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caesarandthecity · 3 months

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Ah, dear readers, I sense some of you might be scratching your heads, wondering how on earth one can navigate the realms of sex, drugs, and parties while still striving for angelic status. Well, buckle up, because I'm here to spill the beans on my journey – a journey of self-discovery, healing, and yes, a few wild nights along the way.

You see, it's all about balance. Born human, I know firsthand the struggles of walking the fine line between indulgence and enlightenment. But fear not, for I firmly believe that moderation is key. As the saying goes, almost everything in a low dose is bad – and trust me, I've had my fair share of trial and error.

But enough about me – let's talk about this blog. This little corner of the internet is my sanctuary, my digital diary where I document my quest for growth and enlightenment. And hey, if along the way I can offer a helping hand to others on their own journey, well, that's just the cherry on top.

So, dear humans, let's talk repentance. It's not about wallowing in guilt or shame; it's about growth, about evolving into the best version of ourselves. Embracing our shadows, our faults – call them what you will – is all part of the process. It's about accepting and loving those parts of ourselves, while still striving for more, for better.

Remember Darwin's wise words – it's not the strongest or the fastest who survive, but the most adaptable. So let go of attachments, dear readers. Attachment breeds suffering, and who wants to live a life shackled by misery? Not I, and certainly not you.

I invite you to join me on this journey of self-discovery, to shed the shackles of attachment and embrace the beauty of change. Get comfy, dear readers, for this is just the beginning. Together, we'll navigate the twists and turns of life, sharing stories, offering support, and maybe even indulging in a little laughter along the way.

Because hey, we're all human – even us angels in training. So let's raise a glass to growth, to enlightenment, and to the beautifully messy journey of life. Cheers, my friends. Here's to us.

#JourneyOfHealing #GrowthAndEnlightenment #EmbracingChange #SelfDiscovery #ModerationIsKey #AngelsInTraining #RepentanceAndGrowth #LettingGo #Adaptability #DigitalDiary #BalanceAndHarmony #PersonalGrowthJourney #HumanStruggles #SheddingAttachments #EmbracingTheProcess

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caesarandthecity · 3 months

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The Pastor Chronicles: A Spicy Tale of Lust and Betrayal

Hold onto your hats, folks, because I'm about to take you on a wild ride through the scandalous world of El Pastor. And let me tell you, after this, you might never look at a burrito the same way again. Sorry, Chipotle.

So there I was, minding my own business, when the Pastor vanished into thin air, leaving behind a whirlwind of chaos and unanswered questions. But before we dive into the juicy details, let me set the stage.

Picture this: the dimly lit corridors of a jail cell, where soap bars double as currency and friendships are forged in the fires of adversity. Life behind bars wasn't exactly a walk in the park, but El Pastor? He was a godsend, a shining beacon of light in a sea of darkness. While others clung to their meager possessions, El Pastor shared his bounty with a generosity that bordered on saintly. A true hustler, even behind bars.

Fast forward to the outside world, and things took a turn for the... well, let's just say, unexpected. Yes, there was a spark between us, a fiery attraction that sizzled with intensity from the start. We danced on the edge of desire, teetering on the brink of something dangerous and delicious.

But as they say, the truth always comes out in the end. And boy, did it ever. El Pastor was a walking contradiction, equal parts charming and infuriating. From his mysteriously acquired possessions to his perpetual financial woes, he was a puzzle I couldn't quite solve.

And then came the sex – oh, the sex. Picture this: a haze of cocaine-fueled euphoria, with El Pastor at the wheel and me along for the ride. In the middle of the highway, he whips out his... well, you get the picture. And let me tell you, I didn't hesitate for a second. I went to town like it was my last meal on earth, the thrill of danger only adding to the excitement.

But that was just the beginning. El Pastor was bossy, demanding, and oh-so-deliciously dominant. He had me begging for more, right there on the highway, with cars zooming past and danger lurking around every bend.

