#which describes how i feel right now

[frevstoreon]

#i made a thing #a poorly made meme #which describes how i feel right now #why does no one post more on the #louis xvi #louis xiii #louis xv #louis xiv #lord byron #marquis de sade #napoleon ii #peter the great #tags 😭😭 #there are many more #literally anyone but napoleon gets barely any attention unless a bad tv show or movie gets made with them in it

[front-facing-pokemon]

#galarian slowpoke #picture this. this was the first pokémon revealed from the new DLCs for pokémon sword and shield. the pokémon company #up until this point‚ has never done DLC for a pokémon game before. you‚ having been jaded by shitty DLCs for other games in the past #now have a distaste for the phrase‚ and imagine this can't be good. then‚ in their teaser for the new DLC‚ they add a little event #into the game where they reveal one of the new pokémon that is going to be added in the DLC #and it is a galarian form. that is identical to the original pokémon. but with a yellow head #are you imagining it. now how fucking disappointed are you. how little faith do you have in that DLC that it's going to be as good as it wa #for the most part‚ the pokémon company has demonstrated that they do absolutely excellent DLCs. proper expansions #basically an entire other game on top of the game you already have. and they typically take up the release cycle of a full game #scarlet/violet's especially. WONDERFUL dlc. i never really properly finished the crown tundra just because i was so late to the party #because i avoided buying the dlc for so long because of this experience that i've just described to you #that by the time i bought it and played it‚ it was just because SV had been announced and i wanted more pokémon to tide me over #and i never finished it. one of these days‚ i'd like to go back and finish it‚ but i'm playing through pokémon xd gale of darkness right no #and i prefer to play. one game at a time. and i don't know when i'll ever really get back to it #or if i'll ever get back to it! 'cause without resetting my save file all the way i'll just have to Remember what it is that already happen #which i'm. notoriously bad at when it comes to coming back to games that i haven't played in a while #plus i know sv is like shitty performance or whatever but the movement in that game is so much better #it feels so much more freeing than going back to gen 8 where you can still just. run. and that's it #i know nobody likes scarlet/violet but i still. like it. performance aside. like yes the performance is terrible but i still had a great #time with it. i just praised its DLC for fuck's sake! its DLC was fuckin wonderful! it has kieran in it so it like can't be bad

[orykorioart]

TAZ Sapphic Week Day 5: Haunted

Couldn’t finish what I originally scheduled for day 5 (so itll have to be pushed back), but I still wanted to have something. So let’s have a quick experimental Lureen (if that is the ship name?) angst! Because that little scene in the GN really got me 😔✌️.

#i suppose this could also be interpreted as Lupcretia #Bc the ghostly figure is intentionally vague and distorted. So it’s up to your interpretation! #This... feels too angsty for Sapphic week. I’m sorry yall. Next days will be very cute dont worry #but then again the bingo does include Betrayal and Haunted. which are ripe for angst #taz sapphic week #taz #the adventure zone #tazb #taz balance #lucretia #maureen miller #anw. I had fun doing this. now back into my internship report woo (crying) #hopefully i will have time before i go to sleep to finish more for day 6 & 7 #also I hope the ID is okay - I’m not sure how I would best describe whatever this is #is Impressionistic even the right Art Movement. Its been three years since I touched that stuff.

[lunarharp]

