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mayaswell2000 · 4 months

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When I was young (2): Cousin Yumi

Yesterday I was reading a book and got asked "who's the one role model for you and what are their qualities?" At the moment, I couldn't think of anyone.

How is that possible? I'm 35 years old and I can think of no one to look up to? For a long time, it was my mom. I thought she was a victim and a winner because she turned me into a "winner" on paper. Then I realized she was actually a deeply abused person who also abused me emotionally growing up. So she's out.

Then I thought of Eric's Aunt Sharmen, a doctor at her 60s. She takes care of dying people and travels around the world via a boat with her husband once in a while. She skis a lot and raised 3 wonderful sons. But again, what's the true admiration? I admire that she has a well-paid and respectable job, that she can still work at her 60s, that she can travel all around the world, that she is a successful mom? It all seems effortless to her.

And today when I was on the road, Yumi came across my mind. She's my closest cousin. I looked up to her so much growing up. Under One Child Policy, she IS like my sister I never got to choose to have. Yumi is two years older than me. Her mom is my mom's older sister. Her parents are both working-class factory workers who never went to college, given the social environment back in China. My grandparent are abusive asshole parents, to my mom and her mom.

She took me to places my parent never took me to. She talked to me the way my mom would never do.

One time she came to my essential school to pick me up. This boy classmate was on the way out too. He saw me and called my name from afar. Yumi said, your classmate is cute, maybe he likes you! I could blush so easily!! But that's the kinda of thing only your sibling would say.

She would take me to eat An Hui wonton at the food stand downstairs of her condo in the MIDNIGHT. She would take me to eat KFC and McDonalds frequently, which was such a luxurious experience in 90s China.

She would show me the popular Japanese shows at the time, shows like a 16-year-old falling love with his teacher (魔女的條件);She would take me to roller-skating with her then "boyfriends";She would take me shopping for cute clothes (She has such a good taste in fashion, at some point she was a luxury store saleswoman);She would introduce me to every one of her boy friends. She also got to own a couple of dogs (we used to hang out in grandparent's neighborhood and ran into one dog named Huahua -- a typical brown-looking TuGou in China).

She would take me snowboarding with her boyfriend, now husband Kevin. She would take me on the back of her bike, with me standing at the back, like I could fly. She was the one who taught me typing on a keyboard, which is a lifelong skill I'm using everyday now. I can type fast and blindly thanks to that one-time learning session from her. She learned typing on a typewriter in technical secondary school "Zhong Zhuan" after her parents' divorce. She would take a bunch of friends over to her place to celebrate my birthday ( I can't remember how old I was, maybe 8 or 9) It was the first birthday "party" I can ever remember. All her friends were kind enough to bring me gifts. Her dad even bought me a birthday cake. I remember I memorized the zodiac order that day. Later in the day, we went on a ferry to cross the bund.

You see, Yumi showed me a world of "can'ts". I had so many "can't-do" in my childhood. Ice-cream, no! (Turns out it's because Asians are mostly lactose-intolerant not because ice-creams are "BAD") KFC/McDonald's, no! (Even though they have the coolest toys and yes, they have ice-creams too) Having dogs or cats, absolutely not! (my mom has OCD and is a neat freak) Shows about love and relationships, of course no! Dating and thinking about boys? 1000% no! Only bad girls would do that, and yes Yumi was considered a bad girl, super-duper cool in my eyes.

Yumi never went to high school or college. Her grades got really bad in junior high during her parents' divorce. My mom told me her dad visited a "massage" place and cheated on her mom. Her mom got crazy mad and went to his bus company to make a scene. She also cut off all his clothes. I don't know how much of that was exposed to Yumi directly but I can imagine how disappointed she was toward both of her parents.

At 14, she was already disillusioned with her parents, especially with her mom. My disillusion came along 20 years later. I envy her for that. She could leave her toxic home so early in life but I couldn't. Can you imagine? A 14-year-old girl chose which parent to go with in court. She ended up choosing to live with her dad and later moved to PuXi (West side of the bund in Shanghai) and got far away enough from her mom.

