’t you have first pick? My treat.” He quickly started moving around to the exit. “I actually gotta go help my friend set up, so, I’ll see you later, I guess.” Once out, Clyde forced a casual stroll down the hall until he couldn’t see his room anymore, then bolted.

He was going to run to Craig’s room, and he was not going to cry all over his friends because he totally bombed his first impression. Jimmy would tell a joke and make everything better, and somehow Token would provide a solution that would make perfect sense and Clyde would wonder how he hadn’t thought of it. Yeah, it would work out. Just the thought of his friends lessened the burn in his face. It would probably be brushed off and forgotten by the time he returned.

Kenneth McCormick had not forgotten. Clyde was sure of this when he headed back to the room, backpack and bags in tow, and his roommate leaned down from the top bunk. Instantly, those blue eyes crinkled. “I chose top,” he said through the coat, and Clyde wanted to scream.

“I’m doomed,” Clyde said into his mug.

“You’re doomed,” Craig agreed, not batting an eye.

“What is it this time?” Token didn’t look up from his place on the tablet screen. He may be miles away at a fancy university, but he wasn’t getting out of Those Guys hangouts that easily.

Clyde laid his head on the wood grain of the coffee shop table. “My roommate.”

“Shame.” Craig blew on the steam billowing off his mug. “My roommate is the coolest person in the world.”

“I don’t m-mmm-mind my roommate either,” Jimmy added. “What’s the issue with yu-yours?”

“The worst first impression in the world,” Clyde groaned, wallowing in misery. “And he’s never there so now the only thing he thinks of me is that I think about gay sex.”

“So, he’s p-pretty much got it.”

Craig snorted into his tea and even Token howled with laughter through the speaker, Jimmy beaming with pride. Clyde huffed, and Jimmy reached out to poke his cheek.

“Hey, it’s n-n-not a big deal. Do you really wanna be bent on the op-o-opinn-opinion of someone whose name is Kenneth? Th-that’s a nerd name, Clyde.”

That was it. The gamechanger. Clyde’s head snapped up. “You’re right! That is a nerd name!” Finally, it felt like things were starting to come together again, when Clyde’s face fell. “Oh no. I already gave him a nickname.” There went that sacred sliver of hope.

“I thought you didn’t talk to him,” Token pointed out.

Clyde leaned onto his hand. “I said he’s never there. We’ve talked and stuff.”

“H-how cool was the nickname, th-though?”

“I just shortened it to Kenny! I thought, hey, I don’t wanna be saying this long fancy name all the time!”

“You gave him a nickname!” a new voice yelped, causing three of the four boys to jolt. “Oh god, you’re in it now, Clyde!” Tweek hovered above the table, a full coffee pot in one hand, a navy-blue teapot in the other. Despite the shouting and nervous energy radiating off of him, not a drop of liquid found its way onto the table or anyone’s clothes. After years, Tweek was bound to become an expert on handling drinks simultaneous to freaking out.

On the screen, Token bowed his head solemnly. “The Tweek has spoken. You can’t come back from this.” Craig nodded as Tweek refilled the cups around the table.

“C-come on, guys!" Jimmy tried, ever an optimist. “Clyde may have st-st-started out on his dumber foot—”

“I’m gonna let you continue since you’re defending me.”

“—b-but he can ssstill pull through!” Jimmy reached out to grab Clyde’s round cheeks. “Who could say no to this ch-charming face!”

“Gah!”

“Anyone with sense.”

“Literally everyone I can think of.”

“Hm.” Jimmy pulled his hands back and poured more sugar into his mug. “I’ve worked with w-worse audiences.”

“So, you still have faith in me?” Clyde looked to his friend, brown eyes large and vulnerable. He was a drowning voyager, fighting for his life in the open sea, and Jimmy, his good friend Jimmy, was right there with a lifeboat.

Jimmy averted his eyes and loudly sipped his coffee. Fake-Clyde was left to die in the cold water.

The next time Clyde truly interacted with his roommate, it was just past two in the morning on a Saturday. The unlocking of the door roused him from a light sleep, in which he was doing a great job at crumpling his textbook pages. Clyde quickly shut the book and looked over to the other boy, expecting to find him drunk or maybe high. What Clyde did not expect was to see Kenny sporting an apron and black slacks, a to-go cup and battered paper in one hand. A scarf wrapped around his face, effectively blocking out wind, as well as Clyde from getting a look at his face.

When Kenny noticed that Clyde was awake, he lit up and quickly closed the distance, shutting the door with his hip. “Hey man, check this out.” Clyde was barely awake, mind still muddled from sleep, but his brain worked hard enough to understand the colorful paper Kenny sat in front of him. “Are you going?”

Clyde rubbed his eye, works still sticking to form. “Sure, I love a good party. Didn’t think you were a party guy.”

Kenny laughed, muffled. “That hurts, man. Why not?”

Clyde yawned, leaning back down to his homework. His words slurred with sleep. “You gotta name like Kenneth. Dassa nerd name.”

He vaguely registered the creak of the bunk as Kenny climbed up. “Hey, you gave me a nickname all on your own. That’s admitting that I’m cooler than my birth name.” The flop of fabric against mattress. “Go to that party with me, I’ll show you how cool I can be.”

Clyde mumbled into his book. “Bet.” If Kenny was still talking, he didn’t tune in, too busy getting drool all over his homework.

The closer time got to the awaited party, the more Clyde started hearing about it around campus. It became a hot topic in the halls and overtook class whisperings; what people were gonna wear, who they were going with, how crazy it was bound to be. Clyde was feeling like hot stuff for having already known about it (even if he needed the sight of the flyer to remind him), and all the buzz only made him more excited. This would mark his first real, off-the-chain college party. Quite possibly more important than first steps, if you asked him.

Clyde’s pile of homework sat untouched on his bunk. Not today; there were more important things, like the crisp varsity jacket laying on the chair and money on the desk for a dinner of tacos before. He was working on the knots of his sneakers when the door banged open.

“I’m just saying, laser eyes would just be a hazard to itself.” A boy with black hair followed Kenny into the room, still wrapped up in conversation. Clyde may have known next to nothing about the topic, but it sounded like a good one.

Kenny swung around to face Clyde. “Hey, dude, this is Stan. He’s gonna be going with us since his one true super best friend left him for a fancy school.”

“And there was no way I was going with Cartman.” Stan’s eyes were intense, practically radiating revulsion toward the Cartman fellow.

“And there was no way he was going with Cartman,” Kenny agreed, nodding. While he set to work on his parka zippers, Clyde grinned over at the newcomer.

“The more the merrier, man!”

“I’m also bringing alcohol,” Stan mentioned, holding up the twelve pack he carried.

Clyde glanced at the label and humbly dropped to a knee. “The good stuff! You’re a savior, Stan-the-man.”

“Don’t bother,” Kenny’s muffle advised, “his heart already belongs to a faraway prince.” Clyde turned to respond, but was shocked by lack of the raggedy orange parka. Instead, Kenny was decked out in a marginally better-looking hoodie and a skirt over leggings. That was a surprise, but Clyde couldn’t say it didn’t look great on Kenny. Unfortunately, a surgeon’s mask successfully continued to hide his face, and Clyde couldn’t help from groaning.

“Am I ever gonna see your face?”

Kenny strode over and patted Clyde’s back. “I’m too cute; it’s for the good of humanity that I contain it.”

“He gets sick easy,” Stan supplied from Kenny’s other side. Kenny punched him in the arm, and he glared back. “Dinner, first, right?”

“Yeah!” Clyde punched a fist in the air. “Ya boy wants tacos!”

It was beautiful. So beautiful.

Music thumped and blared out of the house, alight with strobes and the glowing cherries of cigarettes. People spilled out onto the street, most with drinks in hand. The only ones that looked like they weren’t having a good time were sitting against the side of the house, puffing on cigarette smoke. Clyde thought they looked just a bit menacing in all black with dark stares, but Kenny strode right up and held out a fist to the lone girl.

“’Ey, Henri!” She huffed and bumped the offered fist. “Glad you could make it!”

“Whatever.” She took another drag. “We’re just at this conformist party to prove a point that all this is still meaningless and doesn’t drive off the darkness.”

Clyde grimaced. Geez, these guys hit heavy. Kenny just looked infinitely brighter next to them, with his vibrant orange hoodie and blond hair.

To Clyde’s surprise, Kenny was agreeing with her. “I hear that,” he said, muffled, “but there’s nothing wrong with postponing inevitable darkness a while. Save me a smoke later?”

If Clyde wasn’t mistaken, he just saw the girl’s black lips twitch upwards. “I won’t wait around.”

Clyde looked at Stan for some clarification, mouth agape. Stan shrugged. “Goth kids, that’s Henrietta.” He pointed out the girl. “They’re a bunch of downers, but I’m pretty sure Kenny’s immune to everything the world’s got.”

Kenny rejoined their trio and led the way in. If the excitement and energy were evident outside, it was even better in the house. Pounding bass, crowded halls, laughter and dancing and so many attractive people. Clyde was sure he’d died and gone to heaven. This was where he was meant to be, and Kenny’s side pushing up against him in the crowd just made it better.

After a few drinks, the group lost Stan, but neither was too worried. “He’ll be passed out drunk somewhere,” Kenny claimed, and Clyde was too busy being distracted by the lure of beer pong.

An hour in, Clyde had taken back every worry he ever had about his roommate. Kenny was lively and wild, contrary to the stick-in-the-mud nerd assumption. He couldn’t believe he ever thought he had to be concerned about interacting with his roommate; it was as easy as breathing. The two were hovering to the side of a dim room, taking a quick breather and clinking their red solo cups, when a girl caught Clyde’s eye.

A goddess in red! The sun burned in jealously of the shine of her golden locks!

Really, he recognized her from his English class, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t still pretty.

“Go talk to her.” Kenny’s breath was hot on his neck in the crowded room, and it sent chills despite the heat.

Clyde did not blush. He instead focused on making his way through the throngs of partygoers, dodging cups of unknown drinks and young adults grinding on each other. Finally, he stumbled through past a pair of girls, reaching his destination.

“Hey, Clyde,” the girl drawled, pushing back a curl. Her lipstick gleamed blood-red.

Clyde ran a hand through his hair in a futile attempt to make it look less frizzy and sweaty. “Hey, Bebe!” he half-yelled over the noise. “Having fun?”

Bebe swirled her drink, smirking. “Yeah, but maybe not as much fun as you’ve been having with your friend over there.”

Clyde turned his head to see where she was gesturing. Kenny was bathed in a faint blue light, forming a type of halo around windswept blond hair, making him look ethereal amidst the other party-goers. At some point in the night, his hoodie got unzipped, showing off a tank top that complimented his figure in comparison to all those baggy jackets. Kenny was talking with Stan again, who was looking pretty worse for wear. Well, less talking with, more talking to while supporting most of his weight. Kenny was saying something and nodding in Clyde’s direction.

When they locked eyes, Kenny’s blue ones glittered. He winked. The simple action made something flutter in Clyde’s stomach. Maybe it was the alcohol.

He turned back to Bebe. “He’s my roommate.”

Clyde watched Bebe crane her neck to look at Kenny again, maybe noting how cheap his clothes looked. One of the girls that Clyde had pushed past leaned heavily on her friend, voice choked with the heavy emotion characteristic of drunk girls. “Oh my god, they were roommates!”

Clyde groaned, slamming his head down onto his jumble of papers.

“Chemistry?” Kenny guessed, huddled with his own books on the top bunk.

“Spanish,” Clyde corrected. “There’s so many words!” To rub salt into his struggle, Craig just had to be fluent. Not only did that make Clyde feel worse about his own inability, Craig was preoccupied with his physics project and had turned off all notifications. Help from the local genius was inaccessible. “You wouldn’t happen to be taking it, would you?”

“Nah, I tested out.”

Clyde swung around. “You know Spanish? Please help me!”

Kenny peered down. “Not Spanish, I tested out of language with Mandarin.”

That sent Clyde for a loop. “Mandarin?” Was that even one of the languages someone could take here? Not to mention the difficulty; English script was hard enough for Clyde to read without getting jumbled; he couldn’t wrap his head around understanding the strokes of Mandarin.

Kenny flipped a page in his notebook. “I used to work at this local Chinese restaurant. I picked a lot up from the owner.” It was said completely nonchalant, as if he wasn’t talking about casually learning a second language.

“Dude! Just like that?” The Spanish worksheets lay forgotten. Who would’ve guessed his roommate was so interesting? Maybe Clyde just wanted to avoid his homework, but learning more could totally be a valid excuse here.

“Mhm.” Aside from the affirmation, Kenny was quiet on his bunk.

“Could you say something in Mandarin?” Clyde prompted hopefully.

Kenny thought for just a moment. “Tā mā de.”

Clyde looked on, starry eyed. “So cool! What’s it mean?”

Kenny scribbled some notes, but paused to glance back at his roommate. His eyes crunched in the way that meant he was smiling, and Clyde’s heart buzzed. “Fuck.”

Clyde dissolved into laughter, and was quickly followed by Kenny. “I think I will start peppering that into my conversations starting today.” He picked up his abandoned pencil and flipped a Spanish worksheet over. “How do you say it again?”

Football practice may not rank as high as triple decker nachos on Clyde’s list of favorite things, but it was up there. The satisfying strain of muscle and delight of messing with his teammates outweighed the yelling of the coaches and the aches the next day by far. It was a time he actually enjoyed, that actually made sense instead of heavy bookwork, so of course the universe wouldn’t let him have it. Ten minutes in, the sky opened up, pouring rain so hard one couldn’t see past their own hand.

Clyde trudged back to his dorm hall, squinting to see through the sheets of water crashing down. He wiped his soppy bangs from his face, but it did no good. His clothes were drenched and heavy, coupled with the weight of his sports bag of equipment. At least the dorm hall wasn’t too much farther. It was benevolent in its way of offering shelter from the storm, but cruel and unforgiving in its broken elevator sign.

Clyde was resigned to heaving himself up the stairs, bag hitting every step behind him. A hot shower sounded so good right now. Or maybe lasagna. Or watching bad television in his soft and warm pajamas, snuggled up in blankets. Yeah, his night just got booked.

He dug in his pocket for his room key, dreaming about the dollar store garlic bread he could cook up. His hand closed on nothing. Clyde switched to his other pocket, then his back pockets, jacket, and bag, growing more desperate with each pocket. Of course.

Clyde let his weight drop, falling to the ground. Tears welled up in his eyes. He was tired, he was cold, he just wanted to go home! To top it off, Kenny had been talking about meeting up with his friend Eric, and the fact that the two might get arrested and wouldn’t be back until tomorrow morning.

