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xenclev · 26 days

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— IF I HAD IT MY WAY, THE F✗CKING SUN WOULD BE GONE

RECEIVERS。stalker!nikolai gogol x fem!reader

CUSTOMER。This is commissioned by @fixedspeech! Thank you for trusting me with this work! I really appreciate it. This story is from nikolai's pov during some of the event in gonna break his fxcking spine, wanna dance until we die

WISHCARD。“I can kill you now and be free forever. You will die and you will feel it too. One more step and I can reach it! I could feel it, love! My freedom! Can you feel it?”

BOUQUET。stalking, n.sfw content 18+, extremely dubious consent, toxic relationship, obsessive and possessive behaviour, gun play, fear play, choking, harsh languages, sexual assault, suicidal thoughts, attempt of suicide, mental instability, manipulation, dead dove do not eat mdni

PRICE。approx. 11.8k words

FREEGIFT。Jealou$y (The Neighbourhood), I Wanna Feel You Close (AIYLOM), Let It Go (The Neighbourhood), She’s My Collar (Gorillaz, Kali Uchis)

❝ Are you still scared of me, my love?

I would not take you as a coward. I think you are a very brave girl. You are strong too. I love seeing you run away and cower before me, especially in that maze. Are you still mad about it? I hope you don't and I hope you realize that you hurt me more than I actually harm you. And we kissed! We kissed a lot! You touched me and I touched you. I wonder if you can feel my heartbeat at that time. They are fast and loud and I was in fucking heaven. I was in heaven when you kissed me. My fingertips still remember every crease of your skin. And my lips can still taste yours.

That bravery and fight you have in you are very appealing to me, dear love. You are just adorable! You're too cute. This is embarrassing to admit, but the things in my head when it comes to you... I want to treat you like an angel, as you are one. But I want to kill you I want to kill you I hate how you're making me feel this strongly to you I shouldn't be This is not good for me I should not desire you more than my own freedom Tell me love what have you done to me I will kill you I will love you and kill you for myself and yourself

What Why I How What is home to you, love? Is it this house you have lived in for long or is it the embrace from a beloved? Is it the room you are confined in to be safe or is it the presence of the person who holds your very heart?

For me, you are my home. When you embraced me in that maze, I was at home. When you kissed me, I'm at home. When you are near, I feel at home. I suppose that is why I always keep coming to your house, the place where I know it will be just the two of us close together. One day, I'll bring you to my place. And I hope you will feel just at home.

You were already at home when you embraced me, love. I'm the one holding your heart and no one else will. No one. ❞

— ✯

Holding his phone directed at you, Nikolai has pressed the snap button so many times, just capturing the sight of you in your kitchen, making a coffee from your newly bought espresso machine.

“Oh, you're so cute...” He whispers to himself, as low as possible, not wanting you to notice him peeking from the laundry room that is just near the kitchen. He watches your every movement, taking notes of the little quirks you do.

Your little frown when the coffee is too bitter, your pursed lips when the hotness of the drink burns your tongue and your satisfied hum when your first latte is a huge success.

However, you suddenly stop after your first few sips. Nikolai blinks, confused. But his confusion is answered quickly when you suddenly grab a long wooden spoon and stomp towards the laundry room.

Oopsie, I got caught.

“You bastard!”

The door is pushed open wide and you barge in as Nikolai takes several steps back with laughter. You threaten to hit him with the wooden spoon but he quickly catches your wrist and yanks the thing away.

“So you noticed me, sweetheart! How flattering!” He says cheerfully, only receiving your grumble. “No hitting, okay? That's not nice, baby.” He says gently before letting go of your wrist. As soon as you are free, you quickly grab the spoon on the floor, pointing it at him.

“Hey, no hitting I say!”

“I don't fucking care, you house invader! Get out! I don't wanna see you!”

Nikolai tilts his head, blinking. “You don't? But what about my show next week, my love? You must come! You never miss my show, no?”

You sigh, rolling your eyes. “No. I won't come again and I will fucking report you to the police—”

“I will kill them all.”

Your stunned face satisfies a sadistic part of his heart. Nikolai smirks, already imagining the murders he might commit in the future for your sake—well, he has already done so. He killed the cops that came to your first report all those months ago.

And he will do it again.

If securing a relationship with you needs him to be violent, he will gladly cross the line. If drowning in guilt will bring him to euphoria with you, he will gladly dirty his hands with blood and sin. Though his head is yearning for someone who would understand his inner battle, his heart is already convinced that you are the one.

I might have to kill you. —His head whispers.

I want to treasure you. I want to keep you by my side. I want to crawl into your skin and hold your heart close to me. I want you I want you I want you I want you —His heart screams.

“Kolya? Ahh!”

You let out a small yelp when Nikolai suddenly grips you, pushing you to the wall and cages you between his arms. His hands reach to your face, caressing you as he brings his forehead close to yours. His breathing gets rigid as he stares deeply into your troubled eyes.

“I want you.” He says.

“I want this.” One of his hands trails down to your chest, and his index finger moves lower, feeling your fast heartbeat. His nail grazes your skin, spelling his name. “Has anyone ever told you how beautiful your heartbeat sounds when you are near me?” He giggles. “Listen, listen. Hear how fast it is?”

“W-What are you talking about..?” you ask, shaky. Your hands are clenching on his arms, unsure whether to push him or make him stay. Regardless, Nikolai already takes those as permission for him to be closer. He grabs your hand, placing it on his chest.

“Can you feel it?”

“W-What?”

He brings his lips close to yours, irises shaking with desire as his breath quickens. Your scent is clouding his mind and your heat is warming his skin. Nikolai has to bite his own lips, finding it hard to keep his groan in his throat. He pecks your cheek sweetly, still keeping your hand on his chest.

“Feel it. My heartbeat. They are spelling your name.”

Nikolai can feel your body trembling. He wonders if it is fear or desire. He parts away just a bit, enough space for him to look at your face properly. Fluster and hesitancy. He smiles as he brushes his knuckles against your cheek.

“Are you still scared of me?”

“Anyone would if there's a madman in their house...”

“Madman... Madman, hahaha!” He bursts out laughing. “You say that as if you aren't a freak yourself!”

You shake your head, trying to pull your hand away from his chest—Nikolai knows you felt how fast his heartbeat was. He can feel them thumping in his body himself. But he does not want to release you just yet, so he grips your hand harder as his other hand holds the back of your neck, tilting your head up. His eyes admire your quivering lips—Ah, he wants to kiss you so badly, and he wants more.

“You are so beautiful, my love. You have such pretty lips. Promise me not to let anyone touch them, hm?”

He presses his lips onto yours and Nikolai moans instantly into your mouth. His tongue slithers deeper. Your soft gasp between the small breaks sends electric shocks up his spine, up his head. He leans closer until there is little space between your body and his. Both of his hands roam over your body, squeezing your sides and tracing your curves.

“Haa— K-Kolya—”

Your voice is cut short when he kisses deeper. Your body slowly melts against his and he can feel your legs are shaky between his. His tongue explores your mouth deeply, sucking your own and licking your lips. His breathing gets heavier as his arousal awakens—drunk, drunk, drunk.

Nikolai can feel your frantic hands, sometimes tugging his shirt, sometimes holding his body, sometimes touching his neck. He feels hot—his clothes are caging him. He needs your touches to touch more of his skin, feeling him.

Sometimes he feels your taps against his arm, and he knows you are short on breath. He gives just a quick second for you to take a short breath before he slams his lips onto yours again. His hips slightly grind against yours, and he can feel his pants tighten—Nikolai is just incredibly high with lust.

Until he suddenly feels something is being slipped out from his pocket. He does not mind it at first as he still does not want to leave your lips, but he quickly parts away when something hard and bulbous is poking his chest.

“Oh me, oh my,” He chuckles huskily when he sees you are holding his gun. He wants to make a cruel mockery as you look quite afraid and very nervous for holding a gun—Is this your first time, my love? How pure! How innocent! How corruptible! We are really a match in heaven, my love!

“You are such a brave girl! Too bad that won't hurt me.” Nikolai says, once again steps closer to you but you quickly aim the gun at his head.

“Don't come near! I'll shoot!”

Nikolai could not help but laugh mockingly. He grabs your wrist and yanks you to come closer to him. You instinctively release the gun. Nikolai sighs softly and takes it off the floor. He gives it to you.

“Take it. Hold it. I'll teach you.”

“What..?”

“I'll teach you. Come on, baby.” He urges you to hold it and you hesitantly do. He then stands behind you, wrapping his arms around your body to give you a nice hug before his hands reach to yours that is holding the gun.

