#watching the lost boys really was just me looking directly at alex winter every time he was on screen

[3lizab3t]

#the lost boys #the lost boys marko #marko the lost boys #my art #watching the lost boys really was just me looking directly at alex winter every time he was on screen #horror

[v1olentdelights]

The Hardest Things

Reggie Peters x reader 

-angst with a splash of fluff-

Trigger Warnings: this is a tear jerker. just a fair warning, but I think that’s it.

There are times in your life that seem unbearable, a mountain you can never get over. But truly 2 of the hardest things to say are the first hello, and the last goodbye. Though the ones that hurt the most are the ones that aren’t ever said or explained. And that is what led you to this exact moment, you were sitting in the middle of your room on the floor. Screaming and crying because he was going to make it big, he was going to be a Rockstar and he was going to keep loving you. He promised you that after his show that he would take you with the boys to go get ice cream. But now that promise was broken, and you were broken too. 

“YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO STAY!” you scream at him. The hot tears falling faster “YOU PROMISED ME YOU WERE GONNA STAY!” closing your eyes you see those horrid flashing lights of an ambulance, quickly you open them pushing the image away. “I love you too much for you to leave me…” you whispered in a broken quiet voice.

At some point you had fallen asleep on the floor out of exhaustion, you were holding one of his flannels close to your chest trying to soak up his scent. Hoping to never forget him, well you knew you could never forget him. What broke your heart even more is that you had not only lost your soul mate, Reggie, but you lost two of your best friends. Luke who had been able to whip up a tune in seconds that was sure to make you forget whatever it was that had bothered you. And Alex, who would listen to you talk about your day or cry on his shoulder when everything seemed to be going wrong. But then there was Reggie, who understood you better than anyone, he knew when you were upset or sad before you even did. 

You had held onto every memory with the boys. The practices where they let out everything into their music, and the ones where they were exhausted but pushed on. You remembered the smiles on their faces when they had finished a gig and the crowd was cheering them on, every silly wink Reggie had given you from the stage. As time went by you would go to their favorite diner and sit in your booth, at the corner of the table were your initials, Alex was against the idea but soon gave in. You run your fingers over their names every time. Bobby had suggested you go to therapy to talk about it, he had mentioned feeling relieved after each session. You had refused each time until you realized he wouldn’t give up till you gave in.

***

“How are you feeling today?” the therapist asked you, you looked past her out the window at the cityscape.

“I’m fine, how are you?” Hearing a chuckle you turn your head to look at her and then back to the window.

“This is about you darling, not me. But truly how are you feeling, losing someone is hard and I don’t think after how it all happened you would be fine.” you tapped out the rhythm to ‘Now or Never’ on your thigh while trying to find a believable lie.

“I truly am fine, I have accepted it. You know it’s not like I can bring them back so really I am fine now.” Though the tears pooling in your eyes told a different story. Deeply sighing she set her pen down.

“Well if you won’t tell me then why don’t you tell them?” snapping your eyes back to her.

“What do you mean?” feeling your heart speed up.

“Write them a letter talking about how you feel.”

*** 

Reggie,

Hey baby I really miss you and the boys. It seems like everyday you are gone the harder it gets. I mean I don’t get my special Reggie hugs every morning, or a sloppy kiss on the cheek. You know I used to tell you how much I ‘hated it’ but now I could really use one, just one more. That’s all I want is one more day with you, one more day with the boys, one last chance to say goodbye. Because I am realizing now that I hadn’t even told you I loved you the day you… the day you left. I just kissed you on the cheek and said good luck, hoping to see you after your show. But it didn’t turn out that way did it? I remember you used to tell me all the time “expect the unexpected” though that was when you came up behind me to twirl me around and tickle me. But expecting the unexpected is hard, especially when you were ready for something else you know? 

I miss you, I know I already said that but I do. I miss the times you would come over and just lay directly on me, all the times you would peer over my shoulder as I tried to do my homework. The times when you trusted me enough to come and let it all go, your endless list of country songs that were never played, all of the pizza dates where we argued about pineapple on pizza. I miss the way that you always seemed to be warm and I was always cold, I miss your amazing voice and your bass. I miss everything about you, from your rosy red cheeks to your iconic leather jacket. What makes it hurt even more is that you will never know how much all this meant to me, because I was too afraid to tell you. I don’t know what I was afraid of, maybe that you would think I was crazy. Or that you would hate all of these things. Sometimes now I just want to give up, because what’s the point of moving on if you’re not there to move on with. I hate how you left me, because I feel stuck now, I always felt free with you. I felt like I could conquer the world, well maybe not the world but still. 

You were always trying to teach me things and that made me feel free. Like the time you were laying on my bed as I finished my homework. You had your bass so that you could practice while I worked. However you didn’t notice that I was just watching you in awe because you look so handsome when you are focused. Setting my homework aside I turned all my attention to you, looking up at me through your eyelashes you blushed. You had asked me why I was staring at you, I simply said that you sounded great instead of telling you the real reason. It was because I could never get enough of you and when others would get full and leave, I would still be there not even halfway full. Do you want me to teach you how to play? You had asked with your eyes widening. Of course I said yes, so you had moved your bass and told me to sit in your lap and I could feel my face flush. Hesitantly I sat down and you put the bass in my lap. You quickly kissed my cheek before teaching me the chords to ‘Now or Never’ the next day at practice you had the boys play along with me. As soon as the song and my arms were free you picked me up and kissed me all over my face. Setting me down quickly Bobby high fived me while Luke and Alex hugged me. 

That evening you walked me home, it wasn’t too bad out. Usually Luke walked me home since we lived closer to each other but he was busy so you did. We were outside my door when I turned to face you I saw your cheeks were redder than normal. I brought my hand up to see if you had a fever or something you had taken me aback.

