#will i do much w this? honestly yeah probably

[moe-broey]

I've only read the first volume of Dungeon Meshi but I'm convinced Laios and Marcille are both autistic but two EXTREMELY different flavors of autism, so much so it enables autistic PVP (one sided, Laios is unaware, possibly due to the autism)

#dungeon meshi #LIKE. WITH LAIOS it feels like a v obvious conclusion to come to hc wise but marcille....... #i vaguely know there's some stuff going on where i can guess at a few things (absorbed through osmosis) (as little spoilers as possible) #but to me she is so tryhard autism coded. getting frustrated w herself when she's slower/can't keep up w her peers/friends #physically limited. feeling the need to prove herself/scared of weighing down her allies. needs to do things 'by the books'. #stubborn streak. can accidentally say offensive things due to bluntness/overcompensation becoming an ego #she's even a picky eater. #meanwhile laios said 'hyperfixating isn't enough i need to eat it' and he fucking meant it. #honestly you could probably make an argument for any of them (main cast) being autistic. as with an hcs in general LMFAO #so much love for senshi as well. epitome of being an older dude w a niche interest and seeing an autistic young man #and going 'yeah okay. i can take you under my wing.' #all of this is so real and HAS happened to me (even being plucked up by an old man who noticed my aimless demeanor and put me to work)

[bmpmp3]

drawing lots of dramatic lias. shes going hauntinggirl mode

#art #traditional art #watercolour #oc art #ocs #oc group: lia crystal darling #oc: lia #i dont have any purple paints in my current watercolour set which is surprising because i am a big convenience colour guy #like im so lazy about mixing colours i'll fudge it with layering half the time #so i make purple with some permanent rose and an ultramarine #makes a beautiful vibrant purple as its a red toned blue and a blue toned red together #but also something about maybe the pigment densities? and/or maybe because the rose is a different brand from the ultramarine #and they have different formulas (the rose is w&n and the ultramarine is sennelier and i know sennelier has honey in there LOL) #but like when i mix them if i put in enough water as it dries the pigments bloom and slightly separate and pool in such like #beautiful and interesting ways #other paints will do that a bit but these two do it so wonderfully that i honestly probably never will get a purple LOL #i like my mixed purple too much kkjraelfjrklfedjfkda #so yeah ive been on a purple kick 1) because im in the lia zone and thats like her image colour HJKFDSJFD #BUT ALSO 2) im having too much fun with weird pigment shenanigans #that ultramarine blue deep just does whatever it wants. drags the permanent rose around with it. awesome

[redstrewn]

I wonder if vere doesnt get w anyone bc its just too easy to stop caring about others (im projecting)

Edit: no hes probably too passionate for that. He doesnt wanna get w ppl bc he knows he'll be a slave to love probably.

His fatal flaw is wanting power so love would be a weakness

#lets gooooo selfish monstrosity #redstrewn talks #i can stop caring about things and people SO easily its honestly scary #i was only a little less obsessed w other fandom and characters as i am w touchstarved now. and now? i dont think abt them at all anymore #same w some people. some people i forget exist at all. #my exes? its so scary how once i let go of them i completely let go. like i dont feel anything at all. do i hate them? theres #something to hate w everyone but mostly i just dont CARE #shaking how ppl say the opposite of love is not hate but *indifference.* i am screaming. #vere is a hater thou. maybe he loves TOO much. #tbh maybe vere doesnt get w anyone bc hes scared of being TOO attached #maybe hes scared of being a slave to love bc he will ALWAYS be hungry and NEVER satisfied and he doesnt want to be under #the mercy of something else like that #yeah its probably more of that and not the shit i was projecting onto him lmfao #vere gives me the vibe of someone whos TOO passionate for things #hes fiery like that #hes too passionate he knows not to care abt people or else it will consume him. or something.

[jiimwii]

cyberpsychosis could maybe be so cool if it was people being possessed by some sort of rouge ai,or as part of a corporate conspiracy. like as a planned obsolescence thing where certain parts during production are programmed to make people Do That after a certain point so you have to buy the next new 20,000eddies cannon arms to replace the nearly identical previous model or else you might kill everyone you love and die because your cyberwares "outdated". or untraceable viruses infecting competing corporations cyberware using their rival's customer's livelihoods to sabotage their profits. and maybe any one of those things works in such a way that its designed to detect atypical brain chemistry in a host,and thus triggers more frequently with them to tage advantage of and use those people as a scapegoat and a way to further fear monger against them,and you can uncover that this is the case. or something along those lines. and the more cyberware someone has the more likely it is that they could encounter any of these scenarios. but no it is just #crazy people being too #crazy.