“This is called... a revolver. They have this bullet chamber and this little thing behind it is called a hammer. It is the safety pin for this gun. It won't shoot if you don't—” He gently guides your thumb to push the hammer, creating a click sound. “—push it. And now, it can fire.”

Nikolai's fingers nudge yours to the trigger. He then says, “Now press it.”

“Oh, God, what the fuck is this, why am I doing this, why do I get involved with this guy...” He can hear your murmur of frustration and Nikolai clicks his tongue, sternly. His little noise is enough to shut you up.

“I’m teaching you, sweetheart. This is important. What if one day I'm not near and you get bothered or something? One day, you will shoot someone.”

“Well, I don't wanna shoot someone! I'm not a killer like you!”

Nikolai rolls his eyes before he snatches the gun from your hand and shoots the door frame right behind you. It does not make a loud noise but a subtle bang due to the silencer he always equips on the weapon. But the noise is enough to flinch you.

“Now, now, sweetheart. If we were to live together, you would get into... trouble. Because I am the trouble. And at the very least, you know how to shoot a gun. Maybe one day I will gift you one!” Nikolai says, twirling the gun in his hand.

“If I have a gun, I'll shoot you first, bastard.”

“Oh, not if I shoot you first.” Without any second, he already aims the gun on your head and you shriek in fear upon having a deadly weapon against your skin. Nikolai grins maliciously and presses the hammer. Your breath quickens and your hands raise to your head as if to cover yourself. He then holds the gun properly, as if to shoot. Some clattering, and then—

“Bang.”

Nothing.

Nikolai purses his smile, enjoying the sight of your shaking body, dominated by fear of death. He sees how your eyes are shutting close and your breathing stiffens. And when your eyes are slowly opening with realization, your legs cannot bear your weight any longer. You drop to your knees, with teary eyes gazing up at him.

Nikolai feels his cock stiffen at the sight of you kneeling right in front of him. He cackles, tapping the muzzle of the gun on his cheek as his hand grabs your head, keeping your eyes on him.

“I love seeing you afraid like this. You act so tough, but once it shatters, it is just something so adorable.” He says teasingly, patting your cheek. His eyes darken as his gaze pierces straight at you.

But I do really want to shoot you. I do want to kill you. I do I do I do. You are the cause of my Hell and Heaven. I want to kill you so I can be free from myself. But I will suffer then. I will be free and I will suffer for eternity. So I want to keep you. I want to keep you so I can be in complete bliss. A bliss where I will stay in this fucking cage forever. A cage where I'm happily a prisoner of you. But you are also imprisoned with me. So is it really suffering if you're with me, my love?

Those words are left unspoken.

Nikolai suddenly lets out a broken chuckle. He crouches right in front of you, once again pointing the gun beneath your chin. The hammer is pushed again and you flinch.

“Kiss me, love. I yearn for you and you alone.”

He notices that you are somewhat surprised—as if you come to a realization or perhaps your head is starting to think again. He wonders if your heart and your head ever argue so much that you become too conflicted. Perhaps they are arguing right now since you do look like you are in a dilemma.

Nikolai wishes to know what is in your mind.

But his thought dies down when he feels your soft lips against his. Your trembling hands hold his face as your lips are kneading his lips. He holds your neck, pressing the kiss deeper as he trails the gun down to your heart, to your tummy and your inner thighs.

Nikolai breaks the kiss and gives a teasing lick on your lower lip. He nudges his gun deeper into your crotch, eliciting a soft moan from your sinful lips.

“Be nice. I'm gonna teach you another way to have fun.”

Fun, indeed.

When he gets you to exactly where and how he wants, he is overcome with ecstasy. He pins you down on your own mattress, licking his lips at the sight of your exposed body. Tits perking up to him, body arches by his touches. Nikolai could not help but throw his head back with a loud moan eliciting from his throat when he buries his cock into your cunt.

“Oh, fuck...” he breathes sensually. His hand trails up your torso, fondling your tits, pinching your nipples on its way to your neck. You gasp when he wraps his fingers around your neck, squeezing it until you grab his arms. Your eyes roll back when he pushes his cock deeper, hips bucking to meet his slow thrust.

“So tight... So warm...” He moans, fastening his thrusts. You let out a string of broken whimpers as your legs wrap around his waist, locking him deep with you. Nikolai chuckles, his hand caresses your thigh as he keeps his pace.

“Hold me, my love.”

Your brain is too clouded with lust and pleasure as you hold him, resting your hands on his broad shoulders and caressing his back. Nikolai leans lower, suddenly giving rough thrusts and receiving your scratches on his back.

“Aah—!”

“Good, good girl,” He kisses your forehead, lowly moaning like a slut against your skin. Chills run down his spine, straight to his cock when you bury your nails on his back, and though they are not hard enough to bleed, they indeed sting.

And it feels good.

Your hands are frantic on his body when the tip of his cock nudges that sweet spot in your drooling pussy. His precum is leaking inside you, adding to the wetness on your crotch. Strings of arousal are damping his pubes and your folds. Your legs tremble around him and your body jerks occasionally. Nikolai groans pleasedly, feeling your walls tighten and warm his girth.

“C-Close...” You whine. “H-Harder, please...”

Nikolai grins wickedly before he suddenly pushes you roughly to break apart from his body. You yelp when he once again places his hand tight around your neck. “Ha— Hrk— K-Kolya— Aah!” You choke out his name when he gets deeper. You whine when his tempo is getting slower—you are close to orgasm and he is messing around.

Nikolai loosens his grip and you whimper, begging him to go harder and deeper. You are close and he knows that. “F-Fuckin' hell, Nikolai..! P-Please, hard—”

Your words cut off short when he suddenly shoves his gun right into your mouth. Eyes wide, you cannot help but gag when Nikolai pushes the muzzle deeper into your mouth. Saliva drools out from the corner of your lips. Your hands clench tightly on his body.

“I can just...” He sighs happily, pressing down the hammer. “... kill you now.”

Nikolai laughs in jitter as he continues to thrust again, this time faster and rasher. He keeps his gun in your mouth, while his other hand moves down to your clit, stroking it teasingly. He stabilises himself and pulls out a few inches before ramming his whole dick into your cunt. You let out a small yelp when your pussy takes him to the base—your tummy bulges.

He is excited.

And you are scared. He is playing with your life by a thread. Anytime he can press the trigger and shoot you through your head. Anytime he can kill you and fuck you cold. Death is close but your body is reacting to this danger a little too positively.

Nikolai chortles when he leans forward, shoving the gun to the back of your throat, causing you to gag and squirm under him. His irises are twitching as he stares at you with a malicious smile. His breathing quickens as his chest heaves heavily with passion.

“I can kill you right now. I can kill you. I can kill you now and be truly free forever. You will die and I will no longer suffer I feel! You will die and you will feel it too. Aah, it's so close... It's so close, my dove! Just one more step and I can reach it! I can feel it, love! My freedom! Our bliss! Can you feel it?”

“Can,” a thrust.

“you,” another,

“feel,” another,

“me?”

You whine loudly, eyes rolling back as you grip the sheets and shudder under him. You shut your eyes, cunt contracting around his girth tighter. His finger massages your clit diligently. Your tummy feels funny, pooling with intense desire and lust. Your hips shake as they meet Nikolai's, desperate for a release.

“Hrk—! Hmmh! Mmh!” You try to say something but the words are gurgled because of the gun. You pant, eyes hazy when an intense rush of pleasure runs all over your body. You cum, slightly jerking when Nikolai rows his hips slowly.

“There you go, baby. Good girl,” He chuckles as his finger is ghosting over the trigger. You shake your head and Nikolai cackles, crazed.

“Say that you're mine.”

He pulls the gun out—the tip is coated with saliva—before he shoves the gun on your forehead. “Fucking say it.” He demands.

You whimper out weakly, with teary eyes gazing back at him. “Y-Yours… I-I am yours…”

Nikolai chuckles before clashing his lips with you, sloppily kissing you as he lets go of the gun. His tongue slides inside, moving around yours. Your soft moan between the kiss is harmony to his ear. The kiss breaks but his lips land on your jaw and down to your throat instead. Nikolai smooches his way to nibble your skin and finally he halts right beside your ear.

“Right, my love. You are mine. You're mine and I'm wholly yours. And I won't fucking let you go, not to anyone.”

— ✯

Me [12:37 a.m.] : i'm on my way tho! see you, love❤️

It is past 1AM and Nikolai is excited. He almost arrived at your house. Usually, he parks his car a few blocks away and he would walk to your house. He does not plan to enter respectfully—his way of entering is just breaking in straight from the window. He doubts you have gone asleep since he knows you likely just got home from your party.

