#the universe wants me to take care of myself

[desifleabag]

I am a hypocrite

I share stories and poems of love with people I will never meet,

Yet I find it difficult to stand beside the bride and groom, watching them get married

With a face of utter disappointment and hate.

Why did she get married? Why does she want to have kids?

I love families who genuinely take care of each other,

So I tell her mother, "I am jealous you have such a sweet family."

My friend smacks me and reminds me, over tea, how I speak of not wanting a family.

I love roses, and it's the only metaphor of love I contemplate to write.

I bought roses from the street and threw them away,

Maybe because I am distant with the idea of love,

Or because I have deprived myself of love every single time it knocked on my door.

I tell my friends I want to sleep alone.

When I do, I find my teddy bear hugging me,

While my friends watch "Friends," Ross hugging Rachel.

My tears dry, and no one removes my specs or puts a blanket on me.

Oh yes, I locked the door, just like I locked my heart.

I hate my parents, not because of the way they treat me, but the choices they made in their life.

I don't save the last scoop of ice cream for my mother,

I don't call my dad to come for dinner.

Yet, I clean the kitchen and wait for my dad while reading a book.

I told the universe that I hate him,

I will never love him.

Yet, I choose to keep his contact in my phone,

Text him every last week of the month.

I didn't stop cutting cake on his birthday,

Though he lives in the same continent and hates celebrating birthdays.

I whisper, "This is the last time," but I behave as if it's my first time embracing him.

I keep shouting at my sister, calling her a trash bag.

But while buying a flower for myself,

I will buy one more flower for her.

If I buy a T-shirt for myself,

I will purchase a bigger size so we both can wear it.

I keep complaining about the relationship I have with winter.

But when it arrives, I buy myself a cardigan,

Make hot chocolate, have tea, and do bonfires,

With a stack of medicines.

Yes, I am over my friendship breakup.

I hated them with my heart, mind, and soul.

It's been months and months,

But I still keep them in my prayers and wonder how they are doing.

Do they think about me? Oh! Forget it, they don't!

The hypocrite in me and the lover in me,

For the things I hate and love at the same time.

I will never understand or articulate.

I am not yellow, but I am grey.

#poem written by me #desiblr #desi shit posting #desi #desi academia #dear diary #poems #poetries #short essay #spilled poetry #spotify

[blake-allykat]

Birthday Tarot/Oracle Cards

Today is my birthday, and I recently got some new tarot/oracle card decks, so I decided to pull some cards and see what this next year of life has in store for me. I go back and forth sometimes about how much I believe in tarot and oracle cards, but this one was creepily accurate.

Here are all four cards I pulled. From top, moving clockwise, the decks I used are:

Animal Totem Tarot by Leeza Robertson

Fantasy Cats Oracle by Paolo Barbieri

The Oracle by Calm Club

The Spirit Animal Oracle by Colette Baron Reid

First card I asked "What is the theme of this year?" and pulled the Page of Wands, which is the Salamander. This card is about harnessing the creative energy of inspiration. Now is not the time for mastery, but for discovery and exploration. New adventures and experiences are coming, but I need to be careful not to burn out. This is the first step in the journey, so I need to be patient and kind to myself. Remember to take time for myself and stop and rest when needed.

The second card I asked "What do I need to focus on this year?" and pulled Grooming. This confused me at first, because I thought it meant actually physical grooming. But it's more about self-care. "Pamper yourself and treat yourself as gently as you would a child." The only thing that matters now is personal comfort and self-care. I should make myself the priority. I need no one’s approval or permission. Work at the surface and move deeper at my own pace and private comfort zone. I know what is best for me. My body is my best friend, my temple, and my soul’s resting place. I must treat it with respect and spoil it frequently.

For the third card I asked "What do I need to be aware of?" and pulled the Mountain. This card gives questions I should ask myself. Do I feel as big and strong as a mountain? How can I elevate my intentions? Where am I in my climb?

This final card came after asking "Who is guiding me?" and I pulled the Fox. This card was actually very persistent. It was the first card I saw when I removed the deck from its box. While shuffling, I asked the question and a stack of about ten cards fell out. I said that was too many to be guiding me and put them back, but the fox was the first card in that group. I kept shuffling and the same thing happened, with the fox again being on top of the group that fell out. So clearly the fox wants to be heard.

