#the whole situation was so so unfair

[ickypuppi3]

neil doing his whole “respect and responsibility” thing as if neil and susan didn’t leave billy to look after max as if neil and susan don’t leave billy to look after max all the time as if neil and susan weren’t three hours late as if neil didn’t call billy a slur as if neil didn’t hit a seventeen year old billy for ‘not looking after’ a thirteen year old who shouldn’t even be his responsibility in the first place

#the way i just hate neil sm #neil hargrove #billy hargrove #susan mayfield #in that specific scene billy did nothing wrong #it’s not debatable #that was not his fault #every time i remember billy said three hours late it’s like ?? that’s actually fucked #the whole situation was so so unfair #like i hate and love that scene because i hate what happens but it’s gotta be one of my favourite scenes because it’s just so good #it’s actually so well portrayed #so well acted #like it’s so accurate and uncomfortable

[not-poignant]

I'm rereading utb and while i def understand and agree with ef being held accountable for things, at the same time, it seems like everyone is constantly acting as if he's supposed to know how to have a healthy relationship and to cope with his emotions, much less his trauma, without anyone actually explaining or modeling this

Like, everyone constantly brings up the fact that he tried to kill Kadek even once they've acknowledged why and gary is starting a relationship with him while also essentially his prison warden and with how little ef has experienced in the world, especially as a psychologist, gary still not doing anything to help him get better coping skills makes it feel like he's setting him up to fail

Like, temsen is technically correct that ef domestically abused gary but he has literally never seen a non abusive partnership and is literally a prisoner in his current one

Idk, I really love this fic so, so much and thank you for writing it and i don't even need a response or anything, I just get defensive of ef when I'm reading sometimes bc he's trying so, so hard basically all the time and it seems like people acknowledge it sometimes in the moment but then don't give him the tools to make it any easier

Answering this one publicly because I know you're not the only one who feels this way or has felt this way!

Okay firstly, some of this conflict I'm evoking in the reader is intentional. I want people to feel defensive of Efnisien. I want people to think 'hey, hang on a minute.' There's a lot of reasons I want that, including the fact that in reality, most people don't recover from being abusive even after they've been in horrifically abusive situations in a vacuum (i.e. the whole world doesn't suddenly stop and become soft as cotton wool just because you've been abused! If you go and interview a whole bunch of people in jail right now, a lot of those folks (especially those who have done repeated serious crimes) will have experienced horrendous and incredibly unfair amounts of abuse, y'know? It's complicated. Yes, they have a right to heal and a right to support. Some of them probably did some pretty awful crimes as well. *coughs*serial killers*coughs*)

Obviously Efnisien is nowhere near that level, but the dissonance remains. He's certainly tried to murder more than one person. But we root for the person whose perspective we're reading. Still, people do not heal in a comfortable vacuum. In fact, most people are asked to be accountable for bad behaviour usually while suffering terribly. Because most people - unless they're certain kinds of extremely rare people - do bad behaviour because they don't know better and/or they're suffering intensely and it can momentarily feel good or satisfying to make other people hurt too.

That's an extremely hard process for the folks who are in that situation. Anyone who has had to recognise they're being a bully, or being abusive, usually goes through a period of time where they can't just immediately change, and what's expected of them seems impossible.

Now to everything else:

This world is a dystopia. There are things happening which aren't going to feel good when you're reading - systemic issues, issues around unfairness - because it's a dystopia. If those things weren't happening, and people just felt blithely comfortable with the entire world, well, that's not actually what I'm going for. There are times it should feel extremely disturbing to read.

So there are times I want readers to feel like things are unfair. There are times I want them to feel very strongly in one person's defense and only later realise the other person was hurt too. There are times I want them to feel like everyone is being unfair to a character. And times when I want folks to feel like the situation just sucks all round. Like, my intention in amongst the hurt/comfort isn't for things to feel easy or nice all the time, I am absolutely challenging the reader by introducing things that feel uncomfortable.