He feels somewhat jealous. He wanted to see you partying. In fact, Nikolai planned to follow you to your outing but Erika had to block him from leaving and attend a meeting with the staff. He dislikes being ordered around but he is fully aware that Erika is being strict because he is slacking off, especially when his main attention in life is not the circus, but you.

Maybe someday he will hire you as a crew member for his circus.

Nikolai grins happily at the thought of you becoming his cute assistant. How romantic would that be! However, his imagination drops instantly when he sees a strange car in front of your garage. Nikolai rushes to hide behind a tree—it does not cover him properly but the sky is already veiled in the darkest shade of blue. He will not get spotted easily. .

He peeks at it, as his thumbs are typing frantically on his phone.

Me [1:16 a.m.] : whose car is that?

“Who the hell is that..?” Nikolai murmurs, watching a man help you to get to your house. His arm is around your waist and he is pulling you closer to his body. And you look too out of it, with your legs wobbly as you try to make it to the door.

His fingers are frantic as he continues to message you. His messages are delivered but unresponded. Nikolai grunts and hits the tree with his fist. He is freaking out and anxious. His stomach is heavy and his chest tenses. For a quick moment, he is angry.

Who's that? Why are you like that? Are you cheating on me? Are you leaving me? Did you forget about me? You're supposed to be mine, mine, mine, mine, mine!

“Fuck.” Nikolai grumbles before he rushes to your house. He gets to the window where he would always stand and peeks inside. He sees you are talking to a man. Your eyes are hazy and full of longing, yet they are fixated not on Nikolai himself but on that fucking man.

I'll kill you. I'll kill you both. I'll kill you and keep you close. And he will witness my love towards you.

Nikolai clenches his fists before he hides behind the wall, careful to not let his figure be seen from inside. Once again, he spams your message with distressed words. He is distressed, worried that you are bringing someone else to your home, knowing that you are fully his.

He peeks again, seeing the man gently supporting you to walk to your room. Nikolai watches attentively, and he frowns after he examines your face, your body, your steps and movements. He realizes you are batshit drunk and although he is relieved that you are most likely not cheating on him, instead he gets more concerned about your well-being. This cannot be! He needs to be the one who takes care of you! Ah, if only he had finished his work sooner, he could have gone to you.

This is all Erika's fault.

Nikolai decides to check the hidden cameras that he has implemented around your house. Though he hates his past and laments over his sins all those years ago, he is thankful for the illegal additional skills he learns. Nikolai clicks on an application on his phone and it immediately shows the recording of your living room. He scrolls a bit, and finally, he gets to the recording of a camera in your room.

You are beneath that man.

And you are struggling.

Pure rage boils in his head. Nikolai wastes no time to rush to the door, twisting the knob. It is unlocked, most likely that stupid fucking man forgets to lock it. He gets inside and to your bedroom. He tries to twist the knob—to hell with all this hiding bullshit. You are getting assaulted while you are barely sober and he could not care less about the consequences. All he wants now is to behead that guy and present his head for dinner.

But the knob to your bedroom is locked.

Oh, now it's locked? Now it's locked! Now it's locked!

Nikolai grits his teeth. His chest hurts. He is clouded with anger and he is high with violent tendencies. He takes his gun out of his pocket, gripping it tightly. He brings his hand up to the door and slams it.

Bam!

And he repeats it again and again, wanting the man to open it so he can bury a bullet in that fucking skull.

“Haa—”

Nikolai stops when his hand is aching. He really did slam the door with his fist roughly. He breathes heavily, trying to calm down when a small realization seeps into his mind.

What am I doing? I get too outraged. I let this anger swallow me whole. I feel controlled. I don't think this is who I want to be. I don't want to feel I am stuck I am brainwashed I am brainwashed I am brainwashed —His heart screams for help, begging you to come out already and embrace him.

Open the fucking door. —Though his head is still full of violence. He wants nothing but blood to spill in this house, and he wants to bathe you in it.

Nikolai's lips parted, wanting to mutter your name, but all it leaves is just a small broken groan. He holds his head, conflicted. He can end his confusion now. He can end the very source that cages him now. He can taste that painful freedom again.

But he is a coward.

He leaves your house immediately. He does not look back as he walks fast to his car. When he is finally alone in the car, Nikolai palms his face, sighing.

I am losing myself to things I despise. I am losing myself to things I despise. I am losing myself to things I despise.

His mumbles are cluttered. Chaos.. He leans back, staring at the night sky, wondering if the choices he made have ever been correct.

Nikolai lets out a shaky sigh. It is not the first time his mind is jumbled over something so simple—he is well aware of it. But it still hurts—knowing the very reason for his happiness is the reason for his inner suffering. For countless times, he has thought of killing you, in hopes he can finally be relieved from this brainwashing.

But just like those years ago... When he contemplated killing a friend, to be truly free—Nikolai does not feel an ounce of his supposed freedom. He still yearns for it. He yearns for something else entirely. At that moment, he knew that he did not truly want freedom. Freedom, free will, or whatever you call it, they are not the number one in the list.

Nikolai wants to be understood.

And he feels strongly that you will understand him.

After all, you are already showing signs of conflicts within yourself. He is convinced you love him just as much as he does. But you are holding yourself back—because you are a good girl.

Nikolai loves himself a good girl.

And he wants to bring you to madness too.

No matter how much he wants to kill you, to get rid of you, to make you disappear from his life—the mere thoughts of you leaving him already makes his head a mess. For months, for almost a year, he always has the chance to end your life. Indeed, just over a week ago, he can definitely shoot you dead—but he does not want it. He is already in agony, he cannot afford to add more to his misery. At the very least, let himself be in bliss.

His phone pings and Nikolai takes it out of his pocket. A new message.

my little dove♡ [1:47 a.m.] : Nikolai?

— ✯

Rotting. He might as well be dead.

Nikolai could not sleep peacefully. The scenario is ringing in the back of his head. He feels angry, frustrated, guilty—angry because a man kissed you, frustrated because of his love towards you, guilty because he could not protect you.

He has called Erika, telling her that he is sick, so he will not come to the circus. Before she could get mad, Nikolai already hung up. And then he is back to rotting again. The bed sheets are pulling him, sticking to his body, not allowing him to move other than to think and think and think.

He tries his hardest to get up. He needs to wash himself. He needs to be clean and proper. He needs to live.

So he makes a small weak stride to the bathroom. Standing by the sink, Nikolai begins his morning routine—at a very slow pace. As he is cleansing his face, he recalls.

He recalls what was his life about before you burst into his life. He remembers Yokohama, the very place he swears to not return. He left in order to pursue his freedom—at that time, well, he would like to find other ways to satisfy his ideal. This circus he returned to is one of his stepping stones. He took the role of the ringmaster, as he dislikes to be under one's subordination. He thought that gaining a sense of power over people would fulfill his heart. Instead, it is just feeding his own loneliness.

Years. For several years, he wanders on this earth, seeking something, someone, anyone, anything, to give him what he wants. He considered committing more atrocities—as evil perhaps the best option for him to differentiate himself from normality.

But Nikolai is just tired.

He has lived over three decades and he is already tired.

And when he thought that there was little meaning to his life and his pursuit, you came into his view.

He remembers, oh, he truly remembers the very first second he laid his eyes on you. You, whom he saw from thousands of spectators. Your adorable face caught his attention but when he focused on longer, he found more. A lone person, smiling cheerfully by herself. Even when the acts on the circus stage were getting grotesque, you were not horrified—you were amazed.

Interest became an attention. Attention became a curiosity. Curiosity became a desire. And his desire became a pure obsession.

Nikolai did not think he would get that deranged over a person, after what happened with his dearest friend years ago. But he did. He gets too deeply into your elements. He knows he wants to pursue his freedom—you. A strange yearning blooms in his heart. He got back to commit heinous crimes for you. He stained his hands with blood, for you.

Nikolai gets nauseous upon thinking back to the crimes he committed. He killed innocent cops who tried to help you. He threatened your past partners. He killed some of them. They were begging for their lives as their blood spilled out from their orifices and wounds. Nikolai remembered the pang of empathy that barges his heart but he convinced himself that it was for the best.

But the 'best' is just locking himself up in his love towards you.

What is free will? How does one 'free' themselves? Nikolai tries to remember what he did in Yokohama—and the only answer he has in mind is just to kill himself. He truly had made his choice to die, though he changed his mind. But it is not too late to die.

