#which in turn also means food

[arolesbianism]

WHAT DO YOU MEAN ONI EARTH HAD SMOG SO BAD THEY COULDNT EVEN USE SOLAR ENERGY??? JUST FOUND THAT LOG AND. HEY???

YEAH I KNOW RIGHT most of the oni logs are so stuck within gravitas that it's easy to skip over the random little bits of fucked up world building, with the smog being my favorite piece cause it implies a whole fuckton of other environmental issues and it's suddenly like damn these guys were rly just living their lives while half suffocating huh

#rat rambles #oni posting #like as a hashtag grew up in hawaii guy even mild smog already sucks I cant imagine what enough smog to block the sun would do #like you just know theres like a billion other crisies going on like at the very least with water #which in turn also means food #which means that water purification facilities are a must #which need power #its that full circle that also somehow manages to tie into the gameplay babey #luckily the smog doesn't as pumping gasses into space is a much easier option when you dont have an atmosphere #speaking of space and sky travel must have been obnoxious on oni earth #like if it was thick enough to prevent solar power it definitely was making the sky a smudgy mess at best #Ill assume that there was enough light to see but the sky itself was probably always just grey smog #and Im pretty sure in that same log its mentioned that nuclear power is banned or smth? so probably some incidents there #all in all I dont wanna know what a rainy day on oni earth felt like

[izloveshorses]

it’s so beautiful to me that what triggers anya’s memory of her past isn’t some big national secret or something inherently tied to the politics of her family or even her social class, it’s just a simple sensory detail of sitting in a carriage on a hot day and catching sight of a boy running after them

#anastasia broadway #anastasia musical #anastasia #dimya #i mean i get that this is the whole point of iacot alksdfj #but like #it's just a small thing?? and that feels so much more honest?? #idk #also like #i know she has Been Through It but the narrative is so gentle to her #like this is just such a kind and gentle way to be reintroduced to who you used to be you know?? #even though the song ends on a sad note it's still a very safe and comforting environment #a boy talking about a hot summer day and it turns out you were there too #and then we can get into the fact that the way he tells stories is exactly what she needed to unlock her memory #bc he uses sensory memories and specific details in the same way we remember childhood #like we don't think about the Overall Things going on at the time but we remember the way the food smelled or the texture of the clothes etc #and that's a much more interesting and Real story to me than anything else they could have done #letting this girl who has survived and endured so much have a moment to just. be. and letting her think about ribbons and a boy #which is why when ppl try to make her a figure either sympathizing with or against the revolution it doesn't work for me #bc it's not a show about revolution it's a show about a girl remembering the way her nanna smells when she hugs her #and in this context. that matters more #idk it's a story for the girls!!!!! #for the girls who don't remember everything but they remember their grandma's perfume and the way the carpet felt under her feet!!

[astranauticus]

the rwd season 4 qna inspired me to start thinking about college au headcanons except a lot of these are gonna be really specific to my school and y'all are just gonna have to deal with that <3

Kyana feeds some of the school cats. she would feed all of them if she could

Dani smuggled Plug (the scrawniest black cat you've ever seen) into her dorm room illegally and somehow management hasn't caught her yet (based on a true story) (Kyana visits to see Plug all the time)

Finbar keeps an updated tier list of every canteen in the school with breakdowns of the best stalls/dishes for each

A senior from the school of engineering once said to me 'all the engineering people dress like rats cuz our classrooms don't have aircon' (context: tropics) anyway that's Dani

Kyana would probably be involved in a lot of freshman orientation events from second year onwards. she just likes talking to the new kids and giving them advice like she would be the kind of orientation group leader who'd get messages from her freshies asking about all kinds of random nonsense because she's made sure they know they can always contact her with questions

VR-LA is The Guy you go to for textbook pirating resources

(this is more of a 'wouldn't that be funny' but VR-LA is just Veerle's discord handle)

Docent is the name of VR-LA's old laptop that broke down so he gave it to Cassimere (computer engineering major he met once at a networking event) to fix except Cassimere got everything off the hard drive and then somehow managed to fuck it up Even More so he had to get a new laptop (and named it Emi)

Roy has gotten food poisoning from his dorm meal plan at least once (based on at least one true story)

The heap trio + Mandy would be those friends constantly playing majong in the dorm lounge and if all the majong tables are taken they just play in one of their dorm rooms on a towel to dampen the tile shuffling noises (it was Mandy's idea)

