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tookthe-405 · 11 days

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VBS

Chapter 1:

“VBS” ~ Lucy Dacus

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rebel!ellie x fem!reader

a/n: this one’s more fluff and to every gay baby still in a church, thinking they don’t belong.

summary: you grew up religious without questions and in summer you would get send to vacation bible school. The camp always felt like prison to you, until a very interesting girl appeared.

c/w: smut in future chaps!!, religious trauma (obviously)

7/20/2007

Readers pov:

2:34 p.m

You're sure you've never been asked. Never. It was always natural that you believe and pray. For everyone, for your family, your church friends, the pastors. The doubts also started very early. At 6, if you remember correctly.

You felt so guilty back then that you prayed and read the Bible all night long. The fear that demons could possess you, as soon as God left you, made you almost manic. But you thought that it was meant to be, that this was the price you needed to pay for being a child of God. But it began to feel more like a curse than a gift.

Of course you never told anyone this, you weren't crazy after all, but the thoughts followed you everywhere. You were waiting to be saved by someone, by God or just a person. No one ever appeard.

Until you turned 18. Until it was the summer of 2007.

Everything still looks pretty much the same, the youth hostel that had 3 floors and looks worn out, the church made of wood that stands here all year round, the lake only a few meters away from the big fire place where you gather every evening. The sun was almost shining in your face and it feels like a warning.

You're 18 now and this will be your last year here, although after that you'll probably work as a worshipper. But you and your friends wanted to spend one last summer here, like you have done for the last 4 years. There was a certain relief in you that it was the last year, but you would only confess that to God. He already knows it anyway.

It always amazes you how many people were here. It starts at the age of 14 and goes up to 18. Then there are a few „leaders“ who prepare programs and prayer sessions for you, and check every now and then whether everything is in order. That was your future, God was your future and the reward for it would be given to you at the end of your life.

Your mother talked so much during the 2 hour drive about how happy you are that your church welcomes you so lovingly even in the summer, and that's not a given because there are many other churches that don't give opportunities like that.

You noticed that all the church employees give up their summer to talk about God and that at some point you have to do the same thing as your mother, who donates every Sunday and volunteers in the kitchen for 6 hours.

That made you happy again, that you didn't have to do that until after the summer. Your mother kissed you on the forehead and said goodbye with God's blessing, you looked after the car for longer than necessary, and you tried to dig some poetic reason out of this feeling but there simply wasn’t one.

Now You're standing in front of the big building. All the teenagers are happily rushing from side to side and you feel guilty that you're the only one standing still and staring at the big cross above the door.

Hazel and the others aren't there yet, but you've been sent your room number per SMS and you feel ready to look for it on your own. Normally you follow Hazel around all summer, she always seems to know what was right and which way you should go. physically and mentally.

You would be here for 6 weeks, like every year, the rest of your family would spend their summer in Greece. You snort at the memory and continue to try to carry up your suitcase, which contains a 6 week supply of clothes and sweets. The boys' rooms are on the second floor and the girls' rooms on the third floor, it's always been that way and it still annoys you.

Room 26

The rolling of your suitcase leaves behind a noise that mixes with the many giggles,of the girls from the many rooms. You go through the many doors and check the numbers.

24, 25, 26

There will be 6 girls in each room and you know them all, but to your surprise the door is slightly open. But when you enter the room you don't find anyone. The familiar bunk beds greet your eyes and your mouth turned into a thin line, because you were both disappointed and unmotivated. There were enough cupboards on the wall for all of you, and they are still the same as last year.

A big, wide window at the end of the room showed the large meadow and the church, the lake was difficult to see but you know it’s there. There is a small table and a few chairs right in front of the window, you were lucky with the room this year, it could have been worse. You stand in front of the wooden table and enjoy the view.

The others should be there soon too. You decide to choose a bed, since Hazel loves to sleep on an upper bed, you put your suitcase and backpack on one of the beds below. Just as you were about to start unpacking, you heard the rushes of pillows.

"hey"

You let out a little scream.

There is a girl lying on the bed opposite, someone you don't know and have never seen before. Not even in church.

You're pretty sure you're both scanning each other at the same time. She is beautiful. Her face looks almost perfect. So far you can only see her head and her legs are hanging out a little over the edge of the bed, which you should have noticed when you came in. There was something different about her, different from the other girls you know. She seems to notice how scared you are and lets out a small and breathy laugh.

Her voice gives you goosebumps and you hope that she'll say something else very quickly. She jumps from the upper level of the bed down onto the floor, she doesn't seem to care about the ladder, and the wood makes a cracking noise. She lands deftly on the floor. Now you examine her properly again.

