#yes vox is watching us get railed

[0bticeo]

oooh but to be pinned down against the panel control by alastor during that one scene in stayed gone. maybe you're one of his contracted souls. maybe you're one of the poor souls seeking redemption. maybe you're one of his friends, if the radio demon has such a thing. maybe you're playing spy for vox. doesn't matter - you're here during his showdown with vox.

his façade drops. you take a step back, until your hip hits the control panels. there's nowhere to run. not with him looming over you. his ever-present smile stretches impossibly wide, fangs bared, hot breath fanning your skin. saliva trickles down his gaping maw. your breath hitches when it hits the tender skin of your neck, lips parting in a silent gasp.

"i'm gonna make you wish that i'd stayed gone."

his body contorts and stretches, limbs elongating until he encases you, studies you - pupils like radio dials emerging from a pool of black. he's close. too close. oh, and he's pissed.

you've never seen something as terribly beautiful as him.

his claws dig in your chin, craning up your neck just short of humanely possible until you meet his stare. he sings, still, static digging into your very bones until it steals your breath away, until it's only you and the radio demon watching you like you're his last meal. oh, and he's snarling his verse, voice dripping with venom as he goes, as you drown into him.

there's a distorted chuckle in his voice, the richness of his laughter merging with that of his audience's.

"oh, this will be fun."

#hem #i'm sparing you the elaborate fantasy of him ruining us on that control panel #yes vox is watching us get railed #obticeo writes #so sorry there's no smut but im too tired #anyway #the japanese dub of stayed gone had me hot n bothered #alastor's va is practically growling his last lines aahahahahaha how am i supposed to focus #alastor x reader #alastor x y/n #alastor x you #hazbin hotel x y/n #hazbin hotel x you #hazbin hotel x reader #blurb.

[spiltscribbles]

Prompt: Pro Athlete Sirius because that my and Remus' kink

~Notes: OMFG VICTOrIA!!!! I FUCKING SCREECHED!!!! lkadfjlaksdgjoiaejfalskdgjioeugisfkldshg Yes tis my kink as well!!! And then I saw this from Nonny and worlds collided and BOOM! I hope you like this my love<3<3 You incredibly talented sugarplum!!! TBH I want to write a thousand more things in this AU XD

.-

FROM THIS LIST  |  Send Me A Prompt!💜 | A REBLOG MEANS THE GALAXY!!💜

.-

When Remus was young— surrounded by the light breeze of the Welsh coast and the harmony of birds chirping in the distance— he would follow his mother to their small garden behind their cottage  at the cusp of twilight as his father cooked their supper, and he’d watch as she laid flat all sorts of newspapers written in French and Arabic and English, watch as she brought her red pen against the ink and marked the articles with underlines and shorthand he wouldn’t understand for years still.

He asked her once, when he was barely eight years old, why she bothered to keep up with so many different publications, why she read the same story penned by countless perspectives when all the facts stayed the same at the end of the day. And he remembers how she had let out a quick, shrill of a laugh, tossing back her golden head while sucking in a puff from the bubbling hookah she had set up besides her— a habit she acquired from her Algerian, refugee parents, and one that became synonymous to those late nights in Remus’s eyes.

“Facts can be wielded to someone’s personal vendettas, Remus John,” she had crooned in that adoring way of hers whenever she spoke to him— honey eyes that were the same color and shape to Remus’s own flashing alight and their matching smiles going crooked in her stunningly beautiful face. 

“Oh.” Remus had replied, still confused as all get out but was perfectly fine with just holding his small vigil, watching her beneath moonlight and the soft glow of their outdoors lamps, as he listened to the shuffling of papers while she commenced this odd quirk. 

It’s a decade and a half later—  as his editor for the Phoenix, a small, but bustling online editorial that plans on dethroning the likes of Politico and Vox in only a matter of years, scans his latest findings on the corrupt boosters linked to MP Avery from Leeds— when Remus thinks he suddenly understands what his mother, with her keen eyes and pixelated air, had meant by facts in how they can be colored differently simply by the words surrounding them. And he wonders if one day soon, one of his bylines will join her little stack of stories, if she’ll be proud of him even if she says as much even now, when he’s a lost twenty-something stumbling through life in the capitol and barely making it as is, between his actual job and the gig he has at the coffee shop nearest his dingy flat he shares with three other blokes.

“Mmm, this is good, Lupin,” Dorcas declares after what feels like an eon, dropping her long, dark legs from where they were lounging leisurely on her desk and scuffs out her cigarette in a pretty, glass ashtray. “Send it over to Flores to look into deeper, maybe it’ll corroborate the info she’s already gotten from her sources.”

Remus feels himself bristle, hopes that it doesn’t show, that his face stays passive as he contends, “I think I should at least help her write the expose, I’m the one who got this bombshell.”

“That’s not how it works, sweets,” Dorcas toots, tossing back her dark head of curls as she rises, perching on the corner of her desk delicately and looking down, straight into his gaze. “I know it’s frustrating, but you’re fresh blood. barely six months here, but Alice has been with us for years. This is her baby, and we’re just here to nurture it.”

“So I’ll have to wait another ten months, at least,  to get the same treatment?” He argues in an admittedly petulant way, making Dorcas laugh endearingly, and Remus is suddenly,  searingly reminded of his age, and how he’s the youngest staffer that this London based news outlet has on hand. 

“C’mon, love, it won’t be that long for someone as sharp as you, just be patient, and don’t try to pull a Zoe Barnes on us, yeah? You’re far too pretty to clean up on the rails of  the tube.” Dorcas tousles a hand into his dark tawny curls, and Remus holds back the roll to his eyes that he feels willing up inside of him as he stands fully.

“Thanks Cas.”

She smiles beatifically, and throws him a wink. “You’re joining Emmy for the report tomorrow on those United footballers and their fundraiser for the hospital, yeah?”

“Bright and early,” Remus replies, still feels a bit miffed that he was chosen to write up the charity function, considering he doesn’t know a lick about football and doesn’t really get on with anyone who does. But Caradoc— their typical sports reporter— is out sick with the flew, so it’s on him. “I’ll have it on your desk early enough so it’ll be published by tea time.”

“Good man,” Dorcas says in thanks, picking up her crowing cellphone before waving him off.

Remus isn’t all that surprised when he strides out of the office only to find Benjy Fenwick sitting against the opposite wall, knees pressed to his chest and quickly scrambling up when he catches sight of Remus. Sometimes it’s impossible to believe that the bespectacled man in front of him is one of the top editors for the Phoenix, that he’s a regular corespondent for places like the BBC or CNN— that his rebukes against the piss poor inquiries waged during PMQs have become more anticipated than the sessions themselves. Remus tends to forget all of that when he sees him like this, messy haired and wearing a graphic T-shirt with some marvel superhero embossed on the front. “Wotcher Remus.”

“Hiya Remus says, smiling softly and rocking back on his heels. “You wanted to talk to the sergeant then?”

“Huh? Oh, no, no. I didn’t want to talk to Dorcas, I just— Erm, I know you were showing her that stuff you got from that intern, Pettigrew, and i know you were chafed about not getting any opportunity here so—“ He trails off, scratching the back of his head and studying a point over Remus’s shoulder, and it’s all too endearing, and Remus is so beyond thankful he’s made such a good friend here.

“No cigar,” he says in answer to the unspoken question, shrugging noncommittally even if he feels like shit over it.

Benjy nods, face contrite in a way that tells Remus he never thought it would’ve went otherwise. “I’m sorry, that’s bollocks.”

“’S whatever,” Remus shrugs off the apology, begins walking down the hall and straightening his report to hand over to Alice. 

“Ah,, erm. We can get a drink, yeah? In commiseration,” Benjy offers, and Remus stilts only for a beat before continuing the twisting trail to where Alice is set up with the more senior members on staff. And he feels only sorta bad about wanting to refuse. He knows that if he says yes, it’ll mean something different to Benjy than it does him, that he’ll probably take it as Remus finally giving into his pestering and deciding to actually go out with him, even if he’s refuted the other four times he’s asked as much. Remus’s simply just too busy trying to get a footing in this city, and trying to figure out where he’s suppose to go from here, and what he’s suppose to do. And yes, Benjy is cute— a complete Seth Cohen archetype. And he’s sweet and smart and funny enough. But Remus is really not in the mood for doing the whole flowers and wine and candle lit dinners shtick, had gotten enough of that while still with his university boyfriend. And yeah, he’s only just turned 24, but he already feels too old and too jaded for that sort of puppy love— even if Benjy’s got a good decade and some change on him.

Probably sensing his hesitation, Benjy is quick to rectify the offer. “I’ll ask Mary, and Fabian too, and a few others. We can make a night of it, just some drinks on a Friday after work.”

Stalling by the last turn to Alice’s desk, Remus looks at him from over his shoulder, and sort of hates himself for being such a soft hearted fuck sometimes. “Yeah Benj, sounds nice. Just let me know on the group chat, yeah?”

Benjy grins, much more genuine than his awkward quirk of the lips from earlier. “Yeah, good call, I’ll let the others know pronto.”

“Aces,” Remus says, tosses him a obligatory thumbs-up before finding an expectant looking Alice who’s tapping her foot impatiently.

Yeah, today is so bloody shit.

.-

Surprisingly, the round of drinks turns to another and then a third and fourth and Remus is currently nursing his fifth mango margarita on Benjy’s tab, and he actually feels lighter than he has since taking the job at Phoenix, feels bright and bubbling and like absolutely nothing could be wrong as long as he’s got this drink in his grasp and he’s sitting with the handful of reporters and photographers from the office that don’t all have sticks up their asses. It’s fun, it’s good. So obviously it couldn’t have lasted.

Mary is currently cackling about her Uber driver from last night who asked her all sorts of well meaning, but incredibly dense questions about her hijab— a freshly poured glass of coke in one hand, while the other is tangled into her girlfriend Emmy’s. And From his left Remus can hear Fabian ribbing Frank on his crush on Alice, while Benjy scoots intermittently closer as they watch Kingsley and Marlene sparring over something to do with a Kardashian or TikTok trend or whatever the fuck else— The guy has resilience, Remus has to give Benjy that.

“Right, who’s buying next?” Marlene asks, abrasive as ever while scrolling through her phone, ostensively finding something to prove her point against the managing editor.

“Reckon it’s my turn,” Benjy crows, standing up smoothly and glancing down at Remus with a nervous sort of half grin.

“Just a water for me, ta. I need to sober up,” Remus tells him, feels proud that he didn’t even slur slightly. Benjy bobs his head understandingly, and Remus turns to ask Marlene about her latest tinder hookup which always is a good laugh, but then he catches on it. On the sound of the pub’s doors flinging open, followed by a raucous crowd of athletic looking guys probably only a bit older than he is, clambering indoors. 

They’re all so very sixth-form, broad grins and slapping each other’s shoulders with jeers, topped off with loud, bark like laughter that makes it obvious to Remus that these wankers think that they’re some sort of group of gods amongst men, roaming around like everyone should fall to their feet and offer everything they have. It makes Remus roll his eyes so far back that it feels like he might’ve sprained them. They just give off this exhausting aura that reminds him of a past boyfriend in tenth year who was on the footie team and who’s favorite activity was either making Remus feel lucky enough to go out with someone so popular, or dragging him around like some sort of bloody trophy.

To put it nicely, Remus sorta hates them on sight. So when he sees one of the tossers— regrettably the brightest of the lot who’s all pearly teeth, and glittering eyes and incredibly impressive shoulders that tape off to a narrow waste in an objectively infuriating matter— swivels up to the barkeep and jostles Benjy on his way, well Remus doesn’t hesitate to dart forwards to tell him off.

“Oi, watch where you’re going, yeah?”

Benjy and the bloke who looks like he might moonlight as a model for Calvin briefs for when he’s not lounging in a yacht off the Tuscany coast, both turn to him at the same time. Benjy looking abashed, and the aforementioned tosser preening like the cat who’s just caught a canary.

“Sorry, love. Didn’t see you there,” he says in a delightfully deep tenner, giving Remus an appreciative once over, and Remus absolutely despises how the action makes him feel both thrilled and irritated. “Trust and believe, I wouldn’t have looked away if I saw you.”

“Not me, arse.” Remus spits back, refuses to pay any credence to how his cheeks have begun to flush. “You bumped into my mate right there, the one with the tray of loggers.”

The tosser darts his almost molten gray eyes over to Benjy for a sparing second before he laser focusses back onto Remus, the most phony expression of contrition all over his face. “Sorry to your friend,” he says the descriptor like a joke that no one else is in on. “Let me buy you a drink in sorry for the one I made slim here spill.”

Remus is officially unimpressed, hopes that his flat tone gets it across. “You’re an arse.”

“You’re mouthy,” he retorts, looks like it’s something he greatly appreciates— delights over even. 

“Ah, ’s fine Remus, really. I’ll just bring these back and get us a new glass.”

“Listen to slim, Remus, he’s got the right idea.” The tosser hurriedly interjects, strutting close enough to him that he makes it so Remus has to tip his head back just slightly so not to drop his gaze. “I’m Black, Sirius Black, just to get the pleasantries out of the way.” His leer tells Remus that the name should probably evoke some response of aw into Remus, but all it does is make him sound so egregiously pretentious that Remus wants to smack his own bloody head against a dry wall and stay in the hole until this ruddy Sirius bloke leaves him the hell alone.

“Good for you,” he says instead of all of that, and spots Sirius’s friends from behind Sirius chuckling and elbowing one another. Evidently this is a line the tosser uses frequently, and Remus is pleased that he might be one of the first who aren’t at all impressed by the grandiose way he introduced himself.

“Hah, you know I’m use to the pretty ones playing hard to get, but I’m really feeling here that you’re not exactly liking my company, love.”

Remus sucks in a frustrated breath through his nose, shouldering past Sirius and taking the tray of drinks from Benjy before storming back to their table where the others have begun openly gawping at the scene— Marlene outright squawking with Fabian just as Remus takes his seat.

“Don’t,” Remus warns them all as he silently says fuck off to the water and instead gargles down one of the loggers. And if he has to steadfastly not turn around for the rest of the night towards where he can feel Sirius’s gaze burning into his back— well then so be it.

.-

The next morning, Remus has to puke twice into the toilet, and gulps down three aspirins just to stave off his bloody hangover from the night before where he decided that getting properly sloshed would prove as a good technique to not end up making out with Sirius in some dark corner— or regrettably the backseat of his car. And if he does still remember flashes of ranting to him about how insufferable preppy, rich boys actually are while Sirius gazed at him endeared— well Remus just decides to purge it out along with the stomach acid. It’s not like he’ll ever see the douche again.

.-

He meets Arthur— one of the accountants who also helps out by taking photos for more low key news stories— outside the hospital where the conference will be taking place with the Manchester United team. There was a scrimmage that they all played with some of the kids in the cancer ward that occurred at around eight in the ruddy morning, but thankfully Remus didn’t have to show up until an hour later when the team presented their big shiny check, to the big, shiny hospital. 

However, Arthur has been here for hours, so he’s beyond chirpy and looks like he’s downed three cups of espresso as he chatters on about his son Percy starting secondary school, and his eldest, Bill, getting an award for his reading prowess, and all the strange craving his wife has been having throughout her pregnancy with the twins they’re expecting any week now. And Remus loves Arthur, he does— one of the sweetest folks he’s ever met— but God, his head is still thrumming from those misguided tequila shots and he really just wants to get his three quotes, and write up the story so he can find refuge back in his sheets.

While Arthur has moved to talking about his wife, Molly’s, plans to open up a daycare in their refurnished garage, Remus scans his eyes over the familiar face of reporters from other outlets who look just as bored as him, and then to the stage where a woman in a sharply pressed suit is ushering for the group of football stars to join her, so that the conference can finally fucking begin. 

And Remus thinks that their faces are sorta familiar, probably from all the publicity they get on the telly— but then he freezes as he stops at one of them with dark brown skin, and thick rimmed spectacles— and he suddenly can hear him chatting about his redheaded girlfriend and drunkenly declaring that she’ll be the mother of his children some day soon. So he completely expects it when his stomach drops as he moves his glance just a bit to the right, being struck by pearly teeth, and glittering eyes and incredibly impressive shoulders that tape off to a narrow waste, made all the more infuriating by the tight kit he’s got on and the blazing number twelve splayed against his chest.

And fuck.

Remus runs through about a dozen scenarios in which he can make a discrete, or not so discrete exit before he notices him, but in tandem to his spiraling thoughts, the wanker actually looks forwards, and like a creepy metal detector, his quick silver gaze pinpoints onto Remus.

They stare at one another for a beat before his smirk goes wolfish, and he runs a hand through his artfully tousled hair in a way that practically screams, fancy meeting you here. And holy fuck he looks so mouth watteringly attractive with that faint film of sweat running down his neck, and how his smile pulls slightly more to the left, and how he’s looking at Remus like he’s his birthday and Christmas presents all rolled into one.

Remus suddenly hates everything— but most of all hates Sirius, and how bloody fit he is.

“Oh, you’re a fan then?” 

Starting, Remus shifts around slightly so that he’s facing Arthur completely. “Pardon?”

“Sirius Black I mean, you’re a fan?” Arthur asks in that abrasively congenial and intensely scrutinizing way that he treats everything. “I mean he’s a great player, but I know you don’t really watch. So I bet it’s all that charity work he does, yeah?”

“Charity work?” Remus echos, feeling like a floundering fish.

“Truly some amazing stuff.” Arthur pontificates, rubbing a hand against his jaw as he tips his head back. “I mean obviously I’m partial to the fundraising for Reporters Without Borders, but of course the things he does with the more impoverished kids is great. And I know Molly likes his very outspoken posts about being anti war and his annual live streams to earn money for refugees in those war torn nations, like the last one he did for Syria?”

“Oh—“ Remus says, feeling like his head is being overrun by a fountain of new information.

“Yes well, you don’t usually see athletes get into the thick of it with political issues, but I reckon he never really minded. I mean the fact he’s the first football star from United to have come out without any fanfare really proved that. Oh, I think they’re starting, I should probably get some photos before Dorcas gives me a tongue lashing.”

And as quick as the flash of his camera’s lends, Arthur is using his considerable height to get to a more advantageous spot towards the front, and leaves Remus in the dust, as if he hasn’t just obliterated his every assumption of Sirius from after that initial meeting.

And unbidden, the words his mother had told him so many years ago, about facts and how they can color a situation just simply based off the person who’s speaking them— flood to the forefront of his mind.

“Fucking hell,” Remus mutters lowly, gets jostled by Greengrass, a hawkish reporter from a rivaling publication who always has on the most wickedly sharp acrylic nails, and perfectly quaffed curls— as she waves around her certification to speak her inquiry.

“My question is for Potter,” she announces when the woman leading the event, McGonagall, points her way. “And I was wondering how early you boys have to rise for training during the season? And how intense the sessions are that Coach Hooch puts you guys through?”

Potter, the one with the redheaded girlfriend that Remus heard so much about last night between his ranting at Sirius, parts his lips, but it’s not his voice that ends up reverberating through the outdoors space. Instead, it’s Sirius, who’s shouldering him with a goading air, obviously expecting his comment to have only ended up in Potter’s ear and not caught by the mike.

“I wonder if Lupin will let me wake up with’m so he can let me get some real training done before practices, eh?”

And just as soon as his words pitter off, the entire crowd drops to a hush— quiet enough so that they could probably hear it if a pen dropped. 

Sirius’s handsome face— strong jawline, and broad but sharp cheekbones, and a long, narrow nose— goes suddenly ashen, and he flashes over to Remus as if he’s terrified that he’ll bite his face off.

God, what an idiot.

With a long suffering sigh, Remus plucks out the microphone from a slack faced Greengrass’s hand. “We can discuss the regimen afterwards, Black. Just meet me by the front doors and let your mate answer the bloody question.”

Everyone around them falls into laughter that’s caught between uncomfortable chuckles and amazingly amused cackling, but the only person Remus is paying any mind is Sirius, and how he seems to have gone absolutely incandescent, nodding electrically before miming the zip of his lips and gesturing for Potter to carry on.

Jesus help him, Remus has no idea what he’s gotten himself into.

.-

~My Wolfstar FIC Masterlist

~Buy Me A Coffee 

#WOLFSTAR #REMUS LUPIN #SIRIUS BLACK #SIRIUSXREMUS #REMUSXSIRIUS #WOLFSTAR FLUFF #THE HARRY POTTER SERIES #MARAUDERS #HARRY POTTER SERIES #ILU Victoria!!! #also to anyone side eyeing the buy me a coffee plz do not judge me #i am so searing embarrassed about it #rip #just it's there i guess #calls;jalksdgjaeowifjsadlkgh #look away from me #!!! #lmfao #spilt ink

[inquisitor-maelorn]

@ask-izi

Taliya Maelorn sipped from her cup of recaff on the bridge of the Solitude as the strike cruiser returned to the materium.

“Jump successful, we’re just beyond the mandeville point in the JS-151 star system,” an officer called out. “Warp drive spinning down and gellar fields fading.”

“Good,” Taliya replied. “Run through preliminary system scans and find me that mystery ship.”

“Yes ma’am.”

Taliya leaned on a railing in the expansive bridge, passively watching as data slowly crawled onto the screens surrounding her. It would likely be hours until the Solitude’s impressive Deathwatch-grade sensor array picked up anything of note, but she liked to sit on the bridge for the first few minutes of data collection so as not to appear apathetic.

Valdred Tyrax, her one of her Deathwatch commandos, clearly shared no such worries. The Astartes let out a deep yawn as he lazily gazed out at the starfield surrounding them through the viewscreen.

“Tired already, Sergeant Tyrax?” she asked with a smirk. “I thought you’d been ordered to have a greater respect for bedtimes.”

“Oh, you know me, Lady Inquisitor,” the Blood Raven replied, running a large hand through his slicked-back brown hair. “Never had much of a stomach for boredom.” He took out a dataslate and began to read a novel he’d downloaded the night before.