qifrey's birthday and silly stuff

#witch hat tag #orufrey #excerpt is from my 30k failing eye fic (link in pinned) which has a birthday scene. i revisited and edited it again and it is now 30k :) #kerplunk thing is because of a mysterious game that shirahama has drawn orufrey playing before and to me it looks like Kerplunk. #a kids' game from this 'Real World' which we live in. card game is Cheat from neopets. but it's a real game. i want to play it for real.... #you lie and cheat in it..hence the name..and 'branston the eyrie you are a bold one' classic neopets tumblr post...no....ok then..... #'hey qif i know we're obsessed with witches' kerplunk but we used to play cheat all the time what happened to that??' #'oh. i just..don't like lying to you. i don't like how it feels.' 'oh haha i guess that's a good thing. ok let's play kerplunk instead ^_^' #'mm. *dying inside crying in the rain in my soul*' #i dislike trying to illustrate my writing. i resent myself for having described oru's captivating mysterious smile so perfectly #i can't draw that. i know what it looks like perfectly in my mind and i am right there on that roof but i can't draw it satisfyingly enough #writing comes from a different part of my brain. there's different things in there. i'm glad i wrote out some of what i can't draw. #then there are things that i don't write or draw but which are still a crucial ongoing facet of my orufrey mindscape. #the Written orufrey the Drawn orufrey and the Unspoken orufrey... three faces of a beautiful irreplaceable jewel in my heart... #could a depressed person do THAT.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#man i was like y tf am i so tried i didnt do shit today but no i got like 5hrs sleep. walked to the store in thr 12F weather. carried back #all my groceries. walked to the police station to get keys to the autoclave. read 40 slides abt anime. started redoing a tutorial #and spent 45 min on the phone giving my intake info for a new therapist. everytime i give the spiel it gets more exhausting #it feels so dramatic like whatever ill b fine but no im seeking help for a reason bleh #but now im tired and worried abt the semester bc itll b a lot. many plates to juggle with a fragile mind #my old boss was like u have an ambitious plan for the semester and im like oh boy well see how this goes #hopefully itll b fine once i get in the groove. just go one step at a time #currently i just wanna redraw 4lways sunny screenshots but idk what ones to draw #but should sleep. i gotta write a long email tomorrow morning for a class intro bc look at me im a professional who def #does not have underlying emotional problems. ugh. idk if i described my mood stuff right to the lady on the phone but like i got diagnosed #as b1polar for a reason idk i just still feel like its fake. like ill look at the checklists and get mad when i get a positive result #which is weird bc its like. u went to 3 doctors and they said the same thing shut up. ugh whatever. i need to sleepy #unrelated

[gammija]

ive been trying for 30 mins to write a post about why the Web's plan is still confusing, but I think I should face the truth and admit to myself that it's not that it makes no sense, it's just... so convoluted

#they needed jon to kill jonah cause it seems like only he could call him down #and they couldnt go through with the original plan because.... tbh still not sure on that one. at least not with the reasoning annabelle #gives. assuming that how everything works out now is how they intended it to #which it must be because if jon was ever ever going to consider 'letting anyone else feel that guilt' he sure as hell wasn't now that he #got introduced to the plan while a giant spider dangled his boyfriend above a pit. not conducive to jon cooperation #so originally spidermartin would have driven him to burn the archives and kill jonah. but theyre bond is too strong now so even if martin #would be spiders Jon wouldnt do the plan. .... huh #i just dont get that leap #why does their bond being stronger make jon less willing to burn it all down. so to say #would he want to keep his promise to martin and not become the pupil? but he did! he does! he does even when martin ISNT spiders! aaah #one thing that could make everything more elegant is if Annabelle wasnt telling the whole truth. she says they need to kill 'the pupil' #jon has been described as 'the pupil' as early as s2. and why would the Fears follow his voice on the tapes #and not just stick with his voice in jon the person? #solution; not only does the pupil have to die and the archives burn down at the same time #but jon has to be the pupil when it happens #... except that ALSO doesnt work because according to Jon Annabelle wasnt lying when she said that this would allow them both to 'survive'! #so unless we read the transcript in very bad faith and assume that she was talking about the hypothetical scenario of íf the fears leave; #then youll live; (but for them to leave youll have to die) this solution is out as well #but it would mean theyd need martin unspidered because hed be the only person able to kill jon when hes the pupil because 'it feels right' #(throwback to 178) #tma #tma meta #joos yaps #delete later #a mag a day #tma s5 #one nearly incoherent ramble later..... #if anyone has a good Watsonian solution to tie everything up neatly plz link me to a post

[pepprs]

ok so. today i am going to

fly (and travel at all) by myself for the first time since making the emergency return home from br!ghton bc of c0vid 4 years ago (extremely distressing and scary experience). and fly by myself two weeks after a mixed bag of a conference experience / plane ride home that included a massive scary depressive spiral that i had someone there to help me through as much as they could but it wasn’t enough which was absolutely not their fault but was deeply distressing to me at the time. so im about to be in a very similar environment but this time that person won’t be physically with me and it’s going to wreck my brain in multiple directions in part bc i have not yet recovered from the depressive spiral. i am still in it. lawl <3

