#the snusband saga continues

[impatentpending]

Elena please do tell us the details of u and ur husbands assasination attempts

Excerpt from the diary of Elena Fatale: 

I woke up with a different snake than usual in my bed.

A black asp, I think.  Sleek and smooth, with fangs sharper than my husband’s tongue when the WASP moms in our society clubs get too many glasses in and start whispering behind their hands about what a loveless marriage ours must be.  They see how he looks at men, and how I don’t look at anyone at all.

It’s funny, how much they think they know about what love can be.

The snake hissed, sliding up and around my leg.  I rolled my eyes and draped it around my shoulders.

“Oh, dear,” Janus said, lounging in a pool of sunlight at the kitchen table, sipping his coffee.  “However could such a dangerous animal have ended up in your bed, dearest?”

"Only four percent of asp bites are fatal, darling,” I said.  “You’ll have to try harder than that.”

He’d made me tea, and I dumped it down the sink without bothering to smell it.  “Whoops.”

“Hm.”  He made a small noise, flipping the newspaper page.  

I grabbed an apple and bit into it, leaning over his shoulder.  “I do hope you aired this thing out.  Tragically, some of the thallium sulfate I had for my research spilled over it.  Inhalation can cause death in a matter of minutes, you know.”

“What is this, amateur hour?”  He snorted.  “I had it decontaminated while you were still having whatever wicked nightmares go though that pretty little head of yours.”

“Oh, husband.”  I kissed his cheek.  “I’d almost regret your tragic upcoming accident, if not for the incredible black dress I’ll get to wear at the funeral.”

He patted my hand.  “And I yours, if I didn’t get to seduce whatever bumbling detective they send in to investigate.”

I unwound the asp from my shoulders, draping her in his lap.  “Take care of your pet, now.”

“I’ve never seen this thing in my life,” he said as she curled around him affectionately.

I walked into my study, deftly dodging the axe that swung at my head as the door opened.  “That’s weak, even for you!” I called over my shoulder.

“Sorry, can’t hear you over the sound of my survivor’s benefits.”

"Maybe old age will do you in before I can, then.”

“You should be so lucky.”

But, no.  I don’t think I would.

I made good progress on Inferno.  With all luck, the manuscript will be finished by the month’s end.

Janus did manage to stumble over the tripwire I put atop the steps, but injured nothing more than his dignity.  Maybe it would’ve been better to put it on a stair leading to cold marble instead of soft carpet, but.  Well.

No matter.

I think I’ll drop some cyanide in his wine tomorrow.

#asks #friendos #sash #i can't believe this of all asks is what got me to write elenus fanfiction #smh #the snusband saga continues #tw murder attempt #tw snake #tw poison #tw injury #tw alcohol #sometimes true love is an ace writer and a gay snake who are married for idk reasons and pretend to try to murder each other for the money #and that's valid #'elena fatale' is a reference to that who framed roger rabbit au someone wrote of me btw

[impatentpending]

Hello problematic human. How fares the snusband today

all assassination attempts on each other have failed so far, and he continues to hog the bathroom.  Furthermore, continues to be the love of my life.

#the snusband saga continues #asks #tw murder mention #just projecting myself into the parallel universe where janus and i are living in a big fancy manor and trying to kill each other for the #inheritance; drinking wine and lounging around in our evening wear all day #sigh #tw alcohol #janus sanders

[impatentpending]

I think im very funny

@sashootkahoot​ I think you’re funny too

#janus i can't believe you're cheating on me #death to you #the snusband saga continues #janus sanders #friendos #submission #sash

[impatentpending]

(I’m probably gonna send these every day now lol please don’t hate me for my weirdness) You come home to find Janus slowdancing with his shadow. This is not too odd of an occurrence, but what is odd is the dark purple figure hanging from the ceiling and glaring at you. “Oh, hello, darling,” Janus says. “Ignore Virgil. He’s in a terrible mood today.” Virgil hisses at Janus menacingly, but Janus just laughs and dips his shadow extravagantly. You sigh and fetch some wine. It’s going to be necessary

(please continue to send these every day i adore them)

also dang,, can’t believe we’ve adopted an eldrich horror child

#asks #edwinya #the snusband saga continues #janus sanders #virgil sanders

[impatentpending]

ah I see so you and your snusband are married for tax reasons? for the sake of platonic love? so that people won't bug you at family gatherings? some other reason or a mix of them? -Vibe

sometimes true love is an asexual Latina and a gay snake man and that’s okay

sometimes true love is occasionally dropping poison in each others wine because neither of you signed a prenup and you enjoy The Drama and that’s okay

sometimes true love is wearing evening wear and judging people together and that’s okay

#the snusband lore is growing unexpectedly deep #the snusband saga continues #vibe anon

[impatentpending]

Janus holds up his flute of champagne. “A toast,” he says, “for the end of an era.” / You smile sweetly and clink your flute with his before casually dumping it in the sink. “Nice try,” you say. “Did you think I wouldn’t notice you tampering with the bottle?” / Janus sighs. “You’re absolutely insufferable, darling,” he complains. / “Isn’t that the reason you married me?”

