#when talking to my dad late at night

[creativebrainrot]

Open Journal Entry

Little note that I talk about my worst self-worth, I think is an apt name, issues in depth so please don't read if you can't stomach that at this time. Take care of yourself.

I recently identified with more precise words why the holiday season affects me like it does. Most of the things I've had to or wanted to unlearn, I've had a decent idea of where to start. My social anxieties were easy because growing up, before the pain of my situation really took hold in my mind I was already really sociable. So, Do It Scared worked, more than well enough. I've been able to slowly learn how to walk myself through and out of my own trauma responses, I think they are? and my bad headspaces. I've been able to reason myself out of the worst of my headspaces better and better lately. But there's one pain, one trauma, that I haven't a single idea where to start with unlearning on my own. Have you ever had something you "knew" down to your very core, that was so painful it felt like somewhere along the line someone had ripped a part of your very soul out? "I am not worthy." "I am not wanted." "I will be abandoned and left behind eventually, that is a promise. That is the inevitable." "I cannot be loved, not truly." These are laws, set-in-stone truths, so deep-set within the fabric of Myself, that I would believe it if I was told I couldn't unlearn these things. You, reading this, might think that I'm exaggerating. I am not. These are truths of the world to me; Even the most good-hearted kind and forgiving soul in the world would eventually become bored of me. I would eventually be worthy of abandoning. Now I know none of this is, objectively, true. For me however it is an inevitable unchangeable truth, and I am deserving of every bit of maltreatment I named. I haven't the slightest idea where to start, on my own, with any of this. The holiday season makes these issues so much louder. During the holidays I feel like a stray left out in the cold on a snowy street, passing by all the warm lit houses filled with family, and love. Community. I am on the outside, abandoned and unwanted. It's hard to deal with and I prefer to ignore christmas & december because of it. I prefer to be alone. Self-soothing. and then in the minor annoyance category, there's so many "BUY! BUY! BUY!" advertisements and general "People Are Happy Right Now! Tis The Season!" attitude that just, irritates me deeply. It's not the worst of it but it doesn't exactly help regardless. I have dealt with all of these feelings as far back as I can remember. Even when I didn't have words for it, even when I understood it less I still felt it. It's nice that I DO have friends and community now, this is the first year of that, actually. This time of year though my headspace becomes, unkind anyway. I wish I could logic and reason out of it but I can't. The holidays just hurt. Thanksgiving is atleast nothing to me- it doesn't hurt, it doesn't really feel at all. November is just an autumn month to me. I wish december could feel the same; my dad's birthday is on the ninth. I knew my holiday depression this year would be worse than ever before- and I have been able to distract myself from some of it with our moving house, but it still hurts, a lot.

There's a void I cannot fill inside my soul. Where I should be able to believe that I, matter? Am worthy? Could ever be wanted, by anyone. A place where I should believe I could be someone's favorite person. But instead, that place is a void. I wish it were an empty void atleast, but no. This void is filled with the sorrowful, accepting, understanding tears of an unloved child that forgives for the still-bleeding wounds she never should've had to bear. Pained acceptance of any abandonment, for it was always to happen, it's not your fault, it's mine. I am unlovable afterall, you shouldn't have wasted your time on me, I never deserved it. You were always meant to give up on me, I forgive you, it's just how the cycle always ends, you're not to blame, for I was always unworthy. There is a void in my soul, I'm not sure I can sew it back up. How do you get back what you surely never even had? At least I can be there for myself, I can tend to the void and love it, I am the only one that will never leave me, afterall. ^ that's what it's like. I have to speak poetically, it's the only thing that explains it properly. Nothing else is accurate. If you read all that thanks for listening to me ramble, I guess lmao. I don't want you worrying about me too much. I've lived like this for over two decades, and may live the rest of my life with my little void. I don't mind if that's the case. I've learnt to manage my feelings & headspaces better recently. All I really want is for the holidays to be nothing but another month. The month of my dad's birthday & winter. Nothing more. It's nothing new, which isn't a comforting thought- but at the very least, it's familiar. Bittersweet, the familiarity of abuse's aftermath. But familiar is still both "safe" and manageable. Again, if you read all of that 1. Sorry, I don't like the thought of upsetting others, or others worrying about me. 2. Thanks. It's nice to have somewhere to get my thoughts out. I had to hide all of myself for ages. I don't have to do that anymore unless I want to. It's nice.