#they kinda toyed w something like that in earlier drafts. with dollchips and the project ghost thing thats too much to explain in tumbletags #but yeah #honestly w how little its present in the final game beyond Go Herd Them Up And Beat The Shit Out Of Them So They Can Recover In Therapy #Offscreen In An Optional Sidequest With Literally No Conclusion they couldve easily just retconned its existence in the world entirely #especially since really the only reason why it exists in the lore in the first place is so the humanity system in the ttrpg keeps your #character from becoming too overpowered from too much cyberware. like thats it. #but for how much they dont wanna flesh out any other conspiratorial type stuff for the sake of ''It is a Mystery👻'' #and how much they went with ''idk where cyberpsychosis comes from we dont know if its even real'' ingame #edgerunners and mike pondsmith himself sure have a lot to say about it and exactly how it works #we cant even leave that up for interpretation for players to find some way into coping themselves into believing its not as weirdly ableist #as it is #and we cant do anything else with it that would actually be cool. or make sense. in universe and just logically. #however. im a dumbfuck and am not beyond thinking about how like. in a hypothetical scenario where melissa welles is still around #And jackies bled out corpse is still used for the arasaka supersoldier program and is going around killing people.i cant not think about ho #mama welles would have to handle both of her kids dying and also going on rampages out of (mostly) anyones control. like think about that. #heart wrenching and whatnot. could you fucking imagine with everything else shes been through. #anyway sorry for talking about things that very literally probably less than a dozen ppl know/care about its just. interesting. #i froth over the potential that it had #that im tricking myself into believing that it had

[exopelagic]

okay facing consequences of my actions

#I thought I’d gotten away with it this time #okay it’s 3am and I may have discovered something that completely ruins me #everyone is asleep so I can’t tell if this is me being sleep deprived or not! #so I need to sleep now but I haven’t cleaned my code up or written my answers #I do Not have time #if I don’t sleep now I’m gonna be having a bad time tomorrow morning and I am significantly less productive rn than I could be #with other people around I kinda need that y #so I should go to bed. but also. this code needs cleaning. but also. even if I fall asleep now I’m only getting like 5 hours MAX #I need a good few hours tomorrow morning to have a shot at doing this properly #so it would be more useful to sleep now and wake up as early as possible than keep going tonight bc I’m not going to finish tonight #okay. fuck. I hate this #if I could think straight I’d be able to fix this easy which is probably a good reason to sleep #it’s just an annoying logical problem that I gotta follow through bc currently I’m stuck between three possibilities and there might be more #I have these two rasters and I gotta calculate the area overlap #the first method counts the number of presence points in each (probably) and then counts the number in overlap raster w manually set values #the second counts total predicted points and points where they’re predicted to be alone and does a calculation with that for each species #that one with all points from both species + pseudoabsence. vs method 3 which does that with just individual species coordinates #method 1&2 are now homologous now I JUST caught the logical error but method 3 is what he gave us #but actually he might have fucked up in not including pseudoabsence #i don’t know if method 3 works for two different species either honestly #it gives me results I like much more (my overlap is 100% for one of the species and that shoooouldnt rlly happen even if it’s possible) but #I think it might actually just be wrong because it can’t account for #wait so the line is taking the prediction for all coordinates for each species for each species’ initial coordinates. and not pseudoabsence #and that set of predictions for each species coordinate set is then taken and yeah it’s no longer comparable you can’t count each alone #not with two different species bc you need an overlapping dataset to do that OKAY I have solved that logical problem my initial method works #which is annoying bc the result sucks but whatever I checked the rasters and it’s actually identical so #okay now I’ve figured that out. twenty minutes later. sleep I think it’ll help most #luke.txt

[mattodore]

made some changes to mattodore's sims so now i've been flipping back and forth between screenshots of their newer vs. older versions for the last ten minutes trying to decide if i wanna keep the changes or not. agony. pain. grief AND wailing. slings and arrows.

