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withhowsadsteps · 4 years

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marry me - matthew connelly (hatym)

a/n: like all of my previous texts too this was not proofread, lol sorry. also this is kinda all over the place, woops. a side note: I have no clue how college/uni works in Ireland but I tried to read a little bit quite quickly from the website of Trinity College (the English studies) – I also didn’t wanna be ignorant and fuck up so I just did not use any irish slang etc.

warnings: mention of rape, drugs and alcohol. and suicide. spoilers kinda if you haven’t read the book (I cant fucking wait to see the movie if I’ll ever see it in my country…)

-- --

I met Matthew in college. I wanted to better my writings, so I decided to attend a course for creative writing, even though I knew that none of the other first-years were going to do so. I felt like a child lost in a shop without a guardian, just a small freshman. I felt That is where Matthew came into the picture. The last free seat was in the front row, to my left. I had taken the window seat, being one of the first students in the smallish lecture room. He was the last to come in, so he had no choice but to sit next to me. Like most of the others, his third year at the college had just started. “I have not seen you here before”, he said to me and basically swept me off of my feet just by looking at me.

He asked me out six months after we first met. I was unsure why he would ask me out, but I agreed. He took me to the movies and afterwards we just sat outside in a park, watching the stars shining over us. That is when he told me that he is trying to change is life, that he felt like getting to college is like getting a second chance at life. He said that he was surprised he got in, but that he would try his hardest to succeed. I did not ask for his backstory. I figured he would tell me, if he wanted to.

I fell for him, slowly. He let me read his texts sometimes. He said that he used to be a shitty writer, but I didn’t believe him. His poems were intense, dark, but very beautiful. Mine weren’t too happy either. I was healing from my own past. I let him read them sometimes, but not too often. I didn’t want him to think that I was too clingy. I didn’t know if he liked me as much as I liked him, I couldn’t risk anything.

One late Friday night he called me. He was very drunk. I had not seen or heard him like that ever before. He was crying and mumbling. I couldn’t understand anything else but, “I have to see you; I have to tell you something”. So, I sneaked out of the house, trying not to wake up my family. He apologized to me that he was drunk. He said that he knew that he promised never again to be so drunk. He said that he would never in his life touch drugs again but that he almost did tonight. “Love, what on earth are you saying”, I whispered. And that is when he told me about his friends, about all the drugs and alcohol. About the little girl he saw die, about basically murdering his own friend. About how he fucked up with Jen, how he couldn’t fuck her because of the drugs in his system. I didn’t know what to say. I was shocked, but at the same time I wasn’t. I had read his text and they made even more sense now.

For a week he didn’t answer my calls, my texts. I didn’t see him at the college. Then finally, he came back to me, but did not explain why in the hell he had been avoiding me. I told him that I didn’t mind his past. “I just need you to speak to me Matt, please. I need you to tell me the truth”, I said to him.

My past wasn’t too perfect either. I got drunk for the first time when I was 13. That was when I first met my first love. He was 14 at the time and he was ‘a bad boy’. He smoked and drank and of course I wanted to look cool in his eyes. I got too drunk to understand what was going on. We dated for four years, until I found out that he had raped me that night. But I couldn’t tell Matthew, not now. I wanted to be strong for him, my own troubled past could wait. He promised me he wouldn’t do anything stupid again, and I believed him.

We started dating. I told him about my past, how I was still trying to process everything. He held me tightly trough many sleepless nights, wiping the tears from my cheeks. He never tried to touch me without being completely sure of what I wanted. He made me feel safe, I trusted him.

Our relationship started getting kind of rocky while I was still in college and he had already graduated. He would ignore me for weeks at a time. He would get very drunk, and perhaps he would even get high, considering he was still sometimes hanging out with Rez and Cokcer. I still loved him though. No matter how troubled he was. I think he got worse every time he hung out with his old friends.

And here I’m standing outside, waiting for him. Thinking of all of our memories. I haven’t heard of him in a month. I don’t know what to do. I’m still so in love with him. I’m so in love with him, that I cry myself to sleep almost every night. My friends are getting married, getting pregnant. I crave that too, but I can’t imagine myself without Matthew. “Hey, princess”, his voice makes me jump a little. And then it shatters my heart in million pieces. The only person in the whole wide world who could call me princess without me hating it is him. “Look, Matt”, I start, my voice weak and already wanting to crack. I tried to hold back my tears. “You have to let me go, Matt”, I whisper. He doesn’t say a word, instead he cups my face into his hands and stares into my eyes like he has not seen them in a hundred years. “I had to clear my mind, darling”, he says, “I love you.” “You are breaking me, Connelly”, a faint sob escapes my lips.

And somehow, even after all the heartbreak I forgive him. I listen to his empty promises of getting better. My heart wins all the arguments between itself and my brains. I love him way too much. What will be enough for him? I have given him all of me, every single bit of me. I’ve let him heal me from my past, but he won’t let me help him heal. Or maybe he is letting me, maybe I just really am not enough. I don’t even know.

“Rez died. This time he really did take his own life”, Matthew says to me just as I am about to fall asleep beside him. My heart skips a beat or two. “I really needed to clear my mind. I didn’t want to drag you with me if I was to relapse”, he continues. I nuzzle closer to him and feel his arms wrap around me, his face finding its way in the crook of my neck. I can feel his tears against my skin. “Matt…”, I start but he shushes me, “I don’t want to talk about it right now”.

And when I wake up the next morning, he has not disappeared. He still is here, right beside me. Arms tightly holding me, warming me. “Marry me, princess”, he murmurs sleepily. “We’ll buy a house, start a family. Fuck. You’re the only thing that matters”, he continues now much more confidently. I open my eyes and turn my head so I can place my lips on his. A passionate kiss. Passionate, but gentle all at the same time. I pour my love for him into that kiss. “I will”.