Taliya chuckled and shook her head, then took out her own dataslate, reflexively re-reading the mission details for the millionth time.

A few days ago, her Ynnari allies had picked up an astropathic imperial transponder signal in this uninhabited system, so she’d taken the Solitude and a small detachment of Marines away from the grueling trench warfare battles on the civilized world of Anaris to check it out. While it was likely overkill to send a Deathwatch strike cruiser on such a mission, the Solitude had by far the fastest warp drive in the entire sector, so they’d likely be able to get here and back before any major offensive was missed.

A few pages into her reading, Taliya heard a ping from the Solitude’s sensors.

“Unidentified Imperial vessel detected,” an officer triumphantly announced.

“That was fast,” Valdred said with a raised eyebrow.

“Yes, sir. The ship is only 8 light minutes away. We must’ve had an incredibly lucky jump. We can be within real-time communication radius in a few hours.”

“The emperor has given us quite a gift,” Taliya stated. “Begin the acceleration burn to the ship immediately, and send a tightbeam comm message their way.”

“Yes ma’am. Comm is ready when you are.”

Taliya walked to the command console and leaned over a vox mic.

“Unidentified vessel, this is Inquisitor Maelorn of the Imperial warship Solitude. We are currently on an intercept course, and demand a schematic of your craft and a statement of your intentions. Respond immediately or be assumed hostile. Solitude out.”

“I don’t know about you all, but I’ll be on the edge of my seat for the next 16-ish minutes,” Valdred snarked. He hadn’t looked up from his dataslate.

[loquaciousquark]

Talks Machina Highlights - Critical Role C2E91 (Jan. 21, 2020)

Good evening, everyone! Sorry about missing last week; @eponymous-rose​ was out of town and I had some other commitments. Regardless, here we are! Brian is looking handsome and cold, as are Sam & Travis on the couch. Everyone is wearing coats. Is the heat broken?

That said, tonight’s guests are Travis Willingham & Sam Riegel.

Brian starts us off asking Sam if he’s remaking the Wire in Beverly Hills. Sam basically embodies that hello fellow kids meme tonight in a hand-knitted beanie from his wife, a bomber jacket, a yellow tee, and skinny jeans. They quickly photoshop in smoke trailing out of his mouth. We’re just a few minutes in and this is off the rails already.

Announcements: The next issue (#5) of Vox Machina comics comes out Wednesday, Feb. 19! It’s also available online at Dark Horse Digital and Comixology. And that’s it! Huh.

Episode 91: Stone to Clay

Brian tells us this is the first time ever to have Sam & Travis alone on Talks. I’m stunned and so are they. Sam says, “between me, Brian, Dani, and Travis right now, there’s four tens on this show right now.”

We’re already into questions less than ten minutes into the show. Truly this is a remarkable night.

63 in game days and 21 episodes passed between Caduceus’s first mention of Stone (episode 71) and Fjord connecting the dots. Travis blames the internet connection and his really bad ADHD night, as that was the night he and Laura remoted in from the hotel.

Brian tells us that when Ashley used to skype in, she could only see Matt & couldn’t see or really hear anyone else.

Travis says there was a huge delay for him between mouths moving and the audio coming through, and then that audio was pretty distorted. Laura could handle it okay, but Travis just heard a jumble and couldn’t parse it.

Sam took a CBD bath the other day and found it exactly as relaxing as a normal bath. Sam & Travis commiserate about taking baths only to have their knees pop out of the water. Tall people problems smh

Caleb & Nott completed the spell in less than a week, including dealing with the Angel of Irons & brokering peace treaties. Travis though the laughter was going to be Helas.

Travis says he definitely didn’t hear the name the first time (he remembered dust but not stone from the lava pits). “Look! Yes! No, I was not listening before! Thursday nights are my times to enjoy my friends and food! Marisha is an amazing note-taker; why would I ever take my own? This is how I got through college!”

Sam says he keeps a mission checklist in his head and has for ages. He has a page in his notebook labeled “To Do” that includes things like visiting Kiri or Shakaste, in case they have downtime and need ideas.

Travis asks if he continues writing in his (apparently) very small handwriting, and Sam says he has to leave room for Laura to draw all her dicks. They all marvel that she is actually a very good artist.

Travis honestly still thinks the Stone name is a huge coincidence, especially since Taliesin didn’t have access to Fjord’s last name when he created Caduceus’s last name and backstory. Sam challenges Travis that even if that were true, doesn’t he think Matt will find a way to tie it together?

Travis says Fjord doesn’t want anything to do with the last name and it’s not even his real name. He’s not convinced this isn’t a coincidence.

Travis did a lot of research into orphanage naming conventions when coming up with Stone. He does have a backstory as to how the orphanage manager picked Stone as his name.

Travis thinks Matt would have emphasized the Stone name more sooner if it had been a true connection and not coincidence.

Brian: “He does like to take credit for coincidences, doesn’t he?”

Nott didn’t think there was a catch in the ritual; Sam was more surprised they were allowed to achieve the milestone at all. He was shocked it happened so soon in the story and that the spell is relatively easy to cast.

He didn’t know it would fail, but there was a moment when he wasn’t sure if he wanted to go through with it. Travis agrees everyone was shocked when it didn’t work.

Fjord’s current stance on faith and destiny hasn’t changed since the last time he discussed it. Faith is a slow thing for Fjord and he really does think the name is a coincidence.

Sam as a player is excited to see what comes next for Nott; “if she had been transformed into Veth at that moment, I would have been excited to see what comes next. The fact that it’s still Nott makes me excited too. I’m excited to see more of Nott since she’s the best character in the M9.” He also confesses he was a bit relieved, in part because it’s delayed the inevitable. At some point she must decide if she is going to stay or go with the M9.

Cosplay of the Week: @kajicosplays​ on instagram of a lovely lady Percy. Brian: “Isn’t it fun when Taliesin’s characters live?”

Deep down, Nott knows she will do the transformation at some point, but at that last moment where she had to make a decision she had to check in with herself to make sure she was ready. Sam Riegel as a D&D player also knows that you have to trust your DM and make choices.

Brian misreads the word “ribbing.” Sam teaches Travis what rimming is. We all learn a lot about each other.

Sam thinks Fjord can realize when the time comes to set jokes aside. He thinks Fjord was very respectful. Travis has honestly forgotten that the conversation took place.

Travis has Dani answer from Fjord’s perspective. It’s actually pretty insightful, talking about how Fjord recognized someone hesitant to give up these newfound powers that have become intrinsically tied to self-worth.

Fjord has always been loyal, and Travis sees his protectiveness of the M9 as a logical extension of this.

Right now, he has found some agency & self-direction and is hopeful to share that sense with everyone else (he especially mentions Yasha).

Sam & Travis start quoting from Half-Baked. This is chaos.

Nott does want to stay with the M9, but she also wants to go home for sure, both of those things. The kiss with Caleb wasn’t necessarily a goodbye; it felt like the closing of a chapter. It felt like something to mark the end of the experience.

Now they’re quoting Beverly Hills Cop. Oh, boy.

“You look like you wrote Pitch Perfect.” When did this turn into a roast?

Fjord has no memories earlier than the orphanage (The Driftwood Asylum). There were a couple dozen kids there aside from him; Travis thinks some of them might have been named Stone. It also operated as a small child-labor workshop for carpentry & woodshop stuff. “It was a terrible place all around.” He has no images of parents or being dropped off.

Sam thought the Nott transformation would be more endgame, though he feels it makes sense that it’s not. “While Nott transforming into Veth was my original goal, what’s great about these long games is that your goals can change two or three times before the end. Now I can explore all these other things: does she want to go back and be a housewife? How does she rectify her obligations to her husband and child to the life that she’s made with the M9? It’s so exciting and interesting.”

Brian asks a hypothetical: if she could transform back but lose all Nott’s memories, would she do it? Sam: “Oh, that’s tough. I don’t know.”

Fanart of the Week: a lovely piece by @pen_draws with everyone in the hot tub.

Travis is very trepidatious about returning to the open ocean after rejecting Uk’otoa. He wants to make sure the third temple is sealed. It feels like it would be too easy for someone not to come and try to collect the job he left half-finished. He also wants to go back to Darktow.

Sam doesn’t know if Nott is still in love with Yeza, although she definitely still loves him. He’s playing with the idea of a high school sweetheart being exposed to the world and then going back home. But Yeza’s amazing, a great guy, perfect. “I guess we’ll find out when/if she turns back into Veth.” Sam feels guilty talking about him. “He’s a fictional character and I feel guilty that he might be watching the show.”

Neither Nott nor Fjord trust Essek. Travis: “He just went from being cold and aloof to being really warm. I know there’s been time and he’s lived an isolated life, but...time will show if he’s being genuine. All of our haunches were up. All of us were on level five alert.” He’s being so helpful that Travis doesn’t trust Mercer with him.

Fjord never ever considered becoming a paladin of the Traveler. “No. Fuck no!” The Wildmother reached out and directly intervened to save him. Travis gets super creepy bad vibes from the Traveler’s relationship with Jester (Sam agrees).

Nott feels more pressure when her own problems become the focus. It’s hard for her to open up and talk about her feelings. She’d rather pick up on other people’s problems. Sam also acknowledges it’s more pressure on him (and anyone) as a player when the whole table is looking at you.

And that’s that! Is it Thursday yet?

#critical role #critical role spoilers #talks machina #talks machina spoilers #long post for ts

[dontasktheradiodemon]

Meeting Over Tea 3/21/2021

Alastor visits Sir Pentious a.k.a. Ruddy @ruddygore to check out his COOL MAD SCIENCE MACHINES (and see whether or not he can’t worm his way into being a helpful part-time henchman to this one too).

They talk about universe-hopping technology and magic, and agree to trade some useful info.

Alastor

Alastor’s got his hair styled all fancy and he smells like somebody who actually showers but like, he’s still dressed the way Radio Demons dress. He only fancies up so far.

He promised lunch if Ruddy let him come over so he’s got like a basket of finger foods, the kind of things that wouldn’t get the way if their primary activity is gonna be walking around and looking at machines. Mainly, the sort of things Penny likes plus the sort of things Telly like plus a couple of odds and ends while he tries to suss out Ruddy’s particular preferences.

Sir Pentious

Ruddy isn't very picky. He USED to be, but you raise twelve kids and have to deal with all of their particular tastes growing up.. and you give up on wanting A FINE GOURMET DINNER JUST SO.

Alastor arrived on the balcony of one of Ruddy's ships, he can see the rest of the fleet docked nearby. Ruddy will give Alastor an Analyzing Once Over, because come on, this is the guy his alternate is dating? Really? But whatever, he supposes love is blind. Come along then, Radio Demon, step inside and come see his portal.

Alastor

He’s gotta take a second to admire that fleet, he hasn’t seen a fleet like that since the sixties... okay he’s ready—oh this snake is Tall. Oh my.

HE KEEPS HIMSELF TOGETHER but wow this snake is Tall

Sir Pentious

This snake is tall! It's all the unchecked ego. He was more reasonably sized a few months ago, but after taking out VOX??? He's all thick scales and amped up cobra breathing. VERY HEAVY, a lot of slithering noise when he moves. He'll check the time on his pocketwatch, then tuck it away, pick his cane up from where it was leaning against the railing, and give Alastor a STERN LOOK. "NO FUNNY BUSINESS, ALASTOR. MY ALTERNATES MAY BE FOND OF YOU, BUT I WILL MAKE MY *OWN* DECISIONS."

Alastor

The MOST INNOCENT LOOK! ... But not quite innocent that it looks suspicious! “I’m not planning any business funnier than a bad pun or two! Your alternates are only fond of me because I treat them with the respect they deserve, and I intend to do no less here.”

Sir Pentious

A slight squint from Hattie, but Ruddy nods. "VERY WELL, ALASTOR. I WILL HOLD YOU TO THAT." A flourish! And he escorts the smaller man to the depths of his airship so Alastor can see the portals set up in the cargo bay, with the eggbois busily cleaning blood from the walls and mush that looked like sinners that went through the blender.

Alastor

He’s determined to win you over too, Hattie, just you wait.

Obviously he’s already grinning, but he’s Really Grinning when he starts seeing the inside of the airship, and Really Super Grinning when he sees the gore. “Test subjects?”

Sir Pentious

"NATURALLY. INNOVATION REQUIRES SACRIFICE, AND WHAT ARE A FEW SINNERS INCONVENIENCED IN THE NAME OF PROGRESS?" Ruddy cackles in that Pentious way, gesturing for the eggbois to drag another sinner in to chuck unceremoniously into the portal set into one wall. They come out on the other side of the room intact, somehow, but proceed to explode a few moments later, a hand bouncing to a stop in front of the two.

Ruddy prods the hand, flicking his tongue. "A DELAYED REACTION, BUT IT IS PROGRESS!"

Alastor

“I’m sure it’s the most productive thing they’ve done down here!”

He watches keenly as another test subject is thrown through, and his invisible audience applauds raucously when they emerge intact from the other portal. When the the sinner explodes, the applause increases to outright cheering. “All in all, very impressive! Know what makes ‘em explode yet?”

Sir Pentious

"OH. YES, I DO, AND I HAVE SUCCESSFULLY PREVENTED AT LEAST ONE DEATH. BUT IT'S SO FUNNY!!!" He grins, all teeth, and gestures for another to get chucked in. "AT THIS POINT I AM JUST TESTING THE LIMITS. HOW MUCH WARPING CAN A BODY HANDLE? THE LESS, THE MORE OF A DELAY BEFORE THE BODY EXPLODES."

Alastor

“And a good scientist certainly keeps experimenting with different variables after getting one success! He must be thorough, mustn’t he?” He watches gleefully as the next is chucked in and laughs when they pop. “Plus it’s a hell of a good show, I’ll give it that!”

Sir Pentious

Preen preen... He smooths down his lapels and rumbles a purr. "A GOOD SHOW..." He hums, tapping a silk encased finger to his lips. "YES! THAT DOES REMIND ME. YOUR ALTERNATE ASKED ME TO BROADCAST SOME CARNAGE FOR HIM, PERHAPS I WILL LET HIM SEE THIS BEFORE I GO SHOOTING ANY OVERLORDS DOWN."

Alastor

“Oh, DID he! I’m sure he’d also enjoy seeing the amazing teleporting blender! And do tell me when that other show’s going to happen, I’ll be sure to tune in!” A caaasual sideways glance. “I’m sure you can handle your own broadcasting needs, but! If you ever find you’d LIKE an on-site commentator at your carnage, I’d happily volunteer myself for the position. There’s too few brawls worth watching these days, much less reporting on.”

Sir Pentious

Ruddy scoffs, but fixes Alastor with a mischievous side eye. "I SEE, THAT'S HOW YOU WON OVER TELLY, HM? ENDLESS FLATTERY. HE DID CALL YOU ENTHUSIASTIC."

Alastor

Oh goodness. He’s talked to Telly. He HADN’T talked to Telly earlier. What did Telly say about him? Enthusiastic??

To his credit, Alastor’s only frozen with panic for a half second. “And every bit of the flattery is sincere! I am a keen fan of your work, sir—and I see no good reason to pretend I’m not.”

Sir Pentious

He's snickering, shoulders shaking slightly as he turns his head away. Like a deer in the headlights, wasn't that the expression? "YES, I'M SURE. GENIUS IS ALLURING, AFTER ALL." And then he immediately switches gears, slithering over to a nearby console to pick up something that looked suspiciously similar to a grocery store barcode scanner. "NOW COME HERE. I HAVE FOUND A USE FOR YOU!!!!"

Alastor

Well THAT’S a very interesting choice of words. Oh he’s gonna ask Telly some questions later.

But if they’re moving on, then Alastor isn’t about to ask what Sir Pentious suspects/knows. “Do tell! I’m all ears.”

Sir Pentious

He gestures with his scanner, pointing it at Alastor with a knowing smirk. Oh, he is so clever. "YOU ARE FROM A DIFFERENT HELL." That doesn't explain things, Ruddy. Try again. "I CAN LOCK ON TO YOUR HOME REALITY AND OPEN A PORTAL THERE WITH *THIS*, AND THEN I'LL HAVE THE COORDINATES LOGGED FOR FUTURE USE. IT WILL BE MY FIRST STEP TOWARDS INTER-DIMENSIONAL TRAVEL!"

Alastor

“Wonderful! What’s involved? Do you scan me?” A nod at the scanner-looking thing. “Or do I carry it home with me, take some readings, and bring it back to you? Or what?”

Sir Pentious

"SCANNING YOU WILL BE ENOUGH TO OPEN A PORTAL TO YOUR HELL. HOWEVER, IF I WANT TO OPEN IT SOMEWHERE *SPECIFIC,* I WILL NEED THE LATTER. HELLS CAN BE SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT, AFTER ALL..." He shrugs. "I DON'T KNOW IF YOU SAW, BUT WHEN YOU ARRIVED WE WERE PARKED OVER THE RUINS OF THE CANNIBAL COLONY OF THIS HELL. IF I OPENED A PORTAL TO THE SAME LOCATION IN YOUR HELL, IN *THEORY* THE OTHER SIDE WOULD LEAD TO SEVERAL HUNDRED FEET ABOVE A MUCH LESS RUINED COLONY. HOWEVER, UNTIL I GET MORE DATA, I AM BEING CAUTIOUS ABOUT OPENING PORTALS WHERE I *THINK* THEY WILL GO. I DON'T NEED TO INVITE ANY OUTSIDE OVERLORDS INTO MY TERRITORY."

Alastor

A surprised jolt. “No, I didn’t notice, actually.” He’d been too distracted by that beautiful fleet.

He considers that. Sound thinking, all around. “While you’re still experimenting with opening portals across dimensions, I’ve found that the Happy Hotel is a remarkably stable location across dimensions—probably why his majesty put a building there to begin with—and, thanks to the princess’s project, it’s fairly reliable neutral ground in all the nearest neighboring dimensions. If you’re being cautious, that might be a safe spot to start.”

Sir Pentious

"THE HOTEL, HM? I HAVEN'T BEEN BACK THERE SINCE THE LOCAL ALASTOR CRUSHED ONE OF MY AIRSHIPS." He gives Alastor a quick scan, then turns to type the information into his console. "PERHAPS I WILL APPROACH THE PRINCESS ABOUT MAKING USE OF HER GROUNDS. NOT AS A GUEST, HOWEVER. I PUT NO FAITH IN THAT REDEMPTION NONSENSE." A press of an overly large button, and lo and behold! the "out" portal shuts down, the in portal reveals a red sky, shimmering like it was being seen through a heat haze.

He takes a moment to look pleased, then gestures for the eggbois to chuck another sinner through.

Alastor

“Hm! Tingly!” He watches the information being entered. “Oh, of course not—the whole redemption thing is ridiculous! But most versions of her I’ve heard about have been perfectly happy to let people use the hotel grounds for other purposes. Management feels it’s good PR for the whole project.”

He blinks curiously at the portal. Well, it sure looks like his Hell—but then again, so do most Hells.

Sir Pentious

Ruddy watches the sinner fall through, slithering closer as the eggbois reel them back in to wait for the explosion.

It doesn't come. He nods. "I WILL KEEP IT IN MIND. THOUGH I DON'T RELISH THE THOUGHT OF LOCAL ALASTOR ALTERNATE BOUNCING OVER THE WAY HE DOES TO ASK THE SAME QUESTION AGAIN EVERY TIME WE MAKE EYE CONTACT. HE WORKS THERE, AFTER ALL, I IMAGINE I'D SEE A LOT OF HIM IF I SET A SCALE INTO THE BUILDING."

Alastor

Well, how about that! Round of applause.

Alastor gives him a curious look. "Same question?"

Sir Pentious

He rolls ALL of his eyes, moving away from the console to scan the sinner with his gun.

"HE ALWAYS ASKS IF HE KNOWS ME. THE SAME JOKE FOR EIGHTY YEARS, ALASTOR. AND HE ONLY SEEMS TO GET MORE EXCITED TO ASK EACH TIME. NOW THAT THE COLONY IS NO MORE, HE PRACTICALLY SPRINTS ACROSS THE CITY IF HE CATCHES A WHIFF OF MY COLOGNE. SURELY HE HAS SOMETHING BETTER TO DO WITH HIS TIME!!"

Alastor

Alastor don’t be weird and smell his cologne. Alastor. Alastor don’t do it.

He puts some serious thought into this pronouncement. “You know... he probably doesn’t.”

Sir Pentious

In Alastor's defense, it's a VERY nice cologne that Ruddy pays obscene amounts to get smuggled in from Earth. Just like the materials he used to make his own suit and gloves.

There's a moment where it almost seems like Ruddy didn't hear him, then the snake turns to slither straight into Alastor's personal space, leaning down to look him in the eyes. Suspicious man. "EXPLAIN, ALASTOR."

Alastor

OH HELLO THERE. He does an impressive job of not leaning back. “He’s probably bored out of his mind! I’M usually bored out of MY mind. If he’s going out of his way to make the same joke over and over? Why, I’m sure it’s one of the few reliable things he’s got that keep on giving him a few minutes of entertainment! So no! He probably doesn’t have anything better to do with his time.” A shrug.

Sir Pentious

A flick of the tongue. The cobra withdraws. Back to poking the protesting sinner with his cane, then. "I SUPPOSE NOT. YOUR BOYFRIEND SAID THE SAME, MORE OR LESS."

He scoffs. "THE MAN SHOULD LEARN TO MAKE FRIENDS, IF HE'S SO DESPERATE FOR ENTERTAINMENT. OR TAKE OUT AN OVERLORD! VOX HAD HALF THE RADIO TOWERS IN THE CITY CONVERTED BEFORE I KILLED HIM."

Alastor

Ignore the weird squeal of radio sound effects there.

