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silentfangirlwritings · 3 years

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04 - lilac skies

while revisiting their spot, exes are confronted by old feelings and reflect their relationship.

pairing: unnamed (zion kuwonu x reader) (same as 01, 02 & 03) [you would only have to read 01 & 03 to read this part if you wish]

word count: 4.4k

~~~

her return had been long-awaited. her car, despite sitting undriven for close to three years, felt familiar to the asphalt and the trees called to her. the elements around these parts had missed her presence and welcomed her home with open arms.

she’d been putting off this outing since she returned to her hometown. it was the first place she’d written on her list when she started planning her trip home and the last place she was going to. she’d been pushing it off and it got to the point her mom told her to swallow her pain and go. she was leaving in four days, it was time.

she’d woken up early that day and laid in bed for three hours doing nothing. she’d stared at her phone and then at a book and for a while, she stared at the wall. her brain had been stuck on a loop since the elevator ride with him.

she shouldn’t have kissed him. she shouldn’t have even spoken to him. one look at that handsome boy with blond dreads and those glass-like eyes and she was done for. it was like every feeling that she’d ever had towards him came flooding back in during those 20 something floors.

for so long, she’d only felt pain when she remembered those years she’d spent attached to his hip. it was difficult to remember the good times when the pain he’d caused was still so fresh. she liked to think she was over it, occasionally lying to those around her saying she barely thought of him or that she was okay with what had happened. the good memories, though they outnumbered the bad ones by thousands, rarely came to mind.

this field outside the city had been the best place in the world for them. running off to come here whenever they wanted to be alone was her favourite thing. they’d just sit and lie around for hours on end, talking about nothing and everything. being able to kiss someone whenever you pleased was the best feeling. everything about this place was the best. he was the best.

now sitting in her car, staring at the gate, she remembered one of the last times she’d been here with him. it would’ve been around the same time she was here now, the sun was beginning to set. the sky was on a journey of its own, she wished hers was as beautifully.

stepping out of the car, she took a deep breath. a blue memory glowed in her head and pulled at her heartstrings. she pulled her jacket tighter around her torso and took two steps forward and one back and into the past.

she could see her younger self dancing around the field as she trudged forward to the picnic table. the joyous voices of two young and in love kids blowing by in the wind. her hands pushed deeper into her pockets, her fingertips tingling at the ghost of a memory. she didn’t want to feel it right now, that warm and safe feeling from him. she needed peace and it wouldn’t come from the memory of him.

she knew this was the way things would be. stepping into a place filled with memories meant her body would relive those sensations that used to be so special. closing her eyes would’ve meant he’d be right there beside her, but as that younger kid, he once was. on one side, the 15-year-old kid she fell in love with and on the other, the 17-year-old boy who broke her heart.

she stopped a few steps short of the picnic table. she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. she didn’t know what she was going to feel when she opened her eyes. some of the best moments of her teenage years had happened right in front of her. some of the saddest too.

she could almost hear their voices. the tearful conversations that were tattooed white on her heart. they all happened at this table. the first time she told him she loved him through tears, the first time he told her she was his entire world, irreplaceable in his heart. she’d live there forever, he’d smiled as tears fell down his cheeks, even some 2700 miles away.

the first thing she saw when she opened her eyes was his boyish scribble on the flaking paint of the old table. the ink had withstood the harsh weather and nature’s elements with beauty. it felt like a stab to the chest. he’d broken her heart without a second thought yet the promise he’d made to her was still as strong as the day he first wrote it.

‘it doesn’t matter where life takes you, i’ll go wherever you are.’

“what a load of bullshit.”

she shook her head and moved to sit down on top of the picnic table. there was no use staring at his written words, they were forever engraved in her. that promise had kept her heart safe and her mind at ease for a fair amount of time. now, they were just an ugly ghost of a love that didn’t get the chance it deserved.

she crossed her legs under her and held herself tight. she closed her eyes again and took a deep breath. the air hadn’t changed its smell over the years. neither had the sounds of the wind in the trees. everything, in one way or another, was basically the same. nature doesn’t change a lot in 5 years.

when she opened her eyes, she could see them dancing across the field with their hands thrown up in the air. there was joy in every step they took and the biggest smiles on their faces. she giggled, couldn’t help herself.

she’d forgotten a lot of the innocence their time together held. the joy they experienced, the love they shared, it was unprecedented and new. there had never been anything quite like it and that on its own was a beautiful thing. but to think about the years they spent together as friends, best friends, it made it the most beautiful thing in the world.

they knew each other better than any other living person. the things that walked hand-in-hand with one another, the ugly and the blindly beautiful were accepted for what they were, not what they could be. that was one of the things she loved the most about him. he loved her for what she was, not who she could be, not who she was now.

she loved him the same way. she was sure of it. he had great potential, yes, but he was beautiful and worthy of love as he was when he was hers. he was so funny and filled with kindness. and his smile; nothing was quite like that smile. the way he looked at her, the way he touched her, the way he made her feel like she was the most beautiful being in the world were just bonuses. she would’ve happily accepted his love with less.

maybe she shouldn’t have.

she sighed to herself and checked her watch. it had only been ten minutes and she already wanted to leave. the sky hadn’t even changed colours yet, it was still a mix between orange and red. she’d sort of hoped to stay until the sun had set, or she’d been pressured to. her mom had told her it was the right thing to do.

“you used to be there from the moment you woke up ‘till just before curfew. it’ll do you good to be there at the same time.”

she didn’t really want to be there until her old curfew so she compromised and lied to her mom about it. there were a few food places she still had to check off her list whilst she was here. she could really go for some chips from cherry’s diner. she still hadn’t had anything like them in all those years she spent away.

over her shoulder, she saw the two of them laying on the grass next to one another. they were looking at the sky and talking with their hands joined. she was wearing one of his hoodies and he wore the plaited string bracelet she’d made over one weekend. she’d left it to the side but the second he saw it, he asked to have it. he hadn’t taken it off for a period longer than a shower throughout the duration of their relationship.

she hadn’t thought of that in years.

“i cannot wait to leave home.”

his voice echoed and sent chills up her spine. her giggle floated towards her and she watched on as she shook her head.

“there is so much time between then and now, slow down.”

he sat up and brought her hand to his lips. he kissed her knuckles delicately and leant over her body.

“just think of all the things we could do if we had a place to ourselves. privacy.”

she laughed and rolled her eyes. he wiggled his eyebrows at her and planted a sweet kiss on her plump lips.

“we have privacy and a place to ourselves.”

she spread her arms wide and he looked around.

“we’ve created our own little world. think of all the things we could do right here.”

he slipped his arm under her body and pulled her up a little into him.

“oh trust me, i am.”

she laughed and he kissed her. he shifted his body so he was fully on top of her and laid her back down, their lips never leaving another. she really loved the sound their lips made each time they touched. she never wanted to stop hearing it. but it was starting to hurt watching it all happen again.

she turned her head and blinked away the tears that were manifesting in her ducts. she stood up from the table and moved to the grass. she sat down, her hands brushing over the thin blades and laid back.

her eyes scrunched at the sky’s bright colours. it was beautiful but blinding. a lot of things were. it hurt to stare but there were times when it was just too hard to pull away from. you can’t just take a step back from it or look away for even a second because you could miss the best part. or it could all be over. everything happens too quickly. it’s so easy to miss everything.

it was so easy to miss him.

she let her mind run in circles as she directed her attention to the sky. the reds and oranges were beginning to turn to pinks and would soon enough come to an array of purples.

they used to do this a lot. she’d lay and watch the sky during its most beautiful times and he’d sit next to her. he often had his guitar, a pen and paper. she liked to hear him sing and the light strum of his guitar. she was thoughtless in those moments, completely at peace.

“these are the moments i’ll miss most.”

she’d said to him one night not long after his first trip to new york.

“we still don’t know if i’m going, you might never have to miss ‘em.”

he paused his strumming for a moment just to pick right back up, neither of them looking at one another. they were still struggling with the idea of what it meant if he was chosen. they didn’t want to know either.

“i’ll always miss these moments.”

he’d stopped his strumming again and stared at her. he always felt like she knew something he didn’t. half the time, she didn’t know what she knew either. she just got that gut feeling and never doubted it.

she took a deep breath and looked around at the purple hues that were starting to invade the pink sky. she loved this change from pink to purple. nothing could beat it on an evening like this. the sky was clear, not a cloud in sight. it was a warm night too. it was so close to perfect, especially with the strumming of a guitar playing somewhere off in the distance of her mind. or at least she thought it was her mind. it only took the melody to change to something she’d never heard to have her sitting up.

she followed the sound and turned to the hillside. why she hadn’t gone there when she first arrived, she had no idea. it used to be her favourite place to go. you could see the whole city from there, it was what dreams were made of.

she stopped when she saw him. he was sitting there with a small light attached to a notepad and his guitar. he had a pen in his mouth and he was nodding his head as he strummed. she hadn’t seen him this way in years and somehow, it still made her heart happy.

against better judgement, she crossed her arms over her chest and kept walking towards him. she stopped and sat down a metre or so away from him, slightly up the hillside. she hugged her legs to her chest and closed her eyes. the melodies he strummed and hummed washed over her like fairy dust.

“you’ve gotten better.”

she didn’t know she was going to speak until the words came out. she wasn’t even sure why she sat down or talked to him. being around him was hard. it was just so easy to talk to him and once she said one thing, she was saying another and then she was kissing him. it had always happened that way. it happened only a few days prior and she was still stuck thinking about his lips and the way he made her feel.

“practice makes perfect.”

she opened her eyes as he spoke and looked at him. he didn’t turn to look at her, just kept his eyes on the city. there was one simple reason he wouldn’t turn to look at her. he wasn’t sure if she was actually there or not.

“did you think about that elevator ride that started all this the other day?”

if they were going to be here together, they were going to walk down memory lane. she needed to talk to someone and get that gross feeling of him out of her. for some reason, the only thing her brain could think would get it out of him was talking to him. they were the only two people who knew what happened. he was the only person she could talk to about it.

he didn’t look at her again, or say anything. but she knew he was listening. he had that look and he’d stopped playing his guitar to twirl one of his blond dreads.

“it was too good for us to begin and end a relationship in the same setting. you’re a songwriter, a musician, and i’m a poet at heart. we had to meet one last time.”

“i made up my mind when you walked out of that elevator.”

he still didn’t turn to face her but he put his guitar down beside him. she watched him closely, waiting for him to say something more. to clarify what he meant because she had no idea. she wanted him to say he gives up, that he knows he’s not in love with her or confused about his feelings. she wanted him to admit that he’d made a mistake and that seeing her again had simply thrown him off.

“are you going to tell me or is it a surprise for another night?”

she was nervous in his silence.

“we’re not over. i’m not done with you.”

she stared at him and shook her head. he still wasn’t looking at her but maybe that was okay. she was a mix between angry and annoyed.

“you can’t decide something like that. you’re not done with me but i’m done with you.”

he turned to face her now, his eyebrows knitted together and his bottom lip jutted out. he looked tense but scared. calm but angry. he looked like two different people forced into one. stuck between a rock and a hard place.