#rotthoughts #creativelyrottedmind #open journal #personal #no venting this time #I didn't realize why the holidays were worse for me #until yesterday #when talking to my dad late at night #btw. I love our talks. he's the most important person to me. #I would not be alive right now if it werent for him. #anyway no venting this time not that thats bad #im realizing a lot of stuff now that we're finally leaving this place. #like in the background of my mind walls are falling and im feeling again where i didnt before #it hurts obviously but god its nice #its just so fucking nice to be able to ACTUALLY relax a little

[hella1975]

just full force threw a shoe at my sister's face and when my mum got me alone after she was like 'you shouldn't clobber her. but i get it' 😭

#it kicked off today but in my defence she's actually proper in the wrong this time even my DAD called her a bitch and my mum is FUMING #baso my sister came into my work with her mate when i was closing the other day and all the staff GLARED at them bc of aforementioned #close so i was being v chill so everyone 1) knew it was my sister and not some customer coming in late and 2) her friend wouldnt be uncomfy #like that's the real kicker her i was being extra laid back FOR her friend so he'd feel more at ease. and one thing about me is yes ive #said countless times i have a rural accent but my mum also raised me to know when and how to speak nice if need be bc people are cunts here #so when im waitressing i speak nicely bc it's a stuck up restaurant w stuck up customers but when im with my sister? making a point of #being laid back? my normal accent came through. and her mate when i was gone said i sounded 'really [from the county we live in]' #which WOULD NOT BE A COMPLIMENT. it's baso saying 'your sister sounds local and chavy' without using such explosive words #and my sister LET HIM SAY IT. SHE DIDNT DEFEND ME. and she told my mum about it later bc SHE THOUGHT SHE'D TELL ME OFF #LIKE SHE DID IT TO SNITCH. THERE WAS NO SCENARIO WHERE MY SISTER WASNT BEING A CUNT. and my mum hit the ROOF #one thing she's rlly been big on is loyalty bc it's always been the 3 of us so when she found out my sister let him say that she FLIPPED #and this all happened last night and i only found out this morning bc i overheard them screaming at each other and turns out my mum #tried to keep it from me bc she didnt want my feelings hurt and IM pissed bc it actually did hurt more than i thought it would #like i KNOW what people say about my accent but it's a guy i know? my sister's been friends w him for years? i was being nice? #it's EMBARRASSING like i was clueless & friendly and turned around for him to be like 'look at this stupid local girl' like?? #and my sister did NOTHING? it just sucks so i STORMED upstairs when i found out and had it out with my sister #and she knew she was fucked so she did all 'im not talking to you i have nothing to say' AND PUT HER EARPHONES IN? #the way i RIPPED them out. got in her face like okay girl u think i sound like a chav ill act like a chav lets GO #and it just got really aggressive and i wound up grabbing HER OWN SANDAL and full force hurling it at her face 😭 oops #from close range too like i was already in her face so i basically just smacked her with a sandal DSHGJKSH #now we're sat in silence bc alas we still share a room. WHAT the fuck. insane tbh but it's a bit funny. im so angry rn i could KILL #hella goes home

[milflewis]

.

#in a strange place today and i need to put this somewhere. i do not have a journal yet. this is it #my grandad was diagnosed with dementia years ago and the grandad i have now is often unrecognisable from the one i grew up with #and while this like isn’t fun and it is strange for him to look at me and not know me more times than he does. it has also been kind of l #lovely? #bc he thinks my granny is still alive so whenever i get to go see him i get to pretend she is too. and she is for a minute. and tho i am #glad she went before him. it is nice to say oh i’m popping in to see her after this grandad and talk about her like she’s hasn’t been gone #since i’ve been ten. my dad has spoken more to him in the last five years than he has his whole life #he was not an easy man. he was loud and friendly and hard working and funny and scary but not easy. in ways he is even #harder now. in others he is easier. #he is more of a child. this is what dementia can do to a brain. we are learning things about his childhood that no one alive has ever spoken #about. that no one knew. my dad doesn’t love him more now but he understands him better #my grandad taught me how to drive a tractor and how to fish through my dad and he has not recognised me in over a year and he #hasn’t walked since he broke his pelvis seven years ago and his muscles are nearly all gone. he is a fraction of the size he used to be. his #personality and body took up my childhood like adults on the screen in cartoons. he hasn’t dressed himself in a decade. he told one of the #nurses that after dinner he wanted ice cream plain like herself and nearly peed when she laughed and told him to fuck off #he is in there. he is himself. i know him. but he isn’t. he doesn’t know me but he allows me to tell him how to ppl he knows are doing. he #still somehow trusts me. we talk a lot about my granny and how she stayed up watching tv again last night so she’s tired today. don’t stay #long when you call in to see her? #whenever we would journey to see him and my granny and get in v late he’d ask us if we wanted apple tart and my granny would say michael. #not ur kids. u can’t parent them. he didn’t know my name yesterday but he asked me if i wanted apple tart #i hope he dies soon. for all that i will miss this. miss my dad having this. he would not want to live like this. it wouldntbe living to him