So when folks like yourself tell me this stuff it's like - yeah! It's a dystopia! And - yeah! Unfair things are definitely happening. This is especially true in the beginning when no one really has a concept of how bad things have been for Efnisien, or that he's an alpha. It remains true because no one is perfect. But it happens less often, that's what makes it feel more jarring as the story goes on. If you're rereading it's going to feel worse in the beginning, that's on purpose. The story is doing its job.

it seems like everyone is constantly acting as if he's supposed to know how to have a healthy relationship and to cope with his emotions

I don't really know what scenes you're specifically referring to here (like, just the first few chapters? The whole story? Temsen's single lecture?), but this is absolutely not the case. I'm going to look at the whole story:

The majority of the time that Efnisien is rude and disrespectful, especially once Efnisien and Gary are living together, Gary mostly ignores him, brushes it off, doesn't react or responds like it's normal dialogue lol. He's not constantly correcting his behaviour and he's not constantly like 'hey rephrase that to be polite' or 'I have feelings too' (maybe he should say the latter sometimes).

Gary is more aware than anyone that he shouldn't be Efnisien's guardian and that he's not a companion. He says this, out loud, to several people, several times. So we know that he knows that the situation isn't great / fair re: Efnisien's care (and frankly his own. Of the two of them, Gary's the one who keeps coming close to potentially dying from the other person's actions).

especially as a psychologist, gary still not doing anything to help him get better coping skills makes it feel like he's setting him up to fail

Gary is not Efnisien's psychologist. And psychologists are not doing their jobs on absolutely everyone, 24/7! This one is so important to remember (both in real life and sometimes in fiction). He's categorically not Efnisien's psychologist and it would be even more toxic if he attempted to be this if they were living together!

Gary being a psychologist is his job in the same way being an artist is a job, it's not specifically relevant to their relationship, except that Gary sometimes has better understanding of the root/s of some behaviours.

Ask any psychologist how they live at home and most of them do not want anything to do with their psychology jobs in their personal life, because they're mentally fatigued/tired from talking to people all day. They are not perfect people, they don't have perfect control over their emotions, they aren't teaching everyone the coping mechanisms they need to survive (this takes a lot of labour! It's exhausting! People can't do that 24 hours a day and stay sane. It gets toxic fast.)

The majority of the time Efnisien has extreme emotional responses, Gary just tends to absorb them, acknowledge them, or actively care for him. It's easy to miss these moments because I'm usually not making you feel conflicted about it.

The times Efnisien has extreme emotional responses and then chooses to repeatedly hurt Gary, there are often extreme emotional responses that follow because you know, that's what Efnisien was aiming for! He was trying to severely hurt someone!

Let's move onto Temsen and Efnisien, because this might be more of what you're thinking of, since Gary almost never holds Efnisien accountable tbh. Temsen is a doctor, and a peak alpha who is a leading educator in academic omega rights and theory. He is the first to deeply understand how young alphas left to get away with their smaller abusive behaviours are the kind of alphas who grow up into rapists, murderers and torturers like Christian in Underline the Blue.

(I just want to add, Christian's own abuse and PTSD is real, I don't think any of us are rushing to hold his hand and pat his head, because we sympathise with Nate more than Christian. But Christian has real pain, and real suffering too. He's a great example of how 'you're still accountable for your behaviour though' at its most extreme).

So, Temsen sees Efnisien's behaviour and he lectures and shuts him down like he would any young alpha who is on a really dangerous path. Even within that, he acknowledges himself - out loud - that it's a complicated situation and the time he comes down on Efnisien the hardest, he says the timing is poor. The majority of the time, he shows Efnisien compassion and care, and listens to his opinions, even when they disagree. He is the first to validate his gender both repeatedly in words, and in hormone and medical support. He's the first to change his approach to Efnisien's medical care when Efnisien calls out his lack of respecting his right to privacy, and he's the first to correct Gary about it when Gary expects Temsen to keep giving him information. He offers pragmatic, compassionate advice about many sensitive subjects in Efnisien's life, his health, his secondary gender, his nesting behaviours. And I would say this is how Temsen actually models better behaviour.

Temsen doesn't expect Efnisien to have all of these skills, but Efnisien has to be told what he's doing wrong and how that's not acceptable behaviour and how he's hurting people, to start learning those skills! Otherwise why would anyone bother? Vindictively hurting other people in moments of rage can feel satisfying for folks who aren't being held accountable.

You say no one is modelling better behaviour to Efnisien so I'm just going to pose some questions that are rhetorical:

How many alphas at HIllview are mounting or torturing Efnisien every day? Does Efnisien have choices in what he eats? Is Efnisien's opinion listened to more and more, especially in matters of his health? Do they care about his pain and offer him painkillers when he's suffering? Are the characters in the story trying to enrich his experiences and help him to become a more mature person by helping him overcome his fears of things like going outside? Are the characters deliberately trying to expand his support network by helping him see new people and lean on them for help, instead of keeping him in a box and forbidding him from seeing anyone? While also taking into account the safety of others?