You see, Yumi was the one who showed me a taste of freedom in my childhood and adolescence. She showed me that freedom was possible. Happiness was possible. Doing what you like as a kid was possible. Life isn't all about home work, grades, exams, mom's pride or anger, dad's approval or disapproval, yelling and fighting. Life CAN be about happiness. And happiness CAN be in your own hand. She was already so brave and determined at the age of 14.

You see, she achieved independence so young, while I am still struggling to find independence even today.

OK I have a confession to make. I'm a snitch bitch. Maybe she still doesn't know or she knew but doesn't care anymore. I knew all along while she was dating Kevin. He was the manager of the skateboarding store she worked at. He's good at all kinds of sports -- skateboarding, snowboarding, motorbiking, fishing... He's the kind of guy Yumi wanted to marry -- fun and a hobbyist. There is one problem though: Kevin is divorced with a son, which is frowned-upon in China. She knew the kid when he was a little baby. I knew the kid when he was a baby, and man, wasn't he a cute baby?He's 14 years old now. Man, how time flies!

Yumi never told her mom about this like EVER. You see, she was scared of confronting her mom, a rare personality we share in common. She thought her mom was crazy and could do anything to sabotage her marriage. She was 100% right. She got to distance herself from her years ago and date whoever she liked. But marriage was different. It seems like Chinese parents naturally have a say in children's marriage. Such a privilege they got to abuse! If she knew, not in a million years she would agree to this marriage. And so, Yumi introduced Kevin to her mom, my Aunt Xiao Niang Niang, as a single childless man.

By the way, despite her craziness in dealing with relationships, Xiao Niang Niang is one of the few people who treats me well unconditionally. She successfully persuaded a key essential school headmaster to transfer me in, which changed my life forever (my old elementary school was full of bullies who sexually bothered girls). She lended my parents money when they needed to buy their condo. She lended me money again when I decided to go to the U.S. And she never asked the money back.

All along, Xiao Niang Niang didn't know about Kevin's history and his son. Yumi didn't know I told my mom the firsthand. We discussed about this a hundred times behind her back. Shameful right?! We were such toxic bitches! After 6 or 7 years after Yumi and Kevin got married, my mom told the older sister, and she told Xiao Niang Niang. Of course, she was not thrilled. She probably thought it was karma. Old Chinese people really don't approve of divorce and stepchildren even though she was a divorcee herself.

They kind of get along now. She call the kid her own grandkid, and Yumi isn't interested in having a kid of her own, which is no surprise given her awful childhood. It seems like they have some minor problem conceiving but in my opinion, it's a blessing again. They both work in a state-owned bus company, not rich but very comfortable. They can afford to ski anytime they want.

You see, Yumi knows what she wants from very young. She told me she wanted to get married before 26, and she did. She likes guys who are determined, and can show her a great time, and she finds herself one. She never yields from her own decision, no matter what she hears.

She's affirmative in all her life choices. No hate, no regret, no doubt. Not a bit.

Not giving a shit about societal expectations and her parents' expectations, she created her own path and lives life on her own terms.

She got rid of her over-protective parent and went on her own journey. She chose to be a fashion saleswoman. She chose to date and marry this guy she loved regardless of his history. She chose to live the life as she wanted it to be. It may be far from perfect in other people's eyes but she couldn't care less. This is her life.

I wish I had the courage to do things on my own. I wish I had the bad luck to be away from the toxic family drama earlier. I wish every choice of my life was made by myself. Maybe I could be happier now this way. Maybe I could be a different me.

I'm so happy for Yumi.

There's no single boring moment around her. She's a great sister to me, and one of the most interesting and independent people I know.

I miss her.

It's such a lonely world, so I'm forever grateful that we were so close when we were young. She was so generous to share her joyful moments with me, allowing me to experience freedom, happiness and the purest and most loving company. So that young me wasn't a total loner and bummer.

THANK YOU and I love you Yumi!

#-#childhood #chinese #nolstagia #autobiography #diary #personal

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