#wka long post

[wen-kexing-apologist]

Unknown, Ep 10: Qian and Yuan

I’ve had a few people ask if I was going to do a breakdown post for the final scene between Qian and Yuan. Admittedly, I was not planning on doing so, but I like the attention 😈 so I will! 

Last we left off, Qian and San Pang were having a very difficult conversation, San Pang forced Qian to think about the future and was kicked out as a result. 

We start with a moment with each character to themselves. Qian closes the door behind San Pang and we see him hand at the door for a second, head hung in a way that feels very tired. He walks away from the door back to the couch to grab his glasses and wrap up the evening, when the camera cuts to Yuan sitting on the staircase, just out of sight of Qian. 

We see Yuan look up at the ceiling, take a deep breath, and then slowly move his eyes back to center. He is processing everything that he just heard from San Pang and Qian. Yuan is trying to keep himself composed here, he knows that Qian will be heading up the stairs eventually and so he stays seated because he wants Qian to know that he heard everything. Because Yuan is fucking mad. 

Qian heads up the stairs and we get, what could not be a more perfect little deer in headlights look from Qian as he processes that Yuan has heard everything. And I do love what this show does in how it portrays its characters because Yuan is still Qian’s little brother, and his face in the camera looks like that of an upset little kid. “Xiao Yuan,” Qian says as Yuan stands up and rushes down the stairs. In such a quick moment, Chris rolls his eyes, looks up, and then down like Qian is annoyed at Yuan’s behavior while knowing that he is absolutely going to have to be the one to handle it. 

Yuan brushes past him, but Qian immediately turns and follows after him, calls after him, tells him to wait. But Yuan keeps walking. Where he’s going? I have no fucking clue, but it is clear that Qian’s words aren’t going to cut it. Yuan has heard everything that Qian told San Pang. He’s heard about Qian’s wish for their happiness, he’s heard San Pang tell Qian that they love each other, that they have tried everything to make them not love each other, and what he hasn’t heard is an answer to San Pang’s question: 

“Do you want him to have a future without you?”

I don’t know exactly what (if any) part of the conversation acted as the tipping point for Yuan, but he has been pissed the entire episode about Qian hiding his medical stuff from him. So I can imagine that not hearing an answer from Qian about wanting to be in Yuan’s future might serve as a last straw kind of deal. 

And it marks a very important change in Qian that he runs after Yuan this time, that he physically puts himself in front of Yuan to stop him. Because he doesn’t want Yuan to go somewhere to cool off the way he did during Yuan’s first confession four years prior. He doesn’t want to just wait it out. He actually wants to talk to Yuan about where his head is at. That is huge progress from Mr. Hit First Talk Later. 

“Ge.” Yuan says, and then lets out a very big breath, like he’s trying to temper his feelings, but the frustration still bleeds out of him “It was never your fault,” 

Ah, here we go. What set Yuan off is Qian talking with San Pang about the Russian Roulette, reading between the lines there and understanding that Qian is scared of giving in to his feelings for Yuan because he blames himself for how deeply, how steadfastly Yuan loves him. Yuan is willing to die for him, and Qian has never had that before. He’s scared of giving in to his feelings for Yuan because he is scared of losing Yuan, and he is scared that Yuan’s love for him means Yuan will be lost because of him. 

“It was never your fault,” Yuan said and he put his hands on Qian’s shoulders. 

I do not even know how to describe the look Qian gives Yuan when he heard those words, nor can I really tell you what emotion(s) Qian is feeling in that moment, but I can tell you that I am obsessed with that look on his face. It’s like his breath catches in his throat and there is an ambiguity there, just like there was a bit of ambiguity in the head nod he gave San Pang, because he’s out of breath from running after Yuan, but there is also this chance that the pause in his breathing there is because of what Yuan said. Anyway: 

“Even though I know that in the end you might not want all that I’ve given-” 

Yuan says, while Qian looks down in the direction of his shoulders, where Yuan’s hands were just a moment ago. They made excellent casting choices here, I actually think for this scene it is really important that Kurt is taller than Chris, because it adds some extra power to Yuan’s position for me here. The way Yuan looks down at Qian makes him seem even more pissed off about the entire situation, almost like he’s belittling Qian. He wants to dig a knife in here, and he’s being successful at it

“Hearing it first hand still hurts a little,” 

And we are back in our original confession dynamic. Qian is not looking at Yuan, Yuan refuses to look away from Qian. Qian looks kind of out of it, I would say he is dissociating a little bit, but I actually think what is happening here is that Qian is getting hit with the full force of Yuan’s words. I think he is absorbing and processing everything that is being said and understanding how not making a decision is hurting Yuan. Mostly because of how quick his reaction time is to trying to stop Yuan from walking away immediately after he says it hurts. 

“I’ll be fine. I just need some time.” Yuan says, and I do think he means it. I think when Yuan came back from the States he had reached a point where he could live without Qian changing their relationship status, even if he didn’t want to. 

But as Yuan tries to walk away, Qian stops him.

“I didn’t mean it that way,” look at him using his words!  Qian looks so fucking exhausted when he does. The world has weighed heavy on him for so long, he’s been fighting an internal battle with himself about his feelings for Yuan for ages. It’s a lot, and the way Chris holds Qian here makes it feel like a lot. But, Yuan finally settles, because Qian is willing to engage in conversation. He is trying to clarify a misunderstanding, he is not outright rejecting Yuan here, he is not running away from talking about his feelings for Yuan. And so Yuan can stay, because there is some hope left there for him to hold on to. 

He releases another huge breath, he stretches for just a second, grounding himself. He looks back at Qian “Then what do you mean?” 

Qian stares in to the void, then rolls his eyes upwards, closes his eyes, and sighs. Chris shakes his head a little, like Qian is giving up. Because he is giving up. Because Qian is about to say the words. He is about to admit that his feelings for Yuan aren’t clear cut. Yuan looks away from  Qian in this moment, where Qian is getting himself together. 

gifs by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

“I can’t really figure out if it is love or something else that my feelings for you are.” And at the end of this, he isn’t running from the words anymore, because he looks at Yuan and Yuan is looking back at him. When Yuan first admitted his feelings, his suffering caused Qian to avoid eye contact. When Yuan returned, Qian couldn’t stop looking at Yuan. When listening to Yuan once again speak to his feelings and tell Qian he was hurting, Qian started in his comfort zone, in the old habits of looking away. But when he is actually admitting his feelings to Yuan, he does turn to look him in the eye. He isn’t avoiding it anymore. 

“Is it the love of a brother? Can we really turn it into romantic love? I don’t know.” Qian is finally having the conversation he has needed to have with Yuan. This is confusing, how do you separate your feelings out? How do you know? What happens if things don’t go well? How much are you set to lose if things devolve?” 

Yuan is capable of holding, understanding, and pushing that nuance, we’ve seen him do it before at the river. “This thing between us, is it because you don’t want or you don’t dare?” 

“Yes.” Qian says “All I know is I can’t live without you.” 

Yuan has seen that, San Pang and Lili have seen that, we have seen that. Qian wants to be careful with how he proceeds along this path, and he is right to do so. Because it is hard to determine, when you have known someone so long, when you have raised them, when you have seen them as a brother, when you have not had love outside of the family before, when that love has existed the entire time, and has been different the entire time, and how do you recognize that when you are in it? 

There is a pause. 

“Four years later, you came back.”

There is another pause. 

I love these pauses. I love Qian putting space between these thoughts, whether he is scrambling internally for what to say, or whether he is hesitant to voice them, I do not know. I just know that I love love love when directors allow for breathing room. 

“I saw your letter of last words.” 

Qian stops looking at Yuan here. Another little pause. 

“That’s when I started to feel scared.” 

The camera cuts to a wide shot, where both Qian and Yuan are visible. And we can see Yuan reacting to what Qian is saying. Yuan also is not making eye contact, he is fidgeting a little. But he is listening intently to Qian’s words. The blocking of this shot is interesting to me too, because the way that Chris is standing has Qian facing Yuan, but we don’t see enough of Chris’ eyes here, so while it looks like Qian is looking at Yuan, that is not necessarily the case. We have seen him look away multiple times and his head barely moves. 

Qian is talking in to the void, and Yuan is picking up the signal. Another pause, and right before Qian continues talking, Yuan turns to look at him with this look of surprise on his face. His mouth is slightly agape, his eyes look soft staring at Qian.

 “I’m terrified,” Qian says. “What if you had no chance to come back? I don’t know what I would do.” 

Yuan looks at Qian, looks away, looks up like he is trying to decide how to feel. What type of treatment he should be giving to Qian at this moment. Should he be bitter, should he be harsh, should he be soft? 

“Wei Qian.” Yuan says 

AND I WILL ONCE AGAIN SHAKE MY FIST AT THE SUBTITLES FOR TRANSLATING GE AS QIAN BECAUSE IT SO SEVERELY CUTS THE IMPORTANCE OF MOMENTS LIKE THIS ONE. 

Qian cannot figure out his feelings! He can’t figure out if he loves Yuan like a brother or something more! So Yuan cuts the brother out of it. He calls Qian by his name. He calls him Wei Qian, he puts the separation up for Qian. Is this the love of a brother? That’s an easier question to answer when you aren’t being called ‘brother’. How do you feel when you aren’t being reminded of your connection? 

I do not have the ability to describe the way Kurt’s mouth moves here, but I love the expression he gives Yuan as he finishes saying Wei Qian. He’s clearly going for a soft approach. Qian’s mouth, which hangs open just slightly, closes shut. 

“I’ve told you. I can sum up my life in two words: Wei Qian.” A smile starts to creep up his face. That’s love, bitch! Yuan was pissed, but now that Qian has stopped him, not that Qian has voices his hesitations, now that Qian has admitted that he can’t live without Yuan, even if he doesn’t know what his feelings for Yuan are, the love Yuan has for Qian melts the anger and lets the love bleed through. “But I’m not making you take responsibility for me.” 

This is a very important character trait of Yuan’s. One of the first things we saw of teenage Yuan was him grabbing one of the household bills. Yuan has been working side hustles while in school. He’s been helping pay the bills. He’s been as helpful as he possibly can be at all times, because this was a home he was given, not a home he was born in to. 

GOD DAMMIT CHRIS IS SO GOOD. ALL HE DID WAS MOVE HIS EYEBALLS LIKE…TWO CENTIMETERS AND THAT WAS ENOUGH TO KILL ME. 

Yuan is saying all the things that Qian needs to hear. Yuan can sum his life up with Qian, Qian fed him, Qian kept him warm, Qian gave him a home, Qian gave him love. Qian has seen Yuan as his responsibility since they were kids, but Yuan has wanted nothing but to be a support system for Qian. I said it before, that Yuan is the only person who continuously helps Qian to whom Qian is not beholden. Qian owes San Pang and his family, Qian owes Le and the gang, Qian owes Xiong. Qian does not owe Yuan. Qian does not see Yuan as someone that owes him. 

That small little eye motion are some gears clicking in to place in Qian’s head. That small little eye motion is Qian well and truly listening to what Yuan is saying. 

And here comes the parallel: 

gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

“Did you come after me because you feel guilty, or because you care?” (this thing between us, is it because you don’t want or you don’t dare?) 

A genuine question that Yuan is using to try to push Qian in to allowing himself finally see his feelings through to the end. Qian is standing here before Yuan telling him that he does not know what his feelings for Yuan are. Even though those In The Know (Yuan and San Pang) can see the truth in Qian clear as day, Qian himself has not admitted it. 

So Yuan gives him a test.

Qian pauses for a moment, starts to shake his head, blinks. 

gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

“I really don’t know,” he says 

Qian has failed the test. 

Yuan’s soft smile has a hint of sadness in it now. 

“You don’t need to know.” Yuan leans back against the wall, looking up at the sky. Qian is looking straight ahead, once again not making eye contact with Yuan “It’s always been my problem. Going home with you.”

gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

The weight of what Yuan is saying hits. Qian looks at the ground. Complete opposite direction as Yuan.  

“Getting attached to you. Falling for you.” 

Qian closes his eyes and sighs, pulling his head up from where it was pointed. It’s like he can’t get used to hearing Yuan confess. Like it hits him every time Yuan says he’s in love with Qian and has been forever. 

“Wanting you all my life.” 

gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

That is too much for Qian. Even with his eyes closed, even though he can’t see Yuan right now, he has to face away. 

“It was never your fault.” Yuan says, and Qian’s eyes open ever so slightly. 

And I just have to say that it is really really important to me that with all of Qian’s trauma, with everything he has suffered, with the stuff he went through with his mother, that he finally has someone tell him that it wasn’t his fault. There is naturally a lot of hesitation in changing the way you see someone you have raised, someone you have looked at and treated as a brother, and suddenly see them as someone to be romantically interested in. 

gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

So it is important to me that Yuan tells Qian he did nothing wrong. That Yuan’s feelings here are entirely his own, borne of his own mind and body, and that there is no aspect of Yuan’s feelings for him that Qian pressured him in to. That Yuan will be fine, eventually, if Qian does not reciprocate his feelings. Qian is not being forced in to anything here, and neither is Yuan. And I am so so so glad that Qian got to hear that. Twice! 

Anyway, Qian’s eyes open ever so slightly right as Yuan starts walking away, shoulder checking Qian on his way out. 

“Wait.” Qian grabs Yuan by the wrist “Wei Zhiyuan.” 

gifs by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

Yuan’s eyes are locked on to Qian’s hand around his wrist. He once again looks surprised that Qian would be brave enough to stop him from leaving. We get a shot of their hands (😈) and Yuan ever, ever so slowly raises his eyes to look at Qian.  

Qian has passed the test at the last second.

#here you go for the people who asked if I was going to write the staircase scene #got this in right under the wire before tomorrow becomes all episode 11 stuff #unknown #unknown the series #unknown the series analysis #unknown the series meta #unknown the series episode 10 #chris chiu #kurt huang #taiwanese bl #wka long post

[twig-tea]

Canadian LGBTQ+ rights; a whirlwind summary

Back in August of 2023 @wen-kexing-apologist wrote an absolutely stellar piece here, and I didn't want to co-opt it (especially because it was already written with an American gaze and I don't want to pile on/distract from the fact that we're talking about Thai BL) so I decided to make this a separate post. And then it lingered in the sad pile of my drafts. But, I'm gonna post it anyway, and take this as an excuse to talk about Canadian history of LGBTQ+ rights apropos of absolutely nothing except the most recent move of the provinces (specifically Saskatchewan) to use the notwithstanding clause to force through legislation that the courts have said goes against our charter of rights and freedoms--specifically legislation that says a teacher cannot respect a child's pronouns without permission of the parent. This is being taken to court (latest as of this writing is that in Feb 2024 the group fighting the law was granted the right to be heard by the court in spite of the notwithstanding clause being invoked, so there is still a chance of it getting revoked via the courts).

WKA talks about what the conversation was like in the US around queer rights in the 20th century; highly recommend reading the linked post first. In Canada the conversation was a little different though with very similar themes; we had the shift to a focus on "privacy" as the driver of our rights long before the HIV/AIDS epidemic, in the 1960s. So much of the push and pull of our laws around homosexuality and gender identity and expression have had to do with the public vs private.

Sodomy has been illegal in Canada since colonization (earliest known conviction: 1648) but laws against gross indecency, which included dancing, kissing, or touching between two men, didn't get codified in Canada until 1892 (and not extended to apply to women until 1953 (thanks)). While these laws essentially outlawed any physical public affection between men from the turn of the century, the fervor to root out and eliminate gayness from society didn't really reach its pitch until mid-century.

I need you all to know about the Fruit Machine, which was an ostensibly "scientific" detection device to identify and purge gay and lesbian civil servants from the military and public service in Canada. While the machine was built in the 1950s and used through the 1950s and 1960s, the practice of using psychology, polygraphs, and interrogation to force military and public servants to come out and take a voluntary discharge existed through to the 1990s.

Our former Prime Minister PE Trudeau made famous the line "there is no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation" as part of his so-called decriminalization of homosexuality 1967; this is of course a joke because "buggery" and "gross indecency" stayed on the books for another 20 years, the only difference being they were only punishable if the people involved were under 21, there were 3 or more people present, or the participants were performing these acts outside of their home. You may notice that this meant the policing of public space was where and how homophobia continued to be perpetuated by the state via police.

Highlighting the importance of privacy as a framework for gay rights at this time, The Right to Privacy movement was the name for one of the forerunners of modern Canadian LGBTQ+ rights groups through the 1970s--though worth noting that this group in particular was criticized for its exclusion of WLW and our trans siblings (some of whom of course overlap). The infamous bathhouse raids of 1981 ("Operation Soap"), leading to at the time the largest arrest in Toronto's history, were one of the precipitating factors in the recognizable start of the modern LGBTQ+ rights movement. In 1986, five years after the raids and thanks to massive effort by LGBTQ+ organizing, sexual orientation was added to the protected list of attributes that it is illegal to discriminate against under the Canadian Human Rights Act (gender identity and expression was added in 2012), and in 1987 "anal intercourse" was made legal for those over 18 (the legal age of consent was made the same for everyone--16--in 2019), and "gross indecency" as a law was finally repealed. The fight for marriage equality was the next step after achieving real decriminalization, and was strongly based on the right to freedom from discrimination as protected by the Human Rights Act.

[Just going to take this moment to note that for some reason they never struck off the law criminalizing sodomy when more than two people are present; this is still an inequality on the books now and people do (rarely) still get charged with it.]

In the late 1980s and 1990s, the censorship fight was most famously held in the written sphere--if you've seen the movie Better than Chocolate, you might already be familiar what I'm talking about. From approximately 1986 through to 2000, Canada Border Services targeted shipments to queer bookstores, holding them up, sometimes destroying the content, putting those businesses at risk, and preventing queer content that passed through border control to be stocked in physical stores. It took the Supreme Court of Canada's ruling in 2000 to shut down that practice as an illegal suppression of a bookstore (Little Sisters in Vancouver, BC, shout-out!)'s right to freedom of expression.

Raids on safe spaces for sexual activity continued to be a driver for action through to the 21st century. The WLW bathhouse the Pleasure Palace (changed from "Pussy Palace" in the late 90s to be more inclusive of our sisters without that particular body part) was raided in the year 2000; 19 years after Operation Soap, and notably the first and last raid on a queer woman's bathhouse in Canadian history. What followed was a massive public coal-raking of police, including the very telling call to action: "out of the bars! Into the streets!" I don't think this was necessarily the intended implication at the time, but looking back the threat was that if we were not given our rights, we would be in everyone's faces (and conversely if we were given our rights, we'd be quiet). The legalization of marriage between any two consenting persons of legal age came five years later in 2005 (I don't mean to imply this effort was the only reason--the fight for marriage equality was active all the way through the 90s and early 2000s; it's just an interesting parallel that two of the biggest wins for equality for queer people in Canada came 5 years after a historic police raid).

One of the factors in gaining acceptance of LGBTQ+ people in Canada was the fight for marriage equality; as it focused the conversation on sameness rather than difference. The queer activism movement here pivoting from messaging around bathhouses and being left alone to marriage equality was an intentional, strategic attempt to be accepted as the same rather than being honoured for our differences. And that fight coming after the HIV/AIDS epidemic and bathhouse raids is no accident as it framed queer people directly in opposition to the stigma of promiscuity that surrounded assumptions about gay people which fed into the lack of support for medical intervention, research, and treatment for HIV/AIDS (here in Canada too, our history is just as gross on that front, people just don't talk about it as much. But Canada followed the US government's example, and so people were left without medical resources for at least eight years in Canada (since the first cases were identified here in 1982) and THREE YEARS after they had been approved by the US--AZT wasn't available in Canada until 1990. Three years in which people died unnecessarily. We similarly approved PrEP four years after the FDA, in 2016. Today, despite "universal health care", if you want access to PrEP, it will depend on the province you're in as to whether you can get it at all for free or whether you need to pay--in my province, it takes 2 months to get free PrEP).

Today, just over 50% of the people with HIV/AIDS in Canada are men who have sex with men; it's estimated 80% of people infected with HIV know their status, of those 75% are being treated, and of those 89% are effectively unable to transmit the virus. In that context, the ongoing fight re: HIV/AIDS in Canada today is around decriminalization, specifically decriminalization of drugs (since ~20% of HIV infections are from IV drug use--one of the many reasons I support harm reduction strategies), and the decriminalization of non-disclosure (since Canada is one of the few places where you can be charged for not sharing your HIV status with a sexual partner). Until very recently, we were also fighting to be able to give blood--it was only in 2022 that men who have sex with men were allowed to donate blood in Canada, which meant every visit to a blood donation clinic involved questions about the gender of your sexual partner(s). And, as mentioned at the top, one of the rights we are fighting to retain right now, is the right to have our gender expression respected without forced outing to a parent or guardian; Once again, the fight in Canada has become centered around the right to privacy.

Slightly tangential to the topic at hand, but I would be remiss in talking about moments in recent history when the law did not prosecute us, but it failed to protect us. In the 2010s, a serial killer was targeting men who he thought he could get away with making disappear; and he was right. The police ignored calls from the community to treat the case as a serial killer for years. Bruce McArthur killed 8 men who had gone missing from Toronto's Gay Village between 2010 and 2017, several who were vulnerable because they were distant from their families (because they were gay and closeted), homeless, and/or in immigration limbo (waiting for status), so it took longer for them to be reported missing. During this time, through to just weeks before the arrest, the Toronto Police insisted in public statements that there was no serial killer.

Black and Indigenous queer people have regularly died as a result of the police being called while they were in crisis. An unnamed trans woman (who was midgendered by the SIU after her death); Regis Korchinksy-Paquet, both in 2020. In 2022, Dani Cooper, queer activist who advocated against police-run wellness checks, was shot and killed by police during a wellness check called for them.

As a positive step, in 2016, Black Lives Matter Toronto staged a protest as part of the annual Pride Parade, making a list of demands, but the one that got the most coverage was the demand to ban police at Pride. This was taken up by the Pride Toronto committee, and since 2017 police have been banned from having an official float or presence at the parade. This has been taken up by several Canadian cities including Vancouver and Hamilton and inspired action in other cities globally.

With that context, in which queer people are rightfully distrustful of police, it is alarming that police-reported hate crimes against LGBTQ+ people (one of the only ways we have of tracking hate crime consistently) had a record-breaking increase in 2023.

In 2017, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau (the son of PM Trudeau quoted above) gave a public apology to LGBTQ+ Canadians. Here's just a brief excerpt:

"To the kids who are listening at home and who fear rejection because of their sexual orientation or their gender identity and expression; And to those who are nervous and scared, but also excited at what their future might hold; We are all worthy of love, and deserving of respect. And whether you discover your truth at 6 or 16 or 60, who you are is valid. To members of the LGBTQ2 communities, young and old, here in Canada and around the world: You are loved. And we support you."

The important part about this apology was twofold; one, it explicitly named many of the specific instances of oppression I mentioned above, and two, it listed the things the government was doing to make reparations. This included the repeal of the law that equalized the age of consent (which went through two years later, as mentioned above), the pardoning of people who had a criminal record due to unjust laws based on LGBTQ+ discrimination, settlement of a class action lawsuit for victims of The Purge, and a commitment to work towards better resources for mental health and housing for LGBTQ+ people, as well as a committment to continue working to remove the barriers for gay men to donate blood (which went through in 2022). One of the other important achievements was the change to allow an "X" option under gender on Canadian Passports (so the three available options are M/F/X) in 2019 [some provincial gender opt-out options have existed since 2017].

The current government is by no stretch perfect, but it has been good to see some of these moments of our history acknowledged and corrected for. As the global pressure towards fascism continues, it's critical that we remember these changes are the result of hard work, not inevitable "progress", that these fights are ongoing and require our energy, and that change, using a variety of tactics, is possible.

Quick hit facts if you prefer a list to a narrative:

In Canada, it was illegal for men to hold hands with men or women to hold hands with women in public until the 1960s;

The government tried to expunge us from public service in the 60s and 70s;

it was illegal for men to have threesomes until the 1990s;

bathhouse raids were made possible due to legislative inequalities through the 2000s;

Canada took three years longer than the US to approve treatments for HIV/AIDS, four years longer to approve PrEP, and still today access can be complicated/expensive;

it was possible to be of legal age to have sex but not anal sex until 2019;

Gay men were barred from donating blood until 2022;

Canada remains one of the few countries in the world where you can be prosecuted for not disclosing your HIV status (though does not apply if you retain a minimal viral load);

In 2023 some provincial governments tried to make kids choose between gender expression and their privacy (and potentially safety) from their parents; as of March 2024 that fight is still actively being fought.

The take-aways I hope people get from this post:

This history is more recent than we pretend, and is ongoing

Framing gay rights as right to privacy vs right to being not prosecuted for being in public is nuanced and intertwined

Transphobes need to fuck off

Some references/further reading/watching:

Brief history of LGBTQ+ laws in Canada at the Canadian Encyclopedia

The Fruit Machine documentary made by TVO

Article on HIV/AIDS in Canada policy written by one of the policymakers

Timeline of HIV/AIDS Developments (only goes to 2010 so does not include PreP, which was approved in Canada in 2016, four years after its availability in the US)

Article on The Pleasure Palace raid by one of the organizers

Article on the Bathhouse Raids 40 years after Operation Soap

Article on Bruce McArthur's crimes and the review of how police handled the case by former judge Gloria Epstein

Regis Korchinksy-Paquet and the unnamed trans woman dead after interactions with police

Dani Cooper's death

Article about the Supreme Court case brought by Little Sisters bookshop

HIV Non-Disclosure Law Fact Sheet

Article about the end of the blood ban for men who have sex with men

Black Lives Matter Toronto on their 2016 action at Toronto Pride

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau's apology

Gender "X" Options on Passports

Stream Better Than Chocolate (you may need to look up where it's available in your region)

Little Sisters Book & Art Emporium

Glad Day Bookshop (Makes a claim for being the oldest queer bookshop in the world; one of the few queer public spaces being maintained/actively protected as more and more of our spaces are eroded, and also just a personal fave so I'm taking the excuse to shout it out too)

#canadian history #lgbtq history #typed so that i can stop thinking it #for reference #long post

[lurkingshan]

Intergenerational Trauma Challenge - 10 Years Ticket

Hello friends, it is time again for me to go deep on another entry on the intergenerational family trauma challenge list. When I first suggested the idea of this challenge and asked a few folks what shows we might consider for it, @wen-kexing-apologist and @waitmyturtles both immediately shouted “10 Years Ticket!” I hadn’t seen it yet, but I trusted their judgment that it belonged on the list, and moved it near the top of my watch priorities. And phew lord, does it belong on this list. The drama explores intergenerational trauma extensively via a story of multiple families living in a small town community. 