This card says to let this clever spirit draw out my creativity as I adjust to rapidly changing circumstances with "resilience, grace, and astuteness." I should be attuned to what is happening within me and around me so that my quick thinking and creativity can lead me to better relationships and situations. This is a time for swift action of the mind, a time to think outside the box and notice the many ways in which I might make a move, aware of my surroundings and always clear on what I deserve and wish to co-create.

So yeah...lots about taking care of myself and allowing myself room to be creative. And I'm starting this year on a stress leave after burning out at work. Just yesterday I downloaded a program to help with getting back into writing, and I've been getting back into painting and crafting. Clearly the universe wants me on this path, and who am I to argue?

#tarot cards #oracle cards #tarot reading #the universe wants me to take care of myself #I'm going to listen to it

[rosalesbeausderholle]

Don't know how to do the whole living under capitalism thing anymore sorry...

#liveblogging my life #i feel such an idiot for having such a hard time coping #bc like if i get fired I'll be fine #my parents have two apartments under their names #i will never ever be on the risk of homelessness #and likely not starving either #so like I don't have to have two jobs to make ends meet or whatever #I don't have children to take care of #abd yet this is killing me #post university life is killing me #before even with work i had like a purpose goals #now I'm not even doing anything i care about #I'm just wasting my life so that a company earns more money #under a boss who hates me bc he thinks I slack off (i don't!!!) #but I don't have time for myself #nor motivation to pursue any personal projects #and i end up too tired from work to do anything else #at all #not to mention how hard living with my girlfriend is #like i love her to death but god the constant socialization #it's exhausting #i want to have my room back! #I want to have any sense of control or direction as to how my life is going #and I don't have it anymore #my life is over #it's just work until retirement #no living in different places anymore #no more excitement #just... routine

[silenthillbunni]

🚬🧸🧃🎀

#anyway so yeah im so sick of hating myself. of missing out on things and being too scared to go after things i want when i have the chance #so sick of almost being 25 and having spent almost 6 years alone in my room missing out on life #and my mom and sister might be moving in the not too distant future #so i have to try to get my life together for real now!!! or homelessness will be awaiting me :D #what i will try to do.. is start going to the gym (w my mom so i dont have to deal w the anxiety of an unknown place by myself sksk) #i'll workout 3-5 times a week. every week. i like going to the gym so if i just get started i dont have a doubt i'll not be able to do it #i'll focus on finishing my english class. hopefully in december even if i have the possibility to get it extended a few months #then i'll start my other 4 classes in january #i'll be patient and wait for my ultrasound and get the gallstone situation fixed (latest in january if i need surgery) #(and i have to try to make sure i eat properly so i dont wind up with b12 deficiency... i cant eat anything without pain but i have to..) #also i have an appt at the psychiatric in mid october. and im still waiting on what my healthcare center says. hopefully i can get cbt #if possible i will really really try to apply for jobs as a personal assistant sometime between january-may #if i have a job instead of being on wellfare i will 1) have way more money 2) not feel constabtly anxious abt being rejected and homeless #i'll stop caring abt me being 'old' and a late bloomer. the planet is dying. who cares if im 28 and start university???? #i'll take my time to finish high school. and the thing is i really should get a job before starting higher vocational education #bc the program i want to start i HAVE to have a laptop. and theres no way i can afford that now. cant even save up to it #also need to find and put myself up on waiting lists for student housing/apartments so i can actually move #i hate this city and i need to get the fuck out of here!!!! #but the world is crazy rn and it's super hard to find places to live and find jobs but it's not impossible so i need to try #i cant live like this & i have no idea how tf i'll manage to be a normal person and have a life but i need to try bc what else am i gnna do?

[bluebellhairpin]

She's planning to go to university :) and study art history :)) with museum curation :)))

#it hurts to see other people living your literal dream #especially when they live in the same house as you #and are you younger sister #i get to be stuck at home forever. unable to get a job. taking care of our grandparents and parents. and never have graduated high school. #im never going to get to do what shes doing #literally never #might as well just settle into the fact im doomed to lead a lifeless life of serving others amd never getting to do what i want #couldnt finish school #cant get a job #will never move out of home #no romantic prospects #will never have enough saved to travel anywhere that requires a passport #why am i even living #why am i here #something in the universe just come and kill me now bc heaven knows ill never be strong enough to do it myself #and HURRY UP ABOUT IT #im so sick of this life

[dont-offend-the-bees]

We need better fucking care infrastructure. I should not be trusted with anyone's care ever 💛

