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olliya · 4 years

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Readers‘ engagement on AO3

This time it will be less scientific, and more like me writing down my stream of consciousness. But the methodology was really straight-forward, so I think I can spare us the details, and I wanted to show you a detour I made trying to untangle the reasons behind certain fandom reactions. Join me for a trip?

AO3 is rather infamous for its lack of readers engagement (see all the initiatives supporting the commenting: @ao3commentoftheday, @longlivefeedback), at least among the fics and writers I am in contact with (and I do pay attention to the stats, you can believe me 😉 ). Nevertheless, some people feel very comfortable on this platform and for quite some time already I wondered what leads to such diametrically different writers’ experiences.

I started with analyzing Comments for Sakura’s ships. Since I did the same analysis for four Sakura’s ships: SasuSaku, NaruSaku, KakaSaku and MadaSaku on ff.net, we can have a direct comparison, especially as the time scope of existence Pairing Option and AO3 as a platform are very similar, and fic numbers are also comparable.

Very briefly: I sorted the fics into the following bins: >500 Comments, 201-500 Comments, 101-200 Comments, 51-100 Comments, 21-50 Comments, 11-20 Comments, 6-10 Comments, 2-5 Comments, 1 Comment, 0 Comments. All data are presented in percentage to allow for comparisons between the ships.

So let’s dive in:

On the first glance the graphs look peculiar: there is always sort of a double maximum for “0 Comments” and “2-5 Comments” divided by a minimum for “1 Comment”. But once we remember that the Comments on AO3 include also author’s responses the situation becomes clear: the majority of fics have 2 comments: namely 1 real Comment from a reader and one answer from the author.

To put this hypothesis into a test I checked how many fics have 2 Comments, and it is 316 out of 839 of SasuSaku fics in “2-5 Comments” bin, 84 out of 204 fics for NaruSaku and 104 out of 315 fic for KakaSaku – which gives always ca. one third of comments in the “2-5 Comments” bin.

At that point I deliberated for a while whether I should modify my bins to include “2 Comments” as a separate category, but I opted out of it for the sake of (future) comparisons with ff.net (and because I think by bins are very good, thank you).

As a side note: on the first 4 graphs we can also see that MadaSaku has a different distribution than all the other ships, but it is worth mentioning that it was also an outlier on ff.net. We will come to this later.

Peculiarity of distribution aside – the feedback on 3 main Sakura’s ships is consistently miserable. But, I reasoned, AO3 is famously M/M oriented so maybe the F/M audience is simply not there. Therefore, I set off to check all the Naruto ships in the order of their popularity, which btw is the following:

So, working down the list we get this:

And, WTF Naruto fandom? Most of the fics for hugely popular, established ships have no comments??!! Or one comment and an answer from the writer??!!

That was a really disappointing exercise…

Until I found that:

MadaTobi was the first ship that displayed a different pattern of readers interactions! It has a maximum in “21-50 Comments” per fic which is perfectly decent and corresponds well with the values for the ships I examined before on ff.net.

Encouraged by this discovery I dug further: (And tbh for a moment I thought I have here a “Madara-effect”, since both MadaTobi and MadaSaku displayed encouraging results 😉 )

But Madara-effect was not the case (HashiMada displays the same distribution as all the other ships) and further data were even more disappointing. (Let me repeat myself: WTF, Naruto fandom?!)

Until I found another instance of good readers’ participation:

KakaGai! So, at that point we had three ships that were behaving differently than the norm: MadaTobi, KakaGai and MadaSaku.

I looked further to see if I can find more examples of fandom positivity, but, spoiler alert – No. For the sake of appearances lets look at the data though. GaaLee is sort of a borderline case, so let’s flag it as “tentative” for now.

So, what could be the reason for such a drastically different behavior of distinctive pockets of the fandom? Over the course of last year, I was observing how MadaTobi was rapidly gaining popularity, so that hinted me to follow this line of reasoning.

For each ship, I broke down the fics numbers into years when they were published. I ignored all the fics published in 2020 (because the year has only started and including those data would skew the image). To be able to compare the ships (which vary widely in term of fic numbers) I calculated the percentages of fics published in each year. I.e if a ship had 100 fics published until December 2019 and 30 of them were published in 2019, then 2019 had 30% of all published fics. It was at that point irrelevant how many fics were published in 2020, they weren’t counted either the way. I included only data from 2011 on, because earlier ones are very fuzzy due to back-dating customs that were in fashion at that time (for explanations see here).

Let’s look at the data. Tadaaa!!!

Isn’t it absolutely beautiful?! (yes, I know!) Does it look like a tangle of knitting yarn? (yes, I know that as well!)

So, let me break it down for you:

See that, that general trend? This is the growth curve that most of the ships follow – pretty linear, with maybe a bit of acceleration in 2019.

Now let’s focus on outliers: (3 most popular ships: SasuNaru, KakaIru and SasuSaku are included for reference – they illustrate the general trend pretty well).

The ships that grew more than 30% in 2019 are: SasuHina, MadaTobi, GaaLee, KakaObi, HashiMada, KakaGai, MadaSaku and InoSaku. So, among those eight, 4 (3 obvious, and 1 tentative) are the ones which showed outstanding readers’ engagement!

So, are newer, more energetic parts of fandom also the ones with best readers’ engagement? That would be a very optimistic message… But what about four ships that grew tremendously, but still show very poor readers behavior?

SasuHina is an easy case. If there exist a ship that has a captain, then it is this one. And the captain is @365daysofsasuhina who contributed staggering 438 fics (out of total of 966) to SasuHina! (Seriously, a round of standing ovation, because this is amount of dedication, work and talent that we can all only dream about. Talking about being a change you want to see!). And 90% of that contribution was done exactly in 2019, which explains the growth spurt of the ship. Sadly though, the audience response didn't keep up with the supply of new fics, therefore great many of them remain with very few comments.

So what about the remaining ones: KakaObi, HashiMadara and InoSaku?

Scrolling through the fic lists I noticed that great many of KakaObi fics are written in Chinese, so I decided to look into it deeper.

I analyzed the percentages of Chinese fics for all the examined ships (and percentages of English ones, just in case there was a ship with overrepresentation of some other language):

And we can see that both KakaObi and HashiMada have a very strong presence of the Chinese fics!

At that point I thought I have it, and proceeded to look at the distribution of Comments for Chinese KakaObi and HashiMada fics. And indeed, the reader’s engagement is sadly, almost nonexistent (165 out of 182 HashiMada fics and 478 out of 630 KakaObi fics have no comments at all). The reasons for that may be multiple; one that come to my mind is that the Chinese readers are still to follow their writers to AO3, or that the fics published recently are in reality not new (which for sure they are not, given the sheer amount of them) and received already their share of feedback on other platforms.

But, even if one subtracts the Chinese fics from the overall fics, the distribution remains the same! ☹ KakaObi and HashiMada still display the standard Comment distribution, despite having grown 45% and 41% in the last year!

It looks a bit better, but still follows standard, not very flattering trend of most of other ships.

So, then I thought that maybe if I subtract the Chinese fics the sudden growth in 2019 will disappear?

The answer is unfortunately, no. The growth spurt is still there, language independent.

So, at this point I don’t know... I am convinced that there is some effect coming from the influx of Chinese fics, but I cannot put my finger on it. (It is also a beautiful example of how correlation does not equal causation.) I also have no explanation for InoSaku behavior…

Nevertheless, I think it is possible to draw some conclusions, and those conclusions are of vital importance for the health of fandom as it is currently on the move from ff.net to AO3. And I would hate to see the good habits that are in place among ff.net readers getting lost during this move!

It seems that the readers response is better in the pockets of fandom that experience rapid growth, which in itself is very positive news. But one would think that the entirety of Naruto fandom is experiencing such growth (as the fandom is moving to AO3, remember…?). Unfortunately, it isn’t the case.

There can be yet another factor in play: namely the question if the ship is well represented on ff.net, and most of the ships are. Let’s take a final look at our three outliers: MadaTobi, KakaGai and MadaSaku.

Quick look into ff.net (by quick look I mean: sum of two main Ship Names plus Pairing Option minus fics that were double-tagged) shows that there are 174 KakaGai fics, 132 MadaTobi fics and 230 MadaSaku fics (my carefully calculated MadaSaku fic number was 232 in December 2019, so now I believe this number will be slightly higher).

MadaTobi and KakaGai are definitely underrepresented on ff.net (though MadaSaku is not). Therefore, new fics are not being published on ff.net in parallel to AO3, but rather on AO3 exclusively. It is a speculation only, but maybe if readers are given a choice between commenting on ff.net and on AO3, they are choosing the older platform. That would imply that the authors who make a complete move can still count on feedback, as with absence of ff.net-uploaded fics the readers would have only one place to comment on. At least that’s my hope…

And finally, dear Naruto fandom – step it up. Those numbers are a shame, and I know that people can do better than this.

#fandom stats #naruto stats #ff.net vs ao3 #sasusaku #sasunaru #kakairu #madatobi #kakagai #kakaobi #madahashi #sasuhina #madasaku #shipping stats

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stargazing-enby · 4 years

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20 Facts for 2020

Tagged by @tsauergrass! Thanks darling 💗

1. Do you make your bed?

I try to! Whether my bed is made or not is probably an indicator of whether I am having a good or a bad day, although sometimes I don't make it simply because I need to rush to class in the morning and don't come back home till night 😂

2. Favourite number?

Don't have one!

3. What's your job?

Being a student 😂

4. If I could would I go back to school?

NO. I still have nightmares from school quite often

5. Can you parallel park?

I can't drive, so no

6. A job people would be surprised I had

N/A 😂

7. Do you think aliens are real?

I do believe it's possible that other planets out there bear life or have done/will do it at some point, yes. But I'm not scared an evil horde of aliens is going to conquer Earth anytime soon 😂

8. Can you drive a standard car?

I probably could if I had to, but...nope

9. What's your guilty pleasure?

I had to Google the definition of guilty pleasure because I've never been quite sure what that is (first result: something, such as a film, television programme, or piece of music, that one enjoys despite feeling that it is not generally held in high regard.)

