#there was a lack of respect for privacy and it made me angry and I'm the dream i sorry if reacted how i wanted to in actual hs i guess | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

falling-heights · 2 months

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Ascended Astarion/Tiefling!Tav Pt. 3

Summary: You confront Astarion, and he reveals his plans

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4

Warnings: Astarion is a manipulative little shit, demeaning words and actions, power dynamics, gaslighting, abusive behavior. Not a happy chapter.

He did not respond at first, eyes lowering as he pondered something. After a few moments however, his smile returned, devilish enough to be mistaken for one, if not for the lack of horns. He mused to himself as he looked down at you, admiring the ensemble you had put on for him, seemingly pleased with it. He released his hold, beckoning you to follow him as he made his way back to the mahogany desk.

"Come sit, a poor thing like you must be exhausted from all that trifling chatter," His tone was patronizing, belittling. You hesitated to comply, causing his head to tilt once more. His smile faltered for a moment, becoming annoyed before the flash of his teeth returned. "My dearest, I'm afraid I haven't got the time for idle gossip. Unless, of course, you're too desperately lonely tonight to stand being unattended. I can fetch one of the spawn to indulge in-"

"I'm not..." You cut him off, laughing in disbelief, appalled at the thought. You remained where you stood, much to Astarion's displeasure. You were somewhat angry now, much of your hesitancy gone, allowing the words to slip out without much thought. "Speak honestly, am I so easy to brush off to you? That you would rather hand me off to one of your servants than treat me as your own?"

"Don't be stupid, my pet," His voice lowered dangerously, like a warning that you should tread carefully. His words sounded poisonous, laced with false sweetness. "You should be more grateful for what I've given you. We are so close to taking this city for our own, and yet you stand here to demand more of me? Tell me, then, what more can I give you? What more shall you demand until you are satisfied?"

You didn't respond, knowing it would further waste your time. You inhaled sharply, keeping your head held high. Red eyes watching your every move, narrowed and irate. You were dealing with a predator instead of your dear partner.

There was something about submission that seemed to give him purpose, as though he sought to exhort it in everyone he ever met. A part of you knew it would be easily to simply surrender yourself to him, but you would not bend so easily to him. If you could deny yourself your inheritance, reject the very blood that conceived you, you could just as well resist a vampire ascendent's temptation.

Denying Bhaal, denying your Urge, killing Orin, all of it allowed you to begin a new life, free from any sort of expectation. A life you had once hoped could have been shared with the one you chose to love. However, you would not allow yourself to repeat the cycle of control. If your lover sought to dominate you rather than play an equal part in your life, then you would simply continue it without him.

His eyes wondered for a moment, reading your face before again scrutinizing your figure. Finally, he sighed, lips twisting into a knowing grin.

"Darling, you taunt me so cruelly," His attention turned away from you to his desk. Various papers and documents were scattered in a messy, yet organized manner. Trade deals, guilds contracts, events within the city. He was networking, garnering trust amongst the most influential parties, securing his seat amongst them. There were very few times he actually allowed you to look through the various annals, though that did not stop you from allowing yourself access every now and again. Manners were kept to a degree, if nothing more than to respect his privacy, but his need to keep his ordeals a secret made you question his intent.

"You might find this particular arrangement interesting," Astarion sifted through the stacks of sheets, leafing through them looking for something specific. He hummed as he found what he was looking for, raising a singular slip of paper, holding it out to you, though demanding that you approach to take it. You obliged, approaching him quietly to take it from his hand. You gave him a cautious look before grasping the paper. Confusion washed through you as you read the scrawled words.

"What is this?" Various names of well-known patrons were written on the page, along with every asset they owned. Brothels, bank vaults, ship ports, temples, every shop and trade that they sponsored; all neatly arranged and documented, with the value of each labeled. You looked up at him for an explanation, but he looked expectantly, waiting for you to continue reading. One particular location stood out to you above everything else: the House of Grief. The Sharran temple had remained barren since it was decimated by your companions.

"This, little gem, is the final motion," He gently took the paper from your hands before you were allowed to look at it any further. His hand lifted to play with your hair, seemingly engrossed in its silkiness. "I've been tracking the ventures of our dear friends in the upper city. Every coin they bleed from this city, every person they commission, every inch of property they've acquired. I can place each and every name by its worth into a single number."

He positioned himself behind you, pulling your waist against his, and wrapping his arms around your torso in a tight embrace. Proximity to him felt alien compared to anyone else. He was never warm, physically. Sometimes it felt like being pressed against a stone wall.

"I told you we were close…" He brought a hand up to caress your neck so delicately. "Tell me, my dear, who do you think has the most influence over this city?"

"Whoever controls the most resources," A ripple of goosebumps erupted from his frigid touch as you spoke quietly. "And whoever has the most connections."

"Good girl," He leaned down to kiss your neck lightly. He pulled away after a singular peck, placed knowingly against a spot he once loved to suckle. His voice was low. "You've always been a clever little soul."

He released you then, suddenly, as though nothing had happened to begin with. It left you frazzled, nervous. He was teasing you, it was more than obvious, but it was working all the same. How bitter it felt to still crave the touch from something that left you feeling scorned. As though his fingers bled into you like daggers, and you wished for it all the same.

"Not far from now, I shall invite each name on this list to celebrate a newfound partnership, or sorts," He held up the paper once more, an uncouth look in his eyes. More hungry and eager than you had seen in a long while. "I will gift them what every slimy little pig with coin dreams of, and we shall reap upon their fortunes together, my love."