[urostakako]

my mom is the best person in this household and she is the best person in this whole fucking family and im sick of people acting like its otherwise

#ive never met a person who has made more sacrifices than her #my aunts and my grandma made her life absolute hell and my dad never believed her and blamed her for ripping our family apart #he only believed her when he heard it straight from his sister in laws' mouth. HIS SISTER IN LAW. NOT HIS WIFE. #my dad's sisters are constantly shitting on her. constantly constantly constantly and he never thinks theres anything wrong with it #because shes from a 'lower' family and because what right does she ever have over his siblings who have bullied him his whole life #it makes no fucking sense how he can side with these people over his own wife. what kind of husband are you #and my mom has done infinitely more for my brother than my dad but somehow my brother finds blame for her for every single thing #if there is a problem like the lights going out EVEN IF MY MOM ISNT FUCKING HOME my brother will find a way to blame her for it #because everything is a womans fault. if she makes him late to school once he wont talk to her for weeks disregarding all the times he made #her late for work and made her work until 9 in the fucking night to make up for it #and if my dad ever does the same thing? oh its not his fault 😐 #these people are all the worst hypocrites #everybody has their flaws. my mom surely has flaws too. but who are you people to act this way to your wife. to your mother. #someone who has sacrificed for you over and over and over again and continues to suffer because of you but still does things for you without #complaint #my mom's mother is sick and was so close to dying these past few weeks. alhamdullilah shes doing better now #but my dad did not call my nani or my mom's siblings once. NOT ONCE. never asked about her. never did anything #and then when my mom had enough and called him out on not being there for family he yelled at her for being crazy and unreasonable #but if this were any of my dad's siblings and my mom didnt call hed throw an absolute fit 'oh youre horrible you dont even think of family?' #my mom is somehow always the scapegoat for every single problem. if my dad drives recklessly and breaks smth in the car #and then my brother drives the car he will blame my mom for breaking the car because women are always horrible drivers #if my dad leaves the lights on and the bulbs stop working my brother will blame my mom #if my brother does something horrible my dad will say my mom is the reason hes grown up this way #DISREGARDING THAT HE HIMSELF ENABLES MY BROTHERS BEHAVIOR. #im so sick of this family im sick of their hypocrisy. my mom is the best person theyll ever meet AND THEY KNOW IT #if i could be even half the person my mom is i would not have the problems i do now #aricouldyounot

[my-chemical-rot]

Do you know how unnerving it is to wake up abruptly in the middle of the night finding yourself involuntarily muttering aloud “before it gets better darkness gets bigger the person that you’d take a bullet for is behind the trigger…” or “there’s a room in hotel New York City… shares our fate and deserves… pity…”

#The only waking up experience more unnerving is when you’ve been sleeping with your eyes open #Waking up without having to open your eyes is just. OOF. All around. Plus your eyes are so dried out #But it’s just everything is black and then BAM you’re awake with no like little moment of moving your eyelids to ease into the day first #It just hits you like a brick. AND YOUR EYES ARE SO DRY. #Not an intentional thing I do sometimes I just accidentally open my eyes while fully asleep my uncle does it too it runs in the family #Me & him also sleep talk a lot so you can imagine how fucking creepy that is #My dad shared a room with my uncle when they were kids & he’d come home late from baseball games #To find my uncle fully asleep but with his eyes open talking complete nonsense. And like obviously when someone’s looking at you and talkin #you immediately assume they’re talking to you. But if someone’s talking to you in the middle of the night and making zero sense #then it kinda feels like there’s a demonic possession going on or smth #These tags have less than nothing to do with the original post ignore me #I’m so tired I sure hope I keep my eyes closed the entire time I’m asleep tonight #Also hope I don’t wake up muttering fob lyrics for the third time