#thing is caring for myself? I'm not GREAT at it but i can scrape by #i know my limits i know how much or little i need to survive i know that i can usually more or less bounce back after a tough time #i think if my life fell out from under me i could probably scrape it back even if i wound up doing a lot of couch surfing in the meantime #i genuinely don't know how I'll survive if i have to be fucking sole carer for someone #dad's on his way back now and he's been prescribed antibiotics and hopefully that's that #but at least a couple of times a year there's some shit like this #an awful cough or an infection or a fucking insane choice to like do some diy on the outside of the house standing on the windowsill #he fucking nearly chokes on his food once or twice a week #maybe he's just one of those cockroach type motherfuckers who'll never die no matter how the universe steps on him #but I'm fucking PISSED that he's taking that for granted and won't even sit and fucking talk to me about what happens when his luck runs out #I've been looking after mum alone for what four hours today and I'm already so tired and frustrated i wanna die #i am. a deeply impatient and unsociable creature. #i can be infinitely patient with friends! those are my fave people i chose to have them in my life I'd wait like a fucking mountain for them #mum and i were.... already sort of At Odds before all this started. #i'm the kid she never 100% really wanted and who never really 100% wanted to be here #and now we're stuck together and one day possibly sooner than any of us want it will be. just the two of us. #and i just. i don't know what that looks like. i really don't. #anyway. mental breakdown over hopefullly. #with a bit of luck dad and i actually fucking TALK before the next one #idk man. i never really knew what i wanted to do with my life but i thought I'd have time to figure it out #but maybe I'm just. the unqualified burnout with covid memory damage and a whole ass other human to care for #the exact thing i set out to avoid when i decided never to have kids #anyway. enough oversharing. #thank you anyone who's read my spiralling tag rambles in solidarity i love you #mr. bees speaks

[fieldsofbone]

🌫️

#i’m so miserable in my phd program and there’s no way out. #i can’t quit officially because i don’t know if that’s actually what i want and i don’t want to make any rash decisions #but i’m so depressed and listless and have no interest in doing fuck all on my dissertation #and the clock is ticking for me to reach the next step. finish classes write the prospectus defend the thesis move to the diss defend that #get the degree #the dissertation seems so fucking stupid and small compared to the size of my trauma. #i’m so fucking angry at the university for letting this happen to me for letting him get away with it for so long and for betraying me when #i did everything right to hold him accountable and it still didn’t matter. and now he gets to move on and live his life and i’m stuck. #i’m stuck with ptsd i’m stuck being unable to motivate myself or to care about getting the degree i worked so hard toward #i feel like i’m disappointing everyone #i can’t take a break because if i do i lose my health insurance and the other job i have because that’s contingent on me being enrolled #i can’t keep going or i’m going to go fucking insane #there’s no way out

[sadlazzle]

god i jst want these fucking wisdom teeth out. im in so much pain i can’t even sleep. im exhausted i cant eat properly i cant fucking do anything it hurts too much

#please i just want them out so badly #the whole left side of my face and neck hurts so bad #im on so many painkillers and it takes them like over an hour to take effect every time #im so tired n it hurts i jst can’t do this #im so tired #it’s one fucking thing after the other after the other after the other for fucks sake #im tired of being sick and in pain im ducking tired !!!!!! i want to fucking kill myself #and i mean that. if im dead it won’t hurt anymore will it #sure feels like all this bullshit is the universe telling me i should just kill myself bc it clearly wants me to #ive been out of commission for like three fucking months now #im so tired. I don’t want to do this anymore #i don’t care about Nything it doesn’t matter #i just want to not be in pain anymore and if killing myself will do that then i will consider it seriously #im depressed im hopeless im in so much pain i just want it to stop #i just want it ALL to stop #please #i will slice open my fucking wrists right now if i can guarantee it’ll work. im so fucking done with all of this shit #it’s all pointless. it’s all for suffering and pain and bulls hit and i don’t want it #im tired of always being in pain and depressed and ignored and worthless i just want to be dead. i won’t feel anything the #that’s a win to me #i just don’t know how much longer i can do this #plum.txt #dl #feel free 2 ignore

[nthflower]

They should create a whole new fanfic culture just for me I think.