"You're going to turn them?" The response to his plan sounded more condemning than you intended, but it didn't match the confoundment you felt. "You're going to turn the most egomaniacal, power-hungry people in this city into spawn? Are you mad?"

"Oh come now, this is quite tactful," He laid out more documents, revealing contract after contract that would essentially give him dictatorship over each and every resource within the city. From agriculture, black markets, commerce of industrial goods, even to the guilds. All of it would be under his control. He wasn't just going to stop there, you realized. Guilds had little influence aside from corruption and intimidation. It would take him years to make enough spawn if he wanted to overthrow the any sort of established order. But if he hired Nine-Fingers to provide him arms, then he wouldn't have to wait at all. "You couldn't possibly have expected me to enter this game fairly, did you? Did you want me to wait another hundred years so I could slowly do what I can do now in a single night?"

"What about the Flaming Fist?" You asked earnestly. "You can't seriously expect Duke Ravengard to give you sovereignty?"

"You have far more faith in the stability of the Duke and his infantry. He is simply another wrinkle that needs ironing out if this is to go smoothly," Astarion seemed indifferent to it all, musing to himself as though he were excited to see its downfall. "The Duke has been replaced before, I'm sure you remember it well. You helped in it after all, even if you can't remember."

Your nose wrinkled at his remark. He should know better than to bring up that time, as though your past actions didn't haunt you any less then than they did now.

"I do not plan to fail where Gortash did, however. He had the support of the public, but nothing with structure. I, on the other hand, will have every significant figure at my disposal," He discarded everything back onto the table, leaning over it calmly. "I think it will all be rather easy, in the end."

"You're going to overthrow the entire system? The Duke?"

"Well, I would like to try and persuade him first," He mused, relishing at the thought. "But, I suppose that's a simpler way of phrasing it."

"You're not being serious," You looked at him with wide eyes, almost wanting to laugh at the mere idea. "Do you understand how much dissension that would cause? You intend to unseat not only the Duke of the city, but Wyll's father? What is he meant to do?"

"Dear Wyll has poor taste in companions. He always has, I'm afraid," Astarion examined his nails, cleaning what little dirt may be beneath them. "His own folly will not stop me from claiming what is owed. In fact, I just had a thought-- he would make for a most delicious steward, don't you think-"

You were quick to descend your rage upon him, raising your hand to lay a singular unbending strike across his virtuous face. Your head shook with fury, nose scrunched further in disgust. His head twisted upon the impact, surprise riddled all over his gorgeous face.

"He was your friend. They all were, how can you talk about any of them like that?" You hissed, craning your neck up at him. When his head finally returned to meet yours, a furious hatred gleamed within his eyes, hotter than the hells. His teeth glistened upon the grimace that twisted his features. You sighed, finding that your distress was not waning. "I don't know what I expected from you when you promised me the city. I was too naïve to take you that seriously, too blinded to see what would happen to you in that pursuit."

"I don't need to take take this from the likes of you," He stood straight, gaining advantage over you in height alone, and towering over you. His shadow obscured every inch of your figure, and in his shade, you were consumed. However, you ignored him, continuing to prattle your convictions like a saint.

"We've both changed so much since we came back to this city," You started, shaking your head, looking at him indignantly. You should have known better, it would have been much easier to have just left without a word. To have never started a scene, but you wanted closure. You wanted to ensure there was no chance that you would willingly return to the man before you. "You're cold, distant. You regard me with the same affection your spawn. You promise me everything except yourself. I hardly recognize you anymore. Not since Cazador--"

"Do not speak that creature's name." When he moved, you did not know, but it was quick and silent. One hand immediately latched onto your jaw, bruisingly tight, the other around your horn, much like a handle, holding your head in place. You tried to pull away instinctually, but his fingers curled around one of your horns, painfully straining your neck and pulling you back into place. The duress in his words sent goosebumps along your spine, and your voice caught in your throat. "That worthless memory should die like everything else that's in the past. You know better than that to test me, my heart."

"What is this even worth to you now?" Your voice was hushed, but angry. You held firm onto your resolve, if only dwarfed by his unnatural strength. "You said this wouldn't change you. It wouldn't change anything between us. You made a promise."

"I promised to give you everything, and nothing less. And just as I'm close to manifesting that, you have doubts?" Astarion's pull on your horns tightened, and he ignored the cry you produced in response. "You're fate is mine to decide. You made your choices, rejected your heritage, left all of it behind. What else do you have left but me?"

You lashed at him with your nails, trying to free yourself from his grip like a cornered animal. He ignored your cries of anger, only tightening his grip the more you struggled.

"No one cares about you like I do, love." Your whimpers melded into shallow sobs as his words bit into your heart. There were many emotions melding into your whole being. Hatred, fear, and in some sick masochistic manner, the love that still lingered. He hushed you quietly, pulling you into his arms once you stopped resisting his hold. His hand cradled your head as you clung onto his sleeves desperately. "You're lucky I chose you to be my consort. Who else would put up with your antics?"

In a moment of clarity, your sobs ceased, and you gazed up at him, finding his eyes to be all too passive.

"I think it would have been better to have killed you than to witness what you have evolved into," His hold stiffened, put off by the detached tone in your voice. "And yet I cannot let go, and your hubris is my undoing. Why do you think I put up with this torment?"

Your lips trembled, emotions finally catching up to your words as all of it welled up in your eyes. Your tongue clicked as a hurt gasp escaped your lungs, knowing this was the end of it all.

"I can't believe how stupid I was, thinking you would do anything but lie your way through everything," You shoved him away, gathering yourself once more, looking upon the disconcerted vampire with a passive sort of anguish. As though once again visiting the grave of someone once important. "This is nothing more than a sick perversion. I won't allow myself to be subjugated by you any longer."