“I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed this, but people have a tendency to scream in fear and run away when I say hello. It makes it a little tricky to make friends. And I’m not interested in politics—I took out my share of overlords when I arrived, the prospect of going after MORE sounds less like a fun whim and more like a tedious day job.” He pauses. Very VERY casually, “Is that what he’s calling me?”

Sir Pentious

Ah, there it is. Ruddy hums, twirling his cane around in his hand to suddenly crack the handle against the sinner's skull, sending blood and brain matter splattering across the floor. Can't have them listening in, after all!

"I SUPPOSE MOST SINNERS ARE STILL COWARDS." Ah, perfect, an eggboi with a towel to wipe the bits off his cane. " AS FAR AS WHAT YOU'RE CALLED. WELL. I SPOKE TO TELLY BRIEFLY... AND HE IS EVEN LESS SUBTLE THAN I. HE CRUMBLED UNDER THE SLIGHTEST INQUIRY AFTER PRAISING YOU INCESSANTLY. THE ONLY REASON I AM TELLING YOU THIS IS SO YOU ARE AWARE THAT _I_ KNOW. IT IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS, AND FRANKLY I DON'T CARE. BUT IF YOU WANT TO STAY UNDER THE RADAR, YOU'RE FAILING MISERABLY."

Alastor

“Oh, THAT’S all fine,” says Alastor, who is Not Fine At All, “it’s just the terminology, is all. We haven’t really talked it out yet, see. And ‘boyfriend’ sounds a little... eugh, it’s juvenile, isn’t it?” He makes a bit of a face.

Sir Pentious

There's a loud snort, and Ruddy slithers to the portal to stick his arm through, then withdraw and go to scan that next. "JUVENILE IS PUTTING IT MILDLY. HOWEVER, TELLY IS A VERY JUVENILE INDIVIDUAL. FOR A PENTIOUS, HE BARELY SEEMS TO KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING."

Whatever information he got from the scanner seems to please him, a smile stretching across his face as his talons flex. "THOUGH PERHAPS MY STANDARDS ARE TOO HIGH, I DID MEET PENNY FIRST AFTER ALL. A PENTIOUS WHO ESCAPED HELL! I COULDN'T BE MORE PROUD."

Alastor

He bristles slightly, but manages to hold back most of what he’d like to say to that. “He isn’t so juvenile that I’d insult him by calling him a ‘boy’ ‘friend.’”

Alastor doesn’t think escaping Hell ought to be used as a point in that Sir Pentious’s favor, considering that it was due to a lucky relationship rather than due to any sort of maturity—but is he going to be the sort of man who talks up his lover by talking down his best friend? (He’s actually never had to consider this question before.) No, no he is not. Although he does ask dryly, “And you’re so certain Telly *hasn’t?*” Sure, it was for one trip—but it was via the exact same method every single one of them had ever left Hell. “Sounds like he can keep some things under the radar, after all!”

Sir Pentious

Alastor gets another of those analyzing looks, and then a smug nod. "I'M AWARE THAT HE'S BEEN TO OKKYLK, HE TOLD ME THAT AS WELL. MADAME VALERA HELPED HIM THE SAME WAY SHE DID ME. AND PENNY. AND THAT ALASTOR IN HER HOME WHO CROSSED HIMSELF WHEN HE SAW ME. THAT WAS STRANGE."

He _shudders_, memories of Leal's antics playing in his mind before he turns his attention back to his guest. "RELAX, ALASTOR. YOUR _PARTNER_ IS IGNORANT, BUT HE IS A SIR PENTIOUS. HE'S GOT THE INTELLECT WE ALL SHARE, I AM NOT DISMISSING HIS ABILITIES."

Alastor

Huff! “Which one was THAT?”

He offers a tight smile. “No, just his maturity—and I heartily disagree with you. But, I’m not here to argue. Nor to discuss relationships! You see, I’m far less interested in my own amorous entanglements than I am in the cutting-edge technological advancements I came here to discuss!” A nod toward the scanner?

Sir Pentious

The first question is completely ignored by Big Snake, a knowing look crossing his face before he changes tracks straight back to the technological side of things. Blelele..

"YES, MY SCANNER. YOU MAY TAKE THIS AND SCAN WHATEVER AREA YOU DESIRE IN YOUR OWN HOTEL, AND THE COORDINATES WILL APPEAR ON THE DISPLAY UNTIL YOU SCAN ANOTHER SPOT. THEY WILL BE SENT BACK TO MY CONSOLE WIRELESSLY, SO NO NEED TO REPORT BACK TO READ IT OUT. SCAN HOWEVER MANY LOCATIONS YOU LIKE, ONCE I HAVE THE HOTEL I CAN BEGIN MY NEXT TEST."

Alastor

“Wonderful.” He makes no move to take the scanner yet. “I believe we’d also discussed the possibility of a mutual exchange of information? See if any of my magic might help you speed up your science and vice-versa?”

Sir Pentious

The suspicious squint is back on Hattie's.. face? "WE DID. THOUGH I'M CURIOUS ABOUT WHAT MY TECHNOLOGY CAN DO FOR A MAN OF MAGIC LIKE YOURSELF."

Alastor

Snaps fingers; a portal opens, his grimoire hops out and flips open, and a massive, elaborate star chart unfolds. It’s a giant complex system of precise lines and coordinates narrowed down to the fifth decimal point, glowing red, almost all of them changing second by second. “You’d be surprised how much math there is in my line of work.” All pure astrology, baby.

“THIS helps me do THIS.” A dramatic gesture, a surreptitious blood offering, and a portal opens behind Alastor. Through it, clear blue sky shines. “And it could probably help YOU get there just a little bit faster, too. Magic might not require as many microchips, but it’s got to find passages between dimensions and create temporary connections between distant locations, just like anything you’re making. We’re running on different machinery but it all relies on the same underlying laws of physics, it just exploits them in different ways. If I know how yours exploits them, it could help ME find ways to exploit them—and the same goes for you.”

He thumps his knuckles on his grimoire. “The spell I’ve got here lets me open a portal anywhere—provided that it’s on my Earth, because the location system built into the spell is based on a geocentric astrological model of the universe that’s only capable of spitting out coordinates on Earth’s surface. If I know how YOUR machine determines its coordinates, I might be able to find a way to substitute it in for this spell’s current coordinate system.”

Sir Pentious

Ruddy slithers backwards when the grimoire appears, all his eyes flicking around to watch Alastor explain himself and his thinking from a safe, or at least safer, distance. He may not have bad blood with the radio demon, but he wasn't an idiot.

His tongue flicks towards Alastor's portal to Earth, tasting the faint scents of something once familiar. Seeing a sky so blue... No. He shakes his head. Focus, Pentious.

"INTERESTING. ASTROLOGY AS A GUIDING FORCE. DID YOU LIFT THAT FROM STOLAS?"

He doesn't bother waiting for an answer, he doesn't actually care. "REGARDLESS. FOR MY EXPERIMENTS ON EARTH, I'D INTENDED TO USE THEIR SATELLITES. CELL TOWERS. ALL THAT AND MORE. THEY HAVE PLENTY OF TECHNOLOGY DEDICATED TO TRACKING PRECISE COORDINATES, A SMALL MATTER TO GET THAT TO SPEAK TO MINE. FOR HELL, HOWEVER, IT'S ALL ABOUT.. I SUPPOSE TUNING IN TO DIFFERENT FREQUENCIES. YOU'RE A MAN OF THE RADIO, YOU CAN IMAGINE WHAT I MEAN. YOU RESONATE AT THE FREQUENCY NATIVE TO YOUR HELL, MY SCANNER CAN TUNE IN TO THAT, AND THEN THE COORDINATES COME AFTER. FREQUENCY, LOCATION, IN THAT ORDER."

Alastor

Well, if he’s moving on, then Alastor’s not going to waste time on explaining where he got the spell!

“So your plan for Earth is close to what I’m already doing—it’s just that the satellites I’m tuning into are the planets and the satellites you’re tuning into are manmade.” He rubs his chin thoughtfully. “I’d still like to see how you do it—if nothing else, they should be useful on a few more planets than Earth, and I work better with radio waves than I do with astrology.” It might even be easy to modify them to work on AM frequencies instead of cell phone frequencies.

Those Hell frequencies, though... Alastor shuts his eyes for a moment, seeing if he could detect that particular frequency himself. He didn’t even know if it was something within range of his own powers. “Are these frequencies only specific to Hell—or could you potentially use them to reach anywhere in any dimension? And if you’re getting the coordinates from that scanner doohickey, I take it you don’t even need cell towers for that.”

Sir Pentious

Ruddy puffs his chest, fixing his already perfectly even bowtie as he preens. "I HAVE TO DO MORE EXPERIMENTS, ALASTOR, BUT *THEORETICALLY!!!* THE FREQUENCIES COULD BE USED TO REACH ANY REALITY I PLEASED. THOUGH AS OF NOW MY SAMPLE SIZE IS YOU AND VALERA, AND I HAVEN'T HAD A CHANCE TO SCAN HER YET." And that's assuming he CAN scan Valera, her whole... Singularity thing, may make it more challenging. Not that *he* knows that yet!

"I DON'T NEED CELL TOWERS! THOUGH TRYING TO TAKE IT TO DIFFERENT REALITIES WOULD LIKELY BE ENOUGH TO BREAK THE LINK, I HAVEN'T...." A sudden thought, and he whips around to rip open the side of the console. "UNLESS I ADD PORTAL TECHNOLOGY TO MY OWN SCANNER OF COURSE!" Here comes that Pentious Cackle all over again.

Alastor

He waits politely for the cackle to finish. What a lovely sound. “So, hypothetical question—say you want to visit somewhere you’ve never been before. You know the dimension is there, you’ve talked to people from it—but you’ve never physically met them because they don’t have the ability to jump between dimensions and visit you first. So you can’t scan them and can’t pass off your scanner to them to grab coordinates for you. Are there other ways for you to get that information and manually enter it?”

Sir Pentious

Pentious freezes mid... whatever the hell he's doing to those poor wires, head tilting dramatically to one side as his face scrunches. "... I BELIEVE SO, YES. THEY HAVE AN INTERNET CONNECTION THEY ARE COMMUNICATING TO YOU THROUGH, SO THE INFORMATION IS BEING BROADCAST *SOMEWHERE*. IT IS A MATTER OF TRACING THAT, UNSCRAMBLING IT..." Oh here comes an eggboi, holding a tray above its head with a cup of tea and a heavily abused leatherbound journal. Both are snatched up, the tea held in the elegantly coiled tip of Ruddy's tail as he fiddles the journal open and finds a blank page to start scrawling on.

Give him a minute while he mumbles under his breath, or as close to it as a giant snake man can get. He's having a moment of genius.

Alastor

Don’t mind him as he scootches over to try to see what Sir Pentious is writing. He gets on his toes to try to get a better view. Considering that the snake’s got like three feet on him, this may not actually help. But by God he’s trying.

Sir Pentious

It's easy to ignore Alastor's efforts, but Ruddy moves seemingly automatically, twisting his body around Alastor to maneuver the smaller man between his chest and the journal. There, an unrestricted view. More than that, he starts explaining.

"AS I SAID, THE SIGNAL IS BROADCAST, AND I CAN ASSUME IT'S THROUGH THE PLATFORM WE ALL USE. NOW THAT I HAVE YOUR COORDINATES? I CAN, MOST LIKELY, FIND WHERE THEY'RE STORED, AND THEN USE THE SAME PATH FOR OTHER PEOPLE."

Alastor

“Oh.” He just got grappled/embraced to have a bunch of Science shown to him. “Brilliant.” Is his voice is a little higher than it should be? AHEM. “I suppose that wouldn’t be usable to reach ANY dimension, but it takes care of any with v#xblr...” A thought occurs to him. “Say. With blockhead dead, does that put you in charge of all his networks in this universe?”

Sir Pentious

"I'M NOT WORRIED. WITH ENOUGH OF A PRECEDENT I SHOULD BE ABLE TO START MAKING EDUCATED GUESSES ABOUT OTHER UNIVERSES. ONCE YOU LEARN HOW TO FRY AN EGG ONE WAY, YOU CAN FIGURE OUT THE OTHERS!!" Ruddy that didn't make sense.

Oh right, a question. No time to cackle, he has to stroke his hood and preen more. "IT DOES!! ALL HIS RESOURCES ARE MINE, INCLUDING HIS NETWORKS, THE POWER GRID, HIS WEALTH.. AND HIS PATENTS. NOT THAT I HAVE ANY USE FOR THEM!"

Alastor

Alastor nods. That makes perfect sense. One experience with eggs... can lead to many experiences with eggs.

“He has PATENTS?” Alastor laughs. “Who the hell did he steal them from?!” Oh but that’s not what he was going to talk about. “Now, no promises, but I MIGHT have a solution to your local Radio Demon problem.”

Sir Pentious

Looks like they're done talking about science now, time for Ruddy to unwind himself from around Alastor and put a polite distance between them again. "DO TELL, ALASTOR."

Alastor

“If you’ve got all of the boob tube’s holdings, then you’ve got his television and radio towers. Now, I can’t speak on behalf of an alternate of myself that I’ve never met before—but out of the ones I’ve met? Four out of five, if you offered them a couple of towers in exchange for a promise not to make one specific stupid joke, they’d fall all over themselves to take the bargain. Can’t imagine you have much use for most of those towers in your line of work anyhow; I doubt you’d feel the loss if, say, VSPN suddenly started broadcasting show tunes instead of hockey matches.”

Sir Pentious

A bribe, basically. He can understand the logic, what's a radio demon without a station? Give Alastor a few towers, get him off his tail. Hopefully permanently, but at least for most of the day while he was busy playing radio host. Hmm..

Ruddy slithers in a slow circle, ignoring it completely when an eggboi vaults into the middle of the mound of scales and muscle. "PERHAPSSS.. I HAVE LEFT THOSE STATIONS RUNNING NORMALLY, THEY NET ME A TIDY PROFIT. BUT I'M SURE I'LL SURVIVE WITHOUT THEM, IF IT GETS THAT FOOL TO STOP TACKLING ME. LET THE RADIO DEMON USE THOSE CHANNELS. "

Alastor

“You could always build a couple of replacement towers for the channels you’d be giving up for him. Or, hell, make a couple of fresh ones just for him to play with. After all, you’ve got the capital and the resources for it—and he doesn’t.”

Sir Pentious

"AND YOU REALLY THINK THAT WOULD BE ENOUGH TO DISTRACT HIM FROM EIGHTY YEARS OF HIS INCESSANT NONSENSE?" Well, why not? Alastor was right after all, he had the resources to spare. It would cost almost nothing from his perspective...

He taps at his chin, eyes narrowing. "PERHAPS. BUT DEALING WITH THE RADIO DEMON HAS A WAY OF COMING BACK TO BITE ONE IN THE *ASS*, FROM WHAT I'VE HEARD. I HAVE NO GUARANTEE THAT HE WOULD STICK TO HIS END OF THE BARGAIN."

Alastor

“No, I don’t think it would be enough to *distract* him. But I *do* think that if you make a proper deal with him, he won’t violate it just for the sake of making a stupid joke. Make his ownership of those towers contingent upon his ability to restrain himself from making stupid jokes at your expense. Hell, throw a restraining order in if you want! Put in a couple of clauses defining what happens if the contract is breached, to ensure that souls don’t get involved—if he makes his dumb jokes, you get the towers back; if you destroy or seize his towers, he regains his current freedom to pester you, nothing more than that. I can help you draft up the contract if you want—“ he laughs, “or refer you to some reputable neutral parties to draft it if you don’t trust a Radio Demon to help arrange a contract with a Radio Demon. Because you’re certainly right, dealing with me typically ends VERY badly, no point denying that—but usually that’s thanks to poorly-worded deals that let me get away with more than I ought to! With an airtight contract, I can’t do anything but what the contract says I can.”

Sir Pentious

Look at the face scrunch on that snake. "I WILL TAKE IT INTO CONSIDERATION, ALASTOR. BUT I WILL GO TO A NEUTRAL THIRD PARTY. AS YOU SAID, I WOULDN'T TRUST A RADIO DEMON I BARELY KNOW TO NEGOTIATE IN MY FAVOR AGAINST HIS OWN ALTERNATE. YOU MAY BE THE MOST LIKELY TO ALLY WITH SERPENTS, BUT YOU ARE STILL WHAT YOU ARE."

A shrug, and he takes his tea to give a cautious sip. Ah, good. Drinkable. Perhaps he'll try some of that food Alastor brought, too, before he forgets... "DID YOU WANT SOME COFFEE, ALASTOR? I ASSUME YOU DON'T CARE FOR TEA, IF YOUR ALTERNATE IS TO JUDGE BY."

Alastor

“Of course! If I were you, I wouldn’t trust me either! I don’t plan on giving you any reasons to doubt my intentions, I can wait to prove I’m trustworthy.”

A hand on his chest. “Very thoughtful of you! Yes, thank you.” He’ll just set that basket up on a table where it’s easier to access everything inside.

Sir Pentious

Ruddy hesitates a moment, then pulls out his phone to send a text off. Here comes a very fancily painted eggboi, a chair held over their head as they run on their tiny legs. Good, he DID have chairs in storage, he wasn't certain. "HAVE A SSSEAT. YOU ARE A GUEST, AFTER ALL." As far as he goes, he will coil up on himself to nibble this finger food.

"DO YOU HAVE ANY FURTHER QUESTIONS ABOUT MY MACHINES, ALASTOR? THE SCANNER, THE TECHNOLOGY BEHIND IT?"

Alastor

“Thank you!” And sit he will, like the guest he is! “And yes, actually! How many are you willing to put up with?”

Sir Pentious

"FIVE." A sip of his tea.

Alastor

Ooh. It’s a game now. He rubs his hands together, sorting through his questions carefully. “I’m going to assume that includes follow-up questions.” Where to begin... “Well, let’s start with the important part! In as close to layman’s terms as you can get—how, exactly, DOES this thing open up portals to other dimensions? I think we’ve only really discussed how to find coordinates, not how you reach them once you’ve got them!”

Sir Pentious

Now *that's* a good question. Ruddy grins over his tea, flicking through his journal before sliding it Alastor's way. "THROUGH MEANS OF HARNESSING HELL'S *ABUNDANT* ENERGY INTO A SINGLE POINT, I CAN MANIFEST A CONNECTION TO THE FOURTH DIMENSION I MAY TRAVERSE. OR *WHATEVER* THEY CALL IT THESE DAYS. IT INVOLVES SOME DISTORTION OF TIME AS WELL AS SPACE, SINCE YOU CANNOT TRULY MOVE FASTER THAN THE SPEED OF LIGHT. BUT WHO NEEDS TO, WHEN YOU CAN SIMPLY WRINKLE REALITY TO CONNECT TWO POINTS? IF THE UNIVERSES ARE LAYERS OF FABRIC, I AM PUTTING IN STITCHES AS I PLEASE TO BRING THEM TOGETHER. FEEL FREE TO GLEAN WHAT YOU CAN FROM MY JOURNAL! I USE A CIPHER, BUT THE ILLUSTRATIONS ARE ACCURATE TO MY THOUGHTS."

Alastor

His eyes brighten. “Like a...?” No, that would count as a question, he can hold onto that thought. He flips open the journal—and then, after a moment of thought, pulls out the loose pages detailing his spell and slides them over to Sir Pentious. “Most of it’s ritual and sigil, but there’s some buried in there on the mechanics that the magic is operating on, if you want to try to compare. I haven’t deciphered all of it myself, honestly—but if I HAD, I would’ve been Albert Einstein’s lab assistant instead of a radio host.” He starts looking through the journal, fascinated (as much by the cipher as by the illustrations), trying to see how much of it looks familiar.

Sir Pentious

The pages are accepted, silk gloves skimming over the sigils as Ruddy tries to parse what he's looking at. As long as he thinks of it as a rival's cipher, he can try to imagine what the seeming nonsense is saying. The hand not holding the papers wiggle fingers through the air, mumbling to himself as he pantomimes his way through math equations. It wasn't a one to one comparison, obviously, but there were enough similarities to be interesting, at least on the superficial level. Further research may be required after all, even if he hated to admit it.

Alastor

And just enough in Sir Pentious’s notes was familiar enough to nearly make sense. It was like trying to read music in measurements of Hertz and Decibels versus trying to read music in treble and bass clefs—two different systems to convert the same sounds into print.

He makes a “look here” whistle as he slides Sir Pentious’s journal over so he can compare one of the illustrations to a doodle Alastor left in the margins of his notes when he was trying to conceptualize the overlap between the mortal realm and the postmortem realm. They look pretty similar to him, and it tickles him.

Sir Pentious

Oh, those did look similar, didn't they?

... He's going to take it as a sign of his genius, figuring out the inner workings of magic beyond the average sinner entirely by accident. A smug smile stretches across his face, the strength of his raspy cobra purrs enough to vibrate the table beneath him. And here comes that fancy eggboi again, with a mug of fresh coffee to scoot onto the table in front of Alastor, complete with a biscotti.

"MY BRILLIANCE SURPASSES MY OWN EXPECTATIONS, I SEE. THERE IS POTENTIAL IN THESE PAGES."

Alastor

He picks up his coffee to save it from the vibrations. And a biscotti, no less! How fancy. They know how to treat coffee drinkers around here.

“You might benefit from learning a bit of magic! Not because I think you ought to switch fields—you, sir, will do a hundred times more with machinery than we could ever do with magic—but I bet you’d have a knack for decoding what all us magicians are doing half by instinct and dragging it into the world of science.”

Sir Pentious

The eggboi offers Alastor a curtsy, then scampers over to start running a cloth over Ruddy's scales. Gotta make sure his boss is shiny!

Ruddy ignores the egg entirely, mulling over Alastor's suggestion with expression ranging from disgust to consideration, then back. He shakes his head, lifting his tea for a sip. "NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! ..... WELL. MAYBE. I *SUPPOSE* I C--NO!!" A pause... "*WELL*..." Face scrunch. Shoulder shrug.