Every morning Dani goes to the drinks stall at her faculty and orders one iced coffee to the point where the stall owner starts preparing an iced coffee whenever they see her approach (based on my true story)

Roy would be one of those people who goes clubbing every other week and every time he tries to drag the rest of the heap trio and Egan almost always goes and Dani would go if she didn't have a good excuse but always begrudgingly. anyway Roy would always be the only one having a good time until Egan gets drunk enough to start having fun

Finbar actually uses the dorm kitchens instead of just buying canteen food and it always makes the hallways smell really good

Vhas also uses the dorm kitchen sometimes but like. one time i walked into the pantry on my floor and someone had left cut sweet potatoes and 2 eggs in an inch of water in a pan on the stove. that's Vhas

Kyana's constantly applying for overseas exchanges and international summer/winter school programmes. the world is large and she wants to see it!

Maxim's the definition of a hall phantom. you know he lives on your dorm floor because you pass him by in the hallways sometimes and literally nowhere else. sometimes you're not convinced that he actually exists

VR-LA and Maxim's friendship stems from them being from wildly different faculties (VR-LA's in STEM, Maxim's doing anthropology so arts/social sciences) but also having lots of weird interests they cant really bug anyone in their home faculties about

Elyse is in student government and every once in a while Finbar receives a series of angry texts about the newest idiocy she's had to put up with

MR-SN and AS-TR start a stargazing club together. other notable members include AS-TR's girlfriend E-DN, MR-SN's friend C-RA (the one who always volunteers to carry the heavy ass telescopes) and MR-SN's friend K-LB who he pestered into coming to fix one of the wonky scopes even though K-LB's actually in electrical engineering but he's the only engineering person MR-SN (an arts student) knows

oh and of course VR-LA joins because he genuinely just likes space (developing a crush on his club chairperson was not on his bingo card)

Kyana and E-DN were MMA sparring buddies at one point which is how she found out about the stargazing and joined immediately

honestly i can probably think of more but this post is fuckin long LMAO

#rolling with difficulty #'do not let the internet turn you into an american' i say as i make posts that can be understood by me and me only #i mean im not sorry about it this is my house #like my experiences are just gonna be extra incomprehensible because my countrys fuckin tiny so the target audience really is me and me onl #too bad! you think its hard to read my posts? i gotta live like this! #if i sound extra confrontational i got 5 hours of sleep for the whole week unfortunately so just know its all /lh more or less #really tempted to make some kind of business major joke for roy even though obviously the heap trio would all be in engineering #bc its just common knowledge in my school that business majors are the ones with the most free time to go clubbing all the damn time #and *also* theyre the faculty that dresses the best which also tracks?? #didnt really nail down specific majors for everyone (besides the obvious ones like food science for finbar and mech eng for dani) #but i kinda like the idea of cs for VR-LA because of that 'programmers are real world wizards' joke and also.. projecting #cs with focus area in AI would even make sense bc of docent and emi. if i want to make the projecting Even Worse! #also if i ever do human designs for the old crew (doubtful cuz i find drawing robots more fun than drawing humans) #look up sally hansen hypnautical nail polish bc i wanna give human AS-TR that as a nod to her original design #didnt really get into the fashion of it all bc again i live in the tropics so nobody really dresses well here #the goal is to dress to not sweat more often than it is dress to look good #hands down my favourite line in the cqna was noir's i thermoregulate through my forearms #so in the middle of summer i still wear all black and just roll up my sleeves #like thats ME. except its summer ALL YEAR ROUND #walao #asto speaks

[kariachi]

Sorry-not-sorry I'm back on my normal 'Kevin and Argit were so small' bullshittery.

Because they fucking were. Kevin was twelve when Servantis tossed everybody, and Argit couldn't have been far off. They were middle school aged. 'Puberty would be starting about now if we weren't wandering the Null Void and therefor likely not eating near enough' aged.

A pair of children, with minimal education, no paperwork, no homes, no guardians. Wandering the Null Void and then the Milky Way, on their own. One a prime target for the slave trade, both prime targets for adults looking to take advantage of them (*coughcoughOttocoughcough*). With only as much security as they could provide themselves and each other. Only able to rely on themselves for the basic necessities of life.

And then this show has the audacity to try to tell me that they turned to crime due to poor morality. That they're money focused because they're just naturally greedy. That they don't trust people and look out for themselves because they're bad people that either will always be bad people or will only improve because of the power of Tennysons.