[sludgeguzzler]

someones really out here lighting fireworks at 2:37am. girl what are you doing

#when im at my moms place i feel like i live in the best most peaceful place ever (despite the lousy neighbours) #but when im at my dads i feel like ive been dropped directly into a storm or something #theres always people walking about during the day and at night theres a lot of people going out to the bars near our building #so a lot of random stuff ends up happening really late at night #its fun in a way but also kind of bothersome?? like the one employee at one of the bars who has built in speakers in his car #and the speakers are like top grade speakers too so when he blasts them at 3am for no reason its EXTRA annoying #at my moms we had the one guy who would spend the whole morning every sunday fixing up his car #and hed put classic metal music loud enough that you could hear from your apartment but bc it wasnt the same top grade speakers the guy #at my dads block has you could only vaguely hear the music echoing so it was actually really nice #to me at least. im sure someone was bothered by it in some way #i really like both neighborhoods though. even though my moms landlord sucks i really like living there #i have. many stories from my dads neighborhood too. funny stories. weird stories. #like the cup filled with mmisterious yellow liquid (i called it schrodingers cup bc you couldnt tell if it was piss or beer unless you #went over to it and sniffed it/tasted it and ofc noones gonna do that) #theres the time i saw some random thing in the grass football field we have near here and went over to it very excitedly #and i was with my partner so i talked to him like ''LOOK DAN A RANDOM EMPTY CHOCOLATES BOX WHATS IT DOING HERE!!!!!'' #and he answered me with ''you know this is probably a marker for some kind of drug dealing'' and i was. very shocked. #hmmm the time i went out with my friends to the suppermarket to buy ingredients for lunch #and we ended up lazying around under some random block and these cats came over to us #and we played with them it was very nice #the time i went out to get coffee with my partner and we sat down in the benches and i picked out a cool bottle cap from the floor...... #im getting really sad reminiscing now. i miss my friends so much. i miss my partner so much..... #((it hasnt been that long since we met we literally went out on saturday but i still MISS THEM bc i love them all so much.........)) #we should go out again this week... maybe i could even go on and outing just me and my partner #we could grab coffee together again..... maybe ill even get coffee instead of panicking and just getting a brownie like the last time... #i dunno. anyways. living the teenage dream. etcetera. sorry this blogs supposed to be exclusively loserposting about my hyperfixations but #i like talking about my life and shit. ill get back to churning out posts about my silly anime men in a little bit i promise. #talk

[orcelito]

Also the fact that it's 4/20. The holiday I "observe" (typically by making jokes) despite not being a weed smoker. And I spent all of today filled with dread, actively miserable, actively distraught, and then vaguely dissatisfied/depressed

😊✌😋 happy 4/20 to a certain dead bastard in particular

#speculation nation #negative/ #ok geeze ive made enough allusions to it and i kinda want ppl to know exactly why i got so freaked out by it today #uhm. preemptive trigger tag. it's relevant. #suicide ment/ #anyways an employee's step dad killed himself with a gun in front of her late last night. like literally right next to her apparently. #and the other employee was on the phone as it happened & saw the scene after the fact when she picked up the first employee #they were both so distraught & obviously traumatized. scared of losing their jobs if they didnt come to work #but we told them not to worry about it. we'd find a way to cover for them. it'll be fine. #and i hold true to that. no way im forcing them to work after dealing with that. #privately though im distraught with sympathy for these poor girls. it hurt my heart so much to hear them talk about it #and then there's the entire topic of suicide. the image in my head. the empathy for what these girls went through #the first girl. shes only 17. she apparently hated this man. and it's no wonder why. #im filled with so much anger for what he did to her. killing himself would be traumatizing regardless #but to do it RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER? to the point where she apparently had burns from the gunfire????? #im angry. im livid. these are my girls and they went through something no one ever should have to. so young too... #and. yeah that's why im so fucked up right now #the general stress of my life is not helping lol

[valleyyofthemoonnn]

you ever love people and humanity and the inherent Good of it so much it aches and hurts your heart , because you never see it. its never really been there for you to see it. you’ve only ever experienced the bad of it, but you’re so in love with the idea, you want to breathe and be alive just for the chance to see it ? you ever just do that?