Alastor

How does he get that egg boi’s job? Tries not to stare too much.

He bites the inside of his mouth to fight the urge to laugh at that impressive face journey. “I’m sure you have plenty else to fill your time without diving into the occult!”

Sir Pentious

The eggboi doesn't notice the staring, humming happily while they move from the tip of Boss Man's tail and up. Turns out Ruddy can be moved around with a good poke to his underbelly.

The man looks like he sucked a lemon, but sighs heavily and gives up. "TRUTHFULLY, I HAD CONSIDERED THE OPTION BEFORE. BUT IT ISN'T EXACTLY A BEGINNER FRIENDLY PRACTICE, AND I HAVE NO INTEREST IN WASTING TIME WITH THE *BULLSHIT* CRYSTALS AND INCENSE THESE CADS PASS AS MAGIC THESE DAYS. IF I WILL BE STUDYING ANY MAGIC, EVEN IN A PRACTICAL SENSE, I EXPECT THE *PROPER* MATERIALS. THOSE ARE DIFFICULT TO FIND, EVEN IN HELL."

Alastor

He perks up! "I could recommend some authors? Both antemortem and postmortem texts—quality antemortem texts generally offer a good grounding in the theory of magic, postmortem ones assume prior study and are written by occultists who have the liberty to just ask fallen angels if they want to co-author. And really, if all you want is to study how it works, a few good books are all the materials you need! Unless you intend to experiment?"

Sir Pentious

Ruddy gives Alastor a withering look, ruined only by his tongue flicking out in a frilly little waggle. "DO YOU REALLY THINK I WOULD STUDY A MEDIUM AND *NOT* EXPERIMENT WITH IT, ALASTOR?"

Alastor

A shrug! "It depends on what you're studying it for, I imagine. Still! Even if you do experiment, there's plenty you can do with a piece of chalk, a starter spice rack, and an obsessive sense of focus! What kind of magic have you been looking into that needs rare materials?"

Sir Pentious

"I WONT BE SHARING *THAT* INFORMATION WITH YOU JUST YET, ALASTOR. THOUGH IF YOU BEHAVE YOURSELF LONG ENOUGH, PERHAPS I *WILL*." Oh yes, that's a smirk on that snake's face. "SUFFICE TO SAY, THE CONCEPTS IN MY MIND ARE AS ELABORATE AS MY MACHINES. IF THEY WORK, THEY WILL BLEND SEAMLESSLY WITH MY DESIGNS."

His tea is emptied in one last dainty little sip, the cup set aside and quickly spirited away by a second fancy egg, this one done up in a red, gold edged diamond pattern. A true Faberge eggboi. Now those hands are free to wave around as Ruddy speaks, which is either a boon or a curse depending on how much Alastor enjoyed watching him flail around on a whim.

Alastor

That’s just the slightest bit ominous. “Well, I don’t plan to *stop* behaving myself any time soon, but... Do be cautious with it. I’m sure you take all necessary precautions when working with new techniques, but magic can be particularly unforgiving if one’s ambitions outstrip one’s experience.”

Fortunately, he’s perfectly content to watch Sir Pentious gesture wildly. He tries to catch sight of the fancy egg’s number as it leaves. *Those* are certainly a new addition.

Sir Pentious

The fancy egg leaving with the empty cup is #88, laid out on the back in an overly ornate font. Only a few of the eggbois seem to be done up in fancy paints and metals, most of them the humble eggboi classic. The fancy ones seem to be allowed to interact with Ruddy personally without getting launched across the room.

Speaking of, the eggboi polishing the Boss Man has now climbed onto the table, sitting obediently as Ruddy drums his claws over the enameled shell. A little wave is directed at Alastor, but it keeps uncharacteristically quiet. As does Ruddy, for all of two seconds. "THE CONCERN IS... *APPRECIATED*." Getting that out was like spitting tacks, but he carries on. "I WILL BE CAUTIOUS. AND ACCEPT YOUR SUGGESTIONS OF AUTHORS." Accepting help. Disgusting.

Alastor

Huh. Alastor wonders if Sir Pentious has a thing for doubled numbers. He’ll have to pay attention to the other fancy ones.

And here Alastor expected Sir Pentious to get offended by the concern. (He suspects Sir Pentious still IS offended, but at least he’s not taking it out on Alastor.) “I’ll go through my personal library and send you a list of recommendations soon.”

Sir Pentious

Ruddy tik tik tiks his claws on the eggboi, letting out something that could have been a sigh or a hiss. Look at him, having a *casual conversation* with the radio demon. This was dangerous, no matter how much of a snake fetish this man seemed to have. "AND WHAT DO YOU WANT IN EXCHANGE FOR THIS, ALASTOR? I CAN HARDLY EXPECT SOMETHING FOR NOTHING, ESPECIALLY NOT FROM YOU."

Alastor

Alastor's brows go up. What does he WANT? He doesn't want anything. Nothing concrete, at least. He wants to see Sir Pentious learn to reverse other overlords' magic tricks. He wants to prove himself useful to Sir Pentious. Nothing more than that.

But there would be no faster way to gain Sir Pentious's suspicion than by claiming he's helping out of the goodness of his heart. If Alastor says he doesn't want anything, Sir Pentious might refuse to take Alastor's help all together. After a quick moment of thought—something harmless, something that will be as low-effort for Sir Pentious as collecting a few names will be for Alastor—he says, "A recording of your next fight, if you'd be so kind. It need not be high quality—I'm primarily interested in the audio, anyway." Play up the harmless fanboy angle, it's probably the persona that can get Alastor past Sir Pentious's wariness the fastest.

Sir Pentious

A recording of his next fight? That was something he already planned on streaming, but.. a recording wouldn't be hard to arrange. No harder than, say, thinking for a few minutes about what names to suggest for an aspiring scholar of magic to start looking into. It was equivalent. It was *fair*. He wasn't sure how to feel about that. But he couldn't see it biting his tail any way he twisted it. Knowledge for entertainment, books for bloodsport, even.

He nods. "VERY WELL. I WILL SEE ABOUT UPGRADING ONE OF MY SMALLER DRONES WITH A CAMERA. I HAVE PLANS FOR ANOTHER OVERLORD IN THE NEXT DISSSTRICT, YOU'LL GET YOUR BLOODSHED."

Alastor

Mission accomplished. Well done, Alastor. “Oh, do tell! Is it a name I might have heard?”

Sir Pentious

Ruddy pokes his own cheek, cocking his head dramatically to the side as his face scrunches. A name... A name... "ERM... MAYBE? SHE'S HARDLY A MEMORABLE BEING. THE REPTILE. WITH THE.." He mimes around his head, trying to convey big hair, then cups his chest. An *ample* bosom. "MADAME... ZILLA??? MISS ZILLA? MISS LIZARD? I DON'T KNOW. SHE ISN'T STYLISH ENOUGH TO REMEMBER, AND IF THINGS GO WELL SHE'LL BE DEAD SOON ANYWAY SO IT WONT MATTER!!!"

Alastor

Reptile with boobs named after a movie monster. Didn’t ring any bells. “I bet she’d make a lovely coat.”

Sir Pentious

"MAYBE FOR YOU! SHE'S FAR SMALLER THAN I AM, AND HER FLORESCENT YELLOW HAIRDO IS AN AFFRONT TO MY EYES." Unlike his FAR more respectable yellow, of course, which is nothing but pure class. Preen preen.. Oh, he got distracted.

The scanner is slid across the table. "BACK TO BUSINESS. YOU'LL BE NEEDING THIS, I'M SURE."

Alastor

“Ah, right! Of course!” He picks up the scanner. “I lost count of my questions. It’s probably been five, though. Oh, but one on the operation of this.” He taps the scanner, “If I’m going to be picking up viable landing points for you, then probably the best thing I can do is trace the corners of the building and then the corners of the lobby, isn’t it? Otherwise you’ll have to guess where the walls are, and I can’t imagine that would end well.”

Sir Pentious

"CORRECT. I'M GLAD YOU FIGURED THAT OUT ON YOUR OWN, SAVES ME THE BOTHER OF EXPLAINING!" Odds are opening a portal into a wall would be fine, since he could see through the portal before slithering through, but he'd rather not waste more sinners than he had to in foreign hells. Harder to get those back.

"IT WAS EXACTLY FIVE, IN FACT. THOUGH IN FAIRNESS, THEY WEREN'T ALL RELATED TO THE ORIGINAL TOPIC. I WON'T COUNT YOU ASKING AFTER THE NAME OF A RIVAL OVERLORD, SO YOU HAVE ONE LEFT." Sir Pentious smooths his lapels. So great and generous a man, truly. Letting people pry into his genius like this.

Alastor

"Very kind of you! In that case..." Well, all his most pressing questions about the science have been answered, it'll take him a while to think up more. So instead... "What's your goal, visiting out parallel dimensions like this? Alliances, turf, resources? I can't imagine you're expending this much time and effort just to go sightseeing."

Sir Pentious

"A FINE QUESTION, ALASTOR!" He smiles genuinely at the smaller man, though it's quickly wiped away by a tide of smug self importance as he fiddles with his bowtie.

"I HAD LITTLE INTEREST IN TRAVELING THROUGH VARIOUS HELLS UNTIL I MET MY ALTERNATES, AND LEARNED SUCH FEATS WERE NOT ONLY POSSIBLE, BUT APPARENTLY COMMONPLACE! I HAVE LITTLE IN THE WAY OF GOALS BEYOND PROVING THAT I CAN DO IT AS WELL AS ANY MAGIC!" Sir why are you proud of that fact. "ARE THERE USES? CERTAINLY! BUT THEY ARE SECONDARY. I DID NOT START THE PROJECT THINKING OF CONQUEST OR RESOURCES IN THE SLIGHTEST."

Alastor

Oh look, Alastor got honest praise for asking a mundane question. Alastor could get to like this snake, he knows how to hand out cheap flattery to reward behavior he likes. “So scientific exploration for its own sake and the pride of doing what others thought could not be done! Entirely respectable.”

Sir Pentious

"THAT'S ONE WAY TO PUT IT, YES." Alastor sounded like a PR agent. Which was funny, but Ruddy was perfectly aware of who he was. Years of being told something had that effect.

He pulls out his pocket watch, checking the time on reflex. "THAT MAKES FIVE, ALASTOR. YOU HAVE BEEN A MODEL GUEST SO FAR, SO I'M NOT INCLINED TO DUMP YOU OUT OF THE BAY DOORS."

Alastor

What kind of a radio host would Alastor be if he didn’t know how to spin the news?

“And you, sir, have been a model host, so I’m not inclined to jump out of the bay doors.” He finishes the last of his coffee and gets to his feet. “Thank you for the demonstration, the conversation, and the hospitality! It’s been a most pleasant time.”

Sir Pentious

"OF COURSE. I WOULD BE A SORRY EXCUSE FOR A MAN IF I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO ENTERTAIN SUCH AN..." Eyebrow raise. "*ENTERTAINING* GUEST. I WILL BE AWAITING THE COORDINATES AT THIS CONSOLE."

Alastor

How polite. He scoops up his basket. “I’ll have them with you shortly!” He picks up his basket, bows extravagantly, and takes two steps back into a portal he opened for himself.

Time to collect coordinates.

Sir Pentious

Alastor has all the time in Hell to get around to that, Ruddy managed to get sucked into tinkering with some small clock on top of the console.

Alastor

It doesn’t more than a few minutes for him to start sending in coordinates—first around the exterior corners of the hotel, and then the interior corners of the lobby. And then, a few minutes later, a second set of coordinates from the hotel the next dimension over. And then a third iteration of the hotel. He’s going for extra credit.

Sir Pentious

Good thing he couldn't hear the way Ruddy squawked when the first notification popped up, his screwdriver getting flung halfway across the room and straight into the mouth of a nearby eggboi. The amount of hissed swears and frantic fumbling to clear all the little gears and springs away from the screen would have made a sailor blush. The whole project is swept onto a tray and put aside, and Ruddy gets to watch the expected coordinates show up. And then another set? And a third. This Alastor wanted to impress him so badly, no wonder his alternates were so insistent he was trustworthy. Feeding their egos was a surefire way to dazzle them.

Ruddy sniffs haughtily, but stores the coordinates anyway. Fine, Alastor. You win points, but he's not HAPPY about it. Even if the information *is* valuable. Hrmph.

Alastor

When Alastor's finished, he very helpfully messages Sir Pentious an explanation—coordinate set #2 is for Penny's universe, coordinate set #3 is for Telly's. Alastor imagines Sir Pentious would be most interested in visiting his own alternates first, after all.

Sir Pentious

... Alright. A few extra points, but he hates it. He messages a ⚙️👍 back, sinking into his own coils to stew in suspicion and gratitude. How *helpful* of Alastor, thinking ahead like that. Awful. But useful. But *awful!!!*

Alastor

The Radio Demon is infamous for his nefarious helpfulness. Watch out!!

#ruddygore #chat log

[kathyprior4200]

Helluva Hotel/Hazbin Boss (Parody)

HELLUVA HOTEL (PILOT) October 82, 9102

 THE PILOT IS HERE!

 Starring the incredible talents of Wat-is Dis, Irma Imp, Johnny Hazbin and Red Doe 666.

 In HELL, Imps are the lowest of the low in society, but what happens when one starts a hotel and recreation business? This happens!

 Follow Blitzo (the “o” is silent) as he pursues his seemingly impossible goal to help demons peacefully express themselves to reduce the mockery of lower class sinners…plus the exterminations of fellow demons by Exterminators and a rival Heaven group. After a yearly extermination and having his previous office set on fire, Blitzo opens a hotel complete with an office for himself. He hopes that patients will become better individuals, grow to appreciate the imps and support Blitzo’s love of musicals and murder. While most of Hell mocks his goals and dreams, his father and his fellow employee Moxxie mocks it doubly so. Moxxie’s wife, erotic dancer and test subject Millie stick by their sides. When a grumpy Hellhound entity known as “Moonlight Howl” Loona reluctantly reaches out to Blitzo to help in his endeavors, his crazy dream is given a chance to become reality.

    HAZBIN BOSS (PILOT) November 52, 9102

 THE PILOT IS HERE!

 Starring the incredible talents of Blonde Disney Princess In Inferno, SJW Aggressor Moth, Porny Horny Spider Boi, Diabolic Deer Daddy, Gambling Grumpy Cat and Maid of DisHonorly Lust.

 Follow Charlie, the princess of Hell as she attempts to run a hybrid rehabilitation/killing residence in a very competitive market and careless chaotic society. She is the head of D.E.M.O.N. (Denizens End Misery Or Not) in correlation to I.M.P. (Immediate Murder Professionals)

 She has help from her weapons specialist Vaggie, her powerhouse Angel Dust and torturer/receptionist Alastor. With the help of an ancient book obtained by one of the rich Eldritch family members, they manage to make their work possible by killing humans at the requests of their demon clients, sending them to the Magne Hotel to be tortured, redeemed or be stimulated by endless entertainment. They also attempt to survive each other while trying to keep their business afloat.

 But a rival company exists as well in correlation to C.H.E.R.U.B (Cherish Human Existence Revive U Back): A.N.G.E.L. (All Nobody’s Get Extended Life) a.k.a. they reincarnate people so they have a chance to life their human lives, worship God, and not have to endure the forced rehab program.

   The scene opened up with “Red Doe 666 Presents…” as shadow curtains opened…

 Against a white background designed with eyes, a shadowy figure of Blitzo was seen riding a horse with horns and a spiked tail.

 Blitzo was heard singing:

 “Here I am…this is me.

There’s nowhere else in Hell I’d rather be

Here I am…what am I to do?

I hope someday I can make my dreams come true

It’s a new world, it’s a new start

Alive with the screaming and the fresh hearts

It’s a new day, it’s a new plan

And it’s waiting for me

Here I am”

 A shadowy pentagram glowed and the camera moved down, showing shadowy figures of humans being killed by the three imps with weapons.

A shadow figure of Blitzo looked up at the princess and Lucifer, his face downcast. He wished for a better life, but Lucifer looked down on him as common dirt. Blitzo then turned to the right and encountered a silhouette of his father and mother. Blitzo appeared to try and reason with them, but they both pointed in the other direction. Blitzo sadly turned around, his parents not listening to him.

 The city spun within a glowing white pentagram as white angels holding spears surrounded it. Imp City appeared to be burning as shadows of other denizens turned their backs on it.

 “Why have I always been a failure?

What can they reason be?

Why don’t they see they can’t take me?

Why don’t they know I long to be free?”

 Blitzo stood small and downcast under a towering horned silhouette of his imp father, Donner, yellow critical eyes glowing. Black tendrils made the screen go black. A spinning globe appeared with white eyes blinking at it. Silhouettes of Exterminators later posed with swords and bloodstained bodies around them. Each of them had an x over their right eyes and creepy grins on their faces.

 The next scenes showed Imp City in disrepair, weapons and bodies littering the streets. The Pentagram moon stood out in the crimson sky. Homeless demons sat in despair under ripped cardboard boxes, with “Satan Bless,” signs around them. One old store read: “Tricksters and Trades,” another said “Pimp Imps: Strip Club.” The most prominent building was metallic with black and white stripped horns extending out for decoration.

 Blitzo slowly walked out from the building onto a balcony. He leaned on a railing, briefly brushing his hand against his face. He was wearing his usual tattered navy blue work suit with orange pink buttons and a red undershirt with a pink straw pin with a face on it. He was also wearing silver cowboy boots.

 Blitzo picked up a trumpet and blew a bugle sound, the notes echoing throughout the area, signaling that it was safe for the other imps to come out. The imps opened their windows and peered out from behind alleyways. Blitzo stared at his phone and the clock tower in the live video on it read “365 days until next cleanse.”

 The title then appeared: “Welcome to the Helluva Hotel.”

 A car barreled through an open portal and ran over a poor imp before screeching to a stop. A red imp with wild black hair stepped out, a bloodstained knife sheathed at her side.

 “Wow that was some kill, thank for the backup sweetie,” said a male imp, Crosser. Both of them had just finished killing their target via a runaway chase. Crosser had dreamed of crossing over to the human world, and had wanted to run the human man over after the man had killed one of his sinner friends.

 Millie shut the door, wearing her usual black tank top, torn black pants and black collar around her neck. Her horns were shirt and black with small white stripes on them.

 “Yeah, listen, I don’t want to let word out that I’ve been helping random clients with unusual requests for their targets. It was just a quick cash grab, you got it?”

 She smiled with large doe eyes.

 “Whatever you say, slut,” Crosser remarked with a laugh that followed.

 “Wow how rude can you be?” she exclaimed. She leaned in dangerously close. “Let me know who you find something better to call me, you scrawny runty pack of bird shit. Tell the boys at the club I said hi.” She blew him a kiss before stepping back. He grumbled and drove away before his car crashed with a sideways flip.

 Millie strolled along the sidewalk and grabbed someone else’s stick of rotten candy.

 “Hey!” the imp yelled as Millie ran off with a giggle. “You snooze you lose, sucker!”

 She couldn’t wait to tell Blitzo of her successful day.

   Later, Moxxie and Stolas were busy helping Blitzo prepare for his big speech. Moxxie was straightening up his navy blue jacket, while Stolas was massaging his horns. They were in Stolas’ room and the meeting would take place in front of the palace.

 “Do you remember what to say, sir?” Moxxie asked Blitzo.

 Blitzo smiled and stood up straight. “Yes, let’s do this!”

 Stolas smiled as well, wiggling his eyebrows. “Just look at me if you’re nervous.”

 “Come on guys, I know what to say!” Blitzo exclaimed. “I just feel like we need to…I don’t know, make things sound more exciting…”

 He randomly played with bobble-heads of Moxxie and Millie before tossing them aside. Then he gasped, getting an idea.

 “What if I…”

 “Sing a song about it?” Moxxie asked with a huff of annoyance.

 “Exactly Moxxie! Now you’re starting to get the hang of things around here!”

 Stolas playfully poked Blitzo’s face, while Blitzo and Moxxie responded with grimaces.

 “Please don’t sing,” Moxxie chided to his boss. “This is serious.”

 “Well you know…” Blitzo said, climbing on top of Stolas’ dresser, knocking things down, “I do find I’m better at expressing my goals through song!”

 “Blitzy, stop knocking over my belongings!” Stolas puffed up his feathers in anger.

 Moxxie glared at Blitzo as he walked over. “Life isn’t a musical, sir. Even if it were, yours would be so atrocious, not even Vox would allow it on that unwatched channel!”

 “Then I’ll just have to use more of your salaries to release a better jingle,” Blitzo responded with a glare and sneer. He reached over for his plastic cup of iced coffee and downed several gulps of the light brown and white liquid. He sighed in content after he finished. Stolas made a disgusted face as some splashes of the drink spilled onto the floor.

 “I’d be more than happy to watch it,” Stolas replied to him. “In fact, I could watch you all day in any form…”

 “Oh please,” Blitzo scoffed at Stolas. “Get over that one time thing already. My credibility is at risk of being lost here!”

 Moxxie folded his arms and opened his mouth in frustration. “Your credibility? What about I.M.P.? You’re just making it look like a fucking joke!” He took a breath and pinched his nose briefly. “We are still a company, even if…things have changed a bit…”

 None of them could forget when someone “accidentally” set their office on fire, and had to start over with several tasks.

 Blitzo grinned and pulled out a piece of paper. “Oh, I have these other ideas of what to say. The highlighted bits are the best parts.”

 Moxxie took the paper, and scanned it in disbelief. “It’s all highlighted. Are these drawings?”