#hatym #here are the young men #dean charles chapman #dean-charles chapman #dean chapman #dean charles chapman x reader #matthew connelly

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nothoughtsnoya · 3 years

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i cant write but i DO have brainrot so i just want to lay out this asanoya fic idea here that i’ve, like, extensively daydreamed about

ok so... movie/acting concept... i guess it’s like fake dating adjacent. this isnt an au or anything its just them being thrown into one of ennoshita’s short films. the idea is that he’s trying to buff out his portfolio and is begrudgingly writing a romance drama, but its like, artsy indie “i think romance is corny” kind of romance. its about a single dad who moves out to a rural town from the city, and his relationship with his neighbor who’s like, technically a freelance writer but actually mostly gets his income from doing millions of odd jobs and stuff. anyway ennoshita wanted daichi & suga for the part bc, like, duh. but theyre both crazy busy already bc uni entrance exams and prep on top of volleyball??? so he has to find other people, and lands on asahi for the dad bc... he’s just the only other person he can find that looks the part. unfortunately noya is the only person who can get asahi to go on camera, so he ends up playing the other lead, which everyone (including noya) is dubious about because this is such a slow paced, nothing happens kind of story, and theres no goddamn way he’s going to be able to stay grounded long enough for that. so they shoot a few scenes and its, like, okay? not great, not really right, but okay, because whenever they all help ennoshita out everyone really does their best, bc they know its important to him and getting to spend time making something together is pretty fun anyway.

but then they get to one scene where they’re talking about family & future & expectations, all quiet and comfy in nishinoya’s dimly lit living room with the tv turned down low, and halfway through noya just goes completely off script. what he’s saying is wildy different than what his character is supposed to be going through, and it’s blatantly obvious he just forgot they were recording and started talking about himself, and since noya is so goddamn earnest asahi just. goes along with him. but its the most genuine emotion theyve gotten out of either of them so far and it fucking works, maybe works better than what was in the script, so before tanaka can like, smack noya with the boom mic to get him back on track, ennoshita tells the crew to keep rolling and just kind of. lets noya & asahi talk. and when they play the footage back it captures exactly the feeling ennoshita wanted. so he just.. scraps the script. the main plot points are still kinda there, the settings he wanted and all that, but he really just tells them themes and lets them go... be themselves? and that’s what they do.

and the thing is—it was supposed to go, oh, they get together in the beginning, they have a nice relationship, but they fight and grow apart, they break up, and there’s supposed to be this bittersweet ending of, oh, it could’ve worked in different circumstances, but they were expecting this fairytale romance and couldn’t put in the work to really understand each other when the similarities ended, you know? that was the way it was supposed to go. but they get to the fight scene, and oh—this is where their strategy so far falls apart, because asahi & noya know what it’s like to fight. and fight they do; they stay close to the script on this one, because no one really wants to instigate a real fight between them, but everyone on set can still feel how close to home it’s hitting. and when they shoot the scenes right after, where the characters are supposed to be realizing, oh, this can’t work, we’re too different, we can’t bridge this gap—they give an incredible performance, but oh, no. oh, no, no, these are two people who desperately want to understand each other, who still trust each other deep to their core. when asahi cries over his kitchen sink, it isn’t, “I can’t go on like this with this man,” it’s, “I don’t want go on like this without him.” when noya slams his door shut, walks out towards a conversation confident and resolute, it isn’t, “time to face the music,” it’s “time to make things right.”

so when they come to set the next day, ready to put the nail in the coffin, ennoshita steps forward and tells them, okay. we’re changing this. I want you two to make up—I want you to just, to talk about that fight. talk about what’s going on in your heads, and figure it out, okay?

so they do.

and here’s the thing—ennoshita hates romance. he wrote a whole short film basically condemning the whole concept, saying, hey, here’s a couple that really should’ve been happy, but they couldn’t make it work. and he refused to even write in a kiss, because he hates that cinema seems to think that kissing in a movie means they’re in love. it doesn’t, not if they don’t have any chemistry, or effort, or time. so they don’t kiss on screen, in this script. not even in this drastic rewrite to the ending.

but they do hold each other. they hold each other tight, and noya nuzzles his face as far into asahi’s collarbone as he can, and asahi presses his mouth soft into noya’s hair and holds his head, and they whisper to each other, just barely audible, “I missed you,” and god, god, god. what kiss could ever compare to the simple warmth of an embrace.

the film goes through editing. asahi and noya... don’t really talk about it. they keep going on as they had, before, because neither one has brought it up, yet. too happy to let themselves fall back into something normal, because everything going on at the end there was so much, and they really did miss just being together, without cameras on them, without scrutiny.

the whole team gets together to watch it when it’s done, as they always do with projects like these. and noya curls himself into asahi’s side on the couch, the couch where they filmed the one scene that changed the course of the whole film, and they watch. and after its all said and done, after they congratulate ennoshita on a job well done, after they endure a lifetime’s worth of teasing, they walk home together. take a pause at a park. and they decide together, “I want to do this all over again, with you. Just us this time.”

so they do.

#listen. listen. LISTEN #yes this is stupid no i will not ever write it properly yes im still posting this ❤️#its for me and me only #one thoughts #long post #i put a read more but i don’t trust tumblr mobile so. im so sorry if it doesn’t work

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yennefer-stark · 4 years

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Rehab of a soldier

Part two

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Almost at midnight, I heard a scream wich reached the inside of my bones. Like he experiencing physical pain... I immediately ran to him.

-Hey... It's just me, Yennefer, can I come in?

-Please... --his voice was broken and quiet as he tried to holding back his tears.

-You had a bad dream --I sat down in his bed and swiped away his cold sweat. He didnt know what I wanted, so he sat there, completely frozen; when Buck realized that I mean no harm for him, he closed his eyes and leant into my palm-- Can...can you tell me your dream?

-They wiped me again because I said I knew him, the man on the bridge.

-You were right Bucky, You know who he is. Your childhood best friend. He still remember you even if you doesn't.... Should I go or should I stay?

-Please, stay with me...

-Are you sure?

He doesnt answered, just nodded with his head, so I laid next to him, because there wasnt so much space in his bed. For me, his hug with his metal hand was a surprise. I started to play with his hair. Once again, he froze by a sudden, then again, he relaxed. The next day, I woke up in an empity bed, I walked to the kitchen, where Steve cooked something, the radio quietly played some music.

-Do you met with him?

-Buck? No, I didnt.

-He might went to buy a few thing. I found him yesterday at the museum. He sat at your picture and he said, he remember one single date. July 4, 1918. After 70 years of torture and being frozen constanly, he still remembers.

-My birthday, and trust me, he remember much more than that. What do yo think, why we do this in secret?

-What kind of program he has in his arm? Unknown HYDRA right? When dad was an UNI student he hacked the Pentagon...