The sleeves of her flannel are rolled up to her elbows, revealing a tattoo that extends across her entire forearm. You couldn't catch the color of her eyes before, but now you can see it clearly. Green. She has short auburn hair in a half pulled back bun. She is wearing gray baggy joggers and black converse.

"ellie"

She extends her hand to you and you wonder how long it has been since someone had made that gesture towards you. You say your name and carefully take her hand. You notice freckles on her pale skin as your hands touch. Your heart feels like it's tied up in strings that you have to untie as quickly as possible.

When your hands separate again, they feel cold.

"I've never seen you here before," you remark and turn back to your suitcase with red cheeks.

"Yes, um... I'm new? I think you could say that."

With a few t-shirts in your hand, you look at her one more time. She looks out the window a little unsure.

"okay...?"

not a lot of information but you can handle it, you probably won't talk much anyway. You hope for her that she knows someone here and doesn't have to be alone.

Even if she's a little odd, that doesn't mean she has to have a hard time here. After putting your shirts away, you went to grab the rest of your clothes when you realized what was so different about her. Ellie is now laying back on the bed and appears to be drawing or writing something.

“Are you even Christian?” you ask her. The question seems so absurd here. Sometimes it seems as if the holiness of the church next door, extends to the youth hostel. You really shouldn't have to ask a question like that here.

her green eyes turn to you.

"Not really"

She doesn't wait for your reaction and you are very happy about that, because your face definitely shows your puzzled head. It doesn't make sense, and you’re having a really hard time finding one. Why should a non-believer do this to herself?

"Why-"

The door bursts open and Hazel and her other friends come into the room laughing loudly.

"Hey, sorry we're late, everything's fine" Hazel appears in front of you and hugs you tightly, the smell of fresh roses touches your nose.

"It's all good, up there Ellie, she's new"

The eyes of the 4 girls meet those of the new one. Ellie seems a bit surprised that you introduced her so quickly, but it would have been awkward if it had taken 5 minutes to notice that there was another person in the room.

"oh, hey ellie I’m hazel"

the other girls introduce themselves to her as well. Mia, Kate and Naveah. You know them all from church and they’re nice.

"Which church do you go to, Ellie?" Mia asks and you can already guess the answer, but don't say anything.

"I don’t really go to church only on Christmas and thanksgiving, my aunt and uncle sometimes drag me to our city church Center in San Francisco. They're the only reason why I'm here."

Okay yes, she was very clear that she didn't want to be here, everyone in the room can read that.

"OK!" Hazel claps her hands together almost hysterically. "Then it's our job to bring you closer to God, I'm sure you were sent here for a good reason."

Even if you grew up with such talk, you can’t hide your embarrassed expression. You're pretty sure that someone who didn't grew up in a religious household would neither like to hear something like that nor really want to enforce it.

"Oh you don't have to, if God has something planned for me, he'll definitely figure it out himself." She whispers the last part, not too inconspicuously.

You briefly pray that she has a few friends here because after that, Hazel definitely doesn't want anything to do with her anymore.

Hazel sighs vexed and loudly places her backpack on the table, which again attracts Ellie's attention. She looks away from her journal and stands herself up with her elbows.

"I believe that God often tries to spread his word through people, as it so often says in the Bible. Mark 16:15 says: Go into all the world and preach the gospel to all creation"

“Jesus,” Ellie whispers quietly.

“You can really leave me out, I’ll hear all your sermons anyway,” she adds.

"You can be happy about that, many people turn away from God and don't even hear his words," explains Kate.

"They’re lucky," murmurs Ellie, you're thinking about hitting her in the face , the next time she wants to say something.

Hazel's face showed a lot and it all goes in the same direction: anger and also responsibility. She believes that everything happens in God's will and that it is her job to convert ever human on earth. Unfortunately she also knows no limits.

"Do you at least have a Bible Ellie?" she asks, louder than necessary.

The other girls sit tensely at the table and watch the desputed interaction between the two.

"Yes, my aunt packed one for me"

"That's something"

"Um hazel" Naveah's voice was quiet and she looks like a frightened mouse. "We're about to have a get-to-know-you evening."

Hazel slowly comes out of her madness and smiles softly, just like you're used to.

"Right-"

"Ellie can go with us, she definitely doesn't know where to go."

You hate to interrupt your best friend, but you are sure that she would have just left Ellie here. Hazel's face looks a bit dazed and that only confirms it, Kate and the others also look at you with question marks on their faces.

“yeah I’d like that”

Your looks exchange and you smile at her in understanding.

Ellie is one of the most original girls you've ever had the pleasure of meeting, and you promise yourself not to succumb too much to the urges inside.

"Yeah whatever" Hazel storms past you without another word and the others follow her like dogs on a leash.

