#who i've always had a crush on

[alternianavenues]

Mwah!

(Doodles under the cut)

If the world was ending you'd come over right?

#adisyn agusta #aeilia brevic #fantroll #fantrolls #homestuck oc #hs oc #hs ocs #i forgot i had these! drew them up a while ago #adisyn is my very first fantroll #and I've readapted her so many times #aeilia is more similar to who adisyn used to be before i redesigned her like four times #in that way i find it almost poetic that adiysn would have a big puppy love crush on her #a love she'd never ever give to herself #gifted to someone she believes to be unwaveringly Good #i always end up forgetting to draw Aeilias gills when they're the most important

[uncanny-tranny]

Honestly the dumbest thing about my experiences with queerness is I'd hear people talk about identity and how they navigate queerness and I'd be like, "oh, actually, that matches how I feel to a very weird level. Huh. Guess I'll never know why, though!"

And then a few months later, I'll have a breakdown of, "Holy shit, holy fuck what the hell is happening" before I realize maybe I should have paid closer attention to why I related so much to a queer experience.

The moral of this story is: if you relate to somebody explaining their queerness... there's likely a reason for that.

#queer #lgbt #lgbtq #i'm thinking about the time i incidentally came across somebody talking about their aromanticism and i was like... 'wow i relate.' #and i was then like 'eh i'm not aro tho. i just coincidentally relate to a weirdly specific degree to this aro experience' #spoiler: uh. i'm pretty fuckin aro and i've kinda... always been #anyway maybe don't be like me and let yourself not understand who you are until you cannot take it anymore #because it kinda sucks to have a crisis of identity because you've been kinda... willingly ignoring who you are #i don't say 'willingly' in a bad way just in a... 'please it isn't worth it' way #and i call it dumb because i think i was willingly setting myself up for failure because i didn't fully understand myself #because i didn't fully realize i was aromantic i had forced myself in a lot of situations that i didn't want #and i didn't understand WHY i didn't have crushes or have interest in being in a relationship or why i hated being touched #so i just assumed i 'needed experience' and the lack of experience was why #spoiler ×2: the experience did not un-aro me <3 #it aro-d me MORE lmao

[dykeinthedark]

venting in tags about gender n shit (long as hell) (u can comment and talk 2 me as always :3)

#okay so i got a really masc haircut about a month ago and i know it's just a haircut but holy shit has it changed EVERYTHING for me #like.... i've always leaned masc except 1) before i came out 2) when i was actively in love with someone who i knew liked femmes #and they always described me as a fem. because that's what i showed her. because i wanted to be with her. #but lowkey whenever i'm in a not-impressing-anyone raw-dogging-life-no-crush era i always resort to a very masc style #like masc being my default and i'd only lean fem to impress people whether it's for love or peer pressure in a specific setting #like ''dressing up'' has always been a form of drag to me. like something i HAD to do to fit in or impress my parents (scott favor core) #but ever since this haircut i've realized... i could just BE masc innately like i really don't have to be womanly if i don't want to #which i usually don't. again i have only ever dressed fem for other people. but it's not even being masc that attracts me on its own #it's like. being masc in a distinctly lesbian way. as in whenever i look in the mirror i don't wanna be like a Guy i wanna be a dyke. #like lesbian as a gender identity too sort of thing honestly. okay i've been waffling but basically i sort of want to call myself butch #but i don't know if i like... can?? if i'm allowed to??? #everyone always says it's MORE than just wearing boy clothes and not wearing makeup and having short hair (which i already do all those) #i mean i've always id'd as genderqueer because it literally just means gender weird and i experience gender in a queer way #what's probably the most telling is that my friends (all queer) CALL me a butch lesbian #like every time they do i feel really internally validated. it's not just my clothes but my personality too ig is what people tell me #i have a higher pitched voice relatively speaking but apparently the way i talk is quote ''very clockably into women'' #which?? gender euphoria asf. my best friend specifically he (gay trans guy) always uses butch to describe me very intuitively #people have also noticed that i ''transitioned'' in all aspects except hormonally. like ppl have commented and noticed my masculinzation #but at the same time i always feel rly haunted by my ex relationships because one wanted me to be more masc #(she's the one who came out as straight and would treat me like a man) which i didn't like and i didn't like playing up being fem either #bc now it feels like she (butch) won't believe me if i called myself butch too bc she remembers me being femme #idk i feel like there's her voice in my head all the time that sees everything i do through her eyes (i'm lowkey still in love) #i feel like even though this comes so naturally to me i must be putting on a performance #even though i've actually read stone butch blues and done research into the history and i truly love and id with the culture like i rly do #that im still just a sad imitation of a butch lesbian and can never really be a part of it because i used to enjoy dressing up sometimes #like it's so stupid but can i still be butch if i wore a dress to prom and i think i looked good in it?? #even though i was envious of my friends who wore suits?? that i used to try goth makeup?? that i liked long dresses?? #that i enjoyed stacked necklaces and rings on every finger??? #and tbh ALL OF THAT CAME FROM A CONCIOUS EFFORT TO FEMINIZE MYSELF IN JUNIOR YEAR OF HIGHSCHOOL WHEN I WAS 16 #because omfg it was 2 months before junior prom and i was worried that i was too masc and wanted to get comfortable with being fem