-How much time do you need Yennefer?

-Thats on Buck's arm... If something can go wrong, It will go bad sometime for sure. I dont want to be a bad person, but I'd be happy if his robotic arm cant fucntion properly. Do you spoke with Thor?

-No. He doesnt know where Loki went, he still search him.

After a few minute, Bucky come back from shopping, looked at me, than Steve, dead in his track. He arranged his face back to normal, while Steve just wanted to hug him.

-Not now Steve.

-Long time no see Buck.

-Long time ago? I dont remember. ... I think my name is Bucky and we went to italy...? And at another misson I fell from the train...?

At the end, Steve hugged his ex-assassin best friend, who pushed away him.

-Why did you do this?

-We used to greet like this.

-Really? Coz I remember only one date... July 4, 1918. I try to remember things, but after a time, it hurts... And I cant remember much more than that.

He placed the plastig bag in the table, then he went up to his room, he may closed the door with his metal hand, coz Steve an I heard a loud crashing sound.

-If the door is still in It's place it's a luck, that was forceful...

-True, but what I've done?

-You? You did nothing wrong, just your presence is new for him. Yesterday night he was so calm... He leaned into my hand when he figured out that I mean no harm to him.

-He doesnt seemed like a sleepless person, what did you done?

-It's... my secret, but if you forgive me, I have other things to do. Captain.

With a slightly evil grin I turned away from him, and then I went up to Bucky's room. The door wasnt there, just the frame.... The man behind the door's piece was stressed and tense. When he saw me, his eyes radiated pure fear and started to backing away.

-I didnt wanted to destroy the door, I'm sorry. I think something happened with my hand...

-Come on, I can do something with it.

-What can you do with it?

-You'll see, trust me.

I saw the pure terror and complete fear in his eyes as he leaned against the wall. I dont know what HYDRA did with him, but I'm sure they broke him into million pieces and this fact broke me a bit too.

-Before I start this whatever, I will ask you a few question, but I dont know that... You're able to answer the questions...

-What questions?

-How much do you want to be free? How much do you want to know them dead?

-So you say, I will be free and no longer under commands? Finally I can be free from them?

-Yes. I can guarantee that.

-Who are you?

-Lemme say, that you met with my grandparents...

His face was so pale when I said that he met with them. After I implanted the blocker, he experienced a littlebit of pain, coz he didnt used to have opinions and peace, and the program just blocked all of those. I meant the HYDRA-programs...

-You might have nightmares still, but at least, they cannot use you anymore. You're free Buck.

-If I find Rumlov or Pierce... I'll kill them without hesitation.

-Take it easy Buchanan, you have so much time. Will you come with me for breakfast?

-They rarely call me like that.

-I hope that it isnt a problem.

I walked into the kitchen with a smirk on my lips, where the Captain raised one of his eyebrows and asked me with that.

-I think he's super confused, and I'm sure those bastards will come to take him back.

Bucky was still afraid but he walked with more confidence than last night. I know it that he need some time to get used to his new surroundings and that fact he doesnt need to kill anymore. The program blocked all of the HYDRA commands. But still, he looked at Steve like he doesnt know him.

-You said that we used to be very good friends...

-You said to me that you're with me till the end of the line.

-I hope you didnt done anything stupid...

-I can not promise that...

-Steve... Dont lie. Or do I need to tell that you love jumping out from planes without parachute? Or that story when you fall 100 meters when we smoked out the HYDRA from SHIELD?

-You didnt changed a damn thing.

We sat down and ate all our breakfast and after that, Steve washed away the dishes, then went away, coz he had serious things to do, he left heavy silence between me and Bucky. His cerulean-greyish eyes hide the most, almost unbearable pain, his walnut brown hair softly framed his features and it was long as Loki's hair...soulder lenght with a little bit of stubble. Completely different from Loki, but as charming as him... But I dont need to pining on things like that, but still... Months went away sinse we had a really heated argument and at the end, I made him leave. He left me in his trademark scent: cinnamon, mint, pine forest and old book.

-What are you thinking about?

-Nothing. Why you would be interested in my problems?

-Its good to tell your problems to strangers.

-But I know who you are.

-You stil can tell me.

-I dont want it.

-You want me to find out?

-Just ask Steve then, he knows what my problem is... I trained with him in the gym, in fact till this day, buf... I got a friend who doesnt liked this..

-Thats good, coz you can train with Steve.

-No, no. Dont misunderstood the situation. He was the best; in everything, well, almost everything.

-How he looked out?

-Tall, like the door over there, shoulder lenght black hair, and gorgeous green eyes. They were envious of him tho... Our relationship doesnt started so well. It's still hard to talk about but this happened almost a year ago... I mean... Our quarell...

-How...how much time do you two...?

-Almost four years. But if you dont mind, I'm going to my room and do some paperwork.

The truth was that I wanted to cry alone, in my room which was still full of Loki's scent.... That doesnt matter that other metal things were here, the God was way stronger. This was the main cause why I cried, but his abscene... was at such level that I started to cry when I saw green... After a few minutes I heard a quiet knock on my door, so I opened up with cried-out eyes.

-Still doesnt matter what's the problem?

-Yes, coz if I tell you, you will laugh at me...

-Why would I do that?

-Soo... I had a very serious and heated quarell with him, and I made him go away. That was a mistake tho; and I start thinking that he's with another.

-Let it go, but as I see, it's not easy to do. Since there is such a scent in your room?

-Since I met with him. It's his trademark scent.

-My hand...

-Do I need to fix it again? I can paint something if you want. Just say it.

-No. What do YOU need?

-Nothing? I have everything. Family, job, money, adrenalin, stress. --he moved closer, and grabbed my hand with his right. As if he knew what powers I own, he looked right in my eyes.

-I'm traumatised, not blind. Dont think that I wont see what you miss.

He let go of my hand, and left me in my room. I went after him, maybe too fast, coz he frooze in his track, and this was the moment I almost regret my whole life.... I kissed him, thanks to an accident. He may thought that I wanted to do because he hugged me at my waist. When I pulled away, Bucky smiled like Loki used to. Not in the mischievous way, more likely in a happy way.

-I...I didnt wanted ...

-I do. Do you want it again?

-I dont know... I have a boyfriend...

-Who went missing a year ago, let it go, you deserve better.

-But you didnt know.... He's not from earth.