“if you were done with me, you wouldn’t be here.”

she shook her head. no, that wasn’t true.

“i-i, no.”

she stuttered over her words. an honest and true response had left her mind. instead, all she could think about was what this place meant to her. she was sure, more than sure, that a place that was once theirs could mean something to her without it being about him.

“this place was ours. we spent hours here, we used to lay right here and make-”

“stop.”

“i’m here because it is the one place in this entire city that is just ours. every blade of grass, every leaf on those trees, every colour in the evening sky, it is yours. it is ours. i want to think about you and us, so i’m here. you can’t lie to me and say you’re not here to think about us. you still care about me. you’re not over me.”

she stared at him for a moment or two before laying back on the hill. she stared at the lilac sky and covered her face with her hands. he made her head so foggy she couldn’t think. she couldn’t even defend herself because he made everything not make sense.

“you’re so frustrating.”

she stood up as she spoke, shaking her head as she walked a few steps down the hill.

“it’s been almost five years and you still can’t seem to wrap your head around the fact that i have my own ideas. my own feelings. i can treasure the memories i have with you and i can come back to the place that was ours one last time before i leave without it meaning that i’m stuck on you or still in love with you.”

she took a deep breath and crossed her arms over her chest. she didn’t know she was talking so fast until she stopped. she looked down at him and stared for as long as she could without that sob escaping her.

“i told you that i don’t love you, that i can’t love you. i kissed you and i told you that i felt nothing. i said goodbye to you and now, i’m saying goodbye to this place.”

“you keep saying goodbye, what does goodbye mean?”

he stood up and threw his arms out. he was hurting, she could see it. but she had to be honest. she couldn’t lie to him.

“i’m leaving.”

two simple words put together that turned him around. but they meant nothing. they’d both left this city long ago and neither of them had plans of moving back. the one thing she’d decided on that he hadn’t was their return.

“we’ve both already left.”

“i’m leaving and not coming back, zion.”

he perked up at the sound of his name coming from her mouth, but his heart dropped at the same time. if they don’t have this city in common, they have nothing. no friends, no food places, no roads, nothing.

“w-what?”

he stuttered and stepped forward, closer to her.

“i’ve bought a home.”

she smiled as she spoke, that heartbreaking smile. she was so happy, so, so happy. but she was hurting too.

“it’s only a small cottage but it’s enough for me. mom and dad are excited about visiting, they understand why i can’t keep coming back here. they understand.”

he stood there in front of her shaking his head with his mouth agape. there was nothing he could think to say that mattered. he knew there wasn’t anything he could say that would make her not want to cut this place off completely. he also knew he had no business asking why she was doing this or where she was moving to. she hadn’t been his business for a very long time but that didn’t stop it from hurting so damn much.

she’d been living in europe since she’d graduated school. her plan was always to stay in canada for schooling and then move across the world but obviously, things had changed. the one good thing about them sharing a home town was that there was always a chance they’d run into each other. sure, they’d gone four almost five long years without that occurring, but the chance was always there.

and now it wasn’t going to be. she had no plans to come back. she was saying goodbye to everything and everyone. he finally realised why she’d risked seeing him at their friend’s party and he was starting to think she’d stepped into that elevator on purpose. she always did love closure. maybe it was the poet in her.

“you’re leaving.”

he spoke sadly like the world was ending, and she felt it in her heart, in her chest. his feelings always affected her. she hated just how connected they were. it made everything so much harder and she hated that. she hated everything about this whole situation, everything about him.

“you should know better than anyone that this was always going to happen.”

she smiled weakly at him and looked around. her hands pushed up her arms and she held herself tight. if he could stop staring at her so damn hard, maybe she’d feel okay.

“i just always thought it’d be with me.”

she shook her head and closed her eyes.

with me. his words echoed in her head. over and over again. with me, with him. the two of them together in harmony. that was the life they always dreamed of. she had left it behind when he’d split her heart in two but it was clear he hadn’t.

“do you honestly think my life starts and ends with you?”

a single tear fell down her cheek but she was quick to wipe it away.

“i-i, i don’t mean it like that.”

“no you say that but everything else that has come out of your mouth truly makes me believe that you think i eat, sleep and breathe you.”

she looked at him for a few moments before turning around to start walking back up the hill. she didn’t think he had anything more to say and she was fine with that. she didn’t want the last memory she’d have at their place to be an argument with him but it was seemingly going that way.

“i know you’re leaving this place because of me.”

he had followed her a few steps and when she turned around to face him, they were barely a foot apart. she was angry now.

“you know that that’s not true.”

she shook her head and held her hands up.

“you were the one good thing i had about this place. the one thing.”

she poked at his chest and raised her voice. he hadn’t seen her like this, well, ever. she wasn’t just angry. this wasn’t her angry. the worst part was, this was the most he’d seen her upset about what happened between them. about what he did to her.

“you were the only thing that was good about this city. everyone else was just someone who didn’t matter or would only matter until the end of high school, though of course, i was thinking it would be university at the time. no one mattered to me more than you and every time i’ve come back here-”

she paused to swallow the frog in her throat. it was getting hard to speak and her eyes were watering. but she was brave and met his sweet honey eyes. that would help her. it always did.

“every time i’ve come back here, i’ve been flooded with good memories of you. of us. you’re not the reason i’m leaving. if anything, you’re the reason i kept coming back long after i was finished here.”

a tear split from his right eye and she almost reached up to wipe it away. why were they so damn connected?

“why now?”

he shook his head as his voice cracked. he needed to know. nothing about her was his business but yet he needed to know everything.

“i think you already know.”

with that, she turned on her heel and walked back up the hill. he didn’t follow her, just watched her walk away. it hurt to see her leave but he didn’t have anything to say and she didn’t either. he walked back down the hill and sat down next to his guitar. he waited all of four minutes before he yelled into the empty air. it was dark out now and his light was dimming. he turned it off, it was dying anyway.

her name glowed in the moonlight. bright and warm and a perfect excuse for him to smile. but he didn’t want to smile. she was leaving. that was all that mattered. she was leaving and there was nothing else he could do or think about. he’d ruined every chance he’d ever had with her.

her car door closing interrupted the still air. her car was much warmer than the air outside but it somehow still managed to raise the hairs on the back of her neck and the goosebumps up and down her arms. she didn’t say anything or think anything. she barely even breathed.

all she did was put her car in reverse and leave. she went five minutes, driving down the roads she knew so well before the tears began to stream down her face. her bottom lip trembled and whimpers she tried to suppress slipped out.

turning into the cherry diners parking lot felt like coming home. she found her park and took the time to dry her tears. her mind was still a mess. thoughts were incomplete, stumped and all about him.

she hated it. she hated it more because there was no one she could talk to about it. there was no one she could call, no one she could see face-to-face. everything that had happened with him had been a secret. she could never tell anyone, she didn’t want to tell anyone.

she’d never wished so hard to have someone who understood. she wanted someone who knew what he thought and what he felt and why to talk to. scrolling through her contacts, she found the one person she thought might know at least one answer to all the questions she had. hitting the call button was easy.

“i know this is out of the blue and i’m really sorry but i-”

she cut herself off with a deep, shaky breath.

“i just need to talk to someone who knows.”

#zion kuwonu #zion kuwonu x reader #zion kuwonu imagines #my writing #i'd really like it if you guys can give some feedback #no pressure though

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talesofealdancynedom · 3 years

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Second edition of Cadence, in her fairy robes; with Fallow deer familiar Freya. Why have slice of life, when you could have slice of life with terrifying magical deer?

Tale 10: Cadence Bucflowen & Laserline (chapter 1 - Children of Spring 1/4 ) part 2. Stories of Fey

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Cadence was the first prophesized child of the King Mage, who was presently Morgan Cynedom. Cadence had been born when her parents were, perhaps a little too young to start a family, yet she was anticipated and loved all the same. Morgan and Emilia were destined to have four children; Which they would love with all their hearts. There was to be one child for each quadrant of the table of fours. Because Morgan was the King Mage, he was like a human brother of the Beast King’s; and the metaphorical King of magic men. Thus, allotting him many unique abilities. One of which, was the Beast King’s considering it an honour to name their only human brother’s children.

When Cadence arrived, she was the child of spring; the first quadrant. Each quadrant had a colour, metal, direction, element, season, and two to three fey kingdoms accosted with it. One Fey King associated with the quadrant the child was born in, was able to give that child a new magic house. The fey say the King Mage has no house, and thus has all of them. His children would be the same if their magic is not properly housed; And humans need houses, blessing from a beast king, to use magic. The Beast King that had the honour of naming Cadence, was the Stag King, who gave her the magic stag house of Bucflowen. Along with a name, as a destined to be a mage, Cadence was given her own Fairy robes; in the stag kingdom style. All mages were given, or inherited, robes made by the Fairy King to protect them from any form of harm. Mages are too important to the balance between the veils, and fey saw them worth protecting.

A year before Cadence was born, Stag Queen Estella came to visit. She was once head paladin of the Grand West, and Morgan’s mentor. Estella was quite fond of Morgan, and visited. The reason she was no longer a mentor, was because Estella Celestine was destined to become the next Stag Queen. When Morgan opened Tiberius Gate, she went to it, and into the shadow veil and became reunited with her true love; The Stag King. It was with much joy, that when Estella came to visit that spring, she had the one and only newborn Dominion Deer by her side. An heir to the Stag Kingdom at last. The main job of the Beast Queens was to be the second parent of their kingdoms fey, represent the union of magic and men, and make royal fey children. The Daminion Deer are the royal half human-half magic children of the stag fey kingdom; something only Estella could provide. The Stag King was desperate for princes and princesses, as Dominion Deer had been whipped out within Estella’s lifetime. Wizards had been hunting them for their warm white fur, and ornate golden crystal antlers; which both genders wore. Just as hos heirs started to disappear from the Ealden Cynedom, his queen vanished. The reunion of the Stag King and Queen, aided by Morgan’s quests, gave him in a special place in Estella’s heart. Therefore, she still loved checking on him.

The day Estella visited Morgan and Emilia, a year before Cadence arrived, was a normal day: some school, some magic, some friends, and some daily life. Estella barely got a word in. She stayed patiently, holding her little stag prince, while the teens argued about their next quest. Eventually, Estella managed to relay the important information that was forgotten, due to the lengthy conversation. Morgan’s new life was full of excitement. Esttela’s words came off as something that seemed unnoteworthy at the time:

“In one year, I will bear the Stag King a second heir. Stag children do not leave their mother’s sides until the next child is born. But, when they go off on their own, they will still be quite young, though they grow quite fast,” Estalla said in her soft voice. the new prince Estella swaddled in her arms would need a home next spring. “The Stag King, my husband, requested that our eldest prince, Laserline, is to dwell on Tiberius Gate. Each King wants one royal heir by your side Morgan. I will bring him to your pastures, on the dawn of the next vernal equinox; when your first child is born.” Estella finished. Under normal circumstances, a magical heads up would be memorable; such as the fact your first born will arrive in a year, regardless of your family planning, and an incredibly valuable fey joining your forest home. Which is exactly why Morgan felt stupid when he found Laserline, a half-grown Dominion Deer, on his gate’s unicorn pasture, a year later. He wanted some fresh air after becoming a dad, but instead was reminded he was magic pawn. When the Stag King came to name Cadence, he failed to mention his own son was eating grass outside the tower. That day, Cadence wasn’t just given a name by the Stag King, but also a childhood fey friend just outside her window.