So what is the deal with this drama? 10 Years Ticket is a Thai lakorn about four children and their families, all of whom are dear friends and neighbors, who are torn apart by the murder of one of their family members, by another of their family members. The two families whose blood ties were involved in the crime become bitter enemies, dragging the whole community into the fight, and crucially for this project, the adults push that trauma down onto their young children. As wka says, this show is about the harm that is done when a community breaks down rather than coming together in the wake of tragedy. 

Before I start digging into the trauma themes in this one, a note on my overall experience with the drama: I was extremely engaged even as my emotions about different aspects of the drama were mixed. The cast is fantastic and the drama is gorgeous, but the writing has some significant weak spots (some of which I suspect may be based in lakorn genre conventions, which I am admittedly not yet well-versed enough to parse). I wouldn't unreservedly recommend this to everyone, but depending on which aspects of the story you are most interested in, there’s a lot to get out of it. If you love a great mystery with excellent judgment about what information to withhold and when and where to place its reveals? Fairly strong with some minor missteps. If you are here for romance? Nah–there are romance subplots but they’re not particularly well-executed and they are pretty extraneous to the main narrative. If you want a gritty crime story with realistic villains and a satisfying conclusion? You will be laughing your ass off and not because the show wants you to. But if you’re here for the family stories and deep examination of a community in crisis? 10/10, absolutely recommend. (cc @chickenstrangers and @neuroticbookworm for my overall review—stop reading after this friends, spoilers ahead!) @dribs-and-drabbles also tagging you as a fellow 10YT enjoyer and one of the like five people on this website who may have an interest in reading a ridiculously long essay about it. :)

So, let’s get into it! 10YT is an ensemble show with many characters with endless complex connections, so I am going to do this breakdown family by family for your sanity and mine. Right off the top, some themes you’ll see running throughout that are particularly relevant to an Asian context: taboo, saving face, filial piety, devotion to the nuclear family unit, conditional parental love, community ostracization, and denial of queer identity. And some content warnings for discussion of: child abuse, physical violence, gun violence, Alzheimer’s disease, substance abuse, and drug trafficking. From this point forward, I am assuming anyone still reading has seen the show, because lord would all of this be impossible to explain to someone who hasn’t. Shoutout to turtles and wka for reviewing to make sure I didn’t miss anything major and helping me with the screenshots for this post, and a general heads up that this is long long.

Our Star-Crossed Lovers

Before digging into the family relationships, a word about our star-crossed lovers at the center of this tragedy, because it’s important to understand it as we get into the families. The drama really did take its sweet time with this reveal, but in the end we understood why this relationship was such a big damn dramatic secret—Luk is about five years older than Mai and already a teacher, and Mai is still a student. Their relationship is rooted in taboo, which is why they are sneaking around and likely why Luk carries so much guilt and shame that she makes the incredibly stupid and selfish decision to punish herself and tear apart their families by lying that she murdered Mai. There are other reasons given—namely, that she wanted to save face for Mai and his loved ones and prevent people from finding out he was a drug runner—but they don’t really hold up to any scrutiny. Luk told this lie to punish herself and didn’t really ever give a thought to how in doing so, she was punishing and harming everyone else, too, not to mention utterly failing to save face for her own family, whose lives are destroyed by her lie (apologies for not mincing words here, I have zero respect for Luk’s decision and one of my biggest criticisms of the drama is that it tries to paint this as a noble sacrifice and act of love and position her as some kind of voice of wisdom, which, *blows raspberry*).

The Siraphuchaya Family

So let’s begin with the family at the center of our plot and the heart of our story. Their relationships with each other are quite varied and the lines of generational trauma between them complex, so I’m breaking them down into subsections. The key people in this family unit are Santi, the patriarch; Sai, Phukao’s mother and Santi’s current wife; Mai, Santi’s first son; Phukao, Santi and Sai’s son; and the woman haunting them all, Mai’s mother Ranya. 

Mai and Phukao

The most wholesome relationship in this show by a mile, Mai and Phukao are half brothers who share a deep bond. They have different mothers and about a ten year age gap between them, which results in Mai taking on a role akin to a third parent and protector for Phukao in their abusive household. In turn, Phukao idolizes his brother and loves him unreservedly, and expresses sorrow and confusion about why their parents don’t seem to love Mai the same way they love him. Mai grows up in a household where his presence is clearly unwanted and resented, and Phukao grows up keenly aware that despite all the good he sees in Mai, others, including his parents, don’t feel the same way. And despite Phukao’s own experience of unconditional parental love, he bears witness to the conditional love his parents express for Mai and the violence that occurs whenever those conditions are not met.

Mai and Santi

Which brings me to Santi. From the beginning, we see that Santi treats his sons very differently. He is protective and loving toward Phukao, but antagonistic and quick to anger with Mai. We eventually come to understand that Santi is holding a burning resentment and hatred for Mai’s mother, Ranya, which manifests in his verbal, emotional, and physical abuse of their son. Santi is also a serious alcoholic and his substance abuse exacerbates the issue. 

Even from the first episode before Mai’s parentage was made clear, the signs were there that Mai’s family resents his presence. Mai sleeps on a mattress on the floor in a tiny room off the main floor hallway while his baby brother has a big bedroom with a giant bed on the second floor of the house. His parents never seemed happy to see him; he is nearly always greeted with suspicion, distrust, or at best, indifference. They hold him up to Phukao as an example of how he can be treated if he doesn’t behave—in one early scene, Santi explicitly tells Phukao that if he misbehaves he will have to start treating him like Mai. In gatherings with the neighbors, they talk proudly about Phukao but ignore Mai’s presence. And Santi nearly always finds a reason to discipline Mai with physical violence upon his return home, which makes it easy to understand why Mai was spending as much time away as possible and looking for ways out. 

We see Santi abusing Mai throughout the drama, often while Phukao and his mother Sai look on—Phukao in anguish, Sai in indifference (more about her soon). But the scene that best captures their dynamic and gets to the heart of the trauma that lays between them is in episode 7. Mai comes home from surreptitiously spending time with his mother, Santi sniffs out his secret, and the worst episode of abuse depicted in the show unfolds as Santi strings Mai up by a rope on a rafter in the garage and proceeds to beat him with a leather belt in full view of Sai, Phukao, and any onlooker that just happens to be passing by. Throughout the beating, Santi berates Mai for seeing his mother, insisting that she is evil and Mai needs to stay away from her. Watching it unfold, one gets the feeling that Santi is trying to literally beat any trace of Mai’s mother out of him.

What’s most interesting about this scene is the implication that Santi is deeply concerned for Mai’s welfare and genuinely trying to protect him from something, even as he himself is Mai’s greatest source of pain. Somewhere along the way, Santi’s emotions have become hopelessly tangled and warped to the point where this abuse “for Mai’s own good” is the only expression of love he can manage toward his eldest son. It’s horrific, it’s tragic, and it really makes you wonder what the hell happened between Santi and Mai’s mother to poison this father-son relationship so deeply.

The Ranya of it All

Ranya. What a character. What a piece of work. And yet somehow, what a deeply sympathetic portrayal of a woman forced into a life she didn’t want and rebelling against it to the point of cruelty. I did not like this woman, and yet I was unexpectedly moved by her story.

So what the hell happened between Ranya and Santi? They fell in love. They got married. And then Santi pressured her to have a child she didn’t want, because he was fixated on the idea of having a traditional nuclear family (for reasons the show never fully elucidated, but I extrapolate are related to some generational trauma he himself is carrying and a desire to be head of a new family to make up for whatever his childhood lacked). She went along with it despite knowing she did not want to be a mother because she was in love. And sure enough, once she had made it through the pregnancy and began her life as a mother, she was miserable. So she rejected motherhood and abandoned her family when Mai was only an infant, one of the greatest sins a woman can commit in any culture, and certainly in the Asian context where family values and collectivist mindset demands sacrifice for the good of the family unit over personal satisfaction. 

And Santi hated her for it. Hated her because he loved her and she left him. Hated her because she didn’t give him the dream vision he had of a beautiful family. Hated her because he still wanted her. And ultimately, transmitted his impotent rage and twisted love from her onto their son. She, in turn, hated Santi for not being happy with just the two of them, and for destroying their relationship by forcing her into motherhood. And while she doesn’t hate Mai, she certainly doesn’t love him or care for his well-being. 

When Ranya sails back into town many years after abandoning him, she is bitter and hardened and she sees Mai as a means to an end and an easy target. She appears to have similar substance abuse issues to Santi, and she is in deep debt. She needs money, Mai is desperate for parental love and affection, and she sees an opportunity to take advantage. And so she pushes Mai into working with one of the local drug running operations, tells him pretty lies about using the money he is making to buy them a house to live in together, manipulates him into further provoking Santi in her honor, and then skips town with all his money just as the shit hits the fan. It’s one of the last things Mai experiences before his death, a confirmation that neither his father nor his mother really loves him or wants to care for him, exponentially compounding his emotional devastation and leaving him utterly certain that no one will help him. After he is murdered in cold blood by the very people she pushed him to work for, she uses the opportunity to extort money from Luk’s family for years, only coming around when she needs cash. 

Phukao, Santi, and Sai

In the aftermath of Mai’s death, Phukao’s family as he knows it falls apart. He has lost his beloved brother under shocking circumstances, he has been torn apart from one of his best friends as his family bitterly feuds with hers, his father has descended even further into addiction and depression, his parents fight violently until they eventually split up and his father leaves the family home, and through it all he does not feel the unconditional support he expects from his friends and neighbors. Oh sure, they support him, but they also support Kongkwan and her family, a fact which eventually comes to enrage and embitter him. 

Because that’s not how this is supposed to work. If you’ve watched other Asian dramas, you are probably very familiar with the “bad seed” and community ostracization tropes, aka the belief that any blood relative of a person who has committed a heinous crime should be shunned and shamed by the collective community. According to that cultural norm, Luk’s family should be abandoned and ostracized by the community following her murder confession, and while that does happen to some extent, their circle of close friends and neighbors remain sympathetic to them, in particular caring for and protecting Kongkwan, everyone’s favorite fragile sweetheart. 

As Phukao grows and becomes more and more mired in despair and desperation and (justifiable) anger at the injustice of it all, the community begins to view him as difficult, backing away from him, dismissing his feelings, and demanding that he stop making them think about it. Some of his closest friends and loved ones essentially withdraw their explicit emotional support and care for him, and in some cases condemn him and respond to his emotional outbursts with violence. And remember, for the entirety of this story, Phukao is a child. Yet the adults around him seem afraid of his emotion and utterly incapable of extending to him the same level of empathy they easily give Kongkwan and even Luk, our supposed murderess. Feels kinda gendered, doesn’t it? I can’t help but think that Phukao is being punished largely for failing to maintain the stoic model of masculinity that is so often modeled in Asian cultures. 

And what are Santi and Sai doing while their son is emotionally falling apart? They are wrapped up in their own nonsense and sparing very little attention to his actual needs even as they try to control him and loudly proclaim their love for him. Santi is wallowing in his depression and isolation and drinking himself half to death, with noose imagery hovering around him so that we can’t miss how low he is driving himself. Though interestingly, he never turns to violence against Phukao to vent his feelings in the manner he did with Mai. Phukao is clearly a manifestation of the son and family Santi always dreamed of; he loves him in a much more pure way than he ever managed with Mai. And so while he can’t get his shit together to be a good dad to him, he is also not an abusive and terrifying figure to Phukao, to the point where Phukao becomes fixated on getting him to come home. Because for Phukao, despite every monstrous aspect of Santi he’s borne witness to, the only thing that will give him any comfort and feeling of security is having what remains of his family together and intact, as they are supposed to be.

While Phukao desperately tries to get his dad to come home, Sai is caught up in navel gazing over her regrets, as we come to learn that she had a great love before Santi. But Pin was a woman and Sai did not feel free to pursue their relationship, and so when she got pregnant she agreed to marry Santi and raise Mai, as well. But as we saw, she didn’t keep that commitment. Sai came into the marriage regretful and wistful over her lost love and her inability to pursue a life more aligned with her authentic queer self, and that manifested in both indifference to Mai and her husband’s violence toward him, and an unhealthy attachment to and pressure on Phukao to be “worth it.” Worth giving up the life she wanted, worth living with this man she clearly didn’t love, and worth never being with Pin. 

Mai eventually turned her own anger and self-loathing about her choices on Luk and Mai, trying to tear them apart when she learned of their relationship because if she didn’t get to keep her “taboo” love, why should they? When Phukao begins to figure some shit out, lets go of his anger, and starts developing feelings for Kongkwan, Sai freaks the fuck out and tries to repeat the pattern, which feels rooted in her need to keep Phukao under her control and devoted to her to give her life meaning. She finds his interest in Kongkwan threatening and attempts to stamp it out. Unlike Luk, though, Phukao is not having it. 

Kongkwan, Luk, Veena, and Somkiat

Over to the family on the other side of the tear in the fabric of this community. Luk, our star-crossed lover and faux murderer, is the eldest daughter of a seemingly pleasant family with no big stressors or clear markers of their own generational trauma. Veena and Kiat appear to have a decent marriage, stable financial status, and good relationships with their daughters, Kongkwan is thriving while Luk has finished college and become a teacher, and before Luk confesses to killing Mai, all seems well. There is a large age gap between Luk and Kongkwan that the show never explains—I expected to learn something deeper about their family, but we never really got there. As far as we know, they were a solid and functional family unit.

The intergenerational trauma for this family is instead depicted in the aftermath of Mai’s murder and Luk’s false confession. As I mentioned above, Luk’s choice to cover for Mai destroyed her family’s lives. They lost jobs, financial security, several homes, and many relationships, not least of which is the deep bond they once had with the Sirapuchaya family. And when a devastated Santi refuses to forgive Luk and hurls vitriol at her parents (justifiably IMO, what on earth were Kiat and Veena thinking showing up to Mai’s funeral to demand forgiveness for their daughter who had explained nothing), Kiat and Veena become angry and bitter and decide to hate him, and his child, right back.

This is of course a toxic dynamic, and Kongkwan and Phukao are the ones who suffer most for it. On the heels of losing her older sister, Kongkwan is also forced to give up her friendship with Phukao and told to hate him. Her parents start with small things like not inviting him to her birthday party (leaving poor baby Phukao out in the cold and all alone while his family falls apart) and eventually escalate to getting violent with him (both striking him in anger) and explicitly telling Kongkwan that Phukao is a bad person that she must avoid (ironically, giving him the “bad seed” treatment that Kongkwan should be receiving under cultural norms). Over time, Veena and Somkiat develop a seething hatred for Phukao that is actually quite visceral and difficult to comprehend; they seem to find him a symbol for all the unfairness they have endured and the easiest target for their rage and cannot get ahold of themselves enough to temper their reactions to him. 

Kongkwan, a gentle soul, is torn between being a filial and obedient child and going along with an attitude and treatment toward Phukao that she knows is wrong, and it is plainly tearing her apart. Throughout the story, she is emotionally overwhelmed, swinging between deep sadness and bursts of defiant anger, and she often looks like she is one more provocation away from shattering. And as the community tears itself apart around her, Kongkwan is also mired in anguish and confusion about her sister’s choices. As Kongkwan mentions at one point late in our story, no one, including her parents, has ever bothered to question whether Luk actually committed this murder, but she has never believed the lie. She knows her sister well enough, or perhaps is just too gentle a person, to imagine that Luk could have actually done that to Mai. 

And it’s important not to lose in all of this that Kongkwan loved Mai, too. His death was a loss for her as well as for Phukao, and no one really tended to her grief in the aftermath, which clearly runs deep based on the way she clings to objects that remind her of him (the film strip necklace, the Brother Uncle doll). She is just as broken by all of this as Phukao, they just express it very differently.

And before our story ends, Kongkwan will endure yet another devastating loss, when Veena is killed by the drug runners for witnessing their crimes and collaboration with dirty cops. This is compounded by the fact that Veena and Kongkwan’s relationship is in tatters when Veena is killed. Veena has just struck her in anger after Kongkwan demanded an explanation for why her parents were ripping her away from her friends and fought back when they once again tried to force her to carry their hatred for Phukao (her first real stand against her parents after being a dutiful and filial daughter through all their years of bullshit). Kongkwan takes off for the night with her friends to say goodbye before she is forced to leave, and in that short delay her mother is killed—another trauma that Kongkwan will have to bear forever. 

This family is an utter tragedy, to go from stable and loving to this, and all because of their own bad choices. Veena and Somkiat both utterly collapsed under the weight of Luk’s choices and their fallout, compounding them exponentially with their own inability to regulate themselves, and pushed all their trauma down onto Kongkwan, who must now do the hard work of living on amidst the destruction her family has wrought. 

Plu, Pum, and Yo

Phew, let’s take a break and look at this smiling family, shall we? I can’t believe I have already written this many words with nary a mention of my beloved best boy Plu, but that should tell you how much is going on in this show! While Plu gets caught up in the traumatic events that are deeply affecting his best friends and has some of his own family problems to deal with, he is not suffering from intergenerational trauma to the same degree as Phukao and Kongkwan. Plu lost his parents at a very young age (we do not find out the specifics of how), but is raised with attention and care by his wonderful grandparents who clearly love him dearly. He spends his childhood with close neighbors and friends and shares a deep bond with and protective instincts for his slightly younger friends Phukao, Kongkwan, and Lookzo.

So how is all this community trauma affecting Plu? He is a classic people pleaser and caretaker who just wants everyone to be okay. He also wants to support all parties in this situation without taking sides or hurting anyone’s feelings, which is of course impossible, but I do love him for trying. He took it upon himself to care for Phukao and be the big brother he needed in the aftermath of Mai’s death, but he always maintained his friendship with Kongkwan, as well, a fact that Phukao finds hard to accept. Plu is torn between his love for Phukao and Kongkwan, which becomes extra complicated when they get older and he develops (ill-advised and doomed) romantic feelings for Kongkwan that cloud his judgment and create a rift with Phukao. He is yet another person who hits Phukao without real justification, but unlike the adults he at least has the grace to feel ashamed (can you tell I am in my feelings about this??).

As all of this is unfolding, he is also dealing with his own family struggles, as Pom develops Alzheimer’s disease and her medical needs take a financial toll on the family, leading Plu to become involved with the same drug running crew that killed Mai, because apparently a legal job wouldn’t cut it to pay for Grandma’s prescriptions. (I should also mention here that via Plu’s involvement with the drug running crews we get a glimpse into some intergenerational trauma being passed down in those families, as the heads of each organization force a very hard life onto their children, but we’re not going to get into that because I have to stop somewhere or I’ll be writing this post from my grave). 

In any event, Yo can clearly see that his grandson is lying and doing something dangerous to bring home money, but he doesn’t stop him, presumably because they desperately need it. And Pom’s deteriorating memory and mental health take a real toll on both Plu and Yo, who just have sorrow wafting off them in waves in every scene where she doesn’t recognize them. This is a family in struggle together, not causing struggle for each other, unlike Phukao and Kongkwan’s situations.  

Lookzo and Oh

This section is going to be short because Zo and Oh have never done anything wrong in their lives and I know this. They are a perfect little father/daughter duo with an easy relationship, despite some sadness they must have endured around whatever happened to Zo’s mother (the show never gives us this information). Oh is a single father doing his best and he supports Zo through all her milestones and moods, creating a safe home where she can be herself and express her feelings to him without fear. He is also a sweetheart to her friends and welcoming to both Kongkwan and Phukao while maintaining his own friendships and acting as a mediator between their parents. 

Zo’s main worries throughout the drama are twofold: she has a crush on an utterly clueless Plu (despite his silly little hats), and she is similarly torn between her love for Kongkwan and Phukao and resentful of all the adults around them trying to destroy their bonds with each other. She is honest and forthright and though she sometimes runs off at the mouth in ill-advised ways, she always owns it and if she was wrong she will immediately admit it and apologize. In one of my favorite scenes of the entire drama, she lights into Kiat and Santi for tearing the community apart and destroying her friends, and then collapses on Oh to sob about how exhausted she is by all this bullshit and how she just wants to live her life with her friends in peace. She is all of us, easily the most relatable character in this show, and I love her. 

The Core Four

So after that exhaustive summation of all the trauma they are enduring throughout our story, I turn to the final question on all of our minds: are these babies going to be okay? I think the answer is a bit of a mixed bag with a tilt toward hope. 

Throughout the drama, I kept wanting these kids to just get in the car, drive far away from their parents, and never come back. But this is an Asian drama and filial piety reigns supreme, so of course they were never going to abandon their parents. And if they can’t be free, at least Phukao and Kongkwan found some measure of peace in the end. Kongkwan still has her father and a newly released Luk to cling to in the aftermath of Veena’s murder and they seem committed to being better to each other and finally letting go of all the bitterness now that Luk has come clean about what really happened (I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that Kiat explicitly says he is grateful for Veena’s death because it gives him the opportunity to be a better dad, a fridging for the ages!). Phukao has made his peace with his parents’ split and given Sai his blessing to pursue her best lesbian life, and Santi has done a (wildly unrealistic IMO) heel turn upon learning Luk did not kill Mai, let go of all of his anger, and pledged to do better as Phukao’s father. These families will never be free of the decade of trauma they all endured and the scars it left on them, but they can at least finally move forward from it. 

And of course, our core four kiddos stuck together and refused to let the adults succeed in destroying their relationships, though it was certainly a near thing. Even if things get better from here on out, they must live with the pain of all that they endured, and Phukao and Kongkwan in particular have suffered losses they will likely never fully recover from. It isn’t lost on me either that these traumatic events all occurred in the most formative years of their lives, when your experiences shape who you will become. They will carry these traumas through their lives and likely pass them down to the next generation, even if they manage to mitigate the damage better than their own parents did. If nothing else, we can say that at least if their bonds with each other are tattered, torn, and bruised, they are still intact. In the end, despite incredible pressure, ample doubt, and deep turmoil, they chose each other, and they will continue to care for each other through whatever life throws at them next. 

#10 years ticket #thai drama #intergenerational trauma challenge #shan posts 5k words on family trauma #doing the most as per usual #also i originally had a lot more images in this but tumblr won’t let me be great so this is what we get #long post #shan shouts into the void

[mad-j-j]

Hello Secret Santa here! Just remembered your question about when SanSan became clear to me, and the truth is it took a WHILE. I read the books way too quickly to absorb what I was reading, it wasn't till the SECOND mention of the Unkiss that I started wondering what was going on with these two, looked into it, and I've been a hopeless shipper ever since. I'm going to have to look into this WKA thing, it sounds helpful. How long have you been writing? Is it a newer hobby or an older one?

I suppose it is subtle enough that not everyone will even notice it, from what I could gather from fans all around, so even if it took you “a while”, you were probably still faster than the norm!

Oh, I’ve been writing since I was 6. I made a book (because at the time apparently I finished things) made out of post-its about two flowers falling in love and then one of them going to space and dying in a war, leaving his wife and kids behind (I wanted to subvert the expectation of a happy ending). It was illustrated, lasted about 5 pages and was filled with grammar mistake that still make me laugh to tears to this day. I look back on it with a mixture of fondness and horror.

So yeah, old hobby XD

#sansan secret santa

[bloojayoolie]

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Reminos me of the thing I wrote a while back about Humans in hign tantasy realms they're basicaly Team Fuck iR Hold My Beer1 Gat This Impulsve, passionate to a fauit, the social structures they build 1o try and reguiate this hetheadedness ironicaly creanes even greater levels of sheer bul headedness Even theit cooler heads take acien in months or weeks All their great heroes of the past were impossibly rash by galactic standards Humans Just Go with It, which is their grear fnlaw but also their grearest strength ingon okay we dont get t vuican science academyget whar ngons: you vakcans are a bunch of stufy prisses but youre also tougher tranger, and smarter than humans in every single way dingons: wny do you let them run your federation vican scoence academy: this is a species where t yeu give them bwo warp cores they dont do experiments on one aro save me r Tor if The first one ican science academy: this is a species where yeu give them bwo warp core6. they ask tv a 1hid one. mmediately plug anthree nto each other, punch a hole into an altemate universe where humans subscribe to an even mare destnuctive ideological system, font everyone in it because they re ofended by that, steal meir warp cores plug those together, punch their way back here, then try to turn a nearby sun into a torus because thatwas what ther nital scienatic experiment was for and they diont want to waste a trip ican scoence academy: they did hat last week we have the wite-up right here its geting pubished in about six hundred scienific journais across to hundred diferent discipines because otf how many estabiished theories their ndculous tthe expedion has just cated ino question also they d burn that sun into a torus, and no one achualty knows haw vuican sdence academy: this is why we let them do whatever the hel they ngon can we be a part of your tederaion Come to think ot Imean. Look at the rst human warp drve" thing in the movie. That was Not howVulcans would have done it you know what the best evidence for this is? Deep Space 9almost never broke down, minor maftunctiong that irnitated OBrien to hel and back sure b atmost none ot the truty weind she hat betell voyager and al the starshps Enterprise wrat was the ล"dest matunnon DS9 ever had?the senior staf getting trapped as holosuite characters in Our Man Base, and that was because θ numan decided topst dump the transponer buter more stations coe memory and hope everying wouis work out semehoK Wich is a bit ihe swapping your computer's hand drive out for a memory card trom a PlayStation 2 and expecting to be able to play a game af Spyto the Dragon wth your eyboard and mouse ou knaw what Im not done with this post let's talk about the Pegasus. the USS Fuckng Pegasus, testhed for the fest Stareet cloaking device. here we have a hananuil af humans working in searet to develap a dloaking device in vielaion of a treary with the Romulans theyre playing catchup trying to develop a technology other species have had for a cenhury and what do they do? do they decide to 0°cate a Romuun coakingdevice precisely, jst see at t while we're builaing our very first one of these nings, just to find out if this s passible, lets see if we can mave hs in phase us out of normal space so we can fy threugh pianets white we're invisible ut why saia the one vuican in the room Decause that would fueking rule said he humans igh-tving each other and siamming cans of 24-cenbury Ried Bul thene must be ie twenty dfferent counseling groups for non-human engineering students at Starfeet Academy and every week in every single one of them someone walks in and starts up wth a story ike our assignment was 1o repair a phaser eitier and y one haman classmate buit a chronometrio- x toaster that toast MacGuyver" is the equivalent of Vuican vintage human hormor television. roachpatral during onentaton at hran colege. wkas are presented with a Bt of what is ue word tick, for," we innocent young vucans want 10 know. "surety. modifers yeah, yourd thnk so say the weary, jaded vulcan psoessors your'd realy there is a phrase in lcan for the particuler moment you understand what the weed tuck'is for This is why the Pederation is the only organsation to ever stand a chance The Borg can adapt to the trillant mitary strategies of the Romulan Star Empine, the Kisgons and even the cold logical inberectual prowess of the The Barg werent prepared for a starship captain to lure them into his Srs no detective holo-novel and then machine gun them to dear with a weapon made out af hard light

#funny #lol #humor #memes #meme #memehumor #dank memes #funny pics #rolf #lmao #Af #Back to the Futur

[architectnews]

Residence for Two Collectors, Chicago

Residence for Two Collectors, Chicago Home, Illinois Real Estate, USA Architecture and Interior Photos

Residence for Two Collectors in Chicago

Dec 31, 2020

Residence for Two Collectors

Architecture: Wheeler Kearns Architects

Location: Chicago, Illinois, USA

After a lengthy search, a full penthouse floor of a Chicago high-rise was discovered that afforded 11 foot high ceilings, a double height space looking south to the city, and 360 degrees views. The site for Residence for Two Collectors was gutted to a shell condition, awaiting the new interventions.