Nikolai feels like he is not himself. His vision feels like he is navigating a body, rather than living through that body. The monologues, the whispers, the voices—they are cacophony.

Am I living? Am I not living?

“To be free is to allow myself to die. To die or not to die, I will regret both anyway. It is not too late to die. It is not too late to be free. Not too late. Not too late. Not too late..” Nikolai says to himself with a broken laugh, as if he is persuading himself to go through it. His palm has several pills. Breathing quickens, he shoves the pills into his mouth.

Swallow. Swallow. Swallow and die, die, die, die

“Kolya?”

Your voice.

He stops. Your voice pulls his consciousness to live through his body and yet it is not enough to make his head make sense.

Are you here? Are you here for me?

Nikolai then quickly opens the toilet bowl lid, shoving his fingers into the back of his throat to force himself to vomit out the few pills he has consumed. His view is blurry and distorted. And he can hear your voice. He hears you.

He cannot die yet when you are here, when you are near.

For seven minutes he spends vomiting and coughing out the pills, he wipes his mouth hastily and rushes out from the bathroom. His smile broadens as he expects his one and only.

He calls your name.

Realization hits, smile withers, hope shatters.

What do you expect, fool?

You are still alone in this house.

— ✯

It takes Nikolai about two hours to properly wash up and clean up. He has showered. With a pair of shorts hanging low on his waist, he makes himself a simple breakfast—peanut butter and jelly toast. It is actually something he noticed about you. You tend to make simple toasts to bring to your office when you are running later than your usual schedule. He smiles to himself, reminiscing that one time he saw you eat peanut butter and jelly toast deliciously while you were reading a novel in your room.

You like that toast. So he likes it too.

He makes a cup of instant coffee to go along with it. He sits at the dining table, taking his phone to see if there's any work for him. As the leader of the circus, he has to oversee everything—the funhouse, the finance, the staff, the merchandise, the circus shows. He is glad he knows how to work those stuff since he disguised himself to be a government official several years ago.

Nikolai opens the messaging app, only to find a message from you.

my little dove ♡ [10:28 a.m.] : What's with the flowers? You think you're gonna spook me because you know where I work at?

Nikolai frowns. Flowers? He does not recall sending you flowers. Great idea though—surely he will send you one after this, but who is this person who gave you flowers? He replies to your message.

Me [10:30 a.m.] : what flowers? my little dove ♡ [10:31 a.m.] : Nothing. Sorry, wrong person. Me [10:31 a.m.] : tell me my little dove ♡ [10:31 a.m.] : Nothing. I thought you bothered me, so yeah. my little dove ♡ [10:32 a.m.] : Don't bother me! I'm working.

Nikolai is confused. Although he wants to pressure more for answers, he will not bother you for now. He would like to ask you about last night though. He wants to know whether you are fine or not, whether you are hurt or not. But he is not sure if he should bring up that conversation now.

However, he remembers that man. The man that held and kissed you. He grumbles, munching the toast stiffly before he gets up and brings his coffee to his working desk. Nikolai sits, turning on the computer.

He is glad that his friend was a cybercriminal. And he will find out who was that fucking man and who gave you the flowers.

— ✯

“Fuckass house.”

Nikolai grumbles as he looks at the house of the man who bothered you. He found out his name is Alex. Boring name, Nikolai thought. As usual, he parked his car far away and walked. If something goes wrong, at least it will not be easy for the authorities to trace him by his car.

Nikolai looks at his watch—it is past 12AM. He strides towards the house and examines its outside. All windows are covered with curtains, except a few. Nikolai makes a round with quiet steps and he gets to the back where the kitchen would usually be.

He wears his full face mask with his hood on. It is the same one he uses when he stalks and haunts you. Fully intentional—as he discovered this morning that Alex will come along with your friend group to his circus show. He already has a plan in mind on how to teach that bastard a real lesson. Tonight, it is just to spook him.

Nikolai knows people would think he is a dumbass based on how he acts—loud, annoying, slacking off. But that plays well to his advantage as people tend to be friendlier and lower their guard around him. There are only a good handful of people who are aware of how dangerous he is.

He likes that little boost of ego. He wonders what your reaction would be when you learned that he was one of the perpetrators of an infamous global terrorism attack several years ago. Will you be impressed or frightened?

Nikolai needs to focus now. He will scare Alex and when the time is on his side, he will kill him. He already made up his mind—no sympathy for this bastard who dared to touch what's his.

Nikolai gets to the back. He notices a door that leads to the kitchen. He cannot get in through the window as there are bars. So he resolves to the door. It is locked, however after a few twists. It is not really a problem as Nikolai shoots the knob, rattling it loose and pushes the door with his whole weight.

He is in the house. Carefully, he closes the kitchen door and treads deeper. The living room is dark. But he can hear voices from around the corner. Nikolai ignores it for a moment. He instead checks around, planning an emergency hiding spot and his exit route.

His goal is just to scare Alex tonight. He gets to the kitchen and takes out a bag of bloody kitchen knives from his coat. He exchanges the clean knives on the counter with the bloody ones—this is purely for dramatic effect and a distraction. Then, Nikolai opens a nearby storage room and hides in it. He leaves a gap between the door and the frame, just enough for him to aim his silenced gun at the kitchen.

He presses the hammer and then the trigger—three times he shoots randomly to the kitchen. The bullets hit a steel pot, making it fall. And then the cabinet and the plates.

He retracts his gun when he hears a door creaking. Just a few seconds later, Alex leaves a room with suspicion on his face. Nikolai gets angrier, scanning his face and appearance to take note of the details.

“Ugly bastard... Who the hell do you think you are?” He murmurs to himself as he watches Alex getting panicked and scared. Alex checks the mess in the kitchen, unaware of Nikolai's glare. He then runs to his bedroom before he leaves again to the kitchen. This time, he has a phone in his hand.

“Calling the police, huh?” Nikolai mumbles. He slowly opens the storage room door and lowers his body. His destination is Alex's room. While Alex is busy explaining crazy things to the emergency officer, Nikolai stalks quickly into the bedroom.

Alex's bedroom is not as big as yours. It is just like something a middle-class person would possess. A bed, a closet, unwashed clothes, a desk with computers on it. It seems that Alex was playing a game before Nikolai made a commotion. Nikolai leans forward to the computer, clicking stuff to see if Alex is planning something to do with you.

He does not find any polaroids or list of future gifts or a special collection box of you or anything like that in Alex's room. But he does find an interesting receipt when he rummages through the trash bin. A receipt from a flower shop. It seems that Alex bought a bouquet around 9AM this morning and there was a delivery fee too. He connects the dots easily. Alex paid for a bouquet and for someone to send it somewhere. Nikolai cannot fathom why and how but his guts are telling him strongly that the flowers you received were from Alex. He clicks his tongue—How boring! How normal! Is this really the man who wants to appeal to my girl? Fool.

Though, he is glad that Alex does not go overboard... yet. Because if he did, Nikolai would dig his heart out right there and then.

Nikolai wants to linger around longer but he hears Alex's panicked voice getting louder—He is coming. Nikolai looks around and he rushes to the window, pushing it wide enough for him to squeeze out of the room. As soon as he is out, Nikolai reaches for the handle and closes it back. And at the same time, the door to Alex's bedroom is being opened.

“Yes! Please send the police—”

Alex freezes and Nikolai stands straight. He faces him. Although his mask limits his vision, he can still see Alex's shocked face. Alex is shouting profanities at him but still maintains his distance from the window. He yells at the phone for help.

“He's right in my window! Just send anyone!”

Nikolai tilts his head, glaring at Alex. He is certainly looking down on him—this? This is the man who tried to woo you? This? This thing?

Nikolai rolls his eyes. He hopes that the mask will not conceal his disgusted face. Alex is still scared and he is no longer on a phone call. Instead, he is reaching for a baseball bat by his desk and holds it cautiously. Nikolai snickers behind his mask.

I have a gun, dumbass.

He knows the police or some kind of authorities are coming. Nikolai pulls the hood lower and he jogs away from Alex's house. He can already hear the faint siren of the police.

“Hey!” Alex shouts and Nikolai turns his head slightly, seeing the man looking at him from the window. The longer he sees Alex, the deeper his anger is digging into his heart—knowing that this man would be a bigger trouble for him if he let Alex live any longer.

His fingers are itching to get the gun and fire it directly at him.

But Nikolai knows better than to play a rushing game. He ducks his body, slipping between bushes and trees, and disappearing into the neighbourhood.

