the-classical-system

[the-classical-system]

One you can hold tight

Squeeze tight

Love tight.

She will get you through

the night

And come the light

of

day

it will all be gone.

It will all be

a

Dream.

Just a bad dream

Just a nightmare.

You’re here, you’re

Safe.

We’re

Safe.

What man?

What mother?

What father?

What brother?

What sister?

What neighbor?

What teacher?

What preacher?

What old-timey baker

What candlestick maker.

What gaslight?

What. Man.

There was no man.

There was no daddy.

There was no fear.

There was no danger.

There was no pain.

There were no broken bones.

No blood vessels leaking.

No blood.

No cum.

No terror.

No abuser.

No shifting organs.

No Johnny Cash.

No canoe paddle.

No cock.

No blood.

No cum.

No cunt.

No afternoon snack.

No bad ending.

No bad beginning.

Just sleep.

It was all

Just

a

Dream.

Just close your eyes and sleep

And know that

We will

Always

Love you.

I will

Always

Protect you.

.

i will

never

leave you

alone.

i will never

let it happen

ever

.again.

.

Hush little girl

Don’t you cry

Mama’s gonna buy you

A brand new life.

~

[a stream-of-consciousness poem

written by Alexei Marie Ofrei

Orange County, CA

September, 2001]

#cw: sexual assault #cw: csa #cw: child abuse #cw: emotional abuse #alexei marie ofrei #diychicago #this is a rough draft #please be gentle #diy art #diy music #diymusician #chronic illness #spoonie #ehlers danlos syndrome #actually a gypsy #actually autistic #actually disabled #actually traumagenic #dissociative identity disorder #did/osdd #gastroparesis #postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome #vascular ehlers danlos syndrome #entrepreneur #traumatized child #business owner #actually marginalized #black ribbon productions #lvhive

[the-classical-system]

Unpopular & Painful Reminder to all Empaths

...that you can become emotionally toxic to people regardless of your intentions. Emotionally abused empaths very easily become emotionally abusive narcissists

Intent vs. impact is important. But there are ALWAYS exceptions, especially when someone is going through any kind of trauma or marginalization.

The effects of trauma on a nation or group of people brings out the best but also the worst in ourselves. Just because you assume someone has privilege and no trauma, or because someone is having an invisible panic attack, or because someone looks white because of a connective tissue disease, or because they CAN communicate properly during a crisis, or because they have constant heart attacks and broken bones so their pain tolerance is stupid high.... nothing will ever take away the fact that those are literal truths for lots of people.

Assumed privilege is dangerous. Assumed empathy is dangerous. Assumed consent is dangerous.

But sometimes, you need to call your emergency contact to stop the heart attacks so you don’t die. Sometimes you need to call a person who doesn’t feel well or has anxiety or has any neurodivergencies and triggers because if you don’t, the panic attack will kill you.

Sometimes you get arrested and need to call someone who is afraid of police.

Sometimes you’re so touch starved from your own trauma responses and are panicking so hard about something that you *need* a hug from a person who doesn’t like to be touched.

Sometimes you NEED oxytocin or seratonin or dopamine because your brain doesn’t make those chemicals because you’re in adrenal failure and heart failure and liver failure and you’re allergic to medications and your GI tract is paralyzed...and if you don’t chemically and physiologically calm down *now*, your aorta will shred and you w i l l die this time.

Sometimes you need help. And sometimes you literally can’t bring yourself to ask because of a trauma response involving internal empathy and gatekeeping.

Sometimes you need help.

Sometimes they need help.

Don’t keep walking past them... just stop and ask if they need help.

Because in today’s age with the current social and political cultures, no one else will.

And they will die.

#blake #alison #spoonie #chronic illness #ehlers danlos syndrome #love #actually a gypsy #actually autistic #actually disabled #actually traumagenic #empath #spoonie witch #spoonie warrior #gypsy wagon #diy filmmaking #diy art #diy music #diychicago #empathy vs apathy #emotional abuse #toxic relationship #self awakening #self awareness #someone enlighten me #awareness is painful #but suck it up #intent is important too #everything is objective #and everything is subjective #terminally ill

[the-classical-system]

Unofficial petition to change “masculine” & “feminine” energy descriptors

My roommate and I decided at 5 AM it should be maybe “logic brain” vs “empathy brain” or “logical” vs “creative” or something

Suggestions are welcome as long as you’re not being a gender binary-supporting asshat