And just when I thought things couldn't get any hotter, he almost had me riding him like a bucking bronco in the garage. But alas, fate had other plans, and our rendezvous was cut short by the imminent arrival of his unsuspecting tenant.

And then, just like that, he was gone, leaving behind a hefty bill and memories that would haunt me for weeks to come. But you know what they say – all's fair in love and war. And let me tell you, folks, this was definitely a battle worth fighting.

So here's to El Pastor, the man, the myth, the legend – may his adventures be wild, his heart be free, and his burritos forever untainted by the woes of Chipotle. And to you, my dear readers, I bid adieu until next time, when we'll once again dive headfirst into the tantalizing world of desire, danger, and deliciously scandalous escapades. Cheers to the chaos, my friends. Until we meet again.

#ElPastorChronicles #BostonBoys #ScandalousStories #LustAndBetrayal #WhirlwindRomance #ForbiddenDesires #CocaineAdventures #HighwayHijinks #SpicyEncounters #JuicyDetails #GayBoston #SizzlingSex #WildRide #TalesFromJail #ChipotleConfessions

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caesarandthecity · 3 months

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Finding Your Motivation: A Journey of Self-Discovery and Growth Have you ever wondered what truly motivates you? What gets you bouncing out of bed in the morning, ready to seize the day? What ignites that spark within you, sending butterflies fluttering in your stomach with just the mere thought of it? These questions delve deep into the essence of who we are, and if I'm being honest, I don't have all the answers. But hey, who does, right?

The beauty of these questions lies in their ever-evolving nature. As we journey through life, our motivations shift and evolve, much like the changing seasons. And that's okay! It's a testament to our growth and evolution as individuals. After all, should we be tethered to the same source of motivation our entire lives? I think not. It's the pursuit of these answers that adds richness and depth to our existence, offering us a kaleidoscope of perspectives on life.

One of my favorite pastimes is flipping through old photographs of myself. It's like taking a trip down memory lane, revisiting the person I used to be and marveling at how far I've come. The transformation is palpable – a testament to the power of growth. Sure, it's not always easy. In fact, it can be downright painful and challenging at times. But oh, the rewards that await on the other side! There's nothing quite like the feeling of shedding old skin, embracing change, and emerging as a beacon of inspiration for others.

So, fellow humans, I implore you: embark on your quest for answers. Search high and low, delve into the depths of your soul, and unearth the hidden gems that define who you are. Give meaning to your life, for in doing so, you'll discover a sense of purpose that transcends the mundane. Remember the ancient wisdom inscribed at Delphi: "Know thyself." For in knowing oneself, one finds the key to unlocking the boundless potential that lies within.

Let's make this journey of self-discovery a fun-filled adventure, shall we? Let's laugh, let's cry, let's stumble and fall – but above all, let's grow. Together, we'll turn the mundane into the extraordinary, one revelation at a time. So, what motivates you? The answer awaits, dear friend. It's time to embark on the journey of a lifetime.

#MotivationMonday #JourneyOfSelfDiscovery #FindYourSpark #EmbraceChange #GrowthMindset #InspireOthers #LifeReflections #DiscoverYourPurpose #TransformativeJourney #KnowThyself #LiveWithPurpose #FindYourWhy #ChaseYourDreams #EmbraceTheJourney #BeTheChange

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caesarandthecity · 3 months

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My mom tried to set fire on me.

I was 7 yo, and I was sitting watching TV, she brought a bottle of lighter fluid and started squeezing the liquid. HOW ODD?! I didn’t understand if it was a prank or I don’t know, I never thought that she would try to set fire on me.

She dropped on the floor the bottle of lighter fluid, I was ready to be killed, I was wet enough with the fluid according to her. She started searching her pockets.

And then I realized, my mom was trying to kill me, I stood up and started screaming and running while she had the box of the match, and she was lighting up one by one and throwing on me, while I was trying to hide myself.

Did any of you, already play hide and seek with your mom? But it is your life that is in the game because if your mom finds you, she will kill you. Well, I did.