#river dipping #have i slept at all? no #i originally opened the sims just to test out the changes i made to my cas bg w/ the help of vyx <333 #um but well. then i was spinning theo around in cas and i realized how crazy it is how little skin details he and matthias have #so i finally started going through all the categories and added things here and there... i added some shading to theo's face #and then i was like wow that looks great let me do the same to matthias but... looking at him now i'm thinking not djkfghkf #he's too pale for that i think it makes him look... idk off. so i'll probably be completely reverting matthias's sim back #but theo.......... he looks SOOOO much better now #i FINALLY went in and gave him an overlay for his body which i hadn't done... for whatever reason? #honestly matthias needs a new one as well but i think i'll have to make him a custom blend for him so his face isn't layered over. ugh. #i also need to make his skintone ww compatible so i might do those both at the same time... 😑 #then again i say this but ykw i still haven't done? fix the color of his eyebrows despite saying i was gonna do that days ago. #i'm a liar. i lie. #………………… <- posts i was in the middle of writing nearly seven hours ago and fell asleep on before posting #and now i’ve woken up with futile devices by sufjan stuck in my head so yeah. today’s gonna be a crazy one probably #good morning i guess djfhfgsgdf

[bravewolfvesperia]

/ realized I forgot to put this in my bio and will add it later but

heads up that my Yuri is a combination of JP Yuri and dub Yuri, but primarily JP. there's a whole lot of nuance to Yuri that got left out of the dub (and seeing as he has waaay more content in JP due to the vast amount of crossovers/Tales crossovers/gachas he's in, it's a lot easier to keep Toriumi's take on him (and in depth understanding no less!) in mind). overall you get the same general person, but the dub left out a lot more his casual/playful side in vocal tone, preferring to go for the "edgy cool adult" concept despite, well, the JP version of him intentionally being quite opposite.

(on another note, context I use for Yuri involves nuances found in the drama CDs that are a condensed retelling of the game (before some original stuff) as well as his childhood novel which has voiced dialogue for his child and teen years. this post covers the game, but a lot of (especially internal) stuff for my muse may be heavily affected by his backstory too which is unfortunately completely absent in the actual game itself)

there's also a lot of back and forth between him and other characters that really lost their depth in the dub (ex. Yuri being much more gentle and soft with early game Karol when Karol was convinced nobody would believe him and that he was a failure, or his banter with Flynn being a lot more relaxed and significantly less annoyed with a better understanding of each other). I'll be retaining anything the dub yeeted out for whatever odd reason regarding his relationships.

(one particular grievance of mine is in the Flynn jailbreak scene, where Yuri is basically saying "you're just dying to abandon me" and Flynn starts off with "that's right" before basically saying the same thing - i.e. they both know it's not true and Flynn is going along with it because That's Them, to which Yuri responds with a solid and fully accepting "yeah" (no hesitation, no concern over it, as he prioritizes Flynn's life over his own).

another extremely strong grievance I have is the port scene - oops also with Flynn - where he's basically holding back tears asking for answers in desperation, which was extremely if not outright completely lost in the dub where he only sounds angry and not just utterly hurt. dub Yuri? I could believe he might kill Flynn if it came to that. JP Yuri? forget it, he would hold back at the last second and couldn't go through with it. that's genuinely the level of difference that was present between both audios.

that said, I love Troy Baker's performance itself - I just think he was unfortunately deeply incorrectly directed for several of his major scenes, and also unfortunately, some of those cases were involving some of his most important relationships)

if any of y'all play Vespy any time soon, I fully recommend giving it a shot with its original context at least once (if you're playing the DE version there's an option for JP audio)! even if you don't understand JP, at the very least the tone won't be lost on you! from what I've heard apparently there wasn't much communication between the directors on both sides, so a lot of Yuri got lost in the localization (and Karol's screaming is glorious in JP lbh).

tl;dr Yuri really is just a silly little guy and he's really not that cool or serious. he's a dork. he's a dummy. and he's easily embarrassed about it. get deep enough into his feelings for Flynn when they're not in a life or death situation and he'll completely cave in embarrassment.