Fantastic.

Clyde tried to ring out his clothes and leaned against the door. Maybe Kenny would get back early. He would love to see that scraggly hair and patched up jacket right now. Until then, well, no point in trying to get anything done.

Clyde was jolted out of his half-slumber by the door opening behind him, pushing his back. He looked over his shoulder to see an almost startled Kenny gazing down at him. Clyde quickly lept to his feet. “I thought you were still out.”

Kenny opened the door further to let his roommate in. “Things went south,” he explained, but didn’t elaborate.

Clyde pulled his heavy sports bag into the room. “Did you get rained out too?” Most of the water that clung to him had been left in the hall, but his clothes were still damp enough to be uncomfortable.

Kenny threw himself back into the desk chair, which spun with his weight. “I got shot.”

Clyde turned with a start, but Kenny looked fine. Clean clothes, smooth movements, a stunning lack of blood. He laughed. “That bad, huh?”

Kenny’s eyes looked sunken and tired. Clyde quickly decided it didn’t suit him.

“I’m gonna order a pizza. Proven to heal even the most gruesome wounds! What do you want on it?” He was too tired to make lasagna anyway.

Kenny leaned back in his chair. “Everything in the store. I’m starving!”

Clyde dug his phone out and dialed the nearest pizza delivery. His garlic bread was gonna knock Ken’s socks off.

Nothing screamed procrastination quite like watching dumb shows. Clyde pulled his blanket closer and perused his Netflix options. It would be a good night for a comedy, relieve some stress of classes. The lamps were already turned off, the blue light of the laptop the main source of light in the room. The savory smell of noodles wafted in, and Clyde drooled. Oh yeah, it was all coming together.

He turned to see his roommate heralding two cups of noodles. Faded pajama pants hung loose around Kenny’s thin frame, and a splash of broth had stained his shirt, which proudly proclaimed that he was the Denver spelling bee champion of 2005. The lighting made it just too difficult to get a good look at the bottom half of his face. Damn. Kenny set the two steaming cups of ramen on the table and crashed down onto the couch.

“Spelling bee champion?” Clyde finally picked a series to play, and his attention was grabbed by the old tee, the colorful lettering standing out.

Kenny picked up his noodles. “I stole it from Kyle,” he explained, twirling his chopsticks.

They settled in, slurping on seasoned noodles and continuing the series started last week. It had plenty of action, but more importantly, it had comedy. There was something special about laughing with Kenny. He had a great laugh.

Clyde shifted to lean against his friend’s arm. He was expecting maybe a sly comment or for Kenny to gently shove him off; he certainly was not expecting Kenny to take a sharp breath and stiffen. Clyde scrambled to move. “Fuck! Are you okay, dude?”

Kenny rubbed his arm with his other hand, and Clyde barely hesitated to push up the sleeve and examine. Aside from a few scattered freckles, the skin there was smooth. “Just phantom pain,” Kenny explained. “I hurt it yesterday and I guess I’m still feeling it. Don’t worry about it.”

Clyde could almost relate, but his sports injuries always left a mark a day later. “What’d you do?”

Kenny looked like he was considering some options. “Nothing much,” he decided. Clyde frowned, brows furrowed, but Kenny’s face was bright when he looked back. “Don’t worry about it, happens all the time.” He readjusted and leaned back against Clyde. “I always bounce back.”

With Kenny pressed against him, hot ramen on the table, and the next episode of their comedy beginning to play, Clyde wasn’t about to argue or probe for more information. He was content to just grab his cup of noodles and move closer to his friend’s side.

“You’re a weirdo, Kenny.” Clyde clapped a hand on his shoulder. “But I’m gonna miss you.”

Kenny’s eyes crinkled into a smile. “I’m gonna miss you too, you big dummy.”

Ah shit. Tears started leaking out of Clyde’s doe eyes and there was nothing he could do to stop it. He pulled Kenny into a hug. The shoulder of Kenny’s jacket was getting wet but Clyde didn’t notice. “I mean, you’re just so strange, man! I’ve never known anyone like you. My friend thinks you’re a demon.”

“Is it the one that’s always hyped up on coffee?”

“How’d you know?”

“Lucky guess.” After a few more minutes, Kenny managed to extract himself and put his hands in his pockets. “You’ll see me next year.”

No, that was way too long. Clyde pulled his phone from his pocket. “We could text over the summer! Maybe meet up?”

Kenny’s blue eyes lost their shine. “I don’t have a phone. I’m gonna be staying with my brother a few towns over. Sorry, dude.”

Clyde’s face fell, and he quickly wiped his eyes. “Alright. That’s cool. No worries, man.”

“Don’t miss me too much!” Kenny put a hand on Clyde’s shoulder as a goodbye, but it was the wrong move, as it sent the other into another death-grip hug. It might be a while.

Summer felt like a trade of Kenny for Tweek and Token back in person, and it was seriously messing with Clyde’s emotions. He loved his friends, and seeing Craig happier was always a treat, but without Kenny, things felt duller. It might’ve been easier to mope and forget those bright eyes for a while if relationships weren’t such a hot topic of conversation.

“Pretty fffunny that you w-worried all that much and all you did was fall in love with him.”

Clyde floundered. “I did not fall in love with him!”

Tweek pulled on his hair. “Gah! What if he infects you with alien spawn now that he’s gained your trust!”

Token poked at his gelato. “I thought the theory was that he’s a demon?”

Tweek set back to his espresso ice cream. “I’ve been workshopping it.”

“Don’t make him show you the PowerPoint,” Craig added. “It’s full of spelling errors and he won’t let me fix it.”

“You guys are the nerdiest couple I’ve ever seen,” Clyde said, annoyance temporarily forgotten over the pair, “and it’s so cute.” Craig flipped him off.

“S-soon they will be b-b-balanced out by the unt-untamable party couple,” Jimmy snickered.

“We’re not dating! I don’t even know if he likes boys,” Clyde defended. All the other parties present gave Clyde a long look. “What?”

“Dude,” Token began. “Kenny likes boys.”

“And girls. And an-anything that gives consent.”

“WHAT?” Clyde dropped his ice cream. “How have you guys noticed and I haven’t? Token doesn’t even go to our school!”

“Clyde,” Craig deadpanned. “He has a pride flag on his jacket.”

“It was in the—ah! It was in the picture you showed us!”

The boys all watched as Clyde tore out his phone and scrolled through his pictures until he reached the desired one. Sure enough, once he was looking, the pink, yellow, and blue patch was obvious. “Oh no,” Clyde whispered, horrified, “I’m an idiot.” He looked up just in time to see Tweek smack a hand against Craig, who had an amused look on his features. “But that doesn’t mean I like him!”

“One thing at a time, buddy.”

Clyde ripped open his dorm room door, excitement bringing him close to bursting. An agonizingly long summer, three long Kenny-less months. At last, on the other side of that door would be a gross old backpack and an orange parka and everything would fall back into place.

“H-hey, Clyde!”

Clyde stood in the doorway, staring blankly. Jimmy was on the bottom bunk, pulling notebooks out of his backpack. His smile was bright and wonderful as always, but that moment marked the only time it made Clyde feel worse.

“Oh. Hey, Jim.”

“You didn’t c-c-check anyone else’s room n-number,” Jimmy noted, unfazed.

“Nope,” Clyde sighed. If you asked him a year ago, rooming with Jimmy would’ve been the dream, but now? He couldn’t imagine staying with anyone but Kenny McCormick.

“N-no worries.” Jimmy grabbed his crutches, which were propped up against the wall. A confident smile played at his lips. “I know a v-vi-a visit with Cr-Craig will turn that f-frown upside down.”

Clyde didn’t believe it; Craig could be a sourpuss, and his general attitude was not likely to fix Clyde’s mood. Nevertheless, he was still a reliable friend. “CRAAAIIIG,” Clyde groaned, stepping into the dorm, hand over face. He didn’t bother trying to contain his distress. It wasn’t like he hadn’t seen Craig at his worst, anyway.

“Nice to see you too, Clyde.”

Hold up.

Clyde uncovered an eye to see a mop of blond and a horrendously vibrant orange hoodie. “Kenny!” There was no hesitation in flinging his whole weight at the other, who nearly toppled over. He wrapped his arms tight, and Kenny shifted uncomfortably.

“Might need some air here.”

Clyde loosened his arms marginally, but pressed his face into the jacket. “I’m never letting go.”

“Alright, but I don’t know the last time I washed this hoodie.”

“Same goes for my shirt, man.”

Jimmy and Craig each took a step away from the pair. Craig kept taking steps, out the door and down the hall.

“Should I be worried?” Kenny asked into Clyde’s hair.

“Nah, he’s gonna go do my laundry.”

“How did you ever survive before you met him?”

How did I ever survive without you, Clyde thought. Kenny was the sun, bright and wonderful, even if he didn’t know exactly how it functioned. If he could spend the rest of eternity here with Kenny, reckless, hardworking, witty Kenny, he would be happy. From where he was tucked, Clyde could easily peer over Kenny’s shoulder and get a good view of Jimmy. He was smirking at Clyde knowingly, the kind of look his friends always gave when it was proven that they were right.

Oh.

Dammit.

The group chat chimed a dozen messages, mostly words of encouragement. Clyde puffed his chest and began striding over to his target. The device continued to chime, and it only served to boost his esteem. He positioned himself against a wall, propping himself up against it.

When Kenny finally reached his point at the sidewalk, Clyde brushed his hair back and tried for an award-winning smile. “Hey, Ken, top or bottom?”

Kenny was still sporting his work uniform, with the addition of his heavy parka. He looked at Clyde, and his blue eyes were heavy and tired. “We don’t bunk together anymore, Clyde.”

Clyde only grinned back.

Kenny’s eyes widened. “Oh fuck.”

Clyde flashed a finger gun. “You and me, 7:00, sushi shop downtown?”

Kenny made an “okay” sign with his hand. “Hell yeah! Wanna see if Jimmy and Craig are willing to switch roommates?”

“They’ll do it, they’re great wingmen.” Clyde took Kenny’s hand in his own, confident.

Who needed classes or sports or parties or graduation? Hands down, Clyde would say the best thing about college was his super cool, not nerdy, Mandarin-speaking, psych major, idiot roommate. All that other stuff was just extra, pushing him closer to where he needed to be.

Maybe a class on mysterious boyfriend investigation would be beneficial, though.

#clenny #clenny week 2020 #clyde donovan #kenny mccormick #south park #sp clenny #my mediocre writing #it may not be perfect but I had fun making it and thats what matters #sp fic

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this-is-where-i-put-my-dark-shit · 4 years

Text

Your Savior is Here! Ch 4

Thank you for your patience! I hope you enjoy this next chapter! Let me know if you like it in the comments!🥰

Natasha POV

It’s dark out before I know it. The afternoon hadn’t lagged as I was expecting it to, considering his grand tour consisted of just the apartment and not the entire Vaught building. My hope of escaping were dashed before they could even fully form into an outline of a plan. He continues to stare at me whenever he has the chance, his hand is always on me, making sure I don’t venture too far from him. Not that I could make it out the door without him catching me even if he was across the whole apartment. I’ve known this man for a evening and I’m quickly learning this super hero is nothing but a drama queen with a daddy complex.

I roll my eyes.

“What are you thinking about?”

I look over at him, he is laying next to me in bed once again, propped on his side so he can continue his staring. I roll onto my side to face him, he likes when I look at him when we are talking. “Is this really going to be for forever?”

“Why do you keep asking me this?” He scoffs.

“Because I like knowing the chances for my survival.”

Homelander sighs as he scoots closer to me, I let him, not that he would let me do anything else. He makes a point to take off his glove, his large hand comes to rest on my cheek, “I’m going to keep you forever.”

A part of me breaks at his heartfelt promise, I’m going to be stuck here for however long this psycho thinks my forever is. I need to get out of here but I can’t right now, he doesn’t trust me to be left alone for more than five minutes. I’m sure he was watching me those whole five minutes I was in the bath actually.

Fuck.

“Well,” I gulp, “if I’m going to be here forever, I should probably call you something other than The Homelander.”

His brows raise at that, “I guess I didn’t even think about that.”

I return the action, genuinely surprised he didn’t whip out Daddy right away. “Really?”

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed my sweet girl but I haven’t put much thought into any of this.”

Now that he mentions it, I see it. He has had that intern running in circles all day after rounds of questioning, finding out what I like and things a woman needs to live an easy life. He always seems so sure of himself, so confident, I never once doubted if he knew what he was doing. This son of a bitch is literally winging a hardcore daddy kink without even knowing what he is doing! I wonder if he even knows that he’s doing it?

Fuck!

He suddenly rolls off the bed, he is quick to jump to his feet, his eyes are looking down but I can see a pink hue growing across his cheeks. “I’ll think about it!” Is all he says as he rushes away towards the bathroom. “I’m taking a quick shower before bed. I’ll be out in a minute, you just stay in bed, okay?”

I just nod as he stomps around the bed to the bathroom, surprisingly closing the door behind him.

I was not expecting that.

The shower turns on. He is really doing this? Is he really trusting me that much already? Oh fuck, what if this is some kind of test to see if I can be left on my own for more than five seconds? I lay down flat on my back trying to figure out what I should do, should I run? This could be my only opportunity, he admitted he has no idea what he is doing, this could be a mistake on his part. A minute passes and the shower is still on. I need to do something at least! As quietly as possible, I slowly sit up in bed, thankful for the memory foam and lack of creaky springs. My feet make contact with the cool floor, I stay on my tip toes as I attempt to make it across the apartment without a noise. I’m manage to make it to the kitchen before I accidentally bump into one of the bar stools near the island, the metal bar meant as a foot rest clings against the dark wood of the island.

Fuck. Fuckidee. Fuck. Fuck.

A quick glance at the front door reminds me that it is locked. There’s no getting pass it without Homelander’s hand print. The shower is still on. Did he really not hear me? This is either a test or the luckiest day of my god damn life. I could test him myself, a quick way to see if he is even listening to me or if he is too deep in his own head in there. I find my way into the kitchen, I peek into a few cabinets for a glass and find one behind the third door to the left. With trembling hands I turn on the foist and watch as the water slowly fills the glass half way before I turn it off.

Nothing.

My eyes go to the door again, I could try it.

The thought passes through my mind as the light of the security pad on the door turns green the lock clicks. The luckiest day of my fucking life apparently.

A pair of black heels come in first, stomping into the silent room like a herd of elephants. An older woman with curled locks and a red dress come in next, a scowl on her slowly aging face. She scans the room, finding me staring at her with wide eyes, her brows raise as she scans me completely.