#trans masc #trans feminine #nonbinary #nonbinary witch #diy art #diy music #diychicago #diy filmmaking #underground #artists hivemind #spoonie #chronicillness #vascular ehlers danlos syndrome #did/osdd #cptsd #actually borderline #bipolar #actually traumagenic #fuck the gender binary #stop gendering everything #logic is not a masculine trait #empathy is not a feminine trait #just stop it

[the-classical-system]

hey ik we’re rejecting “softboys” this year but can we not throw trans boys and gay men under the bus while we do that because expressing femininity and desiring to be soft and in touch with your emotions isnt a bad fucking thing

[the-classical-system]

Farewell online privacy

[the-classical-system]

Entertainment Spotlight: Kari Wahlgren

Kari Wahlgren is one of the busiest voice actresses around. You probably know her for voicing ‘Jessica’ in Rick and Morty, and she can currently be heard voicing ‘Zatanna’ in DC Super Hero Girls, among many other things. We got the chance to ask her a few questions. 

What’s the best advice that you’ve ever received?

Be persistent. Be kind.

Which character that you voice do you relate the most to?

Maybe my first anime character, Haruko. She’s got so many different sides to her personality…and I definitely feel like an alien sometimes.

What’s the first thing that you remember being a fan of?

Wonder Woman comics

How do you get into the mindset of your character(s) in the recording booth?

Music always pumps me up before recording sessions. I listen to a lot of hair bands! Sometimes the engineer will play one or two lines of the character’s voice in the booth, and that’s enough to just click me into the zone…

Who’s a character you’d love to voice act?

I hope I get a chance to voice Emma Frost again… I think she’s a fascinating character…

What’s a question you’ve always wanted to get asked in an interview?

Something that surprises me.… I’ll know the question when I hear it!

Thanks, Kari! 

[the-classical-system]

*bends over seductively and picks up a toad*

[the-classical-system]

everyone feels robbed of ideal teenage years that don’t really exist 

[the-classical-system]

#blake #spoonie #chronic illness #ehlers danlos syndrome #actually autistic #actually disabled #diy art #diy music #diychicago #actually traumagenic #did/osdd #dissociation #dissociative identity disorder #cripple punk #actually a gypsy #romani italian #romani holocaust #sinti genocide #vascular ehlers danlos syndrome

[the-classical-system]

A stream-of-consciousness collaboration brought to you by Alexei Marie Ofrei

#ehlers danlos syndrome #chronic illness #spoonie #actually autistic #actually disabled #art #diychicago #diy music #diy art #little village #artists hivemind #actually a gypsy #actually traumagenic #did/osdd #dissociative identity disorder #cptsd #transient #actually romani #roma sinti #romani holocaust #romani genocide #salvini #sicilian gypsy #the sick muse #prop thtr

[the-classical-system]

IT IS VERY REAL!! ALWAYS BE AWARE.

Don’t take them off when you immediately see it. Wait until you get to a different destination bc they’re trying to distract you by getting it off then abducting you. Same thing goes if you find something on your windshield, it’s a distraction so they have time to get you.    

[the-classical-system]

Were You Born Under The Gaslight?

When applied to a family, the gaslight treatment is a special form of dysfunction. It happens when you, a child, receive messages or encounter experiences within the family which are deeply contradictory. Messages which are opposing and conflicting; experiences which can’t both be true. When you can’t make sense of something, it’s natural to apply the only possible answer:

“Something is wrong with me.”

Today, scores of children are growing up under a gaslight of their own. And scores of adults are living their lives baffled by what went on in their families, having grown up thinking that they, not their families, are crazy.

I have seen gaslighting cause personality disorders, depression, anxiety, and a host of other lifelong struggles. Receiving contradictory messages that don’t make sense can shake the very ground that a child walks on.

The Four Types of Child Gaslighting:

1. The Double-Bind Parent: This type was first identified by Gregory Bateson in 1956.  The double-bind mother has been linked by research to the development of schizophrenia and Borderline Personality Disorder. This type of parent goes back and forth unpredictably between enveloping (perhaps smothering) the child with love and coldly rejecting him.

The Message: You are nothing. You are everything. Nothing is real. You are not real.

The Gaslight Effect: As an adult, you don’t trust yourself, your validity as a human being, your feelings, or your perceptions. Nothing seems real. You stand on shaky ground. You have great difficulty trusting that anyone means what they say. It’s extremely hard to rely on yourself or anyone else.