“I love you.” you whispered. Quickly clearing your throat you repeated yourself louder and more confident. “I love you Y/N.”  “I love you too, more than you know.” I responded, your hand was on my cheek and mine on top. “Can I kiss you?” your voice was a little hoarse as you asked. “Please.” I responded in a whisper. And when you kissed me it wasn’t like they describe in the books, it wasn’t like fireworks, the nerves in my body weren’t buzzing. It was like staring up at the night sky and seeing all the stars staring at you, or when you perfectly balanced the light switch in the middle of on and off. It was better than fireworks. That was the moment I knew that if this ever ended it was going to hurt. No not just hurt, it was going to break the both of us.

Letting the sobs rack through your body you reach for the box of tissues on your desk but there were none left. In your emotional state this made you cry more, getting up to get tissues from the bathroom you had missed how the paper moved ever so slightly. Though the whole time you had missed the shiver that went down your spine, as if someone was hugging you. Walking away you had been oblivious to the fact that Reggie had been there all along, reading over your shoulder. It makes sense though, he was a ghost who you couldn’t see or touch. 

Coming back from to sit at the desk and finish your letter you saw an envelope that hadn’t been there before. It had your name on it in a familiar handwriting. Taking a deep breath you opened the envelope and pulled out a small mesh bag, a picture, and 3 pieces of paper. Pulling out 2 rings from the bag, you could feel more sadness take over before laughing for a moment. Reggie had promised you one day that he was going to marry you, the boys had laughed it off but you knew he was serious. The rings in your hand read ‘Home’ and ‘Light’ you had always called Reggie your light because he had helped you in your darkest times and he called you his home because to him, home wasn’t a place, it was a person. And that person was you. Picking up the picture it was of you and the boys together laughing. You remembered that day, somehow you had convinced the boys, though Alex didn’t need much, to go to your Freshman winter dance. They had all showed up at your house with a flower and you had given them all a boutonniere. You guys were dressed up as fancy as 15 year old's could be, and someone had made a joke, your mother had managed to catch the moment. 

Reggie insisted we write you a letter for after we become famous, just so you never forget us. This so stupid, but I love you, and I love Reggie so here you go. Dear Y/N, thank you for loving me and accepting me. I don’t know if I would have survived being with these 2 stupid heads without you. In case we really do get famous and forget you, which we won’t, I just want you to know that I really love you. You are the bestest non-blood related sister a guy could ask for. 

Y/N, I guess we are famous now and have forgotten you? But that can’t be real I mean come on you helped write most of our songs. Well actually since you are the only one who will read this letter I’m going to let you in on a secret. You know that song ‘His’ ? Well it is about you, Bobby had told me about this girl that he really, and I mean really liked. So I wrote a song, I think I am the only one who knew about it though. But you know he has moved on with someone else. Anyways, I don’t think there is any way I could forget about you. So um thank you, when I left home and you found out, you had always made sure that I had somewhere to sleep and something to eat. It meant a lot, so yeah thank you. 

With love,

Alex

Hey there Sweetheart, this one isn’t about me forgetting you because obviously we are married and that would be stupid. So I wanted to let you know how much I love you, because you are my home. You are my everything and my forever. Thank you for helping me when I was struggling at home, you made me feel like I was enough, and like I was loved. You look Gorgeous by the way, and I love you. I know I can’t see you right now but you really do. The boys are complaining that I am taking too long writing my letter so I am gonna end this quickly. You are my soulmate, my home, my breath, my everything and I love you so much. 

Your Favorite,

Luke

Holding the photo close to my chest I lay down in bed pulling his flannel closer to me. It no longer holds his smell, just the memories. The tears come again but this time they are quiet and some are happy. Happy because at the end of the day I know that they will always be in my heart. Feeling a shiver run down my spine I drift off to sleep. 

Xoxo love,

Reggie

Kissing the side of your head and hugging you tightly Reggie steps away and let’s the tears knowing that he can’t come see you again. Because if he did, it would break him and you; the person he loved with all of his heart, the person he was going to marry. Poofing back he let the tears and pain take hold of him, Alex and Luke embraced him as tears of their own fell.

#julie and the phantoms #jatp #bobby wilson #bobby jatp #reggie peters #reggie jatp #luke patterson #luke jatp #alex mercer #alex jatp #sunset curve #sunset curve imagine #grace writes

[jadelotusflower]

Roundup: August 2021

This month: Jane Eyre, Wide Sargasso Sea, Don’t Call it a Cult, The Secret Garden, Showbiz Kids, Masters of the Universe: Revelation, Lucifer.