“I’m assuming these are for you?” She holds out a few more bags the intern must have gone out for, “I stopped Mr. Kenneth as he was panicking in the elevator to a floor he doesn’t have clearance to, to bring these things to The Homelander.”

I’m not sure what to say, “Shut up.”

“Excuse me?” She scoffs, “Where is Homelander?”

“Shut up!” I hiss quietly, I take a few quiet steps towards her, ready to charge the bitch and push her out of the way to make my escape but she has to fucking ruin it!

“Homelander!”

The shower turns off.

I take my steps back into the kitchen and take a big drink of water as the bathroom doors are ripped open. Homelander steps out with a cloud of steam and a towel wrapped around his waist. If I thought he looked crazy before I misspoke, now he looks insane. His hair isn’t neat, nothing about him is put together, he doesn’t even look like the same person.

“Get the fuck out,” he snarls softly.

The woman rolls her eyes, “Are you still upset that I asked you to go off the grid for awhile? You seem to be doing just fine on your first day off,” She eyes me distastefully.

It takes all of myself control to not snap back at the bitch.

“I was interested to see why you abducted one of the interns to run errands for you. I wasn’t expecting this,” The hag gestures to me again. “Did you at least take care of the junkie like I asked this morning?”

My automatic reaction is to glare at Homelander for talking about me with her before her words fully sink in. Take care of the junkie. She is the person to who told him to take care of me. This probably isn’t what she meant but that’s what this sociopath heard, this is her fault. I take a step closer to her to bash this glass against her head but Homelander is a head of me, he is across the room before either of us can realize it, pinning the bitch to the now closed door.

“I told you to get the fuck out,” His voice is just above a whisper but it’s still terrifying, I’m thankful it’s not directed at me.

The woman drops the bags as she attempts to pull his hand away, failing to even budge the strongest man in the world. “Homelander,” She gasps, “I’ll go, I’ll go.”

He pulls away just as quickly, she falls to the floor, gasping for air, “Then get off the floor and leave us alone.” Homelander reaches to the keypad next to the door, the lock clicks. She scrambles to her feet, leaving the bags on the floor and quickly slides out the door, slamming it hard behind her. There goes my luck. His eyes move to me next, softening the moment he finds me. It only takes four large strides for him to reach me, crowding me against the island, all naked and wet.

Both my hands are trembling as I hold my glass, allowing him to fully scan over me before his eyes come back to my face. His hands cup my cheeks, “It’s okay sweet girl, that terrible woman is gone now. Did she do anything to you? Say anything terrible?”

I just shake my head.

“I’m so sorry I left you alone. That woman will never be near you again, okay? What are you doing out of bed?”

I hold up my glass, “I was thirsty.”

“You should have told me.”

“You were in the shower, I didn’t want to bug you, I’m sorry,” I look down as if I actually feel guilty for my actions. He wants me to be a sad little girl, I can do that if it means I can get him to let me out of here.

“That’s my fault. You can always come to me! No matter what I’m doing. Here,” he sets down my glass and scoops me up. “Let’s get you back in bed.”

“It’s still early!” I point out as I attempt to scramble in his arms, his tight hold doesn’t give me much room to wiggle.

He chuckles, “You need rest. You had a very busy day.”

“But I want to talk!” The words are out of my mouth before I can even process it. Homelander stops in his tracks.

“You want to keep talking to me?”

I nod, “You never answered my question! And who was that woman? She seemed like a real-“ I cut myself off.

“She’s a bitch.”

“Good to know I’m still great at reading people. Who is she?”

“She is the psycho woman in charge of the Seven.”

I raise my brows at that, “She’s your boss and you almost choked her out? Aren’t you worried you are going to be in trouble?”

“No one is my boss,” Homelander informs me as he sets me down on the bed, making sure to tuck me in. He sits on the edge of the bed, leaning over me with a smug smile, “You are the only person I am worried about, especially with the bitch wandering around. I’ll have to make sure I get her security number off the door. I’ll worry about that tomorrow though. Right now I need to go get dressed and make sure you get a proper nights sleep.”

My eyes shift down, now realizing that he is indeed naked, his towel is still covering his modesty but that’s it. I have never seen more than this man’s bare hands, I don’t think much of the world has. His body is as amazing as I thought it would be, not that I put much thought into it, his arms flexed in his current position. Showing off his muscles, he really looks as if he could carry the world on his wide, well built shoulders. My hand comes up on its own, curious about two things, one, if he feels as strong as he looks, two, if he will actually let me touch him. The tips of my fingers graze over his collarbone to his shoulder, down his bicep to his forearm. I follow the veins of his forearm to the hand resting near my side.

He is trembling. My eyes flick up to find him staring down at me, “I never got my prize.”

“I thought you wanted it in the morning.”

“And waste my one for today? I would never be so wasteful. My prize now.”

“Am I the only one expected to have manners?”

“I’m sorry,” A grin spreads across his face, “Please, may I have my prize?”

I gulp, “I guess, go ahead,” I turn my head to give him my cheek. He surprises me with a chuckle, “What?”

“I want as kiss from you.”

Oh.

"From me? Why?"

"Because I won."

All I can do is nod, knowing that's the best answer I am going to get from him. I move to sit up but he refuses to move an inch, "I can't do it from here."

"I'll come to you," He does. He drops down on to his forearms, caging me in my spot. His fingers tangle in my stray curls spread out on the pillow, "I'm ready whenever you are."

I don't think I'd ever be ready, but I can't say that. This whole moment is so surreal, I am once again transported to a reality where we are just lovers enjoying a intimate moment. I find my fingers dancing across his skin for a second time, this time his face. His complexion is perfect, there are crows feet slowly forming by his eyes but even that has it's charms. My hands rest on either side of his irritatingly, handsome face, there is a small amount a scruff near his jawline, prickly against my palms. I gently guide his face to the left before craning my neck up to place a soft kiss on his cheek, he inhales sharply.

His arms suddenly fail him, dropping a solid slab of muscle on my chest, all of the air leaves my lungs. I feel his scruff rub against my neck as he readjusts himself on top of me. My arms are stretched out above my head, secure against the head board, our legs are tangled together, his towel lost on the floor. A sudden sense of panic washes over me, what the hell is he doing? I prepare myself to do anything and everything to get him off of me, but just as suddenly he stops, his face pressed against my throat.

"You don't need to be scared right now," He mumbles into my skin. "I just want to be close to you, just take a deep breath."

"I would be more comfortable if you were at least dressed."

"And I would be more comfortable if you weren't. This way we are even."

"I don't anything about this is even."

"What makes you say that?"

I scoff, "You are one of the most powerful people in the world."

"I am, and?"

"Are you looking for more compliments or an actual answer?"

His chest vibrates against my stomach, his chuckle is deep and annoyingly comforting, "I'll go with a actual answer for now, save the compliments for later."

"You said it yourself, you can break every bone in my body without even having to try. That's pretty scary."

"Is that the only thing you think I would use my powers for?"

“I mean fame and fortune first, causing me bodily harm second.”

He glares up at me, “I would never!”

I hold up our collapsed hands in response, ignoring the voice in my head telling me not to poke the bear. I expect him to lash out, to break another finger, or my arm, instead he shoves his face back into the crook of my neck.

“It’s time for bed.”

“Okay, can you please put some clothes on?”

“Only if you agree to let me hold you.”

Oh I get an option now?

I hold my tongue, I just nod. He takes a deep breath before finally pulling away. My eyes follow his movements without thinking, he’s standing there in all his naked glory.

Holy shit.

The rest of him as perfect as I expected, all toned and muscular, not a single scar on this God’s body. Hanging in between his strong thighs is his just as impressive length. I divert my eyes but not fast enough, he catches me staring, his chest puffs with pride when he notices my cheeks flushing with embarrassment.

“No need to be bashful Sweet girl,” Out of the corner of my eye I see him posing oh so elegantly. “You can look for as long as you would like.”

“No thank you.”

“Okay, you’ll change your mind.”

I scoff, “Not anytime soon.”

“I have all the time in the world.” With that he wandering into the bathroom, the door is left open wide, nothing hiding me from him this time.

“Don’t you work? Events, press meeting, and stuff like that?”

I hear him chuckling from the closet, “I do, why?”

“I’m just curious how someone like you could have any kind of free time.”

“Due to some problems I have the next few days off. After that I will be back to my busy schedule of saving the world.”

“What will happen to me then?”

He comes back out in an outfit matching my own, white t-shirt and briefs, though he fills it out much differently than I do. “You will be here, waiting so patiently for me to come home.”

“You’re going to leave me here, all by myself, all day?” I do my best to hide the hope I feel. I must do a good job, he climbs back in bed with me, lying next to me this time.

“Are you worried about being alone all day? Don’t worry, I’ll make sure I come back in between meetings to check in on you, can’t have my sweet girl getting lonely.”

"I've been by myself a lot, I think I can manage."

Homelander sighs as he opens his arms to me expectantly, "We all think we handle loneliness well until suddenly we aren't." Without any other option I shuffle closer to the blond god, letting him move me where he likes once I'm within reach. We are in a similar position as we were this afternoon, my head on his chest, his arms securely around me, one hand drawing small circles on my back. As terrifying as this whole situation is, it feels nice.

"Well you are finding great ways to cope."

His laugh rumbles softly in his chest, "I couldn't agree more."

#the boys tv #the boys amazon #daddy homelander #homelander #oc x homelander #daddy kink later on #someone help her #not you homelander

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soultek · 4 years

Text

It Won’t Always Be Like This - Kenneth Hayes x Reader (The Outsider)

Love It Gone / The Arraignment

Author’s Note: It took me way too long to figure out the lyrics for this one. Hence the long time coming B U T we got there in the end. He’s still my baby and still my favourite and I honestly need to rewatch this show (or... skip to all my favourite moments at least) In conclusion: I need to write this relationship more, they make me happy! Disclaimer: The Outsider & associates show/book characters not mine / lyrics not mine / My screen cap!

Premise: Terry Maitland is innocent, Kenneth Hayes now knows this for certain. That means he has some apologizing to do... You know everyone will get through this somehow, and you’ll be there for him every step of the way...

Words: 1865

Warnings: not-so-subtle sexual connotations / swearing

____ Wish I could've told myself back then It won't always be like this It won't always be like this I know nothing lasts forever But sometimes I still forget It won't always be like this Didn't have a clue who I was, Who I could trust, and who were my real friends I had big wings but didn't have a sky Just a front-row view of everybody flying high Waiting for my time, wish I could've told myself back then No, the heart won't ache forever No matter how hard it gets It won't always be like this, no Looking at you looking back at me All I wanna do is make another memory And love you like it's the end I wish love would last forever So I could live it all again It won't always be like this

---

When Hayes told you he wanted to apologise directly to Glory Maitland, you thought that was a good idea. He’d had a pretty bad time of it since the Arraignment, which was to be expected considering all that had happened since. And now Glory was suing him. But you’d supported him through it all, because you needed to. And because he needed you too. He’d heard of a few cases very similar to the Peterson murder, and every time he did Hayes would come home and talk until he was literally too exhausted to do so any more. Once he’d received the phone call from Yune Sablo – as nearly everyone else involved in the case went off to Tennessee to sew it all up; you had half a mind to march up to Ralph Anderson about this but hadn’t yet made good on your promise to do so – that seemed to clear Terry, and put someone else in the frame, Hayes had needed to go to the Maitland’s house even more. You stood in the doorway as he called her to arrange stopping around. Glad at least that she’d agreed to such a meeting – when he’d been on the other side of this whole case. You knew that Glory would ask him a lot of hard questions, would likely tear him apart and make him feel incredibly guilty. And she had every right to do so. But Hayes was your partner, and you were still protective over him. You couldn’t be present for the conversation; however, you’d be there for him the minute he walked out of her front door. As you would be when he walked out of court – or however they decided to settle, and whenever he needed you at any other point on this journey. And maybe he wouldn’t run again, maybe this was it now. You needed to enjoy his remaining time being a District Attorney. But one thing was for sure, you would move forward together. You would face the future together, hand in hand. As you had everything else. ** This morning he asked you to drive him over, which made you fold your arms and raise an eyebrow. “What’s wrong with your car?” “Yours is neutral.” You turned around from the kitchen counter you were pouring cereal at, to the island where he was standing reading the paper “Neutral? Because it’s another County’s marked car?” “Sometime like that…” You scoffed; “If you think it will help.” “I kinda do. And I think I might need you.” “Do you think I’ll get you back in one piece?!” “Who knows? That’s why I need ya!” You smirked gently, “Is this to help her out? Would you like me to put you in handcuffs? You know – to really sell it?” Hayes glanced over his shoulder at you, unable to pretend that he didn’t know why you’d ask such a thing; “I think you do that a little too much already.” You pushed your tongue against the inside of your cheek whilst you smirked, “Well then you know how to act.” “Will you stop-! This is unhelpful.” “You’re the one that wants to go for a ride in my county car…” You winked, “If you get out alive I might let you take a ride somewhere else.” He turned back to the paper clearly flustered – “Look! Will you just drive-!” You giggled to yourself, watching him – but he didn’t turn back; “Babe. Of course I will!” then taking your bowl and walking passed him you couldn’t resist the smirk as you looked back; “Would you like me to turn on the flashing lights too?” Red crossed his face as he looked up; “Y/N! No!!” ***

The drive was silent if only because he was contemplating. You didn’t know exactly why Hayes would feel the need to run the conversation through his head – he stood in the court room making speeches off the cuff all day, and was an extremely quick thinker, but you supposed for him this was different. This wasn’t a cross-examination of a witness, or a cutting sarcastic remark. This was the widow of a man Hayes had been certain was guilty; only for it to turn out he was not. And it wasn’t just any apology, Terry Maitland had died.