Are the characters largely gender affirming once they learn more about Efnisien?

Are the characters actively teaching Efnisien social sciences to help him understand more about the world and human rights, which includes his own rights?

Do the characters acknowledge that Hillview isn't an ideal place for Efnisien, just a good place for now?

Do the characters want Efnisien to have a future where he's happier?

Do the characters allow Efnisien to have his emotional responses as long as they're not also abusive responses? For example, is Efnisien allowed to cry, nest, seek comfort, or even be angry, provided he's not being domestically violent? (The answer is yes).

Do the characters to the best of their ability explain things clearly and maintain their own boundaries around Efnisien to remind him that he can also maintain his own boundaries?

Are Efnisien's wishes largely respected where possible? (The answer here is also yes - such as refusing internal exams with Temsen, or having control over what he does most days and how he spends his time etc.)

Can Efnisien see lots of examples of people talking civilly to each other and often with great care, and not being abusive to each other? Can he see alternative forms of conflict resolution, management and repair?

Is Efnisien offered opportunities to repair rifts that he's created himself, after being cruel to someone?

This is just a start, but these people through these behaviours are already role-modelling a ton of better behaviours than anything Efnisien has been exposed to in the past. And we can see that Gary himself role models a lot of these things to Efnisien directly, including apologising frequently and quickly when he realises he's made mistakes. This is how Efnisien learned to apologise! And he literally has thoughts like 'Gary does this / so I guess I should do it too.' That's literally role modelling a behaviour :D

Gary's actually a pretty good role model, and the only reason Efnisien's behaviour starts to improve at Hillview as well as his quality of life is because Gary and Temsen are role modelling these behaviours.

Like, temsen is technically correct that ef domestically abused gary but he has literally never seen a non abusive partnership and is literally a prisoner in his current one

Efnisien isn't literally a prisoner in his current relationship!

I feel like when folks identify really strongly with a character, it's very easy to miss the times when Gary and Temsen for example brainstorm ways for Efnisien not to live with Gary. Aside from at the very beginning, these characters have actually talked about - in the story, in dialogue - options for Efnisien to not live with Gary.

Like they literally talk about making Efnisien a new room in the headquarters and possibly even building him his own building down the track so he doesn't have to be with Gary! As they trust Efnisien more, they offer many options to him. As the story goes on, they are absolutely not forcing Efnisien to stay with Gary, and nor is Gary. Efnisien himself communicates clearly that he would rather live with Gary than be on his own. This is something that gets checked in on, and more than one option is given to him.

Missing this is understandable, it's a long story, but it also means it's not true that Efnisien is a prisoner in that he's being forced to live with Gary. That's only true in the beginning when they literally think he's just a murderer/attempted murderer who's going to kill everyone at Hillview. As the story progresses, it shifts to 'well he's not a murderer, what are his other options?'

Can Efnisien live a free life wherever he wants? No. That's where the 'dystopian universe' tag comes in. He's not safe to, but Hillview staff wouldn't be concerned with educating him and teaching him independence if they didn't want him to live as independently as possible one day. It's not like Gary has to try to get Efnisien comfortable with going outside and experiencing the outside world, and it's not like he has to encourage Efnisien to meet omegas and betas etc. to hear different opinions, y'know?

But yeah the role modelling is happening: Efnisien's showing more and more tools in coping all the time! He's been growing them since the beginning of the fic. He's learned to communicate better. He's learned how to articulate what he wants and doesn't want more clearly. He's learned how to care more for others even if he often misses that he has the power to really hurt them. He's learned more (not less) confidence. He's having less (not more) trauma responses. He's learned how to trust in the people around him more, so he's starting to talk more about his experiences of gender. He's learned that what he went through was wrong, and is sharing more about the abuse he suffered.

These things would not be happening in a story where people weren't giving him the tools to cope with his life or weren't showing him ways to communicate differently.

The reason Efnisien talks more clearly and articulately now in the story, the reason he laughs more, cries more (which is more open/honest imho and healthier than repressing it), talks more, talks about his past more, expresses his opinion more is because Hillview has been equipping him with more tools to live a richer life pretty much as soon as they realised he's not going to just murder people at the drop of a hat.