Reading Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte) - I’ve been meaning to read the Wide Sargasso Sea for a long, long time, but first I thought I’d revisit the source material. I find my opinion hasn’t much changed - I still love the prose, still love Jane as a character, and still find Rochester extremely unappealing. The section with Jane at school is the most engaging for me, and her early time as a governess at Thornfield, but as soon as Rochester shows up I just find him so irritating I have no idea why Jane loves him so much (other than he was the first man to ever show her a scrap of attention). I mean, I know to an extent - I've read the Takes, and part of fiction is accepting what you want for the character as a reader and what they want for themselves can be two different things, and that's not the fault of the text. I can be satisfied by the ending because Jane gets what she wants, I just can’t help but wonder about a Jane who was found by John Eyre before she went to Thornfield, or who took her inheritance and made her own way after Moor House. Byronic heroes just aren't my thing I guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Wide Sargasso Sea (Jean Rhys) - The first Mrs Rochester of Jane Eyre strikes an uneasy tone to a modern reader; she does not utter a word in the novel, is depicted as animalistic and almost demonic, her story only told in a self-serving manner by Rochester, and conveniently disposed of so Jane can return to claim him. Rhys reimagines Bertha as Antoinette, a “white Creole” of Jamaica in a postcolonial take on the racial/social prejudices and hierarchy only hinted at in Eyre, where Bertha being Creole primarily an aspect of her Otherness, and in which Rochester describes himself as being desired as a husband because he was "of good race" . In Sea, although Antoinette is white (passing, perhaps), he sees her "not English or European either" and this contributes to his rejection of her (and perhaps his willingness to believe she is mad). The novel is surprisingly short - it skips over the meeting and courtship of Antoinette and Rochester (tellingly unnamed in the novel) entirely, jumping directly from her childhood/coming of age to the couple already married, and over much of Bertha's (renamed by Rochester) sad life in the attic. Still, there's a density to the writing, much is implied beyond the sparse use of words and recurring imagery - subjugation, reflection, and of course, fire - when freed slaves (Rhys changes the timeframe to after the passing of the Emancipation Act of 1833) set fire to Antoinette's family plantation, a pet parrot whose wings have been clipped by her English step-father Mason, cannot flee and falls to a fiery doom, in a grim omen of Bertha's fate. It did, however, leave me wanting more - I understand Rhys' stylistic choices and restraint, but in her effort to give voice to the voiceless, Antoinette/Bertha remains somewhat an enigma. Don’t Call it a Cult: Keith Raniere and the women of NXIVM (Sarah Berman) - I continue to be disturbed but intrigued by the NXIVM case, not only because of my abhorrence of MLMs/pyramid schemes, but my bafflement as to how this thoroughly unremarkable man was able to hold sway over so many women. My mild criticism of the two documentaries on this subject was that they tended to jump around in time so you never really got a good idea of what happened when. This book provides a well researched, detailed summary of events and linear chronology of Raniere’s perverse pathology reaching all the way back to childhood, and so is both an excellent supplement to the already informed, and broad overview to those new to the case. Berman is a Vancouver-based journalist who was present at Raniere’s trial and gives insight into witness testimony, supported by her own interviews and extensive research. There's less of a focus on the sensationalised celebrity members, with greater emphasis on the lesser known victims - including the three Mexican sisters who were all abused by Raniere, one of whom was kept confined to a room for years. It's difficult reading, consolation being the

knowledge that Raniere is rotting in prison and that his crimes finally caught up with him. Watching The Secret Garden (dir. Marc Munden) - Spoilers, if one needs a spoiler warning for a 110 year old novel. One of those stories that is adapted every generation, and generally I have no problem with this, since new adaptations can often bring something new or be a different take on old material (see Little Women 2019). But a part of me can’t help feel why bother with this when the perfect 1993 version exists. There is an Attempt at something new with this film, moving the setting forward to 1947 (Mary’s parents having died during the Partition), and turning the garden from a small walled secret to a mystical, huge wonderland full of ferns and flowers and endless sun. But in doing so, the central metaphor is lost - rather than Mary discovering something abandoned and run wild, gently bringing it back to life with love and care, she merely discovers a magical place that requires no effort on her part. There’s also less of a character arc for Mary, remaining unpleasant far into the proceedings, forcing Colin to visit the garden instead of it being his true wish, and generally succeeding by imposing her will on everyone else. In many ways she’s more like Burnett's other child heroine Sarah Crewe - the film opens I’m with her telling stories to her doll including Ramayana, which is eerily reminiscent of Alfonso Cuaron's (also perfect) 1995 adaptation of A Little Princess. But I suppose a sliver of credit where it's due - Julie Walters' Mrs Medlock is less of an antagonist, with Colin Firth's Lord Craven being Mary's primary obstacle. There's also a subplot with Mary's mother's depression following the death of her sister being the reason for her neglect (and Merlin alum Rupert Young shows up briefly as Mary's father) but like shifting the time period, there just doesn't seem to be a point to it. The climax of the film involves the Manor burning down (writer Jack Thorne stealing from Rebecca too, lol), with Mary and Craven have a very calm conversation as fire and smoke surrounds them. It’s all very bizarre, but also…rather dull? Don't bother with this, just watch the 1993 film again. Showbiz Kids (dir. Alex Winter) - a really interesting documentary on the titular subject - Winter was himself a child actor on Broadway before his film career kicked off in The Lost Boys and Bill and Ted, and has been able to assemble a broad range of interview subjects - Mara Wilson, Evan Rachel Wood, Wil Wheaton, Jada Pinkett Smith among others - former child actors, those still in the business, and some up and comers like Disney star Cameron Boyce (who I was sad to see in the coda has passed away). We also follow two young hopefuls - Marc, attending acting classes and auditioning in pilot season, yet to book a job but his parents are invested in "his" dream, and Demi, already established on Broadway but having to start to make choices between a career and a childhood. There's no voiceover, no expert opinions in this, letting the actors speak for themselves, but there is a telling juxtaposition of Marc returning home, jobless but having fun in the pool with his friends, while Demi has to cancel the summer camp she had been so looking forward to because she has booked a new role. The film is fairly even handed, but ultimately I took away that there just seems to be more harm than not in this industry, and abuses of many kinds. It does make you wonder about the ethics of child acting, at least in the current system where the cautionary tales are plentiful. Masters of the Universe: Revelation (episodes 1-5) - Mild spoilers I guess? I was never really into He-Man as a kid, other than the Secret of the Sword movie, so most of the in jokes and references in this went over my head. I have to admit, it was actually seeing all the outrage that made me want to check this out and see what all the complaining was about. I actually…really enjoyed it?!? I’m sympathetic to the complaints of a bait and switch (creators really need to learn to say