ride in an uber by myself for the first time. ride in an uber at all for maybe the 5th time. as a very short young woman. which i have been expressedly warned by my parents not to do. lol <3

check into a hotel by myself for the first time

walk in a big city by myself for the first time (technically slightly untrue bc wjen i was last in ch!cago 5 years ago i did power walk from the hotel to the conference venue (like a block away) on the last day bc i was pissed about a situation but that was like… a block and i saw ppl i knew walking in that area. this time i will be in the same city and know no one at least for today

give myself a self care evening at the recommendation of my therapist…. for the first time. (maybe after i take a walk which i will do specifically when it’s still light out to see what the area is like). tonight no one i know will be in ch!cago yet and i have no plans to do anything. im going to play video games and draw and sing and give myself space and time to just enjoy being by myself and see how it goes

#purrs #conference tag #chicago #im very very very scared. that i won’t be able to handle it. i have craved solitude but also don’t know if it’s something i actually want o #if it’s a product of my circumstances. i am not used to being completely alone like that like whenever ive had it there have always been #other ppl in the building that ive had to be cognizant of and that will be true of a hotel too but bc i don’t know the people i will feel #less responsible to them . like obviously im not goi ng to sing at the top of my lungs but i will feel like i can sing which ive never felt #like i can do when ive lived with roommates or at home kinda. idk. my therapist was challenging me to experiment with fear by asking myself #if im really in danger or if im just uncomfortable / about to experience something ive never done before and right now im so extremely #anxious but what i am about to do is not inherently dangerous and i need to recognize im just experiencing something new and do it scared. #like im literally terrified i can’t describe how scared i am in a way that does it justice. but i am going to be okay. and when i tell #myself that i make it so. #trina vega voice im a woman…… [about to be] in ch!cago….. who’s SCARED! #i also have no idea how to be in a big city and be safe. like what do i do if im followed or if someone tries to attack me or something. #obviously the chances of that are extremely slim but ive had it hammered into me that if i am alone in a city that’s what’s going to happen #to me bc i am such a ~weak and defenseless small young woman~ lol. but bc i believed the fear and have had very little experience in citie #i have no idea how to navigate them or to be safe which creates the problem. like it makes it true that i am weak and defenseless bc i have #been shielded from being able to learn how to be smart and strong and cognizant of my surroundings. and i am so angry about it and hope tha #i will SHATTER that sense when im there and come away from it w confidence ive never had before #like i don’t have… pepper spray or anything like that. idk if that’s a thing ppl actually carry on them or if it’s just a thing ppl say. i #genuinely have zero idea at all. and i really really hope i won’t be in a situation where i’ll wish i had some. i doubt i will be but still

[ghosts-of-love]

u know when you write a whole bunch of fanfic and then u have to stop abruptly bc you're like wow okay i'm a bit too lonely for this or, god forbid,, horny

#i cant describe it well enough. i dont want to date anyone right now but i think it would be nice to be desired. #any time i mention this to my friends they just sort of tell me to get Grindr which feels like an Extremely Big and Scary first step #following my break up #idk how can u hear some1 say 'im scared to have sex' and think yeah sounds like Grindr's the way to go there #anyway this has gone off topic #writing fanfic is great but also i have like 4 friends where i live and none of them are around and i think i just need a hug

[magentagalaxies]

having a moment about my gender rn and i'm just like ugggggh @ my brain do we have to. like can we just not