You turned, leaving him in silence, keeping your resolve until you were far enough to be away from his eyes. They burned into you like hot coals with each step as you exited the study. Though you did not glance back. You would not give him the pleasure of seeing you cry again. However, you did not stop the tears from falling once you were safely distant from his presence. Disappointment mingled with the torture of it all. A small, pathetic little part of you still hoped that he would chase after you, apologize, and promise to make it all better. But no footsteps followed you down the halls. Nothing gripped you by the shoulders to turn you around as you made it all the way into the palace's kitchen. Where Moira stood solemnly, bag laid by her feet, quarterstaff in one hand, and cloak in the other.

You paused for a moment to look at her, thinking of all the lonely moments she had replaced with her company. She was not a friend, but something else. If nothing more, she was a reminder that you deserved more than what you were given, and for that you were grateful. You would have liked to thank her properly one day, but you doubted that you would ever see her again. She did not regard you with words, rather, she simply bowed her head as you wrapped yourself in the warmth of the cloak, knowing the truth as much as you. Instead, a moment of communal silence was shared, of respect for one another.

You stooped down to grasp the handles of the bag, hoisting it onto your shoulders, and exiting the palace through the servant's entrance. This forsaken place was behind you as soon as the air hit your face, now nothing more than a bad memory in hindsight.

Letting out a sniffle, you made your way into the dark streets of the city.

Now, your only concern was finding a warm place to sleep.

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itsgxsly · 1 year

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ONE IN A MILLION

Summary: Carlos is yours, you know it, but you don't know if you're ready for the rest of the world to know it.

Pairing: carlos sainz x reader

Warnings: none

Word Count: 1263

You knew that falling in love with a famous Formula 1 driver came with its consequences. Let no one misunderstand you, you had no complaints about your relationship with Carlos, he was just the perfect man. Brown eyes that looked at you as if you were hanging the stars from the sky, his dark hair that gave him a princely air, his broad body well shaped by those daily hours of training... He was perfect from head to toe.

And clearly you weren't the only one noticing that.

You were warned that many fans praised Carlos all the time, in every instagram photo or on twitter or any other social media. You were used to that for a few years now and it didn't bother you. But even so, there were certain specific moments in which unfortunately, you could not avoid the slight pang of jealousy that was inevitable in you when one of those fans or some other woman got closer to your boyfriend more than what seemed appropriate to you.

You didn't distrust him, of course you didn't, but it was hard having to hide your insecurity seeing those girls so close to him and not being able to do anything. Because therein lay the problem. That you couldn't act or say anything about it. Because nobody knew anything about your relationship with Carlos Sainz.

It had been your idea and Carlos had respected it, you didn't want to be attacked like many of the WAGs were and he didn't want to see you in that situation either. So you were known to the public and the press and could be said to be close friends, but nothing more.

It was frustrating and if you were honest, it made you feel insecure at times. Like now. You had no reason to envy the group of women that surrounded Carlos in that nightclub during the party celebrating the first race of the season. He was yours, you wanted to convince yourself of it. But what if he preferred something else?

Maybe one of them was better than you. Maybe Carlos would enjoy be with her more the with you and she wouldn't be so reluctant to go out in public with him.

All those thoughts that flooded your head left you slightly dizzy along with the noise and lack of air with the crowd of people. You needed to get out of there for a while to clear your mind. You smiled briefly at Pierre and his girlfriend who were standing near the private booth, indicating that you were going out. In your rush you didn't even notice Carlos following you as soon as he saw you move. The Spaniard hadn't taken his eyes off you all night, the desire to get close to you filling his head, but he had to hold it, both of you had made it clear that you wanted privacy.

When you arrived at the entrance of the club, a blast of cold air greeted you at once. You appreciated it at the time. You took a few deep breaths to relax, but a pair of warm hands on your waist made you jump and turn around quickly. You sighed when you saw who he was, but your concern returned when you realized that Carlos was right there with you.

"You scared me" you reproached him.

"I'm sorry, cielo. It was not my intention” he replied, letting his hands fall from your body. You almost complained about the loss of touch from him.

"What are you doing here?" You didn't really think that Carlos had noticed that you had been out for a few minutes.

"That's what I wanted to ask you," the Spaniard told you. “I saw you leave in a hurry and I got worried. Everything is alright?" He raised a hand that went to your arm, stroking it with his thumb.

"Yes, yes, don't worry. Everything is alright. You can go back inside, they'll be waiting for you” it wasn't fair that you reproached him for that, after all he wasn't doing anything and you were the one who wanted to continue in private, but even so, jealousy made you act like that.

Contrary to what you expected -that Carlos would get angry and go back inside- your boyfriend just laughed. A low, almost wry laugh. You looked at him confused without knowing what the laugh was coming from.

"cariño, are you jealous?" He asked you and it almost seemed more like a statement. He knew you even more than you knew yourself. He knew you were jealous, but you didn't want to give him the satisfaction of admitting it.

"No" was your resounding answer. You didn't say more, you just turned your face, hoping that by not seeing him you could put up with your lie. Clearly it didn't go very well for you at the moment when his hand grabbed your jaw to make you look at him.

"Don't ignore me" His tone, although it was soft, made it clear that you had no other choice. You swallowed and let him pull you closer to him placing his other hand on your waist. Now almost no space separated you.

"Listen to me, I don't know what you're thinking or what has made you jealous" you went to interrupt him again to deny that, but the look on his face told you not to. "As I was saying, I don't know what happened, but whatever you're thinking, get it out of your head, mi amor" throughout the speech, his thumb caressed your jaw, almost close to your lips.