-Then Pierce, Rumlov and Zola too...

@winterbuckytho @i-smell-penniess @itsbuckyb1tch

#james buchanan barnes #the winter solider imagine #the avengers #kiss #steve rogers

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maniession-blog · 5 years

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The email that was never sent

Dear Psychiatrist,

Just to clarify, I've officially turned 18! this april! (April 9th to be exact). I hope this means that everything I tell you. there's now no need for you to ever ever ever tell my mother. I do understand however that you need to alert police or hospital authorities in the case that I am of harm to myself or others. Please, just dont tell my mum. I need help. i had my IELTS speaking test today, and the rest of them, writing reading listening, tomorrow (Sunday). everything was going fine today. i was studying for tomorrow. then my mum came home. my brothers away on study camp and step dad wasnt home yet. so it was just her and I talking at the dining table. at the end, she saw i wasnt wearing this bracelet my deceased dad gave to her which she passed on to me. she said if i wasnt going to wear it i shld pass it back to her. I said okay. then she said "go get it now."I went upstairs tried to look for it. I've known for a while now that its missing and I have tried numerous times looking for it. she came up and saw me looking. i told her i couldnt find it. she exploded... (i knew she would) said things like if i dont find it she'll never forgive me. she cant stand to look at me... etc. i continued to tear my room apard, took the mattress off my bed. took of the bed sheet, pillow sheets. All things ive done before. I knew i wouldnt find it. I know the maid stole it. I've asked her about it.. she just said I should keep my things properly. anyways. then i went to my mums room, asked if she could check cctv footage. she exploded once again. asked why i didnt tell her earlier. went on on the idea that I didnt care about the bracelet. i was just lazy. useless... disgusting, a spoilt brat. you get the gist.. so i went back to my room, and while she was saying all these mean things to me, the only thing that wld comfort me was this voice in my head saying "its okay dont cry now, not in front of her, you can go hurt yourself when you're alone, it'll come soon enough." and thats what I did. then she came into my room, and i ran into the shower and played it off as if i were showering all the while. now the thing that really upsets me. is that. I feel my whole world crumbling. like for some reason my life is over and I feel so trapped. she's made me feel like this multiple times, but id comfort myself with the idea that I'd leave to uni. but now that time has come, and I've failed myself. I didnt get into any universities in the UK. Im trying to reapply this year to I get into the 2020 sept intake. but you see, without doing well on my ielts tomorrow, I dont see how this is possible. I didnt get to revise today, half as much as i would've wanted to. plus its already 10pm, my exam's at 8am tomorrow, and my mum doesnt want me to sleep until I've cleaned my room. this is after she's completely ransacked everything. its gonna take me hours to clean. this leaves me with no time to study, insufficient sleep and too broken of a heart to do well tomorrow. Again, the only thing that comforted me while my mum yelled at me while she ransacked my room, was the idea of right after she left my room, me proceeding to kill myself. because there really is no other hope right. I cry because i picture my mum finding me in a pool of blood with the life sucked out of me. I cry because i find this image comforting. how she'd rethink all the mean things she said to me, how she wishes she could take them back but never can. for her to see right before her eyes how much she's hurt me. I imagine my brother getting a call about my incident. him regretting never having hugged me after the millions of times i've begged him to. even on my birthday. my mum has left my room and i lie on the floor typing up this email, fighting the urge to slit my wrists on my bathroom floor.

I want help because i want to be a neurosurgeon. i dont want to die.

My mind has cleared. I do promise I'm not going to kill myself. not tonight or anytime soon at least.

#help #suicide #selfharm #depression #bipolar #mum #family #tradgedy #pain #die #killme #failed #failure #pathetic

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perfectionistincrisis · 7 years

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My little bro

My brother left last night. 30th August, 02 15am. As I am typing this, he is still flying. It will take him about 30 hours in total to reach his dorm room. Around 28 hours till he reaches Edmonton where his uni is (University of Alberta) from where he will be received by people from the uni.

I knew it will affect me when he leaves because every time I used ti think of him leaving it used to heart and my eyes used to get all watery. And i mean all watery, not just like a tiny drop of tear playing hide and seek in my eyes. But I had no clue at all that I would feel how I am feeling right now. And that is because I have never in my life experienced this ever before this very day.

When he left, its like a piece of me is not with me anymore. I was sad and I was angry. I don’t know who I was angry at. Maybe I was angry because I am sad and also angry at someone, but I don’t know who. More like I wanted to be angry at someone but I don’t know on whom. And that sadness and anger slowly turns into emptiness and then I keep looking at his pictures and my heart shatters into a million pieces. To me, he is so young and innocent. I remember the first day I saw him in the hospital when he came to this world and I have seen him every single day more or less for over 21 years of my life right in front of my eyes and then suddenly he is behind a glass wall and then he is walking away and then he is out of sight & the next thing I know, if Allah wills, I will be able to see him again after 8 whole months.

I look at pictures of him, and whenever I see his face I keep thinking of how his life will be completely different. It will honestly be a huge list if I begin to mention every single thing that will be different, and not just different but a significant transition indeed for him. And let me emphasize on the word ‘significant’ again. Honestly, this is how it comes in my head - The only thing he actually does not have to worry about is ‘cooking’ & a job for now. Or else as he reaches Canada, he has to do everything from making a bank account, and health insurance to his weekly laundries, waking up on his own for his classes ( I still don’t know if that will work out) and .. I just cant! I mean even the fact that he will have to grab his own breakfast from the cafeteria and no one will come and hand it to him hurts me. I guess I feel too much. But like I said, I never felt this way before.

The moment my brother was out of sight at the airport and I realized that the next 8 months it is just the 4 of us here...

Suddenly, everything in this world, & I literally mean it.. Suddenly, every single thing in my entire life that has ever caused me pain or made me worried or is some crisis I am facing in my life right now seemed so small. So very small in front of the heart break I felt the moment I realized he left. None of my problems feels bigger than this situation I am facing. And that is when I realized how strong this bond of blood is. I can trade my world to see my baby brother happy and knowing that even if is not hitting him as much now (Well, he didn’t even reach his destination yet. So duh it will take a while) but there will be a million moments when he will feel sad and alone. And being aware of this fact kills me over and over again & if it were possible, I would ask Allah to trade that pain to me instead of ever letting him feel sad ever... But of course, that is so irrational. Lol. I mean life is not perfect. This world is temporary & these are tests from Him. Life comes with ups and downs and it is normal. And we have to do our best with all that we have and always be grateful Alhamdulillah.