“just wait and see”), but other than that in my view the rest seemed completely unfounded. Adam/He-Man being killed in the first episode and the impact that has on Eternia and those left behind is actually a really interesting premise. This isn’t a TLJ situation; in contrast everyone (except Evil-Lyn) is always going on about how much they miss Adam, and the whole point of the first arc is him coming back. There’s also a nice little detail of Adam in Preternia (heroes heaven) choosing to remain as he is rather than as He-Man where all his predecessors have chosen their “ultimate” forms. I love him and his Magical Girl transformation. As for Teela - female characters can’t win, it seems. If they are perfect, they’re Mary Sues, if they have flaws, they’re unlikeable. Teela is Going Through things and is on a journey, but I often feel (and it seems the case here) that people confuse a character arc with author intent. No! Just because a character says/does something it doesn't mean you're supposed to agree with them! Some of Teela's actions may be petty and her demeanor less than sweet, but people make bad choices as a response to grief, and I actually thought her anger over Adam never telling her his secret and how that manifested was a pretty interesting take. I'll be interested to see the next half of the season, and ignore the ragebait youtube commentary. One more thing - Evil-Lyn (perfectly voiced by Lena Headey) was an absolute delight. Lucifer (season 5 part 2): They’ve basically given up on the procedural side of things by now and are leaning heavily into the mythology, which works for me since the case of the week is always the least interesting part of any show. It also struck me this season that there’s gender parity in the main cast (Lucifer, Amenadiel, Dan and then Chloe, Maze, Ella, Linda) - and actually, that’s more women than men. How often does that happen?!? I can’t say I’m particularly engaged with the Lucifer/Chloe pairing, but am happy to go along with it since that’s where the whole plot revolves. The best scenes for me this season were with God’s Dysfunctional Family, even if the lead up to the finale felt rushed (I understand the need to wrap things up in case of cancellation but still). I would have liked to see more of the sibling dynamics between the angels and less romantic drama, but hey. The character death got me, as well. I didn't see it coming and I didn't realise how much I had enjoyed that character until they were gone and well...it got me. I see the last season is coming soon, I'm not exactly sure where they can go from here, but looking forward to it nonetheless. Writing I was actually quite sick this month with a throat infection, so wasn't in the best frame of mind to get anything finished like I had planned to. I'm going to hold off posting the word count this month and roll it over to September when hopefully I've actually posted things.

#roundup #reading watching writing #august roundup

[drethebarber]

THE “DRE THE BARBER” STORY by Andrae Deon Davis

What’s good world! This is a story about a young man some of you may know and others may not, but let me take you on a ride through my life. I was born in March 1982 and raised in Little Rock, Arkansas on the south side of the city. The middle child of three, I had an older brother named Chris and a little sister, Katheryn. My single mother, Wendy, was so beautiful, hardworking, church going, and could sing her butt off. She had one of the most beautiful voices you would ever hear. She took care of her kids on her own and made sure we had things provided for.

Chris had a different father while Kat and I had the same dad. Our dad, Ramon, was a preacher and was part of a gospel singing group. His side of the family was into church heavy and could sing very well. I guess that’s how my mother and father met. Just about every weekend, I would go spend time with my dad and my paternal grandmother, Mae. Kat was too young, so she really couldn’t come. Grandma Mae just loved the boys of the family, not really caring much about the girls at all for some reason. I recall going to be with my dad to watch him sing and play drums, and sometimes lead the group on a song or two. My mother didn’t really care for him, as she would sometimes prevent my sister and I from seeing him and often calling him “Reverend Low Down.” I’m guessing she had personal issues going on with him. Sometimes my dad wouldn’t show up when he said he was coming. I would just have a fit and cry often times because I loved being around my dad so much.

As the years progressed, the streets started taking a bad turn in the late 80’s. Drugs and gangs were on the rise and my brother Chris was slowly getting more involved in the streets. He was hanging with his neighborhood friends. They all went to Mitchell Elementary, hung out every day, and played for a little league football team called the Sunset Tigers. One day Chris and his friends got together and made up a posse. This was during the time that gangster rap was thriving. You had your N.W.A’s and other similar groups, etc. Chris and friends, Alex, Harold, T.J., Bobby, Frankie, and Ant used to hang on this corner called Shillier, and on this corner the street number was 23rd. They decided to take 23rd and make it into a posse. They were kicking people’s butts fighting, stealing, and they were even doing makeshift tattoos with erasers putting “23rd” on their arms. The click took a turn in the early 90’s however. Some of the friends went their ways, but the posse continued to grow, turning into “the Crips.” Alex, Ant, Frankie, and Bobby, remained “23rd” and my brother Chris, Harold, T.J. became “8ball Bloods.” Later through the years, the friends became enemies, and over time relations worsened.

During this time in the early 90’s, it was evident the streets weren’t safe anymore. You had “Bloods” around the corner, and “Crips” on the next. There was drive by after drive by, killing after killing, and violence was rampant. Seeing this, my mother moved around quite a bit, but never quite out of the area. Chris would go spend time with our maternal grandma, Henrie Lee, and our uncles Willie, Mooney, Kwanis, and Aunt Edwina to try to keep him out of trouble. But that didn’t help anyway. Chris was getting into a lot of trouble, so they moved to 29th and Summit in a big, beautiful house on the corner. Though the home itself was a nicer place to live than the last living environment, it was directly across the street from the Sunset Projects. The whole block was full of “Bloods” and “Vice Lords,” drug dealers, killers, and crack addicts. Anything and everything you can name was on that block. There was something peculiar going on. Chris started to really change, selling dope heavy, getting busted, and the streets just took him under. My mother, too, started to change. She was a janitor for the school district making good money, but lost her job because the streets were getting to her. Things just started to change for the worst it seemed as she later on became a crack addict herself.

My brother’s friends were serving off our porch, and serving my mother as well. I was finding crack pipes all around the house, seeing my mother sleep with all kinds of men, walking in her room and seeing her lie across the bed butt naked, sleep with a crack pipe on the side of the night stand. Winter came and we would have no lights, water, or gas at times. Roaches and maggots were in our food, and we’d only be surviving off of Faygo pop drinks and Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. Often times, we’d ask the neighbors for clean drinking water. Things were so bad, not only did we have pests and rodents living with us, rats would chew up our clothes. So one day, my Grandma Henrie Lee just got sick and tired, and came and got Kat and I while we both were still in elementary school. My brother, Chris, was in jail for beating up a teacher at Southwest Jr. High. Grandma Henrie made sure Kat and I were good, showing us how to respect others, and how to take care of ourselves. My mother continued to stay out in the streets. Progressively declining and starting to be more visibly battered, becoming very skinny, and not looking like the mother I had known. She looked like she could die any day.