You could say that Hazel has always been more reverent and connected to God than most and this has made her both popular and well-known, especially in the church. The adults and pastors always spoke of her in the best terms.

It's every parent's greatest wish, that's clear to everyone. And that's one of the reasons why so many people want to be like her. The love and recognition of parents is not always self-evident, at least not in your church.

You realize that Ellie was your job now and that's why you stand there and wait until she jumps off the bed again.

"I don't actually want to do this, you know that?" She says.

you snort.

"Yes, you made that clear, Ellie."

As much as you try to be consistent and strict with her, you can't help but smile. You quickly follow the others, you can hear the footsteps of the other girl behind you.

The short path to the church across the meadow passes very quiet. Your gaze scurries over to the many other people, who are hurrying like bees making their way the bee queen. That's how it feels too, like a call from a higher society.

The church looks bigger from the inside, than you would think. It has a stage where preaching takes place and many benches, arranged in rows in front of it. A large wooden cross has been hung on the back wall near the stage, the sight of it gives you a cold shiver down your spine, even though you have been here so many times.

Ellie's figure appears next to you. She doesn't look too happy to be here either, but you can obviously hide it better. Her hands are tucked into her jogging pants and she has something masculine about her that you have never seen before.

But you find it brave and impressive how she didn't care what others thought of her. Hazel and her group had sat down in the second row and you tapped Ellie shoulder to make it clear to her that, whether she likes it or not, she will be sitting next to you.

She groans slightly for a moment, but follows you.

The church is very ordinary, except it’s made of wood it but other than that it looks like any other. As you and Ellie push your way forward through the crowd, you also see a few familiar faces from the last few years. You sit down in silence next to Naveah, who pays you no attention, just as Hazel.

Ellie lets out a sigh as she sits down and stares at the large cross. She looks a bit… charming?, but overall you can only tell that she has no interest whatsoever in being here. Ellie leans slightly toward you.

"What's going to happen here? Do we have to swear on the Bible or something?"

Your eyes widen and you can't help but laugh.

"No, the pastor will introduce himself and we will discuss what topics we have this week and what our daily routine looks like."

“Okay” She screws up her face and you smile.

When you turn back around, Hazel's stare pierces your soul. You didn't even have to turn towards her, the energy of her anger was strong enough, that it could’ve reach you in another state

"Okay children, sit down" Pastor Tobias walks through the hall and the crowd becomes quieter.

The fact that he still calls you children was not only embarrassing for you in front of Ellie, but it generally puzzled you a lot. But as mentioned, there were also 15 year olds here, but it still annoys you.

As soon as he stands on the stage, it becomes completely quiet.

"Welcome, it's nice that you're all here to serve God and praise the Lord."

Your chest slowly tightens and you fidget a little with your fingers. Ellie nudges you with her elbow. Surprised by the gesture, you turn to her, and she looks at you with so much concern and confusion at the same time that it disturbs you a bit.

Her look asks you if you're okay, but it also shows that she understands if you're not.

"This week we're tackling the topic of conversion and the rewards for it. Then on Wednesday you'll go on a hike in the forest."

The children all groan because everyone knows how shitty such hikes are and how long they were.

"Yeah, yeah, I know, but it's going to be brightened up with a little scavenger hunt. Later, the staff will give you your tasks here on the camp and , yes still today, there will be a Bible lesson. Every morning and afternoon."

You actually like Bible lessons, you were good at reciting facts that you read in a book, it wasn't as bad as having the words of a preacher tattooed into your brain.

Pastor Tobias drives ahead.

"You have free time in the morning until breakfast and then the bible lessons and workshops begin. There are many different selections where you can register straight away, and then you have free time again for a few hours. The youth hostel's sports hall is now open again And you can use it again this year. In the evening the sermon will takes place at 8 p.m. You then have the choice to watch a film in the large hall and there will be silence for bedtime at 11 p.m.."

“Shit, that doesn’t sound so bad.”

Ellie's honesty appeals to you like iced water on a hot summer day.

unfortunately it’s also a very loud call im such a quiet room and a few people laugh in the back rows.

The pastor's eyes land on the girl and he seems to have remembered something because he doesn't drive forward.

"ellie..." a quick glance at the list of many names.

"Williams?"

The call doesn't surprise Ellie, she just nods, unconvinced.

Pastor Tobias nods and you can read a kind of... anger that makes your hands sweat.

"Yes, I remember you, young girl"

Ellie grimaces briefly at the nickname, he gave her.

"I see there has been no progress?"

You frown, but again it seems to be expected for Ellie.

"None that you would like" she grins at him, if you couldn't hear her words it would pass for a warm, even playful, smile. The room seems even quieter now and now you feel really cold.

All of this makes you incredibly nervous in the worst possible way.