And then I realize that I am just his elder sister. But.. My mom.. I was always worried about how she will handle it. In fact, before my brother actually left, all these months, weeks, days, I was actually more worried about my mom handling the fact that he is leaving rather than the fact that he is actually leaving. So yeah.. My mom had been holding it inside of her for so long, that the moment we entered and sat in the car she just could not hold it any longer. My dad was at the store to get water bottles and my brother was saying good bye to the shop keepers of the shops right next to our building and my mom just cried out so loud in the car. And she has been crying out loud ever since. Her cries are even louder than mine when I get the episodes in the middle of the night at times.. But thank god, my brother wasn’t there right then.

The moment my brother went out of sight, a piece of my heart, a huge piece just went away with him. It took me almost an entire minute to grasp the idea that only four of us will be leaving from the airport and that inshaAllah it will be eight long months before five of us can go back home together..

And then I realized that if this new feeling I am experiencing right now beats all my life’s crisis from over 21 years, then “How will my mother be feeling?” ~ Judging from the ‘way she raised my brother up’, I swear I can’t imagine what the answer to that question is.. But all I did is ‘hear’ the answer to that question in my mom’s cries.. But I must say, my mom is so strong mashAllah.. The way she keeps her pain to herself, always trying not to let it cause anyone else any trouble..

And then -finally- it hit me.. that if that is how I feel, and then there is how my mom feels, but all our love is nothing compared to how much Allah loves him... SubhanAllah. And the moment I realized that, all I want to do is keep praying to Him to look after my little brother so well.. and to help my mom find peace in my heart..

This is a very intense moment right now. It hasn’t even been 24 hours yet & my brother has not even reached his destination yet and all, and that is why all these feelings are hitting so hard.. I know this will never completely go away, but with time, inshaAllah it will be easier to handle. Although, I have talked about all the ‘hard to process’ feelings, we are not all literally sitting in four separate corners and grieving. We all talk, do regular stuff, and then talk about my bro, and track his flights and count hours, check time zones, laugh. Relatives and family friends keep calling from time to time and some came to visit to check in on my mom. Seeing mom over the years, everyone has an idea of how it will break her. Right now mom doesn’t answer all calls because she will burst out crying in between she knows, but I answer and update them about my bro. And some mom answers and yes, still can’t hold it together. But then she does stop crying and smile again. And laugh too. Everything will be okay inshaAllah <3

To end. Some details about my brothers journey. It is from Riyadh to Milan, Italy (6 hours) where he spent 5 more hours at the airport and then got on the plane for Toronto, Canada (8 hrs 45 mins) - and right now from the tracking information, his plane has landed in Toronto. Right now, he is expected to be taking an interview and getting his actual student visa after which he will have to spend around 4 more hours at the airport before his 3rd flight to Edmonton (4 hrs) Once he reaches there, all he has to do is collect his baggage and get received by the people from his uni who will take him to his dorm. It will be around 11pm or 12 midnight by the time he reaches his dorm. And then his orientation starts the next morning at 8 30 am so he needs to be up at around 7 since he needs to get ready and walk to his campus which is around 10 to 15 minutes away. His orientation will be till 6 pm with a breaks in between though where he needs to take care of other things like making a bank account and getting a mobile sim card. He has one of his friends with him so that is a good thing!

p.s. I really believe everything will be okay. I have complete trust in Allah. It is just that this is a totally new experience for us and it is very intense.

Ahh. That’s it for now!

xox

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i-amusemyself · 7 years

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All Emoji Asks.