The owners’ brief was “a home we love, have pride in, are comfortable in; ability to entertain graciously with simple elegance”.

Lifelong collectors, the brief included also finding space for numerous pieces of mid-century (to present day) furniture, sculpture, art. It was to feel comfortable for the couple and their dog, their immediate family, and philanthropic events for 75 people.

The process was truly collaborative, with the owners intimately knowledgeable, fascinated in construction; the way buildings, things are made. Discussions often led to Jean Prouve and Pierre Chareau, who offered the precedent of machined elements that could operate, and transform spaces of long views and openness to ones contained, and in between.

The first essential decision was the non-directional end-grain walnut floor, providing the visual weight and durability of a factory. Plastered perimeter walls for art; perforated metal, slatted wood, and floating planes of fabric provide acoustic absorption.

Machined, patinaed steel fabrications were subsequently “inserted” as operative/functional elements: barn/pocketing doors, shelving/storage/mezzanine loft and stair, doors and jamb-liners, all to toughen the space. After all, the client’s father was a machinist, and what could be a greater sign of respect than selecting correct fastener size and drive, countersunk of course.

Residence for Two Collectors in Chicago, Illinois – Building Information:

Design: Wheeler Kearns Architects

Year: 2017 WKA Team: Dan Wheeler, FAIA, Principal, Janette Scott, AIA, Project Architect Consultants General Contractor: JDL Development Corporation Owners Construction Advisor/Manager: Peter Seigel Structural Engineer: Halvorson and Partners Millwork: Glazebrook Woodworking Acoustical Consultant: Threshold Acoustics Lighting Design: Mitchell Cohn Lighting MEP: BES Engineering Systems Interiors: Sharlene Young with Wheeler Kearns Architects (founder of Symbiotic Living)

Photography: Tom Rossiter, Tom Rossiter Photography

Residence for Two Collectors in Chicago images / information received 311220

Location: Chicago, IL, United States

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Wintrust Arena, 200 E Cermak Road Design: Pelli Clarke Pelli Architects photographer : Jeff Goldberg/ESTO Wintrust Arena Chicago Building

747 North Clark Design: Ranquist Development Group photograph : Marty Peters 747 North Clark

Zurich North America Headquarters in Schaumburg photo © Steinkamp Photography Zurich North America Headquarters Building by Goettsch Partners

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Comments / photos for the Residence for Two Collectors in Chicago design by Studio Dwell Architects page welcome

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[basementghostli]

Prepare for a hella long caption. I have been waiting over 2 months to post about this amazing event, but I wanted to wait for my brand new belt to do so 😈. After almost 7 years being at 3rd degree black belt, on June 11th I went up for my #4thDegreeBlackBelt in #Kajukenbo. I have been involved in #martialarts for 17 years and the adventure continues into being the Chief Instructor and #Sifu of my very own studio, @thehitpit. I want to take this time to thank two very important people in my life.. • First, my mother @dmg55 … Mom, without you, I wouldn’t be where I am today. You signed me up for #Kempo when I was 9, you allowed me to keep #training even after my brother quit. From age 11 to 19 you took me all over the country to compete in #SportKarate circuits like #KRANE #NASKA #WAKO and #WKA #tournaments and #competitions. When I was 14, you asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, and I said I wanted to own my own dojo. Here’s a quick I told you so 💜. • Second person is Si Gung Adam Yasso for making me the #martialartist, and person, I am today. You are my instructor mentor, and my family. I am heartbroken knowing you are leaving for Africa next month for over a year. The @usnavy better keep you safe, or they’ll have an army of your students on their tail. #TheHitPit and @amacliny will stay strong, and grow beyond belief. Be relieved knowing you will come home to an #elite empire of well trained #martialartists. We will miss you dearly. • Ladies and gentlemen, THIS IS WHAT #DEDICATION LOOKS LIKE! • #hitpit #hitpitgym #thebxb #brittanybrutality #bxb #blackbelt #blackbelts #cqc #closequartercombat #buddha #fudog #foodog #mma #mixedmartialarts #karate #kajukenboconnection #emperadomethod #amac #liny #longbeachny #longbeachnynotcalifornia #longisland #newyork (at The Hit Pit)

#blackbelts #training #hitpit #fudog #kajukenboconnection #tournaments #sportkarate #wka #sifu #krane #buddha #mma #competitions #newyork #blackbelt #thehitpit #hitpitgym #elite #foodog #dedication #thebxb #longbeachnynotcalifornia #martialarts #amac #martialartist #mixedmartialarts #longisland #naska #brittanybrutality #closequartercombat

[ecotone99]

[SP] Monday Mail- very first post on reddit

MONDAY MAIL

Ugh, I knew this was coming. I spent the weekend doing no work when I really should have gotten a head start on this crazy week, so I knew this was coming, I did, but still I find myself being immensely irked when I am quite unpleasantly awakened by a rush of incoming instant messages. To be clear, I say I was awakened, but my eyes are still tightly shut as I try my very best to put off what is surely an unpleasant flurry of correspondences prodding me to get to work.

All the croo-coo-croos (rather elegantly referred to as "IM alerts", but trust me, at 7am on a Monday morning, they all sound like IM foghorns) above me, all the fluttering... I estimate at least 30 IMs are now above-head and out of those, at least 5 "urgent" ones with the extra loud alert (a shrill squawk instead of the default gentle coo-croo). There'll be feathers shed all over my bed for sure, if the loud flapping is anything to go by. I must have left my window open (I never learn) yesterday, and they've found their way in. What! A! Cacophony!

Speaking of foghorns, my alarm was set for 715am and it hasn't even rung yet, but these IMs from the office early birds (ha ha) have come pouring in without mercy! I pull the covers over my head to drown out the crescendo of flapping wings and avian cries. The thin summer duvet is, of course, no match for the orchestra circling my bedroom ceiling. I knew I shouldn't have registered to receive work IMs at home!

I am now fully awake and growing tired of the auditory assault. I suppose it's best I deal with the urgent ones, at least, so the poor birds can stop their unusually loud squawking. Whoever thought up instant messaging is a curse on all corporate employees! Gone are the days when mail was sent by internal post and took at least 3 days to arrive on your desk. These days, it's scribble a note (don't even bother with grammar!) "Whr is mthly report?" put it in the harness of your trusted courier, and flap flap flap, a short flight later, your colleague (who, by the way, may not choose to start his job at the ungodly hour of 7am, but who cares, right?) receives your note in 30 minutes! Less, if they live close to the office! With the growing IM industry, phone companies have switched to providing couriers instead of phone lines- a much better business, of course, as the commodity prices of unicorn hair required to power the phone lines now cost more than a human lung. I blame the unicorn poachers for this. In any case, now making a phone call costs something ridiculous like 3000 dollars per minute for a local call! Insane!

Oh great, now my phone is ringing. Argh, this is going be one of those Mondays. I throw back the covers and took 2 strides to the phone on the wall. "He-", before I even finish with my intended "-llo", my teammate Stan barks down the phone at me. "Khai! Khai, did you receive my IM? I sent it a whole 15 minutes ago! Will you please reply? I've got just the one courier now, the other 2 are at the vet, and I need to send out another IM to Marie in accounts for the monthly sales reports. Khai, you hear me? Hello?" Verbal diarrhoea , but I can hardly blame him. Given the soaring price of calls, we've been given strict instructions by HQ to use phone calls only when of the "utmost importance and/or urgency". Otherwise, it's IMs all the way! God, I hate IMs. Have I said how much I hate IMs?

Oh hey, Stan. Good morning to you, too. I'm well, and no, I'm not a morning person, but that's okay, because you are and the world revolves around you! Geez. This, I say in my head. I've been told off by HR before for using "inappropriate words at work".

Out loud, I return the verbal rap "Hey Stan! Good morning! Yes, I'm on it. Right away. Happy to do so. Now remind me, which courier is yours? Oh, right, the brown one? There're at least a half dozen brown pigeons here.. you have to give me something more. Right, speckled with white and with a neon yellow note holder? Yes, yes clever trick painting it neon. Okay, yes I've got it. I'll send it back in the next 5 minutes!" and I promptly hang up. Good. That shouldn't have been more than 1.5 minutes. We've all become rap gods since HQ started crawling up our asses whenever we made a phone call.

I hopped on my bed and reach up into the circling mass of pigeons. A swift grab at Stan's pigeon. Took out the scroll of paper on which was his precious IM, grabbed a pencil, scribbled a standard response "got it, will look into ASAP whn in. Rgds, Khai", stuffed the IM back into the holder on the courier pigeon's foot, opened my window wide, and as gently as I can muster in my current state, chucked the dratted bird out the window. The bird hovered at my window for a second, throwing me a dirty look for chucking it with more force than necessary, then swiftly flapped away back to Stan in the office.

1 down, another... I looked up and did a quick count...... 33 more IMs to go.

I trudge into the toilet to get ready, the birds flapping behind me and hovering above my head as I picked up my toothbrush.

Today's going to be a long day.

Thank you for reading, all constructive criticism welcomed.

This short story is dedicated to WKA, who thought up the concept of pigeon mail. He mentioned to me on a lazy weekend how funny it'd be if we received mail from birds and your friend calls you up to ask you to return his bird cos he needs it, and you'd grab his bird, read his note, then chuck the bird out the window to go home. This guy says the darnedest things, and sometimes these turn out to be really good story ideas. In any case, without him there'd be no avian mail short story.

submitted by /u/CharlotteduMonde [link] [comments] via Blogger https://ift.tt/338ai7y

#Blogger #Story

[wen-kexing-apologist]

Episode 10: The Couch

Wow @lurkingshan, it’s like you really know me! This scene is exactly what I was going to talk about for Episode 10 because the fucking TENSION put so much weight in to the air when I was watching that I could hardly breathe. 

CHRIS CHIU

THE ACTOR THAT YOU ARE

Scene Breakdown time!

First of all, I love the little couple dynamic moments we get between Lili and San Pang, where Lili has to tap San Pang in to Yuan and Qian’s fight. San Pang arrives and in a very strategic move informed by knowing Qian and Yuan for a significant amount of their lives, he arrives with food he knows will go over well with Qian and will test Yuan’s ears (he comes down the stairs from his room to throw the food away after all). 

Which, let’s just acknowledge that when Yuan comes downstairs and takes all the alcohol and greasy food away, the moment Yuan approaches the coffee table, Qian looks back towards the TV screen pretending he is disinterested in the situation at hand. But his eyes give him away because he keeps glancing at Yuan when he thinks he can steal a second. And stealing is what he is trying to do because he keeps his head pointed directly towards the television, while looking for half a second at Yuan out of the corner of his eye when Yuan leans over to collect the food. After that moment, Qian does not look towards Yuan again until Yuan has turned around and Qian can stare at his back. 

It must be said. Chris is a phenomenal actor, because even without seeing his face, just the top of his head, you can kind of tell the mood that Qian is in as Yuan walks away, because he turns towards Yuan. We see Yuan look in Qian’s direction, Qian moves his head further back to look at San Pang, then looks away shaking his head. I acknowledge I’m probably reading too much in to it, but I can feel the incredulity radiating off of that head shake. 

Yuan heads up the stairs, and Qian looks towards the staircase only after Yuan has disappeared. His head movement is so much more obvious than his previous motions that it literally looks like Qian is breaking character, or like he was previously frozen and had only now been allowed to breathe. Qian’s eyes look up towards the staircase (towards Yuan’s absence), then downward as he thinks about his next move, then back towards San Pang, then down once more as he makes a decision about whether or not he wants to Start The Conversation. 

gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul (my savior)

Qian here is trying to check that Yuan is out of earshot because he Will Not have the The Conversation about His Feelings if there is a chance that Yuan will know about it. 

With the heaviest of sighs, Qian gives San Pang an opening: “Did you buy those for me, or for him to throw away?”  Qian asks, and once again looks out of the corner of his eye, getting serious “Or for him to throw away?” 

And there is no doubt in my mind that it is the latter. San Pang bringing food that would trigger Yuan’s care instincts towards Qian, cause Yuan to intervene, and San Pang to bear witness to the tense and angry energy from Yuan towards Qian and force the issue. I think it’s partially why Qian does not deliberate for long in starting the conversation despite his hesitancy. 

San Pang scoffs and says in response “He wouldn’t have done that if he didn’t care about you. Xiao Yuan can’t bear to leave you alone.” holds up the salad as a physical example of the care that Yuan has for Qian. 

gifs by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

Qian gives another giant exhale and looks contemplative. Something that I do find really important in good acting is the use of internal monologue. Qian always has something on his mind that he is sitting with. And the benefit of a scene like this is that the production team, and the camera trust the strength of their actors to hold the silence that settles over the room as Chris runs the gambit of Qian’s internal thoughts. 

Qian is well and truly sitting with the acknowledgement of Yuan’s feelings from San Pang. Maybe I am wrong because I am not an actor, but I do not have the kind of intentional and conscious control over my face to have the kinds of lip twitches that Chris has when Qian is thinking about Yuan’s care for him. They may have twenty seconds of silence on screen, but that does not mean the scene isn’t still in motion. There are so many little things happening in the span between San Pang’s comment about Yuan and his next reflection on sending Yuan away. 

“Xiao Yuan can’t bear to leave you alone,” Qian turns that over in his mind, to me it’s like he’s feeling the weight of it on his tongue, in his body. Qian looks up, and then around, and tosses the remote to the side, breathes heavily again. That feels like a begrudging acceptance of the statement. At the very least it is permission from Qian to proceed with the difficult conversation. 

“Before I had Yuan leave the country, I had been thinking I was doing the right thing for you two. But seriously, be honest, did you feel empty when Yuan was away?”

gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

Qian blinks twice and we cut to a flashback of a lovely little isolated frame of Qian feeling Yuan’s absence. We cut back to a close up of Qian’s face and his lip twitches. Which I love because it feels like an involuntary admission. We know Qian, we know that boy is stubborn and stoic, that he muscles through all the pain, that he does not let many people see his weaknesses. San Pang asks Qian if he felt empty and Qian does. not. move. He holds exactly the same position, lounging on the couch with his hand behind his head like he is unmoved, unaffected by San Pang’s question. But that little twitch of his lip gives him away. San Pang has struck a nerve. San Pang has forced Qian to hold a spotlight to the feelings he’s been trying to numb for the last four years. 

“Let me tell you something. When Lili and I first got together,” 

I don’t know about anyone else, but I snorted at the way Qian turned his head to look at San Pang in warning. We still have not seen Qian approve of that relationship. And San Pang knows that he’s staring at the precipice of some truly hot water, which is why he follows up with a “hear me out.” 

Qian relaxes and once again turns to look away from San Pang. From San Pang’s position very little of Qian’s face is visible. So Qian keeps holding a position that will give San Pang as little of a chance of reading him as possible. 

“I’ve struggled too. I…I always wondered what happiness could I bring her? Was I doing the right thing? How could I face you? And then…I felt it wasn’t right. Life is too short.”

gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

Again, I just have to say. CHRIS CHIU IS A PHENOMENAL ACTOR. He does not move a muscle, but you know Qian is locked in on what San Pang is saying because of how he moves his eyes. When San Pang says “life is too short” you can actually see the moment where Qian starts paying more attention to San Pang’s words, because he looks away from the TV and more downward in thought. 

“Getting hung up over it for years, would it be worth all the lost time?” 

Chris changes how he breathes here. You can see Qian take in a deep breath, but he holds it for a few seconds, he lets his nostrils flare, and then you see a large release of breath in the movement of Qian’s chest. This is really really getting to Qian. That nostril flare was not because he was breathing in. Because he’d already taken a breath. It was not because he was breathing out, because we see that happen a few seconds after the nostril flare, without his nose moving again. When Qian flares his nostrils, he is holding his breath, for a rather noticeable amount of time too. 

I love Chris because he embodies Qian so well, I can almost feel the way Qian is feeling internally in all the subtle little ways Chris plays with how Qian holds and releases tension and attention. 

“Who’s been good to me?”

Qian blinks twice, letting the question hit him, and only then does he finally release his breath. 

“Who put me before themselves?” 

San Pang looks at Qian after he finishes asking these hypothetical questions. But Qian is still looking ahead towards the TV, trying to come across as disengaged in the conversation as possible. And San Pang notices that, and that is why he continues to talk. Because Qian is hearing him, he’s listening and processing, but he isn’t engaged. He hasn’t put his body in to the conversation yet, he hasn’t responded to anything that San Pang has said to him. So San Pang keeps pushing. 

“A lot of things are only between you and Yuan. Unless you really have something against being with a guy, Yuan’s the only one who will be by your side, no matter what. Are you really not going to confront it?”

And I love that we pull away from that question to Qian looking like he is lying in a therapist’s chair. And Qian holds that position he has been maintaining throughout the conversation for a few seconds longer. The number of times he blinks the only indication that what San Pang has said is getting through and that Qian is mulling it all over. 

And only then, after San Pang has said all these things about Qian and Yuan’s relationship, in a way that is not judgemental or against the idea of these brothers becoming romantically involved. Only after San Pang has said that Yuan would be by Qian’s side no matter what does Qian set his jaw and push himself up in to a sitting position to continue the conversation. 

San Pang does not know what happened at Le’s gang beyond them being beaten up. So while it is highly likely that he is aware saying that Yuan would follow Qian anywhere is opening a can of worms, he does not understand how much ammunition he has just given Qian to talk about the danger that loving him too deeply has put Yuan in.

We do not give enough credit to film actors for maintaining continuity across scenes, because this man sits up and the first thing Chris has Qian do is massage the back of his head, where the pain of his blood clot sits. I could probably sit here all day trying to talk about all the little facial expressions he does as Qian sits up and starts preparing himself to be vulnerable with San Pang. But we can leave it as merely that. Qian is getting ready to talk to San Pang about some deeply personal stuff.

Personal stuff that Qian usually does not typically get in to. Like, San Pang says he knows what Qian went through, but I do not think he does. I do not think Qian has told him about the sexual assault, or San Pang would not have been trying to throw women at Qian. 

gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

“San Pang.” He pauses, and you can see the way he is still noodling, thinking about whether or not he wants to talk to San Pang about all this. And notably, he does not meet San Pang’s eye when he begins “Do you know…” Qian looks to the side, he frowns a little bit, he taps the palm of his hand against the top of the couch arm. It feels so childish and small of him in a way that really struck me. Qian is nervous, he is redirecting that energy in to his motions. In to the tapping, in to looking away, in to not having to reveal deep personal truths sitting that close to another soul. “Do you know what my biggest wish in life is? My biggest wish in life is for them to be happy,” 

Ohhhhhh how that breaks my heart. Qian has suffered so much, he has done so much, he has survived so much. If you were to ask me, I would bet that Qian has never been happy. He was forced at a very young age to take over the role of caregiver. He is both a brother and a father to Yuan and to Lili. And it is a testament to Qian’s love for his family, and the pain he is willing to put himself through that Lili is so bright and vibrant and naive about some of the workings of the world. I believe that Lili is happy. I believe that Qian has succeeded in at least that much. But that is not something he has had a chance to do. “Even if the world comes down, I’ll hold it up.” I have not forgotten that line from last episode. Qian would hold the world together if it meant ensuring his sister’s happiness. 

I do not know what it is, but there is something in the way Chris moves his mouth after he says “My biggest wish in life is for them to be happy,” that just absolutely destroys me, because he makes himself look like this is such a huge confession. 

“Mine is the same.” 

gif from @wanderlust-in-my-soul

“I just want them to grow up healthy and happy, because I’m their big brother.” Qian’s words become so breathy and he’s jabbing his finger straight in to the arm of the couch to drive home his point. These are the words that matter, this is the wish that matters. Qian’s feelings, Qian’s happiness have nothing to do with it. If he’s empty so be it, as long as his siblings are happy and healthy he will wound himself a thousand times over. His fucking face here, once again is just…When Qian takes in a breath, it is shaky. You can tell by the movement of his jaw, which looks like it is moving from side to side a little bit. As he approaches the end of his sentence, it feels like he is trying not to cry. 

gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

Yuan’s life might be summed up in two words: Wei Qian 

But Wei Qian’s life is summed up in five: 

Because I’m their big brother. 

“We grew up together. You think I don’t know how hard life’s been on you? But you know that Yuan’s feelings for you are different.” 

Qian looks away incredulously, and there is something else there too, I think. Something in the way that Qian’s eyebrows furrow, the way his mouth hangs open, the way he breathes out. I don’t know that he can really believe that this conversation is happening right now. That San Pang would let these words reach the light of day, that he would acknowledge them so openly, so matter-of-factly. 

“We’ve tried everything. We even sent him abroad for years. You were miserable every day. You love him and he loves you.”

We get more of Qian’s thinking face here as San Pang says these words, his mouth agape, his breath quickening, his eyes moving back and forth as he sorts through his own thoughts. 

But I need to acknowledge San Pang. He has such an intriguing connection to Qian and his family. San Pang has power of Qian, because his parents are Qian’s landlords. He and Qian have been best friends for a very long time, and even though I think it is true that San Pang likely knows the most about Qian’s life history, he does not know it all. He is still, in many facets of his life, acting like a kicked dog and backing down every time he tries to push back against Qian now that Qian knows that he and Lili are together. But when push comes to shove. When Qian’s happiness is impeded, when Qian’s health is at risk, he will tell Qian what Qian needs to hear. 

Whether or not Qian is truly having a hard time parsing through his feelings for Yuan doesn’t matter to me as much as Qian getting permission from multiple people to actually pursue the relationship. In acknowledging all of this, San Pang, the man who at one point told Yuan he could like anyone but Qian, the man that sent Yuan away for four years, is telling Qian that it is okay for Qian and Yuan to be together. He is the external judge that is finally accepting this taboo relationship, because he knows that if he does not show Qian that it is okay for him and Yuan to change from brothers to lovers, that neither Qian or Yuan will have any chance in hell of long term happiness. 

“Even if you’re not together, he’ll be sad to see you sad.” 

Off come Qian’s glasses. Shit is getting serious now. Qian rests his head on his hand, he looks away from San Pang. He really sits with it, you can see the emotions rising up in him, in the way he breathes, in the way his nostrils move, in the way his lips tremble for a second before he speaks. 

gif by @ueasking

“I’m scared, you know?” he turns to look at San Pang, and he sucks in a huge breath through his nose. It’s the first time we’ve seen him breathe so obviously that way throughout the entire scene. GOD, QIAN KILLS ME. 

“You haven’t even tried. What are you scared of?” 

And this is the fascinating thing for me, right? Outside of Yuan, San Pang is Qian’s best friend, but they do not have conversations like this that often. San Pang has tried time and again to start the more serious conversations, to act as an emotional support for Qian, but Qian brushes those conversations off as much as he can. San Pang knew the medical issues, he knows the history, he knows about the pieces of Qian’s life that Qian can’t hide. But he does not know everything, Qian does not usually let himself be this vulnerable with San Pang, hell he hasn’t even told San Pang everything that happened with Le’s gang. He’s about to, but that is only because he is trying to make a point. 

I think he is only having this conversation with San Pang, only admitting he is scared, and confused about his feelings for Yuan because he has literally no one else to talk to about it, and he’s starting to break down to the point that he can’t hold it all in by himself. And San Pang keeps pushing. 

“You know he went to find Le by himself that day?”

“I know.” 

“He was surrounded and beaten by six people, and in the end…”

gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

He sucks in a breath. It takes him a moment to find the strength to form the words, so he forms a gun shape with his hand, which he points quickly a few times to fill the silence and the stillness in the room as he finds the shape of the admission on his tongue. He accentuates the severity of the memory with one final large motion. 

“...they pointed a gun at…” 

Ah, and there it is. The real reason behind Qian’s comment about wanting Lili and Yuan to be happy and healthy because he’s their big brother. Qian will not act on his feelings for Yuan, especially not right now because he is feeling guilty. Not just for sending Yuan away, not just because of the letter, but because Yuan’s unwavering loyalty, protectiveness, and love for Qian got Yuan hurt. Nearly got Yuan killed. Again. 

Qian’s whole world, his entire drive was shattered the day Yuan confessed, when Yuan told Qian that he was suffering. Yuan’s love for Qian was hurting him. But Qian just wants Yuan to be happy and healthy. The chance at having that world again was nearly destroyed with the realization that Yuan almost died abroad. His world was made complete again when Yuan returned home. And it was very nearly destroyed once more when Yuan walked in to that gang in hopes of protecting Qian. 

There is pain in witnessing the kind of love someone would die for. 

Qian can put himself in danger for the sake of his siblings, because from my perspective, Qian never thought his life had much worth. His formative years were filled with horrific abuse, assault under the guise of love, pain, suffering, doing terrible things just to survive. But this is all because he cannot see the forest through the trees, of the life that he has built, of the home that he has built, of the safety that he has built for his siblings. 