What options were there for them? What jobs are there in the Null Void? What jobs are there in the galaxy that'll hire barely-teens, if even that, with no paperwork or educations, that wouldn't ruin them as badly and pay worse than the crime they already had experience with? Will keep them fed and clothed and sheltered? When one of them already has a criminal record, for violent crimes at that? When there's nobody there to stop even the 'good' adults from taking advantage of them?

The show will sit there and tell you that Kevin's violent crimes were the result of a rough childhood, but he and Argit's non-violent ones? Totally on them, no excuse, wholly a matter of greed and not giving a shit about other people. Fucking bullshit. This is a pair of kids who had to grow up way too fast, up against an existence that saw at least one of them as easy profit, with nothing but themselves and each other, and no opportunities. They're a pair of traumatized kids who grabbed the opportunities available to them with both hands and were molded by the problems they faced.

Of course they're money-focused, unlike the Tennysons they don't and haven't had anybody making sure they had enough to get by. They've had to support themselves and live with the constant worry that something is going to go pear-shaped and they'll have nothing.

They spent years with anybody and everybody being a potential threat (even between the two of them, Argit's noting that Kevin's snapping while he worked for the Rooters was the worst he'd seen 'before or since' makes it quite clear he's seen him on and passed the edge at least as much if not more than we have), of course they're going to be slow to trust, quick to toss people aside, and unwilling to help their enemies without some sort of payout, they've been burned before.

Just- Damnit these two come from some shitty fucking situations, the effects they had on them are obvious if you bother to fucking look, and they both deserved better than the series just going "oh yeah they're assholes what do you expect they're criminals" and moving the fuck on. Like, for fuck's sake at least acknowledge that they're like this because life was a fucking lead pipe to the teeth to them! We know Kevin's situation was shit even before they met, we got to see it, but even if Argit had a perfectly good life beforehand (unlikely) the earliest we see him is being held captive for illegal experimentation purposes by law enforcement! These two have been through shit! At least acknowledge it!

Fuck, they could've replaced Color of Monkey with that, hitting on the differences between how Kevin and Argit adapted to their circumstances, give us upfront the Tennysons being a safety net that let Kevin heal (rather than just 'oh the Tennysons taught him morals because they're the Good People') while Argit's issues and lack of security kept him stagnant. It would go better with what we see of him over the course of OV leading up to the Rooters arc, and what we're shown in the Rooters arc. Give us him still being far from great or on the up-and-up but improving with the stability that comes with his 'hero' status, a repairing relationship with Kevin after that arc, and a flourishing, above-board business. Rather than backpedaling on any good the writers had thrown at him like they'd realized they were coming up against a cliff.

Shit that makes you want to get the writers by the shoulders and shake them mercilessly.

#the fact kevin's willingness to leave his enemies to their fates is treated as a character flaw resulting from his being immoral #rather than a result of the traumatic-ass shit he's been though and these enemies continue to put him through #we *really* needed a scene between him and gwen where it's made clear that just because she and ben choose to forgive people #doesn't mean kevin has to and that his desire not to help people who only want to hurt him is entirely reasonable #argit has gone through so much shit too and it was understandable it didn't get touched on in UAF because it hadn't been established #but OV has no fucking excuse #bastards really went 'argit is a more accepting partner than rook and selflessly saved a lot of people's lives at least once- #-and cares about kevin and went through so much trauma alongside him and is the wielder of the omnitrix in at least one parallel universe' #and then turned around and went 'but also he is actually an even worse person than UAF showed- #-no really we know we just showed him being the type to selflessly save lives- #-but he's totally down with kidnapping and selling small children to be eaten' #these boys deserve better #honest to fuck they had argit selling children as food directly after showing us how he was treated as a thing by adults as a child #when we know kevin was a victim of the same shit and that argit held it against at least servantis #when we could have had an episode where kids are going missing in Undertown and the heroes learn because Argit called them about it #when we could've had something hitting on he and kevin's trauma from the shit they went through alongside argit growth #as he at the very least refuses to let other little kids go through shit like he and kevin did #which would play well with what we see of him in the rooters arc #*and* what we see in The Purge when he's the one who responds to the FK bullshit not by fleeing the planet but by informing Team Tennyson #despite being shown to have the *ability* to flee #we'd even still get to see scary post-rooters 'don't fuck with me' argit it'd be great #missed fucking opportunities all over the damn place doing these boys dirty