"yes I see, well I hope this will finally help you"

After the sermon and after everyone has unpacked their things, the Bible lesson begins. There, everyone is divided into groups and you can talk about God and the world either in your room, the common room or sometimes even outside.

Your group decides to go outside and the grass under your fingers feels nice and comforting cold somehow. Hazel and some of the others have changed and you are also wearing much more comfortable clothes now.

"I don't really trust her? Sounds weird but that's how I feel."

You nod to every syllable Hazel says about Ellie.

Hazel fidgets with her long, holey sweater and you look up at the sky, watching the clouds. The lesson should start in a few minutes but Ellie is nowhere to be seen.

"I don't think she's coming," Mia murmurs.

"Yeah, as if she'd care." Kate laughs.

Hazel shifts a bit.

"But she should, even Tobi said that. I knew there was something strange about her.”

It bothers you how they can speak so badly about a complete stranger.

“Pastor Tobi may be a pastor but he’s not God, we don’t know anything for sure, Hazel.” Your stern voice surprises the others.

Most of the time you prefer to listen and observe, rather than add to the something conversations yourself.

Most of the time.

“But we can trust him, at least I do. Don’t you?”

It was a bet, without a doubt, one that you wouldn’t take up.

“Okay girls,”

a young woman in her mid-20s appears in front you with a smile and a Bible in her hand.

“Where should we start? Any concerns?”

You look at her without any real thoughts, no memory of her.

“Must be new,” Hazel whispers, saying what you’re thinking.

“Oh yes, I’m Louisa, but you can call me whatever you want, Lou, Louise, I don’t care.”

A small smile, blinded by the sun, hits your face as you notice how authentic and nice she seems. Ellie would definitely like her too if she would be here… it’s strange how familiar she already is to you. how much you outvote her.

"I am both your carer and your contact person, because I know that many of you do not see the two as one and the same."

She smiles lovingly and sits cross-legged in front of you so that you form a small circle.

"If there is anything on your mind, you can talk to me."

Hazel speaks up, finger in the air, her body completely stiff.

"Oh, you don't have to-"

Hazel interrupts Louisa quickly.

"Ellie didn't show up,"

you almost hiss through your teeth.

"Yes, I noticed that too..." she looks at her note and seems to be thinking about what exactly she should about this situation.

"I'll talk to her later."

A smile that doesn't really show love and attention appears on Hazel's lips.

"You should do that."

You don't see or hear anything from Ellie for the rest of the evening. You keep catching yourself looking around, hoping that she might be behind you. Your ears waited to hear the girl's rough voice or bright laugh, but that just didn't happen.

At the campfire, the clouds of smoke and the big fire banish your view and you just don't dare to get up and look for her. It would be too conspicuous and Hazel is already angry enough.

Hazel tells you about the many fireflies she saw last week and that she got an instant camera before camp. You turn over your stick of bread in silence and lean back on the bench, then you feel a warm, familiar hand on your shoulder.

"Are you okay, darling?"

Louisa’s eyes examine your face worriedly. She looks almost as old as you in the dark, but the fire shows that she actually isn't.

"huh?"

"are you alright?"

When Hazel notices that you are no longer participating in her conversation she turns the other way to Kate, finally you hear silence in your head for the first time this afternoon.

"yes, I'm fine," you whisper.

She almost didn't seem to hear it, but nods slowly.

"are you looking for someone?"

she whispers back with a grin, either to accommodate your gesture or because she realizes that your other friends probably shouldn't notice.

"me? no."

You wave your hand in the air, distracted. Louisa didn't really seem to buy it.

She takes the bread from her stick and looks into the distance, behind the fire. You wonder what is going on in her head.

"she's behind the yard."

You turn to her, shocked, because she knows full well that Ellie is actually some kind of problem case that you should maybe probably stay away from.

The woman notices your gaze and looks at you amused.

"I know how it feels to want something you shouldn't want, a friendship especially. A lot of people don't mention it but group stress and pressure doesn't end at 18."

her words bring you both comfort and sadness.

"when will it end?"

you're not sure why you're talking to her about it, much less why you feel comfortable enough to do so. Louisa was silent for a few seconds before answering.

"depends. maybe never. only we can make a difference, even though we're not the cause of the problem."

You gently pull your bread off the fire and set it aside so that it rests on the stick, in the air.

"thank you Louisa" you stand up, smiling, and turn to Hazel with a little more determination.

"i'm going to the bathroom for a minute."

hazel's eyes drift up from her conversation with some brown haired guy.

"okay.

without listening to anything else, your feet lead you away from the fire, until it is just a memory and a red light in the distance.

You feel immediately relieved.

But the closer you get to the youth hostel, the more nervous you become. you don't understand why and that only frustrates you more until it feels a little like your whole system is about to fail.