Yuan is not allowed to believe his life is less important than Qian’s because no one has ever thought that Qian’s life was more important than theirs. 

“Fuck, you- you’re telling me that now? Then, you…Right now, you…So, you’ve lost…”

Another quick shout out to San Pang, and moreso to the writing for San Pang that they don’t always let him have these brilliant speeches. He was able to navigate the beginning of this conversation because he knew mostly what he was walking in to, but with the reveal of Yuan and Qian’s near death experience, he is fumbling. 

The camera cuts back to Qian. I’d say Qian is listening to San Pang, but not fully present. Chris is doing so many things with his face in that moment. His nostrils are flaring, his lips are tightening like he’s trying to hold something back, he’s rocking his jaw from side to side. 

gif by @ueasking

“So, this isn’t a decision I can make so lightly.” He is almost crying now, he won’t cry, I think the only time we’ve seen him cry is when he was staring the prospect of Yuan’s death directly in the face during Russian Roulette and when he was hugging Yuan afterwards. But you can see the growing frustration and the threat of the tears very clearly on his face. Qian emphasizes the statement by once again jabbing his finger into the couch. 

“I have to consider the future.”  

“Do you want him to have a future without you?”

Let me tell y’all the way I collapsed under the weight of that question…it is no wonder Qian, notoriously quiet Qian, immediately shuts his mouth. I appreciate how much San Pang is willing to be the sacrificial lamb, because that is exactly the question that Qian needed to hear. That is exactly the reality that Qian, Yuan, Lili all face if Qian does not get his blood clot treated. A future without Qian in it. 

Qian needs to know exactly what he is doing to the people he loves by continuing to delay this medical treatment, but San Pang had to know that in asking it, it would only make Qian retreat back in to himself. Which is what Qian usually does. It was a miracle in it’s own right that San Pang was able to get Qian to voice this many of his concerns, to tell him the entire truth, to talk to him about the fear. 

gif by @ueasking

Qian closes his eyes, he lets the blow of the question absorb in to him, and he nods his head. Which, in my opinion, is a brilliant choice because the way he nods does not read to me as a confession that yes, Qian does want Yuan to have a future without him in it, and more so is an admission of defeat from Qian. But because we don’t get verbal confirmation either way, we do not, San Pang does not, Yuan does not get any confirmation one way or the other about what Qian is thinking. 

Qian just nods, lets the silence hang one moment longer, and kicks San Pang out. 

“Go home.” He says. But there is a more promising follow up “Let me think about it.” 

Which feels like the only thing Qian has really been doing for the last four years, but we’ve already established, that boy is about as moveable as a brick wall, and he and Yuan both serve to lose a lot if this goes wrong. 

And there you go @lurkingshan! 4103 words on the mouth twitch, nervous body language, and tears in this scene :D

#unknown the series #unknown the series analysis #unknown the series meta #unknown #unknown episode 10 #unknown the series episode 10 #taiwanese bl #chris chiu #wka long post

[wen-kexing-apologist]

Parallels in Unknown Episode 9

God I love the physicality in this show.

I will preface by saying once more that Kurt is doing a great job in his role as Yuan, especially lately with all the pushing and prodding Yuan has been doing to Qian, but I once again find myself having to highlight the masterful performance of Chris Chiu.

Wei Qian is a very tense and quiet character in a show that uses voice overs sparingly. This means that Chris has a very difficult job in conveying Qian’s inner monologue through body language alone. Without uttering a word we know what Qian is thinking; what he’s feeling; we understand the depth, the weight of his care for the people he loves.

For Episode 9, I want to talk about parallels. Parallels and how effectively Unknown is able to use them to bring maximum emotional devastation:

gif by @ueasking

We open with a flashback to Lili and Yuan as kids, to Lili trying to get out of going to school because she is worried the world is going to end. We open with a line from Qian:

“Even if the world comes down, I’ll hold it up.” 

Y’all. That line hit me like a 16 wheeler, holy fuck. This is the summary of Qian’s life, of his goals, of his struggle. Qian’s never had the luxury to live in a world that wasn’t falling apart. But he’s spared Yuan and Lili (especially Lili) from the trauma and the abuse and the pain he has suffered. He is already holding everyone’s worlds together, and that line struck me as the deepest and most beautiful profession of love. And of course, because he is acting as a parent to these kids he has to follow it with an empty threat.

The kids head off to school, but before the door closes behind Yuan he turns around, he looks Qian right in the eye and he says

“Ge, if the world comes down, we’ll hold it up together.”

gif by @ueasking

Double homicide. A perfect expression of Yuan’s devotion to Qian, Qian who very rarely experiences reciprocity. Qian spent a large portion of his life being uplifted and supported by the people around him: Le-ge, San Pang and his family, Xiong this is true, but for Qian most of those feel like or literally are debts to be repaid. He said it to Le-ge in this episode “I will pay you back everything I owe”, in Episode 1, Qian tells San Pang he’ll pay him back when San Pang covers his bills, Xiong helped kick start Qian’s career, but he’s in business with Xiong now so Qian’s success is Xiong’s success. Yuan is the only person to whom Qian owes nothing, and Yuan is the only person who is trying to care for him back without being owed.

Because this show has been looping in my head, I’ve been thinking a lot about trauma. The first scene we see of Qian and Yuan together, Yuan holds out a metal pipe in defense and Qian has an immediate flashback to his own childhood and the abuse he had suffered. Qian immediately establishes a connection to Yuan that he never will with Lili because Qian was incredibly successful in shielding Lili from the harshness of the world. We don’t see the trauma Yuan must have experienced as a kid, but we get the snippets, the ties in to Qian’s experiences, the illness, the hunger. Yuan has suffered, and Qian has saved him, and Yuan understands the burden that comes with care. Yuan is devoted to Qian, Yuan does not want Qian to hold everything he’s carrying all by himself.

Yuan has always been like this, and will always be like this for Qian.

Despite the overarching structural problems I had with this episode, I do think there was a strong thematic thread in paralleling space and physical touch all the way through.

The Letter

Qian discovers this letter in a box under Yuan’s bed. 

“In my life, I’ve been driven by a deviant and sharp obsession” 

Qian tenses up, taking in a deep breath, his eyes wandering away from the page. He literally has to mentally prepare himself to continue reading Yuan’s words 

“Looking back, there’s nothing else. But if my life were to cease all of a sudden-” Qian barely moves his head to finish reading, instead just casts his eyes downward.

“-not seeing you one last time would be my greatest regret” 

Qian moves the paper downward, and he looks away. Legitimately, Qian looks at that letter for as short a time as he physically possibly can. 

I’m mentioning the letter because the face that Qian makes when he is reading it is a recurring character throughout this entire episode. Because we see that face again almost immediately when Qian is at H.O.T.. That man is fully dissociating in his meeting, his mind is not at work at all. He is a statue sitting there with exactly the same face he was making when he read the first few words of Yuan’s letter. And it is not until everyone else but San Pang has walked away that he breaks from that thought paralysis and turns to get San Pang’s opinion. Dissatisfied with San Pang’s response and knowing that Yuan was hiding something from him and has not responded to his phone calls, Qian seeks additional answers. 

Rescuing Yuan

In Episode 1, Qian figures out Yuan is in trouble because he gets a phone call from Yuan’s teacher saying that Yuan applied for a leave of absence, he freaks out and goes straight to the pool hall where he barges in yelling and fighting his way to Le’s door. The second he gets in the room, he barrels straight towards Hu and grabs him by the collar. Qian has to be held back by multiple people in order to stop him from laying waste to everyone there, and the second Le-ge tells his people to let Qian go, Qian starts running straight to Le to fight him and has to be held back once more. 

While Qian is being detained, he is looking around wildly, face a perfect picture of rage and desperation. When Yuan is brought out and Qian is released, he runs straight to Yuan and pulls him in to a hug and they start to walk away, arms linked to each other’s backs in support and connection. 

And it sticks as such a vivid memory in my head that I had a visceral reaction to seeing how Qian has changed over time. Because in Episode 9 he knows something is wrong, you can see the worry behind his eyes when he tells San Pang that Yuan hasn’t answered his phone. And San Pang leaves him sitting there, still mulling over everything. When Qian enters the restaurant to talk to Le he appears calm (though there is very clearly a storm brewing inside him), he enters slowly. He is tense, and frustrated, and trying to contain it all. He is trying to keep himself calm. This is a very political conversation. He pours beer for Le-ge, he drinks with him, but you can feel it in the way that Qian sits that his every thought is like a clock just ticking away until something bad happens to Yuan. 

“Le-ge can I ask a favor of you?” 

“What favor?”

“Help me find Yuan,”

“Are you asking me to help you find him or hand him back?” Le asks bemused and we get a jaw twitch from Wei Qian. Qian is seething, but he knows how Le operates and he’s older and wiser now so he can’t just enter the scene beelining towards Le with his fist ready for a face. As a child he was willing to fight Le, as an adult he has recognized Le more as an unfortunate ally who has all the power. Le and Qian roll up to the scene and we get a far more familiar Qian the second he exits the car and starts sprinting towards Yuan and immediately decks Hu right in the face to get him away from Yuan.

Again he tries to fight everyone that comes between them, again he is detained, being held back by multiple people, again Le and Hu fight while Qian is waiting to be released so he can run to Yuan. Again Le puts an ultimatum on their freedom, before it was a boxing match, now it is Russian Roulette.

When they are set free, Qian immediately runs to Yuan and grabs him like he did when they were running away. The way he looks at everyone when he has Yuan in his arms is exactly the same way he looked at everyone when he was reunited with Yuan the first time Yuan was taken from him by the gang. 

It’s all the same, the way they walk out together, the way they are made to pause, the way Qian’s face is snarling when he’s trapped. It’s all there.   

Russian Roulette

Now, we are all about reciprocity here so we get another really tragic parallel between the boxing scene in Episode 1 and the Russian Roulette scene in Episode 9. 

In Episode 1, it is Qian that is made to play Le’s game alone: win three boxing matches, he and Yuan get to leave the gang. But Le doesn’t let Yuan off scot-free here either, forcing him to stand there and watch Qian get beat to shit over and over and over again for Yuan’s sake. And we get Yuan being the one to call out to Qian. 

“Ge, stop fighting, let’s go home!” Yuan yells, and when Qian wins we see Yuan wiping tears away, and then screaming after Qian when his opponent sneaks up behind him. When Qian and Yuan are alone together after the fight, Yuan is crying and when Qian tells him not to cry he says: 

“Sorry. You wouldn’t have been in this fight if it hadn’t been for me,” which in this case is true for reasons outside of Yuan’s control. The things Qian has done for Le are informed by the care he has for Lili and Yuan, but Yuan is not himself the cause of the problem. 

In Episode 9 however….he walks right into the gang as if that is going to do anything, and has to be rescued by Qian. This time, though Yuan does not (or at least has yet to) say it, Qian would not have been in this fight with Hu and the rest of the gangsters if it wasn’t for Yuan. 

Similarly to Episode 1, Le-ge gives an ultimatum to their release, Russian Roulette. Where before we had three boxing matches, now we have three bullet chambers. And Yuan is old enough to protect Qian now, so Yuan volunteers to go first, and we get a role reversal. Before, Yuan had to watch, crying, as Qian fought and bled. Now, Qian is the one sobbing, having to watch Yuan get a gun to the head. Yuan looks at him and mouths “wo ai ni” and Qian immediately closes his eyes because cannot look at Yuan when the trigger is pulled, just as Yuan tried to look away when Qian was getting his skull bashed in in the boxing ring. 

Yuan gets tortured right back though when it is Qian’s turn to have the trigger pulled, all we hear over the background music is this desperate and broken pleading scream from Yuan to let Qian go. When the game is over and Qian is released he runs straight to Yuan and pulls him up stating “Let’s go home, we’re going home,” another direct parallel to Episode 1. 

THE HUG

Alright, my favorite devastating blow of the evening, the hug in Episode 9 and how it parallels the hug in Episode 1. Because there are two levels to this: 

photo of the photobook that @thisonelikesaliens was kind enough to send me. gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

The hug that Episode 9 more explicitly parallels, in my mind, is the hug that Qian gives Yuan right when they are reunited. He has that boy tucked in his arms, and is holding the back of Yuan’s head with his hand. It’s a very quick moment, but the intensity of Qian’s motion, the strength of his hug, the emotional core of that hug is evident in just the briefest of seconds and matches the intensity, the strength, and the emotional core of the hug in Episode 9. 

gif by @ueasking

Then you get a secondary parallel with the hug between Qian and Yuan after the boxing match, though it’s not as much of a 1:1 visual as the brief hug above. This is mostly in the changing heights, Yuan and Qian are on relatively the same level here. And you get the hand to the back of the head as a comforting thing which Qian is also doing to Yuan in today’s hug. 

In Episode 9, they are walking back home, it is dark, it is quiet. Qian stops dead in his tracks, the same look on his face as when he read the letter. He turns to face Yuan and clenches his fist because he needs that extra strength, it is taking everything in him to follow through on what comes next and then he just grabs Yuan and pulls him into a hug that parallels the hug they shared when Yuan was younger. Qian hugs Yuan like he is that small, scared boy even though Qian is now so much shorter than Yuan and Yuan is so much braver than he used to be.

gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

But unlike the hugs in Episode 1, I don’t think this one is intended to comfort Yuan. I think this time, it is Qian reaching out to Yuan for his own comfort. Because in Episode 1 it is Yuan who cries in to the forehead touch, in Episode 9 it is Qian who burrows his face into Yuan’s neck as hard as he can while his face contorts in sobs. This is not necessarily a parallel, but it is the moment of the episode that ruined my life so I needed to make sure that I took you all down with me with a reminder of this scene and a gif. Oh also, they hug in front of a giant pile of wood like they do with the forehead touch in Episode 1 because they HATE US. 

Fishing Conversation v. Letter Conversation

The two big conversations that Qian and Yuan have this episode are really interesting to me because of how they play with space. When Yuan and Qian are out fishing together, Yuan places himself directly in front of, directly next to Qian for the whole length of the conversation where he asks Qian his feelings. Here they are with allllll this space around them, the water, the earth, the air they can sit wherever, they can stand wherever, they can exist wherever they want and they sit half a breadth apart. 

“Four years ago you turned and left, four years later we’re back here. This is enough.” Yuan states

“Can you stop staring at me then?” Qian asks.

gifs by @ueasking

And that in itself is a parallel to Episode 6 and Yuan begging, pleading, clutching at Qian’s knee for him to look at him. Qian could not look Yuan in the eye from the second Yuan told him he was suffering until the moment he returned home, and now Yuan refuses to break eye contact. (And as an aside, it is a very good indication that Qian is warming up to Yuan’s feelings because he says this in a very light, almost joking way. And he follows it with an empty threat, like the empty threat he gave to Lili when she said she didn’t want to go to school, one that Yuan calls him on immediately.) Yuan moves back to his seat, but even then he does not keep any physical distance from Qian, immediately reaching over to grab Qian’s rod ;-)

At the end of the episode, we get a very differently blocked conversation. It starts with the camera focused on Qian as he ices the back of his head, a place we know has caused him continual problems since the boxing match. Yuan knocks before he enters (which he did for the first time last episode), gives Qian a glass of milk (which they’ve definitely done in this show before), and in response Qian (rightfully imo) yells at Wei Zhiyuan for being dumb, then confronts him with the letter. 

“What is the meaning of this?” Qian asks, and it’s the first time he looks at Yuan in the exchange and Yuan takes it, turns around, and walks away without a word. Yuan puts the letter away and goes to sit on a chair in his room, looking across the hallway at Qian. And this is one of my favorite parallels in the episode, because of what it is doing with distance. 

gif by @ueasking

Earlier in the episode Yuan and Qian were fishing together and engaging in very intense conversation about their feelings and their relationship to one another (or rather, Qian was undergoing an interrogation about his feelings and hearing once more Yuan’s feelings for him). With all that wide open space at the river they were essentially joined at the hip the entire time. But here, when there is another very intense conversation about to happen- one where Yuan is breaking some news to Qian that is almost guaranteed to make him feel all the more guilty for sending Yuan away and going no-contact -there is as much space between them as possible.

So despite the fact that they are in their house, in a much smaller space than the river, despite the fact that they started the conversation in Wei Qian’s room, one of the few places Qian has been vulnerable in front of his family (especially when intoxicated, triggered, or experiencing symptoms of his chronic health condition), one of the few places that Qian has allowed Yuan to be completely carefree, cuddly, and affectionate with him (even sharing a bed), this space Qian has fought tooth and nail to make safe for his family, Yuan does not tarnish it by being in the room with him for the conversation. 

gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

No, instead Qian will get this information with as much physical and emotional distance between them as Yuan can muster. 

“...some people started writing their last words” causes Qian to break eye contact with Yuan, but his posture, his breathing, all the rest of his physicality remains the same. Until…

“Everything I own is yours, whether you want it or not,”

That is what breaks Qian. Throughout the conversation as he is hearing about Yuan getting trapped, as he is hearing about Yuan thinking he was going to die, he is stoic, he is stone faced, the most movement you see from him is his eyes looking Yuan up and down in concern and his breath getting slightly quicker with each word, the turn of his head. But here he closes his eyes, he looks down at the ground, he releases his breath. It hits him so hard, the knowledge that he could have sent Yuan away and never seen him again, he sent Yuan away and Yuan could have died, where Qian was not around to protect him. 

It is just such a good mirror to the fishing scene, I love it so much. 

#unknown the series #unknown #taiwanese bl #qian x yuan #unknown bl #unknown episode 9 #unknown meta #unknown analysis #unknown the series meta #unknown the series analysis #wka long post

[wen-kexing-apologist]

LOSING MY MIND OVER UNKNOWN EPISODE 8

Another week, another incredible episode of Unknown, another shout into the ether that they do not fuck this up for me in the final four episodes. Chris and Kurt are so good together as scene partners, but I am definitely dubbing Episode 8, The Chris Episode because holy hell was Chris juggling so many different emotions from Qian throughout the entire episode in all its tense and awkward glory. 

I think I want to talk about eyes. Because I just recently rewatched Episode 6, and was losing it all over again at Qian’s complete refusal to make eye contact with Yuan from the moment Yuan says he’s suffering until he returns from the United States. Especially because in Episode 8, he barely makes eye contact with Yuan but for very different reasons. 

Bedroom 

gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

Qian wakes up the morning after Yuan’s return to find Yuan sleeping at his side. Now, knowing that Yuan is really only pretending to be asleep, and that he will continue to terrorize Qian throughout the episode, Yuan has positioned himself in such a way that the very first thing Qian has the ability to see when he wakes up is Yuan’s face. In the initial moment of wakefulness, Qian uses this private, quiet moment to study Yuan’s face, after years. 

And similarly to the end of Episode 7, we look through Qian’s eyes via close up of Yuan’s face on screen only to hear Yuan say “seen enough?” Which is where we get a very good microexpression from Chris because Qian’s eyes go slightly wider, surprised that Yuan is a) actually awake and b) able to tell that he is Looking. But Qian does not look away. 

Yuan opens his eyes, and Qian shifts, lifting his head up slightly as if he’s dialed in…but he is only able to maintain eye contact with Yuan for (literally) 2 seconds, before snapping himself out of it and sitting upright to take himself out of physical line (or plane) with Yuan. But he immediately looks back down at Yuan looking very dazed and at least slightly confused, and from my perspective a lot of that is informed by the fact that Qian is having to adjust to Yuan being back home. But the longest Qian can bear to look at Yuan is approximately 5 seconds. 

gif by @thecasualfkfan

Qian, man of few words, tries to cut the thick silence with a caregiving question ‘are you hungry?” cut to the mirror where we see a reflection of only Qian, a jarring site because typically when Qian and Yuan are in the same room, they are framed together. “I’ll take you to the hotpot place,” and Yuan says nothing, so Qian tries to cut the tension again by saying he’ll message San Pang and Xiong. 

“No need for the trouble. We can eat at home.” Yuan replies, and it gives Qian pause. Years have passed since he last saw Yuan, Yuan is established in his adulthood, successful, independent, confident, and sure. Qian has not been coping well, and the easy relationship, the familiar dynamic that he once had with Yuan is gone, he has no idea how to exist around Yuan right now. Qian turns his head slowly, to look at Yuan once more, but Yuan is up and out the door, leaving Qian to just stare at the space he left behind for a moment. 

We get the second isolated framing of Qian in the mirror as his eyes move from the space by his bed where Yuan sat towards the door that Yuan just walked through. 

So what I love about this episode is that Yuan knows his feelings, and I think he has a pretty good understanding of where Qian’s feelings rest now that Qian has called him home. Yuan has a goal, Yuan knows what he wants, the distance has very much helped to calm the storm of feelings that Yuan was having a hard time keeping a handle on when he was younger. Qian on the other hand, has a few more crises to work through before he can feel grounded in his changing feelings for Yuan. Which is what I think we are watching him parse through right before the intro when his eyes follow Yuan out the door and then close accompanied by a deep intake of breath. A moment to process what just happened. 

This episode is very aptly titled The Distance Between Us and Love because Yuan is doing nothing but playing with distance. He is being petty, he is pushing buttons, he is- I would claim -essentially edging Qian by getting just close enough to inspire physiological responses in Qian without completely closing the distance. 

Dinner 

And that distance also includes a demonstration to Qian about how Yuan is capable of maintaining an emotional distance from him now that Yuan’s priorities have changed and he is no longer blindly, overwhelmingly devoted to Qian. And it’s funny in the show because it feels petty, because it is a little petty, but under the surface there is a lot of richness in understanding that Yuan’s position as an adoptee, as a traumatized child, as someone that was saved and probably felt the need to maintain his place, who didn’t have the same level of security in the household as Xiao Bao has had, Yuan has made Qian his number one priority for a significant part of his life, so much so that Qian has fallen right back in to the routine of anticipating being cared for by Yuan upon his return, but it is subject to change. To me, this entire episode reads like Yuan telling Qian “you have the choice not to engage in a relationship with me, but the emotional distance and deprioritization you are experiencing right now will be the new normal, can you bear that?” 

gif by @ueasking

Qian walks up to the table and sees a truly impressive layout of food in front of him, and he looks somewhat shocked between the food and Yuan, the food and Yuan. Yuan has always been a helpful person, he has been trying to ease Qian’s burdens his entire life, but he’s an adult now and thus his reciprocated care means actually being able to provide for and support Qian holistically. Yuan walks out of the kitchen with a hangover cure, and Chris performs an inspired bit of improv and reaches for the glass, because Qian has slipped back into a world where someone cares about him first. But like I said, Yuan isn’t acting that way right now. 

I love that Qian looks to his right to see if San Pang caught his #awkwardmoment and that is sustained throughout the dinner as Qian keeps stealing glances at Yuan, but looking away before he can have any silent interactions with Yuan at all. My favorite part of this scene is Yuan’s interaction with San Pang who is also absolutely awkward with Yuan. In this scene we get a massive dig from Yuan to both San Pang and Qian, and on the surface it’s petty but if you look in an additional layer, there is so much disrespect behind Yuan’s words. 

gif by @ueasking

“San Pang. Thank you. I’ve thought a lot during my time abroad. If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t have the chance to go to the US and get what I have now. I’m grateful to you. Thank you.”

It is important, in my mind, that the end of this statement is followed with a cut to Qian’s face and not San Pang’s because it wasn’t San Pang that sent Yuan to the US. He was the one who delivered the news for sure, but it was the money Qian had saved over the course of years that sent Yuan abroad. There is soooo much disrespect in this statement because Yuan is ignoring Qian’s contribution to his time abroad and he is telling San Pang, essentially, that anything that happens between Yuan and Qian moving forward is directly because of him. 

And now, a commercial break for the funniest scene in the show to date: 

Bedroom 2

Here we start with the hands :) Yuan enters Qian’s room and immediately moves behind him, putting a hand on his shoulder. Qian is mad about San Pang and Lili and he is fully not making eye contact with Yuan, barely even turns in his direction when he enters the room, puts as much distance between himself and Yuan as he can in his room. 

“Ge. Have you ever thought that we can’t accept changes because we’re too used to the way things were?”

gif by @ueasking

And we get Qian finally and slowly looking in Yuan’s general direction, Yuan moves to the bed, to Qian’s side and over the course of the conversation Qian looks towards Yuan about three more times, but he never turns completely, he never looks directly. Not even when Yuan calls him “Wei Qian” which was a brilliant fucking move on his part when he’s trying to drive home the point that the nature of people’s relationships to one another can change. Yuan leaves and the camera cuts to him leaving exiting Qian’s room and entering his own and a few seconds later, Qian opens his door, standing in the doorway in a similar fashion to how we saw him at the end of Episode 6 right after Yuan had left the house to go to the States. 

At the Computer

gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

As time continues, and Qian has not verbalized his own feelings for Yuan, Yuan starts pushing him a little harder. At first there was distance, then touch, and now he is getting bolder, literally getting in Qian’s face when he isn’t paying attention so that Qian is forced to look on in surprise and he’s asking Qian a question with his face so close there is literally no where for Qian to turn to. And Qian responds not only by looking at him, but by scanning his face, eyes flitting down to Yuan’s lips two separate times. Yuan lets the moment hang long enough for Qian to show his uncertainty around what is about to happen (is Yuan going in for a kiss?) before he breaks the tension by asking Qian a business question. But he’s been successful in shaking Qian because Qian looks back at Yuan twice in ten seconds, while Yuan just continues to stare directly at Qian to prevent Qian from stealing glances. 

Being Fed

gif by @ueasking

We cut to probably my favorite scene of the episode with Yuan feeding Qian, mostly because Qian has no fucking idea what to do about it. Also because it has absolutely one of my favorite blocking moments when Qian reaches for the bowl in Yuan’s hand at the same time Yuan leans forward to feed him. I love this moment a) because the execution of the motion is so smooth and b) because of the concept of food as love. Qian here is trying to take the food from Yuan while Yuan is reaching out with the spoon to feed Qian his love. Qian takes the proffered bite apprehensively, and then rejects the continued action by taking the bowl from Yuan. 