[meguhime]

12. laughter for AuRaApril and 12. treasure for VieraprilJust a lil sketchy for today <3 <3 laughing around a table full of delicious food is the real treasure hehe

#AuRaApril #AuRaApril2024 #Vierapril #Vierapril2024 #ffxiv #Styrnrael tag #Bertram tag #Seishin tag #I felt soooooo emotional making this one #Niko planned a very elaborate RP in which Bertram made a 7 course dinner for Seishin and Styrnrael #He hid clues about his life and story within each dish... #And with each one Seishin and Styrnrael learned more and more about Bertram through the meal #Styrn had almost no experience eating such fine cuisine so she also learned a lot about appreciating food #She had once just seen it as a way to survive... #Instead of a comfort or form of love -- Bertram and Seishin had their own ways of seeing some things as means for survival #But in many ways this was a turning point where they were no longer just trying to survive... #They were home #Their home #And so making this really made me feel emotional because I wanted to express how happy they all are to be feeling this #but also because I am still so appreciative of that very special RP and for the people I get to be creative with #Sharing a meal really is a treasure <3 #I better go before I cry!!!! #Bye! Love you! #Mwah! #oh wait #meguart #okay bye for real

[pumpking64]

.

#Jesus fucking Christ #why do some people just. not see the mess they’re making and acknowledge that it’s their responsibility to clean up after themselves?? #like. you throw your shoes in the entrance exactly where people walk. you let shared loafers stand outside for several hours #you cook the most simple dinner that one time you cook (mind you the other people have equal shares of making food) #and yet you don’t even manage to clean up after neither the cooking NOR taking the food off the table into the fridge so it doesn’t turn bad #you keep on taking the most easy solution that fits you the best without thinking about others. in a space where we all are exhausted #and I’m so done with it for now tbh. how lazy to not care about the bare necessities for others. how rude to admit to it #AND on top of this. you’ll tell stuff about your country that’s *objectively horrifying* and then add on to that that you love your country #it’s just. so many things. are so so so much of what I’d avoid in a person. a few things is fine. no one’s perfect. but damn there’s a limit #SORRY to anyone who’s read this far but I just. had to get it out #this guy is the one I’m working the closest with these two and a half weeks. hes still a kid kind of. I’m not gonna be mean to him #but damn. my patience. is being tested #AHHH I might delete this tbh. I don’t like showing this side of myself. I don’t want to spread this kind of negativity #I’m just so very frustrated. how a human person can come to this place and be here for SO LONG already #and still not have learnt the basics of living and working together #own post #oh. and all the triggering of intrusive thoughts is not helping your case buddy #(which you can’t really know about so it’s kinda fair but also it’s for bad hygiene stuff mostly and that’s. I mean…..)

[arthur-r]

what’s really embarrassing is my roommate on the phone with his mom saying “yeah i’ve been getting really sloppy i haven’t cleaned in a week it’s terrible” and my side of the room is just like that. all of the time. and i feel guilty but he also hasn’t ever said anything to my face he moved my stuff some at the beginning of the year but has never talked to me about it and i’m also so fucking ill that i just cant really handle adding that to my list while trying to also not fail school. so here i am being a terrible person i guess. did i tell you guys about turtle-person. have i showed my bracelets. i’m gonna go to sleep but in the morning i need to show my bracelets