You took one hand off the wheel and laced your fingers with his – making him turn back to you. “I’m sure you’ve thought this through already, but remember she’s suing the office and you, babe…” “I know…” He breathed out, “It’s a shame, because there’s so much more I’d like to say, but due to that I just can’t.” “That’s why you’re thinking it over so hard.” He squeezed your hand; “Would you believe I haven’t been so nervous since the first time I stood up in court alone? Not even facing down one of my death row boys… or getting married.” “Well just make sure it doesn’t end up like your marriage, huh?” “I dunno…” He mumbled, leaning his head against the window, “I mean I guess we’re still friends.” “Babe, you don’t need to be nervous. You got this – I don’t expect her to make it easy on you… But she better not hurt you or I’ll throw hands-!” Then he laughed, turning back; “Oh, she better not hurt me? You wanna see the bruises I regularly get on my wrists-!?” “Oh,” You turned to him, voice mocking; “Poor baby – acting like he doesn’t ask for it.” Then you raised an eyebrow, “We could always stop?” Though he had a point, Hayes bruised like a peach sometimes and you had to be very careful that the marks wouldn’t show past the sleeve of his shirts. You noticed that suggestion made him go silent again, and he returned to staring at the scenery; “I’m just glad you’re here…”

When you pulled up at the Maitland’s house you turned back to him; “If anything happens, just scream – I got handcuffs and my badge.” “Ralph Anderson is gonna love that paperwork.” You scoffed; “Ralph Anderson can mind his own damn business-!” then folded your arms; “And like he wouldn’t do the same for Jeannie.” Hayes at least agreed with you there, opening the car door and stepping out; “Okay, I’ll be a minute.” “If you’re there any longer than you have to be I’m barging in-!” “You don’t need to-” “Equally if I hear anything from her I’m not opposed to leading you out in handcuffs-!” “Stop!” Still, at least he laughed; “Do you want to come with me?” “Do you need me? I mean honey, I think you need to do this alone, right?” You frowned, still sure it was better to stay out of it, even if for legal reasons. “No, you’re right – I think I’ll be fine.” You nodded, “I’ll be right outside. Good luck.” He leant across to kiss your cheek but you turned at the last second and caught his lips; “…And be a good boy.” “I will.” Hayes’ voice was gentle as he straightened and closed the door. You watched him for a moment with a small smile on your face as he fixed his tie, and his hair, and brushed his suit smooth before crossing the road and taking the steps up to her house.

***

For a little while you sat to check work messages and listened to music with the windows rolled down. It has been a pretty hot spring into summer, that much was for sure, but after a while you decided to stretch your legs a little and stand outside the car in the fresh air. It also meant you could sun yourself; and there was a nice breeze to accompany it.

You knew this was probably awkward for him – heck he’d prepared about as hard for this as he ever did for cases. But you hoped it would be amicable, no matter how strange for both of them it was – he probably deserved shouting and screaming and being cussed out, but still – Hayes was just doing his job, and you hoped Glory might forgive him for that. He would exonerate Terry at his next conference, and then his innocence would be fact, his name cleared. You knew that things would never go back to normal after that, but you hoped they’d be better. It wouldn’t always be as bad as things looked right now...

The front door opened, placing you on alert again, and your head raised. They nodded to each other, but no words were spoken as he stepped out and she closed the door. At least Hayes looked intact. You smiled, uncrossing your legs and straightening up – he didn’t have so far to walk back to you but with the burning questions you had every step was agony.

Only when he’d closed their front gate did Kenneth Hayes breathe a deep sigh of relief, his eyes raised and when they met yours, he really did smile. “How’d it go?” Your voice was soft as he crossed the road, he moved in close, hands to your arms “…About as good as it could have…” “So you said it, all of it?” “Everything I can legally. When the lawsuit is over… I’ll be able to say what I really want…” His voice broke a little and Hayes rubbed his eyes with a sniff. Your brows knitted as your head tipped – had he cried? You supposed this was emotional for everyone, so it didn’t really surprise you. You reached up and cupped his face – bringing him back to you “And I know you will.” You nodded encouragingly, “It’s almost over, babe, and I’m proud of you for doing this. You didn’t have to.” Faint blush crossed his cheeks at the word proud, yet he smiled thankfully – “It was the right thing to do.” “It was.” You agreed, moving your fingers to lace with his, “Now, Mr. District Attorney, may I give you a police escort home?” He laughed, as more single tears escaped and he had to wipe them away again – “I’d kinda like to take my escort for lunch, I mean I didn’t really eat, considering-” He nodded back to the house “Lunch out?” You smiled gently, “Okay, I accept your lunch date proposal, however,” You tsked him “You should know better than to tell me you didn’t eat, darling, that won’t get you anything you want.” You leant up to brush your lips to his, “Even though, I mean it – I’m extremely proud of you…” He pulled away to thank you again, but you couldn’t resist pulling him to you by his tie to kiss him harder, forcing Hayes to steady himself against the car. You released him as if nothing had happened, and walked around to the driver’s side, leaving him to shake his head and slide in. “One thing…” You chuckled, as you belted in and started the engine – looking back to the house once more with a smile – it was nearly over… You’d probably end up giving Glory a big hug afterwards – it wasn’t something you’d been able to do yet, and it felt very odd. “Go on?” “You only assume I don’t want whatever you’re gonna do about the fact that I didn’t eat this morning.” His look was meaningful and you couldn’t help but smirk. “Careful, babe,” You patted your hip, pulling the patrol car away from the curb, “I’ve still got handcuffs.”

---

Thank you for reading about the DA Bae! 😊🙏

#Kenneth Hayes #Michael Esper #Bill Samuels #The Outsider #the outsider hbo #hbos the outsider #All my caps for 9/10 are... bad quality and I think most of that is having to be back on my parents internet for now #so have a sassy baby from episode 2... you won't mind!#I love this man an INSANE amount #and rereading the book makes me SO sad they didn't give him the same story line #*sob sob*#Him and Ralph were supposed to have a GREAT relationship and HILARIOUS chemistry! The BEST conversations #But nooooo...#they ruined that too #Still Bitter #Michael Esper is still a real cutie. Like god damn.#leftie babies #you can tell how much I dislike his first / new name by the fact he's only ever referred to as Hayes #Or pet names.

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survivor-ingary · 3 years

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Episode 9 - "I GOT A SUPER IDOL AKJSDNKSJANDKJ" - Kenneth

At the last tribal, Toph was voted out. During the past round, Keith found an exile ticket in the idol hunt and is in exile this round. The individual immunity this round is a 'chop the rope' style of Touchy Subjects. It will be followed by an instant tribal council.

ANNA OU- the execution of the vote was an absolute mess this is embarrassing y'all... i'm really starting to not trust ellie more and more considering the way this vote went! the way we were originally gonna vote toph but all this mess led to us flipping votes to brayden, which was a fail cuz he played the idol to himself and not toph LOL and not babs giving the idol to ellie cuz she would've gone home tonight!!!!! thank god the end results were still in our favor, getting rid of toph, but raffy is pissed once again lmao. this twist is very interesting, because i knew ahead of time that keith was gonna poof this round but i played dumb and whateva! it's kind of concerning cuz it might actually be a 4-4 split this time which SCARES ME so the extra vote consideration might be even higher. I really wanna win this Touchy Subjects challenge so the votes don't pile onto me (even though I fully believe it'll be either Dennis or Ellie lol)

my bestie toph just went home and im so sad :( he was literally my closest ally in the game and i am literally sooooo sad that he’s gone. but i did use my idol on myself which ended up being good bc if i didnt i would have gone to jury. just like everything is going wrong for me at this point and im on the bottom pretty much with raffy and anastasia. we needed to flip 2 people to have majority, BUT KEITH LEFT TO EXILE ISLAND AND HE WAS THE MAIN OPTION WE WANTED TO FLIP, so now that leaves kenneth and babs and we have to flip both of them or we are out of here. so we have our work cut out for us, but i really think we can flip babs because like they would just get like 6th place without us, and i just gave i think a pretty good pitch to kenneth so i really hope he considers it and doesn't just run and tell his majority alliance like he did with anastasia. anyways the challenge is touchy subjects and im nervous and i kind of am wishing i voted kenneth for biggest goat but i think i put riley and i regret ut. i hope someone says kenneth as biggest goat or something so it opens his eyes and he realizes he is literally number 4 to a solid 3 and should flip and be number 4 in our not at all solid 3. anyways i really hope i live this round

Captain Exile's log, Entry #58. I have been on exile island for an hour. it seems like forever... my mind is slowing turning into mush. I fondly remember the days I would plot Raffy's demise. Those days now seem like a lifetime ago.

I wonder why the 3 time keeping hosts have forsaken to this island, making me a fool by calling it a vacation. I also will never forgive them for not having an exile island hidden immunity idol. I should have asked Jay to send her cat to keep me company. . opportunity missed.

my favorite hobby is writing checks i can't cash

raffy realllllllly seems to trust me

babs realllllllllyyyy trusts me

ellie reallllllllly trusts me

kenneth realllllyyyyyy trusts me

keith reallllllllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy trusts me and i trust him right back

a+b do not trust me so im gonna have fun with this.

i love that idols just naturally attract themselves to ellie.

i love that keith and i are doing an amazing job as undercover kings and it makes me laugh that raffy completely believes that keith is perfectly in his back pocket. king of delusion.

i stirred up a lot of paranoia but its believable that ellie is the one thats mainly on dat.

excited for touchy subjects would love to win

I'm too nice for orgs. I reload video games when I accidentally select the mean dialogue options because I don't want to hurt any character's feewings. Which... is NOT the same as genuinely thinking everyone is a pleasant person.

Well, as the only person playing this live challenge sort of "remotely" ahead of time I feel like I'm in a really weird position. I guess I'll wake up tomorrow to... something? A clusterfuck most likely.

Brayden round 9 is already over but im pretending im writing this while its round nine

hey everybody its round 9. i played my idol to save myself which was so cool but im sad that i had to do it bc now im really vulrunable and have no protection in this world. my only alliance left is anastasia and raffy and i dont even know if i can actually trust raffy bc he just voted toph off, but like i have no other options. also i jut realized i thimk i actually did send a confessional this round but its ok. the challenge is touchy subjects and i know i have pretty much no chance of winning but i hope i get asked whos a goat so i can say kenneth and maybe he’ll flip. the plan is to go for riley this round since they arent a huge player and hopefulyl anyoen who flips would be fine voting them. i really really really hope tonight isnt a hands up tribal bc that would be really bad ;)

GUESS. FUCKING (freaking for the kids). WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I GOT A SUPER IDOL AKJSDNKSJANDKJSANDJKNASKJDNAKSJ I HONESTLY ALMOST LOST HOPE ON GETTING SOMETHING FROM THE SHOPS AT THIS POINT... The only other time I got something from the shop was my first ever purchase which led to an extra vote! THIS IS ABSOLUTELY MASSIVE because I feel like I have more options moving forward now, and I can make risky, but game-changing moves!! I will absolutely be saving the super idol as much as I can, hello?!?!?! I wanna make it to FTC so bad and ensure my spot in Final 5, so I just have to hold on until then!!!

soooo who's callin' me the fourth wheel to Ellie, Dennis, and Riley? oh? it's Brayden? okay king, step up then <3

holy fuck I hope I can explain this mess to Brayden kljfjkdlsahjkb WHY AM I LIKE THIS

Who is that girl I see?

Staring straight back at me

When will my reflection show

Who I am inside

I was completely over Toph's vote out. Like, it just is another demonstration of my "allies" not trusting me. They thought that I told Toph all about the plan to vote him instead of Brayden. They think I ratted to Anastasia and Brayden about the whole deal. It was incredibly frustrating to wake up from a nap with my allies not trusting them. And then they wanted me to vote for Brayden which would have landed Ellie in the jury house. Like, the plan was perfect, but Dennis, Babs, and Ellie just talked themselves into a paranoid mess. After the vote, I managed to talk myself into the good graces of Brayden and Anastasia after voting out Toph. What I said was "If y'all still want to work together, I'm down, but I didn't necessarily trust Toph. Additionally, I was approached like last minute to vote him because of Ellie's idol (they told me about it just before the vote). And I didn't want Brayden to go (didn't know about your idol)." They seemed to buy it?

I went on call with Dennis afterwards and basically asked for Riley to get voted out this round because they are Ellie's immoveable ally. They will never want to work with me. That's dangerous. It could give Ellie a lot of power in this game. Dennis seemed to agree. I also realize that Dennis has a crystal clear view of my game. He knows the type of game I am playing. That scares me. I need to play this game with the knowledge he can turn on me at any time.

My current position is in the middle. I am working with the heads of both sides in this game. I am working with Ellie, Dennis, and Babs on one side. And Anastasia and Brayden on the other. Kenneth is on the Ellie side, but I think my avenues with him are currently closed. What's the most frustrating is that Anastasia and Brayden are so misted by Babs that they can't see that they are LYING. Straight to their faces! Talking about wanting to be allies. Like, I need them not to spill to Babs about anything cause then I would be exposed.

Pray for me y'all.

Kenneth uh this tribal was... literally not in our favor at all... riley was gone the whole time and we didn't throw raffy under our bus when we should have... rip well riley wasnt in my end game plan anyways but its still pretty unfortunate to not have them around for the next couple of votes... i wouldve pitched for raffy harder but it didn't even matter because riley already submitted the vote for brayden :/// just a lil' unfair but it's SURVIVOR i guess!

Keith I woke up to a surprise. I was expecting to be another day on this island but it wasnt to be... This was a round came with a surprise tribal after the challenge. So yayyyy me.... bye bye Exile.

#episodes

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markaarondlc-blog · 6 years

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The Odd Generation Of Gold

This month, is the probably going to be the last time I’ll be with these odd bunch of people that I call family. I hope that I did justice to you guys, I’ll definitely remember all of you, and I hope you guys can remember who I am.

Joshua Andal- Thank you for hanging out with me, you’re one of my closest friends that I can rely on and I can’t thank you enough for helping me with a lot of things.Thanks for teaching me on piano. Stay cool as always!

Cj Andrade- Hey dude, You need to chill sometimes? yeah? Anyway thanks for playing Vainglory with me even though we fail a lot and thanks for helping me with stuff and I really enjoyed your company

Andrew Antonio- A really intelligent person, A great role model to admire and dream of, well i can’t reach your level but you’re still an inspiration.

Kenneth Bacud- One of the people who made this family twice as better, giving of jokes and not worrying about too much. Stay as you are!

Ronnie Ballad- We will never forget your white hair welp some of its gone now so yeah. Stay as you are keep being nice!

Laurence Castillo- Pleas fix some of your traits, but either way you can be nice. The only thing we could possibly talk about is one punch man, just sayin

Freidrich Cusipag- I’ve known you for 7 years now, and i really admire your skill a lot and you also manage to do something in a short amount of time. Keep being you and stay happy always!

Karlos Dayrit- The silent boi as many people call him, but for us he’s different. The troll in a game but a good gamer as well, we have some similarities in our personalities. I wish you could express a lot more to other people. Keep being a great friend, Ill see you next time White Cat

Daryll Diaz- One of the happiest members of this family, Plus go to school early dude, Thanks for being one of my friends. Still waiting till i can play League with you

Harvey Herbert- One of my friends since elementary, Its crazy how you changed a lot in a short amount of time, Keep being artistic and i hope i can collaborate with you sometimes

Ryan Maguddayo- The loud boi, an exact opposite of Karlos, Thanks for being my friend, and you are a great leader as well. You don’t really care about too much. Keep being happy and I hope we could meet again!