And uh... I used to watch America's Got Talent despite it probably being the least ethical show I've enjoyed in the past few years, but I stopped when one of their golden buzzer YouTube headers was "girl defeats autism...". So now I guess I could say my guilty pleasure is probably reading fics on Wattpad sometimes 😅😂 everyone dislikes Wattpad, but I don't. Oops?

10. Tattoos

They're beautiful, but not for me, at least not at this stage in my life. I feel like I'm so young, and if I tattooed anything on my skin with any sort of symbolism right now I'd feel unable to grow up a few years from now; stuck in who I was when I got it. Does that make sense? I don't want to anchor myself to a moment in time and have to remember it when I've moved on from it.

11. Favourite colour?

Shiny, translucent, pale, and soft shades of light blue!

12. Things people do that drive you crazy

Ummm, LOTS 😂

- Smoke, scream, spit, litter, and use the car honk on the street.

- Keep sniffing over and over again instead of blowing their damn noses 😭 I've spent whole minutes staring at exams unable to write down a single word because someone nearby was sniffing and I could... Hear it...

- Prank people about things that aren't funny? Like if you tell me something bad happened I'm going to get worried! You can't just laugh and tell me it was a lie, that you just wanted to play with my feelings for fun! I don't trust you anymore. 😂

- Be on their phones in the damn cinema. Watch the movie at home if you're gonna ignore it 😒 or at the very least turn the brightness down?!? I swear.

- Keep their phones at max volume on the train. Like. LSKDKQJDJQN the other day this man kept getting calls over and over and over again, and he was ignoring them instead of picking up, and the volume was so high you could hear it over your headphones. Wtf man.

- A lot of other stuff 😅

13. Any phobias?

Not that I know of (or at least not that I know the name of. I have this recurrent intrusive thought of something I'm terrified will happen to me someday, but I'm not gonna name it for my own safety 😂)

14. Favourite childhood sport?

Soccer and rollerskating!

15. Do you talk to yourself?

Doesn't everyone? 😅

16. What movie do you adore?

Frozen/Frozen 2, Moana, Tangled, Beauty and the Beast (the one starring Emma Watson), quite a few Ghibli ones...I'm not really a movie person save for my comfort movies. Like, I'll watch random movies very rarely and enjoy them a lot, but I haven't watched a lot of them and I tend to constantly rewatch the same ones.

17. Do you like doing puzzles?

I actually love doing them!!!!

18. Favourite type of music

At this point in my life, pop/indie and videogame/shows/movie soundracks, and also a little bit of symphonic metal, alternative rock, and folk/classical rock. But mostly the first two.

19. Tea or coffee?

HOT. CHOCOLATE. 😤

20. The first thing you remember you wanted to be when you grew up?

A biker! I was like 4-5 years old and would prattle for hours about wanting a motorbike of every colour I knew. I'd walk up to strangers with cool motorbikes and reassure my parents I would always wear a helmet 😂

It me riding a fun fair motorbike 😂

Tagging @april-thelightfury115 @keyflight790 @julcheninred @gamerfreddie @tsundanire @sweetlialia anddd whoever else wants to do it, consider yourselves tagged! Please don't reblog this post, but tag me on yours so I can see 👀

#20 Facts for 2020 #Personal #Ableism mention #Intrusive thoughts mention #Long post

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tiredfatlesbian-blog · 5 years

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all the odds 💖

BEFORE WE START GOD DAMN WTF?!?!

1) Uhhhh, Delaney. that is just Delaney, please call me Del

3) being alone, never having a good support system, not being able to have children

5) being pulled closer, telling me what you want/want to do, the slow repeated checking in, hands tangled in my hair

7) @pinacoladadyke is my best friend in the whole world and i adore them with everything in me

9) GOD i loved that museum and smoothie date!

11) deanie, ma, dancing

13) yellow! or pink!

15) “my skin has turned from porcelain to ivory to steel.”

17) vegan potato and broccoli tika masala

19) i’m actually watching NAMELESS #14

21) 10.5-11 wide US W

23) brown!

25) um once because the guys i was with said they would tell everyone i kissed one of them if i did//

27) i’m tired i’m fat i’m a lesbian

29) Time in a Tree by Raleigh Richie

31) tired and sore, it’s a bad joint day

33) single

35) Halloween!!!

37) i have a laundry list, but my next tattoos will probably be something for Carrie Fisher/Princess Leia and my piercings will be my septum and nipples

39) um, i’m not keen on him, but i guess he doesn’t hate me?

41) no, god no

43) 5-10 minutes depending on the outfit

45) work/// ugh!

47) loud loud loud loud

49) seeing deanie if i can get a plane ticket!!!

51) every time i’m at work? it’s hell

53) okay? it was a one night stand we set

55) i’m at work until 5

57) the nature of my existence

59) tryptophobia, the ocean, also i can’t look straight up at the sky or i have an anxiety attack!!

61) this is corny but it was “i’m fine” when my boss asked me if i was okay to some paperwork (she is worried because i was sick yesterday)

63) yes. yes. yes. yes.

65) yes.

67) stalking jack the ripper

69) del, della,

71) i try to save and have a hard time like, living?, on the amount i make

73) i’m wearing pink rn

75) sleeping thankfully

77) the louve by lorde

79) i don’t want a tombstone, i want a natural burial in a shroud in a shallow grave where i will go back to the earth safety and effectively

81) @joygreys @hijabidyke @fat-femme-fashion @dykescum @pinacoladadyke

83) not right now i don’t, but damned if they are in jail in a few weeks

85) um.... anything my family asks about my mental health

87) yes

89) yes

91) yes

93) yes

95) yes

97) ugh unfortunately

99) yes

101) yes once upon a time

103) i am a vegan! for about a year and four months now!

105) no

107) yes, i have a desk job

109) yup! a few times

111) yes, several times

113) yes

115) yes all the time

117) The Fray, Linkin Park, Slipknot, A7X, P!nk (also like Warped for three years but that’s a lot//)

119) i struggle, my i have minimal arabic and french, passable elvish(dumb i know i started when i was like 17 and v depressed) and i’m currently trying to work on my irish gaelic

121) yes, when i was very young, way too young

123) yes, every color of the rainbow

125) yes a few times

127) a few people, but i lived for meet ups at conventions when i was younger

129) yup! i have a “she-wee”

131) as often as i can

133) yes a few

135) 2 that i birth, Aiden and Jamie

137) meh, i don’t hate it

139) i don’t think i have one rn, i love game of thrones, but those last two seasons sucked

141) AHAHHAHAHAHA no

143) no cheese, extra sauce, garlic oil, veggies added after baking (bell papers, broccoli, etc)

145) yes absolutely

147) all the fucking time, i hate it

149) coming out, learning to enjoy myself, getting my ged, literally still being alive

151) move, buy a car, invest, pay off my credit card and medical bills

153) it’s still @pinacoladadyke

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couldnt-think-of-a-funny-name · 6 years

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- final rehearsal was a success!!!!

- Claude has this one line like ‘I’m just gonna be off with my pretty little daffodils’ but someone forget to set the flowers before the scene so he had to go ‘just me and my imaginary daffodils….aren’t they pretty?’ and everyone was actively dying lmao

- Margaret Mead’s coat FINALLY opened up all the way....it hasn’t been doing that

- we are VERY CLOSE to finally running the show with lights!!!!!

- lmao the poor guy I think this is like? the fourth? maybe fifth? attempt at lighting and it’s hectic but I have faith

- Woof still does not have a consistent wig

- omfg so for after the final ‘Ain’t Got No’ s there’s a blackout so Claude can get off stage and then the tribe comes out and starts up their protest chants right but today everyone got in place before the lights came up and they brought up the lights behind them first so they were silhouetted and I said ‘ Fuck that looks so cool’ out loud lmao I hope they keep it like that!!!!!

- there was a dog in the theater....just cause? No one would let her walk she was so cute omfg

- I was wearing my Chicago(tm) shirt bc it was the first thing I saw before leaving the house but when I was backstage for mics Every Single Child Who Saw Me started singing the Chicago song from Victorious lol

- Berger handed me his mic and it was absolutely covered in hair....and I know you’re thinking ‘well duh Molly you’re doing Hair’ but here’s the thing....his mic is kept in a bag, attached to a mic belt, strapped around his waist.....the hair was stuck all over the mic itself, under the tape that was still stuck to the mic.....and his extensions only come to a little past his shoulders.....so how on earth did this loser manage that

- I don’t know wtf happened to Claude during ‘I Got Life’ like all the sudden he just....malfunctioned asdwfghb idk if he lost his voice or forgot the notes so just panicked and went into a higher pitch but MAN was it weird

- Could you imagine if Claude lost his voice during the show??? holy shit

- I need Berger to calm down ever so slightly because while I do appreciate he has a lot of high energy songs literally EVERY TIME he finishes the song all you can hear, even over dialogue, is him panting as though he’s aware he’s about to take his final breath. Sweetie. Dork. Ration you breathing. You Know This.

- lmao

- Claude’s wig fell off during the ‘Hair’ number again and he and a girl had to duck behind the other actors to try and fix it lol

- Margaret Mead made ‘My Conviction’ his BITCH

- also more jokes about real-life Margaret having Big Dick Energy

- after the finale scene ended the assistant director screamed ‘that was IMPACTFUL, BITCH!!!!!’

- I cried during ‘Frank Mills’ and like it’s not even a sad song but the girl is just that good of a performer wtf

- “okay guys so your best performance of the night was definitely ‘Sodomy’ in my opinion”

- a 16 year old finding out that Aquarius is in fact an astrological thing and not just a word the hippies all really like

- “what if I just.....played A Chorus Line music instead?”

- oh my God so the set right they have this big rainbow cardboard-cutout peace signs like, the actual peace symbol and then also hands doing the peace sign right and this one hand just....does NOT want to stay standing up lmao it fell over in pretty much every scene

- this one kids mic was somehow tangled around his body and clothes in like five different ways and it took f o r e v e r to get it off him and when he was finally free he’s like ‘you’re so patient, thank you for being an amazing person’ asdfgrhj what a sweetheart

- WHY CAN’T THESE KIDS C O U N T

- I don’t even mean musically like. there’s a lot of being in the aisles right, it’s Hair, you know. so you’d figure him......22 people in this cast....maybe 11 in one aisle and 11 on the other....that could make sense EXCEPT everyone wants to be stage right for some reason!!!!!