#i need to go to bed soon bc i have a 10am class tomorrow but shoutout to the identity crisis i've been having since at least feb 6th #idk if identity crisis is even the right word. bc like one thing about me is that i have a very solid sense of self #like i know who i am and what i want and how i move through the world and what it feels like to be me #but in terms of how i label and explain that to others? that's where the identity crisis comes in #but no one else gets to experience me in first person POV so the descriptors i use and they ways i present myself are reality to them #and tbh? as i think about how some of the descriptors i use for myself don't accurately describe me some people are getting mad??? #which is so fucking bizarre bc like. what the fuck it's my gender why are YOU being offended??? #but it's also making me low key be like ''wait am i a bad person now????'' #even tho i don't believe morality works like that. idk it's just been an exhausting month and a half #if anyone wants to hear more in depth thoughts on all this i would love to vent about it #(but not rn bc i will be going to bed as soon as i get this all out) #but like what i will say now is even tho this past month and a half has been ROUGH (for several reasons especially gender) #and people might expect that me spending so much time with scott in february made it more exhausting #which is understandable we love scott but touring in general is tiring and also i am the most opinionated person i've ever met but so is he #and also like. if you've heard scott talk about gender it's very obvious we disagree on a lot of things and he doesn't shy away from that #but the thing is. i'd actually say spending so much time with scott (even when we talk about gender. even when we *argue* about gender) #was actually such a good thing for me throughout all of this bc even when we disagree on semantics of labels #scott actually sees me beyond that rather than reducing my identity to what i call myself #which is how a lot of well-meaning allys tend to treat me. like i'm just one thing. #so when i'm with scott i never really have to think about my gender #bc he doesn't treat me like i'm (insert whatever gender people treat me like). he just treats me like i'm jessamine #and i'm tired of having to explain myself into smaller pieces so people can pretend to get it #but i feel like there's no way not to do that in our society rn especially at my ''progressive'' liberal arts college

[torchwood-99]

Ok, been sitting on this for a while, been trying to talk myself out of it, but here goes.

The book doesn't sell me on the love Theoden had for Eowyn.

I tried to read it and find something in his actions towards her that tell me he has proper regard, proper respect for her, that gives any weight or meaning to his love for her, but I can't find anything. He dismisses her before the entire court, doesn't consider her an heir or a proper part of his house, and has to have her virtues called out to him by other people, when she has been serving him for years.

Return Of The King sees him spout platitudes and declare her "dearer than daughter", but none of this is backed up by his general actions to her.

He loves Eowyn, fine. But he doesn't love her the way he loves Eomer, or probably loved Theodred. He doesn't love her as a fully realised being. Nor as someone to take pride in and carry on his legacy. He loves her a crutch, a tool, and something between pet and person.

He has affection for Eowyn, but his love feels more like a trivial thing, than something with any real worth or regard to it.

#Lotr #Lord of the Rings #Eowyn #Theoden #I don't think this is Tolkien's intent #I think I'm meant to believe that Theoden was awesome to Eowyn and did love her more than a daughter #but Tolkien never gave me a reason to believe that #can someone find me a moment in the books where Theoden's love for Eowyn feels like something substantial #where he loves her for who she is and not for the services she has provided #where he shows any respect for her capabilities and pride in her person #and not just going along with it when other people point them out to him #I love them in the films and I want to believe in their love so much #but Theoden's love for Eowyn in the books just feels perfunctory and leaves me feeling empty #I don't think this is how their relationship is meant to make me feel #Eowyn put her life on hold and endured hell for Theoden's sake #and we never even get an implication he regretted what she endured for his sake #we never see a hint of Theoden regretting how he snubbed her before the court #almost every scene between the two of them in Two Towers lacks warmth or regard between them #the minute Theoden's recovered he sends Eowyn away as though she's not longer of use to him #he forgets her bloody existence before everyone in the hall #he has her wait on him while Eomer Aragorn Gimli and Legolas all get to sit with him #and in turn all Eowyn can do is look at him with cool pity #and at their parting she focusses more on Aragorn than Theoden #she clearly isn't feeling the love right now and why should she? #it makes Theoden calling her daughter and showing her some morsels of affection in Return of the King feel empty #like now yeah he can be bothered to acknowledge Eowyn a bit now that it suits him #but when other stuff is going on she falls to the back of his mind #there's enough unseen moments or gaps where perhaps if Tolkien had written them I might have believed in Theoden's love for Eowyn #such as their parting before Pelennor which was described as “painful” #but that pain could have meant a variety of things

[aeide-thea]

lying in the dark listening to an amapiano mix and the rain, with the cool humid air coming in, and like. a lot of things are bad right now, but not this

#a whole lot of sadbad feelings and inchoate incoherent thoughts lately but like. #right at this very moment we're just. sticking a pin in all that and having a hilary duff - come clean.mp3 interlude #tiny little nightswimming polaroid of a time. etc etc #(how many extremely dated references can you put into one post. but shhh) #(also secretly this post is like. web weaving with the mood of a pome i wrote in high school but like. good luck describing a pome.) #(that could of course be my cue to plunge into like. aching nostalgic high school feelings bc like. #embarrassing but in many ways that WAS the last time i got emotionally supported enough to do things i care abt in any serious way #which sounds absurd i realize bc. high school. but like. my personal experience of my personal high school WAS serious and special #largely due to a small handful of extremely magical and beloved teachers who were extremely good to me #and now i'm just. molly grue voice.) #(however! i am DECLINING to go down that rabbit hole tonight. we are not doing it. #dark. rain. music. no thoughts no feelings. just being.) #(telling myself that very firmly & repeatedly until it sticks.)