Cadence grew more beautiful with time. She had long wavy hair as pale as cream, olive eyes like her father, and her mother’s fair complexion. Cadence, as a mage, learned to use magic very early. Her passion was nurtured by her father’s vast collection of magic resources. She could soon run as fast as any fey, and had poise and grace like any stag king’s child. The fairy robes Cadence was gifted, were of a white silk dress, cloak, and flats that laced from the ankle to the knee. The protective robes glistened like pale spring. Under her soft appearance, Cadence was quiet and shy; a necessity when dealing with three younger siblings, and social anxiety. Before Cadence was of age for magic school, she had already summoned a white fallow deer familiar; named Freya. Of whom she would ride around their magic forest home of Pepperidge. Cadence was as talented as all the mages of Ealden Cynedom, and one of the most unmistakable children of the tinny town.

But like her siblings, Cadence was beginning to become lost in magic, and turning a bit feral among fey. Cadence was becoming incredibly weary of human children her age; if not all other people. She preferred the fey who did not judge her for good or bad. Cadence’s avoidance of people was not even eased by a public education. She had been raised on Tiberius Gate, where magic was her greatest comfort. But in spite of her feelings about being outside the gate, and meeting people, Cadence was excited to get her school uniform, and study magic at the same school as her parents. She desperately wanted to be a heortmann; magic users who specialize in healing. Cadence even dreamed she might be a healing Meadre mage, like her grandfather, Odysseus. As mentioned, Cadence was sent to the same local academy her parents attended, which by then, could teach and handle young mages. It didn’t only specialize in mages though; it also aimed to aid troubled magic youths and international students. If Pepperidge Academy couldn’t expose Cadence to people, and help her cope with anxiety around them, her parents feared nothing would.

When Cadence finally put on her uniform, for her first day at the new school, she decided to ride Freya to campus all on her own. The school wasn’t that far. But as she stood at the main entrance, a wave of anxiety struck her: ‘what if they hate me? Or I fall in love and do something stupid? What if I stand out, and they judge me because of my parents? What if I underperform in class, when they expect too much of me, as I am a mage? What if I get lonely because my siblings and fey friends aren’t here? What if no one understands? What if I don’t belong?’ Cadence became flustered and panicked. She was a deer in the headlights the entire day; frozen in fear. She didn’t even know how she managed to attended all her classes. Cadence didn’t remember anything about that day. Cadence spoke to no one, did not introduce her self, nor retain anything taught in the introduction lectures.

“how was your first day of magic school?” Her mother asked. Followed by her siblings asking the same thing on repeat. Cadence did not respond, and walked absently up the tower to her room.

“Morgan, you don’t think we may have pushed her too hard, do you?” Emilia asked. Morgan was preparing for a conference.

“If I survived magic school, when I was like that at that age, I’m sure she’ll be ok. One of our kids was bound to inherit my anxiety, and prefer the company of fey over that of people…” Morgan said with a nervous smile. He felt like was reliving a dark period in his life; vicariously through his offspring. Emilia and Morgan would independently check on Cadence later, when she didn’t come downstairs that evening. She had gone to bed early. Which is too say, and Morgan to correctly assume, she stayed up past midnight with unrelenting panic attacks, waiting for the relief of REM that would not come soon enough.

NEXT--->

#art #tales of ealdan cynedom #story 10 #short stories #fantasy #laser #estella #morgan #emilia #freya #cadence

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theboyz-engup · 5 years

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To All The Boyz I’ve Loved Before; Letter Eleven

Summary-

It was wonderful what a few little letters could do; they could make or break a friendship, cause someone to laugh or smile, make someone remember the time of their life or that moment they wanted to forget. Just some words on paper and poof, everyone knew the way your heart beat and workings of your brain. High school really did wonders on you, as did those twelve boys. Maybe they didn’t know it, but they changed your whole life with each smile, each wave, and each word you typed into paper. You made them permanent, and now they had to know why.

Word Count- 9.7k

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Haknyeon was one of the first people to arrive at the hospital after hearing the news. It was a call he’d gotten in the middle of the night, Amalia sounding like glass had shattered and fallen into her throat. Hyunjoon’s call was the next one, clarifying Amalia’s words in a much calmer tone. He didn’t need to explain though. Haknyeon was already half dressed and stumbling down the hall in the dark, fumbling for his shoes. His mother staggered out of her room, nightgown on and eyes squinted as she tried to focus on you. Her voice was barely audible.

“What’s going on?”

It wasn’t enough to explain. In truth, Haknyeon didn’t know how. He was breathless already and he’d not even seen you. All he knew was that he had to be there. For you, he’d go anywhere. You hadn’t the slightest clue much you meant to him and he’d hardly begun to tell you. Once again, he didn’t know how.

Luckily, his mother wasn’t one for holding him back. The news gripped her as well and she quickly disappeared to her room, coming back out with a pair of shorts and a tank top. Looking entirely awake now, she told him to go ahead and that she’d be right behind him.

She needed to tell his younger sister and, before he could ask why, he heard her say, “she’d want to know. She loves y/n just as much as you do.”

He didn’t think twice about that. Quickly, he turned on his heel and rushed to find a pair of shoes he could wear to drive. A little paper beside his keys caught his eye. Your name was on it too and, when he picked it up, he saw the printing of your typewriter clearer. It didn’t take a second thought for him to pick it up and slip it into his shorts. He figured it didn’t matter what it was, he just wanted to have it with him just in case-

Shaking the thought out of his head, he hurried out of his apartment and clicked for the elevator to come. A second of waiting was too much and so, he ran down the stairs, somehow finding himself in his car, then the hospital. Hyunjoon was waiting there as well, nail in his mouth and head dipped downwards. Under the pale light, he looked like a ghost, pacing back and forth on light steps.

“Joon.”

The name hardly slipped out of his mouth but he was aware. The boy looked like a puppy, one without its owner and entirely lost. It felt off seeing him like this but Hak supposed that’s just what happened in situations as such. Emotions were either heightened or nonexistent. The calm he suddenly felt placed him in the second category. He decided not to panic until he knew what was happening.

“I’ll explain on the way to their room,” his birthday mate promised, “but you have to sign in first.”

Information flowed in one ear and out the other, stories and the like dripping in. All of it seemed to revolve around Sunwoo, as your life usually did. Without knowing it, you placed him as the centre of the universe and, no matter what anyone said, you wouldn’t change it. Haknyeon supposed he was no different. He couldn’t really judge. Hyunjoon seemed to filter the story, pausing and seeming to weave through pieces he didn’t think were important. Hak didn’t have the heart to ask for more though. He didn’t want to know, if he was being honest. All he wanted to know was if you were okay.

That was a question Joon had a harder time answering. Giving pause, he pressed his lips together into a line. The look on his face made Haknyeon frown. He realized just how hard it must’ve been for Joon to relive it all, everything too fresh. Softly, he draped an arm around his friend’s slim body and pulled him in for a hug. Joon always felt eons younger than him despite them being a year apart and he couldn’t believe how careless he was being with someone so fragile. Softly, in his ear, he heard a small sniffle.

“I’m scared, Haknyeon,” Hyunjoon admitted. Despite his usual detached and shy self, Joon felt a lot. He was very sensitive and, deep down, Haknyeon understood. He was right there with him.

“I know,” he murmured, gripping him harder for a moment, “me too.”

In the moment they pulled apart, Joon’s hand hit the paper in Hak’s pocket and he raised his eyebrows. Slowly, he asked, “Y/n gave you one too?”

Hak didn’t notice it was visible but the question caused him to notch his head to the side. Wringing his hands, Joon seemed to shift uncomfortably before suggesting, “I’d read that now, if I were you. Before we’re allowed to see y/n.”

“But- what? Why?”

Hyunjoon seemed to shrink at the question, collapsing in on himself. “I’ll tell you after. It’s just- it’s better to understand.”

Haknyeon, though awake now, was hardly in the mood to argue. Once he’d found a place across from your family and said hello, your mother firmly pressed into your father’s arms while your brother was bent forwards with his thumbs holding his head up, he sat. The sound of paper rustling alerted Haymond and he looked up to see Haknyeon, Juyeon just behind him with some coffees.

Briefly, Haknyeon saw the look he was given. It was one of realization, or understanding, one that held a secret code in it. Even Juyeon seemed to know, the older boy settling in his seat beside his friend, giving him a brief nod.

Already, there were so many people here. Amalia’s bag was strewn on a seat beside Joon, and Haknyeon swore he saw her parents somewhere around. Hyunjoon and his family as well, all very close with her. Juyeon and her brother, her parents, and now even him and his family. Absentmindedly, Haknyeon wondered how many people there would be in the morning. He knew full well he wasn’t the first soul you’ve touched and he wouldn’t be the last one either. You were something else and, in a way, maybe that’s how he got through grade twelve. You were there. You always would be.

Unravelling the letter and straightening out crumples, Haknyeon began his read with focus he’d never experienced before.

—————————————————

Dear Ju Haknyeon,

You’ve been one of my closest friends. I feel like I’ve known you forever and yet, it’s only been a couple of months. Thank you for changing my life, for coming into it and showing me that life is more than just the little moments between big problems. It;’s about every moment, second, minute, hour- everything. Every one I’ve spent with you has never been something I’ve regretted.

—————————————————

Late August 2017

Your mother tossed you the car keys from the counter, sun streaming into your home from every angle. The open door faced you with Amalia and Hyunjoon, who were clutching each others hands and grinning deeply, eyes locked on each others. If you tried hard, you could imagine your brother there too, but he’d left a week early for his college orientation. It was weird, helping him move out and not seeing it all the time, but you supposed you’d eventually get used to it. Life as a senior was supposed to balance out all the loss you had, or so you heard.

“Ready?” Your mother’s hand came to rest on the small of your back, eyes drifting between you and the two outside. You figured she was thinking your brain was elsewhere instead of on your brother. The compassion she surfaced in her eyes confirmed it.

“You’ll see Sunwoo soon, you know.” Comfort was kneaded within her words but you didn’t particularly need it. Not now, at least, when you found yourself feeling like you were back in control of your life.

“I know,” you mirrored, softness remaining in your tone before you stepped out. “Thanks for letting me practice driving, by the way.”

Your mother shrugged, trying to be nonchalant as she walked out into the driveway. Amalia and Hyunjoon followed you both to the car, paying more attention to your conversation than their previous one. At least they attempted to not be gushy around others.

“Better you do it with me in the car than your father,” your mother chimed, unlatching her car door.

“Make sure they don’t kill us, Mrs. y/l/n,” Amalia said jokingly, settling into the car. From your mirror, you caught her pointing a finger at you. “It’s on them if this pretty face gets scratched.”

Hyunjoon just snorted, holding back a little joke you know he wanted to make. Your mother gave you a side-eyed look, amusement on her lips. In that moment, you realized just how much you missed Sunwoo. He would always be the one to make a loud joke, something that would make Amalia’s mouth drop and hand smack against his chest. Still, giggles would drift up into the air. Without him, it sometimes felt a bit stale, and you were never one to take his spot.