And Yuan as he usually is, spends all his time staring straight at Qian, so that Qian is forced to catch his eye if and when he looks in Yuan’s general direction. Qian is really struggling with his feelings for Yuan this episode so he rushes to finish his food and get the fuck out of dodge. Between each bite he looks to Yuan for just a second before turning his head further and further to the side so as not to catch Yuan in his periphery. 

“They say if you like someone, even if you wear a mask you can see it in their eyes” Qian cannot look at Yuan, because Yuan is bleeding his feelings for Qian. Qian cannot look at Yuan because Qian is bleeding his feelings for Yuan. But unfortunately for Qian, it is not just his eyes that give him away. Because he has not reckoned with his new feelings, Qian is incapable of interacting with Yuan without being the most awkward motherfucker alive. Because Yuan is confident in what he wants and Qian is still having to adjust. Qian finishes the food and hands the empty bowl back to Yuan, and just as he is about to remove himself from the situation, Yuan scoops up the very last remnants of the meal and starts to feed it to Qian. 

gif by @coffeelover5eva

Qian for just a second jerks his head back, in the same way that he moved his head slightly backwards when he turned to find Yuan staring at him in his bedroom. Much in the same way that he will take a step back later when Yuan moves to fix his collar. But because Qian does have feelings for Yuan and is fighting a losing battle, that instinctual reaction to put some distance between them, to not be cared for, quickly makes way into a deflated submission as he lets Yuan feed him those last little morsels. Yuan walks away as Qian just sits in quiet, annoyed, resignation. Chris’ face throughout this entire scene is just absolutely hysterical.  

Yet another commercial break, because I am dying at Yuan being a menace

I do think it is worth noting that Qian’s reaction to this is very similar to his reaction to Yuan saying he liked him in that first attempt where he physically and emotionally disengages, gives him a little pat and tries to remove himself from the situation at hand. 

Car

gif by @ueasking

Absolutely the most normal and relaxed Qian has acted around Yuan for this entire episode is in the scene where Lili is bailing on the family trip and he and Yuan are discussing what to do next. Is that little hand stopping the trunk from opening all the way a little desperate? Yeah I think so. But holy shit is it the least tense Qian has been with Yuan in quite some time. 

That does not last long though because once they get in the car, Qian sits there expectantly, waiting for the charged sexual tension that would come with Yuan reaching over him to buckle his seat belt. I love this show for giving us the parallel fishing trips, because Yuan originally tried to pull the BL Seatbelt Staple years prior without complete success, Qian does not get the luxury of a second chance to get butterflies in his stomach having Yuan that close. It’s fucking brilliant to have had the buckle before, because it means the audience very clearly knows what Qian is thinking and expecting when he makes no move of his own to buckle up.

gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

What I love so much about this moment is that Qian has been trying to avoid these feelings time and time again since Yuan returned. And here we know he’s lost because for the first time in the entire episode he is waiting for Yuan to make a move. He wants Yuan to buckle him in. He can’t say it out loud, it’s embarrassing for him to have Yuan not buckle him in while having Yuan passively calling him out on his expectations. 

If Qian’s absolute inability to function with Yuan gone was not enough of an indication that Qian has lost this fight already, this is absolutely the point in which we know Yuan has won. Because after all the avoidance, those split seconds of jumping back, of adding distance, of trying to shorten the time the two of them are alone together, Qian doesn’t bail on the trip and Qian waits for Yuan to make a move. 

Fishing

First, it must be acknowledged that under the sunlight, Qian’s hair is very red. In other words. The boy has uke hair. 

“When did you get so good at fishing” Qian asks

“When I was abroad I used to go hiking and fishing by myself. I didn’t feel lonely when I imagined you were by my side,”  Yuan replies 

and Qian furrows his brow slightly because Qian did that too. Not the hiking-and-fishing part, but the curbing the loneliness by imagining-Yuan-was-there part. We can see it in Episode 7 when he smiles and toasts the air at his side with his beer can after Lili and San Pang leave for the Christmas market, and if you didn’t catch that moment the first time (I did not) we get it again in the flashback Qian has, remembering the brightness and the chaos of Lili and Yuan being in the house. 

“Ge, do you have something to say?”

“Zhiyuan, don’t keep your feelings for me anymore. Nothing will come of them” Yuan chuckles, which like…valid buddy, cause that is fucking hilarious. Not because Yuan doesn’t have feelings for Qian, but because something will definitely come of them. Because this is Qian’s last attempt at trying to maintain the status quo. Trying to be responsible and keep their feelings for each other at a non-romantic level. But it’s too late, Qian, you’re a goner. Qian looks at Yuan, but only in his peripheral vision, he dares not look at Yuan flat out at this point. 

“What makes you think I still have feelings for you?” Qian looks at Yuan immediately after he says that, and not just looks at his face, but down his body, and then out in to his own thoughts. 

“Ge, do you remember a long time ago you asked me what I would do if the person I liked got married?”

“You said you’d go crazy”

“My answer’s changed.” 

And with that Qian has the sharpest, fastest head turn we’ve seen from him all episode but for the first time in the entire episode, Yuan is not looking a Qian. He is giving Qian the space to look, to think. He tells Qian that he will be happy as long as the person that he likes is happy, and we immediately see this tension release itself from Qian’s forehead. Qian is looking pensive throughout the conversation, and his eyes only move once Yuan moves again that Qian’s eyes follow the motion of the lid. Yuan moves to sit on the container, which places Qian not only below him, but the camera angle shrinks Qian down so he appears even smaller than usual next to Yuan. 

Qian looks at Yuan when he sits down 

“Wei Qian. Don’t you like Wei Zhiyuan?” Yuan asks, and the moment his question finishes, Qian looks away, because Qian has been incapable of maintaining eye contact where any romantic feelings are involved, but he is actually thinking here. You can see that question weighing heavy on Qian’s mind. And he can’t just run away from it so he closes his eyes and looks away again. 

“If you do, is it only because we’re brothers?” and Qian’s jaw tenses considerably as he processes the question. You can see his lip move, you can see the twitching of his cheek as he clenches his teeth. But Yuan is done teasing Qian. Qian has become increasingly more obvious in his reactions to Yuan and now that Yuan has successfully riled Qian up over the past few days and they are alone where they had their first conversation about Yuan’s crush on an unknown boy. @romchat has already pointed out the reverse imagery for the parallel here but Yuan reaches out and clasps Qian’s cheek, the same way that Qian has done for Yuan countless times. 

gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

When Yuan’s hand first makes contact, Qian looks at it but keeps his eyes trained downward. But the second time that Yuan’s thumb slides gently across his cheek, Qian looks up, looks straight into Yuan’s eyes. He does not tense any further, he does not fight against it, he does not shy away from Yuan’s touch or Yuan’s gaze. (@respectthepetty has a very lovely little breakdown of this scene herself here)

“This thing about us, is it that you don’t want, or you don’t dare?” Yuan asks and we move back to a wide angle shot that closes out the episode with the little title card. But Chris doesn’t stop acting just because there isn’t a close up on his face, oh no. No. Instead Qian’s face relaxes eeeeeever so slightly, and you can see him swallow hard. This is not a question he wants to be faced with because we all know what the answer is, and the answer is that he does want, but doesn’t dare. And the second that his fear of losing Yuan for a second time becomes stronger than his fear of changing their relationship? Game over. 

This show is putting so many worms in my brain, I love it so much, and I am so looking forward to episode 9 where I get to see my boys being put through hell at the hands of the gang. Torture my boys! They don’t have enough angst!!

#unknown #unknown the series #unknown episode 8 #unknown the series analysis #unknown the series meta #wka long post #chris chiu #kurt huang #taiwanese bl

[wen-kexing-apologist]

Symptoms of a System Error: The Manifestation of Myungha's Depression in Love for Love's Sake

Ok I will almost certainly have more thoughts about this when I go back to rewatch Love for Love’s Sake in the next couple weeks, but I’ve been thinking about the finale for the last couple of hours and I want to get some stuff out of my head. Before I get too far in to this, I want to say that I think most of the ambiguity in the show is brilliantly executed in a way that allows people to take whatever meaning they want to from it without contradicting each other, without stepping on toes, and without having to twist or bend the narrative beyond all recognition to  make it make sense. 

So I want to talk about the use of depression in this show, because the way Myungha exists in the world is recognizable enough to me that these moments of choice, and the system errors were extremely legible. That doesn’t mean my take is the correct one (and I honestly don’t think there is one right answer here anyway) but it’s what I got out of it, so with the needless ramble complete, let’s get to it. 

Prologue

gif by @dramascene

I connected rather quickly to Myungha as a character from right near the beginning of episode 1 because of how passionate he was about the character of Yeowoon and how much he hoped for a happy ending for that character. As someone who processes a lot of my feelings, and who understands myself better through media consumption, I was quick to appreciate the fact that Myungha recognizes the parts of himself that speak to Yeowoon and to know that because Yeowoon is fictional, he has a chance not to suffer with merely a stroke of a pen. The Author could have chosen from the beginning to give Yeowoon a happy ending, and did not because he believes that there are people for whom bad things will never stop happening. But from the perspective of a fictional story, the Author should consider who he is writing the story for. Myungha connects to Yeowoon, and it sends one hell of a tragic message for how Myungha’s life will end up if even in fiction the people who suffer have no hope of happiness. 

Myungha tells the Author that someone like Cha Yeowoon, someone like him [Myungha] with awful lives can still be happy. Looking back on that statement with the knowledge that Myungha kills himself, sends a very clear message, at least for me, of the hope that he was clinging to and finally lost his grip on. The Author asks if Myungha can change the outcome, and thus begins our story.

Debuffs

Now, I don’t know that I will have much more to say here than what @jemmo said in their very brilliant post, beyond the fact I agree with their interpretation of the debuffs. But I am thinking about the debuffs as it relates to mental health and to Myungha’s independence. One of Myungha’s first missions is to befriend Cha Yeowoon, and we see the difficulties associated with doing so when it comes to the Fondness Level meter and the debuffs that happen as a result. I love what Jess said about the dichotomy there: the debuffs mean that every time Myungha gets close to Yeowoon, something bad happens, Myungha uses that as a reason to stay away from Yeowoon to protect him when in fact, being around Myungha and increasing his fondness for him is the only way to really keep Yeowoon safe. 

gif by @dramascene

And here again there is something recognizable to me in this dichotomy. Myungha likes Yeowoon, Myungha wants to be friends with Yeowoon, every time something bad might happen to Yeowoon, Myungha is there to intervene. But Myungha is convinced that the potentially negative events that might occur during a debuff are because of him, and so he avoids Yeowoon as much as he possibly can. To me this makes the debuffs a stand in for depression symptoms. Myungha has convinced himself that he is the cause of the bad moments in Yeowoon’s day. Myungha has convinced himself that Yeowoon would be better off if they weren’t friends, because he only makes things worse. And that is not something he can easily shake off, it’s not something he can logic his way out of, that’s the game, that’s just how it is. And so he withdraws until Yeowoon comes to him. 

And honestly thinking about it, nothing bad really happens during those debuffs. The light doesn’t shatter, the boys back off on the bus, Yeowoon doesn’t punch Sangwon. Maybe the reason why nothing at all happens is because Myungha intervenes. Maybe if Myungha hadn’t been there, the light would have broken, maybe if Myungha hadn’t been there Yeowoon would have punched Sangwon. But that is not a lens that Myungha is capable of viewing himself through, that is never an option that crosses Myungha’s mind because he is too focused on feeling like the cause of Yeowoon’s problems. 

System Errors

I know there is a lot of confusion or at least uncertainty around the system errors. Why are they happening? Where are they coming from? For me, I think the answer is Myungha himself. The first time we get a system error, it’s in Episode 6, what I think is the day after Yeowoon and Myungha have their first kiss and very soon after Yeowoon and Myungha kiss on the rooftop at school. The first error isn’t subtle, but it’s not explicitly stated. Myungha walks in to a room to take a phone call and walks in to the middle of band practice, falling through the world as he tries to remove himself from the situation until he (literally) runs in to Yeowoon. Myungha goes home that night and gets his first moments in the black abyss, and the first explicit mention via pop-up of a system error. I have not gone through (yet) to track every instance of what happens before a system error pop-up occurs from that point on, but I will say moment that was most legible for me in terms of indicating that these system errors were stemming from Myungha himself were when he gets the notification both times that Yeowoon looks directly at him and tells Myungha “I love you.” 

gif by @dragonsareawesome123

That moment was a guy punch for me because I was not able to see it any other way except that Myungha is so incapable of believing that people could actually love him that someone telling him directly and sincerely that they love him cannot exist in his world. He literally cannot compute it, and thus an error occurs. Again from the perspective of depression, or trauma, or what have you, this is familiar to me. It is perhaps the most reflective part of Myungha to my own psyche. Neither of us know how to be loved. 

Myungha is called out on this repeatedly, he is nice to everyone, he does so much for everyone and refuses to ask for help himself. I’m the same way, I will bend over backwards as much as I can to help the people that I care about, but it is a rare occasion where I can ask for help myself. I’m not sure if this is the case for Myungha, but for me at least a lot of that stems from needing to make myself useful to people in some way so they keep me around. And so I end up feeling like a commodity to the people that I care about and help, and merely tolerated by anyone else that I do not help but that interacts with me any way. Myungha is called out consistently by multiple people, real or NPC about this similar habit. Myungha does not want to be a burden, Myungha only cares about other people’s happiness, Myungha is not happy himself and has maybe never been happy and so he pours everything he can in to lightening the load for others. 

He loves Yeowoon, but to be loved by Yeowoon is different. To experience any moments of joy cannot possibly be real. Maybe I am projecting too much on to the character, but it makes complete and total sense to me that Myungha’s worldview would break down upon having someone state wholeheartedly that they want to be a support system for him. 

Cruel Choices

gif by @dramascene

With the enmeshment of depression and video game mechanics in mind, I want to talk about the scene at the end of Episode 6. I love this scene so much for a number of reasons: 

It turns the game on a head for me as we slip further and further in to a nightmare scenario

It raises the stakes and attempts to get Myungha to make a hard choice 

It forces Myungha to think about what is important to him 

It’s ultimate purpose and who is posting the mission is ambiguous/uncertain 

I’m going to focus on number four. I think it is a perfectly valid read to see this and all video game mechanics as designed by The Author in an effort to help Myungha change Yeowoon’s story in which case this mission feels particularly vindictive and cruel. @lurkingshan posed the question in a conversation we were having about Love for Love’s Sake, where she wondered why the game could not hold two sources of love for Myungha at once. I love that question because it made me realize how differently this show can be read and how important who you choose to read as the entity in control of this game is for what this scene specifically means and I love so many interpretations of it, I love the interpretation that is was simply cruel, I love the interpretation that in retrospect this was the Author being angry at Myungha for dying, I love the reflection from @jemmo that said this felt like a choice between staying rooted in the past (sparing grandma) or choosing a future (sparing Yeowoon)

For me, I think I am leaning heavily in to the pop ups are under Myungha’s subconscious control, his mind, the missions he thinks are important, the problems he thinks he is causing are what is driving the base game. Because of this my base instinct is to lean in to the depression/anxiety/trauma tent where things have been going a little too well for him lately and he has convinced himself that he is due for something bad to happen. I am happy to once again acknowledge that this probably projection, but I know that my own mental illness(es) does not let my peace linger for long. Myungha is spending so much time with Yeowoon, Yeowoon who grounds him when his world is literally falling apart. Yeowoon who cannot contain his smile whenever he is around Myungha, Yeowoon who is downright desperate to bestow love and support upon Myungha, Yeowoon who has accompanied Myungha to the hospital late at night to be there for his boyfriend in a stressful time, and Myungha can’t have that. He loves his grandmother, he loves Yeowoon, they both love him and so obviously means that something bad is going to happen to them. 

gif by @25shadesoffebruary

[As an aside I am thinking about what the Author said in the final episode about wanting Myungha to be able to see himself from the outside, and how I took that to mean Yeowoon is supposed to be a reflection of Myungha and a journey to self love, and how Yeowoon told Myungha that something bad always happens to the people around him in relation to this hospital scene]

Secondarily, I do think being confronted with this choice at all allows Myungha to have a moment of reflection, and is clarifying for him to know that both Yeowoon and his grandmother are important people in his life that he doesn’t want to lose. That’s fucking huge, in my opinion at least. And for all this mission was cruel, it was the first time Myungha refused to complete the mission. He was asked to save one, he decided to save both, and the game could have been cruel and taken his grandmother and Yeowoon away for refusing to choose, but it didn’t. They both got to live, and sure Myungha’s mission to make Yeowoon happy was shortened significantly, but I do think fifteen days was enough time to be successful in his mission if the depression and the grief had not gotten to Myungha instead. 

Grief 

gif by @my-rose-tinted-glasses

Something about grief that my therapist told me once was grieving people love helping others. And I think that is the case of Myungha here just based on the way he throws himself in to helping as many people as he can, especially Yeowoon. He knows Yeowoon is grieving, he knows Yeowoon is struggling, and he can distract himself from his own shit by helping Yeowoon instead. But once Myungha is confronted with the possibility that either one of the people that he loves could die, the penality for failing in his mission to make Yeowoon happy looms over his head like a knife. Just like Myungha considered himself the problem with the debuff, he knows how high of a likelihood it is that Yeowoon would regress, would isolate, would sink into a massive low. 

And it would be Myung’s fault (in his mind). 

Especially because Yeowoon keeps saying that even thinking about going on dates with Myungha is making him happy but Myungha’s mission isn’t complete. Myungha has started to get low, he is not as engaged in his relationship with Yeowoon, he’s convinced himself he is going to fail, and is thus setting himself up for failure because he decides 15 days is not enough time to find happiness, but it is enough time to break somebody’s heart in preparation for a devastating loss. And maybe, maybe Myungha would have snapped out of it with enough time to spare initially, but any hope of that being the case was shattered the second Yeowoon admitted that he wasn’t happy because Myungha wasn’t relying on him. 

Myungha is so used to be self-reliant there is no way for him to break out of that habit in just two weeks. Myungha knew his death would hurt Yeowoon, but the final nail in the coffin for him was learning that his life was hurting Yeowoon too. And he almost got there, he almost did it, he admitted that he didn’t know how to, but he withdrew at the last second. He has spent all this time, all this energy, all this focus in to changing Yeowoon, he does not have the space to do that for himself. 

The Choice 

gif by @supanuts

The last moment I will really speak to as it relates to my interpretation of this game being controlled by Myungha as a manifestation of his depression is the author’s pen. Considering the fact The Author asked Myungha if he wanted to try again, I do not think if the Author was controlling this game world that he would have had Myungha disappear from it. Because according to the Gaga subs, the change that Myungha writes is that he wants Yeowoon to be happy, and immediately upon finishing that request, Myungha starts to fade. 

If we hold these game mechanics as manifestations of Myungha’s depression, which I do, it makes complete and total sense to me that Myungha would fall back in to the pattern of believing that Yeowoon would be happier if Myungha wasn’t there. Yeowoon has a modeling deal now, he has some modicum of fame, he has friends now, he has supports in place that he did not have before, so what need does Yeowoon have of him, when his inability to let people love him is what is now causing Yeowoon to feel sad. 

And I think that massive server error at the end where the world is burning and the universe is melting in to the game is a result of Myungha realizing too little, too late that this isn’t what he wanted. But it can’t be undone. The line he says when he is sinking in to the water about how at the last minute before he died, he regretted it. The game, the drowning here are one in the same to me. 

And for me there was just something so beautiful and hopeful from Myungha telling The Author that he wants to try again. We started the show with Myungha telling The Author miserable people can be happy, and we end the show with Myungha and Yeowoon finally getting the happy ending they never thought they would have. 

gif by @junghaesin

God I loved this show.

#love for love's sake #lfls #love for love's sake meta #love for love's sake analysis #one thing about this show is that it almost certainly will lend itself well to a rewatch! #and I *love* rewatching shows #wka long post

[wen-kexing-apologist]

Feelings Made Visible: Design Choices in The Sign

I am sure I am not the first person who has picked up on this, but I wanted to talk briefly about something I noticed in the Tharn and Phaya fantasies that were really intriguing to me.

So, generally I dislike intimacy fake outs, it often feels like fanservice in a way in that the story is building tension between it's characters and doesn't want that tension to break while also knowing that an audience seeing a ton of swerved or interrupted kisses may piss them off a little bit. And while I don't love that The Sign has given us the intimacy fake outs in the previews for episodes, I have really enjoyed them in the show itself because they serve a function beyond just catering to an audience that knows Billy is one of the best in the business when it comes to acting horny and just wants to see him making out with Babe.

The fake out intimate scenes in The Sign do a really great job at demonstrating the difference in expectations and desires between Phaya and Tharn.

In Tharn's fantasy he wants to be handled a touch more aggressively, he wants to be pressed against walls and choked, etc etc while Phaya's fantasy shows a deep desire for soft intimacy. He wants to be taken care of, he wants to be handled tenderly. And, like a number of us have pointed out at this point, you can see what aspects of their reality inform their fantasy. Phaya is pressed against Tharn's back at the end of their sparring match, and then Phaya is pressed against Tharn's back when they are about to start fucking in Tharn's fantasy.

Tharn strokes his thumb gently against Phaya's hand and wrist at the doctor's and then Tharn strokes his thumb gently against Phaya's hand and wrist in Phaya's fantasy.

That's all well and good. But there is another thing that they have been doing with these fantasies that are really interesting to me, and that is the difference in the way they are visually structured. In Tharn's fantasy in the bathroom, the lighting is vibrant and unnatural, a total wash of pinks and blues that almost drowns everything else out. In Phaya's fantasy on the couch, the scene is lit naturally but a bokeh effect is superimposed over top of their make out session.

And thinking back throughout the course of the show, these two visual cues are frequently following Tharn and Phaya throughout any and all of their potentially intimate moments.

When Tharn is drunk in Episode 2 and Phaya has dragged him in to the bathroom, the bathroom itself is lit up with a soft pink glow that brushes over Tharn and Phaya's skin. And while they are both leaning in to their desire here, their lips almost touching, Phaya actually giving in a little and kissing Tharn's forehead when he looks down at Phaya's amulet, it is Tharn who is iniating all of the romantic/flirtatious physical contact. It is Tharn that says he won't let Phaya go, it is Tharn that pins Phaya against the bathroom stall and kisses his cheek, it is Tharn that goes in for the actual kiss before getting distracted. And as a result of that we get Tharn's visual cues with the bathroom lighting, not Phaya's visual cues with the bokeh effect. And for what it's worth, the lighting here is real, when Yai enters the restroom and it is really just Yai and Phaya in a shot, they are still awash in pink. Which is why I think the lighting is fun but realistic (aka lighter/more muted) rather than absolutely consuming the scene.

At the beginning of Episode 3, Phaya returns to his grandmother's home and for a moment he invisions Tharn is cuddling him in bed, and for the brief time that Phaya is leaning in to that fantasy, he is under white/uncolored lighting the entire time, but those bokeh flares cover the screen until he snaps out of the dream and realizes he is alone in bed.

gif by @thisautistic

The same goes for later on in the episode for both of the soft, quick kisses between Naga and Garuda and Phaya and Tharn. When Phaya has the dream of him and Tharn in the past, there is a moment where they share a kiss, and again they are in natural lighting with a bokeh effect appearing when they actually kiss. And while this is a moment of shared intimacy between Naga and Garuda, it is occuring in Phaya's dream and as such we get the visualization of Garuda's feelings rather than having any visual confirmation of Tharn's. Same goes for when Phaya gives Tharn a goodnight kiss at Tharn's grandmother's house. In the moments leading up to the kiss all the lighting is natural, and they actually play a little bit here (and quite frequently if you look back at it) with string lights that give scenes almost a natural bokeh effect with the way the lights form little circles on screen.

gif by @25shadesoffebruary

So the entire time that Phaya and Tharn are talking on the dock there are little string lights in the background that sit near Phaya's head, and when he wraps his hand around the back of Tharn's head (something that appears in Phaya's fantasy make out on the couch later) and pulls Tharn in for a kiss, the bokeh effect flash large and bright across the screen. In parallel to the bathroom flirting, this time it is Phaya that is initiating all the action. It is Phaya who is flirting, it is Phaya that leans in for the kiss, and therefore it is Phaya's bokeh effect that appears when they actually share a moment of intimacy.

In Episode 4, Phaya offers to drive Tharn home, but forces them to stop for hot pot first. Tharn protests at first, but Phaya grabs him sexily by the shirt and starts dragging him of screen, pulling him for all intents and purposes in to a date. And at this point in the show, if you don't think Tharn reciprocates feelings for Phaya you are burying your head in the sand. SO. Tharn likes being here. He likes being on this kinda-sorta date with Phaya. Eating food and sharing space, and the moment that Tharn gets up from the table, the scenes turns to very intensely focus on him. As a result, the lighting in the background of the scene is a deep, bright, pink. A visualization of Tharn's feelings for Phaya.

gif by @25shadesoffebruary

And that pink lighting continues as we head in to Tharn's apartment and wind up in Tharn's fantasy. Phaya has just manhandled him (something Tharn likes), he's taken him on a date (with quite enough plausible deniability for Tharn's emotional walls to maintain that's not what he was doing because he can't fall in love with Phaya because everyone Tharn loves dies), and now Phaya is sleeping right outside his door. Something I very much appreciate about The Sign is that there is no mistaking these men's sexuality. There are no struggles with it, they don't have to fight against internalized homophobia before they are willing to be intimate with each other, and Phaya and Tharn are both experience a decent amount of early-to-mid twenties horniess that allows them to be very obvious about and open with their physical reactions to carnal desire. These are men that have clearly fucked before. And it is not that Tharn wouldn't jump Phaya's bone at the first opportunity, it is fully about Tharn's trauma history. If Tharn didn't have the baggage that he did, if he hadn't lost so many people that he loved, you know he'd have no hang ups about this and he and Phaya would have been fucking from like…week one of base camp.