As a young man entering junior high at Henderson, I also was straggling the line between being in the streets like my brother or growing up to be a good young man. One day I got caught throwing up gang signs. Somebody told my Uncle Willie, who was a police officer by trade, and understandably stern with me. My uncle got on me tough, put a whipping to my backside, and told me forcefully that he would not let me end up in these streets like Chris. He just didn’t want to lose another nephew, so he did what he could to influence and rear me. By this time it was the late 90’s, and I was entering high school. My grandmother sent me to live with my Uncle Willie and his wife because she felt that I needed a father figure in my life. After reviewing her options, she thought that Uncle Willie was the best fit, and I must say Uncle Willie did a good job at it. He took me in and showed me how to be a respectful, clean, and responsible young man.

While I was in high school, my mom went to prison. The drugs did her so bad, and she just didn’t want help. She was in jail my last two years of high school. Hoping she would get out by the time I graduated in 2000, when she didn’t, my mother sent me a letter telling me how sorry she was. I was just in tears uncontrollably. The slight bright side was that my brother Chris actually did get out of jail in time to watch me graduate. I don’t believe people in high school ever knew what was going on in my life because I never showed it. I would always dressed nice and kept a smile on my face. I would try to keep people smiling, laughing just to be silly, and enjoying being the life of the party. My Uncle Willie’s wife was trying to get me to go to college heavy. She had me applying for school after school. I loved drawing, and was looking at art schools, but there was something different I wanted to do. I wanted to cut hair though never in life had I picked up clippers. I told my uncle’s wife that I wanted to go to barber school and she just shot my dreams down. She said that I would never make it cutting hair since there’s no money in it. Because she came from a family that went on to school, she figured that’s what I needed to do.

Hearing this, I decided to go and talk to my grandmother seeing that I knew she’d give me a different opinion. She told me to be whatever I want to be and if that’s being a barber then I should do it. She said she knew I would make it and be okay if I followed my heart. So then I had a talk with my uncle. He just kept it all out real, saying that college is not for everybody. He advised that if I felt that it’s not for me, then I should just do something productive. That was like the best advice I’d ever heard. After talking with them, I applied to barber school and got accepted. After this, my uncle’s wife didn’t like it at all. We wound up getting into it and she didn’t want me living there anymore. She even went on to say that I was the reason that my uncle and her weren’t working out. After facing this news, I decided to bounce and go live with my brother Chris. He made sure I was straight, but I knew this new lifestyle came with other facets. Chris was then selling drugs really heavy, and most nights we had to answer the door with guns. There were drug addicts running in and out of the home, due to my brother selling everything you can name. With me responding to the cards I was given, everything came with a grain a salt. I was now pursuing my dream of becoming a barber, but things in my life were still becoming worse.

I ended up moving out of the apartment from my brother because of safety. By this time it’s 2001, and I had a girl by the name of Shae. She was fresh out of high school, and both of us got a place together in the same complex that my brother Chris was staying in. I was still in school, but after school I would drive her car around and cut hair for $5 while she was at work. She held me down, paid the bills until I was out of school, and worked long hours to make it happen. My brother was keeping the drugs and guns at our apartment so the cops wouldn’t know where to find it if they busted him. Chris was getting big time, making all kinds of money, and things just started to change in 2002. He started messing with more of the wrong people, and I watched as friends and family got jealous. People were getting over on him, yet Chris and some of our cousins had the city on lock. Things went sour, and Chris ended up catching an attempted murder charge. He shot a chick seven times, and got into it with more people. It got so bad that he told me and Shae to move somewhere else because he didn’t feel that we were safe staying there anymore. He told me to give the drugs and guns to our cousins so they can come up on some money to get him out.

Chris was later able to get out on a $250,000 bond. He was out of jail only three months when he and I talked, and he told me I’m the reason he sold drugs and did what he did. It was because of how he coped with how we were struggling and how he wanted to see the family bounce back. Then a couple weeks after this, Chris got killed. He was found shot dead in a ditch on July 4th, 2002. I had lost my only brother, and our cousin was killed the day before. Grandma Henrie Lee died a couple months later, then I lost my best friend Braylon that same summer, all in one year. Then, to compound this, I broke up with my girlfriend Shae after three years due to the pressure.

Despite this, I ended up getting out of school in 2003, becoming one of the city of Little Rock’s highly talked about barbers. I have traveled around the nation cutting all kinds of celebrities’ hair. I won the “Best Barber” award in 2006. As well, I also became a rapper and had one of the best songs that came out in the city, called “Do the Jump Rope.” The hit made mainstream, allowing me to perform on MTV Sweet 16, and opening up for various big-time artists. Then, however, I knew there was a bigger picture I had drawn out.

In 2008, my mom went back to prison again. I used to be so upset at her, but I learned to let it go, and allow God to handle it. She will always be my mom, and you only get one. For her to get better, she will need me and my sister to hold her down and be there for her when needed. I decided to move to Atlanta in 2008. I jumped out on faith, leaving everything behind. All of my worries, stress, my losses, and just started over. I haven’t looked back since. I’ve met and fostered great connections with people since arriving. In January 2014, I opened my own shop in Atlanta called Levelz Beauty and Barber Lounge. It was one of the most talked about shops in the city. But closed it down in July 2015 due to conflict of interest with my Business partner. Also, I’m glad to say that my mother is out of prison now and has been clean since her release in 2011.