I hid in the bathroom, and I screamed so much and I begged so much to her to stop.

All that, my mom did with me

SOBER

DO YOU WANNA READ SOMETHING UNBELIEVABLE?

I’m learning to realize that this behavior that my mom (she is not my mom I found out later tho.), and all those horrible memories aren’t normal for a mom.

I’m realizing at my pace that what she did with me isn’t normal. Isn’t acceptable.

Crazy, huh?

This is healing.

Ps. Don’t forget to fall in love with yourself first.

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caesarandthecity · 3 months

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Humans will be like… “Aliens come down to Earth! Let’s have contact!.”

Dear Humans, please look to your past, look to your history, you killed all your Gods! You erased one by one until none was left. Reduced to dust. You Mocked Us. You put us in jails. Funny huh? The sons always dethroning the Fathers. Hey Zeus, Sup old Kronos? Sounds familiar?

Humans please, we aliens don’t blame none of you, ignorance did, but we are more afraid of you than everything.

We are here more to provide guidance.

Oh, Human, you will be glad to meet my exoskeleton and very surprised when you see my real form.

We are nearer than any of you already thought.

Ps. Don’t forget to fall in love with yourself first.

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caesarandthecity · 3 months

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I feel so proud of myself!

Even though I have been going through all that, I have been struggling mentally, without my medication since jail, even I am having huge issues with adaptation, even I spend a whole day taking trips to the bathroom to cry because I hate this job I pretend F$cking well. I’m such an amazing actor. Damn, God! Thank you.

Ps. The owner of the house who is also my roommate and has the 3 kids told me again “Caesar, please if you need it to correct my daughters, do it. You can spank them.”

Humans why?

Ps. Don’t forget to fall in love with yourself first.

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caesarandthecity · 3 months

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I cried in the Park

Yesterday I was so overwhelmed and tired, it had 6 kids in the house, screaming and running around and I was feeling horrible, so dislocated.

I felt this way since I left jail, it is a sense of not belonging, not attachment to anything, and worst I feel that I failed and I’m in the wrong place and wrong time. I have the sensation that I always missing something, that I’m always behind. Those feelings caught me out of nowhere, like last week I had to stop work multiple times to go to the bathroom to cry, those feelings come and go without a warning! I feel that I just arrived on Earth, and I need to catch up with everything without knowing WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?

I’m living alone again, in a state where I don’t know anyone around me besides the people from jail. No close friends, people that knew me before everything. Start over, AGAIN?

I went for a walk it was 32 degrees outside, but I needed a walk, I needed to get out of that messy house, loud, filled with people that I didn’t know. I went to the park, I put my sunglasses on and I cried all the way. Took me 2 hours and it was so amazing. I’m a lonely person (yesterday I felt alone) I must be like that to protect myself, but of course, I do like to interact with people but here and now I don’t see anyone around me as a potential friend, the kind of that energy matches and you feel comfortable with it. I miss that, I have been missing this so much.

I can’t drive, so I miss my old times back in Cali when I had a car, I drove all over the Bay Area, doing delivers, listening to music and some Tarot Cards (I like to watch on Youtube) smoking my Marlboro NXT and enjoying the sunset every day in a different place. That was freedom! I miss that so much, I used to think that back, California was a tough time for me. Now I’m thinking more about it, looks like it was paradise.

Highly recommend crying in the park with sunglasses on. 10/10.

Ps. Don’t forget to fall in love with yourself first.

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caesarandthecity · 3 months

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Please, dear humans.

Question your existence.

Know thyself.

Don’t follow the mass

They are lost.

And then probably you will see The Matrix for itself.

Ps. Don’t forget to fall in love with yourself first.