The car ride was steady and you found yourself less and less anxious to make turns. You hadn’t been driving alone, you weren’t allowed by permit rules, but you had begun to prepare for your next license. It was exciting and you smiled at the thought, happy to have another sort of freedom. Your mother hardly made any comments, which meant she was either being polite because your friends were in the car, or you weren’t doing anything wrong. For a small moment, you felt proud. Even as you rolled up the hill to where the house party was being thrown, confidence fused with your bones.

Getting to the house was another story. It was gated off and took a moment for you to get inside. When you pulled up through the driveway, you caught the white and gold tints of the house, a stark contrast to the deep greens of the forests growing around it. Still, everything looked very well tended to, with hedges formed like soldiers along the road ahead of you. Driving past them, you slowed to a stop behind a line of cars and turned nervously to your friends in the back.

Joon’s neck craned a bit so his eyes saw more, taking in the whole sight before pressing his lips together in a slight pout. Amalia was leaning over his shoulder, trying to catch a glimpse from his side before leaning between your seat and your mother’s.

“Excuse my language, Mrs. y/l/n, but holy fuck, that’s a big house.”

Your mother, caught by surprise, raised her eyebrows for a moment before chuckling and nodding. “You’re telling me.”

“Who even lives here?” The question came out as more of a whisper than normal and Amalia stumbled on her words.

“I- I don’t even know? The invite was sent out to all of us from someone at S.T.A.Y. Academy so, I guess one of them?” Her eyes wandered all around before she settled back in her seat.

“Makes me realize how poor I really am,” Hyunjoon joked, and you pursed your lips together. He was one of the few of you that lived in an apartment and you wondered if this intimidated him. It sure as hell intimidated you.

Silence drifted between the four of you before Amalia chirped, “well, let’s just have fun and forget about it. It’s a pool party so let’s just soak up the sun.”

“And take nice pictures,” Joon added, squinting his eyes a bit and looking around.

Giving your mother a side glance, you clicked the car off and gave her the keys. “I guess that’s us then.”

Softly, you took your gear from your car, sporting a bathing suit underneath a long, black shirt. The shorts you wore were your bathing suit so you still felt rather cute walking in, trailing behind Amalia and Hyunjoon. They went hand in hand, of course. Typically, you’d be happy about the fact that they were displaying their relationship. They spent a while thinking they had to hide, or felt like they should on account of you and Sunwoo, but now they were bright. You watched as they walked around and smiled, both of them popular enough to say hello to multiple people you’d never seen before.

Feeling silly, you let them go on ahead of you. It was childish to walk in their shadow almost, like a second thought they had to introduce to people you felt were unattainable. Even so, popularity was something you envied. You were somewhere in between, where people knew and didn’t know you, but that was mostly because of association. First, it was Amalia, then Hyunjoon and Sunwoo. You were their friend and everyone knew you as such but, without them, you felt like you didn’t even exist to the outside world.

Drifting around, you found yourself exploring the house- well, mansion, more like. You’d never seen anything like it, but the amount of white was definitely dangerous. It felt almost clinical, with barren walls and very few paintings and pictures. Still, everything felt expensive. You didn’t even know if you could touch it, though you did save a vase from being knocked over by two football boys playing inside the house.

Someone you recognized followed them, clicking their tongue and snatching at their ball.

“Seungmin, it’s not that big of a deal,” one of the larger boys said, trying to keep it out of the boy’s reach.

Still, all he had to do was extend his hand and the football got dropped in it. Shaking his head, he grumbled, “knocking down Nana’s ashes,” and hustled by in front of you. The sight almost made you laugh.

“Thank you, by the way,” he decided to mention, fixing his eyes on you. There was a lot of warmth in them, like a pool of melted chocolate begging you to fall in. His eyes scrunched up a bit with a smile from below.

“N- no, I mean, I’m sure anyone else would’ve done the same.”

He shrugged, moving the football around in his hands for a moment before handing it to you. “Maybe. Here’s a gift, I guess.”

You were sure you looked dumb, standing there with a football in your hand, a sport you weren’t very fond of. Still, you snickered a bit, leaning on the wall behind you for a bit of comfort. His smile grew with yours and, for a brief moment, you wondered what it would’ve been like to have gone to his school, and get to know him. What a different life you would’ve had, and maybe it would’ve been better. You would’ve made less mistakes, or perhaps more. For that split second, you wondered what it would be like to change it all and get to know the boy with the sweet smile.

His farewell was enough to change your mind, but you still held onto the ball. It would be a nice reminder of one good thing, you decided. Even if it was the only good thing to happen tonight.

Travelling up the stairs and throughout the hallways, you felt like you were just drifting through time. It didn’t feel particularly real, and there was nothing to ground you down to reality. Your friends were down below, as were a bunch of other people you didn’t know. For a brief moment, you could just float carelessly and think of anything and anyone, closing your eyes to imagine them right there. It came as a surprise that your first thought was of Eric and not your boyfriend.

Biting down on your lips, you flicked your eyes open again to be faced with tan walls and crystals hanging from the ceiling. With a slight sigh, you walked back out to the stairs and leaned against the railing which overlooked most of the living room. There were all these people here, happy and smiling and laughing, pretending like everything was okay for just a few hours. You wondered why you couldn’t do the same; why it seemed like every bad thing was just crawling up your neck, begging for your attention.

You hadn’t really sorted things out with Eric and, truly, it felt like you never would. Obviously, you tried to talk but distance didn’t particularly help. Being friends so far away never did suit you, feelings and the like festering in the times you were apart, only to explode when you saw each other. Frustratingly enough, distance could be covered. Trains, cars, busses: they all existed. You could’ve taken one right now if you wanted to, just to go and talk to him and settle things properly. Problem was, you didn’t know how to fix it. You were still in a relationship. You were still in love and he was an obstacle.

An obstacle that was very hard to pass without even giving it some thought.

That idea made you exhale deeply, pressing your forearms into the wood of the railing while you pressed your weight back on your heels. It was too much to think about and trying made a throbbing in your head appear. Selfishly, you wanted your boyfriend to be back with you. You wanted your best friend back, with all his feelings erased until you were ready to deal with them. Most of all, you just wanted to be happy again.

Deciding you needed something to drink, you got up from your position and swiftly tried to leave. Though, maybe you should’ve looked where you were going.

You were met with a thud and liquid spilling all down your front, the crunch of cheap plastic right between the feelings. Stumbling back, you curved inwards, cramping your stomach to make the damp shirt you had on not touch your skin.

“Shit, I’m so sorry.” The boy’s voice was soft but filled with panic, feet taking steps forward before taking them back. Lastly, a small clump of tissues were beneath your chin.

Locking eyes with him, you stopped in your spot and shook your head. “No, that’s my fault, I wasn’t looking.”

He urged the tissues closer to you, trying to get you to dab off the alcohol on your shirt. With a small smile, you accepted them graciously and began to work at the spot, dabbing softly.

“I wasn’t either, though. Still my fault too,” he tried to reason, coming forward a bit. You supposed it was fine, the spill. You were wearing a black shirt so there wasn’t much to complain about in terms of a stain. Though, when you removed the napkins from your shirt, you found an orange and pink tint to the liquid.

“What were you drinking?”

A bit of embarrassment showed on his cheeks and he pressed his lips together, looking a bit shy. “It’s like a mango, pink grapefruit, and orange juice thing.”

Snorting a bit, a smile settled itself on your lips. “Not big on alcohol, huh?”

He shook his head, lips mouthing the word ‘no’ and drawing it forward. He was a comfortable distance apart, arm leaning lightly on the railing you were just on. You mused, saying you were the same but then found that you felt a bit shy. He seemed to radiate sunshine, a walking figure with happiness folded into his skin. You weren’t one for first impressions but his was stellar, serenity dripping off of him.

His smile faltered and he apologized once more, bashfulness taking over his previous demeanour. “I feel bad about your shirt. You’re one of the only people I know here now and it’s all because I wasn’t watching where I was going.”

You shrugged, hoping to talk him down. “I can always just clean it off in the pool. It’s fine, don’t worry.”

Music pulsated between you two and you paused before offering, “you can join, if you want. You’re one of the only people I know here too. U- unless, you want to be alone or something.”

“We can be alone together.”

The sentence was smooth but hopeful. The way he perked up made you feel a bit more confident. For some reason, it was easy to be comfortable around him. The football you had rested quietly in the bag that slung off your shoulder and bounced around as you descended the stairs.

“I’m Haknyeon, by the way,” he chimed as the music grew louder. His hand dared to come forward before he quickly snapped it back beside him.

Smiling lightly, you extended your hand at the bottom of the stairs, face to face with his clear skin and plump cheeks. “I’m y/n.”

It was surprising to you how easy it seemed to talk to someone you hardly knew. After diving in, shirt and all, the two of you proceeded to wade around the masses of people making out and doing other ridiculous things. You pulled Haknyeon out of the way, tugging him toward you to shift him out of the way from someone doing a canon-ball just in his spot. The lack of space between you wasn’t uncomfortable, though. There was a lack of tension and only a wave of panic that drifted from his eyes to yours.

Then, there were the giggles. Many and many laughs that spilled from your mouth to his and back. It was nice and freeing, realizing just how simple it was to be yourself around someone who held no judgement in his eyes. Not a bone in his body was malicious and you were happy for it.

He dipped his head halfway into the water, eyes and ears just above the surface as he listened to you murmur softly about Sunwoo, though you left him nameless in your conversations. Most of it was confused, seeing as even you didn’t know where you were going with it, but it felt good to talk to someone who wasn’t trying to fix your problems.

“I don’t know, I guess there’s distance already. It feels weird because all this space between us is like real? It’s actually there? I can’t just reach out and touch him anymore and, yeah, I can call him but it’s like he’s… I don’t know.”

“I feel like I don’t know what’s worse,” Hak started, thinking of a slow comment, “physical distance or mental distance; like being with someone but they’re not really present in the conversation.”

“I think the first,” you mumbled, bubbling up water with you as you dipped lower, “because they can’t even be there if they want to.”

“But don’t you think it’s more sad that they don’t want to be present in the second option?” The look he gave you seemed to drown out your surroundings for a brief second. It felt like there was more to his story there and you bit your cheek, giving him a nod.

“I guess so,” you landed on, dropping your gaze down to the ever shifting surface. It was a bright blue pool, reflective of the sky and all the floaties atop it. Pink doughnuts and pepperoni pizzas drifted lazily across it and you decided to flip the conversation by grabbing his attention.

“Hey,” you started with a grin, instantly shifting your mood, “race you to the floaties. Whoever gets on one first wins.”

This seemed to pique his interest. “Win what?”

This, you had to think about for a moment before humming, “free dinner?”

“Anything I want?”

The boldness of his statement made you laugh, happiness spreading up your cheeks. “Are you that sure you’re going to win?”

“For food, I’ll do anything,” he mused, placing a hand over his heart dramatically and tilting his head up to the sky, “it’s my one true love.”