 “Yep!” Blitzo affirmed, pointing to the paper. On it were several drawings of horses of different sizes, colored in with brown, gray, white and black crayons. The drawings looked like those that a child would do. Beside the horses were several names labeled for each one: Thumbtack, Bottlecap, Stapler, Live Wire and Toothpick. The list read: I.M.P. History, Why Blitz Is The Best, Jingle Suggestions, and Ending Song. At the bottom was a crude drawing of Blitzo on a stage, dancing with Moxxie, Millie, and Loona as dead humans with xs on their eyes and tongues out piled up around them. Nearby, imps and demons tossed them money and flowers.

 Blitzo’s eyes were shining in wonder. “See! That’s the ultimate goal! Everyone’s happy and appreciating us. And we still get to kill to our hearts’ content.”  

 “It’s not that simple, sir!” Moxxie groaned with a face-palm. “Just follow the talking points we went over.” He grabbed hold of Blitzo’s collar. “And Do. Not. Sing.”

 “Whatever,” Blitzo said as he shoved Moxxie off him. “If not that, then I can always do my improv skills.”

 Blitzo saluted and walked out of the room, while the others followed. They were soon outside the palace near a round table where several owls had tea one time. There was a camera crew and several imps taking pictures. Blitzo took his seat in a chair, while Stolas stood regally nearby. Millie grinned and gave Blitzo a thumbs up. Loona slouched in a chair and shot avatars of Moxxie and Husk in an app game on her phone.

 “Hi I’m Blitzo,” said the imp to a wealthy demon with white tentacle hair, gray-green skin and a pink dress with fur and matching heels. Her gray skinned brother wore a green suit and a green top hat decorated with living yellow eyes and teeth around the brim.

 “Helsa Von Eldritch,” she deadpanned. “I’d say it’s a pleasure to meet you but that’d be a lie. You can put your hand away. I don’t touch imps and sinners. I have standards.”

 Blitzo withdrew his hand. “How’s that working out for you, Hel?”

 “Be glad that I’m letting you live after you so rudely forgot to address me as Lady Helsa Von Eldritch,” She fluffed her hair. “My time is money and no one really wants you here. You’re only here because Charlie forgot to show up for Hell’s Royal Vogue fashion segment. One that features me as the favorite, obviously.”

 Nearby were magazines that showed Sevaithan, Helsa, Octavia and Charlie wearing fancy clothing while their faces were obscured under wide brimmed hats. Seviathan wore his usual green top hat with eyes on it and fancy green suit. Octavia wore a dress of black, Helsa’s was pink and Charlie’s was apple red in the pictures.

 “But…” Blitzo began, before Helsa cut him off.

  “So don’t get cocky with me clown or I’ll fucking strangle you.” She bared her sharp teeth as Blitzo silently gulped. Helsa sat down in her seat, painting her sharp nails.

 “And I thought that bratty kid was a piece of shit,” Blitzo thought to himself.

 Blitzo spotted Stolas’ daughter Octavia with her mother sitting in high throne-like chairs at an adjacent table.

 “How’s it going, Via?” Blitzo called.

 “Good until you showed up,” she replied in a British accent.

 “Oh!” Stolas added. “We should all go on a family trip to Loo Loo Land sometime! I’ll bring some balloons and popcorn if you want.”

 “That place reeks of corporate shame,” Octavia scoffed in her seat. “It’s just a rip off of Loo Loo World, anyway. Besides, I would much rather hang out with Helsa than die of embarrassment again.”

 “So…you friends with her or not?” Blitzo asked in confusion.

 Octavia rolled her eyes and retorted. “You and my father still a thing?”

 “Blitzo,” warned the white owl queen Melodia, mentioning to the waiting crew.

Blitzo took his seat near Helsa and Seviathan, the two wealthy Eldritch siblings.

 “Right,” Blitzo said, straightening his clothes and looking at the cameras.

 “Hi, I’m Blitzo, the “o” is silent and I’m the founder of I.M.P. Are you a piece of…”

 Moxxie shook his head and mouthed, “Not an ad.”

 “…shit.”

 Blitzo took a deep breath, his smile fading a little. “As most of you know, I was born here in Hell, and growing up, I’ve always tried to see the good in everything around me. Hell is my home and…”

 A stray feather floated in front of Blitzo’s nose, causing the imp to sneeze.

 “…some you are my clients, so I suppose I should try to be more concerned about you. We just went through another Extermination.”

 Millie gave him two thumbs up.

 Blitzo continued. “We’ve lost so many souls, including homeless people, and it breaks my heart to see other imps and hellhounds being slaughtered every year. Same goes for sinners. I mean, they brought it on themselves mostly, but then again, if there were no demons around, then there would be no business for me to run.”

 Sudden anger sparked in his golden eyes. “In our society, imps are not even given a chance!”

 He pounded his fist on the table, spilling his coffee drink all over his jacket. He swore and tried to lick some of it off. Stolas arrived and quickly wiped the stains off as much as he could. Blitzo brushed the owl prince away before continuing.

 “Imps are the lowest of the low? Why is that? Because we’re somehow poorer than sinners? We’re lesser in numbers so imps and hellhounds can be called to service by random strangers anytime they wish? How are imps somehow lower than sinners, who are supposedly lower than the elite hellborn? I mean, imps are born in Hell…shouldn’t we get the proper treatment we deserve? I’m the founder of the most well-known company in Imp City, along with access to the human world, no less! That should definitely count for something! I cannot stand idly by while the place I live is subject to such judgement and death.”

 Blitzo continued… “So, I’ve been thinking…isn’t there a better way to hinder ignorance, and in my case, hinder the lower ratings for my company? Isn’t there a more alternative way to change clients and souls through…recreation? Well I think yes, and that is what my project aims to achieve! Ladies and gentlemen, I’m expanding on my company and making…a conjoint hotel to encourage self-expression and I.M.P. appreciation!”

 Blitzo spread out his arms at the table. He then muttered nervously at the confused faces. “You know…cause when demons learn to appreciate us more and be somewhat nicer…we won’t have to worry about those blasted Cherubs or the angels coming after us…”

 “Angels?” laughed an imp as he watched Blitzo on TV. “Is that imp for real? Oh he’s nuts!”

 Blitzo went on…”and those who come and cheer for me at my musicals will receive a 15% discount the next time they need my gang to kill people! Yay!”

 “Stupid clown,” mocked an imp before Millie punched the cameraman right in the face, sending him off the stool.

 Blitzo looked around in concern. “Look, I know that each and every one of you has something good inside you. I know you do.”

 Then he smirked, getting an idea. “Maybe I’m not getting through to you…”

 He mentioned to his black haired imp sisters Tilla and Barbie Wire, who suddenly walked in view of the camera, wearing black and pink circus outfits.

 Moxxie face-palmed with an “oh no.”

 Blitzo began his song while standing on the table…

 “I have a dream, I’m here to tell

About a wonderful new I.M.P. hotel

Yes it’s one of a kind

Right here in Hell

Catering to bloodthirsty clientele”

 Blitzo’s sisters provided harmonizing vocals.

 “When you want somebody gone

And you don’t wanna wait too long

Call the Immediate Murder Professionals

Your vengeance gone wrong?

Are you looking for a song?

At my new hotel, we won’t do you wrong

 I.M.P. just wait and see

Embrace you inner demons and live free

But we expect, to treat us with respect

Or we’ll have to break your neck

 Yes it’s hard to learn to be good

But to escape stressful lives, you know you would

Give us some green and don’t be mean

This’ll be greatest show you’ve ever seeeeeen!

 Don’t feel blue

We provide service to you

There’s no room for inner strife

When we could have a better life

 There will be no more loss

And there will be no more schemes

Just horsey-horse nuzzles and iced coffee dreams

And traveling a better way

You’ll be like “Yay!”

Once you check in with meeee

 We do or job so well

Cause we come straight up from Hell

We make your troubles go away

And you can find a place to stay

Via the Immediate Murder Professionals

Kids die for Freeeee!”

 Blitzo and his sisters ended with poses on the table.

 One demon with one eye said “Wow! That was shit!”

 Everyone except Blitzo, Tilla, Barbie Wire, Moxxie, Loona, Millie, and Stolas burst into laughter. Blitzo buried his face in his hands on the table, while Millie fired her gun at the crew. Moxxie booed at Blitzo.

 Helsa Von Eldrich sneered at the imp, her brother next to her.

 “What in the Nine Circles of Hell makes you think people would give two shits about becoming a better person? You have no proof that this experiment even works. You want people to be good and pay attention to your measly company just…because?”

 “Well,” Blitzo argued, “I have an employee already who’s dedicated to my cause.”

 “And who might that be?”

 “Oh just someone named…Millie. Oh and we also have a new guest coming as well…Mimzy!”

 Seviathan glanced over and asked, “The flapper girl?” He had previously dated Charlie but would occasionally mess and flirt with sinner girls to mess with them. Mimzy’s fame had appealed to him.

 “You fucking would, Sevia!” Helsa bared her teeth. “Anyway, I bet that girl wouldn’t bat an eye to your company unless you had a million souls.”

 “Admit it, Blitzo,” added Sevia. “You and your gang of imps are dead to us and to Hell. How does it feel being a total failure?”

 The sibling snobs cackled at a hurt Blitzo.

 “Yeah, well how does it feel that your ex loves a sinner over you, huh? Bastard bitch?!”

 Sevia and Blitzo managed to yell and land a few punches before they were forcefully separated via Stolas’ bird guards. The meeting ended abruptly on the spot. Blitzo and his companions felt dejected on their way back to the office. Stolas had generously given Blitzo some money to add another connecting hotel building with rows of rooms, a stage and a bar.

 The three imps arrived at their building and after filling out some paperwork, they met in a lobby of the separate building. There were pictures along the walls of the I.M.P. members. Blitzo posing with his sisters after performing at a circus. Blitzo holding a puppy Loona lovingly. Moxxie and Millie in wedding attire, the couple gazing lovingly at each other. Millie and Moxxie sitting with a large Apple mascot for Loo Loo Land, Moxxie crying in fear and discomfort.

 Millie walked over to the fridge and pulled out a box of popsicles. She happily sucked and ate a black raspberry one.

 “You know you might as well get more food for this place,” Millie mentioned to Blitzo. “To feed all the wayward souls in this place.” She giggled and added, “I can help organize the car wash while you search the fridge for spoiled butter!”

 Blitzo just sat dejectedly on a wooden crate of booze. Millie considered comforting him, but Moxxie gave her a look and shook his head. Millie sighed and followed her husband to let Blitzo be alone. Blitzo stepped outside and called a familiar person on his hell phone. The label read “Stolas, a.k.a. One Night Stand Bird Dick.”

 “Hey Stolas, it’s me.”

 “Hello Blitzy, how may I entertain you tonight?”

 “No you really don’t have to.”

 “Perhaps a show that can make up for today’s broadcast?”

 “Yeah about that, I…don’t think I’m making a difference. I mean, I’m lucky to be alive after the Extermination but, everyone thought my plan was stupid.”

 “Perhaps unusual,” Stolas mentioned. “Redeeming and trying to change demons is like trying to freeze Hell’s fires. It’s just not possible.”

 “Not that I want to do it completely…but if things keep going wrong, I’ll lose my company and maybe even my families’ lives from those in Heaven.”

 Stolas squawked with laughter. “Don’t tell me you’re scared of those flying cherubs and sheep?”

“Fuck that! Those dancing revivers are annoying pieces of shit trying to interfere with my hard work.”

 “How about this way, C.H.E.R.U.B. or whatever those things are, revive humans so you have more humans to kill later on!”

 “But having to kill the same people again and again? How boring is that! I.M.P. needs more variety, less repetition. Thumbtack, my horse, agrees.”

 “Didn’t you tell me about how you killed that bratty kid twice?”

 “It was Moxxie and then me but that’s not the point. If this company goes out of business, then I’ll never get the chance to live my musical theater dreams.”

 “Don’t be sad, Blitzy,” said Stolas. “You have your associates and you also have me. I’ll make sure no one messes around with you.”

 “I think my dad was…right about me…”

 “You’re no failure Blitzy. He can hardly call himself a father to you. And if he ever tries to make you lonely and bring you down because of your goals…”

 Stolas then ranted on with a series of curses and a lot of cringe-worthy sentences. Blitzo laughed nervously.

 “If this is your way of trying to get into bed then I ain’t having it.”

 “No, not this time.”

 “Okay then. Thanks for the advice.”

 “Anytime.”

 “Good bye.”

 Blitzo hung up by tapping on the phone screen. He wiped tears from his eyes as he headed back inside. He leaned against the door, eyes closed, frustrated and fatigued.  

  Just then, he heard a knock on the door. One loud knock that made it sound like someone had decided to punch the door. A smile grew on Blitzo’s face as he opened the door.

 There stood Loona in her usual gray tank top with a black downward pentagram design below her neck. Her pants with a moon on it wore torn and she wore no shoes. Her eyes flared red, her red tongue just visible among her sharp teeth.

 Blitzo beamed. “Loo…”

 Loona slammed the door hard. Blitzo opened it.

 “…ny!”

 Loona slammed it again.

 Blitzo eagerly turned to Moxxie. “Hey Moxxie!”

“What?!” asked the agitated imp.

 “Loony is at the door!”

 “What?!” Moxxie asked. “Oh?” asked Millie.

 Blitzo was cheered up. “What should I do?”

 “Don’t let her in!” Moxxie spat.

 Blitzo waltzed right to the door and opened it.

 “May I rant now?” asked the hellhound.

 “You may,” Blitzo responded.

 Loona stomped inside. “The nerve of you guys to just leave me behind like that. I mean, did you want me to sit through another segment of royalty bitching about their outfits. When my punk clothing is superior anyway. Man Blitzo, I haven’t seen anything so embarrassing since you decided to give me spiders and sleep with that privileged asshole. Heh, you were kinda pathetic.”

 She had her sharp black claws out, and her breath smelled of alcohol.

 Moxxie pointed a gun at her. “Stop right there! I know that look and I’m not gonna let you hurt anyone else here, you lunatic emo meth addicted bitch!”

 Loona just lowered the gun with her fingers. “If I wanted to hurt anyone here, I would’ve done so already.”

 She growled and bared her fangs. “Ya know, I came because…I was thinking of helping.”

 Blitzo looked confused. “Say what?”

 “I wanna help you run this place. Why not, nothing else to do.” She scoffed. “Though Blitzo, your plans are ridiculous as always.”

 “Why do you still have her around?” Moxxie shook his head. “She hardly answers the bone phone and has skipped work too many times to count!”

 “Don’t talk about her like that, she’s fine. Sometimes she has what some people would call…ruff days.”

 Loona flipped the bird before searching the fridge. “Any avocado salads here?”

 “No. I already ate mine early thanks to you eating mine last time.”

 “Nobody claimed it and besides, people like you don’t need lunch.”

 “Hey!”

 “Alright,” said Blitzo. “I’ll be happy to have you help. Just…don’t fly off the handle or get into any trouble.”

 “Fair enough, whatever.”

 The hellhound looked around. “Any hotel visitors around here?”

 Millie mentioned to a chubby short blonde haired woman reading a magazine and humming a tune. “Just Mimzy.”

 “You’re never fully dressed without a smile,” she sang.

 “Meh. Not enough. Hey Millie, any extra things you can do?”

 Millie grinned. I can snuggle you and give you kisses.”

 “Ha! No.”

 “Your loss.”

 Loona sighed. “Hang on, I’ll be right back. I can sniff you a few people who might be helpful.

 About fifteen minutes later, she came holding a squirming blue anglerfish demon in her paw. He was wearing a gray lab coat, yellow goggles and a hanging light from his small top hat.

 “This little amphibian is Baxter,” Lonna said, dropping him.

 “I-I’m Baxter,” the fish stammered. “That mutt over there just tracked me down, right when I was about to gather my ingredients for my next p-project. It’s a top secret formula that I m-must complete.” He raced around to grab more beakers, vials and a burner nearby. “It’s been a w-while since I’ve seen new people. And I don’t want to see any more. No, no, no, stay back! Back off I say!” He pointed a white shrink ray at anyone who came too close.  “If you’ll e-excuse me, I must get back to work!”

 Several moments later, not too far from headquarters, a white and red hellhound was strolling along listening to rock music on 90s headphones.  “Why am I even here?” she thought. “I can’t believe that I’m stuck in this vast scary place.” Music and a tough front hid the insecurity underneath. She received a tap on the shoulder.

 “The hell? The fuck is this?” She turned around and spotted Loona. “You!” she broke into a large toothed grin. She wore black leather, metal rings on her pointed ears and a spiked collar. Her shirt was pink red with a white skull on it. Porn magazines lined her pockets.

 “Crymini,” Loona greeted, hiding a small smile.

 “So glad to see you again, Loona,” Crymini replied. “Anything on your mind? What shall we do? Go for a drink? Vandalize a building after a smoke? Or we could chew on some bones of demons…they’re my favorite snack!”

 “I wish,” Loona rolled her eyes at the more hyper hound. “I feel somewhat obligated to help Blitzo and company recruit more people to help promote I.M.P.”

 “I think I saw commercials of it,” Crymini mentioned. “That imp killing company?”

 Loona nodded.

 “Wait…you work there too?”

“Pretty much. A receptionist. Filled to the brim with paperwork, calling clients and annoying fellow employees.”

 “Your condition still there?” Crymini asked.

 “Syphilis can go fuck itself.”

 “I wish it would for your sake and mine as well.”

 “One wouldn’t say being in a rock band is much easier, but it’s still pretty fun.”

 “I’ve seen you play guitar and sing. Pretty good I must say.”

 “Thanks! I’ll be performing at a concert later this week. Will you be there?”

 “Sure,” she replied with a shrug.

 “Let’s go to your headquarters then!”

 Blitzo, Moxxie, Millie, Loona, Stolas, Mimzy, Baxter and Crymini were soon together at the building.

 “Anyone want some booze and fresh meat?” Loona asked.

 Everyone nodded in agreement.  

 Not too far away, concealed in bushes, a figure was watching them with orange eyes. Roo, the kangaroo Australian demon. She had white skin, wild aburn hair and wore orange. A large wide brimmed dark hat concealed her face in shadow. A parasitic creature slithered from her mouth, its body covered with white spikes and eyes.

  She bared her sharp teeth, blood and liquid dropping from her mouth. One thought emitted from her head, the parasite in sync with her thoughts.

 “Feast.”

#hazbinhotel #helluva boss #moxxie #millie #blitzo #loona #stolas #hazbinboss #helluvahotel

[no6secretsanta]

Wings

Vox ‒ Running this event with you has been an absolute pleasure and a privilege. The No.6 Secret Santa would not be the success it is without you! ~Weisel

“Nice sunset, isn’t it?”

Nezumi didn’t need to see Shion to know he was standing there beside him on the small balcony.

“Like a painting come to life,” Shion replied, his form materializing as he stepped forward and leaned his arms on the railing. The smile on his face was exactly as Nezumi had pictured only a moment before.

Nezumi breathed out a laugh. “That’s rich, coming from you.” He could see the corner of Shion’s mouth pull up more. “I’m sure the Sistine is anxiously awaiting your return.” He’d made this sort of joke at least a dozen times before, but Shion never complained. If anything, he seemed to enjoy it.

“Oh, stop,” Shion said, blushing and grinning. “I’m nothing special, really.”

To Nezumi, that was the understatement of the century. Everything about Shion was special. If anyone else could see him, they’d surely agree.

“Sorry, I forgot that everyone has wings and a fucking holy aura,” Nezumi scoffed.

Shion glanced over, his smile smaller. “We’ve had this conversation several times already, Nezumi. You know I’m not the only one,” he said.

Nezumi sighed. “Yeah, I know.”

There was no way for Shion to understand just how incredible his existence was when he was the only angel Nezumi could see. No matter how many times Shion told him otherwise, there was a part of Nezumi that believed he really might be the only angel in the universe.

Sometimes Shion made Nezumi feel like he was the only person in the universe. Those moments were completely intoxicating, like a thick wine lazily flowing through his veins. The feeling used to only come when he was about to break, like the night he’d lost everything and Shion first appeared by his side as a little boy to sing him strange melodies until he fell asleep. But now, it would happen almost randomly. He’d be sprawled on the couch with a book only to find himself an hour later staring off without a care in the world. The same feeling came on once while he was listening to music on a train, and he didn’t snap out of his daze until Shion shook his shoulder and reminded him they’d reached his stop.

“I…”

Nezumi blinked and looked over at Shion. That same feeling had been creeping back without him even noticing. “You…?”

Shion smiled to himself and shook his head, looking out at the sunset again. “It’s nothing,” he murmured. Slowly, he leaned against Nezumi’s shoulder.

“It was something a moment ago, wasn’t it?”

Shion sighed softly and looked down. “It’s… sort of silly, that’s all.”

“And you can’t risk ruining your reputation by saying something I’d think is silly,” Nezumi scoffed.

Shion at least seemed to find the comment amusing, even if he still hesitated to speak. “I… I was wondering if you’d dance with me. Ever since I saw you dance in the last play you were in, I’ve wanted to dance with you like that. It looked really nice.”

“I was acting like it was nice,” Nezumi replied. “That woman is unbearable to be around.” “But I’m not unbearable to be around, am I?”

Nezumi raised an eyebrow. “No, I can’t say you are.”

“So it might actually be nice if you danced with me, then?” Shion pressed.

Nezumi eyed Shion for a moment, then turned to head back inside. “Come on, I’m not doing this out here. I already look insane enough just talking to myself,” he said.

Shion followed him inside, keeping his wings tucked in close. Nezumi’s apartment was always a mess, even when Shion tried to pick up after him. “Honestly, if you keep piling things around like this, I’m going to break something...”

“Yeah?” Nezumi laughed. “Maybe that’s why I keep doing it. There’s something hilariously ironic about a guardian angel accidentally knocking things over.”

Shion clasped his hands behind his back and watched Nezumi pick out a song. “I really think you’d be more sympathetic if you had wings, too,” he muttered.