#blog #quote #angel #gay #dear diary #digital diary #gay men #archangel #gay man #god #the matrix #matrix #journaling #journal #a journey to love #spiritual journey

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caesarandthecity · 3 months

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Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

#blog #quote #angel #gay #dear diary #digital diary #gay men #archangel #gay man #god #sin #journaling #journal #a journey to love #spiritual journey

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caesarandthecity · 3 months

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Gallo

I met Gallo in jail as well, he is younger than me and, a very charismatic guy, the nickname Gallo means roster, and he used to imitate a roster once in a while in jail. Back in jail, every time I made some kind of joke, he always got super upset and he turned out to be homophobic. Not new for Brazilians. He is super good at poker, always winning with good hands. We ended up being released at almost the same time and we came to the same house. Gallo is the typical straight dude, with nothing special about it, he is the kind that doesn’t even tolerate jokes about it that he turns out homophobic until he uses coke… The Pastor and I decided to use coke and have a few drinks, we were at the Pastor’s ex-wife's, she was traveling, and he spent a couple of the nights there (which was not supposed to happen, and he got caught later). Well, we were there super high, and Gallo called me and asked what I was doing. He showed up and we did some lines. It was enough, he started talking about sex and further, he started joking that I wanted to suck him. Gallo started repeating over and over, that I want to suck him and that maybe that night he ended up letting me suck it. So, he decided to go back home and wanted to me to go with him. I disagreed. Wow. He kept saying and repeating over and over that I should go with him home, but I decided to not, he went home alone. Gallo was so high that I asked him to text me when he got home so he did, but he did with a different intention. He started to send me pics from his dick. Kind of big, and uncut (a not-so-usual way for Brazilians). One pic after another, zoom in the head and in the pre cum (quite a lot to be honest, or maybe not it has been a while since I saw it for the last time.) Gallo was texting saying that I was supposed to be at home with him, giving a nice and slow head. Then he started to send me the videos, of him jerking off, and later one he sent me of him cum. Well, I never ever expected this kind of behavior with Gallo, very homophobic until he got high…Men are funny. Jail brought me so many new experiences.

Ps. Don’t forget to fall in love with yourself first.

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caesarandthecity · 3 months

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Last Friday it was my birthday, and I and the “Pastor” (I met him in jail, and we met when I got out and now, he is my roommate. He used to be the leader of the church back in jail, that is why the nickname.) So, we decided to celebrate and get a few drinks and do some coke to celebrate. (Am I the only one that gets super horny while doing coke? Never mind) So we did a line right away in the car. Man, I just remembered that a couple of months ago I was in jail with this guy who was the Pastor of the church, and now he is out drinking and doing some coke with me. How is life, right? Well, I’m an Angel and I’m doing the same, so…No judgment.

My phone rang, it was Gallo (Gallo is another inmate that I met in jail and now he is my roommate, fun fact: last time that we got high together he ended up asking me to suck him since I didn’t go home with him, he started sending pictures and videos of his d*ick) So He asked where I was it. I explained that it was my birthday, and I was celebrating, he asked me to come home to party here, so Pastor and I came back home.

Vodka, juice, ice, beer, music and coke. We did all and it was around 2:00am we decided to get more. All the party was happening in Gallo’s room. So, Pastor left to go to the bathroom, a minute after I left Gallo’s room to go to my room and I saw that the Pastor left the door open while using the bathroom. He was standing near the sink washing his dick and just showed me, his big dick and asked me: “Yo, do you wanna suck it?” I couldn’t believe in that. Pastor is kind of sexy, he has a gangster style, some tattoos, and bad-boy vibes. Back in jail, I used to jerk off thinking about him, and now he is standing in front of me with an amazing dick, hell yeah, I sucked him, but not for long. It was so quick because we were leaving to get more coke. Well Pastor, if I knew it before I would be the first one in the church! Forgive me, father…

Didn’t happen nothing more for now, but that is all.

Ps. Don’t forget to fall in love with yourself first.