In the back yard, Louisa told you.

Louisa said it was okay to talk to Ellie, to want to talk to her, no reason to feel bad about it. Nevertheless, you stop before the turn to the back yard and look at the pebbles that make that crunching sound, which reminds you that you really want this.

But why do you feel so bad about wanting this?

new friendships are a good thing? yes, Hazel doesn't like her and she is probably a problem case in the church, but that is nothing world-changing.

your back finds the wall of the building and you breathe in and out quickly.

you are worried that if you turn here now you will just walk past her. Out of fear of her, of you, and of the rejection. Your breathing becomes heavier in your lungs. Panic, which you know all too well, spreads inside you and your hand goes to your chest.

"What the fuck is wrong with me?“

"yeah what is wrong with you dude"

you flinch and worry whether you have broken something, even though that is impossible in any universe.

"fuck"

you support yourself on your knees, immersed in shock, and eye the converse of Ellie, who is standing next to you.

"you good?"

"yes, jesus"

That came out a little harsher than you intended and the girl's eyes narrow for a second.

"sorry- you just scared me"

you lean against the wall again. you are sure that Ellie will go away now, but you hear her shoes stop right next to you.

"sorry, it wasn't intentional, what are you doing here?"

you don't know that either.

"I don't know"

you put your hands in your cardigan and look the auburn-haired girl in the eyes.

She is now leaning against the wall next to you.

"That's cool" the silence and the eye contact almost kills you, until you notice that Ellie is experimenting with something in her hands.

"Ellie, you can't smoke here! you shouldn't smoke at all"

Ellie giggles loudly and licks the paper to finish rolling the cigarette. Your gaze falls on her tongue and its movements but you quickly turn back to the front, feeling dizzy now.

Okay? That was... weird?

you thought.

"Nobody dies because of a little smoking"

"You would be surprised" you say and watch as she lights the cigarette.

It looks relaxing. Not as scary and evil as you always imagined, it almost looks magical.

"You never smoked before?"

Disbelief in her voice.

You giggle and relax your shoulders.

"not so common at a Christian school, I once went to a party with Mia. There were lots of joints and cigarettes, but I never got any closer to the stuff"

"it's awesome, and you can buy it if you want. 18 and your parents can't really tell you shit"

Your mother's face appears in your vision and the feeling of shame spreads again.

"yes, they can..."

Ellie takes a drag on the cigarette and looks at you again.

Softer and more curious.

"fuck, you take this actually serious"

"yeah, what else should I do? A lot of people aren't here for fun, Ellie"

"yes, I can imagine, Dina takes it serious too"

Now she looks like the same person you remember meeting. Much more serious and proud. A little brave too.

"who's Dina?"

Ellie kicks a few stones with her shoe and her expression doesn't really tell you much.

"nobody. isn't important, but she takes it seriously."

You nod and respect her boundaries even if it's the last thing you want to do.

"You don't?"

"Fuck no" she laughs, but the wall that she has built up for herself for so long and with so much effort, is crumbling.

You could see and hear it. Her eyebrows frown and her voice was like a silky purr.

"Ellie- I know it's none of my business but why-"

"What do you think, doll? Ha, you remind me of a doll"

That distracts you.

You turn to her with a grin. "How do I remind you of a doll?"

the physical openness surprised Ellie, but she happily accepted it. she turned around and grins at you.

"quiet and pretty. but like, porcelain pretty as if you had been painted."

Holy shit.

you curse yourself for having said that, but it is the only thing that does justice to your feelings right now. your face gets warm and you can’t help but smile at that. You probably look dumb with that stupid grin on your face. No one ever said something like that so casually to you and your not sure if you wanted anyone else, but Ellie to be the one who does.

But it is a nice tingling sensation.

as if soft feathers were brushing against your skin.

"so what do you think I'm doing here?"

The nervous feeling visits you again but it is more caring than before, less careful.

"I'm sure you did something. I'm just not sure what exactly, but it must be bad, right?"

you actually just wanted to joke but Ellie's face turns gloomy again and she takes another puff of her rolled cigarette.

"maybe? I'm not really sure myself, it didn't feel wrong."

Confused, you watch her, her face, her tousled hair and her hand holding the poison, she is probably addicted to but cannot resist.

"Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."

"What?"

You giggle at her confusion, but immediately explain what you mean.

"Temptations are common in the Bible. And in the world too. They are everywhere even if we cannot see or feel them."

You both look forward now instead of at each other because that seems more pleasant. The green trees were barely visible now. At least not the leaves. The trunk was still there.

"But how do you know it's a temptation?"

Lost and maybe even confusion appear in Ellie's deep voice. Your heart breaks a little, like the first time you saw your grandpa cry.