And we know this from the moments where Tharn is not in his head. He initiates the physical intimacy when he's drunk, and when he is asleep he has his fantasy. And because this moment happens in a dream we get a far less realistic coloration to the lighting and instead get the very intense, saturated pink that covers every inch of the bathroom. And while we do get a little bit of a string light situation that is evocative of a bokeh effect, we don't acutally get a bokeh effect. Because this is 100% Tharn's fantasy.

gif by @firstmix

The color play continues at their next intimate moment when Tharn is patching up Phaya's wound, yelling at him about not being stupid and going off alone, and telling him never to say it's okay if he dies. When Phaya stands up to walk away, Tharn reciprocates the shirt pull from the beginning of Episode 4 (because The Sign perpetually says #verserights) and we get a moment where Phaya and Tharn are backlit by red and blue flashing lights from the police vehicles in the area. AND not only that but the way the lights reflect off of the medical van window alludes alludes to a bokeh effect. Because they are sharing this moment. Phaya is touched by Tharn caring so much about him, and horny about Tharn manhandling him. Tharn is pissed at Phaya for putting himself in harms way and is showing how deeply he cares for Phaya with his "never say it's okay if you die in front of me again" statement.

gif by @smileytharn

During the fight in Episode 5 there are a ton of colors being tossed around in that warehouse. The lighting itself is yellow and green, that snake dude is radiating green magic, and when Tharn steps in front of Phaya to protect him and gets stabbed he throws out some yellow magic in return. Cool. Noted. BUT because I am talking primarily about the intimate moments and their visual cues, I want to get at one of my favorite touches in the entire show/one of my favorite touches in BL, which is when Tharn wipes the sweat from the top of Phaya's lip. Because again, we are here in reality, so while we do have some non-traditional/realistic lighting happening in the warehouse, it's not as obvious or all consuming as Tharn's dreams are. HOWEVER! There is a deep, rich, saturated red-orange light behind Phaya's head every time the camera cuts to his face when Tharn is in his arms. It's there right before Tharn brushes his thumb across Phaya's lip and it's there when the camera cuts back to Phaya after Tharn has completed his action. There is no bokeh effect, and no allusion to it because Phaya is not experiencing a romantic moment here. This is a shared intimate moment, sure. But Phaya is fucking terrified for Tharn's health and safety. It is only Tharn that is engaging in some level of intimate/romantic touch and thusly it is only colored lighting that we get on screen.

gif by @forcebook

When they go back to Tharn's apartment, and we enter Phaya's fantasy, it is rife with bokeh effects. We have bokeh effects coming out of the wazoo. Phaya loves Tharn, Phaya cares for Tharn deeply, Phaya's connection to Tharn goes back centuries, through multiple reincarnations, and Phaya thought for a moment he was about to watch Tharn die. Phaya thought for a moment Tharn was going to die thinking that Phaya was pissed at him, with their last moment being Phaya punching Tharn in the face so hard he bled. And so Phaya really wants to be close to Tharn. He was to be comforted by Tharn. He was to be treated gently by Tharn, and he wants to reciprocate that gentle care for Tharn as well. In Phaya's fantasy he asks Tharn to blow on his wounds, and then asks to do the same for Tharn. Now, if you will allow me a brief tangent- from a script standpoint this make out fake out is incredible because Phaya knows Tharn so well that even in his fantasy he correctly identifies almost verbatim what some of Tharn's responses will be. Sure, he doesn't anticipate the "what if saliva gets in the wound and you get an infection?" but he does absolutely nail the "you don't need to look at my wound, the doctor took care of it" response. Tangent over. ANYWAY, Phaya indulges in this fantasy and the screen is absolutely drowning in bokeh effect because this moment belongs entirely to Phaya who has had an incredibly emotional day, and is therefore experiencing extremely large/deep/big emotions here too.

Where am I going with this? Well. Earlier today I was scrolling on tumblr (because I am physically incapable of leaving tumblr for more than 10 minutes at a time) and I saw that @negrowhat had reblogged some screenshots of an intimate scene from the official trailer for The Sign and I saw this:

Now. We don't know when this moment comes, we can't confidently say that it is real (though Episode 7 apparently promises no tricks this time). But I think it is real for one reason in particular:

Both Tharn and Phaya's visual cues are present at the same moment.

Up through now we have not actually seen that occur. We maybe had some level of allusion to a bokeh effect at the same time as some interesting color choices, but we haven't actually had a bokeh effect and a bright color at the same time. And even if we do want to count those allusions, this idea still holds because those moments where we've had some modicum of both are shared moments of intimacy from both parties. SO anyway, I think that when Tharn and Phaya actually have sex together we are going to see both of their visual metaphors joining together (since they are…ya know…joining together).

Alright. Time for the big whammy. I don't know how eagles see, I know they see well and I highly doubt they see in bokeh effect, so I don't have much to say about Phaya's visual cues around intimacy from a garuda perspective, except to say that hsi fantasies are always in correct and proper color. Where I do think the choice gets interesting is with Tharn. Now Tharn is naga, which I guess aren't technically snakes, but I don't know what the eyesight rules of sea serpents are so I'm going to go based off actual serpents.

Snakes see in infrared.

What does this mean? It means their color perception is bright, saturated, and heat focused. If you ever look at an infrared camera, you can see that areas of higher heat are typically demarcated in the red, orange, yellow spectrum. I don't think pink is a traditional infrared color but there have been moments throughout the show where red lighting connects Phaya and Tharn (police lights, the lighting behind him in the kidnapping/murder warehouse). And infrared lighting is intense. So I for one think it is absolutely fucking brilliant on the part of the director/cinematographer/lighting designer/production team to make the choice that Tharn's emotions about Phaya are going to be tied to color. That the naga that is lying dormant in him comes out subconsciously, unconsciously whenever naga and garuda are close. And I especially love that the moments of deepest color are when Tharn is dreaming because a) dreams are already fucking wild and b) it is one of the few times Tharn is not dragging his feet, gritting his teeth, kicking and screaming, and desperately trying to hold on to the emotional and physical distance he feels like he needs to have from Phaya in order to make sure Phaya survives.

I look forward to seeing what they do with these effects as the show continues. This has been Killing Time While on an Airplane with Captain Hands, thank you for your time.

#the sign #the sign the series #phaya x tharn #tharn x phaya #phayatharn #tharnphaya #billybabe #idol factory #thai bl #wka long post

[wen-kexing-apologist]

ngl i am waiting for you to write about physical touch and HANDS in last twilight *insert manifestation circle.gif here*

Not gonna lie, as much as I have been enjoying Last Twilight, I haven't felt all that inspired to write about it, but it has been making me feel all warm and fuzzy now that people are reaching out and asking for my thoughts. Turns out people actually seem to enjoy my horrendously long posts!

Alright, I will talk about physical touch and hands in Last Twilight, but before I get too far in to it, I just want to say, I love the use of physical touch in shows, but I will dare to claim the use of physical touch seems particularly important, and especially complicated in Last Twilight, compared to most of the other shows I've written about. Why?

Because Day is blind, and Mhok is his caretaker, and if you are remotely aware of disability, the autonomy of disabled people, the privacy of disabled people, the survival of disabled people are often disrupted by abled bodied people. I saw a post somewhere, sorry I can't find it, where someone mentioned the rates of abuse of disabled people by their caretakers and how that might weigh in to Day's reaction to touching a shirtless Mhok in Episode 2.

So.

With Day's blindness, grief, and intentional isolation, as well as his family's anxiety, how much control has Day really had over his own life in the last year? As @bengiyo said in Episode 1, "Day's brashness in the interview when he asks Mhok if he's hot sounds like a gay man knowing that he is about to be touched a lot by a stranger" [not a direct quote, apologies].

Episode 1

gif from @dragonsareawesome123

The first physical touch we get between Day and Mhok is when Mhok touches Day's chin, making a comment that essentially boils down to Day having a punchable face. You can see how shocked Day is to feel Mhok's thumb on him. But the motion is quick, light, and slightly flirty (though maybe I'm reading a bit in to that last one since I know this is a BL). While Day seems taken aback, he doesn't seem uncomfortable with the touch at all, moreso, to me at least, he seems surprised that Mhok *isn't* shying away from touching Day after Day so loudly and blatantly declared his queerness and hit on Mhok.

photo from @thescrumptiousstuffs

The second physical touch we get is when Day leaves his car and winds up on the street with traffic whizzing past. Mhok pulls Day off the street when Day gets overwhelmed and Day goes crashing in to Mhok. I don't remember them staying pressed together for too long, but there is a moment where Mhok is embracing Day. Mhok's hands go to Day's hips while Day's hand rests on Mhok's chest near his collarbone. From my view, this is a decently intimate position for relative strangers, but they don't feel uncomfortable in it. Which is a great hint that Mhok and Day are going to become more to each other. Mhok does something here that I do think is important, which is to tell Day who is he, so Day knows he isn't being manhandled by a *complete* stranger. And though I suspect the biggest reason why Day ends up being driven home by Mhok is because Day wants to be away from Night, it cannot be denied that Day already has some modicum of trust in this random, crass man that burst in for an interview just the other day. Because, as we know, Mhok was really the only person who interacted with Day without falling victim to pity, inspiration porn, or infantilization.

The third physical touch I consider important is when Day's mother stops him from standing up. I've been reading @waitmyturtles PhD level thesis on Bad Buddy so filial piety and saving face is pretty present on my mind. I think it is important to acknowledge that Day does have some autonomy, but where he exercises it is very clear. He can leverage his blindness and his bad experiences with past caretakers to get what he wants out of his mother, and he can double, triple, quadruple the caretaker salary without consulting his mother. But when it comes to physical movement, he listens to his mother, but not to Night. Night tells him to stay in the car, and Day almost immediately leaves the car and goes in to the Society. Day gets out in the middle of traffic after a fight with Night, even after Night begs him to stay in the car. But that moment of challenge from Mhok where he tells Day to come get his ID himself, and Day starts to stand, everything stops dead in its tracks at the first light touch of his mother's hand on Day's chest. So, despite the moments of anger and rebellion we see from Day, he still listens to his mother.

gif from @dragonsareawesome123

And then Day moves to get his ID, and here is where I will mention a moment where there was not any touch. Which, probably could be an essay in and of itself, but I don't have the capacity at the moment, on this airplane, to comb through all the scenes and look for it. But here, this one feels important, because Day takes the ID from Mhok, but Mhok does not let go right away. Their fingers are so close, and in a lot of movies, the handing over of an item would usually involve some sort of moment where fingertips brush and a shockwave of electricity ripples through the future couple. But we don't get that here. The moment of connection, the moment that Day really knows he can trust Mhok, the moment Day decides he is going to hire Mhok has nothing to do with touch, and everything to do with sound. He hears Mhok read Chapter 21 of The Little Prince, a book that is desperately important to Day, and that is that. And I do think it is important that these little touches that we've had, and where we break from the romance tradition for touch are important. Because, I think it is totally fine for feelings to grow between Mhok and Day rather quickly, but I do not think it would have been wise to show Mhok having some sort of actual crush on Day from the beginning. If Mhok had some sort of romantic or sexually attractive feelings for Day before he started working there, that would, in my opinion, read as predatory in some sense. Especially looking ahead to Episode 2, when Mhok is shirtless in Day's room.

Because, the thing about physical touch in television is that a lot of different elements go in to selling it as romantic chemistry. One of the most important components is timing and close up. As a side note, I think timing is a huge factor in to why I did not enjoy Perth and Chimon together in Dangerous Romance (before I dropped it) because the camera just never lingered long enough on their faces or on their touches for me to believe they had feelings for each other. But, by Episode 3 of Last Twilight I can see the care and the chemistry between Mhok and Day. I can see the comfortability that Mhok and Day have from almost the very beginning of knowing each other, but I don't take much of their physical interactions to be sexually charged or romantic in Episode 1. Why would they be? These two don't know each other. By generally avoiding zooming in on just Day and Mhok's hands when they touch, by having Mhok grabbing Day's chin with his thumb quickly and lightly you aren't building to tension. Aof is merely demonstrating that physical touch between Day and Mhok is welcomed and Day is not going to be uncomfortable with having Mhok take care of him.

So we head in to Episode 2 with the understanding that there is some fundamental aspect of Mhok that Day is drawn to, and that Mhok and Day are going to get along.

Episode 2

Now, as much as I have loved the rapidly developing relationship between Mhok and Day, I do kind of wish we had had a full episode's worth of two angry, grieving people coming head to head. But, regardless, Aof handles the transition between casual touch and Something More with expert precision. Unsurprising, considering his oeuvre.

gif by @mooninaugust

So we get absolutely my favorite touch moment to date in Episode 2 with the absolutely terrible secret handshake between two blind people. I love how Mhok is witness to this moment of excitement and friendship between Day and Aon, and that we are too. Because it shows us where Mhok currently stands in Day's hierarchy of relationships. Mhok at the beginning of Episode 2 is still an acquaintance, some dude they hired because he cursed the family out and read The Little Prince during his interview process. The cut scene between Mhok saying Day might not want to see him, and Aon and Day hugging and doing their stupid loser handshake (I love them) shows Mhok and the audience that Day does have joy within him, and that Day is starting to build friendship and connection within his new (read: blind) community. We won't know until a little later in the episode how much Day has been cutting himself off from his old life, but for the time being Mhok knows his place in Day's life.

And Aon picks up on the fact that there is *something* even if it is not necessarily romantic there between Mhok and Day, again not by seeing anything physical between them because a) Mhok and Day did not touch in front of Aon and b) Aon would not have been able to see it anyway. But instead calls out the fact that Day has never talked about a single one of his caregivers before. We know now (and definitely should know already) that Mhok is different from other people Day has engaged with since he started going blind. We just haven't had time for their relationship to mature.

photo from @thatgirl4815

If I recall correctly, the first physical touch between Mhok and Day we get in Episode 2 is when Day accidentally touches Mhok's titty while searching for the eye drops. You can see Day recoil in shock a bit and he questions Mhok almost immediately as to why his shirt is off. Mhok is incredibly matter-of-fact in explaining that Day said he didn't like the smell of cigarettes, so he took his shirt off so as not to stink up Day's room (we can ignore the fact that he would still smell like cigs, but we ignore it For The Vine) and Day relaxes and makes some sort of annoyed comment. Again here, there is no romantic attraction in this rather intimate touch. I mean, this is Mhok's what? Second or third day? Mhok and Day barely know each other, Mhok is constantly fucking up the Whole Routine because he isn't communicating with Day about what Day's needs are, and here he is in his employer's room having his pec fondled. This is supposed to read as funny, and ultimately I think it does, but it doesn't read as romantic, and it definitely should not. What has Mhok done up to this point that would cause Day to have Genuine Romantic Feelings for him? Nothing.

photo from @moonchildridden

Again, the first hint that feelings may be approaching comes outside of the touch, with Mhok seeing how excited Day is to use those few precious seconds of better vision to watch his goldfish. And even moreso, it's not just the action that I think start the train rolling, but the conversation that Mhok has with Day where he asks if the goldfish is lonely. Mhok is able to con Day in to leaving his room by leveraging the health and safety of one of the few things Mhok has seen Day care about and connect with in the short time they've known each other. Day gets outside for the first time in god knows how long, to find that the jasmine is in bloom and to have a lovely conversation with Mhok about it. Mhok asks about Day's vision, how he sees, what he can see, and he tries to adapt to Day's necessary distance requirements. Day of course, has his head turned away and thus does not see Mhok coming in to Day's eyesight range, and bumps his nose against the top of Mhok's finger.

This little, accidental movement is one of my favorites of the episode, mostly because it opens up the conversation where Day asks what Mhok is doing and Mhok asks if Day wants to see his face. And this scene establishes exactly what I mean about timing as it relates to building sexual tension. Day ponders for a moment, the camera lingers on his face, the audience begins to feel like Day is caught off-guard, like maybe he does have some sort of crush on Mhok and he does want to see his face. Only for Day to break that tension right before it gets awkwardly long and tell Mhok he does not. This is closer to the shit that friends would pull. And thus we see that in a very quick period of time Mhok is becoming more important in Day's life as a waypoint. He is listening to Mhok, he has a slight bit of banter going with Mhok when they watch a movie, and even after Day fires Mhok (for the physical touches I will talk about next) Mhok's influence on Day's general day to day (haha) existence is clear in the fact that Day is sitting on the couch and trying to pick a movie entirely independently of anyone.

Things are starting to go smoothly, when Day's friends show up asking when he got back from America. Day panics at the unexpected arrival of friends who seem not to know about his condition, spills his popcorn, and falls to the floor, where he is desperately scrambling to get back on his feet and Get The Fuck Out. Mhok tries to help him up, but he's pretty quickly brushed off. This is the first time we see Day reject a touch from Mhok. Knowing what I know now about where we end up in Episode 3, I am realizing how important this entire scene (from Day tripping to Mhok getting fired) is for establishing a comparison point for change. Because the unwanted touch continues when Mhok breaks in to Day's room, also in a panic when Day is bathing.

gif by @btwinlines

We get such a juicy moment of Mhok and Day's trauma clashing with each other in a way that is unintentionally terrible all around. Day does not know about Mhok's backstory, Day does not know that by putting in his headphones and intentionally ignoring Mhok he is accidentally triggering Mhok regarding the death of his sister. Mhok knows that Day is upset, but only hears the room fall quiet, he does not know that Day is in the bathtub (read: naked) when he comes barging in. Again, to reference the post whoever it was made that talked about the rates of abuse/assault of disabled people by caregivers, this is a horrifically vunerable position that Day finds himself in. Mhok is far enough away from Day's range of vision for Day to see him immediately duck behind a wall to give Day privacy while he wraps himself in a towel. And before Day can really process what is happening, with both his emotions and Mhok's running high, Mhok is grabbing at Day's wrists to check them for cuts. A beautiful (and terrible) detail.

Personally, I do not think anyone's reaction to that situation is wrong, but it does give Day a second round of extremely uncomfortable and unwelcome touching from Mhok, when he's already escalated, and trying to process the fact that Mhok just barged in to his room while Day was naked and got a little peek. Here Day demonstrates that he does have autonomy, and that Mhok respects that autonomy with Day firing Mhok after two particularly awful physical interactions, and with Mhok not even saying a word in protest and just accepting his termination and leaving the house.

photo from @thescrumptiousstuffs

Now. Mhok isn't completely going out fighting, and Mhok I think has really started to realize that he cares for Day (even if he doesn't necessarily have feelings at this point) because of how badly he was triggered by Day falling silent. Mhok is a thoughtful person and respects Day's boundaries by sending Porjai to the house instead of going himself. Much to Day's chagrin, because the second the doorbell rings, you can see this hopeful look that maybe Mhok is going to walk through that door. Porjai hands Day the present Mhok bought him, and Mhok does hold the slippers close, but he relies heavily on his hands to feel the slippers to figure out what they are and what they look like. He knows immediately that Mhok has been paying attention and trying to get to know Day immediately because the slippers solve the problem Day has had with hitting his feet on furniture corners, and the slippers look like goldfish, one of the few things Day has seemed to care about since knowing Mhok.

Beyond the fact that I think Day already felt bad about what happened the other day and regrets firing Mhok, this really does demonstrate to Day that people still care about him, want to get to know him, and understand that adaptation is a constant in Day's new reality. But Mhok takes it further, by committing to the motherfucking bit to understand Day better.

Aside: I fucking *love* Aof for how often his stories focus on the overlooked or disenfranchised people, and I think that while it is going to be a feat for Last Twilight to become my favorite Aof piece considering how important Moonlight Chicken is to me, the backstories of Mhok and Day and the way they inform character decisions is perhaps my favorite of all of the shows I've seen of Aof's. I *love* the conversation that Mhok and Aon have where Aon says Day is scared of being looked at and judged by people, and how Mhok is like "why?" because he has spent the last year a visible criminal, trying to get a job, and being constantly rejected for exactly the reason he thinks. Mhok has spent so much time and energy over the last year trying to reintegrate himself in to society, while Day has spent so much time and energy over the last year trying to remove himself from society as completely as he can. Even if I am not sure that he believes it wholly, I do think Mhok understands that he isn't an inherently bad person because he was locked up, but that he is a victim of circumstance, and yet even reformed from his truancy past, Mhok found it impossible to get a job because people stopped caring about him as a person the second they saw his ankle monitor. Thus, Mhok knows exactly what it is like to be written off, to be abandoned, to be forgotten and I think it is for precisely those reasons that Mhok decides to spend the time and effort to understand the world that Day is living in.

The ankle monitor has served as an embarrassment for Mhok in such a way that I truly do not think Mhok is concerned about seeming like a complete and utter fool. And even so, he starts to understand the fear that Day is living with existing as a blind person in public, because Mhok is extremely used to seeing what people think of him without them having to say anything, and now he has no idea.

gif by @btwinlines

Which I think is a good segue in to the next physical touch we get, which is Day feeling Mhok's face in the marketplace after he asks Porjai to take him there. Again, the distance of the camera, the timing of the movement does not come off as romantic, at least to me. But it does come off as comfortable. I think Day is fucking with Mhok a little bit when he touches his face, and we don't actually acknowledge or get any conversation around the way Day has just demonstrated what it feels like to be touched without warning.

And YET AGAIN Aof has their bond strength not through touch, but through conversation. Because they aren't falling for each other yet, they are still learning about one another. And so they have a conversation where Mhok apologies and Mhok explains what he was trying to do and Mhok identifies what it is that makes Day so afraid of being in public. And we end Episode 2 with Mhok being re-hired as Day's caregiver. But wait!

Remember the last touch we get in Episode 1 is not a touch at all, it's Day taking his ID back from Mhok. Well, the last touch we get in Episode 2 is not a touch at all, it's Day throwing his hands to the sky on the back of Mhok's motorcycle and letting the wind hit his face. It's Day sitting on the complete opposite side of a glass tank, and using his moment of improved vision to catch a glimpse of Mhok. They aren't touching, yet we end the episode with the understanding that Day and Mhok have strengthened their relationship and are on the fast road to friendship. Personally, I feel like it is extremely responsible of Aof to not treat touching a blind person or having a blind person touch you as inherently romantic, and to have the more stomach swoopy moments come from actions and observations entirely devoid of touch. But, I'm not blind so I don't know how much something like that might actually matter to blind people who are engaging with this story.

Episode 3

IT IS TIME FOR FEELINGS!

There are so many physical touches in this episode. The first we get is Mhok unwrapping a bandage on Day's foot, with Day looking extremely at peace with the action. The second we get is Mhok kind of poking at Day and then jokingly moving to pick Day up when he refuses to start cleaning his room. Day doesn't seem like a person generally fond of man-handling, but you can tell very easily that Mhok is just fucking with Day because Day fucked with Mhok. We are witnessing friendship! Which persists throughout the entire episode. 

photo by @athousandbyeol

I like too that Mhok using the blindfold to better understand Day is not a one and done situation. Again there are a few friendly touch moments that do not at all read as romantic.Mhok steals Day’s sunglasses and is perfectly at peace with Day feeling up his face to try to see if the sunglasses Mhok is wearing are his; and when Mhok's hand envelopes Day's when they are trying to guess the shirts in Day's closet by feel alone. Day does not tense up, he doesn't suck in a breath, he doesn't really let that touch linger. He shakes it off quickly and is like "that's my hand". And again, as an aside (I hope this does not come across inappropriately but) I kinda like that Mhok is almost gamifying Day's blindness. What I mean by that is that Day and Mhok are engaging in friendly competition to see who can accurately guess the article of clothing. It seems like a great way to bring some joy and levity to helping Day get better at understanding his surroundings without the use of his vision.

I am an absolute sucker for couples in shows that have an established friendship beforehand. I don't mean friends to lovers necessarily, but too often in BLs I have noticed that romantic interests are only ever that and we don't get a lot of moments of stupidity, tomfoolery, and fun. So you better believe I was living my best life in the next physical touch scene when Day and Mhok are fighting with the dinosaur costumes on. And this is where the physical touches start to change, because we start without physical touch and end with it, where we have up until this point been ending every moment of connection and relationship progression ending without touch. 

gif by @raypakorn

For the dinosaur fight, we get the non-romantic, entirely platonic assistive touch of Mhok helping (poorly) to guide Day to the driveway (this fucker was so ready to wrestle he forgot to tell Day to mind the stairs at first lmfao). The actual point of connection starts with Mhok intentionally trying to dive out of the way of Day’s touch. And once again Mhok Day’s blindness to elevate a game between them, by clapping and then diving out of the way to try to avoid Day’s movements. But that avoidance of physical interaction very quickly devolves in to a wrestling embrace, laughing, having fun, and then settling on the ground to chat until Day hears his mother’s car and they run back inside to hide the evidence of childish glee. 

Day’s mother returns to find a very different Day from who she left, he’s out of his room, he’s eating in the dining room, he’s seeming much more confident in his ability to navigate around the house. And of course, she has to go and ruin the moment by pushing too quickly on a nerve about going back to school. Day wants to withdraw from school and he needs to go in person. 

Now. 

We have seen Day taking massive strides in his own healing process in the last few episodes because he is starting to ask for help when he needs it, and Mhok is getting better at caretaking because he is started to ask if Day wants help for certain tasks or if Day is going to do them himself, thus allowing Day to set his limitations. Knowing that Day is going in to school, he asks Mhok to help him fix up his hair, and we get the first of many more crush-level physical touches in the show. 

gif by @jimmysea

I’m not Thai, so forgive me if this is wrong, but I am pretty sure that in Thai culture the head is considered sacred and having people touch your head carries a significance that I do not think Western audiences really understand (speaking as a Western viewer). If this is indeed true, then the scene where Mhok is fixing Day’s hair gets even more intense, even when there is a clear change in Mhok’s view of Day from friendly to starting to see something more. Mhok even makes a comment about how Day is a stunner (or something) when his hair is done, and when Mhok asks Day if he likes it and Day returns the question, there is a pause that is not at all dissimilar to the pause Day had after Mhok asked him if Day wanted to know what Mhok looked like. 

But where the tension from Episode 2 when Mhok asks the question is broken in a way that makes it seem more like Day is just teasing, I don’t think Mhok’s deflection of “it’s alright” really returns the same level of dismissal. Because Mhok is starting to realize something about the way he is feeling for Day. 