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caesarandthecity · 3 months

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I left jail with no place to go, and nothing in my pocket besides the $100.00 that I saved from work in jail. Oh yes. The jail paid me $1.00 per day of work. So, I managed to save some from my one-year and two-month stay. I had a hoodie and sweatpants that were given to me as a birthday gift and my last Bunky (the Venezuelan guy that I give a head) gave me an Air Jordans. Awesome! All set to live in that place. I made a friend in jail and his family rented me a room for a price that was so cheap and incredible. I didn’t have any other option so, yeah! I got it. Well, now I know why the price is so cheap. They have 3 kids that can’t stop screaming and play around, the youngest one removes her diaper and shit on the floor. The middle one is overweight, eats sugar the whole day and she is behind in her class. The old one was brutally traumatized, while infant her mom abandoned her and went to live with her new husband. They have a dog, that pee and shits everywhere and sometimes bites the kids (I don’t blame the dog, I would do the same if I could). The house has a rat infestation, on my second day here I had to buy some mouse traps and I ended up killing 3 rats (Forgive me, father, I have sin.) and more 3 after. Two times I woke up in the middle of the night with the noise of the rats. We had an infestation of cockroaches, we had to throw away our microwave because they had made a nest there. One of the rooms has a bedbug. We are 4 ex-prisoners who meet each other in jail for the first time, living in the same house, plus a woman, a dog, and 3 kids. Life after prison is not easy.

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caesarandthecity · 4 months

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Useless… That is what my mom used to call me. She used to say this word to me, every time I did something that according to her was wrong, normally she beat me, but if she was busy doing another thing, she would scream “USELESS!” so many times to me. “YOU ARE USELESS!” Growing up with my mom saying that to me, destroyed me. For years until now I have struggled, and I fight so hard to prove to “I don’t know who” that I’m not useless! Maybe deep inside my mind, I have the image of my mom screaming on repeat “YOU ARE USELESS!” Is it interesting that the person who abuses me, manipulates me, spanks me, lets me eat feces, and tries to kill me, the person that I hate, has so much space in my mind and life? She was the biggest trauma that I had, and in the end, she wasn’t even my mother.

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caesarandthecity · 4 months

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I hated gym class at the school. I hated it from the bottle of my heart. I hated it because I wanted to do it, I wanted to play soccer, basketball, and volleyball, but it was forbidden. It is forbidden for a gay boy to do gym class at the school, not because the school said so but because the other kids, the other boys, the other teenagers never allowed me. The only time that I tried, they made me feel so embarrassed and sad, the bullying was brutal. I was dehumanized by the kids. I do remember the physical attack, the boys kicking me out of the changing room. I wasn’t allowed to be there, to use them. I was gay, I’m gay, that’s mean in the Brazilian culture that I’m less than a human and I was born to suffer. They kicked me out of the changing room, pushing and kicking me and also screaming out loud “FAGOT! GET OUT OF HERE.” Homophobia hurts. Hurts deep in my soul, I’m here writing this and I can still hear their voices in my mind, trying to destroy me. No teacher or school staff helped me. Ever. Why they should? I’m gay. I deserve. In Brazilian society, it is like that. I wanted to do the class, so I managed to change my uniform in the bathroom far from the gymnasium. I did! I was ready for the class! I was so excited and happy. The teacher started the class and picked 2 captains for the teams, their duty was to choose the players for their team, well. I wasn’t chosen, I wasn’t picked for any of them. I was the leftover, if someone got tired or eventually didn’t want to play I would be called, besides that, I should watch the game. I can tell you guys, it is the worst feeling to be the leftover, be there looking for someone to choose you and no one wants that because I’m gay. Can you imagine? There were all children but they were so homophobic, they were so mean. I always wanted to do some classes, some exercises, play some soccer, have some friends, and be happy but isn’t allow it.

#blog #gay #diary #journal #journaling #lgbtq #gay man #gay pride #gay men #abuse #bulling #angel #homophobia #hate #dear diary #digital diary

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caesarandthecity · 4 months

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Tub

Moment of Solitude... Sometimes I'm still afraid that she will return. She is my mom, but instead of loving and protecting me, she will show up and start abusing me. Normally, I'm in the middle of the shower or the bath and I have this kind of fear. During the years I always remembered my childhood with so much love, caring, and peace. The young version of me only knew that kind of childhood, I was living within a family that wasn't my family, two adopted sisters who didn't care about me, and the parents, the man or my adopted father who never called me son, ever! My adopted Mom, she hates me. Hates me because I'm gay, hates me because I'm not her son, hates me because I'm adopted. So she abuses me.