[grahamdollton]

#my peculiar wife #i'm not rewatching speaking of sex atm i just found this in the vaults (my screenshot folder) #then again i might rewatch it today because i feel like shit and seeing him in such a..... state..... might improve matters #at least yesterday wasn't a total bust #and by that i mean i actually had a decent day yesterday which i haven't been able to say in ages #i left my cave and went to an estate sale where an incredibly attractive middle aged gentleman with silver hair let me have #these two big wooden roll top boxes full of cassettes (many of which are sealed blanks!) for five bucks..... #i haven't gone through them thoroughly yet but it looks like there's a lot of early appalachian gospel #can't go wrong there......... #the man kept calling me sir #sometimes it baffles me that i “”“pass”“” these days because my hair is so damn long and i keep my face clean shaven #so that's nice #with how depressed i've been sometimes i hate to acknowledge when i have a decent day or even a decent moment #because i almost superstitiously feel it will act as a magnet for my depression to swoop in and feed on it #and out of that fear my depression has developed this sort of..... personified stubbornness #where i both consciously and unconsciously avoid what might allow for an opening for “decent moments”.. pleasure.. joy.. whatever might #might grant me relief from pain even just for a moment etc #i don't know what i'm trying to describe here all i know is i feel trying to announce or acknowledge any sort of happiness i experience #feels like i'm directly endangering it #my brain is too scattered right now to try to articulate anything and i don't know why i'm doing so in the tags of a photo of #my peculiar wife james spader #just trying to exist again and not let myself be a hermit to the extent of harold smith which is very much the path i've been on for a long #long time #and i'm chipping away at that nonexistence in strange ways but chipping away nonetheless.......

[tarantula-hawk-wasp]

hands and knees begging myself to be responsible tonight bc i have so much to do but i can feel in my heart irresponsible brain is going to win and im gonna end up drawing and making myself more behind and stressed but like i spent 8 hours researching and writing art history texts at my internship do i fucking want to research for my history class tonight even tho i should so i can let the professor know if my topic is viable? no i want to draw. and like even research aside i need to do dishes and laundry and pack

#which frustratingly the relevant articles are from a journal our school doesn't subscribe to and like i could just ask her to change my topi #but like if i wait until after thanksgiving that is pushing it too close UGH #i hate school #i hate how busy i am right now ugh i was on the phone with my dad and he was like you sound really unhappy and i was like well thing is i #am and like i just have to slog through the rest of this semester but it is a hard slog #call my schedule oatmeal the way its fucking GRUELING #they werent lying that 25hrs a week internship but 1hr walking there and back 5 days a week (so 30 hours time) is a fucking LOT on top of #classes and teaching like im physically sore im tired and burnt out im behind on grading #i love the work im doing at the internship and i love teaching it is just challenging to balance both #and like i knew grad school would be hard and I knew this semester would be hard and i can get through it and i will get through it #i dont even like complaining about it bc like i signed up for this knowingly and i knew what i was committing to and the internship is so s #so helpful for me career wise and i really enjoy it and like my classes are also important career wise #im just constantly treading water but im drowning a little #every like mental health problem i have is being exacerbated #i feel like i have two parts of my brain like rational logical brain that knows what i need to do to get the tasks done and then wild #impulsive fun brain that just wants to goof off and that part of my brain has the steering wheel most of the time and i have to wrestle it #away to get work done anytime im not like in an office #which like yes that is a metaphorical way to describe executive dysfunction but i have not had time to try to get any diagnoses even tho #we've been suspicious for 6 years now

[tachiisms]

.