Emil Malana- You can be wacky a lot of times but when pressured you can get serious. A really great person you can rely on.

Jonard Mallillin- We have some similar taste on anime. I enjoyed your company and i hope I’ll see you next time

John Roe Matammu- The most wholesome person in the group, even if some people bully you, you’re okay with it, Take Care!

Whesley Pelagio- Control your Temper sometimes, Thanks for being a good friend and thanks for helping me with studies and we’ll see each other again

Felmar Portillo- One of the nicest people i talked to. I admire your skills. Keep being kind!

Timios Santias- A great leader, you lead your classmates with great responsibility and look at the better side of things. Keep rockin on dude!

Yran Villanueva- I hope you fix the way you preach about stuff, cause sometimes people might get hurt. But you can get nice. I enjoyed your company, and I hope things go the way you want them to.

Darylle Addatu- Keep being how you are now, I know you’ll reach great heights someday

Kryssha Andres- Keep dancing, I enjoy talking with you. Thank you for being one of my friends!

Judee Articulo- I don’t really talk to you much, but i really admire your piano skills, and i hope you can teach me one day.

Janae Bassig- I dont really talk to you much, but thanks for being a good friend, and keep being what you are

Buena Beños- Stay kind and I enjoy watching you sing! Stay awesome

Angelica Binarao- Thank you for being one of my closest friends, your’e a person that i can rely on with studies and personal stuff, I really enjoyed your company and I hope we can collaborate on that perfect cover

Karen Bitanga- Thank you for being one of my closest friends, I really enjoyed your company with Angelica, keep on improving your drawing skills. Still waiting on the singing collaboration with Angelica.

Julia Calbario- Keep on growing, (literally), No I’m just joking around. Keep on dancing and never change. Keep being who you are right now.

Angelica Calvo- I will remember that infamous laugh of yours. Thanks for being nice to me and Stay being awesome!

Salve Cardenas- I don’t really know whats going on with you right now, but i do know that your’e under going some deep stuff, I hope you recover and be the person we once knew.

Christelle Castro- I admire your writing skills, I enjoyed your company. Keep being amazing cause I know you will achieve a lot

Kristel Doctolero- I enjoyed talking with you even if its just a minute or two. And uh, i heard from someone that you have a person in your mind right know. Hope that he likes you too.

Samantha Durian- I don’t really know what to say, cause I don’t really talk to you much, but I do know that your’e a great friend to our classmates. Keep being yourself!

Naiza Gañac- Keep being one of the child-like people I know. Take care and keep being yourself!

Jeannelle Genoveza- Keep being yourself. I really like how you study a lot and being unselfish when it comes to giving out answers on a test.

Grace Guzman- One of the loud people here in this family, even if i haven’t talked to you yet. Thanks for being nice to others

Editha Guiyab- You kinda have that sassy side of things but as we talk more I can say that your’e a really nice person. I hope everything will go your way.

Micah Maggay- I don’t really talk to you that much but keep being a good friend to others. Stay being pretty and happy!

Nina Matammu- You... We kinda had a misunderstanding last year. but its all cool now. Probably one of the funniest people in the group. Keep being you i enjoyed your company and all the laughs.

Karissa Manalo- One of the funniest people in the group, keep being you. Stay kind I hope that macaroons business you got going on get bigger.

ABCD Narag- I admire your skill in English. I like hoe you express your emotions in a simple manner of writing. Keep on going cause i know you will achieve something great.

Kathrina Raralio- I don’t really talk to you that much, But from that past blog I kinda already said some stuff so yeah, I recommend you read that instead of this one. Anyway keep being awesome!

Shany Salva- Thank you for being my mom ( even if its only on the roleplay side of things), Thanks for being my closest friend s as well. I enjoy playing games with you and sometimes just chillin out. You’ve been one of the greatest help for me and Thank you for that.Team XZS forever!

Kezia Tan- I admire your skill in piano as well, I hope we can collaborate on it. Take care and always be yourself!

Ayra Tamaray- I enjoyed your company even if its just a short amount of time, Keep being straightforward and ill see you next time

Precious Tabbu- Please fix some of your traits. But i know that you can be a great friend. I hope we can get an understanding sometimes.

Jemarie Tapiru- You really great at memorizing. I wish that I can achieve that same skill you have. Take care!

Katreena Tattao- Thanks for being one of my friends. I hope you enjoyed the piano cover i sent you. I can’t do your next request at the moment but I’ll be sure to do it when I have time. Take care and always be happy!

Joanna Tuliao- Just like katreena, Thanks for being one of my friends, I enjoyed your company and i hope everything is go your way. I hope we can meet up again, Take care!

Okay I’m tired now. Time to go back reviewing.

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imaginaryboyfriendcollection · 7 years

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HiddleHamlet: A firsthand account (Part II)

It’s 5 days later and I’m still suffering from what @hiddleston81 calls the Hiddleston Hangover.

This second half is now days late, oops, so a lot of this has already been said by now, but I still want to record it for posterity. Fair warning, this post is going to be a disorganised mess of my thoughts - swinging between genuine observations about play/performance and completely shameless fangirling - so, the usual. That’s what you’re here for, right?!

Here are some more things I want to remember about Tom’s Hamlet:

Tom’s already much-discussed perfect hair was just like in the programme photo above, but at a few key points, one lock of hair would escape from the slicked back gorgeousness and fall over his forehead. Yes, that’s right - an errant curl. And somehow I’m still here to tell this tale.

Dancing. IT HAPPENS. Only for a minute, but it is glorious. The first entry of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern comes with a beats pill playing danceable music (Kendrick Lamar, I think?) and they all bust out a few moves. I gasped. Snake-hipping, y’all! In the middle of Hamlet! Bless you, Sir Kenneth Branagh.

There’s one bit where Hamlet dives underneath the carpet and tunnels along and then comically pops out the other side. Another where he gets excited and leaps on and then over the back of the couch. He wears facepaint and wraps himself in a Danish flag. He does silly voices on behalf of the skull in the “Alas, poor Yorick” scene (a Scottish accented one, even - swoon). Tom was such a playful Hamlet in these moments, delighting in being unhinged. I loved that he was let loose like this - he had these offhand chances to laugh and play, while still being clearly and primarily defined by his grief and fury. Those contradictions seemed so human. I think, more than anything, Tom’s Hamlet is the most relatable one I’ve seen (I mean, apart from those times when he gets all murdery. But you know.)

His anger and sadness, though, were harrowing to behold. The scene in the very beginning where Hamlet comes out onto a nearly dark stage to play piano and sing is haunting - his pain is palpable, and the entire audience was hanging on his every word and motion. It was like a shot straight to the heart to begin the production. I recall reading some review that slightly criticised him as “obviously not a singer” in this scene, and I agree that it wasn’t his usual standard of vocal performance, but I would venture that this was intentional. I thought he still sounded rather lovely, but his voice was imperfect, thin and cracking with grief. This is supposed to be Hamlet alone in his sorrow, not performing for anyone as he does in other scenes throughout the play. The moment feels incredibly authentic, illustrating perfectly Hamlet’s current frame of mind, and it sets the tone for Tom’s entire performance.

I kept becoming mesmerized by the little details of him - a consequence of him being so close, in the flesh. It was impossible not to focus in on his overwhelming physical presence. He was so lean, lithe and yet all muscles, with this energy radiating off of him every time he moved. I couldn’t stop noticing and trying to memorize every tiny thing about him. I could see the veins in his hands, the freckles on his forearms, the sheen of sweat under the curls at the back of his neck. The pattern of his stubble and the little muscle clench in his jaw (urrghhh) and the way his eyes shone with tears in the stage lights. JFC, is he a beautiful human.

In his first scene (after the piano one) when he turned to our side of the stage, he did lock eyes with me and held it for a second, so I think that might’ve been him registering recognition. There will never be any way to know for sure...which means I am of course just gonna go ahead and believe my version, because why the hell wouldn’t I. Tom totally recognised me - IT IS CANON - at least in my head, forever, the end.

He did that face-cupping thing that he does to Ophelia in the scene where they kiss. His long, beautiful fingers stroking her cheek. Fucker. And the way he was looking at her...well, you can imagine it. Hamlet’s love for Ophelia in this scene is tangible, and the whole thing made my insides melt completely. Sighhh.

Oh, also - he PICKS UP tiny Rosencrantz and twirls her all the way around his body. It is literally the cutest thing and I nearly choked on my own saliva for how badly I want this thing that I’d never even thought of before, being grabbed around the waist by Tom and swung entirely around his body. UM GIVE ME THAT PLEASE. They were pretty adorable together and caused @hiddleston81 to immediately start shipping them (I would’ve too if I were a shipper, but I’m only able to ship my real-life crushes with one person, and that’s meeee).

Hamlet and Horatia had great chemistry too - they really seemed like comfy best friends, but with a good degree of physical affection between them as well. Basically, Hamlet has sexual tension with every woman in this play. Or maybe I’m projecting.

Oh, let’s talk about the leather. It comes out right at the end, for the incredible fight scene. There’s the already-beloved leather jacket of course, but also - leather gloves. The time he spent putting on the gloves was probably only 20 seconds, but it seemed like a slo-mo 5 minutes in my head, with imaginary sexy music playing in the background (wee-wee-wowww). After he gets the gloves on, he immediately runs them through his hair to slick it back all the way, and it is maaaybe the hottest thing I’ve ever seen. I somehow didn’t burst into flames. Amazing.

Little tummy peeks happened a couple of times throughout the show, which were just too damn delicious for words. Again, he looked so good in his clothes! When on top of that, his shirt would occasionally ride up a bit over his tight, low-slung jeans and show that bit of skin, uhhh...heavenly powers, restore me.

Hamlet’s death scene is heartbreaking, obviously, and my eyes were full of tears. But still it was impossible not to notice that his shirt had ridden up again and his lower abs were on display, creating a complicated and weird mix of emotions, ie I am very sad but also extremely turned on, what is wrong with me?? He was also so close that you could see his chest rising and falling with his breathing, which is just so intimate, and I couldn’t stop drinking it in with my eyes. I never could take my eyes off him for a single second when he was onstage, even when the action would move elsewhere.

The older lady sitting beside me leaned over before it started and said, “Well, we couldn’t get any closer than this, could we?” and I thought, “Aw how nice, a sweet theatre-loving lady who wants to chat.” Then she said “Tom Hiddleston will be practically on top of us!!” and I thought “OH NO SHE’S A KINDRED SPIRIT.” This was proven true at the intermission when she asked me if I was “enjoying the view of Hiddleston’s butt.”

Me (in my head) I LOVE HER

Me: It’s like a chorus of angels singing in my ears.

Her: And his legs!!

Me (getting too worked up) HE’S SO LEGGY

Her: Have you seen The Night Manager?

Me: OH GIRL

One last thing. I know I got to be in Tom’s presence once already, in a completely astounding circumstance, but it was really special to be in the same room with him for this particular experience. I feel extremely grateful to have had the chance to be there, and do not take it at all for granted. His talent, charisma and grace as an actor shone in this role. He was utterly moving. He came alive on stage, and it was absolutely thrilling to witness. As someone who has seen all of his work and adored him from afar for years, this was something new. Being there with him, in this intimate setting, in his element...was beautiful. I’ll never forget it.

#hiddlehamlet #rada hamlet #tom hiddleston #i'm still in awe #help meeee #where do i go from here?!#what am i supposed to do with my long hiddles-free life stretching ahead of me?!#post-hamlet depression is REAL

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markwatkinsconsumerguide · 4 years

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Consumer Guide / No.98 / American television, film and stage actress, Bernadette Quigley with Mark Watkins.

MW : What’s new?

BQ : Currently, work is sparse as most of my businesses have been shut down because of the COVID-19 pandemic. No films or television shows are being shot in NYC at this moment in time and most of my side businesses are on pause as well. This season’s gardening work didn’t happen at all (because NYC had not yet deemed gardening an essential service).

Thankfully, I have a few coaching (acting) clients I work with often and I had one job before this pandemic hit that I’m still working on - a press and radio campaign for Irish singer-songwriter Ultan Conlon’s beautiful new record, ‘There’s a Waltz’. It’s been gratifying to see reviewers agreeing with me that it’s Ultan’s finest record thus far!

MW : Tell me about your role in Law & Order...

BQ : Well, I had four Law & Order roles, actually. Two are on Law & Order: SVU and two are on the mothership Law & Order.

My first big role on SVU was of a victim, Jean Weston, on the season finale of their 2nd season, many moons ago. This character was a mother and wife from Oregon whose husband and son got stabbed to death by a serial killer – played by Richard Thompson.

I’ll never forget this role for many reasons but primarily it was a job where I discovered I could cry on cue. The director and producers decided they wanted to end the episode with a huge close up of my character, breaking down in the gallery in the courtroom. One of the producers shouted out, “Bernadette…can you cry on cue!?” I meekly replied, “Sure.” Next thing I hear was…”rolling….” and “ACTION”… I looked up, terrified I wouldn’t be able to summon up tears but imagined the hell my character went through and looked deeply into Chris Meloni’s eyes and …phew!...started to cry!

The Law & Order franchise has been a godsend for many actors. Not just financially, which it has and still is but for me, the experience I gained working on those shows led to a lot more television and film work over the years, so I’m forever grateful to creator/producer, Dick Wolf.

MW : What are your own views on law & order? Anything you’d like to see relaxed or tightened up on?

BQ : Feels very naïve and idealistic to say this, but I’d love to see major, police reform. Police brutality is despicable and out of control, especially in Black communities.

I believe we’re beginning to see the power of the Black Lives Matter movement resulting in some of these police officers losing their jobs and sometimes being arrested themselves for their unspeakable acts of violence, but I imagine we, as a nation, need to keep the pressure on. The police brutality simply has to stop. There has to be more consequences for those senseless deaths. There has to be better training, etc...

I’d also love to see major gun control in this country. I would love to see guns banned. Period. But that’s highly unrealistic as this country tragically has a major addiction to their gun culture. Perhaps someday we’ll have some common-sense gun control again such as background checks, and high-capacity magazine and semi-automatic assault weapon bans.

MW : What was it like working with Kenneth Branagh?

BQ : I suggested Kenneth’s play “Public Enemy” to the Irish Arts Center’s Artistic Director at the time, Nye Heron, and was emailing and talking with Kenneth’s assistant quite a lot before setting up a meeting with Kenneth and Nye.

I was flying high that I helped to secure the rights to his play. Kenneth then came to our first read-through, and he came back to see a preview or two. He was an absolute prince, kind, intelligent, caring, witty.