[bunnihearted]

._.

#no to be mean but sometimes i just dont have the energy to make myself like reply to ppl nd try to interact #continiously ppl block me bc i dont reply fast enough or etc etc #nd it's just like damn i tried just to get blocked???? 🥴🥴🥴 #also funny thing in my experience it's mostly girl mutuals who lose patience nd block me #hmmm inchresting 🧐 #anyway im wording this clumsily but like im just so exhausted nd my heart's tired #im tired of building some sort of light online attachment to someone #just to feel crushed when i notice they've blocked me nd i dont even know why??? #also wanna be clear that im referring to ppl i've talked to. not just interactions. sksks 🥴 #i know not everyone will block me nd i know there r nice ppl here but like i dont have the energy to sort thru it all #or take chances bc im tired 😭😭 #i feel bad bc there r ofc very kind ppl who reach out to me nd stuff but in my bones im dejected #like what if i actually do start talking nd i start feeling affinity to u nd slight healthy attachment nd then boom one day u block me??? #i feel mean nd oversensitive complaining abt this but idk 😣 #i liked this mutual nd talking to them but they blocked me nd idk whyyyy what did i do i always do smth y'all gotta fill out a form telling #maybe if i had irl friends i wouldnt care tho im aware im a loser

[fleshdyke]

hchkvgjvfj

#csa warning for tags #goddd being raped at 6ish and brutally bullied is a hell of a combination #i was the one kid in not only my grade but multiple above and below me as well that the boys would dare each other to 'ask out' #absolutely CONSTANTLY. like jesus #by the time i was raped i'd already been bullied pretty badly for a while. including being constantly told i was ugly by all the boys #which is like. a huge reason i was raped in the first place. i still dont know who it was but i can only assume he took advantage of me #being constantly bullied to abuse me. as child rapists so often do #but like i was always the one that would be 'asked out' as a dare bc why would any of them want to talk to me #it was so inconceivable that any of them could want to be near me let alone 'go out' with me. they didn't even bother trying to hide the way #they laughed. like they didn't try to hide it bc they knew no one would do anything #and this happening to me fucking constantly for years on end throughout my ENTIRE childhood. that fucks with you man #like i dont think its even possible for anyone to like being around me at all. let alone find me attractive #there's still never been a single person who's had a crush on me or whatever #like all my friends have stories about annoying boys having crushes on them when they were younger. and what does it say about me that im #the complete opposite. and like it's so stupid because who fucking cares what 10 year old boys thought in 2016 but it really really fucks #you up bad man. like if anyone ever does come to be attracted to me for whatever reason i dont think im ever going to be able to believe it #i'm always going to be waiting for the joke to end and them to start laughing. i'll always be waiting for the other shoe to drop #and the worst part of it all is that i fucking want to be raped again #being raped as a little kid is the only time anyone has ever wanted me. it's the only time i've ever been desired. and i dont even like sex #but it's just the only time anyone has ever loved me in a non parental way #like i have one crush story to all my friends'. and it was a grown man that raped me when i was little #and i want to be raped again so fucking badly not because i would enjoy it but because it would prove that someone actually fucking wants me #i want to be sexually harassed and not in the way i usually am. i want to be catcalled and have to be scared walking around alone #i want men to grope me and say disgusting things and rape me because then i would finally be fucking wanted #it would prove that i'm actually likeable in some capacity. that i still am #im so scared that now that im grown im just a lost cause. because i was only desirable when i was little. now im just nothing #and i know i shouldnt even care but its so fucking hard to shake. i just want someone to love me #and i love my mom so much but i want them to love me because they want to and not because they have to #rambles #vent

