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mistress-new-mistress · 6 years

Text

I started writing this. Idk if I’m gonna keep going.

No wifi. No cell service. No electronics of any kind.

It was heaven for Sansa Stark.

Sansa's mother protested her going to Deerpark, Cornwall so close to exams, but Sansa needed a calm, quiet place to study. With such an unusually warm spring, she wanted to take advantage of the weather to read outside, revise by moonlight, and fall asleep to the sound of crickets.

"You won't last two hours without your mobile," Sansa's sister, Arya, had said.

It was true that Sansa was as addicted to her phone as anyone else, but with no internet or signal to distract her, she was confident she could retain more knowledge and nab a first for her second year at uni.

The cabin Sansa was staying in was nestle between two other charming, identical cottages no bigger than a two-stall barn. The cabins overlooked a lake surrounded by tall pines and muddy shores.

As Sansa drove up to cabin two, she noticed there were no other cars around. Either she would be alone for the week, or her neighbors has yet to make an entrance. Regardless, Sansa thought the area was beautiful. There was a hammock swaying between two trees near the dirt road, a stump for chopping wood, a fire pit, and a small shed nestled right up to the side of the cabin.

Sansa unloaded her bags and breathed deeply, the scent of dirt and pine filling her with hope and purpose. The door was jammed a bit, but with a hearty shove of her shoulder, Sansa burst through, nearly toppling over her belongings. She dropped the bags and looked around. The cabin was smaller than the pictures on the website--with just an oatmeal-colored sofa, a wood stove, a small nook for cooking, and a bookshelf as tall as a five-year-old. A door on the left lead to the bedroom, and another adjacent held the lou.

It was cramped, smelled like mothballs, and deadly quiet.

Sansa thought it was perfect.

About an hour into unpacking and settling in, Sansa heard the low rumble on an engine putting up the road. It got louder the closer it got, until finally roaring up to the next cabin over like a beast.

Sansa peeked out the flimsy curtains and saw a man clad in black on a motorcycle. He parked his bike on the grass in front of cabin one. Great, Sansa thought. A bloody Hell's Angel to ruin the week.

The man got off his bike and took off his helmet. Sansa could only see the back of him. He was a hulking fellow with broad shoulders and dirt-dusted jeans, a cracked leather jacket with a patch of a black horse stitched on the shoulder. He had black hair that was receding a bit, steel-toed boots, and large hands that reached in his coat pocket for a fag.

Sansa groaned as the man lit up a cigarette and blew smoke out. The biker finally turned and, for a half second, Sansa saw his face. The man looked as hard and worn as his leather jacket. His brows were large but his eyes were small, his mouth turned down in a grimace. He had black stubble that looked irritated from so much scratching. If he had smiled and shaved, the man might've been quite handsome.

However, the large scar across the right side of his face ruined the biker's chances of ever modeling.

Sansa squinted, struggling to make out the lines and grooves of the man's deformity, but was caught off guard when the man locked eyes with her. Sansa gasped and stepped away from the window. Through the crack in the curtain, she saw the man take another puff on his cigarette, staring at the spot in the window where she had previously been.

Finally, the man turned away and gathered his bag from the tail of the Harley. Sansa rubbed her neck, embarrassed, then continued unpacking.

***

It was after three by the time Sansa was fully settled in. She made herself a cup of tea and perused the brochure left for her on the bookshelf. Deerpark boasted horseback riding, kayaking, and the village of Herodsfoot just a few kilometers down the road. Sansa began making a list in her in her notebook of provisions to get in town, but was interrupted but a dull thwack! from outside.

Bread Beans Tomatoes Thwack! Wine Crisps Chocolate Thwack!

Sansa threw her pen down and stood from the table. She opened the door and poked her head outside to see what the commotion was.

The biker was chopping wood in his white undershirt, another fag hanging between his lips. He placed another hunk of wood on the block, raised his massive arms, and split the log clean in half with little effort.

Sansa gaped. She had never seen such a strong man. Not even the rugby boys at uni had as much power to them. Sweat rolled down the man's back, shirt clinging to his skin. Sansa unconsciously licked her lips.

"It's rude to stare," the man said. He took a long drag from the cigarette and turned toward Sansa, breathing out smoke as he did. He had a thick Scottish accent, the kind Americans might make fun of on daytime talk shows.

"Sorry," Sansa said. She nervously fidgeted with the hem of her shorts. "I was just seeing what the noise was."

"You've seen it," the man gruffly replied, "now jog on."

Sansa scowled. She watched as the Scotsman turned back to his task and put the cigarette to his mouth again. "Those will kill you," she said pointedly.

He swiveled to her again and said with a snarl, "Literally never heard that before in m'life. You must be a bloody genius."

Sansa lowered her eyes. It was a shitty way to start the week. She decided she wanted to be on this man's good side rather than face the brunt of his bike engine roaring and cigarette smoke wafting in her windows.

"I'm Sansa."

A low chuckle vibrated deep within the man. He abandoned his task altogether, chucking the ax to the side and fully facing Sansa with his arms crossed over his chest. "What kinda feckin' name is that?"

"It's a family name," Sansa explained, ignoring the sting of his insult. "What do they call you?"

"They call me a lot of things," the man said, puffing on his fag. "'Cunt, bastard, asshole. And my personal favorite--" he pointed to his scar "'--ugly fuck.'"

"You're not--" Sansa stopped herself. Her mother always said that her politeness would one day get her into trouble. Sometimes people didn't need to be reassured that they were smart or kind or handsome. Some people treated flattery as an insult. Sansa cleared her throat and tried again: "What's your name?"

The man eyed Sansa up and down, the wheels spinning in his head. He flicked his cigarette away and snubbed it under his boot. "Clegane," he answered. "Just Clegane."

#sansan #sansan fic #sansa stark #sansa x sandor #sandor clegane #Sansa and Sandor #the hound and the bird #the bird and the hound #sandor x sansa #got fic #modern sansan

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trashyazeohane · 6 years

Photo

First time making gif in a looooong time, so yeah, sorry for shitty quality (maybe I’ll try to improve it, if I have time...)