In some ways they're showing more trust than our society would because like, attempted murder could land him in jail for a while in our society, y'know?

The reason they haven't paired him with an actual psychologist is that they don't have any peak alpha psychologists and Efnisien can use alpha persuasion on anyone else, and would certainly get angry enough in therapy to use it. We only need to look at how Efnisien responded to Dr Gary in Falling Falling Stars sometimes in therapy sessions to see that yes, this is a guy who - if he had the tool of alpha persuasion - would absolutely use it to get a therapist to shut the fuck up when he felt like it, lol.

But yeah, as always, if folks are feeling really uncomfortable when reading something I've written, it's often intentional. You're right, Efnisien's situation is unfair. A few of the specifics you've brought up aren't true, and have missed things in the story, but it's still not a fair experience, it's not always a pleasant experience, and it's...pretty dystopian!

When we get really deep into our emotional connection to a character, it can still help to remember that the situation often isn't exactly the same as it feels. But this story also has the tags: darkfic / disturbing themes / dystopian universe for a reason! The visceral discomfort is a feature, not a bug.

#asks and answers #underline the black #underline the rainbow #falling falling stars #efnisien ap wledig #dr gary konowalous #ohlo ohlo temsen #a very long response sdfklfjas basically yes it's unfair #it's not *as* unfair as you say #but it definitely *feels* that unfair in the moment #especially the chapter where temsen lectures efnisien #temsen himself acknowledges that the situation isn't fair #and gary chastises temsen for it #and then gary is very caring to efnisien so you know #it's literally a moment in time where even gary #isn't holding efnisien accountable in the same way sdalfkjas #he's *upset* but that's different #we could have a whole other post about how gary's emotional responses dictate his #reactions to efnisien but that's a whole other thing #if i accidentally called you anon while writing this i'm really sorry #it's a habit i get into sdaflkjsa

[poorlittleyaoyao]

I think the problem I really have with the end of MDZS is that WWX and LWJ have torn down the top of the cultivation world but they didn’t really do anything to fix it. The people who were trying to change society are either dead and discredited (JGY and XXC) or unable to influence things anymore (LXC and SL). The only great sect still standing strong are the Jiang and as far as we know if anything happens to JC there’s no one who could succeed him. The old fuddies who let people like WRH and JGS come to power are still around and in charge. WWX changed things yes but not for the better and he didn’t even have the nerve to stick around to fix things. And it shouldn’t all be on his shoulders, true, but when people are going around preaching his goodness and morality it really stings that he didn’t actually fix anything.

I generally ignore the concept of an imperial government existing somewhere in this universe (I know it's an assumed genre convention, but since in this case there's no evidence or mention of any government apparatus despite the repeated wars with thousands upon thousands of casualties spilling outside the sects, what am I even gonna do with that information?), but this is a situation where I REALLY HOPE THIS ABSENTEE EMPEROR IS OUT THERE. If the average person is carrying on business as usual and the country itself is still functioning just fine, then who cares if those weirdo cultivation sects are going through it? The actual government might even be able to intervene and stabilize things. Or, more likely, diminish whatever sway the sects had, which is valid given 2/3 of the previous Chief Cultivators actively made things worse for the world at large.

But if the cultivation sects are all there is, and the important ones function almost like feudal lords in charge of general administration in their region, then things aren't looking great! There is one hell of a power vacuum happening there! The whole thing should collapse maybe, if nobody can hold onto their power via sheer force or public support. Given that JGY's watchtower project was considered this revolutionary above-and-beyond work of public service and not a common-sense piece of infrastructure, the cultivation sects aren't even reliably providing protection, so who is this system even for?

#this is not a House of the Dragon situation where ppl demand absolute power but chafe at even the bare minimum of responsibilities thank god #3zun and JC in particular all take their duties very seriously #and even NHS in his flop era goes to events and talks to people! he just does it poorly #but yeah the only leader with real experience governing at the story's end is JC and it's unfair to make him bootstrap the whole jianghu #though JC gives off intense 'does all the work in the group project rather than risk it being done poorly' energy so he probably will anywa

[mud-castle]

No wonder Mapleshade would be Pissed. I mean, can't say she is in the right to kill multiple people. But holy Hell that must SUCK for her

Ehhh, it's not like she would know until after she'd died tbh.

Though it could've been a reason why she took an interest in Crookedkit in particular as one of her kits "marked" him.

...