- Like you’d think....if one side has 17 people and the other only has 5.....a few of them might realize that’s a problem and go to the other place,,,,,,,,,,but no,

- I almost passed out like 3 separate times bc I was so hungry rip

- the directors husband asked me very seriously if I thought we could make it through the show without him having to buy more batteries and something on my face must’ve been gd hilarious because he lost it after I said no lmao

- but overall??? I’m pretty excited to see how opening night goes this Thursday???? Fingers crossed!!!!

- Beads, flowers, freedom and happiness 💖

#hair vagueblogging 2k18 #musicals #molly mumbles

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strivia · 2 years

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I posted 2,653 times in 2021

222 posts created (8%)

2431 posts reblogged (92%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 11.0 posts.

I added 1,919 tags in 2021

#tangled the series - 475 posts

#dndads - 255 posts

#rapunzel - 211 posts

#dungeons and daddies - 184 posts

#cassandra - 183 posts

#varian - 156 posts

#ron stampler - 153 posts

#mystery skulls animated - 115 posts

#strivia speaks - 100 posts

#mystery skulls - 87 posts

Longest Tag: 135 characters

#it's not that it can't be done well but the handling of it is generally just not something i vibe with it and i'm sick of it everywhere

My Top Posts in 2021

Ghost!Varian AU where he fucking dies in 3x01. This was sparked by a conversation with @finnoky back in like August, but it took me like 10 million years to finish the top drawing.

130 notes • Posted 2021-01-13 08:35:09 GMT

Since learning Jodie is a demon I care more about him than before, what can I say.

153 notes • Posted 2021-04-22 04:13:11 GMT

So I am late to Helluva Boss. BUT. I feel like Blitzo is the sort of person that's a dick, but if someone seriously threatened his employees the rest of the group, he would GO OFF. There’s like 2 stills in the trailer that I am looking at intently, and they are these:

Anyway, sometimes a family is a hitman organization from hell.

161 notes • Posted 2021-03-18 05:12:33 GMT

I think I’ve mentioned this to multiple people in messages by now, but it’s still taking up my brainspace so

I actually have a lot of feelings about how the deez nuts joke is super idiotic, but at the same time it's basically Glenn going "You don't get to have the power in this situation asshole, I'm gonna undermine you" and it being a catalyst for Ron to undermine his dad because he's doing it to protect someone else. Like it's stupid, but it's also kinda impactful? While still being incredibly stupid??

Tbh the first time I heard Glenn's dunk on Willie I was like, wtf are you doing nooooo. But at the same time, it breaks this oppressive energy. It gives everyone inspiration. I feel like the other two were more directly being supportive of Ron. But I feel like Glenn's very stupid move actually had a more tangible outcome? Which is fucking wild.

300 notes • Posted 2021-06-18 01:30:55 GMT

Blitz being protective of Moxxie

I’m not the first person to point this out. But until Striker attacked Moxxie Blitz hadn’t made a single attack on Striker. But even more notably. This is the first unarmed combat strike we see Blitz make against anyone on screen across all of the episodes. We have never seen him scrap unarmed in a real fight until right here where he goes the fuck off.

677 notes • Posted 2021-05-04 19:01:15 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

#my 2021 tumblr year in review #Long post #It reflects my fandoms and interests pretty accurately #which makes sense #Strivia speaks #Sorta

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cordialement-love-blog · 7 years

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100 Questions about me.

1.) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4. "Hello, I paint better than some of these men, and I am completely talentless." (Princess in waiting by Meg Cabot) 2.) Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotels? Yes, my mom and I keep a big plastic bag of them under the sink. They're perfect for mission trips. 3.) Who was the last person you texted? My cousin taylor. 4.) Have you stolen a street sign before? No I stole a Disney World bathroom sign though. 5.) Do you tan or burn? I burn terribly then it turns slightly dark then fades. 6.) Have you ever had to have surgery? Nope! 7.) Are you a righty or a lefty? Righty 8.) Do you have freckles? ALL. OVER. THE. PLACE. 9.) Do you always smile for pictures? Depends who else is in the picture and what it's for. 10.) What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer? Microsoft Office 365 11.) What’s you zodiac sign? I'm a Taurus. 12.) Have you ever peed in the woods? Yes. 13.) Have you ever pooped in the woods? No wtf 14.) What’s your hair color? Ginger 15.) Do you chew your pens and pencils? Not really. 16.) How many people have you slept with this week? None this week. 17.) What color are your eyes? Ocean blue. 18.) Do you wear the hood on hoodies? Yes sometimes. 19.) Is it OK for guys to wear pink? Yeah if they want to I don't care. 20.) What’s the farthest away place you’ve been? Los Angeles, California. 21.) Are you allergic to anything? Penicillin. 22.) Do you wear glasses/contacts? Glasses when I feel like it. 23.) Where in the world would you like to travel? My top choices are Paris, Greece and Australia but really I want to go all over the place. 24.) Do you like watching scary movies? I love horror movies. 25.) What were you doing at midnight last night? Making a September playlist. 26.) What movies could you watch over and over again and still love? Tangled, a walk to remember, pretty woman, Cinderella live action, how to lose a Guy in ten days. 27.) Last person you kissed/kissed you? My boyfriend. 28.) Do you have any phobias? Not accomplishing my dreams or ending up alone. 29.) Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine? Yes I think so. 30.) What’s under your bed? Man, lots of things, mostly clothes. 31.) Can you change the oil on a car? Not exactly but I have watched my dad do it. 32.) Ever gotten a speeding ticket? Nope, surprisingly. 33.) Ever ran out of gas? Nope! 34.) Are you sarcastic? Pretty darn. 35.) Best thing to eat for breakfast? Peanut butter covered pancakes or French toast and strawberries. 36.) What color are your sheets? Grey. 37.) Are you lazy? I'm the very definition of it. 38.) What was the name of your first pet? It was Marley. 39.) What is your Chinese astrological sign? A bunny. 40.) How many languages can you speak? English but I'm starting to deepen my French. 41.) What magazines do you read? Cosmopolitan and seventeen. 42.) How are you feeling right now? Worried and sentimental. 43.) Are you stubborn? I invented being stubborn. 44.) Can you whistle? Nope. 45.) Have you read the Harry Potter series? Yes I love it. 46.) What’s your favorite candle scent? Anything pumpkin, coconut or christmas-y. 47.) Do you sing in the car? EVERYDAY. 48.) Do you sing in the shower? HECK YA 49.) Have your pants ever fallen down in public? Nope. 50.) Can you close your eyes and raise your eyebrows? Yes? Is that not common?

51.) Do you make wishes at 11:11? Not really. 52.) Do you think musicals are cheesy? No 53.) Dogs or cats? Dogs for sure. 54.) Can you touch your nose with your tongue? Yes I'm proud of it too. 55.) Can you walk in heels? Yes. 56.) Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? Ballerina, artist, Veterinarian. 57.) Do you believe in ghosts? Nope. 58.) Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? Yes. 59.) What inspires you? Successful people, kind people, art and nature. Beautiful things. 60.) Do you wear slippers? I would all the time if I could. 61.) Do you wear a bath robe? Yes a pink one. 62.) What do you wear to bed? Big tshirt and boxers. 63.) Have you ever eaten a crayon? Nope. 64.) What’s your favorite season? Fall but I do love spring. 65.) What’s your favorite holiday? Christmas and Halloween 66.) Do you turn the water off when you brush your teeth? Sometimes. 67.) Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? Sunflower seeds. 68.) What is the last thing you watched on Netflix? Gilmore girls. 69.) Ever take dance lessons? Yes ballet and pop. 70.) Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? I don't really know. 71.) Can you curl your tongue? Yes. 72.) Mac or PC? Mac ya 73.) Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Yes. 74.) Do you remember your dreams? Not usually. 75.) Do you wear perfume? Yes. 76.) Do you regularly burn incense? Nope. 77.) Ever been in love? Yes. 78.) Who would you like to see in concert? Anyone! I just love music and especially love music. But I'd adore seeing maroon five or selena gomez sing live. 79.) If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live? France or Greece or Sweden. 80.) Hot tea or cold tea? Cold over hot but I do love hot tea. 81.) Tea or coffee? Coffee. 82.) If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy? I would pay off all my parents bills and debt and my brothers student loans. 83.) Can you swim well? Yes. 84.) Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? Yes. 85.) Are you patient? Aha no. 86.) DJ or band at a wedding? Dj. 87.) Last time you swam in a pool? Labor Day. 88.) Have you ever had plastic surgery? No but I've thought about what it would be like. 89.) Which are better: black or green olives? Neither. 90.) Can you knit or crochet? I can crochet. 91.) Best room for a fireplace? Bedroom or living room. 92.) Do you want to get married? Yes. 93.) Are you listening to music right now? Nope I'm watching a movie. 94.) Is there anything that you’re disappointed about? A couple things and a couple people. 95.) What quote do you live by? I like a lot of quotes but "Be kind and have courage" always stays with me. 96.) Do you have kids? No not right now. 97.) do you want kids? YES 98.) what are your favorite colors? Pink, lavender and sea foam green. 99.) do you miss anyone right now? Yes very much. 100.) do you have any pets? Not anymore. But I wish!

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theeverbloomingdarkness · 7 years

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Stuff

1. All I can see on toy Sora is cat ears

2. The fact that the people who worked on the Disney movies that the worlds are based on gives me good feelings that the Disney world plots and world design are going to be much better than in all previous KH titles, which is something I wanted to see happen. The world design from what we’ve seen of Tangled and Toy Story so far look really awesome.

3. However on account of this ^ Nomura seems to imply that there will be less worlds than usual in KH3.

4. Nomura made another comment about their possibly being a second playable character aside from Sora in the future, but the way he said it makes it unclear to me if he means the Kingdom Hearts series in general or KH3 specifically. I know he always wants Sora to be the focus of the series, but I honestly would really like to play as other characters too, since there are so many great options.