It’s happening immediately after Five shots too many. Ugh I know what is happening after, but I can’t put it into words…

Part 1 can he found here!

Adult!Maxvid!AU - Part 6 (eeeyyyy back on the track):

Ughhh

Ughhhhhh

UGHHHHHHHH

Max wanted to kill himself. He went back to his dorm after that night and just… laid down on the bed and stared with eyes wide open at the ceiling. And he did it for few hours straight.

Until Nikki popped in – during the evening or pretty early night. She just burst through the door, without knocking, like she almost always did.

“Hey, fucktard, why weren’t you picking up your phone?!” She shouted, opening the door so hard it hit the opposite wall. And then she simply stopped near the doorway. “Max, are you in here?”

The male lifted his head and peeked at the bright light coming from the open door and a dark silhouette.

“Kill me, Nik.” He mumbled hoarsely.

“Oh, shit you look like death.” The girl murmured, but stepped inside and shut the door. “Should I switch on the light?”

Max shook his head. It was still throbbing – a faint sound, maybe even a sensation, drumming at the back of his mind. But he was in no mood to get up and take painkillers. He was in no mood to do anything. He deserved it.

“O-kay?” Nikki moved and sat on the chair near the desk. She turned on the desk lamp nevertheless, but bent it, so the light wasn’t directed right at Max. “Okay, in the light you look even worse. Bad night?”

Bad night? That was the best night Max had in his entire life!

But the outcomes…

Max didn’t answer, only laid on his bed and stared at the ceiling.

So anyway Nikki stayed in the room for few hours, just sitting there and surfing the internet on her phone. All this time Max was just laying on the bed and stared at nothing in particular. After some time she dozed off on the chair.

Max at some time also fell asleep, but woke up in the middle of the night. He stood up from the bed, grabbed Nikki and put her on his bed and he himself went to sleep on the chair.

“Wake up sleepyhead!!!”

Max literally fell down from the chair as Nikki gave him quite a big slap on the back of his head

“What the fuck Nikki!?!”

“No more being gloomy!!!”

“I’ll be as gloomy as I want!”

Another hit.

“Do you want to kill me?!”

“Then tell me what is bothering you!?”

And Max just closed his mouth. He sat more comfortably on the floor and straightened his clothes. Yuck, did he seriously still not change them? He was glad that he had taken a shower at David’s.

David… fuck…

Can he even tell Nikki the truth? Or would David prefer to keep it a secret? He had said forget, forget, forget. Easier said than fucking done! How did David even expect Max to do it!?!?!

“Max?”

What should he do!? He should accept David’s plead, but in the same time he knew he won’t be able to do so! How can he simply forget it? He didn’t want to forget it! That was the problem!!

“Nikki, I messed up…”

“What? What did you mess up?”

“Everything.”

Can he tell her? Or should he keep that night secret between them?

However Max wasn’t sure he would be able to keep this secret around Nikki and Neil. He had tried keeping his crush on David secret and it had blown into his face.

But no, David probably wouldn’t want other people to know this.

“What do you mean by everything?”

So he probably shouldn’t tell Nikki. Yeah, the less people know, the better. It was better this way, it was better this way…

“You really look like someone died.” Nikki said, flopping in front of him on the pillow. Soon after her mouth turned into a mischievous smirk. “What? Did you have sex with David and he told you afterwards that it was a mistake?”

Max hid his face in his hands.

“I’m not hearing you shouting ‘fuck you, Nikki’ like you’re supposed to~”

Max wanted to die.

“Max, come on, I’m still waiting~”

Nope, he was done.

“Max?”

Max wanted to die.

“Oh my god, is that true?” There was Nikki, right in front of him, prying his hands away. “Max, is that true?”

Max didn’t want to answer. Or no – he felt like by answering he would betray something, or someone.

So he only exhaled slowly through his nose with arms slumping down in the process.

“Oh my god, so it is true!”

“For the record, I didn’t utter a word.”

“But Max, that’s amazing. Wow, dude, I never actually thought that you would manage to do it. I always imagined you as this lonely one-sided love-sick person till the day you die!”

Please, just kill him.

“Nikki…”

“What?”

“No… just… no…”

“What do you mea-… Oh…”

“Yeah.”

“Max, I’m so so sorry–”

“It’s okay.”

“… Doesn’t look like it is…”

Max wanted to be left alone. He knew he had work and homework to do for his Uni, but damn, it will be hard to get back on track. But now he wanted to sit here, on this fucking floor, for an hour or so more.

But then suddenly Nikki sat next to Max and wrapped her hands around him.

“What are you doing?”

“Cheering you up? I think? I don’t know, I never practiced it. Does it work?”

“No.” But Max still didn’t push her away.

So they stayed like that for a bit. Then Nikki started to talk about random shit to get Max to at least focus on something else. And after few minutes it kinda started working. The guilt and sadness were still roaming around in his head, but Max knew he had other things to do.

Nikki ordered him to wash himself and then she took him for lunch.

Max in the meantime checked his phone. He was kinda afraid to do so, but he had to do it in the end.

Zero messages from David.

During the lunch Max kinda wanted to write to him to check if he was feeling any better, but he was actually terrified to do so. Especially as the memories were still so vivid inside his head. Then he wanted to write to David when he started learning and then when he did his homework. All this time the phone was lying next to Max, taunting him, whispering soft, empty promises.

Was David doing okay? What was he doing right now? Was he thinking about that night as hard as Max did? Or did he discard those memories – or the lack of them – immediately after Max had left? Maybe he already moved on? Maybe he was back to his normal self?

Or maybe not? Maybe he was beating himself up? Maybe he was thinking about the situation between them over and over again?

Both options were scary and horrifying.

Should he message David? Damn, he wanted to. His heart begged him to do so. With his whole soul he needed to. But no… not now… Maybe… maybe later on…

Back to David -> (idk why but I prefer to write from Max’s point of view)

He woke up on Sunday more over feeling okay. He still had a stomachache but he could live through the day. Gwen was messaging him non-stop when she had found out he had been hungover. He loved her, but damn, he was tired of her asking why and with whom he had drunk…

The day passed normal yet David still felt skittish. He jumped whenever he received new message and he always picked up his phone with loudly beating heart.