🐰 what is one secret youve never told anyone?I don't really have that many secrets. I guess theres a side of my personality that I spend a lot of energy supressing like hell that I hate with a passion.💗 if you could hug anyone, who would it be?Right now? My best friend right next to me or my friend back home.🐹 what are some of your favourite pokemons and why?I mean, I only ever played pokemon go, but from that I loved the squirtles and the evees just bc theyre cute af🌠 if you were in charge of the world what would it be like?A lot more chilled out. Chill pills would be mandatory.👀 what was the most recent vivid dream you had?Okay I had two freaking weird ones the other night?In one I was a 10 y/o muslim girl going to a new primary school and while I was there I started raising money for a cancer charity.In the other I was taking a really hard A level maths exam and getting stressed and mad bc everyone kept talking and I couldnt finish it in time.☀ what do you like most about your best friend?EVERYTHING?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Idk, I guess how forgiving and layed back she is. She always tries to understand and see things from your point of view.😘 talk about your crush or partnerLmao I'm alone 😂 I do have a crush but its a million miles from mutual so like, shes amazing but boi it hurts 😂💁 if someone was rude to you would you be rude back?Depends on how well I know them and what they're like tbh. I'll banter, but I avoid confrontation.🌟 what do you like about yourself? (3 things)😂😂😂 wow erm...1. I always try and put in all the energy I have if someone/something needs it2. I make loads of terrible puns its gr93. I really dont have any other qualities idk🐾 what are you scared of most? How will you overcome it?👏 I'm terrified of abandonment 👏 aaaand as of yet I have no idea how to deal with it ngl🎁 what never fails to make you happy?Really good stand up commedy or my favourite music💙 what annoys you about some people?Their complete lack of self-awareness. Idk, maybe I'm low key jealous too but srsly some people????😤 do you get angry easily?Yeah. I keep pretty good tabs on it so you probs wouldnt know it, but if something upsets me, chances are I'm hella pissed too.🐇 what do you always daydream about?Dramatic and upsetting situations or drunk situations 😂🌻 if you could change 3 things about the world what would you change?1. Sort out equality and all that jazz2. Divide up the land more equally, bc it pisses me off that some people are living in tiny cramped shacks and others have 100 mile square farms.3. End capitalism and with that make all necessary services free.🍓 send me 4 names: kiss, befriend, kill or marry?Anon?✈ what is your dream city and why?I mean Ive always wanted to go to copenhagen but theres no guarantee its gonna be my fave. My fave so far is Amsterdam bc its so peaceful and the architecture is to die for.☕ talk about your ideal day?Spend it with my best friend/crush. Lay in bed late and be lazy and watch good TV/movies. Maybe go out in the afternoon to not go stir crazy and entertain ourselves. Stay up kinda late talking about deep shit, lying underneath the stars.🌸 are you an introvert, ambivert or extrovert?Ambivert!💧 when was the last time you cried?Yesterday lmao 😂 i havent gone more than 2 days without crying in the past week 😧 I just got myself into a nice Depression Episode.🎵 name 5 songs you like atm?Argh I havent listened to music in so long (7 days...) umm so things i wanna listen to- youth by daughter- voices by Motionless in white- living dead girl by rob zombie- corpse roads by keaton hensen- lost boy by troye sivan⚡ if you had any superpower what would it be and why?Mind reading bc my anxiety would be halved.💛 if you could talk to your younger self, what would you say?I'd tell myself to stop trying to fit in and be like everybody else because the people I know are just a tiny portion of the population and really aren't much to aspire to. I'd tell myself to drop all my shitty friends because it would stop me from dealing with a lot of crap later on. I'd point myself in the right direction of the better people 😂I'd teach myself how to stand up for myself and how to not take any crap.And I'd give myself a hug and tell myself it's okay not to be cishet, because maybe if I could turn back time and start to deal with it earlier I'd be okay with it now.💚 who are you jealous of and why?A lot of people really, with qualities I don't have.I suppose one kid in particular is like, everything i want to be. Kind, hillarious, confident, close to people I love. 💎 what would you rather have more of: intelligence, beauty, kindness, wealth or bravery? Why?Bravery or kindness?? Its hard to have one without the other. Also beauty ngl bc im fugly.🙊 what are you ashamed of?My gender and sexuality 👏🌺 which languages do you know? Which do you want to learn?I know english and spanish and I'm learning Danish. Hopefully once I'm okay at danish I can learn arabic. Ill be satisfied after that 😂☘ if you could be any fictional characters friend/lover who would it be and why?I mean, theres plenty of fictional lesbians where im like 😏👀 but honestly if I had to pick only one person I'd choose Kieren Walker from in the flesh bc he needs a friend and I relate to him so strongly.☁ talk about your dream universe.Mental and physical illness doesnt exist. People arent dicks. Everything is free. No one feels unloveable.💜 which acts of kindness are you going to do today?Idk I'm p much done for the day 😂 I've been helping out around the house all day tho🐬 if you could transform into any animal what would it be and why?I mean i might be biased but either a dog or a sloth bc they get to sleep all the time 😂🍄 talk about someone/something you really dislike.Someone I was best friends with for 4 years suddenly turned around and stabbed me in the back, made up shit about me, arranged that all my friends not talk to me for a fortnight, sent group emails stuffed with emotional manipulation and blamed me for her suicidal thoughts. I nearly ended it. Now I get to watch my friends still loving her like she isn't the world's most heartless person. It makes my blood boil.😣 talk about something that has been making you depressed/angry/anxious.I'm staying with my best friend rn and I can't stand the thought of going home.🍪 what did you want to be as a kid and what do you want to be now?I wanted to be a nurse and now I wanna be a doctor 👏 variety 👏🍰 what are some of your favourite sugary foods?I cant really eat sugar 😂 so fuck knows? Chocolate?🍑 what are you obsessed with?Brains, thought processes, psychopaths, graveyards and more 😂💘 what happens to you when youre stressed?I just get really emotional and start agressively making lists everywhere in an attempt to sort my life out.😪 what are you sick of?Humanity.🙀 are you an adrenaline seeker?Yeah its terrible 😂 i hate anxiety but I also kinda love it when my heart races.💥 what are some unpopular opinions you have?I....dont? I cba with discourse lifes too short.☔ would you consider yourself a good person?I think anyone with good intentions is usually a good person so yeah😊 what do you do as hobbies?Sleep, binge watch netflix and blog 😂🎤 whats the last song you hummed or sang by yourself?👏👏👏 Mr Brightside 👏👏👏 what a jam 👏👏👏🐝 whats your worst trait?Being waaayyy too clingy.🌷 whats your mbti personality type and why do you think it suits you?ISFJ and yeah defo, its the defender and I feel that tbh🐶 send me 3 fictional people and ill choose my favourite.Anon?👑 who are your favourite celebrities and why?Kaitlyn Alexander is my bae.Besides that I dont really....obsess over any celebrities? Eliza taylor is doing p good 😂 ummm also some youtubers? Do they count?🐴 opinion on __?Its a great bit of punctuation.🍋 do you consider yourself to be an emotional person?Lmfaoooooo YES📚 share 3 books you love and your favourite quotes from them.M8. Thats not gonna happen 😂 I love any book that makes me cry but I cannot quote a single word.😔 what do you always do when you feel sad? Does it work?Find a quiet corner, shut my eyes and listen to my Depression Playlist. It doesn't always make me feel better but it helps me ride it out.🙂 what thoughts keep you going when you're sad?The thoughts of uni and that I'll hopefully meet some great new people. Also my best friend. Just in general 😂🌎 which country do you live in?England.🐧 describe yourself in 3 words?Awkward, tall and shy.🙉 what quotes changed you?"Pick your fights" bc as much as its a meme it helps me chill outAlso "everything is temporary" and "the sun will rise and we will try again".💭 do you keep a diary?I have a personal blog which acts as a diary yeah💫 who inspires you?Kaitlyn Alexander!! (Listen theyre like the first nb representation I ever knew and I relate so much to everything they say and theyre so cute and talented)👻 do you believe in ghosts and why?I mean, my initial response is no. Because we're just bags of flesh made up of cells and when we die those cells die so theres nothing to live on.But tbh we know so little about the universe I'm open to the possibility of anything at this point.🎀 whats your fashion sense like?Dior. I know what clothes I like and think look good but I never like them on me.🎬 what are some of your favourite films?Deadpool, My sisters keeper, pitch perfect 2 ermm🍦 what is one treasured childhood memory?UmmmmmmmmmmmmWhen I first got my bunny, that was an amazing day!!🐼 if you could meet anyone, who would it be and why?Um my soulmate? Where are they at?

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alegendarystudentwonderland-blog · 6 years

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If so, How much is it per month? How old are you? What kind of deductable do you have?? feel free to answer also if you do not have insurance.""

How much will insurance go up on state farm now that a 16 year old has their licence?

i am turning 16 in a couple days and my rents were wondering about the cost of insurance and keep procrastinating it.