However, this success was so bittersweet because my dad died right before we opened the play, a performance I had dedicated to him before he died (because my dad loved Jimmy Cagney, and the main character of the play was obsessed with Cagney). The play got great reviews and we ran for five months. It was so difficult for me to fully appreciate the success of this show as I was mourning the most devastating loss of my life.

MW : Which "shelved" film appearance of yours should have seen the light of day?

BQ : There’s a provocative film I am in about a racial experiment that is under the radar called, “The Suspect” (2014), which stars Mekhi Phifer, Sterling K. Brown and William Sadler.

By the way, I am currently in three indie films that I’m psyched for the world to see: I play a lead role in “Darcy” which is available (worldwide) to stream on Herflix.com; “The Garden Left Behind” has just landed international distribution, so stay tuned for the release date! And finally, I have an interesting supporting role in a film called “Tahara” which had its world premiere at Slamdance in January and is slated for more film festivals.

MW : What makes a good film/TV critic? Can you name any?

BQ : One that doesn’t give the plot, or too much dialogue away. I often don’t read reviews of films, or television shows, I want to watch because I love going in – not being influenced by another’s opinion. But sometimes, I’ll read reviews afterwards to learn more about the evolution of a film or TV show. I often find myself agreeing with A.O.Scott’s (NY Times) film reviews.

MW : How do you usually prepare for an acting role, and has a character ever taken you over?

BQ : The first thing I do is read the script several times and see what the words are telling me about the character, and how other characters view that person. If it’s a period piece, I research the era or history surrounding the event in the play, or screenplay. Eventually, I forget my research, learn my words and hopefully let the character inhabit me emotionally, physically and psychologically, spiritually etc…and try my best to be fully present with the other actors I’m working with moment-to-moment. Every project is different.

Yes, there were times, I found it difficult to shut off the pain of a character after some performances. Two that come to mind are two intensely emotional theatre roles I performed at the Repertory of St. Louis, Elizabeth Proctor in “The Crucible”, and Agnes in “Bug”.

MW : Is performing on film different to TV as an acting discipline?

BQ : I think it all depends on the style of the film, or television show. With a TV show like Law & Order, it’s formulaic and heightened realism (acting style) and so one makes sure one knows every single word, and hits one’s marks, and if it calls for emoting then one must emote! Some films I’ve done are grittier-kitchen-sink realism. A very minimalistic style of acting.

MW : Has your song-writer husband ever penned a song for you?

BQ : Yes, many….Don (Rosler) primarily writes for and with other artists – on the John Margolis: Christine’s Refrigerator CD, there’s many tunes that speak to many moments within the course of our lives: the title track (altho’ the name was changed), “Scrap of Hope” (a pep talk to me when I was stuck at a temp job I hated), “Here’s Something You Don’t See Every Day” (a wedding reverie that literally started in Don’s mind when I fell asleep on his shoulder), and he wrote an exquisite lyric for Bobby McFerrin’s Grammy-nominated record VOCAbuLarieS, a song called “Brief Eternity”… where his words infuse my love for gardening: “Working in the garden has you... ...Breathing in the bloom and then you View the sunset view to move you Close to truly understanding Life and death but nothing ending Voices living on”…..

MW : Tell me about some of your favourite music...

BQ : My music tastes are pretty eclectic – besides all the indie artists I’ve done publicity for, I love so many styles of music from classical to folk to country but here’s some of my fave artists: Tom Waits, Joni Mitchell, Bob Dylan, Stevie Wonder, Pink, Beyonce, Billie Holiday, Ani DiFranco, Ibeyi, Sinead O’Connor, Prince, Bjork, Leonard Cohen, Kacey Musgraves, K.D. Lang, Laura Mvula, Frank Sinatra, Ray Charles, Billy Bragg, and Randy Newman, among many others.

MW : ...and your favourite films....

BQ : Ohhhhh-so-many faves but a few, in no particular order :

Portrait Of A Lady On Fire (2019)

Parasite (2019)

Secrets & Lies (1996)

Vera Drake (2004)

Pain And Glory (2019)

Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind (2004)

BlacKkKlansman (2018)

A Fantastic Woman (2017)

Babette’s Feast (1987)

Coco (2017)

To Kill A Mockingbird (1962)

Nights of Cabiria (1957)

The 400 Blows (1959)

12 Years A Slave (2013)

Jean de Florette (1986)

Trees Lounge (1996)

My Left Foot (1989)

In America (2002) (I know I’m biased but still…such a beautiful film)!

Annie Hall (1977)

My Beautiful Laundrette (1985)

My Brilliant Career (1979)

And I also love documentaries and a ton of old movies from the 1930’s and 1940’s, such as The Lady Eve (1941).

MW : ...plus your favourite books....

BQ : I’m currently reading this years New York Times Bestseller American Dirt by Jeanine Cummins (it’s excellent!).

Some of my all-time faves are :

Of Human Bondage ~ W. Somerset Maugham (1915)

A Confederacy Of Dunces ~ John Kennedy Toole (1980)

Angela’s Ashes ~ Frank McCourt (1996)

The Grapes Of Wrath ~ John Steinbeck (1939)

Lady Chatterley's Lover ~ D.H Lawrence (1960)

Olive Kitteridge ~ Elizabeth Strout (2008)

Americanah ~ Chimanda Ngozi Adichie (2013)

The Feast of Love ~ Charles Baxter (2000)

Everything Here Is Beautiful ~ Mira T. Lee (2008)

An American Tragedy ~ Theodore Dreiser (1925)

Sister Carrie ~ Theodore Dreiser (1900)

Act One ~ Moss Hart (1959)

Born A Crime ~ Trevor Noah (2016)

Wild : From Lost To Found On The Pacific Crest Trail ~ Cheryl Strayed (2012)

MW : You enjoy gardening. How is yours designed and tended to?

BQ : I don’t have my very own garden. I live in NYC and dream of having a country house with a garden of my own one day!

This is the reason I started a side business of urban gardening. My dad was an extraordinary gardener and after he died, I started tending to my mother’s flower gardens. Then I found myself volunteering at a neighborhood garden and that led to me working in other people’s gardens. Primarily small back gardens and some rooftop or balcony gardens.

I specialize in flowers, shrubs and trees and love planting lots of perennials (flowers and plants) with annuals so there’s lots of varying blossoms of different heights and textures, throughout spring, summer and fall.

When possible, if space allows, I also love incorporating foot paths, rock walls, or other elements in gardens – art/birdbaths/benches/statues that might be a sweet focal point but primarily I love the combinations of plants, trees, shrubs and flowers to be the focal points.

MW : Recommend five flowers...that every good garden should have!

BQ : Daffodils - one of the first signs of spring! Muscari (aka grape hyacinths) – the color (blue) is gorgeous, as is the scent. Climbing roses – the beauty and romantic history of roses. Anemone Robustissima (late blooming perennial flower). Lady Ferns (okay not a flower, but I’m a fern freak and I love ferns of all kinds!, but Lady ferns in particular are stunning when they sit beside most flowers or surround trees).

MW : How opinionated are you on current events? Would you like to be more, or less opinionated?

BQ : I’m extremely opinionated on current events but find it difficult to find ways to communicate my thoughts without screaming angrily from the rooftops and then of course not being heard. There are those that say we have an obligation to try to talk sense into people whose viewpoints are much more extreme than one’s own (either extreme conservative or extreme liberal).

I’m very liberal but am more pragmatic when it comes to progress, not perfection, so I’m very happy to enthusiastically vote for someone like Joe Biden or in 2016, Hillary Clinton, but I honestly don’t know how to reach people whose minds are already made up – people who either continue to justify their support for the current racist/narcissist/sexist/pathological liar-in-chief, or that justify their “protest” vote by falsely equivocating both candidates as “the same” or “the lesser of two evils”.

So yeah, I offend people at times because yes, I’m judgmental when it comes to politics and I most definitely believe in the power of protests, but believe just as strongly in the collective power of one’s vote and it drives me insane when others don’t show up and vote for local elections, and national ones.

I find I do hold back on Facebook, not because I’m afraid to voice my opinions but because it becomes too much of a time suck for me.

MW : What character traits frustrate you?

BQ : Impatience (in myself). Aggression (in myself and others).

MW : What’s the kindest thing another person has done for you?

BQ : I find this question so complex to answer. There are so many inexplicable moments in my life, where I’ve been blown away by many seemingly small gestures or kind words from strangers. And professionally, I’ve been truly blessed to work with some top-notch directors that gave me the gift of encouraging me to fully trust my artistic instincts.

When I was a child, my parents were not the type of people who conveyed their love in typically demonstrative ways, in ways that I honestly craved, so on the rare occasions when either one of them did utter something like “We’re proud of you”, or “I love you”, I was very moved by them going past their own comfort zones to express that kind of sentiment!

I’ve had many personal and professional challenges in my life and many of my siblings have been there for me over the years in ways I can’t really articulate without choking up. I also think having the courage to face one’s disagreements and past hurt, which comes with the territory of most friendships and relationships, is an act of kindness that I most value. Those I feel closest to have stuck it through with me by navigating through some painful, complex and messy misunderstandings. I’ll never forget those acts of kindness and generosity.

MW : What have you lost, growing older... and gained?

BQ : My mom died in January, and as I mentioned, my dad died many years ago. Sometimes I feel the depths of that loss – the fact that I don’t have my parents to share the ups and downs of the events of the rest of my life. Of course, I do have them close to my heart and their spirits live on….but damn I miss them! I’ve definitely gained a profound appreciation for them and their influence on me in countless ways.

On a professional level, as an older actress, unfortunately it’s easy to become invisible but I’m not ready to disappear and am joining the fight against ageism! I’m drawn to stories and filmmakers that include women and men of all ages, genders and ethnicities.

Perhaps if enough roles are not forthcoming in the next number of years, I’ll venture into writing and directing at some point.

MW : Where can we find out more / keep in touch?

BQ : Thanks so much, here’s a few links…!

https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0703489/

https://twitter.com/quigdette

https://www.instagram.com/quigdette/

https://www.facebook.com/bernadette.quigley.3

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bernadette_Quigley

https://bernadettequigleymedia.wordpress.com/

https://bernadettetheconstantgardener.wordpress.com/bio/

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paisleywraith · 6 years

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Curses, Curses. Chapter 13

Now that Kyle’s curse has been broken, he intends to find a way to break Kenny’s. No matter that the guy has been dealing with it for years. However long it takes, whatever he encounters, Kyle is determined to stop the universe from trying to boot Kenny off the face of the planet. Even if he has to face it head-on.

“Kenny!” Kyle let him in, fumbling with the locks on the window.

Kenny slipped in easily, immediately getting in Kyle’s face to squish his cheeks between his palms.

“Ken-” Kyle didn’t get much further before Kenny kissed his squished lips. Twice. Three times.

“You’re okay,” Kenny said, thumbs stroking his cheeks. “You’re not in a loop. It’s just Thursday, Ky. Just a normal day.”

Kyle exhaled, closing his eyes. Kenny moved to pull him into a hug, and Kyle went willingly into his arms to melt against him.

Kyle buried his nose in his neck, looping his arms around his waist. This was better. He could feel the terror bleeding away as if it were something tangible. Kenny lovingly traced circles on his spine.

“You didn’t have to sneak into my house,” Kyle murmured, finding himself soothed already. “I was okay.”

Kenny moved to press an exaggerated kiss against his curls. “Come on, I couldn’t go home without checking on you. Gotta make sure you aren’t pining too bad, babe.”

It was a weaker joke than normal, but Kyle still smiled, snuggling against the scrawny teen. In a rash decision fueled by tender affection, he pressed a soft kiss against Kenny’s neck. The blond squeezed him, giggling into his hair. Kyle felt his body relaxing automatically.

This was nice. Like taking a warm bath after a chill.

“C’mere,” Kenny said, pulling Kyle towards the bed. He paused when Kyle staggered, trying to stay in one place, and the redhead didn’t have to look to tell he was smirking. “What’s wrong, Ky? I just thought it might be easier to cuddle on a bed, is all.” He peered down, eyes glittering with mischief. “Unless you were thinking of something else?”

“Shut up,” Kyle said, cheeks pink.

Kenny giggled and flopped down on the bed, playfully yanking Kyle as well. He curled himself around the Jewish boy like a happy octopus, nestling his chin on the top of his head.

Kyle squirmed slightly, trying to shift into a more comfortable position. Kenny didn’t move, only wrapped his arms and legs around him more tightly, making it near impossible to move.

“Am I trapped now?” Kyle asked wryly.

“Forever,” Kenny affirmed cheerfully. “Or just until it’s Friday.”

Kyle snorted.

He was willing to just lay there and close his eyes, rest his worries a little and just let himself be. Kenny was stability, safety. He’d always been a strong part of his life. Trying to remove him had been one of the worst ideas he’d ever had. He kicked himself to think he’d wasted two years of his life. What would they have done if he’d just admitted to Kenny in the first place?

Hands crept ticklishly up his sides, interrupting his thoughts. He gently nudged them away without opening his eyes, thinking it was on accident.

He thought that (in the case that it was reciprocated) it would be weird. This wasn’t. This wasn’t weird at all. Kenny crept into his room to cuddle because Kyle had been frightened and it wasn’t weird. Having Kenny stand at his shoulder or elbow and tease him or fluff his hair wasn’t weird. It was like rather than change their relationship, it simply morphed. As if this were the logical next step.

Kenny shoved his hands under his shirt.

Kyle yelped, slapping a hand over his mouth in fear of his parents hearing. Tickling fingers ran up and down his stomach, sending him choking to keep from laughing. Kenny was laughing, moving to reach again and Kyle sat up quickly and shoved his hands away. Kenny reached again and Kyle grabbed his wrists to the bed.

The shorter boy glared down at him, face flushed. Kenny was smiling up at him, teeth showing in a grin and eyes vivid blue. Kyle’s eyes flit over his face, struggling to remain unaffected. Kenny’s smile was infectious. He had dimples in his cheeks, his grin spread over his entire face and bled into his eyes.

He’d always been cute.

Cute and sweet, and Kyle had kind of overlooked him a lot. Kyle worked in cliques, having a group to work off of and be around. People he preferred. He preferred Stan because…Stan, Cartman he spent a lot of time with because his personality more or less demanded your attention in some way. Kenny…he skipped over.

Until he started growing up. And he watched Kenny smirk when Karen bragged about Christmas or Birthday presents she clearly didn’t get from her parents, watched Kenny bring up the overall mood of the group by simply being there and being lively. He had a loving personality but had a streak in him that liked to fight. And he fought.

Kenny fought off everyone’s expectations for him. He was a surprisingly soft-spoken young man around people he didn’t know, he was even-tempered and chill, he didn’t do drugs or smoke or even drink much. Kenny worked and he went to school and he never seemed to hold a grudge against anyone. Understanding and strong and loving.