But still zero messages from Max. He really tried not to feel sad about it, but couldn’t help it.

He managed to catch up a little with his work and then fell asleep, checking the phone one more time.

David woke up on Monday and quickly checked the phone, feeling weirdly warm all over his body. He had a feeling he had a dream, and for few blissful seconds after waking up he could still remember it, but it quickly dissolved into nothingness after he blinked.

Zero messages from Max. David’s stomach dropped hard. Did he scare Max somehow? He was so stupid. Stupid, stupid, useless, stupid, stupid, useless, stupid, stupid…

David tried to live through the day like he had used to, before the night, but… everything felt different. It was the same, yet not. Everyone around him acted normal, nothing changed, however everything was still weirdly off.

In the evening, when he checked his phone and hoped for a new messages, he had to bit his bottom lip when he found none.

Was it weird to hope that Max would message him again? David also could message the teen, but he found his own fingers unresponsive to the impulses and needs.

Why couldn’t he do that? His heart beated strangely loud inside his chest, pumping the blood through his veins with brute force. He was… terrified?

Terrified? Of what?

Few days passed like that. With his mood dropping down with every passing hour without a new message on his phone from Max. The kids noticed it and asked why he was so gloomy. He had to say that he wasn’t feeling well. Which kinda was true.

So the full week passed… and then another one…

David was on the verge of breaking down. He fucked up and didn’t know how to repair what he had done.

He wasn’t even sleeping well lately. Add his insomnia to this and he basically lived without sleeping at all.

“David?”

“Gwen, can I come over?”

“Uh, yeah, sure. W-wait? Something happened? You sound-“

“Terrible? I’ll tell you later…”

“I was going to say like shit, but that works too. Should I make some hot cocoa?”

“Yes, please…”

And with that David walked out of his house.

Few kilometers away at the campus ->

“Okay, Max… you look like hell after cocaine…” Neil said, staring at him with raised eyebrows. Max knew he looked like shit, but he couldn’t muster himself to look and feel better.

“He is like that for at least two weeks.” Nikki next to him added, looking at the nerd of the infamous trio.

“Okay…” Neil murmured, clasping his hands together. “Have you tried turning him off and on again?”

“Vodka doesn’t work if that’s what you’re asking about.”

“It didn’t work? Okay, so the situation is bad…”

Seriously. That was true. Nikki had tried helping Max by getting him drunk during the last weekend. But the only thing it had brought Max had been more pain filled with memories of that night and taste of vodka on David’s tongue. So yeah, that plan had backfired hard…

He hadn’t talked with David for two weeks and he was pretty sure that the ‘forgetting’ David had meant wasn’t supposed to look like that. But, fuck, Max couldn’t so simply forget about that night and about his feelings for David.

He had tried. He had tried for few days (years even)… and it brought him this – Nikki calling Neil for help.

“Okay, should we like… maybe zap him with a stun gun?” Neil proposed, tapping his chin.

“Crowbar to the back of his head?” Nikki glanced at Max – still curled on the bed, staring blankly at his phone.

“We want to help him, not kill him…”

“I mean… kinda the same thing…”

Max groaned while listening to his friends. He knew they cared. He knew they only wanted to help. But their ideas were ridiculous. Although the crowbar wasn’t maybe such a bad idea. This way he wouldn’t have to deal with the consequences of his actions at all.

And never see David again. God, he was so sappy, but damn, he didn’t want that.

To be perfectly honest Max simply missed the man. He missed his stupid, adorable smile, his weird, fluffy mood, his optimistic attitude – David whole. In just few months David had become his friend – a close one – and Max fucked it bad. Now he was afraid that maybe if he wrote, their relationship wouldn’t be the same. Fuck, of course, it wouldn’t be the same, but ugh…

Max was scared.

“What exactly happened two weeks ago?” Neil asked, sitting down next to Max.

Nikki looked between Neil and Max, deciding to finally stare longer at the latter one while biting the inside of her cheek.

“I… I shouldn’t be the one to tell you…”

Neil blinked and then looked back at Max, who grumbled something under his breath and ducked further under the blanket wrapped around his body.

“Is this about David?”

What the fuck?

“H-how?” Max stuttered.

“I mean it sounded like the most possible option here, so I gave it a shot.” Neil tilted his head. “And hit a jackpot.”

Max groaned under his nose. Great. Should he tell Neil the truth? Nikki somehow miraculously had found out by herself, so Max hadn’t told her per se, but Neil…

“Okay, if you don’t tell me, I can always call him and ask…” Neil said and boom! he was taking his phone out.

“H-how do you have his phone number?” Max asked with the fear creeping into his bones.

“He gave it to me when we went out drinking? Together with other campers? Duuh?” Neil was already scrolling through a contact list. “Okay, so I just need to…”

Max slapped Neil’s hand and the phone clattered to the ground.

“Dude…”

“Fuck, didn’t mean to hit it so hard.” Max grumbled and leaned to lift the phone from the floor, hoping that the screen wasn’t cracked.

“I fucking hope so!” Neil almost shrieked, taking the phone from Max’s hand. “Now I really need some good explanations…”

Max huffed. Was he really going to do it? To be honest, he simply was tired of bottling everything up. He was tired of reliving the memories over and over, always with the bitter ending. He was tired of missing David. He was tired of pretending. He was tired of not knowing what to do.

So he told them what exactly had happened that night.

This is the end for now. Bruh it took me way to looong to finish this one D:<. In the next one there will be David’s and Max’s confrontation!

#Maxvid #Mavid #Adult!Maxvid!AU #my art?#my stories?#I'm so so tired #Please save me from tagging this #I'm done with this gif!!!!

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awordwasthebeginning · 7 years

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Judge a book by its...summary on the internet

Chrissie’s Run

“A young mother who has an appointment with The Parlor”

(TM)

“for the mandatory termination of her pregnancy and mandatory sterilization for herself because her baby has birth defects.”

That was not a sentence. Where’s the verb?

“The New Republic does not tolerate birth defects.”