“I believe it’d be empathy in that case, not sympathy,” Nezumi said while he moved the cluttered coffee table to the edge of the room. He approached Shion and took ahold of his hands, moving one to rest on his shoulder. “Come on, you can stand closer.”

“I mean, this is fine‒”

“This isn’t middle school,” Nezumi scoffed and pulled Shion in closer, their chests now touching.

Shion wordlessly looked up at him with wide eyes and slightly parted lips.

Nezumi raised an eyebrow. “Doing alright?” he asked,

Shion nodded and glanced down. “Um, yes, I’m fine. We’re supposed to move now, right?”

“You looked lost and I didn’t want to start without you,” Nezumi teased, then began to lead Shion in the dance. He hummed with the melody, slowly swaying along with the song.

It wasn’t long before Shion’s weight was pressed against Nezumi and his eyes were closed. “You have a beautiful voice, Nezumi,” he said softly.

“Is that your way of asking me to sing?” Nezumi asked.

A small smile appeared on Shion’s face. “Maybe.”

Nezumi lifted his head slightly and began to sing along. The lyrics were sad, but he didn’t feel an ounce of that sadness right now. He felt Shion’s hand adjust in his own so their palms were firmly pressed together. They’d always fit together so nicely, and now was no exception.

The song eventually came to an end, but Shion didn’t pull away. If anything, he only seemed to move in closer. “Nezumi, do… do you think you’ll ever get married?” he asked quietly.

“I’m not planning on it,” Nezumi replied. “I don’t expect to find anyone who’d understand that my closest friend is an angel that only I can see.”

Shion let out a small sigh and Nezumi could tell he was smiling. He could always tell when Shion was smiling, even without looking.

“You’re glad to hear that, aren’t you?” Nezumi said.

“I… Yes,” Shion responded. “It’d be hard to watch from afar after spending so much time with you. You’ve spoiled me.”

Nezumi was quiet for a long moment, then asked, “Is it really just that?”

Shion’s hand tightened for a second. “...No, it’s not,” he admitted. “I’m… I’m afraid no one else could love you as much as I do. I can’t stand the thought of you not receiving the love you deserve.”

Nezumi smirked. “Are you confessing to me right now?” he teased.

Shion swallowed hard and looked up at him. “Yes, I am. I’m in love with you, Nezumi.”

The smirk vanished from Nezumi’s face.

“It’s strange for an angel to fall in love with the one they’re protecting, I know. But I‒” Shion glanced down and let out a short sigh. “I can’t help it. I’ve always thought you were amazing and beautiful. I’ve been by your side for over fifteen years, and I love you more than ever.”

“That’s…” Nezumi couldn’t find the rest of the words for that sentence. That familiar haziness was clouding his mind again.

Before he could even try saying anything more, Shion put both hands on Nezumi’s cheeks and planted a kiss on his lips. He pulled back a second later and looked him in the eye. “I love you, Nezumi, and I never want to stop.”

Nezumi slowly blinked at Shion. “I… don’t think I want you to stop, either,” he replied.

“You‒ Really?” Shion asked. He seemed awfully surprised for how confidently he’d spoken before.

“Yes, really,” Nezumi replied. “Even if you make me stupid sometimes. You are doing this on purpose, aren’t you?”

Shion blushed and looked down with a shy smile. “N-No, not usually…”

Nezumi leaned in closer. “Hey. You were confident a second ago. Maybe I want you to kiss me again.”

Shion didn’t hesitate to comply. He wrapped his arms around Nezumi and kissed him firmly, his warm wings sneaking around the both of their bodies. The feathers tickled the back of Nezumi’s neck slightly and sent a small shiver down his spine.

“I’ve wanted to do that for years,” Shion confessed quietly when their lips parted.

Nezumi touched his forehead to Shion’s and looked him in the eye. “I think I’ve wanted you to do that for years, too,” he softly replied.

Shion sighed happily and held Nezumi in a tight embrace. “I love you, Nezumi. I really, really love you.”

Nezumi couldn’t help but smile as he kissed the side of Shion’s head. “I love you, too, Shion.”

Yes, he loved Shion. He’d loved him since the day they’d met. He’d loved him every time Shion nagged him, and he’d loved him every time Shion wiped away his tears. As long as he had Shion by his side, he had something to live for and someone to love. He loved him with all of his heart, and he knew he’d never stop.

And he never stopped loving him.

#no.6 #no. 6 #no6 #no 6 #nezushi #nezumi #shion #fanfiction #no6secretsanta #vox #weiselzelle

[aion-rsa]

Star Trek: In Defense of Enterprise’s Worst Episode

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Don’t worry, this isn’t a defense of “These Are The Voyages.”* We’re here today to talk about the other “worst episode of Enterprise,” season two’s “A Night In Sickbay.”

“The episode that killed Star Trek.” “One of the worst episodes of the whole Star Trek franchise.” “Almost as bad as ‘These Are The Voyages.’” These and similar opinions of “A Night In Sickbay” are all over the Internet. The episode frequently appears on “worst episodes of all time” lists alongside “Spock’s Brain” from The Original Series and Star Trek: Voyager’s “Threshold.”

I have no intention of arguing that this is a great or outstanding episode of Star Trek – it’s not. But nor is it anything like as bad as those other two notorious examples. Does anyone turn into a lizard? No. Do any crew members abduct other crew members to have lizard sex with them? No. Does anyone’s brain get taken out and yet their body still, inexplicably, functions? No. It’s about time we went over a few of the more common complaints about this episode, to see if it really deserves its terrible reputation.

Complaint 1: Archer behaves like an idiot, and no trained diplomat should behave the way he does.

The episode’s events are kicked off when Archer takes his dog Porthos down to an alien planet on a sensitive diplomatic mission, and then gets upset when the aliens are insulted because the dog peed on one of their sacred trees, while poor Porthos nearly dies after coming into contact with an alien pathogen.

Viewers have complained that Archer’s behaviour in this episode is childish, that no “trained diplomat” should ever think it was appropriate to bring a dog on a sensitive visit, and that the episode makes the Captain look like an idiot. He spends most of the time railing at the aliens, the Kreetassans, avoiding taking any responsibility for what happened, and suggesting that he might refuse to apologise.

Bringing Porthos may not have been the brightest idea in the world, but it isn’t the act of total idiocy critics have made it out to be either. Archer himself points out repeatedly that they told the Kreetassans he was planning on bringing Porthos, and the Kreetassans said nothing about their sacred trees, plus they endangered Porthos’ life by not running proper checks on his genome. Should Archer have known better than to try to bring the dog with him at all, considering an alien species may not understand the nature of the dog-human relationship? Yes, and T’Pol tells him as much in the episode. Is he completely irredeemably stupid for thinking that he’d taken appropriate precautions and wanting to give his dog some exercise? No.

Archer’s reactions are also aggravated by the fact that the Kreetassans are, to put it mildly, gigantic pains in the backside. In their previous encounter, in the first season episode Vox Sola, the Kreetassans took offense because the Enterprise crew ate in front of them, which they consider vulgar. Except the crew didn’t just turn up to their planet touting takeaway – they were eating in their mess hall on their own ship. You know, the room set aside specifically for eating, an important social activity in Earth culture. The Kreetassans’ reaction is ridiculous and made worse by their reluctance to explain the problem, a reluctance they show again in this episode. Sure, Archer should grow up and get over it, but his frustration, while unprofessional, is very human.

It’s also worth bearing in mind the title of the episode – this takes place over the course of a sleepless night during which Archer is afraid Porthos is dying. He is stressed, emotional, and on edge, and he’s lashing out. By morning (and with Porthos thankfully having survived) he has cooled down and started behaving more appropriately again. And none of Archer’s complaints are actually communicated to the Kreetassans – he’s sounding off to his crew and his colleagues about a frustrating situation. He may not be the world’s best diplomat, but there are real life diplomats guilty of worse offences.

Complaint 2: Archer shouldn’t be whining so much about his dog.

How you feel about this one is going to depend partly on how you feel about dogs, or about pets in general. As a person who has slept in the lounge to watch over and comfort a sick dog, I have every sympathy with how Archer feels. If my dog is sick, you can bet I’m not at my best at work, especially if I’ve also had very little sleep. Archer’s way of explaining this, calling Porthos “my beagle, my pal”, may be a cringe-worthy way to put it, but those of us with “subservient quadrupeds” at home really are very attached to them.

Incidentally, given that Phlox’s bizarre treatment for Porthos involves drowning and reviving him, this episode initiates the dog into the grand tradition of Star Trek episodes that “kill” main characters only to bring them back to life again.

Complaint 3: Archer’s romantic feelings for T’Pol come out of nowhere and aren’t convincing.

While many viewers consider Archer’s romantic feelings for T’Pol in this episode to be a one-off story thread that was never picked up again, this is actually the end of a slight romantic thread between the two of them that started in season one, but largely fizzled out afterwards. Archer’s defence of T’Pol in “Fusion” could be assumed to be no more than a Captain protecting a member of his crew, but as well as several aside glances over the first season, they snuggle up together under a blanket in “The Andorian Incident”; in “Fallen Hero,” Vulcan ambassador V’Lar tells them she sees a “great bond” of “friendship” between them, and in “Shockwave Part 1,” T’Pol tells Archer she has his back. That may not sound like much, but in 90s Trek terms, that was practically a relationship.

The suggestion of an Archer/T’Pol romance would come up once more, in season three’s “Twilight.” Nothing to do with sparkly vampires, this episode had originally been suggested as a romantic storyline between Captain Janeway and First Officer Chakotay on Star Trek: Voyager, a couple who flirted mercilessly for seven years before Chakotay was inexplicably paired with Seven of Nine at the last minute. Re-written for Captain Archer and his First Officer, this episode is often considered one of Enterprise’s best – so it’s not the sexual tension between Archer and T’Pol itself that is the issue with “A Night In Sickbay,” merely the sloppy execution.

The main reason the idea of a romance between the two has such a poor reputation is that the way it’s brought up here feels rather strange, with Phlox insisting Archer’s concern for his dog is actually stress caused by underlying sexual tension, and some very dubious “Polarian slips” (“the breast I can,” really? With poor Jolene Blalock in that catsuit?). It’s true that the dream sequence in which Porthos’ funeral becomes a romantic moment between Archer and T’Pol, followed by yet more sexy “decontamination”, is rather silly, but it is just a dream. No one mated with each other and had lizard babies, and dreams are often weird – it’s not that bad a scene.

But the idea in itself isn’t inherently terrible – T’Pol and Archer do work well together and she is an obviously attractive woman. However, when she calmly tells Archer any kind of relationship would be inappropriate he does the right thing and moves on, and that’s the end of that. It’s a simple story of an attraction at work that isn’t pursued.

Complaint 4: The humor doesn’t work.

Some of the episode’s bad reputation is the result of its attempts at humour. The opening panning shot across Hoshi “decontaminating” T’Pol, who is “decontaminating” Archer, who is “decontaminating” Porthos, is presumably meant to be funny. The problem is, the exploitative “decontamination” scenes are so problematic in general, it just isn’t very funny, but rather makes it seem like the show is trying to sexualize the dog.

Similarly, the daft sequence at the end of the episode, where Archer has to go through a bizarre ritual in order to apologise to the Kreetassans, is a simple case of humour gone wrong. It’s too silly, his hairdo is bizarre, and it makes no sense. But again, no one turns into a lizard, or randomly picks a fight with some cavemen. It’s not great, but it’s hardly the worst Star Trek has to offer.

The main sources of humour in the episode are, of course, Phlox’s various shenanigans overnight in sickbay. He trims his toenails, he brushes his tongue, he and Archer chase a bat around. If you don’t find any of that funny, then sure, you may find the episode grating. Perhaps I just have a terrible sense of humour, but what can I say – I thought it was funny. Judging by this episode’s Hugo nomination, I’m not the only one.

This episode is sometimes accused of having “killed Star Trek” and blamed for Enterprise’s dwindling viewing figures and eventual cancellation. It’s true that it has flaws and it won’t be bothering any “Best Of” lists. But it doesn’t deserve its place on all the ‘Worst Of’ lists either. It’s a good chance to get to know Phlox a bit better, a fascinating and genuinely alien character who didn’t get the spotlight often enough. The interaction between Phlox and Archer here is genuinely fun to watch. It’s light and fluffy and silly, and maybe that’s not your bag, but that doesn’t make it bad. It shows Archer at his worst, at his most childish and petulant, but how can we really get to know any character without seeing them at their lowest? By the end of the episode, he has regained his sense of duty and is fulfilling his role as normal once again. He had a bad night – so do we all, sometimes. It’s about time we cut him, and this episode, some slack.

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*Though if that was a season finale, rather than a series finale, and if it hadn’t killed off a major character, it really wouldn’t be that bad either.

The post Star Trek: In Defense of Enterprise’s Worst Episode appeared first on Den of Geek.

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#aion-rsa #Den of Geek

[xcomresistanceradio]

Lost and Abandoned Pt. 2

Skirmisher

 The atmosphere inside the Skyranger was one of tense silence. The two soldiers that remained in the hold of the aircraft were silent, preparing themselves mentally for whatever might happen down on the ground. They were heading to the meet the second contact, a Skirmisher named Pratal Mox.

Jane Kelly was more than a little apprehensive about having to escort Pratal Mox to the meeting point. Kelly had been fighting ADVENT her whole life. How was she supposed to trust one of them? Even if he had defected and joined a resistance cell.

Jane tried to remember what the Commander had told her. She pictured the woman’s calm voice in her head. Anyone who resists the elders is someone we must learn to trust, the Commander had said, her hand firmly resting on Jane’s shoulder. The ranger sighed and leaned her head back against her seat. She shouldn’t get worked up about a simple escort mission.

“You OK?” Jane looked over at her partner for the mission, a rookie named Michael Bennett. Michael was overwhelmingly kind; you could see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice. He even looked kind. Soft brown eyes inlaid in a kinder, cinnamon brown face. His chiselled jaw and muscular build should have stood in stark contrast to the kindness he displayed but instead those two features came together. Michael looked like the kind of man that would run into a burning building to rescue children and puppies. Even the Commander doted on the rookie.

“Yeah. Just nervous.” Jane said, trying for a smile. As the Skyranger shuddered to a halt and the red lights flashed on, Michael put a comforting hand on Jane’s shoulder.

“We’ll be fine. I promise.” He said, making his way over to the open door and grabbing one of the steel cables that served as their way down. Jane followed suit and slid down the rope to the ground, shotgun at the ready. Michael was standing a little away from her, checking his data pad for the coordinates that should take them straight to the extraction point.

The two soldiers moved steadily forward, aiming their weapons forwards, on guard for anything. The first thing they noticed was the ADVENT convoy laying on the ground, fire flickering in its dying engines.

“Looks like there’s trouble ahead.” Central said over the radio. “The rendezvous may have been compromised. Stay focused, check for—”. Suddenly, an explosion rattled the street from behind the corner of a building. “Contact! Get down!”

Black smoke rose in plumes and from it, came an orange clad ADVENT trooper. It ran towards them, and suddenly jerked to a halt. Its arms flailed as a hook emerged from its chest and it was pulled back into the smoke cloud. Michael and Jane stared at each other, eyes as wide as dinner plates, and ran towards the smoke, guns at the ready.

As they rounded the corner of the building, they saw the ADVENT trooper. Standing over it, removing their helmet to reveal a grooved, alien face, was another ADVENT soldier. Or so it seemed. Jane looked over at Michael.

“Is that him?” She mouthed. He shook his head, uncertain.

“I’m guessing that’s our man. Well, our contact anyway.” Central said. Jane and Michael stayed back as the Skirmisher knelt down and lifted the head of the trooper.

“Kracsad.” Pratal Mox spat the word like an insult. “ADVENT… Puppet.” He looked straight into the eyes of the trooper.

“Vox Tala For Ten.” He said, and then, as quick as a cobra, he jammed the blades attached to his wrist guard into the head of the trooper, straight up through the chin. Michael flinched and looked away and Jane watched as the Skirmisher’s eyes began to flicker strangely. “They were sent here to hunt… To purge the Drak-ten—the lost.” He said. Mox finally released the hold he had on the soldier, letting it drop to the ground. He turned to look over his shoulder at the XCOM soldiers.

“Our meeting point is still secure.” He announced. Michael looked down at the ADVENT trooper. Before he could speak, Mox replied to his dismayed stare.

“She is free of the imposter gods. I would give anything if all my kind could say the same. Even sit down with these… Reapers.” He said. Mox placed his helmet back onto his head and walked between the two soldiers. “Now we must go.”

Jane and Michael followed the Skirmisher closely. Jane stayed slightly back, her doubts about trusting anything or anyone made by ADVENT causing her to remain mistrustful of the former death squad captain.

As the three soldiers made their way down an abandoned shipyard, Mox and Central conversed over the radio.

“The rendezvous with Outrider is just further ahead. Proceed through this district as quickly as possible. Something tells me that this city has a few more surprises left for us.” Central said. Mox huffed and shook his head.

“Surprises are the least of our worries. It is these Reapers of yours that are of true concern.”

Mox suddenly stopped and raised a fist. Dashing forwards, he hid behind the corner of one of the many buildings at the shipyard. Michael and Jane followed his lead and saw, in the distance, two more of those orange clad ADVENT troopers. They hadn’t seen the rebels yet and were standing around, seemingly waiting for something to happen. Jane itched to pull the trigger on one of them…

“Don’t remember seeing these things before…” Central said.

“You were not meant to.” Mox admitted. “Purifiers were created to contain the Drak-ten, the lost. We must eliminate this patrol quickly, before others arrive.” He turned to Jane and motioned for her to shoot.

The ranger happily obliged, jumping out of cover and pulling the trigger on her shotgun. The gunshot rattled the remaining windows on the buildings and the Purifier, caught off guard and without cover, fell to the ground, the bullets having struck him in the neck. The other purifier spun around and brandished the large flamethrower it had as a weapon. It dashed off to the right, towards the cover of one of the large warehouses to the right. Michael, however, was faster. He jumped up and pulled the trigger on his rifle. The purifier cried out, stumbled, and hobbled to cover, holding his hand over the growing wound in his side.

Mox wasted no time, extending his arm towards the ledge of one of the buildings, directly opposite the purifier. A grappling hook erupted from the wrist guard and latched itself into the crumbling brickwork. Mox was pulled upwards, towards the ledge and he landed somewhat gracefully. Mox reached for his bullpup and, before the purifier had time to react had pulled the trigger.

The first shots glanced off of the brick wall, inches from the purifiers head. The second shot went through the purifiers skull. It fell unceremoniously to the ground with a metal thunk. Mox turned to face his escorts.

“This patrol had been liberated. May their lives not be lost in vain. We must push forwards and complete our mission!” He said, jumping down from the ledge of the building. Jane and Michael followed the Skirmisher through the rest of the dock, scanning for any other ADVENT troops. Jane had to admit, her doubts about the Skirmisher were starting to fade.

Mox, suddenly, sprinted up ahead to crouch behind an alien pod. Jane, sensing something was afoot followed closely behind, crouching next to him. Michael stayed slightly behind, hiding behind a set of crates.

“Holy shit…” Jane whispered, as she finally saw what Mox had been looking at.

It wasn’t a patrol. It was an army! A massive fuel truck, surrounded by two dozen purifiers, all burning what looked like people, normal people, to smouldering crisps. Jane shook with a mix of rage and fear, as an ADVENT officer surveyed the carnage being caused.

Central was saying something over the radio but Jane wasn’t listening. She watched as the purifiers burned down another person. But when Jane looked closer she realized… they weren’t people. At least, they weren’t people anymore. Mox suddenly stood, blocking Jane’s view and approached the patrol.

“Yes. One we do not have time to face.” She heard him say and watched as he raised his bullpup and fired. The bullets struck one the purifiers, causing the fuel tank on his back to rupture. He fell against the large truck and…

“Get down!” Michael cried, tackling Jane to the ground, shielding her from the blast. The sound that followed was deafening! Jane had been protected from the worst of the blast by her partner. Michael’s ears rang and his neck felt blisteringly hot. He gasped and lifted himself off the ground. His vision was mercifully clear and he hadn’t lost too much balance either. Jane sprang up and stared at the devastation caused.

Where the fuel truck had once been, there was now a smouldering black patch on the road. The windows of all the buildings had shattered from the sound impact and there wasn’t a trace of the purifiers left. Jane threw up her hands and turned to Mox.

“Great! You killed the purifiers! But that was also our extraction point!” She cried, pointing to the black crater in the street.

“I fear that is not the worst of it.” The voice of Dr. Tygan announced over the radio. “Detecting multiple biological signatures on route to your location.” Tygan’s voice was tense.

“The lost.” Mox said. “The sounds of combat excite them. They are drawn to it.” Jane whirled on the Skirmisher and glared daggers at him.

“And you just blew up a fuel truck?!”

“There was no other choice!” Mox shouted back. “Central, find us an alternate exit; we will deal with the lost.” Jane spun around to face the large roads that connected them to the rest of the city. In the distance, she saw the lost running towards, mouths gaping and arms flailing. She looked to Mox for guidance but he seemed as overwhelmed as her. Suddenly, Michael grabbed both of them by the shoulders, spinning them around. He pointed to a nearby stack of shipping crates, piled high into the air.

“Get to high ground!” Michael said, running towards the crates. He grabbed onto the railing on the side and began to climb up, nimble as a firefighter. Mox used his grappling hook to quickly get up to the position. Jane clambered up the side like Michael had. The moment Jane was up on the crate, Michael pointed at the large avenue that was packed full of the lost.

“Jane, you take the West avenue. Mox, keep your eyes on the courtyard. Nothing gets close enough to climb up here got it? I’ll watch the East avenue.” Michael commanded the other two soldiers with all the skill of a seasoned veteran. Jane, who had taken the rookie for nothing more than that, a rookie, followed the commands with an air of delighted surprise.