— ✯

A few days have gone by and Nikolai is reluctant to go to work. At the ripe hour of eight in the morning, one of his crew members is already knocking on his campervan. Nikolai grumbles, stretching himself on the bed. His hair is a mess.

“Sir! Sir, are you awake? Are you dead?”

“Yes, I am! Go away! I will come to the rehearsal right on time, alright? Shoo!” Nikolai shouts back from the window. He grunts in dissatisfaction. He really does not have the energy to work, especially when he has not contacted you for a couple of days already, ever since he stalked Alex to his house.

Nikolai gets up, leaning over his small working desk. A board of polaroids is on the table. They are pictures of you and when he sees his particular favourite photo of you, he giggles to himself. He props his head on the desk, eyes staring at each of your photos.

“You know,” He suddenly says—to you. His finger traces one polaroid, taken two months ago. It was snapped exactly at the moment when you noticed his presence and stopped swaying your body according to the music you put on. He remembers giggling at the sight of you quickly running away to your room after you saw him.

“I think you were embarrassed because I saw you enjoying the music a little too much. But you're the cutest girl ever.” He says. “I love you so much, you can't even understand.” He sighs, kissing the photo before he leans back. Throwing his head back, Nikolai mourns over his solitude in this campervan.

He wonders how it would look if you were standing in his van right now—laying on his bed, trying on his coats and shirts, watching him work, tidying up his mess. Nikolai stares blankly at the space in front of him, deluding himself into another reality where you are in his space, within his orbit.

His mind is playing tricks again—he can somehow imagine and see your presence, feel your touch and hear your voice, despite being fully aware that he is just a lone clown in this room.

That fantasy is teasing his fingertips. It's near and yet it's so far out of reach. He can just kidnap you, bring you here and tie you forever—but that is his twenty-sixth plan if you still insist. He prefers it if you come directly to him, inviting yourself into his home and making it complete all over.

Nikolai palms his face, caressing his skin before he sighs. He is losing his mind—and it will happen again, slowly but surely—and it is because of the mere thoughts of you being in his campervan. He wonders if this love is truly ridiculous—has anyone ever loved someone this strongly? Like this? Like him?

His questions are unanswered when he hears a knock on the door. Nikolai gets up and strides to the door, opening it.

“Oh, fucking hell— Wear your clothes!” Erika groans.

Nikolai looks down, realizing he is just in his navy blue pants. He forgets to wear a shirt beforehand—well, he often sleeps shirtless and he just woke up no more than thirty minutes ago. Nikolai grins and slams the door on Erika. He grabs a white shirt and wears it.

Then he opens the door again, only to be met with Erika whose back is facing him.

“Hey, I'm dressed up already.”

Erika turns and lets out a sarcastic sigh of relief. “Thank God. Now can we talk professionally?” She asks, placing her hand on her hip. Nikolai scrunches his nose and crosses his arms. He leans against the door frame of the campervan, eyes looking around the field before they land on Erika again.

“Is this about... what, fuckin' investors or something?”

“Well, that is on our agenda too. You have three reports to look over...” Erika's voice enters through one ear and leaves through another. He does not have the energy to listen at all. He knows what he has to do—he is not that incompetent but perhaps the way he poses himself makes him look like that.

Though he is very annoyed with Erika's strictness, she is quite irreplaceable. He purses a smile when his head fantasises about the chances of you working along with Erika.

“What do you think if I get you an assistant?” Nikolai suddenly asks and Erika stumbles over her words. She blinks confusedly and looks at Nikolai with disapproval.

“I'm basically your assistant and I need an assistant? An assistant for an assistant?”

“I’m just suggesting.”

“Right... Funny. I don't think I need another brat to take care of, thanks. Don't burden anyone else to keep up with your shit.” She says, huffing before she gives him a file. Nikolai takes it and Erika turns to leave.

“Erika.” She turns around. Nikolai stares at the tents of the circus. He knows you are coming today with your friends. Alex will be here. And he would love to 'tease' him with a sprinkle of violence. He does not have a clear plan in his head but he could set some traps, waiting for these mouses to step into them.

“Erika, I want to give away at least... seven to ten free tickets to a funhouse.”

Erika frowns, looking at Nikolai with uncertainty. “Sir, may I remind you that... we already gave away free tickets for the circus show. Now you want to give away ten tickets for a funhouse? That's a lot of money! For what? Is there an event I wasn't aware of?” She asks. Nikolai shakes his head.

“Like I always said, it is just a fun thing to do for lucky visitors. Money is not really my priority. So, Erika, go prepare them and hold them for me. Can you do that?” He asks back, purposely lowering the octave of his voice, giving Erika an illusion of sternness. She hesitates but at the end, she nods slowly, agreeing. Nikolai knows that while she always questions his abrupt decisions, it is rare for her to be completely against it—he knows these circus people do respect him to a certain degree.

“Right. Okay, whatever. What funhouse do you want?”

“The antique house.”

— ✯

“Gogol, don't tilt your head down so much.”

“M'kay, sorry.” Nikolai says nonchalantly. He brings his phone up a bit, so he can type his messages to you. He smiles, enjoying the interaction he is having with you now although it is just online. It feels like he is speaking with you directly.

“You're smiling so hard, Gogol. What's up? A new hookup?” His make-up artist teases as she carefully pats the brush on his cheek. Nikolai snorts.

“My lover. I don't hook up that much, mind you.”

“Oh~ that's cute! I bet she must be very nice.” She asks, genuinely sounding happy for Nikolai. Nikolai chuckles at her remarks—Nice? Well, he guesses he could call you nice, if he ignores the fact that you have slapped and kicked him.

“She's a nice girl. I might introduce her to you guys one day.” Nikolai says, delighted. His eyes then wander around the mirror in front of him. It reflects his background—his circus troupes, his gymnasts, his acrobats, his magicians, his jesters, his staff. A sense of warmth and comfort courses deeply into his nerves as he reminisces about how you too enjoy watching these people's hard work.

“I'm pretty sure she would love all of you too.”

The show is going well and as of now, the stage belongs to a trio of acrobats who are currently performing horror and thrilling acrobatic acts. The audience could not stop gasping and screaming in fear—it is just what he wants to receive from these people.

Nikolai stands closely behind the curtain that separates the stage and backstage. Fire and dust dominate the stage. Though his view is disrupted, Nikolai is determined to seek you within the crowds. And it takes him about five minutes to locate you, that is after he curses the acrobats to move just a bit to the right so he can take a good look at you.

He smiles when he sees your jaw hanging when the acrobats are hanging in the air with the support of the ropes. Your amazement is his entertainment. Your little flinch and your lips mouthing 'Wow!' make Nikolai beams wider. Your skin glimmers under the luminous fire, and Nikolai can only think of how magical you look.

However, sometimes, his entertainment has its flaws.

Alex is sitting beside you.

Oh, Alex. Alex, fucking bastard. You just stay away from the holder of my heart, huh?

Nikolai notices how Alex keeps stealing glances at you. He feels a tang of envy when Alex talks to you about things—that aren't even important, she doesn't want to listen to you, little boy, go away go away go away—and how you respond to him nicely with a sweet smile. Envy is spreading over him and he could only subdue it quietly.

Patience, Kolyushka. Patience. This envy is temporary. My little dove is eternity.

The show ends well.

Nikolai actually does not really stay on the stage after ending the show for pictures. But ever since you caught his attention, whenever you are present in the circus tent, he finds himself staying behind. He takes pictures with the fans, yes, but his main goal is to get you to come and take a picture with him.

That was literally his whole initial plan to get to you. Approach you not as a stalker but as a ringmaster, and then play gentleman. Ask for your number and then contact you normally. Yes, that was his plan. No mentions of stalking to you.

But fate has been kinder—things play out differently, you provoked this bloody path on himself and yourself. The switch flipped when you screamed, “Come and fetch me!” with people around looking at you weirdly.

After months of waiting, you finally stay. Though, this time, you are staying because your friends want to take a picture with him. Nikolai certainly enjoys teasing you by signing your tits—that is an act he does not expect from you at all. How brave! How surprising! He loves surprises and to think that you decide to do that? Ah, so adorable!

If he is a little crazier, he will kiss you right at that moment.

He interrogates your group, under the pretense of friendliness. But really, he wants to find a little opening he could pry and exploit. He listens and watches your friends' reactions and acts carefully, especially Alex who stands one foot too close to his supposed distance. He should be far far far away from you—better yet, Alex should be on the road, getting hit on by a car.

“Hey, you okay?” Nikolai hears Alex's question and he wants to just snarl at this guy. Of course you are okay. Why is this bastard asking ridiculous questions? When Nikolai is near, you are always okay!