Yay institutional ableism. Or euthanasia. “Her baby is Daniel, Daniel in the Lion’s Den.”

Or Daniel like the second to last conductor my uni orchestra had. *shrugs* What? I can pull associations out of my arse, too.

“That is what the voice tells her in the early morning hours when she is caught between waking and sleep.”

Ooooh, well if a Voice(TM) tells her that he’s Daniel in the Lion’s Den...! Honey, that’s called ‘dreaming’. “Her name is Chrissie,”

*voice(TM) voice*: That’s short for Christianity!

“and thus begins an incredible run from the grips of a society that will stop at nothing to kill her and her baby.”

Try Canada. “They are called closers.”

Oh, seriously. YA worldbuilding 101: give a group of people a name that’s literally just the nominalisation of what they do.

“Sadistic henchmen of the New Republic, contractors, the worst of the worst.”

Would be surprising if the nice guys were trying to kill her unborn Special Snowflake child.

“They hunt her relentlessly as she tries to find the fabled Haven,”

...the Grey Havens?

“where maybe she and Daniel can be safe.”

Again, try Canada. “She finds help in a futuristic underground of guides who put their lives on the line to save mothers and unborn babies.”

You know it’s a really shitty dystopian world when Planned Parenthood and the Pro-Lifers finally start working together.

“They guide her, and ultimately teach her what she will have to know to survive”

Perineal gymnastics?

“– the way of the warrior!”

She’s pregnant, you idiots! She shouldn’t be fighting anyone or anything anytime soon! “Nothing is as it seems in this young adult sci-fi thriller.”

I dunno, seems pretty straightforward to me.

“Strap in for the roller-coaster!”

Why, no, thank you.

In conclusion: I really dislike dystopian literature where pregnancy/female fertility is a major plot point. Especially if it’s got a Christian tint like this one.

#judge a book #ableism #euthanasia tw #loquor

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rishyabaney · 5 years

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I'm proud of myself

So... Idk y I'm making this post... But here goes nothing... Tl/dr at the end..

So, flashback a few months and you would have probably seen me hiding from the world in my room. At the time, I felt as if the world was too much and in a way, I was able to relate to all those pics about how 'the world is scary as an adult, and thus I wanna be a kid again'.

I was in college studying econs, a new language (French), and 2 psy subjects l, in which one of them was driving me mad. I would now say it was just due to the way I overthinked my assignments, coursework and tests, and how I mismanaged my time due to finding everything burdening and thus pushing it aside to deal with them when I'm ready, and guess what?

I never allocated time for them. And so they piled up and I panicked until one day, I was running late for one of my classes. My mom was yelling at me, I was trying to put on my pants, and it just happened. I knew how to get away from it all. I would just drop out.

It seemed so simple. Just stay in my room and don't open the door. Then it would all somehow magically go away. So, I stopped yelling back at my mom to inform her that I'm coming. I shut my door, locked it, took of my clothes, and just laid on my bed, staring at the ceiling as my room got brighter as it was in the morning.

And then the hell ensued. You see, I have done this all before, skip a few classes and what not. But that was in school, which is kinda free in my country. But this is college. My parents worked so hard to ensure we had the money to go to uni and this is what I'm doing. And yes, I was a very spoilt brat.

My mom first started to make sure that I really know how much $$ I'm pouring down the drain. Then she called my dad, who said this may only happen for 1 day as he knew last night I was awake on my laptop (I was watching code geass.. Although I do remember watching it when I was a child... So I guess it's rewatching), so I would have been tired (which I was... So this could be one of the reasons)

You see, while I did say this may have a way I "escape from it all", at the time, my plan was to skip a few days of uni and catch up. Which certainly wasn't the case. So like old times sake, everytime I went down, I got my usual lecture on how I'm wasting my life (told in a sad tone), how others are working so hard to try and get a life as good as mine (told in a frustrated tone), and how my "friends" were missing me (which I don't even have... Wut??), by my mother.

But the real kicker is that I just did not catch up at all. I just thought I'll do it later. And again, that never happened. After 3 days, which was the normal amount of days I would skip continuously, my mom kinda realise that I ain't gonna head beck to uni.

So, I don't really remember the sequence of events, but it went a little something like this.

1) my mom called up the uni to try and figure out what happened (like if there was bullying or anything... Idk... I didn't even know she called until later on)

2) my mom started to find if there is a place she can dump my sorry ass at (I think I'll elaborate on this topic later on)

3) she started to see if she can block only my electronics from the house wifi (cos the in Internet is always the root cause of all "youth deviance"

4) "pled" with me/tell me how she hates me for doing this

5) everyone branding me a freeloader

6) stop letting me have any food/eating up all the leftovers so I would not have anything to eat anymore if I sneak downstairs to eat late at night when they are asleep

7) keep reminding me about how my parents won't live long (they are very old and both have health conditions which have also been passed down onto me and my sister [.. Yay])

So, you may say this is normal for family to do this to guide you back to go to uni. But not for me. I still do not know the rules in Malaysia and if how my parents were planning to boot me out was legal. But they were getting there alright. Now at the beginning of last year, I got my phone replaced with a new one, and this new phone already had Instagram downloaded. So I started to go back into Instagram. I would post regularly and such (like the post underneath this is).

But during this time, I felt so ashamed that I decided to hide the fact that I have stopped going to uni from my school friends. I only posted food related pics such as the one from deepavalli. I even deleted the posting I made about the invitation I got to go to a ceremony (?) for getting on the deans list during my 2nd semester (I'll elaborate on this topic later).

But after some time, I kinda got uses to it. My mom gave me a deadline that if I did not continue next sam (the sam that has just passed), she was kicking me out. I started to find places to stay and work opportunities. And that was when it kicked in. There isn't really any good future of you don't have at least a degree in Malaysia. Like you can barely find anything. Many jobs that pay less are often given to kids who are still in school for a part time job, or they don't pay enough for you to survive if you are to live on your own, till you would need to get a few part time jobs, or go to the dark side (underground stuff... Something that idk how to get to). So basically I'm screwed.