#on like strictly an ooc basis though i know i haven't been here in a while and randomly just popped on to shitpost #'cause laura's post made me laugh (ty! ily!) #but i'm still mostly over on my other blog. i've had a lot going on and like being with my soft girls right now #and also star wars hasn't really been sparking joy recently and it's been making this dash feel claustrophobic in a way idk how else #to really describe? like it's nothing to do with the actual people or characters on this dash it's more just that it's almost all star wars #if that makes any sense at all? #(which is probably stupid because no one really cares about the muses on my other blog so i'm only playing myself here lmao) #(but idc they make me happy and it's fine that they aren't popular) #but i also find that it can be kind of hard to branch out from star wars to get a wider range to rp with on siri #'cause it's mostly just modern type or crossover type verses #and that's been feeling Hard lately just because of the star wars stuff i just mentioned #but i do have a star wars related project with a friend that'll be...sometime upcoming? so i'm hoping that it will spark the joy again #but for now i'm mostly over on my other blog but since i follow a lot of the same people i sometimes see things and pop over here lol #anywhomst if you're at all interested in sigrid from the hobbit or susan pevensie from narnia (or breha who's also star wars) #(idk i'm not having the same problem with breha as siri probably because she's on the multi? anyway back to the point) #then feel free to go follow my other blog which is @viaminvenia but no pressure!! sigrid and susan don't have star wars verses #ily all you're all so talented and such good writers and just *chef kiss* all over the dash #ooc

[rosielav]

Bellefast has been coming to me in my dreams recently, in a similar way to how Monteith and Jibblie do

I find myself at The Circus, but in a sleeping quarter of some kind. And I can hear the festivities going on outside, in the big top. I'm apparently just passing through, but know everyone well enough that they let me stay on the property.

The only person I don't know is Bellefast, which is strange since he's the Ringleader, you tihnk I'd know him quite well, if I know all the clowns and performers and stagehands.

And he doesn't know me. So when he stumbles into the sleeping quarters, whiskey and candy floss on his breath, and falls into the bed, he's caught by surprise. As am I.

It feels like maybe a creative exercise? Maybe my brain wants to flesh this character out more, so it's putting him into my almost asleep brain so that I have to learn more about him.

So far I've learned he has a drinking problem.

#Rosie rambles #My dreams have been very strange lately especially my almost dreams like I'm about to fall asleep state #Whenever I describe things like this none of my friends think it's normal #Like to fall asleep I have all these situations play out and scenes and I don't have control over them #I can be like man I wish Monteith was here cause I can't sleep #And then Monteith will crawl out of the closet and Jibblie will be doing cartwheels on his shoulder #And he'll say something to me in a voice I never expect bc that's kind of his thing #And then usually Jibblie will do a trapeas act or something to keep my brain occupied #Trapese? Trapeese? I don't know how to spell it. You know the flips and shit #But the past two or three nights it's been Bellefast and I have little control over him #Meaning I can't think for him to say something or do something he just does what he wants #Which is to sleep. Drunkenly. Next to me #I didn't even mention his mind control powers but it's more like... Persuasion? Or like.. I want this #So you want this now too #Idk how to describe it exactly but it's kind of like Damien from The Bright Sessions except he uses it for good #...... Mostly. He mostly uses it for the big top performances and getting everyone genuinely excited about The Circus #He doesn't implant false feelings into your brain it's more like he coaxes out stuff like you WANT to be having a great time right now #So then they DO have a great time #I guess it's like releasing your inhibition? Versus mind control technically #But yea the drinking problem is more of a concern to me lol he relies on it after every performance regardless of the time of day #OC: Bellefast #I think I want to tag my OC places too #The Circus

[headofocs-inklesspen]

I think what I really genuinely need. Is like a week+ of just no in person human interaction. I have felt so easily overstimulated and so tired the last like 2 weeks and I think the problem, genuinely, is people.

There’s people and I need there to not be.

#crow rambles #autistic adult #saw a post somewhere where someone described it as basically being socially burnt out #which is exactly how I feel right now #I’m tired of having to interact with people #I’m tired of having to Always Be On and Ready to Act as Expected #but I work service industry which means even if there isn’t a Customer there’s always still People to handle and since I’m a shift lead #I am always masking because I Have to Be What’s Expected or nothing will get done #and I’m just so tired #and then I get home #and there’s people there too #and the toddler Does Not Care about things like ‘please don’t grab my leg. I don’t like touch and you are Weirdly Sticky which Is Worse’