5. The basic plot of KH2 and the reasons for world jumping/ investigating a world seem very reminiscent of KH2, but it’s pretty early to be saying this considering how much is yet to be known. I don’t remember specifically why they said they were going to visit Hercules, but I think it was because Yen Sid vaguely hinted that they ought to visit a hero-- maybe for recruitment/assistance? Toy Story they don’t know where they are, so maybe just random world jumping to look for Nort activity? (the summary says they’re looking for the “key” too)

6. I know they started working on the music for the game and I am SO READY for some great brand spanking new KH music.

7. Seriously wtf if Xehanort’s reason for kidnapping a child and a bunch of his sentient toys going to be? Maybe something to do with the fact that they’re sentient toys and magic stuff in their world. IDK.

8. I will always be on edge of Marluxia Nort. >-> I s2g old man, if you bring my son into this nonsense...

9. On the other hand I am on positive edge for the possibility of Marluxia and somebodies co. featuring. oR SOMETHING. At least mention him xD Please. Poor Marluxia. Everyone forgets about him. Riku should know. Like, honestly, hasn’t he ever talked to Sora and been like oh BTW during that time you were put to sleep in Castle Oblivion we fought a whole bunch of those Organization guy and Lea could be like, oh yeah I remember those assholes.

10. Branching off of point 9^ I hope we acknowledge other things in the story as well. Like Lea’s double murder of Zexion and Vexen and loose ends between the Organization members

11. Like, at one point in time is Aqua going to return? Because I have a suspicion that it won’t be until endgame because that’s when KH likes to make most things happen but I’m hoping she becomes part of the picture earlier.

#ooc #theeverbloomingspam #my notes #the last darkness they need has got to be vanitas right

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shogunpenny · 7 years

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Answer all 100

1: Is there a boy/girl in your life?: Not romantically, no2: Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them?: Oh fuck this is a tough one. She cheated on me, but being the christian that I am, i’m called to forgive people who wrong me, no matter how badly. So reluctantly, yes. (doesn’t mean i’ve forgotten it, or will act like it never happened) 3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17: “He closed his eyes, but he could still see himself, huddling like a rabbit with nowhere left to run, Aes Sedai closing round him like ravens”4: What’s something you really want right now?: A girlfriend5: Are you afraid of falling in love?: Not particularly6: How can I win your heart?: Buy me a sword7: Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else?: nope8: What’s the background on your cell?: Currently its a default background because last month my phone decided to completely reset itself. Previously it was Gabe Newell9: Name the last four beds you were sat on?: What10: Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?: Yeah11: Honestly, are things going the way you planned?: My life is a trainwreck, but tbh I don’t know what I expected12: Who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts?: My sister’s13: Would you rather have a poodle or a Rottweiler?: Rottweiler, but not a huge preference14: Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?: Seeing as how my depression limits the amount of emotions I can feel at one time, physical.15: Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?: A zoo16: Are you tired?: Always17: How long have you known your 1st phone contact?: Since I was born18: If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?: This year probably19: Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes?: Incredibly unlikely, I wanted to think of an amusing analogy, but my mind has gone blank, so basically God would have to manifest into a physical form and start yelling at me to do it before I would consider it20: When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with?: I’ve never kissed anyone romantically21: If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today?: *Smashes that mf marriage button* Fuck yeah!22: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?: Read Above23: When was the last time you were disappointed?: Every fucking day by myself24: Is there a certain quote you live by?: Probably risky to say cus the majority of tumblr hates him, but I love Jontron’s quote “If I can’t be the best at something, I sure as hell can be the worst25: What’s on your mind?: “Fucking hell i’ve still got 75 more of these”26: Do you have any tattoos?: No but i’d love to get one some day.27: What is your favorite color?: Purple28: Next time you will kiss someone on the lips?: Idk?? I can’t see into the future. Hopefully soon??29: Who are you texting?: Nobody atm30: Are you superstitious about anything?: Not legitimately31: Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right?: Yep. shortly before I found out my ex was cheating on me I had lots of anxiety that she might be doing something of that sort. Usually my anxiety is unfounded, so it really sucks when its not. 32: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?: Yeah, a few33: Do you think anyone has feelings for you?: Feelings? For MY me?? (It’s not likely at all) 34: Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?: Not really35: What was the reason for your last breakup?: See Above36: Were you single on Valentines Day?: Not this last one37: Name one physical feature that you like about yourself, and one you dislike: uhh. I literally cannot think of one physical thing I like about myself, whereas there are many I dislike38: What do your friends call you?: Most of them call me Penny39: Has anyone upset you in the last week?: Not badly, no40: Have you ever cried over a text?: No41: Where’s your last bruise located?: Is it particularly normal to keep track of bruises? I don’t know42: What is it from?: I don’t know, I don’t even know if I have any bruises currently43: Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad?: I can’t say i’ve been anywhere particularly terrible in such a way, atleast not physically44: Who was the last person you were on the phone with?: My Mom45: Do you have a favourite pair of shoes?: I only have one pair of shoes, as sad as that sounds. I actually have a another but they’re so worn out they can barely be called shoes anymore, and I only wear them when i’m going outside really quickly.46: Do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day?: Not much anymore. I used to wear hats all the fucking time when I was young, similar to a security blanket sort of thing, until a few years ago I just stopped47: Would you ever go bald if it was the style?: No48: Do you make supper for your family?: Very often, yes. I swear my family would starve sometimes if they didn’t have me to make the food49: What’s the toughest decision you made this year?: I’ve barely made any decisions this year, everything’s basically just been thrust upon me50: Top 3 web-pages?: A private forum where some of my friends and I hang out, Youtube, and Tumblr51: Do you know anyone who hates shopping?: My dad and brother52: Does anything on your body hurt?: Not without messing with it. I have some acne, and a weird boil thing under my arm that hurts slightly if I mess with them53: Are goodbyes hard for you?: Depends if its permanent or for a long time. If so, yeah. 54: What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?: Probably coffee55: How is your hair?: Usually it likes to tangle and is rather coarse, but right now its not particularly bad in either of those regards.56: What do you usually do first in the morning?: Go back to sleep57: Do you think two people can last forever?: Yeah58: Think back to January 2007, were you single?: I was 9 years old. 9 year olds aren’t typically known to have SOs59: Green or purple grapes?: Purple60: When’s the next time you will give someone a BIG hug?: Probably tomorrow for my mom61: Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?: I wish I was in Israel, laying Jerusalem under siege with the lads. Deus Vult.62: What did your father teach you?: Many Things. 63: Where will you be 5 hours from now?: In bed, asleep64: What were you doing at 8 this morning: Sleeping65: This time last year, can you remember who you liked?: Not really66: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?: Any of my friends67: Did you kiss or hug anyone today?: Not romantically, but yes68: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?: Who the fuck can remember the last thing they thought before falling asleep? Like wtf can people do that? things just get progressively more and more hazy as I fall asleep, and the chances are my last thought is something completely random and unrelated to anything69: Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?: Every time I draw70: How many windows are open on your computer?: 3, Skype, Steam and Firefox71: If you won 100 million dollars, what would you buy first?: Probably just put a lot of it into a savings account or something so I can make sure I live a comfortable life without having to work72: What is your ringtone?: Twilight of the Thunder God73: How old will you be in 5 months?: Still 1974: Where is your Mum right now?: Probably asleep75: Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love?: Its really hard to love someone who cheats on you76: Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?: Yes, my niece.77: Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago?: for the most part, yeah78: Do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7?: No79: Is there anyone you know with the name Mike?: A few people80: Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?: Excluding my mother’s when I was a babby, no81: How many people have you liked in the past three months?: Not including every girl I see, probably like 282: Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days?: I hope not83: Will you talk to the person you like tonight?: Not unless she somehow materializes into my house84: You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with?: umm i doubt i’m above getting drunk, but definitely above harassing people like that85: If your BF/GF was into drugs would you care?: Depends on the drugs, and just how much she was into them. If she smoked weed every once in a while, who gives a shit? 86: What was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie?: Umm, I got to see the movie?? 87: Who was your last received call from?: My mom88: If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you?: like, I hate cruelty to animals and shit but fuck man, that’s a thousand bucks we’re talking about. 89: What is something you wish you had more of?: Money90: Have you ever trusted someone too much?: my ex91: Do you sleep with your window open?: Only in the summer when the AC hasn’t been turned on92: Do you get along with girls?: All of my coworkers save for one are girls, so yeah. 93: Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?: No94: Does sex mean love?: Not necessarily95: You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem?: See Above, have never kissed anyone romantically96: Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring?: See Above97: Did you sleep alone this week?: This week, and every week of my life98: Everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you?: Not one specific person, but my friends usually do the trick99: Do you believe in love at first sight?: Not really100: Who was the last person that you pinky promise?: I don’t think I ever have pinky promised anyone

That took way too long

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angeleyesandfaerielullabies · 7 years

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All of the questions ;)))))) you'll never know who this is ;)))) ya know cause I'm on anon ;))))))))))))))