How much would it cost for a 17 year old to insure a.....?

How much would it cost for a 17 year old to insure a 2007 VAUXHALL CORSA VXR TURBO 1,598 cc""

How do insurance companies make money?

i know not everyone is going to be sick at once, and that they assess risk, but what's their model for actually making money?""

Is the affordable health act actually making healthcare affordable for everyone?

How much is my motorcycle insurance going to be in Alberta Canada(rough estimate) please help!?

Hi I live in Alberta Canada and i im 15 and have my learners, when I am 16 I am planing on getting my motorcycle license i have nothing on my driving record (crashes, speeding tickets, ect). The bike I am planing on getting is a 2010 Kawasaki ninja 250R and Im looking for a rough guess on how much it would cost to insure for a year. Thanks""

Can someone name some cheap car insurance agencies for teens?

How much is car insurance for a teen?

I'm 16,I have a 2002 Camaro SS,I live in Las Vegas,Nevada.(don't stalk me lol).My dad has Geico insurance.What else do you need to know?""

""If i have no income will obamacare subsidies 100% of my health insurance, and co pay?""

If i have no income will obamacare subsidies 100% of my health insurance, and co pay?""

What is the average teen male's car insurance cost??

Can I get a life and health insurance license in GA with a misdemeanor Disorderly Conduct?

can anyone find the link that explains the rules for persons with convictions when attempting to obtain a life and health insurance license? I used to have a license, but let it lapse during my divorce. It seems like I remember something about misdemeanors on the application. Thanks.""

How much could I save by switching to GEICO Car Insurance?

Can I stay on my parent's car insurance at age 25?

I will be turning 25 in a couple of weeks and I was wondering if insurance companies let you stay on your parents car insurance at that age. I moved back home about 2 years ago to finish my degree so I live under the same roof. My parent's car insurance is state farm.

Will I lose my insurance?

My boyfriend and I recently found out were expecting our first child. I am a 20 year old full-time college student and am still under my parents health insurance. If we were to get married, would I lose my insurance? Also, if I would does anyone know of affordable health insurance for me and the baby?""

Selling a car but keeping insurance?

my question is, i have a car at the moment with 2 years no claims bonus.. (i should have 3 years in july) but i am selling my car this week to a mate. they said if i cancel my insurance policy i will only have 2 years no claims can i still sell the car to someone else and just keep the insurance running for it without saying so i'l have 3 years by july or do u have to cancel it once sold, the guy im selling it hasnt actually passed his tes so prob wont even be insuring it for a while and when he does he said hes gonna put the car on his girlfriends insurance""

Where can I add my name to health insurance waiting list and what are average waiting times?

In our state we imposed rent controls 10 years ago to help the poor with more affordable housing, and apartments available for rent disappeared from the market for some mysterious reason. I spent 6 years on a waiting list and still my turn never came. To tell you the truth almost all vacancies are filled either through bribes or nepotism. One week ago our Governor imposed price controls on health care insurance premiums to help the poor with more affordable health care, and policies available for purchases disappeared from the market for some mysterious reason.""

How to get maternity insurance?

We are wanting to start TTC, but we are a little worried about the cost of the actual birth and doctors expenses, as well as any complications that might arise. Now, we do have enough money to cover the basics, but if anything else should arise to complicate things, we're worried. We both work from home for ourselves and have looked into private health insurance, even only maternity insurance, but the plans just suck and dang expensive! Anyway, I was wondering if you knew of any way to get legitimate insurance for only me while I'm pregnant, and for the baby after its born? Some sort of affordable state insurance? Im in AZ by the way. How would i go about finding something like that? thanks!""

Having a hard time finding affordable health insurance?

I just need a simple surgery on both my ears. About a year ago I developed a keloid on both ears. I know they can get bigger so I want to get it fixed before it looks like a grape behind my ear. My biggest problem is in finding affordable health insurance. Can anyone tell me a good site to go to for affordable health insurance? All answers would be greatly appreciated.

Two hit and run claims in one year ... are they gonna stick it to me with my insurance rates?

One car parked outside my house, got sideswiped earlier this year and of course, I had no idea who (middle of the night hit and run). I made a claim against the insurance to fix it, and they ended up paying out about $750. My OTHER car had the same thing happen to it yesterday morning (I found out when I went to go to work) so I got an estimate at lunch and it's gonna be at least $2500 to repair THIS damage (at the insurance companie's preferred shop). No suspects, no witnesses, nobody to point the finger at. $250 deductible I can manage to scrape together, but ... will my insurance company (Nationwide) hike my rates, and if they do is it likely to be a little or a LOT ? I've had them for four years, I have mediocre credit but a spotless driving record, and now TWO no fault claims in 2008 ... I haven't called them yet to report it, but I probably need to TODAY if I am going to ...""

How do I cancel California Blue Cross insurance?

I have been trying to cancel my policy for 3 months. I even tried to stop payment at my bank, but they keep getting around the stop payments by charging different amounts each month. (This month they decided to charge me $50 more than last month) When I call them, I am on hold for over 30 minutes before I finally just give up. On their website, there is NO information about how to cancel your policy whatsoever. Why is it that they don't have ANY information on their California Blue Cross website about how to cancel??? Does anyone know of an address or fax number or wherever I am supposed to send written cancellation to or how do I go about cancelling????""

What coverage to get for car insurance for my son with ' L'?

what coverage to get for my car insurance , my son jest got his L. so what insurance coverage do i need to add to my car if i want him to drive it whit me , because I'm afraid if a crash happen. I live in british consulate vancouver ( ICBC ) this is the web site of the company (http://icbc.com/) so please help me .""

""About how much would a 19 year old new driver with a decent 2001 car, expect to pay monthly in car insurance?""

About how much would a 19 year old new driver with a decent 2001 car, expect to pay monthly in car insurance?""

How much will my registration fee be in California for a used car purchase.?

I recently bought a used car from a family friend and we have to go register it in California (that is where the car is from also so no change there). The tags are also due next month. So, how much can I expect to pay for transfer of ownership fee and can I pay my registration now or do I have to pay it again next month? I already have the smog cert and insurance. I am writing in a purchase price of $300.00. thanks.""

aaa insurance quote free gift 2017

Any ideas on how to get cheaper car insurance?