#{ bravewolf mun } #/ honestly it's also easier this way bc Vesperia has A FUCKING TON of side content #but Yuri in particular also does and a gigantic chunk of it is /voiced/... and we don't get that side content in the west #as a side note Yuri even has a ton of small breaths/sounds he makes in JP around his dialogue that got lost in the loc too #there is a lot more going on in that silly little brain than I feel the loc let on #also he's way more pouty in JP and that's automatically a win with me for him LOL #but yeah we get so much side content that like... I probably haven't even gotten through all of it yet #I'm in the process! but I still have not cleared Everything yet (it rly is a lot!). it just kinda automatically adjusts my brain to JP Yuri #bc it's what I hear constantly when I indulge in non-game content for him #and honestly there's enough content out there for Yuri that I'd sooner trust Toriumi's thoughts on Yuri #than I would anyone else except the lead scriptwriter for Vespy #bc he's been voicing Yuri content THAT MUCH for THAT LONG #I would kill to pick Toriumi's brain about Yuri bc he's done an INSANE amount of vocal work for him #that said when I write I do hear a combination of Troy and Toriumi don't get me wrong (Troy's performance is stellar w what he was given!) #it's just that I'm including JP exclusive nuances to my muse that may come across as like #“wait that wasn't in the game was it?” but like yeah it was the loc just whoopsied a lot on Yuri /

[welcometogrouchland]

Also after scrolling through the hollow mind tag for a bit- I know it was definitely hunter's episode (the grimwalker reveal, his panic attack, him fleeing belos AND the owl house) BUT CAN WE TALK ABOUT LUZ. AND BELOS. CAN WE TALK ABOUT LUZ AND BELOS FOR A MOMENT PLEASE

#ramblings of a lunatic #toh #the owl house #BELOS IS SO FUCKING SMUG. ABOUT MANIPULATING A CHILD. HE IS WITH HUNTER TOO BUT HE ACTS LIKE IT'S SUCH A ''gotcha!'' W/ LUZ #AND SHE FUCKING BELIEVES HIM. SHE SPENDS THE WHOLE EPISODE SO WELL INTENTIONED BY PUSHY AND NAIVE #BUT BY THE END SHE'S JUST. SHATTERED #he thinks they're the same because she's a human. he thinks she's the same as his brother because she's a human ensnared by witches #and she parallels both the wittebane brothers in certain ways but not the ways belos thinks she does #he doesn't realized that despite being hundreds of years younger than him- luz is a version of phillip who actually grew up #and hollow mind is such a big painful part of her growing up i just. HHHHGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! #man belos' whole deal is just. it's so much. it's so much you guys #local protestant somehow managed to introduce an islands worth of ppl to the concept of catholic guilt!!!! fucked up!!!!!! #idk I'm a bit head empty rn (or at least I'm not super duper coherent) i mostly appreciated all the subtle touches and the lore this time #(like how hunter describes his family as being wiped out because they ''knew too much'' and ''got themselves hurt''- #-like. he's just describing caleb. HE'S JUST DESCRIBING CALEB GOD!!!!! BELOS PROBABLY TOLD HIM A VERISON OF THAT STORY SAYING CALEB WAS- #-HUNTERS DAD OR SOMETHING I JUST. AGHH!) #but like. yeah. it's. its a good episode #i once saw someone say that they think before the great shortening hollow mind was intended to be the s2 finale #which i think is honestly a good theory considering it's kind of toh's thesis statement and biggest show of what it can do #pushing the characters and themes to their logical extremes and popping off with the writing and art direction #i could talk more but also. i couldn't. no notes #my only wish is that the collector got to rhyme more because it scared me so much the first time #(what with the secret code poems and the acrostic poems hidden in the titles. i was like WAIT A MINUTE) #idk we've talked before about ways that s3 could open and how it could parallels past moments in the show #what. what if it opened with the collector reciting a poem that recaps the series til now????? oooh wait that's juicy #even just as a trailer audio it'd be neat #(or a theme song takeover if disney cared abt marketing this show jdbdjsbdkf) #anyway yeah. the gay little witch show is kicking my ass rn!

[trans-li-ling]

I think we should give Zora a gun and whatever happens to the Shadow Decree happens