[bixiaoshi]

#the more i think abt relationships n having a partner the more convinced i get that i'll never get to experience that loo #lol* for multiple reasons actually #idk i feel like im just not the kind of person ppl would have a crush on you know n for a relationship u need two ppl so #n i feel like that comes directly from the fact that as a teenager no one ever had a crush on me or confessed to me #n like sure relationships aren't everything but not being the person ppl had crushes on during teenager years just. gives u a feeling i #cannot rlly explain you know. the only ppl who understand me is ppl who went through the same as me #n it's so frustrating lol bcs when i want to express how that makes me feel im always hit with 'ohh but you're so pretty' 'but you didn't #miss out much!' 'if you don't look for a relationship it will come!' and it gets so tiring bcs it's always the same over and over!! #like i've never actively looked for a partner n it never came either way!!!!!!!!!! and i'd like to decide if it was worth it or not!!!!!! #idk man being almost 25 and never have been in a relationship did things to me that i don't think i'll ever get over #i convinced myself i'm never gonna get into a relationship to either get those thoughts out of my head or to like prepare myself towards th #future bcs honestly? i just think thats not for me #and it sucks a bit you know? like i'd love to know how it feels to have someone in love with you #i yearn for that but i simply don't think i'm someone ppl fall in love with. never have been and convinced myself i never will #i may delete this but i needed to get it out lol #ppl who never has been in relatiomships n are adults now let's all hold hands 🫴 #jo.txt

[youraveragecatastrophe]

During their confrontation in season 1 episode 8, Shadowsan accuses Coach Brunt of being soft on Carmen. Interestingly, instead of denying, she deflects, saying "we were all soft on Black Sheep before she betrayed us and took a new name".

This lulls the viewer into a false sense of security because she doesn't refute it. Combined with her previous affection for Carmen and her discretion all season long, this makes you believe she's not a threat to Carmen.

Yet she says "we were soft before". A subtle way to imply she's not anymore... As shown in the very next episode.

#carmen sandiego 2019 #cs coach brunt #csweekly #rewatching s1 slowly & carefully & watching all the little things that build up towards that crushing finale: oh no its all coming together #i'm not gonna talk about how the 'we were all soft' is not even true #thats so funny. like only brunt openly cared. shadowsan constantly acted like an ass. the others clearly didn't care about carmen #coach brunt is always projecting her own feelings on other people #(ie the way she truly cares about the others as family and is shocked when it's not mutual) #i knowwww i've already talked about this and you know what. you'll hear it again! #i had already noticed some interesting things regarding her during previous viewings #but i'm surprised by how much i see now that i watch 1 ep a week and take the time to think about them #another one of those fascinating characters who weren't developed as much as i thought they'd be given the hints we got

[wild-at-mind]

I wish I could be a weird queer zine artist :/

#i don't think i can i can't get in the right headspace #i also can't present anything i make right #i think i am weird but it's in a way that's not very interesting or fun for other people to observe #and well...you know how something only counts as art if other people see it and like it? #well i've always had a problem with that too #i used instagram and it's a soul crushing experience getting my 2 likes here and there but i;m not sure an obscure zine site would help #if i even knew about that kind of site even less people would see it then especially if i didn't show it to anyoen in my in person life #who are basically the only people who see my art #being weird and queer in my art and making it interesting for others isn't something i do well at :(

[angeltism]

hmm. something something complaining about crush anonnie being gone. something something somebun should take their place. I mean what.

#➳ the fool speaks #JOKING. SORTA. #i mean as an aeon ) sculpture ) archon ) muse ) painting ) imaginary friend on a fragment level among other things.. #having worshippers ) admirers ) devotees ) etc is an idea that's always in the back of my mind... and comes very much to the front of it #whenever i feel lonely and/or bored!! #also. less whimsical side note im starting 2 assume/firmly believe i know who that anon might've been judging by their sudden disappearance. #that is NAWT a good thing bc i am assuming a being who I've had some rlly shitty feelings about/towards. uhh. crush anon come back and prove #me wrong? /hj