You sighed before briefly explaining yourself.

"I'm sorry. I don't like being jealous. I was the one who wanted our relationship to be private and you agreed with me and yet I am getting angry with you” it was not fair that you blame Carlos for your jealousy and for your decision.

"No need to apologize, cariño. Those are normal things” he reassured you.

“I just can't help it. All those girls who are always around you. It makes me think that maybe one of them could be better for you than me” you made a childish pout and looked at the ground, too embarrassed to be able to look at Carlos.

Carlos raised your face again with the hand that was on your jaw and when you were looking at him, he gently kissed the pout of your lips. You went to continue the kiss, but you remembered that you were still in public.

"Carlos" you were alarmed. "someone could see us"

"Well, let them see. Let them see how I love my girl” it actually didn't sound so bad to let the whole world see you only if you could keep kissing Carlos.

"Look, let's go do something, okay?" You nodded listening to him. “We don't have to suddenly announce this, but we can make small strides. Soft launching. We could start with you coming to the next race by my side."

"Carlos, I go to almost all the races of the year" you laughed.

"But you have never come as my girlfriend"

“I don't think appearing directly as your girlfriend in the next race counts as soft launching” you laughed again. "But we can do that and see how things progress"

"I think it's a good idea" Carlos kissed you again and this time you didn't think of moving away from him. “And I don't want you to ever compare yourself to anyone again, mi vida. You are one in a million"

EXTRA:)

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carlossainz55 time to recharge energy for the next race

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#carlos sainz x y/n #carlos sainz blurb #carlos sainz x you #carlos sainz one shot #carlos sainz x oc #carlos sainz x reader #carlos sainz jr x reader #carlos sainz jr x you #carlos sainz fluff #fluff #formula 1 #f12023

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bi-bard · 1 year

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Insecurities & Loose Lips - Max Wolfe Imagine [Gossip Girl (2021)]

Title: Insecurities & Loose Lips

Pairing: Max Wolfe X Reader

Word Count: 946 words

Warning(s): talk of sex, arguing

Summary: (Y/n) trusted Max. Trusted that anything vulnerable spoken to him would remain between the two of them. They are soon shown that their trust was likely misplaced.

Author's Note: I don't really have anything to say here... but it felt important to write this. An important discussion.

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I always had this inherent understanding that if a friend told you something in confidence, then you don't share that information without their permission.

Especially when it comes to deeply personal information.

You don't go around telling people stuff that a friend told you about their past traumas or their insecurities. You just don't. It's wrong. It's fucked up.

It always felt natural to think that way. Unless I thought someone was a genuine danger to themself or another person, I kept what they told me to myself unless I saw them discussing it with other people. It wasn't my job to decide what they were comfortable sharing.

Apparently, that's not a universal concept.

I would never have known if Audrey hadn't said anything. We were sitting together, working on some project that I could barely remember now. She muttered some light-hearted joke about me.

My sex life.

My lack of a sex life, actually.

It made me pause.

If it had just been an off-handed comment, then I wouldn't have questioned anything. But this joke had a very specific detail that she shouldn't have known about.

My heart was instantly kicked into the back of my ribcage.

"What," I asked, trying to play it cool.

She repeated herself.

"How do you know about that?"

I had only told one person. There was literally one person in existence that I had felt safe enough and comfortable enough to open up to about stuff like that. And that wasn't Audrey, that was-

"Max told me," she replied like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Why?"

"What do you mean?" she furrowed her eyebrows.

"Why did that even come up?" I explained. "Especially because I wasn't even there. What conversation caused that to even be relevant?"

She shrugged. "It kind of just came up. Not really sure."

I wanted to be angry about her casual tone about whole the conversation. But I couldn't. Chances are, Max convinced her that this wasn't a big deal. That it was a normal conversation to have.

I felt sick.

I took a deep breath before standing up, trying to quickly gather my stuff.

"Hey," she said. "What's going on?"

"I... I just need to get home," I muttered. "I forgot that my mom asked me to be home early. I'm sorry."

"If this is about Max-"

"I'll see you later," I cut her off, just trying to get out of the situation.

I walked out before another word could be spoken.

I had originally planned to go home. To go home and collect my thoughts before I confronted Max about any of it. But it was like my body moved without my mind's control because I ended up at Max's door.

I stared at it for a moment. There was a weight sitting in my stomach that was starting to hurt. This needed to happen. I knew that much.

I took a deep breath.

Seeing Max again was so... strange.

He truly looked like nothing was even close to wrong. Like he had no idea that he did anything that would make me uncomfortable. Maybe he didn't. Or he just didn't care.

"Hey," he grinned at me.

"We need to talk," I said, deciding to skip any polite small talk. I just needed to get through this.

"Okay," he furrowed his eyebrows, drawing out the word a bit.

"Did... Did you talk to Audrey about the stuff I told you about," I asked.

"'Stuff?'"

"About... About the... the sex stuff, Max."

"Oh," he replied. "Yeah, it came up."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because it was just a conversation," he scoffed.

That made me feel gross. "A conversation about private things I told you. Things I told you with the expectation of respect and privacy."

"It's not that big of a deal."

"To you," I corrected. "You knew very well how anxious I was talking about that kind of thing. Why would you think that sharing it without my knowledge or permission was okay?"

"God, will you relax?" he rolled his eyes. "You're acting like I went around telling everyone about it. Or I was shaming you for it."

"First of all, you don't know if whoever the fuck you talked to is going to keep their mouths shut," I snapped. "Second of all, whether or not it gets spread around or it was meant to shame me or whatever, it was my fucking business."

He just shook his head.

