thisis-meh

[thisis-meh]

And I thought I would come back here writing about how life is good and things turned the way it was .

I thought .

But here I am writing again about loosing my beloved grandpa whom I called my whole life ( father ) .. 2 months exactly after loosing grandma he couldn’t stay or live without her..

The sweetest man ever with a big smile on his face always , the man who always asks me about my university life and encourages me to be the best , the one who always calls me to ask if I am going to visit him today , the one who always insist on me eating and drinking coffee ( especially ).. the one who always always would give me something ( money ) on the way in or out of his house and wouldn’t let anyone pay for anything if we are with him.. the one who would take us with him to his ranch each Friday to play with the cattle when we were kids..

The one who would mention the dogs/puppies around the ranch ( because he knows I love them and always wanted a puppy ) .. A year or more ago before everything went down we made a plan ( him, my lil sister and I ) to bring a a stray puppy into their backyard because I didn’t have any free space..everything was set but my dear grandma didn’t want to and came up with the I am allergic to animals and what If my house gets dirty..

I remember our trip with him to London , how we would all stay up at night and watch his favorite shows in his room or the way he convinced us to rearrange the whole room so he can sleep with the mattress on the floorcuz that’s the way he sleep lol which we did .. or the way I made him love cappuccino that every time he goes out with anyone he would ask for ( what’s Aisha’s drink ? ) or how every woman we pass by in the streets would stop and flirt with him ( literally ) and compliment how elegant and well dressed he is..

..

I still haven’t cried or shed a tear on my grandma I can feel the pain in my chest and neck chocking me but I just can’t believe it or process it still… I still think or imagine her in her house that I stopped going their so I can’t face the ugly truth of her not being there.. I guess am just gonna stop myself from feeling this way and go on with imagining them still alive and well in their house cuz that’s what I did before.

I could talk about him and write but nothing would show how much I love him and will always miss him

Until we meet again

#grief/mourning #family loss #tw death #dear journal

[thisis-meh]

Dear friend Mars,

It’s been a month exactly since we lost her , a month without hearing her voice , a month without going to her house because of her , a month since I lost a huge part of my life that I still can’t process until now .

Today I drove with my sisters around the streets downtown were we used to go with her reminiscing the memories we have , how she ate her food , how she always made sure to help the waiters gathering the plates , how she pronounced some words , how she would refuse to let us kiss her head without a struggle and her smile when she see us coming.

I Miss her a lot , I can’t believe it and still refuse to talk about her in the past tense because it feels like a nightmare to me but with effects that are obvious and seen around me.

You will always be alive in my heart , our memories and stories of a lifetime we had.

I love you grams more than anything and wish it was all nothing but a nightmare I had and wished to go away.. I really really wish it wasn’t real.

#personal diary #journal #grief/mourning #loved ones #losing a loved one #feelings #emotions #denial #1month #passing away #a letter i'll never send

[thisis-meh]

Dear friend Mars,

I am sitting at the same table we had our lunch at a year ago , I am sitting there with a mask on my face to hide my sickness that got me outta nowhere and my sadness that I can’t contain.

The memories flash in front of my eyes where we laughed , talked and when you held my hand man I don’t think I can handle it anymore I am pretending that you’re still back in your home because the fact I am in denial is very real and true.

Maybe I can hold myself by the memes and tweets of people that makes the idea of sadness meaningless for a moment but I hope my mom can too, the fact she is here where she had millions of memories and the promises she gave to you that one day when you’re well and fine you will come here and drink your evening tea as you always did with a smile on your face.

“And I’ll grieve you forever until we meet again”

#journal #personal diary #grief/mourning #lost ones #memories #words

[thisis-meh]

source

[thisis-meh]

Dear friend Mars,

I learned these past few days that grieving is different ,weird and doesn’t have a specific time or limit.

I saw how some shed tears like a river with screams that made me shudder , I saw how some just moved on maybe because they have been sensing this day was coming too soon or maybe they cried in private while others like me are still in denial living life like nothing happened yet but I know that it’s gonna hit me and I won’t like it at all.

I remember the last time I lost a loved one , how I just disconnected from everything , everyone and just turned off my feelings which made me seem mean and cold but I just found it too hard to deal with my emotions and the concept of death.

Grieving someone doesn’t mean getting it done within the three days after the funeral , grieving a loved one shouldn’t be by getting rid of everything they owned as if they never existed , grieving is taking hold of things they loved , their memories and celebrating life the way they wanted but unfortunately they don’t get it.

The past year I started out of a sudden getting these panic attacks like MAJOR panic attacks kid you not everyday which was exhausting with anxiety about death that made me cry myself to sleep because it was too hard for me to shut my mind . Sleep was the worst thing ever even though I was a HUGE fan of it but just like that I wouldn’t sleep without headphones and listening to the greatest discovery I ever did which is a podcast or the sounds of woods or fire ( now I listen to a bunch of podcasts it depends on the mood mostly ).

And as always friend Mars I wish you all the good things and sending you much love until the next time.

“And I’ll grieve you forever until we meet again”

#journal #personal diary #diary #grief/mourning #grieving #letters

[thisis-meh]

Wishing it was a Saturday night in Los Angeles , being a teenager coming back from friends house in 2003 and blasting the music on the way home from my old red 1963 mercury comet convertible .

Ahh what a life would it be (PSA : a total newbie in the app in here soo I am still finding my way )

[thisis-meh]

I have always struggled with how others see me , I tried since I was a kid to change myself to be like them either by my looks , the way I talk or the things I like until I reached my late teens when someone told me

“people perception of you isn’t the real you , it doesn’t matter how they see you it matters how you see yourself ”

This made me realize that years have passed where I haven’t acted the way ( I ) am , want and would .

So you folks out there don’t let others affect you , your confidence or the way you see yourself none of them matters so be YOU unapologetically ;) .

[thisis-meh]

A calm cheering smile drawn on your lips

A soft spoken words you say

Behind a mask you hide yourself

But with all this I see something else

In your smile I see a tired kid who wants nothing but to be happy

And in your eyes…

I see a burning city

[thisis-meh]

“It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.”

— André Gide, Autumn Leaves

[thisis-meh]

Grief Lessons, Anne Carson

[thisis-meh]

And the grass where you lay left a bed in your shape

[thisis-meh]

Letters to Mars the friend I never had but was always there when I needed to get all my feelings out.

The very first time I talked to Mars was on March 2018 using these letters as a coping mechanism of the sudden loss of my aunt , it helped me a lot even though I never had a reply or a letter back but the feeling that you’re writing to someone on the daily basis was just enough for me. I would be SO excited during the day to come later to my room and start writing about what happened on my day until the pandemic hit and it was too hard for me to hold a pen.

I was close with my feelings back then but something in me shifted which has obvious reasons that I might mention later and made it hard to write in all my emotional statues sad , happy and angry which was almost the only emotion I had and still have now.

PSA: this is the beginning of something new , the beginning Of making the letters to Mars public and sharing it with others which is pretty exciting but hey remember I am a total newbie in here .

#journal #blogging #letters #it’s all about me #blog stuff #personal diary #online diary #dear journal #writings #connected #writerscommunity