As the three soldiers perched atop the shipping crate, the air was thick with suspense. Jane listened as the sounds of the lost grew ever closer. Their moans and growls were hair-raising and only grew more appalling the louder they got.

Finally, the lost appeared around the edges of the shipping crates and Jane opened fire. Her shotgun bucked in her hands as she shot. The lost were fast though, and soon enough were crowding the courtyard, clambering at the sides of the crates. Suddenly, one was on top of the crate with them, only to be quickly shot down by Mox. The lost flew off of the edge of the roof, landing with a sickening, dull thud.

“Drak-Lar.” Mox said, voice laced with disgust. “Dashers. They are not as docile as the rest of their kind.” Jane nodded and prepared to fire another shot.

Michael was methodically shooting down each lost he could see. Jane could only wonder how a rookie like him was so strategic, so adept in combat and such a good shot! Most rookies couldn’t shoot their own foot, much less a target. Michael kept on though, stopping to reload only once. As he reloaded, Jane took his place, gunning down any lost who got too close.

The group of soldiers seemed almost untouchable, up there on that crate. No lost got close enough to even clamber up the sides of the crates. But the soldiers were tiring, and Central still hadn’t found an alternate route. The lost drew ever closer. One made it up to where the soldiers were holding position. Jane drew in a deep breath and slashed at the lost with her sword. Finally, Central’s voice rattled over the radio.

“We’ve found a new route that should get you to the rendezvous point. The lost are still converging on the area though so make it fast!”

“That won’t be a problem.” Mox said. Michael was the first to jump down from the crates, moving forwards and shooting lost at every step. Jane was close behind, followed by Mox. The three soldiers, covered in dust, alien blood and sweat all entered the extraction zone and breathed a simultaneous sigh of relief.

“Outrider and the first team should be waiting for you up ahead. I know this wasn’t the easiest op but I have to believe it will have been worth it in the end.” Central sighed. The relief in his voice was tangible. Mox, who was already climbing the ladder up to the railroad track sighed almost inaudibly to himself.

“That depends on the Reapers.” Mox said. The three soldiers made their way over the railroad, towards the rendezvous point, unaware of the fact that they were being watched by something far worse than the lost.

#xcom 2 #xcom 2: war of the chosen #xcom 2 war of the chosen #pratal mox #dun dun duuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnn #ok next part.... will happen eventually

[thezeekrecord]

Now You’re Thinking With Portals, Gordon! ch5

[index/summary]

True Purpose

One minute, Gordon had been falling into a seemingly bottomless pit with an overwhelming sense of impending doom looming over him. The next, he was lying in a shallow puddle, staring up at the sad remnants of a broken elevator that hung dangerously from a thick cable. Gordon jolted upright in a panic, leaping to his feet and immediately collapsing onto his backside. He groaned and rubbed his temples as everything that happened the past few hours flooded back to him.

“Ah! Gordon, you’re awake!” Coomer said, stepping in front of him and holding out a hand. “Are you feeling alright?”

“Uhh, yeah, I guess so.” Gordon replied, accepting Coomer’s hand. Coomer pulled him up to his feet with ease. “How long was I out?”

“Well, you passed out at the start of our fall, and you remained that way as we looked for VOX, so...I would say about 10 minutes.”

“Do you know how hard it is to rearrange everyone while you fall just so the bastard who passed out wouldn’t die?” Bubby complained, holding Tommy as he made his way over the wreckage to join Gordon and Coomer.

“I saved you with my robot body!” Coomer boasted.

“Oh god, that really could’ve been it for me.” Gordon breathed, putting a hand to his head.

“Now, we’re all trapped in...wherever this is.” Bubby griped.

“This is the condemned section.” Tommy informed them with a worried look. “Nobody’s supposed to be here, anymore. It’s too dangerous.”

“Well, I don’t know, it seems calmer down here than it was up there.” Gordon pointed out, picking through the debris and peering down what looked like a path. “Did you find VOX, by the way?”

“I’m here.” VOX replied. Coomer scooped him up from behind a chunk of concrete, revealing shards of metal that had buried themselves into his core.

“Damn, that doesn’t look good.” Gordon winced.

“It’s not.”

“Are we really going to take him with us?” Bubby questioned. “He did try to kill us.”

“I am incapable of doing anything in this state.” VOX pointed out. “Not to mention I have valuable information about the facility’s layout. You will certainly need my assistance getting back up to the modern section in order to take control back from Benry.”

“I mean, what about Tommy? He seems to know plenty about this place.” Gordon suggested, looking to Tommy in Bubby’s arms.

“I only know a little bit about why it was condemned.” Tommy admitted sheepishly. “I think VOX is right. We’ll probably need his help.”

“Is there even a way back up to the facility? Other than this...broken elevator?” Gordon asked.

“There are two entry points to the true condemned section that I am aware of. If we make our way to the topmost entry point, it is possible we will be able to return to the modern section of the facility.” VOX explained. “I presume it will take a long time to get ourselves there, though. Time we may not have.”

“I feel like we’ve been beating the odds of survival pretty much all day already. Call me crazy, but I think we might just make it out of this one.” Gordon said, leading the way down away from the elevator.

“Statistically improbable.”

“Hey, if you’re gonna commit to the bit about us needing you to get out, you should at least try to be positive about our chances, dude.”

“...Improbable, but there is a slim possibility.”

“Yeah, that’s the spirit.”

As they moved through the wreckage of the facility, Bubby passed Tommy off to Gordon to create paths for the group with his portal gun. At first, Gordon would have thought the wreckage was caused by the tremors above them, but thick layers of dust coated everything in sight. Large chunks of rusted metal and drywall that might have been part of walls and pipes were scattered all over, some half-buried in the dirt beneath their feet. Soon, after squeezing through many awkward paths, they entered a clearing blocked off by an automatic gate. Gordon jiggled the gate before turning to a large switch next to it. When he flipped it, several lights above boomed to life to reveal a massive circular vault door at the end of the clearing with two little box rooms on opposite sides of the vault. Upon investigation, they found each room contained a button labeled “HATCH RECLUSION OVERRIDE”—after some bickering, Coomer passed VOX to Gordon, who struggled to hold both him and Tommy as Bubby and Coomer split off to the separate rooms. Once the buttons were pressed simultaneously, the hatch unlocked, an ear-splitting siren sounding as the door was lifted out of the way by cables. Gordon squeezed his eyes shut, unable to plug his ears as the siren blared for what felt like several long minutes before everything finally fell silent. He opened his eyes, finding the only thing behind the vault had been a couple discarded chairs and an underwhelmingly normal door.

“This is it.” VOX announced. “Once we enter, we will be in the true condemned section. I am not fully aware of what is waiting for us in here. We will need to be careful.”

Gordon steeled himself and pushed the door open. Beyond that was an even larger clearing, similar to what Gordon was used to seeing above in the space between test chambers. Huge, broken structures towered above them, mostly indistinct in the darkness of the cavern; as another distant tremor hit, small bits of rock splashed into the water surrounding their little walkway. They maneuvered into a small, cramped hallway, where Gordon threw another switch to open an automatic door leading into a smaller section of the cavern. As the doors slid open and Gordon led the way in, lights blinked on, and a booming, proud voice echoed around them with triumphant music.

“Welcome, gentlemen, to Aperture Science.” The voice began. Gordon recognized it in an instant—he’d never met the man himself, but he practically haunted the facility through old promotional videos and pre-recorded messages that were regularly played for the current Aperture employees. A Pavlovian dread response filled Gordon as they proceeded further into the chamber. “Astronauts, war heroes, Olympians—you’re here because we want the best, and you are it. So, who’s ready to make some science?”

There was a brief pause in the recording before another familiar voice spoke. “Oh—me!”

At first, Gordon couldn’t even place where he’d heard the voice before. He just squinted as he listened closer, struggling to process the words over the echo.

“Now, you already met one another on the limo ride over, so let me introduce myself: I’m Cave Johnson. I own the place. That eager voice you heard is my assistant Tommy. Rest assured, he has transferred your honorarium to the charitable organization of your choice. Isn’t that right, Tommy?”

“...Yeah.”

Gordon looked instinctively down at Tommy, who stared up towards the ceiling blankly as Cave rambled on briefly about how without Tommy, Aperture wouldn’t be what it was today. The recording ended shortly, leaving the entire group in silence to watch Tommy’s reaction.

“...Huh?” Was all Tommy said.

“Dude, was that you?” Gordon finally asked, glancing between the two cores in his arms.

“...I don’t...n-no, that couldn’t have been me.” Tommy denied, looking down with a perplexed expression. “I can’t—I don’t remember that. I never met Cave Johnson, he died before I was created.”

VOX looked to Tommy, like he was ready to say something, but they stopped as a smaller voice called from somewhere above them. “Hello? Who are you?”

Gordon looked up to what appeared to be a pedestrian entrance further into the facility built into a high part of the cave wall, the walkway leading up to it long broken. At first, he thought it must have been another version of Coomer—but as he looked closer, he found the round head set in the center of his body was a core with a deep orange eye.

“Is that...” Bubby started.

“Darnold?” Coomer finished.

“What are you all doing down here?” He bent over and grabbed something by his feet, throwing it over the handrail—a rope ladder with metal hooks tied to the ends. He attached it to the rail carefully before simply jumping over it, landing easily on his feet to meet the group.

“We thought you were incinerated!” Bubby said, approaching Darnold. “What happened to you? Why are you in one of Coomer’s bodies?”

“Well, it’s an interesting story.” Darnold began before his eye locked with VOX’s. “Buuuut...is that...VOX?”

“Darnold.”

Darnold paused for a long time before simply turning to the rope ladder and beginning to scale back up.

“Wait!” Gordon called out. “I think maybe you can help us!”

“I’m fairly busy at the moment, actually, Mr...”

“Freeman.”

“Yes, I’m rather busy right now, Mr. Freeman.” Darnold continued, already halfway up the ladder. “I’ve been extremely busy being very much alive down here. It takes up a lot of my schedule, you see, and I’d like to get back to that.”

Gordon hurriedly redistributed VOX and Tommy to Bubby and Coomer before running to join Darnold on the ladder. “Wait, at least hear me out! Do you have any idea what’s going on up there?”

Darnold reached the top and swung himself expertly over the handrail, looking down in disappointment at Gordon as he climbed up. “No, I don’t. I haven’t been up there in a very long time.”

“The facility is gonna blow up if we don’t fix Tommy!” Gordon explained, clumsily pulling himself over the handrail. “Some guy told me that Tommy was supposed to run the facility. He told me a ‘condemned AI’ could help me find a USB that’s supposed to fix him. You’re an AI in the condemned section, you must be the one he was talking about, right?”

“Well, I don’t know about all that.” Darnold said uneasily. “This is the first I’m hearing about any of this. I mean, I know about Tommy already at least, that all makes sense...”

“It does not.”

“You were an engineering sphere, Darnold!” Coomer called to him. “Wouldn’t you say you have the ability to fix Tommy?”

“Ehhhh...I mean, I could look.” Darnold offered tentatively. “But I don’t think I’m gonna be much help. That sounds like it’s a little out of my expertise, and I haven’t done any work on cores in a while. I’m a little rusty, if you’ll forgive the pun.”

“I won’t.” Bubby said.

“But I don’t know how comfortable I am with VOX knowing where I stay.” Darnold went on, crossing his arms defensively. Another tremor hit above them, shaking layers of dirt from the ceiling into Gordon’s hair.

“Darnold. We are in a hurry. I would like to get back to the upper facility, and I am unable to do that on my own, leaving me at the whims of Gordon Freeman. Please do what he says so I can return to my facility.”

Darnold didn’t look swayed by this. Gordon let out a frustrated sigh.

“It’s okay, he’s not gonna get control back.” Gordon comforted. “He’s right, though, we kinda have to hurry, or Benry’s gonna destroy the facility.”

“You put Benry in charge?” Darnold asked incredulously. “Well, no wonder the facility’s in danger. He’s a corrupted core, he can’t handle that kind of responsibility.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m seeing that.” Gordon said flatly. “Listen, could you please just try? I kinda don’t wanna die, and it sounds like you don’t, either.”

“Ohhh, alright.” Darnold caved, motioning Bubby and Coomer up.

After maneuvering everyone up to the platform, Gordon took Tommy again, and Darnold led the group inside an old waiting room that must have been very comfortable back in the day—unlike the waiting room for testing that Gordon had gotten accustomed to seeing. As they passed through, another pre-recorded message from Cave Johnson filled the room. He prattled on about the mechanics of his pre-recorded messages and a few old tests they must have been running at the time.

“Ugh. Sorry about him.” Darnold grumbled. “I can usually turn him off, but if the power gets reset, he turns back on automatically. I’ve heard these recordings about a million times. Listen, he’s about to say something about mantis men.”

As promised, Cave announced a new project for the test subjects—fighting an army of mantis men. Gordon stopped at an old framed painting of Cave Johnson. He was young in this portrait, probably in his late 30’s, with a proud, hopeful smile on his face. Tommy looked at it wordlessly.

“You sure you don’t remember any of this?” Gordon asked him. “That really sounded like you.”

“No, Mr. Freeman, there’s no way.”

Gordon jogged to catch up with the group, and they continued down various paths that Darnold seemed to have set up himself between the wreckage. He moved with ease as Gordon picked his way through carefully, slowing the group down significantly.

“So what happened to you?” Bubby asked Darnold again as they walked.

“Well...” Darnold cast an uneasy glance at VOX. “I had been fixing broken versions of you two for a long time, among other things. It was the same thing every single day. I fix you up, you go to a test chamber, you get smashed to pieces, I fix you up again, and the cycle repeated. It got pretty boring.”

“Yeah, for you. ” Bubby muttered.

“I was doing my usual maintenance when one of the Coomers came through. I guess something went wrong with one of the laser tests. He was just burned clean in half.”

“That’ll happen.” Coomer said solemnly.

“The core part was totally fried, so he qualified to get recycled. The rest of the body was fine, though.” Darnold continued, leading the group into a room with three massive pipes extending into the ceiling. He motioned them up a makeshift metal ladder that looked like it had been welded to the bottom of a broken catwalk. “I got curious how easy it would be to make my own body out of it. My rationalization at the time was that it would make it easier to work if I had my own hands, but really, I just wanted something else to do. I succeeded in attaching myself to the Coomer body, but VOX wasn't a fan.”

Gordon looked pointedly at VOX, who remained silent. The group moved into an old workspace with three separate consoles with switches.

“I think he was trying to incinerate me, but instead, he sent me down a pit that landed me here.” Darnold finished, stopping to look at the group with what looked like it could be an excited smile. “And this is where I found my true purpose.”

Darnold turned to the switches, throwing them all in quick succession. Mechanical whirring filled the room as the pipes came to life. Darnold enthusiastically urged them all to follow, leading them out to a wide open space where the remnants of what seemed to be an old test chamber sat. It was too destroyed to show what they had been testing for, leaving just a floor and chunks of wall that had been partially ripped away, but there was a mess of what looked like hardened blue, orange, and white paint caked over every available surface in it.

“This is what flows through the pipes.” Darnold informed them, squeezing through a bit in the wall that had been torn out to provide access into the chamber. “Go ahead, try it out.”

Gordon stepped in tentatively as Tommy looked around in dismay.

“This isn’t supposed to be used, anymore!” He said worriedly. “It was left behind with the condemned section! It’s too dangerous to work with!”

“But this much more fascinating than lasers or portals!” Darnold argued. “See? Watch!”

Darnold leapt onto a patch of blue and shot high into the air. He bounced a few times this way before landing back on a patch of white, looking quite pleased with himself.

“Whoa, that was nuts!” Gordon gasped. He hesitated for a brief moment before trying it himself. He laughed loudly as he bounced several times, quickly joined enthusiastically by Coomer, who was currently holding VOX.

“This is a waste of time.” VOX reminded them. “This technology was left behind for a reason. We must move on if we are to survive, Gordon Freeman.”

Gordon landed heavily onto a patch of orange, excitement draining from him as he remembered their responsibilities. “Right, okay. Yeah, Darnold, this is cool and all, but there’s still the crisis up there.”

Darnold looked heavily disappointed. “Alright, my lab is just over here.” He sighed.

As Gordon moved to follow, he thought for a moment he must have been shoved by someone—he took one small step forward, but he practically launched across the chamber. He skidded to a stop on the white, looking down to the patch of orange in shock.

“Oh, yeah, that’s the propulsion gel.” Darnold explained as they exited the chamber the way they’d entered. “There’s the propulsion gel, repulsion gel, and conversion gel, which allows you to shoot portals on any surface you cover it with. Then, of course, there’s another special little somethin’ I’ve been working on.”

Darnold explained the science behind the gel extensively as they headed towards a box room high above them, placed beside another suspended chamber. He directed them up through his maze of makeshift paths until they reached an office space, currently occupied by Darnold’s projects. Laid out on one of the desks were several containers with various liquids, the largest one filled with a thick, purple gel. On another to the right, there was a fairly modern computer—modern by Gordon’s standards, at least—with what appeared to be a jury-rigged receptacle to plug cores into.

“How long have you been down here?” Gordon asked, eyes landing on a tarp that covered a pile of what he assumed to be the old supplies that originally occupied the room.

“Oh, a good few years.” Darnold replied casually. He held out his arms towards Gordon. “I’ll take a look at Tommy, but like I said, no promises.”

Gordon passed Tommy to him, who was then plugged roughly into the receptacle. Tommy’s eye glowed brighter, blinking a couple times while Darnold typed away at his computer. He squinted his eye as he navigated through several windows, leaning in close to his screen with a perplexed look. Seeing this was going to take a while, Gordon glanced around the room, spotting hints of a chair underneath the tarp. He eagerly pulled the tarp up to unearth it, dragging the chair out carefully before something caught his eye further in. He glanced back at Darnold, who was still fully focused on Tommy, so he pulled the tarp away to extract a large frame out from the mess of old office supplies.

“What do you have there, Gordon?” Coomer asked as Gordon flipped it over.

Gordon stared at the painting. It was another portrait of Cave Johnson, much older now and sat at his desk, but standing behind him with his hands clasped in front of him was a white man in his late 50’s. His jet black hair was neatly groomed back, and he wore a long white lab coat with a blue button-up and striped tie. Gordon thought for a moment the man looked familiar, but quickly dismissed it as he read the golden plaque at the bottom: “CAVE JOHNSON & TOMMY COOLATTA”.

“...Another portrait.” Gordon answered, turning to show it to Coomer.

“Ah, the founder and CEO of Aperture Science.” Coomer identified with a nod.

“Yeah, but look at the guy with him.” Gordon pointed at Tommy. “Do you guys know anything about him?”

“No, not really.” Bubby replied, glancing back at Tommy. “We don’t come equipped with a full history of Aperture Science, Gordon.”

“What is it?” Tommy asked from the desk.

Gordon nudged past Bubby and Coomer, watching Tommy’s reaction over the top of the portrait. Tommy stared at it for a long moment before there was a large zap , and his eye immediately went dark, closing tight as smoke billowed from him and the receptacle.

“Wh—Tommy?!” Gordon exclaimed, setting the portrait aside.

“Aw, jeez.” Darnold groaned, pulling him from the receptacle and turning him over. “I guess he got overwhelmed and shorted out.”

“Is he gonna be okay?” Gordon asked, leaning in to look at Tommy.

“Yeah, he should be alright.” Darnold reassured him, setting him down on the desk. “I can’t actually access his program, though. I tried, but I kept getting errors.”

“Do you think it’s an issue with your computer?” Gordon suggested.

“Well, let’s see.” Darnold reached out for VOX. Coomer handed him over without hesitation.

“Do not get into my program.” VOX commanded.

“I’m not gonna, I’m just checking if I can.”

“Do not. Do not. Do not.” VOX repeated as Darnold positioned him over the receptacle.

Darnold stopped and pulled him away. “Alright, alright. I’ll just test it with myself.” He handed VOX back to Coomer and unlatched the face of the receptacle, setting it aside. He pulled out the pin that plugged into the back of the core, connected to a wire that snaked around the desk. He blindly reached to plug it into himself, and his eye glowed slightly brighter, just the same as Tommy’s had. He turned to the computer again, pulling up programming files with complex lines of text. “Well, it’s working just fine for me.”

“...Huh?” Tommy spoke suddenly. His eye was open only halfway for a moment before he opened it fully, looking at everyone around the room. “What happened?”

“You shorted out.” Darnold informed him. “Tommy, is there a reason I can’t access your program?”

Tommy was quiet for a moment, looking as though he was still catching up before he spoke. “Oh, yeah...I remember now...there’s only one receptacle in the facility that lets you do that.”

“And you didn’t think to mention it?” Bubby questioned flatly.

“It’s been a long time since anyone’s needed to access my files.” Tommy said. “It was only before we phased out human employees that it ever came up.”

“Well, that doesn’t bode well for you guys.” Darnold commented as he disconnected himself and replaced the cover on the receptacle. “I could try to bypass it, but I get the feeling it might be faster to just get you to the right station and do it there.”

“No, I...I think we’re missing something.” Gordon shook his head, leaning on the desk. “The guy didn’t say you’d be the one to fix Tommy. He said we’d come down here, and you’d give me something that helped me find the USB drive.”

“Who even is this guy you’re referring to?” Darnold questioned doubtfully. “No offense, Mr. Freeman, but I don’t think the problem is so simple, it could be solved with whatever’s on a tiny little USB drive. That’s not how that works, you know. If the issue is processing power, that’s more of a hardware issue than anything else.”

“I don’t know!” Gordon exclaimed, burying his face in his hands. “I don’t know who the guy was, I don’t know why a USB is supposed to help, but things have lined up so far! He said Tommy was supposed to run the facility, which makes sense, and he said we’d find you after I disconnected Tommy. And it’s not like I know of anything else to do, here.”

“You could give me back my facility.” VOX suggested.

“Bro, you know that’s not happening.”