#rambles of a mad man #a quote i think about constantly is “you haven’t even met half the people who are going to love you yet” #and its just so .. #the world is bad and everything is falling apart right now. i’m in an abusive household with no way out and have been for a long time #ive had a habit of being in very toxic relationships with people #so its very easy for me to fall into the line of thinking that all people are inherently evil and want to hurt me and use me all the time #and i was stuck thinking that for a while #but then i met people who love me and showed it! and it was scary because Wow i didnt know people could. do that! #and ive gained a lot more love and appreciation through that. and its still very scary sometimes because im aware i dont really know #how to deal with it all #i dont know how to react to a lot of affection i receive #but its made me fall in love with the idea of people.. even if i am still afraid to meet new ones because my old line of thinking is still #in there somewhere unfortunately… but then i read stories of people experiencing random acts of kindness from strangers #or pictures of people in art museums or pictures of kids and their dads laughing together in public #and then i think oh… people are good actually …. #i daydream about dancing with friends in a kitchen or whatever #or walking through a city and going in shops and looking at all the little trinkets together #walking in a park when its late at night just talking and talking and talking.. talking until the sun rises #isnt that what being a person is all about? just being good with people? #ive been a very angry person for a very long time and i still am #but sometimes i’ll have nights like these where i just want to live .for people #and then i cry about it #sorry im having one of those nights im thinking a lot #thought id share. idk #congrats if you read this far hi :)

[rosicheeks]

So glad to hear you're feeling better!

You don't wanna cruise down to your lil smoke spot?? 🥺

Idk man

#lately all I’ve been doing is sleeping in my car #idk I finished my show so idk what to watch #I’m thinking about maybe sitting outside for a bit and smoke there #but idk #smoking doesn’t even sound fun rn #I’m just bored with life #I wish I could paint or craft but i can’t #I don’t have much hobbies or anything right now #I would clean if my parents weren’t going to bed #I just wish I could smoke with someone #I’m in the mood for a late night smoke session with a good friend #just smoking and talking about life #I’m sitting with my dad and he’s in so much pain and I just feel so bad #I’m in such a blah mood #and everything is making me so emotional and sad #you know it’s bad when smoking doesn’t even sound fun #I just sad idk #ask #anon

[indycar-series]

rant in the tags

#tw depression #i feel like i do this song and dance every two months or so #but im once again at the point that im considering admitting myself to a mental hospital #i literally can't take care of myself and i have no energy or motivation to do so #the house is a mess and my roommate is basically the only one doing anything around here #except for taking care of her cat. i do that. #and i raced this weekend with my friends and i felt so useless the whole time #like he was airborne in turn 3 at irp and when we got the car back in our pit box i basically just couldn't do anything #like yeah there were already 3 people examining the car #i felt like i was more in the way tho than anything #i just stood there holding the deformed tire and trying to figure out what was going on #and sure it was my first time really doing anything racing wise but still i should have been able to do more #i dont have an appointment with my therapist for another three weeks and i don't want to text her this late at night #and while my parents know my mental state is super fragile right now my mom didn't help #she just showed me this church sermon about how i should be proud to be me #like 1. why would you show me that 2. why did you show me that when i told you i was going back to ohio right then #and my dad stressed me out yesterday after i was already in a pissy mood after the brickyard but he bought me lunch bc he felt bad #i feel like mental health wise he's the only one i can talk to but i don't want him to call me right now #and he's been trying hard to keep me out of a mental hospital #even once i came clean and told him what a piss poor job i've been doing at taking care of myself #so i dont know what will happen if i tell him this time #on top of all this im dealing with some serious body dysmorphia that came up after my therapist asked if i was considering top surgery #like yes but only slightly #and now i'm having a full blown identity crisis #so yay... fun times for me i guess #i honestly should probably text my dad instead of venting but i also don't want him to drop everything and come out here #that would make me feel 100 times worse at the moment #i dont even feel anything at this point #just numb. tired. exhausted. drained. #enough ranting for now i think

[lilgynt]

y’all remember halloween and i had my worst meltdown to date outside of attempts? similar build up rn actually