“Then you better catch up,” you chuckled before diving right under and swimming away. His yell could be heard from underwater, a hand tugging at your ankle and pulling you backwards as he waded past you.

Getting up, liquid dripping from your face and hair like a waterfall, you screeched and tried your best to catch up. Both of you tried every tactic ever, flipping the others floatie over or getting on the others back and bringing them under with you, laughing the whole way through. The pool was shallow enough that both of you could stand comfortably well so you weren’t at the least bit worried. In fact, this was some of the most fun you’d had in such a long time.

Haknyeon, of course, beat you because he tossed the other free floatie behind him, making it difficult to get to. Still, you weren’t upset about it. He lay in the doughnut, head against the plastic and facing the sun. When you squinted to focus on him, he looked so content to just be alive. You hoped your face told the same story as you lay all the way back on your pizza and faced the sun as well.

—————————————————

It was just one afternoon but I thought about that party a lot. It felt like a turning point for me, as if I was on the incline in a sine function. You told me that, actually; that life was like a sine function and it went up and down in waves. Whenever there’s a bad, there’s always going to be a good. I held onto that whenever I was feeling bad, dotting all my time with you as good. I’m convinced our meeting was the start of one of my inclines.

—————————————————

Early September 2017

Your father drove you to the testing station, where you were meant to wait a few minutes before your driving instructor came out and criticized every single thing you did while driving. It was to be your last lesson, your test to see if you passed and could drive without supervision. You were excited but mostly nervous, hands gripping your phone tightly in an attempt to release pent up energy.

With a hand between your shoulder blades, your father led you to the front door before stopping. His boots scuffed against the ground and he paused before awkwardly giving you a smile.

“Good luck, yeah?”

You nodded, silence filling the air along with stale wind and a few lost leaves. Eyes downcast, you fiddled a bit with your clothes, trying your best to get comfortable. Leaving you with a small hug, your father waved goodbye and said he’d be back to get you from the station if you failed. That was encouraging.

Fumbling for words, noticing his error, you just simply shook your head and walked inside, giving him a little wave. There were a few papers you had to fill out at the front desk and, as you looked around, you found no empty seats. There were bags on some but nobody moved to take them off. Except, with some shuffling behind you, you turned to find a familiar face.

Haknyeon gave you a small hello before quickly grasping his bag and fitting it between his legs beneath his chair. He had a thin turtleneck on, probably to counteract the unexpectedly cool weather you were having, with a white button up on top. His jeans seemed slightly out of place but, then again, you couldn’t deny he looked good. Maybe he always did.

Reaching him, you said a polite thank you and sat down happily, glad to see a familiar face. Rather than giving you stress, his presence really seemed to calm you, as did the tenderness in his gaze.

Lightly, you began scribbling in the papers, filling in the information you knew first. Haknyeon seemed to respect the silence, not saying a word or making you feel uncomfortable. You had stuff to do, he had something to look at on his phone: it was fine. Once you finished, you murmured hello again and watched him transform back into that boy you met two weekends ago.

“I didn’t know you didn’t have you license yet,” you hummed, gesturing to his papers. They were placed upside down so you couldn’t make out much but you assumed.

“O-oh, no, I have my second permit already. I’m actually here to be fully licensed,” he explained, smiling shyly. His voice was quiet, probably due to the very low chatter around the room. There was a greyness to the place and it was very clinical, everyone too nervous or scared to say much to each other.

In all honesty, you hated it the more you payed attention to it, but Haknyeon’s light orange shirt brightened up the room, as did his clear skin and innocent smile. The holes pressed into his cheeks by the corners of his mouth made you wonder how someone got to be so soft and still such a presence, someone you couldn’t take your eyes off of.

“Lucky,” you grumbled, trying to be somewhat engaging, “I’m only at the second step. Need to wait a year before getting to where you are.”

This made him chuckle. “I’m ahead of you in all games, huh? First the floaties and now this? I think I deserve a second meal.”

“Hey, what?” It was meant to come off strong but instead, you just wanted to laugh at him. He was clearly teasing, being rather open to you. “We didn’t know each other when we got our licenses, it wasn’t a race.”

“Not for you, I guess,” he sighed, stretching his legs forward to put his black boots on display, “but future us knew each other and that Haknyeon told me, when I was younger, that I’d have to get ahead of the game if I wanted to beat you at everything.”

“Right, I see,” you drawled, nodding with a silly smile on your lips. His matched yours almost perfectly, something like stars dipping low into his eyes.

“Future you just doesn’t like you as much.”

“Or they do,” you decided, flipping the table on him, “maybe all these meals will end up being good or something.”

Softness filled his voice at the moment and he sounded almost vulnerable. It was there for a few moments, just two words, but it was enough to make you wonder what else lay behind his exterior.

“Think so?”

Deciding to be sweet, something you usually decided against, you nodded. His fingers finished playing with the ends of his papers. The look on his face was grateful, though you couldn’t figure out why. Still, it made you glad that you could make someone feel this way.

A beat of silence passed between you in which names were called for their driving test. You anticipated your name but heard no such thing and fell back into your seat. It was hard picking between wanting the event to be over and staying a little longer to talk to Haknyeon. It seemed the universe had other plans though, making you stay in your seat for much longer than expected.

“I forgot to ask earlier,” you started, finishing your scan of the room before turning back to Hak, “but what school are you going to? It must be kind of weird being a new student as a senior.”

At the mention of your school name, you perked up. “Really? I go there.”

“I know,” he said lightly before quickly backtracking, panicking a bit as he said, “I mean like I saw you in the hallways once.”

The story seemed to check out considering how small the senior classes were and that they were concentrated to one part of the building. Nodding, you paused for a moment.

“Why didn’t you come say hi?”

He shrugged, looking slightly demure in his seat. His lips sucked into the left side of his mouth. “You were with other people, I didn’t want to impose. Plus, I heard that a member of your group left to be an idol and I didn’t want to be viewed as a replacement or something.”

That surprised you. With your eyebrows arching up, you murmured, “who would say that?”

“Just people,” he said lightly, finishing with, “a lot of people kind of talk about how incomplete your friend group is without Sunwoo. That’s also how I knew we went to the same school.”

“People gossip about us?” A pout came upon your lips again, one you were unaware of as you sat back in your seat. “What would they even have to say?”

“Just regular stuff, I guess. Who’s who and all that. I mean, I asked about you guys because I was curious,” he admitted, looking a bit meek as he said so, nervous chuckle on his lips, “I just got who you guys were and then some background.”

You couldn’t really blame him. You’d done the same to many people and, from the way he was talking, he wasn’t necessarily proud of himself for it. He just wanted to know, and he was a new kid in a school filled with so many characters. Honestly, you still asked Amalia for information on people you hardly knew.

Deciding to shrug it off, you turned a corner in the conversation and crooned, “well, if you’re ever looking to confirm any rumours, you can always come say hi. My homeroom is on the third floor, section two.”

Brightly, Haknyeon’s smile returned to wipe the nervousness from his lips. “I’ll definitely come visit then.”

There seemed to be a lot of pauses in conversation, though none were uncomfortable. Silence didn’t shake you when you were around him and you preferred the spots to listen for your names. When they didn’t come, Haknyeon was the one to start up again.

“How’s the whole boyfriend situation, by the way? You seemed pretty upset last time.”

It was your turn to play around with the edges of your forms, a little grin appearing on your lips as you informed, “we’re good, I think. He’s home now, so we’re going to see each other after this and then next weekend, I’m going to him. Gotta take the train but, yeah. I’m excited.”

“Train?” Hakneyon seemed to pick up at this. “Are you going the last weekend of September?”

“Yeah, the weekend of the 30th,” you explained, giving him a nod as you leaned forward in your seat. Head positioned to the side, you brought your hands up to rest your chin in your palms, hoping this would be more comfortable for the moment.

“Oh, me too! Except I’m leaving on the 29th, the Friday after school and stuff.”

Gaping a bit, you added, “me too. We should go together then, if we’re going the same way.”

This seemed to give him pause, like he wanted to suggest the same thing but was worried. Luckily, you never really stopped yourself from saying whatever you wanted when you were this comfortable with someone. Plus, it was a two-hour trip, it’d be nice to have someone to spend your time with.

“Sure, yeah. We can save gas and the environment and stuff by carpooling.”

“I’ll wait at my class for you then,” you decided, knowing your overnight bag wouldn’t be too big to carry around for a day or so. This made Haknyeon nod, mouth opening to say something more but getting stopped by the calling of his name. You watched him struggle before you motioned him forward, telling him to go.

“Pass the test so you can actually drive me,” you mused, joking a little. Getting up swiftly, he nodded. With a wave and a promise to do well, you watched him hurry to the other side of the room where they were meeting their instructors.

One more time before he left the building, he glanced your way. A thumbs up was all you could give him. You watched as it put a bit of a hop in his step.

————————————————

It was funny how agreeable we both were with each other. It almost seemed like we were just two halves that were made to fit. I now know that’s not true. You and I butt heads a lot, have a lot of different opinions, but that doesn’t make us upset or mad at each other. I think that’s what I like about you most. We are just us around each other, judgement free and happy to be with someone who doesn’t make us feel bad for things we can’t control.

————————————————

Late September 2017

Haknyeon was positioned outside of your classroom, back against the doorframe and head down, fixated on his phone. You figured it was that wooden game he was so fond of, the one that looked like tetris. You watched him play for hours once instead of studying for a chemistry test he had coming up, and he wouldn’t even stop when you asked him about it.

Smiling from your seat, you leaned back a bit to have a clearer view before settling back into your seat. Amalia watched you, back pressed against the wall behind her and curly hair floating up and outside the open window. She had her eyes narrowed when you turned to face her and you pouted.

“What?”

She threw her hands up, shoulders coming higher to meet her neck but never reaching. “Nothing, I didn’t say anything.”

“But you’re thinking it,” you countered, now fixing her with a curious look. She just sighed a bit before caving, back curling forward.

“I don’t know, it’s just like- do you like him? Is that why you’re hanging out with him a lot?”

The thought had never even crossed your mind. Liked him? As in interested in him? Now that you had the idea in your head, you could perhaps imagine him kissing you but it wasn’t something you were particularly inclined to do. No, you couldn’t see anyone’s lips on yours anymore. The ones you wanted were a two-hour ride away, ones you were going to meet later on today.

“No, of course not,” you chirped, closing your books and placing them in your bag. You made sure to leave all the heavy stuff in your laptop, taking pictures of the textbook pages you needed so you could do your homework at Sunwoo’s with the least amount of baggage.

“Then why?”

“Probably because they want to be his friend, Mal,” Joon said softly from ahead of you. You watched as he doodled in his notebook, spaceships and other otherworldly drawings coating the pages. He didn’t even look up, though you weren’t sure if he could even see you from the overhanging fringe of his hair.

You nodded. “I’m just being normal, you know; and don’t bring up the free dinner, that was a bet we made so it would’ve gone either way.”

“Except you never win,” Joon chuckled, shooting you a little giggle over the top of his book. He was too far for you to reach but you gave his notebook a little smack and watched him fumble, trying to catch it.