We get the inside of the Thai subway for the first time in maybe ever? As Mhok and Day make their way to Day’s college. And thus the not-a-date-kind-of-a-date adventure begins. Day is clinging on to Mhok’s arm as they navigate on to the subway car, at which point Mhok breaks off from Day to try to ask for a seat for Day. But Day grabs him and pulls him back, choosing instead of hold on to Mhok’s arm. Like I have been saying, Aof has been doing a really great job at differentiating the types of touches, and up until this point, the more intimate touches between Mhok and Day, such as when Day feels Mhok’s titty in his bedroom or Mhok’s face at the market, don’t read as romantic, because Day is taking in information to supplement his vision. Similarly, the moments where Day is holding on to Mhok for assistance in environmental navigation, such as when Mhok helps guide Day to his professor’s office or helps him down the stairs the physical touch is matter-of-fact on both ends. 

photo by @athousandbyeol

But here, in the subway, we get the first instance of physical touch from an environmental navigation standpoint that reads more like a man who is developing a crush rather than Day just being guided…

…but that comes from Day, not from Mhok. Which I appreciate massively from the standpoint of ensuring that Mhok as the caretaker does not appear to be taking advantage of Day. In the subway, Day could have sat down, he didn’t need to stay standing, he didn’t need to continue holding on to  Mhok. But he chooses to do that. He chooses to keep his arm linked tightly with Mhok’s, he chooses to get a little flirty with Mhok when he says as long as Mhok stays close to him, that’s all Day needs. And we get the close up of Mhok and Day’s hands when Mhok moves to tap Day’s hand gently, and the shot lingers. Because things are starting to change.

I said in a previous reblog last week when Episode 3 came out that Aof does this really interesting thing in his direction and cinematography when characters share intimate moments, in that he breaks from his standard visual format. The lighting often changes, the camera isn’t held as steady, the moments are zoomed in much closer than we are used to. We get it with Heart and Li Ming playing that spider game with their fingers the night that Li Ming sleeps over and we get it in the subway when Day stumbles slightly and swallows hard, embarrassed and avoiding eye contact while Mhok looks at Day kind of fondly. 

gif by @taeminie

So we see the spark in the subway and then watch that spark begin to catch when they end up in the dressing room together. Day and Mhok both establish that they have never been in a dressing room with another person to cut the tension and nerves a bit. Afterall, this is the first time that we’ve seen where Mhok is getting up close and personal with Day’s partially nude body, when they are both calm, collected, and not amidst a panic attack about a potential medical emergency. No one is feeling violated, no one is feeling scared, no one is having their privacy forcibly removed from them. But that makes them all that more aware of how they are feeling, physically, when they are touching and being touched. 

And we get a secondary Aof Camerawork Moment where the style of shot changes and we get that gorgeous zoom in on Mhok’s hands and Day’s chest when Mhok helps Day back in to his shirt. And isn’t it wonderful that the most sensual and intimate moment that we have seen from Mhok and Day so far is putting Day’s clothes back on? 

gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

Check out @btwinlines’ post about this scene.

Day and Mhok continue their day, find the Last Twilight book, and are hanging about the market where Mhok leaves Day standing against a pole while he runs to grab a drink. As a result, we get a bombardment of physical touch, the most overwhelming to date because Day is getting just absolutely shunted around, bumping elbows and shoulders with the people at the market with no idea of where he is or where he is going. And this is where we really get an understanding of how terrible physical touch can be when you don’t have any bearing of your surroundings and can’t see where people are coming from or anticipate contact. 

We got a scene in Episode 1 where we see how dangerous being blind has the potential to be, but Day isn’t being touched by anybody at that point until he is pulled off the street by Mhok. But this time while Day does have a moment where he is in more physical danger because he stumbles on to the street, he is relatively much more safe getting lost in the marketplace than when he ran out on to the street in Episode 1, cause the few cars that are present are moving slow and know to be looking out for pedestrians. Day is grabbed and directed by random strangers who are trying to help him and kind of just…drag him along until he is out of the street when he is visibly panicking and then just…left on the side of the road with an offhanded statement from strangers that he is “safe now” and they just…leave him alone and continue on their way. Even there, with a helpful touch, there is no safety or comfortability in Day’s posture, he is not calmed by hearing that he is safe. Which serves as a really great comparison point for how comfortable Day has pretty much always been with Mhok (minus the one moment of severe dysregulation after being surprised by his friends and then by Mhok when Day was buck ass naked). 

Especially when compared to the relief that just rushes through Day’s body when he and Mhok are reunited and they embrace. 

AND LIKE OKAY, CAN I GO ON A BRIEF TANGENT TO TALK ABOUT THE PINK SHIRT? 

gif by @tomystars

You know how in a lot of romances you get that moment where you get the like, love at first sight thing? Time slows down, one half of the romantic pair picks the other half of the romantic pair out of the crowd? WE GET THAT HERE, WITH THE BLIND CHARACTER BEING THE ONE WHO PICKS THE FUTURE LOVE INTEREST OUT OF THE CROWD. 

The pink shirt is brilliant, and I love how it both acts as an anchor point for Day who is able to calm down upon seeing it, and not panic or freak out when being grabbed and embraced by Mhok after having a decently traumatic experience with physical touch just minutes before while also reaffirming that Mhok is learning and internalizing the adaptations he needs to incorporate in to his own life to make Day’s daily life easier and more accessible. Mhok understands how Day’s vision functions, he remembers that Day has said he could see that shirt from Mars it’s so bright, and he provides an in for Day to maintain his autonomy by making it possible for Day to potentially see Mhok before Mhok sees Day. 

ANYWAY

@athousandbyeol

The embrace they share when Day and Mhok are reunited is not charged, is not romantic, at least not to me. But what it does show is how much care Day and Mhok have for each other, how quickly their friendship is developing, and the safe spaces these two will find in the other. Day calms so quickly the second he and Mhok are touching, as soon as he has an anchor. And he won’t let go of Mhok either. 

Aof and co have been playing well with dichotomies, here, a situation that pulls Day and Mhok physically apart ends up bringing them emotionally closer together. It is clear that Day does not blame Mhok for what happened, even if Mhok was gone much longer than anticipated, and that is affirmed by Day defending Mhok to his mother when she questions Mhok’s caretaking skills and holds his criminal record over his head. 

And, let’s not forget, this is just writing about the physical touch, this post does not discuss whether or not the lack of touch is important. I wrote a decent chunk of this in the airport without wifi, so I could only talk about physical touch from memory, I didn't rewatch anything like I normally do, so apologies if I missed stuff.

#last twilight #last twilight the series #last twilight meta #last twilight analysis #jimmysea #mhokday #mhok x day #morkday #mork x day #physical touch in last twilight #sorry for the delay anon I know you sent this ask the other day #but fun fact it does take me an ungodly number of hours to write things so I hope you did not feel ignored #wka long post

[wen-kexing-apologist]

LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX!!!!!!

HELLO AND WELCOME TO

ANALYSIS ESSAY NUMBER 69!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes. Yes I have, in fact, written 69 ridiculously long pieces (and some surprisingly short) pieces on my silly little gay shows. This is, obviously, not the first time that I have done a scene breakdown, and it’s certainly not the first time I’ve done a sex scene breakdown, BUT I have been itching to write about this one since I watched I Feel You Linger in the Air Episode 8. There was no way in hell I was going to let essay #69 go unrelated to sex, so I had to wait until another essay (thank you Hypocrisy) could be written and posted. 

In a feat of truly perfect timing, @waitmyturtles sent me an ask about what other physicality (besides hands) I look at to try to understand a character’s psyche, I gave her my wayyyy to long explanation of what it is I look for, and not even 24 hours later the most perfect example of expertly executed physicality graced my screen with the opening scene of I Feel You Linger in the Air. So, I am dedicating this post to Turtles...

and I'm writing a sex scene break down!

We open with Yai and Jom rushing in to the scene, Jom being pulled by Yai. Which, I mean any forearm, wrist, or hand holding that Yai and Jom are doing is not technically visible to us (it’s happening just off screen) but we know Jom is being pulled at first because of how Bright and Nonkul are moving, Yai enters the room first and Jom is practically tripping to catch up with his motion, but beyond that we know Jom’s being dragged by Yai because of the way Bright and Nonkul’s upper arms are pressed together. We’re off to a great start in Bright and Nonkul’s performance already because of how glued Yai and Jom seem to be. With just the way they are holding their bodies the tension is already palpable, but the magnetism between the two of them is heightened by the fact that the actors are ensuring Yai and Jom don’t break eye contact. Because of this, even though as the motion continues, and they turn to face each other having now placed physical distance between them, you can tell they are still drawn in. You aren’t losing any ounce of desire when they are parted. 

The way Bright stands, the way Bright has set his face, angled his head, etc. makes Yai seem like he is looking at Jom as if hypnotized, transfixed, enamored. Both of them are just staring at each other, and Jom’s hand slowly slides up Yai’s arm and Yai takes that movement as a sign to come in close, and while Yai was initially shy about (presumably) getting aroused during the olive oil scene in Episode 7, he is horny and ready to fuck now at the beginning of Episode 8 and so he just fucking goes for it. 

You know when Yai is about to lean in for the kiss, because in a fraction of a second he breaks eye contact with Jom to look down towards his lips. But before Yai performs any additional progression towards kissing, Bright plays out the brief moment where Yai is gathering his courage. How do I know Yai is taking a second to psyche himself up? Because Yai pauses, he closes his mouth a little tighter, looks down at Jom’s lips, and he swallows hard. That’s him psyching himself up to just dive right in and go for the kiss. And he doesn’t have to hesitate long, and he doesn’t have to be chaste with this kiss cause Jom and Yai got over the initial tension point when they made out at the end of Episode 7. Without saying a word, we know Jom is In To This Kiss, because he immediately fixes his lips around Yai’s upper lip. Jom meanwhile is standing almost ramrod stiff and straight like he usually does

@shortpplfedup says when she’s looking at kisses, she’s looking for sticky kisses. My own interpretation of sticky kisses includes moments like in The Eclipse where there is a little line of spit that keeps the kiss lingering for just a second more. In this case, what I would personally consider a sticky kiss is a result of Yai pulling at Jom’s lower lip when Jom pulls his head back slightly for some air and to change the angle of his head. There is no space between them, in fact Yai so thoroughly wants to fuck Jom, that Jom is almost tipping over with how much Yai is trying to press them together. Yai’s hand is roaming, moving up and down Jom’s arm, while Jom is standing there, his hands are still, one wrapped around Yai’s arm, one resting at his neck. Jom is meeting all of Yai’s energy and excitement by standing firm. Because if he did not, it’s possible he’d topple over.

And as characters this makes sense. Jom has been in at least one relationship before, there is no way he hasn’t been sexually active in the past. Jom is the more experienced one in this relationship, and so he is going to have to be the support Yai leans on for his first sexual encounter, even if we don’t see that far in to their evening. 

gif by @alejunsu

And this works for Yai and Jom’s characterization as well. Jom was the one with more hesitations around beginning a relationship with Yai. Jom is much more tuned in to the potential consequences of being queer in this time period. And it’s not that Yai isn’t, it’s just that he’s much more caught up in his own little world, and his feelings for Jom that he isn’t as rigid about how he engages in intimacy. 

This kiss is tight, and solid, and you can hear the breathiness between them when they start the kiss. It’s believably impactful to them, as in the combination of eye contact, touch, posture, and even breath here makes me believe they are attracted to each other, and really fucking horny. And I swear I can almost feel Yai and Jom’s heart rates increase with how well Bright and Nonkul are selling this performance.

Yai is ready to fuck like, yesterday, but Jom doesn’t want him completely rushing in to the sex, and I can tell this because Jom pulls back, breaks off the kiss, and starts talking to Yai about the rain, about the party, these little reminders that they have places to be, and people to see, and they can’t afford to get caught. Bright’s face here, in the moments right after Jom pulls away are so intense. The way he furrows his brow ever so slightly. The way his eyes are see in to Jom, the parting of his lips. Bright is, to me, selling extremely well the fact that despite the fact they have once again separated, Yai is still in that kiss. And there is this beautiful little moment from Nonkul too where he breathes out like his mouth is on fire or he’s trying to catch his breath. Nonkul has Jom pat Yai’s arm once, because he’s trying to lighten the mood a little bit, to put more emotional space between them. Jom is the one stopping the kiss, Nonkul is the one that has to sell the idea that Jom is both slowing down the encounter, and also still worrying about being caught. 

And you know where Yai’s response is going to go “Forget it, Jom. Now there’s only two of us in the house“ because of the intensity by which Yai looks at Jom. He’s transfixed, and during this conversation with Jom, Yai’s eyes constantly slip downwards towards Jom’s lips, like…practically every second. Yai goes in to continue that kiss, with an intensity that I do not think he’s ready for when it comes to actually having sex for the first time. In part because this kid does not know what he is doing, and Jom does. And Jom hasn’t had sex for quite some time because he was in a monogamous relationship with a partner who was overseas. So he puts his hand up to Yai’s face, and presses in gently, making a little hmm sound as he does it. 

gif by @charlidos

Again, Nonkul keeps Jom stiff, his fingers are all straight, there is not even a whisper of a relaxed curve to them. Which tracks for Jom, because everything we have ever seen in the way Jom exists, in the way Jom moves, is very rigid. And it stops Yai immediately. Jom is looking straight at Yai, and Yai is looking straight at Jom’s lips. But this entire action feels familiar and comfortable because they have developed a trust in one another, and because Yai cares enough about Jom to stop and listen at the slightest indication. Yai pulls back and that’s where Nonkul helps assert that Jom is in fact on the same page, is interested and enthusiastic about having sex with Yai, and he’s just trying to shift the energy and speed of their encounter, because the second Yai stops, and Jom is about to offer up a suggestion, Nonkul turns Jom’s gaze directly to Yai’s lips and he lets them linger there for far too long, his fingers too continue to rest gently on Yai’s lips long after they are needed.

Jom doesn’t look Yai in the eyes again until he says “You’re soaking wet, Khun Yai. Why don’t you let me undress you, so you don’t catch cold?” Jom leans in closer when he says this, he whispers in a way that is intended to seduce Yai. And we see some more physical changes in the way Nonkul is carrying Jom. Jom’s eyes are alight and happy, there is this soft and extremely fond smile turning up the edges of his lips. And we see him relaxing slightly in to this moment because his fingers finally relax and curl up in their resting place on Yai’s shoulder. 

Nonkul has Jom slightly shifting his head so Jom is looking up at Yai more through the top of his eyelashes to be more alluring. He has this soft, fond smile on his face. And it is in the motions and movements like this one where I see what Nonkul was saying about this being the most femme he has ever had to perform (even though, I think we can all agree Jom isn’t really femme). Bright has Yai pick up that small smile too, and he shows that Yai is indeed very interested in Jom helping remove his clothes, because Bright ensures that Yai cannot stop looking at Jom’s lips. 

gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

You should watch this clip

And just like that Jom has changed the pace of the evening. With a little whisper, and with some very slow, intentional movements in the way he takes off Yai’s tux jacket. And because Yai and Jom have had so much physical space between them for the past thirty seconds, it is time to re-establish Yai and Jom’s needs for physical closeness. Bright and Nonkul establish a sense of familiarity and comfortability in how Yai and Jom interact with each other’s bodies. Nonkul does so in the way he has Jom pull Yai close to him to take off his bowtie. It is almost as if they are hugging one another, and in part they are, or at least they are providing each other a little space to rest. 

And we know their arousal, their desire to fuck isn’t stalled or stunted by any interruption. Jom pumps the brakes a bit, but their desire, their attraction, is palpable. And that vibe is assisted by Bright having Yai lean in deeper, by having Yai turn his head and move slowly toward Jom’s neck as if drawn by string or magnet while Jom is fiddling with his bowtie. And within the span of a few seconds, Yai goes from drinking in Jom’s scent to pressing a soft kiss or two to his neck. And Jom’s enjoyment of that action is shown in the way Nonkul has Jom close his eyes briefly in pleasure, and his head jerks a bit to the side as if allowing Yai better access to his neck while he’s fiddling with the clasp of Yai’s bowtie. 

gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

The seduction continues as Nonkul and Bright ensure their characters do not break eye contact one the bowtie comes off. I don’t even really know how they are doing it, but there is such a clear internal monologue of impure thoughts cycling through both their heads as Jom starts unbuttoning the collar of Yai’s shirt, while Jom’s still staring, eyes shining brightly, directly at Yai. And Bright plays Yai’s impatience very well, because he lets Yai still wait calmly, while also showing Yai cannot bare to be this far apart (like…two inches) from Jom, so he rests a hand on Jom’s neck creating a moment of skin to skin contact, but he has to take Jom in so he only lets his hand stay for a second, before he’s moving it in lines around Jom’s body.

Here again, is why I pay so much attention to their hands. Because Yai has been the far more relaxed character, and so when he puts his hand on Jom’s neck, his fingers curve, when he traces lines down Jom’s torso, his hand is curled almost into a fist. And there is just this beautiful moment of observation to me, where Jom begins to remove Yai’s pants, and is focused on the task, and Yai is just watching Jom, watching him focus. It is only when the pants have been unbuttoned that Yai joins Jom in looking downwards. 

These characters cannot help but be drawn to each other, the tension between them is building and builidng and Bright and Nonkul show that by having Yai and Jom get, with Jom’s eyes closed, so close to one another they could have stolen a kiss. So close in fact that their torsos are touching, they are pressed up against each other while Jom works pulling Yai’s pants down. And even if they don’t bring their faces together, they don’t steal those kisses, they don’t break the tension, they are certainly breathing each other’s air. 

“Let me do the same for you,” Yai says and God these two are so good at making their need for each other palpable. As Yai begins to unbutton Jom’s shirt both Yai and Jom’s eyes are moving rapidly, up, down, up, down, lower, lowerrr, back together, glued to the other’s face. 

gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

Jom gives the shyest smile at having Yai care for him, concerned about Jom catching a fever, and being oh so careful with removing his shirt. And here we see Nonkul allow Jom to relinquish some control and let go of some tension in the evening, because Jom drops his hand from Yai’s chest and let’s Yai unbutton and pull off his shirt. A moment for Yai to stand on his own, rather than to have support from Jom like he has had during their kiss and during their foreplay as it were. Yai moves for Jom’s pants, removes them, and they are soaking each other in, reveling in the feeling of one another. But we can’t have Jom wait too long for physical contact, because we want these characters to touch each other, because these characters want to touch each other. So we get a beautiful moment of Jom’s hands coming to wrap around Yai’s wrist, once again relaxed, and we see the band Yai tied around Jom’s wrist in Episode 2, a tangible, visible, item that reminds us all of their connection. 

I think we joke a lot about “exploring each other’s bodies” as a line. But that is objectively what they are doing here, in this gorgeous gorgeous moment of hands, of fingers sliding all over each other. They are gentle, light, and I can easily get the sense through the screen that their skin is on fire wherever they’re bodies have met. And Bright adds a piece of characterization to Yai, by having Yai hold Jom’s hand the same way that he did when he was drunkenly reciting poetry with the biggest heart eyes the world has ever seen. And he is doing the thing that, in my opinion, makes or breaks the believability of attraction, care, or romance between characters, which is that Bright has Yai move his thumb, drawing these tight little lines on the top of Jom’s hand while they are holding hands. It is truly not much of an understatement at all to say that if two characters are holding hands, I will be looking to see what their hands are doing. Are they staying stationary, or are there these little absentminded movements that sell the idea that these characters are thinking about each other, and enjoying the feeling of one another, rather than just performing the action of holding hands. 

gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

In case we ever wanted to underestimate the importance of microexpressions and micromovements, we can’t, those are the things that really make or break a performance. (And for those who may have difficulty reading facial expressions, I get you, trust me, I’ve said it before but it can be really really hard for me to read microexpressions in actors, which is why I will often rewatch scenes, or watch other shows the actors or in, or like I did for this write up I slowed that shit down to half speed so I could watch for every movement, and rewound in 5 second intervals like 20 times to make sure I wasn’t missing anything.)

But they look like they are studying, committing to memory, Yai especially. Because while Nonkul has Jom spend most of this moment staring at one spot on Yai’s chest, Bright has Yai’s eyes follow the movement of his hands.Yai leans in and Nonkul has Jom swallow hard, and lean in slightly for a kiss. Bright has Yai keep moving, his lips locking on Jom’s shoulder, and moving up his neck, because the tension has almost reached its breaking point, and they both know what will happen the second their lips meet. So they delay, they let the tension build. They pull each other close, they hold each other tightly, you can see it in the way they move, the way their muscles tense. And as they face each other, with their desire finally starting to boil over, Yai works his way back to Jom’s lips slowly, he’s caught on to the pace Jom set. There is a light, soft, and quick kiss to Jom’s cheek, and then a second attempt by Yai to kiss Jom’s cheek or nose, that Nonkul interrupts by having Jom now be the impatient one, turning his head so Yai’s kiss slides to meet Jom’s upper lip. 

And then the tension finally breaks, the desire overwhelms them, and they are forceful with their kisses, and pulling each other close. Nonkul is showing how in to this Jom is in the way he lets Jom melt in to this kiss. How he has Jom pull himself so fully in to Yai’s arms, so they are chest to chest without any room between them. 

gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

And Jom is kind of a tense and awkward person in general, so it makes so much sense to me, as a character that Jom’s fingers would at this point stay stiff and straight, because we are still progressing in to a part of the evening Yai may need more support in. Jom is certainly far more relaxed as a person when he’s with Yai, but I don’t think he would be fully able to relax in to the sex. Hell, he can’t even relax in bed afterwards because he sees himself in the mirror. But just in the way Jom holds himself, in the way Jom smiles, in the way he pulls Yai in, we know that being around Yai is changing him. That he is generally more relaxed when they share space, that he is happier when Yai is near, and we know that Jom is very ready to fuck, he’s just also more aware of the potential consequences of getting caught. 

Yai leads them to bed, and if we hold Jom and Jom’s posture as acting almost as a support for Yai, then it is very critical and important in my eyes, that Yai uses the bedpost to steady himself as he lays Jom out on the bed. Yai is learning how to support himself. Jom lays underneath him, and as far as we know he’s keeping his hands firmly on the back of Yai’s neck. Grasping on to him like he doesn’t want to let go, while Yai traces random lines across Jom’s arms, torso, and neck. And when they pull away, we know that Jom is very in to everything that is going on, and that he’s starting to lose himself a bit in the feeling of this, because Nonkul has Jom wait a few seconds to open his eyes and look up at Yai after they break apart. Meanwhile, Bright maintains Yai’s absolute obsession with Jom, by having Yai staring directly at Jom while Jom’s eyes are still closed. Study him, observing his reactions, ensuring that Jom is feeling pleasure. And the sexual tension isn’t ruined by yet another physical separation, even as they are not actively kissing in that moment, their progression towards sex does not feel like it is coming to an end. And that has to do with the fact that Jom is still running his hand along Yai’s neck, lacing his fingers through Yai’s hair, with his fingers relaxed.  

gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

When they confess their love for one another, Nonkul has Jom swallow hard, hearing Yai tell him he loves him, fighting back a small smile. And Bright really commits to showing the intimacy that has developed between Jom and Yai in the way he has Yai press kisses to the inside of Jom’s palm, to his knuckles, up his arm, and back to his neck. And like I said above, Nonkul sells the effect of that electricity between Yai and Jom in these little micromovements, in the way Jom’s finger dig slightly in to Yai’s cheek, and the way his thumb twitches when Yai presses a kiss to his knuckles, and the way his fingers flex (a la Pride and Prejudice [2005] if you ask me). And he does the same as Yai kisses up his arm and to his neck, in the way Nonkul has Jom close his eyes, and press his lips together, and tilt his head slightly upwards.

And that’s it, that’s the entire nearly five minute scene. I promise I am trying to get better about my essay lengths, but I think the level of work that goes in to these moments are deserving of being discussed in detail. Nonkul in an interview said he views acting like a sport, and I think he’s fucking right. The level of knowledge and control you have over your body to sell scenes like this one, to make people believe in the romance, is super fucking hard. 

gif by @pharawee (using this gif as an example of a bunch of small movements Bright and Nonkul do that sell Yai and Jom's love for one another) I for one believe Jom and Yai love each other, want each other, are drawn to one another, and that is 100% because of Nonkul and Bright’s performances. And they have a really fucking hard job in part because Tee Bundit is not really a romance guy. Yai and Jom’s love for one another is the emotional backbone of this show, but the story isn’t focused on the romance itself, it’s focused on Jom’s experiences as a servant, on the struggles of being queer, on the mystery of how to get home, of past Jom being haunted by his present and present Jom being haunted by his past. There are so many moving pieces in this story, but we have to feel for these characters when they are inevitably separated. The way Nonkul and Bright play this scene, has thoroughly convinced me of the care they have for one another

#i feel you linger in the air #ifylita #ifyl #yai x jom #yaijom #bright x nonkul #nonkul chanon #bright rapheephong #dee hup house #tee bundit #ESSAY 69!!!!!! #wka long post #i feel you linger in the air analysis #ifylita analysis #i feel you linger in the air meta #ifylita meta

[wen-kexing-apologist]

Fight Night

ALRIGHT! Life is wilder and crazier than normal and I have finally had a singular moment to breathe so it is time to do my first scene breakdown of Only Friends. Jojo and co have been feeding me so well, a literal feast of good sex choreo, hand placements, and puppy dog eyes that it has been impossible for me to figure out where I want to start.  But the end of episode five was just so expertly executed I couldn’t not talk about it, the build up, the explosion, the cool down?! Zero people in this production came to play, they showed up on set day one, gave some of their best performances, and just went about their goddamn day. [insert thirty more minutes of showered praise here]. 

So let’s get in to it: 

The Calm Before the Storm

We’re going to start with Sand and Ray before shit goes downhill, at a moment of genuine connection. This is not the first time we have seen them connect. The first of their peaceful, friendlier interactions are paid for by Ray but Sand quickly moves towards free hang outs with Ray after he gets to know Ray a bit better. I think we can all agree that 95% of the time that Sand and Ray are spending with each other, Ray is asking to be serviced (either seeking out sex, or being fed, clothed, or protected by Sand) [and I do think it is pretty telling that Ray’s idea of friendship is being taken care of in every way, and that Sand fully calls that out as being the role of a father]. But the 5% they do have of these moments of getting to know each other, primarily center around their own family dynamics, but in Episode 5, Ray does start dipping his toes in to getting to know more about Sand’s own hopes and dreams.

Where before Ray wasn’t really interested in Sand’s backstory as much as Sand was interested in Ray’s, now on the balcony of Sand’s dingy apartment, Ray finally starts to ask Sand about himself. And Ray is locked in, just absolutely attentive to Sand as he is talking, rarely looking away, asking follow up questions, and making statements based off of what Sand is saying. Things seem to be flowing smoothly, Ray seems slightly sad that Sand doesn’t know his father, he has an actual smile on his face with he tells Sand that he thinks his mother is really cool, and that he respects her. And of course he would respect the relationship that Sand and his mother have, the obvious love they have for one another, because he never got that from his own family. 