And then a few days later, I found a song back fom the mid 2000's. It was a song about a child dying (the song is called "Terlalu Istimewa"). It just got me thi King about how everyone's gonna go, and throughout my parents last few years, do I really want them to have to wonder what is going to happen to their failure of a daughter? I went to my parents bedroom when my mom was in it alone, and I told her the golden words she was wanting to hear for some time (I forgot what exactly I said though).

"I think I'll go back to uni"

Of course I knew what all is gonna happen. At the time I thought my grades were gonna be flopped as I definitely f'ing failed. But to my surprise, my mom said that she will call in and see when we can see the head of my course. She said they already prepared for this and that it is all going to be well.

Remember when I said my mom wanted to send me somewhere. This is where the truth is unfolded. So I was diagnosed with asperger's syndrome when I was 13 in 2012. She had sent me to a home for 2 months when I did a similar shenanigan in 2015. But it costed my family a lot so they brought me back home. Till this day I still do not quite comprehend what my syndrome is (eventhough I'm majoring in bloody psychology), and how I was diagnosed with it.

So why is this important, you may ask. Because I was literally DYING when she told me that she had "explained" to the lecturer (the head of the department is also my lecturer... And I'm getting her again next semester). I just wanted a metroid to hit earth and kill me. I don't like it when people say "oh this person has something wrong with them" and etc. I feel as if they look down on me (but not y'all on Tumblr as you dont see me in real life). When I registered to join my uni, I specifically told my mom to never, ever mention about it. In fact, I found it quite hilarious that someone like me is studying psychology.

But the fact that she has told that made me so scared. I just wanted to hide under my blankets for the rest of existence. But then again, I'm gonna turn 20 soon, so I better act my age (this year I'm turning 20... All this time I felt as if if I still had a 1 in front of my age, I was still young... But I'm now gonna turn 20, a quarter of the average human life expectancy is over 😭😭😭).

So I went in the next day and got found out that mom was ready for my lil' shitty "tantrum" and stopped me 1/2 way, so she dropped me out of the subjects instead of making me fail them for not finishing my assignments and such. She also got back some of the tuition fees. My lecturer did not judge me that much (but let's see this coming semester), and I did not bump into my group mates (we have a lot of group assignments... So yeah... I let the down a lot).

So now that all of that is out of the way, you may be wondering what happened this sam. Well, let's say I was really bloody scared during the first few days as I thought I was going to bump into my old group mates and such. That was not the case of course. Other than the librarian exclaiming that I skipped 1/2 the sam out loud to a few kids, nothing else happened. I retook the psychology subject that gave me a hard time last sam, rekindled a few friendships that drifted apart due to time, and kinda mended back my relationship with my mom.

Some of my group mates this year seemed a little tough to deal with, but hey, it ain't a group project without someone (or in my case, some people) slacking off. I had to do some spoonfeeding to some of my group mates eventhough I too was lost at some parts, but I can vow that when people say teaching others help you comprehend the topic better, it is true but can only be done if you have patience and good blood pressure.

But of course there were also some stuff that ticked me off. I would often claim myself to be a lazy, procrastinating perfectionist. This is because I'm very lazy and I always want to show the best, I mean who doesn't. So when it came to the deans list this that was mentioned earlier, I wanted to go. But for my 3rd sam, I got out of the deans list for not maintaining my cgpa. In fact I only got in due to getting a 3.52 for my cgpa (to get in you need a 3.5), so I was already ashamed for that. I did not feel as if I was worthy of it I guess. So when I came back this sam, I was determined to get back in.

But as things got tough and I say the nice GPA slipping away from me with every orang and red grade I got (not godd grades to get), I felt myself returning back tk my old ways. Sleeping late doing nothing. There was even a lime in which I skipped a class, but I lied and told mom it was cancelled. She bought the lie as usual. It was at that moment I realised that many other uni students were like me. You can see that the new students always aim for high grades but the seniors just aim to pass the subjects. I know that is a crappy attitude to have, but my sister was also able to graduate just be receiving the passing grades all the way. I realised that this is the way we need to be in order to survive. And it is not wrong.

I know if my mom were to hear me say this she would be disappointed and I k ow many of you would be saying "you need to be the best person you can be" etc. But honestly if it means breaking down like that again, then no. I do not wanna make other people worry about me and such if it means I can't always be the best so be it. If it means I would not need to always be worrying if the way my sentence could be better and such instead of "having fun" etc, then yes, I would gladly give it all up. Honestly, I feel as if going to uni has made me a different person. I felt so self-conscious and it made me feel like shit.

But I guess what I'm trying to convey is that if you feel like the world is too burdening, don't f'ing kill yourself (like some weirdos tell you to on Tumblr [srsly, you would rather get rid of porn instead of the real cancerous negative on this platform... I see that your priorities are as straight as ever Tumblr]). Instead try to find something to inspire you, or maybe if you are not a bloody social pariah like me, you may find friend to support you. And always remember, there are others who have it worst that you. So STOP BEING A F'ING CRYBABY, GET OUT FROM UNDERNEATH YOUR BLOODY COMFORTERS, AND REJOIN THE REAL World. Cos guess what, no one is gonna spoonfeed you and take care of you till the bloody end. You need to stand up for yourself cos this world is a disgusting and cruel place.

Tl/dr: I stopped going to uni, found some inspiration to go back. Then things got tough again, I stopped caring, bacame a husk of who I turned into since entering the competitive world of uni, and now I have found happiness.

#rbg90g #@rbg90g #self motivation #motivation #motivating quotes #nevergiveup #never quit #cheer up #be more chill #chill #chillout #perfectionist #stop being a perfectionist #reality #reality check #realization #crybaby #spoilt brat #confession

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victoria-is-obsessed · 7 years

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26 things about Me

I was tagged A WHILE AGO by @mrs-storm-andrews and forgot to do it, then did it but the app crashed, then did it again but the internet was down and now I’m doing it again!

Rules: Copy this post into a new text post, remove my answers and put in yours, and when you are done tag up to 10 people and also tag the person who tagged you… and most important, HAVE FUN!