Teachers didn’t like Kenny. And he hadn’t been exactly wrong, what he said a while back, his parents would take a lot of convincing to accept Kenneth McCormick as Kyle’s preferred partner. And that had very little to do with the fact he was a boy.

Kyle’s green eyes were steely as he stared down at Kenny.

Why did no one love this boy? Kenny deserved so much and he didn’t get anything. He gave so much and received scorn. Kyle wanted to make sure he received love, ate well, was warm and happy because Kenny deserved every ounce of happiness.

“Kyle?” Kenny’s voice was gentle. His blue eyes were relaxed and he wasn’t fighting Kyle’s hands anymore. “I don’t mind, not in the least, trust me… but you’re literally pinning me to the bed right now.”

Kyle’s face turned red as he let go of Kenny’s wrists. The blond stretched, shirt grazing the hem of his jeans.

“Don’t blush, babe, I like that you’re kinky.”

Kyle smacked a hand over his face, trying to cover his red cheeks. “Don’t ever say that again.”

“The word kinky? Or that you’re kinky?” Kenny was poking him in the side. “Which one was the one that made you embarrassed?”

Kyle fixed him with a glare between his fingers, only to see Kenny’s eyes sparkling. Goddamn it he was such an ass and, unfortunately, so fucking cute.

“I was thinking,” Kyle snapped, pressing his cool hands against his cheeks to try and cool them down.

“Mmn?” Kenny laid back, staring back up at Kyle with half-lidded eyes.

Kyle pressed his lips together. Kenny was willing to listen but he wasn’t sure how much he wanted to say.

“I just appreciate you,” Kyle said quickly. “Is all.” Kenny was watching him with a surprised but soft expression. Gaining strength, Kyle took a moment to consider his words.

“Look, every day I was in the loop, I was miserable unless you were with me. You made it bearable.”

“Ky.” Kenny’s voice was sweet. Kyle kept talking, hand drifting to card through his hair.

“You stuck with me, if I was upset or sad or angry, you stuck around. I pissed you off and you just came back into my room later that night to explain why. So it’s-” Kyle wanted to stop with the schmaltz, but he’d gone too far now. “I-”

Kenny leaned up, supporting himself on an elbow to kiss him, interrupting whatever he was going to say. He kissed Kyle’s nose afterwards, kissing his cheeks along his jaw to his ear until Kyle shrugged off the ticklish kisses with a laugh.

“You’re so nerdy,” Kenny said happily. “Aw, Ky.”

Kyle snorted, trying to shove Kenny back down. “Jerk.”

“What? No,” Kenny flopped back down, reaching for his hand. “I think it’s cute. I’m glad you’re out of the loop, babe.”

Kyle glanced at the clock. Not Friday yet.

“You are,” Kenny said firmly. “Don’t worry.” Kyle still was watching the clock. Kenny pressed Kyle’s hand against his heart. “You’re cute, your curse is broken, and you got me. My popularity has skyrocketed since I started dating you.”

“I’m not popular, Kenny,” Kyle said with a snort. “Who’s raising your popularity?”

“Hey, smart, sweet, sexy?” Kenny waggled his eyebrows. “Hell yeah. I lucked out.”

Kyle’s cheeks heated, but he set his jaw. “Who said I was the sexy one here?”

Kenny squeaked, looking a cross between thrilled and almost afraid. “Did you just actually say sexy?” Another moment passed. “Wait. You think I’m sexy?!”

“I didn’t say that,” Kyle stammered, “Quiet down, it- my parents are home.”

“Right, right,” Kenny moved to fully sit up, still clenching Kyle’s fingers. “Quiet. Am I sexy, Kyle?”

“You’re the one that said sexy,” Kyle rolled his eyes. “I just said I wasn’t.”

“First off, I’m never going to get over hearing you say that,” Kenny looked delighted. “Secondly, you’re sexy. God, you’re sexy, Kyle.”

Kyle was covering his face, but he only was allowed one hand.

“You sexy bastard. Cute hair, green eyes.” Kenny was fighting not to smile and losing. “Sweet legs, nice ass.”

“I’ve been into you since at least Freshman year,” Kyle blurted, looking to distract Kenny with something else. It seemed to work. Kenny’s brows raised.

“Wow, man.” Kenny sounded impressed. “Two years.”

“Two years since I noticed,” Kyle grumbled. “You grew on me.”

Kenny, surprisingly, did not have an innuendo for that. He did look happy, moving Kyle’s hand to rest against his cheek.

Kyle licked his lips. “I’m telling my parents about us dating. I haven’t gotten around to it yet, but…I will. Maybe…you can come over this weekend?”

“Here?” Kenny asked as Kyle ran a thumb over his cheekbone.

“For lunch or something,” Kyle affirmed. “Would you be able to?”

“Yep.” Kenny replied instantly. His eyes were wide. “Just let me know.”

How come no one adored this kid? Excited about having lunch with his family. Cute.

Both boys were quiet. Kyle moved to lay down next to Kenny, instantly drawn back into his arms.

“Thanks for picking up Karen,” Kenny said, muffled into Kyle’s shoulder.

“’Course, Ken.” Kyle murmured.

Kenny was quiet, pressing a soft kiss to his clothed shoulder.

“Want me to pick you guys up for school?”

“…Yes.” Kenny squeezed him, causing Kyle to cough. His poor ribcage.

This wasn’t too fast. Kyle had to calm down. They’d known each other practically their whole lives. He knew Kenny probably better than anyone. Not that that was saying much, but now he had a chance. He had the opportunity to learn everything.

And yes. He was annoyed by Kenny’s dislike of actually talking about shit or how he used humor in every instance, even if it wasn’t warranted. But Kenny had gladly talked to him tonight. Had crept into his room rather than go home and rest just because he knew he was upset. He kept waiting for the bad to hit, kept chalking it up to them not spending enough time with each other or not talking, but...they were happy.

Kyle was happy.

It was comfortable, it was foreign and it was familiar. Kyle never felt uncomfortable around Kenny. They’d be okay. Snuggled into each other on a Colorado winter night, they’d be just fine, curse or questionable futures be damned.

#sp k2 #k2 #kyle x kenny #kenny mccormick #kyle broflovski #PaisleyWrites #cause this is FILLER #but we're almost done now #back to plot I just didn't like having no segway #kept changing how much of the next plot was actually in this #I overthink fucking everything guys idk #It'll be another couple days before the next one is out #I'll have another Queen chap up within the next couple days too #Love y'all be good to yourself tonight

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minchen0897 · 7 years

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Sidecharacters - Batman: Arkham Asylum (Part 2)

@lananiscorner @loxare @phantomchick

Welcome back to the weekly list of ‘guys that happen to be alive to talk to, only to die soon after’! That’s right. For yesterday’s stream we (or well Lanani since she had the controller and stuff) talked to every. single. character (mostly guards, but also some Doctors) there was, and i think one of Lanani’s opening lines was ‘yeah, most of them probably will be dead when we’re done here’ - or something along those lines. It does seem to be true. Warning: (minor i guess) spoiler for Batman: Arkham Asylum, also again a long post (under the cut), and tw: death (who is suprised? I’m not. It’s Joker.)

The first list can be found here

Stream: 08. July 2017

GUARDS WE TALKED TO (who are most likely dead):

‘Arson’ Alan - he was saved by Batman before when Two Face was about to burn half his appartment (building probably) down. Hence the Arson. Fire and stuff.

Louie Green - was actually named like this by the Game itself (or well, the developers yk). Out of Spite we nicknamed him Backup Brian though. Fun Fact: Backup Brian only asks for Backup AFTER Batman tells him that he and his men would be safe there. (...look at the bold line above. Not so funny fact anymore.)

Bragging Brian - he is overconfident and claims that the Island (ARKHAM ISLAND!!) is safe (Again, ARKHAM ISLAND!) and that Joker won’t get through there. I headcanon he is a rookie fresh from whatever academy he is from.

History Hugh - paid attention to the history lessons about Arkham every member of Staff (Guards or others too i guess) have to sit through, and wishes he had not. I headcanon he is older than Bragging Brian; he also sounds more weary/cautious, though maybe that is connected to the history lessons. Both he and Bragging Brian are Guards to the entrance of the old pump station (where 8 workers commited suicide, as Hugh tells us).

Charlie - a sane guy as far as i can tell, who wonders why they are still on the island and that they should leave. He still stays on his assigned position and does his duty instead of running away. I can’t tell if i admire him for that or if i should pity him/be sad in his behalf.

Dog Daniel - because, and i quote: ‘Someone should just put him [the Joker] down like a dog. Stop the Joker once and for all.’

(experienced) Ethan - experienced, because he once spent 30 minutes in front of Joker’s cell and frankly said haid enough of him for, like, forever. Apropros frankly:

Frank - because he is very frank and upfront and honest to Batman, telling him to his face that he did not think the Myth Batman to be true.

Good Luck George - wished Batman good luck; though tbh he tried to save himself with this, because he was very relieved once Batman said that George did not need to go with him (for help or whatever) and George just let out a relieved ‘Good’ and then corrected himself to ‘uh, i mean good luck’

Silent Sam & Silent Shaun - Guards to the (botenical) garden. Silent because Batman can only talk once to them. Headcanon: They are probably pretty stoic.

Inquiering Ike - asking a lot of questions

Joe - concerned about Batman’s health. I wonder if Alfred ever hears about this and just. Let’s his mustache twitch smugly or something because ‘even the Arkham guards worry about your health, Master Wayne.’

Concerned Kenneth - also called Ken or Kenny. He is worried about his pals.

massaker Martin - (i honestly do not know what to write here, sorry)

shocked Nick - he is shocked about the death of his good friend Jackson

Jackson - definitely dead, definitely named by the game (developers), he will be missed (even though nobody has an idea who exactly he was; which is a shame, i think)

Observant Oliver - watching out and giving information. He also says that 15$ per hour are not enough payment for situations like this (referring to the Joker and his breaking out and Blackgate inmates)

Gordon - first name is still up for debate; the name was chosen because this guard was used as Commissioner Gordon. Or. Well soemthing like that; it was more like Bruce/Batman was under fear gas influence and thought this dead guard was the Commish. For the extra dose of sad irony we agreed to call this dead guard (who was exactly that when Batman got out of the fear halluzinations) Gordon too.

as stated before, all of these guards are probably dead.

DOCTORS (because it is Arkham, and what would Arkham be without it’s Doctors):

Doctor Fine and Doctor Howard - we never saw their bodies, but i think they are dead. Why else would Joker announce their names through the speaker system.

Doctor Kellerman - he waas saved together with Aaron Cash by Batman from a death by laughing gas

Doctor Adrian Chen - he was used as a bait for Batman to lure him into a trap; poor doc was strapped to...i will call it a dentist chair because i have no idea how these things are called.

Doctor Cassidy - uh. Not much to tell about this woman yet, sorry.

Doctor Penelope ‘Penny’ Young - she is actually the head of research in Arkham and seems to be a sorta important character, so i am not sure if she really belongs on this list. Joker has/had interest in her research (about Venom™) and she is rather urgent in getting her research notes back. She also basically confirms that the Docs really do experiments on the inmates.

There are also three other unnamed Doctors, but since they are unnamed, i can not really tell anything about them.

OTHER SIDECHARACTERS who are neither Guard nor Doctor, obviously:

Razor - one of Joker’s henchmen who apparently continuously gets fucked over by his employer (tbh, no surprise there, since the employer is Joker.) I think he is still alive, but unconscious, due to a dose of laughing gas

Johnny K. - another one of Joker’s henchmen; he is actually only mentioned and apparently was killed (or something like that) a while back during or after an incident at the train station. This definitely sounds like a noodle incident to me.

Batmobile - it bravely sacrificed itself to save Batman from being broken (literally) into halfes by Bane, as it drove fearlessly against Bane and took him with it down into the sea (yes, it crashed into Bane and then crashed them into the water. Though it was because Batman gave the instructions to do so) A brave, fearless warrior who will be dearly missed. Sniff.

Now for some interesting things we learned throughout the stream:

the Guards are pretty chill with Batman/Bruce running around, exploding things with his explosive gel. Well done.

Arkham Asylum has room for 500 patients (500 beds), and they treated children. Keep in mind that Doc Young confirmed that they experimented on their inmates, claiming that the experiments were a way to cure the inmates’ (mental) illnesses.

Bane has a sad backstory.

Nigma’s childhood was not nice at all, but (sorta headcanon???) he would be a very protective dad?? i don’t know. He had a Doctor answer one of his riddles (who walks on 4,2,3 legs) and she answers with the normal answer (a human - baby, grown up, grand...people with a walking stick) and he says she is wrong because the answer is ‘a baby, because it crawls on all 4, when cut two limbs it moves on two, when given a crane it moves on 3′, and when the doc asks him how he could do that and if he does not care at all he answeres that he doesn’t care, because it is not his baby. (I honestly don’t know what to make of this)

Joker calls laughing gas ‘Happy Gas’

Commissioner Gordon uses the Tobacco ‘Wild Country’ and has like. 30 kg or something on his person at all times because the amount he deliberately lost to give Batman a lead where to find them is...big. I don’t want to know how much he pays for all the tobacco.

SO. That’s it for today/yesterday’s stream. We met a lot of people :D Thanks to Lanani (again) for streaming, i had fun and look forward to next week :D

#Sidecharacters #Part 2 #Batman: Arkham Asylum #Lanani's Stream #sorry for the delay i kinda needed sleep ^^°

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xanapus · 6 years

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People like to play games on Facebook, like let’s set up a thing where we recommend a book for 7 days, and each day we recommend a book, we also nominate someone to also recommend books and we keep this going FOREVER UNTIL THE END OF TIME! LOL

So I thought ok, this is actually fun, so I did it and I’ve already finished my 7th day, but I thought it would be fun to also come here and recommend each one of those books because why not?

1. The complete Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling

I recommend this every time because these books are so easy to read, and they make you feel smart for reading books. I wasn’t a reader at all until I was in my early to mid 30’s, and I decided it was my New Years Resolution to start reading, and I did and this was the first major series I read from beginning to end without stopping. I literally sat on my bed reading these books for 8 hours at a time. Wild horses couldn’t tear me away from these books. Anyway, I guess you could say I like them, otherwise they wouldn’t be my #1 book.

2. A Spell for Chameleon by Piers Anthony

My friend Alyce recommended this series to me in 2009. Everything in these books are a pun or a joke. Like if they mention rolling hills, the hills are literally rolling. If they mention a sandwich bush, the bush is literally growing sandwiches. Take everything literal in this series.