2. The Unpredictable, Contradictory Parent: Here, your parent might react to the same situation drastically differently at different times or on different days, based on factors that are not visible to you. For example a parent who is under the influence of alcohol or drugs one day and not the next; a parent who is manic at times, and depressed other times, or a parent who is extremely emotionally unstable. Whatever the reason for the parent’s opposing behaviors, you, the innocent child, know only that your parent flies into a rage one moment and is calm and seems normal the next.

The Message: You are on shaky ground. Anything can happen at any time. No one makes sense.

The Gaslight Effect: You don’t trust your own ability to read or understand people; you have difficulty managing and understanding your own emotions, and those of others. You struggle to trust anyone, including yourself.

3. The Appearance-Conscious Family: In these families, style always trumps substance. All must look good, or maybe even perfect, especially when it’s not. There’s little room for the mistakes, pain, or natural human shortcomings of the family members. The emphasis is on presenting the image of the ideal family. Here, you experience a family which appears perfect from the outside, but which is quite imperfect, or even severely dysfunctional, on the inside. This can stem from Achievement / Perfection focused parents (as described in Running on Empty), or from narcissistic parents.

The Message: You must be perfect. Natural human flaws, mistakes, and weaknesses must be hidden and ignored. You are not allowed to be a regular human being.

The Gaslight Effect: You feel deeply ashamed of yourself and your basic humanness. You ignore your own feelings and your own pain because you don’t believe it’s real, or that it matters. You tend to see and focus on only the positive things in your life, which fit into a particular template. You are extremely hard on yourself for making mistakes, or you put them out of your mind and simply pretend they didn’t happen. You may be missing out on the most important parts of life which make it worthwhile: the messy, real world of intimacy, relationships and emotion.

4. The Emotionally Neglectful Family (CEN): In this family, your physical needs may be met just fine. But your emotional needs are ignored. No one notices what the children are feeling. The language of emotion is not used in the home. “Don’t cry,” “Suck it up,” “Don’t be so sensitive,” are frequently uttered by the CEN parent. The most basic, primary part of what makes you you (your emotional self) is treated as a burden or non-existent.

The Message: Your feelings and needs are bad and a burden to others. Keep them hidden. Don’t rely on others, and don’t need anything. You don’t matter.

The Gaslight Effect: You have been trained to deny the most deeply personal, biological part of who you are, your emotions, and you have dutifully pushed them out of sight and out of mind. Now, you live your life with a deeply ingrained feeling that you are missing something that other people have. You feel empty or numb at times. You don’t trust yourself or your judgments because you lack your emotions to guide you. Your connections to others are one-way or lack emotional depth. Even if you are surrounded by people, deep down you feel alone. None of it makes any sense to you.

Were you born under the gaslight? If so, you are not alone. You are not invalid or crazy or wrong. it’s vital to realize that you have been, by definition, deeply invalidated. But “invalidated” and “invalid” are not the same. “Invalidated” is an action, and “invalid” is a state of mind. You can’t change what your parents did and didn’t do, but you can change your state of mind.

SOURCE: [ x x x x ]

[the-classical-system]

DID, Littles, & Relationships

Anyone who has either DID or OSDD with littles— I have a pretty urgent question

So along with being an autistic DID traumagenic system, I have a terminal congenital condition that has weakened my heart— specifically my aorta— to an extremely dangerous extent over the last five days. As of yesterday morning I have an abdominal aortic aneurysm AND a thoracic aortic aneurysm. It’s now at the point where, if any part of me has ANY anxiety, my blood pressure skyrockets and my heart rate gets really high, and every time that happens my aorta gets weaker and weaker. It’s basically made out of wet tissue paper at this point. Most people with this condition die between the ages of 10-28, and being 27, I’m really scared that all of the medical and emotional trauma from the last five days has shortened our lifespan to the point where we may not make it another week, let alone another year.