#dislyte #Listen I'm going to be honest. I like a lot of shadow Decree characters. But also. #Given the chance I would kill them off in story because of how much I hate them. #Mainly the fact a good chunk of them are like. Okay with child murder? Like hello #The union 100% deserves criticism (hi Luo Yan the cop who got fired bc he thought the law was beneath him what's up w u being here) and #Tiye's story is. Whoooo boy. The union definitely has An Interest In Branding #But again. Orphanage burning was A Thing That Happened #And ofc there's the meta view of like... What are the bad guys ideals? Are they only evil bc they're extreme? And I try 2 keep that in mind #But like the Shadow Decree is kinda... Just full of selfish people. Ofc some ppl are more sympathetic but all of them Are Selfish #Honestly Bonnie is like the only one who stands out to me as like... Yeah the union failed her community and she's rightfully mad #Most of the others lost like. One person either to the union or just thought the shadow Decree would let them get revenge and #It's a case by case thing like some of them probably feel like they have nowhere else to go and that's understandable but the initial #Actions they took were selfish and I feel like dislyte puts too much into making the characters surface level sympathetic (Ophelia) rather #Than grappling with if they view themselves as good people or if they're disappointed in themselves or if they don't care #(forgot to say earlier Jiang Jiuli n Jiang Man r valid in hatred though like the union directly fucked them over and it's understandable #That they fucking hate them so like it's more grey) #(also this is why like... Nicole n Cecilia r some of my faves they don't give a shit they just wanna fuck stuff up and I can respect that) #And Catherine is actually well done because she's full of hatred and even if she has soft moments shes just. Mean as hell! #LYNN I love Lynn but girl you know about the orphanage burning right???? Right??????? #Anyway how well known is the burning of the union? Iirc it was both the HQ and the Orphanage so do ppl only know abt the HQ or both or???? #Anyway the union is flawed but trying unaffiliated espers are similar and the shadow Decree is 90% people who are selfish and toxic and #Really fucking annoying. I fucking hate Ophelia so much you have no idea I want to throw bricks at her. #Anyways Zora is the best character and deserves free therapy and a lifetime supply or tiramisu and a gun #JASPER TRIED TO FUCK W THE UNION WITHOUT JOINING YHE CHILD MURDER ORGINIZATION

[haemosexuality]

these past few days i have been uncharacteristically. emotionally open. w my friend and it has me thinking about how truly for all of my life i just did not expect anything from anyone

#like since i was a kid i just accepted in my head that all the ''friends'' id have were ppl who either were just putting up w me (probably #bc they had no one else and i was like. what was available) or ppl who cared ab me yeah but i was still their second or third choice #and i was just like. yeah ok. i can survive w that. like consciously i made the choice to hang out w people i knew didnt really like me #bc it was better than not having anyone to talk to #did it hurt any less when those ppl eventually stopped talking to me or i learned theyve been talking about how annoying i am to others? #no it didnt. bc i still cared about Them and had Them as my first choice. but i just thought. thats just how it is. im jist not really #likeable. so ill take what i can get #when i was like 7 or 8. i had one friend at school. and she had like some issues at home or smth idk but sometimes she would just start. #treating me badly or just ignoring me for months at a time. and its not like it deeply traumatized me or anything i honestly didmt remember #this fact until like last year but the thing is that i just. accepted it. i was just like yeah ok for half of the year or so my only friend #will act like she hates me and ill have no one to talk to. thats fine. ill just wait until next year when she likes me again. at age 7. and #now im just like what the fuck man why did i just accept that as my life. through all my childhood and then with other friends in my teen #years why did i never not once try to do better for myself. yknow? #when i was 11 and in another school my best friend suddenly started not talking to me. after a month or so of this i decided to invite her #to my house to play like we had done so several times before and she just looked at me like she was confused i was talking to her at all #and said ''why?''. and i was just like. ok. thats that i guess. genuinely why did i just accept these things #and like yeah i have friends that i feel Get me now and one i love just so much and i can tell loves me back but theyre online. i dont talk #to anyone irl. i dont know how. and im happy im so happy but im also scared that im just doomed to be extremely lonely forever irl #because i am legit just not likeable. not to be a weird a weirdo but yeah im just too different from ur average person my age i cant #connect with them in any way. and i also dont know how to talk to people or make friends or to find people that are like me. ill just #not have anyone forever #i guess #especially bc now i dont hate myself enough to hang out with people i dont like so like. i dont even have that as an option skdbskdjks #Every friend i ever made happened bc the other person reached out to me first and insisted on it. all the friendships that stuck were the #gay autistic/adhd weirdonerds who can relate to my hyperfixations and dont expect me to act Normal™. idk how to find the former group irl #and have never once iniciated a friendship. my fate is to be someone who has online friends only and exclusively #and dont even get me STARTED on the topic of having a girlfriend someday- #anyways. certified magnus archives moment