“Plus, I thought you guys liked him,” you added, suddenly worried. The clock on the wall showed that it was almost the end of the day, which meant almost the end of study period. Both you and Hak wanted to be out of there as soon as possible, hoping to miss the traffic in the school parking lots.

“I do,” Hyunjoon chimed, giving you a positive smile, “we have the same birthday and eat the same foods. We’re even going to get dessert together soon after our physics test.

“Explain to me again why you’re taking physics when you’re going into dance?” Amalia asked, turning to face him. The boy shrugged, looking innocent as ever as he met her gaze.

“Wanted something fun to do.”

Her eyes narrowed, mouth dropping open as she muttered, “you make no sense to me sometimes.”

“You like me like that,” he crooned, sickeningly sweet. You pretended to gag, knowing they were going to go for a kiss soon and wanting desperately to escape it.

Picking up your bag from the floor, you pleaded, “wait for me to leave first, okay?”

“Yes, sir,” Hyunjoon laughed, pulling away and back to his position. His legs stretched forward onto the seat beside him and he sighed happily, “if only Jace could skip last period every day.”

“He basically already does,” Amalia said all matter-of-fact, as if she wasn’t worried about him in the slightest. She’d brought her eyes down to the floor though, and her elbow slipped from the desk.

Wanting to continue the conversation but not knowing how considering the time, you proceeded to drop it. You’d talk in the group chat later on tonight, it would be fine. For now, you had to dash to make it out on time. Looking up for your teacher, who was nowhere to be seen, you turned to your friends and asked them to cover for you. It was only a few minutes before the end of the day but you wanted to be safe. Mal gave you a thumbs up while Joon waved a light goodbye and you hurried out, pausing at your door to elbow Haknyeon in the side.

“Want to grab lunch before we leave?”

Haknyeon considered this carefully for a millisecond before nodding. “You’re paying.”

You scoffed, getting a head start down the hallway while asking, “and why’s that?”

“It’s the equivalent to gas money,” he chirped, the laugh he had bubbling deep within his chest. The way his cheeks bunched up when he smiled made you feel safe and you snorted.

“No lunch then.”

“Hey!” he called after you, mouth filling with reasons why they should definitely grab a snack on the way. You listened fairly, finding yourself more and more excited as time passed. It was only going to be a few hours until you saw your boyfriend again, and everything in between was going to be time well spent with someone you found you liked a lot more as days passed.

The rumbling of the train was the only indication that you were passing over ground. Looking out the window, you felt like you were floating as you passed over a bridge that carried the train over water. If you glanced down, you were sure you’d be afraid of plummeting to your death but, for the moment, you were happy to gaze out and focus on all the beauty the world had to give you.

Sunlight began streaming orange as time passed, gold becoming crimson over hours. Haknyeon and you had a quick meal before leaving and you thought that was to be the end of your time together. Yet, he was going into the city too, in your direction, so he suggested sitting together.

“My ticket’s for another car but yours seems empty. I’m sure I can just sit with you,” he assured you, fitting the little slip into the pocket of his pants. He opted out of his jeans today and was dressed in pressed, beige slacks with a grey long sleeve he claimed was his favourite. He made you feel it multiple times, every time he remembered what it felt like himself.

You let him tag along, glad for the company. It felt nice being able to sit with someone in complete silence for thirty minutes, or staggering conversation all the way through. Now, there wasn’t a word passed between you. Both of you stared out the window incredulous, gaping at how beautiful it looked before you finished passing over the bridge.

Hak took out his phone too late, groaning as the train swiftly disappeared into a clearing where trees far off blocked the view of the sun. You didn’t want to laugh at him but it came out nonetheless. It was funny, though you didn’t get a picture either. You wondered how many times Sunwoo had seen that sunset and how many times it made him think of you. For some reason, he occupied every thought of yours.

Facing Haknyeon again, you brought your knees up to your chest and wrapped your arms around them. Your shoes were off so you wouldn’t get dirt on the seat and you wondered if you looked as comfortable as you felt in an oversized turtleneck and a pair of loose fitting jeans. Following you, Haknyeon also brought his legs up but instead, crossed them. It was a tight space but he let his knees rest on the arm rest and allowed his gaze to wander.

“Tell me something I don’t know,” you suggested lightly, “doesn’t have to be anything deep or anything, just something.”

Haknyeon shrugged, sun hitting his face in such a way that marble would better be described as his skin. His eyes seemed to trace the skyline before he revealing, “I dated someone once and went through the same thing you are now, except it was mental distance and not like ‘lives in a different city’ kind of stuff.”

Him saying that wasn’t completely out of left wing but you were surprised to hear him open up about his past. He usually skirted around that stuff, despite trying his best to be open. You were sure it was just because he didn’t know you well enough. Deep down, you were glad to think he felt comfortable enough to tell you about his background.

His nose shifted around like a rabbit’s would before he focused on you. Fingers finding each others, he fit his hands into small cups and rested them on his lap.

“That’s why you said that at the pool party,” you thought aloud, resting your chin on your knees as best as you could. He nodded.

“I mean, it sucked but moving away made it easier for me to get over. Out of sight, out of mind, and all those lies.” He laughed but it was a bit stale, as if he was trying to force himself to be happy.

“It’s okay to be upset about it, you know,” you affirmed, not knowing how else to comfort him other than with your words, “I know I would be too. I don’t know what I’ll do if Sunwoo and I break up.”

This was greeted with a shake of his head, eyebrows furling just a bit as he decided what he wanted to say. Chewing on his words for a beat, he began, “I don’t think I have a right to wallow and stuff. It was just a bad relationship and I get to move forward now, meet better people, start a new life. It’s nice.

“I mean, yeah, it’s not fun that I moved in my senior year and I don’t have a lot of friends here yet, but I’ve still got my family. My grandma. Friends who’ll come visit me. I have a lot to be grateful for,” he finished softly, nodding as his line of sight shifted away from you once more. His hands parted for a moment before fixing against each other like they do in prayer.

The rumbling of the train seemed to dim down as he spoke until all you could hear was him. Haknyeon, the boy with all the smiles, definitely had the personality to back it up. You wondered how many bad things he could go through with that, and how much he wanted to give up in bad times. You knew you did, so many times you wanted to just throw in the towel and cry and act like you were the victim but, seeing him like this made you want to be better. If someone so wonderful could befriend you and see the light in you, it was the least you could do to try and be a better person.

Words were lost on your lips, all you could do was give him a light smile. You watched as he swallowed his own speech, taking everything he said to heart. Maybe hearing it aloud made it real again, like a new form of motivation.

Lightly, he hummed again, “I’m glad I met you, you know. It’s been kind of weird and lonely but I’m glad I made at least one friend.”

“Wh- why me though?” The question couldn’t help but be stuttered out, slight surprise coating your features. The look on your face made him chuckle, laugh smoothing out into a brilliant smile.

“Because now I get to remember grade twelve happier than I would have if I never did- meet you, that is.”

Something about his constant need to correct his words made you smile, or maybe it was the sentiment behind his words. Feeling heat on your cheeks from bashfulness, you looked away out to the window again.

The sun was dipping lower, making pink skies with cotton candy clouds. It felt perfect for the way your heart felt: gossamer and ready to float wherever the wind took it. You would gladly get lost in this sky, quite sure you were in the incline of your life. Life couldn’t get better, not when you had amazing friends and a boyfriend so perfect waiting for you at the train station.

When pulling in, you shot Sunwoo a text saying you’d arrived, which he already knew. You could see him on the platform, walking up and down a bit to see if he could see you in the windows. He was walking the opposite direction but it was no matter.

Giddy, you rushed to grab your things, grasping Haknyeon as well.

“Come meet my boyfriend before you leave,” you chimed, knowing it was a risk but he felt trustworthy, “it’s kind of a secret around home but I want you to know.”

Haknyeon nodded, sure to say yes as he shouldered his own bag. You watched him ready himself but still, he looked excited as well. You were glad as you rushed down the steps of your train car and landed on the platform.

Releasing Haknyeon’s jacket, you dropped your bag alongside him and set off at a run, weaving through people and calling Sunwoo’s name as you did so. The brown haired boy turned around, confused for a moment before grinning wide as ever. The hug he enveloped you in was large and strong, enough for you to remember winter nights where he lay between your legs and dozed off the sleep, clutching you all along.

Desperately, you wanted to kiss him, to show just how much you missed him but the public space you were in decided against it. You couldn’t risk his reputation so you simply slid until your feet hit the floor again and pulled away, grinning all the while. When you eyes locked, it was like you’d never spent any time apart. It was so easy to see why you were still in love with him when he looked like that, an angel without a halo. His hair dipped into his eyes, in desperate need of a cut but you wouldn’t mention it. Not now, when all you wanted to do was stare, be in his arms, make yourself remember every good thing about him like the way he smelled- god, what you wouldn’t do to have him around you all the time.

Rushed footsteps came up behind you, closer than the other din and more important, just as Sunwoo wanted to say something. You watched him ready himself with something to say to make your little meeting look natural and not full of charge and non-friendly affection. His sweater covered fingers attempted to reach up, to come to your face but you both decided against it, focusing on the boy rushing up to the pair of you.

“Y/n, you dropped your bag,” Haknyeon huffed as he came closer pausing just a few paces behind you and wheezing a bit. He looked so flustered, words spilling as he breathed, “you can't just run off like that, I nearly lost you.”

With a small giggle, you murmured an apology as you approached, picking up your bag and shouldering it. Your hand fell lightly on Haknyeon’s shoulder as you turned to Sunwoo with a beam. His lips seemed a bit threatened though, not knowing where to rest on his cheeks before fixing up again.

“Sunwoo, this is my friend, Haknyeon. We met at the pool party, remember? I told you about it,” you rambled, finding happiness loosened your tongue. Haknyeon gave him a little nod, trying hard to hide the shock on his face but you knew how he felt. That was how most people felt when they found out the two of you were dating.

Sunwoo did the same, bowing the same amount before fixing his eyes on you once more. You couldn’t decide what was different about his gaze but there was a coolness in it. Was it jealousy?

Haknyeon tried his best to be friendly but there was a slight iciness to Sunwoo and you were confused by it. Quickly, Haknyeon dismissed himself, saying he had to hurry home. A hug he usually would’ve given you was lost as he left and you were rather disappointed in the both of them, though you supposed Hak was just trying to diffuse the situation. Still, if only Sunwoo knew, you thought, biting down on your lip as you waved your friend off.

Turning to Sunwoo, who picked up the strings of a conversation he wanted to have, you felt like you’d turned the corner of a ride. You were on the brink of getting pushed over the edge, where a great fall was about to happen. Your incline was great, yes, but maybe your decline would be scary. Maybe you wouldn’t know the person that walked beside you by the end of it, the one whose personality was nipped at by jealousy.

Mulling over it, you figured you’d talk about it later tonight. Arguments weren’t made for the public anyways.

——————————————

You see, Haknyeon, you are a source of happiness for me and everyone else. I can’t tell you how much Hyunjoon raves about you, happy he gets to spend time with someone who really gets him. Amalia came around and you both have your own outings, which she won’t tell me much about. All she’ll say is that she’s happy to have you in our friend group. If I’m being honest, so am I. You’ve been with me through the good, the bad, the shitty midterms this year and everything in between. You’ve been a real light and I’m glad I’m able to give you even a little of that.