This story is a testament of my life and its struggles. I understand I’ve gone through a lot to get where I wanted to be. It was nothing but the grace of God that got me through this. For the people who are always looking from the outside, you never know what the person you are viewing is going through on the inside. What I did showed people that no matter what happens in your life, it can get better. And I’m a witness to that. Now that I’ve told you, you can see why I’m blessed and why I draw people to me. That’s because I put my mind on being successful and to be the best I want to be. All the stuff I’ve been through in my life, I use it as motivation. I feel that y'all should do the same and stop making excuses. So to all of you that’s going through it, it’s up to y'all to get up and get it! Stop blaming the next man for your struggles. This is my story and I hope y'all enjoyed it.

SHOUT OUT TO MY FAM, THE DAVIS FAMILY, and HUNTER FAMILY. Also, my SISTER KAT. Baby I love you so much eeeeeeeeeeeh!!!!!! To my uncles WILLE, MOONY, and KWANIS. DADDY, FOR GIVING ME THAT CREATIVE SIDE. AND MY BEST FRIEND SHAE of course. I LOVE YOU GIRL AND I OWE YOU THE WORLD. AND ALL MY FRIENDS THAT’S BEEN THROUGH THICK AND THEN WITH ME. UNTIL THEN I’M GOING TO CONTINUE TO BALL OUT AND BE THE BEST! #POW!!!!! YOU CAN HATE ME OR LOVE ME!!!! FOLLOW ME DAILY ON INSTAGRAM https://www.instagram.com/drethebarber

#drethebarber

[because-cur-non]

Top 5 scenes/ moments/ sections of dialogue from RF?

I’m gonna answer this under a cut!

1) Mulligan with Hamilton in loco parentis (I love Mulligan.  I love Mulligan having his shit together more than these kids.  Someday I’ll do a bonus thing of when Hamilton was staying with him.  This is honestly maybe my favorite scene in the whole damn thing because I just love Mulligan so much.)

Mulligan was silent while he composed a message neutral enough to sound like it could have come from anyone and sent it.  He pocketed Hamilton’s phone and let him sit quietly for the rest of the ride.  He paid the driver, led the way into his building, and let them into the apartment.  It sounded like one of his flatmates was in his room but otherwise they were alone.  Hamilton dropped his bag on the floor and collapsed face-down on the sofa.

“I hate this,” he moaned.

“We’ll sort it out.  Take off that jacket, the sleeves are too long for you.  I’m gonna hem ‘em while we wait to hear back from ‘im.”

Hamilton dropped the jacket on the ground without getting up.  Mulligan sighed and picked it up, taking it over to the sewing machine on the table.

“Like raising a friggin’ five year old…”

“Fuck off.”

“You gonna throw a tantrum?”

Hamilton raised one hand to flip him off.

“I can’t think, Mulligan,” Hamilton complained as the machine whirred.  “Me.”

“Thanks for implyin’ the rest of us are a buncha idiots,” Mulligan said, his back to him as he worked.

“You know what I mean.”

“So you forgot your keys, big deal.  Said you were sleep deprived anyway.  Too much fuckin’ on vacation?”

“Just once.  Wasn’t that.  That didn’t help.”

Mulligan didn’t say anything, waiting patiently for Hamilton to start up again.

“Maybe I am sick,” he finally said, turning his head to the back of the couch and touching his face.  “He said I felt hot.  I get sick every winter anyway, fuck winter.”  He struggled to take out his dry contacts.  “That must be it.”

“Lovesick, maybe.”  The machine stopped and Mulligan inspected his work, looking over just in time to see Hamilton reach over the armrest and drop the contacts to the carpet.  “Oh, come on, I don’t spit on your floor.”

Hamilton left his arm hanging and Mulligan dropped the jacket on top of him.

“Try that when you’re done whining and tell me how it is.”

“‘Kay.”

“You done whining?”

“No.”

“I’m getting a beer.  I’d offer you one, but it’s illegal to give alcohol to children.”

“You’re a jackass.”

Mulligan came back into the room, popping the tab on a can of beer.  “You’re being a baby.”

“I fucking lost my work keys and I can’t get into my apartment!”

“That’s not what you’re really complaining about, Hamilton.  I might not be a hotshot genius like you, but I’m not a moron.  Move your legs over.”  Mulligan sat heavily on the couch next to him.  “You like the guy?”

“Yeah.”  Hamilton’s voice was heavily muffled by the couch cushions.

“You like him a lot?”

“Yeah.”

“Things get a little too real spending that much time with him?”

Hamilton paused.  “Yeah.”

Mulligan patted his leg.  “Suck it up,” he said sympathetically.

2) CVS (First, this is the start of the islands/ocean theme. Second, look at these boys, this is back before they’re all over each other, that hand on the shoulder was Intimate.  Someday I’ll also go through and pull things to show the progression of their sleeping habits.)

Laurens pulled him down, running his thumb over his high cheekbones and then his fingers through his hair.  “You’re gonna get wrinkles,” he teased, “you’ll turn gray.”

“I’d be a silver fox,” Hamilton replied.  “All the girls’ll be lining up at my door.”

“‘Girls’?”

“Yeah, I banned you after you made fun of my hair.” Hamilton rolled away from Laurens onto his back.  “It’s like a sauna in the city at this time of year.  I’m melting.”

“I thought you’d be used to it.”

“Trade winds.”  Hamilton waved one hand dismissively in the air above his face.  “And not all of this cement for the heat to just bake you in.”

Laurens propped himself up on his elbow, watching Hamilton’s face.

“I bet winter was a surprise.”

“Ha.  Yeah.  I stepped off that plane and—d’you know what, John?  I saw autumn leaves for the first time in my life.  Squirrels.  CVS, for chrissake.  All this shit that I had this image of in my mind because of course I knew about it, I’d seen it everywhere, and that’s the thing, isn’t it?  No one in New York cares if I went to Gore’s of St. Croix, but I’ve got CVS already engrained somewhere in me and it’s beautiful, the flow of power.  Soft power, John, recognize our maps and naturalize our flora and fauna and without even realizing it your center of balance is off.”

Laurens was quiet and Hamilton tucked his hands behind his head.

“You know what?”