A- Age: 23

B- Biggest fear: I think it would be being a failure, having no life and not accomplishing anything in life? Like having a pointless empty life

C- Current time: 23:49

D- Drink you last had: green tea (is cup of tea...code?)

E- Every day starts with: stretching and making funny noises in order to wake up

F- Favorite song: right now I’m obsessed with September by Earth, Wind & Fire, but I have this never-ending soundtrack which I love

G- Ghosts, are they real: YES.

H- Hometown: Santiago de Chile

I- In love with: My pets, my garden, tiny things and figurines, sleeping, learning about plants, MY WORMS! (for composting)

J- Jealous of: the people who live in London because I would sell both my kidneys to go back and stay

K- Killed someone: yes, a bus full of kids like two weeks ago... not.

L- Last time you cried: I’m not sure, can’t remember

M- Middle name: My first name is María, mi middle name is Victoria HELLO (also I’ve a second middle name)

N- Number of siblings: One younger brother.

O- One wish: To be hired by this genious group of entrepreneurs who interviewed me a couple of days ago!

P- Person you last called/texted: A friend from uni WHO HAD THE NERVE TO TELL ME NOT TO WATCH SHERLOCK BEFORE TFP AIRS WTF

Q- Question you’re always asked: I’m always asked about university, people tend to believe i’m a shitty student because I’ve switched majors 3 times, but I’ve learnt so much and I don’t regret doing it

R- Reason to smile: music, waffles, my brother, my tomatoes growing and turning red, the compost bin in my garden, my pets, movies, books, THIS HUGE FULL MOON

S- Song last sang: Don’t go breaking my heart

T- Time you woke up: at 9:30

U- Underwear color: nude and pastel pink, I wear a lot of white clothes

V- Vacation destination: dream one? Probably Asia, but the upcoming holidays I’ll be headed to the beach probably

W- Worst habit: pulling my hair and sometimes plucking it, I believe there’s a name for it, and it gets worse whenever I’m anxious, but I literally can’t control my hands from going to my head and touching every hair

X- X-rays you’ve had: teeth, bladder, hands, lungs.

Y- Your favorite foods: since I became a vegetarian I CAN’T STOP EATING CHEESE. Other than that I love sweets, cakes, pancakes, waffles, biscuits, chocolates, PASTA! and this baguette with nuts inside, that’s good stuff 10/10

Z- Zodiac sign: Leo

I taggggg @arts-and-mycrofts @scotchlock @irulan-of-london @teaandforeshadowing @onehazerly @rainbowlock @bi-john and whoever wants to do it! have fun <3

#yes i shouldn't be here #i just wanted to do this #BACK TO HIATUS #tag game #26 things about me #victoria is obsessed #not fandom #have fun

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itchymatchoo · 4 years

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So. Hello there. It’s been a while since I’ve written anything personal on this blog and I usually do that when I need to get my mind off pressing issues by ranting about them so. I guess that’s what I’m about to do right now? Except that the issue isn’t really... pressing, per se. It’s just a culmination of everything that’s happened ‘til now I guess.

I think I’m depressed. I know that I’ve been saying this to myself over and over again. And I definitely feel like I’ve been depressed for a really long time so I really don’t know why stating it now even makes a lick of difference.

I don’t know. The only other people I’ve ever told about this, I mean outrightly, were my parents and some internet friends. And maybe I’ve told a few irl friends? But idk, I guess I just never made it a big deal to them even though I guess it is. There are just a few things that happened lately that made me think about all of this. Again.

So. Lots of things happened this year. I umm finally graduated uni, hurray? And then. Without even getting a tiny bit of space for some much needed R&R after a very stressful semester, we drove right back in for our review sessions for our licensure exams. Long story short, I am now a licensed electronics engineer in my country, hurray?

That sentence you know? “I am now a fully licensed engineer!” It should really spark some kind of pride within me you know? And it does. Kind of. I did put in SOME time into it so I definitely feel like I deserve some credit but.

I never admitted this to ANYONE outside of my family but. Every single day after listening to the review lectures, trying to absorb all that content, yadda yadda. Every single day after the review. Do you know what I did? I just played games.

I know it sounds anticlimactic like, aw dude is that it? It’s ok to take a break sometimes man. But you don’t understand. While my friends and my other peers were tearing their hair out studying really hard, memorising formulas, making reviewers and reading every single possible source material available, what in the hell’s name was I doing? I was playing. An online mobile game. For days on end.

Like? I know. I knew. I knew that what I was doing was stupid. That what I was doing was self-destructive. That in the end all this was going to achieve was setting myself down a slippery slope and causing grief to my parents who put in the time and money to send me to that review center. I mean, I still went to all my lectures! Most of them. And you know the funny part is that I DO want to learn. I think it’s great to learn all kinds of things but its just that. Reviewing? Studying? I have NEVER been great at that stuff. Never. Not even in uni. I like learning. I really do. But something as rigid as sitting for HOURS AND HOURS on END reading and memorising nothing but words and numbers that really don’t mean anything to me is just so. Anal. And un-engaging. And I can’t focus.

I WENT to the lectures and I LISTENED. Really listened. Tried to absorb all that shit. But this wasn’t like uni where I just had to focus for a few hours a week then once the quizzes and exams were done, I could just flush all that info down the toilet. No, this was a 6 month affair. And I wanted to do it right! I really did. I even bought all kinds of crap to help me organize and I wrote a bunch of formulas on some sticky notes and stuck them on my walls and door. They’re still right here in my room as I write. I still haven’t torn them down! Or deleted the pictures of slides I took that I never even once looked at cause I’m a dumb piece of garbage. Why do I even bother.

Anyway. Somewhere down the road I got tired. I got tired of putting in any effort into something I couldn’t care less about. Or maybe I was just never capable of such things idk. Even the moment where I told my dad that I was finally an engineer, jumping up and down. It was so. Empty. There was feeling of relief and jesus DISbelief. But like. In the end its like. Okay, so what? I mean. I did not take this shit seriously like. At all. I mean, I binged Stranger Things S3 in the middle of the review while my “friends” were saying things to my other friends shit like, wow cant believe you have time to do basic human things instead of studying? Like yikes but also jeez! I was supposed to be that frazzled but I just wasn’t cause I am flaming garbage fire who would much rather focus on other fictional characters’ lives instead of trying to face her own.