#i love reading fics about things i enjoy in theory #but i hate going to ao3 its so hard to find something i like #especially when romance or smut is not something i care that much #i want to read about blorbo's best friend's pov of main story or blorbo's university years or blorbos offscreen times imagined type of fics #that doesn't center romance like what blorbos best friend think about their romance life is not something i interested in #oh also i don't like tropes #its sometimes feels like only names and locations changes and story is always same #and most popular tropes or whatever is super lame #anyway whatever dont take me seriously i have some problems with fanfic i cant explain myself well just ranting here

[abyssalpriest]

if i disappear after saying that ive been assassinated no jokes aside if i take that down its not bc i disagree with it, you can still pin it on me as a belief that i think that shit should be said and ill put my whole ass behind it, but saying shit like that has consequences lmfao. also theres a time and a place to bring that up

#ive already. dealt. with enough fucking propagandising royal family members on my fucking ASS this lifetime to last. the rest of #this universe's incarnation. sometimes its better to not get involved which i KNOW is a big part of why the propaganda is rampant #among people who work with ''demons'' but like. no. no race is more superior than other races. hot take i know sorry #ramblings // #honestly tho. im so sick of dealing with the topics of ascending and (''demon'') racial supremacy and fighting jxdaism under the guise #of ''we hate chrxstians tho and thats good!'' bc ''(JEWISH NAME FOR GOD????) is a horrible person he wiped out half his angels!!!!'' #listen i do not care how uncomfortable you are w your species' and peoples' histories you are. leave innocent fucking people and their #concept of the Creator that you dont even understand alone. whats the point in pride in your people if youre only proud of how #your people are Better than another set of people. like. bruh. are you proud of being a (demon) or are you so insecure your only source of #literally describing said propagandising family members lord almighty im gonna stop myself there. #WOW. I DSFJKHDFH. IVE NEVERRRRR SUDDENLY GOTTEN THE URGE TO TALK SHIT ABOUT WAR /AND/ SPILL THINGS PEOPLE #WANT SECRET /AND/ TALK SHIT ABOUT TWISTING KNOWLEDGE TO MAKE YOURSELF LOOK GOOD /AND/ HAD IT DEVOLVE INTO #''even tho im (practically) hindu jxdaism is too fucking important to my family for me to not have OPINIONS about shit'' BEFORE HMM #WEIRD WEIRD unincarnated selves just fucking going AT it. i mean. spilling opinions. cant say they havent gone at it in other #ways too wow no wonder Ardhanarishvara (God as half man half woman) and Shiva and Shakti are super important to me - #NO WONDER THIS CAME AFTER TALKING ABOUT CONSCIOUSNESS AND MIND WHO I SEE AS SHIVA AND SHAKTI #anyway the first post had nothing to do w jxdaism and this topic itself has nothing to do w it i just finally had it click why Certain Peop #calling the things the kings they worship did atrocities of (name) was bothering me SO much. i mean i knew why the rest of it was bothering #me - i mean the NAME bit clicked

[deneveve-is-lost]

I'm the worst because if I find out complete strangers who I follow on social media think something I like is annoying I start thinking I should probably just kill myself and save myself the embarrassment, it's not ideal

#like this is kind of a joke but also not really i hate myself haha #i just think im like disgusting and deserve endless shame and hatred or whatever for being a bit cringe #i hate that its even cringe like why is cringe it makes me happy why can i not just enjoy things without this being an embarrassing trait #still thinking abojt when i went to the queer youth group age 16 and was drawing the crystal gems and some dude comes up to me like #oh you like Steven Universe. 😐 okay. #like yes i like steven universe bitch im a fucking 16 year old autist with a tumblr account and no self esteem what do you want!! #this isnt fucking social media i am literally standing in front of you!!! i am a person!!!! see me as a person!!! please see me as a person! #like thats why i leaned so hardcore into fucking truscum shit and became so fucking grating and insufferable #because i was so cringe and such a fucking trender and i hated it #it made me want to kill myself over and over again i had to prove i was a real man who could take a joke #and wasnt into that cringe tumblr sjw shit i was tough and cool #i also had agoraphobia and couldnt look in the mirror without wanting to do violence to myself #and lay in bed taking codeine only getting up to piss and shit for weeks at a time #but yeah no i was tough and cool and not cringe #not cringe not cringe #i still cant bear it i still hate myself then #i hate myself so much it makes me want to beat the cringe out of me i hate it #i just want to feel okay #i just want to feel like im allowed to be here #and that people ultimately dont care that much if there are some things we dont have in common #but i cant even treat other people that way so #its the fucking shit for me

[lunaechaos]