"I believe that if it harms you or others, it is a clear sin. biblical and moral," you explain.

"There are rules... many." You add uncomfortable

Ellie nods at your words, not like you do with Hazel. She means it seriously and she listens.

"I know."

"So what did you do?"

She seems confused for a moment, but then memory flashes across her face and she looks straight ahead again.

"I kissed someone."

"You kissed someone?" You repeat slowly, grinning slightly.

That's not so bad.

"Well I kissed someone and got caught... doing something else. But it's related."

You nervously play with the fabric of your cardigan.

"Okay?"

So she had sex?

Sin before marriage, But we can let that slide.

God, you could fill a damn library with all the stories you heard in your class, about girls who were caught with boys in their beds.

"She didn't get into trouble. I'm the only one here."

your brain clicks it all together quickly. God in heaven, you are naive. naive, stupid and careless.

"oh"

Ellie chuckles breathy.

"oh"

she emphasizes in the same shocked tone as you.

you swallow, noticing how dry your throat is. your back feels cold and hot at the same time for the first time in your life you understand what Edvard Munch meant by his god damned “the scream“ painting.

if Ellie wasn't standing right in front of you, you probably wouldn't look any different.

“Ellie I- that like a very big sin"

the pebble dances beneath her feet, as she turns away from you.

"no shit"

"wait I didn't-"

what didn't you? you said what you were supposed to say.

why the fuck do you feel like you need to add something to that. To have another conversation with her.

To look at her and pray that she's already looking at you. She stops with her back to you.

You've never been sure how to deal with irritable people. You couldn't do it with your sister or brother, with Hazel or anyone else.

"I-I don't know what to say. but I don't want you to leave"

Truths

Truths.

that's not a sin.

if you were to say something different to her now, Things you should normally say, you would be lying.

you wouldn't be any better.

7/21/2007

Reader pov:

6:40 a.m

The air is stuffy. Grossly stuffy and thick.

Before you even open your eyes you notice how bright it is and look at your clock on the bedside table.

6:41 a.m

You let out a sigh and you can hear the snoring of a few of the other girls. Even though you don't have to get up until 7:30 it's not worth going back to sleep or even trying.

The chances of it working are slim. You unintentionally go over last night again.

Ellie confesses that she kissed a girl. You reacted like a good Christian girl, but after a few seconds you felt so bad that you stopped her from leaving and pulled her back. You said that you don't hate her, but that it's not right according to God. Ellie seemed to find that a bit annoying, but she was no longer in rabies mode.

Then you ran. well, not really ran, but you quickly turned around and went back to the fire.

It all became too much and it happened too fast. Ellie look after you touched her arm and she reacted to your words.

Your face turned red out of shame and the thought, that she might notice, bothered you.

When you came back from the campfire, Ellie wasn't in bed or in the bathroom. You were a little worried, apparently Ellie is the kind of person who sometimes doesn't let herself be seen for a while.

You bend your head out of bed and look at the top bunk opposite. still empty.

"Fuck," you mumble, stressed now.

You slowly get your legs out of bed and for the first time in years you are glad that you always have to sleep in the bottom bunk.

The floor is ice cold, but the sun outside gives the room warm air.

As you try to get up, you stupidly bang your head on the wall of the bed above you.

"Shit!"

You hear a few pillows and blankets rustling for a moment, but then the usual morning silence returns.

You quickly grab your slippers, a cardigan, your MP3 player and your Nokia. You wash your face and teeth and try to tame your hair. When you're done, you standing lost in the hallway. Nobody seems to be awake.

You put your headphones on and play your playlist. It was a mix of The Killers and Coldplay, since luckily your parents didn't just show you 80s music.

All these things that I've done. You love this song.

You try to go down the stairs at the beat, but quickly realise that it's much too loud. You scurry past the boys' hallway and there isn't a soul either. Kate's boyfriend should have arrived last night. You hate Kate's boyfriend.

There are a few more people awake on the first floor, but you don't really want to start a conversation, so you try to scurry to the end of the hallway, past the common room and the dining room.

you've almost reached the door to freedom, when someone says your name.

Pastor Tobias. great.

"good morning, young lady" it always confuses you that he talks like he’s 50. he's only in his mid-30s.

"Hello Pastor Tobias, how are you this morning?"

the pastor comes closer.

"I feel especially blessed today"

you both laugh uncomfortably at his words.

"Are you on your way to pray in church? The church is already open, my morning prayers are very important to me."

"um..." actually that's not the reason, but then he would definitely not let you out. you make a mental note to stop by the church later. "Yes, exactly. Isn't that how you'd like your morning to start?"

The man nods in agreement and also... proudly?