“What?”

“You’re right, four hours isn’t enough.  I don’t know what I’m talking about.”

“That’s not true.”

Hamilton closed his eyes.  Laurens waited for a minute to see if he would say anything else, then lay down once he heard his breathing slow, putting one hand on his shoulder in spite of the heat.

3) Inappropriate sick flirting (Okay this isn’t like a CLASSY option or anything, but I crack myself up every time with Hamilton’s attempt to deflect-by-flirting here and I’m a sucker for sickfic, so.  Shrug.)

Laurens, like Lafayette, woke before his alarm.  He had gotten up late that night to take his headphones off and close his laptop, and then alternated between dozing and playing on his phone for a few hours, not willing to wake Hamilton if he was so soundly asleep.  It wasn’t until he heard the second coughing fit that he got up and pulled on a pair of pants.

“Alex?”  He knocked on the bathroom door.  “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”  He sounded a little strangled.

“Are you sick?”

Hamilton started coughing again.  “I’m fine,” he repeated after a minute.

“Alex, come back to bed.  Do you need something to drink?”

“I have water.”  Laurens could hear him put the mug down on the side of the sink for emphasis.  “And my laptop.  I’m fine.  Go back to sleep.  I don’t want to keep you up.”

“I’m awake now.”  Laurens tried the handle but it was locked.

“I don’t want to make you—”  Hamilton cut himself off, clearing his throat and taking a drink.

“I thought you said you weren’t sick.”

“Said I was fine.”

Laurens sighed.  “Look, if I’m going to get sick the damage is already done.  I have to go in an hour.  Just come back out.  I feel weird talking to you through a door.”

There was a pause, then Hamilton opened the door and stepped out, all false-casualness in sweatpants and a pullover, taking a sip from a university mug.  “Hey, J.  You’re up, I’m up.  What’re the odds.  Wanna fuck?”

Laurens gave him an incredulous look.  “No.”

4) Masculinity (Would you believe I wrote all this shit about gender before thinking critically about gender in my own life?  Like, jeez, it’s one of Hamilton’s main recurring issues and the one I always identified with the most.  Anyway, it was a toss up between this and the argument he has with Laurens at the end of the chapter, but it’s the same deal really.)

“What did I say wrong?”  Lafayette asked.  “I didn’t mean anything bad.  I was teased a lot too, you know, but I’m happy for the two of you.  I like being in a relationship like that.  The closeness, the cuddling…”

“Yeah,” Hamilton said sharply and more directly than he meant to, “‘cause you’re not being treated like the freakin’ girl!”

Lafayette looked at him in surprise and Hamilton, embarrassed, turned away.

“Shit,” he said, walking towards the platform.  “Don’t tell him I said that.  I didn’t mean it like that.”

“John doesn’t think of you as a girl.”

“I know that.”

“Well, if you know that…”

Hamilton didn’t say anything.

“Do you think other people see you that way?”

“Fuck other people.  How should I know what they think?”

“You would make a very bad girl,” Lafayette said.

“Shut up.”

“I don’t think anyone sees it like that except for you.  John certainly doesn’t.”

“I know—look, fine,” Hamilton said, accepting that he was just going to be that annoying guy having a fight on the subway.  He dug a quarter out of his pocket and tossed it into a street performer’s open guitar case to try and balance his karma out.  “So he doesn’t, great.  I feel bad, okay?  I know he doesn’t—I like when—It’s just the way other people react sometimes.  Like I’m…”  Hamilton paused, gesturing helplessly as he tried to find the words.  “…Less than him.  Like with his friends, I liked that on the whole, it was great, I’m glad he had a good time and they were chill.  But there were a couple moments where it was like they were almost making fun of me.”

“They teased me, too,” Lafayette protested.

“Bully for you.”  Hamilton saw Lafayette’s hand twitch towards his pocket and he sighed.  “Go ahead, write that one down.  It’s dated, that’s probably why you haven’t heard it yet.”

Lafayette tucked the box under his arm then took out his notebook and copied the phrase out.

“I know it’s stupid,” Hamilton said, making an effort to lower his voice.  “It shouldn’t matter.  There’s nothing ‘feminine’ about it and even if there was, that’s not a bad thing.  But it’s weird, okay, and I don’t like it.  It’s not about being with him,” he went on after a pause in which they both waited as the train loudly pulled up.  “I just hate being made to feel like less of a man for it.”

Lafayette cocked his head to the side, considering this.  They got into a car and took hold of a pole near the door.

“Fucking bullshit heteronormativity,” Hamilton complained as the car pulled away, taking a step to the side for balance.  “Gender doesn’t function in a void, Lafayette.  In a perfect world none of this would matter and also I’d live in an apartment that didn’t leak heat during the winter.”

Neither of them said anything as the car rattled along to its next stop.

“You know what’s extra bullshit,” Hamilton started up again as the train stopped.  “I fucked him today.  I should be the one getting all the accolades.  Instead it’s just, oh, look at the little guy, he’s so cute.  Bullshit,” he muttered again, tugging his scarf down.  “Doesn’t always bother me,” he added.  “I dunno, I know you didn’t mean anything by it.  Wasn’t even the tone.  I don’t know.”

“I think you’re very masculine.”

“Thanks.”  Hamilton still sounded sullen.

5) Out (Is it weird to say that I consider this part “a classic”?  This is the thing that got me by far the most amount of comments and, I mean, Laurens earned it.)

“God damn,” Humphreys complained, freshly dressed and sitting next to Laurens on the bench between the rows of lockers and working at a knot in his neck.  He tipped his head to the side so that fine braids slid like a curtain over his hand.  “Don’t get me wrong, Laurens, I don’t want to blow my shoulder out, but you don’t even know how much shit I would have gotten into if I had gotten a month and a half off.”

“Dirty shit,” Tench laughed.  “Go back to your farm, find some of those sheep?”

“Shut up,” Humphreys said, laughing as well.  “That was a business plan.”