Most of them were pretty much miserable while I was much less stressed but only in a reviewing-related sense. The stress I felt all those months was due to the insurmountable guilt I felt by not studying. My friends kept doing these Q&A’s and they must have noticed how I never quip in to answer cause I knew absolute jackshit. And. God I felt like literal walking poison then. Even the simple act of trying to maintain some semblance of camaraderie with these strangers (it’s simple since I’ve been doing it since Day 1) which btw was already jarring in and of itself, was taking so much out of me. Hanging out with these people felt like punishment. A reminder of how much I’m not doing enough. And in the end I was just as miserable as they were. I pretended of course. I pretended like it was fine. Like by the end of it, my life’s not gonna come crashing down on me cause I knew I was gonna fail.

There was this brief stint wherein I didn’t come to classes for a few days and I never told them why when they asked. I just said it wasn’t a big deal and I was gonna to start going again anyway. And how do you even begin to explain this sea of shit? And why would I? I don’t know these people. And they don’t know me. And I am not comfortable enough to share my vulnerabilities with them. How can I? I have nothing in common with them and they didn’t strike me as the type to have long emotional conversations anyway. (Except for you J**z, u da realest bidge out der)

And then there were my parents. My parents who saw how I acted at home. My parents who were the only reason I even tried to push this hard. They knew that all I did all day long was play games on my phone. Did they even do anything about it? Maybe an empty reprimand here and there and a disapproving look sprinkled in between but they don’t actually have any type of consequence attached to them. And you know, yeah I get it. I’m 24. I’m old enough to know what’s wrong and what’s right and what it is I’m actually supposed to be doing. I know they expected me to be responsible for myself but really?

They never even asked me how I was doing. Nothing but reprimands and that’s only if they ever pass me in the hallway or have some kind of forced encounter with me. They never try to seek me out or express outright concern about my well-being. They never ask me, hey what’s really going on? Are you alright? Is there anything you want to talk about? Anything I can do to help? And it’s not like I made it so BLATANTLY OBVIOUS that I was not doing fine in terms of the reviewing or anything right?

It was always just, why aren’t you studying more? Shouldn’t you be studying? Why are you always playing games? It’s like they expect me to be this person and if they knew me AT ALL, they would know that I’m not that person. I never was. And all it did was plough me with even more guilt, made me feel even shittier.

But then they also just, treat me normally? Like nothing’s wrong and everything is right with the world. Like my life wasn’t five seconds away from bursting into flames right in front of their eyes. Like they couldn’t care less if I pass or fail. Because it’s my life not theirs.

Do you even realise? Do you even realise that the only reason I went down this road was just so I could satisfy you? To make amends for all that money you wasted on me in my first uni? Do you realise that the only thing that pushed me forward for all those years and these last 6 months were guilt? Do you know what that feels like? Waking up each day feeling obligated to live life for someone else’s sake. Someone who barely acknowledges all the effort you’ve put in? Do you even know who I am? What I like, what I do in my spare time, what my beliefs are? Do you know anything about your daughter at all?

Do you even know how miserable your daughter is right now, writing this shitty rant at 6 in the morning cause she can’t sleep? Do you know how terrified she is right now because of so many uncertain things in her life? Do you know how much she’s wanted to kill herself over the past few years? Because of you? And yet you can’t even give her the barest amount of sympathy. All you care about are society’s expectation’s of you. Do you even ever care about me at all? As a person? But hey, at least now you get to boast about your engineer daughter. I’m happy for you.

The saddest part is that I know I’ll never ever get to have that kind of conversation with them. Ever. Because God knows I’ve tried and I know.

I know that my mom will find a way twist things in a way to make it seem like she’s the victim in all this. Like she’s the only one suffering. And how much her name will be besmirched if word gets out that her daughter has a mental illness and is suffering from suicidal ideations! Oh how scandalous! Who could have raised such a terrible child! Like I basically confessed to her that I WANT TO DIE EVERY SINGLE DAY and she was like THINK ABOUT ME AND WHAT THEY WOULD SAY ABOUT ME!! LIKE??? WHO IN THE FUCK EVEN ARE “THEY”!!! This is your daughter, basically pleading, crying for help and you. You just, don’t care. At all. You only care about yourself. That’s what it felt like. You might as well have said, suck it up chump cause that’s basically what I got from that conversation. You don’t care about me getting better.

And then there’s my emotionally constipated father who will either tell me that the reason I have these dark thoughts is because there are demons inside my head or be completely silent, pretending to give a shit before his fingers slowly inch towards the remote. Because screw me and my issues, right? He’s had a hard day at work, he deserves to relax.

I honestly can’t tell who is worse.

So yeah. In this house, we pretend like we don’t have issues. Learned that the goddamn fucking hard way. Suck it up chumps. And they wonder why I don’t want to have children? Maybe because I don’t want to end up like you two.

To be fair, we do have our fun and I do love them despite their shortcomings. I guess this is just me wanting what I can’t have. I can’t expect them to be better. How do you even go about that? I don’t think they even realise that they need to be better. I think they think that they’re doing an okay job which, you know, false, so... I should just learn to deal. It’s depressing but even the people who brought you into this world can really just disappoint you like that.

Anyway. So yeah I can’t talk to anyone. I feel alone even when I finally have people around me. I’m finally free from all these big obligations. I finally have these successes to cover up the massive failures of the past. But it just feels empty and I still feel just as shitty as before.