“Hmmm.” Darnold put a hand to the face of his core thoughtfully. “Well, I don’t know about all that, but you’re welcome to look through some of this old stuff I’ve collected. There might be something useful in there.”

Darnold indicated back to the pile of old supplies. Gordon headed over and started picking his way through, followed quickly by Bubby. The pile mostly consisted of old office supplies like Gordon had initially thought; he was ready to give up when Bubby suddenly dragged something out that looked very much like it did not belong in the pile. It was a massive, shelf-sized black console that had been facing towards the wall; there was a black screen and several buttons with a dial, looking almost like an arcade cabinet with a weird hose with a nozzle on the end hooked on the side.

“What’s this thing?” Bubby asked, holding the nozzle up for Darnold to see.

“Oh, that thing?” Darnold approached, looking at it closer. “I’m not sure. I saw it lying around here, but it didn’t have anything to do with the gel, so...you’re welcome to try it, though.”

Bubby found a place to plug the machine in and stood at the controls, clicking a few buttons experimentally as Gordon hovered over his shoulder. The screen blinked to life, reading “SELECT A TARGET” in green text against a black screen. Bubby immediately turned to point the nozzle at Gordon.

“Hey, hey, don’t test it on me!” Gordon yelped.

Bubby didn’t respond, simply watching as the screen changed. There was a long, green line graph now; as Bubby clicked the dial to the side, a time and date displayed at the top. It only changed by day-long increments, but as Bubby scrolled way back, there didn’t seem to be a limit on how far back it could go.

“I think this is what you were looking for.” Bubby said thoughtfully. “This might be able to send you back in time.”

“What? A fucking time machine?” Gordon asked incredulously. “There’s no way in hell we made a time machine and, like, survived. Aperture wouldn’t just drop a project like that, right? We would’ve sold it to the public for a fortune by now and had all time wiped out by people, like, trying to save the Titanic or whatever.”

“Well,” Darnold began, but he was cut off by a massive flash of green light, similar to when he’d been teleported by the man in the suit. Gordon blinked several times and shook his head, his eyes taking a few seconds to readjust. He was in the same room as before, but he didn’t find the man in the suit like he had expected—in fact, nobody but him was there now; it was all arranged just like a normal workspace he would come to expect from Aperture. Gordon peered out the window, down at the old remnants of the test chamber they’d just been in. It wasn’t half destroyed, he found—it was half built, with construction workers milling about below. Gordon gripped his chest.

“Oh, fuck.”

[previous | next]

#zeeks hlvrai #zeeks portal

[nochiquinn]

episode 98: dirty deeds (done dirt cheap)

okay guys I haven’t resorted to Shameless Self-Promotion here in a while so I hope you’ll forgive me mentioning that I have a book coming out Tuesday, called NIGHT TERRORS. It’s a sequel to my first book, THE SIGIL, and in the lead-up to the release I have the first one on sale for just 99 cents! It’s about talking to ghosts and sometimes punching them, give it a shot HERE.

I already wanted to get Injustice but now I really wanna get it

-cries about momocon- 

I missed why they're gonna be missing players next week but! jon heder! 

(I missed it bc I went to look up the talks machina recap on tumblr and my entire computer said No)

"I didn't see -shit-"

"Is there any chance she has a penis?"

Marianne :(

(Maryanne? Marian?)

I'm sensing the theme of this arc

"If they're not interested in me, why should I be interested in telling them about me?"

grog: killing them makes them go away forever

"I am lost to the rest of this conversation"

I need to name a character lilah, it's a pretty name

tary ;-;

"when you see my duty, you'll know" it's like having scanlan back

TARYON MAH BOI

rip taliesin

go mom

(there's also a quiet theme of "read books, it's good for you" that I appreciate)

(in particular, you might read THE SIGIL, on sale for 99 cents on Amazon, and its upcoming sequel, NIGHT TERRORS!)

matt’s face when tary said “faithful wife” + marianne being salty about “finding a life outside the family” = mom wants the family name to falter so she has a reason to leave dad and go marry someone else

IT’S WHAT I WOULD WRITE

rip taliesin 2x combo

rip liam

"the rats are like 'we reserved this table two weeks ago'"

"nobody's just old" vox machina vs old people

"I forgot how old I am" same

the curse of slow NPCs

"aww, look at that. that's disgusting."

"was that like lying down on a saltine for you?"

"you ARE a kaiju"

I miss Gaijin Smash. I get why he quit doing it but I miss it.

rip taliesin 3x combo with supersize fries

"okay now I feel better"

ten rl minutes

"made of muscle and anger" same

I AM THAT IS 

"there are RULES now, fuck"

vax asking about dranzel :(

I'm excited to see art of this guy

"what other abilities can you enhance" [lenny]

"MOTHERFUCKER that's not what the fuck I said THAT'S MY DRINK"

you knew exactly where that was going, ashley

vex stop volunteering your friends to kill people

oh god if they find out about percy they're gonna ask for guns

yes percy you politick the fuck out of this

it's raishan

"I'm feeling pretty good about this one" welp they're fucked

"I would hire a couple of people" with what

I SWEAR I've heard of "heruthis" (sp) before

vax sounds like a duck the whole time they're misty stepped

do not bring back the skeleton. do not  make them realize they are a skeleton.

they dug too deep

the skitterers is my 80s pop rock band

get dem AOEs ready y'all

"we gotta kill alec baldwin"

vex uses her favored terrain correctly, what show am I watching

oh thank god my twitch fucked up

(guess who gets secondhand embarrassment real bad it's me)

mala: life needs bacon to live

bracelet of the fourth wall

"I rolled a two but it's a 37." matt's face

dangling

30+ episodes since tiberius left and I still wait for him to spontaneously cast light every time he hears the word

I'm seeing this whole thing in my head as a persona 4 boss fight

odds on vax losing another foot

QUICK TURN INTO A GOLDFISH

suddenly that episode of JLU where they got turned into kids and diana yelled at baby!etrigan

meelee

who's playing mei

oh, my internet fucked up that time, at least that's new

where can I buy this bath bomb

antbaby rail shooter

#critical role #crititag #reaction post #spoilers #critical role spoilers #self-promotion #book promotion

[faded-coat-of-blue]

To The Heart

#crit role #critical role #perc'ahlia #fanfic

[warninggraphiccontent]

7 June 2019

Bullet points

I did warn you.

I had a wonderful time talking about 'agile governance' in Berlin, thanks to the Hertie School of Governance (more to come on that - either here or in our future technology weeknote). I also popped into the Global Public Policy Institute and the very exciting CityLAB Berlin, which launches next week. Great to talk to so many people interested in improving government from all over the world.

We held our third Data Bites. It was, like the others, fun and informative. You can watch it here. And good discussion here.

I'm looking forward to taking part in a couple of events for the Orwell Foundation this weekend - tonight, with Claire Ainsley and Jean Seaton on technology and power, and tomorrow, hosting a series of lightning talks with a rather exciting line-up. Come!

I'm hosting one of the sessions in next week's IfG10 conference, celebrating - yes, you've guessed it - the tenth anniversary of the IfG. It's on the future of policymaking.

And finally... I did make it on to Radio 5 Live - and TV! - with the wonderful choir I sing with, the New Tottenham Singers. More here.

Today's links:

Graphic content

European elections, continued

The European elections 2019 in five charts* (FT, via Lee)

European Elections 2019: the big swings and subtler shifts within London’s weird-looking borough results map (On London)

Maps: The dominant swing pattern in each of the#EuropeanElections2019 counting areas, European election swing from Labour and UKIP vs Brexit (Ian Warren)

British politics

Thread: Conservative Party leadership contest (Lee for IfG)

Did you realise wards were actually very interesting? (Alasdair Rae - more here)

May overtakes Wellington (me)

UK’s next prime minister — who are the lead candidates?* (FT)

Everything else

Coffee supply threat: who gets what in the value chain* (FT, via Tim)

Here’s Why The Anti-Abortion Movement Is Escalating (FiveThirtyEight)

“Chernobyl” is on track to become the highest-rated TV series ever* (The Economist)

The gender pay gap in England’s NHS (The BMJ)

How New York’s Elite Public Schools Lost Their Black and Hispanic Students* (New York Times)

Graphics (FT, via Lee)

The terrible numbers that grow with each mass shooting* (Washington Post)

Visualizing tables: Formatting Regression Results in Excel and Choose your Table Fonts Carefully (PolicyViz)

Meta data

AI, etc

The AI gig economy is coming for you (MIT Technology Review)

Alexa, please explain the dark side of artificial intelligence* (FT)

Algorithm use in the criminal justice system report (The Law Society, via Graham)

Lawyers sound alarm on algorithms in policing* (FT, via Gemma)

'It's ghost slavery': the troubling world of pop holograms (The Guardian)

10 things we should all demand from Big Tech right now: We need an algorithmic bill of rights. AI experts helped us write one. (Vox)

Weeknote 5.0 (IfG Future Technology in Government project)

Add examples of future tech in government to our spreadsheet

Add suggestions to our glossary

Data

Data Bites #3 (Institute for Government)

Land data of my fathers; or, Mapping our way to more accessible data(Welsh Government)

Exclusive: Data reveals poor pupils' Xmas jumper shame (TES)

Sell Your Data. Earn Passive Income. What Could Go Wrong? (Slate)

Would you recognise yourself from your data? (BBC News)

Land for the Many: a report to the Labour Party

How Facebook shares its advertising data* (FT)

UK parking space data offered up to app developers (BBC News - seethread from Matt Stibbs, conversation with Leigh Dodds)

Everything else

Department for Education warned again on ministers' funding claims(Civil Service World)

The NHS App: a platform for innovation (Technology in the NHS)

Uncovering the many challenges of using technology sustainably (Defra Digital)

How each potential Tory leader scores on tech and science (Wired)

Journalists call for reform to stop public agencies blocking freedom of information (The Ferret)

Opportunities

JOB: We’re hiring a senior data journalist (The Economist)

JOB: Head of Privacy and Data Protection (Government Digital Service)

JOB: Director of Knowledge, Public Health Wales (Saxton Bampfylde)

EVENT: Citizen Beta summer gathering and talks! (Citizen Beta)

And finally...

A People Map of the UK, where city names are replaced by their most Wikipedia’ed resident: people born in, lived in, or connected to a place(The Pudding)

Acronym quiz! (part of our IfG future technology weeknote)

Top 10 most viewed #YouTube videos, 2006-2019 (via Randy OIson)

Name the Country from its Rail Network (Maps Mania)

[rubycoldwater]

Passengers Narrate Their Experience Plying the Kaduna-Abuja Railine - Nigeria Street Gist | Legit TV

Passengers Narrate Their Experience Plying the Kaduna-Abuja Railine - Nigeria Street Gist | Legit TV Passengers Narrate Their Experience Plying the Kaduna-Abuja Railine - Nigeria Street Gist | Legit TV Subscribe to Legit TV for more political and celebrity news! https://goo.gl/WtN4Yv Nigeria Street Gist: Nigerians using the newly built Kaduna-Abuja rail system share their experience with Legit.ng during a recent survey. The rail system is one of the achievements of the President Muhammadu Buhari-led administration and Nigerians have been talking about it. Subscribe to Legit TV for more political and celebrity news! https://goo.gl/WtN4Yv Current affairs - Nigeria News | Legit TV - https://bit.ly/2qZIi3V The latest Africa and Nigeria News on Legit TV! Daily current affairs and crime news. Issues of public concern and statements of opinion leaders. Political news, comments, and scandals. The views of experts and street interviews of ordinary citizens of Nigeria. Breaking news and updates. What's troubling people in Africa? And what news stories are the most discussed in Nigeria today? Save this playlist to be the first who gets the answers! Naija lifestyle | Legit TV - https://bit.ly/2qZNBzu This playlist contains videos under the heading “Naija LifeStyle”. Here you can find the latest Nigeria entertainment news. Do you like watching people answering tricky questions in the street interviews? Are you interested in gossip news? Do you want to know more about public and personal lives of Nigerian music artists, actors, and other famous people? Are you a music fan who wants to be the first to watch the newest music videos of Nigerian pop-stars and rock-bands? If at least one of your answers is “yes”, save this playlist and have fun! Special projects | Legit TV - https://bit.ly/2HwHUAj This playlist contains videos under the heading “Special projects” on Legit TV Hilarious comedy videos about life in Nigeria. Nigerian opinions on politics. Overviews of big political conflicts and social problems that concern the society. Success stories of self-made men and women. Exclusive interviews with public figures and your favorite stars. And amazing life stories of unusual and talented Nigerians which can inspire you. Save this playlist to get interesting content every day! Nigeria Top List | Legit TV - https://bit.ly/2JwAP3s In this playlist, we've collected videos that can broaden your horizons. The team of Legit TV regularly chooses top 5 interesting facts on different topics related to Africa. What were the biggest Africa’s scandals of the year? Who are the best football players in Nigeria? What interesting facts should you know about the Igbo people? Do you have the answers to these questions? Watch our top lists to stay on top of Nigeria entertainment news and learn more about Africa and Africans! Star Chat | Legit TV - https://bit.ly/2JtOqbL Are you looking for the latest news about famous Nigerians? Do you want to become closer to your favorite Nigerian celebrities? Do you want to watch only the best interviews with your favorite stars? Whatever your idols are doing, you will find it in this playlist. Also, you can be the first to know hot gossips, always stay on top of the biggest celebrity scandals and details of their personal lives. Save this playlist and get access to all Nigerian showbiz and entertainment news you are interested in. Sports news | Legit TV - https://bit.ly/2FjHqvh Do you want to enjoy updates on international sports events and the most important sports news of Nigeria? Watching this playlist, you can get the best sports coverage. The Legit TV team is bringing you the latest Nigerian and international sports news, gossips, and interviews. Watch football highlights and reviews of premier league football matches. Be the first to know boxing news and fights results. And, of course, enjoy vox-pop interviews of other passionate sports fans. ___ Do you want to know more about Nigeria breaking news? Connect with Legit TV! Visit Legit TV Site: https://www.legit.ng/ Follow Legit TV on Twitter: https://twitter.com/legitngnews Follow Legit TV on Facebook: https://ift.tt/1QsdYVZ Follow Legit TV on Instagram: https://ift.tt/2Aieh4o #LegitTV #naijcomtv #Legit #nigerianews

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#YouTube

[thoughtfullysillydelusion]

New video by Legit TV on YouTube

Passengers Narrate Their Experience Plying the Kaduna-Abuja Railine - Nigeria Street Gist | Legit TV Passengers Narrate Their Experience Plying the Kaduna-Abuja Railine - Nigeria Street Gist | Legit TV Subscribe to Legit TV for more political and celebrity news! https://goo.gl/WtN4Yv Nigeria Street Gist: Nigerians using the newly built Kaduna-Abuja rail system share their experience with Legit.ng during a recent survey. The rail system is one of the achievements of the President Muhammadu Buhari-led administration and Nigerians have been talking about it. Subscribe to Legit TV for more political and celebrity news! https://goo.gl/WtN4Yv Current affairs - Nigeria News | Legit TV - https://bit.ly/2qZIi3V The latest Africa and Nigeria News on Legit TV! Daily current affairs and crime news. Issues of public concern and statements of opinion leaders. Political news, comments, and scandals. The views of experts and street interviews of ordinary citizens of Nigeria. Breaking news and updates. What's troubling people in Africa? And what news stories are the most discussed in Nigeria today? Save this playlist to be the first who gets the answers! Naija lifestyle | Legit TV - https://bit.ly/2qZNBzu This playlist contains videos under the heading “Naija LifeStyle”. Here you can find the latest Nigeria entertainment news. Do you like watching people answering tricky questions in the street interviews? Are you interested in gossip news? Do you want to know more about public and personal lives of Nigerian music artists, actors, and other famous people? Are you a music fan who wants to be the first to watch the newest music videos of Nigerian pop-stars and rock-bands? If at least one of your answers is “yes”, save this playlist and have fun! Special projects | Legit TV - https://bit.ly/2HwHUAj This playlist contains videos under the heading “Special projects” on Legit TV Hilarious comedy videos about life in Nigeria. Nigerian opinions on politics. Overviews of big political conflicts and social problems that concern the society. Success stories of self-made men and women. Exclusive interviews with public figures and your favorite stars. And amazing life stories of unusual and talented Nigerians which can inspire you. Save this playlist to get interesting content every day! Nigeria Top List | Legit TV - https://bit.ly/2JwAP3s In this playlist, we've collected videos that can broaden your horizons. The team of Legit TV regularly chooses top 5 interesting facts on different topics related to Africa. What were the biggest Africa’s scandals of the year? Who are the best football players in Nigeria? What interesting facts should you know about the Igbo people? Do you have the answers to these questions? Watch our top lists to stay on top of Nigeria entertainment news and learn more about Africa and Africans! Star Chat | Legit TV - https://bit.ly/2JtOqbL Are you looking for the latest news about famous Nigerians? Do you want to become closer to your favorite Nigerian celebrities? Do you want to watch only the best interviews with your favorite stars? Whatever your idols are doing, you will find it in this playlist. Also, you can be the first to know hot gossips, always stay on top of the biggest celebrity scandals and details of their personal lives. Save this playlist and get access to all Nigerian showbiz and entertainment news you are interested in. Sports news | Legit TV - https://bit.ly/2FjHqvh Do you want to enjoy updates on international sports events and the most important sports news of Nigeria? Watching this playlist, you can get the best sports coverage. The Legit TV team is bringing you the latest Nigerian and international sports news, gossips, and interviews. Watch football highlights and reviews of premier league football matches. Be the first to know boxing news and fights results. And, of course, enjoy vox-pop interviews of other passionate sports fans. ___ Do you want to know more about Nigeria breaking news? Connect with Legit TV! Visit Legit TV Site: https://www.legit.ng/ Follow Legit TV on Twitter: https://twitter.com/legitngnews Follow Legit TV on Facebook: https://ift.tt/1QsdYVZ Follow Legit TV on Instagram: https://ift.tt/2Aieh4o #LegitTV #naijcomtv #Legit #nigerianews

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Passengers Narrate Their Experience Plying the Kaduna-Abuja Railine - Nigeria Street Gist | Legit TV

Passengers Narrate Their Experience Plying the Kaduna-Abuja Railine - Nigeria Street Gist | Legit TV Passengers Narrate Their Experience Plying the Kaduna-Abuja Railine - Nigeria Street Gist | Legit TV Subscribe to Legit TV for more political and celebrity news! https://goo.gl/WtN4Yv Nigeria Street Gist: Nigerians using the newly built Kaduna-Abuja rail system share their experience with Legit.ng during a recent survey. The rail system is one of the achievements of the President Muhammadu Buhari-led administration and Nigerians have been talking about it. Subscribe to Legit TV for more political and celebrity news! https://goo.gl/WtN4Yv Current affairs - Nigeria News | Legit TV - https://bit.ly/2qZIi3V The latest Africa and Nigeria News on Legit TV! Daily current affairs and crime news. Issues of public concern and statements of opinion leaders. Political news, comments, and scandals. The views of experts and street interviews of ordinary citizens of Nigeria. Breaking news and updates. What's troubling people in Africa? And what news stories are the most discussed in Nigeria today? Save this playlist to be the first who gets the answers! Naija lifestyle | Legit TV - https://bit.ly/2qZNBzu This playlist contains videos under the heading “Naija LifeStyle”. Here you can find the latest Nigeria entertainment news. Do you like watching people answering tricky questions in the street interviews? Are you interested in gossip news? Do you want to know more about public and personal lives of Nigerian music artists, actors, and other famous people? Are you a music fan who wants to be the first to watch the newest music videos of Nigerian pop-stars and rock-bands? If at least one of your answers is “yes”, save this playlist and have fun! Special projects | Legit TV - https://bit.ly/2HwHUAj This playlist contains videos under the heading “Special projects” on Legit TV Hilarious comedy videos about life in Nigeria. Nigerian opinions on politics. Overviews of big political conflicts and social problems that concern the society. Success stories of self-made men and women. Exclusive interviews with public figures and your favorite stars. And amazing life stories of unusual and talented Nigerians which can inspire you. Save this playlist to get interesting content every day! Nigeria Top List | Legit TV - https://bit.ly/2JwAP3s In this playlist, we've collected videos that can broaden your horizons. The team of Legit TV regularly chooses top 5 interesting facts on different topics related to Africa. What were the biggest Africa’s scandals of the year? Who are the best football players in Nigeria? What interesting facts should you know about the Igbo people? Do you have the answers to these questions? Watch our top lists to stay on top of Nigeria entertainment news and learn more about Africa and Africans! Star Chat | Legit TV - https://bit.ly/2JtOqbL Are you looking for the latest news about famous Nigerians? Do you want to become closer to your favorite Nigerian celebrities? Do you want to watch only the best interviews with your favorite stars? Whatever your idols are doing, you will find it in this playlist. Also, you can be the first to know hot gossips, always stay on top of the biggest celebrity scandals and details of their personal lives. Save this playlist and get access to all Nigerian showbiz and entertainment news you are interested in. Sports news | Legit TV - https://bit.ly/2FjHqvh Do you want to enjoy updates on international sports events and the most important sports news of Nigeria? Watching this playlist, you can get the best sports coverage. The Legit TV team is bringing you the latest Nigerian and international sports news, gossips, and interviews. Watch football highlights and reviews of premier league football matches. Be the first to know boxing news and fights results. And, of course, enjoy vox-pop interviews of other passionate sports fans. ___ Do you want to know more about Nigeria breaking news? Connect with Legit TV! Visit Legit TV Site: https://www.legit.ng/ Follow Legit TV on Twitter: https://twitter.com/legitngnews Follow Legit TV on Facebook: https://ift.tt/1QsdYVZ Follow Legit TV on Instagram: https://ift.tt/2Aieh4o #LegitTV #naijcomtv #Legit #nigerianews

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