#help i have work tomorrow. i also feel sick and strange. wish me luck #the sun was around today which was incredible but also i think it gave me too much mental energy #cause for the first time in forever i had the brightness of spirit to go for a walk. but that’s not the same as having the blood flow for it #so i think i overexerted myself cause of being finally happy and mentally energized i forgot about being physically disabled #i also had to explain POTS to somebody today and she was literally like ‘oh is that the thing where you need to have salt’ and NO like #i do have a really high salt intake to cope with POTS. but that’s not the fucking thing yknow?? like no that’s not what the thing i have is #it has nothing to do with salt. salt is a fun little coincidence that it can help with water retention which in turn helps with POTS #and it raises blood pressure is i think the other reason? but anyway idk i would honestly rather she just not know about it than have like #that very particular tiktok version of it like i am so glad for internet knowledge being spread and stuff and i mean. i guess even the posts #that i’m about to complain about are good for making people feel like they’re not alone. so maybe it’s fine. but i was going to complain of #the videos that are like ‘‘that one POTS friend’’ and it’s just like. salty food. instead of like. having to sit down?? BEING FATIGUED?? #and like whatever. whatEVER but i wish it wasn’t getting conflated with one particular little way of treating it. even though i use that way #i don’t have needs-a-lot-of-salt-disease. like that’s not the point. that’s not the issue. it’s not a salt deficiency. salt just helps #and it doesn’t FIX it. it just helps. that’s all #ANYWAY EVERYTHING IS FINE. i feel sick though. but i’m gonna sleep and i’ll be fine #i miss before i had a job cause then i could sleep all day if i skipped class and it would be really nice. but now i have a job i would be #missing on my responsibilities for. and I don’t actually have accommodations. but im gonna sleep i’ll be fine #and library book cart is actually so rollator. like as far as being able to walk the library situation is such a win #anyway i’m gonna go to sleep now. but yeah idk i’m sick and a mess what else is new. but i have something whatever i’m good theres something #unrequited love for life or something like that. ok im gonna go to bed sorry for being weird and strange all the time!!!! #me. my post. mine. #delete later

[technologyvoid]

Somebody yell at me to do things

#void chatter #been in bed pretty much all day #(yes it's Monday. yes school goes till 15th. don't ask why i didn't go today) #which also means minimal food and hydration (aha. headache. and dizzy) #and i was planning to start the diamond picture today smh #at least i didn't do anything bad? that was tempting but I'm fine 👍 #well shit. this just turned into a vent oops #tw vent

[hamartia-grander]

So funny to me when people describe their fave fictional male character as "feral" and he's just some guy who grimaces or smirks a lot. My wife, who eats her steak rare with her bare hands, is more feral than him

#And by 'my wife' I mean every actually feral fictional female character I've ever known and loved. I unfortunately don't have a wife irl #dbh #Dbh North #Star wars #princess leia #inquisitor reva #Resident evil #lady dimitrescu #Rey Skywalker would also eat rare steak w her bare hands but she's hardly feral #Rose Tico #She bit Hux's hand??? Feral af I'm in love with her #I'm sorry but Gavin Reed is not feral. He's just not. #He's a bitch he's a pathetic wet dog he's a poor little meow meow he's the absolute worst but he's not feral #Also this post forced me to look up steaks bc idk what the levels are bc I don't eat steak and turns out the red shit ain't blood #According to The Daily Meal: 'Like its hemoglobin #which transports oxygen in blood #myoglobin's job is to carry oxygen through muscle #Myoglobin has a red pigment which is why muscle tissue is red. When exposed to heat myoglobin darkens which is why well-done meat is gray. #When exposed to carbon monoxide or nitric oxide the red pigment in myoglobin 'locks' into place and doesn't darken. #This has a few applications in the world of food science.' End quote. #Pretty fucking cool #detroit become human #The last kingdom #Tlk #Tlk Brida #Brida

[cherry-shipping]

aaaooughhh. cook for me fictional other. fictional other. cook for me

#cherry chats #or just. get me food. pleeeeeeeease im asking so niceys #i didnt. get any food today Cause they freaking forgot me #which. shoulnt be a problem because im almost 19 i should be able to make food for myself #but. as it turns out. i canttttt #and anyway i like to imagine papyrus cooking for me because he loves cooking and i think making food is how he shows he cares 4 ppl….. #or one way at least #blegh. anyway im not gonna go full vent mode on here because who give a shit but. it also makes me feel so STUPID 4 not being able to do #like. basic stuff like feeding myself #so. i think papyrus would like making me stuff to eat and also encouraging me about it #also. hed be good at forcing me to eat in a way that doesnt make me feel bad #ive talked about this before but i feel guilty when i tell people i havent eaten in awhile so i lie and stuff….. #like ‘oh i ate not too long ago so im fine’ and then #‘not long ago’ means like. 3 days. #and it makes me feel guilty and makes other people worry and then THEY feel guilty cause they cant really do anything #but papyrus is cool and awesome and smart so he doesnt make me admit it out loud and he makes me eat stuff even when i dont wanna #but. in a way that doesnt make me feel bad either. hes a master of psychological manipulation But like good #like. i tried a new recipe and you HAVE to taste it and tell me what u think or ill look sooo sad and dejected ^__^ #blarfgh. anyway -_- #i wish my cool awesome bffsie papyrus was here to make me awesome food

