thelostintrovert

[thelostintrovert]

“I’m still not over my sad past and I don’t think I will ever be.”

— Lana Del Rey

[thelostintrovert]

It’s good to be back. Should I write again?

#random #suicide #depression #anxiety #writer

[thelostintrovert]

I feel so sad for no reason. A feeling that I can’t even explain as of the moment.

#pain #sadness #depression #random #suicide #alone #personal #death #journal #dark #thoughts #kill me #lonely #agony

[thelostintrovert]

“I am tired of being told I am loved and cared about but never made to feel that way.”

— your actions and words never match

[thelostintrovert]

As the discussion about existentialism during our philosophy class ended,

I approached my professor and asked, “I have already given too much for someone, but why does it seems like I am still not that enough for that person? Is there something wrong and missing piece to what I did?”

The professor looked at me worriedly and answered, “There’s nothing missing and at the same time, there’s nothing wrong in what you did. Maybe, you’re not just the one that person is expecting, presuming, and hoping for. What you did and what you gave, that person could be expecting and hoping that it should have always come from someone, not you.”

“How is that so? Please enlighten me on this, professor", I responded.

The disquietude starts to sink in the classroom until the professor finally answered,

“You’re not the missing piece, my child.

You’re not the happiness that the person is finding. You may not be the light that the person needs on that darkness.

You’re not the favorite tea nor coffee.

I can see in your eyes that you have already given too much value for that person. It’s already more than enough, and you already know that to yourself.

But for someone who doesn’t need and value you, they will never see it that way. It is not enough. It will always not be enough for them. You are not the one who could fill that empty cup.”

“Look on the bigger perspective.”, as the professor added. “If everything that you did for that person came from the someone that they deeply like, no matter what value it is—could it be a bare minimum or not more than enough, that person will always be thankful and feel that it's enough. It’s because it came from the person that they truly expect and hope for.

What you did and what you gave, those could be maximal or more than enough, but still, there is always something missing in the life of that person because you are not what that person expects. You are not special in the same way you see that person. What you did and what you gave, it means nothing to that person, but it would've been the best thing that happened for them, if ever it came from someone they always cherish and hope for. I’m so sorry, my child. I can see that you have been hurt so much, maybe, it’s time for you to disappear for a while this time.”

—thlstintrvrt

#pain #sadness #depression #suicide #alone #death #personal #journal #dark #thoughts #lonely #agony

[thelostintrovert]

Sometimes, reaching out to people is just so very tiring. That no matter how you pour out your feelings and emotions to someone, it often feels like that they won’t ever understand or a silent treatment is always given.

There’s a saying that you should learn to reach out when you’re in pain or hurting but it seems like everything is just an illusion.

There’s no one to lean in to. Until my very own last breath, it’s always myself that I can lean in to.

No matter how you try to be the best of the best for someone. All you got is no one and nothing.

#pain #sadness #depression #random #suicide #alone #death #personal #journal #dark #thoughts #kill me #lonely #agony

[thelostintrovert]

Whatever you have right now, take care of it. Nowadays, it’s rare to find a person who will stay and sticks with you despite all.

Never wait for that moment before you realize how important they are in your life.

If the love is true, hold on to it and never let go..

#random #personal #journal #dark #thoughts #agony #reblog #repost

[thelostintrovert]

Relationships, doesn’t work one way.

#random #personal #journal #dark #thoughts #agony #reblog #repost

[thelostintrovert]

It feels like I’m so done

I’m so done with everything

#pain #sadness #depression #random #suicide #alone #death #personal #journal #dark #thoughts #kill me #lonely #agony

[thelostintrovert]

Chapter 1

Every ending has a new beginning. Though the scars may remain, every pain that was endured and felt needs a new beginning. A brand new start. Everything should be different, everything should be different for now. It shouldn’t be the same with the past anymore. The past should be left behind. Hoping history doesn’t repeat itself.

“Is this a brand new start? Will everything be different for now?” I wondered.

“I hope so. I really hope so...”

But here’s the twisted thing. There’s no more hope, no more chances left, and no more new beginnings. This could be the last of everything. This could be the end.