#personal #:) #i’m not doing great. my brother asked how i’m doing and it’s the first time #in a very long time someones asked me that without me begging them to example when i broke my foot #anyway he sent me that after i was making sure he’s been calling our dad and it led to me violently sobbing bc no one ever asks me that #and i’m just overwhelmed constantly #and yesterday my mom said my brother offered to let dad stay with him #other brother than the one who asked im doing it’s the one who broke my door on christmas #and she said it was so nice not to feel alone in this fight and i want to scream #which i have been in my car my floor anywhere i can it’s really easy to just scream till i can’t and cry lately #and it’s like i mean nothing. #like all the talks we have all the constant venting to me every conversation ending with me giving her money or treats or WHATEVER #like the night my brother called her i was like hey. i know this is bad and dads abusive to you. that gets lost in translation a lot and #you get pained as the villain but you’re not. this is horrible and i recognize that and want you to know #between helping my dad all the time like even while in the rest room i just have to be available #and my moms calling me to make sure he eats im paying btw and clean the house and fix a lamp #and half i can’t do bc of my dad #and she came home and was like heat this up for dad and i just broke i lied and said i feel on my foot bc i was screaming #and she starting muttering some shit about me but took care of my dad #and then my friends want to hang out and i get it most people need to hang out with friend occasionally #but i turn them down and he’s like trying to keep asking me and i’m like no i need to rest and do my taxes it’s been a bit hectic between #family emergencies new full time job and a broken foot #but he keeps pushing ti im just like no i’m not going out. i don’t want to get into it but life is very bad for me rn #frankly speaking i would kill myself than go out tonight tomorrow or even next week (we have plans next week) but i should be normal enough #by next week to hang. #and it’s like this with so many fucking people and the only people i would willingly see rn #is audrey and gg and my brother and sure i have plans tomorrow but i’m not super excited about it #and they should be quick! #if i get anymore push back i’m just canceling all plans and going mia i just can’t do this

[mayonakano-archive]

sometimes i realize i did not have a normal childhood

#leoposting #vent in tags #like... people talk about their parents tucking them in and worrying about them and stuff #when i was younger my mom usually didn't read to me or tuck me in from what i remember #i would get teased for needing/wanting a night light as i got older. they never really wanted to do much with me #i played games on my own and watched movies on my own and read on my own #i would stay late at school and nobody would worry at all about where i was... #even as i grew up i was mostly left alone. mostly expected to feed myself and entertain myself and stuff #even when i was driving there was no tv-esque experience. my dad didn't even really like taking me out #it wasn't fun. it was boring. sterile. simply educational. no 'i'm proud of you' or 'good work'. i barely practiced honestly #i spent more time with my practice teacher in drivers ed than with my dad... #my parents and i didn't really bond. it's no wonder i don't feel much for them. add ontop of that all the fighting they did when i was #little... no wonder i barely care these days... #i wonder what it's like to have parents who dote on you. who's affection you don't meet with skepticism. #who you don't have to worry about how much of an inconvenience or burden on them you're being #it's okay though. i'm okay.

[a-sleepy-ginger]

21/3/24

✿❈✿❈✿

Cake for lunch

Was really comfy in bed when I woke up

Got economics assessment done

Got alot of cuddles from my cat

#happiness diary #happiness diary: march 2024 #beans (my cat) has been getting more cuddly lately #laet year when we got him he seemed like he wouldnt be a cuddly cat #given how he would basically attack us if we petted him for more than 2 seconds #he would just get to overstimulated so we think he wasnt used to getting pet #but now hes becoming a cuddle bug #he was rubbing himself against my arm for like 5 minutes while I was talking to my dad he left a line of grey fur on my jumper #and he like stepped on my chest to try and rub against my face #but I'm allergic so i had to stop him otherwise i would be very itchy #im just happy hes allowing us to give him love and that he is getting used to getting it #he wasn't abused in his last home but he was definitely neglected to a certain level #but hes becoming more happy and comfortable here #im still uncertain when he is that cuddly though cus ive still not got his tells down #so i cant tell of hes wanting to jump on me to get more cuddles or if hes wanting to tear my face off for not noticing hes had enough #cus they look very similar #and his tail is pretty active all the time so thats not a good indicator either #hes like a dog #anyway gonna sleep night

[snazum]

debating if the lil fan film i wanna make, i should just play all the parts with the power of editing. i want to get friends involved. but i feel like I can’t.

maybe im in a shit mood rn. We’ll see in the summer. Might only be able to rangle em for a weekend.