[eugeniedanglars]

cooking 4 recipes at once and feeling so fucking victorious over the forces of executive dysfunction until my bastard kitchen forces a hasty retreat (i started overheating because my kitchen has no airflow). but morale is strong and the troops are regrouping as we speak with a plan for a surprise counterattack (sat in front of the air conditioner and chugged water so i can get back and finish the last couple steps that require the stove)

#i really like my studio's layout EXCEPT for the part where the kitchen is on the opposite side from the a/c and windows #and the path between them is blocked by a wall of storage space #which is handy to have but also means the kitchen turns into an inferno in the summer #i do have a fan as well but a) there's not really a good place to plug it in in the kitchen #and b) it's a tower fan so it only cools off my legs anyway #cw: food

[skenpiel]

oh ok. i just figured out what my fucking problem is. its the endometriosis -_-

#every time ive gotten sick lately its been the exact same #like. first almost fever but fever symptoms and sore throat like a cold #and then stomach pain and nausea and all that #i told mama im feeling a bit better and she was like ‘but what IS it???’ #i was like huh. what do you mean isnt it just a somach bug #and she was like no this is totally not just a regular stomach flu #so anyway im sure its the endometriosis i was diagnosed with recently. bleeeghhhh :( #also btw i was looking up what foods are safe to eat shortly after stomach illnessess #and it was all mega lame stuff like fucking. boiled fish and soft white rice #(umm. note both of those are very good. just not what i was hungry for) #and i asked mama anyway and she was like oh they did a study on that turns out the best thing you can eat after stomach flu is just whatever #you wanna like literally anything #which makes sense that your body would make you hungry for what you need #kinda like how when i havent eaten in awhile the number one thing my stomach decides it wants is bread and apples #which is like. yeah that adds up lol #ANYWAY. i guess i just wanted to say im feeling a little better despite my recent swarm of tummy issues #including internal bleeding i guess. but thats apparently been the case for the past 7 years LOL #NOTHING DANGEROUS BTW!!!!!!! it just hurts like a bitch And im gonna get treatment for it soon teehee ^__^

[iloveyoumorethansoup]

So like technically I’m not dating her but yeah I think I do in fact have a girlfriend

#very fun airport date today #we flew out on the same flight and she didn’t have anyone sitting next to her so I moved to sit with her #and then we got to hang out for a couple hours bc we both had a layover and we got dinner #it’ll be weird not having dinner with her. like. we spent practically every day of the last month together #many of nights we made dinner together #or went out to eat #oh and the fact that I stay at her apartment on weekends #and help her study. which actually has almost made me make time for studying #she definitely had me making time for food tho bc tell u what I straight up barely ate before she and I got close #also. she’s like I mean we’re practically dating #i wouldn’t mind at all. in fact it would be nice to not keep calling her my mug friend. mug friend is now code for whatever she and I are #i would date her so fast but my girl is a little afraid I think of the pressure of that. which I don’t mind. I’m perfectly content #man it’s gonna suck not seeing her all break. Jan 5th! cannot come soon enough #she managed to deal with all of my weird quirks and isms never once made me feel bad about them and just overall has been so very patient #bc our first encounter was us making out and I was like god why does anyone do that ever it feels so weird and bad #well it turns out I am incredibly lacking in the physical affection department and I can’t stand anything I’m remotely unfamiliar with #slow and steady wins the race with me I guess and now I understand why people make out and I have a hickey collection on my neck very often #I’m boutta be so very touch starved this break. i wanna go back to college :/ #i literally just got to my house. get me out. i will say it’s nice to be back in the part of the Midwest where people will gladly #hit you with their car if you get a little too in their way. I’m back in the city <3 I prefer when people drive like it’s a blood sport #soup talks