“The last of everything? How could that be?”

“It’s the breaking point. All the strings inside me broke. The most important of all, a very versatile and indestructible one last string finally broke. A one last string that was suddenly broken lead me towards the period of a sentence, a deafening silence, and the end of everything.”

I’ve wanted to stop these thoughts but it just can’t anymore.

“How did all the strings inside me broke? It started with that one last string. That is the time where I have given life one more hope, one last chance. I have given life one more try, to keep trying, to keep going for the better of everything. Hoping for everything to change, to be different, to be better, and not be the same as before. The darkness that I felt within and consumed me so much, I somehow hope to find the light again. That beacon of light that could take away the darkness. With this feeling of being drowned that made me barely breathing, I somehow hope for someone to rescue me. With this feeling of being invisible and ignored, I somehow hope to find that belongingness, to finally fit in somewhere and feel accepted. This feeling of burden, I did hope that someone could lessen it. I did hold on to that last string but still, everything fell to nothing.”

I found a resemblance. A striking resemblance of something that I thought is different, could be different, and will be different. Despite of the wounds, I still gave it a try. I believe in the hope that it is for the better. I let my guards down, to let someone in. I once thought that it was a beacon of light but it’s not, it’s just another darkness. A darkness that left so much misery, torment, and agony. The pain become worst, it feels like it won’t heal anymore. I was pushed more into the darkness. Everything got darker and darker. I can’t believe that this sudden present had mirrored the past, the history repeats itself. It’s such a horrible one to feel the pain all at once again.

I did try to hold on but still, I failed. Why is everything I do wrong? No matter how I try to bring back all the strings inside me again but they don’t anymore. Maybe, I am not meant to be saved. Some people are not meant to be saved. Do you know what others say? Just reach out when you’re in pain when you’re hurting. Say what you truly feel, you won’t be judged, you will feel better. Look at how these kinds of things are still an illusion. You won’t still feel better. You will be judged. It only made everything worse. I tried to do some of these things, it only got worse, my life got worse.

As I stand at the edge of a cliff while staring at the sunset, I keep on thinking if I still wanted to see another tomorrow.

A friend tried to get hold of me but my racing thoughts can’t seem to stop. My thoughts can’t seem to stop on how everything is going to end any day, anytime, or at any moment.

Chapter 2

Disappear...

To finally disappear.

That’s always the word I have in mind. Why do I still need to instill my presence if being alive doesn’t make any difference? I am always invisible to everyone.

I’ve wanted everything to stop. I wanted to stop the pain.

It has always been a cry for help but no one seems to notice it

A deafening silence that no one can hear

What makes it seems to stop me from not ending it?

There’s no point to keep on going anymore

[thelostintrovert]

sometimes it just hurts and there is nothing you can do about it

[thelostintrovert]

I always wish for myself to die. Isn’t that enough?

[thelostintrovert]

11:11

You may not know it, but I’m also hoping and praying for the best of everything for you too.

#pain #sadness #depression #random #alone #death #personal #journal #dark #thoughts #agony

[thelostintrovert]

It’s back.

These suicidal thoughts are really back in my mind again.

If ever I succeeded, would you still come looking for me?

#pain #sadness #depression #suicide #alone #death #personal #journal #dark #thoughts #kill me #lonely #agony

[thelostintrovert]

If someone let us go

with no clear reasons.

We have to be okay with that.

We really have to.

Some questions just stay as questions. Questions that don’t need answers.

In the end, it may be the same thing.

We stay as questions to them.

#pain #sadness #depression #suicide #alone #death #personal #journal #dark #thoughts #kill me #repost #lonely #agony

[thelostintrovert]

[thelostintrovert]

“If someone is drowning in the sea. Don’t just bring a lifesaver. Sometimes, you have no choice but to jump in too to understand the pain of their suffocation and the dread of the sea. Don’t just let yourselves go both drowning. Have that strength to encourage someone to keep swimming to stay on the surface.”

—thlstintrvrt // Thoughts and Excerpts from Blue Period

#thoughts #random #pain #sadness #depression #suicide #alone #death #dark #darkness