"You could be a great worship leader one day… I don't want to hold you up. But please be back for breakfast, You know how time flies when you're praying."

Another unpleasant laugh and then you're through the door.

You arrive in the cold air, wearing only your short striped pj shorts, a spaghetti top and a green knit jacket. Your gaze glides over the large meadow.

Everything is exactly like yesterday, only with a lot more fog and a lot fewer people.

You love this hour of day. Everyone is about to wake up and one you get a last look at the world, without loud noises, lots of people and tasks. As you walk across the meadow towards the lake, your non-waterproof shoes soak up the water from the meadow. Your legs start to freeze as well.

You pray that you won't have a cold tomorrow. You walk past the large church and the fireplace. Just as you are almost at the lake, you see a figure emerging from the grass walking towards you.

You recognize him immediately.

Caleb Thompson. You have known each other for years and your churches are very close to each other. Every year he is here, just like you, and every year Hazel tries to get a date with him or a phone number, anything.

You have the urge to either run back and pretend you never saw him or hide in the grass. Both are out of the question, as he is already far too close and has probably seen you.

"Don't come too close to me, psycho" - yes, you were expecting a reaction like that, but he likes to exaggerate. He takes two steps away from you.

"I haven't forgotten how sick you are, girl. Don't do anything stupid or I'll tell everyone what happened, I promise, bitch".

Your eyes widen, he walks past you with his arms protectively outstretched.

"It wasn't that bad, motherfucker"

- he stops and turns around.

"What did you just call me?" You stop too.

For years you've wanted to tell him how much of a fucked up person he really is, but for Hazel's sake you never did. But now you’re sure that they won’t end as a couple anyway.

"Motherfucker, Caleb. You're a real asshole"

- you say with your arms crossed.

His long, blonde hair lies in his face and looks pretty unkempt, as if he's been swimming at night and hasn't showered. "You cunt-"

He comes at you, you mentally prepare yourself. But an arm separates you and pushes him away.

"Jesus Caleb, calm down." You know that voice.

Her short reddish, brown hair is in a little braid this time and she still seems to be in her sleeping clothes.

"the fuck Ellie you don't know shit-"

"yeah but I also don't care about shit, I just know you shouldn't hit a girl. so please piss off"

he lets out a loud, annoyed breath like men always do and turns around, and if he wasn't walking on grass you would probably hear his stomping pretty well.

"you didn't have to do that"

Ellie's eyes meet yours for the first time since yesterday.

"yeah, but I still did. No matter how sweet your little ego is, that guy would have ripped you to pieces. no offens"

how much you want to tell her that that's not true and how shitty he is, how much he deserves it, but you don't.

"whatever"

"where are you going?"

the question surprises you. up until now you were obsessed with starting a conversation with Ellie, up until now it wasn't based on reciprocity.

If you weren’t nervous before, you sure as hell are now.

"to the lake" your voice is a bit quiet but she seems to have heard it, her gaze wanders behind you to the lake and she shrugs her shoulders.

"okay" then she walks past you towards the lake. you frown.

She looks over her shoulder.

"are you coming?"

"yeah!" you quickly try to keep up with her pace.

"what are you doing here so early?"

you ask her while walking quickly.

"actually I wanted to swim, but the water is so fucking cold"

"you swim? Like, professionally"

"when I was little I was in the swimming club for 3 years, but now I only swim when I want and can" she grinned at you.

your stomach tickles nervously.

"were you good"

she chuckles at you. "yes I was really fucking good"

a smile spreads across your lips and you follow her to the jetty. You sit down at the end of the long wooden path. you take off your shoes and put you legs in the water. "cold!"

Ellie giggles next to you. "told you"

you grin back and nudge her with your elbow. you are sitting so close that you can feel the warmth of her body on your arm.

Something’s not right. Something’s different. Different from when you talk to Hazel or Caleb or anyone. This feels like you belong somewhere. With her as weird as that sounds since she’s someone who likes the same sex.

But then you remember, Your sister once spent a year abroad in Germany and brought you cactus popsicle. The tip of the ice, made a crackling sound in your mouth that was funny, unreal and ticklish. you laughed the whole evening at the reactions of the family members. that's exactly how it feels right now.

like German cactus popsicle.

You dare to look at Ellie.

she is also wearing pjs pants and a white tank top with a grey hoodie jacket over it. her hair is imperceptibly and tousled probably from being limp, but you find it kind of cute.

Ellie is always so serious and sarcastic, but you are sure she is a bit softer and more sensitive.

This "look" shows you that again. She is just a girl too, a very complicated and chaotic girl.

"why don't you swim anymore?" you ask her.

"Joel said I took it too seriously back then, now that I think about it, he was probably right."

