the-dizziest-dreamer

[the-dizziest-dreamer]

Hours mean nothing, when you’re awake for all of them. Voices chatting in hushed tones,  tripping up stairs in the darkness,  giggling and reaching out for each other. Stars keep twinkling,  the sky looks too close, like I could reach out and touch it, like I could lift it up at the corners and drape myself in it like a blanket. People drift in their slumber, dreams that’ll never come for me. Even a nightmare would be a welcome distraction. The angry red numbers, that colon blinking in time with my heart beat, notching up and up, closer to 4, closer to 5, closer to the light. Even sunrises lose their majesty. I’m still stuck on what I can’t describe.

[the-dizziest-dreamer]

You are not your midnight thoughts. You are not the 12 am that feels like drowning as dark envelops the shades of your eyes. You are more than those times when you tried to battle with drowsiness because of the deadliest deadline the morning after. You are not the suicidal voice that whispers in your ears when the clock says it’s already 1 am. You are not regrets that knock when 2 am arrives and you feel like you missed and wasted so much of times. You are not depression that hits you as the wind blow colder in 3 am, when you think that the world is having fun while you are stuck in you damn lonely bed for two and have nothing but your body and pillows. You are not the dreams gone by when you realize that it’s already 4 am and that you are tired of being awake but still can’t close your eyes fearing of the nightmares of the dawn. You are not your tears when you can’t hold it in anymore when the time falls 5 am and the breeze reminds you of being alone, and your blanket is too huge for solo sleep, while the space on your bed longs for another body. You are not sadness that strikes at 6 am when you see the street lights  through your window slowly turning off and joggers on the street start running. You are not the rush 7 am brings when you force to fix yourself  to dwell with morning after the sleepless night with only coffee as your therapy.  -Insomnia(You are not those nights), Albertus

#this is so good

[the-dizziest-dreamer]

In honor of me reciting a very special poem I wrote tomorrow here it is.

How do you tell the person you love that you’re not okay?

That your stomach does kart wheels at the idea of the next breath much less the next day.

That your body shivers from cold memories of the past.

Assuming I’ll make it to graduation much less marriage is a bold claim.

One I’m uncomfortable with.

How do you tell someone you’re not okay?

Cry out for help?

That right before your eyes, reality is splitting in two.

Between the cracks and folds are twisted creatures only I can see.

How to say that this skin is not my own,

That it doesn’t fit but it won’t come off,

J-Just come off already!

How do I say I’m hurting

That my heart has long since been shattered and no amount of Elmer’s glue will mend the pieces.

That no matter how much gold and silver you pour into these bones it still doesn’t cover that they’re broken.

I am broken.

See I’ve hidden it well, so well that no one assumes different.

I’m a happy and bubbly girl

I hide the cracks and flaws with makeup and pretending to be someone that I simply am not.

How do you tell someone that every day is a battle to face,

And that it’s by the grace of god I’m still here.

Everyone assumes through the smile I paint on over bloody and bruised skin

Through the big heart I quickly scribbled over my shattered lungs.

Through the open arms I forced, while I swallowed my fear of being hurt.

How do I say, “I am not well”

Because

I am not well.

#mine #poems on tumblr #my poem #poem #poems #mental health #depression #tw #tw self loathing #tw trauma mention #tw body dismorphia #body image #self hate #ask for help #it gets better #hold onto hope

[the-dizziest-dreamer]

You were the world

The hero of her fairytale

A strong figure standing tall

Protecting her small frame from evil

You had all of her

You held her every need

Gave her everything she could ask for

You were always there

Until you weren’t

One day her world had virtually disappeared

A six year old simply cannot understand

Her default was to blame herself

Her hero went missing, in his place a villain,

Sitting where Daddy used to

Posing as her father

The villain didn’t like her very much.

She didn’t show her heart to the new imposter.

Mourning the loss of what used to be.

You never heard the cries of a seven year old

Asking if her daddy hates her

No you would never

She grew to hate the phrase “Daddy’s girl”

Because it reminded her of when you were still there

Before the fake took your place

She hid from the you that was left

For ten years

She hid trying to forget the sweet candy coated memories now stained in sea salt tears

You never noticed her hurting

Instead you chose to hurt her more

Name calling and snippy comments were your only interactions

For ten years

She claimed she didn’t have a father

For ten years

You were just a man paying the bills

A man she used to know

A man who tried to give orders

A man without her respect

You assisted in giving her life but chose not to be present in the hardest part, raising her.

At age 16 you finally made an attempt

It started with an uncomfortable hand hold in church

For years she craved your approval

Until she gave up

For years she craved your attention

Until she gave up

So why now?

Why after she’s given up on you

After she’s learned to live without you

Do you try to be the father she needed you to be years ago?

Why now do you try to be the hero to her story?

Why try when it’s too late?

And why do you get to leave right after she decided to give you a second chance?

She trusted you one last time with her heart,

And the villain in you abandoned her once more

- You’re not the hero a father gets made out to be.