I was considering making Mapleshade's Revenge not as canon and instead something of a popular legend between Riverclan and Thunderclan. In TC's version, the queen died in the story and the kits committed the murders, in RC the kits died and you know the rest.

(note: it doesn't matter who's right, it matters that neither are willing to take the blame for what was ultimately a failing of the code leading to unnecessary suffering)

Either way they ended up with 4 restless spirits. and Mapleshade is Pissed. Thunderclan cats have extra reason to never step foot in the river. Riverclan cats less so, but they don't swim at night, and certainly never during rain.

#anon ask #eos ask #eos thoughts #warrior cats #I like the idea of spirits being wronged by the exploitation of the code still affecting the clans #while I like the idea that Mapleshade's story brought about the rule about always helping kits #I like it more if that was already a rule during her time that got overruled and no one not even Starclan opposed the ruling #And the whole situation is just so terribly unfair

[satohqbanana]

I wrote a whole passage on how the gods of Orbis fall, then I lost the thing because Google Mail didn't save the draft. :'^)

#sadge #but to answer the question the answer is feelings and emotions #they're like cogs in a machine #objects that do what they do because that's what they're supposed to do #so when they stop being like that because they suddenly felt tired or the situation was unfair they fall #and are replaced by new gods that look like them and act similarly to them which creeps out their subordinate demigods #subordinate demigods can choose not to serve the new god but they will also fall #the fallen then gets a conditional immortality in which they get hungry tired sick pained etc etc but can never die #until a deific weapon forged especially for offing them is wielded to kill them #big stuff i know but i'm just. So sad i lost the whole thing. #worldbuilding #arcanium series

[mercutiotakethewheel]

reading Interview with the Vampire right now and ive been having a lot of trouble getting through it largely due to how insufferable and racist the characters are (tho to what degree anne rice is doing that on-purpose is really hard to tell. im a little skeptical tho). And its really, really making me appreciate even more the AMC series and the earnest conversation it seems to have with the source material and the racism in it. and to some degree with a genre that is incredibly racist itself and largely excludes black voices entirely. honestly so fucking brilliant of the show to make Louis, who in the books is a slaver, a black man in an incredibly racist world who is earnestly and compellingly and furiously reckoning with his world (and his genre and his existential drama and his abusive relationship which is again so clearly tied into and a part of his being a black man). like its clearly made with love towards the original source material but louis (and claudia too) are just such a refreshing take on the vampire genres obsession with ultra-pale slave owners.

#iwtv #anyway idk maybe its gonna get good or im being unfair #blah blah blah historical accuracy they arent supposed to be good people its horror #blah #and i will admit the writings really beautiful #but this sure as hell will teach me not to be taken in by a five dollar half price book sticker #and also like wish folks would cling to the whole ‘historical accuracy’ thing in any way that wasnt just a blatant excuse for bigotry #like yknow historical accuracy is also that ppl of color existed and live through these times the same as anyone else #and have a right to their own stories #which is ofc what makes amc louis so compelling #and poignant #like louis just straight up sucks in a really boring way in the books #while show louis is over here delivering life altering monologues #and continously trying to grapple with and failing to and trying again anyway with his own life and situation #and doing that iver and over again #as time seems to outright refuse to deliver the change that it promises #anyway #ok i promise im done now

[bhalspawn]

if im honest i like king alistair w a warden queen! theyre happy ur honor!!!

#ACTUALLY im taking over the wardens story now. looking for a cure to the calling? whatre u talking abt #theyre supposed to have 30 years or so!!!!! granted alistair has only been a warden for 6 months or so when he says that but #and maybe joining during a blight also speeds up the taint but actually it doesnt ive decided. theyre FINE #anyway. alistair is fine bc of the therein bloodline ig? like how fiona is cured somehow bc of it #and.... dare i say.......... #They Have A Child Sir. everything's a okay #ugh but the thing w morrigan. can u imagine wanting a child but knowing its unlikely to happen while one of u has one w a woman they cant #stand and the other still feels incredibly hurt #bc of the fact the morrigan knows the whole time #and i get it!!! morrigan is young and her mother is Flemeth and this is what she's been told to do and she becomes friends w the warden #knowing this so like. i see how torn she must be #she calls her a SISTER while knowing this and i can see it must tear at her but how can you just tell them that #oh it hurts. oh its bitter #i mean the betrayal of howe and then loghain has to make morrigans seem much harsher than it really is #and i dont think of it as really a betrayal from an objective pov but in the situation its already a lot what w the landsmeet and the news #that a warden has to die #i mean its all got to hit hard. there's no way ANYONES comin out of this in a healthy headspace #alistair thinks of his son he will never meet and rhia thinks of a stepson she never wants to meet and UGH. #i think they shouldve handled the whole thing differently. like morrigan should speak to both wardens instead of one #when u speak to just the hof and they have to go to romanced alistair it seems. unfair #ANYWAY!!!! IM NORMAL ABOUT IT #wytxt