My little is extremely overly empathetic and is also largely nonverbal, or at least she was up until a few weeks ago when she decided to make herself known to someone for the very first time. She’s been coming out and fronting around them without any of the adults present to keep her safe and watch how much she shares, and so she’s been sharing *all* of herself with this person— which was really helping to undo a lot of the emotional damage that our two biggest abusers had instilled in her, namely the thought that she isn’t worthy or capable of love and that she should be seen and not heard. Since all of this happened we’ve been doing a LOT of writing and music composition again which has been so amazing but also very emotionally painful and draining. Last night the person she viewed as her protective older sibling very suddenly cut off contact with us without warning in a very triggering way, which caused another cardiac episode— and the rest of us are fine at losing people we love because it happens so often, but this is the very first time my little has gone through this with someone she had decided to trust implicitly since we were about 8-years-old (and that time was less traumatizing because there were definite warning signs; this one essentially came flying out of the dense woods behind left field lol).

If we weren’t so physically ill and at extremely high risk for a spontaneous aortic dissection, all of this would be significantly easier and we could afford to take our time to try and emotionally heal from the pain from being emotionally abused and gaslit by another person who “cared” for us, but given the complications with vEDS I sort of need some urgent advice as to how to stop her panic attacks like ASAP. Over the last few months she started relying on this person to help curb her anxiety and panic attacks but obviously we now need to find her a new coping skill to stop them and it needs to happen now.

Nothing I’ve usually done in the past is working— typically I’m able to find her a piece of metal or wood to whittle while I sing to her and that works pretty well, but now it’s only making it worse because she’s associated all of her normal lullabies with this person and trying to find new ones is doing the same thing. Does anyone have any advice when it comes to forcing a little to calm down q u i c k l y and efficiently? This is the first time in our life where we are surrounded by people who understand us (our roommates) and are creating lots of music and writing and paintings, and it’s also the first time where every part of me wants to actually live... but now that we had the cardiac arrest episode on Saturday and then three really bad episodes with the abdominal aneurysm since yesterday morning I’m terrified that the next time my little thinks about her person in any capacity, it will cause one or both of the aneurysms to finally dissect (and given the fact that I also have POTS and GP and extremely thin blood, when that happens we’ll bleed out internally in a matter of seconds).

Can someone please comment or message me with any suggestions? Thank you!!!

#blake #vascular ehlers danlos syndrome #veds #ehlers danlos syndrome #actually traumagenic #did/osdd #postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome #pots #aortic aneurysm #aortic dissection #cardiac arrest #cardiac tamponade #spoonie #chronicillness #actually autistic #traumatized child #actually disabled #cptsd #mcas #mcad #sick sinus syndrome #help

[the-classical-system]

“I don’t want to fall in love anymore, I feel like I’m constantly repeating myself; telling people my favourite songs, showing them my favourite movies and TV shows, my favourite colour, places I like to visit, just everything. And I’m tired of repeating myself, I don’t have the energy anymore. I want someone who already knows that a particular song is my favourite because it makes me cry happy tears, I want someone who knows that this movie is my favourite, because one of my earliest memories was watching it as a kid, when we were still a family. I don’t want to give people parts of me only for them to become a stranger again, It’s not fair. I’m tired”

— blue-eyes-xo  (via wnq-writers)

#blake&julian #isobel

[the-classical-system]

My psychiatrist kept on telling me “Well let’s stay alive and see what happens” during our session today and I really felt that.

[the-classical-system]

A note to introjects

You are not bad because of your source.

It doesn’t matter who you may be an introject of. Fictional, factual, good, bad- none of these things make up who you are and who you have to be, no matter how “evil” you may have been in source. You are more than your source, and you can be whoever you want to be, regardless of if it lines up with your pseudomemories or not. You did not choose your source. You did not choose to be whoever you’re an introject of. You are not a bad person for coming from whatever your source is.

You can change your name. You can change your pronouns. You can identify as a different gender, or have a different sexuality. You can act different. It’s okay. You’re not betraying anyone or anything if you choose to be detached from, or different from, your source. It’s also perfectly okay to be the same as you were in source. Whether you change or not, you are you, and nobody else, even your own pseudomemories, can invalidate that.

You are an alter like all the others. You are not a kintype. You are not an RP device. You are an alter. You are a person. You are just as complex and able to be and do as you please as any other alter in your system. You are not fake for existing. You are not fake because of your pseudomemories, or because there’s “too many” introjects in your system. 

All that matters about you is who you want to be, and who you feel you are now. No matter who you may have been in the past, you are what you choose to be in this moment, and that will always be enough. I’m proud of you. <3

[the-classical-system]

A woman traveling into the dark woods to an evil witch’s house to trade her firstborn child for selfish desires sounds a lot like a demonized version of a woman traveling to see a cunning woman to aid her with an unwanted pregnancy js