"I trusted you," I continued, anger peeking through my quiet voice. "I confided in you about things I was anxious about and had insecurities about. You knew how much it took for me to be comfortable talking about that. I... I thought you respected me enough to keep your damn mouth shut about it. You went around and talked about it like it was nothing. All without telling me that you did. It's fucking disgusting."

When Max didn't respond again, I scoffed. He couldn't even offer some kind of apology.

"I... I don't want to talk to you, I don't want to see you... I want to completely ignore your existence from this point forward," I said. "Go fuck yourself, Max."

I turned around and walked away. I stormed back through his front door and started my walk home. I was tired. Tired and angry and sad and just... done.

That was the best way that I could describe it. Done.

And the worst part was that Max couldn't even bring himself to apologize. Even if it was half-assed or insincere... it would've been better than nothing.

Maybe I should've known better than to expect so much from him.

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#max wolfe fanfiction #max wolfe x reader #max wolfe imagine #gossip girl 2021 fanfiction #gossip girl 2021 imagine #gossip girl 2021 x reader #gossip girl x reader #gossip girl fanfiction #gossip girl imagine #imagine #fanfiction #x reader

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moomoorare · 1 year

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i remember when i was making a painting i kept adding colors and then i hated the thing so i shoved it into a plastic bag and left it on the side of the room, where no one should reach it. In theory. Then months pass and i move from my grandma's top floor room to the other's. and i leave things behind. That painting as well. It wasnt even permanent at the time, just for the summer bc of the heat it reached 40°c in there so. Yeah. I moved. Anyways. I go to the room one night and , things feel different and then yeah. They went through my things. Which is a thing i hate SO DEEPLY. It's a boundary i take seriously. And j see that ugly painting first in a guest bedroom. Hidden at the top of a wooden structure. Then it's in the kitchen. I was SO angry that the ugly thing was hung there, which isn't ugly okay, i still hate it, it's full of hate and anger for me. That i stormed up to the bedroom and in the heat i painted another one. Which was so much prettier and better . And j brought it downstairs. I even painted the paper wrap with little flowers. And i gave it to my grandparents. "I see you have that there, now you can swap it with this" i don't remember the answer. I was just. Really hurt that my boundaries were crossed like that. It wasnt just hidden away. It was smugged with red and blue paint all over, angry markings. And there it was hung like.it w as the best thing ever. And sure it could have been for them. Whatever

This isnt a post about ' oh even things that you make that you think are ugly can be beautiful to someone else' yes. That's true. That's not the point. The point is that my privacy, my boundary, was crossed. And that no matter how much love and appreciation that dumb painting got. It wasnt supposed to be seen by anyone anyway. It was CLEARLY stashed away. Ready to be thrown away. And the hurt and annoyance i feel about it are valid. Because. They have so many paintings ive made for them hung in the living room, everywhere. But that one fucking painting was not supposed to be touched. And yet. My grandma went and rummaged through MY things. Personal belongings, like it was just paper in a bin. That's what infuriates me. The total lack of respect of boundaries. And that shit runs through the family because my mother does the same. One time she even stole a nail polish, lovingly displayed on a shelf with my other pretty things, (it was gifted to me by my best friend, who i see like 3 times a year, maybe, because she lives oversea now). And this nail polish, it was lilac and sparkly . I find in the bathroom at home all black and dirty. So I'm rightfully angry and go to my mother to ask about it. "Oh yeah you can have it back, it's not the color i wanted anyway". After it's been ruined, used and dirtied. Like. it's been like 5 years and I'm still SO angry about it. And it's always happening with some stupid shit like a vase or doodles. Fuck

#rare vent #long post #just #this shit drives me crazy #crazy tumblreina moment

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tinyfoxpolice · 2 months

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06:49 - If I wanted to communicate about how I'm feeling I would communicate. I am still angry and I am now angry again that the last bit of my morning drive for some alone time was, once again, disturbed by prying eyes.

I'm upset because I have no privacy to be able to emotionally process my feelings. I went to bed for the night which left no opportunity to process my feelings. I woke up at an unusually early hour to watch the sunrise and have some time to myself to think. I went back to my Taylor Swift complete collection because I enjoy her music and I wanted to keep thinking about how I feel about privacy and where I want to go next. My privacy was disturbed to find out more about why I'm upset when I've been quite clear I have no opportunity to be by myself away from prying eyes to emotionally process the things around me so I am forced to be in a locked box 24/7 while I undergo big changes in my life.

What exactly does everybody think is going on here?

06:54 - You make a person angry, give them no opportunity to be angry by themselves and take away all coping mechanisms and then you are confused the person is still angry?

06:55 - Incredible.

07:05 - If red is anger, what colour do you think is required to make pink? And how long do you think a reasonable person would take to come to terms with the knowledge there is no such thing as any form of privacy?

It is the Australian Criminal Intelligence Agency keeping tabs on me. Do you think I am unaware of heat maps? Do you think I am unaware of the extent the monitoring of me is? Do you think there might be some extreme privacy violations happening that are reminiscent of childhood?

So how long would a reasonable person take to add white to the red?

07:08 - Do you think less than eight hours would be a reasonable time frame?

07:09 - Or do you think you might woo up a bit, let them come to terms with what's happening, give them the privacy that they are asking for when they are asking for it and leave them to emotionally process the anger that is inevitable?

07:10 - A burner phone that is connected to my home wifi will never be secure. But instead of allowing me the privilege of a make shift privacy screen somebody thought banning a Google account that I made was the correct answer

07:11 - Instead of allowing me that privacy screen, it was ripped out of my hands so I was forced to cry in front of everybody and then I was held up to an extremely high standard where I had to have an extreme form of emotional intelligence.