Sammy, I know it's you. You aren't being discrete at all1: Is there a boy/girl in your life?Yes, many of them actually, they're everywhere, along with the people who are both or neither, everywhere I turn, they're there 2: Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them?No. 3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17."An off day isn't a cocktail issue." 4: What’s something you really want right now? A girlfriend 5: Are you afraid of falling in love?HAHAHAHHA  6: How can I win your heart?Listen to me and try to understand what I'm saying and shit and give me compliments and books and cuddles and just don't be obnoxious  7: Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else?No 8: What’s the background on your cell?On my lock green it's a bunch of cactiOn my home screen it's a great picture by Sophierosebrampton (that's her Instagram name) and it's a girl with only underwear on and a crop top that says "not ur babygirl" on it and shows the bottom of her boobs (it's a really great drawing and she's a really cool artist, I highly recommend you check her page out) 9: Name the last four beds you were sat on?My bed??? That's it's??? Idk??? 10: Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?Probably not 11: Honestly, are things going the way you planned?Hell no 12: Who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts?I don't know 13: Would you rather have a poodle or a Rottweiler?Rottweiler 14: Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?Emotional 15: Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?Both 16: Are you tired?All the time 17: How long have you known your 1st phone contact?Seeing as my 1st phone contact was my mother, I'd say I've known her for awhile, although, I could be wrong  18: If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?2014-2015 (all of 8th grade including the summer before and half of the summer after) 19: Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes?Maybe 20: When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with?HAH 21: If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today?Ehhhhhhh, I don't know, probably not, I'm not big on the whole marriage concept  22: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?HAH 23: When was the last time you were disappointed?I am disappointed literally almost 99.9% of the time sooo 24: Is there a certain quote you live by?"Fuck you, Fuck you, and ESPECIALLY Fuck you" 25: What’s on your mind?Nothing 26: Do you have any tattoos?No 27: What is your favorite color?Green 28: Next time you will kiss someone on the lips?I'm done with these kissing questions  29: Who are you texting?No one  30: Are you superstitious about anything?Yes 31: Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right?Yes 32: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?Yes 33: Do you think anyone has feelings for you? No 34: Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?No because although my entire family swears that I have hazel eyes but that they just lean more towards brown than green, they are actual shit stains and the only time you can even see the apparent green is when I cry and that happens like never 35: What was the reason for your last breakup?He made a rape joke and so I decided to cut him out of my life 36: Were you single on Valentines Day?Yes 37: Name one physical feature that you like about yourself, and one you dislike.Fuck you. 38: What do your friends call you?Melissa or Mel or Asshole 39: Has anyone upset you in the last week?Yes 40: Have you ever cried over a text?Yes 41: Where’s your last bruise located?My arm 42: What is it from?Tubing 43: Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad?Every second of everyday so I guess the last time would be right now  44: Who was the last person you were on the phone with?My uncle 45: Do you have a favourite pair of shoes?Yes 46: Do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day?No 47: Would you ever go bald if it was the style?No 48: Do you make supper for your family?Who the hell says "supper"??? (Sammy probably does) And I make food all the time for my brother and I  49: What’s the toughest decision you made this year?To live  50: Top 3 web-pages?Idk 51: Do you know anyone who hates shopping?Yes. Me. 52: Does anything on your body hurt?Yes 53: Are goodbyes hard for you?No 54: What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?Water 55: How is your hair?Wtf kind of question is this??? It's a wavy/curly, frizzy, tangled, knotted, thick af, super annoying Mess 56: What do you usually do first in the morning?Lay in bed contemplating the universe  57: Do you think two people can last forever?No 58: Think back to January 2007, were you single?I don't even remember what I was talking about two minutes ago but you want me to remember if I was single in January 2007??? Fuck off 59: Green or purple grapes?Both 60: When’s the next time you will give someone a BIG hug?Never 61: Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?Yes 62: What did your father teach you?Fuck off. 63: Where will you be 5 hours from now?I don't freaking know  64: What were you doing at 8 this morning.Idk 65: This time last year, can you remember who you liked?No 66: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?Yes 67: Did you kiss or hug anyone today?No 68: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?I didn't go to bed last night so joke's on you 69: Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?Yes 70: How many windows are open on your computer?None 71: If you won 100 million dollars, what would you buy first?A good life 72: What is your ringtone?Idk 73: How old will you be in 5 months?The same age as I am now  74: Where is your Mum right now?I don't know and I don't care  75: Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love?Because I have never actually really felt love before  76: Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?Yes, my brother because he can't Ross the street by himself for shit 77: Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago?Sure 78: Do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7?No 79: Is there anyone you know with the name Mike?Yes 80: Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?No 81: How many people have you liked in the past three months?Idk 82: Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days?No 83: Will you talk to the person you like tonight?No 84: You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with?I would never get drunk and I would never yell at people no matter how physically attractive I found them so fuck you 85: If your BF/GF was into drugs would you care?Probably not but maybe 86: What was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie?Idk 87: Who was your last received call from?My uncle  88: If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you?Yes because I hate butterflies  89: What is something you wish you had more of?Money 90: Have you ever trusted someone too much?No 91: Do you sleep with your window open?No 92: Do you get along with girls?Sure 93: Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?No 94: Does sex mean love?No 95: You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem?HAH 96: Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring?HAH 97: Did you sleep alone this week?Yes 98: Everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you?Yes 99: Do you believe in love at first sight?Not really 100: Who was the last person that you pinky promise?My brother

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joseph-joestar-plz-twerk-4-me · 7 years

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eyy i was tagged by @lancekoganee, @lovelylangst, and @fictionismynationality for the 92 truths thing so here it issss

LAST… [1] drink: dr pepper [2] phone call: uh well the last like 5 people to call me were spam numbers but the last i actually talked on was with my sister [3] text message: bff callie [4] song you listened to: just one yesterday by fall out boy [5] time you cried: a few hours ago when i remembered my characters name in the demi episode game that i played a year and a half ago was “whipe dat azz”

HAVE YOU EVER… [6] dated someone twice: unfortunately yes [7] been cheated on: no [8] kissed someone and regretted it: no [9] lost someone special: ?? im not sure bc there’s a lot of people who used to be special but the friendship either imploded or slowly died sooo [10] been depressed: no [11] gotten drunk and thrown up: no lol i am rather pure for my age lmao

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLORS: [12] dark green [13] pastel pink [14] that blue that looks really good in velvet

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU… [15] made new friends: yeah! [16] fallen out of love: yes? im not sure if it was love to begin w sooo [17] laughed until you cried: bruh i did like 3 hours ago lol [18] found out someone was talking about you: yeah apparently im “famous” at best buy bc my coworker (who also works there) was telling his coworkers about shenanigans him and i get into [19] met someone who changed you: yee [20] found out who your true friends are: yeah. ive cut out a lot of people but its for the better [21] kissed someone on your facebook list: not currently lol (my current bf isnt my friend on facebook lmao)

GENERAL… [22] how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: most of them tbh, but i need to go through and clean out my friends list [23] do you have any pets: 3 cats and a doggo [24] do you want to change your name: nah but a nickname would be cool [25] what did you do for your last birthday: i didnt work i saw Fantastic Beasts in the morn and had lunch w my bf, then hung out w my friends and had dinner w them and the fam, went home and played sims [26] what time did you wake up: 7-730ish am [27] what were you doing at midnight last night: coming home from work/starting precal hw [28] name something you cannot wait for: obviously voltron season 3 but i also want to jsut get thru the next few weeks bc work is going to be a n i g h t m a r e and i want my suffering to be over asap [29] when was the last time you saw your mother: 2 hours ago [30] what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: honestly i would go back in time and tell little middle school me to try out for region (bc i honestly believe if i had just had a year or two more expirience auditioning, then i wouldve made the all state choir) and then go to junior yr me and say “stop being an angry ho and c a l m d o w n . i wish i could go back a year from today and tell myself that the management position is not worth it. to find another job while i can. (however, i use my job as motivation to do well in school: “do well, keep up my gpa, get my degree. i dont want to be at the movie theater forever”) [31] what are you listening to right now: my klance playlist (death of a bachelor is currently playing) [32] have you ever talked to a person named tom: ive talked to a tommy and someone whos last name is toms [33] something that is getting on your nerves: anything customer related/ “can an available manager come to the stand for an employee purchase” [34] most visited website: college homepage, math hw website, tumblr, gmail, netflix (recently made my friend watch voltron every MWF after out speech class lol) [35] elementary: my awkward acne/glasses/pre-braces/braces phase. also i wore training bras for 3 yrs bc i was so uncomfortable w my boobs that i couldnt tell my mom i needed an actual bra [36] high school: i can look at pictures and tell by my smile where i lost my childish innocence (halfway thru junior yr) [37] college: community rn, but i plan on transfering to tamu and getting at least a bachelors in environmental science. i have to research into carriers to see if a masters/phd is worth it, but that is something im interested in [38] hair color: blonde when clean [39] long or short hair: the question of the century. i look good w a lob, but i also love braiding hair sooo [40] do you have a crush on someone: i mean i have a crush on my bf lance [41] what do you like about yourself: i guess im funny. i can sing the whole danny phantom theme song [42] piercings: triples in each ear, helix and double forward helix in my right ear (planning on getting a faux snug in my left ear eventually. id like a nose ring, but work wont let me. i maybe want a belly button ring, if i decide to work out for it lol as if) [43]blood type: i dunno, but looking at it makes me queasy so [44] nickname: maycakers, big titty t, mak [45] relationship status: long term relationship (idk how many months now but its over 2 yrs so) [46] zodiac sign: scorpio [47] pronouns: she/her. [48] fav tv show: voltron, avatar the last airbender (im laughing i typed “airbeder” at firs), the office, drake and josh [49] tattoos: never (ill stick w piercings) [50] right or left hand: right

FIRST… [51] surgery: does having a wart dug out of my toe count [52] piercing: the standard single pair when i was 6 [53] best friend: aaliyah but once we got to middle school we didnt have classes together and i didnt see her much in highschool (i heard about her bc she broke a lot of sports records. shes gonna be an olympian in 2020 y’all. i can feel it) [54] sport: does drill team count [55] vacation: we went to the state capitol w my grandparents [56] pair of trainers: wtf are trainers

RIGHT NOW… [57] eating: nothing bc my stomach is currently revolting [58] drinking: grape powerade [59] i’m about to: take a nap gd im tired [60] listening to: euphoria by loreen [61] waiting for: sleep to take me [62] want: my period back ache to stop [63] get married: i want to get married so bad i want to be super domestic and have a bb and that kid is gonna recycle EVERYTHING and i will love them [64] career: ecologist? environmental researcher? environmental biologist? agricultural reformer? idk i just want to do something w the environment