#short poem #my poem #poems on tumblr #poets on tumblr #poem #poetry

[the-dizziest-dreamer]

The only thing I can count on you to do is leave.

You’ve done it so many times

When I was a baby

When I was 6

When I was 17

When things get tough you abandon me

I never blamed you though

I was a handful only mama could hold together

I was a pill too big to swallow

Who killed herself slowly by trying to fill your shoes.

When Mama got sick you did nothing but watch me break myself so you’d have it cushy

I made it easy for you to push me

It was my fault you left

I opened the door and laid down for you to politely step on.

All you cared about was yourself and you didn’t care if you hurt your own children to get your way.

Your son turned out just like you

Are you happy?

Someone is finally just as twisted as you are

But you’ve “changed” now, and hate to see your own son be so hateful.

You still ignore your daughter and refuse to recognize how she hurts.

Hurts because you still call her names

Hurts because you still use her

Hurts because you still don’t acknowledge that your father hurt her the way your uncles hurt you

You still ignore everything that’s happened

When you changed you still hadn’t learned a lesson.

You left then

You came back

You left today

You’ll come back

And you’ll leave again

#short poem #my poem #poems on tumblr #poets on tumblr #poem #poetry

[the-dizziest-dreamer]

“She’s crazy”

You mumble as I walk away.

Justifying your ignorance by my sanity.

Don’t worry it’s easy to get a rise out of the family psycho,

just kick her when she’s down,

Get a laugh at her attempts to fight back.

My sanity isn’t your excuse to treat me however you want

Your spiteful “jokes” hurt

They aren’t related to my mental health in the slightest

So look deeper

See the real problem

You.

You hurt

But still have the audacity to call yourself family.

#short poem #my poem #poems on tumblr #poets on tumblr #poem #poetry

[the-dizziest-dreamer]

All of my poetry and stuff is going on this blog!!!! So in honor here’s a poem I wrote right after I came out as lesbian!

When I was little

I learned this trick

If you say or write a word enough times,

It’ll lose it’s meaning

For example;

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,

Beautiful

It soon jumbles together

Leaving you with nothing but a mess of foreign letters and sounds

Leaving you numb to the delicate meaning behind those letters

Words are fragile

And it didn’t take me long to learn how to break them

I grew up being labeled from a young age

Fat, Dumb, Outcast, Loner, Emo

There was an endless list of names used to “describe” me

Words hurt, but I had my own defense

I took the meaning away with repetition

Fat, Fat, Fat,

Fat, Fat, Fat

Stupid, Stupid, Stupid

Stupid, Stupid, Stupid

When I was thirteen I finally admitted to myself

I’m Gay

I was labeling myself this time

And It hurt

Gay, Gay, Gay,

Gay, Gay, Gay,

Gay, Gay

Nothing

You see there’s a flaw with this method

You try to disarm the word

But you never learn to accept it,

Only repress it.

Now, my mind does this thing

Where I get stuck on a word and repeat it

Until I have a headache and I’m dizzy

The labels meant nothing

When they came from someone else

But coming from me

It was a pill too big to swallow

I’m seventeen

This label has haunted me long enough

And it’s time I learned to accept it

It’s time I learned to accept myself

You see,

When I was little

I learned this trick

If you say or write a word enough times

It’ll lose its meaning

It soon jumbles together

Leaving you with nothing but a mess of foreign letters and sounds

But it doesn’t allow you to accept it’s meaning.

Today I will no longer disarm words from their meaning

But now linger and learn to make peace with it.

#poetry #poems on tumblr #poem #my poem #short poem #poets on tumblr

[the-dizziest-dreamer]

This also lives on here now

So I write things and I was considering posting them so here’s one and y’all let me know if I should keep doing it.

She is the silhouette that embodies a sweet symphony of understanding.

Smiles that switch into flushed cheeks.

She is the sunset with brilliant yellows and pinks,

Butterflies that turn into internal earthquakes leaving me breathless at her touch.

She is a drug,

Pure cocaine,

I never knew addiction until I felt her rush.

She is the most tempting and innocent sin,

One I’m happy committing

She is the joyous sore stomach

From a laugh so good we developed abs.

She is the lighthearted conversation

Keeping me from breaking

When everything seems wrong or off

She’s the exception.

She is the silhouette that embodies a sweet symphony of freedom

Freedom I can’t grasp just yet

She is just that, my silhouette

[the-dizziest-dreamer]

This shall live on here now 💖

Since you guys seemed to like me sharing one of my poem things here’s another

Brilliant twinkles lit up her eyes like the constellations of the midnight sky,

Racing hearts gathered together with stomachs full of butterflies.

It felt like an eternity before the silence was broken by cries of admiration,

Little confessions littering the air around them,

Littering the air they were sharing,

Infatuation inflating their teenage minds,

Addicted was an understatement to the feeling of when they got a taste of dopamine.

Narcotics could never compare to this high they shared.

Truly, tonight was brilliant.