[bunnihearted]

im so stupid for thinking anyone would ever love me

#ever since i was 13 i've longed for 'love' #i watched others around me start going on dates and getting their first kiss getting into their first relationships #i thought 'it's ok. when u start high school u'll have a bf' #but hs came and i watched everyone around me have sex for the first time and get into more serious relationships and fall in love etc etc #i was still alone and unwanted. so i thought it's ok. it's ok. maybe when u get ur first job or get into ur 20s. maybe online. maybe maybe #now im still... alone. and unwanted. i dont think ppl who hasnt experienced this knows how fkn isolating and alienating it is #no one has ever wanted to date me. or kiss me. or have sex w me. or had a crush on me or been in love w me. #i have no idea what it feels when someone touches me. i've never experienced what it's like .. all those things i dont wanna think abt it #i feel so extremely hideous and disgusting. like a disease no one wants to get close to. and why do i still long and ache for it??? #shouldnt i have gotten used to it by now? i fall in love. i want. but i always do it all on my own. hust as im alone in everything. #*just. trying not to kms bc i couldnt press the right fkn letter dumb bitch #i want to.. i want to.. but i dont think im someone who gets to experience these things

[pilotstreets]

god. not to be sad online. but im sad online

#um. sorry i went on a really really long rant abt my emotions in the tags. hehehoho im sad! #im just like. there's no way im getting older. i feel like i haven't changed since i was 14 and i feel so disconnected from everything #my birthday is in like 3 weeks but i keep thinking im turning 15 or 16 again and i'll be able to live my teenage years again and #do it right this time or something but no! that's not how that works! obviously! #when my best friend turned 18 she immediately started saying ''im an adult im different im older'' but like #i think about how i'll be 18 soon and im just scared and im going to be holding onto teenage years and #fantasies about them that will never happen and it's just exhausting #i know i sound like such a dramatic teenager but i AM a dramatic teenager! #i had so much shit happen to me that made me lose out on so much of being a teenager and it's like #crushing that i'll never get those years back and other peoples choices ruined my life before i had a chance to have much of one #and i've missed out on so many experiences that all my friends got and i feel such a barrier between me and other people #for that reason and i also feel a disconnect between me and literally everybody i know #and making friends is literally impossible for me anymore and i just feel like i keep losing friends and one day i'll wake up and #i won't have anyone anymore. and i find it hard to talk to people who were my best friends for awhile and i just fall deeper into this #pit of loneliness every day and there's nothing i can do so i just give up. i dunno #im so tired and im just so so lonely and done with. existing #and im also never anybody's first choice which is always annoying but #and it's just.... heartbreaking to think about how my best friend will never choose me when her other best friend is there and #how when we all hang out they're both actually mean to me and there's just nothing i can do other than text my mom and cry #and it makes me doubt how much she cares if she gets that way so easily y'know? #ugh it's all juvenile problems but they just weigh so heavily on me :/ #okay enough oversharing online for the night im going to sleep now. then tomorrow i'll just #have the same thoughts and it'll only get worse

[no-one-hears-me]

not to sound like an evil hater but I looove it when you dislike someone and then everyone else ends up agreeing with you

#this is about a girl I've known for years and never liked #for many reasons but i will summarize #to start she's always acted like she's better than me and acts like talking to me is charity work or whatever #but she chooses to talk to me I would never willingly do that lol #and then eventually she had a weird crush on my older brother. weird bc of an illegal age difference and he had a gf at the time #she also had a bf for part of this. yet she would always flirt with him and also started treating me weird #like she was mad at me for being closer with my brother than she was???? bizarre #ANYWAYS. more recent news #she started dating one of my friends who is a very sweet guy and everything #and then he broke up with her bc she cheated. she says she didn't cheat and he's projecting #dude barely talks to women so idk who he supposedly cheated with. but anyway. she had a new bf like a week later #and thennnn. she posted a pic with her new bf like happy 3 months. a pic of them cuddling on a couch #except the pic said 4 months ago. she was dating my friend at the time. hmmmmmm #she literally posted evidence that she cheated 😭😭😭 but good news! now people are finally agreeing with me that she's terrible #also I recently found out that she blocks men from seeing her story whenever she posts a pic of a bf. who does that #like the whole point of posting your bf is so everyone knows you're taken #but nowww my brother and our mutual friends and whatnot have finally decided to dislike her! which means yayyy I don't have to see her #Sera

[kyoohyeon]