WHICH IS BETTER… [65] hugs or kisses: hugs [66] lips or eyes: eyes are pretty [67] shorter or taller: taller bc then ur head is in their chest when u hug. or u have to get on tippy toes to kiss. yes. [68] older or younger: older older older [70] nice arms or nice stomach: yknow stomaches are nice and all but u cant see them bc shirts. u can see arms tho ohmy [71] sensitive or loud: idk im loud so [72] hook up or relationship: relationship ftw. hook ups sound...really gross to me (my ace ass cant fathom hookups lol) [73] troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER… [74] kissed a stranger? ew no [75] drank hard liquor? the only thing ive ever drank ever is a shot of cherry sake (i spit that back out it was gross) and a shot of goldschlager (which cleared sinuses i didnt know i had and made me reaaaalllly giggly) [76] lost glasses/contact lenses? lmao all the time [77] turned someone down: yeah [78] sex on first date? no [79] broken someone’s heart? yes [80] had your own heart broken? not really? i felt sad both times i broke up w my ex but i knew it was for the best [81] been arrested? no but ive had someone threaten me w calling the cops [82] cried when someone died? my granny, cat, hamster [83] fallen for a friend? i mean my bf was my friend before we dated so i guess

DO YOU BELIEVE IN… [84] yourself? tbh i am super confident in my schoolwork and just... not at all at work [85] miracles? yeah but sometimes they fail me [86] love at first sight? no [87] Santa Claus? rip [88] kiss on the first date? ehhh [89] angels? maybe

OTHER… [90] current best friend’s name: CALLIE [91] eye color: blue [92] favorite movie: oh fuq i love tangled and anastasia

i dont know 20 people or whatever so imma tag @pierce-the-llama, @marcoandthebodts (you sent me one of these like 55245 years ago and i shall do it now lol), @connors-sweet-ass, and @justklance if y’all want to

#ask meme #kinda lol #tagged #92 things #personal #this took me way to long to type up lolll

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emygrl99 · 7 years

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Tag! #5

@shavothehusky the last one!

Rules: Write 92 truths about yourself then tag 25 people

LAST… [1] drink: water [2] phone call: @askornaut (I’m counting skype as a phone call :p) [3] text message: @shishiswordsman [4] song you listened to: Hey Soul Sister by Train [5] time you cried: hm, I can’t really remember? It’s been a while

HAVE YOU EVER… [6] dated someone twice: nope [7] been cheated on: gotta be ina relationship to be cheated on [8] kissed someone and regretted it: never even kissed someone once [9] lost someone special: yeah, I would say so [10] been depressed: not really [11] gotten drunk and thrown up: I’m underage, so no

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLORS: [12] blue [13] red [14] green

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU… [15] made new friends: yes!! including @askornaut and @4annfals to name a couple [16] fallen out of love: gotta fall in love to fall out of love, but I guess in a more metaphorical way, yes [17] laughed until you cried: yes xD [18] found out someone was talking about you: actually yes? :/ [19] met someone who changed you: absolutely [20] found out who your true friends are: I wouldn’t say found out as in a single even revealed the truth, but yes, gradually :) [21] kissed someone on your facebook list: see 8

GENERAL… [22] how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: I don’t even use facebook man so all of them? [23] do you have any pets: yes! An asshole cat named Indy and a big ol dog named Hank :) [24] do you want to change your name: not really [25] what did you do for your last birthday: um, I got One Piece Burning Blood and Fallout 3 as a present? I didn’t really do anything special though [26] what time did you wake up: 11 am whoops xD [27] what were you doing at midnight last night: sleeping [28] name something you cannot wait for: graduation [29] when was the last time you saw your mother: like 20 minutes ago [30] what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: stand up for myself more [31] what are you listening to right now: Lost Boy by Ruth B [32] have you ever talked to a person named tom: I don’t know??? Probably??? [33] something that is getting on your nerves: not ever being in the mood to work on my op big bang project ;-; [34] most visited website: tumblr, obviously, other than that probably ao3 or netflix [35] elementary: …like what, u want the name of my school? [36] high school: ?? I’m not saying where I live xD [37] college: gonna go to university of cincinnati :) [38] hair color: light brown but I’ve been dying it the past couple years [40] do you have a crush on someone: I have many platonic crushed on many people (you know who you are) [41] what do you like about yourself: I like that I know where to draw the line, and I think I look pretty cute most days :) [42] piercings: pfft no I hate needles [43] blood type: ??? red?? [44] nickname: Emy, Em [45] relationship status: single [46] zodiac sign: virgo [47] pronouns: she/her [48] fav tv show: one piece, but if anime doesn’t count then voltron [49] tattoos: see 42 [50] right or left hand: right

FIRST… [51] surgery: it was on my gums/teeth when I was in elementary school? My teeth were fucked up as a kid [52] piercing: see 42 [53] best friend: @shishiswordsman @leafyxthiefy @askornaut amongst others [54] sport: color guard [55] vacation: my very first vacation?? I have no idea, probably disney world [56] pair of trainers: ????

RIGHT NOW… [57] eating: nope [58] drinking: nope [59] i’m about to: go shopping [60] listening to: Bad Blood by Taylor Swift [61] waiting for: a friend to come visit this summer :D [62] want: more pillowssssss [63] get married: no way [64] career: hahaha

WHICH IS BETTER… [65] hugs or kisses: hugs :) [66] lips or eyes: eyes [67] shorter or taller: idk [68] older or younger: I don’t care [70] nice arms or nice stomach: umm nah [71] sensitive or loud: why can’t I have both? [72] hook up or relationship: none of the above (relationship) [73] troublemaker or hesitant: I don’t care xD

HAVE YOU EVER… [74] kissed a stranger: see 8 [75] drank hard liquor: see 11 [76] lost glasses/contact lenses: lol yes [77] turned someone down: yeah [78] sex on first date: I think you can guess the answer to this one (wtf?) [79] broken someone’s heart: I hope not [80] had your own heart broken: no [81] been arrested: no xD [82] cried when someone died: I’ve been lucky enough that nobody important in my life has died yet, so no. But you better believe I’ll sob buckets when it happens [83] fallen for a friend: can you platonically fall for a friend..?

DO YOU BELIEVE IN… [84] yourself: most of the time [85] miracles: yes [86] love at first sight: no [87] Santa Claus: no xD [88] kiss on the first date: see 8 (what is with all these kissing questions smh) [89] angels: no, but the idea is nice

OTHER… [90] current best friend’s name: Julia, Elliot, etc (: [91] eye color: hazel [92] favorite movie: Moana, atm, but I also love Tangled!

I TAG:

nobody cause I’m finally freeee. Thanks for putting up with the spam, I’m done for the day :) sorry again to the mutuals who had to wait so long on me lol

#tag thing #mention spree 2k17 #these were starting to get repetitive thank god I'm done

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genuine-firefly · 7 years

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Another survey!

I was tagged by @mars-colony

Rules: Answer all questions, add one question of your own, and tag as many people as there are questions.

1. Coke or Pepsi: Coke 2: Disney or Dreamworks: Both 3: Coffee or tea: Coffee  4: Books or movies: Books 5: Windows or Mac: Windows 6: DC or Marvel: Marvel  7: Xbox or Playstation: PlayStation 8: Dragon Age or Mass Effect: Neither 9: Night owl or early riser: Night Owl 10: Cards or chess: Cards 11: Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate 12: Vans or Converse: Neither  13: Lavellan, Trevelyan, Cadash, or Adaar: Who? 14: Fluff or angst: FLUFF  15: Beach or forest: Forest… though I’m allergic to a lot of trees. 😞  16: Dogs or Cats: I love both! Probably lean slightly more towards cats. Unfortunately, same problem as above. I’m allergic to both. 😢  17: Clear skies or rain: Both  18: Cooking or eating out: Eating out. Both hubby and I suck at cooking. I like my Mommy’s home cooked meals though.  19: Spicy food or mild food: Mild  20: Halloween/Samhain or Solstice/Yule/Christmas: Christmas  21: Would you rather forever be a little too cold or a little too hot (and no the winter coats and AC’s are not an option): I don’t get what they mean in the parentheses. I suppose slightly too cold. You can always cuddle with someone to warm up. 😘  22: If you could have a superpower, what would it be: Being able to remember anything I want to. Meaning if there are things I don’t want to remember I can just forget it too. Perfect memory could be really annoying, but at will memory would be awesome. I could learn things and retain information I want.  23: Animation or live action: Animation  24: Paragon or renegade: What? 25: Baths or showers: Showers 26: Team Cap or Team Ironman: Cap 27: Fantasy or Sci-Fi: Fantasy  28: Do you have three or four favorite quotes, if so what are they? If not do you think you will in future?: TF? Why is this question 3 or 4? Um…. “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.” -Chinese Proverb That’s the only quote I can think of right now.

29. Youtube or Netflix: Netflix  30. Classic Disney, Disney Renaissance, or Modern Disney?: WTF is Disney Renaissance?? Omg. I’m just old I guess. XD I like Beauty and the Beast, Mulan, Aladdin, Lilo and Stitch, Frozen, and Tangled.  31. What would you tell your younger self?: You want to be an accountant. Try different foods, they are delicious and you can only eat anything you want when you’re young. XD  32. If you could change one thing about the world around you, what would it be?: I’d make everyone born with magic or super powers? Lol. There is too much I would seriously want to change that it’s hard to decide where to start.  33. Make music or listen to music?: Listen  34. Shakespeare’s Comedies or Tragedies?: Neither.  35. What Song do you have stuck in your head right now?: "There's a Rumor in St. Petersburg" from Anastasia  36. Going to a concert or to a huge party?: Concert if it's classical  37. If you could meet a fictional character who would it be?: Victor Nikiforov  38 . Do you have songs that make you feel strong? if so what are they?: Um.... I dunno about strong... 39. Name all of your pets: Unfortunately I have none. 😞 I tag: no one. No one ever does it.

#love these things

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jackymedan · 7 years

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I was tagged by @theniftycat

rules: answer all questions, add one question of your own and tag as many people as there are questions.

1. coke or pepsi: coke (cherry coke specifically)

2. disney or dreamworks: disney

3. coffee or tea: tea, I tried several times but I really don’t like coffee

4. books or movies: I definitely prefer the books over their movie adaptations 80% of the time, but sometimes I don’t have the spoons to read and movies are ‘easier’ and some movies aren’t based on books so :)) idk

5. windows or mac: never tried mac, I’ve been used to windows all my life so I don’t think I could switch to anything else even if I wanted to (I don’t like change)

6. dc or marvel: neither.. I don’t care about comics in general tbh, nor about action/superhero movies..