What now? I got lucky with my thesis and on one of my subjects and managed to graduate on time (relatively speaking). Then I got lucky again with my licensure exam and managed to eke out passing grade. Is that it though? Gonna rely on luck my whole life? Procrastinating ‘til the day I die? Fake it ‘til you make it or die trying? Killing myself from the anxiety of whether I crash and burn or fly and flourish? How am I even supposed to find a job with an academic record as dismal as mine? Do I even want to work as an engineer? Can I afford therapy when I work? From what I hear, millennials are highly underpaid and can barely make ends meet. I’m 24. I’m not as young as the newly graduates but I don’t even do my own laundry nor do I know how to. How is there any way out of this? How can I get better? Am I capable? Or was I always destined to die by the side of the road like a roadkill? I keep wanting things for myself yet look at me. I’ve been in my bed for nearly a week now. My hair is greasy and I feel gross. And I’ve missed several appointments. And even though I’ve had plenty of opportunity, I haven’t showered for a good 5 days cause my limbs feels heavy which makes no sense since I move around a lot anyway. And I always wanna eat shit and binge content all day long and get depressed when I run out of content so I resort to posting a rant at tumblr.com.

tl;dr: i suffer from impostor syndrome, i have mommy and daddy issues, i feel so utterly alone and i’m still depressed and everything is still shitty despite my “achievements”.

So really. Nothing new.

#personal #dont read #rant

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mrsvioletrebellious-blog · 7 years

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Single pringles

Anyone that knows me knows I ain’t really lived a full single life. Like I’ve had a few single gaps like a uni gap year if you will. But actually being a single adult has been short and sweet. Well fuck me sideways what a fuckin palava!!!!

People are random beings. Like fuck me, what has happened to dating you see someone’s cock before they’ve even bought you a fuckin drink son 🙄

I am brutally honest which I’m starting to see for many people is actually a turn off 😂😂

And I’m starting too see even more so that people are really fuckin dishonest ! Likewise a fuckin turn off!

I don’t even know what stage I’m even at yet! I miss my ex, I wanna fuck, I hate men, I don’t wanna be alone, I’d rather die then have a boyfriend, I hope one day I get married. Like ima fuck up 😂👌🏻

But any conversations I’ve had with a man I’ve tried to be quite clear I don’t wanna be your girlfriend. I don’t want to marry you, but I ain’t a booty call I expect to be taken out for dinner, have a few drinks be made to laugh all night and then you get your bang. It’s actually shocking how men have readily been just getting free gash for years. Like they don’t expect to even have any chase. They’re like I pick youuuuuu 👉🏾 and expect a Fuckin knicker drop lmao.

A friend of mine we shall call her sandy 😂

Has known a bloke years probably always been on the cards, met up on the random had a sexual encounter, great laugh and done. Thanks for a great weekend see you in five years or whatever lol He then comes at her with I wanna see you, get to know you, bla bla, well god love old sandy, she’s like mmmmm you are hot maybe I should flow we had fun so she’s like ok fabulous.. cause he’s said it repeatedly, and then he says ok I’ll let you know…. let you know 😭🤚🏻 bitch please. So sandy says I’m abit confused you was all on it on it . I say game and your like cold as ice, he’s like noooo I wanna see you. That was probably in fairness Sandys first error. I second was that she fell for it. They made an arrangement to see eachover that weekend and he said he’d let her know an arrangement and then guess what…… Nothing litreally nothing, sweet fuck all??!!!!!!! Now god love sandy she’s like bitch just played me like a banjo. She didn’t even know if She wanted him I thought we got on could have a one time, regular or who the fuck knows but no man out it out there and stole it back 😂😂 don't know wether to high five him or break his jaw lol.

Another friend Jane her n this geezer had a thing it ended he got a bird they split up he dipped Jane, got back with the bird, dipped Jane, they spoke about feelings went in depth had a proper ya know life convo, and then he just went again just poof 👋🏻😂

Another mate of mine lee met a lad he’s gone down on her half way through she’s gone now stop 🤚🏻 never ever ever do that to anyone ever again 😭

Steve took a bird home last night from the pub 3.00 in the morning she goes you gotta go my housemate be home in a minute and you fucked her last week 😩

Like seriously I can’t cope with this savagery 😱

My mate meets more geezers on tinder then she does in the real world I sat with her looking. You may aswell hand me a space ship and a Fuckin tortoise and ask me to make you a house cause fuck that shit is out of my brain capacity. I will never Internet date cause fuck man I’m old school wether you wanna marry me or I wanna marry you. A girl needs a chase ffs buy me a drink out the work in, earn your empty bollox darling, earn themmmmm.

And people don’t give too fucks who there mates have slept with that’s my biggest error like whatttttttt I don’t wanna bounce on you if my friend has and why do you wanna dick me if ya mate has..

Like I ain’t looking for love fuck I don’t even know what I’m looking for I’m just chilling I’m litreally chilling I’ve knocked back more sausage then a fuckin Muslim the last 6 weeks 🙌🏻

But honestly where does love come now do you eventually just settle for a fuck buddy?

Like what was the first present you got ya wife ermmm a picture of me cock on day one lad 👌🏻

It kills me in the nicest way and it always scares me cause when the time comes how will it happen.

And contrary to popular belief I’m actually very good girl I don’t whore about I’m a picky bitch if I’m bangin you I’m banging you wether it’s exclusively or not, so if I don’t bang a million men in this shitty town how will I ever find him. I’m literally gonna end up an old hoe who never marries. Cause look I went out of town once and look how that ended up for me 🙄😩

I got fuckin Prince Charming who wines dined and 69d me and was every sense of the word bloody perfect then I peeled off a few layers and realised Fuck this man is a next level psycho 😂😂😂

So I think if I get married it’s gonna have to be a bird but fuck there savagery is as bad they’ll all bang other girls men like please where has the girl code gone… it actually effects my heart DONT DIP YO HANDS IN ANOTHER BITCHES COOKIE JAR !!!

and stds pleasedont even get me started cause let’s all have a group moment

CONDOMS ARE FUCKIN SHIT !

you May aswell get kneee deep on a dildo but you can’t ask a random bang get an std check can ya 😏🤔

I feel sorry for all my friends male and female who live this life and those of you that say omg I love it…. like how ??!!

I love being single but mate I want cock without the drama. I don’t want a man right now but eventually and damn I also don’t want a different cock every week 😳😂

How can you expect someone to buy the cow when your given away the burgers for free 🤔

Someone enlighten me.

Cause all I’m doing lately is 👋🏻🛳

Sailing ships man sailing shipsssss

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