He’s already stolen the antidote for the poison I dropped into his glass, but I don’t quite mind

#asks #edwina i appreciate you specifically #janus sanders #the snusband saga continues #tw poison #tw alcohol

[impatentpending]

snife I love it even more

snusband or snife,,,, still luv of my life,,,,

#didn't mean to make it rhyme but i'm not backing down #asks #the snusband saga continues

[impatentpending]

Janus is sulking. He manages to do it in his elegant, highbrow way, but you can tell that he’s this close to full-on pouting. “Elena, my darling,” he nearly snarls, “how DARE you characterize me as a villain?” / “You literally just tried to kill me in my sleep.” / “It’s my love language.” / “Silly dear,” you say. He is definitely pouting. “Don’t you know that this was before I knew you well? You’re only unsympathetic to the anons who accuse me of being a Remus kinnie.” / “True enough, my love.”

“It’s my love language” i’m–

#asks #the snusband saga continues #edwina you've outdone yourself #i /cackled/ #edwinya #janus sanders #janus voice: i don't sulk; dear; I /brood/. much more refined.

[impatentpending]

It’s midnight, and Janus still hasn’t died. You slipped enough poison into his wine for him to have perished by now, but there he is, lounging on your bed in his silk dressing gown with a smirk on his face. “Nice try, Elena,” he says, taking a sip from his wineglass.

e-eldritch abomination snusband?????

i love it

#i can be married to a little otherworldly horror #as a treat #asks #edwinya #thank you edwina for once again doing The Best #the snusband saga continues #janus sanders

[impatentpending]

I have looked at the word 'husband' about 4 times today, and twice yesterday.

Every.

Single time.

I have read it as 'snusband' and momentarily got mentally yeeted into the abyss of human bluescreen and back.

I can't quite tell if I am mad or not yet.

accept the snusband agenda into your heart,,, revel in the knowledge of our holy matrimony,,, let the power of the snusband flow through you,,,,

#asks #anon #so happy to have ruined such a common place word for so many people <3 #the snusband saga continues

[impatentpending]

@lady-edwina (I tried to send this via an ask but it was too long...)

Eventually, everyone just accepts the fact that that you’re a vampire now. Janus even brings you . . . gifts.

You’re not sure where or how he obtains the blood. Honestly, you would rather not know, for legal reasons. You cannot help but feel a little hurt that none of the blood has been poisoned yet, but it’s the thought that counts.

You peer at Janus’s most recent offering, sniffing it delicately.

“Orca blood?” you ask. “Really? I’m not in a Twilight novel, love.”

Janus’s face darkens, and he tosses the blood out, brooding the rest of the day.

That night, Virgil crawls into bed with you and shows you Janus’s search history, his eyes shifting back and forth with utmost suspicion. The most recent query is whether orca blood is deadly for vampires.

You laugh and kiss Virgil’s cheek, laughing at the expression of disgust on the eldritch horror child’s face.

You knew Janus’s love hadn’t died. Heaven forbid a day come when he no longer tries to kill you.

#edwina.... oh my dear friend edwina........... #i adore this beyond all measure #you are a lady amongst peasants #thus the name #lady-edwina #also thank you i'm so glad i'm a sexy vampire lady now #the snusband saga continues #janus sanders #virgil sanders #elena fatale #submission

[impatentpending]

You and your snusband clearly have a platonic marriage with snuggles and cuddles and a mutual Agreement Concerning Respective Queerness

yes, you get it

#some times you get married to someone so y'all can wear fancy outfits drink wine and judge people together and that's okay #asks #edwinya #the snusband saga continues

[impatentpending]

Janus lies flat on his back on the couch, a dazed expression on his usually sly face. His hand cups his neck, where two tiny fang marks mar his skin, blood trickling slowly down his neck. “You could have just asked,” he gasps before fainting. In your defense, you didn’t know you had become a vampire. By the time you figured it out, you were already sucking his blood. / “You realize you have eldritch blood in you now, right?” Virgil asks. You sigh. It was bound to happen eventually.

sometimes true love is a vampire and her eldritch abomination snusband

#sorry snusband but honestly that's on you for marrying me #asks #edwinya #the snusband saga continues #edwina i once again thank you for this glorious contribution to the snusband agenda #janus sanders #virgil sanders

[impatentpending]

Every day I open this app.....every day I see the terrible asks your followers send.......when will the sn*sb*nd madness end............ /j

never..... The People have spoken.........  elenanus is the superior ship..........

#asks #friendos #aj #it's the censoring of snusband that really gets me here #the snusband saga continues

[impatentpending]

Ma'am, are you aware your snusband is gay?

are you aware he’s a trust fund baby

#/j #he's gay... i'm a distinguished ace..... we make it work #dw nothing stands in the way of true love #my snusband #the snusband saga continues

[impatentpending]

I must say, ms Patentpending, your snusband story is exquisite, and the dynamic is fantastic. I'm trying to sounds all composed but my brain just went beisbajsbwisbwia from happiness when I was reading it and was wondering if it was a one-off thing or if you plan to post more a bit at a time. (Also I love your blog theme!!! It's so pretty!!)

Thank you very kindly, ms xaimedraws!  A friend pointed out to me that the dynamic is basically this video, and I find I can’t disagree.  I certainly haven’t planned more, but have no qualms about posting some if/when the inspiration (or demand) grows

(and thank you!)

#asks #xaimedraws #the snusband saga continues