7. x-box or playstation: I’ve only played some games on a playstation 2 but never used an x-box in my life.. I pick nintendo :))

8. dragon age or mass effect: I haven’t played either, I’m not much into games anymore

9. night owl or early riser: night owl all the way

10. cards or chess: idk.. I kind of like chess but I’m really bad at it.. so cards I guess

11. chocolate or vanilla: chocolate, but depends on which kind of food/dessert tbh.. sometimes I prefer vanilla (like a muffin is already heavy enough on its own, chocolate muffins always make me kind of nauseous)

12. vans or converse: vans (but actually I prefer Globe shoes)

13. Lavellan, Trevelyan, Cadash, or Adaar: ?????

14. fluff or angst: Fluff all the way (I tend to avoid angst as much as I can)

15. beach or forest: forest, I kind of hate beaches.. especially in summer.. there’s too much sand and too little shade

16. dogs or cats: cats

17. clear skies or rain: clear skies.. rain is too wet

18. cooking or eating out: I hardly ever go out to eat, I don’t trust the menus, they always put ingredients in it I hate or don’t want to eat, also eating in public makes me nervous.. the only exception to this is Subway, I love Subway and will go to it every opportunity I get.. but yeah.. I don’t like cooking either but I prefer it to going out any day

19. spicy food or mild food: mild, I legit love Bland White People Food(tm) ok, I have sensory issues and don’t like strong flavours in general..

20. halloween/samhain or solstice/yule/christmas: we don’t celebrate halloween here but I don’t like christmas (although dsss makes me actually have something to look forward to that day) so I still pick halloween

21. would you rather forever be a little too cold or a little too hot: I am already perpetually a little too cold.. but my body doesn’t like it very much.. does this mean you can still put on warm clothes or do those not help against the cold either?

22. if you could have a superpower, what would it be: idk being invisible or telekinesis (or slowing down time, it goes way too fast tbh)

23. animation or live action:live action

24. paragon or renegade: what

25. baths or showers: showers are already enough of a hassle for me, baths aren’t worth the trouble

26. team cap or team iron man: I haven’t seen civil war but team cap I guess

27. fantasy or sci-fi: idk both..?

28. do you have three or four favourite quotes, if so what are they: why three or four specifically wtf, I like quotes from Amélie but they’re in french: “Si Amélie préfère vivre dans la rêve et rester une jeune fille introvertie, c’est son droit” and “Les temps sont durs pour les rêveurs”

29. youtube or netflix: I don’t have netflix

30. harry potter or percy jackson: never read/watched percy jackson

31. when you feel accomplished: whenever I finally finish a drawing and I’m happy with how it turned out.. or when I’m otherwise productive in a day compared to usual..

32. star wars or star trek: I love Star Trek TOS (haven’t seen any of the other ST adaptations).. I don’t care for Star wars..

33. paperback books or hardback books: depends, sometimes paperbacks are cheaper and easier, but if it’s a very big book it’s easier to read/keep it neat if it’s a hardback..

34. fantastic beasts or cursed child: haven’t seen/read either

35. evans, pratt, hemsworth, or pine: idk evans or pratt I guess

36. tangled, frozen, or moana: haven’t seen any of these

37. opera or ballet: ballet is pretty :) I can never understand any of the words in opera and I don’t really like that type of singing in general tbh..

#lalalameme #not tagging anyone but do it if you want to

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theherblifeblog · 4 years

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Let's Get Stoned and Zoned with These Suggestions

Leighana Martindale

It’s a weird time where we all have a lot of time to kill! While some of us still have to go to work [You are a hero if this is you!! - thank you!] most of us are slowly starting to lose our minds.

And while there a bunch of amazing ways for us to stimulate our brains during this time, sometimes we just want to get stoned and zone out. So this list is for you if you’re looking for something to help you forget about the state of the world.

6 Netflix Shows to Binge:

Tiger King

This show is absolutely insane and I almost feel like Netflix was sitting on this waiting for us all to be home! This show includes murder, drugs, hillbillies, and a whole lot of big cats! I promise you your mind will be blown and you’ll definitely have a ton of wtf?! Moments during this series.

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Grace and Frankie

This is probably one of, if not my all-time favorite shows. Frankie is by far my favorite television character. Her let loose, fuck it, yet be peaceful attitude is the most relatable and literal goals for when I grow up. Follow along with Lily Tomlin and Jane Fonda as their husbands leave them to get married to each other.

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Charmed

The power of three is definitely a power not to be messed with. These badass sister witches fight demons and all different kinds of evil in this nostalgic 90s tv show. Definitely recommend if you’re into mystical types of TV shows - nothing too realistic or violent though, so safe to watch!

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Gilmore Girls

Ahh yes, the mother-daughter duo that we all want to be. Another nostalgic tv show, step back in time with Gilmore girls and even the year in the life Netflix series they did.

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Love is Blind

Normally I am not one for reality tv and definitely not one to recommend it but this experiment was so addicting to watch! The premise is that people meet in these pods so you never see the person, only talk to them - the end goal being to fall in love and get married! It’s crazy, Smoke a joint and watch it, you’ll be into it.

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Shine On

Causing a range of emotions, this show is so well done and so badass. Reese Witherspoon meets with different badass women from different sectors of work and talks with them about their jobs and social constructs. You will probably cry, and it’ll probably be during the episode with p!nk.

11 Instagram Accounts to Follow

The following accounts are our faves and we think you might like them too!

@xeniaadonts

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A Sunday well spent 🥺🥰❤️ what has everybody been doing today?

A post shared by Xenia Adonts (@xeniaadonts) on Apr 5, 2020 at 10:59am PDT

@realfunwow

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A post shared by daren thomas magee (@realfunwow) on Mar 30, 2020 at 7:20am PDT

@savinamonet

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✨ True Goddess vibes today! ✨ #goddessvibesonly #cannabiscollage #weedart #savinamonet

A post shared by Freelance Cannabis Designer (@savinamonet) on Feb 27, 2020 at 1:35pm PST

@smokeladyjays

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Rule #299: Be a bad bitch, be whatever you want✨ #smokeladyjays . . . . . . . . . . #portland #joints #jays #jointpacks #prerolls #cbg #cbd #thc #pdx #portlandoregon #oregon #supportwomen #neonsign #badbitch #cannabis #hemp #cannabiscreative

A post shared by @ smokeladyjays on Mar 11, 2020 at 6:01pm PDT

@the_herblife

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0 days without sarcasm ⁣ ⁣ ⁣ Model @iamcatjay Photography @just_callme_t T-shirt @shopherblife

A post shared by The Her(b) Life (@the_herblife) on Aug 1, 2019 at 10:11am PDT

@mysticmamma

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*NEW MOON* in SAGITTARIUS 11/26/19 After plunging the depths we rise! Those of us who gave up the ghost are resurrecting from the funeral pyre. Sagittarius brings us a passionate impulse to radically burst forth in a new direction, to cast off our clothing and shackles, and let our arrows fly. And while there’s a real wind that can lift us to higher ground, we can temper our impulses with a grounded strategic vision to expand in the ways our Soul has deeply desired. It’s the result of genuine healing which allows us to be brave hearts, ready to face whatever challenges may arise, because we are coming from our authentic truth. That is the freedom net that Sagittarius casts forth, as the light breaks upon the horizon… ::: PAT LILES says : “our horizons expand : Axis Mundi : allow love and connection to all beings be the guiding force : release where we have felt wounded in love and respect : acceleration and evolution: differentiating from the dominant culture : deep in our dream-creating essence : welcome in what awaits us after our lengthy surrender of the old” : PAM YOUNGHANS: “tune our thoughts to the right vibrations in order to attract the right results : AND being open to the Will of the Cosmos” : APRIL ELLIOT KENT: “Envisioning something that hasn’t existed before : ignore nay-sayers : resist the urge to imitate others : keep dreaming bigger dreams for ourselves, and for our world” : ELLIAS LONSDALE: “something extraordinary is happening : liberated to conceive the inconceivable and to renew your tangled and damaged roots in the old wise woman way that never ages and always works” ::: Full download >mysticmamma.com ARTbyme #MYSTICMAMMA > “EROS ARROW” (Edited) Limited Edition Prints in shop ↠🖤

A post shared by MYSTIC MAMMA (@mysticmamma) on Nov 25, 2019 at 8:22am PST

@comfortablefields

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Checking every flower until I find me🖤

A post shared by Sabrina Bosco (@comfortablefields) on Feb 9, 2020 at 9:51am PST

@_kallenmikel

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Today is the last day of my buy two get one special. Buy two prints get one free (even when you use the code stayhealthy for 35% off). Dm or email me which print you’d like added to your order.

A post shared by Kallen Mikel Art (@_kallenmikel) on Apr 6, 2020 at 7:13am PDT

@futureearth

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I just want to be able to tell my kids I did everything I could.

A post shared by steph & max 🌏 (@futureearth) on Mar 23, 2020 at 8:32am PDT

@kimmietorgerson

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i'm viewing this time as our opportunity to reconnect with ourselves and the people and place that gives us life (ahem, planet earth). life has been stripped back for the majority of the world. we've lost access to daily distractions. we're forced to isolate. some of us are really, really sick. some of us don't have the privilege to stay at home. yet all of us are going through this together. how are you treating others during this time? have you reached out and checked in? are you checking in with yourself? if you have access, are you engaging with nature? have we all thought about how our earth gives and gives and gives, how humans take and take and take? are you observing how this whole thing has interrupted your typical daily consumption?

A post shared by kimmie torgerson (@kimmietorgerson) on Mar 22, 2020 at 11:39am PDT

@highvibecurator

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It’s all in the details baby, what are you manifesting? #dailyaffirmations #dailymotivationalquotes

A post shared by High(er) Vibrations (@highvibecurator) on Mar 22, 2020 at 11:17am PDT

Strains to Puff Puff on:

- GDP

Granddaddy Purple is one of my favorite Indica cultivars. With deep purple notes and a strongly sweet and earthly aroma, it’s hard not to enjoy this strain and its one that’s been around for years.