[screechthemighty]

Okay, so mostly for my own reference but also so everyone suffers with me (CW for disordered eating/Vash's awful headscape under the cut):

Before the one plant starts dying and Vash is let out full-time, there's a total of 225 tallies on the walls.

We know he gets two meals before he starts tracking time, but we can count that second one as one of the tallies since he makes it later that night. So that's 226. Before that night, Brad mentions that they spent two weeks digging around the ruins of Ship Five. Now, we don't know for SURE if he was there the whole two weeks, but like, even with that. That's 226 to 240 days that Vash was in that room, handcuffed and largely left alone. That's almost a full year. And we know he was denying himself food that whole time.

My most generous interpretation is that he tallied per meal as a way of tracking his lack of eating (which seems like something he'd do lbr), but even if we assume he got fed three times a day and subtract out that first untracked meal, that's 56 to 71 days. So anywhere from two-ish to eight months he was alone, starving himself, grieving, and possibly still suicidal. At a chronological age of one and change and a biological age of what, twelve? At most??

In conclusion

#screech watches trigun #screech watches tristamp #honestly a good chunk of the time travel fic is fueled by just #horrifically unfair this whole situation is #so you guys will have that to look forward to #also just as an edit he was actively carving another tally when the plant started screaming sooooo throw that in the pile I guess

[ickypuppi3]

do you ever think about billy’s face as he walks up to the door and then the forced casualness as he talks to neil and how it becomes even more forced when neil says about max

#billy hargrove #neil hargrove #and then he gets nervous and starts moving around #the body language is insane #billy who can put on a performance and wear a mask for absolutely everyone except his dad #anyway #i’m sad about him again #neil’s smile when billy says he doesn’t know where max is #i hate him so so much #i will genuinely never be over how unfair this whole situation was

[bog--unicorn]

how do cats literally never remember their claws are round… every time they get stuck on something (some cloth, my skin) they get personally offended that I am somehow doing that to them, and then I get slapped/bit worse. unnecessary, ladies. you need to just chill.

#kiki gets her claws stuck on fabric/toys while playing mostly #I do trim her nails but she goes outside so I feel like it’s in her best interest to keep them long #she’s pretty good about just yowling about how unfair the whole situation is rather than lashing out #wynn is a feral cat who is extremely affectionate but crosses her own overstimulation boundaries #I’ll be standing still with her rubbing all over my legs til she feels the need to give me a love bite #and if I flinch she gets scared slaps me gets a claw stuck and then just goes ham on my legs #then she’ll back off look a little sheepish and then start rubbing all over the furniture again #sigh she’s doing her best but I do look forward to when this is a memory

[pepprs]

i am literally experiencing a horror rn. but also it is not a horror except it is a horror except it’s not a horror and i am ok except im not ok except i am ok and if im not ok then i will be

#i keep crying every time i think of another aspect impacted by this. but the impacts will not be all bad and will actually be helpful to me #in some ways. and that’s a good thing i think but the way it is happening is fucking devastating. it’s just devastating #i feel so bad for crying when i did but also how do you NOT cry. february 19 2018 me KNEW. august 2021 redacted KNEW. and it’s like. there’s #no way this wasn’t gonna happen actuallt but ithink no one wanted to admit it and i feel so betrayed. lol. like that WHOLE time. at least a #fourth of it or a fifth of it or whatever. this was in motion and i didn’t even know and it springs out NOW. lol. it just hurts. but itll #be okay somehow. just have to take it day by day i guess. lol #purrs #i love vaguing about irl situations and experiences and predicaments and circumstances and moments between rocks and hard places and i speci #specifically love doing it when i don’t have therapy anymore and my tumblr mutuals are my unwilling audience i am subjecting to this shit 🥰 #it’s all this stuff happened (purposely writing in passive voice btw) and…. it means nothing. it didn’t even matter. all of my crying and FR #freaking out etc etc legitimately did not matter or make any difference. none of the other things mattered either. i mean they did but in th #their own ways but none that prevented this outcome. it’s just so shitty. i feel so betrayed and i know it’s unfair but i really do #it’s so shitty too bc it changes EVERYTHING. EVERY SINGLE THING that has ever happened has to be reinterpreted now. and it’s crushing. lol