[lesbianlenas]

one thing i really do hate is that like. the amount of work i have put in to be where i am academically does not translate so apparently in my transcript for ex. like yes i have a 3.81 gpa & i graduated w the highest honors at my school but like. i did that while also having severe depression and undiagnosed adhd for the first 3 yrs of college but it’s like. that doesn’t matter ykwim. like i am judged on the same level as someone who did those things w/o having severe mental illness at the same time & it’s frustrating to me bc i know that if i didn’t have mental illness i would have done even better. unfortunately the education system says fuck you if u have mental illness so like 😩

#michelle speaks #genuinely bc like. ppl w/o mental illness do not understand how debilitating it is to have it #like if u don’t have executive dysfunction u cannot comprehend how hard it is to get work done w it #so it’s like i can say all i want yeah i had to overcome my mental illness to do this well in school #but it means like nothing bc at the end of the day ppl only care abt what ur grades r not how u got them #but honestly for the best for me bc i probably shouldn’t go somewhere super competitive if i can’t handle it #i mean this in like. idc really. it’s just frustrating to me overall how much mental illness is disregarded ykwim…..

[bmpmp3]

dysgraphic artiƨts risɘ UP!!!!!

#raise your pencils!!!! and erasers. to fix the backwards letters 😔 #sorry still thinking about my weirdness with my art professors. yknow a lot of em have been really pushing us as #students to make our personal identities a major part of like our 'brand' as artists #which. well from an art history major perspective thats a very contentious and nuanced topic. i love a lot of artists who live this way #and i think its great seeing my peers who focus on identity thrive. but also as an fine arts major (double major fool LOL) #i keep getting pushed by teachers into like. specific '____ artist' identities??? #specificaly woman artist. which is a little bizarre because im a bit fat and a bit gnc so im generally like. ungendered? in day-to-day life #(which doesnt actually matter to me directly that much honestly LOL people tend to view me as like. buddy? buddy or pal.) #(not man. not woman. not anything human. sometimes i remind people of a beloved dog. which. hkdsahjk thats its own can of worms) #(a can of worms that also doesnt matter much to me directly because im a wannabe furry who chose to be the dog when playing house as a kid) #(LOL so um. well. theres that) but yeah i dunno i dont really consider myself a woman artist. its been. shockingly (and sometimes luckily?) #irrelevant to most of my life and experiences and art (although dont get me wrong misogyny is very real and very present) so i dont #have a whole lot to say about it from an art perspective. you could also call me all kinds of things. a queer artist. a mixed race artist #again technically correct. some aspects more visible in my work than others. but also very technical. i focus on race a lot in in my #art historical work but i dunno how much my drawings have to say. except that i keep making too many mixed ocs LOL #i dunno i just think my professors gotta focus that energy away from tokenizing me and over to supporting like actual #capital W Woman artists capital Q Queer artists capital A Artists of Colour who are doing far more interesting things than I #far more thought out and engaged in these topics directly. i just kind of stumble into my art blindly and confused <3 #sorry that was a long tangent WHAT IM SAYING Is despite all that: i do consider myself a capital D Dysgraphic artist #i think its an unmovable constant of my art and the way i draw and the way my hands move. the untrained eye doesnt seem to be as aware #of it directly. but those who are familiar can probably see it. the dysgraphia LOL if not just from whenever i write a letter or number #half of them are busted and frantically fixed HDKJSDJDS but its in all my art. if u can see it <3 ive been trying to embrace it #dygraphic artists raise your pencils indeed!! and throw away the eraser!!! make the legibility of your words everyone elses problem!!! #what does that say? what is that sketch? none of my business! none of your business!! its the business of my hand and the pencil alone #motor skill and spatial issues take the wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel

[zemnarihah]

much to think about.