- Hindu Kush

Another amazing Indica, and one with an international fan base, Hindu kush has that deep piney smell with strong notes of caryophyllene.

- Orange Cookies

This delicious strain not only has notes of sweet orange but that pungy gasoline smell that a lot of the cookies family is infamous for.

- Sour Tangie

Of course a true favorite, sour tangie is a delicious cross of tangie x sour diesel giving you that sweet orange with a sour chem flavor that is strong! If you’re lucky enough to get some bud from the highly sought after genetics - which comes from true NY sour diesel genetics, then you should count your blessings and use a hemp-wick!

[p.s.: smoking with Hemp-wick helps you taste the true terpene profile of a flower instead of burning those flavors with butane]

- Do-si-dos

A huge hit in cannabis markets across the world lately, do-si-dos has a strong and pleasant aroma to it and is apart of the cookies family. Do-si-dos genetics are og kush x girl scout cookies so you can imagine how tasty it truly is.

- Helen Back

This strain has such a good terpene profile and beautiful bud structure, especially when you are getting high noon cult’s cut of it! Their genetics and the love they put into their bud’s are amazing! Helen back is an animal cookies cross and one I would highly recommend seeking out!

#netflix #tv shows #instagram accounts #leighana #cultivars #strains

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witchofenoch · 7 years

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Personal post. Content warnings: PTSD, depression, anxiety, self-hatred, self-doubt, frustration, miscarriage, infertility, gender issues, trans issues, emotional abuse, childhood abuse, nightmares, insomnia, prostitution mentioned but didn't occur, childhood sexual abuse alluded to, physical abuse implied

Writing the warnings is so tiring I usually discard the post before I even finish with them. Nothing's getting better or easier tonight though. I just want to read until I fall asleep and have decent dreams and wake up feeling human. Instead I'm wide awake at midnight, chest full to bursting with frustration and anger and grief and fear.

I'm frustrated with so much, it's a shorter list by far of what isn't frustrating me. My biggest frustration? Myself. Not just because of my mental illnesses or autism or dysphoria or anything like that; I'm frustrated as hell at my nightmares. I want to sleep, NEED to just sleep, but I'd rather be awake for 4 straight days, pass out, repeat. I'm terrified of seeing that monster. With every nightmare he touches me more and my dream self excuses and forgives him more. Maybe some people could accept that as healing or moving on, but it's pure terror for me. What he did was completely unforgivable. He is the worst of the monsters out there. I feel like I've been hexed, like there's something attached to me that's gnawing at my soul and tearing at my mind.

I'm so damn angry. At him, absolutely, but also at the many, many adults who were around when I was a kid: who knew something was wrong and chose to ignore it: who blocked it out with no thought spared for the child going through it. The adults who blamed my mom, my sister, and me for his behavior. The people who took advantage of me later knowing that I knew nothing else or nothing better. The kids in high school who started rumors that I was a prostitute because he, "an old man," "picked [me] up at the bus stop" and made me "kiss him" on the lips when I was a teenager (quotes around the parts they spread through about half of the school, though they exaggerated the lewdness which has only fueled my nightmares since). It's been a decade and a half and my anger toward all of them hasn't eased: mostly it's gotten worse. I look at the kids my sister nannies, friends' kids, celebs' kids, and I cannot fathom someone hurting them. I'm angry at being left alone to grieve every loss in my life, being told to "get over it" or being flat-out ignored until I could "get it together" long enough to fake being okay. I'm angry at the would-have-been fathers for making me suffer in silence. (One didn't and we're friends to this day. He deserves to be mentioned.)

I'm grieving. I'm mourning the kid I couldn't be, the me who was taken before they were made, the years I don't remember, the adult I'll never be, the freedom I'll never feel, the memories I didn't get to make. I'm mourning the years wasted trying to get someone to pay attention to me: to show me some kind, any kind, of affection. Even the high school dances I couldn't attend, first because I was in fear for my life and later because no one wanted me around. I'm grieving for the miscarriages I've had, all 7 of them, all 8 could-have-beens.

I'm afraid and it's exhausting. Flinching at every single sudden noise. My heart pounding almost as loud as the knocks on the door. Always scanning the room or courtyard or parking garage for escape routes before I notice anything else around me. Feeling physically ill for the rest of the day after I smell certain colognes, shampoos, laundry detergents. Frantically glancing around to find potential weapons when I see an Iron Maiden t-shirt on a stocky guy around my height or almost-pastel short-sleeved button up shirts with a front pocket on one side or a petite brunette wearing a mini-skirt. (Abusers come in all shapes, sizes, and genders, fyi.) Straight-up hiding behind shelves in stores or behind a rack of clothes, in bathrooms, fitting rooms, closets, a dark corner until the people who sorta look or sound like One of Them is gone. Hiding (from) my phone when I get a call from "Unknown" or just numbers I don't know. Blocking or deactivating cameras and mics in my computers, phones, and tablets because yes, I've been hacked by abusers more than once. Hiding under a blanket when I read at night because when I was a kid it was the only time I felt safe aside from when I'd climb to the top of my tree. Being unable to sleep if the door is cracked open. Startling awake at anything that sounds like a door slamming shut, a window opening, someone knocking on the door, wall, or windows. Waking up with panic for no discernable reason. Cringing at certain words. Wanting to fight someone if they call a girl, boy, or woman "babydoll," "doll face," "little girl/boy," "little one," "baby girl/boy" (if they're 5 or older), or any other infantilizing pet name because You Will Not Hurt Them.

I'm tired. So damn tired. My shoulders are sore, my hips ache, my knees throb, my wrists ache, my back aches, my head hurts, my neck is stiff and sore, my chest feels like it's in a vice, my boobs hurt, and all of that is all the time. I have scars from the back of my head to ankles. I have old injuries that'll probably never heal. I have crap wrong that I was just unlucky enough to have been born with. I have things wrong with me that doctors can't figure out, like why I've had 7 miscarriages over 11 years and not one pregnancy that lasted more than 12 weeks. Things doctors refuse to fix, like removing my boobs which constantly ache, touching certain areas causes sharp pain (they have all of that on file and diagnosed), and I can't gain and maintain a healthy weight because the dysphoria messes me up (but good luck getting good trans "counseling" and docs and a surgeon who'll "diagnose" you as trans with dysphoria AND agree to operate to make you LESS feminine in any way in Churchy McChurchville). "Insurance won't cover it." "You might regret it." "What if you decide to have kids later." (That last one is a whole other can of worms and I need all of that stuff out of me too but even at almost 30 I'm condescended and told I'll change my mind, regret it, meet a Really Nice Guy™ and want to start a family, blah blah bull.)

I've had my battles with insomnia for as long as I can remember (which, for more than bits-and-pieces, is only as far back as 14). I've had night terrors since I was an infant. I've stayed awake for almost 60 hours, and I've slept for 25 hours straight. For a while in high school I was so scared that I got an hour or two of sleep a day when my sister was home and awake but her boyfriend wasn't there. That would last 6 days out of the week. I'd crash for 10-12 hours on my mom's day off. Rinse and repeat for 2 or 3 years. I've been a homeless kid, a couch surfing teenager, and a constantly moving adult. I haven't lived in one place for more than 2 years since we left The Monster when I was a preteen. Even then, I've shuffled around from my parents' house to my sister's apartments (she moves every couple of years too) to my grandma's house before she moved into an independent living place. (It's actually nice. I was the hardest to convince.) I may have found a place to stay for a while: the area if not the apartment.

Still.. the nightmares. Waking up sideways across the bed. Waking up so tangled in my covers I start panicking trying to get out. Seeing their faces until I finally blink them away. Smelling beer or smoke as I'm finally drifting off. Night terrors. Waking up with bruises around my arms, wrists, and legs. Waking up still feeling like someone's touching me, hurting me, or breathing down my neck. My dreams can be totally mundane except A or C or, the most often and worst, The Monster will be there. When it's A or C they'll be watching me, talking to me, chasing me, fighting me, screaming at me. It's a nightmare, stressful as hell, but I recover and go about my day just a tad more on edge. The Monster will just show up and we'll act like we're trying to form a relationship, like he's gotten nice and I've been forgiving. But every time he touches me I feel so sick I'm surprised I don't wake up. My sister and sometimes others show up trying to make me stop the farce, but I'm always too scared.

This last dream, night before last.. It was boring, nothing remarkable was going on. Then The Monster showed up in a city cop's blue uniform. In that world he was apparently an actual cop. With each nightmare dream!me has let him slowly get closer and closer and had long-arm hugged him before this. He'd "accidentally" brush my arm when walking by or bump his leg against mine while sitting next to me. This time he, the cop iteration of him, reached up for something on a shelf above me and was pressed against my back. He hugged me. He had me sit almost on his lap. At first I was nauseated, then accepting of it, then my sister showed up and gave me the "wtf are you doing!?" face and I got scared. Eventually I woke up, probably when my brother-in-law left for work or maybe he came into the room to feed the fish. I'm just glad I woke up when I did and things stopped escalating.

Ugh. "2am and I'm still awake writing a song. If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threatening the life it belongs to. And I feel like I'm naked in front of a crowd 'cause these words are my diary screaming out loud and I know that you'll use them however you want to." I don't know. Whenever I'm up late writing, or trying to write, the stuff I'm going through that song comes to mind. So much of it is relatable for me.

"May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss. 'Just today' he said down to the flask in his fist. Ain't been sober since maybe October of last year." Turning 21 in May and not being sober for months before that applies to a past abuser. The drunk in the military part applies to another. Really, every word of it applies to a rather small part of my life when a lot of connected events occurred. At least, after the first verse (about going with a friend to be there for her when she got an abortion) and "writing a song" unless you take "song" metaphorically as it's been used in literature, trope names, and poetry, and lyrics to mean story, tale, or speech (e.g., a "songbird telling his tale," swan song, "singing to the choir").

I should hop off this carousel before it opens into a drain. It's about 2:45am now. I'm just starting to feel sleepy, but I'm still as mentally awake as before. I hope getting this out helps me sleep a little better, at least for a night or so.

#personal #witche

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