#I still can't believe you are really gone #I keep glancing at the place you used to be and not seeing you there is as hurtful as someone directly crushing my heart #the realization every time I forget for a second as I walk by just to realize that you're not around is torture #the house feels so silent without your cute little noises walking/running around or drinking water or the random guinea pig noises you used #to make on a daily basis #I miss you so much........ #we used to spend the whole day together and not having that is so hard #you were my little buddy who was always there close to me and just your presence alone felt so comforting #I miss seeing you drinking water and the way you got agitated when it was time for a meal #little things that were part of our routine #you had so much personality for such a tiny being #I will miss all your tantrums for taking a bath and getting your fur brushed #I've never seen any being as cute as you.... you genuinely had the cutest face on earth! #I miss your godlike hair and your baby like self #it really sucks not having you around #I know you were getting older ans was just a matter of time but it doesn't makes things easier #I just hope you are in a better place now #I love you so much #Zyklon

[wonderfulxhappiness]

i've been graduated for 1 day and i already miss hs

#idk i've just been thinking abt everyone #all the in-jokes in class and the chaos we'd cause and everything #in programming esp :) one of my friends would make things in blender and i'd encourage him to make them soft body and other weird things #and so we made a wiggly gun that exploded itself. that was fun #and my friend who i sit next to who i went out for food with and stuff... god maybe i should tell her i have a crush on her? idk #and my team for the game dev project. god. i'll miss them all :( #like i always felt so detached. and yet last night when we were at the lock-in i was explicitly called their friend and asked to sit #with them and do stuff with them... it was so pleasant yanno? #i dunno. it's just interesting. i always saw myself as distant and lonely but i had friends all along. maybe i just am dense #ah well. i'll miss them. but at least i always have fond memories #watching one of them play pokemon on their switch. fucking around in blender. being a menace to my seatmate. #the guy who's making an AI and robots and shit. the girl who did the art for our game. our programmer. the silly commercial #my seatmate made for the game. and that's just programming. the antics in spanish with the freshies and sophomores. #watching movies in psych and working hard while listening to the teacher chatter with students. even yoga had its moments #i dunno. it all feels surreal.

[sevenblues]

the lesbian flag makes me so fucking happy u guys don’t get it

#this rlly is for younger homophobic me who always wanted to kill myself at the thought of marrying a man #honestly the funniest thing i've done at that stage was trying to convince myself that the crush i had on this girl was me wanting to be #really good friends with her and i was so fucking mean to her for her for like no reason #well i wasn't mean i just like ignored her #happy lesbian day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[uiruu]

jesus... Streetlight Manifesto's The Hands that Thieve is 10 years old this year... that's weird to think about. that was such a formative moment for me. i was a junior in high school and had been into Streetlight for years, but the release of this album was huge. i got a bunch of friends together and we drove down to rhode island (we live in new hampshire) to see them play live, and we sang all the words to every single song. that was the first real concert i had been to

i saw them live three times after that too, over the years. in college, i wore a streetlight manifesto shirt (actually toh kay, but that's beside the point) and another kid in the class commented on it, and we became friends. eventually we started dating and we're still together. that was 7 and a half years ago

#it was so formative that i just copied and pasted this and posted it on facebook. i havent really posted on facebook in years #but i know connor and liam might see it #i went to that first concert with those two and my girlfriend at the time and one of her friends #well... initially it was a girl i merely had a crush on and one of her friends. except the roles were reversed #between the time of buying the tickets and going to the concert... me and the friend of the girl i had a crush on started dating #she was my first significant other. it was weird then to go with her and her friend (who i initially invited because i had a crush on her) #did i explain that well enough? let's call them K and B. i asked out K and she said no lol. months pass #we all got into this new streetlight album pretty heavily. i suggested we go see them live. then B and i started dating #was it weird that K was still going then after that? idk lol. we havent kept in touch since high school. wonder where she is now #B and i had a pretty awful horrible breakup a year or two later for unrelated reasons. it was always a pretty bad relationship. #it is weird though that 2 of the 3 significant others that i've had have basically been because of streetlight manifesto lol #it's just that one was a bad relationship and the other is very strong and has lasted for 7 years. going on 8. #streetlight has kinda been the backdrop to a lot of things that happened in my life lol #and to think... somewhere in the between is just way better hahaha. hands that thieve is good but lets be honest here #personal #long post