Some Facts - All abusers were abused in some part of life. Their inner child was abused, neglected, beaten, and suffered. Most of the abusers never had the opportunity to experience Love which means, they never had the chance to heal.

That family abused me. All of them are guilty.

But my adoptive mom always wanted me to suffer, she always made sure that I wasn't happy. My mom always makes sure to spank me so hard that I faint. So I would know how close to death I experienced with her. She humiliated me. I do remember more than once she ordered me to walk naked in front of the neighborhood kids, a punishment for not doing one of my chores or for not following one of her rules (this time it was because I entered the home with my shorts wet.)

I feel my heartbeat, I get agitated, I want to finish my bath and I want to eat a whole pizza, drink Coke, and smoke weed. I close my eyes, tears rolling down my face, I'm a 36-year-old man, in a bathtub afraid that my mom will show up and start to abuse me. Just like that, I'm having a panic attack, and my panic attack has a name.

I finished my bath, and the water was cold, and didn't feel comfy like I thought would after finished. I feel overwhelmed I feel lost.

Before bed, I just repeat to myself "Please, don't forget to fall in love with yourself first."

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caesarandthecity · 4 months

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I'm so horny.

I left jail for more than one month and I haven't had sex yet, I dare to say that looks like I have more sex in jail than here, outside. Yes, jail sucks, jail is horrible but is a place for growing and learning, but the good side was the sex, and being gay a lot of adventures happen. Guards AKA C.O. know that happen. Touching, grabbing, holding, stroke, and sometimes oral, rarely penetration. A bunch of Mexicans, Guatemalans, Colombians, and African dudes, most of them were curious about a gay thing. Gay for Stay, some would say. They used to look at me with different eyes. Damn! I saw so many dicks in jail bro! For real.

One Month out and I'm so thirsty. I really need to have sex.

#blog #angel #digital diary #my diary #dear diary #diary entry #gay man #gay art #gay pride #gay men #gayboy #gayhot #gay #prison #inmate #jail

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caesarandthecity · 4 months

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I was adopted.

That is the most mind-blowing event in my life. I mean, it was horrible when I found out/ remembered that I was adopted. A lot of questions were answered, and a lot more were created.

Lies. I grew up surrounded by liars, living with strangers, and being sexually and physically abused because I was gay, I mean I'm still gay.

I always wondered why my mom didn't love me in the same way as my friend's mom? Instead of kissing in my mouth, touching my penis, drinking my pee, yelling that I'm a fagot, beating me. Why Mom?

"Mom! Please love me. Please be my mom, please Isabel. I want to be your son." - I always wanted that, I always wanted a mom who asked me how was the school I always wanted a father to teach me how to shave, how to drive, how to take care of a house. I always wanted a father who would teach me about finances, my first car, and my first house. I wanted a Mom that supported me, that would understand me, not judge me or be jealous of my achievements.

I grew up trying to please a house of strangers, I had to pretend that everything was fine at school even if the boys were picking on me calling me fagot, little shit, and some girls were beating me because I was gay. I had to listen to a teacher saying that two guys together was unnatural. I hate school, but I love studying. I suffered so much. Back home I was beaten, humiliated, and violated. It was an endless circle of suffering.

I hate that family sometimes because I tried too much to please them, to fit in their life, to love them, but because I couldn't, because I was so different from them I judged myself. I punished myself. But knowing that I was adopted saved me!

I'm saved. I'm so glad that I don't fit in your family. I'm so happy that I'm different because let's be honest that family is SICK AS FUCK. I'm glad that I'm not like them.

I'm so glad that I'm adopted.

But Who is Cesar? Who am I?

Please - Don't forget to fall in love with yourself first.

X Love. C

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