#snazum talks #sighs in just wanted to get fucking feedback on my script #i miss the days of brainstorming late nights on campus #just talking with my dad bout anything and everything creative #when did we all just stop doing that #dad moved away #friendships drift and change #how did i even get here i wonder #whats wrong with me #there has to be something i have to have done something #i try so hard to be social but maybe it aint enough #it isnt enough. i know it isnt. i just have a lot of contempt built up I guess #its not a strong burning contemp but a quiet why does it matter anyways

[tombsforteeth]

I know my younger sister has issues and has since a child, but fuck why should we have to pussy-foot around her on Christmas under her threat of “fine, I’ll just fucking go then” if she’s going to spend her time in a dark room on her phone?? If it wasn’t Christmas and for mums sake and it being the only day of the year that the whole family is together, I would pull have said fine fuck off. I’ll have to ask her when she wakes up. Like, go to a psychologist and heal whatever trauma it is you got. You’re not the only one with issues here, and should you really be moving in with your younger suicidal sister if you’re going to flip and be nasty like that? “I don’t actually care about any of yous” well you do otherwise you would have blocked all our numbers, not talked to us at all and not bought us actually really thoughtful gifts.

And to cap the night off was a strong disagreement with dad over whether or not shooting and killing your otherwise perfectly healthy dog because they kill chickens or wander off on a scent trail is okay. I think you shouldn’t kill animals for being animals that need additional training but “this is a farm, nature is cruel, and you live and you die”.

#toothy talks #maybe I’m just tired from another late night and not enough sleep #I went to bed around 1am and woke up at 5am to pee and couldn’t get back to sleep and now it’s basically 6am #my sister literally flipped into a shitty mood when I finally walked into the kitchen coz mum told her she pulled out the wrong type of bin #liner and mum don’t say it meanly or rudely she litterally said “that’s the wrong one” #amd dad was pretty drunk by that point and had a double shot of rum and of cause became defensive #I never said “you haven’t trained those dogs enough but I think he caught the drift #and then people got shitty at me for getting out here at 6pm because it ‘held everything up’ but like the elder of my sisters could have #done her dog sitting duties before we got out there so it’s not my fault #and we need to factor in Jacob spending time with his family before literally spending the night 30 minutes out of town with my family #or maybe I’m just upset because my period is literally hours to days away and I’m just being hormonal and sensitive but I also think it’s #valid for me to feel the way I do fuck it I’m getting up to walk my dog #oh and this is my first fully sober Christmas that I’ve gone through and now it’s over and I don’t even have cigarettes to give me dopamine #hits. maybe I can ask Viv for one but I also don’t want to break my streak.

[orcelito]

So despite being told that I need several weeks notice to dependably get time off work, my dad didn't loop me into the conversation about when the canoe trip would happen, so I only got confirmation Yesterday that it's happening this Saturday, & I have a shift this Saturday that for several reasons I wont be able to find someone to cover

& so I'm gonna have to miss the canoe trip (again). Trying to not be angry, but I very definitely am unhappy.

#speculation nation #i could have done more to participate in the conversation. i knew it was a thing being talked about & i couldve asked up about it #but idk i figured id be told when an official time was decided and it never happened so i Kinda assumed the plans had fallen through #but no. they're gonna happen. just not without me :) #trying to not be a little shit about it but my dad messaged me this morning saying the canoe trip is happening on Saturday #despite the fact that my sister messaged me last night & i told her i wouldnt be able to go #so im Guessing she already told him. but he still messaged me like my answer might have changed overnight??? #'sorry for the late notice but we're planning the trip for saturday' #& i answered essentially 'yea [sister] told me about that. i have a shift that day i cant get covered so im gonna have to miss this year' #the (again) implied. since the same damn thing happened last year. #DESPITE HIM BEING TOLD that if he wants me to join in for Family Events i have to know when they happen several weeks before!!! #Week Of plans will Rarely work. and so to no surprise i have a 6.5 hr closing shift on Saturday #with no one realistically able to cover it (since one supervisor is already on break and the other 2 are already scheduled for that day) #ultimately maybe it's not the worst bc a canoe trip would tire me the Fuck out #but i kinda really wanted to go canoeing thru turkey run... ive only been canoeing Once. years ago. and it's Fun... #and god knows i need more time out of my stupid life of boxes. my occasional trips out to the river i live by only Barely keeping my sanity #so like. whatever. i'll deal. but i am Definitely not happy about it lol.