[july-19th-club]

every time i have a really bad bout of insommnia i realize all over again that im not going to be able to trust my ability to sleep for a very long time...the last time i had even a little bit of trouble sleeping was months and months ago, and i was still able to nod off before 1:30am and get a more or less full night's rest. now it's 2:16am, i've got that fluttery feeling of unrest in my chest that i haven't felt, not really, since last summer, and there are so many things in my mind that i feel like i have to take care of that i just can't relax. i nodded off for about an hour and woke up just before 2am and felt immediately a) sick to my stomach b) the sure and certain knowledge that it might be the most sleep i got at ALL tonight and just the thought of that brought me right back to wide awake. maybe it was something i ate today maybe it was the myriad of things that have gone weird this week - have to finish paperwork for my job for fundraising and the boss wants it (very literally) yesterday, so of course my ability to satisfy what he wants has to be hampered by sleeplessness and exhaustion; i've got a fun family gathering all weekend at an amusement park that i've decided to actually go to this year despite ducking out on the three previous years for work reasons and covid reasons and all very good reasons but now i'm going and good lord i'm terrified of getting sick because i'm just too stupid to stay home. and i fucked up and got the weeks wrong for my most recent therapy appointment and i haven't heard back from her when i texted her to ask what the actual date was so i'm just. starting to think she's dropped me unceremoniously and i'll never hear from her again and it's my fault because i should've been more on the ball to begin with. and who i WANT to talk to about all this is the therapist but. well. ive screwed up somehow and i'm terrified to reach out again because what if that just pisses her off? surely this is not the right way to think about that situation but i need her to tell me what the right way IS. and well you can see my conundrum. anyway it's now edging in on 2:30 and the only thing i can think to do is work on my fundraising paperwork now, at 2am, so that if i call off sick tomorrow on account of no sleep and, probably, impending actual sickness because why else would i not be able to sleep? the last time i had this much trouble i was actually sick, like with a flu, so . anyway if i work on the paperwork NOW then i can send it in tomorrow from home and at least i will not be a complete failure of an employee. fuck my stupid baka life

#not encouraged to reblog this one #gOD i feel like i'm either going to have the world's most belch or throw up #and i have no idea why . like what did i eat. was it the hummus for dinner. the spectacular lunch? chicken n basmati #was the chicken not cooked . do i have some kind of food poisoning #that would almost be a relief because it would be a concrete answer for why tonight sucks so bad #and i would be able to not go crazy over it #ive sent my mother like. seven or eight long ass midnight texts. that are basically all just this post. pathetic #and she knows i do this and she's fine with it but she also (for her own sanity. and sleep.) turns her phone to do not disturb at night #and reads my misery ramblings in the morning #and that's fine! i'm cool with it she has insomnia too and since this started i for the first time in my life really appreciate how bad tha #but like.............i NEEd to talk to someone about how scared i am and how shaky my chest feels and how bad it all fucking sucks. #so me and my upset stomach and my ten useless milligrams of melatonin are on tumblr. that bastion of the sleepless and the nocturnal #have love song by mariee sioux stuck in my head which is not a BAD song to have stuck in ur head during insomnia #but i dont want the insomnia to ruin the song u know what i mean

[rainbowrenjun]

aespa came back not that long ago, shinee just finished their comeback, nct dream coming back tomorrow, itzy and the boyz coming back soon and nct 127 and wayv (god willing) slated for a comeback later this year it's a good time to be me

#also very happy about exo coming back but i'm just talking about my bias groups #also i turn 22 in like. a week which means free food and cocktails so yay jdkfhskhn #emily speaks

[nulltune]

#&&. isms #i Have to post this i'm sorry but this is simply #h. a k u n o #SCREAMS #sHE'S BY NO MEANS AN EVIL PERSON OK BUT LIKE #it's that extreme devotion....... #me thinking abt that one quote: #'if there's no one beside you when your soul embarks; i will follow you into the dark' #(sTARTS BANGING MY HEAD AGAINST THE WALL) #she said it herself pretty blatantly too like- #'i was just empty in the beginning; so if you say that you're bad; then i will just dye myself in your colors' #<- SUCH A KILLER LINE BTW I LOSE MY SHIT EVERYTIME I THINK ABT IT SGDKDGFKSHFKEGWHDGWJDB #tho i must say; h.akuno's devotion does lean to dependency and i mean....... it makes sense for her to do so but #it's never healthy to place all of your self worth to someone (cough CODEPENDENCY cough) #which i wish canon would explore a little!!! we do get some crumbs on how extreme it can be so i'm like 👁👁 #I LOVE IT THOOO her feelings for that person is what gives her strength to keep moving forward #and yet it could also turn so terrible and become to her biggest flaw #GOOD FOOD it could've been so neat to explore 😩😩 (I GRIP CANON BY THE SHOULDERS AND SHAKE IT) #-cracks my knuckles- oh well i'll just have to do it in canon's stead VDMCAHFKDHDH #/HJ .....👀