#i had lunch w my sister today and she was talking abt our dad and abt how him being like emotionally abusive made her a huge people pleaser #and she was like yeah i think you didnt get that as much #you were always the one who stuck to your guns or just didnt talk to him #and at first i was like what bc i literally dont think anything i ever did could be rlly described as actually sticking to ones guns i alwa #felt like i was so avoidant of any conflict w him bc yk i was like. terrified of him. but i was thinking abt it and compared to her i think #like yeah actually shes right? bc i would avoid conflict w him but i did that by like fully cutting off our relationship as much as #possible and she did it by trying to please him all the time. which probably neither were that healthy obviously they were jsut like. our #instincts for how to protect ourselves yk. but the thing is for the past few months i thought i had been learning how to not be so scared #of making ppl mad and to be more assertive and stuff. but i think actually i probably have always had that strength maybe it was just. #kinda beaten down for a while since standing up for myself always made things worse. so the other option to not allow him to treat me like #that was to cut myself off from him. But i still did that yk? idk. #like i was thinking more abt it and #i was the one who left the church at 18. after i moved out but i did. and i didnt hide it after that. my sister has apparently been mentall #out for years now and nobody in our family knows but me. bc she is so scared to disappoint him. and like idk. i always was like why couldnt #i get out earlier bc i know so many ppl who just said fuck you im not going anymore at like 14 or smth and i was like why couldnt i do that #but i guess looking at it from my sisters pov our situation was just really fucking hard. and i guess im realizing i was honestly a lot #stronger and braver than i thought i was that whole time. idk. #lol its like bittersweet. bc it makes it so much more real that it was actually super fucked up. the way we grew up. like i think sometimes #the easiest thing is for me to go haha yeah my dad was kind of a dick and whooaaahhh so crazy i grew up mormon hahah! but its like no that #was fucked up. but look at how i made it through that yk. its kind of making me. idk. develop some more respect for myself i guess #idk idk #ignore me i am just journal posting . lol #exmo tag

[noxtivagus]

hdkfjalskdf just thinking of. video games or wtvr stories in general n my heart is just so full of them :((

#🌙.rambles #thinking of hermes again T_T n then.. gbf oh my godddd wmtsb WHAT MAKES THE SKY BLUE #i wna write. like. original stories or idk stuff w characters i like or. idk really just anything ! #bcs everyday when i go through every single day there's just. so much in my mind that #last year managing all that was so tiring esp bcs my sleep was so messed up but this year is different #since i've been sleeping much better so i have more energy to manage it better but #it's still. very overwhelming but yeah basically i can manage it better #being productive w school or wtvr but at the same time idk! there's so much i want to do n so much i do at the same time #whenever i just go through my day normally i notice mundane things that give me inspo? n then everything in me or around me invokes like #idk i think a lot of stories n i really soar high w that but i'm also firmly rooted to the ground n #it's just confusing bcs it's overwhelming but i manage somehow wtf i think maybe i'm just more sensitive to all these things rn #i don't know how to write it properly bcs i can't relate myself to others that much bcs i don't. interact w a lot of kinds of people #mostly just observing n then even w the friends i have #i'm srs not very social i don't typically go out of my way to message ppl but it's not bcs i don't like it. nah i really genuinely like it #but. IDK HOW TO SAY IT BUT YK.. i'm introverted fr n also rlly shy n anxious at times :c #but honestly it also depends bcs ik i have apollo after all n i think our relationship as twins is. really special in this lonely world :^) #idk what i'm saying anymore but. i'm just overwhelmed oh my god #I SHOULD PROBABLY LET MYSELF REST PROPERLY EVEN FOR A BIT BCS THAT'S NECESSARY BUT #oh my god hdfjaksldfjsd when i think of how i cld always make better use of my time i can't let myself rest properly #it's not just. taking time off doing stuff that's rest. it's also resting the mind bcs i can't. goddamn rest. w my mind like this #most of the time when i do things i srs can't help but think of how i cld always improve or do better #stuff that r more.. creative? idk but like less than school assignments or. achievements in video games #while that gives me a sense of satisfaction i want to sort of 'complete' everything #thinking of stories n what they mean to me n only me comforts me more bcs there's no true right or wrong w them #just.. me. that sort of freedom n escape from those systems or wtvr that drain me so much #either way i still perform well enough BUT ITS SO DRAINING I SHLD STOP THO BCS I HAVE SMTH TO DO AAAAA #i'll fix myself later. i cld say that better bcs it's not like there's exactly smth 'wrong' with me? idk i'm not sure #tbf emotions r Irrational n human so all in all i'm being too harsh on myself but still hfkdajfklsdfj #life's just. so complex. its depth is so. yh. oh my god that said though i do have to do some school stuff rn so i'll put this away for now

[clericlost]

lately i’ve been feeling so much like. cheering clapping applause to be here with y’all but all the enthusiasm is stuck in a snowglobe that i can’t figure out how to break cause it’s made of fear pain agony because social anxiety every time i log on :/