#i want to be forever gentle. #gentleness but as an act of rebellion #it doesn't cost me anything to be soft and tender and careful to living creatures #even if sometimes i still struggle with it #even if sometimes i still lash out or rage against something or someone #the instant i'm overcome by this immense gentleness #i just go oh #and realize how soft and beautiful the world and the universe really are #how precious people are #how fragile they are #and i think to myself #i really must be tender #it takes such an amount of courage to be it though #to go past the dismissal of little and mundane things #and realize just how incredible everything on this earth is #just how we can touch and change and interact with others' lives through tenderness #through gentleness #and to me this apply to every living creature not just humans #it's like realizing that perhaps this is my first life on this earth #and how endearing everything is #how endearing is to go through daily life with awareness and think that perhaps this is my first time experiencing something #and even if this isn't my first life #as i don't consciously have memories of my past ones i just go about it as if this was my first time #anyways!...

[goldkirk]

geez. I want so badly all the time now to get back in contact with other people and apologize to my relatives and try to explain why I ghost everyone and apologize and explain what I’ll do instead in the future but I cannot even remotely get myself to execute a plan to do that

#i got a lot to apologize to a lot of people for #a lot of kids I’ve let down by not following through on things I said I’d do months ago #and a couple weeks ago #and i found out my birthday is only days away and I don’t want it and I don’t like that and I would rather be unreachable in the Arctic than #consider a birthday right now #i don’t know what I am as a person and I don’t considtently perform or feel the same hour to hour and I haven’t told anyone anything for #months and also I keep avoiding any and all medical care and if someone tried to make me I’d be relieved but also run away #it’s just fucked #I know I’m making rewiring progress but it feels like I’m locked in a claw machine #watching my external shapeshifter self secretly make each of her attempts fail #I’m back to feeling like I’m losing my sanity a lot of the time again #mostly I don’t know where to start. I don’t know where to start. #i thought getting enough sleep every night would unlock more than this #and getting set loose on food and gaining weight for once #and living in a safer place and having my ability to journal start creeping back #I’ve drunk the water I take the meds I build the safety I eat the food I care for the dog I keep myself calm I try to be aware of my body #i do the breath work I do the yoga none of it DOES anything I’m just STUCK #i keep having the same debates and the same sabotage and the same inaction over and over and over again #but if I let go of some control the little kid ‘I’m the center of the universe’ #part of me comes out and makes me go WAY too hard with see-sawing the opposite direction of normal #and it makes people uncomfortable and ends up preventing me from getting taken seriously ANYWAY #raps on head gently. please. i am fucking begging #either shut off the pride for a while so I can get us through the agonizing and mortifying shame stage while I get help or shut off the #self sabotage so I can get help while retaining pride #jesus h Christ #please #I KNOW I DON’T SEE MY OWNSYMPTOM SEVERITY CLEARLY U CAN’T FOOL ME BRAIN #I know what avoidant numbing is!!! i know what unaffected attitude and minimizing and laughing it off are! #I’m not gonna back off this time I NEED TO GET OUT OF DEBT AND INTO HAVING HOBBIES U DUMB BRAIN please for the love of god work with d #*me

[awek-s-archived]

I wish my mom would stop and think before she speaks but at the same time I don’t know if she does think and says hurtful things on purpose or just doesn’t realise at all

#I mentioned sammy is gonna need more hay next week and she was like yeah cuz mom works for the animals (sammy and toto) #and I was like when I start my new degree I’ll get my student loan and I’ll be paying for them entirely so it’s ok #and she got really mad at me for it like snappy and shit and tried to change the subject and claim she never said that #like it happened 10 seconds ago I think I’d remember #anyway like I don’t want to be financially dependent on her but she knows jobs are nonexistent here etc #also she’s the one who wanted to get sammy like I just made a comment abt wanting him and she was like ok we’ll get him. she always says no #when I make jokes abt getting another pet so him being her expense currently is her own fault lol #and when I was at university she never took the dog to the vet. he didn’t have treats ever. etc etc so he wasn’t a huge expense it was just #dog food every couple weeks or once a month #when I came home for uni I dropped all my savings on his vet trips. £200 at a time #bc he was really sick #and I’ve been killing myself w worry ever since I’ve been broke entirely and not able to afford anything bc she brags about how he’s her dog #as well and she doesn’t mind paying for stuff for him but she does bc she shoves it in my face every time she can #idk it’s just a miserable existence to live I wish I wasn’t here #it’s not like she takes care of either of them outside of taking photos for sns or walking toto on weekends #and changing sammys bedding twice #aweks.txt