You two exchange looks but before you can respond to Alex, Nikolai quickly throws his bait, speaking theatrically, “Ah, it seems that this little dove has told me a piece of information! Hear ye, hear ye! Did I just confirm my assumption that you groupie haven't been here in this haunted fair before?” He asks as he retreats the gold marker from your skin. Without any bit of shame, Nikolai fixes your neckline and blouses, purposely brushing his hand over your tits. It is unfortunate that he has his gloves on or else he could have felt your skin now.

“Yes, we actually got free tickets. Well, to be exact, I was approached by a young guy and he gave me some tickets. So I just shared it with my friends here.” a woman from the group replies. She has a nice smile, yet Nikolai could not really pinpoint why but she has a certain vibe to her that needs him to watch her carefully. After all, he knows you are not close with most of these people. Colleagues, acquaintances, co-workers—but not friends. He knows.

He knows how it feels to be just a colleague for some he considered a friend.

Nikolai realizes there is an opening for him to set up his trap. He grins, squeezing your shoulder lightly. “Well, I'm glad our marketing team is doing well! But since most of you are pretty much first-timers here, why don't you enjoy one of our playhouses for free?”

He almost laughs when he feels your disbelief stare at him, but he just keeps his eyes on your friends, hoping they will accept his offer. Or at the very least, he wants Alex to accept his offer. He needs Alex to come with him to the funhouse, so he can make a headline of a murder case in a horror circus.

“It's ok—” You try to protest but Nikolai quickly cuts you off, speaking louder so your friends will not ask you to repeat yourself.

“Wouldn't that be fun? I mean, it's too early to leave the fair! We have a lot of playhouses and I would love to see newcomers' reaction to our fair!” He says jovially. His smile is broad, giving them a sense of friendliness and the feeling of being welcomed to his territory.

“Wait, really? More free tickets?” the woman who replies to him initially asks. She has taken the bait clearly when she looks visibly excited.

“Yes, sweetheart!” Nikolai exclaims, clapping his hands. “You guys can all try one of our playhouses! Well, let's see... One.. two... three... yes, yes, that's more than enough. That settles it! I know a perfect funhouse for your group!”

I know a perfect game for you, Alex.

“... Really? More free tickets? I mean, we already come here without paying, so, are we really going to get the same opportunity? Wouldn't the higher-ups of this fair get mad about free tickets being given just like that?”

Welp, Nikolai does not expect Alex would voice out his concern. He thought Alex would just follow the others. But maybe he gets cautious after what happened to him last night. Nikolai smirks, cockily says: “Honey, I lead this circus, the very heart of this fair.”

He then taps your shoulder, receiving a small flinch from you—How cute, you adorable bunny. “Well! What do you all say? Would you like to play our funhouse?” He asks.

“I'm in, yeah.”

“I don't have anything to do after this, so I'm in.”

“Ooh, I like free things.”

“I’m with Julia...”

Nikolai smiles victoriously when the majority of you people agree to take his offer. He looks at you, tilting his head. You are eyeing him with a slight frown on your face. No doubt you are suspicious of his dramatic plan and Nikolai is more than happy to play quizzes with you.

“I'm with them... I guess.” You reply slowly. Nikolai clasps his hands, gasping happily.

“Great! Just a second, ladies and gents,” He says before he turns his head to the curtain. “Erika! Come here! Hey you! Tell Erika to come here now!” He shouts for his assistant, ordering an employee who is pushing a cart of technical boxes. He looks baffled but he obediently leaves the cart to call for Erika.

As Nikolai waits, he turns to the group. He sees Alex approaching you. Nikolai scoots closer but keeps his eyes on the curtain. His ears are focusing on the conversation between you and Alex, spoken in low volume.

“You don't look like you wanna go along,” Alex says.

“N-No. I do want to go. It's just—”

“If you wanna go home, I can accompany you.”

No. No, no, no. He tried to kiss you, to shove his disgusting tongue down your fucking throat when he accompanied you home the first time. He is not nice. He is going to do worse things to you. How dare he? How unaware he could be? What a waste of space, I should've killed him last night.

Nikolai tugs your blouse from behind, though he still does not turn to you. But from the corner of his eyes, Nikolai can see you look at your friend group and then him. You then turn to Alex. Nikolai's fingers clutch your blouse tighter, sending silent signals to you.

Don't. Don't follow him. Don't let him in. Don't go. Don't leave me.

“Uh, I think it's fine. I don't really wanna go home right now... Thanks for the offer though.” He hears you say and Nikolai finally breathes out in relief. He purses his lips, swallowing back his smile.

“Really? I am totally fine to ditch along with you.”

“No, Alex. I am fine. I'm staying.” You repeat, this time a bit stricter. Nikolai almost cracks out a sneer. He feels very proud of you. In his heart, he mocks Alex for his pathetic failed attempt—Ha! Suck it, you son of a bitch.

“Gogol,” Nikolai's eyes focus again on the curtain when his name is called. He spots Erika walking towards him. She is wearing high-waisted pants and a black shirt. A red lanyard is hanging on her neck. Nikolai notices how you turn to look at Erika and your gaze is leering for quite a few moments on her. Erika, however, only gives you a glimpse of a smile before her attention is diverted to Nikolai.

“The tickets,” Nikolai says and Erika straightaway opens her folder and takes out a bundle of tickets. “This is the antique house one, right?” He asks. Erika nods. Nikolai smiles pleasantly and gives the bundle of tickets to you who is the nearest person to him.

“Here you go, love. I'm not sure if they’re enough or more for you guys, but if there are leftovers, just leave the tickets to the staff who takes care of the funhouse.” He says and you nod, taking the tickets. But before you could examine them, Julia snatches the tickets from your hand. It is not rude or rough but by your expression, Nikolai sees that you are utterly speechless and taken aback.

“Thanks for this, mister!” One of your friends says and they walk off, following Julia who is already enthusiastic about their scary journey. You sigh softly and are about to follow too before Nikolai pokes your shoulder. You glance at him and he smiles.

‘Thank you,’ He mouths.

Your eyes linger on his face. Your irises wander on his face as if you are trying to read his mind. But you then realize that Erika is still beside him. You nod timidly and step away before you turn around and catch after your friend.

“You like that girl.”

Nikolai turns to Erika. She smiles coyly and Nikolai sighs in a playful manner. “What are you? A psychologist now?”

“I just get the feeling,” She shrugs her shoulders and leans close. “Don't tell me the giveaway thingy is your attempt to impress her.” She says, hushed. Nikolai snorts scornfully.

“First of all, no. It's not too impress her.” It is the truth. Nikolai has already impressed you by other playful means. “And second of all, haven't you noticed how she keeps attending our show? She's like a loyal customer! Gotta get people's favour, am I right?” He grins before he turns around to leave the tent. Erika shrugs off her shoulders as she follows his steps.

“Right. Whatever you want, boss. As long as you don't pull weird ass shit.”

Nikolai stifles his laugh—Oh, he already pulled weird shit and he will do it again. He brings his hand to Erika's back, patting her in a friendly manner. “I know what I'm doing. Now, go and oversee the clown corners. Make sure they are working hard to make people piss their pants.”

“What the fuck— Hey, that's supposed to be your job. You go!” Erika objects and Nikolai shakes his head playfully. His fingers start to unbutton his vest.

“I have important things to do! I'm leaving the clown corner to you!” Nikolai says happily and immediately disappears into the backstage tent, making his way to his stylist to change his clothes.

And he is totally unaware of you who have been watching him and Erika from the entrance. Curious.

— ✯

Nikolai puts on a long coat over his body, fixing the sleeves. He also takes one of his jackets and folds it nicely so he can carry it. He buttons up his black shirt before he reaches for the mask in his drawer. He also grabs a couple of sharp knives and tissues, which he stuffs into the pocket of his pants.

His lithe fingers are moving swiftly on his hair, braiding it. Satisfied with his look, he leaves his campervan and hurries to a funhouse by going through the back route. After about five minutes, he arrives at 18xx Antique House. He can hear the screams of people from the funhouse. He wonders if one of those screams is yours. He slips into the staff room from the back, being greeted by one of them.

“Oh, hello, sir.”

“Hey,” Nikolai replies shortly to the guy who greeted him. He smiles and opens one of the lockers to shove the jacket inside it. He glances at the staff and when he sees that they are not looking, he quickly takes out the mask and puts it inside the locker too. Nikolai slams the door close before he turns to them.

“Sir, are you supervising us?” one of them asks.