Ellie's playfully kicks the water like a stone on the road.

"who's Joel?"

she gives you a quick glance to the side.

"my adoptive father."

"oh" you try to suppress the surprise in your voice but it doesn't work.

"did he send you here?"

you hope you're not asking too many personal questions, but Ellie doesn't seem to mind.

"no, that was my aunt and uncle, I'm here for the summer while Joel is enjoying his life on the coast of Miami. Oregon really sucks compared to Miami."

you nod thoughtfully.

"what is he doing in Malibu? … and what are you doing here and not in Malibu?"

"Honeymoon. my old man is just married, but Tess is really sweet, I like her"

"Tess, pretty name" you reply.

"yes, the wedding was nice, I even got to play the guitar for Take on Me" another fulfilled smile appears on her face as she watches the water.

Ellie has lots of things that make her happy and feel good. No matter how broken the pastor thinks she is, it's not true. She is one of the most complete people you have ever seen.

"I can play the piano" you grin at her surprised reaction.

"Piano, huh? I tried to learn it once, but it's too complicated for me, I'll stick with guitars. Huge respect though doll"

the nickname she gives you, makes you feel warm, your heart jumps excited and the trust you give her feels good. Safe.

"yes, my mother forced me to learn it as a child so that I could play for the choir, so please don't laugh at me if I have to do that here too."

"I would never laugh at you. Especially not because of something impressive"

now you obviously turn your head towards her. For a few seconds you just look at each other, as if you had to upgrade each other's bodies and faces all over again.

"Your very Sweet Ellie."

The girl's freckles are affected by the redness of her face and she looks away again. You want to talk about yesterday, you can't really get last night out of your head.

"About yesterday..."

Now she shakes her head quickly.

"Just forget it. I know what you think about it... but I don't want it to stand between us. You're much too nice, please just forget it."

You can hear her impatience but also her fear.

"It doesn't bother me." You reply softly

"What?"

It breaks your heart how surprised she is. How much she expects the hate and rejection.

John 15:12: My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.

"I don't really mind it. however you feel about this or about yourself it doesn't matter. you are made of love Ellie."

You have never felt this wise in your entire life, and never more like yourself too.

"that was so cheesy holy shit"

you bump your shoulder hard against hers, laughing.

"fuck you"

just as you were about to sit down a bit more comfortable you fidget a bit trying to find a comfortable position, as Ellie bumps her shoulder so hard into yours, at such a wrong moment that you were in the water in three seconds. You fail and try to hold on to her, but pull her in with you.

The cold water embraces your body unexpected. Your clothes absorb the water so quickly, that as soon as you reach the surface your cardigan is as heavy as stone.

Luckily you put your phone and your mp3 player out of your pocket before whatever this is happened.

You gasp loudly and the cold that takes over your face turns your cheeks a fiery red.

"Ellie what the fuck-"

You admit, you actually intended to be mad, her clumsiness got you into cold water but she just laughs loud. Your arms slide slowly in rhythm to your sides and keep you above water.

"I'm so sorry really but-"

she starts laughing again.

You are sure that she will wake up the whole camp with her laughter. Grinning, you swim over to her.

"Okay Ellie calm down. You’re gonna drown from Laughing-„

Splashes of water land in your face and you let out a little scream. The other girl looks you over teasingly and moves away.

"You're so done"

In a matter of seconds a shaft of water starts and all you can hear is the loud splashing of the water and the screaming of two girls.

splash

Water in Ellie's face, but she manages to protect herself with her arms.

splash

Water hits your face for the third time and you laugh and squeeze your eyes shut.

"Okay, I give up," you gasp.

"Yeah, you better,"

Ellie Chuckles, also completely soaked.

You look at her.

Her wet hair is stickt to her cheeks and she has this grin that would make you do anything. And she's funny, so damn funny. And beautiful, especially now. She's like salt water. She's like the sea. Wild and grumpy and salty. When you're with her, you feel the way you do when you hear a really good song for the first time.

"You okay?"

You quickly leave your thoughts behind and nod at her.

"Never been better,"

she laughs. To your surprise, she then lets herself float on the surface of the water. Her arms outstretched and her eyes closed. You do the same and the both of you lie next to each other.

Her pointed fingers lightly brush against yours.

She’s Like salt water. As soon as you notice it, it starts to burn and you want to wash it off straight away.

To all the closeted queer people in church; you matter and you’re a real icon. There are more gay in religious spaces than you think!!! Try finding each other, it helps a lot!! Spend time with the people who love and enjoy who you are ❤️ ( GAYYYY)

SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG FORGIVE ME

Taglist: @elliewilliamgfooc @a-little-bit-of-everybody @vqxen @hersuniverse @nelzooo @shiimer @bready101

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