Thank you for coming into my life, for making me realize it’ll always get better. It even got better for me and Sunwoo and you two are hanging out now, just downstairs with the rest of our friends. We’re opening presents for Christmas. Sorry I didn’t finish this until now but I guess I’ve been busy creating memories that are going to make senior year my best year. Let’s make those together, okay?

From y/n y/l/n. On December 23rd, 2017.

——————————————

“I- I don’t get it,” Haknyeon murmured, looking down at the finished letter before glancing up at Hyunjoon. The boy simply shrugged, coming over to sit closer.

“Y/n said they never meant for the letters to get out. Even they don’t get it.”

Haknyeon tried to figure out something to say but there was nothing more he could think of. All he wanted to say really was to you. He just wanted to talk to you, to let you know the impact you had on people's lives, at the very least his.

Amalia came over to his other side and placed her hand lightly over his. She always seemed to know what everyone was thinking. “You’ll get to talk to y/n soon. We just have to be patient, okay?”

“Guardians here for a y/n y/l/n?” The nurse's voice was just loud enough to stretch throughout the area, a waiting room which felt plagued with sadness.

Multiple people got up, Haymond and Juyeon on one side while Haknyeon, Hyunjoon, and Amalia took their stance as well. Your parents were the last to go, mother seemingly weak as she stood. The nurse gave everyone a look over before murmuring something softly.

Your mother made a noise, a brief piercing one before dipping into your father’s side. Haknyeon was too far to hear the verdict but was filled in quickly. Your father grasped your mother’s hand unknowingly and swallowed. The tension nearly killed Haknyeon.

“They’re out of surgery and everything’s okay,” he said, to which a collective exhale was given. Haymond seemed shaky then, daring to speak up first.

“But?”

Haknyeon supposed he knew his father better than anyone else. At this, your mother curled further into his chest and turned her face from everyone.

With a breathlessness to him, your father murmured, “they haven’t been able to wake up from sedation yet, which is past normal awakening time. They’re saying it’s because of trauma and, in all likeliness, y/n will be up within a few days.”

“But there’s no knowing with medically induced comas,” Juyeon murmured aloud, a comment which nobody needed. He realized it himself, taking a seat back down and staring at the floor.

“We should take turns visiting them then,” Amalia decided, trying to be level headed. Haknyeon watched the way her hands shook, and the way Hyunjoon grasped them to make them stop.

“You guys go first,” Haknyeon added, motioning to her parents. Haymond nodded, following the two out to your room.

The words felt like they fell on deaf ears. Haknyeon knew what had been said, and he processed it well enough but, also, he felt like he didn’t know a thing. Nothing was real in that moment. Not even words on paper that made his heart wring with pain. Happy times he never knew if he was going to get again tried to press at his mind but he wouldn’t let them. At least, not until he saw his mother, whose hug could make anyone cry.

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lupusxdei-a · 4 years

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self para: melodies and desires | greed x pestilence

The pristine whiteness of the leisure salon at Vonpha's palace created a unique trick on the eyes, making the interior seem as though it stretched far and wide ad infinitum, rendering the senses of any creature on the low tiers of the great chain of being useless. Tall, ornate pillars stood at each corner of the interior, a pallid shade of beige that helped the eyes gather some orientation if said eyes chose to wonder about. The window were enormous, their frames woven with a rare material humanity would call gold, though there were thick curtains covering each, thus successfully hiding the world from the visitors inside. The only substance of colour that existed in the salon could be found in what should have been the north side of the salon, where one could find a long and heavy, rectangular wooden table that offered a great variety of fruits, vegetables, meats and drinks, the kinds the Earth would never get to taste. At each far end of the table (one may even consider it the precursor of buffets) stood a ceremoniously-clad servant - at the west end was a once-mortal-turned-demon soul, a man who could not have been older than twenty five or six when he expired on Earth, with locks of pallid honey and eyes as green as pines, his posture uncompromising, body as tense as a bow and arrow ready to shoot at the most whimsical command of the host and his mistress, and with a gaze focused somewhere beyond; at the east end was a female, a banshee, with eyes like endless pools of ink, her distorted face barely hidden away by the wild strands of gossamer-like silver hair; she too possessed the kind of tenseness in her body that did not allow her to make a single movement until it was approved by her mistress.

In the center of the stage, there were two white ottomans, one across the other, the space between them filled with a small table holding a chess board and two glasses filled with mead. On one of the sofas sat Vonpha, Wrath or Vonnie as her friends (and some siblings, those she liked, that is) called her - her long white hair had been brushed back and then clipped with golden jewelry, the shade only matching the one found in her black-and-gold eyes that were focused on the board, and she wore her favourite dress, a profound shade of iris, following the lines of her curves tastefully enough to inspire guilt in anyone who would dare fantasize about the demonarch - and on the other sofa sat Pestilence, in her usual fashion - blonde hair falling wild over her back and shoulder, eyes, like glaciers, watching the demonarch as she waited for her friend's next move, clad in a dress of a far more subtle shade of pale, icy blue. The two had been continuing a game that had been interrupted the last time they played it...about...a decade ago? Perhaps that much time had passed on Earth, but Beyond, time worked differently, didn't it? Pestilence could not calculate how long it had been, and it certainly did not feel long.

A mere moment before Vonpha moved her piece, there was a ritualistic knocking on the heavy, golden-imbued door. After that, there was a dull sound of it opening: in come a pair of guards, heads held high, eyes never meeting the two women, as they announced the unexpected visit of Crown Prince Devorare. "Huh," Vonpha, who had been leaning back against the ottoman's single arm rest, shifted from her position. "My, my. It appears I'll get to introduce the two of you sooner than I'd expected." It had been years upon years since the last War (thus far), and therefore, years since Pestilence had seen Greed for the first time. What had Vonpha told her long before that? My dear Pestilence, you’d be delighted if you met my brother. I know I’ve had the liberty to speak with you as with a closest friend, and I know that I’ve rarely said anything flattering about any one of those spoiled rodents, but, and I’m saying this only because he cannot hear me, if there is anyone who will ever crawl out of whatever pit you throw him in, anyone that will laugh in everyone’s faces, it will be my dearest, younger brother. As she recalled Greed, after the battle, his chest falling and rising heavy with exhilaration and madness, Pestilence felt her heart squeeze tight and then as it let go, ice began to spread throughout her body and spirit - she was excited, she realized, though she promptly pushed the intrusive idea away. How scandalous! What was she supposed to be excited about? He was but a child, and he was a demon, and her world would never mix with his. As the two of them rose, to soon greet the visitor, Pestilence found nervously smoothing down the wrinkles of her skirt.

When she turned around, Pestilence was holding her breath, ears perking to the reverberating click-clacking of his boots against the smooth surface of the flooring. While Pestilence remained frozen, Vonpha moved, of course, freely, walking over to greet her younger brother. "I wasn't expecting you today. Or any time soon."

"I prefer the element of surprise," Greed had responded as he took his older sister's hand and gently pressed it, in the usual tradition of their culture, against his forehead in greeting. When he spoke, the sound of it echoed through even the darkest, farthest corners of Pestilence's mind and she inhaled a silent, long breath. It was, though she was unwilling to accept it, the most beautiful melody she could hope to hear in Hell (or beyond). His voice, much like Devorare himself, dripped like honey and soothed the soul with its idiosyncratic combination of shallow tenderness and piercing depth. There was a sharp contrast, she noted, while observing the two demonarchs from her distance: the Greed she'd seen on the field and today, while emanating with the same overwhelming energy, seemed to be two different people. Today, there was such a boyish playfulness in his intonation, in the way he moved around and away from his sister, the way his body was removed from any idea of tenseness and formality, that Pestilence found herself unable to determine which Greed she preferred. Preferred? Scandalous yet again, a voice in her head told her.

"Well, how splendid because I have a guest I'd like you to formally meet," Vonpha said, turning to guide Greed towards her friend and, seeing that, Pestilence took it as a cue to move towards them, though her legs were not her own. Something else had taken over her body and, without being aware of it, she kept her gaze fixed on Greed, rather than Wrath, as the distance between them closed further. "I know the two of you...know of one another, but, Pestilence, this is my brother." Vonpha said and then looked back at her brother. "Greed, this is Pestilence."

When Greed stepped towards her, Pestilence felt her body tense again, and she swallowed thickly as she offered her hand to the Prince. "Ma'am," his mouth lopsided into a smirk. Instead of greeting her the way all demons of his rank greeted others of a similar position, Greed wrapped his burning hand around hers and brought it up towards his lips, his golden eyes peering into hers, pressing the sweetest, most delicate kiss on her cold knuckles. There was a reflex in her hand, an involuntary twitch right before her skin met his mouth, but when she felt his lukewarm flesh against her hand, Pestilence shuddered while offering the demonarch a short, small curtsy. Finally, she was able to break free from his gaze. She looked down, to the side, and said, "It's a pleasure to finally meet you." Was it though? Now that they were mere inched from one another, his soul undoubtedly, and shamelessly, called onto hers and hers was nearly pulled in; they were like magnets and she struggled to resist the pulling force. She would burn, Pestilence thought, if she gave into him.

"I'm frankly a bit offended," after letting go of her hand, Greed turned to his sister. "I thought I was your favourite brother, and yet I received no invitation to this little party of yours."

Vonpha snorted as she walked over to the table herself to fetch another glass. "I'm otherwise doomed to an existence with all of you. You'll forgive me for wanting to take a breather."

Greed clicked his tongue and walked over to the ottoman - Pestilence could not be sure, but as he brushed his arm against her shoulder, she thought he had done that by no accident, the touch of his body causing her body to break into irrational goosebumps - sitting down where his sister had previously been making herself comfortable. "You know I'm nowhere near as bad as, say, Sloth or Grudge so I'm going to expect an apology, or an actual envelope next time."

Vonpha returned and when she did, Pestilence finally mustered the courage to return to her seat. She noted that Greed had moved his sister's figurine - how he knew which move had been her last was up to gods to comprehend - but she said nothing. The rest of their time together was spent in playful back and forths between the siblings, while the Horseman struggled to focus. She was not a completely useless interlocutor, her pearls of wisdom and comedy well received especially by Greed, though she felt so weightless, so listless in his presence, that, if she ever tried to recall that day in perfect detail, she would fail at it miserably from then on. All that she would end up remembering was the way his eyes lit up with mischief when he laughed, the way his plush lips smirked whenever he was being talked back at, the way his eyes stole secret, intense glances at her, his teasing remarks and the "accidental" brushes of his hand against hers whenever he "accidentally" reached for the food at the same time as she did, and she would relive those moments in her memory, especially late at night before sleep, for the decades to come.

***

The cold but sultry, evening breeze that washed over while she was waiting for her horse to be walked over to her at the gates of Wrath's palace. It was only then, after she had bid adieu to the two demonarchs, when she was alone that she could breathe, that she could appease her heart and soothe the frenzy Greed had ignited in her soul. She filled her lungs to the brim with the wind, bringing her thoughts to a calm, though her peace was short lived. "I used to think the horse was metaphorical." She opened her eyes and looked first at the beautiful dark-eyed animal, and then at Greed standing beside her. It was the first time the two had ever been left alone; however, it was nowhere near as high-strung as Pestilence would expect it to be. She heard a nocturnal bird calling from somewhere, but the sound was silenced out by her drumming heart. For the first time, she gave Greed a genuine smile as she observed him.