07:13 - Then everybody is confused as to what could possibly be the problem.

07:13 - If only I could communicate better in moments of extreme emotional distress.

07:14 - If only I could use my words more in moments of extreme emotional distress.

07:14 - If only I could reach that emotional intelligence bar that keeps on getting higher and higher and higher

07:15 - A standard that no other human is held to

07:15 - But it is okay for me to receive criticism after the fact so I can develop myself more.

07:15 - I lack emotional intelligence because I am unable to use my words.

07:16 - But if we scroll backwards I think I did use my words to describe an anger that was unable to be described in words where I asked in the best way I could manage to hit pause.

07:17 - But I am the child in this situation while the parent tells me how I could do it better next time.

07:17 - You've pulled me out of the shower naked, dumped ice water over me, taken the towel and have the audacity to tell me I should use words in that moment instead of crying.

07:18 - How cruel.

07:18 - How very cruel.

07:18 - I don't think it's me who needs to reflect on communication, I think the other side of the coin should think about how to respect boundaries when a person is in a form of emotional distress and is seeking privacy.

07:19 - I am still angry.

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fair-fae · 6 years

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this is nervewracking to ask, but i'm going to do it anyway. what did cyril do that was abusive? i can't see it, and honestly that just makes me scared that i do some of the same things and don't recognize it.

Hey, anon! This is a perfectly fine question and there’s nothing wrong with asking it (the issues lies in people who don’t see the abuse and then decided obviously that means it’s just not happening… and then go the extra mile of harassing the victim and their supporters). Thank you for asking! I’ll try to explain as best as I can, but the best advice I can give is to Google signs of emotional abuse and you can find a lot of lists of certain behaviors. Most are framed in terms of romantic relationships, but they can happen with friends, family, RP partners–anyone, in real life and online alike.Cut for length and general sensitive content dealing with emotional abuse and the dreaded “drama”

Here are some common ones that imo appeared in the logs:Isolation

Abusers often try to isolate victims from their friends/family and any other relations they might have. A sad and lonely victim makes for an easier target, as does one with no support network to help them escape their abuser. It also means less people around to find out about the abuser’s true nature. In the logs we see him try to cast doubt on her friends, telling her that her friends were bothering him and calling him “her keeper” or coming to him about her private conversations with them that they were displeased about (yet refusing to say who, to leave her questioning everyone), not mentioning her friends and tumblr followers were worried about her and trying to reach her until after the fact, etc.Walking on EggshellsA lot of people in abusive relationships describe it as feeling like “walking on eggshells.” They try to avoid doing things that might set off their abuser… but their abuser has to keep them from being content and confident to keep them in control, so they’ll find smaller and more irrational things to get upset at them about. Replying “if you want” to being asked about taking screenshots becomes a point of contention. “When are you going to stop being sad?” becomes an angry question. She’s blamed for deleting her own blog even though he knew she did it for her health/happiness. She’s blamed for the smallest inconvenience of people asking him if she’s okay even though she has no control over them choosing to reach out to him and for the most part didn’t even have any knowledge of it. Rather than answer them or ask them to stop contacting him, he ignores them, then blames her for him continuing to receive questions from them and the perception he believes that people think he had a falling out with her.

Gaslighting

This is what I saw the most of them in the logs and the most alarming thing. Gaslighting is turning everything around on the victim and making them doubt their own memory/sanity/intelligence/credibility. No, that didn’t really happen, you’re lying. No, what I did to you wasn’t that bad, it was normal, you’re just dramatic. No, I didn’t really say that, you’re misremembering. It’s a lot of lies, justifications, twisting words and scenarios, and taking things out of context.You can see how everything is spun as her fault and actually hurting him. Her deleting her blog is her fault. Him receiving messages about it is her fault. Her not doing anything about the messages is her fault, even though he just now told her it was bothering him, even though he just now told her he was still even receiving them past the first couple ones. Her being unhappy is her fault and a bother for him. Her not being enthused enough to do things with him is her fault, why doesn’t she appreciate that he so generously offered to hang out just to make her feel better? Obviously it’s all because she just hates him. He’s not treating her like an inconvenience, that’s just her mental illness telling her that. She tries to talk to him about her feelings and the way he’s treating her, and rather than acknowledging it, he turns it around–rather illogically and irrationally–about how he is actually the one being mistreated and inconvenienced.Passive Aggression