[footballandfiasco]

my grandparents are so...irresponsible i cannot believe it

#my grandma is currently on the way to the hospital because of sth she is struggling with for years(!) now #and the entire day it got so much worse but she refused to got to the doctor or call an abulance #even though my mum & her sister begged her to & they wanted to come over but my grandpa did not let them #so my mum feels horrible now of course #and now the whole situation is so shitty when we could have got help earlier #i have some struggles with them for very long now but the fact that they keep making things incredibly complicated...argh #OF COURSE i hope she is alright but they literally put all the responsibility on my mum & her sister now & thats so unfair #and my grandpa also has very aggressive tendencies & if my grandmas hospital visit means that he might stay at our house...idk #rant over #sorry

[nullians]

Oh null those are some somber tags my friend, i know ur family life isn’t the greatest but i’m very sorry to hear it’s getting to you like this. Totally understand the curse of oldest sibling getting stretched far too thin, it’s a hard fate. You’ve gotten this far, you can endure it. (Might sound like empty words but i just wanted to reach out somehow to let u know ur not on your lonesome <333333) (ofc don’t have to answer this ask)

Those are not empty words at all, thank you! I don’t want to plague your (or any one’s) dash but getting things off my chest does help so whoops. Just, thanks. I really appreciate it that you’ve reached out and uhhh oldest siblings solidarity?? ^-^’

#although I hope your situation is better #I’m not good at answering stuff like this but you are so beloved #sending you a hug rn #and I occasionally complain about this curse (thanks I will be running away with this way to describe my situation) but enduring it is not #that much of a challenge. just. sometimes the perspective of how unfair this whole dynamic is gets me #soo… not crying-laying down-‘drinking’ mood but like… aggressively_analysing_the_board_man.png #inbox asks for attention

[goldinavonlea]

dean calling himself daddy’s blunt little instrument you will always always be famous 💕🥰✨

#the whole scene my most beloved dean allowing himself to be angry with his dad #allowing himself to recognise all the injustices of his situation and that he deserves better #finally finally finally after a ruined childhood after an obliterated sense of self he finally renounces responsibility for things that #weren’t his fault and it’s not going to make a shred of difference and he knows it #so you’ve spent your whole life trying desperately to please a man who was never going to be pleased #fighting to uphold responsibility that should never have been yours #and you’ve finally allowed yourself to come to terms with that and there’s nothing you can do about it #your time is almost up it’s too late to change it’s all so brutally unfair and all there’s left to do is live with that

[satiricaily]

feel so desensitized to major life issues lately bc wdym i actually had the rights to break down and feel angry or sad bc it was a traumatic situation but instead i was so used to hearing ppl going thru worse things at this age that i immediately dismissed it as nothing

#im talking abt that time my car's brakes stopped working on the highway btw #kind of fucked up how only one person told me that it was actually awful and i should take my time processing the situation #bc everyone else either told me (indirectly) i shld suck it up cuz theyve been thru accidents bfr and theyre fine! #or how it was a good experience etc etc #it wasnt until i broke down in the middle of the mall bc my friend (who was in the car w me) was acting unfair abt it all #and i couldnt even fight back bc im young and inexperienced and maybe i was wrong and shouldve done better shouldnt have put her thru that #as if i wasnt also affected by the situation perhaps even more than her #idk we're okay now but i still feel like everyone around me just.... dismissed how awful i felt abt the whole thing so easily #personal

[toerrishumansodontbeone]

Noooo my ouyang brainworms..... Theyre turning into st mal ones ;n;

#it never lasts long does it #its so cruel #so unfair #anyway I came up w a great character to serve as her foil today n have been putting them into Situations all day #zhus whole story arc has made me think abt st mal on the dl this whole time n the sequel only strwnghtened that #made me wonder if I could make one too... #n ofc for that st mal needs some more concrete opposition #how wild wud it be if I fucking wrote a historic fiction book 2 #abt a pseudochristian saint in early byzantium #i dont even fuckig care abt antique cultures its so tragic #id have to pick up some books #vermin chat