“Yeah, the oldest business in the world.  Sam, catch.”  Another player walking by caught his wallet without missing a beat.  “I owe you ten.”  The money was taken and the wallet was tossed back.  Tench dropped it in his bag.

“Anyway, like I was saying, it’s not that I envy you, just those extra six weeks.”

“I hear you,” Tallmadge agreed, coming back from the shower in just a towel.  “It’s hard to visit my girlfriend during the week.  It takes so long to drive down, it’s really only possible on the weekend, but then, okay, so we can’t fool around as much as I’d like.  Not that I’m actually ready for the monastery like our boy Laurens,” he teased, shoving Laurens playfully as he opened his locker.  “How’re you holding up?  I’d have assumed you just weren’t interested if I hadn’t had to listen to you for all these years.”

“Sainthood’s a real lonely road,” Tench added.

“Hey, come on,” Laurens protested, not really thinking about what he was saying, “My boyfriend’s all over me too, I know what it’s like.”

There was actually a moment of stunned silence in the locker room during which time Laurens braced for—

“You aren’t single?  Hey, look, it only took five years!  That means there’s still hope for you yet,” Tallmadge said loudly, slapping a passing first year, the younger of the two Trumbull brothers, hard on the back.  “If you bitch about not getting a date one more time, I’m not stopping your older brother from whaling on you.”

Laurens watched in relieved surprise as various conversations picked back up around him.

“That explains why you haven’t gotten any personal fouls so far this season,” Tench teased him.

“So can we know who it is yet?  Or is it still a secret?”  Tallmadge dropped his towel to change, facing his locker.  “I want to know who tamed the stallion.”

“‘The stallion’?”  Humphreys was packing his bag.  “Oh, come on, and I’m stuck with the sheep?”

“You wrote that paper, you brought this upon yourself,” McHenry said, breaking away from his earlier conversation and pushing up his glasses.  “So who’s the lucky gent?  I’m with Tallmadge, he deserves a Goddamn medal for finally wearing you down.”

“Alex,” Laurens started, caught between embarrassed and incredibly grateful.  “Alexander Hamilton.”

“Hamilton…  The guy with you at the trustee dinner?  Short,” Tench said, gesturing his height.  “Wavy hair?  We went to André’s after.”

“That guy?”  McHenry cut in.  He tugged at the collar to his shirt and glanced down at himself, feeling the tag sticking out in the front.  “Shit.”  His voice was muffled for a second as he pulled it off over his head, flashing well-defined abs and two faint scars curving under his chest, then put it back on.  “He works for the dean, doesn’t he?”

“Secretary to the president,” Laurens said, tentatively bragging a little.

“I thought he was with your roommate?”

“André’s his friend, he said that was just a rumor.”

“Obviously,” Tench rolled his eyes at Tallmadge.  “Know-it-all.”

“Hey, André,” Humphreys called as André, also in a towel and with his hair wet and down in his eyes, showed up.  “Did you know Laurens’ been holding out on us?”

“Uh.”  André looked quickly at Laurens, who stood up.

“All right, all right, that’s enough.”

“So how is it?”  Tench asked, ignoring Laurens’ protests.  “Does he just want it all the time?”

“What?”

“You said he was all over you,” Tench pushed.  “Did you have to give up your rule?”

Laurens reddened slightly.  “No.”

“What?  So, nothing?  Not at all?”

“All season?”  Tallmadge asked.  “I take it back, he’s the saint, not you.”

“Wait, you did fuck though, didn’t you?  You were together at the dinner, right?”

Laurens, still standing, not sure what was really stopping him from just walking away, felt an excited rush of camaraderie.  “Yeah, we were, and we did.  The night before,” he added before he managed to second guess himself and lose his nerve, “I fucked him so good he cried.”

Another shocked silence, then a delighted whoop of laughter.

“That’s our boy!”  Tallmadge pounded Laurens on the back as he grinned, simultaneously self-conscious and proud.

“Damn,” Humphreys shook his head.  “And here I thought we were going to need to give you a talk about the birds and the bees before you graduated and got sent out into the real world.”

“Maybe we still do,” Tench said.  “Laurens, let me make this brief: you’re a moron.”

Laurens frowned, unsure.  “What?”

“You said it yourself, he’s all over you.  Go take advantage of that opportunity, man!  You’ve waited long enough.”

“I had sex in high school,” Laurens protested weakly.

“Yeah, you know, you told some of us that story,” McHenry pointed out, “and while it sounded like a real great time, half a decade has passed in between.”

“He’s pretty cute,” Tallmadge agreed as Laurens stared at him in disbelief.  “Long eyelashes.”

“Since…  Since when do you check out other guys?”

“Relax, please, I sat next to him in lecture once.  I remember because they friggin’ cast shadows on his face.”

“Uh-huh,” Laurens said, not sure at all about what to do with that.

“You do want to sleep with him, don’t you?”  McHenry asked.  “This isn’t another basil farm incident, is it?”

Laurens looked over at André, who studied the ceiling.

“No, uh,” Laurens said eloquently.  “The sex is—it’s good.  I enjoy it.”

“Then go fuck your boyfriend,” Tench told him, a little louder than Laurens would have preferred.  “Seriously, Laurens!  Did you hit your head when you ripped your shoulder out of its socket?  He wants to, you want to, that grand tradition you thought you were holding to is a bunch of bullshit—no one actually does it.  If you’re so concerned about your stamina then don’t sleep with him the night before the game!  Jesus!”

“His girlfriend’s on study abroad,” André reminded Laurens, nodding his head at Tench.

“Right.”

“Lucky son of a bitch,” Tench muttered, zipping up his bag forcefully and slinging it over his shoulders as he stood.  “Right, I’m starving.  You getting breakfast, Laurens?”

Laurens smiled.  “Sure.  Sounds good.”

#this is like a sampler or some shit #revolutionary fuckboys