A classic way to make people feel like shit but then pretend you did nothing and act like it’s all in their head. Look at the language he uses. Calling her “childish and rash” for “expecting” him to answer messages about her even though she never said she expected that. “It’s better than nothing” when she tries to do something to address the people messaging him as soon as she finds out it’s bothering him. “I don’t think you handled something well - whatever - people handle things in different ways” in regards to her deleting her blog for her own happiness. “I would have hoped we could resolve the problem if we’d talked it over” as if he wasn’t the obstacle in that.Those are just a few examples from the first album (the others get into less passive aggression, and more… downright aggression but still have plenty of examples, “delete them - so you don’t just repost them later without my knowledge again.”).ControllingnessThe staple of abuse is an attempt to control the victim. Look how weirdly hung up he is on her deleting her own blog and not doing it in a way he approved of (I almost wonder if he’s upset because he lost the status points of having a “tumblr famous” ship partner?). Look at how, even after they stopped being friends, he wants to keep her character on his ship page after she’d asked him to remove it and he admits to intentionally doing it to make her talk to him and give him leverage over her. Look at how he won’t let her go talk to her own friends in private for advice regarding him and shames her for it being an invasion of “privacy,” as if the logs showed some personal/RL info and not just him being unreasonable. Look at how concerned he is with people on tumblr not assuming the two of them are on bad terms. Look at how, even after they stop being friends, he browses her blogs for posts he believes are about him and tries to tell her what she can and can’t say on her own blogs.It’s evident in his branding post, as well. If people cut ties with him on terms he doesn’t like, they can’t RP having a brand–because he said so. Even if they change the story of how they received it and what character gave it to them. Even if they had that idea before they met him and asked him to RP it with them. Even if they change the look of the brand so it’s no longer his design. This isn’t even a unique idea or something he came up with on his own. Branding slaves has been a RL practice. It’s been made into a trope with… pretty much every fictional slave storyline.And while I’m generally of the opinion of the opinion that IC =/= OOC, IC does not exist within a void unaffected by OOC and vice versa. It’s just speculation since there’s nothing wrong with RPing the type of character he does, but there could very well be a reason he’s drawn to an antagonist/rapist/slaver/abuser/sadist/kidnapper type character.Lack of Care for BoundariesShe says she doesn’t want to be friends anymore, she blocks him, she asks him to delete her number, so what does he do? He not only keeps her number, but texts her because he hopes she hasn’t blocked him there, too. Not even to make an apology, just to say “I would have hoped we could resolve the problem if we’d talked it over” as if he hadn’t been an obstacle in that and “if you change your mind, I’ll be here” to put the onus of fixing the problem on her. When that doesn’t seem to get a response? He keeps their ship on his page despite her asking him to delete it and says, “I used it to make a point, since I knew that you wouldn’t continue the conversation unless I had something to get your attention.” He knows she doesn’t want to talk to him, so rather than honoring it or even finding a respectable way to approach her and make amends… he’s does something against her wishes that he know will upset her so she’ll feel compelled to reluctantly reach out to him. And when he gets that platform he wanted, does he use it to apologize? Nooope! He uses it as leverage to make her delete her screenshots of their conversation.Ultimatums How do you make someone do something they want to do? Give them an alternative that’s even worse. You want your name removed from my ship list so people don’t think you’re associated with me after you’ve realized I’m not someone you want to be around? You have to message me, delete your logs of our conversation, and not say anything about me. You don’t want me to embarrass you by posting logs of your confession to me and me rejecting you? You shouldn’t do things I don’t like, then… oh, but I’d never actually do that, don’t worry, silly! :) :) :)General Narcissism There are numerous times he demands he should be more appreciated. I did all these things to try to cheer up you, be grateful no matter how I’m treating you now. I’ve been so nice to you, how dare you say you feel like I don’t care even when I’m disregarding your feelings. Heck, look at the posts about his rules regarding his branding. He acts like it’s a revolutionary idea he came up with all his own and anyone he’s RPing with is being graced with this groundbreaking idea and if they keep some element of it in their RP after cutting ties with him they’re just “piggy-backing off" his time, effort, and energy to make up for their “lack of creativity” like srsly dude??Even though he refuses to apologize or acknowledge any wrongdoing, he really wants her to forgive and her to make things up to him, to still be his friend, to still have a positive opinion of him so he won’t lose that control. He can’t just let things die. Look at how many times he brings up being “villified” to her friends, the community, etc. He is desperate to have the world see him in a good light, which goes back to the other things mentioned. Control over the perceptions people have of him. The power of popularity and being liked to better isolate victims. Respect from the community to lend credibility that he’s trustworthy and definitely not gaslighting.

And not directed at you, anon, but in general.. for all the people trying to spin at as someone mad they got rejected who was actually terrorizing him… really? The only person who brought up her feelings in the logs was him doing it to spite her. idk I’ve dealt with a lot of admirers not taking rejection well and lemme tell you, I don’t invite them to hang out IRL (I try to avoid seeing them IRL, actually), I don’t ask them to hang out with me in game, I don’t go to lengths to contact them when they’ve blocked them, I don’t ship with them and try to parade it on my blog even after the ship has been retconned, I don’t desperately try to stay in contact with them and convince them to see me in a positive light, I don’t manipulate them into messaging me when I know they don’t want to talk, I don’t try to control their lives and their blogs, and I definitely don’t threaten them with ultimatums. Honestly, nobody deserves that in any context, even if they were a terrible person themselves.

#discourse #long post #longpost

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codename-bewareofthefangirl · 7 years

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1/13 KnB matchup please? I'm 5'3, a bit skinny, with black hair and eyes and wearing eyeglasses 'cause of my poor eyesight. I'm pretty simple, always likes to wear shirts/blouses and jeans to go out. I'm Aquarius, INFJ, with a hypersensitive personality and mild social anxiety, I also have some symptoms of OCD. I'm kinda weird - not in an emo or gothic kind of weird (no offense meant) - but I actively try not to conform or be the same as other people. I don't like

2/13 being mainstream. For my positive traits, I’m very considerate and thoughtful to other people, like I always filter what I say depending on the mood and situation, and I always look out for others. I’m the youngest in the family, so it makes me really happy when I can also take care of other people, especially when I’m treated like an older sister and depended on by those younger than me. I’m a generally sweet person, on my own will I tend to do little things for other people so they wouldbe spared from the burden.