“Not entirely,” she replied. When the horse was brought to her, it had, of course, been saddled and ready for her to climb, though she couldn’t move quite yet, that same magnetic pull disabling her from doing a thing at the time.

“She’s beautiful,” Greed said, though his eyes were so stubbornly locked on Pestilence that she was unsure if he had meant the animal, or her.

“She is.” And what did Pestilence mean by that? Her tone mimicked his ambiguity, and it drew a warmer smile, one that lit up the eyes, from Greed.

“You’re leaving too soon,” he said, and when she moved, he moved. She felt the hairs at the back of her neck stand up when he followed behind her, though no sooner did he move in front of her, ready to prop her up on the horse.

She looked down at his hands, then into his eyes, before accepting this chivalrous alternative and allowing her to prop her up, Pestilence straddling her animal with as much elegance and grace as one so intimately and emotionally bewitched as she was could do. “I’ll see you in the battlefront again,” she said while looking down at Greed.

He smirked again, gingerly stroking the side of the horse’s neck. “Perhaps even sooner, Pesty.”

She huffed, the newly-received nickname not one she was going to immediately accept with open arms. “Maybe,” she murmured before prompting the horse, the animal taking her away from Wrath’s residence, though Greed’s eyes, fixed on her back, felt as heavy as the world as further distance was put between them.

#xthievesinthenightx #( — self para: greed x pestilence. )#( — yoona x development. )

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yvaquietdays · 6 years

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unfriending my phone

So the leaves are finally starting to drop off the trees around here, giving me all the autumnal/winter pinterest-your-way-to-Halloween vibrations. Nature has a canny way of living and dying and getting rid of what it doesn’t need, taking time out, taking a rest and putting its feet up while the cold weather sets in. It doesn’t need to tweet about it, or update an instagram story with the caption “Branches are dying off lolz.” Autumn marks the beginning of death and decay, it won’t be long until we start posting pictures of our favourite streets coated in leaves (I’m into it). It’s amazing; so many of us love the colours of the fall but in essence, it is the death of living things that we celebrate, so that everything can start anew next year. That’s reality, and I think that’s beautiful.

Here’s my point. I wish social media would take a break; I wish it would curl up in front of the fire, maybe die off and come back better for everyone next year. I know so many people who now log out of their apps, only to be sent emails from the apps themselves trying to help them “get back online.” This happened to me two weeks ago.

I don’t know whether I was suffering from PMS, or if I’d been sitting around too long, but my anxiety came on through flood gates I’d obviously forgotten to shut, so it took me a little while to realise the frequency had returned and was buzzing underneath everything before I tried to counteract its presence. I’ve realised I find it quite difficult trying to relive just how my anxiety feels in those moments, because everything seems like a big grey, squishy worm that bleeds into each passing minute, floating midair, making the atmosphere dreadful and vehr wormy. So there are no definitive emotions. Just worry, dread, pressure around my brain and the existential worry that I am not enough. What I can recall, though, is that I was on social media so often I must have feared it was going to miss me. I have noticed that in times of my quarter life existentialism, the less I have going on around me, the more I automatically, without thought or intention, find myself immersed balls deep in social media. It takes around an hour of surfing absolute dink before I even realise how deep my balls are in the first place. I scrolled mindlessly, and through that open window of my phone, that little ignorant bitch named anxiety flew in as easily as a mother-fucking pidgeon, and I felt just as bad as that time I accidentally pronounced Pinot Grigio as Pee-not-Gri-guy-O. But alas! What did I do, but continue to swipe my poor little finger, as if it would find some answer, some pick-me-up that would relieve the overwhelming feeling of I-HAVE-FAILED (and believe me, when I ordered a Pee-not-Gri-guy-O to that waitress in the restaraunt I did feel that same sense of existential failure). I couldn’t explain to you or myself what I was looking for, and yet the more I found myself looking the worse I felt.

Let me tell you, that shit is as dangerous and addictive as gambling.

Did you know, Twitter was the first application to develop the pull-to-refresh feature, which was essentially mimicry of a slot machine? It wasn’t long before all the others followed suit (Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat et al); ever wonder why you keep refreshing your pages? Do you hope to see something new? Something more beautiful? Something you’ve been tagged in? What’s the difference between you and the fella in Aspers, feeding in twenty after twenty into the machine, in the hopes that this time, this time, he’ll be rewarded? What about the woman who keeps getting four fifties changed at a time, laying all her chips on the roulette table, and losing it all, only to change more money, because this time, this time, she might win?

It’s not about the money any more. It’s about seeking the reward, the win, the fulfilment, and in social media’s world, validation.

https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2018/may/08/social-media-copies-gambling-methods-to-create-psychological-cravings

So I’ve known for a while the power the internet and social media apps have had over me; all the articles I read in research for my novel really opened my eyes. Sometimes, though, I’m just as good as all the other people on the bus; neck craned, eyes cast downwards, quickly researching Ariana Grande’s insta feed to salivate over her aesthetic, or to see why everyone thought she was responsible for Mac Millers death (hint: she wasn’t). It’s because, just like everyone else, I’m totally addicted to my phone.

Aside: I’m not blaming my bout of anxiety on social media, I’m just noting that it is a huge factor in how I perceive my life.

I use social media as a drug for my restlessness, and I receive sweet fuck all from it. Every time I look, it’s a reminder of how little I’m working, because I’m spending all my time thinking about working and looking at other people succeeding. It integrates this sense of failure, the smallness of my successes look in comparison, to be puney and frail. My lovely living room, amidst the quaint backdrop of my London suburb, looks boring against other artists hanging out in studios and lounging against LA backdrops online. What a failure I am; I’m eating into my savings to pay rent and afford food, I can’t buy that nice contouring set they’re selling to look the part, I’m flogging my clothes on Depop for spare change, I can’t afford flights there, I can’t afford any of this and I’m still chasing this pathetic goal of making money from my art. Every time I leave my parents house, my Dad hugs me and says, “Keep your head up, it’ll happen,” even if I haven’t spent the last two days complaining, even if I’m content, even if I run a bloody half marathon. Everyone’s still aware that she’s still trying, she’s not there yet. It’s really quite easy to lose yourself in those thoughts, it’s easy for me to reel all this off for the sake of a blogpost, but in the end I have to remind myself of the reality.

And that is, I’m fine. I’ve been doing better than I have for a long time. I’m excited, I’m getting motivated, I’m trying, I’m earning, I’m positive about the future. I’m looking after myself.It’s uncertain at times, but life is uncertain. I’m not stepping forward to play the victim in the play of me life. But that’s the kind of outlook I have in hindsight when I haven’t been on my phone all day, because social media does not help my anxiety, or hinder its progress at all. It encourages it. Instagram feeds off of my insecurity and isolation, Twitter feeds off my desire to be all knowing, Facebook creates the illusion that I’m connected when in reality I’m more separated from everyone on there than I’ve ever been.

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2017/may/19/popular-social-media-sites-harm-young-peoples-mental-health

As a generation, we’re so very disenfranchised but we’re all part of this huge market. It feels as though we’re connecting, and don’t get me wrong, social media is great for self expression and identity and openness. But at the end of the day, it’s a business, and we’re it’s blind, salivating customers. It’s a marketplace for everyone to sell themselves, even when they have no goods to offer. We’re advertised products that an algorithm predicted we’d like, we’re told to post daily to reach more followers, but most of them are bots or strangers who won’t look at your page more than once. Everyone follows each other but we don’t support or give like we used to. I get the odd comment on Instagram complimenting me on my “content,” but that “content” is just my life, I don’t plan it, I don’t create it, it just is. When did our lives become fictional?! I’m all about real action, not figurative or hopeful. I’m about judging my relationships on how they are outside of an app, not what’s said inside of it. It’s too easy to lose ourselves in the virtual version of reality, where we can create how we’re seen. That’s the side of social media that I see, in terms of how it reflects back to me; it’s dark and foreboding, it’s void of meaning. And that is why I’ve been logging out. I want to enjoy it when I’m on there, not reminded of every flaw in my makeup. I rarely login in to Facebook now. I allow myself, twice a day, to look at Instagram (my main vice and source of all my first world anguish), and now I’ve been off-line, my desire to browse the app has diminished dramatically. I notice my boredom better than before; It doesn’t hold my attention. I caught myself scrolling half loaded pictures (bad wifi connection) this morning, and realised fifteen seconds in that I wasn’t actually looking at anything, I was swiping, endlessly, but the pictures were blurry and it was only the subconscious idea that something would appear that kept me going. So I put my phone down and finished my poop.

Has anyone else found themselves doing something similar? Has anyone else tried logging out? What kind of an effect did it have on you, on your mental health? What kind of an effect does your active participation on social media have, as a whole, on your mind? Do you feel less connected to the world, or more connected to those around you? Perhaps you have a better relationship with your phone than I do. *shrug*

I know I sound like a real doomsayer with my dark cloak (I’m not really wearing a cloak, but damn I think I’d like to) and and my seemingly pessimistic outlook. It’s not my intention to negate social media’s power to instigate positive change; just look at iWeigh, Help Refugees, Political Jules or Coppafeel. All good people using a Instagram to better spread their message of good health, equality and better body image across all platforms. I also believe the people who have really nailed social media are the heroes, the mums and dads of Facebook and Instagram, using Facebook to share with friends and family. That’s the whole point, and I personally think that we’re missing it as a younger generation. It’s so easy to lose ourselves in a business who’s main priority is traffic across all its apps. It doesn’t care what the traffic is, whether its bad or good, friend or foe, wizard or troll (I’ve been re-reading the Harry Potter books again), only that we’re there and we’re active.

I reckon I really am an old woman at heart; so shoot me. I love my plants and painting, and I dream of living in some log cabin with an art studio, with a huge allotment, my main man and a couple of dergs, Bob Ross style. I love making music and getting on stage and performing, I love acting and I love media and I love galleries, I adore bookshops, beaches, forests. The whole, soppy whack. So what? I’m a romantic.

(That’s the only cool old lady gif I could find)^^^

I’m tired of stalling real conversations because either they or I have been sucked into apps, emails or jigsaw puzzles (it me). I want to live in this real world and create in this real world, but the discontent and conflict I feel is sometimes really, really irritating; I don’t want to use social media for my art, but it seems the only way you’re to be judged by labels and music makers. How much of a following do you have? How many likes do you pull in? How often do you post? It’s not about your art any more, it’s how good you are at selling it. I have enough trouble dealing with all the cogs turning in my brainbox without thinking about all this bullshit. And it goes beyond all that, it’s really irrelevant what career I choose, social media is addictive regardless of what we do.

So fuck that. I play the game when I have to, but I’m not bending over backwards for it.

#mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthwarrior #mentalhealthblogger #mentalhealthblog #mentalhealthandtechnology #mentalhealthandsocialmedia #socialmedia #instagramandmentalhealth #anxietyissues #livingwithanxiety #lifestyleblog #oldlady #pulldowntorefresh #worldwidewhat

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