“Nope. I'm... well, I'll explain later. May I see the cameras?” He asks as he walks to the monitoring table. Nikolai scans the monitors carefully, trying to see if the current group that is playing this funhouse is your friend group or not. Fortunately, it is not your group.

So he can proceed with his fun game.

“God damn, these people are not even finding clues but making a mess. It's gonna be hard to tidy up the mysteries again.” One of the staff says. Nikolai turns to him, cocking his eyebrow. The guy looks at Nikolai and grins. “Sir, I think we should add ten more minutes to the waiting time.”

“Fifteen minutes are more than enough for you guys to put back the mysteries in its place. You don't have to put the clues in the same spot, you know?” Nikolai says as he flaps his shirt, already feeling hot in this room. “Why the hell is it so hot? Turn the AC on.”

“The AC is broken. We already put it on sixteen Celsius and it still feels like twenty-five.” The other guy says. Nikolai just sighs, reminding himself to bring this issue up to the technician team later. He takes off his coat and undoes a couple of buttons on his shirt.

He watches the monitor again and this time, the current group has finished playing. All of them are caught by the scare actors and they do not finish the game. He watches them leave the funhouse—glad that they still had fun, though one person was crying—and then his eyes catch sight of something.

Your group is approaching the entrance of the funhouse.

“Haha...” He lets out a breathy chuckle but stops himself before his staff questions him. He looks at them. They are preparing to leave the room so they can reset and clean up the funhouse for the next players. The door to the staff room is suddenly open from the outside and the scare actor who worked a hard time just now enters the room.

“That was so tiring! The fuck, I should've gone back to the food stalls!” He whines but stands straight when he notices Nikolai is sitting at the monitoring table. “Sir, I'm not tired. I love this job.”

“Oh, okay! Damn, you don't say!” Nikolai replies casually. He waves his hand dismissively, allowing the scare actor to get to his locker. The rest of the staff are about to leave but they halt when Nikolai suddenly speaks, “Wait, all of you.”

They turn to him and he smiles. “After you clean up the set, you are all dismissed—”

“Are we fired?”

“Hey, I'm currently talking! And no, you all are not fired. Well, unless you want to if you go against my words.” Nikolai grins snarkily before he continues, “I'm taking over this funhouse for a while... for reasons unspeakable. So, consider this a time for you to leech off somewhere. And don't worry, your pay won't get cut. Things are rough, I know. I am not that bad, okay?”

“Wow, really, sir?”

“I’m bringing up your name if Erika asks!”

“Am I excused too?” The scare actor asks with a muted voice. Nikolai looks at him and once again waves his hand dismissively.

“Yeah, yeah, you too. Go, go. Matter of fact, I'm suggesting you go to the food stalls and consider your next job option.”

“Sir, I really love this job.”

His staff then leave him alone, including the scare actor who is eager to leave and change his costume. Nikolai returns his focus to the monitors, watching the staff clean and resetting the funhouse. His eyes then drift to one monitor that is showing the recording of a camera located at the funhouse entrance.

He sees you.

His heartbeat rapidly accelerates. He stares at you, observing your every movement. You seem nervous and he sees how you look troubled when Julia is talking to you. Nikolai frowns, biting the inside of his cheek.

Is she bothering you, sweetheart? I'll watch her closely. You have nothing to worry about, love.

For ten minutes, you are conferring about something with the employee at the entrance. Occasionally, he also checks how the cleaning staff are doing and they seem to be done with the set. He expects five more minutes before your group enters the funhouse.

It takes less than that when the walkie-talkie buzzes before a voice echoes—“A group is waiting. Is the set clear now?”

Nikolai examines each monitor to make sure the set is empty and free to use. He smiles—this is all according to his luck and he cannot believe how easily he could control the whole scene. He talks to the walkie-talkie, telling the employee to allow your group to finally get inside his trap.

Although he would love to play another chasing game with you, his goal tonight is not you—How terribly sorry, I am for you, dear dove. I'll feed your fright later. Nikolai has another victim that he has been killing in the back of his mind. His eyes glare at Alex, who just cannot put himself at least a hundred feet away from you.

But that is fine. He will teach him a lesson now. A real lesson this time. No more staring competition. He wants to make sure there is blood spilled tonight, even a little drop.

Nikolai gets up from the seat at the same time you, Alex and one of your friends parted away from the others. His fingers brush over your figure on the screen. He reaches for his mask from the locker and places it on his face.

Nikolai will ruin someone's night tonight. And perhaps he will ruin you more and more.

if you like my works, consider buy me a ko-fi!

#love...#I can’t ignore you #in my room #do anything for you 🥰#q.rb

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xenclev · 26 days

Text

⤷‧₊˚ nanami kento wants another bundle of joy.

┊ •° ੈ ⋆° ┊ warning readers discretion is advised — female reader, female anatomy described, reader is black coded (with descriptors), established relationship (married), oral (f.receiving), pet names (baby), cute couple banter, profanity, missionary position, breeding kink, reader and kento have a daughter named yu (yes she's named after yu haibara), this was a one shot for nanami bday btw, wc: 2.6k, mdni

a repost from my old account, that sadly was a victim of tumblr's label crusade. also can be read on ao3.

You should have known the talk about another kid was coming. The way he would talk about Yu’s old baby stuff and the importance of hand-me-downs just in case you two would have another bundle of joy. Or the fact that he and your five-year-old daughter Yu would get lost in the department store, just for you to find them in the baby section. Nanami also was becoming very handsy towards you. Outside looking in, anyone would assume that it just was a loving husband showing his wife love. But Nanami was like a hormonal teenager that had just hit puberty. His kisses were deeper, which leads to a makeout session (cue your daughter clearing her throat when she enters the room). Gosh, you couldn’t forget the twinkle in Nanami’s eye as he and you attended a friend’s baby shower as you two watched them open gifts for their child.

Here you were, stumbling and sharing an intense kiss as you entered the home you shared. Hands grasping for each other as you shared kisses that caused your lips to be swollen and for the once lip gloss you were wearing to now be smudged across your lips. You pulled away, breathless and shocked. “Another kid?” You questioned. You just wanted assurance that this is what the blonde-haired man wanted.

“Another kid.” He repeated to you as one of his hands cupped your face while the other was placed on your belly as if it already was a child growing inside of you.

Even if you two weren’t trying for a kid at the moment, you still knew that the pink sundress you wore to the baby shower—hugged your body perfectly was something to always gain your husband’s attention. During the time at the baby shower, Nanami always made it his goal to touch you. From his hand taking comfort on your thighs as you were sitting and socializing to grabbing your hand as you move around your friend’s backyard where the baby shower was set up at. You adored that Nanami couldn’t get enough of your body. He cherished every part of you from the imperfections that you felt insecure about to the striking beauty that had him staring at you with a goofy grin when you weren’t looking.

You stared up at him searching for any problems in his eyes. Searching for anything that would cause you yourself to back out, but you didn’t find anything. He truly wanted another kid. He wanted your daughter to have a sibling.

His lips begin to kiss your jawline, the kisses went from soft to excited. “Please let me fuck a baby in you [Y/N],” Nanami mumbled against your golden skin.

“Okay.” was the only thing that escaped your mouth before Nanami threw you over his shoulder to take you to your bedroom. A giggle bounced from the back of your throat at each step he took. You never saw the man so serious about something other than work, but here he was on the mission to make sure he get you pregnant.

When your back felt the fluffiness of your shared bed, it was a wonderful sight to see your husband standing above you. His fingers combed through his hair as he tugged off the pastel pink polo shirt he was wearing. Fingertips tracing down his toned chest as you watched intensely. His chest was toned as could be as if he was sculpted by a Greek god himself. His hands finally traveled down to the waistband of the pants he wore before he’s unbuttoning them. You could see the band to his grey Calvin Klein briefs and the tent in his crotch area. Your skin felt hot feeling Nanami grab a hold of your ankle to drag you closer to the edge of the bed. He brought your ankle up to his mouth, peppering the inside of it with soft kisses. The scent of you lingered up his nostrils and he could only bask in the familiar scent he has smelt for years now.

“You said you were going to fuck a baby in me, what are you waiting for? You asked with innocence dripping off your tongue. You glanced up at your lust-filled husband through your eyelash while letting your pearly whites graze at your plump lower lip.

Nanami only let a hum pass by his lips before he’s stepping closer in between your legs after dropping the one he once was kissing upon. His hands danced up the sundress you wore. The heat of the moment only turned you on more causing dampness in the panties you were wearing. The silence from Nanami scared you. Not in a fearful type of way, but you knew that when he didn’t say many words during intercourse, he would be focused on one thing. That thing is to make sure you feel good from head to toe.