I’m very passionate when it comes to the one thing I love and am very loyal to it. I have a childlike personality, like I’m literally a kid when it comes to speaking and acting (although I’m way too old). But deep inside I’m actually a deep person, and a mature thinker and feeler. For my negative traits, I’m too perceptive about things to the point of being somewhat cynical and, sometimes, untrusting. I always think behind the motivation of a person in doing be spared from the burden. I’m very passionate when it comes to the one thing I love and am very loyal to it. I have a childlike personality, like I’m literally a kid when it comes to speaking and acting (although I’m way too old). But deep inside I’m actually a deep person, and a mature thinker and feeler. For my negative traits, I’m too perceptive about things to the point of being somewhat cynical and, sometimes, untrusting. I always think behind the motivation of a person in doing5/13 way, I get cold and distant when I’m angry. I’m pretty stubborn, too. When it comes to dealing with people, I’m too shy and have low self-esteem. I am socially awkward, I’m lacking with regards to the communication department (I always worry whether people get bored with the things I talk about so it’s hard for me to maintain a conversation other than the basic greetings). That’s why I avoid being around people a little too much. I’m a loner, and I enjoy my time alone. I like having my 6/13 personal space, without being disturbed or demanded of my time and attention. I keep to myself, just reading or surfing the net. I’m a quiet person (although I can also be talkative when the mood is festive or when I’m talking about my interests with someone I’m completely comfortable with). I’m too cowardly, never wanting to step out of my comfort zone, so I often avoid fears and confrontations as much as possible by escaping reality (I drown myself in my interests). I’m dramatic and a 7/13 worrier. There’s a part of me that wants to please other people and have them accept me. Sometimes I even tend to act out of character because I think people would find the real me uninteresting, though it doesn’t mean I’m doing drastic measures just for that, I only try to be more agreeable, I guess. I fear rejection, and as a defense mechanism I tend to reject others before they can reject me. It makes me distant from the people I love. I mentioned that I’m passionate about the ONE THING 8/13 I love, which means I can only like one thing at a time - I’m single-minded to the point of obsession. The positive side of that is loyalty, the downside is I can’t be bothered to care for anything else when my sole focus is the current thing I’m interested in. However, I have a short attention span so I also get swayed easily and switch interest, which means loyalty changes as well. My attitude depends on the attitudes of people around me - when they’re nice to me, I tend to be nicer. But 9/13 if they do something I see as inappropriate towards me or people/things I care about, I abandon all nice thoughts and act coldly. I also have too much pride, I don’t want people to see me hurt or cry. I don’t apologize first (if I even). I hold grudges, although I don’t tell those people what my problem with them is. They know I’m mad, but they don’t know why. Since I’m a loner and barely talk when I’m not in the mood, I appear to be absorbed in my own world and have an I-don’t-care 10/13 attitude, but deep inside I care a lot. I just very seldom act on those feelings. When I make up my mind about something, nobody can sway me into thinking otherwise. I don’t like being told what to do (if I’m going to do something for other people as what I mentioned above, it has to be of my own will. I’m not good in taking orders or requests from people). I don’t listen to advice of other people; I like to take credit and responsibility for every good and bad things that happen in my 11/13 life. If I fail, it’s my fault. If I succeed, it’s because of my own doing. // I’m comfortable with a person who shares my interest, or someone who I feel won’t judge me no matter what silly things I say. I like to be understood - that’s kinda impossible though for someone who doesn’t talk; but when I find someone who’d make me really open up my heart, I’d love to tell them everything about me and have them deeply understand me). I have great dislike for judgmental, unfair, and arrogant 12/13 show-off people. Watching violence makes me uncomfortable (one time I watched a play on political dirt and violence and it made me so scared that I cried all throughout). My hobbies are watching anime and horror movies, reading manga and novels, daydreaming, writing, surfing the net, collecting stuff like action figures and manga of my favorite anime, listening to music, and sleeping. I grew up being a ‘child’ all the time so it’s already my nature (like I can literally roll or lay 13/13 sprawled on the ground or jump around the house and it’s an everyday normal thing for me. I speak babyishly, too – except when I’m outside or with people I don’t know), but everyone in the family and relatives know I’m a baby. I’m very simple, conservative, and reserved. I’m pretty formal when I talk, I’m like an old school type of girl. And I like old school stuff too. I don’t have interests in girly things like make-up, dresses, fashion, bags, shoes. I’m an otaku through and through.

Hi dear! Since it was very detailed, I had a hard time picking the right one. However, now I’m pretty sure of my decision, I hope you’ll like it too.

Kuroko Tetsuya adores you.

At first, he was struck by your gentle, caring, loyal side. Noticing however, how diffident and reserved you were, he approached you slowly and quietly, winning your trust every day. He was a gentle, constant presence by your side.

Now he also knows your prideful, strong-willed and original side and deeply admires it.

You don’t have to bother too much about expressing yourself, because thanks to his observational skills he always reads you right and respects your privacy or your desire to be left alone sometimes. Nonetheless, he loves listening to you with the outmost attention and acceptance, while you talk about your interests and things that make you happy. Sometimes you mange to drag him into your obsessions too, ending up sharing the same interests. Being himself a very quiet and reserved person himself too, silence or afternoons spent together relaxing and enjoying each other’s presence are not a problem. When outside, he always pays attention that you feel comfortable, ready to drag you away if something upsets you.

He’s usually the mature one, but you now his childish and pranking side, so the two of you sometimes just drive Kagami crazy. He treats you like a princess and always make sure that you feel loved and cared about, trying to help you raising your self esteem. He also encourages you being yourself, assuring you that you’re lovable and the best girl he has ever met. He’s not bothered by your childish side, he actually finds it adorable and loves to spoil you a bit.

When you two are mad at the same time, nobody wants to stand in your way, because you are terrifying. Being both very stubborn, sometimes you clash but nothing irreversible. Kuroko is also very jealous and tries his best to win your attention and avoid you being swayed away, surprising you in the most unexpected moments.

#Matchup

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