#out. #negative // #it sucks to experience but honestly it sucks more than like. i know people are here to have fun and often write better when #they can actually get along w their writing partner? #and i hate that this Thing is just in the way of me and everyone else but idk how to get rid of it #it's just Paralyzing like i just get stuck and it feels impossible to shake myself out of it #and then i feel anxious about THAT lmao so. wondering if i need to just throw the towel in instead of doing this to my partners jdskfs #like i logically know it's not That big of a deal but i also know it can feel so discouraging to be excited abt smth and not feel it back #but it's not even the feeling it back that's the issue! it's just talking w people idk why my brain just flatlines over it but it's so bad #lately. when i'm in a good headspace i'm the exact same way and LOVE when i can iron down my interactions to ppl i just Enjoy being around #but when i'm in a bad headspace it's so hard to do anything other that hide in ic replies indefinteily #even with people i'm so so comfortable with cause it is very much a state of being that stems from Me not anyone else #idk. i just feel shitty for ghosting but then i feel too shitty to fix it :/ #wish i could psychically link w all of you so u could know how happy i am to write with you #idk why it's so hard to translate ooc one on one #idk why it's like there's an actual physical wall in my brain stopping me most of the time #social anxiety fucking sucks i guess lol #yeah....... killing it w my mind #i know it's probably just made worse by my recent caffiene addiction but it'll probably be a while before i can kick that shit so #idk if i should quit while i'm barely ahead or just. try to be okay with ic replies #but i Hate that cause it feels like such bad rp etiquette like. i don't wanna rp like that lol #but idk how else to while i'm like this :/ #which probably means i should take a break!! but i selfishly don't wanna lose more writing partners than i already have but then #i guess either way i might lose some people but at least if i took a break it'd feel like less shitty of a reason #ugh...... #too much to think about on a sunday afternoon

[astrxealis]

it is so weird being a mentor now ... ;O

( tags got really sentimental at the end WHEEZE beware if you check T___T )

#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚ #i like it though !! :O + it looks cool AND i love helping people out hehe #i've been joining a lot of pfs and helping ppl mhmhmhm super fun <3 #it's weird though bcs now i see stuff for like ... nier/eden raids First Time/Unsync/Sync wtvr but. Man. i was literally There #it's weird but ?? just in a sentimental way :O like how i now seem like those mentors w rlly nice glams and all ?? #that i used to be like Wow at when i was newer to the gave ... then again i'm almost 2 years into this game >< crazy to think honestly #⋯ ꒰ა ffxiv ໒꒱ *·˚ #i do believe that ffxiv's story is something i wish for those i love to try out :'O hehe it made me genuinely overjoyed when my irls started #altho they DO have good taste with one liking persona (3 4 5 and not just 5!!) and the other w. a LOT #including nier and fire emblem and elden ring!! i love them /p they are my bro while the other is my bestie <33 #hm. i might get off track so i'll get back onto what i'm actually rambling about GBJSHDBHG #i do savage... ultimates... pvp... gpose and glamour :O i just don't do rp HJSDHGJ not yet at least >< #idk it just. man i'm pROUD OH MY GOD I JUST SAW GAWR GURA IN GAME uh yeah anyways yeah i'm really proud #here i am now literally doing some of the hardest content in game. when back in ... even shb nier e9s etc OH MY GOD... #first time doing e5?? i think it was e5. i literally was on the floor for most of the fight LMAO and back then as drg #i didn't know my goddamn rotation and didn't. use geirskogul (i forgot spelling sorry) until it was time for red dragon phase ... man #and now. yeah!! idk it's sentimental hours :'> wahhhh i'm really proud of myself for coming this far hehe #and i have to thank a lot of it to ffxiv in more ways than one T___T that game really is the epitome of Not Just A Game for me #it's helped w my social anxiety and anxiety and self esteem and inspiration and so much more including my probable. depression #and uhhhhhhh yeah yeah yk what connects to that HAHA so yeah as you can tell endwalker hit me SO hard #literally the only thing i couldn't relate to in endwalker is having lost a loved one bcs i have not yet... but i can. understand yeah :')) #ybghbhshjhbhdb idk i just think i deserve the biggest hug :] and even if no one will give it to me except for myself #i think that's enough. at the very least <333 #it's probably not obvious but. i still struggle with those kind of feelings a lot ... but i'm really proud of how strong i am >_< #i think loving yourself isn't really like. necessarily All The Time. i have my downs but generally i'm proud and glad to say that i love me