There are now 41 books in the series, yes, he is still publishing new books. The first book A Spell for Chameleon was published in 1977 and the 41st book Ghost Writer in the Sky was published in 2017.

Trust me when I say you will not be disappointed in this series.

3. My Heart is Within You by Marguerite Labbe

I discovered a website called Rainbow eBooks in 2010 and one of the first books I saw advertised on the front page was My Heart is Within You. It’s a vampire story, and I do love vampire stories, but it’s not just any vampire, it’s a gay vampire who falls in love with a college jock, because, why not? Anyway, it’s a good story. There are 3 books in what is referred to a Triquetra Trilogy. This is also the first series where I occasionally had to stop reading because the writing gave me a um… how do I put this politely… a reason to go to take a cold shower. The sex scenes are um… juicy. Marguerite Labbe is the first straight woman to ever give me a boner with her writing. Well, so much for being polite.

4. Dead Until Dark by Charlaine Harris

I watched and loved the True Blood series on HBO, and just like most everything, this show was based on a series of books called the Sookie Stackhouse series. I was very shocked to see that there were so many differences in the books from the series. I mean, obviously they cannot make a tv show verbatim to the book, but they were almost like they were two completely separate worlds altogether, like an alternate universe if you will where Lafayette is dead after the first book, but he’s still alive in the series, and where Elvis is alive in the books and he’s called Vampire Bubba, but there’s absolutely no mention of him in the series because he doesn’t seem to exist. Thing’s like that. Anyway, if you loved the series, read the books and you will see what I’m talking about.

5. The Belgariad by David Eddings

When I visited my Aunt Louise in Texas for Christmas in 2005, we spoke about how I loved to read now, and she recommended these books to me. To me, these books are very similar to the Lord of the Ring’s, but it seems to be more like a Dungeon’s & Dragon’s type of story, which is what I like.

I’m not gonna lie, the first book Pawn of Prophecy is really hard to read at first, but once you get started, you will be able to read it all the way through, and it might even be difficult to put it down. I bought the Belgariad Volume 1 and 2 and so far I’ve only read the first book, but I will be getting back to reading them because I did like the first book.

6. Cirque Du Freak: A Living Nightmare by Darren Shan

I saw the movie Cirque Du Freak The Vampire’s Assistant, and I thought it was a really good movie, I mean that’s on my top 10 movies too. But the books are 100% better. There are 12 books in the series and they take you on the complete journey of this character and his friends. You are there with Darren every step of the way, and in your mind, you are one of his companions in his journey.

The movie jumps from scene to scene really fast, blink and you might miss something, the books take things a bit slower and you get more details that you never got to see in the movie.

7. V: The Original Miniseries by Kenneth Johnson and A.C. Crispin

When V The Original Miniseries aired in the early 1980’s, I watched it with my family. Most of my family didn’t really care for it, but for some odd reason it really brought me and my mother closer together when it became a weekly series. We watched it every week, just her and I and the rest of the family watched whatever else was on TV in the other room, whatever that might have been. It was probably something sappy like Dallas or Dynasty lol.

Anyway, when I discovered there was a book, I asked my mother for it and she bought it for me and I think I only read half of the book. I had a lot of trouble reading because of my dyslexia, but I got as far as I could and I was very proud of myself. I bought that book again at a book store in 2005 and I still have it.

This is a new cover for the Nook ebook and the listing says that the V novel is finally back in print, with an all-new, never-before-seen revised ending. So that’s why I bought the Nook version. There is another Nook ebook called V: The Second Generation

Those are my 7 days worth of books, or series of books, that should keep you busy for a long time lol. I have a few more honorary mentions, I’ll just post the picture. Anyway, thanks for reading my blog post, happy book reading.

Recommended Books People like to play games on Facebook, like let's set up a thing where we recommend a book for 7 days, and each day we recommend a book, we also nominate someone to also recommend books and we keep this going FOREVER UNTIL THE END OF TIME!

#books #reading

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sherristockman · 6 years

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‘Primal Fitness’ Tips That Can Transform Your Health Dr. Mercola By Dr. Mercola The secret to lifelong health and peak performance is modeling the lifestyle behaviors of our hunter gatherer ancestors — the so-called Paleolithic approach. Mark Sisson, founder of the popular website Mark’s Daily Apple and a leader in the paleo movement, was one of the first to help me understand the importance of burning fat for fuel. This is also the topic of his book, “The Keto Reset Diet: Reboot Your Metabolism in 21 Days and Burn Fat Forever.” Mark is an accomplished elite athlete, and has been featured on the cover of Runner’s World Magazine three times. In the past, it was widely believed that the more aerobic activity (such as long-distance running) you did, the better it was for your heart. The aerobic trend — which captured both Mark and me — was largely catalyzed by Dr. Kenneth Cooper’s book “Aerobics,” published in 1968. In more recent years, fitness researchers have largely demolished this idea, showing this kind of exercise may actually do more harm than good, especially to your heart, and that intense but short, intermittent bursts of exercise are not only safer but actually far more effective. Fit as a Fiddle, Yet Falling Apart Mark became an accomplished runner early in life, placing fifth in the U.S. National Championships in 1980. He also qualified for the Olympic trials marathon that same year. When overtraining led to injury, he transitioned over to triathlons, and for a couple of years was one of the top triathletes in the U.S., placing fourth at Iron Man in Hawaii in 1982. At that point, his body had taken a significant beating, not just from overtraining but also from excess carbohydrate consumption. “I was so beat up from the diet that was required to fuel all those miles,” he says. [W]hen Robert Haas's book ‘Eat to Win’ came out … it was all about the carbohydrates. There wasn't a carbohydrate I did not love and slam down, from pizza and pasta to beer and cakes. I was falling apart. I was a picture of fitness on the outside … but on the inside, I had arthritis, I had tendonitis throughout my body, I had overuse injuries, I had irritable bowel syndrome that ran my life. I had upper respiratory tract infections six or eight times a year. It was like, ‘Wait a minute. Cooper said I was going to be healthy doing all this stuff, and now I'm literally falling apart.’ I retired … I was over all the pain and suffering I was putting myself through, just to be able to say I won a medal at a race, and ‘Oh by the way, I'm still not very healthy,’ and dedicated the rest of my life to researching ways in which to be strong and lean and fit and healthy with the least amount of pain, suffering, sacrifice, discipline, calorie counting, portion control, and all that other stuff that we talk about.” What Does It Take to Get Fit? All of that research and experimentation eventually resulted in the creation of Mark’s Daily Apple, along with eight books on fitness and diet, starting with “The Primal Blueprint.” Today, Mark favors fitness routines that mimic ancestral movement patterns, such as high-intensity interval training. Ultimate Frisbee is a favorite pastime, as is paddle boarding. Mark also stresses the importance of exercise recovery, saying: “If you're into this for the performance, then you must of necessity recognize that the less time you spend injured, the better … You must recognize that it is the rest period where all the gains come. The tendency is to … over train in endurance activities … I put in over 100 miles a week for seven years … [T]he endorphin rush — that true runner's high that people get — it exists. It is a morphine-like substance your body produces. Unfortunately, it's because your body thinks you're killing yourself that it produces this. [So] be very specific about what it is you're trying to accomplish. If you want to build aerobic capacity, you don't do that by running your heart rate at 80 to 85 percent of your max every single day … If you want to build aerobic capacity, you have to be good at burning fat, which means lower level aerobic activity … A heart rate of 180 minus your age would be your maximum heart rate for training in the aerobic zone, which is much lower than people assumed even 10 years ago, let alone 20 or 30 years ago when I was running … [T]hat's the [heart] rate at which you burn the most amount of fat and tap into your glycogen the least. To develop that scale of burning fat aerobically, you have to keep a limit on it for a while, while the body increases the mitochondria, increases the capillary profusion to feed the mitochondria. That's one of the things that I would really [advise you to] pay attention to … [Y]ou wouldn't go to the gym and do 300 sets of 50 pound curls every single day just because you wanted bigger biceps. You recognize you have to give your arms rest [and recovery]. That same principle applies to the cardiac muscle … I wrote a book called ‘Primal Endurance,’ which is about how to train for endurance activities; understanding the physiology of the cardiac muscle and mitochondria and so on, and taking advantage of the methods that are optimal for achieving an increase in performance.” The Importance of Strength Training At 65 years of age, Mark is formidably fit with a physique far younger men would envy. He’s a living testament to the fact that his strategies work, and they do not include long-distance running. In fact, he stopped running altogether 15 years ago. “I weigh 28 pounds more now than when I was a runner,” he says. “I have the same body fat level; I just have more muscle mass, because I only lift [weights] and I only sprint.” In other words, he converted from being a predominantly endurance athlete to a predominantly strength and speed athlete, and his physique reflects this. “The issue for people as they age isn't a loss of aerobic capacity, it's a loss of metabolic capacity and metabolic flexibility that comes with lean muscle mass. The best thing that somebody over 45 can do is start lifting weights rather than choosing to run. Ideally, you do both, but the standard incremental loss of aerobic capacity on a year to year basis after the age of 35 is 1 percent a year. The standard loss of strength is 2 percent a year if you don't do anything about it. You have much more to lose if you don't work out in terms of losing vital capacity … People don't really die of old age. They die of organ failure … When you build muscle … the fact that you're doing the work causes your heart to pump harder, causes your lungs to breathe in more fully … causes your liver to create more substrate and clear more toxins, causes all of these other organs to have to function to keep up with the demands of having this metabolically challenging tissue that is burning calories. To the extent that you maintain that muscle mass and maintain some mobility, your bones stay stronger, your heart stays stronger, your lungs stay stronger. Conversely, if you stop, atrophy sets in.” Mark’s Fitness Regimen As for his own fitness regimen, Mark: • Goes to the gym twice a week, where he does bodyweight exercises such as pullups, pushups, dips, squats and lunges. • Rides on a stationary bike once a week for 30 to 40 minutes, maintaining his max heart rate of 115 (180 minus 65). • Plays Ultimate Frisbee once a week for two hours, which he calls “the highlight” of his week. He’s been doing it for 14 years. “It's the greatest game ever invented,” he says. “Any school that lost their funding for PE, if they could invest $10 in a Frisbee and have a grassy place, it's the perfect game and learning experience for any kid in terms of camaraderie, sportsmanship and … hand-eye coordination.” You’re also moving and reaching your body in all directions, which only becomes more important with age. If you’re interested in giving this a go, do an online search for “Ultimate Frisbee groups” in your local area, or start your own group. “It’s just running and catching. It’s easy to learn, and it’s fun to play at all levels,” Mark says. • Does cold thermogenesis on a nightly basis. After soaking in his Jacuzzi, he’ll spend about two minutes in his pool where the water temperature is in the high 40s to low 50s. He does this just before bedtime, which helps him “sleep like a baby.” Maintaining Mobility Is Key for Healthy Aging Maintaining your mobility is of paramount importance as you age. When you lose your ability to move around unaided, it’s all downhill from there. Tai Chi and Qigong can be particularly helpful if you’re elderly and cannot run around catching Frisbees. Mark also recommends collagen supplementation to keep your tendons, ligaments, cartilage and joints strong and supple. “It's all the stuff that doesn't have a blood supply that we don't necessarily feed well,” he says. “We don't give the body the raw materials to rebuild from a stressful event. I've become the world's biggest fan of collagen supplementation. I do 20 to 30 grams a day.” Bear in mind that many collagen supplements are sourced from animals raised in concentrated animal feeding operations, which raises the likelihood of it containing unwanted contaminants, so make sure the product you’re buying is certified organic and grass fed. Like me, he’s also a proponent of exercising in a fasted state, but on days when he’s doing a strenuous weight-bearing workout, he will take a collagen supplement beforehand. “What we're trying to do when we're fasted is to go into that workout promoting fat burning. The main thing we're trying to do, especially if we're doing a hard workout in the gym, is to increase human growth hormone and testosterone … That is what gets blunted by drinking a post-workout carbohydrate replenishment drink. I do like to go into my workouts [fasted], and most of [the time] I don't take the supplement beforehand. If I'm going to do a bike ride, I don't need to do the supplement beforehand. If it's a lifting workout or … a paddling workout where I'm really going to dig hard and stress my shoulders, I want to have those peptides there for reconstruction — not for energy.” Healthy Lifestyle Basics Oftentimes, some of the easiest, most basic lifestyle strategies are the most powerful. Two of Mark’s top tips include optimizing your vitamin D and intermittently fasting. Aside from drinking a cup of black coffee in the morning, Mark eats just two meals a day, between 1 and 7 p.m. “It’s uncanny how little food it takes to keep me thriving,” he says. “That's been my biggest epiphany over the past five years.” Indeed, most people simply eat too much, and too often, and an overriding reason for this is because they’ve lost the metabolic flexibility to efficiently burn fat for fuel, and are running on carbs all the time. Since carbohydrates burn much faster than fat, you have to continuously keep eating. As noted by Mark: “When you achieve this metabolic flexibility [of being able to burn fat for fuel], which is the end goal of any true beneficial eating strategy … you can extract energy from any substrate that's available. It could be fat on your plate, it could be fat on your body. Could be carbohydrates on your plate, could by glycogen in your muscles. Could be glucose in your bloodstream. Could be ketones produced by your liver. As a last resort, it could be amino acids because there's nothing left, but you can combust those as well. When you become truly metabolically flexible, then your body has this increased ability to draw on, and never really run out of energy, and never really send a signal to the brain that says, ‘We must eat.’ The end result of this metabolic flexibility — which comes largely from restricting carbohydrates and training your body to become really good at burning fat — you get more energy throughout the day and you don't get hungry … If I do get a little bit hungry, my snack would be handful of macadamia nuts, or 2 tablespoons of coconut butter. It takes the edge off and I'm ready to go, no problem.” He also agrees with multiple day water fasting, which I now believe is one of the most profound metabolic interventions you can do to radically improve your health, as it allows your body to upregulate autophagy and mitophagy to remove damaged senescent cells in your body, including premalignant cells. It's also an extremely effective way to shed excess weight and extend your life span. More Information To learn more, check out Mark’s blog on marksdailyapple.com. There you can also find his books, which include “The Primal Blueprint,” “The Primal Connection,” Primal Endurance” and “The 21-Day Total Body Transformation.” If you subscribe to his newsletter you get a free copy if his fitness e-book. His latest book, “The Keto Reset Diet,” is available on Amazon and ketoreset.com. Mark also sells mayonnaise and salad dressings made with avocado oil, available on Amazon and primalkitchen.com. “We're the best-selling mayonnaise on Amazon,” he says. “It's been a fun project, because our mission is to make healthy eating fun and exciting again. I feel like we're achieving that.”

#VitalityPath

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