His fingers grasped at the thin fabric of your panties before he’s slowly taking them down your thighs. He soon discarded you of the sundress you were wearing. The crisp air and Nanami’s touch caused goosebumps to adorn your skin quickly. The look he gave you caused your heart to quicken. When he saw your bare body, he always looked at you as if he was falling in love all over again. The gaze was a complete panty soaker for you, it caused you to want him, even more, when you guys made love.

“It’s not fair that I’m the only one naked here.” You said as your hand reached out to grab a hold of your husband. You lightly brushed against his abs just so you could get a feel of him similar to what he was doing. But he soon pushes your hand away before kneeling in between your thighs.

His firm grasp upon your thighs before tugging you closer to his face caused a soft gasp to come out of you. He tugged your dress up so that it was around your waist. Your lower half was completely exposed as your heart was thumping against your chest waiting for the next move Nanami was going to make. The growing anticipation caused you to shiver under Nanam’s touch before feeling his soft kitten licks upon your folds.

You relaxed under his touch with each soaked lick upon your puffy lips. Your head fell back into the fluffiness of your bed as Nanami was in between your thighs. The pornographic sound of him in between your plush thighs. Each delicate suck on your clit and any rough moan Nanami let out while eating you out pushed you further on the edge. Your teeth nibbled at your lower lip holding back a moan before you once felt Nanami tug you closer to his handsome face. Your thighs vibrated when you felt the flat of his tongue traced along the entrance of your pussy. “Gosh, Nanami.” You sighed happily at the way he was in between your thighs.

As if you cooing his name was the green light, you let out a sudden gasp when you felt his fingers push themselves inside you. The wet squelching noise of him gliding his fingers inward and outward at a beautiful pace instantly caused you to moan. Your back arched off the bed before you felt Nanami’s free hand push back down before he dove right back in between your thighs. As his slim digits curled inside you, his tongue brushes against your clit in a teasing manner. His brown eyes glanced at your fucked out expression while your fingers grasped at the sheets below your naked body. His nose rubs at your soft skin with each flick of his tongue. Your orgasm was nearing and the way his tongue was moving was only pushing you further from being a cumming mess.

With Nanami’s slender fingers inside you, while his tongue flickered at your tongue, you could feel the wetness below you that stained your sheets. Your orgasm was screaming to come out as you attempted to run away from Nanami’s explicit touch. He only pulled you back and pinned you down to continue what he was doing (uninterrupted this time).Your slick coating his middle and index finger with each curl inside of you. As soon as you met his brown eyes, the fierce feeling in the pit of your stomach burst. Your head fell back in complete bliss as you sob for Nanami.

You were seeing stars with each delicate whimper that you let out. Your fingers intertwined in Nanami’s blonde hair while your hips bucked through the passionate orgasm you were experiencing. Nanami’s mouth still lapped up every droplet of your wetness as if he was a starving man. The pad of his thumb rubbed comforting circles on your thighs—it was a kind gesture to help soothe the electrifying feeling of your orgasm being pushed upon you so soon. He removed his mouth from your pussy with a pop. The addicting taste of you on his tongue while his lips dragged hunger-filled kisses on the inside your thighs before he’s standing up fully.

If you looked closely you could point out that his bulge indicating how hard he was grew. You quickly gained your composure as you backed yourself further on the bed, your legs quivering with each movement. But you still ached for more. You could hear Nanami tugging off the remaining clothes that were blocking you from seeing his naked body that you’ve seen so many times.

When the time came for you and Nanami to finally intertwine with each other, you felt so many emotions hit you at once. The feeling of love with the way he caressed your thighs with soothing circles as he lined himself up to your entrance. You felt hopeful that after this you would have the satisfaction to carry yet another bundle of joy that you were so proud of to be raised with such a wonderful man. Your nails dug into his forearm as your lips gasped apart with each shove of Nanam’s hips. The intense feeling of his cock stretching you out bit by bit only caused you to choke up a whimper.

Nanami stared down at you with worry in his eyes. His brown-colored eyes look into yours before he’s crashing his lips upon your gasping ones, “I got you, baby, just relax.” He mumbles against your lips. “I always got you.”

His easeful tone and even more comforting words caused your body to relax. Soon your body relaxed and felt like you were on cloud night. The astonishing feeling of Nanami’s hips bucking forward caused your eyes to lolly in the back of your head. Breaking apart from the kiss to moan out his name like a sweet tune playing on a Sunday morning. Once Nanami heard his name fall off your tongue, it was as if a light switch was turned on. His hips pushed forward quicker. His hands quickly spread your thighs apart even further just so the tip of his cock could hit that spot that caused your pedicured toes to curl.

“Fuck—you feel so good,” Nanami uttered through breathy groans. Slow and sensual strokes were always the start of Nanami making you feel good before he turned into a madman that drove you insane.

He took the enjoyment of having you whine out for more like a desperate cat in heat and soon giving you just that until you’re begging for him to let you cum under his strong body. His lips dragged kisses upon your neck as you felt his thrusts become quicker. The sound of the bed's wooden headboard was attempting to overpower the pornographic sound of skin slapping against each other. Your eyes fluttered open to glance up to see Nanami hovering over you. The beautiful sight of seeing the way his teeth chafed upon his lower lip holding back a moan and his cheeks stained red due to the pleasurable sensation of the way your cunt wrapped around him. He was so handsome in a state like this.

Nanami’s hand reached above to grasp at the headboard, not particularly stopping it from knocking against the wall—but to help himself move at a rhythmic pace. He felt your legs snake around his waist completely trapping in the trace of being balls deep inside of you. It was as if you sense that he was about to cum. His body felt hot instantly as beads of sweat decorated his forehead. The salty droplets caused some of his blond hair to stamp upon his forehead. His hand grasped the headboard as he only stuttered out sweet nothings and praise about you.

Something along the lines of, you look so beautiful y/n or you’ll look so gorgeous pregnant with his child. You couldn’t tell due to your constant moaning. The sensational feeling of your orgasm slowly tugging you further and further towards the light. Your legs locked around Nanami’s waist so tightly that you were sure he could feel the heel of your foot tap at his bottom with each thrust. As your orgasm came upon you, the one hand that was holding upon the headboard intertwined with yours completely entrapping you upon his thrusts through your orgasm.

“Kento!” You snarled out his name. Fingernails digging into his skin wanting to feel his body some more even though you two were around practically insufferable with each other.

“Shit—I’m so close sweetheart. Just hold on a lil longer.” Nanami breathed out as he was nearly going insane with the way your pussy quivered around him.

It didn’t long before Nanami was releasing himself with a quickness. Whiny moans and stuttered words were the only things you could hear from your husband. Your fingers intertwined with each other’s as you could feel Nanami’s cum inside you, a feeling you’ve felt many times before even when you weren’t trying for a baby. Your mouth gaped open before Nanami enclosed the breathy moans that you let out with a passionate kiss. The taste of him imprinted your tongue as you brought him closer basking in the moment of feeling him inside of you. The warm feeling of his cum being inside you caused you to moan in the kiss as you felt yourself flutter around his cock. Both of you cumming at the same time, making it a perfect opportunity to relish the perfect moment you two shared.

When the both of you were tugging out the temporary feeling of your sweet ecstasy, Nanami plopped down next to you. Your legs felt numb, you felt stuffed and you could feel the love bites Nanami placed upon your shoulder. Your eyes barely were open as you lay on your back. Completely dazed and possibly still dickmatized from the feeling of Nanami being inside of you. Nanami’s cum inside of you as you hoped you two did got the job done to give Yu another sibling. You could feel Nanami's head in the crook of your neck, his lips kissing at the small trail of bite marks he left on your body which caused you to close your eyes in complete bliss.

“Hopefully, the first time was it.” You would mumble and could hear Nanami chuckle.

“If you remember, with Yu it took the fourth time and it was at my job Christmas party,” Nanami answered, gaining a groan from you.

“Seriously?” You questioned.

“Seriously. I remember because I had to cover your mouth with my hand to muffle your moans.” Nanami pointed out as his fingers were tracing little shapes on your naked skin.

You didn’t recall Nanami fucking you four times to conceive Yu. Perhaps it was due to him fucking you senseless a few minutes ago that caused your brain to go fuzzy.

“Three more times to go,” Nanami smirked as he once again kissed your skin.

#again... this is for my JJK stinka butts <33 #HIGHLY REC #q.rb #leaux needs help

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