Sand has asked about Ray’s family before now (they talked about Ray’s mother in Ep. 2) but when they were first starting to get to know eachother, Ray brushed off any further conversation around his mother’s death. But that willingness to be honest with Sand is beginning to shift. Ray sits there listening to a birth story that runs parallel to his own, a mother with an unexpected pregnancy after a hookup, a father that wasn’t really intending on having a child, and Ray is faced with what his life could have possibly looked like if his mother was a different person. 

And they’ve been hanging out all day, Ray has seen much more of Sand’s personal life, his family life, it’s Sand’s birthday, they are cross faded, and Sand asks Ray once again what happened to his mother, and Ray takes the opportunity to be honest. He watches Sand refill his glass, and he says “she drank herself to death”. 

Now, personally, this is a very important moment to me in terms of both understanding Ray better as a character, and getting Sand and Ray to connect to each other more. A really important thing to remember about substance use disorders is that they are aware of the health consequences of long term substance use. Ray knows his mother drank herself to death, Ray knows that alcohol in the quantities that he is consuming are dangerous, and he cannot stop drinking. Ray does not have any good coping mechanisms for when his life gets hard, (and we will see a much stronger example of that near the end of this scene), but in the build up to the blow out, we are taking some time to re-establish that Ray has a drinking problem. And we are gaining a bit of further insight in to the genetic history of Ray’s own mental health problems. 

I’d have to go back and rewatch all the episodes to be completely certain, but I think so far the only person we haven’t see call Ray a burden is Mew, Mew who knows that Ray tried to kill himself two years ago, Mew who remembers that Ray said if he was gone he wouldn’t be a burden anymore on his goodbye phone call. I mention his mostly because, if that is true, then that is an indication to me that Ray’s other friends don’t really know that much about him. They don’t know how deeply the idea that he is a burden to everyone around him is rooted in to his psyche. They probably don’t know anything about Ray’s relationship to his mother, after all, she died when he was still in high school. 

We know from the end of Episode 4, that Ray has shifted his interests from Mew to Sand. That is not to say that he is not still in love with Mew, or that he wouldn’t drop Sand as soon as possible if presented the opportunity to date Mew, at least from my perception. But what it does indicate to me, is that Ray is beginning to at least consider Sand someone that care about him, that will listen to him, that will be an emergency contact, and as such Ray is more willing to be upfront and honest about who he is as a person. How his mind works, what his place in his own family is, what his own connection to family is. 

Ray senses he is bringing the mood down, and makes a comment to change the subject, shutting down any potential deeper conversation or exposure to pity that he could have with Sand. We know Sand has been down bad for Ray since like…Dick Down 1, but he is really just embarrassingly obvious with his interest in Ray. The way his face goes slack jawed when he looks at Ray’s face for a second too long? Your cool guy persona is in the fucking gutter. ANYWAY, the point of this is that Sand and Ray are vibing, having a good time, connecting, Ray is opening up more, and Sand is falling deeper in to this infatuation at the first sign of Sad Boi Hours when we cut to Nick and Boston. 

Boston, who has had a genuinely peaceful day thus far. He got some work done for school, he and Nick clarified their relationship to one another, he made out in the pool, and he’s looking to reward Nick for changing by asking if he can stay over. We know that Boston has been blackmailed by someone, we know that as a result of that Boston has decided to “settle down” a bit as it were, spend more time with people who he can talk with afterwards. (If you ask me, this isn’t really what Boston wants, it’s just how he is trying to justify laying low with Nick, someone he thinks he has control over and someone I don’t think Boston suspects is capable of blackmail). 

It is Boston who suggests staying over (I am not going to dig too much further in to his choice to ask Nick, but I will just look respectfully towards the thought that he doesn’t want to be found). 

Anyway, Boston asks if he can stay over, and Nick smiles like he’s won something, and leads Boston inside, where they both promptly interrupt Sand and Ray. Boston’s face lights up when he sees Ray there, but not in any way that indicates that Boston is actually excited to see his friend. More so, that he has gotten +1 Information in his notes on Ray’s comings and goings. 

Boston sees Sand and Ray, and he is scheming already. The very first fact we learn about Boston in Only Friends is that he is The Hunter, and while we have primarily seen this in the way that he hunts-for-that-d, Boston is a hunter through and through, he doesn’t just aim and fire, he plays with his prey. He toys with Top and Nick’s emotions to try to manipulate them in to what he wants, and he sees Ray and Sand together here, and the douchebag gears begin to turn. 

But, Boston needs to know what these two are to each other first, so he can figure out his best approach to fucking with the two of them, so he asks:

“What’s with you and Sand?” 

“What? We’re just friends,” Ray says with a smile and a small laugh, like he is trying to brush off any attempt for Boston to think of Sand and him as anything more. Sand is of course, devastated (and it is at this point I would like to make a tangential remark about the brilliance of the cinematography in this entire scene because it frequently moves between blurry and clear, like the camera is having as difficult of a time focusing on any of the characters as the characters themselves are, since they are under the influence). 

Nick, having already interrupted the SandRay foreplay once today, tries to pull Boston along quickly, to give everyone in the apartment some motherfucking privacy, but no no, when it comes to every other person in the world besides himself, Boston does not do privacy. So he cockblocks himself and SandRay and suggests they all party instead. 

The Build Up

There is this moment of awkward tension, that Nick tries to break by saying that Boston is bothering Sand and Ray, but Sand, having just been reminded that Ray does not think of him as anything more than friends, agrees to all hang out together, thus shifting the mood between himself and Ray from sexual to casual. 

And Boston? 

Oh Boston has already won. 

Now, before I get further in to breaking down this episode, I just need to take a minute and just give a huge MASSIVE shout out to Neo motherfucking Trai. He has absolutely been destroying this role, he is clearly having such a good fucking time. But I don’t care about that part (I do but it’s not the relevant aspect here), I care about how much of Boston’s character, Boston’s internal monologue Neo reveals through Boston’s eyes. 

Boston has been watching how Ray and Sand interact with one another, he saw them make out, he saw Ray grab a cookie from Sand’s mouth with his own, and now, he is sitting here, with Nick pressed up against his chest watching Ray flirt with and cling to Sand. That boy has mischief in his eyes, that boy is a hunter and he smells fresh meat. Boston is The Drama, and while he’s in the middle of his own blackmail saga, he’s found new toys to pass the time until the dust settles. 

This is the face of a man who will cause problems on purpose. This is the face of a man who does not give two shits about upsetting the people in front of him. Boston is a miserable, manipulative piece of shit, and he will drag everyone down to his level. 

I am showering praise in Neo’s general direction, anyway, Boston is studying Ray and Sand’s interactions, the way they talk with one another, all the little things that point towards there being some genuine feelings. 

“The cookie’s getting to me”

“I told you to hold back”

“Well, it’s a good thing I’m not driving” 

“Can I stay over?”

“More often than this I’m going to start making you pay rent”

“Go ahead”

They aren’t talking like this is a one time thing, they aren’t talking like they are just fuck buddies. The way that Ray and Sand are slightly bickering/scolding each other, the way that Ray just so absentmindedly reaches to put his arm around Sand, it reads a very particular way. Especially when you add on the fact that Nick interrupted them in the kitchen that morning. 

Now, something happens here that could have been good. If Boston was a good person, if Boston actually cared about his friends, if Boston wasn’t such a fucking Masshole. Because Sand has been very obviously dopey and doe eyed for Ray for ages and the lines between lust and love have been blurring heavily for him. But when they started fucking, Ray and Sand both discussed and established the nature of their relationship. Only friends. No love, only sex. Friendship can come from sex. Sand wouldn’t take someone like Ray as his boyfriend (liar). But things have changed since their first hook up, at least for Sand. Sand is catching feelings and Sand has not talked with Ray about how his feelings are shifting. 

And Nick actually opens up the potential for Sand and Ray to have that conversation when he asks “Are you and Ray going out?” 

See, Nick is definitely nasty4nasty when it comes to his desire to be with Boston, and Nick is by no means whatsoever a pure person, the man bugged Boston’s car and kept the recording for fuck’s sake, but he is also not an asshole the way that Boston is an asshole. Nick isn’t asking Sand if he and Ray are going out because he wants to fuck with them, he’s asking because he is genuinely curious, because this ain’t the first time that he’s walked in on them.

But don’t pay attention to Mark Pakin’s body language here, because Nick is obviously drunk, relaxed, content, and curious. Look at Neo. Look at Boston. Look at the way Boston is looking at Nick when Nick asks if they are going out:

And look at the way Boston turns his gaze upon Sand and Ray the second Nick finishes asking the question. Boston is picking apart every action, every expression, every movement between Sand and Ray. Boston is calculating. This is not a dude that is just turning to look at the next speaker in a conversation. He’s staring deep into their souls to figure out how they actually feel about each other so he can decide if one or both of them cares enough about each other to be hurt by him.

So naturally, the next shot we get is Ray drunkenly cozying up to Sand, resting his head on Sand’s shoulder, in a way that feels very couple-y, in a way that feels different to the casual arm Boston throws over Nick like he’s got his prize on a leash. 

“You two talk all lovey-dovey like you are a thing, you know?”

Consider the fact that the second that Nick starts saying “you two talk all lovey-dovey, you know?” Ray peels himself off Sand’s shoulder and stares at Nick. And he’s smiling casually, like he finds the question funny, though he doesn’t fully break physical contact with Sand, still resting his arm across Sand’s shoulders. 

Sand is taken aback for a second, like he’s been caught, but he knows that he is not supposed to be falling for Ray. He knows he isn’t supposed to be wanting a relationship with Ray. He knows that this is not the time or space for a “what are we?” conversation, so he puts on a smile and squeezes Ray’s cheeks and says: 

“Look at his face. Look how squishy he looks. He looks just like a dog my mother has.” (Which we can interpret as Sand saying look at him, we cuddle cause he’s cute, I think of him like a pet). Associating Ray with his mother’s dog for me, feels like a way for Sand to try to get Boston off his back, to put his feelings in alignment with how Boston typically views his hook ups, as pets, as toys, as prey. But Sand’s face betrays him more than Boston’s ever could the very second that Ray says “I’m not a dog and I’m not his boyfriend” 

Sand has a moment of quiet devastation hearing that, even though he SHOULD KNOW BETTER. He should not be so upset about an objectively true statement. Sand may think of Ray as special, and may want to date Ray, and may want Ray to be his boyfriend, but they have never revisited their initial conversation about the nature of their relationship. As far as Ray knows, Sand would never take someone like him to be his boyfriend. Sand is just getting caught up in his feelings and this brief reprieve from the hard and labrous and exhausting life he leads is clouding his judgment.   

And Boston goes in for the kill 

“Ray, I bet Sand likes you. I can tell.”

And here is the question of the hour, a question I personally do not believe we have the full answer to, why the fuck is Boston targeting Sand? (beyond the fact he finds it fun). Boston and Sand clearly know each other, Boston knows Sand well enough to know that the weed he is smoking is not his typical supply. Boston came in to Sand’s home, smoked Sand’s weed, and then went straight for Sand’s throat. 

And Sand is a little mad and more than a little anxious. The way First plays the emotions in this moment is brilliant, you can see all these little moments of Sand feeling put on the spot, the way his mouth moves like he is trying (and failing) to maintain his composure. Like he is looking for an escape route, but can’t find one. Especially because Boston will not let him escape, explicitly calling Sand in to the conversation:

The Blow Up

“So what is it, Sand? Do you like him? My buddy here has both the looks and the dough. His type is hard to come by, you know?”

Sand tries to dodge, by putting on his logical person hat for the first time in what is most likely weeks. “Now that you said that” he starts with Ray literally moving his hand to brush it gently against Sand’s shoulders. “My answer has to be yes now, doesn’t it? But if you really want to know the answer, ask me again when I am sober” 

Sand is willing to let Boston win this, to concede here, to admit to liking Ray as if forced to agree expressly because Boston is poking at him about it. But he will not engage in an important conversation like the one Boston is setting up for him and Ray about what they are to each other when they are under the influence and when they are in public. 

Nick is like “alright”, but that is not enough for Boston. (SERIOUSLY LOOK AT NEO, LOOK AT HOW MUCH FUCKING DISATISFACTION IS BEHIND THOSE GODDAMN EYES! Jojo and Ninew fucking thank you for giving me Neo in this role, he’s been craving complex roles since his time on The Eclipse and I’m glad he’s getting to have some). 

Boston is watching, waiting, wanting to see how Ray reacts to Boston speaking for Sand. Unfortunately for everyone, but Boston especially, Ray does not have the reaction I think Boston is expecting. Instead of Ray getting uncomfortable, instead of Ray pushing himself away from Sand, instead of Ray doubling down on him and Sand not being boyfriends, instead of Ray reacting negatively to the idea that this “not his type” poor boy might actually like him he leans in close, he smiles wide, he teases Sand a little in a way that does not feel cruel. 

So Boston has to escalate. Boston has been stalking his prey in the grass for as long as he has been in this apartment, and now it is time to strike. 

“Even if you really do like Ray, I doubt it will work out between the two of you. Ray’s whole ass is owned by Mew” 

BOOM. Instant kill. Boston just made this entire encounter go from 0 to 100. Especially because (as far as we know), he has no goddamn idea about the dent in Ray’s relationship to Mew, and his realization about how Ray and Mew’s feelings are never going to align. 

Ray did not spend all that time sitting in the bathtub staring at a keychain and a Poor Boy shirt for nothing. Personally, I am uncertain where Ray stands with Sand, I think Ray is probably chasing the endorphins of a good and easy lay. I think he is drawn to Sand’s inherent need to act as a caretaker. But as I’ve said before, Ray uses Sand far more as a service provider than he does a person he wants to make genuine connections with, only recently has he started to open up more and seem more interested in Sand as a person.

But Boston is poking at an extremely sore spot. A spot I don’t think Boston considers as a nuclear option, because I don’t know that Boston is aware that Ray tried to kill himself. I don’t think Boston knows that Mew came and saved his life. I don’t think Boston is truly aware of just how deeply important to Ray Mew is because he seems to be one of the first people to make Ray feel less alone. 

Immediate anger. Boston has struck a nerve, gotten a bullseye. If he actually cared at all for his “friends” and their feelings he could have stopped there. Boston is a voyeur, a photographer, all he does all the time is watch, record, manipulate bodies. He can read people well, but he is cocky and overconfident about his own understanding of the situations that have occurred between people in his social circle. If Boston cared, he would see that Ray just turned on a dime, that the loose, casual, fuzzy, flirty person that was just wrapped around Sand has turned in to a tense, focused ball of rage. ““What the hell are you saying, Ton?” 

“What? Sand doesn’t know you’ve been in love with your best friend for years? But Mew is with Top now. Someone beat you to it, man.” 

So…my Dad has this habit of saying shitty things, and over the years we have made safewords with him to tell him when he is approaching saying something out of pocket and he should change the subject (“pothole”), and for when he has said something out of pocket and should probably stop talking immediately (“sinkhole”). My father consistently blows right through “sinkhole” and continues to dig his hole deeper. Boston reminds me of my father. 

Pothole: “Ray’s whole ass is owned by Mew” 

Pothole: “Mew is with Top now. Someone beat you to it, man”  

I honestly don’t feel like I need to use too much space here on Sand’s reaction, because I read a really good post by @bird-inacage about how this revelation hits Sand hard because he may feel stripped of his dignity and see himself as a fool. 

“What a shame for my pal” 

Shout out to Jojo and co for this shot of Nick. Nick who looks horrified. Nick, who I don’t think has seen this behavior of Boston’s up close. I mean, he knows that Boston has something on Ray and Mew, he didn’t really seem to care at that point. But Nick doesn’t really know Mew, Nick only cares about Top insofar as he is competition for Boston’s attention, he’s not really friends with Ray. But he is friends with Sand. And the implications from the beginning of the episode that Ray has stayed over and hung out with Sand all day multiple times, feels like Nick is at least starting to develop some modicum of care/friendship with Ray. And Nick is sitting there, watching Boston be cruel. Cruel to people that Nick actually cares about. Cruel to people that Nick doesn’t think deserve it, and the wheels are turning, so there isn’t much more he can do about it. 

“Oh wait. My bad. I remember you and Mew making out. Did you take his virginity?” (Sinkhole. Boston should probably shut his goddamn little whore mouth at this point)

“Ton, what the shit are you going on about?” Ray asks, shooting up from the ground and in to a standing position [and lord almighty is Khaotung just a powerhouse actor between the way he is able to physically embody Ray’s anger, and just look and act drunk all the time). This has turned in to a fight, Boston has riled Ray up, Boston has already punished both Ray and Sand at this point. But he has to make everyone around him as miserable as humanly possible in as little time as he can, so: 

“Oh? I saw everything. I took some photos, actually.” (SINKHOLE. No seriously dude you need to shut the fuck up right now). 

“What the hell did you do that for, bastard?” Ray is shifting his weight, Khaotung’s breathing has changed. You can fucking tell Ray’s heart is racing, that a blind rage is seeping in to his bones. Ray is livid.

“What? I just want to keep track of my best friends’ romantic moments. Was I wrong?”

 

(Spoiler alert to those reading this post for the body language breakdown: Boston does not actually give a single flying fuck if he is wrong)

“Keep track?” 

And finally someone punches Boston straight in the mouth! And even still! EVEN STILL Boston cannot shut the fuck up. Boston is righteous in the worst possible way. Boston is hurting everyone around him for the sake of “honesty”, “clarity”, “visibility” in a way that Boston himself in his own life actively avoids. With Nick he keeps their relationship status unclear, with Nick he refuses to get photographed, with Nick he hides the fact that he hooked up with Top. But Boston will air everyone else’s dirty laundry, Boston will record and photograph everyone else’s private moments, Boston will give facts as best as he knows them when literally anyone else is involved:

“Sand has every right to know. Ray is in love with Mew. They even screwed! But good thing you came along, Sand. He needs to get over Mew”  

“What does it have to do with you?” Ray is still fucking pissed, and this is a really important and relevant question to ask. Boston has no place in Ray and Mew’s private business. Boston has no right to record them without their permission. Boston has no right to have this conversation about Ray’s feelings with Sand. And Boston does not answer this question. He will not answer this question, because for Boston everyone else’s business is his, and his business is no one’s. 

Now, do I think Boston is lying about Ray and Mew having sex? No. I think there are actually a number of layers to that statement. I think we are either a) setting up to have a killer conversation about people’s perceptions of sex/people’s perceptions of what counts as sex or b) that Boston fully thinks he saw Ray and Mew do something sexual when they actually didn’t [think Ray throwing up while doubling over Mew so it looks like he’s giving head]. And it is worth noting that Ray doesn’t deny the statement, although this doesn’t necessarily mean anything because there are lots of words and fists and vitriol being thrown around at this point, confirming or denying any sexual relationship with Mew is not really going to do anything to calm this situation. 

“If you’re not in love with him anymore, then why did you get so mad?” Boston asks, and I love that this is phrased as a gotcha! moment. Boston thinks asking why someone got mad enough to punch him in the face after he said he was keeping track of his friends' romantic lives by holding on to pictures he had taken of them in secret is definitive proof that he is correct. Ray got real mad about Boston’s doucheness, and that must mean that Ray is love with Mew. 

And he isn’t totally wrong. We know that Ray is in love with Mew, we know part of why Ray is in love with Mew. We know that Sand is now filling a similar role in Ray’s life as the only person who is willing to take care of him. But this question for me highlights a huge aspect of Boston’s character that I do not think we appreciate enough. 

Boston does not know everything, and he acts like he does. 

Ray is getting so mad at Boston because what Boston is saying is true AND Ray is getting so mad at Boston because Ray almost compromised his relationship with Mew by kissing him when he was sleeping. Ray is in a weird place right now in relation to how he sees Mew and how Mew sees him. At the moment, Mew is patient, kind, and forgiving, and willing to maintain their friendship and accept Ray’s apology as long as Ray can get it through his head that Mew is never going to see him as a potential romantic partner. If Ray cannot do that, Ray loses a very important person in his life. (And we see Mew punch Ray in the promo for next week, my hunch is that Nick tells Ray about Boston and Top and Ray tries to warn Mew about Top and Mew takes that as Ray lying to break them up, but that’s beside the point). 

Boston may be correct that Ray is in love with Mew, but Boston has no idea what the fuck he is talking about when it comes to Ray’s current relationship to Mew. Boston does not know that Mew and Ray are in a rocky relationship right now because of Ray’s feelings. Boston thinks that he is right that Ray is in love with Mew because Ray gets so mad so quick, because he does not understand that a huge part of what is riling Ray up is that Boston is poking at a deep injury he thinks is just a flesh wound. 

And still after Boston has gotten a fist to his face, and swung back; even after he has shoved Nick out of the way so hard Nick fell on to the couch; even after they had blown off some steam and were de-escalating to the point of screaming at each other rather than beating eachother up. Boston 

Still 

Can 

NOT 

Quit

“Oh, are you going to be two-timing?”

Boston is literally just…going in to a house that is not his and lobbing grenades all over the place cause he’s fucking bored. Cause he sets Ray off again, leaving Sand, screaming at Boston and Ray to stop fighting (IN HIS OWN FUCKING HOUSE, AFTER SHARING HIS OWN FUCKING WEED). 

Boston listens to Sand, Boston walks away, Boston goes to Nick’s room. But the look in his eye? 

He is not done with this. Boston is not surprised that Ray got mad, Boston was reveling in Ray’s reaction, but I think Ray’s rage went beyond what Boston had anticipated, and this feels to me like an act of war. 

The Cool Down

Boston and Nick remove themselves from the scene and Ray and all his infinitely perfected coping skills rushes to chug as much alcohol as he can. 

Again, thank you to Jojo and co for spending this amount of time highlighting Ray’s addiction, reminding us that Ray is not just a party boy, but is an alcoholic. Ray’s using alcohol to calm his nerves, possibly to forget what happened, and definitely because he has no idea what else to do but run to the most comforting item he can. 

We cut to the silence of Sand’s bedroom. Sand and Ray laying awkwardly side by side. Ray, to his credit, does try to comfort Sand 

“Hey, don’t listen to what Boston said. If there’s something you want to know, ask me” 

The problem is, while Boston does not have the full context for the depth at which he has just hurt Ray, he is still right. Ray loves Mew, and if Ray didn’t, he would not have gotten mad the way he did. Ray can say whatever he wants here, Ray can ask to be trusted by Sand to tell him what he wants to know. But Sand has seen enough of Ray’s behavior, been jerked around enough by Boston, heard too many times in too short a period that Ray does not consider them anything more than friends, and so Sand is back to boundaries and barriers. 

Sand lost sight of himself, and he fell too quickly for a deeply broken boy that he cannot fix, and who is not emotionally available enough to be a good fit for him right now. 

And God, for as much as Sand exists to be jerked around by the narrative and shit on and used by the wealthier characters, I see why First was picked to play this role (besides the fact that there is no one else but Khao that I think could have done Ray, and it’s hard to kick the GMMTV pair-ups.) We have not even gotten to the height of First Crying Over Problems That Are Partially His Character’s Fault in this show yet, but First is a master at microexpressions, and despite the fact that his face is pretty neutral, that Sand has put on this mask, there is just such a palpable disappointment radiating off of Sand. The shine in his eyes is dulled, I saw someone on tumblr say this really looks like the first time that Sand has seen Ray, looked at him without the rose-colored glasses. 

Sand’s mother loves him, I think he is special to her, but it is hard to feel special to someone you have to take care of. In the montage at the beginning of the episode, Sand is shown working, working, working, working and we don’t really see him interacting with other people who he isn’t providing a service to. He sings at the bar, he seems to enjoy that, he seems to have a good time with Yo and Atom, but he is only that close to them because they pay him to play there. He is providing them a service. The only classmates he is shown interacting with are clients he is selling plum wine to. It’s really possible that Sand’s only friend is Nick, and we don’t see them hanging out that much. 

And, I know there is always some contention about how any and all of these characters feel, how much or how little they are telling the truth, etc. But for me personally, I think about when Ray said that he does care about Sand’s feelings, and I at the time he said it, I don’t think he did, but I think by Episode 5 he is starting to genuinely care. 

Ray is getting better at reading Sand, Ray is trying to have a serious conversation, or at least to open the floor to one, and Sand is sad and so he isn’t saying anything, and Ray is able to tell that something is wrong. Ray wants Sand to talk to him, Ray says Sand’s name multiple times, trying to get him to answer verbally. 

And Sand can’t do it, not if he is looking at Ray, not if he has to actually face the reality of how much of a fool he has been, to fall this deep, to fall this fast, to get it in his head that he and Ray were becoming something more than friends. To actually believe for even a second that someone could think he was special. 

So he closes his eyes, and he takes a deep breath, and he says: 

“Forget it. I’m tired. One more thing…This has nothing to do with me.” 

Who is he talking to here, Ray or himself? 

Sand’s inhale in this moment is deep, it’s weary, unsteady, and sad. Sand is gathering the strength to let go of what he thought he had. He is rebuilding his walls, and placing Ray on the other side of them. He cuts Ray out completely the second he turns his back. And you can just see the guilt all over Ray’s face, you can see all these little bursts of realization moment after moment where Ray realizes that he’s losing Sand now too. Even though Sand is likely more of a consolation prize to him, an easy victim of his puppy dog eyes. 

Alone o’clock is not just for Sand, it’s for Ray too. Boston has won yet again because Boston is a miserable sack of shit lashing out because Mew and Top finally fucked and he has to make it everyone’s problem

Tagging the ephemerality squad: @lurkingshan, @waitmyturtles, @chickenstrangers, @ranchthoughts, @twig-tea, @clara-maybe-ontheroad, @distant-screaming

and my blessed mess crew: @so-much-yet-to-learn, @ginnymoonbeam, @bengiyo, @shortpplfedup, @neuroticbookworm, @emotionallychargedtowel because I want attention :)

#only friends the series #only friends #ofts #sandray #bostonnick #firstkhao #neomark #first kanaphan #khaotung thanawat #neo trai #mark pakin #jojo tichakorn #ninew pinya #wka long post #only friends analysis #only friends meta #ofts meta