How much would my insurance be?

i wanna buy a camaro or a mustang convertible and i am 17 and a guy how much u think my insurance would be?the year of the car is around 1994-2002...how much for a ford explorer (same years)or a mitsubishi eclipse?

What's The Best Auto Insurance Company?

I'm a 16 year old male in Southern California... I'm looking at: 1993 Honda Accord 1990 BMW 525i 1991 Nissan Stanza 1992 Acura Legend Sedan 1996 Volkswagen GTI which company is trustworthy, cheap, and helpful?""

How much would car insurance cost an international student in Winnipeg?

I just got my license from my country. I am going to winnipeg in August I will be attending winnipeg university and I need a car. How much would insurance cost for an international student with the least rates and coverages?

How much is car insurance for a 16 yr old girl in FL?

i want a car, something sporty but it can also be 4 dr too. =]""

Collecting on insurance policy?

Ok, so here it is. A guy hit me, police report said his fault. Totaled my truck and I got a huge amount of med bills. Now I know his insurance co. is payin for my truck and my med bills, but can I also claim on my insurance for pain and suffering, etc?""

Im pregnant and dont have health insurance.?

Recently my boyfriend lost his job and we lost our health insurance. What can i do to get insurance for myself and our two other kids, him? I live in california""

Would you purchase this type of car insurance?

I wanted to test a business idea. 1 million people come together each paying 225.00 membership fee. This membership fee includes one years fully comp car insurance. In year 2, all of the companies costs are calculated and split between members. So if costs are 30m then each member pays 30 and this fee includes a years fully comp car insurance. My question to you is, if this business idea were proposed by a large brand (to give it credibility) would you purchase this style of car insurance? If no why not? You don't need any no claims (although you still accumulate them should you wish to leave), there is no excess to pay on claims, the insurance category of your car isn't relevant (inc make and model etc), and your insurance is fully comp.""

Dollar Car Rental Insurance Cost?

Hello I will be renting a Dodge Charger next week. I am thinking of getting the insurance - ( i have full insurance with allstate and also CC covers it too) I hate to get them involved, even if i pay more for the insurance, i just want to leave without having to revisit it, if something where to happen. How much does Insurance cost with Dollar rent a car? The one where they let you go for any kind of damage. Thanks""

What is the blue sheild of california (health insurance) code format?

Please help.. like the number on the card you get. I need to draw a picture and i want to make it as accurate as possible :) what is the blue sheild of california (insurance company) code format? for example if it is ABC123 = letter letter letter # # #

Car insurance at 20 on average?

How much would car insurance be for me if i only have my licence for 2 months before i get a car and i am 20 years old?. The car would be minimum a 1.2 litre and maximum a 1.6 litre so what would a 1.2 litre, 1.4 litre and 1.6 litre cost me on average?.""

How much is anual car insurance aprox.?

car type walksvagen polo for young drivers around 25 who has not passed the test yet

Anyone know the best company to go to for life insurance?

Will a car pool lane ticket cause my insurance rates to go up?

I was recently pulled over in California by the California Highway Patrol (CHP) for driving solo (by myself) in the car pool lane. I didn't break the yellow lines I was just pulled over for being in there by myself. The officer told me it wouldn't be a point on my record and is not a moving violation. All I want to know is... Will this ticket cause my insurance rates to go up?

Does state farm have the best insurance for young adults?

I recently got a quote from State Farm online & it adds up to about 200 a month; is this pretty cheap for a 18 year old who is a fairly new driver?

""Insurance question about DUI (2 different insurance companies). Underwriters, chime in!?""

I received a 1st time DUI roughly 1 year ago. I am covered by one insurance company, and my wife is covered by another company on her car. I know my insurance will not be renewed or rates will increase at some point, but what about hers??? I am NOT listed as an insured driver on her policy, but I am noted as a licensed driver in the household for her car... Will her insurance be effected?? It seems like they are not sure what will happen with her insurance and that it would be left up to the underwriters... Any input would be helpful... Thankyou.""

Cheapest & Best Auto/Motorcycle Insurance?

Can people please share what they think is the cheapest & best insurance? We currently have state farm & feel we're getting ripped off. We have 2 vehicles 93' Ford F150 (owned, no payments) 00' Chevy Cavalier (owned, no payments) 83' Honda Sabre(Motorcycle, owned, no payments) THANK YOU! Also, why do they ask for a SS# when you apply?Are there any companies who dont? I hope theyre not checking my credit score =( I'm trying to raise it!""

Additional premium on my car insurance for?

my car was hit by another driver who admits liability.my car has been written off but i refused the offer my insurance made me.i had to send them a reason why my log book was a different address.im know awaiting a revaluation.when i rang them i was told a manager was looking into it and there may be an additional premium.what is this?.

Buying auto insurance for the first time?

lets say the policy will cost me 3,000 dollars. When i first buy the policy, do i pay the whole 3k up front or do i pay it in increments (i.e, 1500 for the first 6 months, then 1500 for the second)""

Does having a 2 door civic make my insurance go up vs 4 door?

im 16 buying a civic. i like the 2 door civic coupes. if i buy a 2 door civic, will the insurance be higher than if i buy a 4 door civic?""

Insurance price on harley-davidson?

what would be a good estimate for yearly cost of insurance on a harley? -92 heritage softail classic

Health and life insurance?

im needing to look into health and lfie insurance for myself, and was wondering where to start? What is everyone using? i need something reasonable and something where i dont get the run around with!! Any help appreciated!""

Do I need to have insurance on my leased car even though im not going to use it?

I'm leaving the country and will leave my car in my garage. I will be returning the plates as well. I dont want to pay insurance on a car im not using.

Can anybody help me figure out how much car insurance would be?

I am 19 years old, female, and I'm moving out on my own. I have to buy my own car insurance. I have a 2004 Mustang that is completely paid for in my name. I need help finding a good insurance company and price range?? PLEASE AND THANK YOU (:""

Cheapest car insurance companies for young adults?

I'm a 23 year-old student attending to college, my dad has Allstate so he added me into his policy and it looks like I'll be paying $224.11 for six months; driving a 2001 Mazda Millenia. Does this sounds comprehensive? I feel as is too much. Also, what if I put myself as a married person, will that make a big difference? Thank you.""

aaa insurance quote free gift 2017

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/average-cost-house-insurance-trailer-va-jacob-williams/"

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